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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:23,656 --> 00:00:25,851 Now I'd like to show you how smart he is. 2 00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,359 Let's have some fun and play Animal Quiz with Michael. 3 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:31,294 Michael. Come on, Michael. 4 00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:34,299 You see what a good trainer I am. Oh, there he comes. 5 00:00:34,401 --> 00:00:35,663 I got the wrong end. 6 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,397 Goats are distinguished by a narrow head, 7 00:00:38,505 --> 00:00:43,238 a bearded chin, in the male, a short upturned tail. 8 00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:46,506 It's been called the "poor man's cow" 9 00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:50,481 because it yields more milk for its size... 10 00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:52,107 Jesus Christ! 11 00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:54,580 God. 12 00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:57,984 It's all right. 13 00:00:58,091 --> 00:00:59,956 Ostriches are a pretty funny bird. 14 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,188 They can't fly but they like to dance. 15 00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:06,992 And they don't really bury their heads in the sand 16 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:09,364 but they do eat stones and shirts. 17 00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:11,903 Look at my dad. He was the king. 18 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:16,066 I mean, no matter what happened, I mean, he was as cool as a cucumber. 19 00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:21,842 He never forgot a line. And he never let anything ruffle him. 20 00:01:21,948 --> 00:01:24,178 My dad was the king. 21 00:01:24,284 --> 00:01:28,118 No doubt. And his TV show ruled the ratings. 22 00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:33,418 What was that? 23 00:01:36,529 --> 00:01:37,689 Excuse me. 24 00:01:37,797 --> 00:01:41,392 It was a wildlife show called Strange Wilderness. 25 00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:44,902 Yeah, you remember that? Do you remember my dad? 26 00:01:45,004 --> 00:01:46,494 Oh, cool. 27 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:49,541 Yeah, then he died and then I took over the show, 28 00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:53,942 then it all went to hell and... I mean, I'm nothing like my dad. Nothing at all. 29 00:01:55,381 --> 00:01:59,215 I don't know. I don't know if it was like I wasn't bright enough or 30 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:03,483 I didn't work hard enough or... I used to smoke a lot of dope, so... 31 00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:08,156 No, I quit. Yeah, totally. 32 00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:10,024 What happened to the show? 33 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,428 At first, it was great. 34 00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:16,024 I had a really good crew. We were doing what we loved. 35 00:02:17,504 --> 00:02:18,801 But then... 36 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:25,243 I don't know, things got a little strange. 37 00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:47,799 All right, people, we're losing light! 38 00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:52,770 We need animals on film. We need animals on film now! 39 00:02:52,872 --> 00:02:56,569 Cooker! Look, I need the slinger tripod. Break out the kreel. 40 00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:57,973 And I need a Mercury lens 41 00:02:58,077 --> 00:03:00,238 'cause I'm gonna reverse out all the glass. Got it? 42 00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:01,506 Okay. 43 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:05,383 It was a nice chat. 44 00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:08,283 - Talk to me, Milas. How we doing? - We're doing fine. 45 00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:11,255 A couple of more minutes. This damn thing's stuck again. 46 00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:15,760 Hang on, people. I am picking up an underwater bubbling sound. 47 00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:19,559 I'm not sure what it is, but, I mean, it is bubbling furiously. 48 00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:21,497 Junior, knock it off. 49 00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:23,899 All right, whatever it was, it's gone now. 50 00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:25,061 Pete? 51 00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:29,199 This is my nephew, the kid I was telling you about, you know? 52 00:03:29,309 --> 00:03:31,971 He's a little green and he sure loves his herb 53 00:03:32,078 --> 00:03:35,946 but around you guys, when in Rome, huh? 54 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,951 All right, well, hey, any nephew of Milas' is a nephew of mine. 55 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,384 Hey, welcome aboard. 56 00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:42,852 Don't! No. 57 00:03:43,623 --> 00:03:45,215 - You okay? - I'm okay. 58 00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:47,520 It's not a good time for me right now. 59 00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:50,687 So, all right. Get into frame. I think we're just about set. 60 00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:53,766 All righty. Be about right here. 61 00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:56,391 Fred, you got the stuff? Ready? 62 00:03:56,502 --> 00:03:58,402 - This is a bar napkin. - Yeah. 63 00:03:58,504 --> 00:03:59,596 This is it? 64 00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:02,937 Our entire voice-over for our show on bears is written on a cocktail napkin? 65 00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:05,943 Yeah, we wrote it last night at P.J. Mahoney's. 66 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,875 "Bears are large and brown." 67 00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:11,974 All right. Come on. 68 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,316 Not all bears are large. How about baby bears? 69 00:04:18,224 --> 00:04:21,853 "Bears derive their name from a football team in Chicago." 70 00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:26,964 No. It's the other way around. 71 00:04:27,066 --> 00:04:29,193 Jesus Christ, Fred, come on. 72 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:34,032 "It is estimated that bears kill over two million salmon a year. 73 00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:37,541 "Attacks by salmon on bears are much more rare." 74 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,342 All right, that's gotta be true, right? All right, let's go with that one. 75 00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:46,179 Let's get me standing here. And on my count. 76 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:50,916 Four, three, two, one, zero, and I'm talking now. 77 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,322 Yes, the bear is a fierce animal... 78 00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:56,122 I hear that weird bubbling sound again. 79 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:57,491 It's not bubbling. 80 00:04:57,597 --> 00:04:59,997 Junior, I said knock it off. 81 00:05:00,099 --> 00:05:05,366 Okay, ready? Keep rolling. Three, two, one, go. 82 00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:09,532 Yes, the bear is a fierce animal, much more fierce than we know. 83 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:12,873 It is estimated that bears kill over two mill... 84 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,844 We got fog rolling in, man. 85 00:05:14,947 --> 00:05:16,847 In a year. 86 00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:18,109 It's not fog. 87 00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:19,206 Milas, can you help me out here? 88 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,787 For God's sake, Junior, just set the bong down. 89 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,185 Thanks. 90 00:05:23,289 --> 00:05:26,452 All right, let's go. And three, two, one, go. 91 00:05:26,559 --> 00:05:30,620 Yes, the bear is a fierce animal, much more fierce than we know. 92 00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:36,066 It is estimated that bears kill over two million salmon a year, 93 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:40,799 although attacks by salmon on bear are much more fucking rare! 94 00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:41,874 Cut! 95 00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:46,005 Gaulke, how many times have we told you, 96 00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:48,842 you can't shoot without a permit? 97 00:05:48,948 --> 00:05:51,940 You've got a $500 fine coming. 98 00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:54,849 Now, pack up your stuff and leave the forest. 99 00:05:54,954 --> 00:05:57,616 By the way, this is fire season. 100 00:05:57,724 --> 00:06:02,024 Smokey the Bear says, "Put out the bong!" 101 00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:05,120 Okay. Okay, thank you! 102 00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:09,863 Okay, let's take it from... Let's see... 103 00:06:09,969 --> 00:06:14,633 Let's see, from, my time code says 08:40:22. 104 00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:18,734 We are cued up. Strange Wilderness, episode 21, "Bear Elegance." 105 00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:20,472 We have sound speed now. 106 00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:24,573 Three, two, one, push the button, go. 107 00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:27,018 Bears are a proud people, 108 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,715 although they're not people per se, they're animals. 109 00:06:30,823 --> 00:06:35,260 Bears derived their name from a football team in Chicago. 110 00:06:35,361 --> 00:06:37,625 Bears have been known to attack man, 111 00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,893 although the fact is that fewer people have been killed by bears 112 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:45,334 than in all of World War I and World War II combined. 113 00:06:45,438 --> 00:06:48,305 Brown bears loves fishing... 114 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,866 Brown... Brown bears bloves... 115 00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:54,173 God, why am I having so much trouble saying "brown"? 116 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,771 Maybe it's the two B's in "brown bears." Try something different. 117 00:06:56,883 --> 00:06:58,874 I got it. I'm ready. Okay. 118 00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,646 Red bears love fish. 119 00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:03,745 Pete, you're late for your meeting with Lawson down at K-PIP. 120 00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:06,586 Deb, we're in the middle of a recording session, 121 00:07:06,692 --> 00:07:09,593 so every fucking thing you say is going down on tape. 122 00:07:09,695 --> 00:07:13,096 Oh, right, like you guys ever care about that crap? 123 00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,258 Okay, stop recording. 124 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,495 Turn it... 125 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:20,697 Turn off everything. Put away, put away everything. 126 00:07:23,242 --> 00:07:26,905 Okay, everything's shut off. Now, Deb, what's so important? 127 00:07:27,013 --> 00:07:28,241 Your meeting with Lawson 128 00:07:28,347 --> 00:07:32,579 was supposed to start 20 minutes ago, you stupid asshole. 129 00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:33,709 Shit. 130 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,554 Hey, fellas, I was bombed last night at P.J. Maloney's. 131 00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:41,354 By the way, did you guys notice any sediment in that tequila? 132 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:45,261 'Cause some kind of pebble or rock or something clogged up my penis hole 133 00:07:45,364 --> 00:07:46,661 and my Johnson swelled up 134 00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:50,224 like a fucking water balloon hooked up to a tea kettle. 135 00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:54,668 Fuck you! You wanna fight? 136 00:07:54,774 --> 00:07:56,139 Here we are. Pull over. 137 00:07:56,642 --> 00:08:00,146 You guys better hustle up. You're 45 minutes late for the meeting. 138 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:00,441 You guys better hustle up. You're 45 minutes late for the meeting. 139 00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:05,974 Great. I'll tell him you called. Thank you. 140 00:08:06,085 --> 00:08:09,418 Good morning. We have an 11:00 meeting with Mr. Ed Lawson. 141 00:08:09,522 --> 00:08:10,716 Sorry we're a little late. 142 00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:12,654 Dude, Sky Pierson. 143 00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:14,157 Hey, Pierson, TJ. 144 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:16,785 Well, as I live and breathe. 