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(crying)

(keys ticking)

(light piano music)

(keys ticking)

(Christmas music)

- [Male Student]
Media studies 516.

Professor Kane.

Moneyballs, why
baseball sucks now.

Jocks play sports
and nerds don't.

- [Female Student]
The one chair.

For this paper, I've
assembled the ultimate

"Game of Thrones"
fan fiction index.

Reverse ranked by character
life expectancy and cra--

- [Woman] Fox News is terrible.

Here's why it makes money.

The answer may shock you.

When I turn on my TV--

- [Sigurd] Media studies 516.

Professor Marty Kane.

December 12th, midterm.

Sigurd Rossdale.

The subject of
this paper is, was,

to be the chrysalis phase
of American pop stars.

Wherein high profile
performers alter their image,

change their public face,

become a being so
diametrically opposed

to who they once were,

that the transformation
can only be likened

to a new stage of life.

The more I
investigated, however,

the more it struck me

that often there is
no transition phase.

Sometimes people just
change, overnight.

So, the author of this paper,
(light guitar music)

- [Annalee] I am
not Sigurd Rossdale.

Hereinafter referred
to as Shit Heel.

I am Shit Heel's ghost writer.

I'm not a student.

I was.

But then tuition like
tripled, my grant got cut.

I chose dropping out
over going broke.

So fuck it.

Now this is my life.

I write and sell
papers to students.

A lot of students.

Yes, even some from
your classes, Professor.

(chattering)

But this story is
not about them.

This story is about Shit Heel,

and you're not gonna like it.

I should have known better

the second I walked in the door.

He handed me a Red Bull

like I was the one with
the bloodshot eyes.

The place reeked of
bong water and bullshit.

Wow, are we gonna be
longer than I thought?

- Discussion of the
subject is important.

- How much floor space
does talking take?

- I want this to
sound authentic.

- Don't trust me?

- I don't know you.

- Papers you sent me were
plenty sample materials.

- Don't judge.

See, you're emulating now.

- 10 pages, single spaced,
"Simpsons," celebrity cameos.

No, I was making it sound like

the person who wrote
that had a good idea.

- You know, I have a 4.0.

Ow, oh, ow.

- He has a four point?

Got a needle?

- No, I don't sew.

- Of course not.

- [Sigurd] You use a needle?

- Works.

- Ow.

I might have a safety pin.

- It's a crap class, you know.

- What?

Alt Cinema?

- Professor's a wanker,

the topics are
pretentious, and so is he.

You know, he doesn't
accept papers by email.

- Oh, I know.

- And Alternative
Cinema, really?

Alternative to what?

That assumes a norm
that cannot be assumed.

- You don't think there's
a norm in filmmaking?

- [Annalee] Hell no.

Unless you mean contemporary,

American heterosexual
filmmaking.

- That's the point.

That is exactly what was meant.

- Is that shit on the end?

- Oh, it's resin.

Here, you want some?

- No.

Some grad student.

Alt Cin is a 200 level.

It's for sophomores
and burn outs.

Should you towel the door?

No offense.

The pin.

- I did.
- No.

(Sigurd coughing)

- [Sigurd] It's right here.

- It's filthy.

Hey.

Finger.

- Oh.

Ow.

Fuck it, ow, ow, shit.

- Look, I'm not a surgeon.

You do your finger,
and I'll stop the pain.

- I hadn't finished
telling you how I want--

- It's fine.

Hidden homo eroticism
in mainstream movies,

1980 to present.

- Don't say movies.

- You're one of
those film assholes.

You cannot say movies.

You must say film.

Almost be cute if it
weren't incorrect.

- Movies is slang
for motion picture.

We don't fucking
call 'em talkies.

- What if they're shot on HD?

What are they then,
film or video?

- The term film has come to mean

to the collective film--

- That's it's only job.

All movies depict movement,

but not all films
are shot on film.

- It implies respect
for the subject.

- For the subject?

No, it's personal.

You film students, it'd have
to be called video students,

and who wants that?

- My finger really
fucking hurts.

- Next time leave
the bed where it is.

- Am I paying you?

- [Annalee] Not yet you haven't.

- Oh, it's right there.

So listen to me.
- On the dresser?

- I have my thesis to work on.

I have no interest
in this class.

The Prof is a wanker,

and if it wasn't a requirement,

I would take a dump in
his lectern and walk off.

- I'll stop you right there.

- But it is a requirement.

And my success, my
academic success,

which in turn determines
my professional success,

is very, very important to me.

I sleep on alternate Tuesdays.

And here is this class,

these bullshit
credits to fulfill,

which do
abso-fucking-lutely nothing,

so you, this, this
is time management.

You are not here because
I can not write a paper.

You are not here to
Cyrano some fool to glory.

You are here to do my chores.

- Yeah, fine.

- And I want my
chores done right.

- I can't defend
what happened next.

Have fun, Cinderella.

I don't need this shit.

- It's a bad way to do business.

- I do business
with whom I choose.

One thing I'm not is
your fucking maid.

I don't do windows,
I don't take orders.

And if you have a
problem with that,

good luck finding a house
keeper who knows Fellini.

So, want to do this or what?
(light music)

- Yeah, I do.

- Yeah.

You do.

No, no, no no no.

I think he's a witch.

I got it all worked out.

- Yeah?

- Title and everything.

- Alright, let's hear it.

- "Last Tango in Cash in Paris,"

everything you
might have suspected

about the buddy flick,

but were too afraid to ask.

- Wow, that's really good.

Floor or bed?

- Whatever.

- Ow, oh.

- Got it.

That was probably a mistake.

A fun mistake.
(light guitar music)

But I was kicking myself

before I even got home.

The last thing you want

is a client like Shit Heel

getting confused
about what he bought.

I wrote his paper,
hastily, if I'm honest.

Thought that was the
last I'd see of him.

But some people have a
way of finding you again.

- Hi.

Busy?

(keys ticking)

- I have a meeting.

You're gonna scare him off.

- Is it business or pleasure?

- Definitely business.

- I got an A in Alt Cinema.

- Knew you would.

- Well, you did.

So please, hats off.

- It's been on cable all month.

Kane's a sucker for puns.

The rest writes itself.

- Oh.

You should charge extra.

- Writing papers?

- Yeah, make it a surcharge.

Why not?

- Some people don't want As.

- Really?

- Yeah, I mean,
they might want 'em,

but some people have never
had an A in their lives.

Wouldn't seem like their work.

That's how you get busted.

- Yeah, yeah.

If pride goeth before I fall.

- I'm serious, he won't
come if you're here.

- Did you write it
for him already?

He'll come.

- Freshman.

First time.

- Now I see why you're so cocky.

You do frosh papers.
- Go away.

- I have a project for you.

- Due when?

I'm busy these days.

- Next week, Tuesday.

- What's the class?

- Politics and Policy.

- I thought you
were media studies.

- Well, politics
is a media event.

- Such bullshit.

- No, no, policy is
shaped by our perception.

Our perception of politicians
and their campaigns,

their affairs, how they
appear on television,

or HuffPo, or--
- Yeah I get it.

But shouldn't the
class be called

Policy and Politics
through the media,

or something
over-descriptive like that?

- No, no, that would presume

that we're viewing our subject
from a tangential position.

Without the media, there is
no such thing as politics.

Null and void.
- That's ridiculous.

Process and principles
of government.

What they do, simple as that.

- No, leaders who make decisions

without the public's knowledge

is internal affairs, covert ops.

That is not politics.

- You're baiting me.

- [Sigurd] Well if a
tree falls in the forest.

- It fucking makes a sound.

That's the stupidest
saying ever.

- Okay, maybe.

But there's no one
around the describe it.

Fuck.

Hey, you don't like me now?

- I never liked you.

- Well you haven't
heard my proposal yet.

- Policy, politics,
told you, I'm busy.

- What if I booked you 'til
the end of the semester?

Wait a second.

All of my classes, everything.

- You can't afford it.

- I'm dead serious.

I could bankroll
you exclusively.

- You want me to be
your paper slave?

- Ghost writer, thank you.

Come on, you can focus.

No frosh year remedial math.

No switching voices.

It's one family of topics.

- Family isn't right.

- It just makes it easier.

Most of the work is
for one professor.

- Wanker?
- Yes, the very one.

He does Alt. Cinema 516--

- 516?

- Yeah, Media Studies 516.
- I know.

Isn't that like the
foundation of your degree?

(sighing)

- If you want to be
technical, yes, it is--

- You want me to ghost
the most important class.

- No, there is nothing
important about that class.

After six years, I can tell you,

all I want are the
letters after my name.

All the school wants are
federally-backed loans.

That is a deal we cut.

The only thing I will do in here

that matters out
there is my thesis.

- I don't like it.

- [Sigurd] Why not?

You score grades all the time.

- Not all scores
are created equal.

Some are froshy papers.

Cookie cutter stuff.

