Original subtitles

And now the thing that will change everyone's minds.

The vice presidential debate [ Cheers and applause

I'm Susan page and I missed book club for this

tonight we'll be discussing a who cares number of topics, each

lasting I couldn't tell you minutes.

But one thing is for sure, if anything's going to be trending

on Twitter tonight, it will be one of the humans involved in

this debate. Let's welcome them now

vice president Mike pence. [ Laughter ]

And senator kamala Harris. [ Cheers and applause

♪ oh, that's right!

The senator from California is present.

Thank you, senator. Tonight you'll notice between

the candidates we've installed buffet-style sneeze guards, on

account of one of you works for patient zero

it's actually fine by me, Suzanne.

12 feet apart and separated by plexiglass is how mother and I

sleep. Mr. Vice president, my first

question is for you. Thank you

the topic is coronavirus. Dammit.

Now, you were in charge of the coronavirus task force, and

since you took charge, over 200,000 Americans have died.

How do you explain that? Well, Susan, I'd like to

begin by stalling, hard. We're in Utah, wow

what a magnificent state even though their basketball

team is named after my greatest fear, jazz

I yield the remainder of my time.

All right senator Harris

this is what they do, Suzanne.

They avoid taking any responsibility -

we do not. Mr. Vice president, I'm

speaking [ Cheers and applause

speaking. Well, I'm just trying -

still speaking. But I -

see, I'm speaking I'm speaking right now, Arizona,

California, some mart parts of, I'm speaking.

I understand that. I don't think you do.

I do. Because you're talking and

I'm speaking this administration has

consistently lied to us about the virus.

They said they wanted to keep us calm

let me ask the American people this

how calm were you when you didn't know where you were going

to get your next roll of toilet paper?

Hm how calm were you when you were

staring at that cardboard tube when you finished the roll, and

you thought, well, it's technically paper?

And how calm were you when even that tube was gone and you

looked at your old t-shirts and a pair of scissors and thought,

are we doing this? [ Laughter ]

Now, I'd like to hear the vice president's response, and while

he speaks, I'm going to smile at him like I'm in a tj Maxx and a

white lady asks me if I work here

look. I promise you the president has

taken this virus seriously since the very beginning of last week.

Okay, so now, Susan what I'm going to do is I'm going to

more of a Clair huxtable side eye.

President Trump puts the health of all Americans way

ahead of his own personal and financial gain

hm. Okay, so now what I'm going to

do is I'm going to fix my face so you have no idea what I'm

thinking but every black woman at home

knows exactly what I'm thinking. And a few of the white women

and all of the gays. But enough about COVID.

Let's focus on the two issues Americans do care about.

Swine flu and fracking if anyone should be talking

about fracking, it's my guy, Joe biden.

Joe biden fracs in his free time

Joe biden will frack you so good, Pennsylvania

and while I personally wanted to ban fracking, now that I know

Pennsylvania loves it, I just want to say this

yous goise can bet on your wawa cheesesteak hoagie and all the

water in the schuylkill river on biden fracking, and go eagles.

Mr. Vice president, I have to ask this

what is the current health of President Trump?

Thank you for asking, Susan oh, I wasn't asking out of

sympathy, Mike, I was asking I've a simmering rage for his

incompetence and a sadistic hope that he is not well.

Unfortunately for you, then, the president is doing amazing

thanks to his team of terrified doctors.

As you heard from his primary physician, Dr. Handsome liar,

Trump is in peak physical condition.

Uh-huh. And to be clear, what

is medications has the president

taken? Almost none, Susan.

He's taken aspirin, which he's always taken

an injection of experimental monoclonal antibodies.

A macho man Randy savage amount of steroids.

A woman's probiotic for balance. 60 ccs of helium into his skull

so his head doesn't fall over on TV

so like a balloon head? That's correct.

Like a balloon head, yes he's also taking Viagra for

morale, and some horny goat weed he bought at a gas station,

because the president believes in medicine.

Unlike senator Harris, who said she wouldn't even take a

vaccine. If Dr. Fauci says a vaccine

is good, I will be the first in line like it's an Ann Taylor

sample sale. But if Trump says it's safe, I

will throw that vaccine in the trash like lastweek's shrimp

pad thai besides, mama's got all the

vaccine she needs right here senator Harris, if elected,

would you pack the supreme court?

Susan, instead of answering that exact question, I'd like to

tell you the story of when Joe picked me to be his running

mate Joe told me we were just going

out for dinner then he got down on one knee

that's when I knew that he needed help up

after that, he gathered himself and said, "ka-mah-la, let's do

this. And I said, "it's kamala.

And he said, "I will never, ever get that right.

That's very sweet and vice president pence, how

did President Trump ask you? He texted me.

Oh my god, I can't believe those religious psychos made me pick

pence. Then he texted, oops, wrong

person he hasn't texted me since.

Oh, except in march he wrote, coronavirus, yours now

and I'm sorry, what did you do to stop that virus?

Because Joe biden and I have a plan -

oh, like swine flu? What?

Swine flu 2 million dead

2 million if you include the swine.

