All language subtitles for Dick.Night.2011.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

- What the fuck?

Fuck!

Get the fuck off me!

Oh no!

No

Get, get off me!

- Help me!

- Remember to put the
plastic bag on her cast.

- Mom?

- Hi, honey.

- Mom, this isn't funny.

- This is an intervention, honey.

It's not supposed to be fun.

- Jesus Christ, I'm not a heroin addict!

Fuck!

♪ Se habla heartache ♪

♪ No habla fair shake ♪

♪ If you comprende bad breaks ♪

♪ You know what I'm speaking of ♪

♪ Se habla heartache ♪

♪ And I got a bad case ♪

♪ Se habla heartache ♪

♪ No habla love ♪

♪ I first saw her in the sinking sun ♪

♪ South of the border down there ♪

♪ Fredo's is lovely when tequila flows ♪

♪ I saw the rose in her hair ♪

♪ I pulled her out of a barroom brawl ♪

♪ I never expected a kiss ♪

♪ But her way of thanking me ♪

♪ Captured my heart you see ♪

♪ And left me longing like this ♪

♪ Se habla heartache ♪

♪ No habla fair shake ♪

♪ If you comprende bad breaks ♪

♪ You know what I'm speaking of ♪

♪ Se habla heartache ♪

♪ And I've got a bad case ♪

♪ Se habla heartache ♪

♪ No habla love ♪

- You're a real slob.

- Look at how you are living.

I mean, I just can't even believe this.

Honey, we gave you

this beautiful model home.

Everything was perfect.

Look at this place.

Oh my god, it's unbelievable.

What do you do out here with
no TV or internet or anything?

- I eat pizza.

- I thought that you weren't
even leaving the house.

- It's delivery.

- Your phone doesn't work.

- I just take a hike up pizza mountain.

- Huh?

Pizza mountain,
it's the only place

my phone works.

- Are you going out there at night?

I don't want you going out there alone.

Those skater kids were
messing around in the desert

and when I came in,

they were probably
doing meth or something,

I don't know, probably cooking it.

If you had a TV, you'd know

exactly what I was talking about.

Kids are cooking it all
over the place, they are.

And there's that

weird trailer out there.

I hate skaters.

I called the phone company
and they are coming out

on Monday to set up a landline.

You said you were gonna unpack

a little bit the other week.

- Yeah, I lied.

- It's been two months.

If you're not gonna take responsibility

to send these back, they
I'm gonna do it for you

and I know you're not gonna like that.

At least you're getting

your mail.

- She is a bad influence, I know.

- Well, she's not totally off you know.

You need to get back out there

and realize that you're
still a very attractive girl,

one many men will find attractive

and will want to do stuff with.

To, to marry.

Oh geez, I gotta get these guys back.

Your mom really
threw you into the pool?

That's impressive.

- Don't you have papers
to grade or something?

- Yeah, but I'm also your
ride to the hospital.

- Oh, my chauffeur.

Nice.

- I'm also supposed to
look around and report back

on any hard drug usage.

Hello.

I've always liked your friend Louise.

She's got her head on straight.

- You mean you always wished
you could fondle her big tits.

- Mm.

Sucked her big tits.

She's right. It's just common
knowledge, the rebound thing.

It's like heartbreak
101 kinda stuff.

It's like your hymen is sealed up

and it needs to be broken again.

The heartbreak hymen.

- You know, just because your wife

has refused to sleep with
you for like eight months

doesn't mean that you get to live out

your sexual fantasies through me.

- All right, first off,

I can't live my sexual
fantasies out through you

because I don't have a vagina.

Secondly, I...

I don't know what secondly was.

- Okay, so can you just
get the hell out of here

so I can go back to being
depressed and stuff?

- No, I'm not gonna have
you mope around like this.

I know you don't wanna hear this

but when you're ready
to get back out there,

you're gonna find the right guy

who actually cares about you.

I mean, that asshole wasn't the right one.

And the sooner you go about
looking for the right one,

the sooner you're gonna get over him.

You're really great, you know.

Well, I've known you since
like second grade, all right,

so I should know.

Oh, moving back to this
shitty hometown of ours

won't be so bad, you'll see.

- Oh, how nostalgic.

Now get the fuck out of here already.

All right, fine,
but you gotta promise

to do something for me, okay?

- I will go to the hospital.

I can't wait to get this thing off.

It fucking itches.

- Yeah, yeah, I know,
you can drive yourself.

But I'm not getting in worse with your mom

than I already am so you better swing by

and show me that castless arm

or else I'm gonna come back out here.

And that's not what I was
talking about anyways,

the rebound thing.

- The rebound thing?

- You've got options.

You just gotta think 'em out.

All right, I'll think on it.

Just watch out for those
crazy meth skaters.

What the fuck.

Methheads.

- Nice car, bitch.

Carpet muncher.

Fuck you!

- Skank
- Fucking bitch.

- Fuck you.
- Whore! Suck my jones!

- Fucking punks.

- We know where you live.

- Well, I mean, we had to take out

one of those highfalutin loans
to get it in the first place

and then everything went down

and it put us in something
of an embarrassing situation

because we've got most
of our money tied up

in that vacation home and-

- And you can't cover the mortgage.

Right.

- So a roommate.

- Disco.

It won't be so bad for your mental state

to have another person around anyway.

- So can it come off?

- I don't know.

Still a little tender.

- Come on, Dad.

- I'm not sure if you're fully healed yet.