I can pull one in advance.

I've done from my vault.

- You have a vault?

- Yeah, how do you think
I keep up with demand?

I only do original material.

- I kind of thought
that was the idea.

- You'd be surprised how
many ghosts are still swift.

- But not you.

- Straight lifts from
excellent material,

even light lifts
can get you flagged

by the grading software.

The only business that matters
is repeat business, so yeah.

- Excuse us.
- I have a vault.

But that won't work for you.

You need tailors.

Custom designs for your
very own special voice.

A whole semester's worth.

Do you get what that entails?

- I will pay you double.

Admit it, you ever try to
lift a whole degree before?

- What about the other thing?

- That's your name for it?

- I just want to
know what to expect

as your paper slave.
- No, subcontractor.

- Cyrano.

You're Cyrano.

I don't understand this at all.

Thus began a fruitful time.
(light music)

A collaborative time.

I cut loose my other clients,

which felt uncomfortably
like going steady.

But there just
wasn't room for 'em.

For weeks, I was camped
out at his apartment,

writing paper after paper.

I only came back home for my
clothes and birth control.

And when we needed to get out,

we'd go back to campus.

Do the handoff in public.

Like playing spies.

And I had to admit, Sigurd,

Shit Heel was right.

Before we met, I'd been
spinning my wheels.

Lateral movement may
as well be no movement.

For a change, it felt like
I was getting somewhere.

"Video Drum," 1983.
(keys ticking)

James Woods is sucked into
an erotically violent TV show

and grows a tape
deck in his belly.

X extends--
- It's a vagina.

- A vagina tape deck, yes.

X extends 1999 Jude Law
and Jennifer Jason-Leigh

sucked into a violently
erotic video game,

and grow plug-in ports
in the lower spine.

- Not those, they're
their assholes.

- These films were
made 16 years apart.

The only difference between
them is the technology.

- And the orifice.

- Is it just me or
did David Conimer

spend the last 30 years
making the same film?

- You really should try this.

Here look.

Alright, suit yourself.

- We get it, I mean,

man has machine, machine is sex,

and everything else
is really a bug.

- Come on, I'm eating, food.

- This week's paper
is on "Video Drum"

and the employment of
the sexually grotesque.

- Okay.

- Okay, so next week's
paper is on "Dead Ringers"

and the employment of
the sexually grotesque.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- It's about gynecology.

What do you want?

- By the time we
get past spotter,

I would've written
the same thing, like--

- Okay, this has
pineapple in it.

Pineapple is--
- It's not like this

is gonna be interesting.
- [Sigurd] Nature's sponge.

- I mean the guy invented a
forearm that if you just--

- It tastes like
whatever you put it in.

Anything.

- I thought that was tofu.

- No, who eats that?

- He doesn't acknowledge
prior discussion.

He leaves the biggest
questions unasked.

What makes a man dedicate
his life to monstrosity?

What, is it the
monsters inside his head

he needs to get out?

Or are the nightmares
really for us?

Why can't we talk about that?

He asks so little of us.

(chuckling)

What?

- Us.

You're not taking the class.

He asks so little of me.

Come on.

You love it.

- It's just pineapple.

- Cronenberg.

It's indulgence to
spend three grand

or whatever on the seminar.

A purely theoretical discussion

of an eccentric writer-director,

who has no bearing
on foreign policy

or climate change or the debt.

It's a film asshole thing.

And you,

you love it.

(light instrumental music)

- I'm just trying to do my job.

- Hey.

- Yeah?

- Did you try something?

- Yeah, what?

- Don't get freaked out.

Remember you can say no.

- Show me or shut up.

- I have this thing.

- What thing?

- It's a dog fibula.

Not too wide.

What if I gently...

- I don't.

- Or you could.

- No.

- Okay.

- Is it your dog?

- No, no, that would be weird.

I found it, I was hiking.

Wanted to turn it into a pipe.

It's too thin.

- Have you used it before?

On other women.

- No.

No.

- You're lying.

- Yes.

- Who?

- No one important.

- No one?

- It's clean.

- It can't be.

It's porous.

It was in an animal.

Then in the ground.

And in women now.

Different women like you
were checking their oil.

- This bone is
like God's finger.

It can reach where mine can't.

It can touch you in places

that will make you
speak backward.

- You have no idea
how violent you are.

(light instrumental music)

- David Cronenberg was certainly

not the first to link
intercourse with machinery.

But he sure
understood that dance.

He said secretly the edge saw
had a vagina in the front.

Of course, everybody
said, wait a minute.

Cars have to be cocks.

There's gonna be a disaster.

Maybe women will like it.

- Shit Heel doesn't have a car.

He has,
(yelling)

something else.

That is the last time
we fuck in your van.

- [Sigurd] Would
you get back here?

- Last time.

You're too ashamed to
keep me in your room,

find a hotel room, money bags,

which you will pay for.

I don't care how late
your daddy's check came.

- I told you as soon as I get

even a single fucking penny.
- Super, I don't care.

Motel 6 infestations,
very fat desk,

look, anything but that
putrid mother fucking van.

I need air.

Some people had
a camp fire here.

They were drinking the same.

- Yeah, you're probably
sitting in broken glass.

- No more van, God damn it.

The van reeks.

- Well whose fault is that?

It reeks of our love.

- Oh, common cinnamon
Christmas trees.

- I could switch to
pine, if you like.

- You need a whole pine forest.

- [Sigurd] Or the yellow kind.

- What do the yellow
trees smell like?

- Lemon?

- Who cares?

My back is breaking
out from new rock.

- [Sigurd] Prissy.

- I'm not.

- I like my van the way it is.

- Crawling?

- [Sigurd] Says the
woman ass deep in dirt.

- I'm on a log, thank you.

- Which isn't dirty?

- Logs are supposed
to have worms in them.

I think most people would agree

that carpets are--
- Most people are prissy.

Most people have a backwards
view of what is clean

and what is dirty.
- Stop saying that word!

Upholstery causing skin rash,

I would consider--
- You don't have a skin rash.

- I do, look.

- Okay.

Well, that's gross.
- [Annalee] See?

- No, there's nothing there.

I'm kidding, you
don't have a rash.

- I itch.

- Do you want me to clean it?

- Don't touch me.

- The van.

- Do what you want.

- If it bugs you, I'll clean it.

What the fuck?

- What are we even
doing here, Sigurd?

- [Sigurd] It's a field trip.

- How's your thesis
coming along?

Because unless it's
about rotting logs,

I think you're
wasting your time.

I've been sitting in your
apartment for three days now,

and you've been with
me the entire time.

- Well we're out here now.

Your notes are in my van.

- [Annalee] Fuck my notes!

- Vanilla.

Yellow trees are vanilla.

- [Annalee] I wanted to
set fire to something.

(guitar strumming)

I settled for the
next best thing.

Do you recall, Professor,

the feminist-bent
Shit Heel took on

in the weeks after Fall break?

On the sidelines, your
border-line chauvinist

pupil's sudden advocacy
for gender parody on ESPN.

I was sure he'd discover
my quiet rebellion

when the grade came back.

But instead, he asked me to
start doing the drop-offs.

He didn't have time.

His thesis, you know.

It just proved what I'd
already come to suspect.

He was no longer
reading my work.

So I threw one in for spite.

A fleeing of the usual suspects

as exclusionary boys club.

He would sooner call
"Goodfellas" a little slow.

No way he'd let this one slide.

Except he did.

(crowd cheering)

- [TV Announcer] I think
Snoopy has a couple of spots.

(horns blowing)

- Yeah?

- [Sigurd] Hey.

Is it a bad time?

- No, just finishing dinner.

- [Sigurd] Okay, sorry.

I don't want to stand between

you and your pumpkin pies.

- It's fine.

- [Sigurd] So when
finals are over,

we should talk about,

or when the break's over,

we should talk about finals.

- I'm not taking your
finals for you, Sigurd.

If you didn't learn
what you needed to

during the semester.
- [Sigurd] No I know.

I wasn't expecting you to.
- It's not my problem.

What are you
getting out of this?

- [Sigurd] Huh?

- I mean, I don't have
a contract, you know.

So if you're not
into it anymore--

- [Sigurd] There's
this weird noise.

Are you doing
dishes or something?

When I get--

- No, I'm just,

I just said I'm not, I
don't have a contract.

Go ahead.

- [Sigurd] I'm asking you over.

- What?

- [Sigurd] Like a date.

- In your apartment, again.

- [Sigurd] Yeah a viewing party,

for something near to my heart.

Say yes.

- Alright.

(Sigurd laughing)

- [Sigurd] That's close
enough, I'll take it.

Happy Thanksgiving.

- [TV Announcer] Well you know.

There's Snoopy
rounding the corner.

Speaking of Peanuts.

It's a great site to see Snoopy.

(keys ticking)
(light music)

- What the hell are you doing?

- I'm just looking for my damn,

oh fuck.
- What?

