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1
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:40,479
Yeah?
2
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,839
(Barry) No, sit properly
like you're gonna mean it,
3
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,359
like you mean it.
4
00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,719
No, Waj, don't muck about.
5
00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,279
Cos the battery's gonna go. Sit...
6
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,999
Who's mucking about, Barry?
I'm not mucking about.
7
00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,279
Well, you can't sit like that.
8
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:53,559
What's wrong
with how he's sitting, Barry?
9
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,159
(Barry) Come and have a look. It's wrong.
10
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:56,519
There's nothing wrong with it.
11
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,439
- (Barry) Not you!
- (Waj) Show me.
12
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,119
(Barry) No!
Right, what are you looking at?
13
00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:02,519
There's nothing there.
14
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,719
No, there's nothing there.
Go and sit down.
15
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,639
- You can't see yourself, you mug!
- (Waj) I thought you were recording it.
16
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,239
(Barry) Right, sit, sit.
17
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,239
- Faisal, go away.
- I'm ready, I'm ready.
18
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:13,839
- (Barry) All right.
- Waj, just relax your face.
19
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,719
Focus on what you're going to say.
Get on with it.
20
00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,799
- Go, before the battery goes.
- (Omar) One, two...
21
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,319
Three... action!
22
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,759
Ey up,
you unbelieving kuffar bastards.
23
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,279
- I'm gonna turn you baked beans...
- (Barry) No, no, no.
24
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,119
- What?
- What's with the gun?
25
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,639
- Proper replica, man.
- What for? Action Man?
26
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,439
Replica AK-47.
27
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,839
- It's too small, man.
- Not too small, brother.
28
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,199
- My hands.
- Waj...
29
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:43,719
Big hands.
30
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,319
He can't do it with that gun.
31
00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,479
Shut up, Barry.
Try it without, our kid, and let's go.
32
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:48,679
It's too small, believe me.
33
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,559
I'll hold it near the camera.
That'll bigger it.
34
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,839
- That'll what?
- That'll bigger it.
35
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,719
- (Waj) Yeah.
- (Omar) Go now.
36
00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,719
Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards.
37
00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,919
(Barry) No, no, no!
This is absolutely stupid.
38
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,399
These are the outtakes.
You know, the bloopers.
39
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,079
- He looks good.
- (Omar) Today is a wake-up call.
40
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,879
Today is an opportunity
for you to look in the mirror
41
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,359
at western imperialist culture.
42
00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:17,559
Superficial materialism
43
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:21,079
ends at the capitalist church
of McDonald's.
44
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,679
Flipping idiots.
45
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:27,079
It's as though you just had a Big Mac,
completely oblivious to the amount...
46
00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,999
Complete flipping idiots.
47
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:33,399
You could've gone Chicken Cottage,
proper halal,
48
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,479
bargain bucket £6.99.
49
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,359
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about Chicken Cottage.
50
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,039
- There's one where he doesn't say that.
- Your bit's good, Dad.
51
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:44,959
(Barry) Take the box off.
52
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,159
I can't show my face
cos it's an image.
53
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:48,439
And images aren't allowed.
54
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:49,719
You know what? They're all bloopers.
55
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:51,479
(Barry) Take the box off.
56
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,279
What am I going to do
if he does that at the camp?
57
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,199
Is Uncle Faisal ready to go to Pakistan?
58
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,799
(Barry) You can't do your jihadi video
with a box on your head.
59
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:00,879
No way.
60
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,519
Ran 23K on the weekend.
61
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,319
6K Saturday morning.
62
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:39,959
Had a light lunch:
Snack-a-Jacks and a medium apple.
63
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,599
5K in the afternoon,
cos obviously it was after lunch, so...
64
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,359
Same again Sunday.
65
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,479
Although in the afternoon
I only did 4K cos I'd had a roast.
66
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:56,239
Would've gone further, you know,
but I started to run a bit lopsided.
67
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,559
I'm not slagging my right leg off,
but my left leg is definitely stronger.
68
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,839
I think lefty just wants it more, you know.
69
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,879
Right leg's bone idle.
70
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,479
He'll just wait there,
let lefty pick up the slack.
71
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,799
Before you know it,
you're running in curves.
72
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,479
I'm going to have
to put my foot down, you know.
73
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:19,439
Really show him who's boss. Yeah.
Know what I mean?
74
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,839
You do know you can talk to your legs,
don't you?
75
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,919
- I need tomorrow off.
- What?
76
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,759
I need tomorrow off,
and the two weeks after that.
77
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,839
Jesus, I thought you were serious
about this job, Omar.
78
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,959
I've got to go to a wedding in Pakistan.
79
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,999
You've got to ask yourself
where you'll be in five years' time.
80
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,759
- It's an emergency.
- What, an emergency wedding?
81
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:40,919
Like a shotgun wedding?
82
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,159
Like a shotgun wedding, yeah.
83
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,479
Right.
84
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:48,799
Well, I'll have a look at the rota.
85
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,319
(Barry) The Feds can track your phone
even if the battery's out.
86
00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:00,239
- (Faisal) Really?
- Really. They can see you underground, right?
87
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,279
(Waj) Can they see you if you're not there?
88
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,079
(Barry) Where's there?
89
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,599
(Waj) I don't know.
90
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,159
They can see you everywhere, Waj.
91
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:08,839
(Faisal) Are they looking at us
through cameras?
92
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,399
- Space cameras, yes.
- But...
93
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,279
My dad says I'm not supposed
to be on camera. It's haram.
94
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,559
With the greatest of respect, Faisal,
your dad eats newspaper.
95
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,279
- Not any more. He eats moths.
- Exactly, bro.
96
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,719
Look, the way to stop the Feds
tracking you is very simple.
97
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:29,599
You eat your SIM card.
Get your SIM cards out.
98
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:33,039
You remove the SIM card and...
Yes?
99
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:37,559
- Can I cook mine?
- No. You must eat it raw, like this.
100
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:47,119
Good boys.
101
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:48,399
Salaam, lads.
102
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,159
Walaykum asalaam.
103
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,519
- Right.
- We're eating our SIM cards.
104
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,319
Anti-surveillance.
105
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,079
You know they still work
inside you, Barry.
106
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,039
- Eh?
- They can still track them inside you.
107
00:05:58,160 --> 00:05:59,959
That's not going to be
very helpful in Pakistan.
108
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,359
- What?
- In Pakistan.
109
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:04,919
Answered the call, bro.
110
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,319
- What call?
- Training camp.
111
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,439
We're upgrading.
112
00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:10,759
We're going.
113
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,159
Why did you get the call?
Why didn't I get the call?
114
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,399
You don't have an uncle in Pakistan
last time I checked.
115
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:17,919
You got an uncle in Folkstone.
Are there any training camps in Folkstone?
116
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,519
Why do we need a training camp, anyway?
We're primed.
117
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:23,279
We don't need some tramp up a mountain,
telling us to set a fuse.
118
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:26,399
We don't need some Paki Steptoe
telling us when to go.
119
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,919
You're right, Barry.
We can go whenever we want.
120
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,519
Exactly. Whenever we want, bro.
121
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:33,039
Yeah, if you want to be some kind of
sad loner trenchcoat mafia twazzock.
122
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,159
What do you mean?
123
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:37,879
What I mean is, you can either be
a stupid nutter Muslim
124
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,879
who blows a bag full of nails
into his own guts at a toilet at TGI's,
125
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:45,319
or you can be a proper soldier
in the Mujahideen.
126
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:48,079
- I'm already in the Mujahideen.
- No, you're not, bro.
127
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,079
No, not until you join the army
128
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,639
and hold the sword
129
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,319
and touch the sky -
proper chain of command,
130
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,519
right to the very top.
131
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:00,999
- All right, I'm coming.
- Oh, you want Paki Steptoe now?
132
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,159
Listen, I am the most Al Qaeda one here.
133
00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:05,039
Think of the group.
Think of what we're trying to do.
134
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,359
It's best you stay here, bro.
135
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,439
You're a liability
and you're a loose cannon.
136
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,199
Bollocks, I'm a liability.
137
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:12,639
I am the invisible Jihadi.
138
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,079
They seek him here,
they seek him there.
139
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,759
But he's not there,
he's blowing up your slag sister.
140
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,359
- Invisible?
- Yeah.
141
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,359
Like the time you got on the local news
for baking a Twin Towers cake
142
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,399
and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?
143
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:24,719
That is part of the plan.
144
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,079
Hide in plain sight, you mug.
145
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,039
And I am coming!
146
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,639
You realise, if I don't come
with you to Pakistan, bro,
147
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:42,959
Islam is finished.
148
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,599
Listen, bro, we need you over here
to keep a lid on things.
149
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:47,319
So what if I'm not here?
150
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,719
Cos I've bought a ticket at the airport
to come with you anyways.
151
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:51,999
You want to come, Fess?
152
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:55,639
Yeah, it's just... my dad's
seeing creatures that's not there.
153
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,639
- So he'll keep it ticking over here, bro.
- Barry, listen.
154
00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,679
- If you answer this question, you can come.
- All right.
155
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,159
(Speaks Urdu)
156
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,599
- Don't fuck with me, man!
- (Speaks Urdu)
157
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,519
Don't fuck with Azzam al Britani!
158
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,399
(Omar) Barry, what are you doing?
159
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,239
Barry, this is crazy.
160
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:20,479
- Barry, what are you doing?
- Right, if I'm not going, no one is.
161
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:23,639
Spit it out.
162
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:28,719
(Waj) It's gone down his neck.
163
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:29,719
Right, frog him.
164
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,119
- Frog him in the back.
- Omar, we agreed, no frogging.
165
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:34,999
That was before you swallowed the key.
Every time I've had to frog you.
166
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,119
- (Barry) Listen, we...
- (Waj) Come on. Come on.
167
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,119
We said no frogging!
168
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,959
What if you get caught?
I'm not going down.
169
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,199
Just cos you can't take
a drill in the kneecap.
170
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,159
They'll crack you like babies' fingers.
171
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,719
They'll pump you full ofViagra,
make you fuck a dog.
172
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,639
(Waj) Good prattle, Barry.
173
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:53,679
(Grunts)
174
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,399
(Engine starts)
175
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,959
You'll end up on YouTube,
blowing Lassie in a ditch.
176
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,359
(Engine revs)
177
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,839
(Tyres screech)
178
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,599
Are they gonna make me fuck
a dog out there, brother Omar?
179
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:12,759
My uncle's connected out there.
180
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,399
Only time we're going to see cops
is for weapons upgrade.
181
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,119
All right, Omar,
I'm letting you go to Pakistan.
182
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,319
My unit stays here.
183
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,759
- But my unit's the main unit.
- Barry, shut up, mate.
184
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,799
Because I tell you, your little brain cell
might go off now and again,
185
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,319
but if your hands even go to move
186
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,239
and you try setting up
the Islamic state of Tinsley again,
187
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,159
going to university lectures,
opening your big mouth,
188
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,439
buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon,
189
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:33,559
I'm gonna rip your plugs out.
190
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:34,959
Not if you're not here, you won't.
191
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:36,319
Aargh!
192
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:11,759
No, Uncle.
193
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,439
It's my prayer bear.
He does my prayers.
194
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,799
(Electronic voice praying)
195
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,439
In the name of Allah...
196
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,959
Which way are we going?
197
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,119
All right. OK.
198
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:38,879
What the fuck's he done
to his rabbits, bro?
199
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,919
They're not rabbits, bro.
They're chickens.
200
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,079
They're fucking rabbits.
201
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:45,759
Bro, if they're rabbits,
where are their ears?
202
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,399
That's what I'm saying.
203
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,279
(Speaks Punjabi then Arabic)
204
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,119
What?
205
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:07,159
(Waj) What's he saying?
206
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,039
I'm asking, would he kill you?
207
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,519
Pack up.
208
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,839
If you make me trouble...
209
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,359
(Waj) Alaykum salaam.
210
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,479
- Would you kill me, then?
- No, course not.
211
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,239
Come on.
212
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,559
I'd kill you, bro.
213
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:37,599
Would you?
214
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,279
- Yeah.
- Right, good.
215
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:42,359
Cos I would kill you, bro.
216
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,159
Bro, seriously, I'd kill you.
217
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,679
Course I would.
218
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,599
Aye, I would. I'd kill you like that.
219
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,439
- Flipping heck, man. Would you?
- Yeah, course.
220
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,919
I sort of thought
I were joking a bit there, bro.
221
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,199
We're soldiers, bro.
Whatever's asked, you do it.
222
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,079
You do the right thing.
223
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,199
Right?
224
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,279
- Are you with me?
- Yeah.
225
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,439
It's life, isn't it? It's just life.
What is that? It's nothing.
226
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,959
It's like being stuck
in the queue at Alton Towers.
227
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,479
Do you want to be in the queues
or do you want to be on the rides?
228
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:14,959
You want to be on the rides, don't you?
You want to be on Nemesis, Oblivion.
229
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,599
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
230
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:19,439
- Yeah. You with me?
- Yeah.
231
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,239
- Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
- Yeah, Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
232
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,679
Right?
233
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,759
- OK, I would kill you, brother Omar.
- Would you?
234
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,559
- Yeah, I would.
- What would you do?
235
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,999
- I'd smash your head off with a thing.
- Yeah. Know what I'd do?
236
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,439
I'd grab one of these hooks, Waj.
I'd dig it in your belly, rip your guts out.
237
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,679
Spill it all out on the floor,
like Mortal Combat.
238
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,839
I'd fucking... I'd take this, right?
239
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,039
- Yeah?
- And I'd fucking run you over with a tractor.
240
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,239
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Soldiers.
241
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,799
Soldiers, brother. Mujahid.
242
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:47,039
Mujahid.
243
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:48,799
(Chickens cluck)
244
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,359
Good lad.
245
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:51,839
Come on. You want some?
246
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,679
Yeah, you do want some, rabbit.
247
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,799
You fucked-up rabbit with no ears.
248
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,119
- I'll fucking... I'll have you.
- They're chickens, man.
249
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,719
- I'd roast you.
- Waj, they're chickens.
250
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,359
(Music on radio)
251
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,399
(Music stops)
252
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:37,279
(Waj) I'm coming. Coming.
253
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,079
I'm coming.
254
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,599
- Come on, Waj.
- (Speaking in Arabic)
255
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,599
(Speaks Arabic)
256
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:04,999
Fuck off, bro. East is that way.
257
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,199
- That way is East, bro.
- (Replies in Urdu)
258
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:10,439
That way is East.
259
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,359
- We've flown over Mecca now.
- Paki's gone mental, bro.
260
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,839
Mecca is in the East, yeah.
261
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,679
Where the sun... where it rises,
you behn choad paki prong!
262
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,799
(Omar) Turn around. I'll explain to you later.
263
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,879
(Omar) Fuck! Waj, come on. Come on!
264
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:39,999
(Omar) Go, go, go. Come on.