Those poor little piggies. Okay, this fool's up here

talking about dead pigs. Lord love a duck.

Kamala can't get a word in edgewise

this joker drops more road apples than a bull eating a bran

muffin calm down, Joe, it's okay

no, it's not, Jill. I need to do something

I need to teleport to that debate and save the soul of this

nation whoa, got up too fast.

Sir, the teleportation machine's not ready yet.

It needs at least six more months

you heard him, Joe, it's too dangerous.

And what about COVID protocols don't worry, I'll wear a

mask on my eyes

and that is how president Trump will make the economy

better by making it worse. I'm sorry to interrupt, vice

president pence. There's a --

war on police in this country?

I couldn't agree more. No, no, there's a -- um --

there's a giant -- lack of respect for militias?

You're darn right. No.

Senator Harris, help me out. Oh, no, I'm good.

[ Laughter ] Looking real good, Mike, keep it

up let me at him

let me at him! Mr. Vice president, do you

not feel that at all I'll tell you what I feel,

Susan. I feel for the businesses that

are going to be crippled by Joe biden's tax cuts

yes, yes. Your economy is so in the

toilet I want to lay my eggs on it.

What, what oh, no, there must have been

a fly in the teleportation machine.

That's why Joe turned into a fly.

Yeah, but that doesn't explain why he sounds like Jeff

goldblum god created dinosaurs

dinosaurs become Republicans Republicans create Trump

Trump destroys god hm

oh, no. Now he's gone full goldblum.

Even has the glasses. Apartments.Com.

The most popular place to find a place.

No, no yes, yes

because life finds a way Mr. Vice president?

Yes Mr. Vice president, there's

another one. Another antifa rally?

No surprise there. Oh, honey, at this point I'm

just enjoying the show man, what kind of nonsense is

Mike pence trying to pull? Do tell, do tell.

Wait -- I'm sorry -- friend, you look familiar.

Well, I better. I'm Herman Cain.

Reincarnated as a damn fly and these fools, Trump and

pence, killed me, man. They invited me to a rally with

no mask and said, everything's fine, Herman

I tell corona, it don't tell me, everything is fine, Herman

the White House doctors check me out, everything's fine, Herman

three days later, I get it if you're watching this at home,

don't trust this white devil about that rona.

Vice president pence, I -- I think one of your flies is

screaming at you gonna give you the rona

okay, I think we need to shut this debate down for the good of

humanity senator Harris, would you like

to do what everyone at home wants to do?

Oh, I would flies, anything else you

would like to add? Am I dying again?

Be afraid be very afraid

and live from New York, it's Saturday night

♪ announcer: It's "Saturday

night live. With -

Beck Bennett aidy Bryant,

Michael che, Pete Davidson,

Mikey day, Heidi gardner,

Colin jost Kate McKinnon,

Alex moffat, Kyle mooney,

ego nwodim Chris redd

cecily strong, kenan Thompson

Melissa villasenor featuring --

Andrew dismukes, Chloe fineman,

Lauren holt, Mikey Johnson,

Bowen Yang musical guest Jack white

and your host, bill burr

ladies and gentlemen, bill burr! [ Cheers and applause

♪ thank you

thank you so much. Thank you.

I am so -- I am so excited to be here

I have been doing standup forever.

And this has always been a lifelong dream of mine to come

and host "Saturday night live. So thank you so much for coming

out. [ Cheers and applause

coming out during these difficult times.

You got to look like surgeons with your masks on

makes me feel comfortable that you're wearing masks

I like people who wear masks that's good.

You're listening to the eggheads

the people we all cheated off of in high school, right?

Keep listening to them and then if you don't wear a

mask, that doesn't bug me either, right?

Take out your grand parents. You know

take out your weak cousin with the asthma, I don't care

it's your decision there's too many people.

It's a dream come true if you're that dumb and you want

to kill your own family members, by all means, do it.

Stops you from reproducing it's literally a dream come

true and speaking of dreams come

true -- did you see Rick moranis got sucker punched on the upper

West Side? New York is back, baby

[ cheers and applause New York is back, yes!

We lost our x-factor for a minute

city started looking like a giant bed, bath & beyond

then bam Ricky took one in the chops.

It had to happen that's what happens when you

stick an m&ms store in times square, all right?

The universe has to balance itself

get the peep shows back in times square, old people can walk

safely 40 blocks away. I don't know

I'll probably get canceled for doing that, you know, how stupid

that is canceled thing they're literally running out of

people to cancel they're going after dead people

now. They're trying to cancel John

Wayne. It's like, god did that 40 years

ago. They're all up in arms

they're like did you hear what he said in that interview in

"playboy" in 1970? Can you believe that

it's like, yeah. He was born in 1907.

That's what these people sounded like

you never talked to your grandparents and brought up the

wrong subject? All of a sudden they went off

the rails? Like oh, god

keep making the cookies. Yeah, don't bring up race or

religion with your grandparents. You keep it simple

anyway, I don't know I know, I get -- my grandparents

are older, I don't know. Plowing ahead.

