Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Murphy's Vita-Mix.

How about some nice, healthy Murphy's Vita-Mix?

Ick.

It's good stuff. Put hair on your tail.

Yeah? How about some of that molasses mix?

Mol-- Oh, no.

No molasses mix for you.

This sweet stuff is bad for your teeth.

[laughs]

Ever hear of a horse with false choppers?

Hey, Murph!

[dings]

Nice tone, isn't it?

I used to play the musical triangle at school.

[dings]

♪ Cheers, cheers for Mulholland High ♪

♪ We have the team that never-- ♪

[dings]

♪ We'll win the day or we'll know why ♪

♪ For we are Mulholland High ♪

[dings]

Hello, Mr. Post.

Oh. [chuckles]

I was just--

Our school football song.

I hear. I hope you win.

I've got a few things to pick out here.

Good. Fine.

[Man] Mr. Murphy.

Excuse me, but have you got any little odd jobs for me today?

Oh, no, I'm sorry, John.

- Oh. - Wait a minute.

Have you had your breakfast?

Well, I wasn't very hungry.

Come here.

What can I do for you, Mr. Post?

Oh, Ed's out of food again.

He can sure put it away, huh?

Yeah. We've got a TV set and a bar,

and he likes to nibble during the commercials.

What'll it be today?

A sack of cracked corn,

and a sack of cracked wheat,

and a crack of sacked--

a crack of--

a bag of that barley, and--

And a sack of molasses mix.

I'll be right back. Got to get my order book.

You sure got a smart horse, Mr. Post.

Here you are, boy.

Don't let him con you. He's a big moocher.

He's beautiful.

Good sound withers,

deep flanks,

and nice, turned hocks.

And a big fat bay window.

I laid his saddle out twice this year.

Mr. Post, could you use someone around the barn

to take care of him?

I've had a lot of experience.

Oh, I'm sorry. Ed's very spoiled.

I have to feed him myself

and bathe him and comb him

and rub him down.

I'm not really his owner. I'm his butler.

Well, if you hear anything, especially around horses--

My name is John McGibney,

amd I hang around here a lot.

- Fine, fine. - Good-bye, Mr. Post.

Bye.

Nice guy.

Sure is. He gave you his breakfast.

And I took it.

Gosh, I'm a pig.

I wrote up your order.

If you'll sign it right there

- at the bottom, please. - Thank you.

That Mr. McGibney seems to know an awful lot about horses.

He should. He's worked around racetracks all his life.

Yeah? How is it he can't seem to get a job?

Oh, couple of months ago,

he got ruled off the track for doping a horse.

Oh, that's a shame. He seems like such a nice man.

He is, he is. He still says he's innocent.

I'd like to believe him, but the track steward's proved

that he was the only one around

when this horse, Lady Sue, got that goofball.

And she lost the race?

Are you kidding?

That jockey could have been arrested for loitering.

I'll have your order delivered first thing in the morning.

Thank you. Let's go, Ed.

Wilbur, give that man a job.

No, Ed. I don't have any work for him.

Even if I did,

I wouldn't want a man around who doped a horse.

He's innocent.

How do you know?

Animal instinct.

How do you know, Ed?

How do I know I'm an animal?

Yeah-- Oh, no.

Come on. Let's go home.

Well, you won't do it.

I'm gonna find him a job.

What did you say?

Uh, nothing.

Can't a horse talk to himself?

Yeah.

Hello, Wilbur.

Hi, beast.

Hi, Rog.

How does it feel to be a bachelor again, huh?

Well, I'll tell you.

When you've been married for 20 years,

and your wife goes to visit her mother for a week,

you don't feel like a bachelor right away.

You don't?

No, it's like leaving the dentist

after having a tooth pulled.

When the novacaine wears off,

you're back with the same old pain.

That's a very interesting analogy.

I must remember to tell that to Kay when she gets back.

You wouldn't.

Oh, don't worry.

Kay's got a great sense of humor.