265
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,399
- Come on, Waj.
- OK, OK.
266
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,559
(Drone of aircraft)
267
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,399
Hey, brother Emir, I'll take it out.
268
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:49,599
(Speaks Arabic)
269
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,119
Too high, too high.
270
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:54,399
Yeah, that's what I was thinking actually.
What is that, 2,000 feet?
271
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,199
- What?
- Nothing.
272
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,679
I've never stood up in public and
professed any in-depth knowledge of Islam,
273
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:13,039
but what I do know is that most British
Muslims don't want to be out abroad,
274
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,159
fighting British foreign policy.
275
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:19,159
What they want to do is get on
peacefully with their daily lives.
276
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,799
- And we support that.
- (Barry) Yeah, yeah.
277
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,199
A good Muslim
always keeps his mouth shut.
278
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:27,639
Yeah? Yeah? Are you all surprised
kids are going off to training camps?
279
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,599
- That is not what I am saying.
- Why are kids going to training camps?
280
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,319
First off, I object
to the term "training camps".
281
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,759
- You just used it.
- No, I did not.
282
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,719
It's a western fantasy.
283
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,399
You people think of Muslims
running around the mountains
284
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:41,559
with guns and bombs.
285
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,759
That'd suit you
down to the ground, wouldn't it?
286
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:47,239
- But they do exist, don't they?
- I'm not saying they don't exist.
287
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:48,759
What I'm saying, if you'll listen,
288
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,959
is that if they didn't exist,
you people would have to invent them.
289
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:54,279
- (Storge) That's absolute rubbish.
- Yeah, man.
290
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,079
- This whole debate is twisted, man.
- We'll take questions later, please.
291
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,079
You think we're all bombers, don't you?
292
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,959
- That is absolutely...
- No, no, no.
293
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,679
When you look at someone like me,
you think "bomber", right?
294
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,919
- Yeah, you do.
- That is not the case.
295
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:08,679
Why shouldn't I be a bomber
if you treat me like one?
296
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,199
- Mashallah, brother.
- Yeah, Mashallah.
297
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,719
Yeah.
298
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,879
(Raps) I'm the Mujahideen
and I'm making a scene
299
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,039
Now you's gonna feel
what the boom-boom means
300
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,719
It's like Tupac said,
"When I die, I'm not dead"
301
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,839
We are the martyrs,
you're just smashed tomatoes
302
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,399
- Allahu Akbar!
- (Audience screams)
303
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:32,639
Mashallah, brother.
304
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,359
(Murmurs from the audience)
305
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,599
Oh, what, man? Come on.
306
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,599
What? Just cos I'm Muslim,
you thought it was real?
307
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,439
- (Shouts from audience)
- (Barry) Oh, here they come!
308
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:44,559
Here come your stooges, Mr Storge.
309
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,079
Police state! Police state!
310
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,119
- Police state! Police state!
- (Applause)
311
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,759
Remember my name, brothers and sisters.
I'm going to Cuba!
312
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:58,039
He's being rendered!
He's being rendered!
313
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:05,999
(Barry) Hey, bro, bro. Down here.
314
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,759
Need a lift?
315
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:12,679
Yeah, man. Wait. Yeah.
316
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,679
Oh, man!
317
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:16,599
Yo!
318
00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:19,399
You're a lege. You're a lege, bro!
319
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,639
Not so bad yourself, brother.
What's your name?
320
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,359
Hassan Malik. "The Mal".
321
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,119
- The Mal?
- Yeah.
322
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,799
Nice little stunt back there.
323
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,639
And you know what?
324
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,639
You're a total piece of shit, mate.
325
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:37,279
You're worse than the specially trained rapists
they use in Guantánamo.
326
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,879
- You what?
- Yeah, you're not ignorant like them!
327
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,039
You know you should be doing something.
328
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,159
- I am doing something.
- What, that?
329
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,839
I'm the Mujahideen and...
thingy, thingy, rap, rap
330
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:48,959
Eh?
331
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:53,439
It was jihad of the mind,
the gesture that messed yer.
332
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,959
Wasthe prophet, Sal Allaahu
Alayhi wa Sallam, about gestures?
333
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,999
Hm? Did he smash the pagan statues
334
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,879
or did he just stand there, making a gesture?
335
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,679
(Engine starts)
336
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,759
Is this a gesture?
337
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:13,239
- That was for real, brother.
- Yeah...
338
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,039
Is you as for real as that?
339
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,799
- Yeah.
- How often do you go to mosque?
340
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,399
When I can. Most weeks. Friday prayers.
341
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,959
Once a year is too often.
The mosques have lost it, brother.
342
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,239
They're full of losers and spies.
343
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,199
These are real bad times, bro.
344
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,679
Islam is cracking up.
345
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,799
We got women talking back.
346
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,199
We got people playing stringed instruments.
347
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,399
It's the end of days.
348
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,359
Do you want to be for real?
349
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,959
Well, yeah, of course.
350
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,999
Are you sure?
351
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:52,319
100 percent.
352
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:54,159
Yeah, come here.
353
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,439
Fuck you, Omar!
354
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,039
(Gunfire)
355
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,999
Big enough for you now, Barry?
356
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:16,319
Am I blowing a dog in a ditch
or am I Paki Rambo?
357
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,519
(Speaks Arabic)
358
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:26,999
I'm getting my pictures, Mujahid-style.
359
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:32,119
- James Fuck Bond?
- No, no.
360
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:33,319
What the fuck are you doing, Waj?
361
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,159
(Speaks Arabic)
362
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,799
(Continues in Arabic)
363
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,079
(Shouting in Arabic)
364
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,879
Stay here and clean the guns.
365
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,879
No, no, listen. We need an Al Qaeda emir.
366
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,119
It was my fault, bro, OK?
Let Omar go.
367
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,639
You fucking Mr Beans.
368
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,639
- But we haven't got an emir yet.
- It's good.
369
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:25,879
- Just getting my pictures, bro.
- Waj, go away right now.
370
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:37,959
Come on.
371
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:39,639
- Where is it?
- Down here.
372
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,559
(Barry) Whoa, whoa, whoa!
373
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,879
Liquid peroxide.
374
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,799
Three years of stockpiling.
375
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,879
- Where did you get it all?
- A wholesale shop down the road.
376
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,599
- All from the same shop?
- Yeah.
377
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,159
- You mug, you'll get us nicked!
- No.
378
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,079
I use different voices every time I go in.
379
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,399
Different what? Different voices.
Show me.
380
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:30,519
- What?
- Show me the voices. Come on.
381
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:38,279
- One of them's... It's my voice.
- Right.
382
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:41,679
Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?
383
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,919
I know what that sounds like.
Give me another one.
384
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:47,919
IRA voice.
385
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,839
IRA voice?
386
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,079
They're terrorists, Faisal.
387
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,599
Why do you want to do a terrorist voice?
You'll get us nicked!
388
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:56,519
- I'll be disguised then, won't I?
- Yeah, but as a terrorist.
389
00:21:58,800 --> 00:21:59,799
Let's hear the voice.
390
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,599
(Normal voice) Can I have...
12 bottles of bleach, please?
391
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,399
And then I've got one like this as well.
392
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,799
(Same voice)
Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?
393
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,039
What's that?
394
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:19,919
It's a woman's voice
because I got loads of liquid peroxide.
395
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,919
Probably thought that she'd go and...
396
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,279
(Barry) And what?
397
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,399
...dye her hair or something.
- And her beard?
398
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:28,999
- You got a beard.
- I covered it.
399
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,439
You covered your beard. How?
400
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:41,719
Right, so you went into a shop,
with your hands on your face like that
401
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,519
and asked for 12 bottles of bleach?
402
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,959
So, why has she got her hands
on her face, Fess?
403
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,519
Cos she's got a beard.
404
00:22:58,560 --> 00:22:59,999
I'm sorry, brother Omar.
405
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:02,159
Maybe it were God's will.
406
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,719
Maybe it were God's will
I would do my video so...
407
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,479
- So maybe it's not my fault.
- No, it is your fault.
408
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:12,519
It were God's will that you were acting
like a complete prat, apparently.
409
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,519
It was defo your fault.
410
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:19,399
So, if that were God's will,
then am I God's fault?
411
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:21,879
Maybe I'm God's mistake.
412
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,959
- Does that mean I'm going to hell, brother?
- Sh, sh, sh.
413
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:26,599
- Do mistakes go to hell?
- Shh, Waj.
414
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:27,719
What?
415
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,679
- That's a drone.
- Hide!
416
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:34,999
- It's flying low. It's going to attack.
- Let's go!
417
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:36,999
Where are we gonna go, Waj?
We've got to take it out.
418
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:39,079
Take it out with what?
We ain't got no bullets.
419
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:42,279
- This is my mistake, bro.
- No, no, no. Waj, listen.
420
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:46,439
Think about it. This is God's plan.
He's put us here to defend the camp.
421
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:47,919
This is our jihad.
422
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,119
- Think about it.
- This is my mistake, brother.
423
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,439
That's the devil that's in your brain
giving it the wasa-wasa.
424
00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,719
Don't listen to him.
God's in your heart, bro.
425
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,159
Right? What does your heart say?
Trust me. Come on.
426
00:23:57,280 --> 00:24:00,999
It says maybe we should...
427
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,639
Huh?
428
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:05,359
Maybe we should flipping pop it, brother,
get back on jihad.
429
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,359
Good, Waj.
430
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:09,159
(Omar) Right, OK.
431
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,879
What are we going to use?
432
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,599
- Fucking yes, bro.
- Shh, shh. Right, come on.
433
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,119
- Proper Mujahid, yeah?
- Yeah.
434
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,039
- Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother?
- Mind out the way now.
435
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,399
- All right, OK.
- Come on.
436
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,999
- Flipping pop it, brother.
- OK.
437
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:36,719
Brother Omar!
438
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:41,159
The Arabs!
439
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,519
The emir!
440
00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,119
(Explosion)
441
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,159
Flipping shit.
442
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:52,839
Is this God's will, bro?
443
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:56,239
- (Shouting)
- Tell me it is, bro. Tell me it's God's will.
444
00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:58,399
- (Explosion)
- Fucking hell, bro.
445
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,959
We've got to go, Waj.
We've got to get out of here.
446
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,679
I can't hear nothing!
447
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:19,559
(Waj) I can't hear nothing!
448
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:29,319
Morning, officer.
449
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,199
You've been rumbled.
450
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,839
My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow
451
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:50,639
and fly it into one of them towers
full ofJews and slags.
452
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:53,519
I keep crows in here. Have a look.
453
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,959
We're way beyond crows now, Faisal.
454
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:57,959
We are really going to blow the lid off.
455
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,119
Yeah, I'm all about blowing the lid off, man.
456
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:05,159
- Blow my lid off.
- Bomb the mosque!
457
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:07,559
What?
458
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:10,359
- The Masjid?
- Yeah, the masjid, the mosque.
459
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:11,799
But we go in dressed like kuffars.
460
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:15,879
They think it's the unbelievers attacking
so all the Muslims rise up and fight back.
461
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,759
Stoke things up proper big time,
fast-track the final days - total war!
462
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,959
- That is sick, man.
- What does Omar say?
463
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:25,719
(Hassan) Who is this Omar?
464
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,039
Don't sweat that.
He's one of my boys.
465
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,119
I've sent him off to training camp
to bring him up to scratch.
466
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,399
But my dad goes to the masjid.
What if he's in masjid?
467
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,519
Has your dad ever bought
a Jaffa orange?
468
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:37,399
Once or twice.
469
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,159
Right, he's buying nukes for Israel, bro.
He's a Jew.
470
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:55,679
- (Waj) Barry!
- (Omar) Where?
471
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,119
- Where is he?
- What are we going to say, again?
472
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:01,959
Waj, we're going to say we're being
sent for special training in Somalia.
473
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,759
- Somalia?
- Yeah, OK.
474
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,159
- You all right, Barry?
- Yeah. What happened?
475
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,999
Nothing happened.
We're being sent to...
476
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:23,119
Bollocks!
You fucked up, you fucking losers!
477
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:24,799
I told you you should have taken me.
478
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,319
- We're going to Somibia, Barry.
- Somalia.
479
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,799
- Special training.
- (Mocks Waj) "Special training."
480
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:33,799
- Bollocks! Something happened.
- Nothing happened, Barry.
481
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,599
Look at the state of you.
No luggage, back early.
482
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:37,959
Yeah, something happened.
483
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:42,079
- Yeah, something did happen.
- Yeah, you fucked up.
484
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:45,359
No, we got an emir
and he told us that we're on.
485
00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:46,479
What?
486
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:50,039
We've got an emir
and he says that we're on.
487
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:54,719
- Are you on as well, bro?
- Yeah, for real.
488
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,239
- Good.
- Alhamdulillah.
489
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:02,879
What about the Arabs, bro?
What about the Arabs?
490
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:07,279
They weren't Arabs,
they were bad tribesmen.
491
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:09,919
- What?
- Bad tribesmen.
492
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,879
- So it were good, what we did?
- Yeah.
493
00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:17,359
What the fuck is Special Branch doing here?
494
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:19,079
Oh, no, no, no.
That's Hassan. He's in.
495
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:21,679
- Since when, Barry?
- He's one of us.
496
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:24,479
- Is he fuck?
- (Hassan) How was it, boys? Was it amazing?
497
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:27,199
What, my dad's funeral?
How could that be amazing?
498
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:29,799
You're joking!
499
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:32,879
He was pecked to death by chickens.
Why would I joke about that?
500
00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:35,919
Ignore him, bro. This is Omar,
this is Waj and this is Hassan Malik.
501
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:37,559
Yeah, man, I'm the Mal.
502
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:40,079
Frog him.
503
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,799
No, don't sweat it, bro.
He's been tested.
504
00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:44,239
- Really?
- Yeah, he tested me, man.
505
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:45,999
How did he do that, then?
506
00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:49,319
- He made me do that bean thing, man.
- What bean thing?
507
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,559
You know, when you put a bean
up the end of your knob, man.
508
00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:58,519
We're on the parking. Let's go.
509
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:00,439
- Barry?
- We're on the parking.
510
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:02,999
- What's he saying about a bean, Barry?
- You mean, I didn't have to?
511
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:05,159
Bro, he's landed you right in it.
512
00:29:05,280 --> 00:29:08,839
I've got no need for a beanfucker
or a TV Paki or a coconut spook.
513
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:09,959
Now, frog him!
514
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:11,879
Omar, he's loaded. His dad's loaded.
515
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,679
- What, from MI5 payroll?
- No, he's got a clothes factory.
516
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,159
- Great. Merry Christmas. Frog him.
- I can get you a van.
517
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:20,439
- I can nick a van.
- So you'd steal from your own dad?
518
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:23,879
Well, yeah, yeah.
519
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,359
Right, well, you're still walking.