Plowing ahead, let's talk -- let's talk white women here,

shall we let's talk white women

amazing. Amazing your accomplishments

over the last few years. The way white women somehow

hijacked the woke movement generals around the world should

be analyzing this. To refresh your memory, the woke

movement was supposed to be about people of color.

Not getting opportunities. Finally making that happen

it was about that, for about eight seconds.

Then somehow, white women swung their Gucci-booted feet over the

fence of oppression and stuck themselves at the front of the

line I don't know how they did it

I've never heard so much complaining in my life from

white women. I'm hurt

with my SUV and heated seats you have no idea what it's like

to be me trashing white guys.

The nerve. Where's the camera

the nerve of you white women [ Laughter ]

I don't want to speak ill of my bitches here, okay

I know let's go back in history here,

okay you guys stood by us toxic white

males through centuries of our crimes against humanity.

You rolled around in the blood money.

Occasionally when you wanted to sneak off and hook up with a

black dude, if you got caught, you said it wasn't consensual.

Yeah, that's what you did! That's what you did!

So why don't you shut up, sit down next to me, and take your

talking-to [ Laughter ]

[ Applause ] Thank you.

So, I haven't been in New York for about a year, you know

I was here last year, shooting a movie.

Had a great time with judd apatow, Pete Davidson, and all

the guys [ Cheers and applause

yes, had a great time. And I haven't been here in like

13 years I immediately noticed how extra

crowded the city was I was getting clause tro phobic.

What's going on? People not using safe sex,

making all these babies, you know

so I finally walked up to this New York door guy, what's going

on what's with all these people

he's like, oh, no, don't worry, it's June.

He goes, it's pride month. And I'm like, what's that?

You know I'm 52, never heard of it,

right? Didn't have that when I was a

kid. He goes, gay pride month

and I was just like, oooh! You know when you're just stuck

in the matrix and you can't -- everything's pressed up, you

can't see anything somebody gives you that nugget

of information that pulls it back

why's it so crowded? It's gay pride month

oh tank tops!

Zero percent body fat! Two guys kissing

rainbow flags! Aah!

I didn't know that that's what I learned.

The month of June is gay pride month.

That's a little long, don't you think?

For a group of people that were never enslaved

how did they get all of June the black people were actually

enslaved, they get February. They get 28 days of overcast

weather. Sun goes down at 4:00 in the

afternoon. Everybody's shivering.

Nobody wants to go on the parade

[ laughter ] [ Applause ]

How about you hook them up with July

these are equator people give them the sun for 31 days.

There's gay black people, they could celebrate from June 1st,

June 31st, 61 days to celebrate. That's my time

we've got a great show for you guys, everybody.

Jack white is here ea sckrod, e' bazing.

Plseti aun wlle right back

thank you so much for doing this, it's so nice to have a

reason to get out of the house we method we could at least

get together out here so we can social distance on the deck.

As much as we want to see people I know it's

nerve-racking. Jeannie and Don, we haven't

seen you this whole time yeah, I know, we've been

really, really deep in our bubble

you're the first people we've seen in six months

I hope we remember how yeah, I'm actually a little

freaked out seeing people in 3D, I'm glad we did this

yeah, me too. Such a weird time

it really is. It's a cliche, but it's

unpresidented. Ha ha, that's funny

that is funny what?

What's funny you said unpresidented.

As a joke. Like we don't have a president

oh, no. I just -- I said the word.

Yeah, like they say at the beginning of every commercial,

in these unpresidented times in these unpresidented times

you need snickers or whatever. Oh, okay.

I guess we had it confused. Yeah, because the word is

actually - you don't have to actually do

that well, I would want to know --

you can let it go I'm sorry -

let what go no, it's just the word you're

thinking of is unprecedented is it really?

Unprec -- unprecedented? Unprecedented

okay I guess -- I guess we said

that wrong unprecedented, okay, thank

you. Yes

unprec -- unprecedented? Thank you.

Well -- you know what's unprecedented?

These wings. Oh, do you like them?

I baked them yeah, I actually think they

taste better than when they're fried --

I'm sorry we said the word wrong!

I'm sorry, what, what happened

I'm sorry we said the word wrong in your house, or the --

on your deck, sorry, we're on the deck

it -- it was nothing -- watch it, Jeannie, don't say

you're on the house when we're on the deck, you wouldn't want

to say the wrong place we made so many mistakes

tonight and I'm sorry! Sorry

sorry we had the nerve to make so many mistakes on your deck!

Don't get upset, it's -- it's nothing.

Yeah, you know, the other day I said dua lippy instead of dua

lipa - we have not been out of that

house in six months. We've had how many COVID

scarce I don't know, I -

20, 20! I get fevers, I don't even

know why, okay so sorry if we're a little on

edge, it's just where we're at okay, this is just our noon

normal okay

new normal? What?

Don't correct him, you ain't got to correct him -

no, no, no, no, no. What did you say

I said new normal. What did you say?

The phrase is new normal. He said noon normal

no, I know. But it's new normal.

