Original subtitles

BOY: The French have said au revoir to the franc.

The Germans have said Auf Wiedersehen

to the Deutsche Mark.

And the Portuguese have said...

whatever to their thing.

Go!

Now it's our turn to say good-bye to sterling.

This Christmas, we are going to get the euro.

Good-bye, old pounds.

Everyone says we're going to miss you.

Faster! Faster! Come on!

Faster! Go!

I can't see you!

Where are you?

I'm over here.

This is the main drag along here.

That's Portland.

Bisecting that at right angles is Lundy on that side.

On this side is Fastnet.

What's yours?

Cromarty.

Cromarty and German Bight.

Cul de sac, over there.

( indistinct shouting )

Keep pedaling! Come on!

Beat ya!

( chattering )

Upstairs!

This is my room.

And mine.

Get your own room.

( rapid hammering )

( shouting )

( hammering )

Whoa.

( laughing )

Whoa, look at that.

Whoa.

The patron saint of house removals is Saint Anne.

Did you know that?

No, I didn't know that, no.

Yeah, she lived

in the desert, obviously,

and when she wanted to move house, angels came

picked up her house and took it to Italy.

Handy.

MAN: What about these two?

She was our Lady's mother.

What you on about, Damian?

Saint Anne-- I've got her picture.

No, I don't care. Just get in the car, will you?

We're going. Go on.

Get in the car.

Was she in it at the time?

Who?

Saint Anne, when the angels did the,

you know, the airlift.

I don't know.

( woman laughing )

( laughing echoing )

WOMAN: Look at you.

You look like a little angel.

( honking )

DAMIAN: "Start with the money."

That's what our Anthony says.

That's what people want to know about.

Like if you're moving house,

you don't say, "We're moving house

and the new one's got a green door."

You say how much you're paying,

how much you got for the old one.

Mortgage, interest rates, stamp duty, solicitor's fees,

how much you'll get if the new one goes up in value.

That's called equity.

Personally, I think, "So what?"

Money's just a thing, and things change.

One minute, something's there and you can cuddle up to it,

the next minute it's gone, like a malteser.

That goes in the kitchen.

Is this fantastic or what?

Surprisingly spacious, with attractive views.

And anyway, in the end,

it turns out it wasn't about the money after all.

Good lad.

Watch it, lads. Up to the main bedroom.

Anyone see where the phone plugs are?

No?

( indistinct conversations )

Right.

This is what we're having tonight, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Before countdown, put the oven on.

After countdown, get a packet of these,

put 'em in there with some oven chips, yeah?

It's for Mum.

The time is on here, yeah?

Okay. That's how long they have to stay in.

By the time they're ready, I'll be back.

She may already have won £10,000.

He name has been entered in a draw.

All she has to do is... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you. Hands.

Other sides.

Let's go.

Come on.

That's you. Yeah.

That's you. Get your bags.

Yeah, and your book bag, Damian.

Keys...

I'm in the front, Damian. Why?

Oh, yeah.

ANTHONY: 'Cause I'm the eldest.

Now, remember,

it's no good being clever.

You've got to be the cleverest, yeah?

All right, see you, Dad.

Good luck, lads. See you.

Are you nervous? DAMIAN: A bit.

So, everybody sitting up nicely? Excellent.

Now, we're talking today about people we admire.

Dominic. Roy Keane, sir. Manchester United.

Very good. Roy Keane. What about you, Barry?

Van Nistelrooy, sir. Van Nistelrooy. Right.

Anyone got any heroes who don't play for United?

Jack.

Robbie Fowler, sir. City.

( children booing )

All right, that's enough.

Tricia.

I don't know any footballers, sir.

It doesn't have to be a footballer.

It could be anyone.

Don't know, sir.

No? Damian.

Saint Roch, sir.

Who's he play for?

No one, sir. He's a saint.

Oh, well, that's better. Go on.

He was so worried that he might say something bad

that he said nothing at all for 20 years.

( chuckling ): We could do with a couple like him

in this class.

Thank you, Damian. I like a lot

of virgin martyrs, too, like Saint Agatha.

She ripped her own eyes out

so she wouldn't have to marry this man.

CLASS: Ew...

Or Saint Catherine of Alexandria.

They tried to kill her

by crushing her to death on a wheel,

but she made the wheel explode,

and all the splinters killed people in the crowd.

CLASS: Ew...

The patron saint of fireworks.

That's where we get the Catherine Wheel from.

I-I did say "Thank you," Damian.

Right. I brought in this picture.

This is a hero of mine.

Who knows who this is?

BOY: Nelson Mandela? Fantastic.

Nelson Mandela.

Now, who knows what Nelson Mandela did?

( bell rings )

ANTHONY: You should be careful what you talk about.

Try talking about football or something.

Keep off the weird stuff.

Just don't be conspicuous,

or you won't fit in.

( children shouting )

( children laughing )

GIRLS ( singing ): * Double, double, ice, ice, double, double, cream, cream *

* Double ice, double cream, double, double, ice cream *

* Double, double, ice, ice...

Look at that.

ANTHONY: Aero and a Yorkie, please,

and five juicy lips.

Haven't seen you two here before.

We just moved here.

Our mum's dead.

Yeah, well, go on. You're all right.

Thanks. God bless. Who's next?

ANTHONY: Works every time.

Tell 'em your mum's dead,

and they give you stuff every time.

I'm your community policeman.

( chuckles )

Obviously, there is no community here as yet--

not to speak of, but, uh, you know...

( chuckles )

Anyway, the first thing to say

is these new houses and Christmas coming up...

statistically, you're going to get burgled.

Now, not all of you, but some of you... soon.

Probably this week,

next.

When you are...

call me.