520
00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:29,719
Listen, behn choad, next time I see you,
you'd better have a fucking van,
521
00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:31,719
or I'm gonna floss your balls
with razor wire.
522
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:38,919
You played that wrong, mate.
523
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,199
- You're on one, Omar.
- Drive!
524
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:47,199
(Car won't start)
525
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:49,479
- Did you fix this, Barry?
- Yeah, I fixed it.
526
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,719
- Did you do it yourself or something?
- Yes, I did it myself.
527
00:29:56,480 --> 00:29:58,479
(Engine judders)
528
00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,079
(Barry) So is he in or what, Omar?
529
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:03,639
What choice have I got, Barry?
He's either in or I've got to kill him.
530
00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,399
(Barry) Good. I knew you'd like him.
531
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,159
Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own.
532
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:23,119
And Scar was looking for them and
if he found them, he'd kill them, but...
533
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:24,319
- Dad?
- Yeah?
534
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:26,279
Did you blow up any kuffars?
535
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:27,879
What?
536
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:29,359
At the wedding?
537
00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:33,239
Do you want to hear
what happened to Simba or not?
538
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:35,799
- Yeah!
- Right, so...
539
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:39,439
Simba and Pumbaa
were out on their own,
540
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:41,959
when all of a sudden they saw this...
541
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:47,639
...this big evil bird, this big bird,
that Scar had sent out to look for them.
542
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:51,479
This big, evil vulture, coming right at them.
543
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,679
"There it is," said Simba.
He spotted it,
544
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:56,199
this big evil vulture,
coming straight for them,
545
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:57,759
coming right at them.
546
00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:00,759
Then what, Dad?
547
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:05,759
Well, Simba had to bring it down,
otherwise it'd kill them.
548
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,679
So, what he did was,
he grabbed a stone
549
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,639
and he chucked it at the bird,
only he chucked it so hard,
550
00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:15,439
it was such a strong powerful throw,
that his arm went all the way round.
551
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:18,799
Behind. He threw it so hard,
it went a mile behind him.
552
00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:22,519
And it hit Mufasa.
553
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,319
Wise, strong Mufasa, Simba's dad.
554
00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:27,999
It hit him accidentally on the head
and killed him.
555
00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:30,479
But didn't Scar kill Mufasa?
556
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,439
Yeah, in the film.
This is real life, I'm talking about.
557
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,239
So Simba had a choice.
558
00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:37,399
He could either tell his friends
what had happened and create confusion,
559
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:41,559
or keep it a secret and lead all his friends
in a big fight against Scar.
560
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:43,479
What do you think he did?
561
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,199
He had to tell the truth.
562
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,959
But he's got to fight Scar, hasn't he?
563
00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:52,799
Telling the truth means giving up.
564
00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:54,159
Would Simba give up?
565
00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:56,279
- Simba would never give up.
- Exactly.
566
00:31:57,160 --> 00:31:58,559
Exactly. So...
567
00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:02,399
Simba kept it all a secret.
568
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:05,439
And he led Pumbaa and Timon
and all his friends,
569
00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:09,319
he led them all in a fight against Scar.
570
00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:11,039
And he vanquished Scar,
571
00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:13,279
and Simba became the new Lion King.
572
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,239
- Yes.
- Yeah.
573
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:20,159
Bedtime for you,
574
00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:21,679
soldier.
575
00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:27,479
(Omar) All right, lads, this is it.
576
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:30,639
This is it, boys.
577
00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:34,359
I've spoken to the emir.
I have, and...
578
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:36,039
How did you do that?
579
00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:43,119
Email drop box and the children's
instant messaging site, Party Puffin.
580
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:44,599
I've been on that.
581
00:32:44,720 --> 00:32:46,439
- Good, Waj.
- Proper good.
582
00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,959
(Barry) Do we have to be puffins as well?
583
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:51,479
Yeah, I'll give you all usernames
and passwords after this meeting.
584
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:52,879
I'm not sure I want to be a puffin.
585
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:54,519
You don't have to be
if you don't want to, Barry.
586
00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,759
- Bagsy a blue one, yeah?
- Good, Waj.
587
00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:00,399
Now, I've spoken to him.
588
00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:04,039
My puffin has communicated with his puffin.
589
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:08,559
And he's told us to make some bombs.
590
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:11,359
So we're going to take Faisal's gear
to the secret flat.
591
00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:14,599
We can hide it under the costumes
in Hassan's van.
592
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:17,439
We'll put the bleach on the boil.
593
00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:22,239
We have instructions to bring havoc
to this bullshit, consumerist,
594
00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:24,279
godless, Paki-bashing,
595
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,039
Gordon Ramsay "Taste the Difference"
speciality cheddar,
596
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,199
torture-endorsing,
massacre-sponsoring,
597
00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:33,199
"Look-at-me-dancing-pissed
with-my-nob-out", Sky1 Uncovered,
598
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:35,919
"Who-gives-a-fuck
about-dead-Afghanis?" Disneyland.
599
00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:37,879
- Mashallah!
- Mashallah, brother Omar.
600
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:39,879
- Mashallah.
- (Waj) Fuck mini Babybels.
601
00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:43,999
Puffin says, "Find a target."
602
00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:45,799
Well, we got a target, bro.
We're all agreed.
603
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:47,679
(Omar) What is it?
604
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:49,439
- It's the mosque.
- What?
605
00:33:49,560 --> 00:33:50,999
Bomb the mosque,
606
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,919
radicalise the moderates,
bring it all on.
607
00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:57,599
OK, right. No, I like that.
I do like that, that's brilliant.
608
00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:00,479
Let's take out a bunch of Muslims
because they're the real enemy.
609
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,359
Once we've done that,
why don't we truck-bomb a kebab shop
610
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:06,199
and fly a jumbo jet
into Waj's mum's head?
611
00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:10,039
Why don't we get a pig
and staple-gun it to our foreheads?
612
00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:13,199
But if we bomb the mosque,
it will make all the Muslims rise up.
613
00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:16,559
My cousin, Faz, died,
614
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:19,519
defending a mosque in Bosnia.
615
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:21,319
Did he flipping rise up, bro?
616
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:23,999
Let's bomb Boots.
617
00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:28,359
They sell condoms
that make you want to bang white girls.
618
00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:30,719
- I second that. Boots.
- (Faisal) Right.
619
00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,999
- They nabbed me nicking Lynx display.
- (Omar) Think bigger than a chemist's.
620
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:37,319
I'm not blowing my guts out over
a bunch of tampons and cotton buds.
621
00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:40,159
What we're going to do
has got to last in history,
622
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:41,679
echo through the ages.
623
00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,559
- Like bomb a mosque.
- Barry, we're not bombing a mosque.
624
00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:46,559
You don't get it, do you, Omar?
625
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:48,359
We radicalise the moderates!
626
00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:50,719
The ummah rises up, it all kicks off!
627
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:54,159
I do get it. I'll tell you what it's like.
It's like you're in a fight with someone,
628
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:56,439
and they're punching you
in the face, right?
629
00:34:56,560 --> 00:35:00,039
And so what you go and do is,
you punch yourself in the face.
630
00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:01,199
So what if he's not?
631
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:03,599
I'm having a fight
with this fictionary man,
632
00:35:03,720 --> 00:35:07,799
and he's not punching me hard enough
to make me go mental and win.
633
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:10,559
Let's do an experiment, Barry.
We'll have a fight right now.
634
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:12,679
When you start losing
and you're not doing very well,
635
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,119
you punch yourself in the face,
go mental and start winning.
636
00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:17,519
- Show them all how it works.
- I'm not gonna punch myself.
637
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:19,919
Why not? You're the Muslims.
You're getting attacked.
638
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:23,159
Go fucking mental, Barry.
Show 'em how it works.
639
00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:25,519
- Come on.
- (Barry) I'm not a mosque!
640
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:26,959
This is not how it works!
641
00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:29,439
(Shouting)
642
00:35:29,560 --> 00:35:30,879
Punch yourself, Baz.
643
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:33,479
(Omar) Bomb the mosque, Barry!
Bomb it!
644
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:34,679
Bomb the mosque!
645
00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:37,719
Bomb the mosque, Barry!
646
00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:41,159
He's bombed the mosque!
He's just bombed the mosque!
647
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:43,439
Barry, where are the moderates?
The moderates should be coming now.
648
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,919
Right, if I was a mosque,
which I am not,
649
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,839
then there would be all moderates
behind my nose,
650
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:50,839
bursting to come out and rise up.
651
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:53,319
Would there?
Ooh, they are, bro, eh?
652
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:56,279
Barry, the Sufi Muslim Council's
coming out your nose.
653
00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:59,319
Oh, you've just wiped them out.
You've just wiped them out.
654
00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:02,799
Do you think we should still
bomb the mosque, Barry?
655
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:05,519
- Come back.
- Barry, I got you a J-cloth for the...
656
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:08,639
- Oooh!
- (Omar) Barry!
657
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:10,599
For fuck's sake, Barry!
658
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:31,759
(Rap music)
659
00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:48,119
Oi! Oi!
660
00:36:48,240 --> 00:36:51,359
Turn that off.
There's common areas out there.
661
00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:54,999
We got to play it, Barry.
This is our cover, man. We're a band.
662
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:57,559
- We're a what?
- We're a band.
663
00:36:57,680 --> 00:36:59,359
Bollocks! Turn it off.
664
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:01,639
Bro, turn it off.
665
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:03,399
(Music stops)
666
00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:06,559
What's with the chicken?
667
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:12,279
It's beard protection from the bleach.
668
00:37:12,400 --> 00:37:14,999
Yeah, he's the drummer, man.
669
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:19,079
- Chicken drummer.
- Yeah, Barry.
670
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:22,159
You broke the chicken's beak, didn't you?
Remember?
671
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:24,039
Yeah, Barry, you broke his beak.
672
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:26,919
Yeah, well, I'm sorry,
but beaks get broken in war, don't they?
673
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:28,319
- Do they?
- Yeah, they do.
674
00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:31,999
We're not about protecting beaks,
we're about blowing them off.
675
00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:33,719
Yeah?
676
00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:36,359
Well, go and unload the van.
I'm not doing all the work.
677
00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:41,799
Waj! Waj!
678
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:43,479
Anti-surveillance.
679
00:37:48,240 --> 00:37:50,999
Not you, mate, you're still here.
Get in there.
680
00:37:56,600 --> 00:38:00,079
- What are you doing?
- Just in case they're taking pictures.
681
00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,839
- What?
- Barry says you come out blurry.
682
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:05,479
Right, stop it!
683
00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:07,639
Stop it!
684
00:38:09,880 --> 00:38:12,399
CCTV's a video.
685
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:15,479
You're just gonna look
like a bunch of Sufis on speed.
686
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,559
Next time Barry tells you
to do something, don't.
687
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:27,199
- You all right, Alice? How's it going.
- All right, Wasim? Yeah.
688
00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:28,919
- Are you good?
- Yeah.
689
00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:31,119
- All right, Jason?
- All right.
690
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:33,599
Who's this one?
691
00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:35,039
This is... Claude.
692
00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:37,359
Claude, this is Alice.
She's got the flat next door.
693
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,719
- Hello, Claude.
- Hi.
694
00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:42,559
- What's this?
- Claude's the new member of our band.
695
00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:45,119
- Band?
- He's the new member.
696
00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:47,559
- I used to be in a band.
- Did you?
697
00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:51,959
Yeah.
Until all the birds fell off the roof...
698
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:54,919
I don't know if you remember.
699
00:38:56,480 --> 00:38:59,639
All right, then, Alice,
we'll see you later. Come on, lads.
700
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:01,759
Come through.
701
00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:05,399
- Which one are you?
- Er, Claude.
702
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:07,519
- Claude?
- Yeah.
703
00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:09,199
Are you French?
704
00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:11,439
Yeah.
705
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:13,679
See you.
706
00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:28,239
(Barry) Right, Mister Newsman
in the newsroom, after three.
707
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:30,359
Three, two, one...
708
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:34,399
Yes, it was us.
709
00:39:34,520 --> 00:39:37,439
We have struck you
where you least expected it.
710
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:39,999
We have bombed the mosque.
711
00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:42,879
Only in the days of the final jihad...
712
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:44,479
(Door opens)
713
00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:46,519
What are you doing here?
714
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:48,919
(Hassan) Well, you told us to come round.
715
00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:52,319
We've just come through the back.
Anti-surveillance, like you said.
716
00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:54,239
Right, well, I'm doing my tape.
717
00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:56,119
(Hassan) But we're not bombing the mosque.
718
00:39:56,240 --> 00:39:58,999
- What?
- We're not bombing the mosque.
719
00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:02,559
Look, I'm just doing this tape in case
the plans change to bomb the mosque.
720
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:06,079
If they did change, isn't the whole
point of it to blame it on the kuffar
721
00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:07,599
and not take responsibility for it?
722
00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:10,839
What do you know about it?
It was my idea in the first place, not yours!
723
00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:13,479
Now, fuck off!
I'm doing my tape. Go on.
724
00:40:13,600 --> 00:40:14,599
(Omar) All right, Barry?
725
00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:18,079
- What, you're here as well?
- Yeah. Why? What's going on?
726
00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:20,839
(Waj) He said he was going to bomb
the mosque.
727
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:22,399
- (Omar) Did you say that, Barry?
- No.
728
00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:24,119
- (Waj) Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
729
00:40:24,240 --> 00:40:26,999
- (Omar) What did you say, then?
- I said I was gonna bomb something else.
730
00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:29,799
What did you say you were gonna bomb?
731
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:31,839
Hm?
732
00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:33,559
Fuck off!
733
00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:35,079
Fuck off out of my house!
734
00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:38,199
Oh, Barry, you moron.
735
00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:39,319
(Doorbell)
736
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:44,879
- Salaam, Ahmed.
- Alaykum salaam.
737
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:49,279
- Omar, it's your brother. Come in.
- No, I'm OK.
738
00:40:49,400 --> 00:40:52,199
- Just come in and sit down.
- (Speaks Urdu)
739
00:40:52,320 --> 00:40:53,679
- Salaam Alaykum.
- Alaykum salaam.
740
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:54,759
(Speaks Urdu)
741
00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:58,239
- Just come in and sit down.
- (Speaks Urdu)
742
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:01,479
I'm not in the same room.
You can come in.
743
00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:03,159
You are.
744
00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:04,679
(Sofia) I'm not.
745
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:06,479
The wall has been taken out, so you are.
746
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:07,999
(Omar snorts)
747
00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:11,319
Have you come to drop some fatwas,
cos we've just had the carpet cleaned?
748
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:17,079
Not in this house, bro.
749
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,439
- Freeze or I'll blow your guts out.
- All right, go easy.
750
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:21,799
OK. Right, come on!
751
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:23,479
You've got 30 seconds!
752
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:27,759
- What are you teaching him, Omar?
- It's a water pistol. Have you lost it?
753
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,439
Have you got 150 quotes from scholars
saying we can't squirt a water pistol?
