All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S46E02.Bill.Burr.720p.WEB.h264-BAE

And now the thing that will
change everyone's minds.

The vice presidential debate
[ Cheers and applause

I'm Susan page and I missed
book club for this

tonight we'll be discussing a
who cares number of topics, each

lasting I couldn't tell you
minutes.

But one thing is for sure, if
anything's going to be trending

on Twitter tonight, it will be
one of the humans involved in

this debate.
Let's welcome them now

vice president Mike pence.
[ Laughter ]

And senator kamala Harris.
[ Cheers and applause

♪
oh, that's right!

The senator from California is
present.

Thank you, senator.
Tonight you'll notice between

the candidates we've installed
buffet-style sneeze guards, on

account of one of you works for
patient zero

it's actually fine by me,
Suzanne.

12 feet apart and separated by
plexiglass is how mother and I

sleep.
Mr. Vice president, my first

question is for you.
Thank you

the topic is coronavirus.
Dammit.

Now, you were in charge of
the coronavirus task force, and

since you took charge, over
200,000 Americans have died.

How do you explain that?
Well, Susan, I'd like to

begin by stalling, hard.
We're in Utah, wow

what a magnificent state
even though their basketball

team is named after my greatest
fear, jazz

I yield the remainder of my
time.

All right
senator Harris

this is what they do,
Suzanne.

They avoid taking any
responsibility -

we do not.
Mr. Vice president, I'm

speaking
[ Cheers and applause

speaking.
Well, I'm just trying -

still speaking.
But I -

see, I'm speaking
I'm speaking right now, Arizona,

California, some mart parts of,
I'm speaking.

I understand that.
I don't think you do.

I do.
Because you're talking and

I'm speaking
this administration has

consistently lied to us about
the virus.

They said they wanted to keep us
calm

let me ask the American people
this

how calm were you when you
didn't know where you were going

to get your next roll of toilet
paper?

Hm
how calm were you when you were

staring at that cardboard tube
when you finished the roll, and

you thought, well, it's
technically paper?

And how calm were you when even
that tube was gone and you

looked at your old t-shirts and
a pair of scissors and thought,

are we doing this?
[ Laughter ]

Now, I'd like to hear the vice
president's response, and while

he speaks, I'm going to smile at
him like I'm in a tj Maxx and a

white lady asks me if I work
here

look.
I promise you the president has

taken this virus seriously since
the very beginning of last week.

Okay, so now, Susan what I'm
going to do is I'm going to

more of a Clair huxtable side
eye.

President Trump puts the
health of all Americans way

ahead of his own personal and
financial gain

hm.
Okay, so now what I'm going to

do is I'm going to fix my face
so you have no idea what I'm

thinking
but every black woman at home

knows exactly what I'm thinking.
And a few of the white women

and all of the gays.
But enough about COVID.

Let's focus on the two issues
Americans do care about.

Swine flu and fracking
if anyone should be talking

about fracking, it's my guy, Joe
biden.

Joe biden fracs in his free
time

Joe biden will frack you so
good, Pennsylvania

and while I personally wanted to
ban fracking, now that I know

Pennsylvania loves it, I just
want to say this

yous goise can bet on your wawa
cheesesteak hoagie and all the

water in the schuylkill river on
biden fracking, and go eagles.

Mr. Vice president, I have to
ask this

what is the current health of
President Trump?

Thank you for asking, Susan
oh, I wasn't asking out of

sympathy, Mike, I was asking
I've a simmering rage for his

incompetence and a sadistic hope
that he is not well.

Unfortunately for you, then,
the president is doing amazing

thanks to his team of terrified
doctors.

As you heard from his primary
physician, Dr. Handsome liar,

Trump is in peak physical
condition.

Uh-huh.
And to be clear, what

is
medications has the president

taken?
Almost none, Susan.

He's taken aspirin, which he's
always taken

an injection of experimental
monoclonal antibodies.

A macho man Randy savage amount
of steroids.

A woman's probiotic for balance.
60 ccs of helium into his skull

so his head doesn't fall over on
TV

so like a balloon head?
That's correct.

Like a balloon head, yes
he's also taking Viagra for

morale, and some horny goat weed
he bought at a gas station,

because the president believes
in medicine.

Unlike senator Harris, who said
she wouldn't even take a

vaccine.
If Dr. Fauci says a vaccine

is good, I will be the first in
line like it's an Ann Taylor

sample sale.
But if Trump says it's safe, I

will throw that vaccine in the
trash like lastweek's shrimp

pad thai
besides, mama's got all the

vaccine she needs right here
senator Harris, if elected,

would you pack the supreme
court?

Susan, instead of answering
that exact question, I'd like to

tell you the story of when Joe
picked me to be his running

mate
Joe told me we were just going

out for dinner
then he got down on one knee

that's when I knew
that he needed help up

after that, he gathered himself
and said, "ka-mah-la, let's do

this.
And I said, "it's kamala.

And he said, "I will never, ever
get that right.

That's very sweet
and vice president pence, how

did President Trump ask you?
He texted me.

Oh my god, I can't believe those
religious psychos made me pick

pence.
Then he texted, oops, wrong

person
he hasn't texted me since.

Oh, except in march he wrote,
coronavirus, yours now

and I'm sorry, what did you
do to stop that virus?

Because Joe biden and I have a
plan -

oh, like swine flu?
What?

