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Please sit back and...

And stop breathing.

It's just coming up to 14.15,
which is quarter past two in old money,

and we've got some lovely,
soothing Schubert coming up.

But first, with this week's
gardening tips, here's...

Oh, bugger off!

We're not all
one foot in the grave.

Hello?

Hello, can you hear me?

Sorry, I can't...

Can you put the phone
to your mouth?

I can't quite hear.

Bloody hell!

Sorry about that.
I was just coddling an egg.

Hello?

Elsie!

Hello, dear.

How are you?

No, no, sorry,
my name's Arthur Flitwick.

You don't know me, but I found this
phone, that I'm speaking to you on now,

in the churchyard
at St Catherine's.

I've no idea who it belongs to,
but yours was the last number dialled.

Oh, well,
it belongs to Elsie Mitchell.

We sometimes partner each other
at the Con Club Sunday social,

you know, with us both
having lost our husbands.

But I've not heard
from her in a while.

Well, is it possible you could let
her know that I've got her phone

and I can arrange
to get it back to her?

Absolutely.

I'll let her know right away.

She'll be ever so grateful,
I'm sure.

Jolly good.

Well, she can reach me on treble
four, four, two, four, four.

That's easy to remember!

It is, yes. Arthur Flitwick.

Well, nice talking to you and I hope
to hear from Elsie in due course.

Thank you, dear. Bye then.

Yes, goodbye.

Hello?

Elsie, it's Moira O'Keefe!

Listen, I know you
lost your mobile phone,

but I've just heard from a
nice man who found it for you.

No, no, Moira.

His name's Arthur Flitwick and you
can reach him on four, four, four...

Moira, this is Arthur.

You found her, did you?

No, I've got Elsie's mobile and that's
the number you're calling me on now.

Oh, good heavens.
What a fool I am!

Would you happen to have
her landline at all?

No, I only have the one
starting zero, seven.

That'll be the mobile, will it?

I'm afraid so, yes.

Well, there we go,
mystery solved.

Except I want to be able to
get this phone back to her.

Will I leave her a voicemail?

No, because then it'll
come through to me.

Do you know if she has...

..other friends in the area?

No, but you could try the
vicar at St Catherine's.

I believe they
were...quite close.

Right, would you happen
to have his name?

Reverend Neil.

Now, I'd better go.

My husband's just come in.

Oh, I thought you said
your husband was...

That I was able to perform
the service myself.

She's buried at St Catherine's,
then?

She is.

And you'd be most welcome
yourself, Mr Flitwick.

It would be a pleasure
to see you any time.

In the cemetery?

No, no, in the church.

We're always on the
lookout for...new blood.

I mustn't take up any
more of your time.

If you could just let me have
Elsie's telephone, I'll be on my way.

Yes, the thing is, reverend,
after I spoke to you,

I was scrolling through some
of Elsie's text messages.

Purely in an investigatory
capacity, of course.

And I came across a
message from her daughter.

Evangeline?

Yes.

She said she'd like to come
and collect the phone herself,

if it's all the same to you?

Of course.

Dear Evangeline, she was always
such a rock for her mother.

Do send her my fondest wishes.

And these...text
messages you found...

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Hello?

Mr Flitwick,
it's Moira O'Keefe again.

I hope I'm not
interrupting your evening?

Not at all. No.

I'm just here with
Reverend Neil, actually.

He was telling me how Elsie
would clean at the church

and help with the brownies.

Ah, yes, that toilet in the
vestry has a busted flush.

I've told the reverend
to get a man in.

Yes.

The thing is, Moira,
I have some rather upsetting...

I am very sorry, as you can hear, we
are having a few problems with the sound

for this live edition
of Inside No. Nine.

We hope to rectify that for
you in just a few moments.

So stay with us here on BBC Two.

Well, I am really sorry, but we
have a few gremlins in the studio

and we won't be able to continue
with tonight's live episode

which will now be
shown at a later date.

The good news is, we do have

a repeat from series
one of Inside No. 9,

so please sit back and
enjoy A Quiet Night In.

Well, that you can see,

we are continuing to have difficulties
with Inside No. 9 tonight,

we are working on it.

As soon as I get any information
about what is going on,

I will of course let you know.

As I was saying, as soon as we
have identified the issue...

We will get something
to air for you.

Hello?

Is someone there?

*Always look on the
bright side of life...*

Oh, Bobby! Jesus, stop!
Don't do a thing.

Don't do a thing.

All right.

- Did you find him?
- Yeah.

Basically, he said if
they can fix the sound,

there is a possibility we can
go on at 11 o'clock tonight.

- Start again?
- Yeah.

Pathetic.

But that would mean
bumping the Ring.

- He's not sure if they are
gonna be in place. - Fuck.