What, what?

- No, shoot, it's starting.

- [Woman On TV] I don't know.

I think we should talk
to somebody about it.

- [Man On TV] Oh I don't know.

Everybody will pretty
much everything go there.

It doesn't seem fair.

- See that's what I was--
(shushing)

It's a commercial break.
(shushing)

It's a Wendy's commercial.

- I know, I just can't get
past the square burger.

It doesn't taste the same.

- [TV Announcer] Now at Wendy's.

- God damn, I hate commercials.

Don't you have this shit
on DVD, or something?

- See, if I don't
watch it in real time,

then some other dip shit will,

and that dip shit
will be the dip shit

they base their
fault line up around.

- You know you don't have
a Nielsen box, right?

- DVR, every house is
a Nielsen house now.

- Wait, you have a DVR?

- Yeah.

Whoa, oh.

You have to stop this.

Stop fighting.

(sighing)

(man chattering on TV)

- [Man On TV] Well you know,

I suppose if they were
going to get litigious,

they could all
just come after me.

Being a bad teacher
sometimes has limitation.

- Did the 516 paper
come back yet?

Just wondering if you noticed--

- Apu rocks.

Watch.

- [Apu] Thank you, come again.

(laughing)

- [Man] One beverage please.

- Watch these people here.

Wait for it.

- [Annalee] That's a pretty
straightforward homage.

- Have you seen
Requiem for a Dream?

- How high are you?

- That's genius homage.
- From one to Whitney

Houston in a bath tub.

How high are you right now?

- I mean, I was about
to crack a beer.

Other than that.

- I told you no more
"Simpsons" abstracts.

- Okay, so, alright, we won't.

- And it's not even
an impressive homage.

I mean, we get it.

Homer's drug of
choice is the Ribwich.

It's no more potent than speed

to a dieting
housewife for heroine

to Jennifer Connelly
and what's-her-face.

What's his name?

- He looks like a
girl, Jared Leto.

- Jared fucking Leto.

I mean, this stupid bullshit,

the Ribwich bullshit
is missing the point.

It's missing the ethical debate.

Should Lisa take a bribe,

and take a dive in
the spelling bee,

and let that stupid
poster boy take--

- So you have seen it then?

- Of course I've seen it.

Everyone's seen it.

What happens when she decides
to do the right thing,

she fucks up a word and
she loses everything.

- [Man On TV] Your
kids spells things

pretty good there, Homer.

Yeah, me and Carl
don't spell so good.

- [Carl] Yeah that's right.

- I think you have a
handle on your work.

- [Sigurd] Wait,
what are you doing?

- Just watch the TV, it's fine.

- The whole point was
to watch with you.

You know, you come over,

we watch a dumb cartoon,
and have a laugh,

maybe make out a little.

- Discussion of the
subject is important.

- What subject?

- [Annalee] It's what you said.

- You want to discuss
the "Simpsons?"

- You don't want to
discuss anything.

- Alright, I'm fucking lost.

- Forget it, just
watch your show.

(crashing)

You insisted we discuss
every and and the

in every single paper.

My academic success
is important to me.

That's what you said.
- You remember saying

I didn't trust you?

- You're missing the point.

- You are bent on
feeling insulted.

Come on.

Hey, you're gonna
freeze your tits off.

- Fuck you!

These papers are for
your graduate degree.

They're part of what
you do to earn it.

- A diploma does not
mean that you're smart.

It means you do as you're told.

- Yeah, it's part
of the deal you cut,

and you're welshing on the deal.

- It's right, I could
just drop out like you.

- I couldn't afford it.

I don't have your money.

- Oh you didn't respect it.

You think the achievement
itself is specious

and the arbiter is someone whose
intellect is beneath yours.

He expects so little
of us, you remember?

- I don't sound like that.

- Fuck, alright,
just take your coat.

- You know, I'm smarter than
all the fuckers out there.

But when I go, when I leave,

when this falls through,

I'll be qualified for a
minimum wage at Jamba Juice,

and that's not fair.

- Fair?

How long have you been
haunting this joint,

getting freshmen out
of their homework?

- It's what I know how to do.

- There's a moral answer.

- I never claim morals.

- But you did question mine.

- Look, I know
everyone could benefit

from a secretary, I get that.

I did it not because
of the money.

Well, okay, a lot
because of the money,

but because I felt like we
weren't cheating doing this.

- We were always cheating.

- But you obviously
cared about the work.

You got so turned on by ideas.

I don't know, I
thought maybe one day

you might even show
me your thesis.

But it's been all
"Simpsons" and dirty sex.

Maybe you just used me.

I don't know, I thought
you were different.

- You thought what?

- I thought you were different.

I was right.

- Okay I've used you.

Okay, I used you, as a friend.

I've used you as a lover.

As an equal, as a superior mind.

But here's the thing.

When someone says I
could use you here,

what they mean is
I want you here.

I want you here.

You keep me awake.

I don't hound you
about my papers

because I trust you.

I trust you, Annalee.

I sure could use you here.

- For an asshole,
that was awful sweet.

So you want to
talk a little later

about the next 516 paper?

- Colbert's on soon.

- I mean it.

I want to start talking again.
- Okay, okay, okay.

- I was thinking,

the chrysalis phase
of American pop stars.

- Oh, that's terrific.

What does that mean?

- What's this?

I did it not because
of the money.

A lot because of the money.

Sigurd, what the fuck?
(light ominous music)

I am not Sigurd Rossdale.

Hereinafter referred
to as Shit Heel.

(light instrumental music)

Told you you weren't
gonna like it.

I expect you know what
to do now, Professor.

Happy Solstice.

The paper store.

- I want to thank you
both for coming here.

Miss Monaghan, it's good
to finally meet you.

- [Annalee] Mm-hmm.

- [Professor Kane] Mr. Rossdale.

- Can we skip this?

I just want to know if
I should be packing.

- You should be packing.

- You've got nerve.

- You bet ya.
- Alright, alright.

We're just here to talk.

- Why?

You got his paper
three weeks ago.

Shit Heel should be halfway
up his own creek by now.

- That's nice.

- [Professor Kane]
It's Winter break.

I think that creek
is frozen right now.

- Nice.

- The Dean isn't coming
back from Beaumont Somero,

wherever he is, just
to sort out this,

well we don't really know
what to call this, do we?

- Don't we?

What do you need?

Do you need it in writing?

Oh, that's right, you
have it in writing.

- Your version.

- Oh, did you want
to make a statement?

Please.

I implore you, go on.

I didn't think so.

I can't imagine you painting

a more thorough
picture than she did.

Which brings me to the question.

Annalee, if I may.

What did you hope to accomplish

by sending this to me?

- I wanted to bust his ass.

- [Professor Kane] You said
that I might be familiar

with some of your prior work.

- My clients are my business.

- Yell cheating on
a college campus

is like yelling suicide
is a psych ward.

Your little confessional.

- Not confessional, expose.

When you confess,
you sign your name.

- [Professor Kane] He only
had so many bargaining chips.

He had to figure he was
gonna use one of them.

- Yeah, I didn't think
he'd be that stupid.

What should Sigurd
do, boys and girls?

A, he could plead ignorant,

call the paper a prank.

Something a classmate made up,

or freaky ex-girlfriend.

Or B, he could hand
deliver the one person

that would corroborate
the whole thing with,

you know, hard evidence.

That's a thinker, alright.

But you know what?
- If you're so smart,

why'd you show up?

- Admit it.

You ever try to lift an
entire degree before?

- Her version.

- I understand if we want
to hear your version,

all we have to do is press play.

I have to ask.
- I can't wait to hear this.

- What the hell
were you thinking?

You've seen Serpico.

You know how this turns out.
- Oh my God.

Is that what you were doing?

What, did someone promise
you the Dean's list

to take down the paper store?

- Your vanity is ridiculous.

- Then why?

- It was for my thesis.

- You're so full of shit.

- Look, it's
difficult to help you

if you're gonna be like--
- Fuck him.

Nail him to the wall.

Leave my name out of it,

and I will hand over--
- I'm afraid

I can't promise that.

- Why not?

- What kind of pull do you
think I have around here?

Huh?

I'm not even tenured.

- Well fuck it.

Bet you wish you had eight
copies now, huh, wanker?

- Alright, you're free
to go, Mr. Rossdale.

Without evidence,
your ass is un-busted.

Miss Monaghan, somebody
will be in touch.

- No problem.

I got more pen names than
you've had tables for one.

- And the University
has a semester's worth

of your work that it can
pour into its software.

One customer with a zero,

and your brand equity
is zilch on this campus.

- What I do, I can
do from anywhere.

Once I'm gone, I'm gonna
email this to someone

who gives a shit.

- And then what?

What, you move to a town

where nobody knows your name?

In a business that
you can't advertise?

What are you gonna rebuild?

I can see you
found a marketplace

for your considerable skill set.