What is noon normal? You know, it's when -- it's

when the day's going great, and around noontime, it just -- I

don't know good god

we are all we have! We only see each other, every

day! Things get repeated

our brains get confused! We don't have a deck!

We don't have outdoor lights we don't have baked wings!

We're not rich we drink our money, okay?

Our money goes to drinks! Good Jesus!

I'm sorry I -- I have kicked the wings

I'm sorry. Yeah, I -- I might have

broken a glass and -- I think she broke one

too, so we owe you two glasses, all right?

For all intent and porpoises, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we're bad Jeannie, Don, calm down, come

on it's okay.

The world is really stressful right now.

You don't have to be sorry for anything

my wings are everywhere, but the important thing is that

we're together and we're safe.

And healthy. Yeah, yeah.

And thank god no one has COVID. I think you mean covin.

We're going to run out of glasses.

You know, that's right. It is covin.

I meant to say covin here's to the end of covin!

♪ good morning

welcome to "the blitz. I'm Michelle Compton

with me as always is hall of fame receiver Kevin "cash"

dozier and the incomparable Gill Scott.

How are you gentlemen? Well, I've been better,

Michelle I am fired up, Michelle, how

how about them bears I see Gill is excited to talk

about Chicago's win over tampa --

no, no, that wasn't just a win, that was a statement to the

rest of the NFL. And I specifically remember my

esteemed colleague, Mr. Hall of famer here not only called me a

stupid idiot for believing in Chicago, but you even bet me a

steak dinner at lombardo's that they'd lose.

Don't try weaseling out of it like you always do.

Gill seems very happy here. I am more than happy.

Last night was the best night of my life.

I'm going to put my bears gear on here.

I haven't eaten all day to make room for that steak you owe me,

buddy. I see Mr. Quiet over there

doesn't have much to say, do you, huh

looking like you're going to cry or something

huh? No, I didn't -- I didn't

actually watch the game. I bet you didn't because you

owe me a steak as I was saying, I didn't

watch the game after hearing about Kareem Jenkins, the black

man who was shot by police last night.

It was a terrible tragedy. Yeah.

Me neither, Kevin. Football, sports in general,

everything just feels so small after yesterday's tragedy.

Yeah, I totally agree, Michelle

all I could watch was the news coverage of the ongoing protests

and riots. Oh, yeah.

That speech from his parents was truly heartbreaking.

Yeah, yeah. I mean -- that was truly -- that

was heartbreaking. But Gill, since you watched

the game last night -- I mean, I -- I watched -- I

watched some of the game but I was -- I was flipping back

and forth between the news but I was mostly watching the

news well, you're a stronger man

than I am, Gill, because I couldn't stomach one second of

football last night. I went out and spoke with

some protesters -- just to be clear, there was a

ticker score at the bottom of the news

that's what I was watching you know what, I think I should

take this crap off. I'm sorry to cut you off,

Gill I just have to say this into the

camera as a black man, I want to know,

when this is all going to stop no, no, not now -

I'm so sorry to stop you, Kevin, but there's something

going on here. Okay.

This is awkward. But -- you know, I thought that

Kevin might Welch on our steak bet like he always does, so I

thought it would be fun to have lombardo's send this to the

I'm sorry. Please, please continue.

And for the big baby? That's my fault, that's my

fault. What is this?

It's -- it's a baby bottle. Because I -- I thought you were

going to make excuses for the bucs losing.

It was supposed to be funny. Fresh cracked pepper, sir

what? No, that's fine --

fresh cracked pepper for your steak?

I don't want this, I don't want this.

Is it not the right temperature?

I can tell by looking at it it's perfect

just get it out of here. Finish what you were saying

while Gill enjoys his juicy steak.

Yeah, so as I was saying, as a black man, I am sick and tired

of asking -- hey -- is that a filter on me

okay, I -- I told the booth to do that -- cut it out, guys,

please you know, I -- just get this

stupid steak out of here, please.

Sorry about this I'll throw it right out

just wrap it up or something. It's no problem, we can throw

it away. Please get rid of it.

Well, might as well wrap it up, now that you have it.

Okay, whatever you want. Keep it out in the open

look, I just want to say, okay what happened --

why don't you just eat the steak, Gill?

I don't want to eat the steak.

Okay I just -- we shouldn't waste it,

right? [ Laughter ]

Smells so good just wrap it up, put it in the

break room, someone will eat it eventually.

Gill, you don't have to pretend.

You don't have to pretend you're upset.

You clearly are not. I am upset.

Give me a camera okay, I want to make this

perfectly clear. That nont support nor will I be

defined by the comments of a couple of trolls

what happened last night is completely unaccepted --

unacceptable and it breaks my heart.

What happened to that guy. What guy?

The -- the guy you were talking about.

Yeah, but what's his name you said it earlier.

And god, there's so many guys to

name, it's just -- and that's the problem!

You know, give me a second I saw a homeless guy I can give

it to. All right, here you go, sir.

Okay, thank you I was told that you'd take

care of the bill man, I ain't paying this damn

bill. See, see?

I knew he was going to Welch on it every time.

Deal's a deal!