The worst thing that could
happen is we take it off

and you go back out there
and crack it in two again.

- So you have to see
him a lot here at work?

- More than I'd like to

but it's a big hospital.

I've been able to schedule
him mostly night shifts.

Everybody hates those.

He's not on till later.

Mom told you that, right?

You don't have to worry
about running into him

or anything like that.

- She told me.

- Not that it has to happen
today or even tomorrow,

but maybe it wouldn't be so
bad if you did run into him.

You haven't even spoken to each other.

Maybe it might bring you some closure.

- And maybe it would
make me feel like shit.

- Probably that too.

- So?

- So here's what we've got.

I'll take the cast off.

- Good.

- But you gotta do something for me.

There's someone in this hospital

that needs a place to live in right away.

And I'm like I know a great place.

- Great place?

- I may not have gotten
into all the details,

location, et cetera, but some people

place a very high value on a clean house

with new appliances, you know.

Dr. Lewis.

Should be in the lounge
if I'm not mistaken.

You go.

I take off the cast.

- Isn't this like a violation
of the Hippocratic Oath?

- Yeah.

- Uh, excuse me.

Are you Dr. Lewis?

- No.

That way.

- Thanks.

Hello.

Dr. Lewis?

- All the clamps are accounted for, sir.

Look, I'm ready.

What?

- I have that room for rent.

- Coffee.

Oh

So you got a room for rent, huh?

- Apparently.

- Fantastic.

Can I move in today?

- You homeless or something?

Wait, there's not gonna be

a credit check, is there?

Dr.
Davis, telephone please.

- What kinda doctor has such a hard time

finding a place to live?

I have very refined tastes

that are difficult to satisfy.

- Okay, I can see that
this isn't gonna work out

so good luck with

your doctoring or whatever.
- No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait,

no more joking around, okay?

Look, look, wait.

I really need this room, all right?

And here's the deal.

My girlfriend was supposed
to move out here with me

when I started this fellowship program

and she bailed on me at the last minute.

And the apartment was in her name, okay?

So she kinda fucked me over.

Both in the mental health department

and the basic
roof-over-the-head department.

'Cause I have not been great
paying back all these loans

and so my credit is shit,
I mean, like really shit,

like I can't even get in the
door to see an apartment.

And I'm not getting any sleep

and I can't stop thinking about her.

That's so pathetic.

And I'm haggard and I
am probably going to be

the cause of a few deaths in
a very short amount of time.

You don't want that on your hands, do you?

It will get better with time.

- You'll find someone else, you'll see.

- It was meant to be.

- There are many fish in the sea.

- We all thought she
was a real cunt anyways.

- Right.

- Did you see Dr. Andrews in the lounge?

God, I'm so hot for her.

That girl in the lounge,
Laura, sorta hot one?

- Yeah, maybe.

- Fuck, I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna stick my penis inside that woman

and I'm gonna get over
this heartbreak bullshit.

That is the spirit.

- The only problem is I
think she's with Mark.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, I don't know if
anything's actually happened, I...

- Probably help me get over it.

I'm sure it's for the best

just like everybody always says.

- Exactly.

Okay, all right.

Feel a little better.

Got a plan, sun out from the clouds.

So now we gotta find a
dude to put his penis

inside of you.

No.

I'm just gonna wait and see
how this experiment goes

on your end.

- No, no, no, no, no.

We are in this together, roomie.

We are like a heartbreak
getting over team here.

Okay, who's on the slate?

What do we got to work with?

- No one.

Wrong.

- Like, the only guy I
even know here anymore

is my friend Kyle.

- Perfect.

Ask him to do you as a favor,

like that's what friends do.

- He's married, plus, no, no way.

- Okay, all right, well
take him off the list,

but to be revisited later potentially.

Next.

- There's no next.

Like the only people I've even talked to

in the last two months are Kyle, my mom,

my dad, and like the pizza delivery guy.

- Is he good-looking?

- My dad?

Pizza guy.

Come on.

- Look, you gotta open your mind here

to the possibilities, okay,

if you want to rehabilitate.

- Uh, what time is it?

- 5:15.

- Shit. Gotta go.

- Wait, no, no, no, we
need to take room rental.

- Just come over tomorrow.

- But not tonight?

- Look, I can't even think
about this right now.

'Cause there are boxes everywhere

and I haven't even really thought

this whole roommate thing through yet.

I'm sorry.

Sure, sure.

What's one more night sleeping in a bunk

but not sleeping at all?

Awesome.

- I'm really sorry.

- I hope you've thought of some guy

to heartbreak fuck you tonight

and you need the place to yourself.

- Exactly.

Good luck on your end.

- To fucking.

Fucking.

♪ Well, I'm tempted by the sound ♪

♪ Of sleeping soldiers now ♪

♪ Yeah, the cars out on the street ♪

♪ Oh well, they never screamed so loud ♪

♪ Them voices in my head ♪

♪ Well, they whisper true and proud ♪

♪ And something that they've said ♪

♪ Has got a whole new meaning now ♪

♪ I'm singing glory hallelujah ♪

♪ Now, that pain it'll
shoot right through ya ♪

♪ And it sure was fine and knew ya ♪

♪ But I'm long gone gone ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm gone ♪

♪ And lord I'm feelin' fine ♪

- Wow, twice in one
day. That's impressive.

- Uh, how 'bout tonight?

I did it.

- What?

- Well, I haven't done it yet but tonight.

What are you talking about?

- Dr. Andrews is what I'm talking about.