754
00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:34,839
There is no justification
for what you are planning.
755
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:36,919
- What am I planning, bro?
- You tell me.
756
00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:38,999
- Want to know what I am planning?
- Yeah.
757
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:44,359
Sure you can handle it, bro?
Yeah? You ready?
758
00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:46,919
It's not a proper plan yet, yeah?
759
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:48,719
But I'm thinking, inshallah,
760
00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:51,479
I'm going to go upstairs
and run a hot bath, right?
761
00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:53,839
Then come back down
and make beans on toast. I'm proper hungry.
762
00:41:53,960 --> 00:41:55,479
- Very funny.
- What?
763
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:01,919
Is it, bro? Have you got opinions to back that up?
764
00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:04,079
I have got 18 opinions, all very good ones.
765
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,599
You know what? It's not Top Trumps.
Muslims are getting pasted and you go,
766
00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:10,239
"I've got 60,000 opinions
saying we can't fight back.
767
00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:14,199
"We must measure our beard with a ruler
and lock our wives in cupboard!"
768
00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:17,119
That's not a joke, is it, bro?
769
00:42:17,240 --> 00:42:19,959
It is not a cupboard, it is a small room.
770
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:23,199
Oh, come on. It was a flipping toilet
till you took the china out.
771
00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:24,879
I don't argue with women.
772
00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:27,599
No, you don't.
You lock 'em in a cupboard.
773
00:42:27,720 --> 00:42:29,079
Omar, your wife is out of control.
774
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,119
I don't know how to control her.
Help me out.
775
00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:34,319
Am I... Am I out of control? Ooh.
776
00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:36,799
- (She laughs)
- Do it again. He won't fight back.
777
00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:38,799
- (Sofia) What am I like? I'm out of control.
- Obey me, wife. Obey me.
778
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:40,039
Go and do it.
779
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,639
- Fight back, brother!
- (Sofia shrieks)
780
00:42:42,760 --> 00:42:44,239
What's all the violence, brother?
781
00:42:44,360 --> 00:42:48,119
- (Sofia) Are you fighting back? In self-defence?
- This is not fighting.
782
00:42:48,240 --> 00:42:51,799
- By the law of Sharia, I am not fighting.
- (Omar) You're a proper Mujahid!
783
00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:53,199
By the law...
784
00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,639
- I am not fighting.
- You're so violent, bro!
785
00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:57,919
(Both laugh)
786
00:42:58,040 --> 00:42:59,279
Hey, Omar.
787
00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:01,959
- You're terrible, you are.
- I'm out of control.
788
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:03,479
Aren't you, eh?
789
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:25,599
- That's twice as much, bro.
- This one's gonna leave a mark.
790
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:30,199
Just drop it.
791
00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:38,039
- Ooh!
- (Waj laughs)
792
00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:39,119
(Hassan) Shit, man!
793
00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:42,199
- Come on, bro. Give me that.
- Jew.
794
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:43,639
Gay.
795
00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:45,439
Fed.
796
00:43:46,720 --> 00:43:48,679
Sodomite.
797
00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:50,439
Gynaecologist.
798
00:43:51,720 --> 00:43:54,199
Innocent bloke. Doesn't exist.
799
00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:58,119
Leonard Cohen.
Here, you give me that.
800
00:43:58,240 --> 00:44:00,279
You do some work.
801
00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:06,519
(Hassan) This one's gonna be
like a grenade, man.
802
00:44:06,640 --> 00:44:09,319
- (Waj) Oh, bro.
- Here, watch this.
803
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:10,999
Watch this, bro!
804
00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:18,199
(Waj laughs)
805
00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:22,679
Come on, lads. Why don't we just
pick up the phone and call the cops?
806
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:24,679
Right? Come on.
807
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:28,159
- (Hassan) Sorry, man.
- Sorry, bro.
808
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:30,119
(Faisal) We don't have to use that
on ourselves, do we, Barry?
809
00:44:30,240 --> 00:44:32,319
- Course we do, bro.
- But it's our choice, right?
810
00:44:32,440 --> 00:44:34,519
- Fess? Fess?
- What?
811
00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:37,599
It is your choice.
Right? It can only be your choice.
812
00:44:37,720 --> 00:44:40,079
Right, yeah.
813
00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:42,199
- Fess. Fess.
- What?
814
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:44,679
It is your choice, right,
815
00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:47,119
but you've chosen
to blow yourself up, haven't you?
816
00:44:50,520 --> 00:44:52,119
Haven't you?
817
00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:58,399
(Faisal) Mashallah, brother Crow.
818
00:44:58,520 --> 00:45:00,039
Mashallah.
819
00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:04,159
You're doing this, right,
to save brother Faisal.
820
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:07,959
And I know it's come
as a bit of a shock to you,
821
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:10,439
but everything will be all right.
822
00:45:10,560 --> 00:45:14,519
Yeah? OK.
You see that over there?
823
00:45:14,640 --> 00:45:15,639
That...
824
00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:19,959
That's a sex shop. Right?
825
00:45:20,080 --> 00:45:23,239
A US embassy,
or some other such slag utility.
826
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:26,999
Right, now wait there.
827
00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:30,439
When I say, you fly to the target.
828
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:33,599
When I dial this,
you go to heaven, brother Crow.
829
00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:37,959
Inshallah.
830
00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:05,399
(Hassan makes bomb noises)
831
00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:06,599
Yeah.
832
00:46:06,720 --> 00:46:09,759
What's that?
What's that, Mrs Thistle?
833
00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:11,719
No, I don't want to resit
my media studies.
834
00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:14,959
Stupid Mrs Thistle,
I don't want to retake it.
835
00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:18,119
You know why?
Cos I've found a new purpose in life.
836
00:46:18,240 --> 00:46:21,479
And here it is. Eat that shit!
837
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:24,719
Eat that. Eat that. You fuck...
838
00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:28,119
Come on, lads. Let's go.
Salaam alaykum.
839
00:46:28,240 --> 00:46:31,559
- Alaykum salaam.
- You all right? Where are they?
840
00:46:31,680 --> 00:46:34,559
They've all gone, man.
They're using the fireworks for cover.
841
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:37,679
Yeah, I know that. That was my idea.
Why didn't they wait for me?
842
00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:40,359
- Barry said that you said, "Go ahead."
- Did he?
843
00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:42,679
- I'm just on night shift.
- Yeah, you are, bro.
844
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:46,079
If anybody comes knocking for Barry,
tell them you used to know him...
845
00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:55,159
Can I come?
846
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:07,399
(Barry) Don't drop it, you prick!
847
00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:10,959
(Waj) Brother Faisal, if you drop this,
we're baked beans from here to Derby.
848
00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:14,799
- Slowly, slowly.
- (Faisal) Oh!
849
00:47:14,920 --> 00:47:15,919
- It's good.
- All right.
850
00:47:16,040 --> 00:47:19,119
- (Waj) Good, good.
- (Faisal) Let's get out of here.
851
00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:21,919
- (Waj) OK.
- (Barry) Come on. I'm gonna blow it.
852
00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:23,719
- Ready?
- (Faisal) All right.
853
00:47:26,160 --> 00:47:27,639
(Waj) Is it gonna be loud?
854
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:41,399
(Waj) Did you see that?
855
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:44,799
Fucking good, Barry. Fucking good.
That were proper good!
856
00:47:45,640 --> 00:47:47,759
- (Omar) Well done, Barry.
- (Barry) What's up?
857
00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:49,999
Did you miss it, bro?
Did you miss it, bro?
858
00:47:52,160 --> 00:47:55,559
I told you before, Barry, didn't I?
What were you lads playing at?
859
00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:59,719
- Why didn't you call me, Waj? Eh?
- I didn't have no credit.
860
00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:05,519
This breaks anti-surveillance protocol.
We shouldn't be back here till tomorrow.
861
00:48:05,640 --> 00:48:08,239
The protocol is that you were supposed
to stay here and guard the flat, Barry,
862
00:48:08,360 --> 00:48:10,279
cos there's a good chance
that you are being monitored.
863
00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:13,799
Is that an Islamic argument, brother?
I only listen to Islamic arguments.
864
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:15,839
That was my microwave, Barry.
I had it ten years, that Matsui.
865
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:17,319
I should've been there.
866
00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:19,519
Your microwave
has been well sacrificed.
867
00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:21,999
Don't screw with my jihad.
I'm telling you for the last time.
868
00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:24,639
- Your jihad? You said "my jihad".
- Our jihad. Don't screw with it.
869
00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:26,519
- Our jihad.
- What did he say, Fess?
870
00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:28,879
- Did he say "my jihad"?
- What difference does it make?
871
00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:32,639
- You said "my jihad".
- So what? This is such a small thing.
872
00:48:32,760 --> 00:48:33,959
(Waj) Hey!
873
00:48:34,080 --> 00:48:35,599
Come and have a look at this.
874
00:48:35,720 --> 00:48:38,559
(| "Dancing In The Moonlight"
plays on the stereo)
875
00:48:40,120 --> 00:48:42,479
| Dancing in the moonlight
876
00:48:42,600 --> 00:48:47,119
| Everybody's feeling warm and bright...
877
00:48:47,240 --> 00:48:49,399
(Both sing along)
878
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:50,519
Hass!
879
00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:52,759
Claude!
880
00:48:58,240 --> 00:48:59,119
Shit!
881
00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:02,199
(Music stops)
882
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:10,599
Right, it's time to go now, Alice.
883
00:49:10,720 --> 00:49:12,759
Why? What's going on?
884
00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:14,439
Nothing. We just need you to go.
885
00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:20,599
Oh.
886
00:49:20,720 --> 00:49:23,519
Oh, I get it.
I know what's going on here.
887
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:28,519
I know what you lot are.
888
00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:32,719
You lot...
889
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:34,759
are a bunch of Paki-bashers.
890
00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:41,679
- What?
- Mountie boys. Gays.
891
00:49:42,800 --> 00:49:45,559
- (Omar) Yes, we are so gay.
- (Waj) I'm not.
892
00:49:45,680 --> 00:49:47,159
Yes, you are. We all are.
893
00:49:47,280 --> 00:49:49,959
But mainly it's these two.
Isn't it, Norman?
894
00:49:53,240 --> 00:49:55,399
- Yes.
- Yeah, you love it, don't you?
895
00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:58,199
We've got to get down
to some gay business now, all of us.
896
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:05,239
You lot aren't my friends any more.
897
00:50:11,160 --> 00:50:12,879
Safe, is he?
898
00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:16,999
She didn't see anything, man.
I swear to God, she didn't see the...
899
00:50:17,120 --> 00:50:19,719
The bolts and the...
I'll sort this out.
900
00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:22,479
I'll sort it out, man.
Just give me a minute.
901
00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:24,159
I'll go down and sort this shit out.
902
00:50:24,280 --> 00:50:26,359
You are going to sort it out
cos you're going to kill her.
903
00:50:26,480 --> 00:50:27,479
Kill her?
904
00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:31,319
We're gonna kill her?
905
00:50:31,440 --> 00:50:33,279
Not us, Waj. Hass.
906
00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:36,639
You want me to kill her?
907
00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:40,519
What, you can fuck her but you can't kill her?
What's wrong with you?
908
00:50:45,920 --> 00:50:48,799
Give him your pocket knife, Barry.
909
00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:51,839
There we go. There. Knife and fork.
Make a fucking meal of it.
910
00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:57,599
I'm not joking, bro.
Do I look like I'm joking?
911
00:50:57,720 --> 00:50:59,279
No. Now go on your way.
912
00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:11,159
How do I do it?
913
00:51:11,280 --> 00:51:13,919
Cut her head off
and bring it back in a bucket.
914
00:51:14,600 --> 00:51:15,599
Chop her head off?
915
00:51:15,720 --> 00:51:18,599
We're not really gonna kill her, are we?
You fucking idiot!
916
00:51:18,720 --> 00:51:20,599
Why don't we just call up the pigs
and dob ourselves in.
917
00:51:20,720 --> 00:51:23,319
That'd be clever.
A body on our hands to trail back to us.
918
00:51:23,440 --> 00:51:24,719
Shut up!
919
00:51:24,840 --> 00:51:26,559
What are we gonna do with all this?
920
00:51:26,680 --> 00:51:28,639
She's seen it now.
We've got to move it now.
921
00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:31,039
- We're gonna put it in Barry's allotment.
- We'll put it...
922
00:51:31,160 --> 00:51:32,959
Shut up, Barry. Solved.
Problem solved.
923
00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:34,919
Daddy's come home
and wiped everyone's arse, hasn't he?
924
00:51:35,040 --> 00:51:38,679
That's what jihad's about.
It's me wiping your arses.
925
00:51:38,800 --> 00:51:40,719
Oh, sorry. One minute. Hello, Gaza?
926
00:51:40,840 --> 00:51:44,399
Yeah, Omar would love to come
and help but he can't, he's really busy
927
00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:46,839
wiping up the fountains of shit
spraying out the arses of these...
928
00:51:53,120 --> 00:51:54,919
OK, thank you.
929
00:52:00,480 --> 00:52:02,279
Who were on the phone?
930
00:52:05,520 --> 00:52:06,919
(Engine judders)
931
00:52:08,400 --> 00:52:09,399
Slow down, please.
932
00:52:13,440 --> 00:52:15,839
(Omar) Get us there in one piece, Barry.
Go easy.
933
00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:18,879
Go easy!
934
00:52:19,000 --> 00:52:20,399
(Omar curses)
935
00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:22,879
(All) Oh! Oh!
936
00:52:23,000 --> 00:52:25,199
Don't rattle the stuff, Barry.
Slow down, man.
937
00:52:25,320 --> 00:52:26,919
Use your eyes, boys.
We've got a predator.
938
00:52:27,040 --> 00:52:29,319
What, the milk float?
939
00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:32,399
- That's a milk float!
- The Feds work undercover, you mug!
940
00:52:32,520 --> 00:52:33,559
(Car rumbles)
941
00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:34,679
(Barry) No, no.
942
00:52:34,800 --> 00:52:36,799
No, no!
943
00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:39,599
No, don't do this to me!
944
00:52:39,720 --> 00:52:41,079
Come on!
945
00:52:41,200 --> 00:52:42,759
(Engine cuts out)
946
00:52:42,880 --> 00:52:44,239
(Bang)
947
00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:46,839
Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck!
948
00:52:48,080 --> 00:52:50,519
Fuck, fuck, fuck it!
949
00:52:52,720 --> 00:52:54,399
- Did you fix this, then, Barry?
- Yes, I fixed it!
950
00:52:54,520 --> 00:52:57,079
- Did you?
- It's the parts. They're Jewish.
951
00:52:57,200 --> 00:52:59,159
What parts in a car are Jewish?
952
00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:05,559
- (Faisal) Spark plugs?
- (Barry) Spark plugs.