She'll laugh all the way to Reno.

Admit it. You're lost without her.

Yeah, that's true.

Hey, Wilbur, before Kay left,

I promised I'd have our living room painted.

How about giving a neighbor a hand?

I'd like to, but this is Thursday.

That's the day I wash down Ed's stall.

Tell him it's Wednesday. He won't know the difference.

It won't work.

He's got a calendar in his stall.

Well, at least give me a hand

pushing the furniture around.

Okay, let's go.

Great. That stuff's heavy.

Yeah. You take the piano. I'll take the stool.

I know just the guy to help him paint that room.

Wilbur?

I've just been going over Ed's feed bills.

How come Mr. Murphy is charging us $2.00 more for the barley?

Oh, that's a special barley.

It's flown in from Maryland. It's Ed's favorite.

You've paid more for his breakfast than we pay for ours.

Special barley?

Ed's seemed a little sluggish lately.

With all that rich food, he probably has the gout.

A horse has to be fed.

You just can't slip him $2.00 and expect him to eat out.

How about slipping me $2.00 and letting me eat out?

Oh, I love you when you get angry.

Come here, tiger.

Hi.

Mm?

Oh, uh, hello, Mr. McGibney. This is my wife.

We're married.

Hello.

I sure got to hand it to you, Mr. Post.

You pick women as good as you do horses.

Yes, I know. She's got sound withers, deep flanks, and well-turned hocks.

What's going on, Wilbur? Am I on an auction block?

I only meant it as a compliment, Mr. Post.

Yes.

Well, excuse me, dear.

What can I do for you, Mr. McGibney?

You phoned Murphy

and said you knew a man who wanted some painting done.

I phoned Mr. Murphy?

Oh. Well, it must have been some mistake.

Oh? I sure could use the work right now.

Yes, well, I'm sorry if somebody got you down here

on a wild goose chase, but--

Look, would a few dollars help you out?

Oh, Mr. Post, I'm not looking for a handout.

Wilbur, Roger is looking for someone to help him paint his living room.

Maybe he phoned Mr. Murphy.

No, he didn't.

How do you know?

Come on, Mr. McGibney. I'll take you next door.

I sure appreciate this work, Mr. Addison.

Yeah, you told me.

Now, Mr. McGibney, before you start,

I think we should come to some financial arrangement.

Why don't you pay me whatever you think is fair?

No, that's no good. It only leads to trouble later.

What do you customarily charge for a little job like this?

Well, you want to pay me by the hour or by the job?

Which is cheaper?

It comes out about the same.

About? Then one is cheaper.

- I suppose so. - Which one?

Look, why don't you just pay me what you think is fair?

- Dollar an hour? - Oh, that's more than fair.

Mr. McGibney, I don't want to be more than fair. I want to be just fair.

Well, what would a regular painter charge?

We'll make it a dollar an hour, and I'll throw in your lunch.

Fine.

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't start until I say go.

Four, three, two, one.

Go.

Ed.

Hi, buddy boy.

Don't you buddy boy me, you big phony.

Who told you to phone Murphy and offer McGibney that job?

Nobody. It was my own idea.

Ed, the man drugged a race horse.

He's not reliable.

He may rob Addison's house.

Never. He's honest.

I'd bet my tail on it.

Oh, you would?

You'd look pretty funny walking around here

with a feather duster where your tail used to be.

Please, Wilbur, trust my animal instinct.

This man never doped Lady Sue.

This animal instinct,

this enables you to pick out an honest man?

I picked you, Wilbur.

Uh...

Okay, Ed, I won't blow the whistle on him this time.

But believe me, if he causes Addison any trouble,

I'm coming back in here with a feather duster and a pair of scissors.

Oh.

Roger, I found some more old newspapers in the garage.

Thank you, my dear. I really appreciate this.