Swine flu
2 million dead

2 million
if you include the swine.

Those poor little piggies.
Okay, this fool's up here

talking about dead pigs.
Lord love a duck.

Kamala can't get a word in
edgewise

this joker drops more road
apples than a bull eating a bran

muffin
calm down, Joe, it's okay

no, it's not, Jill.
I need to do something

I need to teleport to that
debate and save the soul of this

nation
whoa, got up too fast.

Sir, the teleportation
machine's not ready yet.

It needs at least six more
months

you heard him, Joe, it's too
dangerous.

And what about COVID protocols
don't worry, I'll wear a

mask
on my eyes

and that is how president
Trump will make the economy

better by making it worse.
I'm sorry to interrupt, vice

president pence.
There's a --

war on police in this
country?

I couldn't agree more.
No, no, there's a -- um --

there's a giant --
lack of respect for militias?

You're darn right.
No.

Senator Harris, help me out.
Oh, no, I'm good.

[ Laughter ]
Looking real good, Mike, keep it

up
let me at him

let me at him!
Mr. Vice president, do you

not feel that at all
I'll tell you what I feel,

Susan.
I feel for the businesses that

are going to be crippled by Joe
biden's tax cuts

yes, yes.
Your economy is so in the

toilet
I want to lay my eggs on it.

What, what
oh, no, there must have been

a fly in the teleportation
machine.

That's why Joe turned into a
fly.

Yeah, but that doesn't
explain why he sounds like Jeff

goldblum
god created dinosaurs

dinosaurs become Republicans
Republicans create Trump

Trump destroys god
hm

oh, no.
Now he's gone full goldblum.

Even has the glasses.
Apartments.Com.

The most popular place to find a
place.

No, no
yes, yes

because life finds a way
Mr. Vice president?

Yes
Mr. Vice president, there's

another one.
Another antifa rally?

No surprise there.
Oh, honey, at this point I'm

just enjoying the show
man, what kind of nonsense is

Mike pence trying to pull?
Do tell, do tell.

Wait -- I'm sorry -- friend, you
look familiar.

Well, I better.
I'm Herman Cain.

Reincarnated as a damn fly
and these fools, Trump and

pence, killed me, man.
They invited me to a rally with

no mask and said, everything's
fine, Herman

I tell corona, it don't tell me,
everything is fine, Herman

the White House doctors check me
out, everything's fine, Herman

three days later, I get it
if you're watching this at home,

don't trust this white devil
about that rona.

Vice president pence, I -- I
think one of your flies is

screaming at you
gonna give you the rona

okay, I think we need to shut
this debate down for the good of

humanity
senator Harris, would you like

to do what everyone at home
wants to do?

Oh, I would
flies, anything else you

would like to add?
Am I dying again?

Be afraid
be very afraid

and live from New York, it's
Saturday night

♪
announcer: It's "Saturday

night live.
With -

Beck Bennett
aidy Bryant,

Michael che,
Pete Davidson,

Mikey day,
Heidi gardner,

Colin jost
Kate McKinnon,

Alex moffat,
Kyle mooney,

ego nwodim
Chris redd

cecily strong,
kenan Thompson

Melissa villasenor
featuring --

Andrew dismukes,
Chloe fineman,

Lauren holt,
Mikey Johnson,

Bowen Yang
musical guest Jack white

and your host, bill burr

ladies and gentlemen, bill burr!
[ Cheers and applause

♪
thank you

thank you so much.
Thank you.

I am so -- I am so excited to be
here

I have been doing standup
forever.

And this has always been a
lifelong dream of mine to come

and host "Saturday night live.
So thank you so much for coming

out.
[ Cheers and applause

coming out during these
difficult times.

You got to look like surgeons
with your masks on

makes me feel comfortable that
you're wearing masks

I like people who wear masks
that's good.

You're listening to the
eggheads

the people we all cheated off of
in high school, right?

Keep listening to them
and then if you don't wear a

mask, that doesn't bug me
either, right?

Take out your grand parents.
You know

take out your weak cousin with
the asthma, I don't care

it's your decision
there's too many people.

It's a dream come true
if you're that dumb and you want

to kill your own family members,
by all means, do it.

Stops you from reproducing
it's literally a dream come

true
and speaking of dreams come

true -- did you see Rick moranis
got sucker punched on the upper

West Side?
New York is back, baby

[ cheers and applause
New York is back, yes!

We lost our x-factor for a
minute

city started looking like a
giant bed, bath & beyond

then bam
Ricky took one in the chops.

It had to happen
that's what happens when you

stick an m&ms store in times
square, all right?

The universe has to balance
itself

get the peep shows back in times
square, old people can walk

safely 40 blocks away.
I don't know

I'll probably get canceled for
doing that, you know, how stupid

that is canceled thing
they're literally running out of

people to cancel
they're going after dead people

now.
They're trying to cancel John

Wayne.
It's like, god did that 40 years

ago.
They're all up in arms

they're like did you hear what
he said in that interview in

"playboy" in 1970?
Can you believe that

it's like, yeah.
He was born in 1907.

That's what these people sounded
like

you never talked to your
grandparents and brought up the

wrong subject?
All of a sudden they went off

the rails?
Like oh, god

keep making the cookies.
Yeah, don't bring up race or

religion with your grandparents.
You keep it simple

anyway, I don't know
I know, I get -- my grandparents

are older, I don't know.
Plowing ahead.

