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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:25,333 --> 00:00:29,036 Ugh. That guy can't still be using the massage chair. 2 00:00:29,044 --> 00:00:30,511 He knows we're waiting. 3 00:00:30,515 --> 00:00:32,282 We have to meet Mom in five minutes. 4 00:00:32,287 --> 00:00:33,988 It's now or never for our chair massage. 5 00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,460 We all know we're not gonna buy the chair, 6 00:00:36,466 --> 00:00:39,068 but we take turns pretending we're gonna buy the chair. 7 00:00:39,074 --> 00:00:40,674 All right, sir, let's push it along. 8 00:00:40,678 --> 00:00:42,379 Other people want to use the chair. 9 00:00:42,384 --> 00:00:44,685 You know w... Listen, I've got to get back to work 10 00:00:44,690 --> 00:00:46,324 in about a minute, and I've just 11 00:00:46,329 --> 00:00:48,330 got to work out this knot that's right here. 12 00:00:48,334 --> 00:00:49,901 Uh-huh... It's just, you know, 13 00:00:49,906 --> 00:00:51,407 it's mall etiquette to share the chair. 14 00:00:51,411 --> 00:00:53,045 I'm almost done. 15 00:00:53,049 --> 00:00:55,450 Okay, well, it seems like you're real relaxed. 16 00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:56,957 Well, I was. 17 00:00:56,961 --> 00:00:58,928 Why don't we make it even more relaxing? 18 00:00:58,932 --> 00:01:01,567 We can crank up this white noise machine for you. 19 00:01:01,574 --> 00:01:02,875 You like gentle rain? (static humming) 20 00:01:02,878 --> 00:01:04,778 Uh-oh! Not so gentle. 21 00:01:04,817 --> 00:01:06,785 More like a tropical storm. 22 00:01:06,790 --> 00:01:08,991 Oh, what's jungle sounds? (birds chirp, insects hum) 23 00:01:08,996 --> 00:01:10,229 Caw, caw! 24 00:01:10,233 --> 00:01:12,635 Uh-oh. Tidal wave! 25 00:01:12,641 --> 00:01:14,742 (imitates foghorn) That's a foghorn. 26 00:01:14,747 --> 00:01:17,015 Okay, okay, I'm getting up. 27 00:01:17,020 --> 00:01:20,289 What? So soon? I hope not because of us. 28 00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:22,298 You know, if I were a kid, I wouldn't 29 00:01:22,303 --> 00:01:25,171 be acting the least bit naughty this close to Christmas. Oh... 30 00:01:25,177 --> 00:01:27,212 Well, you're not a kid. You're a... 31 00:01:27,217 --> 00:01:29,117 Whoa. Mm-hmm. 32 00:01:29,122 --> 00:01:32,725 I'm Santa. You just kicked Santa out of a massage chair. 33 00:01:32,733 --> 00:01:34,200 Isn't that a song? 34 00:01:34,204 --> 00:01:36,472 Umm, you're not Santa. 35 00:01:36,478 --> 00:01:38,913 You're a mall Santa. I'm assuming. 36 00:01:38,918 --> 00:01:40,752 Yes, but as mall Santa, 37 00:01:40,757 --> 00:01:44,226 I'm required to report on good and bad behavior. 38 00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:46,369 And it all goes back to headquarters... 39 00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:48,375 you know, if you get my gist. 40 00:01:48,380 --> 00:01:50,714 To Santa-Santa. Mm-hmm. 41 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,254 (exhales) Okay. 42 00:01:52,258 --> 00:01:53,759 Seems unlikely. 43 00:01:53,763 --> 00:01:55,430 Plus, you don't even know our names. 44 00:01:55,434 --> 00:01:57,535 Yeah, we didn't tell you that we were the Belchers. 45 00:01:57,540 --> 00:01:58,873 Yeah. Guys! 46 00:01:58,911 --> 00:02:00,946 Well, just try and be nice, 47 00:02:00,951 --> 00:02:02,985 Belchers. Merry Christmas. 48 00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:04,757 Geez. Way to make us feel bad 49 00:02:04,762 --> 00:02:07,464 about kicking a guy out of a massage chair. 