Me, her, tonight.

A date.

A date.

- Oh really?

- Yeah.

Why, what are you doing there?

- I got home and I realized

that it was just stupid that
you don't come over tonight

and I got really flustered

and when I thought that
I might run into Mark

and I ran out of here and that was stupid.

- Oh, well, I mean, can
I come over tomorrow?

'Cause tonight,

pussy.

Hopefully I won't be
staying at my place tonight.

Because of the sex with Dr. Andrews,

that sorta hot girl you met in the lounge.

- Yes, I remember her.

Well, I've got these other people

that are interested in the room

and I was just gonna give you

the first crack at it

just 'cause I thought that

that was what I should do.
- Other people?

Yeah.

- Really?

Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You guys work together.

You're gonna have plenty of
chances to bang her, okay?

Probably do it in the
cancer ward tomorrow.

- Yeah.

You're probably right.

Oh shit.

All right. I'll be there.

I'm on call for another couple hours.

Nine okay?

- Nine is great.

This is, here's my address.

- All right, shit!

Okay, okay, I'll see you then.

- Okay.

- He's around back.

You can just go straight through.

- Oh, okay, thanks.

- Finally came out of the house, huh?

- Yeah, that I did.

- So I guess we'll be seeing
a lot more of you then?

- Maybe.

- Great.

- She's really warming up to me.

- Well, you know, male-female friendships

kinda tricky for the significant other.

The line between friends, attraction-

- You're not gonna
believe it but I did it.

- Finally got your cast off.

I'm very proud of you.

- No, it, I did it.

I mean, I'm gonna do it.

The rebound thing.

- The rebound thing?

- Yeah, it's just like
getting back out there

and seeing that guys
still find me attractive.

I think you were right.

- Well, yeah.

- I just opened my eyes.

I could see that there are some options

right in front of me.

- So, uh, what's the next step?

- Tonight.

- Tonight?

- Yeah, tonight.

Tonight is the night.

Sex tonight.

Yeah, I
guess tonight could work.

- Yeah, it could work.

I mean, I invited this guy over tonight

and I'm gonna, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna have sex with him.

- Uh, a guy?

- Oh, my dad set me up.

- Oh.

Like a family friend kind of thing.

- No, it's like some
guy from the hospital.

- Wait, what guy from the,
what are you talking about?

- He set me up with
this potential roommate

who turned out to be a guy and
like reasonably attractive.

And I mean I guess that's not really,

probably not a requirement
in this kind of thing

but you know.

- Do you even know this guy?

- No, I just told you.

My dad just introduced us.

He's like a doctor.

He's in Mark's fellowship program.

- Oh, great, so it's like
a revenge fuck thing.

It's actually,
he's kinda creepy.

- What?

- Like in a cute way creepy.

Not in a overly scary way.

He's like kind of odd.

- That's not, that's not a thing,

creepy in a cute way, or
cute in a creepy, that...

You're just making shit up, come on!

- What is your problem?

- My problem?

I can't believe

that you are going to
bring in a total stranger

from, and seduce him out in
the middle of the desert?

- This was your idea.

- Ah, no, no, this is not my idea.

- Uh, yeah, it was.

- This is mm-

- I don't know anybody here.

So what, it's gonna be a stranger.

- You don't...

You don't.

- It's your advice.

- You sure you're ready for this?

I mean, it's a big step,

doing it with somebody new.

- No, no, I'm not ready.

- Thank you.

- I mean, I gotta go.

I gotta like clean my house.

I gotta buy makeup.

I gotta buy condoms.

Oh, I have to buy condoms.

I gotta go!

See ya later. Bye.

That was perfectly good pizza.

Hello.

- Hey, Manuel,

it's Rachel.
- You have reached

Mario's pizza, Tucson's
only 24-hour pizza delivery.

We're on the other line
or away from the phone.

Please leave a message and
we'll return it to you.

- Hello?

Yeah, Rachel?

- Oh, hey, Manuel.

Did you just try calling?

I was on the line and heard the clicking,

that clicking that
happens when somebody else

is on the line.

- Yeah, that was me clicking.

Oh shit, sorry about that.

I was on the phone with my girlfriend.

- You were? What's happening?

Did you apologize to her?

Yeah, sort of.

- Manuel, we talked about this.

Oh, it's just so hard

to do that.

- No, but if you want her back,

you will have to tough it out.

Right, right, I gotta go.

That's my baby, I gotta go.

I gotta call her back,

I gotta get my baby back.
- Yeah, that's a great idea

but before you go, can I place an order?

Oh yeah, yeah, if course,

The regular?

- Yeah, the regular.

♪ Well, I don't wanna fuck you ♪

♪ But I got to ♪

♪ Well, I don't wanna fuck you ♪

♪ But I got to ♪

♪ You talked your way
into the keys to my ride ♪

♪ You told me I could stay the night ♪

♪ You kissed me and you
turned out the light ♪

♪ I'm hoping it'll be all right ♪

♪ But I don't wanna fuck you ♪

♪ But I got to ♪

- Man, I got really lost.

At first, I was over there

and then I was way over there.

None of these roads have signs.

Why, you look really
dressed up.

Got a hot date coming over, huh?

Oh, I bet you thought I was him, huh?

Oh, that's funny.

- Where is Ronny?

Huh?

- The normal delivery guy, Ronny.

- Oh yeah, Manny said you're
like one of our best customers.

And you're really far out here.

You live here alone?

- No, my husband...

Oh sure.