145 00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:19,660 Peter Gaulke and his shadow, Fred Wolf. 146 00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:23,496 No, no, not Pete and Fred. It's more like Neil and Bob. 147 00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:25,798 Or is that just what they do? 148 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,501 Hey, so what are you guys doing here? 149 00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:33,409 We're talking to Lawson about bringing our wildlife show over here to K-PIP. 150 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,174 It's great, 'cause Lawson's in there 151 00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:37,909 jumping through hoops trying to make the deal work. 152 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:41,680 It is so much fun to have your ass royally kissed. 153 00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:43,846 Yeah, it is. 154 00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:45,184 I mean, after all, it's not your fault 155 00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:48,727 that our budget blows yours to kingdom come. 156 00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:52,559 And you must miss your father's skills, am I right? 157 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,965 Yeah. 158 00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:58,468 Yeah, actually it's... Yes, just at times when I... 159 00:08:58,571 --> 00:09:01,404 You know what, we've got to go. Later, huh? 160 00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:03,600 Seriously, good luck, dude. 161 00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,072 Awesome. 162 00:09:08,781 --> 00:09:14,083 You know, I know he was jiving us a little, but Sky Pierson's so cool. 163 00:09:14,186 --> 00:09:15,312 Oh, yeah, you kidding me? 164 00:09:15,421 --> 00:09:18,356 He is the king of wildlife show hosts, man. 165 00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:19,685 All right, come on, let's see Lawson. 166 00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:21,760 - This is it. - Germans do it. 167 00:09:21,861 --> 00:09:23,556 All right, let's cut to the chase. 168 00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,688 The ratings for Strange Wilderness 169 00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:28,028 have been dropping considerably for the past two years. 170 00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:32,901 Okay, now, when my dad had the show, you aired him at 7:00 171 00:09:33,005 --> 00:09:35,030 and we're on at 3:00 a.m. So... 172 00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:39,737 Pete, let me finish. I haven't even started yet. Okay? 173 00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:43,406 Let's take the crappy ratings aside. Throw them aside. 174 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:46,076 The network has taken so much flak 175 00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:49,052 for the perceived irresponsibility’s of your show. 176 00:09:49,155 --> 00:09:51,146 I had my assistant put together some clips. 177 00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:52,519 Oh, fun. 178 00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:57,028 Let me tell you something. I am disturbed by what I'm seeing. Okay? 179 00:09:57,129 --> 00:10:01,828 Many of these animals are... Whoa, something's about to go down here. 180 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:06,166 Oh, I can smell a good time on the horizon. Oh, that's it. 181 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:11,300 Slice me off a piece and serve it up hot. I'm next in line. 182 00:10:11,410 --> 00:10:12,604 Okay. 183 00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:16,181 That's okay, right? 184 00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:17,408 Sad. 185 00:10:17,516 --> 00:10:19,313 Okay? What about this? 186 00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,677 Hey, stick around 187 00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:26,747 because when we come back, we're gonna find us some pygmy people. 188 00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:33,021 All right, all the littering aside, 189 00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:36,431 how do you refer to the indigenous people, the natives, 190 00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:37,729 as pygmy people? 191 00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:38,929 That's just wrong! 192 00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:41,268 What? No. 193 00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:44,172 I like all people. 194 00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:46,335 It's Fred who's the racist. 195 00:10:46,445 --> 00:10:48,970 You ought to hear what he says about the Chine. 196 00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:50,673 - Right? - What? 197 00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:53,752 You are so not getting this, are you? Take a look. 198 00:10:53,853 --> 00:10:55,218 Oh, my God! 199 00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:04,460 I mean, it's... 200 00:11:04,563 --> 00:11:08,124 Luckily we caught it on tape, so that man will be honored. 201 00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:09,997 You wanted to honor the man 202 00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:14,129 by showing him being killed by an alligator on your wildlife show? 203 00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:18,101 All right, what about this? 204 00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:29,417 A guy on fire at a peace rally. 205 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,353 Did you guys ever think of putting the cameras down 206 00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:32,719 and helping the guy out? 207 00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:36,386 And what was that music playing? Some sort of Jesus music underneath? 208 00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:40,056 Was that at the rally or did you add that? What was that? 209 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,497 What about this? 210 00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:54,407 Now, what the hell is that? 211 00:11:54,513 --> 00:11:58,973 It's the African wilderness. It's natives doing a war dance. 212 00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:00,382 That's not Africa. 213 00:12:00,486 --> 00:12:03,182 Right, well, not totally. 214 00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:07,555 See, a lot of the women of the bush, 215 00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:09,958 they're not really that good-looking. 216 00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:13,828 So, we got these girls instead. They're from Long Beach. 217 00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,992 Stop talking. Please. 218 00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:17,194 You know, ever since your dad died, 219 00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:19,635 the quality of the show has gone straight downhill. 220 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,730 And now with the ratings in the toilet, 221 00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:24,639 there's no reason to keep the show on the air. None. 222 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,042 Unless something big happens. I have no idea. 223 00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:30,343 Okay, wait. Now, something big. Now, what do you mean by "big"? 224 00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:33,976 Well, why are we even discussing it? Nothing big is going to happen. 225 00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:35,553 The show sucks. 226 00:12:35,654 --> 00:12:38,452 And I am officially, right now, telling you 227 00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:40,889 that two weeks from now the show is cancelled. 228 00:12:40,993 --> 00:12:43,962 I've given you notice. Thanks for coming in. 229 00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:47,458 All right. 230 00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:50,899 Think. We gotta think. Okay, we're not cancelled yet. 231 00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,903 Cooker, go get us a few quarts of coffee. 232 00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:54,165 This is gonna be a long night. 233 00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:58,369 Now, may I interject for a second and say no, politely. 234 00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:01,344 What I'm trying to say is that you drank coffee yesterday. 235 00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,347 You're gonna drink coffee tomorrow. 236 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:06,941 The point is that I'm not some great white stallion 237 00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:09,646 sprinting from shantytown to shantytown, 238 00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:14,124 crushing up java beans just to bring them around to my friends. 239 00:13:14,226 --> 00:13:15,193 Come on, we gotta think. 240 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:18,957 We gotta come up with some big idea that's gonna keep us on the air. 241 00:13:19,064 --> 00:13:21,464 Now, come on. Hey, Junior, how 'bout you, fresh blood? 242 00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,228 You got any ideas? 243 00:13:24,336 --> 00:13:25,303 Yoo-hoo. 244 00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:26,732 Hey. 245 00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:29,805 - Hey. Hey. - Shut up. 246 00:13:32,244 --> 00:13:33,939 What? Sorry. 247 00:13:34,046 --> 00:13:35,911 Dude, what is on your eyes? 248 00:13:36,015 --> 00:13:41,078 Oh, man. Oh, yeah, this is so weird. 249 00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:43,849 It like looks like I have eyeballs or whatever. 250 00:13:43,956 --> 00:13:47,983 I smoked some weed the other... Oh, shit, wait, hold on. 251 00:13:48,093 --> 00:13:51,085 I smoked some weed the other night and I think the shit was laced, 252 00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:55,600 because I went out right away and got these tattoos on my eyelids 253 00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,100 to make it look like when I was sleeping 254 00:13:57,203 --> 00:13:59,694 that people would think that I was awake. 255 00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:01,773 Pete, you know what might drive up the ratings? 256 00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:03,307 What about a celebrity host? 257 00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:04,967 Yeah. That would be great. 258 00:14:05,077 --> 00:14:07,637 We could get someone really cool, like Jack Nicholson. 259 00:14:07,746 --> 00:14:10,408 Oh, yeah. I know where he lives up in the Hollywood Hills. 260 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,882 I know some guys who used to dump over his garbage cans, 261 00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:14,646 like in a jealous rage. 262 00:14:14,753 --> 00:14:16,084 You remember Fat Johnny? 263 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,122 - Powers. - Yeah, you know Powers. 264 00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:22,160 - Yeah. He's a great guy. - They used to shower together and shit. 265 00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:24,889 Well, not shower, but they were friends with benefits. 266 00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:27,830 - No. - And they spent... 267 00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:28,991 Hey, how about... 268 00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:32,502 Goddamn, I know one thing. That fat bastard can eat, man. 269 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:36,041 Fuck, yeah. I saw him eat a cat once. It was crazy. 270 00:14:36,141 --> 00:14:39,508 I mean, this poor cat didn't know what was happening. 271 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,515 Or maybe it was a lobster he ate. 272 00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:44,981 - Pete. - What? 273 00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:46,676 Bill Calhoun stopped by to see you. 274 00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:48,685 Oh, great. Tell him I'll be right there. 275 00:14:48,787 --> 00:14:51,950 All right, this is good. Come on, let's keep it up. Keep thinking. 276 00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:54,389 Who the fuck is Jack Nocknuhson? 277 00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,629 Hey, Bill. 278 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:03,224 - Oh, Pete. How you doing? - Hey. 279 00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:05,098 - Caught you reminiscing, huh? - Yeah. Yeah. 280 00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:07,434 I can't believe how young I look in that photo. 281 00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:10,030 - Yeah, what is that? 15, 20 years? - A lot more than that. 282 00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:12,702 Let me tell you something, Pete. Time flies. 283 00:15:12,811 --> 00:15:15,712 Yeah. So, what brings you down from the mountain, Bill? 284 00:15:15,814 --> 00:15:17,042 Business. 285 00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:19,314 That's Bigfoot. 