Hey, guys, it's me, Benji, from the hit show "the buddies"

on Nintendo TV I've also got a bunch of fun

auditions and really cool stuff coming up.

But I'm here today because the state of the world is so awful

I can't sit back and just be an actor anymore.

Not with this incredible platform "the buddies" has given

me so, Mr. President, hear me when

I say -- ♪

♪ look out your windo there's kids in cage

bet you can't see them from your golfing ranges ♪

♪ you've had three wive you don't care

about our live well enough is enough is enough

Mr. Trump ♪ ♪ you're a puppet for Mr. Putin

you're the one who's doing all the looting ♪

♪ not up to the task you don't even wear a mask so enough is

enough is enough Mr. Trump ♪ ♪ I won't sit back like

everything is fine I can't sit back with so much on the line ♪

♪ you may be president but you're not mine enough is enough

is enough Mr. Trump ♪ I tag Leonardo dicapri

Trevor Noah an Jason momoa ♪

♪ let's get this vide to 100 million views

by midnigh so we can finally send ♪

♪ Donald Trump the messag that enough is enough ♪

Posted. I did it

hey, Kevin, how's it going, man? Did you see my video

yeah, I just felt like I couldn't sit by any longer and

not say something, you know? I needed to make my voice heard.

I should take it down. Take it down immediately

uh-huh no one needs this from me.

You know what? I got to go, Kevin, Kelsey's

calling me hey, kels, you see my vid?

Yes, yeah, I just -- you know, I wanted to use my platform as an

artist -- I should take it down. Should take it down right now.

Yeah, but -- here's -- so I really think that this is such

an important election, and I feel like I need to do my part

as an actor to make a difference --

I'm not famous enough. Just a desperate career move

could actually mobilize his base

okay, kels, you know what? I actually got to go

hey, roomie, just wanted to say sorry about the mess in the

living room. Don't know if you saw, but -

take it down well, yeah, I know it's a little

embarrassing because I realized after I shot it that I forgot to

put a shirt on -- no one's buying that.

You heard me doing pushups before

[ doorbell ringing ] Oh, sorry, my girlfriend's here.

Hey, baby. You're not coming in

I just -- what a box of all my stuff.

Hello? Is this the guy from the

"enough is enough" video yes, I --

don't tag me for that pathetic piece of [ Bleep ] --

I - that's the saddest, weakest

thing I've ever seen I'm watching it and I'm thinking

to myself, how the [ Bleep ] did this guy even get to that age

without dying? You need to take it down

because it's pathetic and you're a loser.

It worked Jason momoa knows me

[ cheers and applause

ladies and gentlemen, Jack white

[ cheers and applause ♪

♪ ♪ when you hurt m

you hurt yoursel when you lie to me

you lying to yourself ♪ ♪ when you hurt m

you hurt yoursel don't hurt yourself ♪

♪ when you love m you love yoursel

love god herself ♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪ it's quite possible tha

I'm your third man gir but it's a fact that

I'm the seventh son ♪ ♪

♪ your third man girl but it's a fact that

I'm the seventh son ♪ ♪

♪ you don't care about me but still when the day is done ♪

♪ ♪ the noble sai

to the peopl close your public schools ♪

♪ until death passes you by you better close all your churches

too ♪ ♪ I'm done talkin

yes I'm walkin god is coming soon ♪

♪ I'm done talkin yes I'm walkin

the lord is coming soon ♪ ♪ the other peopl

just couldn't get ou ♪ I'll find a soap box to shout

it to you ♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪ the great disease

was mighty and people wer

sick everywhere ♪ ♪

♪ the great disease was mighty

and people wer sick everywhere ♪

♪ ♪ it was an epidemi

and it traveled through the air ♪

♪ ♪ let's have a ball and

a biscuit suga and take our sweet

little time about it ♪ ♪

♪ let's have a ball and take our sweet

little time about it ♪ ♪

♪ tell everybody in the place to just get ou

and we'll ge clean together ♪

♪ and I'll find me soap box where

I can shout it ♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[ Cheers and applause

it's "weekend update" with Colin jost and Michael che

[ cheers and applause thank you

thank you very much. Good evening, everyone

welcome to "weekend update. I'm Michael che.

I'm Colin jost. This week was mental illness

awareness week and trust me, we're aware.

[ Laughter ] President and active bioweapon

Donald Trump took his doctors hostage and broke out of the

hospital like Sarah Conner in "Terminator 2.

And I guess he must have been in a coma and thought the year was

2016, because he started demanding Hillary's emails and

for the feds to arrest Obama then he released a series of odd

videos from the White House which started like this.

Perhaps you recognize me, it's your favorite president

actually, I barely recognize you, because your makeup artist

seems to have given you the dolezal.

[ Laughter ] Also, why does it look like

there's a green screen behind you?

It's a little suspicious when you green screen yourself into

the place where you already are. [ Laughter ]

It looked like you're shooting a commercial for a staten island

wedding venue. Make all your romantic dreams

come true at the White House want to do a big event with no

mask the White House!

President Trump claimed to have survived the coronavirus.

