All language subtitles for New Girl - 04x06 - Background Check.WEB-DL.English.HI.C.orig

Cece went on a date last night?

Schmidt, why don't you
just read my text messages

while I'm in the shower
like you normally do?

Our Cece has taken a lover?
Good for him.

- Don't get weird, Schmidt.
- I'm not being weird.

I just said good for him.

You know, I've camped
in that forest, too

The babbling brook, the
beautiful mountains,

little secret trailway that's
only open seasonally,

and when it is, let me tell you
something, bring a camera.

Cool, not weird at all.

Good, you're all here.

I just got a tip
from my buddy Dugan.

My academy background
check is today and I need

- everybody's help.
- Can't do it, bro.

Going to the outlet mall today.
I'm gonna look like

- a rich person from three years ago.
- Can't... You can't go

- to the outlet mall today. Not today.
- Yeah, you can't

- go to the outlet mall today.
- Why?

It's a weekend... what
are you, crazy? Unless you

- got a game plan.
- I have a game plan.

SCHMIDT: Grab a quick
smoothie, power up.

Do my leg stores first.
Pants, socks, shoes.

Hats and accessories last,
then one sweet treat

for the road.
Most likely a cinnamon pretzel.

- I'm in. (laughs)
- That sounds like a tight afternoon.

- I'm in for sure.
- What the hell, dude?

I do want to be part
of the pretzel.

This is my life. If I don't
pass the background check,

then I fail out
of the police academy.

Guys, this is an
all-hands-on-deck situation.

If we don't help him, Winston

will never become
a cop. Remember?

He-He handcuffed
his cat's paw

to a radiator and
then lost the key.

In my defense, I was
making a Christmas card, so...

Okay, you know what... I'm gonna
cancel my plans with Cece.

I'll find out about
her date with Paul later.

A ridiculous name.
Oh, hey, my name is

Puh-ha... Pau...

- I don't even know how to pronounce that.
- It's Paul.

I'll take that Paul, I'll take
him to a water park, I will.

I'll put him on one of those
waterslides between

two obese people and he'll
get smushed to death.

Die in a... Die in a water...
He'll die between

- the obese people before he
drowns in the water. - What?

- Hmm? - Schmidt, that is exactly the
kind of talk we can't have today

when the LAPD comes here.

Um... the, uh,
cops are coming here?

- Yes.
- Like, here, here?

- Yes.
- Like, to our home,

w-where we keep our stuff?

Why can't we just
go there? We'll just

go there, a-answer some
questions, get an ice coffee

- on the way back... I really feel like
ice coffee. - It's a home visit, Jess.

And not just from
any cop. It's from

Sergeant Tess Dorado. The Fish.

I'm pretty sure they
call her The Fish because

she's tough but fair,

- just like most fish I've interacted with.
- Winston, "Dorado" is a fish.

It's a subset of mahi-mahi
and it pairs very nicely

- with citrus, you oaf.
- I'm not a oaf, you're a oaf, stupid.

- So... You're dumb. Shut up.
- Also, put on

some underpants, please. It's
like a bounce house down there.

Do you guys think that the cops
are gonna go through our stuff?

What are you afraid of? They'll
look through your dream journal?

- No, I just...
- What, are you running a sweatshop

back there for skirts that look
like curtains?

- Actually...
- What'd you-What'd you, steal a kiss and

hide it in an envelope?
(all laugh)

I have a bag of meth
in my closet.

Oh, I know it's in
here somewhere...

Oh, oh, ooh. These are my
"bad decision" hats.

- Bad decision, right?
- How do you

- not know where a bag of meth is?
- Find it and get rid of it.

- Find it, get rid of it.
- Jess, why do you have meth in your closet?

Do you remember that day
when I was trying to convince you guys

to come with me to that waffle restaurant
in the Antelope Valley that I found?

And you were like,
"That's way too far to go for waffles."

Turns out you were right...
How good can a waffle really be?

- That's the question I answered that...
- Tell us the story faster.

- Your waffle story sucks. - Where is the bag
of crystal methamphetamine, you dummy?

Okay, fine.
Do you see that footstool?

I bought it at a garage sale.

Turns out the top opens up

and when I opened up the top,

I found... here it is...

this.

COACH:
Holy frickin' what?

(whoops)
Aah!

- Oh, hey. How do I look?
- Terrible.

- N-Not for me.
- Not great. - Like crap.

- Go change.
- I don't like any of it.

Wow. You guys
are like rubbing alcohol.

You sting me in the now,
but save me in the later.

- All right.
- Okay, Winston cannot find out about this.