953
00:53:05,680 --> 00:53:08,799
Jews invented spark plugs
to control global traffic.
954
00:53:10,600 --> 00:53:13,639
Right, everybody calm down.
We're gonna grab the gear and walk.
955
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:17,119
All right, but check the roofs, boys.
There could still be an ambush.
956
00:53:17,240 --> 00:53:19,839
Careful, careful with that. Watch out.
957
00:53:22,240 --> 00:53:24,759
Easy does it. Just act natural. OK?
958
00:53:27,160 --> 00:53:29,359
(Barry) One jolt and this stuff could go, right?
959
00:53:29,480 --> 00:53:31,839
You got to run smooth, right?
960
00:53:31,960 --> 00:53:34,479
You got to run fast,
but you got to run smooth, right?
961
00:53:34,600 --> 00:53:35,959
Like this, right?
962
00:53:36,080 --> 00:53:39,559
This is fast but slow,
smooth but fast.
963
00:53:39,680 --> 00:53:42,999
Barry, we're fine! Lads, we're fine!
There's no need for any of this.
964
00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:45,719
We're fine, are we?
We're fucking surrounded. Look.
965
00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:47,639
- (Omar) Everybody get off the road.
- Omar!
966
00:53:47,760 --> 00:53:50,719
Anybody talks, I'm gonna make them
jump up and down till they go bang.
967
00:53:50,840 --> 00:53:54,359
Just keep your mouths shut
and let me deal with this, all right?
968
00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:57,119
Hey, man. How's it going?
969
00:53:57,240 --> 00:53:59,479
Nice little one-pack
you got going on there, bro.
970
00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:00,879
You're a pint of sauce, Omar.
971
00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:04,079
Have you managed to run a mile yet
without stopping for a milkshake?
972
00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:07,039
- Make that 12 miles, Mr Khan. All right, lads?
- All right.
973
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:09,199
What's with the bags?
974
00:54:09,320 --> 00:54:10,399
- Shopping.
- Marzipan.
975
00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:11,719
- Toys.
- Chicken.
976
00:54:13,440 --> 00:54:16,079
- We're about to go and play football.
- Yeah?
977
00:54:16,200 --> 00:54:18,319
We should grab all this kit
and head down there to the pitch.
978
00:54:18,440 --> 00:54:20,119
- (Matt) Yeah.
- (Omar) All right, bro.
979
00:54:20,240 --> 00:54:21,719
Right. See you in a bit, man.
980
00:54:24,040 --> 00:54:26,919
Hey, lads. Wait, look.
You forgot this.
981
00:54:27,040 --> 00:54:28,599
- Hey! Hey!
- Aahh!
982
00:54:31,520 --> 00:54:32,519
(Nervous laughter)
983
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:34,199
What's that?
984
00:54:34,320 --> 00:54:37,239
That bag's full of really fragile...
985
00:54:37,360 --> 00:54:39,279
boots.
986
00:54:39,400 --> 00:54:42,879
- Are they all right?
- Yeah. That's just thigh exercises.
987
00:54:44,360 --> 00:54:47,119
- What?
- Quad squats. You know, squat jogs.
988
00:54:47,240 --> 00:54:50,479
It's just... It's for the marathon.
I thought you'd know.
989
00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:53,519
- Yeah? Squat jogs?
- Yeah.
990
00:54:54,200 --> 00:54:55,639
All right, man. See you in a bit.
991
00:54:55,760 --> 00:54:56,879
Like that.
992
00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:58,639
- Squat jogs, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
993
00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:00,919
- Down?
- Bit lower.
994
00:55:01,040 --> 00:55:02,759
- Safe-age, mate!
- All right, man.
995
00:55:07,240 --> 00:55:08,919
- Take care, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
996
00:55:27,920 --> 00:55:31,079
- (Waj) All right, brothers?
- Oh, Alhamdulillah, bro.
997
00:55:31,200 --> 00:55:32,399
- Yeah.
- We skilled it.
998
00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:33,519
Where's Faisal?
999
00:55:34,280 --> 00:55:37,119
Hey, boys.
Boys, come and have a look at this.
1000
00:55:38,240 --> 00:55:39,679
Can you see him?
1001
00:55:39,800 --> 00:55:41,359
(Hassan laughs)
1002
00:55:41,480 --> 00:55:43,199
(Barry) Hey, bro!
1003
00:55:43,320 --> 00:55:44,639
Run!
1004
00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:47,479
(Waj) Hey, brother Faisal!
1005
00:55:47,600 --> 00:55:48,919
Over the wall, Faisal!
1006
00:55:49,040 --> 00:55:52,199
- (Waj) Yeah, run faster, bro!
- (Barry) Yeah, but not too fast!
1007
00:56:26,880 --> 00:56:28,279
Where is he?
1008
00:56:50,160 --> 00:56:53,279
- It was a martyr's death.
- Gone to paradise, innit, brother Omar?
1009
00:56:54,600 --> 00:56:58,319
- (Barry) He disrupted the infrastructure.
- How did he do that?
1010
00:56:59,360 --> 00:57:01,159
He took out a sheep.
1011
00:57:02,080 --> 00:57:03,879
Magnificently took it right out.
1012
00:57:06,280 --> 00:57:07,279
Did he?
1013
00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:12,799
- Attacked the food supply.
- Some of it's in there... with him.
1014
00:57:12,920 --> 00:57:15,639
- What?
- I couldn't separate it.
1015
00:57:18,040 --> 00:57:22,079
So what is he, lads?
Is he a martyr or is he a fucking jalfrezi?
1016
00:57:22,200 --> 00:57:24,919
- He's a martyr.
- Right, this is bullshit!
1017
00:57:25,040 --> 00:57:27,519
- He is not a martyr.
- Yes, he is. He's part of the war.
1018
00:57:27,640 --> 00:57:30,159
What war?
The war on kuffar sheep?
1019
00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:33,599
- He's the first hero of the final jihad.
- He's not a hero, he's a dickhead.
1020
00:57:33,720 --> 00:57:35,839
And so are you, you're all dickheads.
1021
00:57:35,960 --> 00:57:37,639
Whoa, brother. That is out of order.
1022
00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:41,279
I've made a decision, Barry.
The mission's off.
1023
00:57:41,400 --> 00:57:44,319
It's finished, I'm done with this.
1024
00:57:44,440 --> 00:57:47,399
(Barry) You can't handle the war, brother.
You're having a wobble.
1025
00:57:47,520 --> 00:57:49,959
I've got nothing to have a wobble about.
My conscience is clear.
1026
00:57:50,080 --> 00:57:51,799
- You're the one who killed Faisal!
- I didn't kill him!
1027
00:57:51,920 --> 00:57:53,879
Yes, you did, you brought TV Paki in
1028
00:57:54,000 --> 00:57:55,799
after you saw him
making an arse out of himself
1029
00:57:55,920 --> 00:57:58,279
at a public meeting
you shouldn't even have been at.
1030
00:57:58,400 --> 00:57:59,839
And he blew our cover.
1031
00:57:59,960 --> 00:58:01,999
Ever since then,
you've had everybody so paranoid,
1032
00:58:02,120 --> 00:58:04,719
poor little Faisal's
panicked himself to death.
1033
00:58:04,840 --> 00:58:07,559
- So really Hassan killed him.
- No, you killed him.
1034
00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:09,919
No, you killed him.
You heard what he said.
1035
00:58:10,040 --> 00:58:13,199
- You killed him more.
- I thought it was a good thing he died.
1036
00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:15,319
Isn't he a martyr?
It's a good thing, right?
1037
00:58:17,120 --> 00:58:18,679
All right, I did kill him, then.
1038
00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:21,719
I martyred him. He's up there now,
keeping my seat warm.
1039
00:58:24,920 --> 00:58:28,119
- Come on, our kid, let's go.
- I think I martyred him a bit, too.
1040
00:58:28,240 --> 00:58:29,879
What?
1041
00:58:30,000 --> 00:58:32,999
- We got to keep on.
- You got a plan, Waj?
1042
00:58:34,480 --> 00:58:37,599
- Blow something up.
- What are we going to blow up, Waj?
1043
00:58:38,920 --> 00:58:40,879
Internet.
1044
00:58:41,000 --> 00:58:43,839
We'll blow up the internet
for brother Faisal.
1045
00:58:43,960 --> 00:58:45,599
We're mujahid, brother, yeah?
1046
00:58:45,720 --> 00:58:47,119
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, yeah?
1047
00:58:47,240 --> 00:58:49,319
You're not a mujahid.
You're a fucking idiot.
1048
00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:52,639
Do you think a real mujahid gives a fuck
about Rubber Dinghy Rapids
1049
00:58:52,760 --> 00:58:54,919
and gets his deen from
The Cat That Went To Mecca,
1050
00:58:55,040 --> 00:58:57,759
a book he can't finish
cos it's far too fucking advanced for him?
1051
00:58:57,880 --> 00:59:00,639
I tell you what, I've got a plan for you.
Why don't you go with...
1052
00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:04,519
...and lose yourself in the forest?
1053
00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:22,039
(Male voices)
1054
00:59:39,280 --> 00:59:40,599
Omar!
1055
00:59:44,480 --> 00:59:45,959
Salaam, Omar.
1056
00:59:46,080 --> 00:59:47,719
Salaam alaykum, bro.
1057
00:59:50,520 --> 00:59:54,079
You and your boys look like...
something rubbish.
1058
00:59:54,720 --> 00:59:56,119
You all right, Omar?
1059
00:59:57,680 --> 00:59:59,399
Yeah, yeah. I am, as it goes.
1060
01:00:01,280 --> 01:00:04,439
- Listen, can I ask you something?
- Why not, brother?
1061
01:00:05,760 --> 01:00:08,799
Screw it, doesn't matter.
You've already started doing the face.
1062
01:00:08,920 --> 01:00:10,839
Why not come to our study group, Omar?
1063
01:00:10,960 --> 01:00:13,519
What, and get a four-hour dose of that face?
1064
01:00:13,640 --> 01:00:17,239
The floaty face of the wise bird,
hovering on a million quotes,
1065
01:00:17,360 --> 01:00:20,399
about to do a massive wisdom shit on my head.
1066
01:00:20,520 --> 01:00:21,919
Forget it.
1067
01:00:51,320 --> 01:00:54,639
Omar, what are you doing?
It's the middle of the night.
1068
01:00:55,960 --> 01:00:57,159
What is that?
1069
01:00:57,280 --> 01:01:00,319
- It's a puffin party.
- A what?
1070
01:01:00,440 --> 01:01:02,319
- It's a puffin party.
- A puffin party?
1071
01:01:02,440 --> 01:01:06,159
- I'm talking to Waj's puffin.
- Omar, what are you talking about?
1072
01:01:06,280 --> 01:01:08,839
It's the boys. I've left them.
1073
01:01:08,960 --> 01:01:13,159
Now Hassan's puffin won't talk to me,
Waj's puffin's just told me to piss off,
1074
01:01:13,720 --> 01:01:17,159
Barry's puffin's turned all red
and is hiding under the pirate hat.
1075
01:01:19,240 --> 01:01:21,319
Faisal's dead.
1076
01:01:22,560 --> 01:01:24,439
He's dead. They...
1077
01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:28,959
He was carrying explosives
and he tripped up over a sheep.
1078
01:01:31,440 --> 01:01:33,559
They're total idiots, Sof.
1079
01:01:35,960 --> 01:01:39,159
Well, it must have been God's plan
for him to be blown up on a sheep.
1080
01:01:40,720 --> 01:01:43,639
Come on, Sof.
How can that be God's plan?
1081
01:01:43,760 --> 01:01:47,839
Well, it can't be God's plan
to leave the lads with Barry, can it?
1082
01:01:51,760 --> 01:01:53,359
Come here.
1083
01:01:56,600 --> 01:02:00,039
You were much more fun
when you were gonna blow yourself up, love.
1084
01:02:01,560 --> 01:02:04,079
I am gonna blow myself up, right?
1085
01:02:04,200 --> 01:02:08,279
Just not in a mosque
or in a chemist's or on top of a duck.
1086
01:02:08,400 --> 01:02:12,319
Right, well, if they're gonna blow
themselves up in the wrong place,
1087
01:02:12,440 --> 01:02:15,879
you've got to make sure
you all blow up in the right place.
1088
01:02:17,760 --> 01:02:21,319
Sof, I can't even get them to stir their tea
without smashing a window.
1089
01:02:21,440 --> 01:02:25,079
What does your heart say, hmm?
1090
01:02:25,200 --> 01:02:26,919
God's in your heart, Dad.
1091
01:02:27,040 --> 01:02:29,239
Oi, you, come here.
1092
01:02:30,720 --> 01:02:32,559
Sorry, I heard talking.
1093
01:02:33,840 --> 01:02:36,359
Can we finish off
the story about Simba's jihad?
1094
01:02:36,480 --> 01:02:38,959
Yeah, we can do that tomorrow.
Come on, off to bed.
1095
01:02:39,080 --> 01:02:40,919
Does he become a martyr, eh, Dad?
1096
01:02:42,960 --> 01:02:45,959
Don't you worry,
cos even if he gets blown to bits,
1097
01:02:46,080 --> 01:02:47,479
he's gonna die smiling.
1098
01:02:47,600 --> 01:02:50,799
- He'll go straight to heaven.
- Yeah.
1099
01:02:50,920 --> 01:02:53,479
He'll be in heaven
before his head hits the ceiling.
1100
01:03:09,280 --> 01:03:14,759
An Asian man's head was found less
than 2 miles from the city centre today.
1101
01:03:14,880 --> 01:03:17,879
Steven Fap discovered
the Asian man's head
1102
01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:20,719
when it nearly fell onto his dog out of a tree.
1103
01:03:20,840 --> 01:03:23,359
A head fell out of the tree
and nearly hit my dog.
1104
01:03:23,480 --> 01:03:25,439
The man has not been identified,
1105
01:03:25,560 --> 01:03:29,999
but it seems that he may have died
while trying to cause an explosion.
1106
01:03:39,120 --> 01:03:41,279
- Yo, Matt... Is Matt here?
- He's in the back.
1107
01:03:41,400 --> 01:03:43,399
- Terry, step outside, bro.
- Say that again.
1108
01:03:43,520 --> 01:03:45,199
I need you to go outside.
Get a doughnut.
1109
01:03:45,320 --> 01:03:48,559
- I've got one.
- Get another one.
1110
01:03:48,680 --> 01:03:49,999
- Matt?
- Oh, thanks!
1111
01:03:50,120 --> 01:03:51,239
- Omar?
- Yeah, mate.
1112
01:03:51,360 --> 01:03:53,999
- Can you can help me with this?
- I got to ask you something first.
1113
01:03:54,120 --> 01:03:55,999
I booked a clown and they gave me this.
1114
01:03:56,120 --> 01:03:58,599
It's the wrong way up.
I can't run in a wrong-way-up clown!