286 00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:22,383 - Oh, my God. - Yeah. 287 00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,421 Where did you get these? 288 00:15:26,525 --> 00:15:29,426 Ecuador. And I know where he's hiding. I got the map up at my cabin. 289 00:15:29,528 --> 00:15:30,961 This is great! 290 00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:33,793 Okay, we're gonna go to your cabin, get the map, we'll go find Bigfoot. 291 00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:35,867 You just saved Strange Wilderness, Bill. 292 00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:37,299 Not quite so fast on that. 293 00:15:37,403 --> 00:15:40,566 Pete, you know I loved your daddy like a brother, 294 00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:44,302 but Pierson is willing to give me $1,000 for the map. 295 00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,503 - $1,000? - Look, I need the money. 296 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,580 Oh, Bill! 297 00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:51,548 You can't sell the map to Pierson. 298 00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:56,246 I don't know where I'm gonna find $1,000. Jeez! What if... 299 00:15:57,523 --> 00:16:00,549 Hey, wait. I got something better than $1,000. 300 00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:02,319 Yeah. 301 00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:05,420 I'll give you a piece of my show! 302 00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:08,625 Well, no, no. No, no, no. I need the money kind of fast. 303 00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:09,792 It's all about net points. 304 00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,392 - You're gonna make a fortune. Yeah. - Net? 305 00:16:11,503 --> 00:16:15,303 Look, 10% gets the per diem backend accrued cost... 306 00:16:15,407 --> 00:16:18,706 Let's see, times the employee overhead at 525, 307 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,279 plus my finder's fee... 308 00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:23,007 Pete, isn't that the TV remote? 309 00:16:23,115 --> 00:16:24,582 Bill, don't change the subject! 310 00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:29,211 The point is you're gonna get 10%, which comes out to be a fortune! 311 00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:32,313 Look, I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't strapped for cash! 312 00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:35,757 I gotta have 1,000 bucks, or I gotta go to Pierson. 313 00:16:39,531 --> 00:16:42,659 All right. All right. I'll get the money. 314 00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:45,168 I'll have it in a week. I'll see you at your cabin by the 15th. 315 00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:46,965 - By God, you got a deal. - All right. 316 00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:49,973 I'm glad this is going to you and not that Pierson. 317 00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:54,775 - Damn. These are great. - Yeah. 318 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,077 - And Bill knows where this is? - Yeah, South America. 319 00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:02,517 This is exactly what we needed. Okay? This is gonna be the biggest show ever. 320 00:17:02,621 --> 00:17:03,918 Here's the plan. 321 00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:06,583 Okay, we're gonna shoot five wildlife shows on the way down. 322 00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:11,026 Then we're gonna pay it off with the first ever footage of the legendary Bigfoot. 323 00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:14,793 Pete, I think you just saved the show, you son-of-a-gun. 324 00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:17,460 Your dad'd be proud of you, boy. 325 00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:20,402 Yeah, but doggone it, I don't think I'm gonna make the big run, fellas. 326 00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:22,098 - I just can't. - What? 327 00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:24,869 But numb nuts here'll run your camera for you. 328 00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:28,708 - I understand. We're gonna miss you. - I'll miss you, too. 329 00:17:28,814 --> 00:17:32,511 Now, listen, what about that $1,000 that Bill wants for these? 330 00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:35,109 All right. I need everyone to go home, 331 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,381 scrape up as much cash as you can find, all right? 332 00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:39,957 Think of this as an investment in your future. 333 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,459 If this works, we all work. 334 00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,428 And, people, this is gonna work. 335 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,059 Hey, Debbie! 336 00:17:51,170 --> 00:17:52,330 Debbie! 337 00:17:52,438 --> 00:17:56,465 I need you to set up interviews for an animal handler, stat! 338 00:17:57,342 --> 00:18:01,335 And for the last seven years, I've worked at an auto body shop, 339 00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:05,781 so I don't really have any experience in your field, per se. 340 00:18:05,884 --> 00:18:08,512 Never really handled animals before. 341 00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:10,713 But I have handled other things and... 342 00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:13,724 I don't know, I just really need a job, so... 343 00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,088 Can we think about it? 344 00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:19,631 Yeah. And not very hard? You really needing a job is depressing. 345 00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:23,531 You smell of desperation. I mean, who wants to be around that? 346 00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:28,072 Well, I wouldn't smell like desperation if I had the job, right? 347 00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:31,472 Well, if you want, we could hire you, fire you, 348 00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:33,101 push you into a mud puddle, 349 00:18:33,212 --> 00:18:37,012 and then you can keep this whole sad sack train chugging along. 350 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,084 Jesus, man, a month on the road with this guy, 351 00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:41,709 I'd shove an exhaust pipe through my fucking heart. 352 00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:44,118 Yeah, why don't you go make a blues album? 353 00:18:44,223 --> 00:18:47,215 Yeah, you could call it "I'm a Poor, Little Sad Sack." 354 00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:48,917 No job. 355 00:18:49,027 --> 00:18:51,587 Next! Debbie! 356 00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:54,131 I don't want the job. Thank you, but no thanks. 357 00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:56,133 Next applicant! 358 00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:57,429 No, thank you. 359 00:18:57,536 --> 00:18:59,697 Maybe you can offer the job to a crazy person. 360 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:00,863 You'll have better luck. 361 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,770 Next! 362 00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:04,809 You guys are out of your fucking minds. 363 00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:08,471 Yeah. Yeah. Run back to junior high. It'll be great. 364 00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:10,946 Debbie! Debbie! 365 00:19:11,049 --> 00:19:12,482 You're off-the-chart nuts! 366 00:19:12,584 --> 00:19:13,551 Next! 367 00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:14,880 - You're insane! - Next! 368 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,978 - And rude! - Debbie! 369 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:22,721 - Debbie! - Next! 370 00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:27,125 Well, welcome aboard, Whitaker. We're gonna have a great trip. 371 00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:29,427 Thanks for hiring me, guys. I really appreciate it. 372 00:19:29,535 --> 00:19:32,333 I just want you to know I'm gonna apply myself and do the best I can 373 00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:34,598 to be the best animal handler you guys have ever had. 374 00:19:34,706 --> 00:19:37,869 I know I don't know a lot about animals, but I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna read. 375 00:19:37,976 --> 00:19:40,843 I feel like I got a handle on, you know, what the best way to be an animal, so... 376 00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:42,573 - Good job. - Keep it up. 377 00:19:43,949 --> 00:19:45,849 Okay, take care now. 378 00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:49,079 Well, hello. So, Cheryl, I'm sure this... 379 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,487 Glad you could join us. This is Cheryl, Fred. 380 00:19:52,591 --> 00:19:56,049 - Hi. How are you? - Cheryl's friends with cousin Bob. 381 00:19:56,161 --> 00:19:57,628 Travel agent. 382 00:19:57,729 --> 00:19:59,492 Yeah. She's gonna... 383 00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:03,227 I'm sorry, Bob did not tell me that you were so damn... 384 00:20:05,003 --> 00:20:06,129 Sorry? 385 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,400 Nothing. 386 00:20:09,575 --> 00:20:10,735 Okay. 387 00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:16,273 Okay, the plan is, all right, is to head towards the coast through the Mojave 388 00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:19,316 and then we'll just make a quick detour to the Tribily Mountains 389 00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:21,978 to Bill Calhoun's cabin, grab the map and cross the border. 390 00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:23,850 Great. Good job, Cheryl. 391 00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:26,584 Gotta go. Keep on keeping on. 392 00:20:26,692 --> 00:20:30,059 - Oh, yeah. - Okay. 393 00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:32,096 You know, she seems nice. I really like her. 394 00:20:32,197 --> 00:20:36,429 Oh, man, halfway through this trip, she'll fall for me. 395 00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:38,935 - I'll be laying some serious pipe. - Oh, yeah. 396 00:20:39,037 --> 00:20:40,368 - Hi, what's up? - Hey! 397 00:20:40,472 --> 00:20:43,100 I just felt like I should assure you, you know, I get it. 398 00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:45,699 I mean, you guys have been together for a really, really long time. 399 00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:47,005 You're about to go out into the wilderness. 400 00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:49,205 I mean, the last thing you need is a woman in your midst 401 00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:51,714 to short-circuit the whole process. 402 00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:53,148 Debbie the downer, right? 403 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:56,278 "Oh, no, can't talk amongst ourselves. Here she comes," you know? 404 00:20:56,388 --> 00:20:58,219 I'm not gonna bring that to the table, okay? 405 00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:01,417 Like the whole "laying pipe" thing? It's funny. It really is funny. 406 00:21:01,526 --> 00:21:03,016 You know, I get it. I know how that works. 407 00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:04,618 You make an announcement like that, 408 00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:06,891 all your friends laugh, they think you're into girls 409 00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:08,466 and you make it through another day. 410 00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:12,003 But look, I mean, if you wanna fight the fight and keep on keeping on, 411 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:16,541 like the gay kids like to say, well, that's your own prerogative. 412 00:21:16,642 --> 00:21:19,975 Sorry, I think it's the... Yep, it's the liaison from Mexico. 413 00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:27,415 What just happened? 414 00:21:27,519 --> 00:21:29,612 Shit, I don't know. 415 00:21:29,721 --> 00:21:33,589 I'm no longer so sure about that laying the pipe thing, though. 416 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:39,124 Cooker, I thought I told you to put this stuff in the RV. 417 00:21:39,231 --> 00:21:42,029 Oh, man, it's already in there. 418 00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:45,433 I'm looking right at it! It's not in the RV! 419 00:21:45,537 --> 00:21:47,869 - Oh, this stuff? - Yeah. 420 00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:50,601 Oh, no, yeah, this stuff's not in the RV yet. 421 00:21:52,511 --> 00:21:55,002 God damn it. Five minutes to get from the... 422 00:21:55,113 --> 00:21:58,207 I got 10 more feet to get in the RV, anybody else wanna say something? 423 00:21:58,317 --> 00:21:59,784 All right, yeah, hey... 424 00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:03,753 - I'm sorry. Sorry. Hi. - Sorry. Hi. 425 00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:04,913 I forgot what I was gonna say. 426 00:22:05,023 --> 00:22:06,251 - Me too, then. Okay. - Okay. 427 00:22:06,358 --> 00:22:09,953 Pete. This oil looks a little thick. Maybe I should add some water. 