50 00:02:07,470 --> 00:02:09,270 Ah, I feel better. (chair humming) 51 00:02:09,309 --> 00:02:11,810 Christmas morning, Christmas morning, Christmas morning! 52 00:02:11,850 --> 00:02:13,751 Presents, presents, presents, presents, presents! 53 00:02:13,755 --> 00:02:15,489 A letter from Santa? 54 00:02:15,494 --> 00:02:18,262 I thought Santa letters were kind of one-way, but all right. 55 00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:19,802 Read it already, damn it. 56 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,474 "Dear Tina, Gene, and Louise. 57 00:02:21,479 --> 00:02:24,981 "Per mall Santa number 5748's account 58 00:02:24,989 --> 00:02:26,990 "of the Massage Chair Incident, 59 00:02:26,994 --> 00:02:29,129 "you have all been placed on the naughty list 60 00:02:29,135 --> 00:02:31,369 "and will not be receiving any presents this year. 61 00:02:31,374 --> 00:02:33,909 Ho, ho, ho, Santa." What? 62 00:02:33,915 --> 00:02:36,750 Coal?! I got coal, too! 63 00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:39,993 Maybe it's fool's coal? It's not fool's coal! 64 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,700 Ho, ho, ho. 65 00:02:41,705 --> 00:02:43,606 ALL: No! 66 00:02:43,610 --> 00:02:45,011 No! 67 00:02:45,015 --> 00:02:47,015 Santa doesn't really 68 00:02:47,054 --> 00:02:48,555 give coal, does he? 69 00:02:48,559 --> 00:02:50,560 You had a bad dream, sweetie. It's okay. 70 00:02:50,565 --> 00:02:52,199 Have some eggs. Eat your eggs, come on. 71 00:02:52,203 --> 00:02:54,437 I'll eat her eggs. Crap, I already ate her eggs. 72 00:02:54,443 --> 00:02:56,211 I mean, Santa knows when you're sleeping. 73 00:02:56,215 --> 00:02:57,982 He knows when you're awake. I get that. 74 00:02:57,987 --> 00:02:59,988 He's got some kind of sensor somewhere. 75 00:02:59,993 --> 00:03:02,728 But I never imagined he'd use mall Santas 76 00:03:02,734 --> 00:03:05,102 as his eyes and ears. It's brilliant. 77 00:03:05,108 --> 00:03:07,843 We are so screwed. 78 00:03:07,849 --> 00:03:09,450 Louise, it'll be okay. 79 00:03:09,454 --> 00:03:11,021 I'm sure you'll all get presents this year. 80 00:03:11,026 --> 00:03:13,194 Are you, Dad? Are you so sure? 81 00:03:13,199 --> 00:03:14,699 Yeah, I'm pretty sure. 82 00:03:14,703 --> 00:03:16,137 I'm sorry, all of sudden 83 00:03:16,141 --> 00:03:17,608 you're a Santa expert? 84 00:03:17,612 --> 00:03:19,280 Did Santa grant you an exclusive interview 85 00:03:19,284 --> 00:03:20,717 you never told us about? 86 00:03:20,721 --> 00:03:23,190 Did you intern in the North Pole as an undergrad? 87 00:03:23,196 --> 00:03:25,230 That's not how... You know what? 88 00:03:25,235 --> 00:03:26,669 For... Just forget it. 89 00:03:26,672 --> 00:03:28,472 Guys, we can't not have presents. 90 00:03:28,477 --> 00:03:31,680 We got to smooth things over with that mall Santa and fast. 91 00:03:31,687 --> 00:03:34,321 ("Good King Wenceslas" plays over speakers) 92 00:03:35,866 --> 00:03:37,334 Hello, kids. 93 00:03:37,338 --> 00:03:39,839 Belchers, wasn't it? Yes. Hi. 94 00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:42,347 Look, I think everyone was disappointed 95 00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:44,353 with how things shook out yesterday, right? 96 00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:45,591 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 97 00:03:45,595 --> 00:03:47,196 We provided some ambiance 98 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:49,568 that might have been misinterpreted as annoying, 99 00:03:49,574 --> 00:03:51,407 you threw some major attitude. 