1115
01:03:58,720 --> 01:04:00,039
They said, "You ordered it."
1116
01:04:00,160 --> 01:04:02,159
- Why would I order a wrong-way-up clown?
- It's fine.
1117
01:04:02,280 --> 01:04:04,599
- I can sort you out.
- I didn't even know what one was.
1118
01:04:04,720 --> 01:04:07,359
I can sort you out with another costume
so you can do the marathon.
1119
01:04:07,480 --> 01:04:10,639
I said, "You're gonna cause
a pile-up at the marathon with me
1120
01:04:10,760 --> 01:04:13,679
"flat to my arse in a costume
I can't even bloody believe exists."
1121
01:04:13,800 --> 01:04:17,119
I've got you a rabbit costume at home.
You can run the marathon in that.
1122
01:04:17,240 --> 01:04:18,879
- Can I run in a rabbit?
- Course you can.
1123
01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:21,519
It's amazing. It's a rabbit, right?
Panic over. Done?
1124
01:04:21,640 --> 01:04:23,599
- Yes, I'm sorry.
- I've got to ask you something.
1125
01:04:23,720 --> 01:04:25,559
Have you?
Have you seen the news?
1126
01:04:25,680 --> 01:04:27,719
- Yeah, the head.
- What do you know about that?
1127
01:04:27,840 --> 01:04:30,199
Well, they're just saying it's jihadi.
1128
01:04:30,320 --> 01:04:32,759
They've got him.
Filmed him blowing up a crow.
1129
01:04:33,680 --> 01:04:37,559
Its not jihadi, though, is it, Omar,
blowing up a crow?
1130
01:04:38,360 --> 01:04:39,359
Omar?
1131
01:04:40,360 --> 01:04:44,079
No, it's a cultural thing. We bazooka-ed
an ostrich at that wedding I was at.
1132
01:04:44,200 --> 01:04:47,559
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I... I've got to go, Matt.
1133
01:04:52,840 --> 01:04:53,839
(Knock at door)
1134
01:04:53,960 --> 01:04:54,959
(Waj) Shit!
1135
01:04:56,920 --> 01:04:58,319
God help us.
1136
01:05:01,160 --> 01:05:02,439
(Knocking)
1137
01:05:02,560 --> 01:05:06,119
- (Hassan) That's the police, man.
- (Barry) All right. Arm yourselves.
1138
01:05:07,240 --> 01:05:08,879
All right?
1139
01:05:09,640 --> 01:05:10,959
- Oi.
- (Omar) Get out of my way, Barry.
1140
01:05:11,520 --> 01:05:15,159
Oi! Fuck off out the back door!
You're not part of this now.
1141
01:05:15,280 --> 01:05:17,959
Lads, this is an emergency.
They found Faisal's head.
1142
01:05:18,080 --> 01:05:20,759
The head that you buried 5 feet
underneath your shed
1143
01:05:20,880 --> 01:05:22,599
fell out of a tree onto a dog.
1144
01:05:22,720 --> 01:05:24,519
Good. Dogs contradict Islam.
1145
01:05:24,640 --> 01:05:26,199
Dibble is onto us, lads.
1146
01:05:26,840 --> 01:05:29,839
- Dibble is on to us.
- I told you, it was a knee.
1147
01:05:29,960 --> 01:05:31,759
(Barry) That was a head.
It was obviously a head.
1148
01:05:31,880 --> 01:05:32,999
It had a hinge!
1149
01:05:34,080 --> 01:05:36,039
Right. So, I've just seen Matt.
1150
01:05:36,160 --> 01:05:38,479
Matt is running
the London marathon tomorrow.
1151
01:05:38,600 --> 01:05:40,079
He's doing it in costume.
1152
01:05:40,200 --> 01:05:42,039
You know they run in costume?
Well, so can we.
1153
01:05:42,160 --> 01:05:44,879
We can disguise the gear in there
and it's perfect.
1154
01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:47,719
We've got live TV,
prime targets all along the road.
1155
01:05:47,840 --> 01:05:49,759
We've got a target, Omar.
It's the mosque.
1156
01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:50,879
(Omar) When you meet God,
1157
01:05:51,000 --> 01:05:53,519
do you want to tell him,
"I struck a blow for the brothers"?
1158
01:05:53,640 --> 01:05:57,239
- Or "I blew a load of them up"?
- Blew a load of 'em up. He'll love that.
1159
01:05:57,360 --> 01:05:59,599
Come on, lads. Waj?
1160
01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:01,879
I'm not on your side any more, brother Omar.
1161
01:06:03,840 --> 01:06:06,239
- You ripped me up, bro.
- Mashallah.
1162
01:06:06,360 --> 01:06:07,759
Waj, bro...
1163
01:06:09,200 --> 01:06:10,919
I'm really sorry.
1164
01:06:11,040 --> 01:06:13,279
My head was in a mess cos of Faisal.
1165
01:06:14,720 --> 01:06:16,559
I should've stayed.
1166
01:06:18,040 --> 01:06:19,559
Why didn't you, then?
1167
01:06:19,680 --> 01:06:21,159
Cos I made a mistake.
1168
01:06:21,280 --> 01:06:24,399
But you didn't. You listened to your heart
and you did the right thing.
1169
01:06:26,400 --> 01:06:29,839
No, ignore him, Waj. He's being nice.
1170
01:06:29,960 --> 01:06:32,279
You cannot win an argument
just by being nice.
1171
01:06:32,400 --> 01:06:34,999
Not just by being nice, Baz.
I'm right as well, aren't I?
1172
01:06:35,120 --> 01:06:37,199
You cannot win an argument
just by being right.
1173
01:06:38,400 --> 01:06:40,039
- No?
- No. No way.
1174
01:06:41,160 --> 01:06:44,199
- I think maybe you can, Barry?
- Who asked you, fuck-brain?
1175
01:06:51,760 --> 01:06:54,199
Barry's not a good emir, brother Omar.
1176
01:06:54,320 --> 01:06:56,959
He made me do bad stuff in the woods.
1177
01:06:57,080 --> 01:06:58,479
Like what?
1178
01:07:00,320 --> 01:07:03,559
He said, if I was a proper mujahid,
1179
01:07:03,680 --> 01:07:05,479
I'd wiz in my own mouth.
1180
01:07:06,640 --> 01:07:09,719
You made him wee in his own gob?
1181
01:07:10,600 --> 01:07:12,519
What is wrong with you, bro?
1182
01:07:12,640 --> 01:07:14,159
It's submission.
It's the rules of submission.
1183
01:07:14,280 --> 01:07:16,519
(Waj) It felt really bad, brother.
1184
01:07:16,640 --> 01:07:18,759
It's not too tricky
once you get the aim right,
1185
01:07:18,880 --> 01:07:21,759
but it just feels like really proper wrong.
1186
01:07:22,760 --> 01:07:25,239
All wee splashing off your teeth.
1187
01:07:30,200 --> 01:07:35,639
Bro, I swear, bro,
I may ask you to blow yourself up
1188
01:07:35,760 --> 01:07:38,239
but I will never ask you
to piss in your own mouth.
1189
01:07:39,760 --> 01:07:41,519
- Yeah?
- Yeah, bro. Promise.
1190
01:07:43,480 --> 01:07:46,359
- No more widdle in my gob.
- Promise, bro.
1191
01:07:48,520 --> 01:07:50,159
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
1192
01:07:52,360 --> 01:07:55,079
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother.
1193
01:07:55,200 --> 01:07:56,799
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
1194
01:08:03,520 --> 01:08:04,799
See this, brother Hass?
1195
01:08:04,920 --> 01:08:07,439
It's gays at work.
It's not Muslims, it's gays.
1196
01:08:07,560 --> 01:08:10,439
OK, brother Hass,
marathon or mosque?
1197
01:08:11,920 --> 01:08:15,399
- Either way, we're gonna blow, right?
- Yeah, to pieces, brother.
1198
01:08:15,520 --> 01:08:18,799
Yeah, but... we die smiling, bro.
1199
01:08:24,640 --> 01:08:26,799
Yeah, wicked.
1200
01:08:26,920 --> 01:08:28,439
Wicked. Yeah, man.
1201
01:08:28,560 --> 01:08:30,879
Let's blow up a load offit slags
at the marathon, yeah?
1202
01:08:31,000 --> 01:08:31,959
(Hassan) Oh, yes!
1203
01:08:32,080 --> 01:08:33,599
(Omar) Yes, bro.
1204
01:08:33,720 --> 01:08:35,159
(Hassan) Wicked. Yes!
1205
01:08:35,280 --> 01:08:36,799
Come on, Barry. We're lions, bro.
1206
01:08:36,920 --> 01:08:38,479
- Four lions.
- (Hassan) Yes!
1207
01:08:38,600 --> 01:08:40,439
Good lad.
1208
01:08:41,720 --> 01:08:42,959
(Shouting)
1209
01:08:43,880 --> 01:08:45,399
Down on the floor!
1210
01:08:47,800 --> 01:08:49,479
(Shouting)
1211
01:09:05,000 --> 01:09:06,559
I'll be two minutes.
1212
01:09:18,840 --> 01:09:20,959
(Sofia) What's it concerning?
1213
01:09:21,080 --> 01:09:23,279
We trying to ascertain the whereabouts
of your brother-in-law.
1214
01:09:23,400 --> 01:09:24,399
Why, what's up?
1215
01:09:24,520 --> 01:09:26,679
Tell us when you saw him last.
1216
01:09:27,800 --> 01:09:29,719
Well...
1217
01:09:29,840 --> 01:09:31,439
I can't remember
the last time I saw him.
1218
01:09:34,360 --> 01:09:36,639
Right, nurse, still on shift? Sorry.
1219
01:09:36,760 --> 01:09:39,879
So, I've got the stats back
from cubicle seven.
1220
01:09:40,000 --> 01:09:42,719
They need some more blood supplies
for the knee.
1221
01:09:42,840 --> 01:09:43,839
The what?
1222
01:09:43,960 --> 01:09:46,599
Yes, the knee string.
The knee string's come off.
1223
01:09:46,720 --> 01:09:48,719
Hm.
1224
01:09:48,840 --> 01:09:50,759
I've finished my shift now.
1225
01:09:50,880 --> 01:09:53,719
So I'm going to take my team
up to the top floor.
1226
01:09:53,840 --> 01:09:54,999
- Right?
- OK.
1227
01:09:55,120 --> 01:09:56,599
So I'll see you up there.
1228
01:09:58,400 --> 01:09:59,679
Yeah?
1229
01:10:01,160 --> 01:10:02,679
- OK.
- Yeah?
1230
01:10:02,800 --> 01:10:05,399
You all right, lads.
You going to arrest me?
1231
01:10:05,520 --> 01:10:06,799
- No, no.
- Carry on.
1232
01:10:06,920 --> 01:10:08,679
OK.
1233
01:10:12,920 --> 01:10:16,879
Right, so your brother-in-law,
when was the last time you saw him?
1234
01:10:17,000 --> 01:10:19,479
(Sofia) Er, like I said, about two months ago.
1235
01:10:31,120 --> 01:10:32,999
(Car stereo plays)
1236
01:10:54,080 --> 01:10:56,479
| Dancing in the moonlight
1237
01:10:56,600 --> 01:11:01,039
| Everybody's feeling warm and bright
1238
01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:04,639
| Such a fine and natural sight
1239
01:11:04,760 --> 01:11:09,159
| Everybody's dancing in the moonlight...
1240
01:11:32,520 --> 01:11:34,319
(Omar) Come on lads, we're late.
1241
01:11:36,720 --> 01:11:38,719
- Is it all right?
- It's all right there now.
1242
01:11:38,840 --> 01:11:40,919
- Yeah.
- Right, we're nearly done, our kid.
1243
01:11:41,040 --> 01:11:42,519
(Waj) Yeah, nearly done.
1244
01:11:42,640 --> 01:11:44,119
- (Omar) OK?
- (Waj) Yeah.
1245
01:11:49,800 --> 01:11:51,239
Mujahid, brothers!
1246
01:11:51,360 --> 01:11:54,279
- (Barry) Mujahid.
- Mujahid, brother Hassan.
1247
01:11:54,400 --> 01:11:55,599
(Hassan) Mujahid!
1248
01:11:59,040 --> 01:12:00,679
Defo right thing, yeah, bro?
1249
01:12:00,800 --> 01:12:02,119
What?
1250
01:12:02,240 --> 01:12:04,439
Blowing up kuffar and that?
1251
01:12:04,560 --> 01:12:06,799
- Totally legit, yeah?
- Yeah.
1252
01:12:06,920 --> 01:12:08,319
Good. Wicked.
1253
01:12:09,240 --> 01:12:11,519
I was just... just checking and that.
1254
01:12:13,200 --> 01:12:16,759
Waj, don't listen to your brain, bro.
1255
01:12:16,880 --> 01:12:20,279
OK? The shaitan,
he gets in there with his wasa-wasa.
1256
01:12:20,400 --> 01:12:24,079
What you've got to do,
you've got to listen to your heart. Remember?
1257
01:12:24,200 --> 01:12:27,799
- My heart. Yeah, brother Omar.
- So, what does your heart say?
1258
01:12:27,920 --> 01:12:29,599
It says, er...
1259
01:12:29,720 --> 01:12:31,719
"It's wrong, Waj, don't do it."
1260
01:12:35,560 --> 01:12:36,959
And what does your brain say?
1261
01:12:41,480 --> 01:12:43,439
"We're here...
1262
01:12:44,840 --> 01:12:47,199
"...together, strapped up,
1263
01:12:47,320 --> 01:12:50,159
"and it would be, like,
well pathetic to cop out now."
1264
01:12:50,280 --> 01:12:52,359
Right, um...
1265
01:12:52,480 --> 01:12:56,079
- So he should listen to his brain.
- No, he's got to listen to his heart, Barry.
1266
01:12:56,200 --> 01:12:59,719
Anyway, this is Waj's brain.
Since when do we listen to Waj's brain?
1267
01:12:59,840 --> 01:13:02,079
- Sorry, bro.
- No, I agree. I'm thick as fudge.
1268
01:13:02,200 --> 01:13:04,879
His brain says do it,
so his brain's got to be right!
1269
01:13:05,560 --> 01:13:08,159
That can't be his brain, right?
That's his heart, Barry.
1270
01:13:08,280 --> 01:13:11,879
- Feels like my brain, brother.
- OK, this is what's happened.
1271
01:13:13,800 --> 01:13:16,199
What's happened is,
the shaitan has confused you.
1272
01:13:17,680 --> 01:13:19,599
He's swapped round
your brain and your heart.
1273
01:13:19,720 --> 01:13:24,159
So, don't listen
to what you think is your heart,
1274
01:13:24,280 --> 01:13:26,079
cos that's actually your brain -
1275
01:13:26,200 --> 01:13:28,959
in disguise as your heart.