428 00:22:10,962 --> 00:22:12,156 Sure. 429 00:22:13,598 --> 00:22:14,758 Okay. 430 00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:17,495 Locked and loaded. Over and out. Let's go. 431 00:22:17,602 --> 00:22:18,728 Shit. 432 00:23:19,498 --> 00:23:23,127 Have you guys ever tried to poop and brush your teeth at the same time? 433 00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:24,896 - It's fucking hard. - Nice. 434 00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:32,866 If you're my stepmom Phyllis, then fuck you 435 00:23:34,780 --> 00:23:37,442 If you're my new brothers and sisters 436 00:23:37,549 --> 00:23:42,646 Dakota and Breckenridge, then fuck you, too 437 00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:44,847 Listen up, world 438 00:23:46,191 --> 00:23:51,094 Hey, Dad, why'd you marry that ho? 439 00:23:51,196 --> 00:23:53,960 Hey, three-letter word for "man." 440 00:23:55,967 --> 00:23:57,195 Dude. 441 00:23:57,302 --> 00:24:00,271 That's four letters. Dud. Dud, maybe. 442 00:24:01,373 --> 00:24:04,774 By the way, isn't that like your fourth beer this morning? 443 00:24:04,876 --> 00:24:07,845 What? It's just a cordial. 444 00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:10,278 - Bottle snack. - God. 445 00:24:10,816 --> 00:24:15,150 Don't tell me to turn my music down 446 00:24:17,756 --> 00:24:19,587 Because there's tons of different opinions 447 00:24:19,691 --> 00:24:24,492 On what the volume of music that should be played in your house is 448 00:24:26,231 --> 00:24:31,134 Plus, we all know Phyllis has super-fucking-sensitive hearing 449 00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:39,566 I don't think it's right for her to tell me to turn off my fucking music 450 00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:44,112 Hey, look, everybody, sea lions! 451 00:24:47,419 --> 00:24:49,387 All right, let's hustle down there and shoot some of this. 452 00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:52,116 This should be a perfect show on our way to Bigfoot country. 453 00:24:52,224 --> 00:24:53,714 Hey, Danny, get your seal... 454 00:24:53,825 --> 00:24:56,419 Yo, yo, I'm way ahead of you morons. 455 00:24:56,528 --> 00:24:58,519 I'm gonna sneak up on these fucking bad boys 456 00:24:58,630 --> 00:25:01,224 and get you guys angles that'll blow you away. 457 00:25:15,914 --> 00:25:17,779 Okay, great. Let's go. 458 00:25:20,552 --> 00:25:24,113 En route to Bill Calhoun's cabin, we had time to meet up 459 00:25:24,222 --> 00:25:29,558 with some of nature's most awesome creatures, Mr. Sea Lion. 460 00:25:29,661 --> 00:25:32,994 No matter how many sea lions are eaten each year by sharks, 461 00:25:33,098 --> 00:25:35,862 it never seems like enough. 462 00:25:35,967 --> 00:25:37,696 When a shark appears in the area, 463 00:25:37,802 --> 00:25:40,464 sea lions will leave the water immediately. 464 00:25:40,572 --> 00:25:43,666 Luckily, there are no tigers on shore waiting for him, 465 00:25:43,775 --> 00:25:46,243 or he wouldn't know what the fuck to do. 466 00:25:46,344 --> 00:25:48,904 A sea lion's main diet is fish, 467 00:25:49,014 --> 00:25:51,539 of which there are many different species. 468 00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:53,811 Here we see the puffer fish. 469 00:25:53,919 --> 00:25:59,516 Our best guess is that this fish inflates by sucking its balls into its stomach. 470 00:25:59,624 --> 00:26:01,785 This odd-looking fish is called a squiggly. 471 00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:03,554 Wait, dude, can I just talk? Can I just say one thing? 472 00:26:03,662 --> 00:26:05,323 Dude, give me the fucking... 473 00:26:05,430 --> 00:26:06,920 - Please, please. Really. - Give me the fucking microphone. 474 00:26:07,032 --> 00:26:09,330 - Why is that pink thong running so fast? - God. 475 00:26:09,434 --> 00:26:10,401 Sorry. 476 00:26:10,502 --> 00:26:13,630 Dude, this is a show about sea lions, God damn it. 477 00:26:13,738 --> 00:26:16,263 But to get closer to these remarkable creatures, 478 00:26:16,374 --> 00:26:19,901 we put our driver, Danny Gutierrez, in a sea lion costume. 479 00:26:20,011 --> 00:26:24,744 Unfortunately, after only a few seconds, Danny was attacked by a shark. 480 00:26:24,849 --> 00:26:28,808 Oh, fuck! Oh, no, no, no! Leave him alone! 481 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:34,187 No, get off him, he's my friend! Please stop it! 482 00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:41,760 Wow. I'm just blown away by how violent that was. 483 00:26:41,866 --> 00:26:46,326 Those razor-sharp teeth were as sharp as razors. 484 00:26:47,806 --> 00:26:50,366 It was just so gruesome, you know? 485 00:26:50,475 --> 00:26:54,969 All the thrashing and all the blood... 486 00:26:56,348 --> 00:26:57,542 It's okay. It's okay. 487 00:26:57,649 --> 00:27:00,584 Yeah. No, he's... It's gonna be okay. 488 00:27:00,685 --> 00:27:04,815 I mean, these things happen. I mean, not all the time, but still. 489 00:27:04,923 --> 00:27:06,151 Cheryl, 490 00:27:07,158 --> 00:27:08,887 just thank you for being my friend. 491 00:27:08,994 --> 00:27:10,222 Thanks. 492 00:27:13,264 --> 00:27:15,425 You are such an asshole! 493 00:27:15,533 --> 00:27:19,765 Oh, shit, two funny things at once. 494 00:27:19,871 --> 00:27:22,066 I was trying to help you feel better. 495 00:27:22,173 --> 00:27:24,869 Then you hit me in the head. Now there's a bump on my head. 496 00:27:24,976 --> 00:27:26,876 It looks like a dinosaur egg. 497 00:27:26,978 --> 00:27:29,003 If that dinosaur hatches, 498 00:27:29,114 --> 00:27:32,379 people are gonna think I'm some sort of prehistoric gentleman bird. 499 00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:34,247 And how the fuck do you think that makes me... 500 00:27:34,352 --> 00:27:37,321 It's fine. It's fine. I'll get over it. 501 00:27:37,422 --> 00:27:39,754 Hey, guys, look at that bug over there. 502 00:27:41,426 --> 00:27:43,087 Oh, yeah. 503 00:27:43,194 --> 00:27:45,856 Hey, break out the equipment. 504 00:27:45,964 --> 00:27:49,866 As long as we're here we might as well roll some footage, right? Come on. 505 00:27:49,968 --> 00:27:52,436 Junior, get over here. 506 00:27:52,537 --> 00:27:55,472 Look at this. This is great. Get in here, right now. 507 00:27:55,573 --> 00:27:59,475 Get that right there. Wait, I got a noise. Hold on. 508 00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:02,643 Go ahead. 509 00:28:05,316 --> 00:28:06,749 Excuse me! 510 00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:09,615 Gentlemen, hi. We're trying to do a shoot here 511 00:28:09,721 --> 00:28:12,781 and we were just wondering if you could maybe stop honking the horn 512 00:28:12,891 --> 00:28:14,449 until we're finished? 513 00:28:14,559 --> 00:28:17,824 No speak de inglés, buey. I need $100, por favor. 514 00:28:17,929 --> 00:28:20,454 - Are you trying to blackmail us? - Hey, you know. 515 00:28:20,565 --> 00:28:22,157 Hola, cómo estás? How are you? 516 00:28:24,836 --> 00:28:26,963 I'll stop honking for $100, okay? 517 00:28:27,072 --> 00:28:30,633 Let me handle this. I speak the language of their people. 518 00:28:38,983 --> 00:28:40,814 Is time 519 00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:47,415 to stop de horn from honking, 520 00:28:47,525 --> 00:28:48,753 please? 521 00:28:55,934 --> 00:28:58,232 Let me try a different approach. 522 00:28:59,704 --> 00:29:03,504 No, no, no, no! Slow it down, brother. Let's talk this out. 523 00:29:03,608 --> 00:29:04,836 I ain't gonna talk, homes. I'm gonna punch! 524 00:29:04,943 --> 00:29:06,240 No, you don't wanna do that, 525 00:29:06,344 --> 00:29:08,335 'cause that's gonna cause some serious trouble, brother. 526 00:29:08,446 --> 00:29:10,038 For who, you Super Mario-looking motherfucker? 527 00:29:10,148 --> 00:29:12,673 Actually, it's gonna cause some trouble for you and let me explain why. 528 00:29:12,784 --> 00:29:15,309 - 'Cause see, you're a big, powerful man. - That's true, homes. 529 00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:18,287 Actually, you're so powerful, and he's such a pussy, 530 00:29:18,389 --> 00:29:20,118 your punch is probably gonna kill him. 531 00:29:20,225 --> 00:29:22,693 And then what? They're gonna fry you, homes. 532 00:29:22,794 --> 00:29:26,389 All right. Well, what about the scratch he put on my front hood? 533 00:29:26,498 --> 00:29:28,398 I didn't go near your front hood, man. 534 00:29:28,500 --> 00:29:30,900 Yeah, you did, homes. It's right there. Take a look, pussy. 535 00:29:31,002 --> 00:29:33,197 - Yeah, look at it, pussy! - Fuck you, Fred! 536 00:29:33,304 --> 00:29:34,271 Hey, you too, homes. 537 00:29:34,372 --> 00:29:37,034 Take a look. Lean closer, both of you. Look, closer. You see it? 538 00:29:37,142 --> 00:29:38,837 I don't see any scratch. 539 00:29:40,979 --> 00:29:43,379 You just got knocked the fuck out! 540 00:29:49,087 --> 00:29:50,816 Oh, my God. 541 00:29:50,922 --> 00:29:55,621 Hello. We would like to see a dentist, please. 542 00:29:55,727 --> 00:29:59,561 Well, have a seat, and the dentist will be able to see you in about an hour. 543 00:29:59,664 --> 00:30:03,191 I'm sorry. Did you just say, "Have a seat, 544 00:30:03,301 --> 00:30:06,464 "and the dentist will be able to see you in about an hour"? 545 00:30:06,571 --> 00:30:10,974 There are a couple of people in front of you. Would you like a magazine? 546 00:30:11,075 --> 00:30:13,009 I'll take a Batman magazine. 547 00:30:13,111 --> 00:30:18,139 Dude, that's a comic book. She said "magazine." 548 00:30:18,249 --> 00:30:22,015 I'm sorry about that. I'll have a Penthouse? 549 00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:24,748 We don't have Penthouse magazine, sir. 550 00:30:29,427 --> 00:30:31,520 I guess we'll wait. 551 00:30:38,369 --> 00:30:40,735 - Fred? - Yeah? 552 00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:42,739 - Go color. - All right. 553 00:30:45,643 --> 00:30:48,339 No magazines. 554 00:30:48,446 --> 00:30:50,277 A whole hour to kill. 555 00:30:51,883 --> 00:30:54,078 Hello there. 556 00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:57,652 Oh, you've got to be kidding me. 557 00:31:00,425 --> 00:31:02,950 All right, everybody, listen up. 558 00:31:03,061 --> 00:31:05,552 We're flat busted. We're broke. 559 00:31:08,733 --> 00:31:11,930 Two days on the road and we're already fucked. 560 00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:15,335 Hey, guys! Check this shit out. 561 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,807 Boosted some nitrous from the dentist's office. It was so awesome. 562 00:31:18,910 --> 00:31:21,105 I just, like, grabbed it and they were like, "What are you doing?" 563 00:31:21,212 --> 00:31:25,308 And I go, "It's cool, man. I'm a dentist, I need to use this shit." 564 00:31:25,416 --> 00:31:27,247 Do you know what this shit is worth on the street, man? 565 00:31:27,352 --> 00:31:29,582 This is like $1,000. 566 00:31:29,687 --> 00:31:31,120 - Oh, my God. - Yeah, I know. 567 00:31:31,222 --> 00:31:34,589 You've got to put that back, okay? Fuck! 568 00:31:34,692 --> 00:31:38,389 We cannot afford to get busted stealing nitrous. 569 00:31:38,496 --> 00:31:42,455 Okay. So most of us think that we should keep the nitrous, 570 00:31:42,567 --> 00:31:46,230 sell it so we can finance the entire trip, save Strange Wilderness. 571 00:31:46,337 --> 00:31:49,864 And deep down inside so does Cheryl, so it's unanimous. 572 00:31:49,974 --> 00:31:52,067 Let's do it! This is gonna work out! 573 00:31:52,176 --> 00:31:54,041 - Thank you, Cheryl! - All right! 574 00:32:13,398 --> 00:32:16,026 Are you guys feeling kind of weird? 575 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,704 All right! How are we feeling? 576 00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:48,257 Oh, my head hurts so bad. 577 00:32:48,366 --> 00:32:51,460 - This nitrous thing's empty. - It is? 578 00:32:51,569 --> 00:32:54,163 Well, there goes that thousand dollars we were gonna make. 579 00:32:54,272 --> 00:32:55,864 We're broke! 580 00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:07,383 Yeah, this is it. Bill's place. 581 00:33:18,029 --> 00:33:21,362 Where in the hell have you guys been? You're three days late. 582 00:33:22,467 --> 00:33:24,025 Wipe your feet. 583 00:33:27,338 --> 00:33:31,741 Whoa, Bill. Going a little nuts up here? 584 00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:33,674 Somebody's ready for Armageddon. 585 00:33:33,778 --> 00:33:36,076 Look, I tried calling you guys. 586 00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:39,206 - I sold the map. - What? You sold it? 587 00:33:39,317 --> 00:33:41,148 Well, I had to, to Pierson. 588 00:33:41,252 --> 00:33:42,276 - Pierson? - Pierson? 589 00:33:42,387 --> 00:33:43,513 Oh, my God. 590 00:33:43,621 --> 00:33:46,613 - Why'd you do it? We had a deal! - You're three days late. 591 00:33:46,724 --> 00:33:48,521 I didn't think you were coming. You didn't call. 592 00:33:48,626 --> 00:33:51,060 And like I told you back in the office, I needed the money. 593 00:33:51,162 --> 00:33:53,596 Wait, so, he's halfway to finding Bigfoot by now. 594 00:33:53,698 --> 00:33:56,792 - Yeah. - Great! I can't believe it. 595 00:33:56,901 --> 00:33:59,165 Bill, what did you need the money so bad for? 596 00:33:59,270 --> 00:34:02,728 Lithium and Darvon, Pete. Depression eats at me day and night. 597 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:06,105 I live in a world of paranoia, as you can tell. 598 00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:07,768 I'm sorry, Pete. 599 00:34:08,980 --> 00:34:11,141 It's okay, Bill. It's okay. 600 00:34:12,483 --> 00:34:14,508 Hey, wait a minute. 