I'll give you a crime number,

and then... you can make a claim

on your insurance.

( chuckles )

Building maintenance.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

OFFICER: Uh, I'm usually right.

It's a-a knack.

Do you mind me asking... is the kettle actually on?

Um... Oh, sorry.

Yes. Isn't the problem here

that our houses are built on sand?

Sand? No.

They're not, are they?

If you store up your treasure on Earth,

it will be stolen... but if you give it away,

then it can't be stolen.

Mormons.

( laughs ): Well, Latter Day Saints.

Saints?

I know all about them... Uh, Damian,

go and give Terry a hand in the kitchen, will you?

Yeah, you, too, Anthony. Off you go. Good lads.

Now, some of you

are going to be burgled.

There are things I can tell you

that will lower the odds of it being you personally.

It's a bit antisocial, because if it isn't you,

it'll be next door, but, eh, there you go.

Our mum's dead.

Yeah.

Come on. Help yourself.

Take as many as you like, son.

( kettle whistling )

Results.

Is it completely honest?

Completely dead, isn't she?

( knocking )

What?

What do you want?

Can't you see I'm busy?

Just go away.

I don't like having my own room.

( electronic music playing )

Clare of Assisi,

1194 till 1253.

That's right.

I used to have a hermitage myself once.

I used to go and hide up there.

If anyone needed me, I'd send them a vision.

Sort them out.

That's why I'm the patron saint of television.

I was like human television.

You're the patron saint

of television? Keeps me busy...

you know.

Are you allowed to smoke there?

You can do what you like up there, son.

It's down here you have to make the effort.

Do you ever come across a Saint Maureen?

She hasn't been there long.

Doesn't ring a bell.

Then again...

it is infinite up there...

absolutely,

bloody infinite.

( whispers ): Listen.

( Damian grunts )

Dad!

ANTHONY: What is it anyway?

What are you doing with all these boxes?

What's that?

Wait till you see.

( Anthony gasps )

Where'd you get that?

You can see it, too, then?

Well, you know...

sometimes you see things,

don't you, and other people can't see them.

What? Well, you know, sometimes,

but this is real, though.

This is real.

This is real.

DAMIAN: Can't wait to tell Dad.

ANTHONY: You can't tell Dad about this.

You can't tell anyone about this.

Why not?

Tax. Huh?

If the government finds out about this,

they'll take 40% of it away.

40%.

Do you know how much that is?

Nearly all of it.

Should we count it before we go?

No, we can't.

We're really late.

How much?!

How much?! There're thousands!

Ten thousand! Fifty thousand!

Seventy! Two hundred thousand!

Millions, even.

( both laughing )

( winding )

Cash Jenga.

BOTH: Oink-oink.

Oink-oink. Oink-oink-oink.

( both shout )

Promise not to tell anyone.

What is it?

How much is it? Thousands.

Hundreds.

It's just hundreds.

No one else knows.

So if anyone finds out,

we'll know it's you, okay?

If anyone finds out,

we'll know it's you.

No one else knows.

Just me and you.

Here.

Thanks.

Yeah, just keep it shut.

229,520 pounds,

minus 100 quid each, spending money

leaves 229,320 quid.

DAMIAN: And we're gonna give all that to the poor.

ANTHONY: Where are you gonna find poor people?

( descending stairs ) DAMIAN: There's loads of poor people.

ANTHONY: Not around here.

The house prices keep them out.

*

Go on. Go! Go!

( chirping )

Go! Go!

Go on. Go! Go!

Go on. Go! Go! Go!

Go on!

Francis of Assisi,

1181 till 1226.

You did this, didn't you?

My first act as a saint.

What was your next one?

Washing a leper.

A leper?

You could just help the poor, Damian.

GIRL: Big Issue. Help the homeless.

Big Issue, anyone?

Hello.

And keep the change.

Well, thanks, mate.

I've had nothing to eat all day.

Oh, we're going to Pizza Hut.

Want to come? No!

No, she doesn't.

She just wants more money.

We haven't got any more.

No, I fancy pizza, actually.

Can I bring my friend?

Meat feast, deep and juicy, stuffed crust.

Two meat, please. Thin and crispy.

Big New Yorker.

Combo platter.

Do us a farmhouse.

I'll have some garlic bread, love.

We'll all have garlic bread while we're waiting.

And Dippin' Chicken.

To share?!

This is great!

Anthony thought there were

no poor people around here

because of the house prices.

We're not from around here.

I come in on the bus.

I come in on the train.

Can't afford to live around here.

Who exactly is paying

for all this? We are.

You must be minted!

Yeah, we are. No!

No, we're not.

It's birthday money. His birthday money.

He saved it.

Puddings?

( all clamor )

No!

ANTHONY: 168 quid.

Do you know how many times you'd have to visit Pizza Hut

to get rid of all the money?

1,303.517 times.

It's just not practical.

We should buy property.

See this house.

We could buy two like that.

If they knock some off the asking price.

And if we did buy property,

that will go up in value, so we'd have even more money.

Damian?

( whistling )

Excuse me.

Are you poor?

Beg your pardon?

Are you poor?

Are you asking for money?

Me? No.

Because we don't have any.

We live in a community, you know,

it's very basic.

We don't have a dishwasher, for instance,

or a microwave.

And there's no cash kept on the premises.

So you are poor?

In a sense, yes.

Brilliant!

( man speaking Latin )

Saint Nicholas of Myra.

( chuckles )

It won't all fit.

Saint Nicholas, do you ever

come across a Saint Maureen?

Saint Maureen-- she's new.

Skin care.

She worked on the makeup counter at Selfridges.

CHORUS: * Deck the halls with boughs of holly *

* Fa-la-la-la...

ANNOUNCER: It's less than a fortnight to E-Day.