Isn't this where all the methheads live?

- Where is Ronny?

Ronny?

- The normal delivery guy Ronny.

I've seen him like every
day for the last two months.

- Oh, Ronny, yeah Ronny.

Yeah, the guy that I replaced.

Yeah, he got arrested this morning.

- What?

- Yeah, it turns out

he's like a molester of women

or children or something.

Oh man.

He was coming here like every day

and you didn't even know.

You guys are probably
like friends or something.

People, man, people.

Oh cool.

Yeah, it's crazy how
things work out, right?

Like one minute this guy
Ronny's getting pegged

as a pederast and the next thing you know

my friend's calling me up and he's like,

"Hey, there's this job
and they need somebody

like right away," right?

And it's weird because
people are always telling me

like I seem like the type of person

who would be a pizza delivery guy

so I figured it's just fate, right?

Keep the change.

Thanks, radical.

So...

- Yes?

- You really got a room for rent?

- Oh, uh, yeah, kind of.

You know what, I hadn't
really thought it through

and I kinda put that sign out there

a little prematurely, you know.

- Oh cool.

You know 'cause I'm
actually looking for a place

of my own now, you know,
that I got a job and stuff

and I can finally move out of
my parents' place and stuff.

Can I take a look?

- It's kind of expensive, so...

And there is gonna be like a credit check

and all kind of stuff.
- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

- I should take a look anyway, you know,

just to get an idea of the market

and I'm gonna be making
a lot in tips, too,

you know so...

- I don't know.

- Hey, come on.

Look at me. I'm harmless.

Look, I tell you what, hang on.

Here.

9-1-1.

I do anything weird, just hit send.

- You get reception out here?

- Yeah, of course.

You don't?

- No.

- Well, how are you ordering
pizzas all the time?

- I have to climb up that hill over there.

It's the only place I get a signal.

- Whoa!

That's like your pizza mountain.

Dude, you gotta get a
new service provider.

So, who's this guy
coming over tonight, huh?

First date, lover returning from abroad,

Craigslist casual encounter?

- Actually, it's just someone else

coming to look at the room.

- Is that what you're supposed to do

when you're renting a place?

You know, get all dressed up like that?

Is that like the standard?

I'm just asking 'cause, you
know, this is my first foray

into the rental world.

- I don't know.

I actually, I haven't done this before.

- Hey, can I use the head?

- What?

- Le pissoir, rhino
king, porcelain throne?

- Yeah, it's just down the hall.

- Sweet.

Oh man.

- I see you found the room.

- Okay, this is cool.

Okay, are these presents like an incentive

for moving in or something?

I think this one's a blender.

Yeah, maybe.

- Oh, you changed.

- I like this look more.

It's kinda like girl next door, you know.

- See, if you answer the door like that,

you'd totally get the guy.

If the guy were like me.

- Maybe.

- So are these all like wedding presents

and you got left at the altar
or something.

Oh, what if the house was like
a wedding present?

That would be fucked.

Holy shit.

Holy shit!

- How hard could it be to get laid?

- Not that hard, I suppose.

- I get it, I get it.

I mean, you wanna make
sure it's a nice guy.

You know, somebody with a clean cock,

somebody who maybe smells really nice.

Maybe a little good-looking, little sexy,

to make sure you get
horny-toaded a little bit, huh?

Somebody who likes you but
doesn't like you too much.

You know, they're not
gonna like get attached

or fall in love or anything like that.

You still think he's coming?

- Yeah.

No.

No, he is really late.

He is not coming.

- Don't you have like some other guys

you can call like booty call type guys

to help you out with this sort of thing?

Oh, oh shit, what'd I say?

I'm sorry.

It's all right.
- No, no, no, no, no,

it's not you.

Like I just like, it's all
hitting me at once, you know,

like what I gotta do, you know.

- Okay.

Shh, wait, uh...

I got some weed in my car.

I think it might help you relax, you know.

- Okay, I guess that could work.

- Cool, okay.

- No, no, actually, no, just, just,

just like just stay here,
here with me for a minute.

- Okay, yeah.

Actually I got the weed right here.

I just didn't want you to think

I was a pothead or something.

- Oh, um...

Okay, let's do it.

- Cool, right here.

Oh, let's see.

Oh yeah.

That's good.

Here.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

You don't smoke much, do you?

- And that's gonna get me
like really high, right?

- Actually I think it just
came straight out of you.

- Oh really?
- Why, were you

looking to get really high?

- There was this thing

that I was gonna do tonight, you know.

And I just had made it up in my mind

that it was a good thing.

And it might sound really stupid to you

but I was just gonna do it.

And I thought that maybe if
I was like a little high-

- It might be easier to do with me.

- Yeah.

- Oh, okay.

Cool.

You sure you don't have
some other guys you can call

or anything like that.

- No, what, don't you like the idea

of having sex with me?

- Wait, now look.

If I do this, we could
put it behind us, right?

'Cause I'm really digging the room

and I don't wanna sabotage
my chances, you know.

I would be performing a service,

a broken heart removal service,

performed with my penis.

- I think that I can put it behind me.

- Dig it.

How do you like it?

- What?

- The sex.

Doggie, missionary, kinda boring.

Reverse cowgirl?

I'll try and keep my stamina up

to make it really good.

- Okay, I was thinking

that we could just like get it started

and see where it goes.

- Cool.

Um, let's do some making out first.

All right.

- What was that?

- Uh, the doorbell.

- Duh, are you expecting somebody?