601 00:34:14,619 --> 00:34:16,678 Hold on a second. 602 00:34:16,788 --> 00:34:20,053 I think I know a way to make my paranoia pay off for you guys. 603 00:34:20,158 --> 00:34:23,491 Go out and change clothes and come back and I got something to show you. 604 00:34:23,594 --> 00:34:27,530 - Okay. - Yeah, this is gonna work out, I hope. 605 00:34:27,632 --> 00:34:30,624 All right, here's the deal. I sold Pierson the map, fair and square, right? 606 00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:33,067 He's got a three-day head start, he's got no complaints. 607 00:34:33,171 --> 00:34:36,663 So nobody can say I can't give you guys a copy of the map, now is there? 608 00:34:36,774 --> 00:34:38,537 I'm gonna find you one. 609 00:34:38,643 --> 00:34:41,544 See, at one point or another during the day they were walking around here, 610 00:34:41,646 --> 00:34:43,671 reading the map under these security cameras. 611 00:34:43,781 --> 00:34:46,750 Now all I gotta do is find it and zoom in on it. 612 00:34:46,851 --> 00:34:48,978 - Hey, did you see that? - What? 613 00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:51,920 That's just me saying goodbye to the wife 'fore I went out hunting. 614 00:34:52,023 --> 00:34:54,082 - Back that up. - Okay. 615 00:35:01,032 --> 00:35:03,193 What the hell's she doing? 616 00:35:03,301 --> 00:35:08,466 Hey, that's Pierson, and he's going into my bedroom. 617 00:35:10,141 --> 00:35:11,472 God. 618 00:35:13,211 --> 00:35:15,873 Oh, work it. 619 00:35:15,980 --> 00:35:19,245 Oh, slice me off a piece of that. I got a sweet tooth. 620 00:35:19,350 --> 00:35:23,946 Oh, my God. I'll ask for second helpings on that and still lick the plate... 621 00:35:25,089 --> 00:35:27,489 Pierson is an asshole! 622 00:35:27,592 --> 00:35:29,992 All right, all bets are off. I'm gonna find you that map, 623 00:35:30,094 --> 00:35:33,461 and you're gonna find Bigfoot before that degenerate pervert bastard does. 624 00:35:33,564 --> 00:35:35,691 - Yeah, we are. - Come on, come on. 625 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:39,201 Walk to the camera like a good little puppet now. All right, now. 626 00:35:39,303 --> 00:35:41,498 Going to camera three. 627 00:35:41,606 --> 00:35:45,702 There it is. There it is. Now all I gotta do is zoom in on it and... 628 00:35:45,810 --> 00:35:46,834 Bingo! 629 00:35:46,944 --> 00:35:49,037 Pierson may have the map and a three-days' head start, 630 00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:50,512 but that won't be enough. 631 00:35:50,615 --> 00:35:51,673 Thanks. 632 00:35:51,782 --> 00:35:55,445 Because now you have the map and I'm gonna give you a little something extra. 633 00:35:55,553 --> 00:35:57,578 His name is Gus Hayden. 634 00:35:57,688 --> 00:36:00,748 You are shitting me. You know Bigfoot's name? 635 00:36:00,858 --> 00:36:05,522 No, no, Pete. This tracker, his name is Gus Hayden. 636 00:36:05,630 --> 00:36:07,257 Now, Gus and I were in Vietnam together. 637 00:36:07,365 --> 00:36:10,698 He is the best that ever lived. He's practically supernatural. 638 00:36:10,801 --> 00:36:13,463 Now, if anybody can help you find Bigfoot before these assholes, 639 00:36:13,571 --> 00:36:15,368 it's Gus Hayden. 640 00:36:15,473 --> 00:36:20,467 Now, he normally charges 3,000 bucks but I'm gonna get him to do it for 500. 641 00:36:20,578 --> 00:36:22,011 500. 642 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:25,105 We're at 643 00:36:27,451 --> 00:36:29,646 - 14 bucks. - What? 644 00:36:29,754 --> 00:36:32,814 It's a long story, but, yeah, we're broke, Bill. 645 00:36:32,924 --> 00:36:35,392 Well, so am I or I'd loan you the money. 646 00:36:35,493 --> 00:36:38,485 'Cause now you not only gotta find Bigfoot to save your show, 647 00:36:38,596 --> 00:36:41,565 you gotta find Bigfoot to screw over Pierson. 648 00:36:41,666 --> 00:36:43,224 I don't know how you gonna raise that cash 649 00:36:43,334 --> 00:36:45,097 but you gotta promise me one thing. 650 00:36:45,203 --> 00:36:49,333 When you catch up to Pierson, you give him a shot square in the face for me. 651 00:36:50,608 --> 00:36:54,544 Shit, man. We can't raise 500 bucks. 652 00:36:54,645 --> 00:36:56,442 Sounds like we're screwed. 653 00:36:56,547 --> 00:36:59,038 That's great. Trip's over before it even began. 654 00:36:59,150 --> 00:37:02,119 Hey, Pete, I got some great beaver footage. 655 00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:04,916 - That's great. I gotta go take a leak. - Yeah. 656 00:37:05,022 --> 00:37:08,617 Look, we'll go into town and, I don't know, do something. 657 00:37:10,328 --> 00:37:11,761 Why, what's going on? 658 00:37:11,862 --> 00:37:13,386 Money problems. 659 00:37:28,813 --> 00:37:32,943 Hi there, little guys. I didn't see you there. 660 00:37:34,218 --> 00:37:36,345 Almost got you, huh? 661 00:37:36,454 --> 00:37:38,854 Hey, where's mama turkey? 662 00:37:38,956 --> 00:37:40,446 Oh, my God! 663 00:37:43,361 --> 00:37:48,594 What's the turkey doing? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 664 00:37:49,300 --> 00:37:50,665 Oh, my God! 665 00:37:53,337 --> 00:37:54,895 Oh, my God! 666 00:37:55,006 --> 00:37:56,303 Oh, my God! 667 00:37:56,407 --> 00:37:57,874 Look out! 668 00:38:02,079 --> 00:38:03,740 It's surprising, really. 669 00:38:03,848 --> 00:38:06,942 Now, its gag reflexes should have kicked in by now. 670 00:38:07,051 --> 00:38:09,713 Nurse, I want you to massage the neck of the turkey 671 00:38:09,820 --> 00:38:12,118 and let's see if we can relax this little fella. 672 00:38:12,223 --> 00:38:14,282 - Yes, Doctor. - Junior, turn off the camera. 673 00:38:14,392 --> 00:38:16,986 - Okay, I'll get another angle. - Now relax. Just relax. 674 00:38:17,094 --> 00:38:20,757 Oh, nice. You got mad, good medical skills. 675 00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:25,663 Relax, Mr. Turkey. Relax. Relax. 676 00:38:25,770 --> 00:38:27,829 Walk up the beak. 677 00:38:27,938 --> 00:38:30,270 I spit in my hand when I do that. 678 00:38:30,374 --> 00:38:34,174 Oh, Christ. You've got to be kidding me. 679 00:38:34,278 --> 00:38:37,475 Doctor, he has an erection. 680 00:38:37,581 --> 00:38:40,448 You need to stifle your sexual response. 681 00:38:40,551 --> 00:38:43,179 You're only tightening yourself inside its neck. 682 00:38:43,287 --> 00:38:45,152 Doc, the nurse is fucking hot. 683 00:38:46,190 --> 00:38:48,215 Can somebody else do me, please? Fred? 684 00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:49,884 Fuck that, dude. 685 00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:51,689 - Whitaker? - Whitaker, what? 686 00:38:51,796 --> 00:38:53,559 What? You're the animal handler, man. 687 00:38:53,664 --> 00:38:56,633 Bullshit, I was a car mechanic last week, man. 688 00:38:56,734 --> 00:38:58,998 Now, if you want me to change the spark plugs on the RV, I'll do that, 689 00:38:59,103 --> 00:39:00,127 but I'm not gonna handle you. 690 00:39:00,237 --> 00:39:03,866 I think a little shot of Demerol ought to relax it. 691 00:39:03,974 --> 00:39:05,498 That went right into my dick! 692 00:39:05,609 --> 00:39:08,237 Well, that really shouldn't have happened. Sorry. 693 00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:11,179 Well, now that the Demerol's probably coursing through your system, 694 00:39:11,282 --> 00:39:13,182 it could complicate things. 695 00:39:13,284 --> 00:39:14,342 Here's an idea. 696 00:39:14,452 --> 00:39:17,182 Mr. Gaulke, can you urinate? 697 00:39:17,288 --> 00:39:20,689 That might do it. It might stimulate the turkey's gag reflex. 698 00:39:20,791 --> 00:39:23,726 You want him to piss that turkey off his hog? 699 00:39:23,828 --> 00:39:26,296 Well, I mean, put yourself in the turkey's position... 700 00:39:26,397 --> 00:39:30,857 Doctor, I believe that this young turkey hasn't yet come out of the closet. 701 00:39:30,968 --> 00:39:34,768 So, if we could take a snapshot of it getting gay with Peter here, 702 00:39:34,872 --> 00:39:38,205 we can maybe threaten to send it to his father. 703 00:39:38,309 --> 00:39:40,277 And then he'll be like, "No, don't tell my dad." 704 00:39:40,378 --> 00:39:42,175 And he'll stop blowing Peter. 705 00:39:43,581 --> 00:39:46,015 Or we could chop his fucking head off. 706 00:39:47,585 --> 00:39:49,849 Holy hell! He did! 707 00:39:49,954 --> 00:39:51,216 He found our turkey! 708 00:39:51,322 --> 00:39:53,381 We've been searching for her for three months. 709 00:39:53,491 --> 00:39:55,982 How in the hell did she get caught up in this position? 710 00:39:56,093 --> 00:39:57,754 Yeah, it's Maggie, all right. 711 00:39:57,862 --> 00:39:59,329 You know what? You guys can have her back 712 00:39:59,430 --> 00:40:00,920 right after we chop her head off. 713 00:40:01,031 --> 00:40:02,396 No, you can't kill it. 714 00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:04,968 This bird is part of an ongoing government study. We want her back. 715 00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:08,197 Look, there is a $5,000 reward for her alive. 716 00:40:08,305 --> 00:40:11,900 $5,000? Whoa, hey! Doc, no. Hold on a second. 717 00:40:12,009 --> 00:40:13,169 Gentlemen. 718 00:40:13,277 --> 00:40:14,437 Now that we have the map 719 00:40:14,545 --> 00:40:17,446 and we're gonna get five grand for this stupid bird here, 720 00:40:17,548 --> 00:40:19,675 we can go get Gus Hayden, the tracker. 721 00:40:19,784 --> 00:40:22,878 Come on, everyone, jump in. Let's yank this sucker right off. 722 00:40:22,987 --> 00:40:25,182 - Did you just say yank? - Yes, we did. 723 00:40:25,289 --> 00:40:26,654 I'm gonna be gentle, but firm. 724 00:40:26,757 --> 00:40:29,419 One, two, three. 725 00:41:04,628 --> 00:41:05,856 Fucking Federales, dude. 726 00:41:05,963 --> 00:41:08,022 I got weed on me. I'll meet you on the other side. 727 00:41:08,132 --> 00:41:10,532 Don't worry, I'll take care of this. 728 00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:12,303 Hold on. Back up here. 729 00:41:13,838 --> 00:41:15,135 Excuse me. 730 00:41:15,239 --> 00:41:20,700 Let us into Mexico, please? 731 00:41:26,050 --> 00:41:29,383 Okay, so, thank you! I guess I checked out, then. 732 00:41:30,788 --> 00:41:33,552 Look at that! I guess our RV is tore up. 733 00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:35,557 Well, guess we'll have to take a plane the rest of the way. 734 00:41:35,659 --> 00:41:36,887 Oh, well. Come on, let's go. 735 00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:39,724 - Dude, what happened in there, man? - Nothing. Really cool people. 736 00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:41,127 So, come on, let's book. 737 00:41:41,232 --> 00:41:42,597 What, really? I mean, everything okay in there? 738 00:41:42,700 --> 00:41:44,099 - 'Cause you look really pale. - Yeah. 739 00:41:44,201 --> 00:41:46,965 That's because I wear sun block, you ass. Okay? 740 00:41:47,071 --> 00:41:49,403 So, come on, let's grab that airplane and get out of here. 741 00:41:53,177 --> 00:41:56,010 - So, what happened in that room? - Drop it. 742 00:41:56,113 --> 00:41:58,377 - Drop what? - Okay, look, they... 743 00:41:58,482 --> 00:42:01,645 Oh, come on! I come in peace, brother. Come on. 744 00:42:01,752 --> 00:42:04,448 You guys, the plane's boarding. Come on. 745 00:42:04,555 --> 00:42:06,955 Hey guys, I need to tell you something. 746 00:42:07,057 --> 00:42:09,150 What, you're quitting? Come on, no, it's... 747 00:42:09,260 --> 00:42:11,854 No, no, I'm not quitting. It's actually the opposite. 748 00:42:11,962 --> 00:42:13,259 I wanted to thank you guys. 749 00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:17,892 I took this job 'cause I needed it, but I also took it for other reasons. 750 00:42:18,002 --> 00:42:21,631 I figured a trip into the jungle would be a kind of a forced sobriety for me, 751 00:42:21,739 --> 00:42:25,334 and that's something I really need in my life. 752 00:42:25,442 --> 00:42:28,605 My name's Bill W. and I'm an alcoholic. 753 00:42:28,712 --> 00:42:30,543 - Hey, Bill. - Hi, Bill. 754 00:42:30,648 --> 00:42:33,515 Because of that, I've never really fit in anywhere, you know? 755 00:42:33,617 --> 00:42:38,452 I want to tell you guys. Couple days ago, I took my last drink. 756 00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:43,152 And then I did yesterday, and, well, God willing, this'll really be the last one. 757 00:42:43,260 --> 00:42:46,889 'Cause we're going to the jungle and I got some tough times ahead of me. 758 00:42:46,997 --> 00:42:49,329 But you guys have been really great to me. 759 00:42:49,433 --> 00:42:53,096 And I just want to say that you've really made me part of your family 760 00:42:53,203 --> 00:42:54,830 and I wanna say thank you for that. 761 00:42:54,939 --> 00:42:56,406 - That's so sweet. - Thank you. 762 00:42:56,507 --> 00:43:01,308 Whitaker, that is some of the finest words I've ever heard in my life. 763 00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:04,609 And just hearing them makes me feel like I'm a better person. 764 00:43:04,715 --> 00:43:07,582 So, fuck it, man. Take a bow. 765 00:43:10,754 --> 00:43:15,453 He was like, "I'm an alcoholic." I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 766 00:43:49,994 --> 00:43:51,154 Strange Wilderness? 767 00:43:51,261 --> 00:43:54,924 That's us. I'm Pete, and this is the rest of them. 768 00:43:56,533 --> 00:43:58,000 Hi, I'm Cheryl. 769 00:43:58,102 --> 00:44:00,400 - It is so nice to meet you. - Good to meet you. 770 00:44:00,504 --> 00:44:03,667 Yeah, Bill told me what Pierson did to his wife. 771 00:44:03,774 --> 00:44:06,106 Bill's a good man. Shouldn't have happened to him. 772 00:44:06,210 --> 00:44:09,179 He's upset. That's why he asked me to get you to Gus Hayden. 