1276
01:13:29,080 --> 01:13:31,879
Right? And what you thought
was your brain,
1277
01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:33,999
that's... that's your heart.
1278
01:13:35,800 --> 01:13:37,719
That's actually your heart.
1279
01:13:37,840 --> 01:13:39,519
My brain is my heart.
1280
01:13:39,640 --> 01:13:42,079
You got it, our kid. So just...
1281
01:13:42,600 --> 01:13:43,599
What's up there?
1282
01:13:43,720 --> 01:13:44,799
Heart.
1283
01:13:46,920 --> 01:13:48,759
OK? Yeah? Follow your heart.
1284
01:13:48,880 --> 01:13:50,199
Nice one, brother.
1285
01:13:50,320 --> 01:13:52,919
- Right?
- Nice one. Alhamdulillah.
1286
01:13:54,280 --> 01:13:55,959
- Hey, hey!
- (Omar) What?
1287
01:13:56,600 --> 01:13:58,879
Oh, behn choad!
1288
01:13:59,000 --> 01:14:00,799
We're doing a fun run for a kid's charity.
1289
01:14:00,920 --> 01:14:02,959
Stretches, stretches, stretches.
1290
01:14:03,080 --> 01:14:05,279
- We're running for charity.
- What kind of charity?
1291
01:14:05,400 --> 01:14:06,879
- For kids.
- What kind of kids?
1292
01:14:07,000 --> 01:14:08,119
Policemen's kids.
1293
01:14:09,600 --> 01:14:11,559
You all right, officer?
1294
01:14:11,680 --> 01:14:14,119
- Late for the fun run, lads?
- What's it to you?
1295
01:14:14,240 --> 01:14:18,279
Yeah, we are, actually. Do you know
how we can get to the red zone?
1296
01:14:20,480 --> 01:14:22,479
You can't run in that, can you?
1297
01:14:23,880 --> 01:14:25,879
He just drew the short straw.
1298
01:14:27,160 --> 01:14:28,959
Four short straws were there?
1299
01:14:30,200 --> 01:14:31,679
(Nervous laughter)
1300
01:14:33,520 --> 01:14:35,719
Red zone? It's back down there, left.
1301
01:14:35,840 --> 01:14:39,599
Second left again, then there's marshals.
They'll tell you where to park.
1302
01:14:39,720 --> 01:14:41,119
Thank you.
1303
01:14:42,240 --> 01:14:43,959
You're gonna die in that gear, lads.
1304
01:14:46,600 --> 01:14:48,679
- That's more than likely.
- (Waj) Proper likely.
1305
01:14:48,800 --> 01:14:50,799
(Barry) We're all going to die, yeah.
1306
01:14:50,920 --> 01:14:53,079
It's all for a good cause, though.
1307
01:14:55,840 --> 01:14:57,639
Well, good luck.
1308
01:14:59,520 --> 01:15:01,039
Have a good day.
1309
01:15:01,160 --> 01:15:03,119
(Omar) Everybody OK?
Everybody strapped up?
1310
01:15:03,240 --> 01:15:06,599
Got your detonator on?
Hass, you got your number?
1311
01:15:06,720 --> 01:15:08,399
Hass, have you got your number?
1312
01:15:09,320 --> 01:15:10,239
Hey!
1313
01:15:10,360 --> 01:15:12,039
- Where the fuck has he gone?
- Shit!
1314
01:15:12,160 --> 01:15:13,559
What the fuck's he doing?
1315
01:15:13,680 --> 01:15:15,319
Help! Help!
1316
01:15:15,440 --> 01:15:17,559
- I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!
- Stop!
1317
01:15:18,560 --> 01:15:20,839
- I've got a bomb!
- He's bottled it.
1318
01:15:20,960 --> 01:15:23,039
It's the costume.
The legs make the hands go up.
1319
01:15:23,160 --> 01:15:26,079
- I've got a bomb but it's a mistake!
- No, he said he's got a bomb.
1320
01:15:26,200 --> 01:15:29,119
- (Policeman) You've got a bomb?
- Yeah, but I'm not a bomber!
1321
01:15:29,240 --> 01:15:31,439
Don't worry.
1322
01:15:31,560 --> 01:15:33,559
- This is a fucking bad prank, mate!
- No, no!
1323
01:15:33,680 --> 01:15:36,439
No, I'm real, but not any more.
1324
01:15:37,160 --> 01:15:38,719
You're real but not any more?
1325
01:15:38,840 --> 01:15:40,839
I don't understand.
Have you got a bomb?
1326
01:15:40,960 --> 01:15:42,599
Yes, but it's not going to go off.
1327
01:15:42,720 --> 01:15:45,199
- How do I know that?
- Look.
1328
01:15:53,200 --> 01:15:55,239
We've got to go, now.
1329
01:15:55,360 --> 01:15:57,679
We need to go, now.
1330
01:15:57,800 --> 01:15:59,599
Now!
1331
01:16:07,240 --> 01:16:08,519
(Omar) Go! Come on, go!
1332
01:16:09,000 --> 01:16:12,279
Waj, try and find some targets.
I'll see you on the top floor, our kid.
1333
01:16:12,400 --> 01:16:13,799
Radisson-style penthouse suite!
1334
01:16:13,920 --> 01:16:15,119
Smooth running, Waj.
1335
01:16:15,240 --> 01:16:17,599
"Smooth running, Waj.
Smooth running."
1336
01:16:18,720 --> 01:16:20,999
- You killed Hassan!
- He bottled.
1337
01:16:21,120 --> 01:16:23,359
You took away his choice.
You de-martyred him.
1338
01:16:23,480 --> 01:16:25,319
Did Waj have a choice
when you told him
1339
01:16:25,440 --> 01:16:28,679
his heart was his brain
and his gob was his ring piece?
1340
01:16:28,800 --> 01:16:30,359
You tomatoed your friend.
1341
01:16:30,480 --> 01:16:32,999
- Barry...
- You've killed the special-needs donkey.
1342
01:16:33,120 --> 01:16:34,519
(Police siren)
1343
01:16:35,360 --> 01:16:36,359
No, I haven't.
1344
01:16:37,080 --> 01:16:38,599
Let him blow!
1345
01:16:38,720 --> 01:16:40,719
Let the retard blow!
1346
01:16:43,440 --> 01:16:44,879
Fuck!
1347
01:16:47,560 --> 01:16:48,959
(Helicopter overhead)
1348
01:16:55,160 --> 01:16:56,679
(Police siren)
1349
01:16:59,320 --> 01:17:00,639
(Applause and cheering)
1350
01:17:15,000 --> 01:17:16,239
Oi, you, stop!
1351
01:17:24,520 --> 01:17:26,319
(Horn)
1352
01:17:46,480 --> 01:17:47,479
All right, bro?
1353
01:17:47,680 --> 01:17:48,679
Hey!
1354
01:17:53,000 --> 01:17:54,439
Stay there!
1355
01:17:54,560 --> 01:17:57,199
I'm fucking loaded! Yeah?
1356
01:17:57,320 --> 01:17:59,919
No messing now, yeah?
1357
01:18:00,040 --> 01:18:02,799
That's it. Stay there.
1358
01:18:08,400 --> 01:18:10,359
Shut it. Shut the metal. Shut it.
1359
01:18:10,480 --> 01:18:11,719
Shut it!
1360
01:18:13,760 --> 01:18:16,119
Right, lads. See this, yeah?
1361
01:18:16,240 --> 01:18:17,519
Any of you do anything,
1362
01:18:18,240 --> 01:18:20,439
we're all turning baked beans, all right?
1363
01:18:20,560 --> 01:18:22,559
No fucking messing now. Yeah?
1364
01:18:25,320 --> 01:18:28,639
(Radio) Target confirmations are
ostrich and grizzly bear.
1365
01:18:28,760 --> 01:18:30,759
Ostrich and grizzly bear are the targets.
1366
01:18:38,080 --> 01:18:40,599
The bear is down. Repeat,
the bear is down. I got the bear.
1367
01:18:40,720 --> 01:18:42,919
I think that's a wookie.
That's a wookie.
1368
01:18:43,040 --> 01:18:44,359
No, it's not, it's a bear.
1369
01:18:45,640 --> 01:18:47,039
Is a wookie a bear, control?
1370
01:18:47,160 --> 01:18:50,759
The bear target has changed.
Target bear is now target Honey Monster.
1371
01:18:50,880 --> 01:18:53,039
Is a honey monster a bear?
1372
01:18:53,160 --> 01:18:55,519
A honey monster is not a bear.
1373
01:18:56,280 --> 01:18:57,959
A honey monster is a bear.
1374
01:18:58,080 --> 01:19:00,599
The honey monster is down.
He was a target. He was a bear.
1375
01:19:00,720 --> 01:19:01,919
The honey monster is down?
1376
01:19:02,040 --> 01:19:05,199
The honey monster is not down, control.
We have a wookie down.
1377
01:19:05,320 --> 01:19:07,999
- What's a wookie?
- A bear. It's a bear!
1378
01:19:08,120 --> 01:19:10,919
No, it is a wookie.
You've just shot it as a bear.
1379
01:19:11,040 --> 01:19:13,479
- Is a wookie a bear?
- It's a bear. Repeat, it's a bear.
1380
01:19:13,600 --> 01:19:15,599
The wookie is down.
The wookie is not the target.
1381
01:19:15,720 --> 01:19:18,519
Well, it must be the target.
I just shot it.
1382
01:19:24,120 --> 01:19:26,999
I'll just finish this,
then we're all off to heaven, all right?
1383
01:19:27,960 --> 01:19:29,959
Martyrs' suite, VIP lounge.
1384
01:19:31,240 --> 01:19:32,359
Are you going to kill us?
1385
01:19:32,480 --> 01:19:35,879
Well, I might have some seconds,
but I kind of am, yeah.
1386
01:19:36,760 --> 01:19:37,799
Why?
1387
01:19:37,920 --> 01:19:40,639
For jihad, man. Kuffar and that.
1388
01:19:40,760 --> 01:19:42,199
But we support jihad, bro.
1389
01:19:43,440 --> 01:19:45,919
I can't explain it, lads, but...
1390
01:19:46,040 --> 01:19:48,079
If brother Omar were here,
1391
01:19:48,200 --> 01:19:50,679
I swear he'd tell you knowledge
proper good.
1392
01:20:08,040 --> 01:20:09,519
(Mobile rings)
1393
01:20:11,720 --> 01:20:13,719
- Omar?
- Waj?
1394
01:20:13,840 --> 01:20:15,399
- Are you in paradise, bro?
- No, bro.
1395
01:20:15,520 --> 01:20:18,199
- I'm in a cafe. Where are you?
- I'm in a kebab shop.
1396
01:20:18,320 --> 01:20:21,479
I've got hostages and everything,
like Xbox Counter-Strike.
1397
01:20:21,600 --> 01:20:25,039
- Right, listen, Waj. You've got to...
- Thing is, they're all brothers.
1398
01:20:25,160 --> 01:20:29,159
I still get points for taking them with me,
though, yeah? Like Nectar card?
1399
01:20:31,080 --> 01:20:32,799
Omar?
1400
01:20:32,920 --> 01:20:36,039
- Let them all go. Just keep one of them.
- Eh?
1401
01:20:37,320 --> 01:20:39,679
Just grab one of them.
Let the rest of them go, Waj.
1402
01:20:39,800 --> 01:20:40,919
OK.
1403
01:20:41,720 --> 01:20:43,559
Right, you stay.
1404
01:20:43,680 --> 01:20:45,079
You three can go.
1405
01:20:47,880 --> 01:20:49,239
Go!
1406
01:20:49,360 --> 01:20:50,439
OK. Now listen, Waj.
1407
01:20:50,560 --> 01:20:52,879
What you were saying before
about this being wrong,
1408
01:20:53,000 --> 01:20:54,559
you were right, it is wrong.
1409
01:20:54,680 --> 01:20:56,479
- I don't... What do you mean?
- For you.
1410
01:20:56,600 --> 01:20:58,719
For you, Waj,
doing what you're doing is wrong.
1411
01:20:58,840 --> 01:21:02,199
Yeah, I know. It feels really wrong, bro.
But that's why it's right, yeah?
1412
01:21:03,120 --> 01:21:05,159
No, you're confused, bro.
1413
01:21:05,280 --> 01:21:06,679
I'm not confused, brother.
1414
01:21:06,800 --> 01:21:09,479
Yes, you are confused.
I confused you.
1415
01:21:09,600 --> 01:21:11,599
But when I'm confused,
I got my confused face.
1416
01:21:11,720 --> 01:21:12,999
Wait.
1417
01:21:21,720 --> 01:21:25,439
Bro, I just took a picture of my face.
It's defo not my confused face.
1418
01:21:25,560 --> 01:21:27,439
- Waj, I don't need...
- I'll send it you.
1419
01:21:27,560 --> 01:21:29,359
Waj. Waj, wait.
1420
01:21:29,480 --> 01:21:31,079
Listen to me, Waj. Wait.
1421
01:21:31,200 --> 01:21:34,279
"Listen to me." It's too late
to stick your hand up his arse now.
1422
01:21:37,600 --> 01:21:38,759
Aargh!
1423
01:21:38,880 --> 01:21:39,999
Oh!
1424
01:21:40,120 --> 01:21:42,279
Ah, look at the Paki Bono.
1425
01:21:42,400 --> 01:21:43,759
You want to call him?
1426
01:21:43,880 --> 01:21:45,759
You want to call
the special-needs donkey?
1427
01:21:45,880 --> 01:21:47,359
Here you go.
1428
01:21:47,480 --> 01:21:49,079
You forgot the SIM card.
1429
01:21:59,920 --> 01:22:01,319
Mind out. Mind out the way.
1430
01:22:02,720 --> 01:22:04,479
Easy, chap. OK.
1431
01:22:04,600 --> 01:22:07,279
It's all right, I can Heimlich.
That's it, don't fight me.
1432
01:22:07,400 --> 01:22:09,559
- Wait.
- I've done this before, sonny.
1433
01:22:09,680 --> 01:22:10,959
That's it. Don't fight it.
1434
01:22:11,080 --> 01:22:12,519
That's it, that's it.
1435
01:22:14,600 --> 01:22:16,279
And catch the peanut!
1436
01:22:36,440 --> 01:22:38,039
(Mobile rings)
1437
01:22:39,880 --> 01:22:42,439
Number withheld.
I don't do "number withheld".
1438
01:22:42,560 --> 01:22:44,039
Answer it, bro.
It could be important!
1439
01:22:44,160 --> 01:22:46,359
Hey, yeah. Maybe I won an iPhone.
1440
01:22:47,560 --> 01:22:49,439
- Waj?
- Have I won?
1441
01:22:49,560 --> 01:22:53,119
Waj, this is Ed.
I'm with Special Branch. I'm just outside.
1442
01:22:53,240 --> 01:22:56,119
- How did you get this number?
- Waj, can we talk?