- Yeah, the guy who was
supposed to be doing

what you were about to do.

- So I don't get to do it now?

I was kinda getting into it.

Well, look, I tell you what.

You can still open the door

and change your mind.

Like you can make like a quick comparison

between the two of us and then
like make a snap decision.

- Deal.

- All right, okay.

- Okay, first of all,

who doesn't put signs
on the streets, okay?

Secondly, do you know

there's weirdos running
around on the road?

- Skaters.

- Skaters?

- Yeah, we've got an infestation.

Uh, come on in.

- Hey.

- What's up?

- This is...

- Paul.

Paul.

Paul, this is Dr. Lewis.

- A doctor?

Oh shit, man, I thought I had a chance.

Dammit!

You know what?

I'm just gonna go ahead
and concede right now.

- Whoa, you really did have
other people coming over.

I thought you were lying.

- Don't worry about it, okay?

You're gonna love it.

I mean, it's really nice and...

Really pretty.

And cool.

- Uh, bye, Paul.

I'll let you know.

- Yeah, no problem.

- Wanna see the room?

- That was a pizza guy, wasn't it.

- Yeah, I ordered some pizza

and he was interested in seeing the room.

- Holy shit, you were
gonna fuck the pizza guy.

No.

- Did I interrupt it?

Well, did you close the deal?

Shit. I should leave.

He's probably still out there.

I'll go get him.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

What are you talking about?

No.

- Like, if you need to nail the guy,

I can wait out in the car or
another room or something.

This is incredible.

I did not know you had this in you.

I am very impressed.

- So the room.

- Blender.

- You could be right.

- How long has it been?

Two months.

- Well, you know, you should
probably send these back.

So rude.

It's etiquette, you know.

- Actually, I know that you're
supposed to send them back.

I'm not a fucking idiot.

Gonna send them back.

I just don't wanna send them back yet.

- I mean, you don't really think

that Mark is gonna come back

and you're gonna live happily ever after

and you're gonna open these gifts

as husband and wife, do you?

I mean, the man left you at
the altar, for god sakes.

Hello.

Should not have let the pizza guy go.

You're more fucked up than I thought.

Oh, Jesus Christ, okay.

I just don't wanna deal with it right now.

Maybe I don't wanna move on

because I don't know
what I'm moving on to.

Like not even some fucking lonely old lady

without a man, like cat lady person.

I mean...

- Bed's a little lumpy.

I mean, you're literally
alone out here for miles.

Yeah?

Don't you ever
get scared out here all alone?

- No, I guess I've just had
other things on my mind.

- There's no weird noises or anything?

Like branches scratching
the windows kind of a deal?

'Cause I really don't
think I could handle that.

I would totally believe
someone if they told me

that you were killed out here

in some really horrific way.

- I have a confession to make.

- Okay.

I decided
that you would actually be

like a really, a really
good person to do that...

to like to do me with their penis thing.

- Oh.

But you're not thinking about that now.

It's just about the room, right?

- Well, um, actually-

- 'Cause that would be really awkward.

You know, with Mark at work,

but me living here, having seen you naked,

maybe even had my penis inside your mouth.

Or I mean just, or just
vaginal intercourse

if a blowjob isn't in the equation.

I mean, not that the equation
is even on the table here

is what I'm saying.

I mean, that'd be kinda weird, right?

- Yeah, yeah, I guess it would be weird.

- Yeah, I mean...

Probably for the best, right?

- You know what? No.

No, I mean, it wouldn't be for the best.

I mean, I have been just sulking out here

for two months now and I
finally have a way in my head

to get over all of this.

And, I mean, yeah, like, I
mean, it's pretty radical

but we talked about it and it makes sense

just like having a plan.

And I wanna make good on it.

I just, I really think
that this could work.

I mean, and yeah, yeah, you
can move in here with me

into my den of misery and depression

'cause I guarantee you
that's what it'll be.

And you thought that
it was a lack of sleep

that was gonna get you

into some kind of like malpractice
suit with the hospital.

Well, you are wrong, my friend.

Moving in here with me, the two of us

just like stewing in our
misery, just amplifying it

to like ungodly levels
that's gonna kill off

some poor innocent at the hospital

just because neither of us
can actually go out there

and fuck someone else
to get over this thing.

And you know what?

Mark is fucking your special Dr. Andrews.

I hate to break it to you,
but I saw them flirting today.

It's kinda what started
this whole thing anyway.

You know what?

Maybe us sleeping together
and you moving in here

is like a really terrible idea.

And, in fact, you know
I couldn't even do that.

So I put it to you.

What's more important to you?

Having a roof over your head

or just getting over that
fucking bitch for good?

- Okay.

It's a little dark in here.

You have kids?

No, it's
a model home remember.

- Right.

Are you sure you wanna just, you know,

jump right to it?

- I mean, yeah, I think
that would be best,

just like do it.

- Yeah?

Hmm.

I was maybe thinking we could kind of

build up to it.

That's what I'm thinking now.

Just feeling a little out of it.

Like some awkwardness.

Kind of worried about my performance here.

- Oh, so like maybe some foreplay?

- Yeah, foreplay.

Look at you there.

Uh, some talking maybe.

Maybe a combination of the two.

You know, just something to get us

a little more comfortable with each other.

- We are still having sex tonight though?

- Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

Still into the intercourse.

Just, you know,

maybe something to build it up a little.

I mean, build it up
tonight is what I mean.

- But won't, actually won't
my taking my clothes off

just like to the trick?

