All language subtitles for glehnams

(TH EME MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

I wondered if you were going to turn up.

Sorry, Tommy.
You know what I'm like with time.

It's always half-past my left freckle.

What's all this?

I just wanted to get
a few extra bits and pieces.

I thought if we had some funny props
then it might inspire us,

you know, like we used to
back in the day.

Novelty items and what not.

This was such a bad idea.

It's just, I had to get rid
of a lot of the old props.

I kept them for years all boxed up
in my mother's back bedroom but then,

she passed and I had to chuck them all
in an old skip.

Eh, that could be a bit, couldn't it?

What do people do with their old skips?
Where do they dump them?

Sorry.

Sorry, I'm babbling.

It's good to see you, Tommy.

People call me Thomas now.

I haven't been Tommy for 30 years.

Oh, you look well.

What do we do? Do we hug,
shake hands, rub noses...

Let's just get on with it, shall we?

I haven't got long.

Okay-

What do you wanna do first?

Shall we try the interview sketch,

ease ourselves in gently as the bishop
said to the choirboy.

If you wish, yes.

I hope I remember it all.
I think I have it.

I listen to the albums
from time to time.

I still have VHS's of all
the telly stuff but I can't play them.

Hey, did you ever hear
anything back from those lads

who wanted to bring out a DVD?

No. Are you ready?

One sec.

And no looking out at the audience.

- What do you mean?
- You know what I mean,

you always used to do it.

- Mugging to the front row.
- No, I never!

You did.
Especially if I had a funny line.

You'd look out and take it
as if you'd earned the laugh.

- Don't. Pisses me off.
- I don't think I do that.

Well, next time you do it,
I'll click my fingers and you'll see,

-all right?
- Okay, fine.

- Good to see you too.
- Start.

(MIMICS KNOCKING)

(SNICKERS)

Sorry.

Come in!

(DOOR CREAKING)

Hello, I'm here for the interview.

Ah, yes, would you like to take a seat?

No, you're all right.
I've got some at home.

No, no. I mean,
would you like to sit down?

Oh, yes, thank you.

(SIGHS)

So you found us all right?

Yes, your map
was extremely comprehensive.

Like your education I see.

(SNICKERS)

All right, you don't have to do it
every time.

I do. My laugh.

So, allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Mr Kirk.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Ah, Mister Kirk!

- Is tha' a wee Scots name, jimmy?
- No, I don't think so.

As a matter of fact
my father was born in Ireland.

(IRISH ACCENT) Ah,
the Emerald Isle, begorrah?

Leprechauns and Guinness,
to be sure, to be sure.

- So, the company's based in Leeds--
-(YORKSHIRE ACCENT) Nay, lad!

- Eeh by gum and 'ecky thump!
- Working closely with...

Harry Ramsdens!

Best chips in th'whole of Yorkshire.

The Sony Corporation...

(CHINESE ACCENT)
Ah, so, number one son!

Exporting to India...

(INDIAN ACCENT) Cor blimey Mister,
ten thousand apologies!

- Via Buckingham...
-(POSH VOICE) Oh, I say,

-how terribly, terribly poche!
- We have an office in Moscow.

-(RUSSIAN ACCENT) More vodka comrade!
- A branch in London.

-(COCKNEY ACCENT) Lovelyjubbly!
- And we're expanding into Madagascar!

- Really? How interesting.
- Look, would you concentrate please?

I'm looking for a serious candidate
to fill this position.

- Well, I did go to university.
- Really? Where did you study?

- Cambridge.
- When can you start?

(SNICKERS)

Ah, boom! It's a belter that!
Still works doesn't it?

You won't be able to do
any of that ending.

What do you mean?

Can't do Chinese
and Asian voices any more.

Why?

Because Len,
it is what is known as racist.

Oh, give over! That's the joke.

What's the joke?

What are you inviting people
to laugh at exactly?

Just a man doing all daft voices.

- We did it in our first series.
- We only had one series, remember?

Yeah, but still, it's been on telly.
Nobody complained.

Well, things have changed.
That was then.