Plowing ahead, let's talk --
let's talk white women here,

shall we
let's talk white women

amazing.
Amazing your accomplishments

over the last few years.
The way white women somehow

hijacked the woke movement
generals around the world should

be analyzing this.
To refresh your memory, the woke

movement was supposed to be
about people of color.

Not getting opportunities.
Finally making that happen

it was about that, for about
eight seconds.

Then somehow, white women swung
their Gucci-booted feet over the

fence of oppression and stuck
themselves at the front of the

line
I don't know how they did it

I've never heard so much
complaining in my life from

white women.
I'm hurt

with my SUV and heated seats
you have no idea what it's like

to be me
trashing white guys.

The nerve.
Where's the camera

the nerve of you white women
[ Laughter ]

I don't want to speak ill of my
bitches here, okay

I know
let's go back in history here,

okay
you guys stood by us toxic white

males through centuries of our
crimes against humanity.

You rolled around in the blood
money.

Occasionally when you wanted to
sneak off and hook up with a

black dude, if you got caught,
you said it wasn't consensual.

Yeah, that's what you did!
That's what you did!

So why don't you shut up, sit
down next to me, and take your

talking-to
[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]
Thank you.

So, I haven't been in New York
for about a year, you know

I was here last year, shooting a
movie.

Had a great time with judd
apatow, Pete Davidson, and all

the guys
[ Cheers and applause

yes, had a great time.
And I haven't been here in like

13 years
I immediately noticed how extra

crowded the city was
I was getting clause tro phobic.

What's going on?
People not using safe sex,

making all these babies, you
know

so I finally walked up to this
New York door guy, what's going

on
what's with all these people

he's like, oh, no, don't worry,
it's June.

He goes, it's pride month.
And I'm like, what's that?

You know
I'm 52, never heard of it,

right?
Didn't have that when I was a

kid.
He goes, gay pride month

and I was just like, oooh!
You know when you're just stuck

in the matrix and you can't --
everything's pressed up, you

can't see anything
somebody gives you that nugget

of information that pulls it
back

why's it so crowded?
It's gay pride month

oh
tank tops!

Zero percent body fat!
Two guys kissing

rainbow flags!
Aah!

I didn't know that
that's what I learned.

The month of June is gay pride
month.

That's a little long, don't you
think?

For a group of people that were
never enslaved

how did they get all of June
the black people were actually

enslaved, they get February.
They get 28 days of overcast

weather.
Sun goes down at 4:00 in the

afternoon.
Everybody's shivering.

Nobody wants to go on the
parade

[ laughter ]
[ Applause ]

How about you hook them up with
July

these are equator people
give them the sun for 31 days.

There's gay black people, they
could celebrate from June 1st,

June 31st, 61 days to celebrate.
That's my time

we've got a great show for you
guys, everybody.

Jack white is here
ea sckrod, e' bazing.

Plseti aun wlle
right back

thank you so much for doing
this, it's so nice to have a

reason to get out of the house
we method we could at least

get together out here so we can
social distance on the deck.

As much as we want to see
people I know it's

nerve-racking.
Jeannie and Don, we haven't

seen you this whole time
yeah, I know, we've been

really, really deep in our
bubble

you're the first people we've
seen in six months

I hope we remember how
yeah, I'm actually a little

freaked out seeing people in 3D,
I'm glad we did this

yeah, me too.
Such a weird time

it really is.
It's a cliche, but it's

unpresidented.
Ha ha, that's funny

that is funny
what?

What's funny
you said unpresidented.

As a joke.
Like we don't have a president

oh, no.
I just -- I said the word.

Yeah, like they say at the
beginning of every commercial,

in these unpresidented times
in these unpresidented times

you need snickers or whatever.
Oh, okay.

I guess we had it confused.
Yeah, because the word is

actually -
you don't have to actually do

that
well, I would want to know --

you can let it go
I'm sorry -

let what go
no, it's just the word you're

thinking of is unprecedented
is it really?

Unprec -- unprecedented?
Unprecedented

okay
I guess -- I guess we said

that wrong
unprecedented, okay, thank

you.
Yes

unprec -- unprecedented?
Thank you.

Well -- you know what's
unprecedented?

These wings.
Oh, do you like them?

I baked them
yeah, I actually think they

taste better than when they're
fried --

I'm sorry we said the word
wrong!

I'm sorry, what, what
happened

I'm sorry we said the word
wrong in your house, or the --

on your deck, sorry, we're on
the deck

it -- it was nothing --
watch it, Jeannie, don't say

you're on the house when we're
on the deck, you wouldn't want

to say the wrong place
we made so many mistakes

tonight and I'm sorry!
Sorry

sorry we had the nerve to make
so many mistakes on your deck!

Don't get upset, it's -- it's
nothing.

Yeah, you know, the other day
I said dua lippy instead of dua

lipa -
we have not been out of that

house in six months.
We've had how many COVID

scarce
I don't know, I -

20, 20!
I get fevers, I don't even

know why, okay
so sorry if we're a little on

edge, it's just where we're at
okay, this is just our noon

normal
okay

new normal?
What?

Don't correct him, you ain't
got to correct him -

no, no, no, no, no.
What did you say

I said new normal.
What did you say?

The phrase is new normal.
He said noon normal

no, I know.
But it's new normal.