Because if he doesn't know,
he can't get in trouble, and

he's probably already failing
out of the academy as it is.

Also, why are you keeping this
in your closet?

What am I supposed to do,
notify the authorities? I'm sorry, Officer,

I found this bag of meth
in a footstool

I bought at a garage sale.
Uh, no.

My closet is safe. The only
person who goes in there

is me when I'm naked and/or sad.

Hey.
Much better, right?

I found it on the lawn.

(chuckles)

And that's the whole story.

So, you guys ready?
She's on her way.

Why don't you go wait
for her downstairs?

Don't make her buzz up
like a shawarma boy.

Good idea, good idea.

This way, I get to tell
her my sidewalk joke.

You remember
the sidewalk joke, right?

There's a man on the s...

How's it...?
There's a man on the...

Oh, you know, okay...

Everybody just calm down.

Especially you, Nick,
you're already sopping wet.

Lying makes me sweat.
I can't lie.

It's why I don't play poker
or talk to pregnant ladies.

No one has to lie.
I'm just going to get rid of it.

(mutters anxiously)

I'm gonna call Cece.

She knows about this stuff.

She lived one summer in Milan

with a guy named Crystal Randy.

- Ask her about the date.
- Hey, Cece,

quick question.
How does one get

rid of a bag of meth?
Call me back.

- Ask her if Paul is taller than me.
- Stop it.

- Did she surrender her virtue?
- Hey.

- Throw it in the trash.
- I can't see it.

I can't see where it goes,
'cause then when she comes

in here, I'll just yell "trash!"
I'll yell "trash!"

Cover your ears
and sing "Landslide."

- SCHMIDT: Let's call Cece again.
- # Took my love and I took it down d

We need to get this
back in my closet...

I could see your lips moving.

Well, close your eyes.
(Nick singing)

Throw it out the window, okay?

I'll sneak down there,
I'll toss it in

the Dumpster.
Here.

- Oh!
- JESS: Oh, my God!

- What the heck, Jess?
- JESS: I threw like a boy!

- I've always thrown like a boy!
- You almost hit me in the face!

- What are you, nuts?
- Overhand?

Oh, well, Winston's a goner.

You know, this building
used to be a biscuit factory.

And apparently, the mice
have not been told

it's gone residential.

Was that a joke?

I hate jokes.

- # ...of changing
- JESS: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

- # 'Cause I built
- We just have to hide this.

- # My whole life around you
- Throw it in here.

- Come on!
- I was bringing it to you!

Why does everybody
keep asking me to throw stuff?

SCHMIDT:
Work on your aim!

- This is actually a really good song.
- Nick, stop singing!

- Where are we gonna put this?
- Put it in the baggie!

Fun Saturday?

No. My bird died.

Well, my mom used to say

when a bird dies,

he gets another set
of wings in heaven, so...

Well, that bird was
going straight to hell.

Welcome to our home.

I will ask you questions.
You will ask me no questions.

In pursuit of that,

I will offer up three
personal facts:

I was born in St. Louis,

I have three brothers,
two of whom

were killed in separate
plane crashes,

and...

I like music.

Good? Good.

Now, let's get started...

My name is Nick.

Nicholas Miller?

I-I don't... I don't know.

SCHMIDT:
Hah!

He's just messing
around with you.

He's our resident clown here.

DORADO:
Let's keep this simple.

I need to be home in time

to feed my bird.

Oh, God.

(light clattering)

Uh, green grape?
Would you like...?

No, thanks.

I already had my grapes.

Jess!

I got your message.

Where's the freaking me...

Play along, or
Jess goes to jail.

- What are you doing?
- Hey.

Look, it's my girlfriend Cece.

- What's up, Cece?
- Ah, it's his girlfriend Cece.

WINSTON: Girlfriend?
Oh, my goodness,

you guys are back together?

- Yeah.
- No, uh...

Like I always say, you can't put

peanut butter and jelly
on the same shelf

and expect 'em not to mix.

'Cause somebody got
to eat a sandwich.

- It's exciting.
- Yeah, no.

Moving on. Miss Day,

in your own words, please state

why Cadet Bishop
would be an asset

to the Los Angeles
Police Department.

- A few kind words. Known me
for a long time. - Yeah.

- It's your boy Winnie the Bish.
- Oh!

(light clattering)

I have to go to the bathroom.

WINSTON:
If you guys will excuse me

for just one second.

Okay.

Will somebody answer
the question so I can write it

on the form and we can get on
with our lives?

Why would Bishop
make a good police officer?