773 00:44:09,279 --> 00:44:11,747 - That's great. Great. - Now for the bad news. 774 00:44:11,849 --> 00:44:13,339 Pierson's got about a three-day jump on you. 775 00:44:13,450 --> 00:44:15,281 - Oh, no. - But, hey, don't worry about it. 776 00:44:15,386 --> 00:44:16,444 We'll find him. 777 00:44:16,553 --> 00:44:17,713 Tell you what, we'll go up to Gus's 778 00:44:17,821 --> 00:44:20,415 and we'll head out from there and make up for lost time. 779 00:44:20,524 --> 00:44:22,719 - All right. - By the way, my name's Dick. 780 00:44:22,826 --> 00:44:24,191 Dick what? 781 00:44:25,996 --> 00:44:27,463 Just Dick. 782 00:44:27,564 --> 00:44:28,724 Dick? 783 00:44:29,767 --> 00:44:30,893 Dick. 784 00:44:31,969 --> 00:44:33,732 Like Cher, but Dick? 785 00:44:35,105 --> 00:44:36,265 Dick. 786 00:44:37,441 --> 00:44:40,968 He's fucking... Who is this? 787 00:44:41,078 --> 00:44:43,239 Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. 788 00:44:47,718 --> 00:44:49,185 Gotta have more name than that, Dick. 789 00:44:49,286 --> 00:44:52,687 Nope. Just Dick. 790 00:44:52,790 --> 00:44:55,281 You say, "Dick," I come running. 791 00:44:57,961 --> 00:44:59,986 You come where? 792 00:45:00,097 --> 00:45:03,624 You like your name? You like Dick? 793 00:45:03,734 --> 00:45:06,567 Do you ever let your dog lick your name? 794 00:45:06,670 --> 00:45:08,069 Yeah, do you like it? 795 00:45:08,172 --> 00:45:09,867 Is your name Dick? 796 00:45:11,475 --> 00:45:14,376 I don't wanna get started off on the wrong foot with you guys. 797 00:45:14,478 --> 00:45:17,345 Does your name ever shrink if you go in cold water? 798 00:45:17,448 --> 00:45:20,383 Snicker one more time, I'll kick your balls up in your fucking neck. 799 00:45:20,484 --> 00:45:21,815 - Check. - 10-4. 800 00:45:21,919 --> 00:45:23,079 Copy that. 801 00:45:23,187 --> 00:45:26,884 Our trail's about 23 clicks west of here. 802 00:45:26,990 --> 00:45:28,014 Right. 803 00:45:28,125 --> 00:45:29,615 Does your name ever get hard in the morning? 804 00:45:29,727 --> 00:45:30,955 Shut the fuck up. 805 00:45:38,836 --> 00:45:41,999 On our way to hook up with legendary tracker, Gus Hayden, 806 00:45:42,106 --> 00:45:46,634 we encountered many jungle animals, including our furry relative, 807 00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:48,473 the monkey. 808 00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:52,515 Monkeys make up over 80% of the world's monkey population. 809 00:45:53,784 --> 00:45:56,912 Hundreds of ants are eaten each year by monkeys. 810 00:45:57,020 --> 00:46:00,319 Researchers believe that these numbers would be far less, 811 00:46:00,424 --> 00:46:03,825 if ants were the same size or bigger than monkeys. 812 00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:07,556 Wow, look at that. Those balls are sensational. 813 00:46:07,664 --> 00:46:11,327 To a lion, these balls are called a "sack lunch." 814 00:46:11,435 --> 00:46:14,996 Over here, we spot some South American gazelles. 815 00:46:15,105 --> 00:46:17,767 This gazelle is eating a flower. 816 00:46:17,875 --> 00:46:20,537 This lion is eating the gazelle. 817 00:46:20,644 --> 00:46:23,807 But he'll probably spit out the flower. 818 00:46:23,914 --> 00:46:26,246 These giraffes can't quit each other. 819 00:46:26,350 --> 00:46:30,514 I think it would be a good idea to tie your brand new jeans to their heads. 820 00:46:30,621 --> 00:46:34,523 That way, your jeans would get that distressed look. 821 00:46:34,625 --> 00:46:37,822 These birds are saying howdy to the zebra. 822 00:46:37,928 --> 00:46:41,557 Actually, they're not saying howdy, they're eating the shit out of him. 823 00:46:41,665 --> 00:46:44,600 If we held a microphone up to the zebra and he could talk like, 824 00:46:44,701 --> 00:46:48,899 you know, Mr. Ed or something, it would probably sound something like this, 825 00:46:49,006 --> 00:46:52,965 "Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 826 00:46:53,076 --> 00:46:55,977 "Did one of you just shove your beak up my ass?" 827 00:47:02,953 --> 00:47:04,944 All right. We'll walk from here. 828 00:47:05,923 --> 00:47:08,721 All right, let's go, chop-chop. It's about three clicks that way. 829 00:47:08,826 --> 00:47:11,158 Stay on the trail. Follow me. Let's go. 830 00:47:12,062 --> 00:47:13,359 Let's go! 831 00:47:36,119 --> 00:47:40,749 All right. You're about to meet the world's greatest tracker, Gus Hayden. 832 00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:52,200 Welcome to paradise. 833 00:47:52,302 --> 00:47:54,827 I hear we're gonna have a little fun. 834 00:47:56,240 --> 00:48:00,802 I shoved my knife through the top of his skull into his brain. 835 00:48:00,911 --> 00:48:05,473 Then I grabbed my hand grenade, pushed that into his head hole. 836 00:48:05,582 --> 00:48:09,382 And I shoved him back down into the tunnel and ran like hell. 837 00:48:10,153 --> 00:48:11,484 Hey, Gus. 838 00:48:11,588 --> 00:48:13,146 That was a great Vietnam story. 839 00:48:13,257 --> 00:48:16,226 But I think... You wanna let go of Fred there? 840 00:48:16,326 --> 00:48:19,056 I think you're close to killing him. 841 00:48:19,162 --> 00:48:21,995 Sorry, I forgot about you there, partner. 842 00:48:22,099 --> 00:48:23,498 Anyway, the little gook bit me, 843 00:48:23,600 --> 00:48:26,967 and that's how I got this scar right here on this thumb. 844 00:48:27,070 --> 00:48:28,094 Cool. 845 00:48:28,205 --> 00:48:30,469 So, Gus, tell us, what are we in store for tomorrow? 846 00:48:30,574 --> 00:48:32,474 We'll break camp at 0600. 847 00:48:32,576 --> 00:48:36,535 I want you all to understand that when we head into the Coconga Wilderness, 848 00:48:36,647 --> 00:48:40,014 we'll be going into a bad, dark place 849 00:48:40,117 --> 00:48:42,847 where death is about as routine as a change of pants. 850 00:48:42,953 --> 00:48:45,547 Well, this crew here? 851 00:48:45,656 --> 00:48:48,454 We've been through some pretty hairy adventures of our own. 852 00:48:48,558 --> 00:48:51,118 And I know you got that little scar there on your thumb, 853 00:48:51,228 --> 00:48:55,062 but we've gotten a few scars over the years ourselves. 854 00:48:55,165 --> 00:48:56,962 - Isn't that right, Fred? - Oh, yeah, yeah. 855 00:48:57,067 --> 00:48:59,058 I mean, look at this one. 856 00:49:01,204 --> 00:49:03,399 Eight years old. Fell off my bike. 857 00:49:03,507 --> 00:49:04,565 Shit. 858 00:49:04,675 --> 00:49:07,439 Check out this guy. See that? 859 00:49:07,544 --> 00:49:11,640 I was doing some Bondo work on a '67 Pontiac Sky Chief 860 00:49:11,748 --> 00:49:16,845 and I was drunk, as usual, and caught this on the hood ornament. 861 00:49:19,723 --> 00:49:20,917 Nasty. 862 00:49:21,525 --> 00:49:24,255 But... Hey, two days sober today, guys. 863 00:49:25,128 --> 00:49:27,331 Thank you. Thank you very much. 864 00:49:27,331 --> 00:49:27,888 Thank you. Thank you very much. 865 00:49:27,998 --> 00:49:33,402 Well, I don't have any scars, but I have this really great birthmark. 866 00:49:35,472 --> 00:49:36,734 See? 867 00:49:39,376 --> 00:49:42,868 You see this right here? Dog bit me when I was a kid. 868 00:49:42,980 --> 00:49:44,641 I was blowing in his face, and he nipped... 869 00:49:44,748 --> 00:49:48,047 Well, now. You're talking scars, I got one for you. 870 00:49:48,151 --> 00:49:49,482 About 10 years ago 871 00:49:49,586 --> 00:49:53,044 I was scouting out a location for a mining company in the Amazon, 872 00:49:53,156 --> 00:49:57,354 when I was ambushed by a tribe of Aloha pygmies. 873 00:49:57,461 --> 00:50:01,591 They tied me to a post and did to me what they do to all white men. 874 00:50:09,740 --> 00:50:13,699 They cut my scrotum with a sharp stick. Then they ran away. 875 00:50:13,810 --> 00:50:17,268 My testicles unraveled down to the ground. 876 00:50:17,381 --> 00:50:20,373 I scooped up my testicles from out of the dirt, rolled them up, 877 00:50:20,484 --> 00:50:24,215 shoved them back into my sac, and then sewed it shut myself. 878 00:50:30,560 --> 00:50:34,121 Looks like a quilt. A ball quilt. 879 00:50:36,233 --> 00:50:38,098 Okay, well... 880 00:50:38,201 --> 00:50:42,934 I'd love to sit here and swap some more scar stories, 881 00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:44,837 but I'm all out. 882 00:50:44,941 --> 00:50:46,841 I'm tired. 883 00:50:46,943 --> 00:50:48,535 Yeah, you know what? Yeah, yeah. 884 00:50:48,645 --> 00:50:50,306 I'm gonna saw some logs, myself. 885 00:50:50,414 --> 00:50:52,314 - Yeah. - All right. All right. 886 00:50:52,416 --> 00:50:55,214 Must have the worst nightmares ever. 887 00:51:06,263 --> 00:51:07,457 Pete. 888 00:51:08,465 --> 00:51:10,023 - Hey! - What? 889 00:51:10,133 --> 00:51:13,534 Dude, that tracker guy left, and Cheryl ran off with him. 890 00:51:13,637 --> 00:51:16,231 Cheryl? Cheryl! 891 00:51:16,339 --> 00:51:18,068 What? She ran off with Gus Hayden? 892 00:51:18,175 --> 00:51:20,871 She's gone, he's gone, and all our shit's gone! 893 00:51:20,977 --> 00:51:24,538 - Hey, you're probably in on it! - No! 894 00:51:24,648 --> 00:51:26,775 He left me just as stranded as you all. 895 00:51:26,883 --> 00:51:29,317 He took my bunker jeep. We got nothing! 896 00:51:29,419 --> 00:51:33,082 - Shit! Why would Cheryl do this to us? - No, no, no. 897 00:51:33,190 --> 00:51:36,648 I saw her eyeing that fucking psycho across the campfire last night. 898 00:51:36,760 --> 00:51:39,661 Shit! Shit! God! 899 00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:43,229 Shit! Shit! 900 00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:45,829 God! 901 00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:49,269 All right, calm down! Everybody, just pull yourself together! 902 00:51:50,841 --> 00:51:55,005 Bill, I need you to take an inventory of everything that's left, okay? Go, now. 903 00:51:55,112 --> 00:51:58,673 Okay. We got one sleeping bag, 904 00:51:58,782 --> 00:52:00,181 so I think we're pretty much fucked. 905 00:52:00,283 --> 00:52:04,913 No, I think we're gonna be okay. I think we're great. Let's go find Bigfoot. 906 00:52:05,021 --> 00:52:07,455 What aren't you hearing? He took the map! 907 00:52:07,557 --> 00:52:09,115 We can't find Bigfoot without a map! 908 00:52:09,226 --> 00:52:12,252 Yeah, but we can't give up, okay? We can't! 909 00:52:12,362 --> 00:52:15,559 'Cause my dad wouldn't give up. You know that. You knew him. 910 00:52:15,665 --> 00:52:19,658 I mean, he'd always make it work out. And I'm just like my dad! 911 00:52:20,604 --> 00:52:24,597 All right. Okay. I'll lead you through the jungle. 912 00:52:24,708 --> 00:52:27,700 I'm going as far as Temescal, but after that, you're on your own. 913 00:52:27,811 --> 00:52:31,042 - Okay. - That jungle is thick. 914 00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:34,413 I don't think anybody's ever even been in there. 915 00:52:34,518 --> 00:52:38,750 You know, you should quit now, while you're alive. 916 00:52:38,855 --> 00:52:41,187 Nope. Not on my watch. 917 00:52:41,291 --> 00:52:42,349 Guys? 918 00:52:42,459 --> 00:52:43,653 I don't wanna die. 919 00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:46,786 For the first time in 11 years, I'm seeing the world through sober eyes 920 00:52:46,897 --> 00:52:49,491 and it's exhilarating. 921 00:52:49,599 --> 00:52:51,533 See, I have so much to live for right now. 922 00:52:51,635 --> 00:52:55,127 I want to find a nice girl and settle down and have kids 923 00:52:55,238 --> 00:52:57,900 and dance with them in the moonlight and everything. 924 00:52:58,008 --> 00:53:00,306 I want to do it all, you know? 925 00:53:00,410 --> 00:53:02,901 Fucking beautiful. Take a bow, man. 926 00:53:04,414 --> 00:53:09,875 He was like, "I'm wearing a blue shirt and I'm sad in my heart." 927 00:53:09,986 --> 00:53:11,613 I didn't think you were gonna do that! 928 00:53:11,721 --> 00:53:14,349 Okay! Cooker, you need to... 929 00:53:17,127 --> 00:53:18,958 Is that a thong you're wearing? 930 00:53:19,062 --> 00:53:21,326 What the fuck did you say? 931 00:53:21,431 --> 00:53:23,296 Do you have a thong on? 932 00:53:24,267 --> 00:53:26,326 Yeah, I'm wearing a thong. 933 00:53:27,704 --> 00:53:29,069 I'll get the sleeping bag. 934 00:53:40,817 --> 00:53:42,842 Dick, there any snakes in this shit, or what? 935 00:53:42,953 --> 00:53:45,513 Don't worry about fucking snakes. 936 00:53:48,758 --> 00:53:50,385 Fuck you, dude. 937 00:53:51,895 --> 00:53:53,954 Shit, a porcupine. 938 00:54:10,247 --> 00:54:12,078 Hey. Hey! 939 00:54:12,182 --> 00:54:16,983 I think it stopped. I think it stopped. 940 00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:20,056 - Oh, God. This is insane. - All right. 941 00:54:20,156 --> 00:54:23,922 No. It's gonna be okay, I think. It's gonna be okay. 942 00:54:24,027 --> 00:54:27,724 Come on, let's just keep moving. It'll be okay. 943 00:54:32,969 --> 00:54:35,631 - What the fuck was that? - Just keep going. It's gonna be fine. 944 00:54:44,514 --> 00:54:46,004 - Come on. - Hey, come on! 945 00:54:46,116 --> 00:54:48,448 Guys, guys, guys, just a monkey. It's just a monkey. 946 00:54:48,551 --> 00:54:49,745 Jesus. 947 00:54:55,759 --> 00:54:58,023 - You guys! - Oh, shit! 948 00:54:58,128 --> 00:55:02,394 I have been tracking you for hours. Why did you leave me back there? 949 00:55:02,499 --> 00:55:05,627 Well, we thought you ran off with Gus Hayden. 950 00:55:07,237 --> 00:55:09,467 You really think I'd do that? 951 00:55:09,572 --> 00:55:10,698 Yeah. 952 00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:11,831 Gross. 953 00:55:12,709 --> 00:55:16,475 I'd wanna fuck even you guys before I'd wanna fuck him. 954 00:55:16,579 --> 00:55:18,240 - Hey. - All right. 