Original subtitles

BEN: "The Shrieking Madness of Char-Gar Gothakon...

...The Beast That Hath No Name? You're actually reading this?

The professor is a great writer. His stuff is spooky.

Hatecraft is a total fake.

He says he's just writing what demons from dark dimensions tell him. Please.

- How do you know they're not true? - Um, because I have a brain?

Wait until Harlan Ellison speaks next week. He's a real writer.

He'll set you straight about Hatecraft. Later.

Char-Gar Gothakon, The Beast That Hath No Name.

How can Professor Hatecraft name the creature, then say it has no name?

Ridiculous.

[HISSING]

[SNIFFING]

Ugh. What is that smell?

[HISSING]

[SNIFFING]

Huh?

[SHRIEKS]

[BEN SCREAMING]

Please, stop!

[SCREAMING]

[MONSTER GROWLING]

Please! Please!

[SCREAMING]

SCOOBY: Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

Now, Daph, chin up.

Spending some time away...

...from your little mystery club will do you some good.

Stop by the building we paid for, and if you see any professors...

...remind them your sisters all graduated from Darrow University...

...by the time they were 13.

I'm only visiting this school because you want me to, Mom.

- What if Darrow isn't for me? - College good enough for Blake girls...

...isn't good enough for you?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Daphne, sometimes I wish we would have had a boy.

Fred, go straight to my old fraternity and drop my name.

They have to let you in, no matter how much you talk about traps.

Man, it feels weird being here without the gang.

Things have been rough since Shaggy and Velma broke up.

By Grabthar's hammer, Fred, the Rogers kid chose a dog over a girl.

What's he thinking? This isn't some reality show.

Now, I've dreamed of the day you'd be humiliated by my fraternity.

Don't blow this for me.

I can't believe I'm here same day as my favorite author.

Do you think Harlan Ellison will sign all my copies of his books?

I knew Harlan back in the day.

Just tell him Cape Cod Dinkley sent you.

He'll sign. Ha, ha.

But, like, the best thing about Darrow University is the burger place on campus.

They're known everywhere for burgers.

And french fries, onion rings and shakes.

Try not to embarrass us, please?

Better yet, just don't tell them your last name.

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Mm.

Mu Gamma Tau. Mu are you?

Uh, hi. I'm Fred Jones, Jr.

My dad was a Mu Gamma Toe-- Uh, Tau-- Uh, Toe.

Fred. I'm Rhino.

Guys, this is Fred Jones, Jr. His dad was Mu legend Fred Jones.

[IN UNISON] What?

I thought Fred Jones was a myth.

I heard he ate a live bear.

So, uh, what do you guys do here?

- Study? Party? Make traps? - Amateur hour.

When you're in college, male, and ripped...

...there's only one thing to do.

- Wrestle. - Ha, ha.

Go get him, Randy.

[CRASHES]

DAPHNE: The "Blake Family Center For Self-Named Buildings."

Hmm.

No longer will they ignore young people!

Are you with me?

[IN UNISON] Fight! Fight! Fight!

- Are you with me? - Uh, yes?

[IN UNISON] Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Wait, what are we fighting?

[SCOOBY & SHAGGY BREATHING HEAVILY]

SHAGGY: Like, there it is, Scoob.

I can already taste the legends.

- Burgers, fries, onion rings. - Mm.

Wow, we're really here.

Ahem. Uh, bring us, like, your most famous food, please.

It's the way I always dreamed it.

[SNIFFS]

It's the way I always smelled it.

Ah.

[SHAGGY & SCOOBY GRUNTING]

These aren't burgers.

We changed management last week. Now we're organic vegan.

Those are puréed sprouts and wheat gluten.

[SCOOBY GULPS]

[IN UNISON] Yuck.

HARLAN: And that's why there hasn't been anything good written...

...since the 1970s.

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

Thank you. Okay, questions?

My name is Howard E. Roberts, and my favorite writer is one of our professors.

I was wondering if you could compare your work to his masterpiece...

- ...The Shrieking Madness of Char-Gar-- - You mean H.P. Hatecraft?

An interesting scribbler, yes, no doubt.

But minor. And that's being kind.

That's not true.

He's a brilliant writer who understands the dark creatures of other dimensions.

I perceive in you, young sir, one who hears nothing...

...but the sound of the wind blowing across the empty desert...

...that lies between your ears.

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

Hatecraft is at best, a literary fraud...

...a con man, at worst a dirt smear in the diaper of literature.

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

[GRUMBLES]

- Mr. Ellison? - Yes, I can only sign so fast, you know.

Velma Dinkley. I'm a huge fan of your work and the themes you explore and--

Dinkley? Not by any happy chance a relation to Cape Cod Dinkley...

- ...an old friend of mine? - My mother.

Oh, holy Bradbury, you must give her a kiss for me.

- And thank her for the chicken soup. - Jinkies, I will. It was great meeting you.

- Thanks so much. - My pleasure.

Oh, by the way, jinkies is not actually a word.

Hatecraft this, Hatecraft that.

