All language subtitles for Almost.Adults.2016.WEB-DL.x264-FGT

Cassie?

Cassie?

Cassie?

- Cassie.
- Hmm?

Did you sleep in my
bed again last night?

No, I just came in here
this morning

to cuddle with you.

Like, I get that you're
obsessed with me,

but you have, like,
a really nice big bed,

and that's only, like,
ten feet away.

It's really
not that hard to walk to.

Well, your bed
is so much more comfy.

I don't know. It's weird
sleeping without Matthew.

I'm just not used to it yet.

So you're using me.

Duh.

So who's gonna make
breakfast today?

Mm, I made it last weekend,
so probably you.

Uh, no, I made it last weekend.

No, that was two
weekends ago, remember?

No, that was last Saturday.

- Blueberry pancakes.
- Fine.

Rock, paper, scissors over it?

Fine.

- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.

- Really?
- No? Okay.

- Oh. No.
- Okay.

Okay, fine. Whatever.
I'll make it.

Yes!

Under one con-di-tion.

- No!
- Yes.

You have to promise
never to leave me. Okay?

Matthew is gone,
and you are all that I have now

in my sad and lonely life.

That is a lot to ask for
in return for pancakes.

They're blueberry pancakes.

Fine.

But just for the pancakes.

Bacon melt cheeseburger,

Philly cheese steak.

A pulled pork sandwich.

You'd think they'd
have more vegetarian options.

Right? I mean, god forbid a
vegan tries to eat here.

You know,

the people that don't eat
any animal byproducts.

Oh, we know what vegans are, honey.
We have the Google at home.

Oh, babe, don't call
it "the Google."

You're making us look uncool.

No, I think
it's kind of hipster of me

- to call it "the Google."
- You know, even if it's wrong,

if mom wants to call it
"the Google,"

then we should support her.

- Thank you.
- Well.

Do you know what group
of people tend to have

a lot of vegans, actually, is...

- Lesbians.
- Oh, really?

W-we're gonna need
a couple more minutes.

Thank you.

It's a shame Matthew couldn't
make it out this evening.

Uh, well, he was busy so...

Working nights to pay
his way through med school

during the day.

That's one ambitious
man you have.

You must be so proud.

- You're dating a doctor.
- Hmm.

He's gonna cure cancer one day.

Well, he's at
the chiropractic college.

So he's gonna be a chiropractor.

But if you guys think that's one
step closer to curing cancer,

then, sure, yeah.

He's gonna save
millions of lives.

This place is really dope.

Oh, good use
of the word "dope," honey.

- Mm.
- A lot of the kids

from campus hang out here.

Like, the other day,
we couldn't even get in

'cause the whole softball team
was having a party here.

Did you know that most of the
girls on the softball team

- are les...
- Let me guess.

- Lesbians?
- Is it lesbians?

I, um,

got that internship
at the creative agency.

- Mm.
- That's wonderful.

- How much does that pay?
- Well, it's an internship.

So, I don't know,
roughly like six figures.

- So nothing.
- Uh,

I think that
a ten dollar per diem

is a lot more than nothing.

How are you gonna survive
on ten dollars a day?

I don't know.
Dumpster diving.

Be serious.
We worry about you.

It's a good thing
that you have Matthew.

Especially if I get cancer.

You know what?
I was gonna wait until

we ordered dessert,
but I think I'm just gonna...

Oh, I hope they have something

with bacon bits on it.

I hear that's like
really trendy right now.

Bacon is my favorite food group.

I wouldn't mind like
a hot fudge sundae, though.

Ugh! I'd share
that with you.

You know, with some drizzle
and some nuts on it.

- Salty, something sweet...
- We'll get two spoons, okay?

Excuse me.
I'm trying to tell you guys

something extremely difficult
and heart wrenching,

and, I mean, it might kill me,

so a little respect, please.

John, put your fork down.

MacKenzie's having a nervous
breakdown or indigestion.

- I can't tell.
- Can't be indigestion.

I mean, she's hardly
touched her food.

John, please focus on
our daughter.

- She's dying.
- Thank you, mom.

Hmm.

Mom...

Dad...

I'm gay.

No, no.

No.

Oh, god, why?

No, MacKenzie.

How could you do that to us?

What did we ever do
to deserve this?

Oh, my god, no.

MacKenzie, no!

So how's the planning going
for your Europe trip?

Um, it's been postponed.

But this is the final summer
you're free.

And soon Matthew
will be working all the time.

You don't him
to take time off work

to go gallivanting
across Europe.

Matthew's probably
just busy, honey,

with school and work.

- He's gonna be a doctor.
- I know that, dear.

I just thought I'd be nice
for him to take a break

from all of his hard work.

You know, I just...

Okay, I'm just gonna
stop you right there.

Matthew and I

broke up.

What does that mean?

It means
we are no longer dating.

- Oh...

Oh, my god.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Honey, we know.

What do you mean
you know? How?

We read your diary every night
when you went to bed.

We're your parents.

We just know these things.

And I found a copy of
"the l word" under your bed

- like five years ago,
- yeah.

Alice is hilarious.
I mean, Bette is terrifying.

I hate you both.

What?
What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

Well, you must've done something

for him to break up with you.

Uh, actually, I left him.

But thanks for assuming
he dumped me.

Why did you break up with him?

He was perfect for you.
He was perfect for you.

Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh, honey.

He proposed.

What?

Are you...

- A lesbian?
- No.

I'm not a lesbian.
But you know what?

Sometimes I wish I was.

Don't say that.
That's horrible.

So...

Is it Cassie?

Is it Cassie what?

- Is Cassie your lover?
- Eck. Eww.

Please don't ever say
"lover" again.

- Lover.
- Ugh. Ugh.

And, no, Cassie isn't gay.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Besides, I haven't told her yet.

Told her what?

That I'm gay.

Ah, don't worry about it, honey.

- I'm sure she knows.
- Mm-hmm. Honey, you're a...

What do they call it, John?

- A hundred footer.
- You are a hundred footer.

And you guys are just
completely okay with this?

To be honest, I was worried
you were going to tell us

- you were a vegan.
- Yeah.

I mean, I'm relieved
that you're gay.

- I mean, men are assholes.
- Mm-hmm.

If I could be gay, I would be.

That's disgusting.

- Babe.
- And how did it go?

It was horrible.
It was worse than expected.

I don't even
want to talk about it.

Oh, doll, that's really shitty.
I'm so sorry.