955 00:55:18,348 --> 00:55:20,441 You guys, I woke up and he was stealing all our stuff, 956 00:55:20,550 --> 00:55:23,348 so I pretended like I wanted to go with him 957 00:55:24,821 --> 00:55:28,814 and I convinced him to give me this. 958 00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:31,559 The map. 959 00:55:31,661 --> 00:55:33,720 You convinced him? 960 00:55:35,565 --> 00:55:37,999 What'd you have to do? 961 00:55:38,101 --> 00:55:40,592 Just a little something. Okay? 962 00:55:40,704 --> 00:55:42,899 I took one for the team. 963 00:55:44,641 --> 00:55:47,508 I have a map. 964 00:55:47,610 --> 00:55:50,408 - Me, too. I got a map. - I got a bunch of maps. 965 00:55:50,513 --> 00:55:51,639 I have an atlas. 966 00:55:51,748 --> 00:55:56,685 I have some old Civil War maps that are worth quite a bit. 967 00:55:56,786 --> 00:55:59,778 I have a map of the moon. It's like... You can feel it. 968 00:55:59,889 --> 00:56:02,619 I got a whole map store. Maps everywhere. 969 00:56:02,726 --> 00:56:04,591 If we get back to the RV, I got a Thomas Guide. 970 00:56:04,694 --> 00:56:07,094 Like a hundred pages of maps. 971 00:56:07,197 --> 00:56:09,688 Come here, you guys! 972 00:56:09,799 --> 00:56:12,529 Just kidding. I don't have a map. 973 00:56:12,969 --> 00:56:17,565 I'll tell you, I will be damned. I will just be damned. 974 00:56:17,674 --> 00:56:22,236 You know, with that map and my jungle survival skills, 975 00:56:22,345 --> 00:56:24,939 just might be able to help you find Bigfoot after all. 976 00:56:25,048 --> 00:56:26,208 Yeah! 977 00:56:26,316 --> 00:56:28,284 Dick! Dick! Dick! 978 00:56:30,754 --> 00:56:32,051 - We love Dick! - Yes, we are. 979 00:56:32,155 --> 00:56:36,455 Yes, we are. First, though, we gotta cross the Mohate River. 980 00:56:48,705 --> 00:56:50,400 We're almost there. 981 00:56:50,507 --> 00:56:53,340 Just straight that way. Okay, you're doing great, Fred. 982 00:56:53,443 --> 00:56:55,911 - Thank you, thank you. - You're doing great. 983 00:56:57,680 --> 00:57:01,411 - Cooker, I'm proud of you. - Hey, Dick. I'm proud of you in turn. 984 00:57:01,518 --> 00:57:03,679 You're the best. You're the best. 985 00:57:04,487 --> 00:57:07,456 Now, I know a secret quick way through this jungle, 986 00:57:07,557 --> 00:57:10,458 and we can get to the rocky cliffs and maybe cut off Pierson. 987 00:57:10,560 --> 00:57:12,960 Now, here's what you're gonna do. 988 00:57:13,897 --> 00:57:15,660 What the... Oh, God! 989 00:57:19,936 --> 00:57:22,871 Don't come in here! No! Stay out! 990 00:57:25,074 --> 00:57:27,338 Oh, Dick! 991 00:57:27,444 --> 00:57:29,946 Here's another one of those piranha bastards. 992 00:57:30,113 --> 00:57:32,513 Fucking eat all these fucking stupid fish. 993 00:57:32,615 --> 00:57:36,551 We were gonna make it, and then these bastards ate Dick! 994 00:57:36,653 --> 00:57:39,315 - How's it feel to get eaten, fish fuckers? - Yeah! 995 00:57:39,422 --> 00:57:42,448 - How's it feel to get eaten? - Stupid... Stupid fish! 996 00:57:42,559 --> 00:57:46,359 You think we'd just let you get away with eating Dick, 997 00:57:46,463 --> 00:57:49,364 you sons-of-bitches, pieces of river trash! 998 00:57:49,466 --> 00:57:51,400 Fuck you! Fuck you! 999 00:57:52,635 --> 00:57:54,068 Hey, wait a minute. 1000 00:57:55,772 --> 00:57:57,865 These are the fish that ate Dick, right? 1001 00:57:57,974 --> 00:57:59,874 Yeah! 1002 00:57:59,976 --> 00:58:01,876 All right, just go with me here. 1003 00:58:01,978 --> 00:58:06,745 If Dick is in the fishes, and we're eating the fishes, 1004 00:58:06,850 --> 00:58:09,410 doesn't that mean we're eating Dick? 1005 00:58:14,324 --> 00:58:15,814 What the fuck? 1006 00:58:22,565 --> 00:58:25,500 - It's gonna be okay! Come on! Fred. - No! 1007 00:58:25,635 --> 00:58:28,297 Not one single thing has gone our way! 1008 00:58:28,404 --> 00:58:32,363 And I guarantee you Pierson found Bigfoot's cave days ago. 1009 00:58:32,475 --> 00:58:35,069 Come on, Fred! Don't be so negative, okay? 1010 00:58:35,178 --> 00:58:38,636 Come on... Our luck is gonna change, I can feel it. 1011 00:58:38,748 --> 00:58:40,443 Oh, my God. 1012 00:58:40,550 --> 00:58:44,111 You guys have to come with me. I think I found something. 1013 00:58:53,730 --> 00:58:57,689 - It's Pierson's team. - Holy crap. 1014 00:58:57,800 --> 00:58:59,768 Fred. Get over here, Fred. 1015 00:58:59,869 --> 00:59:04,738 Mr. Wah I'm So Bummed Out. Pierson's Gonna Find Bigfoot First... 1016 00:59:04,841 --> 00:59:07,901 I don't think so, buddy! Looks like our luck is changing. 1017 00:59:08,011 --> 00:59:10,571 We came out on top! Come on! 1018 00:59:14,984 --> 00:59:18,750 Oh, yeah. Oh, right. This is tragic. 1019 00:59:21,624 --> 00:59:25,390 Amen. Okay, let's gather up their equipment, guys. 1020 00:59:26,696 --> 00:59:28,220 Sweet axe. 1021 00:59:32,168 --> 00:59:37,470 Gentle clouds of Nazareth 1022 00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:41,476 Massacred in Ecuador 1023 00:59:41,578 --> 00:59:46,345 Life's too fucking short Ask that guy 1024 00:59:46,449 --> 00:59:49,475 Hey, that's Sky Pierson. 1025 00:59:49,586 --> 00:59:51,850 - Oh, my God! - Gaulke. 1026 00:59:51,955 --> 00:59:53,354 - Hey. - Gaulke. 1027 00:59:53,456 --> 00:59:56,584 Hi, Sky. Wow, long time no see. 1028 00:59:57,460 --> 00:59:58,654 So... 1029 00:59:59,896 --> 01:00:03,332 I'm sorry. Sorry about that. I just had some bad fish. 1030 01:00:03,433 --> 01:00:07,028 So, what happened here? 1031 01:00:07,136 --> 01:00:08,433 Attacked. 1032 01:00:10,239 --> 01:00:11,831 Coconga pygmies. 1033 01:00:13,509 --> 01:00:14,737 Horrible. 1034 01:00:16,579 --> 01:00:18,069 Hey, Sky, 1035 01:00:19,215 --> 01:00:21,410 could you feel this? 1036 01:00:21,517 --> 01:00:22,882 Dude. 1037 01:00:22,986 --> 01:00:25,853 What are you poking him for, man? The guy's dying. 1038 01:00:25,955 --> 01:00:30,619 His upper half of his body is not connected to his lower half. 1039 01:00:30,727 --> 01:00:33,992 - Yeah, I know. Jesus Christ. What? - Hey, Pete, Pete. 1040 01:00:34,097 --> 01:00:37,498 You gonna punch him in the face like Bill asked? 1041 01:00:37,600 --> 01:00:40,626 Oh, shit. Forgot about that. 1042 01:00:43,973 --> 01:00:45,907 It's your call. 1043 01:00:46,009 --> 01:00:50,309 Oh, man. I don't know. I'm kind of on the fence about it. 1044 01:00:50,413 --> 01:00:53,075 It's not like he's in any position to punch you back. 1045 01:00:53,182 --> 01:00:55,343 Fred, it has nothing to do with fear. 1046 01:00:55,451 --> 01:00:58,079 I mean, don't you think it's a little excessive, punching him in the face? 1047 01:00:58,187 --> 01:01:00,655 He's missing the lower half of his body. 1048 01:01:00,757 --> 01:01:01,951 Gaulke. 1049 01:01:03,459 --> 01:01:07,156 - Hey, we're back. - Gaulke, you still here? 1050 01:01:07,263 --> 01:01:08,730 Yeah, we're here. 1051 01:01:10,800 --> 01:01:12,995 Hey, the cavalry has arrived. 1052 01:01:17,073 --> 01:01:18,335 Sky. 1053 01:01:22,545 --> 01:01:23,842 Oh, Sky. 1054 01:01:25,715 --> 01:01:26,909 Let's go. 1055 01:01:27,016 --> 01:01:29,382 Pick up what you can carry, especially the camera equipment. 1056 01:01:29,485 --> 01:01:31,248 Let's get the hell out of here. 1057 01:02:08,458 --> 01:02:11,018 See, I could've sworn these are the markings! 1058 01:02:11,127 --> 01:02:12,458 They're right there on the map. 1059 01:02:12,562 --> 01:02:16,225 Well, then, where the hell is the cave? It says it's on the map, but it's not there! 1060 01:02:16,332 --> 01:02:17,731 Hey, does anyone else get the feeling that, 1061 01:02:17,834 --> 01:02:19,995 like, we've been going in circles for a while? 1062 01:02:20,103 --> 01:02:24,597 Shit! Shit! Shit! Fucking shit! 1063 01:02:25,842 --> 01:02:26,809 Shit! 1064 01:02:29,345 --> 01:02:31,472 Fuck! Such a fuck up! 1065 01:02:33,783 --> 01:02:36,718 Give me that fucking map! 1066 01:02:36,819 --> 01:02:38,116 Wait. Wait, wait, wait. 1067 01:02:38,221 --> 01:02:42,351 You said that Bill Calhoun took a real picture of the map, right? 1068 01:02:42,458 --> 01:02:44,653 Yeah, Pierson was holding it in his hands. 1069 01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:47,559 Okay. Bill was using two security cameras. 1070 01:02:47,663 --> 01:02:52,157 It's a mirror image. Look at the "N". The map got printed out backwards. 1071 01:02:52,268 --> 01:02:53,860 Flip the picture. 1072 01:02:55,438 --> 01:02:57,872 Cheryl, you are a genius! 1073 01:02:58,975 --> 01:03:01,443 Okay, so wait. So all the directions are reversed. 1074 01:03:01,544 --> 01:03:05,480 So then that means that the cave is not here. 1075 01:03:05,581 --> 01:03:08,880 It's gonna be over, around here. Come on, let's go! 1076 01:03:18,795 --> 01:03:20,285 That's it. 1077 01:03:20,396 --> 01:03:22,489 That's the cave. It's gotta be. Map. 1078 01:03:22,598 --> 01:03:25,066 See? Turn the map. 1079 01:03:25,168 --> 01:03:29,366 Rock formation fits with the hill. That cave is his cave. 1080 01:03:44,287 --> 01:03:46,482 How do we know he's in there? 1081 01:03:46,589 --> 01:03:49,023 I can feel him. Okay, come on. 1082 01:03:49,125 --> 01:03:52,959 We're gonna move closer, but stealthily, like that of a cheetah. 1083 01:04:06,375 --> 01:04:10,607 Oh, my God, I can hear him. He's in there. Holy God. Okay. 1084 01:04:10,713 --> 01:04:15,047 This is probably the most important wildlife discovery of our time, 1085 01:04:15,151 --> 01:04:17,415 and we're gonna chronicle it. 1086 01:04:19,222 --> 01:04:20,382 Okay. 1087 01:04:21,424 --> 01:04:23,790 Okay, over there. Cross, cross. 1088 01:04:25,027 --> 01:04:26,324 This is crazy. 1089 01:04:26,662 --> 01:04:28,357 Okay, set up the camera. 1090 01:04:28,464 --> 01:04:31,331 Okay, listen up. Here's what's gonna happen. 1091 01:04:31,434 --> 01:04:33,868 I'm gonna do an intro throw announce, 1092 01:04:33,970 --> 01:04:36,029 and then we're gonna slowly steal inside 1093 01:04:36,138 --> 01:04:38,698 and catch this amazing creature in his natural habitat, okay? 1094 01:04:38,808 --> 01:04:40,207 Okay, ready? 1095 01:04:40,309 --> 01:04:43,938 Oh, remember. Okay, listen. Junior! 1096 01:04:44,046 --> 01:04:45,377 - Listen. - I am. 1097 01:04:45,481 --> 01:04:48,109 Do not spook him, okay? 1098 01:04:48,217 --> 01:04:51,709 He is probably very, very frightened of us. 1099 01:04:51,821 --> 01:04:54,312 - Okay. - Okay. 1100 01:04:54,423 --> 01:04:55,947 I got sound if you wanna go. 1101 01:04:56,058 --> 01:04:57,423 Ready, rolling. 1102 01:04:57,526 --> 01:05:01,860 And five, four, three, two, one, zero. Talking now. 1103 01:05:03,132 --> 01:05:07,364 Hi. I'm Peter Gaulke, and this is Strange Wilderness. 1104 01:05:07,470 --> 01:05:13,067 Camped here, waiting to film Bigfoot. 1105 01:05:13,175 --> 01:05:15,473 That's right, you heard me, Bigfoot. 1106 01:05:15,578 --> 01:05:18,843 Animals have long been known as animals, not human, 1107 01:05:18,948 --> 01:05:25,376 and have been described as stupid, cowardly, aggressive, dimwitted, 1108 01:05:27,189 --> 01:05:32,752 low beasts, eager to kill, eager to eat, eager to fornicate, 1109 01:05:32,862 --> 01:05:37,128 eager to stampede all... 1110 01:05:37,233 --> 01:05:40,896 But is it animals we describe, or is it mankind? 1111 01:05:42,672 --> 01:05:47,109 Perhaps this Bigfoot creature can bridge the divide between us and them. 1112 01:05:47,209 --> 01:05:50,701 Perhaps his gentle ways can teach us, remind us 1113 01:05:50,813 --> 01:05:56,479 that peace and harmony are necessary if mankind is to survive. 1114 01:05:56,585 --> 01:05:58,143 What? 1115 01:05:58,254 --> 01:05:59,516 Oh, fuck! 1116 01:06:26,182 --> 01:06:27,149 Hey... 1117 01:06:28,117 --> 01:06:32,747 Does anybody remember what that big bastard said before he came at us? 1118 01:06:35,925 --> 01:06:41,761 I think he said, "Huh?" Like he wasn't sure what was going on. 1119 01:06:41,864 --> 01:06:45,197 - No. It was more of a growl. - Yeah, totally. 1120 01:06:45,301 --> 01:06:47,826 Actually, you know what? It was more like a death growl. 1121 01:06:47,937 --> 01:06:52,374 It was like, "I'm gonna kill you." I mean, I heard that. 1122 01:06:52,475 --> 01:06:54,340 - Yeah, no, I did, too. Yeah. - Yeah. 1123 01:06:54,443 --> 01:06:56,070 I heard it, too. 1124 01:06:57,313 --> 01:07:00,373 - Didn't I? - Yeah. No. Oh, yeah. 1125 01:07:00,483 --> 01:07:02,110 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's what he said, man. 1126 01:07:02,218 --> 01:07:05,710 I've just, you know, I've just never killed anything before. 1127 01:07:05,821 --> 01:07:07,413 But it was in self-defense, so... 1128 01:07:07,523 --> 01:07:09,115 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. The lady's right. 1129 01:07:09,225 --> 01:07:14,026 This mythological beast was engineered by the French. 1130 01:07:14,130 --> 01:07:17,793 Fuck, I was so blind to not see it before. 1131 01:07:17,900 --> 01:07:21,131 It was designed by the French in the early '50s 1132 01:07:21,237 --> 01:07:25,697 to fuck and eventually kill American people. 1133 01:07:25,808 --> 01:07:30,643 He would've come and fucking killed all of us. 1134 01:07:30,746 --> 01:07:31,804 You know what? 1135 01:07:31,914 --> 01:07:34,212 Like, if a mosquito is buzzing around your ear, do you let it go? 1136 01:07:34,316 --> 01:07:36,978 Like, "Keep on bothering me and, like, sting me 1137 01:07:37,086 --> 01:07:38,280 "and let me get West Nile Virus?" 1138 01:07:38,387 --> 01:07:41,447 No, you fucking smack it, like we did. 1139 01:07:41,557 --> 01:07:43,684 Only we did it with guns. 1140 01:07:43,793 --> 01:07:45,920 - I don't know, guys. I mean... - What? 1141 01:07:47,129 --> 01:07:48,426 Well, I mean... 1142 01:07:50,166 --> 01:07:51,690 - Fuck him, right? - Yeah. 1143 01:07:51,801 --> 01:07:55,760 That prick deserved to die, right? Big, hairy, carnivore son-of-a-bitch. 1144 01:07:55,871 --> 01:07:59,238 You see the way he came at us, all up in our face and all... 1145 01:07:59,341 --> 01:08:01,172 Fucking fuck you, you fuck. 1146 01:08:01,277 --> 01:08:02,835 - Yeah! - Yeah! 1147 01:08:05,915 --> 01:08:07,678 Fucking cocktease. 