What is noon normal?
You know, it's when -- it's

when the day's going great, and
around noontime, it just -- I

don't know
good god

we are all we have!
We only see each other, every

day!
Things get repeated

our brains get confused!
We don't have a deck!

We don't have outdoor lights
we don't have baked wings!

We're not rich
we drink our money, okay?

Our money goes to drinks!
Good Jesus!

I'm sorry
I -- I have kicked the wings

I'm sorry.
Yeah, I -- I might have

broken a glass
and -- I think she broke one

too, so we owe you two glasses,
all right?

For all intent and porpoises,
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we're bad
Jeannie, Don, calm down, come

on
it's okay.

The world is really stressful
right now.

You don't have to be sorry for
anything

my wings are everywhere,
but the important thing is that

we're together
and we're safe.

And healthy.
Yeah, yeah.

And thank god no one has COVID.
I think you mean covin.

We're going to run out of
glasses.

You know, that's right.
It is covin.

I meant to say covin
here's to the end of covin!

♪
good morning

welcome to "the blitz.
I'm Michelle Compton

with me as always is hall of
fame receiver Kevin "cash"

dozier and the incomparable Gill
Scott.

How are you gentlemen?
Well, I've been better,

Michelle
I am fired up, Michelle, how

how about them bears
I see Gill is excited to talk

about Chicago's win over
tampa --

no, no, that wasn't just a
win, that was a statement to the

rest of the NFL.
And I specifically remember my

esteemed colleague, Mr. Hall of
famer here not only called me a

stupid idiot for believing in
Chicago, but you even bet me a

steak dinner at lombardo's that
they'd lose.

Don't try weaseling out of it
like you always do.

Gill seems very happy here.
I am more than happy.

Last night was the best night of
my life.

I'm going to put my bears gear
on here.

I haven't eaten all day to make
room for that steak you owe me,

buddy.
I see Mr. Quiet over there

doesn't have much to say, do
you, huh

looking like you're going to cry
or something

huh?
No, I didn't -- I didn't

actually watch the game.
I bet you didn't because you

owe me a steak
as I was saying, I didn't

watch the game after hearing
about Kareem Jenkins, the black

man who was shot by police last
night.

It was a terrible tragedy.
Yeah.

Me neither, Kevin.
Football, sports in general,

everything just feels so small
after yesterday's tragedy.

Yeah, I totally agree,
Michelle

all I could watch was the news
coverage of the ongoing protests

and riots.
Oh, yeah.

That speech from his parents was
truly heartbreaking.

Yeah, yeah.
I mean -- that was truly -- that

was heartbreaking.
But Gill, since you watched

the game last night --
I mean, I -- I watched -- I

watched some of the game
but I was -- I was flipping back

and forth between the news
but I was mostly watching the

news
well, you're a stronger man

than I am, Gill, because I
couldn't stomach one second of

football last night.
I went out and spoke with

some protesters --
just to be clear, there was a

ticker score at the bottom of
the news

that's what I was watching
you know what, I think I should

take this crap off.
I'm sorry to cut you off,

Gill
I just have to say this into the

camera
as a black man, I want to know,

when this is all going to stop
no, no, not now -

I'm so sorry to stop you,
Kevin, but there's something

going on here.
Okay.

This is awkward.
But -- you know, I thought that

Kevin might Welch on our steak
bet like he always does, so I

thought it would be fun to have
lombardo's send this to the

I'm sorry.
Please, please continue.

And for the big baby?
That's my fault, that's my

fault.
What is this?

It's -- it's a baby bottle.
Because I -- I thought you were

going to make excuses for the
bucs losing.

It was supposed to be funny.
Fresh cracked pepper, sir

what?
No, that's fine --

fresh cracked pepper for your
steak?

I don't want this, I don't
want this.

Is it not the right
temperature?

I can tell by looking at it
it's perfect

just get it out of here.
Finish what you were saying

while Gill enjoys his juicy
steak.

Yeah, so as I was saying, as
a black man, I am sick and tired

of asking -- hey -- is that a
filter on me

okay, I -- I told the booth
to do that -- cut it out, guys,

please
you know, I -- just get this

stupid steak out of here,
please.

Sorry about this I'll throw
it right out

just wrap it up or something.
It's no problem, we can throw

it away.
Please get rid of it.

Well, might as well wrap it up,
now that you have it.

Okay, whatever you want.
Keep it out in the open

look, I just want to say, okay
what happened --

why don't you just eat the
steak, Gill?

I don't want to eat the
steak.

Okay
I just -- we shouldn't waste it,

right?
[ Laughter ]

Smells so good
just wrap it up, put it in the

break room, someone will eat it
eventually.

Gill, you don't have to
pretend.

You don't have to pretend you're
upset.

You clearly are not.
I am upset.

Give me a camera
okay, I want to make this

perfectly clear.
That nont support nor will I be

defined by the comments of a
couple of trolls

what happened last night is
completely unaccepted --

unacceptable and it breaks my
heart.

What happened to that guy.
What guy?

The -- the guy you were
talking about.

Yeah, but what's his name
you said it earlier.

And
god, there's so many guys to

name, it's just -- and that's
the problem!

You know, give me a second
I saw a homeless guy I can give

it to.
All right, here you go, sir.

Okay, thank you
I was told that you'd take

care of the bill
man, I ain't paying this damn

bill.
See, see?