That's when Britain completes transition

to the European Monetary Union, the EIMU.

With 12 days left to E-day...

my true love said to me...

The transitional exchange rate

is fixed at 67 p.

Oh, well, all I can say

is ding dong. ( laughs )

ANNOUNCER: After E-day, your old money

will no longer be legal tender.

It's pounds good-bye...

and euros...

Hello.

* They cried their tears

* They shed their fears

* Up and down the land

* They stole guitars *

* Or used guitars ( whistle blows )

* So the tape would understand *

* Without even the slightest hope *

* Of a thousand sales

* Just as if

* As if there was

* A hitsville in UK

ANTHONY: We don't have to queue up.

* I know the boy

Here we go. * Was all alone

* Till the hitsville

How much have you actually got? * Hit UK

Plenty.

* Remember

* They say true talent

* Will always

( horn honking ) * Emerge in time...

Anthony Cunningham.

Where's your dad? My dad?

Well, he's not coming. Eh?

Yet, he's not coming yet.

He said to start without him.

Start what without him?

The job is to show him around the apartment.

How can I do that if he isn't here?

* ...No expense accounts He gave me this.

* Or lunch discounts... Show me around,

and I'll fill him in afterwards.

* ...Or hyping up the charts It's what we usually do.

* The band went in...

We're looking at this for our investment portfolio.

Not as a residence.

Has it kept its value?

It's gone up 20% in the last two years

because of the schools.

He does send you to school, doesn't he?

Or do you just look at photos of them?

* ...Till the hitsville hit UK... *

Floodlights, scoreboards, stadium.

It's the dogs bollocks this, family heirloom.

Fifty quid?

Fifty quid?

I could buy a proper football team for that.

I could buy Crewe Alexander for that.

Yeah but...

this has got managers.

Dan Leavy

and Malcolm Allinson.

Never heard of him.

Deal.

( girls screaming and laughing )

GRAHAM: You said you would

for five quid. I didn't know

you were going to get five quid, did I?

Ten quid then?

Look,

I've got a good body.

( giggling )

20 quid, last offer.

* ...I know the boy was all alone *

* Till the hitsville hit UK.

Martyrs of Uganda, 1881?

That's right.

Oh, sorry about that.

I was beheaded.

See.

Before that, I was in construction.

I don't know who built this, but they were a right cowboy.

I built it myself.

Well, we'll see what we can do.

But I can't promise anything.

Why not?

There's plenty of you.

Yes.

Come on, welcome.

Hello.

( men singing in native language )

What are they singing?

( men continue singing )

They are praying for rain.

Where I come from,

people have to pay

a tenth of their daily income on water.

It's so expensive

that they can't afford to wash their hands.

So they get disease.

You don't need fancy hospitals or medicines

to make life better, just a well.

And you...

can build a well for as little as £100.

That's fantastic.

Thanks.

( men continue singing )

I'm sorry. I don't know who you are.

Mutual that, then.

This yours?

Nice.

Near the railway.

What's in there?

Nothing really.

What's this?

A dress.

It was my mum's.

Ah.

What are you looking for?

Money.

Are you poor?

What?

Damian, come in.

( over walkie-talkie ): Anthony to Damian.

Damian, where are you? Who's that?

My brother. I've got to go.

I'll come back. I've got loads.

Just wait there. It's your turn to set the table.

Loads of what?

You've got five seconds. Money.

Just wait there.

Five... four...

three... two...

ANTHONY: Who's that?

A poor person,

and you said there weren't any.

I know. But who is it?

DAMIAN: I don't know.

Just someone.

What do you mean "someone"?

Did he do anything to you?

What sort of things?

Never mind.

Look, people are weird.

You've got to be more careful.

You shouldn't really talk to them.

Anyway, I've told him now.

Told him what?

That we have tons of money.

He's poor.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Leave it to me.

ANTHONY: Where is he then?

DAMIAN: I don't know.

He was here a minute ago.

See? Loads of money.

We've been saving it up for ages.

You can have it, if you need it.

( quietly ): Come on, Damian.

You'll have to change it quickly.

DAMIAN: Do you think that was really enough?

ANTHONY: More than enough.

That's him completely sorted out.

Right. Have you given money to anyone else?

Not really.

( knocking on door )

ANTHONY: What?

It wasn't that much.

Just like a bagful.

What's that?

Scuba Scooter.

It goes at ten mile an hour for up to five hours.

We could have one of them.

We could have one each.

We could have a whole fleet.

She's nice.

Hm. I've seen better.

Close the door.

( door closes )

Look, you can see it protruding.

What is it?

It's a nipple.

What's it for?

Well, it's for feeding babies.

Did Mum have one?

Two. They've all got two.

And did she feed us with them?

Yeah, course she did. I remember.

You can't remember when you were a baby.

I don't remember her doing it to me.

I remember her doing it to you.

RONNIE: Anthony?

What?

I thought you'd done the washing up.

I did it.

What do you call that glob?

( children screaming )

( horn honks )

Hi. What's your name?

Keegan.

All right, K, what's happened to your finger?

That's quality.

Pure scary, pure scary.

Hey, give me your money.

Come on!

Empty your pockets!

Hey, you!

Excuse me. ( horn honks )

Excuse me.

Give me all your money.

Come on, every copper.

Who feels sorry for poor children?

Correct answer.

Everybody sitting up nicely?

Okay, so, as you know,

we're going to have new money in the new year.

Does anybody know how much a euro is worth in pounds?

Yes. 67 p.

Spot on.

Here, it's a little prize for you.

It's your own euro converter.

Now, who else wants one?

Anybody?

CHILDREN: Me, me!

Oh, everybody.

Okay, so, who can tell me

how much twopence is worth in euros?