- Mustache.
- I'm sorry?

Because, uh,
Winston has a mustache.

And, uh, police officers
all have mustaches.

No, they don't. Not the ladies.

Unless the ladies want to.

Why can't a lady
have a mustache?

She can. And it would look sexy.

Would you like a green grape
shoved in your...

given to your mouth?
Handed to your mouth?

I'm asking a simple question,

unless you don't think he would
be an asset to the LAPD.

- No, he-he would. He definitely would.
- Yeah, he would.

You know, Winston has done
plenty for, uh,

the, um... community.

He has a little brother
at the Boys & Girls Club.

Of course. All the work
that Winston does

with the Boys & Girls Club that
he actually does in real life.

- So much work at the Boys & Girls Club.
- Yeah. So passionate.

What was his little brother's
name again?

- Duke.
- Juan.

- Duquan is his name.
- Duquan.

Duquan.
Duquan.

And I'm Nick Miller.

Hey, let me ask you s... um...

Hmm?

Breasts.

- It's my cycle.
- Already?

Damn, girl.
My calendar is way off on you.

You must be, what, like,
ten days early?

Aw, Winston. Someday you're
gonna make some lucky girl

really uncomfortable.
Can you go get Cece

and tell her to meet me
in the bathroom?

Sure. And, girl, uh,
you ain't got a cycle...

you got a roller coaster.

- (chuckles) Don't I know it, girl?
- Mm-hmm.

(growls, chuckles)

Duquan Feldman?

I'm gonna make a note
to call the Boys & Girls Club.

- No!
- Why not?

Uh, because he's coming here.

Why would... why would
Duquan come-come here?

Because he comes here
every Saturday.

- He does?
- Then where is he?

- Huh?
- It's Saturday. Where is he?

He's at the bus station.
He's waiting for, uh,

one of us to get him, and, uh...

You know what? I'll go do it.
You guys stay put.

You're gonna go and get Duquan?

I think so.

Yeah.

You guys, anybody want to...

come... with? No?

(sighs) Where are you, Duquan?

Hey. Cece, Jess needs some help

- with some lady stuff.
- Of course.

You know how we do.
(chuckles)

SCHMIDT:
Whoof...

Gonna...

- Must be a rough one.
- You know what,

I'm gonna have a look around.

What a great i... You know what,
you should start

with Nick and I's room.
We share it.

Hey, don't mind the condoms.
We've been banging like rabbits.

Not each other.

What are you doing?
Jessica.

No, Jessica! What are you doing?
You do not put drugs

down the shower drain. Have you
never seen a drug movie before?

- I don't know. I saw Ray.
- That does not count.

I might have ruined Winston's
chances of being a cop.

Well, we can cry about that later.
We are gonna take the drugs now

and we're
gonna go flush 'em, all right?

What are you doing? Come on. Help me.
Pick up the drugs, Jess.

I think that the meth entered
my bloodstream

- through my boob skin.
- That is not a thing.

- That's not how drugs work.
- I'm the one

on meth!
Don't tell me how drugs work!

Okay.

(toilet gurgling)

Oh, my God.

(exhaling anxiously)

Could you open this trunk?

Oh, I'll do more than open it.

I don't know why I said that.

I'm gonna open the trunk.

(whispers):
I think I'm having a heart attack.

What are you... Oh, my God.

You're a mess. Here.

- Cover up. Cover...
- No, I'm not putting that... I'm not putting

- on your kimono. It legitimizes
you owning it. - Just put it on.

- Put it on.
- Okay.

I'm wearing a kimono.

I see that. Why?

Why? Why is he still wearing
pants? That's the real question.

(creaking, clanging)
What's all that going on out there?

I'm on drugs.

I'm on drugs...

What's all that clanging?

Uh, just a bunch of clanging.

Well, there's feminine issues...

It's probably the ladies
playing with their jewelry.

- Their brooches.
- You know how... Brooches. Of course.

Nick makes a very good point.

I'm gonna go check on
that right now, actually.

Uh, Winston,

why don't you show
the good sergeant

- Jess' room?
- What?

- What a great idea.
- Oh, I've had

intercourse in there.

You'll be excited to...

- I think I'm gonna take off, too.
- Nick, what is going on out there?

- What's going on out there?
- No, I'm asking you what's going on.

- Hmm?
- What's going on?

(grunting quietly)

It's gonna be okay.

Hey, what happened
to the "turlet"?

Schmidt, you're here.
So we're in a little bit

of a thing right now,
but you're our best cleaner.

We might be out of towels,
but you'll figure out something.