All these lazy students.
- Oh come on.

- Just addicted.
- [Sigmund] Really?

- To instant reward.

Now maybe his academic
record should be invalidated,

but if I send this upstairs,

you go along with it,

and you will never be
allowed on this campus again.

And not just here.

Any request for your transcripts

will turn up this story
like a scarlet letter.

Now if this becomes
a formal inquiry,

it's out of my hands.

Any help that I can give you

begins and ends in this office.

I don't want to see you end up

behind a counter of a,
what was it, Jamba Juice?

(light music)

- So what's he get,
community service?

- [Professor Kane]
Sigurd, for you,

I think we just
turn back the clock.

You get incompletes until
the work can be redone.

And that's redone by you.

In case that part was unclear.

- [Sigurd] We take
three classes,

plus my course load for Spring.

Shit, while we're at it,

why don't we add a dance minor?

- [Professor Kane]
A second chance,

that doesn't appeal to you?

- [Sigurd] No it's not
that, it's my schedule.

There is no room.

- [Professor Kane] Make some.

- [Sigurd] No see,
if I don't stay

on the two year track then
none of this matters anyway.

- [Professor Kane] As they say

in the knock knock
joke, boo-hoo.

- [Sigurd] I'll submit make-ups.

- [Professor Kane]
Well then you'll always

count as pass-fail,

which does some damage
to your four point.

- [Sigurd] Fine, God damn it.

I will retake Alt. Cin
to keep me cum laude.

- [Professor Kane] Done.

But there will be new
films this semester,

so don't think you can
just grab her old notes.

(yelling)

- [Sigurd] And her,
what does she get?

- Happy Monday to you all.

Welcome to Alternative Cinema.

For those of you who
don't know who I am,

shame on you.

My name is Professor Marty Kane.

Please enter that into your
auto-complete settings.

Let me introduce Miss Monaghan.

Our new TA.

Please consider her a resource.

She is available
for free individual

and group tutoring
throughout the semester.

You can sign up for a
session after the class.

Now, Alternative Cinema.

Begs the question,
alternative to what?

Does the phrase assume a norm

that cannot be assumed.

Are we presupposed
to what is proper

versus what is deviant?
(light music)

What is clean versus
what is dirty?

Or more importantly,

are you, the audience,

Miss Monaghan.

Miss Monaghan, are we ready?

Come here, come here.

I got it, I got it.

We instinctively trust
the voice in our ears,

even if we know that
voice is fallible.

This is the way that cinema

can rob us of our compass,
moral or otherwise.

Now can anybody
give me an example?

Miss Monaghan, how about you?

- Yeah.

Sure.

The cabinet of Dr. Kalagari

is considered the
grandfather of the form.

One of the first examples
of frame story in film,

we believe that our
narrator is the hero,

as he uncovers
Kalagari's secrets,

only to learn that
his story is fiction,

and that he is insane.

- Excellent, yes.

Excellent.

- [Sigurd] Bullshit.

- I'm sorry?

- Her example is bullshit.

Being nuts didn't affect

the narrator's ability
to tell his story.

It was a yarn for
the other inmates.

So what if it's not true?

Neither is "Three Little Pigs."

- But he thinks it's true.

Which makes us think it's true.

That's the definition of
an unreliable narrator.

- Oh.

I'm sorry.

No, I get it now.

So he's a liar.

But since he's the
only one talking,

everyone has to take
him at his word.

Okay, yeah, cool.

- These are excellent,

excellent points, both of them.

Very good, I think
it's time to move on.

Anybody else?

Yes, Mr. Hooper.

- You mean, like "Fight Club?"

(some laughing)

- Only in the most
derivative sense.

Kalagari has proven seminal.
(light music)

Hitchcock famously drew
on Varner's masterpiece.

- [Sigurd] Media Studies 516.

Professor Marty Kane.

Make-up assignment number one.

Topic, confirmation bias,

or why Freddie Nuendeich
got what he deserved.

You don't need anyone to go

all Spanish prisoner
on you to be duped.

Whether it's Dean
Keaton's guilt,

or Mr. Orange's innocence.

People only look for the
things they want to find.

Maybe that's why
it's so easy for you

to believe that a feminist paper

couldn't possibly be mine.

So, setting the record straight,

I was never against
female sports reporters.

It takes guts to
grill a safe seed

about his botched coverage.

Even more guts to
do it in heels.

But there's a reason
for the gender gap

in the sports
broadcasting booth,

and it's not chauvinism,
it's experience.

There are men behind a desk

who can barely put
a sentence together,

but we value their opinions
because they've been there.

They've been elbowed by
Kobe, beaten by Pedro,

sat on by Helotsian Gotta.

But no matter how much game tape

Susie Colber breaks down,

the biggest NFL hit
she's ever taken

was Joe Namath's whiskey breath.

So, until the WNBA spits
out a few more retirees,

or until we from the
Rockford Peaches,

those gals are on the sidelines

because that's where
their experience lies.

- [Professor Kane] Certainly
long days journey into night,

then Williams came on board.
- Reynaldo, put it away.

- Making an impact not
only on New York theater,

but then transitioning
to celluloid with--

- [Sigurd] All I'm saying is,

you can't know what
the game is like

until you've played it.

- And then we consider
women under the influence.

- There was a vibe there.
- It has nothing to do

with knives, it has
nothing to do with murder.

- Whatever, whatever,
whatever, whatever.

- It has to do with
how he identifies.

- I watched that
movie like twice.

I still don't know
what's going on.

Is there a body or not?
- Dude, do you know

that's not the point, right?
- Of course it's the

freaking point, Annalee.

The dude is blowing
up the picture

over and over and over.
- Yeah, the name

of the movie is Blowup, okay?
- Guys, stop!

- Wow, you're a smart
one, aren't you?

- Why are you convinced
this is so hard?

It is not differential calculus.

You just need to be alive
and occasionally awake.

Hooper.
- I was tired.

- I was awake.

- It still don't
make no damn sense.

I just want to drive that home.

- You know what,
there is literally

no wrong answer here.

How did it make you feel?

- Fucking pissed.

- Great, why?

- 'Cause Kane's gonna
give him another D.

- You came, both races.

- Antonio need a provocateur.

If you felt like
pissed at the end,

there's a chance you
understood it exactly.

- I really didn't.

- Oh, Anna, come on.
- What did I say?

- This is your job,
last time I checked.

- You know I didn't gather
you together, right?

You signed up for
this, you volunteered.

I have my own homework.

Risk aversion psychology
in End Person Games

for Dr. Uva due tomorrow.

And if you don't
know what that means,

just know it's gonna take

a little more than 90 minutes

and some popcorn to prep.

But you all just want
some spoon fed answer

you can plug into your papers.

- Yeah, unless you want
to write it for us, too.

Now that would be sweet.

- For real, yo.
- [Guy] He showed our class.

He said that was totally fine.
- How much you think

something like that cost?

- If you listen to
nothing else I say,

just listen to this,
for your own good.

You can never ever
trust the people

that deal in that world.

You will get caught.

Ogden minus six.

Archiati minus 12.

- I weep for their
squandered tuition.

- A parents tuition and don't.

It's their fault
she's like that.

- How is that fair?

- That kind of
dumb is cultivated

like a rare and
beautiful orchid.

Gina Richard minus seven.
- These are not the results

I hoped for when you started
teaching my students.

- Sub-par sows ear.

I mean, no one should have told

Mitchell Hooper
to go to college.

- Einstein said,

"Everybody's a genius,

"but if you judge a fish

"by his ability
to climb a tree."

- Yeah, it's on your wall.

Mitchell Hooper is a fine fish,

but you know, academia
is not his tree.

Smart enough to write
'em but not read 'em.

- Don't bother.

It's just a 516.

- I know what it is.

I can take it.

Lance Armstrong, Milli Vanilli,

and the little shit
who cried wolf.

B minus.

That's a lot of
red for a B minus.

- Sigurd's problem,

other than eternally
searching for shortcuts,

is his authenticity.

Kid needs to find his own voice.

- I think the voice
is pretty clear.

He's writing about me.

This is just like the others.

It's not a paper,
it's a vendetta.

- He's searching
through the wilderness,

groping for the truth.

It will get personal.

It will get worse.

- Relevancy of the re-release.

Why bother?
(keys ticking)

80 inch home streams 4K,

on demand streaming,
why leave the house

if "Eraserhead" is
back in theaters?

Oh.

Here we go.

What Annalee, hereinafter
referred to as Minion.

- Never understood as the reason

we'd line up to
buy another ticket

to see Frodo and
Sam, Luke and Leia,

or even Jack and Rose,

is not the new tech.

(car whooshing)

It's not even the story.

It's the ritual of its telling.

We revisit the past because

we want to be the
people we were then.

When we first saw it.

Before we know how
the story ends.

(Annalee grunting)

- No.

No, you're uncomfortable.