Perhaps someone could ask me about my own latest work once in a while?

[HISSES]

[SNIFFS]

[SHRIEKS]

[GRUNTS]

- Pin him, Todd, pin him. HARLAN: Help!

Sounds like someone's in trouble.

HARLAN: Help! - Huh?

HARLAN: Help already! Please help me already! Help!

[HARLAN GRUNTING]

Zoinks, I changed my mind. Maybe that food's not so bad.

[GASPS]

[SHRIEKS]

[SHAGGY SCREAMS]

VELMA: Mr. Ellison, are you okay? - Okay?

I've been violated by a figment of a fantasist's fabricated falsehood...

...for the sole function of fame and fortune.

Like, that is a lot of:

[BABBLES]

Really?

Is it like that?

What if, like, "like" were used in, like, it's proper grammatical form...

...and not, like, as a conversational pause like, every third, like, word.

Like, what got him so upset?

Maybe he wouldn't be so mad if he saw this.

A copy of Hatecraft's book.

Char-Gar Gothakon, The Beast That Hath No Name.

Someone's read this a lot. There's all kinds of sentences underlined.

[SNIFFS]

Ugh. And it smells like old clam chowder being gargled by a seal.

Like, why would a monster carry a book about himself around with him?

I wanna meet this Professor Hatecraft for myself.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

FRED: Professor Hatecraft?

Professor Hatecraft? Hello?

Professor Hatecraft?

Your door was open.

[CREAKING]

With all his books, you'd think this guy could, like, afford a maid.

[SHAGGY & SCOOBY SCREAMING]

SCOOBY: Hey.

[SHAGGY GRUNTS]

It's just a statue, beef brains...

...of a character from another one of Hatecraft's books.

WOMAN [ON TV]: Breaking news, this just in.

Campus police say they have no leads...

...on today's theft of the Darrow Family Archives from the library.

FRED: Professor Hatecraft? - Huh!

Oh. By the tendrils of Shup Shap Summa-gorath, you frightened me.

VELMA: We're sorry, professor.

We're big fans who wanted to meet you.

Well, now's not a good time.

It's like the wrath of Fung Farg Hargengflarg has descended upon me.

I hope I haven't unleashed Char-Gar Gothakon on the world.

- What do you mean? - My work.

Translating the demon-summoning chants written in these evil tomes...

...which my student assistant alphabetizes.

You think, like, everything you're writing is actually happening?

Dark forces are at work in this very home.

I fear I may have inadvertently opened a portal to an alternate dimension.

- That's bad, right? - Stop.

You might accidentally unleash another demon.

Oh, that's just fan mail. Never mind.

A lot of these seem to be in the same handwriting.

My fans are very dedicated.

Now, if you will excuse me...

...I sense messages from another universe coming on.

FRED: Well, what do you say, gang?

Do we stay together and keep working to solve this mystery?

Is that a no?

[THUNDER CRASHING]

What are you doing here? This place is vegan.

There's nowhere else to eat for, like, miles.

Yeah. We're so hungry, we'd even eat vegetables.

FRED: Whoa!

[FRED GRUNTS]

Sorry. My friends were wrestling.

[FRAT BOYS GRUNTING]

[CRASHES]

My new brothers are gonna teach me a move called Happy Tapioca.

I don't know what it is, but apparently, uh...

...I'll be blindfolded and submerged in pudding.

See you around.

[LAUGHS]

- Hey, I can't wait to get Johnny. - Yeah, it's gonna be great. Johnny.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SNIFFS]

[GROANS]

You said it, Scoob. Like, pass the salt.

[CHAR-GAR SHRIEKING]

[CHEF SCREAMS]

[IN UNISON] Char-Gar Gothakon!

Like, run!

CHEF: Aah!

[SHRIEKS]

[VELMA SCREAMS]

Just because you save me doesn't mean I forgive you.

[IN UNISON] Tapioca! Tapioca!

So, what construct of the man are we gonna go after next, Ernesto?

Don't worry, Comrade Daphne, our true calling will present itself soon.

In the meantime, pick something from the list of protestables. It's fun.

"Rice crackers? Shawarma? Old-person smell?"

- Can you even protest that? - I don't know, but someone should.

[LAUGHS]

Professor Hatecraft, you have to run.

Char-Gar Gothakon is at the Campus Burger.

Wait, were you spying on us?

I wanted to see if you were telling the truth.

And by the talons of Farng Schwee Narbiscus, you were.

I have no choice now but to reveal the terrible, dark truth...

...about Char-Gar Gothakon.

[ALL GASPING]

You've heard the rumors on campus last night...

...of a monster from one of my novels.

But I want to set the record straight.

My writings, as Mr. Ellison said the other day, are a fraud.

There is no Char-Gar Gothakon.

I made the whole thing up.

It can't be true.

Who is forcing you to lie like this, Professor Hatecraft?

This is not a lie. I am telling the truth.

I perpetuated the myth to sell books...

...and to gain access to the lucrative world of plushy monster toys.

I am so sorry.

Ignore him. We are the ones telling the truth.