- Right? It's gonna be fun.
- Jess,

- are you crying right now?
- I don't know.

I hadn't noticed. Um...
(sniffles)

- I might be on drugs.
- You gonna help mop

- or are you just gonna try
to kiss me again? - Oh, please.

You kissed me back.
Your... I felt

your lips surrender. And
who's this Paul anyway? Paul.

- What, does he work in a pizzeria?
- Yes, Schmidt,

I went on a date with a guy
named Paul.

- You just need to get over it.
- Paul. Paul. Nice name, dude.

- Why is your shirt off?
- I've seen New Jack City, okay?

They all take their shirts off
in the crack cocaine lab!

Ah, it won't go down!

Hats off to the hillbilly
that made this meth.

Meth?

What meth?

This meth.

It's... legal meth.

It's... medical meth.

For my... cramps.

Wait a minute. Who's with Nick?

d I took my love
and I took it down d

d I drove around
and I hit a pound d

d And I saw all the puppies
with their d

d Eyes so blind...

Nick! Nick!

Sergeant Dorado, don't listen
to him! He's deranged!

I'm gonna talk
to this man alone.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

That is not good.

No.

So, this Paul...

I've never seen
someone sweat so much

in my life. It looks
like your body is crying.

What are you hiding?

Distraction!

Okay. You're a tough cookie.

And that's the last thing
I'll say.

- Look... - Okay, you want the truth?
I'll tell you everything.

When I was 13 years old,

I once made love to myself
behind a post office.

Oh.

Hey!

(honks horn)
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

Yo! What's up?
You in the shorts.

Hey, come here, man. Come here.
I need a little boy.

(chuckles) Whoa. No. That's not
what I meant. No, no, no.

I didn't mean...
You know what I'm... Ah.

I wasn't trying to...

It's for my friend, you know?

I need you to come over to,
uh, hang out with my friends.

No, not like that.
I just need you to pretend

like, uh,
you're in a relationship

with this grown man that I know.
Ah! Ah! Uh, I did not

think this through.
Did not think this through.

Um, bad decision.
Very bad decision.

I'm gonna go now.
Don't remember my face.

Forget this face.
This didn't happen.

What is wrong
with the name Paul, okay?

Paul is a normal name.
He is a normal guy.

That is the problem, okay?

You shouldn't be
with a normal guy.

All right, okay.

It was Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

What? You... you were...
you were with Zack Morris?

- Mm-hmm.
- Guy's a frigging god.

I mean, all right.
I've... I surrender.

That's awes... Can
I come to the wedding?

- (laughs) - You think Slater and
Screech are gonna be there?

(laughing): I'm kidding. I just wanted
to freak you out.

You really had me going
there for a second.

(laughing)
It works every time with you.

It's amazing. Now...

There was a real second there
where I had bad feelings

towards Mark-Paul Gosselaar,

and I didn't like
any moment of that.

How dare you. Don't ever
do that to me again.

When I was nine years old,

I fed cereal flakes
to a frog, and it died.

Then I went
into a period of time

where I fed cereal flakes
to all little animals.

Squirrels can live through it,
chipmunks can live through it.

Anything that lives
half in and out of water dies,

and I don't understand why.

When I was ten, I once walked
by my mother sleeping,

and I snuck in the room,
and I put a lemon in her mouth.

When I was 11, I once tried on
my girl cousin's wool tights,

and I didn't hate
the way it felt!

Why are you telling me this?

Because you said you wanted
to hear everything!

My sixteenth year,
I never got an erection.

I thought they were done.

I thought my penis was dead.

It wasn't.

It's fine, Winston.
We can fix this.

Just help me mule this crank.

I'll prepare, you mule.

I can't mule crank.
I don't have the system.

It's the perfect plan.
I don't think it is.

Jess, do you know how
much time we could get

for possessing this much meth?
Why'd you hide it from me?

- I was trying to protect you.
- I should've been the first person you told!

I could've taken care
of it, or something.

- Now it just looks like we're hiding it.
- I just...

I didn't... I didn't think
there was anything you could do.

And-and why is that?

Because... I don't know!

Because you don't see me
as a cop. None of you do.

I didn't... I didn't think
you'd make it this far.

We always thought
you'd change your mind.

I mean...

you say a prayer every time
you get on a escalator.

Why risk it?
- I just...

never really saw you
as a... as a cop.

Sorry.

Oh, there it is.

Okay. Okay.

You know what? I know
exactly what I have to do.

- I'm gonna tell her it's mine.
- What?! No. No.

Yes. Maybe I'm not
supposed to be a cop.