PM fight, what about
Goodness Gracious Me?

They were all Asian, Len.

It's like Jackie Mason
telling jewjokes,

or Richard Pryor doing black material.

You're only allowed to take
the piss out of your own tribe.

Er, I don't think you should be
calling them a tribe, Tommy,

that is racialist.

Look, we can't do this sketch,
all right?

So, can we not do Ching-Chong Chinaman?

No.

In fact, I don't think
we should be doing this at all.

- I've made a mistake, I'm going.
- Oh, no, Tommy, please don't go!

I haven't seen you in 30 years.

Let's at least give it a chance.

# If you're going to cry

# Cry tears of laughter

# A smile takes much less effort
than a frown #

Eh, Tommy, I've just finished myjigsaw!

(AS TOMMY) Oh, was it difficult?

(AS LEN) Well it said
"3-5 years" on the box.

Only took me 6 months!

You know I live in France now?

Yeah, our Leanne said she'd read a piece
about you in the Standard.

You do computers, don't you?

Digital marketing.

Got my own company, Angry Tomato.

Fifteen offices worldwide.
100 people working under me.

Oh, does it not tickle?

I've moved on, Len.

All this Cheese and Crackers stuff...

You know, I employ someone
to take down all those YouTube clips?

- No!
- Course I do.

I can't afford to go into a meeting with
HSBC and someone's found me

as Tina Turner with tights on my head
and ping-pong balls for eyes.

Hey, it's good publicity
that YouTube, you know?

My nephews were showing me,
you can get everything on it.

I know you can, Len.
And it's an embarrassment to me.

I see.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Is there any peppermint?

Er...

Forget it, I'lljust have Builder's.

Your Leanne's grown up
into a lovely young girl.

Oh, hasn't she? A right bobby dazzler.

When she wrote to me and asked me
about doing this gig I was...

Well, you won't be surprised to learn
I was unenthusiastic to say the least.

I know, Tommy. Sorry...
Thomas.

Remember that Morecambe and Wise
interview when they were asked,

"What would you have been
if you hadn't been comedians?"

And Eric said,
"Mike and Bernie Winters."

Yeah, funny line.

Well we weren't even
Mike and Bernie Winters.

- We weren't that good.
- No, I'm not having that, Tommy!

It's true. We came up in the mid 80s,
arse end of variety...

Got lucky with one series
on Anglia Television...

It was more than that!
What about all the live stuff?

Ten nights at Leeds City Varieties.

Top of the bill with Mick Miller,
Bobby Knutt and the Grumbleweeds.

- You can't get better than that!
- It's hardly the Rat Pack is it, Len?

So, why have you come then?

How could I not?

Plus you still owe me 25 quid.

What for?

Bernie Clifton's dressing room.

(scoFFS)

(CHOKING)

Well, there you go.
You've just proved you don't need me.

- You're funny on your own.
- Course I need you.

You can't have Crackers
without the Cheese!

That's another thing.
I hate that stupid name, I always did.

But someone had already registered
Cheese and Onion, I told you!

Why did it have to be
cheese and anything?

It's so babyish. And it's not funny.

- Well, I think it's funny.
- It's too generic.

First rule of comedy, be specific.

You never say 'biscuit,'
you say 'Garibaldi'.

- All right, Ted Bovis!
- If we do this... If...

I want us to use our real names.

- But then no-one'll know who we are!
- Correct.

All right, fine.

I'll tell our Leanne to have us billed
as Shelby and Drake,

if that's what you want?

Why Shelby and Drake?
Why not Drake and Shelby?

I dunno, it just sounds better.
It's the music of it.

- Drake and Shelby goes down.
- What?

Shelby and Drake, dah-dah-dah-dah!

Drake and Shelby, duh-duh-duh-duh.
You see, it goes down.

Only if you do it like that.
You could do Drake and Shelby!

- Dah-dah-dah-dah!
- All right, fine.

It's not a bother, either way works.

I'm just glad we're doing it again.

Though I will have to tell
that researcher on Britain'? Got Talent',

-cos if we change the name...
- What?

