Original subtitles

(TH EME MUSIC PLAYING)

- Yes? - Hello!

I'm looking for Mrs Foulsham?

Yes, that's me, what do you want?

Handle Me Gently.

- Sorry? - The removals company, Handle Me Gently.

I'm Spike,

we spoke on the phone.

- Oh, that's right, yes. - Yes, right so through here is it?

Yes, but we're not quite...

No, no. This way.

You're a bit of a mouthful, aren't you?

The name I mean, of your company.

Oh, yeah, that's my boss' idea.

He wanted to call us Van-Man Style

-but I managed to talk him out of that. -(GIGGLING) Funny!

Well, these are all the things...

I want to be moved. All of this, and, well, everything really

because that's what happens when you move, isn't it?

That's the idea.

Though some people do leave a little something

for the people that are moving in.

- You got a buyer yet? - Not yet.

Some people leave a bottle of champagne, you know,

lawn-mower.

I know a couple that found a cardboard box on the kitchen table.

Inside the box was a paint pot.

Inside the paint pot

was a human turd. So you know, people are funny, aren't they?

What do we have here?

- These the breakables, is it? - Yes that's right, all...

Broken.

Okay. I'm going to have to make a note of this.

Of course.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

No, it's all right, I'm just...

It's all been a bit trying.

It's one of the most stressful things, isn't it, moving house.

People often say that, but according to

the Holmes and Rake Stress Scale,

the top three are Death of a Spouse, Divorce and Imprisonment.

Moving house is only number 32.

Oh, well, that's something.

And erectile dysfunction

isn't even on the list so, I don't know what her problem is.

I mean, I'm just getting it out there, you know, talking about it.

- It's no biggie. - Evidently not.

So, you lived here long, have you?

In this house? Yeah, yonks. Yonks and yonks.

How long is a yonk? Often wondered.

Yeah that's a good question, I don't know actually.

Oh, here's my husband. He might know.

Darling, how long is a yonk?

NXKTOR". A what'? - A yank.

Sorry, this is Spike from

Squeeze Me Tightly.

- Handle Me Gently. - All right.

He was wondering how long a yonk is.

It's short for a donkey's year, isn't it?

Yeah, that would make sense.

Are you all ready to move house, darling?

Well, the cakes are still in the oven so if...

Spike could come back another time.

Yes, we're making cakes for whoever moves in, aren't we?

We decided against pooing in a paint pot.

- What? - I'll show you out.

Mrs Foulsham, I don't think you understand,

we work on allocations only.

If I don't fill your slot today, it might be weeks

-before I can get up again. - Of course.

- Spike has erectile dysfunction. - Really?

I'm sorry is there a problem here?

No! We're just a normal family moving house.

PERCY: What's going on?

It's all right, Dad. Go back to bed.

I can't sleep. My stomach's playing up.

Why are you dressed like a tart?

- And what's Richard Stilgoe doing here? - Come on,

-let's get you back upstairs... - I'm not changing any of those lyrics,

Stilgoe, so you can shove your roller skates up your arse,

-do you hear? - He thinks he's Andrew Lloyd-Webber.

(MOBILE RINGING)

- What's that racket? - Sorry, it's my phone.

- Now, come on, come with me. - Don't touch my penis!

Did you see that people?

He's trying to play me like a cello.

Oh, my God! What's wrong? Are you okay?

I'll get a towel.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

-(GROANING) - Jesus Christ!

I can explain.

Ah, Julian, there you are. Well, you took your time.

Sorry, I couldn't find any cocoa.

She's packed everything away.

Well, I hope she hasn't touched my bloody piano!

I didn't see it.

Why aren't you wearing any clothes?

I was just doing some painting. Here.

Oh, God! It's too hot.

My mouth is not asbestos, you know.

Sorry.

Oh, I had a good bit of news this morning.

Roger has agreed to do Aspects.

- Roger? - Roger Moore.

James Bond in one of my musicals, how about that then? Hmm?

(LAUGHING)

Hope he can sing.

That's great news.

Well, tell your face.

What's the matter with you?

Sorry, it's been a long day.

Have your cocoa.

You're my son, aren't you?

You're notjulian Lloyd-Webber at all.

That's right.

And I have a daughter, don't I?

Yeah.

That's good.

Well, you two must look after each other.

I won't be here forever, you know.

I know.

Don't worry, Dad.

Have your cocoa.

It'll be cooler now.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

What now!

If it's Julie Covington tell her it's too late.

I've already offered the part to Elaine Paige.

(DOOR OPENING)

Ooh, sorry.

Not interrupting anything, am I?

No, no, I was just upstairs with...

- Andrew Lloyd -Webbe r? - Ah, yes.

Bless him. He's really far-gone now, isn't he?

Yes, yes, he's... He's got no memory.

Other than the one from Cats.

Exactly.

Is Natasha in?

I'm a good friend of hers, I just live down the lane.

Ah, no she's not here at the moment. No she's...

-just picking up the removal man. - Oh, I see.

Does he not have his own transport?

- The removal man? - Yes, yes, he just got lost.