Like, they didn't
even care at all.

They showed
no emotion whatsoever.

No, that's a lie.

They were like happy about it.

Isn't that sick?

Yeah, that sounds
really devastating.

I mean, it took me
months to finally...

To summon the courage
to come out to them

and then they just treat it
like it's no big deal.

Well, I'm sorry,
but it is a big deal.

Like, they weren't even
upset at all.

Isn't that fucked?

Oh, my god.
Why are they not upset?

Do they not love me?

They definitely
don't care about you.

I mean, my parents told me
I was an abomination

and that I was gonna
burn in hell for all eternity.

Way to rub it in my face.

Oh, and they didn't even tell me

that they were proud of me.

Isn't that like the number
one thing you're supposed

to tell your gay kid
when you come out to them,

like, how proud you are of them?

I'm pretty sure it's in
the gay parent handbook.

They must've lost the handbook.

I can only come out to them
once in my whole life,

and they freaking ruined it
for me with their kindness

and blatant disregard
for my feelings.

Are you even listening to me?

- Oh, no.

Cassie's home.
I gotta go, bitch.

Okay, babe. Sorry your
parents are amazing.

Shit.

Stop whatever
you're doing right now.

We are going
to pizza hut buffet.

I am going to commit carbicide.

I mean, before you say anything,

I know that pizza hut buffet
is not a thing anymore,

rest in peace pizza hut buffet,

but that doesn't mean
we can't just order

like a bazillion pizzas
and pretend it's still a thing.

- Right?

This is not what it looks like.

I know what
you must be thinking.

MacKenzie, are you
watching lesbian porn?

'Cause I told you that

"Bridget Jones' diaphragm"
is not the same movie.

No, I...

Well, yes, but it's for a class.

Really? What class?
I want in.

Yeah, it's like
this women's studies class.

I have to do this assignment

on post colonial gentrification

set in an urban landscape

posing in lesbian film.

Did you just take
everything you remembered

from your art theory class
and mush it all together?

That is exactly what I just did.

Hmm.

Well, it looks like
you beat me to the carbicide.

What happened?

Dinner with my parents
was kind of a disaster.

Really?
What happened?

Uh, I just...

I told them something,
and they did not take it

the way that I thought
that they would.

Your parents are like
the most supportive people

I know.

I know. It's the worst.

What didn't they take
the right way?

You know what?
It's nothing.

How was dinner
with your parents?

Well, I told them
I broke up with Matthew.

- Oh, shit.
How'd that go?

Um, well, I think

after the hysterical crying
and screaming stopped

that it actually
went pretty well.

I got the chocolate explosion
cake for dessert.

Fuck off.
That's a good one.

- Did you bring me some?
- Mm-mm.

Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Hah.

So are we gonna go

or I guess we can just keep
watching lesbian porn.

It's not lesbian porn.
It's lesbian film.

It's art.
It's very different.

Lesbian porn is gross.

Yeah, I know.

I don't even think
that the lesbians

who do lesbian porn
are real lesbians.

Well, like I saw this one
where they were,

they were using a strap-on,
and then they like

put on a condom on it
and I was like, "why?"

Why would you...
Why would you do that?

Extra protection, obviously.

Well, I will stick
to my normal porn.

One-legged paraplegics
and Asian tentacles,

- thank you very much.
- Hmm.

I'm watching all the sex scenes
in lesbian movies, mom,

are you gonna call me a pervert?

Damn it, mom!
Call me a pervert.

Isn't it weird how different
your life turned out

than the way you had planned?

Trust me, I know.

What did you want to be again
when you grew up?

- A ninja turtle?
- No!

I wanted to be
the red power ranger.

- How could you forget?
- Oh, yeah.

Right.
How could I?

You were the only girl
who didn't want to be

the pink power ranger.

Well, the red one
was obviously the coolest

and the leader so.

And the hottest.

Right.

It's like I thought I knew
what I was doing with my life.

You know, like, I had a plan

and I wrote it out on paper.

I didn't even put it
in my phone.

Like, I killed a tree for it.

I know. It hangs on our
fridge, mocking me

for not having a plan.

Then Matthew
had to go and propose

and screw everything up.

Now look at me.

You're a walking disaster.

You are lucky I'm still
friends with you.

I think I'm having
an anxiety attack.

I don't really know, because I've
never really had one before,

but I think that's what's
happening right now.

- Are you having trouble breathing?
- No.

Do you feel super nervous?

No.

I don't think you know
what an anxiety attack is.

Maybe there are different
forms of anxiety attacks.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I don't know. It's just,
like, my whole life I thought

that I wanted a traditional
life, you know?

Like, get married and have kids,

and, I don't know, have a dog
that wears like a tiny hat.

Yeah.

I mean you can still
have a traditional life.

- You know that.
- I don't know.

Maybe I don't want
a traditional life.

You know, like, maybe
I wanna be promiscuous

and get HPV, I don't know,
the sky's the limit.

I think HPV's, like,
really common now.

You can get crazier than that.
You should go for the clap.

Hey, Cassie.

I've gotta tell you something,
and please don't freak out.

But...

Oh, my god.

Oh, you know.

Oh, shit, you know.

I've made a huge mistake.

My parents were right.

Okay. Clearly you're having
a mental breakdown

because your parents
are never right.

You weren't ready to get
married, which is good,

because you're 22.

Who the fuck gets
married at 22, Cass?

Rednecks, that's who.

Maybe I wanna be a redneck.

Okay, then go be a redneck.

I don't wanna be a redneck.

I think I know what's going
to make you feel better.

Do you remember when
I dated Andrew?

- Eww, yeah.
- Yeah.

And he had, like,
the tiniest dick ever?

Yeah, you said it was an innie.

It was. It was
a fucking innie.

I mean, I have not seen
a lot of dicks in my lifetime,

but that one was tiny.

It was so small

that when it got scared it
would just like, disappear.

It would like, retreat until
there was no penis left.

I've never even heard
of a dick that small.

I mean, I guess technically,
I never even lost my virginity.

So, I'm still a virgin.

Who's more pathetic now?

This one.

You're a 22-year-old virgin.

Priests have had
more sex than I have.

Maybe my life isn't so bad.

Yeah.

Hey, why did you tell
me not to freak out?

Just, like, don't freak out

because your life's
not that bad.

Oh, right.

Thanks, bud.

Okay, which one should I wear?

Is this a joke?
They look identical.