I knew he was going to Welch on
it every time.

Deal's a deal!

Hey, guys, it's me, Benji,
from the hit show "the buddies"

on Nintendo TV
I've also got a bunch of fun

auditions and really cool stuff
coming up.

But I'm here today because the
state of the world is so awful

I can't sit back and just be an
actor anymore.

Not with this incredible
platform "the buddies" has given

me
so, Mr. President, hear me when

I say --
♪

♪ look out your windo
there's kids in cage

bet you can't see them
from your golfing ranges ♪

♪ you've had three wive
you don't care

about our live
well enough is enough is enough

Mr. Trump ♪
♪ you're a puppet for Mr. Putin

you're the one who's doing all
the looting ♪

♪ not up to the task you don't
even wear a mask so enough is

enough is enough Mr. Trump ♪
♪ I won't sit back like

everything is fine I can't sit
back with so much on the line ♪

♪ you may be president but
you're not mine enough is enough

is enough Mr. Trump ♪
I tag Leonardo dicapri

Trevor Noah an
Jason momoa ♪

♪ let's get this vide
to 100 million views

by midnigh
so we can finally send ♪

♪ Donald Trump the messag
that enough is enough ♪

Posted.
I did it

hey, Kevin, how's it going, man?
Did you see my video

yeah, I just felt like I
couldn't sit by any longer and

not say something, you know?
I needed to make my voice heard.

I should take it down.
Take it down immediately

uh-huh
no one needs this from me.

You know what?
I got to go, Kevin, Kelsey's

calling me
hey, kels, you see my vid?

Yes, yeah, I just -- you know, I
wanted to use my platform as an

artist -- I should take it down.
Should take it down right now.

Yeah, but -- here's -- so I
really think that this is such

an important election, and I
feel like I need to do my part

as an actor to make a
difference --

I'm not famous enough.
Just a desperate career move

could actually mobilize his
base

okay, kels, you know what?
I actually got to go

hey, roomie, just wanted to say
sorry about the mess in the

living room.
Don't know if you saw, but -

take it down
well, yeah, I know it's a little

embarrassing because I realized
after I shot it that I forgot to

put a shirt on -- no one's
buying that.

You heard me doing pushups
before

[ doorbell ringing ]
Oh, sorry, my girlfriend's here.

Hey, baby.
You're not coming in

I just -- what
a box of all my stuff.

Hello?
Is this the guy from the

"enough is enough" video
yes, I --

don't tag me for that
pathetic piece of [ Bleep ] --

I -
that's the saddest, weakest

thing I've ever seen
I'm watching it and I'm thinking

to myself, how the [ Bleep ] did
this guy even get to that age

without dying?
You need to take it down

because it's pathetic and you're
a loser.

It worked
Jason momoa knows me

[ cheers and applause

ladies and gentlemen,
Jack white

[ cheers and applause
♪

♪
♪ when you hurt m

you hurt yoursel
when you lie to me

you lying to yourself ♪
♪ when you hurt m

you hurt yoursel
don't hurt yourself ♪

♪ when you love m
you love yoursel

love god herself ♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪ it's quite possible tha

I'm your third man gir
but it's a fact that

I'm the seventh son ♪
♪

♪ your third man girl
but it's a fact that

I'm the seventh son ♪
♪

♪ you don't care about me but
still when the day is done ♪

♪
♪ the noble sai

to the peopl
close your public schools ♪

♪ until death passes you by you
better close all your churches

too ♪
♪ I'm done talkin

yes I'm walkin
god is coming soon ♪

♪ I'm done talkin
yes I'm walkin

the lord is coming soon ♪
♪ the other peopl

just couldn't get ou
♪ I'll find a soap box to shout

it to you ♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪ the great disease

was mighty
and people wer

sick everywhere ♪
♪

♪ the great disease
was mighty

and people wer
sick everywhere ♪

♪
♪ it was an epidemi

and it traveled through the
air ♪

♪
♪ let's have a ball and

a biscuit suga
and take our sweet

little time about it ♪
♪

♪ let's have a ball
and take our sweet

little time about it ♪
♪

♪ tell everybody in the
place to just get ou

and we'll ge
clean together ♪

♪ and I'll find me
soap box where

I can shout it ♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

[ Cheers and applause

it's "weekend update" with
Colin jost and Michael che

[ cheers and applause
thank you

thank you very much.
Good evening, everyone

welcome to "weekend update.
I'm Michael che.

I'm Colin jost.
This week was mental illness

awareness week
and trust me, we're aware.

[ Laughter ]
President and active bioweapon

Donald Trump took his doctors
hostage and broke out of the

hospital like Sarah Conner in
"Terminator 2.

And I guess he must have been in
a coma and thought the year was

2016, because he started
demanding Hillary's emails and

for the feds to arrest Obama
then he released a series of odd

videos from the White House
which started like this.

Perhaps you recognize me,
it's your favorite president

actually, I barely recognize
you, because your makeup artist

seems to have given you the
dolezal.

[ Laughter ]
Also, why does it look like

there's a green screen behind
you?

It's a little suspicious when
you green screen yourself into

the place where you already are.
[ Laughter ]

It looked like you're shooting a
commercial for a staten island

wedding venue.
Make all your romantic dreams

come true at the White House
want to do a big event with no

mask
the White House!

President Trump claimed to
have survived the coronavirus.