I was going to say. Be quite a slow move.

Natasha's been talking a lot about you. The mystery man.

- All good I hope? - Yes.

She seems very much in love.

I hope you'll take good care of her.

I will.

Anyway, I don't want to keep you. I only popped round to return this.

You know what she's like about people borrowing things.

- Yes. - She didn't speak to Mrs Grainger

-for months over that quiche plate. - So I believe.

(PERCY GROANING)

Er... (MUMBLES)

Wait a...

-(GROANING) - What's wrong?

It's that bloody cocoa.

- It doesn't agree with me. -just try to keep your voice down.

I haven't felt this bad since the press night of Love Never Dies.

Shit.

Looks like that's the removal van.

Listen to me, bitch, you do exactly as I say.

Hello? Anybody in?

Sorry I'm late.

Hi. Hugo BravingtomjSQ. I had a message from the lady

of the house saying, she was gonna let you in?

- Ah, that's right, yes. - Well, here are the property deeds,

you can peruse these at your leisure as and when.

Headlines are

four bed trad farmhouse, two outbuildings

with planning pending, country kitchen with a five door Aga,

period features, don't know if you're arsed?

- Not really. - No, me neither.

Obviously, in need of a lick a paint,

you can see they've made a start already.

But to be perfectly honest with you it'll be sold before that's dry.

Is your wife able to view today, I'd strongly recommend it?

Ah, she's actually looking at some other properties at the moment.

Which ones, not Pennington Lane?

It is sinking, it'll be a basement in two years

but you didn't hear it from me.

So have we got a deal, are we rocking?

I haven't really looked round it yet.

Absolutely. Be my guest.

Any questions, don't hesitate. I will leave you alone.

Thanks.

Storage.

Lovely door action there.

No lock, very free and easy.

Imagine coming down those stairs every morning.

Cup of coffee, dog padding through with the paper.

Wife. Smell of bacon. Cooking it, she doesn't smell of it.

- I'm vegetarian. - Me too, good call.

We will live longer, my friend.

Let them choke on their sausages, eh?

Well, thanks very much.

One second, I've got a call coming through. Hello?

Really? Well, that is very interesting because I've got a gentleman here

at the property at the moment.

Well, yeah, let me relay that to him.

What's happened is someone's put an offer in,

not asking price but close to, and the vendor is considering it.

Now, we have a window of like

five minutes if you want to secure this property...

(MOBILE RINGING)

Mmm, that's weird. I was just talking to someone.

What's happened there then? Hello?

Hi, Mum.

Yeah, I can't talk right now. I'm with a client.

Anything, I'm not fussed.

All right then, biryani. Stop.

I don't know, lamb...

Look, I've gotta go. I'll speak to you later. Okay? Bye.

So, yeah, like I say, it's deal or no deal.

I'll think about it.

Please.

Please. I need this sale.

I just need to get something up on the board, that's all,

get over this dry patch.

How about it? I feel like we've connected.

- I mean, for fuck's sake, a five-door... - Okay.

- What? - Okay, I'll buy it.

- What's the asking price? - Eight sixty.

Fine. I'll go and speak to my mortgage provider.

You have saved a man's life today, you will not regret this.

And, as a thank you gesture, I have permission from the vendor

to throw in all these items of furniture...

- Whoa, that's not... - I think you've just lost this sale.

(SCREAMING)

(GUN CLICKS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

- Come out of there! - No, leave me alone.

Listen up.

- I just want to talk to you. - I don't believe you.

You've killed Mrs Foulsham,

do you have any idea how that's going

-to affect the asking price? - Look, Hugo,

there's no lock on this door,

you've just told me that.

Please, let me go home.

My mum's ordered me a biryani.

Well, come out then.

I'm not going to hurt you,

I promise!

_((l_AN KS) _(THUDS)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

PERCY: Hello! Sarah!

Water's getting cold.

Not another one.

PERCY: Sarah?

Is that you?

Well, well, well, if it isn't the great Julian Lloyd-Webber,

come to see his older brother. Hmm?

Now look,

I've already given you the theme to the South BankShow

and that's all you're gonna get out of me!

Who the fuck are you?

You know damn well who I am, Julian.

Well, come on now, help me out of this bath.

(SIGHS)

All right, fine.

And then I'll make you a nice cup of cocoa.

Warm you up.

(GRUNTING)

- Are you in yet, Daddy? - All right, all right, don't rush me.

Just let me know when everything's under the bubbles.

Oh, good grief!

That reminds me, I must get some sun-dried tomatoes.

Now, is there anything else I can do for you?

No, thank you, I'm not an invalid.

Right. Well, I'm going down to finish the packing.

You remember we're moving the furniture today?

What bloody furniture?

Who are you, anyway?

I'm Natasha, Daddy.

- I'm your daughter. - Oh, don't be ridiculous.

You're far too old to be my daughter.

You'd better get out of here before Sarah gets back.

She's auditioning for Hot Gossip today.

Daddy, listen.

I know you won't understand

but I have to tell you something.

Charles and I are moving to Portugal.

