Original subtitles

I am sore!

What happened?

I thought I had a cashew in my pocket,

and I was digging around in there for like ten minutes!

Kids, can you please get back to work?

Gene's injured!

Hey...!

What do you want, Jimmy?

Notice anything different about me?

No, thank you.

Eh? Eh?

I'm tan!

Just got back from a week in the Bahamas.

We had a blast.

Except for Jimmy Jr.

He forgot to put on sunblock.

Now he looks like a dog's ding-dong.

Aw. ?Yeah.

We just have a ton of money right now.

Don't care. Please leave.

You know, you really do everything wrong, Bob.

You spend too much on ingredients.

You don't charge enough for your food.

You have zero karaoke.

And he's got a neck muffin top. ?Gene.

Take for example my new meat guy.

Saves me over a thousand a month.

What? Really?

Yeah, Jack Conway.

I call him Jack "Saves Me Over a Thousand a Month" Conway.

Well, listen, I got to go.

Got to show more people my tan.

Hey, look at this!

New spindle thingy,

straws, toilet paper.

Probably should have gotten that a long time ago.

Wow, our shopping list is really piling up this month.

Hey, if we want to save money, why don't we call that meat guy?

What was his name... Jack something?

We already have a meat guy.

We've been with him for years. Demitri.

Yeah, but sounds like this other guy

could help us out a little.

I mean, it is just a phone call.

Yeah, it's just a phone call!

Just a phone call.

It's a phone call!

I'm glad you called.

And now you're here.

And now I'm here.

And I'm sure I can save you guys some money.

Well, it's just we only buy the best cuts,

so I don't even know if you can...

$400. What?

Based on what you told me on the phone,

I bet I could save you $400 a month

without sacrificing quality.

Four... $400?

That's like $500!

Does that sound good to you?

(laughing): Sounds good to me.

To be honest, it-it sounds too good.

Bob, I have relationships with several small cattle farms

in Vermont and Ohio.

I buy from them at very friendly prices,

and I can pass those savings on to you.

Hmm, Vermont is nice.

(chuckling): Hey, hey, look, if you start buying from me,

I could take you up there some time.

It's beautiful... the cows love dying there.

Aw, I want to see!

It's just I'm a little concerned that anyone

who does business with Jimmy Pesto

is maybe, um, horrible? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

No offense. Oh, no, God, ugh!

(chuckles) That guy.

I mean, I understand what you're saying.

I mean, let's just say this.

He is an idiot.

But he has great taste in meat distributors.

And pants. What?

He has nice pants.

I thought you said that.

I-I never said he has nice pants, Lin.

Oh. ?Listen.

Why don't you folks just buy

a small box from me today...

a sampler, if you will, a little amuse-bouche...

and, uh, give it a whirl?

You'll see it's the same great quality at a lower price.

"Same great quality, lower price."

Yep, same great "Q" at a lower "P."

Wow, business talk.

Hmm, this meat is, um, not great.

Teddy, um, what do you think?

Tastes good... mmm, mmm.

Really? You-you don't think it tastes... kind of weird?

Mmm, I don't know, Bob.

Eh, maybe make another one.

I could tell better. Maybe make a few.

No, I don't think this is gonna work out.

I don't think I'll be ordering again from this guy.

No harm, no foul.

Hello, Bob!

Hugo, what are you doing here?

Hi, Ron. ?Hi, everybody.

Ron!

Oh, sorry.

Truth or dare, Bob?

Ooh, dare!

Yeah, dare Dad to kiss Teddy!

On the lips this time!

(groans) You were supposed to pick truth.

Your menu clearly states

that you serve USDA Prime beef... true?

Uh, yes, Hugo, we do serve USDA Prime beef.

Wrong! We have photographs of a certain vendor

entering your restaurant with a box of meat.

Bob, do you know what the term "meat fraud" means?

Is it when you try to buy something at a store

but, instead of money, you use meat?

No. ?Is it when, instead of paying your taxes,

you send the government a ham? No!

Meat fraud is the illegal misrepresentation

of one protein for another.

I'm pro-teen. Go teens!

Wait, Hugo, what are you saying?

I'm saying that the "beef"

inside that box wasn't beef at all.

It was horse!

Horse?! ?Oh, my God!

(heavy breathing)

Ugh, don't feed a guy a horse, Bobby!

Calm down, it's okay!

Deep breaths.

(deep inhaling) ?Deep.

Okay, not like that! (low gurgling)

No.

(deep gasping)

That's it. There she is.

I have no other option but to shut you down.

Hugo, I swear I didn't know.

Well, there is one other option.