Oh, it's nothing,
I just put in an application form.

- For Britain's Got Talent?
- Yea h.

It's all back now you know, variety.
Massive viewing figures.

I can't believe. On what planet
do you think I would humiliate myself

b . Y aplbearmg ('an that prggramme?
VVlth you?

Well I don't remember you being so fussy
when Blankety Blank came knocking.

I told you,
they wouldn't have us both on.

Oh, really?

I tried but they went with
Lorraine Chase.

I'd have killed in that
bottom middle seat.

That was the place to be.

All the great clowns sat there.
Everett, Starr, Doddy.

That is not the point.

I agreed to come back to do
one last gig, to an invited audience.

And I only said yes because
your daughter wrote and told me that...

What?

Things haven't been great for you
the last few years.

But what do you mean?
What did she tell you?

Never mind.

No, go on. I want to know what she said.

Cheese and Crackers
are not doing Britain's Got Talent.

okay-

But Drake and Shelby might, yeah?
Let's rehearse the vent sketch.

You haven't gone, have ya?

No.

I'm still here.

I won't be able to lift you out,
I've got this hiatus hernia.

Oh, sure, my knees are gone anyway.

Argh! We'll figure it out.

Right.

So, boys and girls, this is Vincent.

- Say hello, Vincent.
- Hello, Vincent.

What are your first impressions?

Sorry, I don't do impressions. Eh!

No, no, I mean, er, what do you
hope to get out of this school?

All the TVs and video recorders.

I thought there Tommy we could update it
and say computers instead.

Yeah, whatever. Okay, Vincent,
so we'll give you a quick test.

- How's your grammar?
- She's very well thank you. How's yours?

No, no. I mean your English grammar.
Where would you put a colon?

UP Y0ur bum!

- What?
- Nothing, carry on.

So, let's move onto maths.
If a farmer has 12 cows and 18 chickens

and he loses half of them,
what has he got?

Foot and mouth disease.

History.
Where was the Magna Carta signed?

At the bottom!

- Geography. Where are the Andes?
- At the end of your armies!

Jesus Christ, we can't do this, Len.

- No, no, carry on.
- I can't. I can't bear it.

What's wrong? Do you think punk rockers
might be dated now?

Of course they are!
They were dated in 1984!

This played to silence on Crackerjack,
if you remember.

Janette Krankie
wouldn't look us in the eye.

- Well, that's cos she's only four foot.
- No, it's because it's poor.

We need better material.
We needed it then,

-we certainly need it now.
-just do the last bit, the drink bit.

(GARGLING)

Ha-ha! You see?
It's a cracking ending Tommy.

Though we'll have to make sure
the front row is close.

I want to get them all
with that spit-take.

- Oh, yeah, that's a cheap laugh, Len.
- Oh, come on!

- A laugh's a laugh, however you earn it!
- Yeah, for you maybe.

You know what your problem is?

You've lost your sparkle.

Yeah.

You've got no joy in you any more.

You're like a shark,
you've got dead black eyes.

All this corporate stuff
you've been doing at Angry Pineapple,

-it's sucked the life out of you.
- Tomato.

- What?
- It's Angry Tomato.

And I'm sorry I'm no fun any more,
but I'm a different person now.

You were no fun then.

You've always been miserable.

That's why it all dried up for us,
people could sense it.

You killed Cheese and Crackers, Tommy.
I'm sorry, but it has to be said.

You weren't always like this.

Remember when we first started out,
back in the day,

we used to cry with laughter
at every little thing.

Yeah, well...
The joke wore thin, didn't it?

- I'm going for a ciggie. Do you...
- No.

I stopped 20 years ago.
So should you.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Looks like it's gonna rain.

What's going on, Len? What's all this?

Nothing, they're just...

Props. I thought we could have a play,
like I said.

What were you thinking for these?

Sweeney Todd gets diarrhoea?

No, but it's a good thought.
Call it Sweeney Turd.

- Boom, we're off!
- Len, Len...

Are you...

I can't believe I'm saying this,
you're homeless aren't you?