This one's a tri-blend,
and this one's a poly-cotton.

God, you're such
a lesbian sometimes.

Fine, the one on the right.

I don't know. This one
reeks of desperation.

I'm going
with the poly-cotton.

I don't even know why you
bother asking me.

I have literally worn this
shirt for, like, a week now.

I just keep on, like,
dousing it in perfume

to hide my b.O.

My god, you're disgusting.

I'm single.

I don't know what you would
do if you didn't have me.

Oh, here we go.

"Tum-blur"?

Tumblr.

It's the new Facebook
for lesbians.

Hell, it's the new eharmony
for lesbians.

I have a Pinterest account.
Can I just use that?

No, are you a 50-year-old mom
or planning your wedding?

No. Delete that account
immediately.

I'm, like, embarrassed for you.

Okay, so, let's create
your profile.

You're totes adorbs.
So, trust me, the ladies

are gonna be all over you.

Okay.

I have to pick a theme.
How about sports?

Oh, my god, perfect.

Lesbians love sports.

How do you know all this stuff?

Tumblr, duh.

Hey, I'm MacKenzie,

recently out, just turned 22.

I like comics,

puppies, and astronomy.

I love you.

Yeah, that's all I got.

Whatever, nobody reads
that stuff anyways.

They're more interested
in your selfies.

- Gimme your phone.
- Oh.

Mmm.

Okay, do, like,
a sexy pouty face,

but look like you aren't trying.

Can you like crinkle
your nose a little bit?

More lips.

Like you're not taking
a shit though.

Now smile through your eyes.

Oh god, less smizing.

Eww. They just keep
getting worse.

Okay, maybe I can find a decent
picture you already took

and then make it look
better on Instagram.

- Okay.
- Okay, umm...

Oh, this one.
This is perfect.

Okay, I'm just going
to crop Cassie out.

Voila, it's live.

I'll give it a week, and you'll have
a Tumblr girlfriend in no time.

So, how's Cassie?

I haven't seen
that bitch in weeks.

She's good.
She's been really busy

with her internship
and school stuff.

And, how'd she take
it when you told her?

Told her what?

That you decided
to join the LPGA.

I have not told her yet.

I'm sorry, what?

I mean, she's gotta know.

She has to know.

I mean, look at you.

I'm pretty good at hiding
my lesbianism, Levi.

I've been doing it for 22 years.

Oh, honey, no.
No, you haven't.

Well, whatever.
Cassie doesn't know.

Well, what are you waiting for?

She's your best friend.

She isn't gonna care.

I know that she's
not going to care,

it's just...

I don't know.

I'm worried about making
things change between us.

Like, what if she
does get weirded out?

I'm worried about
screwing things up.

You're being way too dramatic.

Trust me, she isn't gonna care.

I mean, it's worse
that you're lying to her.

I'm not lying to her,

I just haven't
told her the truth.

Tell her.

You don't want her finding
out from somebody else.

And besides, I'm sure she
knows you're a hundred footer.

Why does everyone
keep saying that?

Why do lesbians like this stuff?

I have no clothes.
I have nothing.

Looks to me like you're
wearing clothes.

I need to go shopping.
What are you doing today?

Nothing. And, no, I will
not go shopping with you.

Yes, you are.
I can't go by myself.

Call Levi, he misses you.

Plus, I'm sure I'm sure he
wants any excuse to skip class.

I did call Levi and he's busy.

- So, I'm your backup?
- You're always my backup.

Well, find someone else
because I am not going.

- Yes, you're going.
- No, I'm not.

I'll buy you a pretzel.

Love it.
Yellow is so your color.

Buy it, let's go.

I don't know if I like
the pattern.

Oh, like, that's
the style I want.

Yeah, her pant-top
combination was just great,

and then with the shoes,

it just came together
really nicely.

You're right, I should have
brought Levi.

Duh.

Oh, what about this one?

I love them all.
I'm so bored.

My legs hurt, I wanna sit down.

I did not buy you a pretzel

so you could complain
the whole time.

This is the thousandth
store we've been in.

I don't even know what
you're looking for anymore.

Dresses, pants, shoes,
you've tried on everything.

I just got out of
a serious relationship.

I need to get rid of things
that remind me of Matthew.

So, everything.

Yes.

I want a cinnamon bun, too.

- Fine.
- Yes.

Hmm.

I don't know, I'll just
try on both of them.

Is it too summery?

I don't know, it's hot out,

so I don't think you're
going to be cold in that.

Yeah, but it's spring.

- So? -So, is it too
summery for spring?

I'm so lost right now.

I don't know.
I think it's too summery.

I'm going to try
on the other one.

Okay. No problem, I'll just
stand here, dying of hunger.

Mac.

Hi, how are you?

Matthew, my clothes.

Yeah, here.

So, uh, are you
with Cassie here?

Uh...

I don't know?

What?
You... you don't know?

What about this one,
but with, like, a belt?

Uh...

Hi.

Hi.

I don't know about this one.

Do I look fuckable?

Like who would
fuck me in this? No one.

No one would fuck you
in that dress.

That was, like, really weird.

How long are you going to be?

Your little cousin seems
like a wonderful person.

She... she's not my...
My cousin.

Uh, MacKenzie, could you
come in here for a sec?

I, uh, think my dress is stuck.

Why did you let me
try on this dress?

I look like an idiot.

I told you to bring Levi.

I don't know anything
about this shit.

I only came for
the god damn pretzel

that was promised to me.

Who the fuck
is that girl he's with?

I'd take a wild guess

and say it's his new girlfriend.

So nice of him to wait like
five minutes after I dump him.

Don't worry,
she's just a rebound girl.

She seems dumb as fuck

and a total
high-maintenance bitch.

Oh, wait he dated you,
so you should worry.

Guess who just got
their cinnamon bun taken away.

You wouldn't.

God, I can't believe
he saw me in this dress.

You're just gonna change?
Okay, great.

Are they still out there?

Yeah.

We are staying in here
until they leave.

Oh, yeah, because that's not
going to look weird or anything.

Can I use your phone to swipe
left to get rid of the uglies?

Ugh.

Eh.

Oh, god.

You wanted to speak with me?

I heard you broke up
with your boyfriend.

I know that's probably why

your grades have been slipping.

That is so unbelievably
creepy that you know that.

I know you're smarter than that,

so I wouldn't worry
about it too much.

Okay, thanks.

Just a reminder, though,

you won't be
graduating in spring

if you fail one more assignment,

because then you're going
to fail this class.