Yay! I'm not going to say I'm

disappointed, but it's kind of like when there's a car crash

and the only survivor is the drunk driver

[ audience moaning ] Trump said him getting COVID

was, quote, a blessing from god.

And I bet even god was like, "hey, we tried, guys."

[ Laughter ] Actually, maybe we should be

more optimistic about this I mean, there's two ways we can

look at it either Trump's telling the truth

and we finally have a cure for COVID, or Trump is lying and

he's still going to die. [ Laughter ]

I'm not going to say that's a win-win, but it's definitely not

a lose-lose. No

I also have to say, it's amazing to watch a guy have a

near-death experience and learn nothing from it.

It's like watching someone smoke through the hole in their neck

[ laughter ] In fact, Trump is now trying to

convince Americans that COVID actually makes you stronger, and

that it made him feel better than he did 20 years ago

so he went from COVID is a hoax, to COVID will disappear one day

like a miracle, and now he's like, actually, COVID is the

miracle and it was inside of us all along.

If getting COVID is good, his supporters are in luck

this is him at a rally last week when he had corona

come on, look at him he's like an evil Oprah.

You're getting COVID, you're getting COVID, you're getting

COVID! Look under your seats, it's a

ventilator! [ Laughter ]

It's a dark show. President Trump said that a

therapeutic drug from regeneron, which is derived from stem

cells, is the cure for COVID, which seemed unlikely,

unfounded, irresponsible, and I can't wait to buy 1,000 shares

of regeneron baby juice stock. I call it baby juice

you know, it's kind of funny that these old Republicans are

so anti-abortion when it comes to everybody else, but then they

do a complete 180 as soon as stem cells can save their lives

or when I get their daughter pregnant

[ laughter ] What

what last night, President Trump

received a medical evaluation on fox news

here to give a second opinio is "weekend update's" resident

medical expert Dr. Wayne weknowdis.

Hello, doctor hello, Dr. Weknowdis

you are highly respected in your field.

Yes, weknowdis. So thank you for helping make

sense of this, because having a televised medical exam is highly

unusual. Yes

we do know dis yeah, so on fox, Trump

answered some questions from a doctor

we know dis Trump won't say if he has a

negative test yet. We don't know dis

he might technically still be contagious.

We know dis he's still so good, he said,

I may be immune. What is dis

now he's holding rallies. Who does dis?

He do dis. We hate dis.

We know dis. I'm sorry, Dr. Weknowdis.

Yes are you saying we know this

or are you saying your last name

okay, yes weknowdis in Greek it translates

to, we know this, like, we are aware of this.

Okay. Okay, yeah

I think I got it. Uh-huh.

So is there a risk of Trump infecting more people now that

he's gone back in the white house?

Okay, very complicated. How -- how can I say this so you

can get it a room have air, right

we know dis. And everybodyhave a nose, we

know dis everybody's face, it have a

hole everybody get the virus.

We know dis. Uh-huh.

We know dis. Okay, we know this, yeah.

Now Trump did say he's going to give the COVID drug he got to

everyone who needs it for free is that possible or true

no. [ Laughter ]

I thought you'd say a little more

okay all right.

[ Laughter ] Well, Trump is clearly itching

to get back on the campaign trail, and I'm wondering, now

he's planning to hold a rally in Florida on Monday.

Is it safe for him to go to Florida?

We don't know dis because he still might be

contagious no, just because Florida,

seem like a freaky place [ Laughter ]

Thank you so much for stopping by, doctor --

oh wait, no, no, no while I'm here, I have to give

you an exam. Oh, that's okay -

I've got to take your blood pressure -

that's okay, doctor I'm in amazing shape

we, we know dis going to do it anyway.

Okay, thank you blood pressure.

[ Squeaking blood pressure

[ laughter ] We don't need to do this.

♪ Nob nob nob bing bing bang bang bing bing those ♪

♪ blood pressure ♪ blood pressure

Kate. Kate

are you okay I'm obviously not

[ laughter ] [ Cheers and applause

okay, okay. What -- what is going on

I'm sorry it's such a crazy time

and this is something I started doing to cope.

I have a lot of wigs and moustaches at my disposal.

It's a nice way to escape. You know, refreshing to play a

character who -- who know dis. [ Laughter ]

Okay, sure. I mean, who will win the

election we don't know dis.

When will the pandemic end this, we don't know dis.

What will happen to the world? We do not know dis

[ speaking ] But Colin, the one thing we do

know is that -- no we don't know dis.

[ Laughter ] Well, listen.

I know it is very stressful. I know this is very hard right

now. I know a lot of people are being

very resilient about it. I know even though it doesn't

seem good, don't worry, we can figure this out, we can do this.

We can do what? We can do dis.

We know dis Dr. Weknowdis, everyone

[ cheers and applause [ Cheers and applause

orthodox Jewish leaders in New York City lashed out at a

newly imposed coronavirus restriction in their

neighborhood by setting fires and burning masks.

And it's a miracle, the masks burned for eight nights.

[ Laughter ] Come on

that's a good one, come on. Stop it, stop it.