Surely you've seen the
uncut version before.

- [Annalee] No such thing
as an uncut version.

All movies are
edited, hence cut.

- Well someday you
might lighten up a bit.

- And yes I had seen
the NC-17 version.

We watched it for your seminar.

Different on the big screen.

- James Spader was masterful.

- A puppet who
fucked a leg wound.

- I have to tell you,

I'm very surprised by this.

- You shouldn't be.

(car honking)

- You wrote a very
elegant paper on "Crash."

- I'm sure I did.

It was probably also the
third paper that week.

- Your position,
as I remember it.

- I never had a
position on "Crash."

- You said that the employment

of the sexual--
- Sexually grotesque.

- It's a powerful metaphor.

- Not a metaphor.

Literalization of the
sickness in "Saw."

- You said that the
heart of the film

was not the so-called
perversions,

but the willing community
of the perverse.

And that these characters

built a relationship
around this common bond.

- The car crashes make
them wet in the pants.

- Sharing this perversion,

it makes them feel less alone.

- Yeah, that's how
NAMBLA works, too.

- I thought that you'd
have a more open mind.

Come on, let's get
some coffee, okay, pie.

- Sorry, I gotta go
shower the Spader off me.

- If you're going
to write a paper,

why wouldn't you
own up to it after?

- What did you want
out of tonight, Marty?

- What are you implying?

- Why'd you drag me here?

As you would say, what did
you hope to accomplish?

- Not everybody who's interested

in developing your
mind wants to fuck you.

- I'm sorry.

- If you must know,
tonight was a celebration.

I was notified by
the tenure committee,

I'm up for review, finally.

- Wait, that's great, right?

- I was gonna tell
you over coffee,

but you ruined that.

- When's the hearing?

- The end of classes.

But it's been a
long time coming.

You know, it's not being
an associate, you know,

not only is it a
wholly inaccurate term,

but demeaning to a man my age.

An adjunct.

It's been seven years
without health insurance.

- I'm familiar.

So wait, if you get this,

that means you can't be fired.

- Not without cause.

But before, they could just
fire me for no reason at all.

- So what does one get a
newly-tenured professor?

Cuff links?

Fancy pen?

- You know what I would love.

I'd love for you to stop taking

these opportunities
that I'm handing you,

and treating them like
I'm grounding you.

I've got to dive head first

into preparing for this review.

I need your full commitment.

- What else do you want?

- [Professor Kane] You'll
take over my office hours,

tomorrow for starters.

- Yeah, sure.

- Good.

And I enjoy a good Scotch.

(knocking on door)

- Oh, sorry.

We thought--

- [Annalee] Oh, I'm doing
his office hours today.

- Oh, that's totally chill.

I'd rather talk to you.

- Well, we--

- Wanted to ask
about our grades.

- I should probably talk
to you separately for that.

- We wanted to ask if there

was any extra credit we
could do or something.

We can ask that?

- Extra credit isn't really
Professor Kane's thing.

- [Hooper] An extra paper?

I mean, he likes papers, right?

- Emily, if I remember right,

you're solidly in the B
range without even trying.

- I'm trying.

Who said I'm not trying?

- [Annalee] I just meant that--

- Em wants a four point.

- I do.

My sister just got engaged,

and I'm down a bullet point
in the family newsletter.

- Well an A is totally in reach,

if you just like--
- [Emily] What about your

discussion groups, we've
been to like all of those.

- Those aren't for
credit, they're for you.

- Right, but I mean.
- It's like extra school.

- Yeah.

- Well it's all extra, isn't it?

If you take a walk off
campus and into the woods,

no truant officer is
gonna come find you.

- I guess.

- You gotta stop using
your credit hours

and your grade point
as a yard stick.

And you've shown a
ton of improvement

in such a short space of time.

- Am I passing?

- Okay give me a sec,
I'll bring it up.

- I don't think Kane likes me.

- Well I like you, Hooper.

So let's see.

You are passing is what you are.

- See, I told you.
- I'm passing?

I'm fucking passing.
- I told you.

- [Annalee] You're
almost at a C.

- I just want to do
better, you know?

I feel bad my parents
had to like mortgage

all their shit for this.

I just, fuck.

I thought I was gonna have to

start studying for my CDL,

saving up for a rig.

- Can I ask you a
personal question?

- [Hooper] Yeah, of course.

- If you'd been failing, like,

flat out totally failing,

would your parents
be sad that you quit,

or would they be happy to
stop writing you checks?

- My dad would fucking disown me

if he saw me on a truck.

- [Annalee] Why,
what does he do?

- He drives a truck, obviously.

- Well.

You know, there's plenty of time

to raise your grades
before finals.

- Oh yeah, alright.
- Definitely, thanks.

- [Annalee] Yeah.
(light instrumental music)

- [Emily] Come on.

- [Hooper] I'm so glad
it was her and not Kane.

- [Professor Kane]
Alright, how many of you

watched all the before
and after parents?

- [Sigurd] Media Studies 516.

Professor Marty Kane.

Make-up assignment number seven.

Topic, Steve Jobs,
modern Caesar.

- [Professor Kane] Which
alternatives crossed over

to the studio system,

maintained an
alternative aesthetic,

and who sold out?

By a show of hands.

- Emmanuel Conte said,

"Immaturity is the inability

"to use your own intelligence

"unless you get
outside approval."

In short, if you can't
think for yourself

then you're a child.

Miss Monaghan used to tell me

frequently how immature I am.

But Miss Monaghan, or
Annalee as she was known

in her former life,

was also prone to
grandstanding against

a permanent display
of corporate branding

on her person, being
used as a billboard.

Her words.

Even used to cut the
labels out of her clothing.

But now,

now she has officially
joined Media Studies.

I can tell because she
sports the uniform.

See, no one would be caught

dead in here without a MacBook.

The brand creative thinkers use.

Why do we accept as gospel

that the computer age's
most notorious autocrat

is the symbol of free thought?

Because here, our doctrine,

is the consumers
control brand identity

by signaling their allegiance.

So Miss Monaghan as
a creative thinker

doesn't really have a
choice now, does she?

So what changed?

What changed?

Not a God damn thing.

No one tricked
her into homogeny.

Tadpoles only turn into frogs.

Maggots only turn into flies.

Once he found out he
was an almighty swan,

oh that fucking dumb thing

forgot all about the
family who took him in.

At the end of the day,

at the end of the day,

we only change into
who we already were.

- [Professor Kane] How
many people here think

that Scorsese has held onto

that gritty mean
streets feeling?

(banging on door)

- Where are they, Shit Heel?

Where are they?

- Where, what in the fuck?

What are you talking about?

Hey, put that down.

- Don't make me ask
you a third time.

- [Sigurd] What are
you talking about?

- My papers.
- [Sigurd] Your papers.

- My intellectual property.

- I paid you fair
and square for those.

That makes them work for hire.

- False pretenses, Shit Heel.

- Why do you want them?

- Maybe I'll publish.

- You have copies on
your hard drive for that.

- This isn't complex.

I don't want anything
of mine with you.

- Then why aren't you
asking me for the tapes?

- 'Cause fuck those tapes.

- That's good, that's good.

I wouldn't give
'em to you anyway.

- What am I supposed to think

when you say shit like that?

- The worst, think the worst.

- Well you don't
leave me much choice.

- [Sigurd] Fine.

Damn it.
(keys ticking)

I never wanted any of this shit.

But that August, I got a
letter from my advisor.

What the fuck?

- [Josette] Mr. Rossdale,
if you insist up

on using profanities
and raising your voice.

- I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

- [Josette] If you'd
like to see the handbook.

- I would not like
to see the handbook.

- Then I'm sure you are aware

that students are not eligible

to submit a thesis--
- [Sigurd] I don't need

to see the manual.

I took the fucking,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I took the class, I
took those three hours

you say I'm--
- Three and a half.

- Yeah you're right, I'm sorry.

That extra half credit
is a real gate keeper.

- [Josette] It's not
an arbitrary figure.

- Oh, it's the definition
of an arbitrary figure.

- Just because one is
not privy to a logic,

doesn't mean there is none.

- I took the class.

It's four credit hours.

Even here in communications.

Four is more than 3.5.

- You didn't take the class
here in communications.

You took the class at the
college of information studies.

- It's the same fucking class.

It's the same professor
in the same building.

It might even be the
same fucking room.

No, no, no.

I deserve an answer to that.

I deserve an answer
that makes sense.

I deserve to know why you
are keeping me trapped here

for an entire extra year

when I learned the things
I was supposed to learn.

Here I am, I'm ready
for the big work.

I'm a boat tied to the dock.

I'm in for 3.5 credits.

I'm being tethered to shore.

Just fucking bobbing in the wake

with the jet skis and you know,

I got the growing
up the side of me,

it's the scales on the bottom.

They're white, they're hard,

they're fucking crusty.
- [Josette] Barnacles.

- Yes, thank you, barnacles.