100 00:03:51,445 --> 00:03:53,146 And if someone would have just gotten 101 00:03:53,151 --> 00:03:54,952 out of a massage chair earlier, 102 00:03:54,956 --> 00:03:56,922 we wouldn't even be here. 103 00:03:56,962 --> 00:04:00,196 Oh, so you're worried about being on the naughty list. 104 00:04:00,239 --> 00:04:01,439 I'm not worried. 105 00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:02,909 I've been great this year. 106 00:04:02,913 --> 00:04:04,847 I'm worried that you're worried. 107 00:04:04,852 --> 00:04:08,422 Everyone squeeze together and say "cheese log." 108 00:04:08,430 --> 00:04:09,530 Cheese log. Cheese log. 109 00:04:09,533 --> 00:04:10,966 No, we don't need a picture. 110 00:04:10,970 --> 00:04:12,538 We just need a couple more... 111 00:04:12,542 --> 00:04:14,209 Wait, you don't want a picture with Santa? 112 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,513 We're almost done. Guys, 113 00:04:15,517 --> 00:04:16,884 I'm gonna have to move you along. 114 00:04:16,888 --> 00:04:17,988 GENE: Hey! LOUISE: Huh? 115 00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:19,024 Wait, wait, wait! Wait. 116 00:04:19,061 --> 00:04:20,729 LOUISE: Okeydokey. 117 00:04:20,733 --> 00:04:23,000 I'm gonna get to the back of the line! 118 00:04:23,006 --> 00:04:25,540 I'll see you in 40 minutes. 119 00:04:27,386 --> 00:04:28,819 Hi. Hi. 120 00:04:28,823 --> 00:04:31,158 (chuckles) We got, uh, cut off before. 121 00:04:31,164 --> 00:04:33,599 What do you say to a little snack? 122 00:04:33,605 --> 00:04:35,739 There's a crazy rumor going around 123 00:04:35,744 --> 00:04:37,945 that you folks like milk and cookies. 124 00:04:37,950 --> 00:04:40,285 (laughs) There sure is, Gene. 125 00:04:40,291 --> 00:04:42,425 So maybe while you're enjoying these, 126 00:04:42,464 --> 00:04:45,099 which are in no way an admission of our guilt, 127 00:04:45,106 --> 00:04:46,205 just something nice 128 00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:47,876 that we're doing for you, 129 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,948 you forget to tell Santa-Santa a thing or two, eh? 130 00:04:50,989 --> 00:04:53,057 Are you trying to bribe us? 131 00:04:53,062 --> 00:04:55,330 (laughs) No. 132 00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:57,137 Absolutely not. 133 00:04:57,141 --> 00:04:59,108 Tina, milk. 134 00:04:59,113 --> 00:05:01,114 Aah! Oh! 135 00:05:01,119 --> 00:05:02,787 Oh! Soak it up with cookies! 136 00:05:02,791 --> 00:05:05,793 Soak it up with cookies! Come on! 137 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,635 We need security at Santa's Village. Code Blitzen. 138 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:11,377 Code Blitzen. No code Blitzen, no code Blitzen! 139 00:05:11,383 --> 00:05:13,351 BOB: Louise, it's okay. 140 00:05:13,356 --> 00:05:14,723 It's gonna be fine. 141 00:05:14,727 --> 00:05:17,161 Santa stopped giving you presents ages ago. 142 00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:20,203 You have no idea what you're talking about. 143 00:05:20,210 --> 00:05:21,876 You really don't, Bob. Thanks, Teddy. 144 00:05:21,915 --> 00:05:23,882 It's Christmas Eve. Santa's sled 145 00:05:23,887 --> 00:05:25,688 is gonna launch in seven hours. 146 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:27,827 How are we supposed to convince mall Santa 147 00:05:27,832 --> 00:05:29,533 that we deserve to be on the nice list 148 00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:31,672 if we're banned from Santa's Village? 