Are you shitting me,
Dr. Reese?

So when you told me
not to worry,

you actually meant
that I should worry?

Maybe Matthew can tutor you.

We broke up.

Oh, that's right.

That's where this
conversation began.

Okay, thank you for this talk.

Look, my door is always open

during my designated
office hours.

That's 7:00 to 8:00 A.M. every
first Saturday of the month.

Cool.

Hey.

Hi.

Okay, so, you need
to help me out.

My teammates over there...
Don't look.

They bet me twenty bucks that

I couldn't get your number.
Don't look!

And like, not only do I
really want the twenty bucks,

but they're always
making fun of me

because I always
blow it with girls

and they think I need
a girlfriend

or just like more experience,

and now I'm completely
over-sharing,

so if you could
like laugh really loud

and pretend I've said
something super funny

and maybe look like you're
thinking about being into me...

They bet that you
couldn't get my number?

Yeah, well, a straight girl's.

You think I'm straight?

So, can you give me your number?

Or a number? I promise I'm not
going to text you or anything.

Yeah. Well, I actually
have this number

that's like this
fake phone number,

that you give to people
when they hit on you.

And you don't wanna actually
give them your number,

and then they call it

and it's like this
voicemail that's like,

"the person you're calling
gave you a fake phone number.

I hope you feel like
a giant loser, loser."

No way, that's not a thing.

I swear to god.
I use it all the time.

I say "all the time"
like I get hit on all the time.

In reality I've used
it like seven times.

Six times.

I've used it three times.

Wow, and I thought you were
going to be all sweet and stuff

with your cute
little packed lunch

and your adorable
little backpack.

I mean you're eating
peanut butter and jelly.

Girls that destroy egos

do not eat peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches.

Oh, no, no, they do.

Yeah, they eat peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches

and they drink out
of juice boxes.

To be fair, though, I usually
only give that number to guys

because one, they're usually
the only ones that hit on me

and two, I'm not into them.

Oh, I thought...

So, yeah, I will give
you my number.

But, you know, only because
I want you to win that bet.

Yeah, totally just
to win the bet.

I'm gonna throw this number away

as soon as I get
my twenty bucks.

I'm not gonna stare at it
or put it in my phone

or like, text you later.

That's definitely
not gonna happen.

Good, because I wouldn't
want you to text me,

and I obviously would
not text you back.

Duh, and then when you
don't text me back,

I don't have to ask
you if you want

to go get dinner or see
a movie together.

Good, because I definitely...

Definitely wouldn't say yes
to any of that.

Just so we're on the same page.

We are on the same page.

Hiya, hi, how's it going?

Hey, uh, everything's great.

Um, yeah, I just saw the e-mail
you sent to the client,

and I noticed you did not
sign it, "kindest regards."

So?

Yeah, so, obviously I don't
care, it's just that

remember on the first day
you started working here

and I told you we always
sign our e-mails

with "kindest regards"?

Yeah, I thought that was
just a suggestion.

Oh, yeah, it is, um,
it's just like one of those

suggestions that
you always wanna do.

So, I'm sure it's fine,

it's just I think our boss
is really upset with you.

Are you fucking with me?

What?

I don't even.

Oh, my god, it's so shitty.

What is it, Amy?

You didn't get the e-mail?

What e-mail?

Oh, my god, it's so awkward,

um, you just got fired.

I'm pretty sure you got CCED.

I got fired?

Yeah, total bummer.

I mean, because, like,
you're just an intern

and who fires an intern?

Because you don't even get paid.

This has gotta be
some kind of joke, right?

Is this because
of "kindest regards"?

Oh, my god, no.
I mean, maybe?

Um, but you should probably
start packing up your things.

Um, oh, but not
until after lunch,

because you need to
still go get that, okay?

- Cassie.
- What, Amy?

Isn't this your
friend, MacKenzie?

I've been reading her blog.

She's hilarious.

I just love her
positive outlook on life.

Is she single?

Cassie.

You're probably wondering why
I have developed a fondness for

baseball and lesbian film
in the past couple of weeks.

It's because it's come to my
attention, currently, that...

Dude, what the fuck?

What do you mean what the fuck?
You what the fuck.

You almost broke my face.

How could you?

I thought we were best friends.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I don't know, MacKenzie,

maybe you could have
told me that you're gay?

Yeah, you told everyone in
the fucking world except for me.

Fucking Levi,
I'm going to murder him.

No, it wasn't Levi, you idiot.

You put it on your blog.

You can see my blog?

First of all, everyone in the
world can see your blog.

Second of all, I work in social media,
so it's my job to be on Tumblr.

- Oh.
- Yeah, oh.

Why didn't you tell me?

Look, I'm sorry. I just... I
wasn't ready to tell you.

You have pooped
in front of me, MacKenzie.

I have seen you poop.

And you couldn't just
tell me you were gay.

I know!

I mean, okay, that's
not really the same thing.

- Did you think I was going to care?
- No.

Then I don't get why
you didn't just tell me.

Okay, I've never kept
anything from you.

I know.
I just... I wasn't ready.

But you were just ready to splash
it all across the Internet.

Okay, Levi was the one
that made me get a Tumblr,

so don't even start with that.

I don't even know
how to use the thing.

Yeah, I noticed, okay?

You're not even
tagging your photos.

I don't know how you expect
anyone to follow you.

Yeah, see, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

That still doesn't explain
why you didn't just tell me.

Do you know how much it hurt
finding out online,

rather than just from you?

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

I am sorry
that I didn't tell you

and you found out
on the Internet.

But this, for once,
is not about you.

It's about me.

I decide when
I want to come out.

I decide when I tell my parents
or Levi, or you.

Me, not you.

Have you told Levi
or your parents?

Yes?

What the fuck, dude?

You're taking this way
out of proportion.

I think this shows
that I care about you the most.

I was the most worried
to tell you.

Does that not mean
anything to you?

No, it doesn't.

Because I should be
the one you come to

when something this important
is happening in your life.

Not Levi.
Not your parents. Me.

And to know that you
can't even talk to me

about something this
important then...

I don't even know what the point
of being friends is anymore.

Oh, this is fucked up.

You're making this fucked up.

Fine. Be silent.
Whatever, I'm over it.

I can't take this anymore.
I feel like I've lost you.

It's been 12 hours.

Well, it feels like years
to me, okay?

I wanna talk about this and
you're the one being an asshole.