I thought you just said there was no other option.

You assist Ron and myself in our undercover

sting investigation of the meat vendor Jack Conway.

If you want to save your restaurant,

you're wearing a wire and you're working for us, Bob!

I believe it's called "rockin' a wire."

No, it's wearing a wire.

It could be both!

No! ?He's wearing it, he's rocking it.

No, you wear... I wear a hat, but I rock the hat I wear!

So, you were right.

Same great quality, lower price.

(whispers): Set up another meat delivery.

Uh, I would, uh, I would love to buy

another box of your, uh, prime beef.

(heavy breathing)

Tina, baby, shh.

Your father's in the middle of a sting.

Great, we'll see you then.

He's on his way.

Okay, the snare is set.

Now we just need to shave you.

What?

Take off your shirt, Bob. Why?

I need to shave your chest so I can tape a mic to it.

Ugh, why didn't you just get Jimmy Pesto to do the sting?

He bought horse meat first.

"Jimmy Pesto"?

He might be gorgeous, but he's not the sharpest bulb

in the lightbulb store.

You think Jimmy Pesto is gorgeous?

Hot, handsome... whatever!

Look, do you want us to shut your restaurant down?

Fine, shave me. What is that?

It's sweet and sour sauce from the Lucky Dragon.

Why are you putting that on me?

For shaving cream. It's-it's all we had in the van.

(sighs) Great.

Do health inspectors even do this?

Isn't this more of an FDA kind of thing?

Oh, this is definitely an FDA kind of thing.

We're way out of our jurisdiction.

So maybe we should just call them?

(chuckles) I'll call them.

After I solve this case myself

and throw it in their stupid faces!

In other words, you guys have no idea what you're doing.

Bob, if we had no idea what we were doing,

would we have this wireless audio transmitter?

It looks like a kids' toy.

That is a kids' toy.

Technically, it's ages 12 and up.

All that matters is that it works.

It has a range of 50 feet!

Now, Ron and I will be parked across the street,

listening in and recording onto this!

Toy. Yeah, toy!

But we're not playing games, Bob!

We need you to record two things.

One... Jack claiming his meat is USDA Prime beef.

And two... Jack accepting payment for it.

Okay, I got it.

And three... me punching Jack over and over

- and over and over... - Okay, Tina, okay.

And over and over...

Listen, when Jack gets here, this whole thing

is gonna be over pretty quick.

So do you guys think you can act normal for five minutes?

We'll give you four minutes of normal and one minute of formal.

Tina, honey, I know you're upset about the horse meat,

but do you think you'll be able to keep it cool?

I'm cool. (grunts)

(clattering) Okay, you know what?

Kids, you're going upstairs till this is over.

What?! Dad, nothing exciting ever happens here.

Come on, please, we have so little.

This is our Woodstock.

Aw, let them stay, Bobby.

Oh, he's here! Act normal.

Then formal. ?Hey, Bob!

? Here comes the meat plane ?

? Right to your counter. ?

I like that song.

What's that from?

Uh, it's my delivery song.

There it is.

The-the meat I ordered.

And here's the money I'm paying you for it.

(whispers): Well said, Dad.

All right, we're all set.

Have a great day!

Wait. ?Yeah?

Uh, we should talk...

we... talk more now.

Uh, sure.

Yeah, so meat? ?Yes?

Let's talk meat. I never get to talk meat.

Okay, let's-let's-let's do it. Let's talk some meat.

Hey, you guys having a meat talk?

I mean, I bet it's not easy

lugging around all those boxes, you know?

After all, they're full of USDA Prime beef, right?

Well, you said it, pal.

Right, I-I said it.

Now you say it.

Say what? Say-say what I said.

Say what you said about what?

About what's in the boxes.

You-you want me to say what you said

about what's in the boxes?

Is it hot in here?

I'm just hot.

JACK: Eh, it's a little hot.

BOB: Whew.

Oh, my God!

He's worse than we thought he'd be.

You know, Bob, I didn't realize this

the first time we met, you're a little weird, man.

I am? ?Yeah!

I like it, you know?

I'm a little weird, too.

We're-we're both weirdos.

Here's that water you ordered.

I didn't order any water.

Tina, what are you doing?

Oh, no. I'm accidentally spilling

this glass of water on your shoe.

Whoa! ?Tina, no!

Jack, I-I-I'm sorry about that.

Oh, no, no, no, please, listen, it's fine, it's fine.

Hey, I'd better get going.

Tina, I don't know why you put water on my foot,

but you made an impression.

And in business, that's half the battle.

And we're clear.

Nice work, everyone.