I could not think of the word.

- Okay.

You're a kayak.

Are we meant to just let you

float along the rapids without
first learning how to paddle?

- I got my bachelor's here.

That's four years.

Six figures in the hole.

If I wasn't learning
how to paddle,

please, what the fuck?
- A Bachelors isn't a Masters.

That's why they have
different names.

And as a matter of fact,

you were enrolled in
the correct course

until you deliberately
decided to switch out.

So I am not sure
what you expect me

or the University to do.
- It conflicted with work.

It conflicted with my job.

I work, for money.

- In your field?

Because perhaps I could--
- No, no, no.

I was a cater waiter.

There's nothing
paid in my field.

Not without a Masters.

- And you felt an
internship was beneath you.

- No.

It was not beneath me,
it was beneath my rent.

- Have you considered entering

the grad school housing lottery?

- If I win the
lottery, is it free?

- Housing fees can be rolled

into your financial aid package.

- So more debt?

- I'm not sure if
you're aware of this,

and if not, it may ease
some of your concerns,

but as long as you are
enrolled in college,

you don't have to start
repaying those loans.

As a matter of fact,

I think a three year course--

- I will jump off a bridge.

And the bank can scrape my
brains up as collateral.

Okay.

What if I were to take an
extra class this semester?

Can I start my thesis then?

- Just out of curiosity,

what is your thesis proposal?

- I have no idea.

- [Josette] It's not going to
be easy given your schedule.

- Is that, are you?

Oh thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, I swear to God,

if I become a mogul one day,

I will name a library after you.

Hey, what is that?

Isn't Alt. Cin a 200-level?

- Have you taken it before?

- No.
- Then it doesn't matter,

as long as you stay
within the department.

- I feel like a
faster kayak already.

- And Professor Kane's
Cronenberg seminar.

- It's gotta be what
it's gotta be, I guess.

(light music)

Yeah, yeah every Saturday.

That was the only
time I was available.

No, no Kevin, that's
not what I'm saying.

No, no listen, listen.

I can still do shifts,

I just can't--

No.

No, no no no no.

God damn it.
- Are you going out tonight?

- They fucking
carded me last time.

- That's gay.

- Good morning.

If you are supposed to
be in Alternative Cinema

with Professor Marty Kane.
- No of course not.

- [Professor Kane] You
are in the right class.

- Why should you be
anything different?

Complete fucking cock.
- Please enter my name

in the auto-complete
settings, thank you.

Now for those of you who think

that you're gonna
come into class,

watch a movie, eat some popcorn,

maybe make out with
the girl next to you,

you have chosen poorly.

In addition to the syllabus,

there will be some
outside viewing.

- "Fat Girl."

- It's about your mom.
- [Professor Kane] As well.

- "400 Blows" is about your mom.

(chuckling)

- There's grading requirements.

These are to be hard copy,

hand delivered, no
emails, no exceptions.

This paper should focus
on homoeroticism from 1980

until the present.

It's due Tuesday.

Have a good weekend.

- No, this isn't mine.

- Whose is it?

- [Sigurd] Joe?

- Oh I'm Joe.

- Sup?

Thanks.

- Dude, B minus though.

What we paid, shit
should have been an A.

- That's not how it works, dude.

She told us.

- Dude, don't be
asking me to remember.

- Hey fags.

Hang back a second.

- What's up?

- You got any weed?

(phone buzzing)

Hey guys.

You gotta go.

Your girl's here.

Come on.

Come on.

Let's go.

Hey, hey.

Yo, get up, get up.

- Dude, relax, chill.

- What are you, Frosted Flakes?

- Unclench the sphincter.

- Guys guys guys,
please get out, please.

- [Dude] Fuck dude, chill.

- Guys, you're gone.

- Yeah man, unclench the ass.

- What the fuck did
you just say to me?

- Oh my God, whoa man, relax.

- You too big guy, let's go.
- Fuck dude, relax.

- Unclench the ass.

- Paper's due Tuesday.

- Yeah.

- Monday, student
cafe, no open mark.

Have fun with your thesis.

- Hi, Josette.

Hi, it's Sigurd Rossdale.

I was in your office just,

you know who I am.

I have schedule
problems, swear a lot.

The kayak, the kayak,
I'm the kayak, yeah.

- [Announcer] This is the
loan in Kurt Rossholder.

Partners in crime.

Prevention tango catch.

- I wanted to talk to you
about my thesis proposal.

You know what?

Nevermind, thank you.

October fourth, a breakthrough.

A revelation.

My path has become clear.

My vision, swept clean.

The subject of my thesis
was to be some bullshit.

Leading candidate,

something about
cable news Chairans

and their impact to
tell on, I don't know.

But by God, it was going
to be some clever bullshit.

Something that
manufactures deep meaning

from superficial symbols.

Something so, oh Jesus,

something so fucking meta

that next years freshmen
will do a study,

of my study.

In other words,

convoluted and self-referential,

just the way the
department likes it.

But then,

I met her.

And scrapped all that

for something that
might get me expelled.

We academics look down our nose.

We call her a doer,
not a thinker.

A lowly contractor in a
room full of architects.

Her worth is less in our eyes,

and statistically
in the workplace,

because she comes in
and doers by sheep skin.

No matter how
versatile her mind,

we cite the superiority
of theoretical

knowledge over applied.

Without Newton, there
would be no NASA.

No, no, fucking gene therapy

without Watson and Cricketts.

How we reassure ourselves

we didn't just pitch our tuition

down a fucking rabbit hole.

So my thesis will
be an experiment.

Proof or disproof of hypothesis.

The only thing studied
by Media Studies

is the color of the
emperor's new clothes.

I will send out my course work

the way some students
send out their laundry.

Every assignment ginned up

by someone who unequivocally
disbelieves every word.

At the end of this,

all it takes for a diploma

is to show up and pay up.

Then she is not the only
paper store around here.

- Thought telling me this
would make things better.

- Why did you tell him?

- Because you
already lied to me.

- No, no about us.

Why did you tell him?

- 'Cause it was
part of the story.

I don't care what I turn into,

just as long as
there's no statue.

- [Sigurd] I'm
gonna get cremated.

- [Annalee] Yeah well leave
me with that stupid urn

that looks like some
bowling trophy thing.

- [Sigurd] And have
someone scatter you.

- Only if they want to.

I don't remember saying that.

When did I say that?

The Canyon, like--

- I don't have them.

- [Annalee] What?

- Your papers.

I don't have the papers.

- Bullshit.

- No, the day Marty
called, I threw 'em out.

I put 'em in a sack,

and drowned them in the
river like feral cats.

- Appalachian trail.

Now your poor kids--

I feel sick.

- [Sigurd] You should.

Those cats deserve better.

- You never even read
them, you lousy fuck.

- [Sigurd] I read them.

- Where be the bitches
in this here film?

(gasping)

- Get out a blank
piece of paper.

We're gonna have
a quiz on Goddard.

- Ogden, minus three.

Archieti minus five.

I mean, minus nine.

Dowd, minus five.

- Three, nine, and minus five.

- Minus five, yeah.

- Next.

- Rossdale, absent.

Hooper, minus five.

- How irritating.
- What?

- When they miss
their quiz days.

They know what it
does for their grade.

Alright, you know what,

I'll double grade 'em Friday,

and I'll just,

I'll ask for a one page
abstract on any topic.

- What are you doing?

Sigurd got a zero.

- Yes?

- So he gets a zero,
that's how it works.

You don't do extra credit.

That's what you said.
- Of course, of course.

You think it was an isolated
incident, his absence?

- I wouldn't know.

If he wants to fuck off all
day, that's his business.

- Not when my tenure
review is nigh.

I got seven failing kids,

that's a quarter of the class.

Very inauspicious group.

- Well if you let
him off the hook,

it's not fair to the
kids that showed up.

- Pardon me if I
add a grain of salt

to your ethics advice.

- What did Sigurd do with the
last two chances you gave him?

- Does that hurt?

- It's fine.

The tenure committee,
they want to see success.

Is that the deal?

So what about the
other seven kids?

And you didn't pull
all those strings

to have me take roll
and pass out quizzes.

Good afternoon, all.

Professor Kane got
stuck in a meeting,

so I'll be teaching class today.

So, today we'll be
looking at "Grindhouse."

A term you probably know
because of Tarantino.

After all, he was a fanboy
before he was a thief.

First, let's discuss
1943's "Lady of Burlesque"

which coined the term

named for the bump and
grind houses of 42nd Street.

Let's back up a step.

What's "Grindhouse?"

Amanda.

- I don't know.

We haven't covered that yet.

- Bishop, what's "Grindhouse?"

- Mandy's right, we haven't--

- Emily, what's "Grindhouse?"

- Hey that's not fair.

She's in your study group.

- Look, you can't give us a quiz

on something we
haven't learned yet.

- [All] Yeah.
(chattering)

- Guys.

