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1
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:07,049
Dying my hair dark
was totally on a whim.
2
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:09,718
It was not the right move
to make professionally
3
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:14,681
because blondes, generally,
are more desired on the internet
4
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:16,433
but I wanna do what I wanna do
5
00:00:16,475 --> 00:00:19,061
and I'm not gonna live my life
6
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:22,481
based on my professional career.
7
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,200
That first few thousand dollars I made,
8
00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,303
I could, like, feel the noose,
like, loosening on my neck.
9
00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:37,127
I was like, oh, thank God.
I can pay my bills.
10
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,914
Great.
11
00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:41,708
All my money that I made initially
definitely went to bills.
12
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:44,545
I've just been stashing it away,
not touching it.
13
00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:47,130
I've kind of taken a step back
for the last month though
14
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:51,134
and I'm only seeing, like, one or two
of my regulars right now.
15
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,095
I mean, I'm not completely debt free,
16
00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,764
but I'm to the point now
where I feel comfortable
17
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,808
and I'm like,
I can just be a normal person
18
00:00:57,850 --> 00:01:00,060
and work when I wanna work.
19
00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:04,022
I would say that things are weird
for me and Brian right now.
20
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,817
At the end of the day, we broke up
because I just couldn't�
21
00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,944
I didn't wanna support him anymore.
22
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:11,113
I decided I didn't wanna share the money
23
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:14,741
that I was earning with my vagina
with him anymore.
24
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:17,327
I haven't lived by myself since I was 19.
25
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:19,663
It feels really empty in here.
26
00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:23,083
I'm really glad I didn't keep the smaller,
more expensive apartment
27
00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:26,295
because I would've been tied
into more work,
28
00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:30,674
which I was like, I don't know
if I'm gonna continue working or not.
29
00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:35,345
It's exciting to be able to feel empowered
to do whatever I wanna do.
30
00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:38,640
And it's nice to know
if I do feel stressed about money,
31
00:01:38,682 --> 00:01:41,852
that I have something to fall back on
no matter what.
32
00:01:41,894 --> 00:01:43,645
Entertaining men, for me, is hard.
33
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:45,772
Like, pretending that I have
to like them is hard
34
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:48,025
'cause if I'm like,
I think you're a fucking douchebag,
35
00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:52,529
then I don't really want to pretend
that I like you.
36
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:55,866
'Cause, like, when I'm working at the bar
or when I'm working at the coffee shop,
37
00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:58,619
I can just be like, fuck you,
I don't like you.
38
00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:00,013
Like, if I'm not feeling up for it
39
00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:02,831
and, like, wanna blow off a date
with a guy who's awkward,
40
00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,333
even though he's gonna pay me
41
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:06,060
for three days of just hanging out
with him,
42
00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,336
I'm like, I don't wanna go.
43
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:18,138
As a result of state repression,
44
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,557
it's harder to advertise
45
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:25,354
and the results of the ads that I do place
aren't as good.
46
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:28,899
New clients are not coming
from advertising
47
00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:31,235
at the same rate as they were in the past.
48
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,946
I've gotten more clients
through word-of-mouth,
49
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,532
but definitely not enough
to make up for the losses
50
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,784
from not being able to advertise
in the same ways.
51
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:45,624
d d
52
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,253
As a result of all of this,
53
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:53,882
I've been putting more effort
and intention into other projects,
54
00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:55,717
making more movies,
55
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,427
finding other ways to continue
56
00:02:57,469 --> 00:03:01,014
to engage with sexuality
and sexual expression
57
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,099
as a part of making art.
58
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:04,101
You're used to coming.
-Mm-hmm.
59
00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:05,435
You're not used to waiting.
60
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:07,437
You have to ask permission
before you come.
61
00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:10,274
That was a tactical error
on my part right there, wasn't it?
62
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,441
No.
63
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:16,280
The bulk of my portfolio
across mediums
64
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,574
is somehow related to sexuality.
65
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:19,449
I can direct.
66
00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:22,578
I'm also open to you guys
doing what you want.
67
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:23,871
I'm interested in it.
68
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,289
That's not gonna change.
69
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:28,250
The particular sort of work that I do
70
00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:31,628
within that world could change.
71
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:35,591
It's hard to imagine a world where my work
isn't somehow related to sexuality.
72
00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,094
I think it's important
73
00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:43,140
that nonnormative sexual content
exists in the world.
74
00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:45,642
I enjoy documenting that,
75
00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:50,230
as well as participating,
performing, and making it.
76
00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:53,609
There's lots of people who don't identify
77
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:55,611
with normative ideas about sexuality
78
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:58,780
and find it important and meaningful
79
00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:01,617
to see things outside of the mainstream.
80
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:08,540
I think one of the more compelling aspects
of my work is education
81
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,960
and getting watch the sort of, like, arc
82
00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:15,380
of somebody's progression over time
and see, like�
83
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:18,109
you know, I can teach you something,
but then what are you gonna do with it?
84
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:21,345
It was actually
exactly what our marriage needed.