Hmm...

Well, I'll tell you.

It's worth...

not very much.

Almost nothing.

To you.

But...

if we all put our twopences together

then we'll have a lot of twopences, won't we?

CHILDREN: Yes.

How many people are there here?

One...

ALL: Two, three, four,

five, six, seven,

eight...

HEADMASTER: 250.

Sorry?

There's 250 in the school.

Oh, clever clogs, Headmaster.

( children laughing )

Okay, 250.

So, if you each gave me

two pence, then I'd have five pounds.

It's not that much here, but, in Ethiopia,

five pounds could feed a family for a week.

And if you all gave me

two twopences, then we'd have a tenner.

And that's enough to provide that village

with a source of clean water forever.

It's no good to you,

so chuck it in the bin.

( horn honks )

Children, give me all your money.

Come on, every copper!

( horn honks )

Get out of my way!

Hey, you!

Hey, give me your money.

Come on. Empty your pockets!

( horn honks )

Hello. What's your name?

Damian.

Hi, Damian. I'm the bin.

Hello, bin.

Damian,

you'll give me some money, won't you?

Yeah.

( no audio )

( horn honks )

( wheels rattling )

( children screaming )

( horn honks )

( laughter )

ANTHONY: What did you do?

You did it again, didn't you?

What?

I saw what you did. How much?

Not much.

She's nice.

I've been thinking.

Why don't we give the money to her?

So, how did it go?

Well...

ANTHONY: A thousand?!

What did you bring a thousand to school for?

Can't you see that's suspicious?

It's not suspicious.

It's unusual.

How can it be suspicious?

It's our money.

( door opens )

TEACHER: Right, you lot, outside.

Come on then.

ANTHONY: Right, that's enough messing around.

Do you know in Africa, you can build a well for...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

...as little as a hundred pounds.

Just listen.

It was the most daring, most brilliant, cleverest,

and biggest robbery on record ever.

The train was here.

The train, the one with the money.

Used notes. Right.

A van comes in onto the platform here.

It's a railway van, so no one takes any notice.

Until...

( brakes screeching )

They jump out of this van

and someone got hold of the driver.

Some of them start shifting the money.

By this time, Rapid Response has been mobilized.

( imitates siren )

( siren wailing )

* It's bugging me, grating me

* And twisting me around

* Yeah, I'm endlessly caving in and turning... *

The van drives off

with a reckless disregard for life.

Rapid Response goes after it.

There's armed units, dog handlers, helicopters.

They throw everything after it.

The train stays here.

An ambulance comes. Takes the driver to hospital.

They get another driver.

CID count the bags.

There's only one missing.

Then Rapid Response corner the van.

( brakes screeching )

( sirens wailing )

Trapped, the robbers drop the lot and they leg it.

They've got no chance.

Except...

Newcastle United versus Arsenal at Highbury.

One all.

Disappointing result for the Gunners.

Please advise car. I think we've lost them.

They don't catch the men, but that's all right.

'Cause when they get back to the van...

there's the missing bag.

How do you... How do you know all that?

His uncle works for the police.

The van is gone, the train is in the station

and the cops are in the cop shop making tea.

Where were the robbers?

Where's the last place you're going to look?

Our house.

Maybe.

So the train moves off with a new driver and all the money.

On the train.

The money was on the train.

And so was a robber.

NARRATOR: Lateral thinking.

The money stays on the train

and so does a robber.

* ...And don't

* Fool yourself

* This love's too good to last... *

He sits tight and every time the train

comes to a slow bend, he chucks a sack of money out.

They've got people waiting all over the country.

It could be Stafford or Crewe.

It could be Preston or Wigan.

Runcorn, it could be.

Or it could be here.

* ...This life could be the last *

* And we're too young to see

* Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh

* Ooh.

( music ends )

Damian.

Damian, calm down.

It'll be all right.

No one knows it was us.

I don't care. Leave me alone.

What'd you have to tell me for?

Because I wanted you to know the truth.

We have to give it back.

No. No, we can't do that.

They were going to burn it.

Now, come on, it isn't

the money's fault it got stolen.

I thought it was from God.

What? Well, you know,

sometimes you tell people about Mum

and they give you money or sweets.

Well, I told God and...

Well, who else would have that kind of money?

Well, in a funny...

God doesn't rob banks. All right?

God does not rob banks.

( door slams )

Office.

Now.

Your father's on his way.

( knocks )

HEADMASTER: Come in.

The Mormons?!

RONNIE: You stole money from Mormons?

Would you like to tell us why you did it, Anthony?

Our mum's dead.

( sobbing )

( sniffling loudly )

( sobbing and sniffling )

Hey, hey, hey, Anthony, come here.

Hol... Anthony, Damian, come here.

Okay.

Team talk.

Your mother...

She would not want you

to stand around crying.

Or to steal things.

She wants you to get on with your lives

and do the best you can.

Make her proud, son, eh?

And not, you know...

cry.

Okay.

So let's stop crying, eh?

And stealing things, let's stop that, too.

Get in the car.

Don't ever do that to me again.

Look, I'm really sorry. It was me.

I didn't mean to cause any trouble or anything.

No, you did right.

They stole it.

What could you do?

WOMAN: They did give it to a good cause.

I wouldn't have done that at their age.

They must be...

You did a good job.

Thanks.

Are you from the social?

No. I was just a visitor.

I go around the schools collecting for this water thing

and try and tell them about the changeover.

You know, making sure that the kids understand it.

Does anyone understand it?

Sometimes they're a bit confused until I talk to them.

And then...

BOTH: They're really confused.

( laughs )

RONNIE: I'm sorry.

They are very sorry.

I've sent them to bed.

I want you to know that it won't happen again.