This isn't a quiz.

This is just to
get you thinking.

So, don't wait for me.

Just call it out.
(light music)

How do you know it's
a grind house flick?

- Violence.

- Violence.

- Violence and casual sex.

- Casual sex.

What else?

- It's always all
grainy looking.

- Low budget production.

- Well that's something
that can be faked, right?

- Yes.

You can.

Why?

Why would someone try
and replicate that?

- 'Cause you don't want to
see a bunch of shiny shit.

You want to see real shit.

- Oh my God, you
people are so surfacey.

It's about like fucking
female vengeance.

Women kicking fucking ass.
(some laughing)

- In the back.

- Someone drives
the grind house.

- [Annalee] What else?

- [Student] Rape and pillaging.

- Rape and pillaging.

Porn, porn.

So why is porn different?

- Consent?

(some laughing)

- Absolutely make sure you write

this one down for Kane's final.

But this is only
the origin story.

How things began is
such a small part

of what they become.

See you in class.

- Probably not.
(gentle music)

- It's not even that generous.

It's like, look how
many people miss me.

And my stone palace.
- So stupid.

- In the end.

It is why we want credit.

For having been.

- Yeah, it's not
our best feature.

Why don't we leave
departed on a mountainside

for buzzards like
the good old days?

- Some cultures still do that.

You need a mountainside, kinda.

- Don't say never,

your people are far too
squeamish about bones.

- I like the notion of
nature taking it back.

Grass.

Coming up from the sidewalks.

Railroad ties dissolving
into the ground.

- Are you gonna
be a railroad tie?

- Yeah.

Beats being a mummy.

In a fucking forever
box like these guys.

- I don't care what I turn into.

Just as long as
there's no statue.

- Why don't you get cremated?

- No, then you have
that stupid urn

that looks like some
bowling trophy thing.

- Have someone
scatter you, then.

- Only if they want to.

If someone wants
to take a road trip

and dump me in the canyon like
Donny Karabotsels, go nuts.

But no fucking way am
I leaving instructions.

That's like worse
than a monument.

That's like saying from now on,

this canyon is fucking mine.

I mean, it's just bossy.

This fucking command
from beyond the grave.

Dump my ashes on the
Appalachian trail.

Now your poor kid's
gotta do all this hiking

to dump your ashes
in some deer turds

so you can be part of
the everlasting cycle.

Your kid can't go
walking in the woods now

without thinking
about fucking death.

(sighing)

- I'd scatter you somewhere.

- It's on you.

- I'd scatter you everywhere.
(light music)

- [Annalee] Really.

- [Sigurd] Yeah.

- Hooper, talk to me
about "The Fly," go.

- Jeff Goldblum,
Geena Davis, 1986.

- This isn't trivia
night, themes.

- Themes, themes.

I'm bad at these.

- [Annalee] Emily help him out.

- Oh, the primary theme
is transformation.

Mainly because he turns into--
- A fly, it's a fly.

- Good, Emily,
because transformation

is the scientists' goal, too.

- No, what?

- No, it's because he
wanted to teleport.

- Yeah, but--

- My notes say teleport.

- Yes, but what
is teleportation?

- You know, like, up,
there, over there.

Teleport.
(laughing)

- Can one of you
please just answer

without looking at your notes

to see what Kane
told you to say?

- I didn't look at my notes.

- That's 'cause you
didn't take any notes.

(laughing)

- She's getting on you.

- Yeah.

I mean, me too, it was okay.

- What if we just focus

on what's gonna
be on the midterm

instead of the papers?

I mean, isn't that
a bigger portion

of our grade, anyway?

- Yeah, I mean, if
I do good on that,

I'm gonna get a C, right?

Fucking tight.

- Why is that alright?

Why is that tight, Hoop?

Don't you want an A?

- If I got an A, someone
would think I cheated.

- What if I told
you that right now

you're probably sitting on an A?

- [Hooper] No I'm not.

You said last week that I got--

- Beginning of term, you have
5,000 points available to you.

You can afford to
lose 500 of those

and still get an A.

I mean, Emily is right,
the grades are weighted,

so the final and midterm count

for more than all
the quizzes combined.

But right now all
of you have As.

- Wait, I mean, it's
the same, right?

Like, math-wise.

- Well it is, but we're
just looking at it

from a different direction.

Hooper, a few weeks ago,

the unreliable nerd,
or what did you say?

- "Fight Club."

- Right, what did Marty say?

- Derivative.

- You weren't wrong.

You should know that.

I mean, "Fight Club"
won't be on the midterm.

You should know that too.

But you weren't wrong.

- [Male Student] Yeah,
it's like he was just

thinking about it from
another direction.

(laughing)

- [Female Student] So is "The
Fly" gonna be on the midterm?

- Sure.

- Alright then.
(keys ticking)

- What about...
- It's 'cause of

all the little bits.

Like, when he teleports,

all the little--
- Molecules.

- They gotta go back the
same way they were before.

But I mean, things
don't work like that.

Every time you move, you
change what's around you.

When what's around
you is different,

that makes you different.

Every molecule in him
would know what it's like

to be apart from the other ones.

Even if a fly
never got in there,

he was always looking to change.

It just didn't happen
the way he expects.

- Swear to me you
didn't write this.

- It's all him.

- I mean, he couldn't have
written this three weeks ago.

- He's been working his ass off.

- That you could squeeze
this from a stone.

- Aren't you gonna grade it?

- No, no, not now, later.

The committee, I swear to you,

they want every academic
journal I've ever appeared in.

- Is that a lot?

- No.

So I've got to get a
really nice binder.

Don't worry.

I am humbled and amazed.

Keep up the good work.

(gentle instrumental music)

- Sigurd Rossdale,
Professor Marty Kane.

Media Studies 516, April 12th.
(ominous music)

Final make-up assignment.

Topic, Alpha 60
versus Eric Harris.

Everyone has thought

about killing himself.
- [Sigurd] Everyone has

thought about killing himself.

Everyone.

For the privilege of the
dead is to die no more.

The hard part's
getting the note right.

Something quiet and
stoic, dignified.

Football season is over.

Brooks was here.

Maybe it's better then
to go out big and loud,

like Private Pyle.

Your meeting crystal
fucking clear.

Make sure you storm out

just so no one thinks
you limped away.

And my thesis was definitely

intended as a kind
of suicide bomb.

I might not have
known it at the time,

or maybe I did.

I mean, Jesus, and least
snake oil moisturizes,

but what are you people selling?

What system just lets
a mind like Annalee

walk out the door,

but goes out of its way to find

an indefinite home for me?

This place is
nothing but a coven

of criminal naval gauges and I,

I plant to lay waste to it.

In hindsight, I can
pinpoint exactly when

I knew I was in trouble.

We were watching "Ordinary
People" of all things.

She couldn't sit still.

White people problems.

But every time Mary
Tyler Moore hit screen

as that pastel
cyborg of a mother,

Annalee's back went rigid.

Like she'd witnessed a hanging.

We're at the climax.

Donald Sutherland weeps at her.

We'd have been alright

if there hadn't been any mess.

But you can't handle mess.

- There's your mess, bitch.

There it is.

- [Sigurd] I tried to
deny it for a few weeks,

but the flaw in my
theory was obvious.

However little she thought
of the source material

or the professor,

something in the work itself

just lit her up like a kid

who just learned
how to cartwheel.

And how could I blow that up?

On the other hand,

if I told her just how
many different ways

I'd been lying to her,

that she'd never
speak to me again.

No matter how much
money I owed her.

So I did what academics do best.

Nothing.

I sat quietly by.

Impartially observing
my experiment

while she felt
abandoned and enraged.

I impartially observed as she

grew to hate me.

I decided to come clean.

Picked a day and everything.

But of course as we all know,

what happens when Lisa
finally does the right thing?

She fucks up spelling her word,

and loses everything.

Maybe this is too
mainstream an idea

for Alternative Cinema,

but a broken heart.

- Just as long as
there's no statue.

- [Sigurd] Is only cliche
when it's not your heart.

- I don't remember saying that.

When did I say that?

- [Sigurd] She has erased
everything about me.

Except the part where
I ruined her life.

So, as much as I have
wanted to swoop in, somehow,

and save Annalee from your
professorial treadmill,

I guess we just all have
our chrysalis phase.

Caterpillars become moths.

Students become teachers.

Even a tree that
falls in the forest

sometimes become a railroad tie,

waiting to rot back
into the Earth.

This paper officially fulfills
my obligation, Professor.

That means no honor
board hearing.

She's safe,

and you can go shit in your hat.

I quit.
(doorbell ringing)

- Please, come in.

Just clear off any seat,
make yourself at home.

Red Bull?

Or would you like
something with pep?

- I'm fine.

- So.

To what do I owe this
unexpected visit?

- This says Sigurd Rossdale.

- So?

- You said you were
letting him go.

- Now when did I say that?