Tina, especially.

Whew!

We got nothing!

We're doing another sting!

Bob, you're ordering more horse meat!

Crap.

Ron, re-shave Bob's chest.

On it. ?What?!

No, you just shaved it!

Plus, it's getting itchy.

Belcher children, when Jack comes back,

you're out of the restaurant.

Fine, we'll help out in the van.

No way... I don't want you getting your germs

all over my germ-testing equipment!

Oh, well, then I guess I'll just put in a little call to the FDA,

and we'll all LOL about a health inspector

running a sting investigation.

Okay, fine.

You call them and have them shut us down,

then we'll call us and have us shut you down!

Guys, please, can we just get this over with?

Fine! You kids get to stay in the van!

Bob, make the call.

Set up the meet for the meat.

? Here comes the meat plane right to your counter ?

? Again. ?

Jack.

Jack Attack. Hugh Jackman.

Bob.

Bob... ra Streisand!

Do these goggles work as a top?

Mm-hmm. I knew it.

Shush! The eagle is in the basket.

Go, Dad, sting his ass!

Wait, what's that sound?

I-I can't hear anything!

JACK: So here it is.

That fine USDA Prime.

Great, let me, uh, get your check...

Okay. ?Payment.

Uh, the money. ?Mm-hmm.

RON: He's, uh, scratching his chest.

Aah! We're missing everything!

All right, well, then, I guess

we got exactly what we needed. (phone ringing)

Yes, you did.

Bob's Burgers.

RON: Bob is scratching his chest

and we can't hear anything.

Uh, this is Ron.

Oh! Oh, God.

Uh, okay.

One to-go order coming right up!

That was a to-go order!

Uh, for a man named Grif... sten.

So, I'll go get Grifsten's

order ready... that's what I'm gonna do.

Oh, hey, uh, Bobby, I noticed

you're scratching your chest a lot.

Don't, uh, do that. ?What?

(whispers): Stop scratching your chest.

'Cause, uh, you're gonna scratch your nipples off.

Oh. Right. (stammering)

The nipple will come off.

Yeah.

Ah, so weird.

Both of you, really.

I-I mean, I still like it.

Well, I'm off to deliver more meat.

Good luck with your nipples, Bob!

Did we get anything at all? We got something, Dad.

We got crap! I was really itchy.

Well, you're doing it again! Well, use less tape,

'cause it's making me itchy! Fine!

JACK AND LINDA: ? Right to your counter ?

(chuckles) ?(chuckles) You know, you guys

like the song the most out of anyone I sing it to.

Hello again, Jack! (clatters)

Uh-oh. (crunch)

Crap.

Are you serious?!

You crushed the microphone?!

We're doing another sting! Call him! Get him back here!

Hugo, I can't buy any more meat.

My walk-in is full of horse. And also the other meat

that I need to buy to feed my customers.

Sure. Just walk away from this.

You know who can't walk away? That horse.

If we don't get this guy, that horse is gonna be dead soon!

We have to save him! ?Mmm.

Aw. Sweet, sweet Tina. (phone rings)

Hello? O-Oh, hey. Uh-huh.

W-Well, I-I don't know if that will work.

I-I'll have to get back to you.

Okay, talk soon. Wrong number?

Jack Conway just invited us to his birthday party.

He did? ?He said we're his best customers.

And his favorite. He said he's gonna have a Slippy Slide. Ooh.

Well, you better suit up, 'cause you're going to that party.

Yeah! ?Yes! When he blows out his birthday candles,

someone will say, "What did you wish for, getting taken down?"

And he'll be like, "No."

But it will still be cool. So let's rehearse that.

It doesn't feel great being at a guy's house to sting him

on his birthday. Dad, you gettin' sweet

on this boy? ?Louise.

I'm sorry, he-he seems like a nice guy,

aside from being a criminal.

"Yeah, he kind of seems like a nice guy.

I'm Bob. I'm nice to Jack."

Get in the game, soldier! We're doing this!

Yeah, Dad, we're taking him down!

Now, listen, since you stepped on the transmitter

with your big fat foot, you're gonna have to carry this

right in your pocket. You'll need to get as close as you can

to pick up Jack's voice. Ron, put it in Bob's pocket.

I can put it in my own pocket. ?Not bad.

Thank you. ?Tina, you got to keep your cool.

You cannot blow our cover.

I'm good. I'm just here to do a job.

Stick to the script, T. We're counting on you.

We don't need a loose cannon... we need a team player.

You got that?! Get off of me!

You're a good cop, but you're out of control!

You're gonna get us all killed! (grunting)

Oh, my God.