149 00:05:31,678 --> 00:05:34,046 We could write down all the nice things we've done this year 150 00:05:34,051 --> 00:05:35,751 and read it to him from outside the village 151 00:05:35,756 --> 00:05:37,190 in our best public speaking voices. 152 00:05:37,193 --> 00:05:38,694 Okay, there might be something there. 153 00:05:38,698 --> 00:05:40,432 We could scratch an apology into the ice 154 00:05:40,437 --> 00:05:42,204 in the skating rink. He sits across from it. 155 00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:43,442 He couldn't miss it. 156 00:05:43,446 --> 00:05:44,980 The Rinky Dink. Of course. 157 00:05:44,984 --> 00:05:47,652 Guys. We got to do an ice show, huh? 158 00:05:47,658 --> 00:05:49,792 Ice show? Ooh, Ice Capades. 159 00:05:49,797 --> 00:05:51,565 ALL: Yes. (whoops) 160 00:05:51,570 --> 00:05:54,138 Uh, you really don't need to do an Ice Capades. 161 00:05:54,144 --> 00:05:56,312 Dad, you want to ruin Christmas? 162 00:05:56,317 --> 00:05:57,951 I-I... I don't. 163 00:05:57,956 --> 00:05:59,790 You know, I followed the Ice Capades for a season. 164 00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:01,862 Like a lot of young guys trying to find themselves. 165 00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:04,468 We'll do a little Ice Capading about how good we've been. 166 00:06:04,474 --> 00:06:06,876 And that's what Santa-Santa will hear about. 167 00:06:06,882 --> 00:06:10,284 Hold on. We could call it Nice Capades. 168 00:06:10,292 --> 00:06:12,493 Yeah. Nice Capades. Love it. 169 00:06:12,498 --> 00:06:16,068 Oh, my God. ? Nothin' better than Nice Capades ? 170 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,210 ? On Christmas Eve. ? 171 00:06:18,216 --> 00:06:20,350 Or Mice Capades. No, no. 172 00:06:20,355 --> 00:06:21,856 Spice Parade Capades. 173 00:06:21,860 --> 00:06:24,482 Oh wait, uh, Heidi Fleiss Capades. 174 00:06:29,439 --> 00:06:32,074 Okay, so, no problem, we just need to put on a full-scale 175 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,081 Ice Capades with singing and dancing tonight. 176 00:06:34,086 --> 00:06:36,053 And costumes. I mean, 177 00:06:36,092 --> 00:06:38,993 that's a lot to do, but it's not like too much, right? 178 00:06:39,034 --> 00:06:40,802 Hard to tell, hard to tell. 179 00:06:40,806 --> 00:06:44,681 Merry Christmas Eve Day. 180 00:06:44,718 --> 00:06:46,018 I got you something, Bob. 181 00:06:46,022 --> 00:06:48,290 Um, o-okay. Uh, thanks. 182 00:06:48,295 --> 00:06:51,663 Aw. Well, open it. Oh, no. 183 00:06:51,705 --> 00:06:53,072 You've never received a gift before. 184 00:06:53,075 --> 00:06:54,642 You don't know what to do. 185 00:06:54,681 --> 00:06:56,714 No, I-I know how to... I know what to do. 186 00:06:56,754 --> 00:06:59,822 Just rip it open with your weird grizzly hands, Dad. 187 00:06:59,829 --> 00:07:01,996 I don't think Dad's weird grizzly hands are that weird. 188 00:07:02,036 --> 00:07:04,103 It's just got a lot of tape on it. 189 00:07:04,108 --> 00:07:05,842 A box of envelopes? 190 00:07:05,847 --> 00:07:08,215 Right! It's for putting your rent checks in. 191 00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:10,554 I thought perhaps that's what was holding you back? 192 00:07:10,594 --> 00:07:12,762 Oh. Uh, n-no. 193 00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:15,568 It's the stuff that goes in them. The money. 194 00:07:15,609 --> 00:07:16,943 Hey, uh, Mr. Fischoeder. 