Yay!
I'm not going to say I'm

disappointed, but it's kind of
like when there's a car crash

and the only survivor is the
drunk driver

[ audience moaning ]
Trump said him getting COVID

was, quote, a blessing from
god.

And I bet even god was like,
"hey, we tried, guys."

[ Laughter ]
Actually, maybe we should be

more optimistic about this
I mean, there's two ways we can

look at it
either Trump's telling the truth

and we finally have a cure for
COVID, or Trump is lying and

he's still going to die.
[ Laughter ]

I'm not going to say that's a
win-win, but it's definitely not

a lose-lose.
No

I also have to say, it's
amazing to watch a guy have a

near-death experience and learn
nothing from it.

It's like watching someone smoke
through the hole in their neck

[ laughter ]
In fact, Trump is now trying to

convince Americans that COVID
actually makes you stronger, and

that it made him feel better
than he did 20 years ago

so he went from COVID is a hoax,
to COVID will disappear one day

like a miracle, and now he's
like, actually, COVID is the

miracle and it was inside of us
all along.

If getting COVID is good, his
supporters are in luck

this is him at a rally last week
when he had corona

come on, look at him
he's like an evil Oprah.

You're getting COVID, you're
getting COVID, you're getting

COVID!
Look under your seats, it's a

ventilator!
[ Laughter ]

It's a dark show.
President Trump said that a

therapeutic drug from regeneron,
which is derived from stem

cells, is the cure for COVID,
which seemed unlikely,

unfounded, irresponsible, and I
can't wait to buy 1,000 shares

of regeneron baby juice stock.
I call it baby juice

you know, it's kind of funny
that these old Republicans are

so anti-abortion when it comes
to everybody else, but then they

do a complete 180 as soon as
stem cells can save their lives

or when I get their daughter
pregnant

[ laughter ]
What

what
last night, President Trump

received a medical evaluation on
fox news

here to give a second opinio
is "weekend update's" resident

medical expert Dr. Wayne
weknowdis.

Hello, doctor
hello, Dr. Weknowdis

you are highly respected in your
field.

Yes, weknowdis.
So thank you for helping make

sense of this, because having a
televised medical exam is highly

unusual.
Yes

we do know dis
yeah, so on fox, Trump

answered some questions from a
doctor

we know dis
Trump won't say if he has a

negative test yet.
We don't know dis

he might technically still be
contagious.

We know dis
he's still so good, he said,

I may be immune.
What is dis

now he's holding rallies.
Who does dis?

He do dis.
We hate dis.

We know dis.
I'm sorry, Dr. Weknowdis.

Yes
are you saying we know this

or are you saying your last
name

okay, yes
weknowdis in Greek it translates

to, we know this, like, we are
aware of this.

Okay.
Okay, yeah

I think I got it.
Uh-huh.

So is there a risk of Trump
infecting more people now that

he's gone back in the white
house?

Okay, very complicated.
How -- how can I say this so you

can get it
a room have air, right

we know dis.
And everybodyhave a nose, we

know dis
everybody's face, it have a

hole
everybody get the virus.

We know dis.
Uh-huh.

We know dis.
Okay, we know this, yeah.

Now Trump did say he's going to
give the COVID drug he got to

everyone who needs it for free
is that possible or true

no.
[ Laughter ]

I thought you'd say a little
more

okay
all right.

[ Laughter ]
Well, Trump is clearly itching

to get back on the campaign
trail, and I'm wondering, now

he's planning to hold a rally in
Florida on Monday.

Is it safe for him to go to
Florida?

We don't know dis
because he still might be

contagious
no, just because Florida,

seem like a freaky place
[ Laughter ]

Thank you so much for
stopping by, doctor --

oh wait, no, no, no
while I'm here, I have to give

you an exam.
Oh, that's okay -

I've got to take your blood
pressure -

that's okay, doctor
I'm in amazing shape

we, we know dis
going to do it anyway.

Okay, thank you
blood pressure.

[ Squeaking
blood pressure

[ laughter ]
We don't need to do this.

♪ Nob nob nob bing bing bang
bang bing bing those ♪

♪ blood pressure
♪ blood pressure

Kate.
Kate

are you okay
I'm obviously not

[ laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause

okay, okay.
What -- what is going on

I'm sorry
it's such a crazy time

and this is something I started
doing to cope.

I have a lot of wigs and
moustaches at my disposal.

It's a nice way to escape.
You know, refreshing to play a

character who -- who know dis.
[ Laughter ]

Okay, sure.
I mean, who will win the

election
we don't know dis.

When will the pandemic end
this, we don't know dis.

What will happen to the world?
We do not know dis

[ speaking ]
But Colin, the one thing we do

know is that -- no
we don't know dis.

[ Laughter ]
Well, listen.

I know it is very stressful.
I know this is very hard right

now.
I know a lot of people are being

very resilient about it.
I know even though it doesn't

seem good, don't worry, we can
figure this out, we can do this.

We can do what?
We can do dis.

We know dis
Dr. Weknowdis, everyone

[ cheers and applause
[ Cheers and applause

orthodox Jewish leaders in
New York City lashed out at a

newly imposed coronavirus
restriction in their

neighborhood by setting fires
and burning masks.

And it's a miracle, the masks
burned for eight nights.

[ Laughter ]
Come on

that's a good one, come on.
Stop it, stop it.

