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I never know when it's gonna hit me.
2
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Oh, God, I'm scared.
3
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Fucking scared all the time.
4
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The point isn't how much you can take.
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The point is that you're here.
6
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The last time we did a session like this,
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the transformation was
so incredibly powerful.
8
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I had so much pent-up anger.
9
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I was really able to access that
and release it.
10
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It enabled me to be more calm and present
11
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with my husband and my ten-year-old.
12
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It was so powerful that I know
that there's another layer to access.
13
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Kink at its best offers the opportunity
to create a space
14
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where the participants have less fear
15
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about the repercussions of not
mediating their emotions.
16
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And so it allows you the opportunity
to feel things
17
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that might not be safe or desirable
to feel in other contexts.
18
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My husband and I
were really ready to split up,
19
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and I was contacting divorce attorneys.
20
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And after working with you,
I am more in love
21
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with my husband now
than I was when I said "I do."
22
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My husband and I first started
seeing Jesse six years ago.
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In that moment,
we reinvented our marriage.
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This is the very first session
that we've done without my husband.
25
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So I'm actually more nervous.
26
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How do you picture
the emotional arc going?
27
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I need you to take me
to a really dark place
28
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where I feel completely worthless
and powerless.
29
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Playing with Jesse, it opened up
all sorts of conversations.
30
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It actually really got me in touch
with some insecurities of mine
31
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that I had buried so deep
that I had no access to.
32
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At some point, when I've just had enough,
33
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I'm just gonna take over
34
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and I'm gonna beat
the living shit out of you.
35
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I'll use the information that they tell me
36
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about what they're looking for
in an emotional sense
37
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to craft the arc of our scene.
38
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Better?
39
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Oh, I hate these things on my head.
40
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Isn't that the point?
-Yeah.
41
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I grew up with a bipolar mother.
42
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She would fly into rages
at the drop of a hat.
43
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I think she had blackout rages.
44
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The premise of the scene:
to take me back emotionally
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of being an eight-year-old.
46
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What I'm more afraid than anything else
47
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is elements of my mother come out
in my relationship with my daughter.
48
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No, I just want to break the cycle.
49
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But the thing that's shitty
is not feeling in control.
50
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Yeah.
51
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It's not being afraid
of continuing the cycle.
52
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It's being afraid that you can't break it.
53
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I had muscle memory from that trauma.
54
00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:04,601
I had this feeling of anger
that I had been keeping
55
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so hidden and pushed down for decades.
56
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Does fear and powerlessness
go together for you?
57
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Yeah.
58
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I can't even see scary movies.
59
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I avoid fear at all fucking costs!
60
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Oh, fuck!
61
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The expression of my skill
in that moment is reading her
62
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to know how close she is to too much
63
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and dancing along that edge for a while
without going too far.
64
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Am I hurting you?
-Okay, yeah.
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Good.
66
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You see what you did there?
-Yeah.
67
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That was that thing you were worried
you weren't good enough to do,
68
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and you just did it.
69
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What gave me so much power
was we planned the scene.
70
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At some point, it was up to me
to say, "Okay, I'm done."
71
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I've had enough.
72
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Reach up and take your hood off
and make me stop.
73
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I am not that powerless
eight-year-old any longer.
74
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That felt really good.
75
00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:08,582
I might not have been able to do something
when I was eight.
76
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But I sure as heck can do something now.
77
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How's it feel to take back control?
78
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Satisfying.
79
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I don't want to hurt you.
80
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Kay, so don't.
81
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,426
But you kind of do.
82
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I kind of do.
83
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Punch me here.
84
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You know, I'd done other types of therapy,
85
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and nothing was as effective,
86
00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:30,979
and I think different types work
for different people.
87
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How can you fucking do that to a child?
88
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I was so little.
89
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What kind of fucking mother
does that to her kid?
90
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Oh, fuck.
91
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I am so not my fucking mother.
92
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I am so fucking grateful to you.
93
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Oh, yeah? What for?
94
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'Cause regular therapy
doesn't work for me.
95
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,386
I...
96
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:07,850
need something physical
in order to access the pain.
97
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:11,228
The work you're doing in therapy
informs what's desirable here with me.
98
00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:12,771
That's how I work.
99
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:14,898
It's not how everybody works,
but that's how I work.
100
00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,525
I needed something physical.
101
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:20,737
Otherwise, I was gonna start causing
some harm to the people I love the most.
102
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:24,199
I hope that your bruises
are as dark as mine.
103
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:36,628
That was so easy.
104
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:42,843
That is, like, the easiest $1.200
I've ever made.
105
00:05:42,885 --> 00:05:44,803
I'm really happy.
106
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:51,018
We ate some sushi and we drank wine
107
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and we just talked,
108
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and the actual sex lasted two minutes.
109
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Not shitting you. Two minutes.
110
00:06:04,153 --> 00:06:08,153
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8514
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