(children shouting) Hey, Bob!

Nice of you to gain weight for the party! Zoom!

Great. Jimmy Pesto is here.

Hey! Belcher family! Hey, Jack.

Uh, happy birthday. ?Hey, uh, kids,

you want to go over and do some slippin' and slidin'?

Watch out, my son's pretty good.

That's him over there.

Oh, there's Andy and Ollie.

This is how we were born!

I know! I was there, too!

Hey, Tina!

Oh, hey, Jimmy Jr.!

(groans, moaning)

TINA: I'm here to do a job. I'm here to do a job. Stay focused.

You missed a spot! I'll get it!

(panting) And that's my wife, uh, Marian over there.

This is them! Yeah, Bob and Linda!

Hi! ?Oh, hey, Marian!

Oh! Is she... (stammering)

I mean, never mind. ?What? No, is-is she what?

Nothing. Nothing. I don't even know what...

Nothing. No! Nothing. No, no, no, no, no, no. What? What?

Is she... is she what? Is she what? ?Is she, uh...

a good dri... is she a good driver?

Is she pregnant? Is that what you were gonna ask?

No!

We're due in a couple of months.

Oh, congratulations! (chuckles)

Uh, that's so great.

That you have a growing family.

I think that's enough, Tina.

Oh, that's just a base coat. Oh.

TINA: Jimmy Jr.'s eating a hot dog. That's nice.

Wait. What if Jack put horse meat in the hot dogs?

Horse dogs! (grunts)

Ah! ?Sorry, that one looked like it had a big hair on it.

Well, great, Tina. Now I have to go get a new hot dog. No!

Why are you holding onto me? Um...

I'm going to get a new... Tina, get off. ?No!

Um... I-I need... You need more sunscreen. Tin...

Tina, stop it. I'm going to get a new hot dog! (grunting) No!

Look at the size of this glass of wine!

It's like a fishbowl! I love it here! ?Great.

Quick snack break and then it's back to slippin'.

I'm gonna dip a chip and then hit the slip.

Thanks. Glad everybody's having fun

while I have a horrible time doing a horrible thing

to someone who basically seems like a nice guy.

We're undercover! It's part of the job!

You think I want to eat all this guacamole?!

Yeah, it's too bad we're gonna ruin these people's lives.

Should we not do the thing and just have nice drinks?

And slippity slide every day?

Shush, shush. Here comes Tina. Stop having fun.

Hey, sweetie. How you doing?

Hey. What are you guys talking about?

Uh... ?Uh, don't remember. ?Middle East.

JIMMY: Hey, hey! So, you invited Jimmy Pesto, huh?

Yeah, actually, he heard ?about it and he invited himself.

He got here yesterday. So, Jack,

uh, are-are you selling Jimmy

the same meat that you're selling me? ?What?

Oh, no, no, no, no. Jimmy buys the super cheap stuff.

Right. Right.

A-And-and you sell me the...

The good cheap stuff. (chuckles)

(chuckles) Right. Yeah.

Um, which is...

Which is...

good? (chuckles) You-you had a phrase for it, Jack.

Um, I'm totally blanking on the phrase. ?I did?

What-what was the way you described what you sell me?

Oh, you mean USDA Prime?

Yep, yep. That's it.

I-I can't believe

I forgot those words.

But if you were to put it as a statement instead of a question?

If... and hold on, before you say anything...

what would you sound like?

Um...

You, Jack, sell me, Bob...

But wait for one second before you do it.

And now do it.

USDA...

Prime... beef.

Right! (chuckles)

Brain fart... you just said that.

And I... so that clears that up.

Hey, uh, what are you doing up there, Bob?

Oh, I'm just, uh... just enjoying the view.

I mean, you can really see the whole party from here.

And, um, I just want to see where my kids are.

So there they are.

Yeah, look at them.

They don't play much.

You like ska, Bob?

Um... the music?

Yeah, do you like ska?

Um, I forget if I do.

Do-do I have to?

Why don't you come inside?

I want to play you some ska that will turn you

into an "a-ska-cionado."

(ska playing loudly) Wow, that's really loud.

Oh, sorry. Uh, is that too much?

I can't really hear you.

(whispers): I know.

Know what? Why-why are you whispering?

I know... about the sting.

Oh, crap.

Did you just kiss my ear?

That was an accident.

How could you do this to me, Bob?

You're wearing a wire?

I thought we were friends.

You lied to me.

Look, I didn't want to lie to you... wait.

You lied to me.

You sold me horse.

Don't make this about that.

So, somebody's listening to us right now?

Who am I talking to? Am I talking to the Feds?