Well, Leanne's got the baby now

and I have to be down here
for voice over work.

When did you last do a voice over?

It was a while back I grant ya.
I think it was for Tudor crisps.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want you to be jealous.

Not about the crisps,
about being homeless.

How has that happened?

I don't know, it just crept up on me.

Missed a few payments,

next thing there's a sign on the door,
all the locks have changed.

I had 15 minutes
to grab what I could.

So where are you actually staying now?

Here and there.
A few nights at Leanne's.

One or two other spots I've found.

I wish you'd told me sooner.
I could've helped you.

I don't want your money, Tommy.
I never did.

I just want you by my side.

One last serving of Cheese and Crackers.

All right.

What do you wanna do next?

Well, I thought we could have a go at
"One Man Went to Mow", you know,

with all the quick-fire impressions,
but we can't do it now.

Well, we could if we practiced.

No, we can't do it
cos they're all Yewtree.

They're not, are they?

Oh, God, you're right.

- He's not Yewtree, is he?
- Not yet, but he will be.

Oh, we can still do
all the cartoon ones.

"Oooh, oooh, Mr Peevly, Mr Peevly."

Do you think people remember
The Hair Bear Bunch?

Yes!

People love remembering things
that happened in the '70s.

This lot don't.

- When I last did panto...
- In 1992, carry on...

When I last did panto

I did 'em all.
Hong Kong Phooey, Dick Dastardly,

Mary Mungo and Midge.

What did you do
for Mary Mungo and Midge?

I just watched the lift go down.

Well, that must have been a fun evening.

Well it wasn't easy
being one ugly sister.

All right, but shouldn't we be thinking
of something more contemporary?

Who makes you laugh?

Eh?

What current stuff do you watch
that makes you laugh?

I've always admired
that young lad, joe Pasquale.

Uh, he's 56!

He's about as current as Kajagoogoo.

Funny bones though,
and he's a brilliant prop comic.

But if you still want to make it
in this game,

you've got to follow
what the rules are now.

With my business head on
I'd be looking at current trends,

gaps in the market.

At the moment, we're an outdated model.

It's heritage comedy!
It's magic what we do.

- It's not a business.
- It is a business, Len!

Show-business.

And that's what you failed to grasp.
And that's why...

What?

- Nothing.
- No, tell me!

It's obviously been on your mind
for 30 years.

All right.

Bernie Clifton's dressing room.

What about
Bernie Clifton's dressing room?

- You don't remember?
- No.

And that is my point.

Let's do brown bottles.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

(TAPPING FOOT)

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

# Ten brown bottles
Sitting on the wall

# Ten brown bottles
Sitting on the wall

# And if one brown bottle
Should accidentally fall

# There'll be nine brown bottles
Sitting on the wall

# Nine brown bottles
Sitting on the wall

# And if one brown bottle
Should accidentally fall...

Come on, accidentally fall!

I haven't finished this one yet!

# There'll be eight brown bottles
Sitting on the wall

# Eight brown bottles
Sitting...

You're not supposed to drink 'em!

# And if one brown bottle
Should accidentally fall

# There'll be seven brown...
Six bottles, sitting on the wall

# Five brown bottles
Sitting on the wall

# And if one brown bottle
Should accidentally fall...

Oh, sorry about that!

# There'll be four brown bottles
Sitting on the wall

# Four brown bottles
Sitting on the wall...

- What are you doing?
- Health and safety!

# And if one brown bottle
Should accidentally fall

# There'll be three brown bottles
Sitting on the wall

I need a wee.

# Three brown bottles
Sitting on the wall

# And if one brown bottle...

Not there!

# Should accidentally fall...

# There'll be two brown bottles
Sitting on the wall

# Two brown bottles
Sitting on the wall

I love you, Tommy.

# And if one brown bottle
Should accidentally fall...

# There'll be one brown bottle
Sitting on the wall#

Tommy Drake ladies and gentlemen!

He's so mean you need a spanner
to get 50p out of his hand.

Gis a kiss...