Goldman sachs is reporting
that if Joe biden wins the

election and democrats regain
control of congress, the economy

will recover faster.
I don't have a joke for that

I just wanted to point out that
Trump's only thing he says he's

good at is the economy, and the
economy itself was like, I'm

voting for biden
[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause
this is the worst.

A new Halloween costume being
sold this year is for sexy hand

sanitizer.
Which I think is just lube

McDonald's announced that
for the first time in a decade

it's adding new items to its
breakfast bakery menu, including

an apple fritter, a blueberry
muffin, and sin monthly rolls.

All for the low, low price of
one of your feet

[ laughter ]
Yankees legend whitey Ford

died this week at the age of 91.
Ford reminds us of a simpler

time when you could just name
your kid "whitey.

[ Laughter ]
It is dark.

Sizzler restaurants have
announced as a result of the

impact from COVID, they are
filing for bankruptcy.

Probably a good idea, since the
sizzler buffet is the closest

thing America has to a Wuhan wet
market

[ audience moaning ]
Oh!

Researchers in Nova Scotia
have found a 50-year-old great

white shark that they are
calling queen of the ocean,

because he gay as hell
[ Laughter ]

Pennsylvania -- Pennsylvania
police arrested a man who tried

to rent a horse online so that
he and his wife could have sex

with the animal.
But the man had no idea that the

whole time he was actually
chatting with a police horse

[ laughter ]
Thank you, thank you

thank you, thank you
over the summer, Harry Potter

author J.K. Rowling was accused
of transphobia for comparing

transgender hormone therapy to
forced gay conversion.

With more on this, it's Pete
Davidson

yay
thanks, Colin.

I -- I just learned it's mental
illness awareness week, so I

wanted to make everyone aware.
We out here and we crazy

go, giants
season's not over.

Season starts tomorrow
this is the giants' year,

everybody says it.
So what do you think about the

J.K. Rowling controversy
I think I'm never getting

another tattoo for the rest of
my life.

Don't get tattoos.
I got a Harry Potter tattoo

years ago, because I'm not
psychic.

I didn't know J.K. Rowling was
going to go all Mel Gibson on

us
[ Laughter ]

I have a "game of thrones"
tattoo, and now I'm terrified

one day George r.R. Martin is
going to be like, hey, if you

enjoyed what I had to say about
dragons and dire wolves, wait

till you hear what I think about
puerto ricans!

[ Laughter ]
Also, I have a winnie-the-pooh

tattoo, am I gonna have to find
out he was diddling piglet the

whole time
this is madness!

It's crazy times we live in!
It's not fair.

How did you feel when you
first heard that rowling said

something transphobic?
It really hurt, because I

have a close connection to those
movies

I look like Dobby the house elf
if he became a tiktok rapper

[ laughter ]
That wasn't very nice.

It is scarily accurate
the only difference between me

and Dobby is I'm a real person
and his movies get released in

theaters
[ Laughter ]

Oh, yeah.
All right.

So you found what J.K. Rowling
said disappointing

very disappointing, yeah
I long for a few years ago where

the worst thing she ever did was
the "fantastic beasts" movies.

There's no discrimination there,
those films harmed us equally.

I mean, what's wrong with her?
She creates a seven-book fantasy

series about all types of
mythical creatures living in

Harmony with wizards and elves
and the one thing she can't wrap

her head around is Laverne Cox
she's a national treasure!

Did you find what j.K. Said
surprising, then

yeah, at first.
Then I started thinking about

the fantastical world she
created.

The woods are controlled by
centaurs

the schools are run by wizards
and ghosts

who controls the banks
Jews, obviously!

Little giant-nosed Jew goblins
I can say that, because as you

can see, I'm half goblin
[ Laughter ]

Come on, if this isn't a Jews
run the banks reference, why do

they all look exactly like Alan
Dershowitz

[ laughter ]
You've been dersh'd, dersh

yeah, no -- so Pete, will you
stop reading the books

I never read any of the
books, and I saw part of

"Azkaban" on the plane once.
Pete Davidson, everyone

for "weekend update" I'm
Colin jost

I'm Michael che

Before we get down to
business, how about a welcome

home after 20 years in the
joint, Don pauly

salud!
Salud

I look around this room, I
see what used to be the most

ruthless, powerful crime family
in the city.

Damn right!
Shut up

I said used to be.
Because that sure as hell ain't

what it is now
what happened to this gang

we used to own this city
I go away 20 years, all of a

sudden now there's frigging
Mexicans controlling the

neighborhood
um -- okay.

What, what'd I say?
I say something wrong?

No disrespect, Don pauly, we
all get your point

I just think it's a little weird
you made it so, I don't know -

racial
yes, thank you, one person.

What do you mean?
Racial

vinny?
The diablos control the drugs in

this neighborhood, do they not
they do

they do.
Okay.

Last I checked, the diablos are
frigging Mexicans, are they not?

And he's doubling down,
great.

Woof!
Joe, you got a problem with

what I'm saying?
We're losing money over here

we understand your point, Don
pauly.

With all due respect, your
choice of words to some people

may seem, I don't know,
outdated

my choice of words?
Is this a joke

huh?
Is there a hidden video around

is Jimmy Kennedy somewhere
around to film me?

Jamie Kennedy
who's Jamie Kennedy?