No, I... I was wearing a wire.

Now I just have this tape recorder.

So... nobody is listening to us?

Nobody's heard me say anything to you today?

No. I'm realizing now that I probably

shouldn't have told you that. ?Right.

Hey, separately, can I take

a look at that thing for a second?

Um, no.

Well played.

I've got nervous tummy, Ron.

I've got a bad feeling.

I'm sure it's going okay.

I brought a book on tape.

Want to listen to that?

No, Ron!

It's read by Alan Alda.

Fine! Put it on!

Listen, if this is about the money,

I can pay you back!

Huh? How does that sound? It's not about the money.

Is it about the meat? Is that what it's about?

'Cause I can replace the horse meat

in your fridge with real beef, okay?

I just have to find a distributor

that sells beef, that's...

Jack, I'm giving this tape to the health inspector.

Okay, Bob.

You got to do what you got to do, and I, I respect that.

What is that over there?

Is that an active volcano? Huh?

Give it to me!

(both grunting)

Give me it! ?Got it!

Lin!

Kids, we're going!

We are minutes away from cake!

Okay, I don't think there's any hair on this one,

so I'm just gonna eat it, okay?

(grunts) ?Damn it, Tina!

I got to go! See you at school!

Thanks for having us!

Bob,

you forgot to hug the host good-bye.

(both grunting)

BOB (grunting): Uh... uh...

That crazy son of a bitch.

He's gonna slide.

Coming through! Coming through!

Slide, you old bastard!

The grass is wet! He's still sliding!

(Bob shouting)

Is that Bob's head?

Hugo, Ron, I'm stuck!

That was an amazing slide, Bob!

But now I'm gonna need that tape recorder.

Hugo, catch! No, don't!

(distorted): I'm not good

at catching things!

(muttering)

I've never been good at it!

Ha-ha! Yes!

It's broken!

Hey, look. The tape's okay.

Aw, damn it.

Happy birthday, punk.

Looks like Jimmy Pesto's still mad at me

for bringing his meat prices back up.

(making fart sounds)

So, uh, Bob, think I could get one of those,

uh, burgers from you?

Sure, coming right up, Teddy.

Know what I'm saying, Bob...

a... (hums) burger?

No, what are you talking about?

One of those special... (hums) burgers?

You know?

(hums) Looks like a duck.

Quacks like a duck.

(neighs) ?Oh, my God.

Teddy, we don't sell horse anymore.

Oh, come on!

I can't stop thinking about it!

I loved it!

Hey, Belchers.

? Here comes Jack ?

? Walking through your doorway. ?

Jack! (laughing): Hi!

What a surprise!

Uh, what are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be in, like, meat jail or something?

No, I'll probably be able to stay out of jail,

but, uh, there are a lot of fines and legal fees.

I'm still slippy sliding, though.

And for those two seconds, I forget everything.

They can't take that away from me, can they?

I mean, they can.

And they said they were going to.

Well, what do you want now?

Are you gonna sell us napkins that are really trees?!

Easy, girl, easy.

No one's killing trees.

No, no, I-I, I just

came by to apologize.

Oh. ?I also wanted to say thank you.

Really? ?Yeah.

I'm done selling horse meat.

I mean, obviously, you know.

I mean I got caught. Ha ha.

I mean, I Like, done done? (chuckl mean, just...

Absolutely done.

Just putting that in your rearview mirror, huh?

It's in the past.

Not-not doing it at all?

Not doing it at all. ?Okay.

But I think I know what I want to do

with my life from now on.

What, what do you want to do?

I started writing a book

about my experiences.

I'm calling it Friday Night Meats.

Wha...? I-I don't really get the reference.

Uh, it's a movie and a TV show.

You've never heard of it?

Yeah, I have heard of it.

He's not really a football fan.

No, I like football.

I just don't know why you would

call it Friday Night Meats, that's...

I get it. ?"Chapter one...

"It was a Friday night, and I was selling meats.

"Horse meats.

It was Friday Night Meats."

LINDA: That's good. BOB: Oh, my God.

(ska playing) JACK: ? Here comes the meat plane ?

? Right to your counter ?

FEMALE CHORUS: ? Ooh ?

? Here comes the meat plane ?

? Right to your counter ?

? Ooh ? ? Again ?

BOB: Jack. Jack Attack. Hugh Jackman.

JACK (chuckles): You know, you guys like the song the most

out of anyone I sing it to.

? Here comes Jack walking through your doorway ?

LINDA: Jack!

(laughing): Hi! What a surprise!

? Here comes Jack right through your doorway, yeah. ?

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