I mean, like send it up.

- I mean, it could, it could.

It's just that I don't
wanna get to that moment

and it's like mm mm, not happening

'cause that would be devastating

to my ego and I don't think
I would be able to recover.

So I think it might be better to have

a sure thing heading in.

Into your-

- Oh yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Uh...

I mean maybe some role play?

- How's that?

- Getting there, definitely getting there.

Okay, for the next one-

- Oh Jesus.

I'm good, I'm good.

- I got a few different kinds.

- Yep.

- Oh I even got these really large ones.

- Mm mm.

- Not that I have any
expectations because I don't.

But that doesn't mean
that I don't wanna do this

or that I'm not into it because I am.

I mean even just like the act itself.

So if at any point you feel

that I'm out of it or that I'm just

not really like in tune with everything,

just know that I'm really into it.

- Sounds good.

- Okay, let's do this.

- Just average.

Well, below average.

No, average, I'm average.

- Actually, just do this right here.

What the-

- What?

What did I do? Did I do something wrong?

- No, no, no, I just saw
somebody walk by the window.

What?

- We were like going at
it and I just saw somebody

walk by the window.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, I mean, my mind
was occupied with things

but something definitely went by the-

- Are you fucking around?

No more role playing,
all right, it's done.

- No.

- Well, maybe it was a bird
or something, I don't know.

- I don't know what I saw, but
I definitely saw something.

- Oh, what?

What the fuck?

What the fuck was that?

- What are you doing?

- I'm calling the cops.

Your phone works out here?

- No.

Where's yours?

- It doesn't work.

You have a landline?

- Monday.

- Fuck!

Stop! Stop it!

Ah fuck!

- Kyle?

- Jesus, that guy was trying to kill me.

- Kyle, what the fuck are you doing here?

- Well, being beaten to death, apparently.

What are you doing here?

- Are you okay?

- What are you doing here?

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

- I heard screaming.

- Jesus Christ, I said I was fine.

- Then why were you screaming then?

- It was just a little light role playing.

Okay.

What? Are you into that kinda thing?

- What the fuck are you doing here?

- I didn't like the idea
of this guy coming here

from out of the blue to fuck you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, "this guy"?

Is that me you're talking about?

'Cause I don't like the way that sounds.

- No you, this guy, you,

I don't that.
- You don't even know me.

- Exactly.

Look, I heard screaming.

I did the right thing.

- If you were just driving by,

how did you hear screaming?

- I had the windows open.

- Oh, you could hear
that over the car engine.

- It was a large scream.

Oh fine, I got out for a second

just to take a look.

- Jesus, how long have you
been spying on us, you pervert?

- I had just gotten here.

Do not make such a big deal out of this.

I was doing this to look out for you.

- Look, who is this guy?

- He's that friend I
was telling you about,

the married one.

- Jesus Christ! Now I know
why you don't wanna fuck him.

- Hey, watch it, buddy.

Don't cross that line with me.

- Just cut it out.

Will you please just get out of here?

- No, look, I am not leaving.

I don't even trust

what's going on here.
- Just get the fuck

out of here.

- What, ah, what, so you can
just go back to fucking him?

That's it, that's how it's gonna go?

- Yes, exactly how.

- I can't believe you are doing this.

So what? You're just gonna
go back to fucking this guy?

- Fucking who?

Oh mother fucker!

- Go. Come on.

- Hey, you deserve...

Hey, hey, don't let this guy in here.

He's here for closure sex, okay?

I'd rather you just go in
and finish what you started

with that other guy if you
have to get laid tonight.

- What other guy?

What the fuck are you doing here?

- She's got a room for rent.

- Okay, somebody needs to tell me

what the fuck is going on here.

- Tell you?

Wow, you just show up in
the middle of the night

after two months and you
actually expect somebody

to tell you what's going on?

- I was hoping I could
have a word with you.

Alone.

- Both of these guys are just
trying to get in your pants.

- Will you just please get outta here?

- No way. I'm not going
anywhere while he's here.

I am the only one who has
your best interest at heart.

This situation is volatile.

- You can have five minutes.

So?

- I wanted to say that I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry?

You leave me at the altar
and you don't talk to me

for two months and all you
can say is "I'm sorry"?

- How's the arm?

- Better I'm told.

How's your brother?

- He thought you broke his jaw at first

but turned out it was
just a hairline fracture

or contusion or something, I don't know.

- What, it's like beyond
your comprehension?

You're a fucking surgeon.

- Yeah, well, maybe I didn't
wanna know, all right?

I just kinda was the one who
threw him in the line of fire.

- I guess that's the risk you take

when you're the best man,

you're told the bride the
groom's not showing up.

- God, you know that was the hardest thing

that I have ever had to
do in my entire life?

Not show up to marry you?

- No way, I am not letting
you put this on me.

I said that I had doubts.

I didn't say that I didn't wanna do it.

- You telling me the
night before the wedding

that you're not sure you wanna marry me,

that seems pretty clearcut.

- But I showed up.

I was there.

Fuck, Mark.

And I've been so fucked up
these last couple months.

I don't, I don't know what
I want anymore, you know?

- Why don't you just do me a favor?

Just send those guys home

and let's just you and me

figure things out alone tonight, hmm?

Don't tell me.

Another guy.

- God.

Can I help you?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I just, I saw your light on

and I was driving by to
look at the room for rent

and thought, hell, I'm
all the way out here,

I might as well take the chance, you know.

- Are you serious?