Goldman sachs is reporting that if Joe biden wins the

election and democrats regain control of congress, the economy

will recover faster. I don't have a joke for that

I just wanted to point out that Trump's only thing he says he's

good at is the economy, and the economy itself was like, I'm

voting for biden [ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause this is the worst.

A new Halloween costume being sold this year is for sexy hand

sanitizer. Which I think is just lube

McDonald's announced that for the first time in a decade

it's adding new items to its breakfast bakery menu, including

an apple fritter, a blueberry muffin, and sin monthly rolls.

All for the low, low price of one of your feet

[ laughter ] Yankees legend whitey Ford

died this week at the age of 91. Ford reminds us of a simpler

time when you could just name your kid "whitey.

[ Laughter ] It is dark.

Sizzler restaurants have announced as a result of the

impact from COVID, they are filing for bankruptcy.

Probably a good idea, since the sizzler buffet is the closest

thing America has to a Wuhan wet market

[ audience moaning ] Oh!

Researchers in Nova Scotia have found a 50-year-old great

white shark that they are calling queen of the ocean,

because he gay as hell [ Laughter ]

Pennsylvania -- Pennsylvania police arrested a man who tried

to rent a horse online so that he and his wife could have sex

with the animal. But the man had no idea that the

whole time he was actually chatting with a police horse

[ laughter ] Thank you, thank you

thank you, thank you over the summer, Harry Potter

author J.K. Rowling was accused of transphobia for comparing

transgender hormone therapy to forced gay conversion.

With more on this, it's Pete Davidson

yay thanks, Colin.

I -- I just learned it's mental illness awareness week, so I

wanted to make everyone aware. We out here and we crazy

go, giants season's not over.

Season starts tomorrow this is the giants' year,

everybody says it. So what do you think about the

J.K. Rowling controversy I think I'm never getting

another tattoo for the rest of my life.

Don't get tattoos. I got a Harry Potter tattoo

years ago, because I'm not psychic.

I didn't know J.K. Rowling was going to go all Mel Gibson on

us [ Laughter ]

I have a "game of thrones" tattoo, and now I'm terrified

one day George r.R. Martin is going to be like, hey, if you

enjoyed what I had to say about dragons and dire wolves, wait

till you hear what I think about puerto ricans!

[ Laughter ] Also, I have a winnie-the-pooh

tattoo, am I gonna have to find out he was diddling piglet the

whole time this is madness!

It's crazy times we live in! It's not fair.

How did you feel when you first heard that rowling said

something transphobic? It really hurt, because I

have a close connection to those movies

I look like Dobby the house elf if he became a tiktok rapper

[ laughter ] That wasn't very nice.

It is scarily accurate the only difference between me

and Dobby is I'm a real person and his movies get released in

theaters [ Laughter ]

Oh, yeah. All right.

So you found what J.K. Rowling said disappointing

very disappointing, yeah I long for a few years ago where

the worst thing she ever did was the "fantastic beasts" movies.

There's no discrimination there, those films harmed us equally.

I mean, what's wrong with her? She creates a seven-book fantasy

series about all types of mythical creatures living in

Harmony with wizards and elves and the one thing she can't wrap

her head around is Laverne Cox she's a national treasure!

Did you find what j.K. Said surprising, then

yeah, at first. Then I started thinking about

the fantastical world she created.

The woods are controlled by centaurs

the schools are run by wizards and ghosts

who controls the banks Jews, obviously!

Little giant-nosed Jew goblins I can say that, because as you

can see, I'm half goblin [ Laughter ]

Come on, if this isn't a Jews run the banks reference, why do

they all look exactly like Alan Dershowitz

[ laughter ] You've been dersh'd, dersh

yeah, no -- so Pete, will you stop reading the books

I never read any of the books, and I saw part of

"Azkaban" on the plane once. Pete Davidson, everyone

for "weekend update" I'm Colin jost

I'm Michael che

Before we get down to business, how about a welcome

home after 20 years in the joint, Don pauly

salud! Salud

I look around this room, I see what used to be the most

ruthless, powerful crime family in the city.

Damn right! Shut up

I said used to be. Because that sure as hell ain't

what it is now what happened to this gang

we used to own this city I go away 20 years, all of a

sudden now there's frigging Mexicans controlling the

neighborhood um -- okay.

What, what'd I say? I say something wrong?

No disrespect, Don pauly, we all get your point

I just think it's a little weird you made it so, I don't know -

racial yes, thank you, one person.

What do you mean? Racial

vinny? The diablos control the drugs in

this neighborhood, do they not they do

they do. Okay.

Last I checked, the diablos are frigging Mexicans, are they not?

And he's doubling down, great.

Woof! Joe, you got a problem with

what I'm saying? We're losing money over here

we understand your point, Don pauly.

With all due respect, your choice of words to some people

may seem, I don't know, outdated

my choice of words? Is this a joke

huh? Is there a hidden video around

is Jimmy Kennedy somewhere around to film me?

Jamie Kennedy who's Jamie Kennedy?