195 00:07:16,947 --> 00:07:18,747 You don't happen to own the mall, do you? 196 00:07:18,785 --> 00:07:21,420 Own the mall? No. Damn it. 197 00:07:21,427 --> 00:07:23,729 I own a minority share of a holding company 198 00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:25,234 that owns the debt of the mall. 199 00:07:25,238 --> 00:07:27,805 Why do you ask? Do you wish to buy it? 200 00:07:27,846 --> 00:07:30,280 Uh, no, but you know that little ice rink 201 00:07:30,286 --> 00:07:32,553 across from Santa's Village? The Rinky Dink. 202 00:07:32,594 --> 00:07:34,328 Know it? I named it. 203 00:07:34,332 --> 00:07:37,633 I named it after my dink. It's very rinky. Hmm. 204 00:07:37,675 --> 00:07:39,977 Well, we need to borrow the rink to put on a little show tonight 205 00:07:39,982 --> 00:07:41,348 to impress mall Santa. 206 00:07:41,386 --> 00:07:43,753 Oh, not a little show. A big show. 207 00:07:43,794 --> 00:07:46,362 Oh. With singing and dancing 208 00:07:46,368 --> 00:07:48,535 and skating and lights and skating. 209 00:07:48,574 --> 00:07:50,607 And music by this mammajamma. 210 00:07:50,647 --> 00:07:52,481 I suppose, uh, I could talk someone 211 00:07:52,486 --> 00:07:54,821 into letting you use the Rinky Dink for, say, 212 00:07:54,827 --> 00:07:56,894 the last half hour that the mall's open. 213 00:07:56,899 --> 00:07:58,132 Oh, baby! Yes! 214 00:07:58,169 --> 00:07:59,903 I'll give it to you for a song. 215 00:07:59,908 --> 00:08:02,242 As in, I get to perform a song. 216 00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:04,248 You get three minutes. I need five. 217 00:08:04,287 --> 00:08:06,421 We'll kill the mic after four, and I'm not joking. 218 00:08:06,461 --> 00:08:09,496 Deal. And my brother Felix will accompany me. 219 00:08:09,537 --> 00:08:10,536 Oh, like a duet? 220 00:08:10,540 --> 00:08:11,907 Uh... no. 221 00:08:11,910 --> 00:08:13,777 I'll sing and he'll ice-dance. 222 00:08:13,782 --> 00:08:17,351 Question: How provocative can he be? PG-13. 223 00:08:17,393 --> 00:08:19,193 I'll rein him in. See you tonight. 224 00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:22,100 All right, we got our ice time and one ice skater-dancer. 225 00:08:22,141 --> 00:08:23,909 You know, if you need more skaters, there's some guys 226 00:08:23,913 --> 00:08:25,146 on my hockey team that could help out. 227 00:08:25,149 --> 00:08:26,316 On Christmas Eve? 228 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:27,487 It's a Jewish hockey league. 229 00:08:27,490 --> 00:08:28,790 We're the Mighty Schmucks. 230 00:08:28,794 --> 00:08:30,227 Don't tell 'em I'm not Jewish. 231 00:08:30,265 --> 00:08:32,366 Great. Gene, how's the music coming? 232 00:08:32,371 --> 00:08:34,505 Have not started. Started. 233 00:08:34,544 --> 00:08:36,011 Good stuff. Tina... lyrics. 234 00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:38,015 You did some nice things this year. What you got? 235 00:08:38,055 --> 00:08:39,722 Well, over the summer, I found a horseshoe crab 236 00:08:39,726 --> 00:08:41,393 that was stuck on its back. 237 00:08:41,398 --> 00:08:43,566 I flipped it over, and it went back into the ocean. 238 00:08:43,571 --> 00:08:45,572 Someday when you need help, you're gonna get it, 239 00:08:45,577 --> 00:08:47,811 and it's gonna be that crab. I know. 240 00:08:47,850 --> 00:08:49,384 Yeah, that's a sweet thing you did, 241 00:08:49,388 --> 00:08:51,054 but it's not nearly enough. 242 00:08:51,094 --> 00:08:52,561 It's not? No. 243 00:08:52,565 --> 00:08:55,065 We got to wow the beard off that mall Santa. 