He does not say they
are gonna fix it, so...

What a fucking...

Why didn't just cut to the
repeat of the rehearsal one?

If there was a problem,

they said they would use the rehearsal
one we filmed this afternoon.

But no one

No one knows anyway, does he?
Who fucking cares?

It's not even Halloween.

Why do a Halloween special? By the way,
can it actually be on Halloween night?

Maybe it can now, instead
of fucking The Apprentice.

Where are they all now?

They have all gone
upstairs for a meeting.

I knew this would happen.
Makes me look stupid.

What are they saying on Twitter?

I can't, can I?
God, there is no signal.

There is. There is Wi-Fi.

There isn't.

There is a cord next door.

No one told me.

Stephany showed me.

- Stephany showed you.
- Yeah.

Can't believe Stephany Cole
can get online and you can't.

I know.

She is a 77-year-old woman.

Adam said tha they are gonna
repeat A Quiet Night In.

- What now?
- Yes, on now.

- Do we get repeat fee?
- Don't know actually. Good point.

Good. Something good
has come out of it.

Do you think if we do
it again like next year,

we should try and get
someone else for Moira?

Instead of Stephanie Cole.

You know, like I said
right from the start.

She cannot do it.
The accent is...

- It's not.
- It is.

It is the ending.

A, she does not understand it.

B, she is making it obvious...

You can't blame her for that.
It's totally impenetrable.

- It's not.
- It is.

It's not

- Defy any normal person...
- It is a good ending.

Right.

I'm on Twitter.

Locking hundreds of messages.

Saying what?

What's going on on Inside No.
9, is this part of the twist?

Oh, do fuck off.

I bet everyone thinks we do
it deliberately on the net.

Hello and welcome
to Most Haunted.

This week I have landed us right in the
middle of a great British institution.

This is certainly a different
location, Coronation Street,

But the amazing thing is that there
are so many reported sightings

of ghosts on this site,
not only on the street here

but also actually
in the studios.

There is one ethereal that
comes to me almost immediately,

and it is a male figure.

He is an older male, he's not...

It's hard to age him.

I think maybe, maybe in his 50s.

He either died here
of a heart attack,

or he died here of an accident,
because it seems like he worked here.

How long ago we talking
that this man was around?

It's not that long ago,

- Maybe, the figure I'm getting is
only like ten years or so ago. - Right.

- And worked here.
He worked here, you said? - Yeah.

It feels like he worked here.

- As a member of crew?
- Yes, as a member of crew.

Hello?

No, this is Stefanie Cole.

No, I'm one of the cast
members from Inside No Nine.

No, I hadn't heard of it either,

but apparently it's a BBC
2 sort of comedy thing.

Are you looking for
someone in particular?

Because everybody seems
to have buggered off.

Sorry, sorry,
what did you say your name was?

Alan. Alan.

Do you work here?

Victorian clothes.

Producers were forced to hire
an innate Roman Catholic priest

to perform an exorcism
in Granada Studios

to ask the ghost to
leave in peace God.

There were also reports of a curse in
Manchester after a run of bad luck,

which included a fire
destroying costumes

from flexural drama the
The Jewel in the Crown.

I remember that.

Entertainer Bobby Davro
nearly breaking his neck

- in a freak prop malfunction.
- Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!

Jesus Bobby!

Don't do a thing!

And the untimely death
of prop man Alan Starr,

who hanged himself from
the lighting gallery

on Halloween night
ten years ago.

So that's where we are now.
Brilliant.

Do you see this
message from Mark?

On the Whatsapp group.

On the League Whatsapp group?

He says put BBC Two on now.

So are we on it?

- Oh, yeah. - They must
have cut to the rehearsal one.

OK. That can't be it, because
that is that camera there.

Do BBC Two.

- No, this is BBC Two.
- No, BBC One.

- No look. BBC One.
- Yeah.

BBC Two.

That And BBC Four.

And do BBC Three?

What do you mean?

It doesn't exist,
it isn't a channel.

- When did that happen?
- Come on, you knew that.

No, I'm still...

No, I don't know. I have no
interest in television like that.

- That's weird.
- This is really wicked.

Put a message on Twitter,

- All right.
- All right.

Are me and Steve
Pamberton on BBC Two now?

- You want me to tweet that?
- Yeah.

A lot of people were
just watching this.

All right, a new surveillance.

All right, now that's Stephanie,

so that's definitely one
of the studio captures.

What is she doing?

I don't know.

But if you press the AV...

Mr Flitwick?

It's Moira.

Are you about?

Only the door was on the latch.

I'm just in the bathroom, Moira.

Oh, then I won't disturb you.

I know better than to come
between a man and his prostate.

My Jerry is up and down like a bride's
nightie till all hours of the morning.