MAN: Do you mind me asking

how you came to have so much cash in the house?

It was a donation.

It was left here anonymously.

And you weren't suspicious about that?

No.

We pray a lot,

and we thought it was the answer to our prayers.

Only it has been mentioned

that you spent close to £5,000 in Comet

a few days ago.

Digital television.

( bell dings )

Microwave oven.

Dishwasher.

Foot spa.

Did you actually pray for all of these things?

We were praying

for comfort and, uh, and encouragement.

I think we felt comforted and encouraged.

By the foot spa?

And the dishwasher.

Mm-hmm.

Samaritans.

Oxfam.

Christian Aid.

For Christ's sake, don't tick them little boxes.

The ones about

putting you in touch

with like-minded organizations.

You'd be besieged,

man, I'm telling you.

Saint Peter, died AD 64.

All right, don't remind us.

The money-- it is robbed.

I know.

Patron Saint of keys, locks and general security, man.

Including up there.

I'm on the door.

Is it still all right if it's robbed?

Can you still do good with it?

Or should you give it back?

I thought it was

a miracle, but it's just robbed.

Damian,

listen.

One day, I was with you-know-who.

Jesus.

And he went up into the mountains,

and thousands of people followed him.

The police said 5,000.

5,000!

Everybody knows this story.

Loaves and fishes.

See, I knew you'd say that.

That's what everybody says.

This yours?

It's the key

to the old house.

Joint pin tumbler.

Engineering perfection.

Anyway, this kid comes up to us,

about your size.

His name was...

No, I've forgotten.

I still see him sometimes.

Anyway, he comes up with these loaves and fishes.

Sardines.

And Jesus blesses them

and passes the plate 'round.

Now the first person he passes it to passes it on.

He doesn't take anything.

He just passes it on.

Do you know why?

'Cause he had a piece of lamb

hidden in his pocket.

And as he's passing the fish,

he sneaks a bit of meat out

and pretends he's taking it off the plate.

You see what I'm saying?

And the next person-- exactly

the same story.

Every single bastard one

of them has their own food.

And every one of them's keeping it quiet.

Looking after number one.

But as that plate went 'round with the sardines on,

they all got their food out

and started to share.

And that-that plate went all the way around

and back to Jesus,

and it still got the fish and the loaves in it.

And Jesus was a bit taken aback.

He says...

"What happened?"

And I just said, "Miracle."

And at first, I thought I'd fooled him.

But now I see it was a miracle.

One of his best.

But this little kid that stood up, and

everybody there just got bigger.

Do you understand what I'm talking about?

Not really.

I'm talking about you.

Now I'm really lost.

You're trying too hard.

That kid-- he wasn't planning on doing a miracle.

He wasn't planning anything, except lunch.

Something that looks like a miracle turns out

to be dead simple.

But what am I gonna do with all this?

I just want to be good.

Look, I can't say too much about this

because of that whole free will thing, right?

But...

see this key?

Keep it safe, all right?

And I'll have a word upstairs...

see if can get somebody on your case more permanent.

* Hark! How the bells, sweet silver bells... *

With three days left to E-day, my true love said to me...

Convert your change or donate to charity.

Mm. Marvelous.

There are just three days left to E-day.

Remember the money in your bank account

has already been converted.

The easiest way to change any cash you have

is to pay it into your account.

Sterling becomes euros the moment it's paid in.

And if you don't have an account,

why not open one today?

WOMAN: Can I help you all?

We'd like to open a bank account.

Is your mum and dad with you?

No. Well,

I need an adult signature.

I need proof of who you are.

Oh, I've got that.

Leisure pass.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to ask your mum to come in.

This isn't enough.

Just ask your mum to come in.

We can't.

Why not?

Our mum's dead.

There's two free euros in here.

And you can keep the rest of your money in it.

It's the best I can do.

( sighs )

I told you we should have bought a house.

Right. If we can't hide it, at least we can spend it.

( sirens blaring, horns honking )

( phone ringing )

DAMIAN: Hello?

ANTHONY: Now, that is quality.

That is amazing. I can see you.

Can you see me?

Yeah.

Not here, on there.

Not as well.

I can see you in mine.

This is fantastic.

Anthony,

why don't we give the money to the lady with the bank?

It's not ours, and we're never gonna spend it all.

She could do good with it.

We just gave her

a grand and look at the trouble it caused.

And if we gave her 200, we'll end up in jail.

We're on our now, Damian.

Don't let me down.

( whirring )

Hello.

The speaker went on my bin.

Your dad he'd fix it, so I said I'd

cook for him.

So you get a decent meal for once.

I'm a fantastic cook.

Aren't I a fantastic cook, Damian?

Look at the size of that schoolbag.

You'll give yourselves

a hernia. Is that all homework?

No. Yeah.

And costumes.

For the Nativity play.

I suppose it's homework really.

Oh, I love a Nativity play.

Can I see them?

Yeah. No.

It's private.

Private property.

Of the school.

It'll spoil the surprise.

Am I gonna go, too?

Are you gonna get me some tickets?

Well, I suppose so.

Well, I didn't even know

they were in it.

I got told nothing, you know, nothing.

( laughs )

Are you gonna come do some chopping?

RONNIE: It's lasagna, your favorite.

( hums )

MALE TV HOST: Where was the highwayman Dick Turpin hanged in 1739?

It's worth 250,000 pounds.

York.

How did you know that?

It's York.

Glasgow, Carlisle...

He knows everything, your dad.

Norwich, York.

Why don't you go on there? You'd be great.

Wouldn't he be great?

MALE CONTESTANT: 50/50 please...

It's York!

HOST: Okay, completely take away...

You'd be a lot less frustrated if you went on yourself.