244 00:08:55,106 --> 00:08:57,006 We got to ratchet this thing up. 245 00:08:57,045 --> 00:08:58,378 Like ratchet it up how? 246 00:08:58,415 --> 00:09:00,249 Like: You didn't just plop the thing 247 00:09:00,254 --> 00:09:03,256 back into the ocean, you... adopted it, huh? 248 00:09:03,263 --> 00:09:05,930 And raised it as your own. 249 00:09:05,971 --> 00:09:08,171 But that's not the truth. Screw the truth. 250 00:09:08,211 --> 00:09:10,546 I mean, the whole truth is that I kind of kicked it 251 00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,084 back into the ocean. Its leg came off. 252 00:09:12,122 --> 00:09:13,922 We can spin that. Gene, how about you? 253 00:09:13,961 --> 00:09:15,729 Well, one time at school on taco day... 254 00:09:15,733 --> 00:09:17,233 which I don't have to tell you 255 00:09:17,237 --> 00:09:18,738 is like having a birthday once a week... 256 00:09:18,742 --> 00:09:21,577 I let Regular-Sized Rudy have the last taco. 257 00:09:21,584 --> 00:09:23,585 And I had to eat burned chicken nuggets. 258 00:09:23,590 --> 00:09:25,324 Wait, don't you love burnt chicken nuggets? 259 00:09:25,328 --> 00:09:27,128 That's not the point. 260 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,435 Ugh, it's nice, but not nice-list nice. 261 00:09:29,441 --> 00:09:30,942 There are no presents if we don't 262 00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,880 make a big splash here, people. 263 00:09:32,884 --> 00:09:35,119 And I don't know about you, but I asked Santa 264 00:09:35,125 --> 00:09:37,525 for something big this year. Big. 265 00:09:37,565 --> 00:09:39,499 Well, what are you gonna sing about, Louise? 266 00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:41,372 I got lots of stuff. You do? 267 00:09:41,376 --> 00:09:44,311 I do. I mean, I will. Some of the nicest stuff 268 00:09:44,318 --> 00:09:47,353 anyone's ever done is what I'm gonna sing about. 269 00:09:47,394 --> 00:09:49,328 I'm pretty sure there's a preset on here 270 00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:51,101 for 30-minute Ice Capades show. 271 00:09:51,105 --> 00:09:55,073 (farting sounds) No. No. Hmm. 272 00:09:56,521 --> 00:09:59,190 Here comes trouble. Oh, brother. 273 00:09:59,196 --> 00:10:02,530 Hi. Uh, my wife sent me here for costume supplies. 274 00:10:02,573 --> 00:10:04,906 I'm glad you're still open. I just need a few things. 275 00:10:04,947 --> 00:10:07,548 You hear that, Harold? He just needs a few things. 276 00:10:07,554 --> 00:10:09,688 Oh, don't we all. 277 00:10:09,727 --> 00:10:11,727 Okay, um, do you have fabric glue? 278 00:10:11,766 --> 00:10:13,733 (laughs) Do we? I forget. 279 00:10:13,772 --> 00:10:15,506 And purple felt? (Harold muttering) 280 00:10:15,511 --> 00:10:17,446 And orange felt and yellow felt. 281 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:20,252 Oh, sure, we've got those things, but it's gonna cost you. 282 00:10:20,259 --> 00:10:24,060 Right, uh, well, that makes sense, because I'm the customer. 283 00:10:24,104 --> 00:10:25,938 No. Because it's Christmas Eve. 284 00:10:25,942 --> 00:10:28,710 On Christmas Eve, we jack the prices way up. 285 00:10:28,717 --> 00:10:30,751 We jack 'em to the moon. 286 00:10:30,790 --> 00:10:32,391 Why are you advertising that? 287 00:10:32,395 --> 00:10:34,195 Also, please don't jack the prices... 288 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,302 To the moon, Chubs! 