- Well, yeah.

I mean, you do have a
room for rent, don't you?

He just left you at the altar

without a word?

And that's the first time
you've spoken to him since.

- Yeah.

- That's amazing.

- Ah, so what's your story?

- I'm a Psych major.

I wanna be a therapist, like for couples.

- A little late for me.

- It's never too late.

- Wow, I guess it was
just too much to hope for

that you guys would be gone.

- Can I talk to you?

- Come on, Kyle.

- Really?

Everyone else here has gotten
some one-on-one time tonight.

I think I deserve a little too.

- You know what, if you've
got something to say,

just say it.

- Fine, fine.

It's not really how I
envisioned it but fine.

You remember when we were like eight

and everybody was playing

on the jungle gym doing
like cherry bombs and stuff

and I fell and landed on my arm

and it snapped in two.

And I started just bawling.

And all the other kids gathered around

and were pointing down, laughing.

"Oh, crying Kyle, crying
Kyle, crying Kyle."

But you helped
me up and held my hand

and took me all the way
to the nurse's office.

And they had to pry your hand off

to get me to the hospital.

And when I came back,

you were the only person

who didn't write crying Kyle on my cast.

You remember that?

- No.

- Neither do I.

And yet there are probably
endless actual stories

from our lives that get at the same idea.

And I could try and pull them out

and tell you how long
I have cared about you

and that it was at such-and-such moment

that I first fell in love with you,

but none of that matters right now.

And all that matters right
now is the right now.

And all I know is that before right now

I was miserable

and all I could think
about was how the hell

did I end up in one of those marriages

where I fucking hate it?

And then you
came back into my life.

And you found yourself

in an even more miserable place than me.

But when we're together,
we are not miserable.

And I know you know that.

And I don't wanna see
you going down some path

that sends you spiraling even further

because we can be so good together.

I don't wanna see you miserable anymore.

And I don't wanna be miserable anymore.

I just don't...

- Okay.

Okay.

I gave it my best shot.

I had to do it.

I gave it my best shot.

Okay, I'm gonna go now.

- Okay, mm-hmm.

- Think it's time we
all acted like gentlemen

and left, okay?

- Okay, I don't have anywhere to go.

I thought I was staying here tonight.

I have my shit in the car.

- I'm leaving.
- I gave my cot away

to Dr. Foxler.

Planning on staying here
tonight because of the room

and then the other thing.

- I'm taking off.

- The room's already rented?

- No, no, no, no,

he is not living here.
- I'm leaving now.

- This isn't your house.

- I believe it's half my house actually.

- Actually, you kinda voided that deal

when you didn't show up.
- I'm leaving right now.

I'm just gonna...

I'm really going outside now.

I think it's time you leave too.

- Aren't you on call or something?

Should never have done that.

Was stupid, like high
school all over again.

Fucking stupid idiot.

Oh yeah, "Crying Kyle, crying..."

Yeah, Mark.

Fucking bullshit.

Every single time.

She's such a bitch.

God, why did...

Who the fuck are you?

- She's knows you're banging her.

- As ridiculous as it
sounds, she wants you.

- Really?

- Look, no offense, I just,

I probably should've done that,

considering how everything's turned out.

- Wow.

This is all really fascinating.

Do you guys mind if I interview you

for a paper I'm doing?

Fucking, get off!

Come on!

- Mark.

- Come on, come on.

- Do not let that fucker in here!

He's running away.

- Call 9-1-1.

All the fucking way out here.

- His pulse is really weak.

- Tore though.
- Shit

Is it his corrated?

I think it's his jugular.

- Pulsative?

- I don't know.
- Let me see it.

- Let me fucking see it, Mark.

Holy shit.

God.

- What the fuck was that?

- I think it was a vampire.

Come on.

Get me towels or something.

We gotta stop the bleeding.

We gotta get him to a hospital.

He's not gonna
make it to the hospital.

Real towels!

- Sheets, anything to make a bandage.

Let me do it.

- Do what?

- Sew him up.
- We need a vascular surgeon.

- I've done it before.

- On what? On what?

- My cat.

- Am I bleeding?

Just hold pressure.

- Good. Rip 'em into two
to three-inch strips, go.

Just hand me that one right now.

- Who got us these?

- Uh, the Atlers, I believe.

- Huh?

- They're nice.

- Yeah.

- I'm...

Lift his head.

- Yeah, yeah.
- His head over here.

Yeah, get it.

Pull it through.

- Got the pressure.

- Can we move him now?

What?

What the fuck?

- Uh oh.

Come on.

Just let him...

No, we need to sit.

Fuckers.

Jesus fucking Christ.

This is exactly what I was talking about.

This a fucking nightmare.

We are in the middle
of the fucking desert.

What the fuck was that?

- There is a scary fucker
in the backyard right now

and there's a chunk of his flesh

sitting on the driveway.
- Shut the fuck up!

We gotta get Kyle some help.

- We gotta get him to the hospital.

We get in the car and go.

How will we
get past the vampires?

- Her, you show up in
the middle of the night

and all this weird shit starts happening.

You better explain

yourself, miss
- Calm, fucking Mark.

- What the fuck?
- Come on.

- Who is she and her fucking freak friends

are playing some freak game
and trying to fuck us up

or fuck us or whatever.
- No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no.

What about that Paul guy?

- Who's Paul?

- It's the pizza guy.
- Pizza guy.

- What pizza guy?

- Just that, that doesn't
even matter right now,

it doesn't matter.