- Oh, I'm an asshole?
- Yes, you are an asshole.

The whole reason I didn't
tell you I was gay

was because of this... exactly
what you're doing right now.

What am I doing right now?

You're making things
between us weird and awkward.

I'm not mad because you're gay.

I'm mad because
you didn't tell me.

Do you know how hard
it is to come out?

- Obviously not.
- Exactly. Obviously not.

I'm not going to apologize again
for not telling you sooner.

Look, things have been really
rough for me, okay?

My parents are
overly supportive,

Levi's trying to whore me out,

and believe it or not, it's
actually been really difficult

not talking to you
about this all.

I guess I'm just upset with...

The way things are going
in my life.

I just needed someone
to take it out on.

Well, take it out
on your parents,

that's obviously
what they're there for.

Are we okay?

Yeah, we're okay.

Because it doesn't feel
like we're okay.

- Okay, well we're going
to be okay, okay? -Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I've said "okay" so much
in the past minute,

I don't even know
what it means anymore.

Yeah.

No.

- So, straight.
- Mm-hmm.

- Straight.
- Mm-hmm.

Unfortunately, straight.

Uh, gay.

Um, gay, gay,

straight?

No, those were all
straight girls, hon.

How can you tell
just by looking at them?

Years of practice, darling.

I have my gaydar perfected.

- Okay, see the girl over by the tree?
- Yeah.

Gay.

How can you tell that
all the way from here?

I can.
Okay. Try again.

Um...

Hey.

Hey, bitch.

Finished for the day?

- Yep.
- Nice.

What are you guys up to?

Just trying to teach our
little baby dyke over here

how to use her gaydar.

I think I'm getting
really good at it.

No.

Well, who are we looking at?
Can I try?

Why? You're straight.

I don't know.
Maybe to save me from another

15 years of crushing
on Lance bass.

Bless him.

Is it um...

That's what I thought.

Who texted you?

Elliot.

Been texting her
for like two weeks, nonstop.

You don't know that it's Elliot.

I mean, a lot of people text me,

like you or Cassie or my mother.

Did your mom text you?

No.

Thought so.

Who's Elliot?

Elliot, I told you about her.
I met her after class one day.

No, you never mentioned her.

Oh, well, I mean,
it's no big deal.

I met a girl, her name
is Elliot and that's it.

And she wants to ride her face.

Well, maybe just a little.

- She plays soccer.
- You hate sports.

I like girls who play sports,

and that's all that matters.

You should invite her
to our party on Saturday.

Yeah? I really want you
guys to meet her.

I think you'll love her.

She's so cool. I mean,
obviously not as cool as me,

but like, who is?

Gay, straight, gay?

- Damn it.
- So not even close.

I'm thinking of ordering
a pizza.

What do you want on your half?

I'm not really that hungry.
I probably won't have any.

But you're always hungry.

Hey.

Yeah. Right now? Nothing.

Yeah, I'm starving, obviously.

I'll meet you there
in like ten minutes.

Oh, you're coming
to the party tonight, right?

Oh, my god, MacKenzie.

Where did all these
people come from?

I don't know. Only like ten
people said they were coming.

I may have texted
a few extra people.

I mean, ten people's
a gathering, ladies.

This is a party.

Can we get some Beyonce in here?

Oh, my god.

- Why the fuck are they here?
- To ruin your life.

I can't believe he brought her.

Well, I mean I can,
because they're dating.

But you know what I mean.

This is unbelievable.

Has she even gotten her
period yet? She looks 12.

Give me this.

Eww, what was that?

Peach schnapps.

Oh, my god,
you are such a lesbian.

Where's your lover?

She isn't my lover,

because we haven't
"lovered" yet.

She's playing beer pong.

Why don't you go talk to her?

I don't know.
I don't want to bother her.

Oh!

Where did you even find that?

YOLO, bitches!

Please don't ever
say that again.

You are white.

Hey, I'm gonna let you
have this one.

- Let me have it? I won it
fair and square. -Yes.

- The beer pong trophy, -but need I
remind you this is the only time,

- you've ever beaten me. -Is
ripped out of your dead hands...

And the sex is so great.

Mind if we sit down?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, sorry. Promise, I didn't
know what I was gonna do.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Okay, bye.

Uh, hey.

Hey.

Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Cool.

Where the fuck did you go?

So, Tasha.

- It is Tasha, right?
- Yeah.

What's your major?

Bachelor of arts.

Oh, cool.

- In what?
- College.

Love you, bye.

- Hey.
- Hi.

You good?

Yes, I'm good. We already
had that conversation.

Right, yeah.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Okay then.

What the fuck is
MacKenzie doing?

Does she have diarrhea
or something?

Eww.

Just so you know,
I have no idea what I'm doing.

Honestly, neither do I.

Cool.

- Hey, bitch.
- Save me, bitch. Save me.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm Tasha.

I don't fucking care.

Where's MacKenzie?

I don't know. She has
diarrhea or something.

Ew, ew, ew.

- No, no, no.
- I can save her.

Get the fuck out.

Hey, not while you
have diarrhea.

I don't have diarrhea.

I don't.

This is my third beer and I'm
not even feeling anything.

I'm such a tank.

I hate being a tank.

I want liquor.

Go get me liquor.

Right, sorry.
Yep, liquor.

So, who are you? Do you,
like, go to this school?

I'm Cassie.

Matthew's ex, Cassie.

He's never mentioned a Cassie.

We broke up like
three months ago.

And he started dating you, like,
a second after I dumped him.

I think I'm drunk.

Ugh, all right.

Bye, Kathy.

Bye.

Hey, hey.

Where are you going?

I just need some fresh air.

- Hey.
- Oh, jeez.

What are you doing here?

Thought I'd keep you company.

Do you want to talk?

I'm good, thanks.

Well, you seem upset.

I'm fine.

Just go the fuck inside, okay?

Hey, it's mack, talk some wack.

Ew, why did I just say that?

MacKenzie, pick up.

Okay, Matthew just
tried to kiss me,

and he had disgusting
beer breath.

And did you see that stupid, fucking
gay beard he's trying to grow?

Shit. I'm sorry, was that
offensive to you?

I don't know.

And I just stab his stupid, fucking
preschool girlfriend in the face.

And I'm pretty sure
I'm getting my period,

so, would you please
just stop shitting

and just meet me
at our bench, okay?

I need you.

She left this here last night.

It's the only thing I'll ever
have of hers again.