- Here, I'll give you a hand. - Good.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

♪ 'Twas a lovely day in August ♪

♪ And the sun was in the sky ♪

♪ A-beamin' on the blue lake ♪

♪ Sparkle in your eye ♪

♪ I met this fair young lady ♪

♪ Sitting near the Blarney stone ♪

♪ I spoke to her, she spoke to me ♪

♪ And now she is me home ♪

♪ 'Twas a lovely day in August ♪

♪ The sun was in the sky ♪

♪ A-beamin' on the blue lake ♪

What are you doing?

I like to sing while I paint.

!Well, how about painting to this song?

[hums Irish jig]

Roger.

Huh?

[hums Irish jig]

[McGibney hums Irish jig]

Well, good-bye, Mr. Post.

I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you and your wife.

Mr. McGibney, why did you do it?

Do what?

Drug that horse.

I never drugged Lady Sue.

Mr. Post, I love horses.

My father raised horses.

I was brought up around stables.

Why, many the night I've paced the floor

when one of my horses was foaling.

And the night Lady Sue was born,

I tell you, I was that proud, I wanted to pass out cigars.

Mr. Post, I'd cut off my right arm

before I'd drug that horse.

Or any horse.

Ah, you don't believe me.

Nobody does.

I believe you.

You do?

Well, thanks, Mr. Post.

Now, do you have any idea who might have drugged Lady Sue?

Only Lady Sue knows that,

so what chance have I got, since horses can't talk?

Well, I'll be seeing you, Mr. Post.

Ed, I'm taking you to the race track with me.

Sorry, Wilbur.

My mother taught us kids never to bet.

Ed, I just had a talk with McGibney.

Now, there's only one way we can prove his innocence.

Only Lady Sue knows who slipped her that pill, right?

So?

So I sneak you into the stall,

you talk to her in horse talk,

and we find out who did it.

- Oh, Wilbur? - Huh?

I always knew I was smart,

but I got to say one thing.

What?

Some of it's rubbed off on you.

Hi.

Hey, wait a minute.

Who are you?

Eddie Johnson.

We just came in from Pimlico.

They don't race at Pimlico in the winter.

That's why we're here.

Wait a minute.

Ain't you kind of tall for a jockey?

Not when I'm sitting down.

Hold it.

You know, you're too heavy for a jockey.

Well, that's all foam rubber. I bruise easily.

What's the gag?

You trying to pass off this overweight plug as a race horse?

That's what you get for calling him a plug.

Look, this is Sir Galahad.

Now, we're late for the workout,

and if you don't let him get through,

you'll be in trouble with the owners.

Yeah? Well, suppose we just check.

What's the owner's name?

April Fool.

We've got to prove he's innocent.

How do I get you in to talk to Lady Sue?

Get me two pairs of pants,

and I'll go in as Huntley and Brinkley.

Oh, stop that.

Anyway, it's too bad Lady Sue can't speak English.

Then I could talk to her.

Yeah. It's too bad you don't know horse talk.

Yeah.

Hey, why not?

Why not what?

Why don't I teach you horse talk?

Are you serious?

It's easy, Wilbur.

Our language is based on short neighs and long neighs.

You mean something like the Morse code?

Yeah, only ours is a horse code.

Ed, do you really think you could teach me enough

- to talk to Lady Sue? - Ha ha ha!

Three lessons from me, Wilbur, and you'll be growing a tail.

[neighs]

How's that, Ed?

No good.

You got five beats instead of four.

I'll do it slow for you.

[neighs]

Go ahead. Now you try it.

[neighs]

Well, that's pretty good.

Try running it together.

[neighs]

Perfect.

Now, you've got the letter C.

Okay. What's D?

Well, a D is a C, only shake your tail after it.

What tail?

Use what you got. A horse will understand.

Ed, show me D.

Certainly.

[neighs]

Your turn, Wilbur.

Well, I'll give it a try.

[neighs]

Oh, no, you shook your tail twice.

That's a W.

It's no use, Ed. I'm just a linguist.

Don't give up, little Pygmalion.