- He just stopped at the door.

- Who?

- The vampire that bit him.

- He just went right up to
the door and stopped, right?

- Yes.

- Yes.

Yes, yes.

Vampire can't come in
unless we invite them.

- Exactly!

Otherwise why wouldn't
they just break the glass

or the door and come in?

- Duh?

- Wouldn't you do that if you wanted

to kill some people?
- Wouldn't you?

- Why don't we just wait until sunrise

and see if they leave?

- You're not buying this are you?

- He just like stood there.

- Um, hello.

Would you guys listen
to yourselves right now?

We should cuff him
and give it to.

- Not likely.
- Look,

I'm no vampire

transition expert but I don't know,

a transfusion?
- Don't be ridiculous!

- I'm ridiculous?

He lost blood cause vampires

have sucked it the fuck out of him.

- I have to use the bathroom.

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
- Where are you going?

- To the bathroom.

- By yourself?

- I don't think they're
gonna come in here.

- I'm not going.

- I but...

Let us in.

Please. Invite us.

Invite us in.

Invite us.

Invite us!

- Are you okay?

All right,
is it one of them?

Oh god.

- Help! I got it, Mark.

Get the fuck off of me!

Shit! He bit me.

He didn't even break the skin.

- Somebody must've invited him in.

- When I came out of the bathroom,

she was gone and then
suddenly he appeared.

Like out of thin air?

- Yeah, like out of thin air.

It was crazy.
- No vampires, huh?

What the fuck?

- Don't touch him!

Don't you dare touch him.
- You want some over here,

you cunt.

- That's right.

They're vampires and
they're gonna fuck you.

My Edward's gonna come
for you and fuck you.

- Oh my god, we've been attacked

by methhead "Twilight" fans.

After I drink your blood,
we're gonna be real vampires

like my Edward.

- Wait, you're not actually vampires yet?

- We will be when we join our
eternal brothers and sisters

through the sacrificial-

Wow...

Get back in the house.

No, don't do that, you guys.

- Shit, I knew it. I told you.

- It's not gonna happen now.

- Are you all done yet?

I'm going to pizza mountain.

- Pizza mountain?

- Pizza mountain?

- It's the only place phones work.

- You're just gonna run outside?

- Doesn't seem smart.

- Better than in here with you two.

- Don't be an idiot.

- Yeah, not smart.

- I was hoping you all
could create a distraction.

- Smart.

- You're not going out there.

- An explosion?

- Like with household chemicals?

- You can do that?

- Yeah. Maybe.

- No, I've got it.

We invite them in.

- They're not vampires.

- Yeah, but they act like vampires.

- I like it. I'll do it.

- You will?

- You will?

- Yes. I predict the best survival rate

is staying in the house.

- How are we supposed to defend ourselves?

- Booby traps.

- The wedding presents.

- Etiquette.

- Fuck etiquette.

- I'm going with you.

You can't stop me.

- Fine.

Kyle goes in the car.

If help doesn't come,
head off at first light.

- You know I have my kinks,

but is it just me or is this really sexy?

- All this is just bringing
us closer together.

Can we still
be friends?

I'll be right here alone.

- Blender.

Hi.

- Mi casa su casa.

- Succotash, mother fuckers!

- How much further is it?

- It's not far.

Turn it off.

We'll move faster
if we can see it all.

I said turn it off.

Run!

- Fuck!

Do you know where we are anymore?

- No.

Woo woo hoo hoo.

Woo hoo hoo, woo!

- Time for motherfucking, yow!

Fuck, they're everywhere.

- We've gotta split up.

- No.

We're better off out here together.

- Things change.

- No, we don't have to yet.

- It's for the best.

Woo, woo hoo hoo.

- Fine.

- Ow!
- Woo, woo hoo hoo!

- Stop, stop.

Hey, get you fuckers!

Get off me!

Can't do it.

Oh, stop, please stop, stop!

- What happened?

Where's Rachel?

What happened?

- I don't wanna talk about it.

- Where's Rachel?

- We split up.

Hospital.

- Go.

Go.

- What happened to you?

- Vampires.

- Vampires?

- What are you doing here?

- I got my credit check.

- You still wanna be my roommate?

- Yeah.

I can't fuck you, though, to
help you get over that guy.

I just don't think that would work.

- Don't worry about it.

I'm over it.

♪ Wow wow ♪

♪ I smoke reefer in the morning ♪

♪ Cigarettes on my breath ♪

♪ I ain't lying to nobody ♪

♪ Yes, I'm talking to myself ♪

♪ And I'm a man, not a preacher ♪

♪ But if you call out my name ♪

♪ I might just beseech ya, sit beside ya ♪

♪ It's all the same ♪

♪ I want alcohol, alcohol ♪

♪ Yeah, you've got it ♪

♪ You gotta give it to me ♪

♪ I want alcohol, alcohol ♪

♪ Oh yeah, you've got it ♪

♪ You gotta give it to me ♪

♪ I snort coke off women's titties ♪

♪ Bitches' backs and off the floor ♪

♪ Drums of Jack ♪

♪ Racks of whiskey ♪

♪ When I'm done come on gimme some more ♪

♪ Belt it back, but pay the police ♪

♪ 'Cause they know who I am ♪

♪ I'm gonna run for office ♪

♪ Jack my balls for Uncle Sam ♪

♪ I want alcohol, alcohol ♪

♪ Yeah, you got it ♪

♪ Come on, you gotta give it to me ♪

♪ I want ♪