Oh, my god, give me details.

Ugh, it was horrible.

No, it wasn't even horrible,
because it was great.

And then it was horrible.

Why, what happened?

Okay, I'm pretty sure
I'm only telling you this

because I'm still drunk
from last night.

Yeah, I can still smell
the peach schnapps

on your breath, honey.

It's kind of nasty.

Okay, well, like,
we were making out on my bed

- and things were going really
well, you know? -Yeah.

- I was like taking
off her shirt, -oh.

- And like touching her boobies and stuff.
- Go, girl.

- And I was like, yeah, like,
I'm going to do this. -Right.

I'm so gonna do this.
I'm going for it.

- So then I stuck my finger in there.
- Right.

And then I just left it.

You just left what?

My finger?

I just let it sit there like
a motherfucking tampon.

Oh, come on, are you just
going to stand there

and not make fun
of our little homo?

I don't know, Levi,
she's clearly retarded.

I didn't know what
fingering was.

I thought once it was
in there it was just over.

Honey, I'm a gay man,

and I know that's not how
you finger someone.

What was the point of watching
all that lesbian porn then?

I'm so embarrassed.

You should be.

And where the fuck did you
go last night, little missy?

Leaving your own party
like a diva?

I just had to get out.

I couldn't deal with Matthew

and his hooker girlfriend
anymore.

They left pretty soon
after you ditched.

Probably to bang.

Thank you. That makes me
feel so much better.

I don't get it.
You broke up with him.

Do you want to get back
together or something?

I don't know, it's just
like every time...

- What, it's Elliot.
- Yeah.

Hey, I didn't think I was ever
going to talk to you again.

Would you believe me if I told
you that my finger fell asleep?

Oh, that girl's in love.

- It's adorable. -Yeah, and
it's totally selfish.

Oh, don't even.

MacKenzie finally
actually likes someone.

You should just
be happy for her.

I am happy for her.

Just like, why does
she have to be so happy?

- My life's in the shits.
- Oh my god.

What? It's like she never has
time for me or us anymore.

It's all about Elliot.

What's so great about Elliot?

She's not even funny.

She has some great tits, though.

I have great tits.

Yeah, but MacKenzie's not
allowed to put those ones...

In her mouth.

- Girls are such pigs.
- I know, tell me about it.

Dr. Reese, are you going
to ask me about Matthew again?

Because I really don't
want to talk about him.

No, I've all ready been
lectured by the Dean.

Apparently, I crossed
some boundary.

You know, I thought
it was incredibly creepy

that he even knew about it.

And I was just wondering what
your plans were for graduation.

Any jobs lined up?

Well, I got fired
from an internship,

so the job pool is looking
a little shallow.

You know,
I actually know someone

who works at a creative agency

and they are looking
for a junior copywriter.

And I suggested you.

- Are you serious?
- I am.

Oh my god, that's amazing.

The position starts pretty soon,

- so it should be perfect for
when you graduate. -Okay.

- They want to meet you.
- Okay.

And this is the name
of the hr person,

and the name
and contact information

of the creative director.

- Give them a call if you're interested.
- Okay, yeah.

Wow.

Dr. Reese, if you weren't like
an older version of my GBF,

I would totally kiss
you right now.

You have stickers
on your ceiling.

What?

Oh, yeah. Those are those,
you know, star stickers.

What?

You know, the star stickers

of the solar system,
they glow in the dark.

That's so embarrassing.

- Oh. Oh, that's embarrassing?
- Mm-hmm.

Me having the glow-in-the-dark
solar system is embarrassing,

but me sticking my finger in your
vagina to take a nice cozy nap,

that's not embarrassing.

Whoa, who said that wasn't
embarrassing?

That's even
more so embarrassing.

So, can I kiss you now?

Yeah. I think
we're past the point

where you need to ask.

Okay.

Just checking.

Let me just turn this off
really, really quickly.

What's that?

Oh, this is just my Tumblr.

You have a Tumblr?

Oh, yeah, I'm really gay.

Who's that girl?

Oh, that's Shawntelle.

Shawntelle?

Yeah, she's my friend.

Well, technically
she's my Tumblr girlfriend.

- You have a Tumblr girlfriend?
- Yeah. Can you believe it?

I don't even know what she looks
like in real life.

I could be getting catfished
for all I know.

She, like, lives in Texas
or something.

What is happening right now?

Are you leaving?

Yes, mack, I'm leaving.

Why? I thought we were gonna
go get ice cream.

Because you have a girlfriend.

A girl...?

No, she's a Tumblr girlfriend.

She's probably 50 years old

and has two mentally
challenged sons.

Sorry to keep you.
I hope you weren't waiting.

Oh, no, not at all.

Hi, Cassie.

Juliana.
Thanks. Have a seat.

Cassie, where are you?

Come on, pick up.
Pick up. Pick up.

Hey, babes, I can't really
talk right now.

I think I totally
fucked things up.

What is... are you...

Are you having sex right now?

Yeah, babe, I told you I can't
really talk right now.

It's a bad time.

It's totally a good time.

Why did you even
answer the phone?

I'm bottoming, so it's not like
I'm really doing anything.

I did not need to know that.

Call me back when
you're finished.

Oh, oh, god. Now I'm just
thinking about you finishing.

Okay, love you, babe.

Hello? Just kidding.

It's Cassie's voicemail.

Mack, it's Cassie.
I mean, Cassie, it's mack.

MacKenzie.

I think Elliot just dumped
me because of my stupid,

fucking, shitty-ass
Tumblr girlfriend

who doesn't even fucking exist.

Like, why don't they tell you
in the terms and conditions

if you have a Tumblr girlfriend

it apparently counts
as a real one.

Like, how fucking stupid
is that?

What is even the point
of one of those?

To send song lyrics
and pictures back and forth to.

Can I fuck one of those song
lyrics, Cassie?

No, no, I can't.

I mean, technically I can't.

Maybe like, emotionally I can,
somehow, or anyways.

Elliot found out
and now she hates me.

At least I think she does,
I don't know.

She stormed out of here.

I think I love her, Cassie.

I mean, obviously, I don't
because it's been like a month

but I really, really, like her.

You have to help me,
I don't know what to do.

We need to win her back.

Oh, yeah. I just said "we."
This is now a team effort.

I'm gonna go get ice cream.
Meet me at our bench, you know?

Like, stop what you're doing
right now and come meet me.

Like, right now.

Okay, bye.