- I rescue the
seven failing kids,

you give him the
grade he deserves.

That's the deal.

- How do you know he
doesn't deserve this grade?

- An A minus?

Maybe I didn't know
it was to which

hat he was referring.

- Oh no.

Oh Christ.

- Did you bother
to read it at all?

- I haven't read
his stuff in weeks.

It's drivel.

It's the half romantic
rantings of the deranged.

If he's not gonna
take this seriously,

why should I give him the time?

- Because you're his teacher,

and that's what he pays you for.

- There are people one
pays to care about you.

They're not called teachers.

- Then what the hell
have I been doing,

busting my ass?
- Anna, I'm not gonna

flunk Sigurd, I can't.

My tenure review is next week.

- But I told you, these kids
I've been working with--

- Oh please, I don't
care about these kids.

Fuck 'em, they mean nothing.

It's too much deviation
from the norm.

What is the committee gonna say?

My barely functioning sophomores

are now in the 98 percentile.

Okay, there's a big red flag.

My best grad student,

he's flunking a 200-level.

Another red flag.

They're outliers.

The committee's gonna
want to know why.

Who's this new TA?
- Don't.

- What are we doing different?

What kind of strings
did I have to pull

to get you here, huh?

Would you like to explain
the previous six years?

- Fuck, Marty.

Why did we even bother?
- Because it's what

you wanted to hear.

There was never a solution

that didn't land these grades

in the middle of the fairway.

Now what you've done
is outstanding work.

- What do they get in return?

- Their marks will
show improvements.

- [Annalee] Improvement?

- Yes, to a degree.

I'm not gonna give Hooper an A.

It won't seem like his work.

- His paper on "The Fly,"

what grade did you give him?

- [Professor Kane] I don't know.

- You said you were
humbled and amazed.

What grade?

- I gave him a C plus.

Oh will you calm down?

A C plus--
- Fuck you, calm down.

- Oh don't be so overdramatic.

- When Hooper hears that
grade, it'll ruin his life.

- Oh please.
- Ruin his life,

because Hooper succeeding
and Sigurd failing

might just fuck up your tenure.

- Yes.

Yes, it will fuck up my tenure.

Tenure is not a merit badge.

It's up or out.

Consolation prize, non-renewal.

But that's alright.

Because I'll just
brush up my resume,

which now bears the
skunk spray of rejection.

But I'm fine.

Because I'm sure
I'll find a school

who's just itching to
find a tenure track

for a recently passed
over middle aged man.

- Tenure track isn't
the only track there is.

- No, I can become
an adjunct again.

The day laborer of
University life.

Shit pay, no overtime,
no insurance.

Not even unemployment.

- Well I hear Jamba
Juice is hiring.

- Get 'em back.
(steady music)

- He quit.

For real this time.

- I won't ask, you won't tell.

But I'm sure you
have your methods.

And in three years when
you're getting your doctorate,

(knocking on door)

you'll think back
on this moment,

and exactly how you
chose to thank me.

- Sigurd.

Sigurd.

(gasping)

Jesus.

What the fuck, you scared me.
- What the fuck, you?

I'm not the one going
in for the jugular.

- [Annalee] What the
hell happened to you?

- What?

Shit.

- Thought that whole
killing yourself

thing was like a metaphor.

When's the last time you slept?

- About 30 seconds ago.

- That was some paper.

- Did Kane shit in his hat yet?

'Cause that would be awesome.

- Sigurd.

- [Sigurd] Sorry, I
know he's your Yoda.

- He's not, he's not
my Yoda, okay jackass?

Fuck Marty, he is nobody's Yoda.

Don't quit.

- It's done.

In the morning--
- [Annalee] Nothing's done.

I'm living proof.

- [Sigurd] No, you're
the exception, always.

- [Annalee] Just
shut the fuck up.

We need your recordings.

All of them.

We're gonna take
'em to the Dean.

What's your password?

- What happened?

- He's a liar is all.

Password.

- No, I didn't do a
million make-up assignments

so you could turn it in
and get yourself expelled.

- Those make-ups
had nothing to do

with academic integrity.

They were about keeping
you on the hamster wheel

so he could get his tenure,

and I'm making damn sure
he goes down with us.

What is your password?

- Cyrano.

Capital C and a zero.

It doesn't matter, anyway.

We both agreed to the terms.

- This from a guy who made
his thesis into a bomb.

- Yeah I thought
you might like that.

Did you like it?

- Can't decide.

On one hand, it seems
incredibly stupid.

You had every reason to think

they'd just toss that
proposal out on its ass.

- Yeah.
- But in its own way,

it's kind of ingenious.

I mean, they almost
have to say yes

if only to bury the thing,

and they toss you,
you spy publish,

probably a bigger platform.

And as a certain
wanker once said,

you mention cheating
on a college campus.

- Fuck, I didn't even
think about that.

I should have consulted you
about this so much earlier.

- [Annalee] Damn it, Sigurd.

Where the hell are
those recordings?

- I don't have them.

- What?

- Yeah, I didn't
need them anymore.

- God damn it, Sigurd.

Did you even take a breath

before trashing an entire
semester's worth of work?

- Here's what I know.

My lie, no matter what
the reason, hurt you.

And that is a scar I will
always have to live with.

His lie.

However noxious, you're
a fish who found water.

Be grateful.

If you threw this all out now,

you'd just be stupid.

And one thing you most
definitely are not is stupid.

- Well, if throwing it
all away is so stupid.

- Oh I fucking hate school.

It took me six and a half years

and a six figure loan to
figure out I don't like school.

- Well I'm glad you
found a zen about it.

Or at least a zen-aesthetic.

But I'm turning it the fuck in.

- Yeah, well I heard somewhere

that without evidence
it's just an accusation.

(light music)

- Sigurd.

Why didn't you tell me that--

- I really hope
you just burn 'em.

(keys ticking)

(people chattering)

- Annalee.

Hey.

- [Hooper] Hey, we
got you something.

- Come on, Mitch, don't
get it all sweaty.

It's a gift certificate.

- To the Apple store.

- Guys, this, you
didn't need to do that.

- Well, anyways,
congrats and thanks.

- Yeah, thanks again.

- Step one, get to the top.

Step two, open container.

- No one needs beer this bad.

- The point is the journey.

- [Annalee] You are
fucking with me.

- [Sigurd] A fellowship, huh?

- [Annalee] They're
sending me to England.

- [Sigurd] Oh, fancy pants.

- [Annalee] I've been warned
everyone says wanker there.

- You found your people then.

- And you are.

- Me and Lucy are doing alright.

You underestimated
her, you know.

New brakes, new
shocks, new blankets.

- The van.

Lucy is the van?

- Oh yeah.

The heat even works now.

AC doesn't.

- Sigurd, you're
living in the van?

- Yeah, I mean it's
the fastest way

to pay off the student loans.

It's okay, it's okay, really.

It gets me to work.

I blow shit up all day.

Gets me back to the state park.

Nature's taking me back.

- You kinda smell though.

- This is what
nature smells like.

- Was she always called Lucy?

- Steering panel came loose,

and I feel like she
needed a fresh start.

- Oh.

- So.

The weirdest thing.

There I am at the
mail deposit box,

and out falls this
fucking letter.

- Ass.

I've been sitting here waiting.

- Congratulations, Mr.
Rossdale, thank you,

on the acceptance by the
graduate studies committee.

- You just let me sit
here the whole time.

- On your masters thesis.
- Climbed eight

million stairs.
- Requiem for a Ribwich.

- Swan song of classic homage.

- It's a pretty boss title.

They should have
known it wasn't me.

Come on.

- Cover to cover,
ginned up by someone

who disbelieves every word.

- Kane was wrong.

They will never invent
software better than you.

- He has tenure now, you know.

His fucking tenure.

- Still I'm glad that
you didn't turn him in.

This looks good on you.

- I really wanted to.

You know, I just really,

really really wanted to.

- That extra year of school

really broadened your
vocabulary, didn't it?

- I burned the papers
in the reservoir,

scattered the ash.

- It's what I would've done.

- No you wouldn't.

- I would, too.
- No you would not.

- I would, too have.
- You didn't even,

you had them in your
luggage instead of clothes.

I mean,
(Sigurd laughing)

what exactly were you
gonna do with them?

- I don't know.

I don't know.

It's probably the same reason

I had that tape recorder
in my pocket that night.

Even when I was
trying to come clean.

- Because it was
part of the story.

- Something like that.

I'm gonna get this framed.

Fucking masters degree.

Break glass in
case of emergency.

Guys in the crew will love it.

- Where are you gonna frame
it and hang it, in Lucy?

- Yeah, don't make fun.

She can hear you.
- Oh.

- She has ears.

It's really nice in there now.

It's got the vanilla
trees and everything.

Hey.

You wanna?

- Oh.

No.

- It's worth a shot.

(steady instrumental music)

(keys ticking)