You remember Portugal?

We had that holiday there when I was a girl.

Yes, yes. Albufeira.

That's right, well...

We need to get away.

Make a fresh start.

We've found a lovely home for you, not far from here,

there's lots of people there with your...

Well, who I'm sure you'll get on with.

I won't share a room with Tim Rice!

No, you get your own room.

The problem is I won't be able to contact you.

That's the deal.

Because Charles and I...

Well, let's just say it'll be better all round

if we disappear.

Right.

Have you finished?

- Yes. - Oh, good. Go, get out.

Close every door to me.

(SIGHS)

Hugo, it's Natasha.

I'm just checking you're on your way over for the viewing.

Like I say I've got someone who's very interested.

I'll let them in if they get here before you.

And I hope you don't think I'm being patronising

but please try not to appear so desperate.

It's very off-putting.

You were sweating so much last time you looked like Lee Evans at the O2.

Anyway, I'll see you shortly.

Oh, and just so you know my father's in the upstairs bathroom,

so you might want to warn them about the whole Andrew Lloyd-Webber thing.

Okay. Bye.

Ah good, you've made a start.

Spike, isn't it?

- Er... - You're Spike from Handle Me Gently?

We spoke on the phone.

- That's right, we did. - Good.

So I've managed to fill most of these boxes

but there are a few more breakables to go in.

- You can bubble-wrap them, can't you? - Er, yeah.

Very good.

Er, can I take yourjacket?

- Would you like a cup of tea? - Er, no, thank you.

So you live here, yeah? This is your house?

Yes, though not for much longer obviously.

It can get quite isolated

but I've been very lucky with my neighbours.

That's good.

So do you enjoy doing removals?

Er, I wouldn't say I enjoy it. But... Thanks.

- Someone's got to do it, haven't they? - Yes.

I'd hate to do it on my own.

I just try to make it as painless as possible.

- For everyone involved. - I meant to ask you,

do you do disposals as well?

- Can do. - Because I'm not taking the tumble-dryer

so it'll need driving to the tip.

I'll take care of everything.

There won't be any loose ends.

What a professional young man you are.

I do try.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, no, have you burned yourself?

Agas are terrible for that.

Here, run it under the tap.

Argh!

- I can get you some anti-septic cream. - No it's all right, I'll use this.

Honestly, it's no bother,

I have to keep my medical box handy

as I've an elderly father who's very accident-prone.

In another life I could have been a nurse.

There's something very satisfying about taking care of people,

-don't you think? - Absolutely.

Hello? Anybody in?

Sorry I'm late.

Sod it.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

May! What are you doing here?

I thought you had to stay in today?

I know, I'm sorry but I need to talk to someone or I'll go mad.

Of course, come in.

Thanks. I know you're busy with the move

and your dad and everything.

That's all right, come through.

So what's happened?

It's Charles. I think he's having an affair.

- Charles? - Yes.

I bought him some cuff-links for his birthday,

I can't even remember when it is now?

- What? - Charles' birthday.

It's May, isn't it?

That's right.

So I wrapped them up

and hid them in one of the drawers of the utility room and

that's when I found this.

She knows about our affair.

Well, that doesn't prove anything.

But he's been behaving so strangely, it makes perfect sense.

All those conferences in Dusseldorf,

he never once brought me back a bratwurst.

Look darling, you can't be worrying about sausages.

I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.

And this isn't even Charles's handwriting.

How do you know?

I can tell,

just from the birthday and Christmas cards

he's written me over the years.

I didn't think of that.

And if you're that worried about it,

ask him about it tonight when he gets home from work.

You mustn't bottle it up.

That's the worst thing you can do.

Thanks, Natasha.

You're such a dear friend.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Now come on, you should get back home.

I'd hate for you to miss that package.

You're right. It's probably my overactive imagination.

PERCY: Sarah! These pyjamas are leaking again!

I think we should send them back.

Look, I've got to go.

- I'll need to put him in the bath. - Of course, you go.

I'll let myself out.

Thanks.

Goodbye, May.

MAY: of course, you go- I'll let myself out.

CHARLES: Hello?

NATASHA: Charles?

CHARLES". Why are you calling from the landline? I told you not to use it.

Is everything all right?

NATASHA: It's May, isn't it?

CHARLES". What about May? She's not been round has she?

I told her she had to stay in for a delivery.

NATASHA". She knows about our affair.

CHARLES". Why, what did she say?

Natasha, are you still there, darling?

Tell me what she said?

Natasha?

NATASHA: Look darling, you can't be worrying about sausages.

CHARLES". What? What are you talking about?

Listen, I know this is stressful

but we just have to hold our nerve.

In about half an hour she'll be out of our lives for good.

The man I'm using is very professional,

he comes highly recommended.

You just make sure you're with your estate agent

so you've got an alibi.

When the police come round and say there's been a murder

you can prove exactly where you were.

Look, I'm going to go, I'm in a meeting.

I love you. I'll see you in Portugal.

Natasha?

NATASHA: Goodbye, May.

CHARLES: What?