1443
01:22:56,240 --> 01:22:59,039
- Have you got agents at Orange?
- I'm sorry?
1444
01:22:59,160 --> 01:23:02,799
You've got proper double agents
working at Orange, haven't you?
1445
01:23:02,920 --> 01:23:05,759
I knew I should have gone to O2.
I've got loads offriends on O2.
1446
01:23:05,880 --> 01:23:08,599
Waj, what are your demands?
1447
01:23:10,840 --> 01:23:11,999
I don't have any.
1448
01:23:19,760 --> 01:23:23,599
Excuse me, mate. Have you got
a SIM card for this phone, please?
1449
01:23:23,720 --> 01:23:27,119
Not for that model, but we can sort one out
for you if you want to come with me.
1450
01:23:27,240 --> 01:23:29,519
Can you make this work.
I need it. Is it on?
1451
01:23:29,640 --> 01:23:30,999
It's only a display model.
Do you want that one?
1452
01:23:31,120 --> 01:23:32,199
Yeah, I want it. I need it.
1453
01:23:32,320 --> 01:23:34,679
Gordon? Can you get that phone
for me, please, mate?
1454
01:23:42,200 --> 01:23:44,319
Waj, why are you doing this?
1455
01:23:44,440 --> 01:23:46,159
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
1456
01:23:46,840 --> 01:23:47,839
Sorry?
1457
01:23:47,960 --> 01:23:51,519
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, bro.
Fast track.
1458
01:23:51,640 --> 01:23:53,799
Straight on the rides, like Alton Towers.
1459
01:23:53,920 --> 01:23:57,519
- No queue.
- You like funfairs then, Waj?
1460
01:23:57,640 --> 01:24:00,079
It's not a funfair, bro,
it's a theme park.
1461
01:24:00,200 --> 01:24:02,039
Funfair? How old are you?
1462
01:24:02,160 --> 01:24:04,079
Alton Towers got a spa, bro.
1463
01:24:06,320 --> 01:24:07,919
- Just now.
- All right, mate.
1464
01:24:08,040 --> 01:24:10,119
I'm doing it for you.
Would you like 12 months?
1465
01:24:10,240 --> 01:24:12,279
- Contract?
- Any.
1466
01:24:12,400 --> 01:24:14,159
- Do the call plan.
- All right, mate.
1467
01:24:14,280 --> 01:24:17,479
Easy, bro, easy.
I'm doing it for you.
1468
01:24:17,600 --> 01:24:21,359
- I think I'm going to go now, bro.
- Wait, Waj. What about girls?
1469
01:24:21,480 --> 01:24:24,079
I bet you like the ladies.
1470
01:24:24,200 --> 01:24:26,239
Is this your first time, bro?
1471
01:24:26,360 --> 01:24:28,319
Are you a virgin at this?
1472
01:24:29,920 --> 01:24:31,839
Please, Waj,
can we talk about girls?
1473
01:24:31,960 --> 01:24:34,279
You fill that out. Fill it out.
1474
01:24:34,400 --> 01:24:36,559
- What sort of call plan would you like?
- What?
1475
01:24:36,680 --> 01:24:38,759
We've got the Labrador?
The Dragon?
1476
01:24:38,880 --> 01:24:41,119
- Just any?
- How about the Hermit Crab?
1477
01:24:41,240 --> 01:24:43,599
- Huh?
- It's 1800 free texts.
1478
01:24:44,800 --> 01:24:45,799
Forget it.
1479
01:24:47,360 --> 01:24:48,479
I've still got your card.
1480
01:24:51,840 --> 01:24:53,439
OK, we can talk about girls.
1481
01:24:53,560 --> 01:24:56,719
Right so what sort of girls
are you into, then, Waj?
1482
01:24:56,840 --> 01:24:59,359
I don't know.
Ones with big jubblies and that.
1483
01:24:59,480 --> 01:25:01,279
- Yeah? You like them big, Waj?
- Yeah.
1484
01:25:01,400 --> 01:25:03,759
And nice fit arses, too, man.
1485
01:25:03,880 --> 01:25:06,159
You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj?
1486
01:25:06,280 --> 01:25:08,639
I knew you were, bro.
You're an arse man.
1487
01:25:08,760 --> 01:25:10,679
You're a massive arse man.
1488
01:25:10,800 --> 01:25:13,799
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj.
1489
01:25:13,920 --> 01:25:17,159
You giving me batty chirps, bro?
You calling me a whammer?
1490
01:25:17,280 --> 01:25:19,799
- No.
- Fuck off!
1491
01:25:23,040 --> 01:25:25,319
Fucking Boy George!
1492
01:25:34,680 --> 01:25:35,999
Don't worry, brother Nabil.
1493
01:25:40,800 --> 01:25:42,239
Hold on to these.
1494
01:25:42,360 --> 01:25:43,719
When I press the clicker,
1495
01:25:43,840 --> 01:25:46,159
just think about taking out the kuffar.
1496
01:25:46,280 --> 01:25:48,079
You'll be in paradise before me, bro!
1497
01:25:48,200 --> 01:25:50,639
But there's no kuffar here, bro.
1498
01:25:52,200 --> 01:25:53,999
Yeah, but...
1499
01:25:54,800 --> 01:25:57,759
Brother Faisal, he's a martyr
and he only blew up a sheep.
1500
01:25:59,880 --> 01:26:02,439
I think you might be confused, brother.
1501
01:26:03,960 --> 01:26:05,359
I'm not.
1502
01:26:06,600 --> 01:26:08,399
You look confused.
1503
01:26:14,720 --> 01:26:16,559
Sorry. Matt!
1504
01:26:16,680 --> 01:26:19,479
- Omar!
- Matt!
1505
01:26:20,120 --> 01:26:22,879
Yeah, man, listen.
Have you got a signal on your phone?
1506
01:26:23,560 --> 01:26:25,479
Yeah. What are you doing here?
1507
01:26:25,600 --> 01:26:27,719
I'll level with you Matt. I'm Ml5.
1508
01:26:27,840 --> 01:26:30,359
Special undercover job. I'm a spook.
1509
01:26:30,480 --> 01:26:31,879
What?
1510
01:26:32,000 --> 01:26:33,719
So what's going on?
1511
01:26:33,840 --> 01:26:35,319
Fathers 4 Justice.
1512
01:26:36,160 --> 01:26:38,799
They've teamed up with the Real IRA.
It's the nightmare scenario.
1513
01:26:39,720 --> 01:26:41,559
- Jesus.
- Yeah. Just give me five.
1514
01:26:46,640 --> 01:26:48,439
(Mobile rings)
1515
01:26:48,560 --> 01:26:50,159
Fucking "number unknown" again.
1516
01:26:50,280 --> 01:26:52,599
Is that whammer cop
going straight to hell or what?
1517
01:26:54,160 --> 01:26:55,879
- What are you doing?
- Hello?
1518
01:26:56,000 --> 01:26:58,759
- Hello, Waj, bro. It's Omar.
- Omar?
1519
01:26:58,880 --> 01:26:59,799
Omar?
1520
01:26:59,920 --> 01:27:01,639
- Waj.
- Tell me what to do, bro.
1521
01:27:01,760 --> 01:27:04,559
I think I might be confused
but I'm not sure.
1522
01:27:04,680 --> 01:27:06,359
Listen, bro.
You do what I do, right?
1523
01:27:06,480 --> 01:27:07,839
You do the same as me, OK?
1524
01:27:07,960 --> 01:27:09,839
Yes, brother, I'll do the same as you.
1525
01:27:09,960 --> 01:27:13,079
Right, OK.
I'm going give myself up, bro.
1526
01:27:13,200 --> 01:27:15,239
- Eh?
- I'm going to give myself up, bro.
1527
01:27:15,800 --> 01:27:16,959
(Crash)
1528
01:27:20,680 --> 01:27:22,839
Waj? Waj!
1529
01:27:24,240 --> 01:27:26,639
Waj? Waj?
1530
01:27:28,920 --> 01:27:33,159
Brother, what am I?
What am I doing, brother?
1531
01:27:34,120 --> 01:27:36,959
- Waj! Waj!
- What am I doing, brother?
1532
01:27:37,080 --> 01:27:38,759
- Pick up the phone!
- Bro, what am I doing?
1533
01:27:38,880 --> 01:27:40,439
All right, mate?
1534
01:27:41,560 --> 01:27:44,439
I'm sorry, lads.
I don't really know what I'm doing.
1535
01:27:54,360 --> 01:28:00,159
What was that?
1536
01:28:06,120 --> 01:28:08,359
Are you all right?
1537
01:28:08,480 --> 01:28:10,759
(Police sirens in the distance)
1538
01:28:14,080 --> 01:28:15,999
Omar, are you all right?
1539
01:28:16,120 --> 01:28:19,279
Now, you stay here.
And you tell them I were smiling.
1540
01:28:19,400 --> 01:28:20,839
What?
1541
01:28:21,880 --> 01:28:24,039
Smile on my face.
Could be important.
1542
01:28:24,160 --> 01:28:26,759
Right... Smile.
1543
01:28:29,200 --> 01:28:30,959
- Is there?
- Yeah.
1544
01:28:35,360 --> 01:28:37,159
Where are you going?
1545
01:28:38,800 --> 01:28:40,639
Omar?
1546
01:29:24,160 --> 01:29:28,719
This is RAF Mildenhall,
1547
01:29:28,840 --> 01:29:30,999
but it's actually Egypt.
1548
01:29:31,120 --> 01:29:35,319
When you entered the base,
you left Britain,
1549
01:29:35,440 --> 01:29:40,279
and you passed through US jurisdiction
and into this container,
1550
01:29:40,400 --> 01:29:44,999
which is internationally recognised
as the sovereign territory of Egypt.
1551
01:29:46,680 --> 01:29:49,399
You are now in Egypt.
1552
01:29:50,800 --> 01:29:53,999
There are some pretty hellish Egyptians
behind that door there.
1553
01:29:54,120 --> 01:29:57,679
They use electrodes. They use drills.
1554
01:29:58,720 --> 01:30:01,599
Biro refills.
Do you know what I mean?
1555
01:30:01,720 --> 01:30:04,359
I don't know anything about my brother.
1556
01:30:08,600 --> 01:30:10,399
We know a lot more
than you think we do.
1557
01:30:13,880 --> 01:30:17,959
(Matt) All right, let's get one thing straight.
Omar Khan had nothing to do with this.
1558
01:30:19,480 --> 01:30:21,839
Cos I knew him and I worked with him.
1559
01:30:22,400 --> 01:30:25,559
Did you know
he was actually working for Ml5?
1560
01:30:25,680 --> 01:30:27,399
Cos he told me that himself.
1561
01:30:27,520 --> 01:30:32,279
The report makes crystal clear
that the police shot the right man,
1562
01:30:32,400 --> 01:30:35,719
but, as far as I'm aware,
the wrong man exploded.
1563
01:30:36,480 --> 01:30:37,919
Is that clear?
1564
01:30:42,320 --> 01:30:45,919
(Hassan) Today you felt our exploding sword
1565
01:30:46,040 --> 01:30:48,519
in your fat oppressor stomachs, man.
1566
01:30:50,720 --> 01:30:53,879
(Raps) We're the muslimeen
and we're making terrible scenes
1567
01:30:54,000 --> 01:30:56,599
Now you wanna know
what the boom-boom means?
1568
01:30:56,720 --> 01:31:00,239
It's like Tupac said:
"When I die, I ain't dead
1569
01:31:00,360 --> 01:31:03,999
"Fight and be slain,
die with no pain
1570
01:31:04,120 --> 01:31:08,439
Got shaheed in my heed,
for my creed I daheed
1571
01:31:08,560 --> 01:31:11,919
We are the martyrs,
you'sjust smashed tomatoes
1572
01:31:12,040 --> 01:31:15,079
- Now we've got...
- (Waj) Bro? What were that?
1573
01:31:15,200 --> 01:31:17,319
For my creed, I daheed
1574
01:31:17,440 --> 01:31:18,839
What's "daheed", though?
1575
01:31:18,960 --> 01:31:20,199
Died.
1576
01:31:20,320 --> 01:31:22,479
- Daheed, died. Daheed.
- That's bollocks, man.
1577
01:31:22,600 --> 01:31:25,039
- You're rhyming doolally.
- That's clear, man.
1578
01:31:25,160 --> 01:31:26,479
No, no, look. In my opinion...
1579
01:31:26,600 --> 01:31:29,879
Look, no, man. In your opinion?
Your opinion's shit, man.
1580
01:31:30,000 --> 01:31:32,239
With all due respect, bro,
you like Maroon 5.
1581
01:31:32,360 --> 01:31:33,799
What the fuck's that about?
1582
01:31:33,920 --> 01:31:35,199
- Come here.
- Whoa, whoa!
1583
01:31:35,320 --> 01:31:37,159
- Come here, man.
- I'm joking!
1584
01:31:54,600 --> 01:31:59,559
When we talk about a so-called
terrorist attack on the London marathon,
1585
01:31:59,680 --> 01:32:01,679
we should remember one thing:
1586
01:32:01,800 --> 01:32:04,919
Most loud bangs are not bombs,
1587
01:32:05,040 --> 01:32:07,039
they're scooters backfiring.
1588
01:32:16,760 --> 01:32:19,679
This footage, taken from an American spy plane.
1589
01:32:19,800 --> 01:32:24,359
Appears to show two trainee Mujahideens
struggling with a rocket launcher.
1590
01:32:24,480 --> 01:32:27,159
Firing it at an Arab training camp
1591
01:32:27,280 --> 01:32:30,919
and accidentally blowing up Osama bin Laden.
1592
01:32:37,120 --> 01:32:41,599
The western imperialist culture
has left you like materialist junkies,
1593
01:32:41,720 --> 01:32:45,919
mainlining iPods and Humvees
and TK Maxx into a spiritual void.
1594
01:32:46,040 --> 01:32:48,279
Is Mad Qadeer watching this?
1595
01:32:48,400 --> 01:32:52,919
- What?
- Mad Qadeer, cos he owes me £200.
1596
01:32:54,800 --> 01:32:57,319
Mad Qadeer, if you're watching, right,
1597
01:32:57,440 --> 01:32:59,519
you owe me £200.
1598
01:32:59,640 --> 01:33:01,359
And you're gonna pay up.
1599
01:33:01,480 --> 01:33:03,239
Cos I'm not here right now.
1600
01:33:03,360 --> 01:33:05,999
I'm somewhere else,
but you're still gonna pay.
1601
01:33:07,520 --> 01:33:09,839
You're going to pay Saf.
Saf, if you're watching, bro,
1602
01:33:09,960 --> 01:33:12,199
you go round Mad Qadeer's house, right,
1603
01:33:12,320 --> 01:33:16,119
and you get him to pay me my £200,
cos he's owed it me a long time.
1604
01:33:19,280 --> 01:33:20,759
He owes me money.
118310
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