Damian, tell him to go on.

You'd like to have a million pounds,

wouldn't you?

It's not a million pounds.

It's a million euros.

That's only about...

HOST: Not York?

CONTESTANT: No...

623,100 pounds at today's prices.

Well, at least somebody's been listening.

HOST: You just lost 93...

Told you it was York.

Jim, I'm so sorry. The answer is York.

We're supposed to go to bed when this is finished.

( sighs )

Yeah, right, go to bed.

But you're supposed to read us a story.

I'll get off.

I'll see you out.

I'll see you out, too.

I know.

Come again soon.

Sucker for women.

Sucker for men.

WOMAN: Don't forget:

I want to see that Nativity play.

Your dad'll forget.

Go get your pajamas on.

They're good lads.

Nice to have someone to talk to once in a while, though.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Had a great evening.

I know what's she after.

We can't leave it here.

We're gonna have to keep it with us...

all the time.

Fill your schoolbag.

Don't let it out your sight.

Guard it with your life,

whatever happens, okay?

Okay.

Damian.

( whispering ): "Have you any room?"

Have you any room? No, Damian, Damian...

he's tired.

He's walked here all the way from Nazareth.

He's tired. He's very, very tired.

Well...

Tired. The walk from Nazareth--

people did that all the time.

And he was a carpenter, so he was very fit.

He wasn't tired. He was excited.

His wife was going to have a baby.

They weren't expecting to go to sleep... Okay.

You say excited. I say tired.

Let's try nervous... okay?

Shall we start again?

Joseph the Worker, first century, dates uncertain.

I wouldn't have said "nervous."

I would have said "focused."

DAMIAN: Well, have you any room?

Hmm.

What did he want to bring her for?

You invited her.

TEACHER: Beginners, beginners positions.

Damian, come on.

( door creaks )

The word went out from Julius Caesar...

Caesar...

Caesar Augustus that everybody

had to go to their hometown to be taxed,

so Mary and Joseph set out for Bethlehem.

( piano playing )

CHILDREN ( singing ): * Little donkey, little donkey

* On the dusty road...

Do you know how much a piece of gold that big

would be worth at today's prices?

A lot. An awful lot.

I wonder what happened to it,

'cause he was poor after that.

I wonder what he spent it on...

Can we please lose the anachronistic bag?

I don't think we had Adidas

in the first century.

NARRATOR: Far away to the East, three wise men saw a star.

Thanks, girls.

ANTHONY: Look, a star.

BOY: Let's follow it.

* Come, they told me

* Pa-rum-pa-pa-pum

* A newborn king to see

* Pa-rum-pa-pa-pum...

DAMIAN: No, Saint Maureen.

I don't think I've heard of her.

Um, is she a virgin martyr?

DAMIAN: I don't think so.

( gasps )

MAN: Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk.

Here he is,

and he's always got those bags with him.

* Pum-pa-pa-pum.

You remember me?

Mm?

I'm the poor man.

( door bangs open )

( kids laughing )

Damian Cunningham,

what are you doing there?

Come on, where should you be?

Where should you be? You should be in Bethlehem.

Come on. Can't believe you got...

No, go back, go back.

As for these...

What have I told you about these?

I told you before... Shh!

Back up, back up, back up.

Shh! Back up, back up.

NARRATOR: They tried first at one inn.

Do you have any room at this inn?

No, sorry, we're fully booked.

Do you have any room at this inn?

We haven't any room, but we've got a stable.

( audience chuckles )

NARRATOR: So he took them to the stable.

Oh, this is nice and cozy, Joseph.

( slams door )

Nice and cozy, Joseph.

I said,

this is nice and cozy, Joseph.

( whispering ): Damian! Damian!

Yes, this is where our Lord,

baby Jesus, will be born.

NARRATOR: And so our savior came, bringing peace to all the Earth.

* Silent night...

Quick, come on.

( applause )

( keys jingling )

You stay there.

( locks door )

( grunts )

( doorbell buzzing )

( gasps )

Oh, no. The keys.

( panting )

( door closes )

( panting )

( banging )

( phone ringing )

( gasps ): Oh, no!

( screaming )

Damian?!

What are you doing? Dad!

Come here. Oh, God, come here.

Come here. It's all right.

Let's get you down. What were you doing?

ANTHONY: Is he all right, Dad?

There we go. What's he doing?

Well, he found it.

It just fell out of the sky right in front of me.

I thought it was from God.

From God?

It's not really His thing, is it, handing out cash?

Why would God hand out...?

£229,320.

Blimey.

I was going to give it to the poor,

but it was really hard.

Why didn't you tell me?

Anthony said not to because of the tax.

We could keep some of it, though,

couldn't we, like a reward?

Get in.

( Anthony groans )

ANTHONY: So what are we going to do with it, then?

RONNIE: We're going to hand it in... all of it.

I mean, what else can we do? It's not ours, is it?

Hello?

I called round. The door was open.

I've called the police.

I thought you might've come home.

Everyone gets burgled at Christmas, Dad.

This will be your crime number...

so you can get on to your insurance company.

Of course they can't really recompense you for this.

I mean, they can't give you your Christmas back, can they?

( chuckling ): Probably be next Christmas

by the time you get anything... back.

I don't suppose you've got any, um...

serial numbers, security codes,

anything like that?

No?

Well, wouldn't make any difference.

It's very rare we get anything back.

Very rare.

OFFICER: We know the stolen currency is around here somewhere.

That's what all this is about.

But they can't do anything about it.

All the banks have been warned to look out

for anyone making any large deposits.

And, of course, it's only one day or two,

before they realize that the money is, uh, worthless.

( laughs )

( door closes ) DOROTHY: What's that?

It's nothing. It's nothing. It's just my stuff.