Jamie Kennedy the king of the pranks

he does the TV show. He pranks people

oh, you mean Ashton kutcher no, kutcher was "punk'd.

Look, just forget it, forget it

all right? Am I losing my freaking mind

here Nicky the nose, you'd tell me if

I was going nuts, right, you'd tell me.

Hey, Don pauly. You know I don't mean no

disrespect to you. But I just go by Nicky now

what? You've been Nicky the nose since

we were kids yeah, we don't give people

nicknames based on their physical appearances anymore

that's called shaming. And it don't feel too great

sometimes. Yeah, see, Don pauly, your

words have, I don't know, power. Yes, thank you.

I can't believe my frigging ears

I mean, are we still gangsters we still in the frigging mob

over here? Of course we are, Don pauly,

but a lot's changed in the past 20 years.

No kidding. This gang didn't used to be

filled with a bunch of queers. Oh!

Whoa! Easy!

Easy, Don pauly no disrespect, but as someone

who identifies as queer, I take a little exception to that

last comment of yours. What?

So if you don't mind, I think I'm going to take a mental

health day, and I'm going to work from home now.

Of course, Johnny, god bless. Salud!

Salud whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell was that all about?

Don pauly, you got to understand

Johnny is -- sensitive sensitive

he's a frigging murderer. Hey, "they're" a frigging

murderer what happened to you people,

huh? Whoa, whoa.

You people with all due respect, Don pauly,

what do you mean by you people I didn't mean it like that, I

just meant everybody in general. Wait a minute.

Who's the black chick? [ Laughter ]

Um -- the woman of color you're referring to is Gladys.

She's our capo of this gang?

How the hell did that happen we got slammed pretty hard on

Twitter for our lack of diversity.

You remember the hashtag, #mafiasolite

you've got to be frigging kidding me

Don pauly, with all due respect, representation is very

important, even in crime besides, I'm more capable and

dangerous than any cis black or white male gangster here

oh, really? Okay

all right. Then shoot vinny

with all due respect, Don pauly, that's not how --

oh! Whoa!

Whoa, get over here, that's what I'm talking about, all

right! Let me officially welcome you to

the -- hey

did this guy just frickin' try to kiss me

whoa, without consent in a pandemic

whoa! [ Cheers and applause

Sam Adams has brewed signature beers in the heart of

Boston since 1984. Who better to check out our

Jack-o-pumpkin Boston ale than real bostonians?

It's got that great Sam Adams taste, but the pumpkin flavor

kicked it up a notch. I love Sam Adams, but this

might even be better Jesus Christ!

What the [ Bleep ] is that [ Laughter ]

Okay. This is the perfect beer for

sweater weather. All right

let's try this for real. I don't like that.

I'm not really a beer drinker, but this might change

that this is the kind of beer

somebody brings to a party at your house, and then it just

like sits in the fridge for like eight months

then one day your buddy comes over, hey, you got a beer?

I'm like, well, I got this pumpkin [ Bleep ].

Drink it, you know, it gets you a buzz -

come on I'm coming!

You've been sitting there for half an hour enjoying myself -

you know, you're just like your mother

oh, there you go you guys should sell this

year round, seriously -- just grabbing one more.

Oh, watch it, my bad getting old is hard.

I can definitely taste the hops

Reese's puffs what are you, gay?

Get some stop & shop corn flakes in the welfare bag

what is that look? Going to take a swing at me?

Is today the day today is the day you take a

swing at your old man? Are you a new man now?

I didn't think so! Get off me!

Get off of me! Get off me

[ bleep ] Sam Adams Jack-o-pumpkin ale.

Real bostonians agree, it's -- kind of sweet and [ Bleep ],

but you know, th

Once again, Jack white ♪

♪ my veins are blue and connecte

and every single bon in my brain is electric ♪

♪ but I dig ditches lik the best of 'e

yo trabajo dur como en madera y eso ♪

♪ ♪ como en madera y es

and even god herself has fewer plans than m

but she never helps ♪ ♪ me out with my scam

for free thoug she grabs a stick an

then she pokes it at me ♪ ♪ when I say nothin

I say everything when I say nothing

I say everything ♪ ♪ they put me dow

in a lazaretto born rotte

bored rotten ♪ ♪ making models of people

I used to know out of coffee and cotton

and all of my illegitimate ♪ ♪ kids have begotte

thrown down to the wolve made feral for nothing

quarantined on the ♪ ♪ Isle of Man

and I'm trying to escape any way that I can oh ♪

♪ ♪ I have no time left

time is lost no time at all

♪ I shake god's han I jump up and let he

know when I can ♪ ♪ this is how

I'm gonna do it ♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪ they wanna blow

down the priso they're lighting fires

with the cash ♪ ♪ of the masses

and like the dough I don't fall down ♪

♪ I'm so Detroit I make I rise from the ashes ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ [ Cheers and applause

Jack white - [ Cheers and applause

Maya Rudolph, Jim carrey, the entire cast.

I had the best time. Eddie Van halen, rest in peace

the cast, the band, I had the best time.

Thank you so much, everybody goodnight!

[ Cheers and applause ♪

♪