Hello? Just kidding,

it's Cassie's voicemail.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Just don't.
I don't want to hear it.

What do you mean you
don't want to hear it?

I mean I don't want to hear
you complain about

whatever it is you're going
to complain about.

I don't care.

I don't care about
your problems, MacKenzie.

And I especially don't care
about whatever it is

you did to fuck up your
relationship with Elliot.

This might come as a shock,
but it is your duty

as my best friend
to care about these things.

You have to listen
and let me vent

about whatever I want
to vent about.

So, if I want
to complain all day

about the stupid woman
in the snuggie commercial

who doesn't even know how to fucking
read with a blanket on her,

like, actually, if you're
having trouble reading

and keeping a blanket on you,

then you should have
your children taken away

because clearly you're not
fit to be a parent.

Then you will agree
and you will vent with me,

because that is what
best friends do.

No, it's not.

That's not what
best friends do, MacKenzie.

Best friends are honest
with each other.

Best friends tell each other

when they think the other person's
being stupid and ridiculous.

Did you hear that?

Best friends are honest.

Oh. Oh. Is that what
we're doing right now?

We're being honest
with each other.

Okay, yeah, sure,
I can be honest.

Let's be honest.

This plan of yours,
this life plan,

is the stupidest thing
I've ever seen in my life.

Like, what is the point of this?

Why do you still have this
hanging on our fridge?

Did you laminate
your fucking life plan?

At least I'm still thinking about
what kind of future I want.

What are you even doing
with your life

besides getting catfished
on the Internet?

Oh, don't you bring
Shawntelle into this.

You are so self involved,
you didn't even notice

that I had a job interview today

for my dream job
at a creative agency.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't
my dream job,

because my dream job involves
Ryan gosling feeding me grapes,

but it was still
a really good job.

And you didn't even know

because if it doesn't have
anything to do with you,

you don't even care.

Really?
Really, Cassie?

You're calling me
self-involved?

How about this one?

You didn't even know
that I was gay.

Everyone, literally everyone
could tell you,

but my furious lesbianism
didn't even faze you

because you're so wrapped
up in your head.

You had a boyfriend.

You were dating Andrew.

So, how was I supposed to know?

Did you think that I actually
liked dating Andrew?

The only reason
that I dated him was

because his dick
was so fucking small

that it was pretty
much just a vagina.

And as my best friend
you should know this.

My god, you know what?

It was a mistake.

17 years ago, when I saw
that you had beach time Ken,

and I had ball gown Barbie, and I
thought they could just get married,

and we could just play together.

I had beach time Ken,

and you still didn't
know that I was gay.

You know what,
maybe this friendship

wasn't supposed
to last this long.

Fine.

I don't know if you
think I'm joking,

but I am being fucking serious.

I am over this friendship.

Okay.

Then I hope you enjoy your
single, lonely life, Cassie.

With all of your friends
on Facebook and Twitter.

Because newsflash, they don't
care about you like I do.

I hope you're grabbing
your shit so you can move out,

because I don't want
you here anymore.

Of course that's what I'm doing.

Do you think I'm
spontaneously cleaning?

I'm going, and it's not
because you're kicking me out,

it's because I'm choosing to go.

Great, because I can't stand
to be around you.

- Great.
- Okay, then.

- Okay, then.
- Then just go.

That's exactly what
I'm going to do.

- Go.
- Fine.

Go then.

In my hand,
I hold one last rose.

You know what?
I should be on a reality show.

Like, seriously.

The shit that happens to me,
it's ridiculous.

People would love
watching my life.

What are you saying tonight?

- This.
- Hot.

What's your lover doing?
It's Saturday.

I don't have a lover anymore,
remember?

I have a Tumblr girlfriend
that's probably

a 40-year-old, bald
convenience store worker.

Ew.

What are you doing tonight?

The usual.

Can I come?

It's a bunch of us gays,
so... no.

But I'm gay now.

You're a lesbian, honey.

What's the difference?

Oh, my god.

Oh, you're so cute sometimes.

It's endearing, don't worry.

So how did Cass end up keeping
the apartment in the divorce?

I gave it to her,
like I gave her my heart.

It's tragic.

Oh, I need to get ready.

Um, do you want
the rest of my burrito?

What a stupid fucking question.

Of course I want your burrito.

I know, I can always
count on you.

Oh shit.

Christine, you are funny,

smart, cultured, generous.

And one of the most interesting
people I've ever met.

But I have to give
my final rose to Brittany

because she is way too hot.

Hey.

What are you up to?

Do you want to come over?

Hi.

Hey.

Don't yet, just wait.

Shit. I didn't actually think you
were actually going to be here.

Why?

It's like Friday night
at 11:00.

I assumed you'd be out
drinking or something.

It's Saturday night.

See, I don't even
know my own life.

Well, we have a tourney
tomorrow, so...

Right, for soccer.

Yes.

I sent you a bunch of texts.

I never heard back from you.

I got them.

Can I just come in?
I really wanna talk to you.

I don't think so.

I have to get up early to leave
for the tournament tomorrow,

and, honestly, I just don't really
want to talk to you right now.

Oh, yeah, no, that's totally
understandable.

Can I just say again though
that I'm really sorry?

I'm stupid, okay?
Like, really, really, stupid.

Like, should-be-tested stupid.
I think that's pretty evident.

I'm new to all this. I just
didn't know about the whole...

Tumblr girlfriend thing.

No, it's ignorance.

Bye, mack.

Fuck.

Where are you going?

Well, the game show channel
is calling my name, so...

Cool.

I'm down to watch some TV.

Oh, um...

This is awkward.

This was just a Booty call,
okay, so...

I just wanted some Booty.

What?

You know, I have a girlfriend.

Yeah, and it's obvious
you like her very much.

So, I'm gonna go watch the feud.

But thank you
for fulfilling my needs.

Well, that's tough.

Laura, on to you.

We've surveyed 100 women
and asked what is the worst...

I am only coming back
because I need more underwear.

Text message.

What was that?

What was what?

Mack.

You guys have a fight
or something?

She's a self-involved bitch
and a shitty friend.

So she's just like you.

Thought I had more underwear.

Apparently I only have
three pairs. Light days it is.

Bye, Matthew.

Yeah, bye.

What is the worst way
to dump someone?

Juliana.

It's so nice to see you again.

Hi, Cassie.

It's great to see
you again, too.

I have some news that I think
you'll be interested in.