ANTHONY: Oh, Dad, don't!

DOROTHY ( gasps ): My God.

This is what they were after.

That's a lot of money.

Where did it come from?

They took our Christmas.

We'll take their cash.

You can't keep it.

You're going to keep it?

It belongs to the government.

They were going to burn it!

They were going to burn all this money.

That's a crime, if you ask me.

Definitely.

Well, stealing's wrong!

If you steal something,

you have to steal it from somebody.

Who would we be stealing it from?

It's not right!

Damian, my house has just been ransacked!

I work every second God sends just to cover the mortgage

to give you a decent home!

And now it's been wrecked.

I am owed this.

But... Go to bed.

Now.

( sighs )

( wind chime tinkling )

Do you want a story?

It's wrong.

Who says?

God.

Yeah, well...

"Yeah, well," what?

Don't you want to go to heaven? Look around you, Damian.

We're on our own.

No one is smiling down on us, Damian.

No one is looking out for us.

So we're looking out for ourselves.

But, Mom... Is dead.

She's dead, Damian.

You'll never see her again.

And neither will I.

And the money is ours.

We'll take it to town tomorrow and change it

and spend it-- do you hear me?

All of it.

Because it's ours.

( wind chimes tinkling )

( loud thud )

( louder thud )

( loud thud )

( gasps )

Shh.

I know you've got it.

It's mine.

And you're going to change it tomorrow.

And that's a good thing.

Okay.

( dialing )

When you come back...

I'm going to call you on this phone.

Open the front door.

Let me in.

And we'll take the money.

You won't have to worry about it anymore.

Understand?

( gasps )

( sighs )

You make sure your phone is switched on.

DOROTHY: You take one side, and we'll take the other,

and then swap.

RONNIE: All right.

Okay, change what you can,

and what you can't change, spend.

Have a ball!

You do realize

you just kissed good-bye to the money?

RONNIE: Come on. Let's get cracking.

ANTHONY: She's gonna run off with it.

You must know that.

Come on! How can she?

She's got Damian.

She'll kidnap him,

hold him for ransom for the rest of the money.

No, Anthony, that's what you'd do.

Come on.

Okay, you wait here, all right?

( man whispering ): It's mine.

RONNIE: We'll have to change more than this.

No! What?

That's the whole point.

Do it in small amounts,

and no one will be suspicious.

But look at the queue. Look at the time.

We'll be lucky to get round three banks at this rate.

You'll be lucky to stay out of jail.

Go on. What?

WOMAN: It's just quite a lot in the circumstances.

It's 5,000 quid.

It's the front half of a Ford Fiesta.

Is this a bank or a sweet shop?

What? I need to wee.

Tell her that.

Can he use your loo?

I'm not sure. Well, I'm not

queuing up again.

The poor kid's been in here half an hour.

You must have a loo.

What do you do when you need to go?

Okay, just this once.

You'll have to go here.

I don't really need one.

You little belter.

( laughs )

DOROTHY: I just can't see why it's so difficult.

I need to wee.

DOROTHY: It's only the front half

of a Ford Fiesta.

As far as I'm concerned, that's...

I need to wee!

ANNOUNCER: Today is the day that Britain enters the new currency era.

You must spend or bank any remaining old money today.

It's now or never,

use it or lose it.

At midnight tonight,

it's euros only for British business.

Well, if you say so, business... businesses...

Now, what was your name?

ANTHONY ( whispering ): Dad?

What? I've got an idea.

What? Dollars.

ANTHONY: Change it into dollars now,

and change it into euros whenever.

Actually, once all the excitement's over,

the euro will most likely drop in value,

so we'll probably get a better exchange rate this way, too.

What?

Where did I get you?

( sighs )

They've got a bank in there.

It stays open late.

You know everything. You do, don't you?

Yeah.

What's wrong?

How did you know about the bank?

Is this where your mum worked?

In here?

You stay there then. You'll be all right.

I'll come straight back for you.

I'll do this one.

Okay?

Don't look.

This is where your mum used to work.

Nice.

Best get a move on, huh?

Go on.

Damian, what are you doing?

Hey, what's up?

Did you think I'd run off and left you?

Did you?

Well, I didn't, did I?

No, you didn't.

The bank's upstairs.

It's closed.

And I've had a much better idea.

Come on.

Let's go and stuff our faces.

Whoa!

( all shouting and laughing )

Oh, I could've had my eye out.

Where are the glasses?

Damian wants to give his to the poor.

Do you?

Of course, they won't be poor anymore

once you've given it to them.

What'll you do then, take it back?

RONNIE ( chuckling ): Speaking of which...

Right. Mystery activity.

Champagne.

Follow me.

DOROTHY: A woman opens the door in her nightie,

and I thought, 'Funny place to keep a door.'

( Ronnie and Dorothy laughing )

This is your fault-- this.

What is?

You don't even know, do you?

You brought her,

and you don't even know.

What are you on about?

Can you hear 'em laughing?

Even he's laughing. Listen.

( Ronnie chuckling )

RONNIE: Very good.

( chuckling )

Once she's got what she came for,

she'll piss off again.

Then he won't be laughing, will he?

It'll all start again, like when Mum died.

He'll be angry. Maybe she, you know, she won't.

She'll stay.

Oh, great. Much better.

Is that what you want?

Her in there with him instead of Mum?

Why are you angry with me?

Because you did it--

you and your weird stuff:

chucking money away, talking to yourself,

seeing things.

I don't. I mean, maybe I do, but...

And me sticking up for you.

For what?

The truth is, you're a loony.

Don't say that, Anthony.

Please don't say that.

You're just a loony,

and you should be locked up.

( phone vibrating )

POOR MAN: Be at the front door with the money in ten minutes.