289 00:10:36,307 --> 00:10:38,241 And there's nothing you can do about it, 290 00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:40,180 because it's Christmas Eve, and you need felt. 291 00:10:40,184 --> 00:10:41,951 Oh, my God. 292 00:10:41,990 --> 00:10:44,725 You know, we're having a hell of an after-Christmas felt sale. 293 00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:46,532 Tell him about it! 294 00:10:46,537 --> 00:10:48,971 (laughing): But you can't wait till then, can you, Chubs? 295 00:10:49,011 --> 00:10:51,879 No, I can't! You know I can't wait till then! 296 00:10:51,886 --> 00:10:54,788 I really wish we had another art supply store in town. 297 00:10:54,794 --> 00:10:57,929 ? ? 298 00:11:04,924 --> 00:11:06,759 LOUISE: Hey, I just want to thank everyone 299 00:11:06,764 --> 00:11:08,463 for coming out on your Christmas Eves. 300 00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:11,636 No problem for me. Coming off a hell of a Hanukkah, right, guys? 301 00:11:11,678 --> 00:11:14,614 Great. Now, let's go out there and convince that judgy red man 302 00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:16,187 that the Belchers are good kids. 303 00:11:16,192 --> 00:11:17,925 Are we all ready? 304 00:11:17,963 --> 00:11:20,165 Almost. I'm not fully squeezed into my... 305 00:11:20,170 --> 00:11:21,703 (French pronunciation): Ensemble. 306 00:11:21,708 --> 00:11:22,808 (zippering) Okeydokey. 307 00:11:22,845 --> 00:11:24,546 Okay, we've got to be ready now. 308 00:11:24,550 --> 00:11:26,551 Um, Louise? Tina, what?! 309 00:11:26,556 --> 00:11:28,723 I'm not exactly comfortable with the whole lying part. 310 00:11:28,728 --> 00:11:30,896 Yeah, I mean, we didn't really do the stuff 311 00:11:30,902 --> 00:11:32,303 we're gonna sing we did. 312 00:11:32,306 --> 00:11:34,006 Do you want presents or what? Huh? 313 00:11:34,011 --> 00:11:35,645 No, we do. Right. Right. 314 00:11:35,649 --> 00:11:38,350 That's what I thought. Cue the music. Lights! 315 00:11:38,390 --> 00:11:39,390 (lights clack on) 316 00:11:39,393 --> 00:11:41,061 Oh, it's starting! 317 00:11:41,066 --> 00:11:42,832 Who's doing the lights? Couple of Schmucks. 318 00:11:42,871 --> 00:11:45,071 Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, 319 00:11:45,111 --> 00:11:47,913 welcome to the Nice Capades: 320 00:11:47,919 --> 00:11:50,587 An evening of warm and generous acts. 321 00:11:50,594 --> 00:11:53,029 And a warm-up act... the Brothers Fischoeder. 322 00:11:53,034 --> 00:11:55,135 Give it up for them. (piano plays upbeat intro) 323 00:11:55,141 --> 00:11:56,975 Thank you! (light applause) 324 00:11:56,979 --> 00:12:00,381 Here's, uh, one of my favorite Christmas classics. 325 00:12:00,423 --> 00:12:03,425 ? When the last present's delivered ? 326 00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:07,768 ? And the snow outside's gettin' thicker ? 327 00:12:07,812 --> 00:12:12,583 ? So let's open that bottle of liquor ? 328 00:12:12,593 --> 00:12:16,928 ? Hey, bourbon, take me home ? 329 00:12:16,973 --> 00:12:20,574 ? On bourbon, on vodka, on scotch and on gin ? 330 00:12:20,617 --> 00:12:22,217 ? Take me back ? 331 00:12:22,221 --> 00:12:24,889 ? Let the North Pole dancing begin ? 332 00:12:24,895 --> 00:12:26,296 ? It's my party... ? 333 00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:27,699 (humming) Felix? I told you no! 334 00:12:27,738 --> 00:12:29,639 All right, get your game faces on, people. 335 00:12:29,644 --> 00:12:31,244 Um, Louise? 336 00:12:31,248 --> 00:12:33,383 'Cause we are gonna rock this mall Santa's world. 