85
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:24,848
I think we both realized
that we wanted an opportunity
86
00:04:24,890 --> 00:04:27,935
to grow and learn from an experience,
87
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:31,647
as opposed to just being gratified
by an experience.
88
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:34,942
Getting to watch people
have those experiences
89
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:38,028
and getting to see them grow and�
90
00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,364
Thank you, sir.
-Transform.
91
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:41,907
It's really cool.
92
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,743
I think I'm good at what I do,
I really enjoy it,
93
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,287
I get value out of it
94
00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,957
far beyond what I get paid.
95
00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:57,673
I think wanting as much freedom
as I did
96
00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:00,634
was part of me fighting a battle
I couldn't win.
97
00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:03,887
I need to accept
that's not how the world works
98
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:05,722
and I need to find a way
99
00:05:05,764 --> 00:05:09,643
to find happiness and peace in my life.
100
00:05:17,693 --> 00:05:21,613
I was going to say
which did you like the best out of the�
101
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:22,573
if you had to pick one.
102
00:05:22,614 --> 00:05:25,784
I liked working with disabled clients
in escorting.
103
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,327
Oh.
104
00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:29,496
Yes.
-That would be super interesting.
105
00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:31,415
Their sexuality is so interesting
106
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:34,001
'cause they have to, like,
come up with workarounds
107
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:35,711
for lack of movement
108
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,797
and also not being able to
feel parts of their body.
109
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:43,343
My past does limit the amount of people
I can get close to now,
110
00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:45,304
but I still have to decide
111
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,974
if my past is something
I'm willing to talk about.
112
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,602
Secrets are hard and sometimes necessary,
113
00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:54,438
but I'm really glad
I have less I have to keep now.
114
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,274
To what extent do you feel
like the sex work
115
00:05:57,316 --> 00:06:01,653
and, like, the eating disorder issues
were, like, interconnected or not?
116
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,239
Interconnected
but not, like, causational.
117
00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:07,451
The industry gave
the eating disorder an excuse
118
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:10,704
'cause all of a sudden, I was
making money off of how I looked.
119
00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:12,831
I've had an eating disorder
for most of my life
120
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,625
and it got really, really bad.
121
00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:16,877
I ended up having to go to treatment.
122
00:06:16,919 --> 00:06:18,670
Combined with the fact
123
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,757
that I'm not actually sexually attracted
to men
124
00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:25,594
was kind of all building up
and kind of just exploded.
125
00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,638
Everything fell apart. Yeah.
126
00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,389
I almost died.
127
00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,391
Over my treatment
128
00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,852
and over being hospitalized,
129
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:37,022
nurses made the biggest difference
in my recovery.
130
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,899
I want to be able to pay that forward
131
00:06:38,941 --> 00:06:43,362
and I want to be able to treat people
with care and compassion
132
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,447
in the worst days of their lives.
133
00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:48,283
Sex work and nursing are similar
134
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:50,827
because both of them,
I get to care for people,
135
00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:53,705
and I get to make differences
in people's lives.
136
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:56,542
See just how cold the poles
actually are today.
137
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,627
Exciting.
138
00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:00,212
Oh, it's not too bad today.
139
00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:02,673
I turned the heater on.
140
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:07,302
My experience and knowledge and acceptance
of other people's bodies I got in sex work
141
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:08,971
helps a lot in nursing.
142
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:13,350
And I know how to approach people
with compassion doing that
143
00:07:13,392 --> 00:07:15,310
because that's what
I've been doing for years.
144
00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:17,521
I think one of the hardest things
145
00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:19,731
was the fact that I had to live
a double life.
146
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:23,694
I couldn't be open in my personal life
about what I did professionally
147
00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:26,154
and I had to be
a completely different person
148
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,824
when I was working
than in my personal life,
149
00:07:28,866 --> 00:07:33,620
and kind of having to basically keep
that many secrets and lie that much...
150
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:36,999
Right.
-Took a lot of�took a pretty big toll.
151
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,919
All of that was just making me feel
very, like, torn in two directions.
152
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,380
It was really hard
153
00:07:43,422 --> 00:07:45,090
to know who I was as a person
154
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,342
when I'm spending so much of my time
pretending.
155
00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,303
I can, like, tell the truth
to my coworkers
156
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:51,972
about what I did last night.
157
00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,015
Wow.
158
00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:56,643
And I think sex work
is still an amazing job
159
00:07:56,685 --> 00:08:00,564
and I think it is a very necessary part
of the world...
160
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,775
But I just don't think
it's the job for me anymore.
161
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:12,784
If sex work were decriminalized
162
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,661
and socially accepted,
163
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,663
I might still be doing it.
164
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:20,250
But a lot of my journey has been...
165
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:23,253
realizing it's exhausting
to fight the world.
166
00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:26,882
I can't fight
if it's making myself miserable.
167
00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:30,260
Part of that has been accepting
sex work isn't gonna lead me
168
00:08:30,302 --> 00:08:32,804
to the life that makes me the most happy.
169
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,681
I don't think that life is cut out for me
170
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:37,726
and I don't think
I'm cut out for that life.
171
00:08:40,726 --> 00:08:44,726
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