But it's so tough.

Remember, McGibney's whole futuLre

depends on your learning horse talk.

Did you have this much trouble learning English?

No, but I had an advantage. I knew Latin.

Okay, Ed. What's next?

Well, let's review what we learned.

And don't the gestures.

A is a short neigh.

Mm-hm.

B is like A, only you stamp your foot.

Yeah.

C is a B, but you shake your mane.

Uh-huh.

And D is a C, but I shake my tail.

Hey, he's got it. By George, he's got it.

Go ahead, Wilbur.

Oh, good.

[clears throat]

Let's see now. A-- [neighs]

And B is-- [neighs]

H-- [neighs]

That's capital H, sorry.

[neighs]

[neighs]

[stamps foot]

[neighs]

Hi, Rog.

What are you doing?

Just kidding around with Ed.

You're sick.

I'll put him back in his stall.

Come on, boy. There we go.

I brought back your spray gun.

Oh, thanks. I'll buy you one for Christmas.

And I'll buy you a walkie-talkie,

so you can keep in touch with your horse.

[neighs]

That's H.

Well, I guess I did look a little ridiculous.

I'll never learn your language.

Walkie-talkie.

Ed, I won't have to learn your language.

You are going to talk to Lady Sue.

Oh, here we go again.

This is Wilbur. Come in, Ed.

Come in, Ed.

I read you, Wilbur.

I read you. Over and out. Roger.

Ed, would you talk to Lady Sue?

Ask her if she can remember getting a pill

just before her last race.

[neighs]

[neighs]

[neighs]

What'd she say, Ed?

She said the pill was a gasser,

and where can she get some more?

Ask her if Mr. McGibney gave her that pill.

[neighs]

[neighs]

What'd she say?

She says McGibney is a sweet man,

and he wouldn't even give her an aspirin without a prescription.

Ask her if she remembers who did give her the pill.

[neighs]

[neighs]

Well?

She says she's bad on names, but she can describe the man.

He always wears a pork pie hat, a black shirt,

and a white tie.

A pork pie hat, a black shirt, and a white tie.

That's great, Ed. I'll get that desription right over to the police.

Where do you think you're going?

You--

Who are you?

What was that about a black shirt and white tie?

Uh-oh.

Who you talking to on that thing?

I was talking to my horse.

A wise guy, huh?

Well, what I mean is,

my horse was talking to this horse.

Oh, you are?

- Why... - It's true.

You see, horses do talk to each other.

They have their own language.

Like A is-- [neighs]

And B is-- [neighs]

And C is-- [neighs]

No, that's W.

Just one like that. Please.

All right. You can go ahead and shoot me,

but you'll never get away with it.

Lady Sue knows it was you

who gave her that pill.

Lady Sue?

Lady Sue?

Okay, mister, now who are you?

- Me? - What's your angle?

Are you looking for some kind of pay-off to keep quiet?

No, no.

Then you better level with me.

Now, who else knows it was me

who slipped Lady Sue that goofball?

Well, it's just me and my horse,

and that nice big policeman behind you.

All right, buddy. Come on.

Put your hands up against the wall. Move.

- Who are you? - Huh?

Oh, I remember. You're that heavy jockey.

Not anymore. I just lost ten pounds.

[neighs]

You can say that again, Ed.

You know, I still don't know how you did it, Mr. Post,

but it's grand having my old job back with Lady Sue.

You belong here, Mr. McGibney.

I'd like you to call me John.

Thank you. I'd like you to call me Wilbur.

All right, Wilbur.

You know, it's nice having friends like you and Mrs. Post and Mister Ed.

[Ed whinnies]

Uh, he wants you to call him just Ed.

Ed?

Excuse me a minute. I got to get her some water.

- I'll be right back. - Sure, sure.

You know, he gave me some passes

to watch Lady Sue run on Saturday.

I did better than that. [chuckles]

I got a date with her right after the race.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways presentation.