There's no reason
you should lose your job, too.

I once changed a sign that said
"Happy Jewish New Year"

to "Happy Newish Jew Year."

Is that a hate crime?
Stop talking, stop sweating.

What is wrong
with you people?! Enough!

Sarge, I have something
I need to tell you.

Wait! Sergeant!

My name is Jessica Day,

and this is my meth.
- DORADO: What?!

Jess, No. I won't
accept that. So...

The bathroom is covered in meth.

Meth that belongs to me.

And it may have intoxicated me

through the skin on my breasts.

But I assure you,
no one here had

any prior knowledge
of any of this.

Especially Winston.

And I don't want him
to go down for my mistake.

You'd be lucky
to have him as a cop.

Take me downtown
to the all-lady fur factory.

Okay, cuff me.

Somebody bring me handcuffs.
I'm guilty.

Is she cuffing me?

I can't see
what's going on up there.

Do you feel anything?

Does meth make you feel,
like, normal,

but, like... like
your face feels, like, scratchy?

Oh, no, that's just
the carpet on my face.

Here's the way this
is gonna go down.

I'm gonna go in the bathroom,
have a look around.

You will stay here.

You will not move,

you will not talk,

you will not think

unless they're thoughts
about not moving.

Winston, I'm so sorry.

I ruined everything.

You would have been
such a good cop.

You would have made
someone really lucky

to have you as a partner.

I always imagined I'd have
a partner named Robertson.

- That would have been perfect.
- Yeah.

"Robertson, you're on the edge!

- You've gone too far!"
- No, no, no.

See, the thing about me and
Robertson is that we're tight.

You know, then I went ahead
and slept with his wife.

- I don't know why...
- Why would you do that?

I don't know why I would do that.
The job really gets to you.

You know,
it's stressful out there.

This might not be
the right moment but...

for what it's worth, I did it.

- I kept a secret.
- Well, congratulations, Nick.

You have the willpower
of a six-year-old.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry about the
whole kissing thing.

Oh, you don't have to apologize.

I did... kiss you back a little.

- So, should we tell Paul together?
- Oh.

Well, what do you think
he's doing right now?

Do you think he's
explaining to the air-brusher

that that really
is his name? Paul?

And that he wants that painted

across the back of
his denim jacket?

It's a normal name.

(whispering):
Hey, Nick?

When I'm in prison,
write, dance, sing...

live your life.

And if you come
and visit me in jail,

please don't wear that robe.

It's a kimono.

Well, this is a first.

These are aquarium rocks.

So, that's
the street name for...

No. These are actual
aquarium rocks.

You were trying to flush rocks
down your toilet.

Oh, what?!
- Oh.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

That's great!
Yes! Awesome!

So we're not going to prison?

(Cece laughing)

So, did Winston pass
the background check?

Of course.
He's one of our best cadets.

His test scores are high,
he's passionate, hardworking.

He's gonna make
one hell of a cop.

But he won't work in narcotics.

You get to be a cop!

Yay!

(all chatting happily)

Congrat... congrat...
Congratulate...

Really? No, we're
celebrating Winston.

- Celebrating Winston. Okay.
- All right, we'll celebrate Winston.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Excuse me.
Please consider moving.

I have no idea

why you live with these people.

What kind of person would
urinate on an electrical socket?

I... I thought
it would make lightning.

- I told you that wouldn't work, Nick.
- COACH: Hey!

Guess who's here like he
normally is every Saturday!

It's Duquan!

Big brother Wimstons.

Oh.

I love you, Mr. Wimstons.

I go from no hope to hope.

He take me and he says to me,
"You're gonna be somebody.

"You-You could be
the presidents,

or Statues of Liberties."

- Is that right?
- We make homework togethers.

He buys me toys,
and we chase each others,

and we laugh at the sun.

This feels good, man.

Yeah.

Like I got a new friend.

- Me, too.
- Duquan.

- Right.
- Hanging out.

It's Jose, so...

Yeah, I like Duquan, though.

Yeah, but my name's Jose.

Like outlet malls?

- I love outlet malls.
- Ah, me, too, man.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. That's awesome.

On the weekend, though? Mm.

Yeah, but I mean, I have
a strategy, you know.

Like, I start out
with a smoothie,

and then do my leg stores first.

- Then, I... Yeah.
- I do the same, but I end it with pretzel.

- Pretzel. I...
- Shut up.

- Cinnamon pretzel?
- Oh, my God.

- Dude, don't, don't,.
- No, you don't.

- Don't.
- No, you don't.

You want to play a tickle game?