( phone beeps )

*

Damian.

We were, uh...

I was just...

( doorbell rings )

Dad, don't answer it.

Dad, don't!

RONNIE: What is going on?

DAMIAN: Please? WOMAN: See these little girls?

My girls.

These are the girls

that Santa Claus forgot.

You're our last hope.

We haven't even got our bus fare home,

because there's no point in going back

if you don't help us. They'll chuck us out.

Who is it?

MAN: Excuse me.

Hedgehogs like these need your help.

50% of families with a chronically ill child

break up.

You may be asking yourself,

"Why does Waterloo Station need friends?"

Well, let me explain.

This is the middle of the night.

This is a private house.

Who are you?

Will you get out, please?

Do you mind just leaving?

Will you go? Go on. You and your Hedgehogs, get out.

MAN: It's two euros a month.

I mean, it's-it's absolutely nothing.

( all talking over each other )

Just shut up, will you?!

Damian?

Damian?!

( panting )

( police sirens blaring )

WOMAN: This is the same donkey as he looks after just a few months

in our sanctuary.

I-I think you'll agree.

All right, love, put him down. Shall we?

( people speaking indistinctly )

( panting )

OFFICER: You'd better tell me how this started.

I have no idea.

Someone must've said something strange.

Digital?

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

How do you find it?

I'm yet to be convinced.

Well, you can come and have a look

when you get rid of that lot.

Mm-hmm, one step at a time, eh?

Any chance of a bit of toast?

You do that.

I'll have a look around.

Evening, lad.

( grunting )

You.

Where is he?

I don't know.

Huh?! Where is he?!

Upstairs.

( grunting )

( grunts )

Peaceful, isn't it?

Who are you?

Huh?

Who am I?

Who are you?

We're the police.

( wind whistling )

( train whistle blows )

DAMIAN: Oh.

I know you're only a dream,

but I don't care.

It's nice to see you

even if you're just a dream.

The money just makes everything worse.

I've got something for you

from Reader's Digest.

Here.

You may have already won

£10,000.

Please, will you talk to me?

Five minutes, okay?

Now, don't interrupt.

I'm dead. I know what I'm talking about, okay?

You need to use conditioner on your hair.

Your dad won't think of that,

but it makes all the difference.

Me.

You are not to worry about me.

You have been worrying about me, haven't you?

I'm fine.

Anthony.

He seems to have taken it better than you,

but he hasn't.

He's got a good heart. He just...

He doesn't know where it is.

Damian?!

He's going to need you. Be good to him.

Dad doesn't believe.

MUM: Doesn't believe what?

Any of it. Anything.

He mustn't do or he wouldn't.

Couldn't you talk to him?

He can't see me.

Mum, is it because of the money?

In a way.

The money makes it harder to see what's what.

( laughs )

You know that already.

Never really win with those things anyway.

You just end up with books

about the building of the American railways.

It's her, isn't it?

Your dad and her.

Damian?

( sighs )

You know how complicated the money was?

Well, people are even more complicated.

You need to remember

that there's nearly always

enough good around to be going on with.

You've just got to have a bit of faith, you know.

If you've got faith in people, that makes them stronger.

And you...

You've got enough to sort all three of you out.

Hey, that's

why I'm counting on you.

I haven't really been worried about you.

I've just been missing you.

That's allowed.

Are you really a saint?

Well,

the criteria's very strict.

It's not just a case of doing good and all that.

You do have to do an actual miracle.

So...

I'm in there. Of course I am.

What was your miracle?

Don't you know?

It was you.

Hey.

Aren't you gonna say good-bye?

Bye.

Did you see her?

What did she say?

She said to tell you not to worry.

It's all gonna be all right.

She's looking out for you.

Come on.

( sighs )

DOROTHY: Well,

it was fun while it lasted, eh?

Look, there's no easy way to say this, but, uh,

I put a bit to one side

for me to spend.

You can have it back.

DAMIAN: Dorothy, 6,310 euros.

All the best, eh?

RONNIE: Dollars.

It's just a few grand.

DAMIAN: Dad.

Ten, really.

DAMIAN: $11,400.

RONNIE: I was going to tell you.

I sort of kept them by mistake.

DAMIAN: Anthony.

I just enjoyed having a wedge.

It wasn't really the money.

I just liked having it.

DAMIAN: 4,780 euros.

Dorothy wanted a holiday of a lifetime.

Dad wanted to pay off all his credit cards.

Come on, Dad.

DAMIAN: Anthony wanted one Game Boy Advanced XP,

one PlayStation 3, a Shogun new BMX bike,

a Rakia 500 super quad bike,

Nimbus 2000 electromagnetic stair rider,

a tabletop candy floss maker,

an iPod, obviously, an iBot, obviously.

ANTHONY: What's going on?

Be patient!

And a stamp on it hydraulic rocket

capable of attaining altitudes of over 100 meters.

Three.

Two.

One.

( loud rumbling )

That's how Anthony would want this diary to end,

with big piles of stuff.

But it's not his story.

It's mine.

( speaking French )

DAMIAN: This is where I want it to end.

* Children's chorus singing in French *

( cheering )

( chattering )

* All this for nothing

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Praying and hoping

* Fooling yourself

* You know that you can give love a reason *

* Give love a chance

* We tumble and fall

* Together we crawl

* Forever we'll be

* Tumble and fall

* Heaven's above us

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Living in solace

* I give you it all

* Just for a day

* Just for a second

* Just for the way

* We tumble and fall

* Together we crawl

* Forever we'll be

* Tumble and fall

* Life's not the same

* Since that day you went away

* I recall

* Like the drops of summer rain that fell on me *

* Come back to me

* Come back to me

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah, yeah. *