1148 01:08:12,988 --> 01:08:16,856 But, you know, I've been thinking. 1149 01:08:16,959 --> 01:08:21,521 Maybe it's not the best way to end our show, though? 1150 01:08:21,630 --> 01:08:25,498 You know, actually killing Bigfoot? 1151 01:08:26,102 --> 01:08:27,126 Yeah. 1152 01:08:27,236 --> 01:08:30,103 Probably not gonna fly with the TV station. 1153 01:08:32,041 --> 01:08:35,067 Peter, I have a little idea. 1154 01:08:45,788 --> 01:08:47,813 Those sharks ate the living shit out of me, 1155 01:08:47,923 --> 01:08:51,290 like my leg was a fucking piece of corn on the cob with butter on it. 1156 01:08:51,393 --> 01:08:53,486 I was yelling at them that I wasn't no seal. 1157 01:08:53,596 --> 01:08:55,029 "Hey, it's me, Danny-boy!" 1158 01:08:55,131 --> 01:08:57,429 But they didn't understand my human language. 1159 01:08:57,533 --> 01:08:59,228 So I got this fake leg now. 1160 01:08:59,335 --> 01:09:01,826 The doc comes in my room, and he asks me what kind I want. 1161 01:09:01,937 --> 01:09:03,029 What the fuck? 1162 01:09:03,139 --> 01:09:05,403 It turns out he's talking about the wood or some shit. 1163 01:09:05,508 --> 01:09:07,669 Mahogany, pine, or balsa? 1164 01:09:07,776 --> 01:09:11,041 So, that gets me thinking, "I should put a jackhammer on there, 1165 01:09:11,147 --> 01:09:15,379 "so when I walk up the sidewalk I could bust up the cement." 1166 01:09:15,484 --> 01:09:17,748 Okay. All right, listen up, everybody. 1167 01:09:17,853 --> 01:09:21,812 We're gonna have him eating out of our hands when he sees this. This. 1168 01:09:21,924 --> 01:09:24,256 The television show of the century, huh? 1169 01:09:24,360 --> 01:09:25,588 Yeah. 1170 01:09:25,694 --> 01:09:26,922 - Bring it. - Let's do it. 1171 01:09:27,029 --> 01:09:28,326 - High five! - Good luck. 1172 01:09:29,465 --> 01:09:33,060 We were all shivering with excitement as we carefully moved in 1173 01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:37,606 for the first ever contact with the legendary Bigfoot. 1174 01:09:37,706 --> 01:09:40,573 What we found inside the cave shocked us all. 1175 01:09:40,676 --> 01:09:44,077 Apparently, the Bigfoot had been experiencing depression 1176 01:09:44,180 --> 01:09:45,613 and hung himself. 1177 01:09:45,714 --> 01:09:48,911 Forced to live like an animal in a cold dark cave, 1178 01:09:49,018 --> 01:09:52,351 I imagine any one of us would've done the same thing. 1179 01:09:52,454 --> 01:09:54,854 Unlike that dude on fire at the peace rally, 1180 01:09:54,957 --> 01:09:57,858 we sprung into action to revive the Bigfoot. 1181 01:09:57,960 --> 01:09:59,621 But it was too late. 1182 01:09:59,728 --> 01:10:02,595 It made me feel so crappy. 1183 01:10:02,698 --> 01:10:07,192 And so ended our fantastic adventure, "The Search for Bigfoot." 1184 01:10:07,303 --> 01:10:10,170 Join us next week for a show about beavers. 1185 01:10:11,440 --> 01:10:13,237 Are you insane? 1186 01:10:13,342 --> 01:10:15,742 Did someone drop a safe on your head? 1187 01:10:15,844 --> 01:10:18,312 That's the craziest shit I've ever seen! 1188 01:10:18,414 --> 01:10:20,746 - Hey, quit shoving me, man! - Yeah, what's that? 1189 01:10:20,849 --> 01:10:23,010 Man, you've been a dick since day one! 1190 01:10:23,118 --> 01:10:26,019 - Yeah? Fuck you! - Get out, assholes! 1191 01:10:26,121 --> 01:10:27,554 - Fuck you, Judy. - Yeah. 1192 01:10:27,656 --> 01:10:29,419 You know what? This is all because of you and your stupid idea 1193 01:10:29,525 --> 01:10:31,686 about faking Bigfoot's suicide. 1194 01:10:31,794 --> 01:10:34,820 You know, I should've never listened... I should've never hired you! 1195 01:10:34,930 --> 01:10:37,956 That's the most un-American thing I've ever heard in my life. 1196 01:10:38,067 --> 01:10:39,625 Excuse me, could you keep it down? 1197 01:10:39,735 --> 01:10:43,068 Hey, sweetheart, we're having a private company meeting here. 1198 01:10:43,172 --> 01:10:44,469 So why don't you keep it down, okay? 1199 01:10:44,573 --> 01:10:46,905 Hey, hey, we're in the middle of a fucking conversation, 1200 01:10:47,009 --> 01:10:48,567 you turn around to hit on some chick. 1201 01:10:48,677 --> 01:10:51,908 Hey, why you all up in my waist, man? You feeling froggy, huh? 1202 01:10:52,014 --> 01:10:54,346 - Why don't you take a leap? - I can't. That's fucked up. 1203 01:10:54,450 --> 01:10:56,577 You shouldn't talk to someone like that. 1204 01:10:56,685 --> 01:11:00,416 You stone-wasted half-man party punk! Shut the... 1205 01:11:00,789 --> 01:11:04,156 Whoa, seriously, man. Come on, he's pathetic. Take it easy on him. 1206 01:11:04,260 --> 01:11:08,253 Fuck you, Cheech. You suck as a soundman, dude. 1207 01:11:08,364 --> 01:11:12,027 You stupid fuck. Go buy some sandals. Go buy some sandals. 1208 01:11:12,134 --> 01:11:15,399 You want to fight? I'll fight your fight. I haven't fought in 10 years. 1209 01:11:15,504 --> 01:11:16,971 I'm fighting tonight. 1210 01:11:18,574 --> 01:11:21,702 What you got? What you got? Let's see. Throw down, bitch. 1211 01:11:24,013 --> 01:11:25,241 Throw down, bitch. 1212 01:11:25,347 --> 01:11:27,747 Hey, you know what? He's right, Fred! 1213 01:11:27,850 --> 01:11:29,340 You suck as a soundman, okay... 1214 01:11:29,451 --> 01:11:31,316 All right, that's it. I'm calling security. 1215 01:11:31,420 --> 01:11:33,320 Oh, no, honey, you are not calling security. 1216 01:11:33,422 --> 01:11:35,287 - You understand me? - Hey! Hey! 1217 01:11:53,709 --> 01:11:56,507 And that is the whole ridiculous story. 1218 01:11:58,580 --> 01:12:02,880 No, I haven't seen anybody in, like, over a year. 1219 01:12:02,985 --> 01:12:04,646 You know, things were said. 1220 01:12:04,753 --> 01:12:07,551 I think they're a lot better off without me around anyway. 1221 01:12:07,656 --> 01:12:10,784 I'm such a failure. Oh, shit. 1222 01:12:10,893 --> 01:12:13,191 Hey, thanks for listening, okay? 1223 01:12:13,295 --> 01:12:15,923 I'll talk to you tomorrow. Great. Bye. 1224 01:12:17,366 --> 01:12:18,799 Nobody's home! 1225 01:12:23,572 --> 01:12:24,596 Pete. 1226 01:12:24,707 --> 01:12:27,505 You know when you yell out "Nobody's home," 1227 01:12:27,609 --> 01:12:29,907 people know you're home because otherwise 1228 01:12:30,012 --> 01:12:33,209 who the hell would be yelling out "Nobody's home." 1229 01:12:35,718 --> 01:12:37,185 Brought out a smile. 1230 01:12:39,455 --> 01:12:42,549 Well, you won't return my calls, 1231 01:12:42,658 --> 01:12:46,185 so I thought I'd personally hand-deliver a hello. 1232 01:12:46,295 --> 01:12:49,492 No, I just couldn't hold it all together. 1233 01:12:50,566 --> 01:12:52,431 You know what I've always been wanting to tell you, 1234 01:12:52,534 --> 01:12:54,900 all the times you have beaten yourself up... 1235 01:12:56,105 --> 01:12:59,597 Times were different then. It was easier. 1236 01:12:59,708 --> 01:13:01,039 You know something? 1237 01:13:01,143 --> 01:13:03,577 Your old man could never have survived today. 1238 01:13:03,679 --> 01:13:05,647 I loved your dad, you know that, 1239 01:13:05,748 --> 01:13:09,275 but he didn't have the tenacity and the heart that you have. 1240 01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:12,320 You were born into a wildlife family. 1241 01:13:12,421 --> 01:13:17,586 Like your old man used to say, "All it takes is one good idea." 1242 01:13:17,693 --> 01:13:20,218 Yeah, he used to always say that. 1243 01:13:20,329 --> 01:13:23,093 With one good idea anything can happen. 1244 01:13:23,198 --> 01:13:27,430 - But it's up to you. - Yeah. 1245 01:13:27,536 --> 01:13:29,128 What do you say? 1246 01:13:30,606 --> 01:13:32,699 I say, "Let's do it." 1247 01:13:32,808 --> 01:13:36,335 - Pete Gaulke's back! - Yeah. Right. 1248 01:13:36,445 --> 01:13:39,471 You know what? Thanks, man. I mean, I really get... 1249 01:13:39,581 --> 01:13:41,947 - Hey, do you mind if I tap a bowl first? - Go ahead. 1250 01:13:42,050 --> 01:13:44,450 You know, because... Where's it? 1251 01:13:44,553 --> 01:13:46,987 You know, I have a bunch of great ideas, 1252 01:13:47,089 --> 01:13:49,956 and they seem like great ideas for about 10 minutes, 1253 01:13:50,058 --> 01:13:53,186 and then I'm sitting here for a while and all of a sudden they seem stale. 1254 01:13:53,295 --> 01:13:56,526 And then I forget about them, I don't write them down anymore... 1255 01:13:56,632 --> 01:14:01,331 I mean, I think what I need to do is really kind of... 1256 01:14:06,909 --> 01:14:11,243 Oh, God. That little guy is gonna think he's a shark. 1257 01:14:11,346 --> 01:14:12,404 Hey, wait a minute. 1258 01:14:12,514 --> 01:14:14,709 What a hell of an idea for a show. 1259 01:14:14,817 --> 01:14:17,786 A show about sharks, huh? 1260 01:14:17,886 --> 01:14:19,877 - One good idea. - Good idea! 1261 01:14:19,988 --> 01:14:21,785 Yeah, buddy! 1262 01:14:21,890 --> 01:14:22,857 All right. 1263 01:14:25,461 --> 01:14:27,361 Hot Dog Hell, can I help you? 1264 01:14:27,463 --> 01:14:31,695 Yeah, I need six hotdogs, I need six cokes, 1265 01:14:31,800 --> 01:14:35,531 and the best damn soundman in the business. 1266 01:14:35,637 --> 01:14:38,173 I need Fred Wolf's ass in this car now. 1267 01:14:38,173 --> 01:14:38,400 I need Fred Wolf's ass in this car now. 1268 01:14:38,507 --> 01:14:41,340 Pete! Holy shit, man. You know what? 1269 01:14:41,443 --> 01:14:42,842 I've been going through it in my head. 1270 01:14:42,945 --> 01:14:45,072 Fifty different ways on how to apologize to you 1271 01:14:45,180 --> 01:14:46,875 for what I said that day, man. 1272 01:14:46,982 --> 01:14:49,507 We're all sorry about all the stuff we said. 1273 01:14:49,618 --> 01:14:52,018 Hey, man, the world keeps turning, you know? 1274 01:14:52,120 --> 01:14:54,611 Hey, dads may die and you may miss him every day, 1275 01:14:54,723 --> 01:14:56,350 but you still have your friends. 1276 01:14:56,458 --> 01:14:58,619 That was beautiful, man. Take a bow. 1277 01:15:00,062 --> 01:15:01,393 Asshole! 1278 01:15:01,497 --> 01:15:03,965 Why are they using such bad language? 1279 01:15:04,066 --> 01:15:06,660 Yeah, I called Lawson, and he was mad at first. 1280 01:15:06,768 --> 01:15:10,727 He said, Bigfoot thing was the craziest thing he ever saw. 1281 01:15:10,839 --> 01:15:14,138 Well, then he never saw R. Kelly's Trapped in a Fucking Closet! 1282 01:15:14,243 --> 01:15:16,837 But he said if we could get a shark attack on film, 1283 01:15:16,945 --> 01:15:18,742 he'd put us back on the air. 1284 01:15:22,985 --> 01:15:25,317 So get in the fucking car and let's go! 1285 01:15:29,324 --> 01:15:30,313 Get in there! 1286 01:15:39,001 --> 01:15:40,992 Excuse me. I didn't say... Hey, hey, hey! 1287 01:15:41,904 --> 01:15:43,599 Hi, Ed, how are you? 1288 01:15:43,705 --> 01:15:46,572 We got a shark episode with a shark attack. 1289 01:15:49,344 --> 01:15:53,178 Hi, I'm Peter Gaulke and this is Strange Wilderness. 1290 01:15:53,282 --> 01:15:56,809 The ocean. Many words have been used to describe it. 1291 01:15:56,919 --> 01:15:59,353 And now you can add one more. Dangerous. 1292 01:15:59,454 --> 01:16:01,615 Why? The shark. 1293 01:16:01,723 --> 01:16:03,520 It was one year ago today, 1294 01:16:03,625 --> 01:16:07,083 that Danny was brutally attacked on this very spot 1295 01:16:07,195 --> 01:16:09,686 by one of these killing machines. 1296 01:16:10,632 --> 01:16:16,332 In today's show, we'll be taking a close look at this mysterious creature 1297 01:16:16,438 --> 01:16:20,033 that should be named "the asshole of the sea." 1298 01:16:20,642 --> 01:16:22,473 Menacing and terrifying, 1299 01:16:22,578 --> 01:16:27,242 the shark has been menacing and terrifying for over a decade. 1300 01:16:27,349 --> 01:16:30,648 Sharks can only be found in two places on earth, 1301 01:16:30,752 --> 01:16:34,017 the Northern and Southern Hemispheres. 1302 01:16:34,122 --> 01:16:39,059 This shark is called a Hammerhead because his head looks like a hammer. 1303 01:16:39,161 --> 01:16:41,527 These sharks are attacking Nicole Richie. 1304 01:16:43,865 --> 01:16:46,834 Yes, the shark is a... What the fuck! 1305 01:16:46,935 --> 01:16:49,699 Look at that thing's teeth. 1306 01:17:13,729 --> 01:17:15,196 Okay, you guys ready? 1307 01:17:15,297 --> 01:17:17,993 I've never been more ready in my fucking life. 1308 01:17:18,100 --> 01:17:21,092 It's like that shark was gnawing on me like a rawhide stick. 1309 01:17:21,203 --> 01:17:22,500 - This one's for you, Danny. - How old are those? 1310 01:17:22,604 --> 01:17:24,003 Three weeks old. 1311 01:17:25,941 --> 01:17:27,272 For you, Danny. 1312 01:17:28,710 --> 01:17:30,371 Oh, my God, it's gonna come up. 1313 01:17:30,479 --> 01:17:31,878 Give me that shit. 1314 01:17:36,385 --> 01:17:39,183 All right, let's do this. Fred, lower the steak. 1315 01:17:39,287 --> 01:17:41,380 All right, come on. Let's do this. 1316 01:17:42,391 --> 01:17:44,325 That's him. That's that same fucker. 1317 01:17:44,426 --> 01:17:46,087 There's a fin. I see a fin. 1318 01:17:46,194 --> 01:17:47,627 - I see it, too. - Hey, shark! 1319 01:17:47,729 --> 01:17:50,892 We got something for you, you fucking asshole! 1320 01:17:52,434 --> 01:17:53,867 Oh, my God, he's... 1321 01:17:58,073 --> 01:17:59,734 That was awesome. 1322 01:18:01,810 --> 01:18:05,177 Fuck you, motherfucker! How did that shit taste? 1323 01:18:10,318 --> 01:18:11,808 That did it. 1324 01:18:13,221 --> 01:18:14,415 Pete... 1325 01:18:15,490 --> 01:18:17,890 Pete, people love shark attacks. 1326 01:18:17,993 --> 01:18:20,896 Besides, Pierson's dead, so you're back on the air. 1327 01:18:20,896 --> 01:18:21,123 Besides, Pierson's dead, so you're back on the air. 1328 01:18:26,034 --> 01:18:28,002 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 106171

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