Is it just me or is Elliot being

completely ridiculous
and over-reacting?

Well, I don't know, I guess.

It's Tumblr, like relax.

Maybe you should talk to her.

I already did try talking
to her, I went to her house,

but she slammed
the door in my face.

She won't return my calls, my texts.
I'm running out of ideas.

What if you sent flowers?
Girls love flowers.

I think if you like this girl, you
should really try to make it work.

Okay, first, mom, flowers?
That's lame.

Second, whose side are you on?

Because what it sounds like to
me is that you're on her side.

I'm Switzerland.

What does that have
to do with anything?

You're father's laughing
hysterically right now.

He thought my joke was funny.

You guys are so weird.

You look skinny.
Are you not eating?

No, mom, stop being a mom.

You should be bitching with me.

Say something mean about
Elliot so I feel better. Go.

When your father and I were
watching "the l word"

and Bette cheated on Tina,
she sent flowers and apologized.

So I think that's
what you should do.

Oh, and write a note that says
"you hold all the cards."

For the love of god, stop
watching "the l word" with dad.

Just stop watching it.

I don't know, honey,
maybe you should be talking

to Cassie about all this.

We're still fighting.

What about Levi?

He's too busy
fucking beautiful men.

I hope he's using protection.

Well, this conversation
is not helping at all.

Are all girls
this crazy and dramatic?

Probably.

Where are you and dad
saying tonight?

We're talking to you, honey.

No, saying, like what
are you doing?

Oh, I need to look up
that slang word.

We are going golfing
with Tracy and Steve.

Gay.

You really shouldn't say that.

No, no, I'm allowed to say it.

I am gay so it's fine, like,
all black people are allowed

- to call themselves...
- I don't think so.

I'm miserable.

Oh, honey, your father's
yelling at me. We're late.

Sorry, pumpkin, we have to go.

But I just told you
I was miserable.

We love you.

I hate you.

I'm coming with you.

I belong in New York.

Like, look at this face.
This is totally a New York face.

Did you know rent for a 300 square
foot apartment is like $1800?

Okay, maybe I have more
of an L.A. face.

So, I haven't heard from
MacKenzie in a couple days.

I assume she's losing her mind.

From what?

You moving to New York.

Oh, please.
I didn't even tell her.

You fucking kidding me?

She didn't tell me she was gay,

so I'm not gonna
tell her I'm moving.

Yeah, that's not the same thing
at all, you know that right?

Well, why don't you
tell her then?

Okay, I'm just really tired
of being the GBF

that just literally helps
you two with your problems.

I have a life too, you know?

Did you know I can speak
three languages?

You do not.

Okay, correction, I could
if I learned them.

Put that on your resume.

I mean, what are you guys
even arguing about?

You have three minutes
to tell me,

because I have a date tonight.

What? It's 11:00.

Okay, grandma.

MacKenzie is just
so self-involved.

It's like she got a girlfriend
and completely forgot I existed.

This is coming from the girl
who had no idea

that her best friend was gay.

Okay, you know what?
She had a boyfriend.

And, sure, her fashion sense
isn't the greatest,

but she is color blind

and a lot of girls like hiking
and outdoorsy stuff

and have posters
of Michelle Rodriguez on...

Shit.

There we go.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Well, whatever.

I'm moving to New York,
and I'm not telling her.

That's that.

Okay, look, you're a big girl.
You can do whatever you want.

I'm just the really sexy gay man
who gives exceptional advice,

so you don't have to listen
to me or anything,

but you're going to regret this.

Just like you'll regret this
outfit you put on tonight.

MacKenzie bought me this shirt.

You two should be in each other's
lives until one of you dies.

And let's be real, it's most
likely going to be MacKenzie

from choking on some
sort of food.

She needs to learn to stop
talking while she's eating,

it's revolting.

What if she doesn't want me
in her life anymore?

I mean, she's gay now.

And I'm straight, so we just
don't have anything in common.

You're being so dramatic.

MacKenzie's always
been gay, babe.

So, guess what?

Nothing's changed.

Don't ruin this friendship over,
literally, like, nothing.

You do give really good advice.

I know. I think I should have
my own morning talk show.

Oh, my god, I would totally
not watch that.

I would never bring you on,
just so you know.

Fuck this fucking site.

Un-fucking-believable.

What the fuck is this fuckery?

Oh, fuck.

How did I not know
you were a lesbian?

Where the fuck are my keys?

Hey.

Hey.

Were you seriously going
to leave without telling me?

No, I was literally on my way,
right now, to tell you.

Oh my god,
we are scarily similar.

New York, huh?

What are we gonna do?

I guess we'll just have
to have phone sex everyday

until you can visit me
on weekends?

Look, I wanna give you
this big, apologetic speech

about what a shitty
friend I was...

You don't have to.

I think we both said
things that we regret and...

We've both kind of been
shitty friends lately.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

I'm sorry, too.

In fact... I actually wrote
a song about it.

- What?
- Yeah.

I wrote this song when I heard
you were going away,

and I just thought, like,

"that's like the perfect way
to send her off."

So I'm just going to sing it
right now, okay?

- Oh.
- Okay.

Here we go,
I'm going to sing it.

What?

Oh, my god.
I'm obviously joking.

I can't even
go through with this.

- Okay, I was like "what the hell is
going on right now?" -Jesus Christ.

I was like, "I don't know how

I'm just going to pretend
to enjoy this shitty song

that she prepared for me."

Okay.

I actually do have something
for you, though.

Oh, my god.

Is this beach time Ken?

In the flesh.

Literally in the flesh.

I could not find
his clothes anywhere.

You're gonna need something

to remind you of me in New York.

And this naked, plastic man...

Wait.

This is for you.

Is this ball gown Barbie?

I'm going to fucking miss you,
you loser.

I can't find it anywhere.
Where is it?

Hmm?
What are you looking for?

The t-shirt. The god damned
t-shirt, babe.

Um, what does it look like?
I'll help you look.

It's pink and it says
"kindest regards" on it.

I don't get it.

It's an inside joke
with Cassie, never mind.

You're hiding things
from me now?

- You know that Cassie and I are
ex-lovers, right? -Mm-hmm.

- You jealous?
- Yeah.

No, no, honey, we have to be
there in like 20 minutes.

Yeah, that's not gonna stop me.

Wait, wait, what time is it?

- What?
- What time is it?

I don't know, 2:25.

Shit, we're late.

- Yeah.
- Okay, go faster.