Monsters deserve equality.

Char-Gar Gothakon should not be silenced.

And here's a song to tell you why.

[SINGING] Char-Gar Gothakon The beast that hath no name

He's an old one Maybe lived beneath the sea

He rocks a thousand eyeballs

Like, now what do we do? No one's listening to a word we say.

There's only one thing we can do. Build a trap.

But I can't do it alone.

ERNESTO: Maybe lived beneath the sea

[CHAR-GAR ROARS]

MAN 1: Huh? MAN 2: What's going on?

Uh, I think we've made our point. Protest is over.

[CROWD SCREAMING]

So, what do you say, gang? Are we gonna solve this mystery or not?

Help!

Help me!

HATECRAFT: Somebody, save me!

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Professor Hatecraft?

HATECRAFT: Please! Help! SCOOBY: Huh?

We'll never find him if we don't split up.

Okay, I guess that means we go-- Huh?

Oh, come on.

Wow, I can't wait to be an adult.

You get to have so much cool stuff that has that awesome old-person smell.

- Here, you might need this for the trap. - Great find, Daph.

Hey, we make a pretty good team, don't we?

Uh-huh.

- It's like we know each other's thoughts. - Yeah.

- Hey, guess what I'm thinking now. - Well, are you thinking about me?

Ah, gotcha. I'm not thinking about anything.

My mind is a complete void.

Good try, though.

Thanks.

I thought Shaggy was right behind us.

Huh? You're worried?

Oh, who am I kidding? It's like he's a part of me.

Even though he left me for you.

I'm sorry.

SHAGGY: Scooby, Velma, help! - Huh?

[GASPS]

BOTH: Shaggy!

[WHIMPERING]

Something jumped off the shelf at me.

And it had, like, a tentacle.

It's not a tentacle. It's a strap for someone's book bag.

VELMA: They look like stories.

Listen to this title: The Dreaded Beast Goo Goo Ga Ga.

[SNIFFS]

Ugh, yuck. They've got that same smell.

It's like a baboon smoking a cigar...

...while bathing in a bath of moldy tuna and curdled ranch dressing.

BEN: Hey, let me out! ALL: Huh?

[GRUNTING]

[BEN YELLING]

Thank goodness. Trapped inside with all of Hatecraft's lousy books.

It's like being in his version of the underworld.

Who put you in here?

The guy with all the tentacles, what's his name?

HATECRAFT: Char-Gar Gothakon!

Stay away, you demon!

The professor.

[CHAR-GAR GROWLING]

[HATECRAFT SCREAMING]

HATECRAFT: Help me!

[HATECRAFT SCREAMING]

We've got to distract it.

Hatecraft's monsters are always summoned by chanting. Follow me.

FRED & DAPHNE & VELMA: Char-Gar Gothakon

[CHANTING]

Char-Gar Gothakon

Don't chant at it, hit it.

FRED & DAPHNE & VELMA: Char-Gar Gothakon

[DAPHNE SCREAMS]

[HATECRAFT SCREAMS]

CHAR-GAR: Help!

[GRUNTING]

Like, you don't hear many monsters from other dimensions scream for help.

[SHRIEKS]

This is no monster, it's Howard E. Roberts...

...Hatecraft's student assistant and biggest fan.

Just as I suspected.

- Suspected how? - Think about it.

We found a book written by Hatecraft...

...with sentences underlined that smelled like Char-Gar Gothakon.

Of course it was me.

Someone had to defend the professor against his critics.

And what better way than to dress as his greatest creation?

Fortunately, I'd taken a class...

...in the Military Application of Sonic Shriek Technology.

Although in retrospect...

...it might not have been a good idea to glue real octopus legs to my face.

[IN UNISON] Ah, so that was the smell.

But when Hatecraft admitted he made it up?

That's when he had to fall.

And he would have too if it weren't for the dark, Elder forces...

...conspiring in the inky black of time most foul.

Oh, and you meddling kids.

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

H.P., are you all right?

Harlan. Yes, just an overeager fan who got carried away.

Fans. Imbeciles fit only to be gnawed by rabid rats.

Yes, someone could write a book.

How about A Boy and His Fans by Harlan Ellison and H.P. Hatecraft?

I was thinking something more along the lines of Shaghoul Rath Hagafar...

...The Fan That Hath No Name.

Except, uh, you just named it.

HATECRAFT: Don't start with me, Ellison.

You know, I'm glad we don't have to go to college just yet.

Yeah. It'll be good to get home, and back to solving mysteries.

As a team?

Absolutely. The way it should be.

[ALL GASPING]

DAPHNE: "Darrow University Library, Darrow Family Archives?"

Wait, aren't those the archives the news said were stolen?

"Mr. E."

Huh. Open it.

Oh. Carefully.

"If the first Mystery, Inc. had what's inside this trunk...

...maybe they never would have vanished in the first place."

Wow.

This looks like the entire history of Crystal Cove.

Gang, I think one mystery just turned into two.

SCOOBY: Hmm.

[English - US -SDH]