# There'll be no more bottles... #

- And no more wall.
-(LEN LAUGHS)

Hey, takes it outta ya that one.
It's funny though.

So, you don't remember
Bernie Clifton's dressing room?

No, I don't! Why do you have to
keep bringing that up?

We were on stage, Glasgow Pavilion,
doing Brown Bottles,

you walked off to get the broom,
you never came back.

You left me standing there,
humiliated, vamping for 10 minutes

while the audience started
slow hand clapping.

People shouting "Where's the funny one?"

I walked off to find you

in Bernie Clifton's dressing room,
lying on the floor

choking in your own vomit.

Probably cos I'd just necked
seven bottles of beer in three minutes!

Yeah, and how many times
a week did you do that?

- I can't remember.
- Course you can't remember.

I'm surprised you remember anything
from 83 to 87, the amount you drank.

- What are you saying?
- You nearly died, Len!

You're an alcoholic.

And Bernie Clifton's dressing room
was the last straw.

He had to destroy
that ostrich, you know?

- No, he didn't.
- He did!

Twenty-five quid I had to give him,
which I never saw back.

It's very stressful going out on stage
every night, making people laugh.

You don't need to tell me that.

How would you know, Thomas?

I was the one on the front foot,
driving it.

You just stood there
like a fucking pillar box.

That's why you were
drunk for 10 years, is it?

Oh, don't exaggerate.

You said I killed Cheese and Crackers?

Because I was miserable?

Why do you think they wouldn't
have you on Blankety Blank?

Why we died a death on Crackerjack?

It was you.

You were always pissed!

I loved performing.

I loved being on stage every night.

- Nothing gave me more joy.
- So, why did you leave it all then?

To save you.

You turned into a monster
after six half-hours on Anglia!

I was frightened if we got any bigger...

You were killing yourself,

so I walked away.

- But, you came back, didn't ya?
- Yes, and I wish I'd never bothered!

(DOOR OPENING)

Sorry, am I interrupting?

No, I was just,
going through my speech.

Hard to find the right words.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

Ah, have you been
looking through my Dad's stuff?

Yeah.

Yeah, brought back a lot of memories.

He was a funny man.

He was.

Are there many people here?

Quite a few, yeah.

Er, Sid Little, couple of Nolans...

- I've brought you the order of service.
- Oh, thanks.

You'll be on afterjanette Krankie.

So if you just give a moment
to move her box.

Ah, yeah.

My dad wanted it
to be a celebration.

One last gig to an invited audience.

As long as they don't expect me
to be funny.

Oh, no,
I don't think anyone's expecting that.

Thanks for doing it though.

I know you and my dad
had unresolved business.

We did, but, erm...

It's too late now.

Like I said earlier,
just imagine he's here with ya,

in the room.

Yeah.

You will come to the do after, won't you
for a drink and a snack?

We're, erm...

-having cheese and crackers.
- Oh, well, quite right too.

Erm,

we're gonna be playing
Tears of Laughter

when they bring him in,
just so you're prepared.

Okay-

Oh, I almost forgot.

He wanted you to have this.

He was very insistent.

He said you'd know what it was about.

(SNIFFLING)

Thank you, old pal.

# It's almost time to say goodbye

# Ta ta and fare thee well

# It's almost time
To bring the curtain down

# I'll say adieu...
# To me?

# To you
So long, it has been swell

# But don't you cry the tears of a clown

# If you're

# Going to cry
Cry tears of laughter

# A smile takes much less effort
Than a frown

# So let's have one more joke

# And raise the rafters

# Cos laughter's
The best medicine in town

Doctor, doctor, I keep feeling
like a woman who delivers babies!

Don't worry, it's just a midwife crisis.

# Yes, if you're going to cry

# Cry tears of laughter

# Your funny bone can never break in two

# Misery might let you win a BA I-TA

# But laughter is my memory of you

There are three types
of people in this world.

Those who can count
and those that can't.

Terrible.

# Laughter is my memory of you

Do you know Tommy,
I've spent the last four years

looking for my mother-in-law's killer.
But no one will do it.

# Yes, laughter is my memory of...

#You#