Jamie Kennedy
the king of the pranks

he does the TV show.
He pranks people

oh, you mean Ashton kutcher
no, kutcher was "punk'd.

Look, just forget it, forget
it

all right?
Am I losing my freaking mind

here
Nicky the nose, you'd tell me if

I was going nuts, right, you'd
tell me.

Hey, Don pauly.
You know I don't mean no

disrespect to you.
But I just go by Nicky now

what?
You've been Nicky the nose since

we were kids
yeah, we don't give people

nicknames based on their
physical appearances anymore

that's called shaming.
And it don't feel too great

sometimes.
Yeah, see, Don pauly, your

words have, I don't know, power.
Yes, thank you.

I can't believe my frigging
ears

I mean, are we still gangsters
we still in the frigging mob

over here?
Of course we are, Don pauly,

but a lot's changed in the past
20 years.

No kidding.
This gang didn't used to be

filled with a bunch of queers.
Oh!

Whoa!
Easy!

Easy, Don pauly
no disrespect, but as someone

who identifies as queer, I take
a little exception to that

last comment of yours.
What?

So if you don't mind, I think
I'm going to take a mental

health day, and I'm going to
work from home now.

Of course, Johnny, god bless.
Salud!

Salud
whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell was that all
about?

Don pauly, you got to
understand

Johnny is -- sensitive
sensitive

he's a frigging murderer.
Hey, "they're" a frigging

murderer
what happened to you people,

huh?
Whoa, whoa.

You people
with all due respect, Don pauly,

what do you mean by you people
I didn't mean it like that, I

just meant everybody in general.
Wait a minute.

Who's the black chick?
[ Laughter ]

Um -- the woman of color
you're referring to is Gladys.

She's our capo
of this gang?

How the hell did that happen
we got slammed pretty hard on

Twitter for our lack of
diversity.

You remember the hashtag,
#mafiasolite

you've got to be frigging
kidding me

Don pauly, with all due
respect, representation is very

important, even in crime
besides, I'm more capable and

dangerous than any cis black or
white male gangster here

oh, really?
Okay

all right.
Then shoot vinny

with all due respect, Don
pauly, that's not how --

oh!
Whoa!

Whoa, get over here, that's
what I'm talking about, all

right!
Let me officially welcome you to

the --
hey

did this guy just frickin' try
to kiss me

whoa, without consent
in a pandemic

whoa!
[ Cheers and applause

Sam Adams has brewed
signature beers in the heart of

Boston since 1984.
Who better to check out our

Jack-o-pumpkin Boston ale than
real bostonians?

It's got that great Sam Adams
taste, but the pumpkin flavor

kicked it up a notch.
I love Sam Adams, but this

might even be better
Jesus Christ!

What the [ Bleep ] is that
[ Laughter ]

Okay.
This is the perfect beer for

sweater weather.
All right

let's try this for real.
I don't like that.

I'm not really a beer
drinker, but this might change

that
this is the kind of beer

somebody brings to a party at
your house, and then it just

like sits in the fridge for like
eight months

then one day your buddy comes
over, hey, you got a beer?

I'm like, well, I got this
pumpkin [ Bleep ].

Drink it, you know, it gets you
a buzz -

come on
I'm coming!

You've been sitting there for
half an hour enjoying myself -

you know, you're just like your
mother

oh, there you go
you guys should sell this

year round, seriously --
just grabbing one more.

Oh, watch it, my bad
getting old is hard.

I can definitely taste the
hops

Reese's puffs
what are you, gay?

Get some stop & shop corn flakes
in the welfare bag

what is that look?
Going to take a swing at me?

Is today the day
today is the day you take a

swing at your old man?
Are you a new man now?

I didn't think so!
Get off me!

Get off of me!
Get off me

[ bleep ]
Sam Adams Jack-o-pumpkin ale.

Real bostonians agree, it's --
kind of sweet and [ Bleep ],

but you know, th

Once again, Jack white
♪

♪ my veins are blue
and connecte

and every single bon
in my brain is electric ♪

♪ but I dig ditches lik
the best of 'e

yo trabajo dur
como en madera y eso ♪

♪
♪ como en madera y es

and even god herself
has fewer plans than m

but she never helps ♪
♪ me out with my scam

for free thoug
she grabs a stick an

then she pokes it at me ♪
♪ when I say nothin

I say everything
when I say nothing

I say everything ♪
♪ they put me dow

in a lazaretto
born rotte

bored rotten ♪
♪ making models of people

I used to know
out of coffee and cotton

and all of my illegitimate ♪
♪ kids have begotte

thrown down to the wolve
made feral for nothing

quarantined on the ♪
♪ Isle of Man

and I'm trying to escape
any way that I can oh ♪

♪
♪ I have no time left

time is lost
no time at all

♪ I shake god's han
I jump up and let he

know when I can ♪
♪ this is how

I'm gonna do it ♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪ they wanna blow

down the priso
they're lighting fires

with the cash ♪
♪ of the masses

and like the dough
I don't fall down ♪

♪ I'm so Detroit I make I
rise from the ashes ♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
[ Cheers and applause

Jack white -
[ Cheers and applause

Maya Rudolph, Jim carrey, the
entire cast.

I had the best time.
Eddie Van halen, rest in peace

the cast, the band, I had the
best time.

Thank you so much, everybody
goodnight!

[ Cheers and applause
♪

♪