It's just that I had a very strange
message from the Reverend Neil.

Have you seen him at all?

I haven't seen him, no.

Only he asked me
to meet him here.

He said he had very important
information about Elsie.

Yes. He was going to come round,

but he got called away on
urgent parish business.

I think somebody
had stolen his bike.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Yes, he is.

Was! He was.

Well, I will leave you in peace.

Is there nothing I can
get for you, Arthur?

Sure you are looking very pale.

No, I just...I haven't eaten,
that's all.

- You know what they say,
hunger is a great sauce. - Yes.

Shall I pop an eggie in
the microwave for you?

- No. - No, sure, sure.
It's no trouble at all.

I will crack one open
and give you a head...

Start.

He killed Elsie, he pushed her
down the steps of the belltower.

Did he indeed?

After what happend at Brownie Camp, she
changed her will to benefit the church,

but he needed the money quickly,
so...

So he murdered her?

Yes.

He knew I was onto him,
he would've done the same to me,

that is why I needed
to strike first.

And how did you know all this,
Arthur dear?

Elsie told me, on her phone.

She told me.

She told me!

Briff, can I just have a...

a bit of a question here,
I've got a bit of a question.

I'm sorry, do you mean Steve?
Sorry.

I guess yes, of course. And, no,

it's just I'm not very clear
about Moira's intentions.

I mean,
do we know that she's lying?

- Yes.
- No.

What? No? Yeah?

No. Because she is telling
the truth at this point.

- Oh, I see.
- Well, we...

We haven't quite decided,
really.

To be honest with you.
Whether she's telling the truth.

It's just it is very confusing

- and what to play.
- I know. Of course.

You see what I mean. I want
to do my best, obviously...

Yeah. I think play you know...

Hi, Stephanie.

Sorry about all of this, has
anyone told you what is going on?

Alan called.

You mean Adam, the producer.

He said they are coming.

Yeah.
Well, they are on a meeting.

Because right now the
equipments gone haywire.

You don't get this in
Open All Hours, do you?

Alan says they have always
been here. before us.

Before the studios.

We shouldn't be here.

This is their home.

Did you know that Wednesday,
Samhain the 31st of October,

the time when the line between our
world and the other world is thinned?

The old shades and the spirits
they are coming for us.

They are with us...now!

Do you want me to get
you a cup of tea, love?

Alan said they infect the cables,
and the television equipment,

the technology
makes them stronger.

Yeah, now, you are thinking of Black
Mirror, Stephanie, this is Inside No 9.

It's more dark
comedy and twists.

They don't want us here.

Right, well,
I will make your cup of tea.

We have to leave.

Just across the road
was the church of St John's,

and I actually found
a plaque in the park

which states that on
that site were buried

over 22,000 bodies
in the graveyard,

and they most definitely
stretched over here

onto the site where
Granada Studios are now.

I am not a threat.

I am here as a messenger.

All I do is carry a message.

You have to leave this site.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Can you hear me?

Fucking hell!

God, you fuck...

I could have had a hot
cup of tea in my hands.

It's good, isn't it?

Horrible.

- Found in costume.
- We should use it.

Have you seen anyone?

No, since Stephanie Cole...
she is being weird.

What do you mean?

She is saying spirits
are coming for us.

For fuck's sake.

I thought we should've
got Pam Ferris.

No, she is being used
up with Trunchbull.

Oh, no.

Steve! Steve!

Mr.Starr has been suffering
from paranoid schizophrenia,

and he believes that the
studios are being taken over

by what he called
ghosts in the machine.

Colleagues said that he
had been deeply disturbed

by witnessing paranormal
phenomena throughout the building

and recording electronic voice phenomena
with messages from beyond the grave.

This complex of buildings
is called Botany Bay.

They were bought by Granada
television four years ago

to serve as a new
studio complex.

For the last six months, they
have contained the set, wardrobes,

props, costumes, makeup departments
for The Jewel in the Crown

a lavish multi-million pound
Granada drama production

that was meant to have been
completed in April of this year.

The fire started shortly
after seven o'clock,

and within five minutes fire
brigades were on the scene.

The entire contents are gutted, but
the fire is at least under control.

Hello?
There has been an accident!

Anyone?

Hello?
There has been an accident.

I think Steve's not breathing.

Stephanie!

Oh, fuck, what is going on?

Je...

Hello?

Hello?

God.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Can you put the lights on,
please?

Anybody?

Hello?

Adam!

Adam!

John!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Are you believers in ghosts?

Do you have a kind of...
is there...

Are you very much kind of open

to believing that there is
something out there?

No. I like the idea of ghosts,
I like the idea of ghosts,

but I'm very aware that it's all,
they are not real.

Let us be.