337 00:12:33,388 --> 00:12:34,755 Um... Rock it hard. 338 00:12:34,759 --> 00:12:36,192 Uh... Louise? What?! 339 00:12:36,196 --> 00:12:37,629 Mall Santa's gone. 340 00:12:37,668 --> 00:12:39,200 LOUISE: Oh, no, no, no, no, no! 341 00:12:39,239 --> 00:12:41,203 No! 342 00:12:43,781 --> 00:12:45,548 Where's Santa?! Where the hell is he?! 343 00:12:45,552 --> 00:12:48,221 As you can see by the sign, Santa's gonna be right back. 344 00:12:48,228 --> 00:12:50,629 We... need him! Now! 345 00:12:50,634 --> 00:12:53,769 He... will... be... back! 346 00:12:53,777 --> 00:12:55,210 Uh, what's going on here? 347 00:12:55,248 --> 00:12:56,615 This unhelpful elf knows 348 00:12:56,619 --> 00:12:58,152 where mall Santa is, 349 00:12:58,156 --> 00:12:59,991 but she's keeping her elfin' trap shut! 350 00:12:59,996 --> 00:13:01,562 Louise, calm down. 351 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,902 Look, he had to attend to some personal business. 352 00:13:04,944 --> 00:13:06,378 Okay, Santa's pooping. No, he's... 353 00:13:06,381 --> 00:13:08,115 Everyone poops, even Santa. 354 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,620 Santa's not pooping. 355 00:13:09,624 --> 00:13:11,225 He's shopping, okay? 356 00:13:11,229 --> 00:13:13,496 But the mall closes in 20 minutes. 357 00:13:13,536 --> 00:13:16,204 He's got to see our show, or we don't get presents. 358 00:13:16,210 --> 00:13:18,211 Louise, stay here in case he comes back. 359 00:13:18,216 --> 00:13:21,017 Bob, we need to find Santa. Right. Yup. 360 00:13:21,058 --> 00:13:23,661 Thank you. Thank you. That's all for us. (applause) 361 00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:25,600 No, no, no, we want a big happy crowd 362 00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:27,237 for when mall Santa comes back. 363 00:13:27,277 --> 00:13:29,811 LOUISE: Stretch. And now... Oh. What is... this? 364 00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:32,185 Stretch. Stretch it out. 365 00:13:32,225 --> 00:13:34,193 What is... stretch? What? 366 00:13:34,197 --> 00:13:36,098 Ooh, okay. Um... 367 00:13:36,103 --> 00:13:39,004 So, uh... where's everybody from? 368 00:13:39,045 --> 00:13:40,479 Hmm? You, where are you from? 369 00:13:40,483 --> 00:13:42,450 Say somewhere good, someplace funny. 370 00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,225 Say... Nantucket. 371 00:13:44,260 --> 00:13:47,194 Oh, Calvin, you've never been good at crowd work. You... 372 00:13:47,236 --> 00:13:48,836 where'd you get that hat? Your mom? 373 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,073 (airy laugh) 374 00:13:50,111 --> 00:13:51,478 (squeaky cough) 375 00:13:51,482 --> 00:13:53,449 That's how you do crowd work. 376 00:13:53,488 --> 00:13:54,855 Santa. Santa! 377 00:13:54,858 --> 00:13:56,825 Yeah. Yeah. We found you. 378 00:13:56,864 --> 00:13:58,597 We need you. Ooh, fudge! 379 00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:00,971 Um, I kind of stopped doing ironic pictures with grown-ups. 380 00:14:00,976 --> 00:14:03,511 My lap is not as strong as it used to be. 381 00:14:03,517 --> 00:14:04,870 Nothing personal. 382 00:14:04,888 --> 00:14:08,090 Drrr... umroll, please. 383 00:14:08,131 --> 00:14:09,998 (drum machine plays rapid percussion) 384 00:14:10,003 --> 00:14:11,471 (grunting) 385 00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:13,509 (rim shot) Hey, how about that? Hmm? 386 00:14:13,514 --> 00:14:16,782 Anyone can make it look easy, but he makes it look hard! 387 00:14:16,824 --> 00:14:18,258 Come on, Mom and Dad. 388 00:14:18,262 --> 00:14:19,962 Bring back that rent-a-beard! 389 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,400 Sounds like your kids have put in a lot of work. 390 00:14:22,441 --> 00:14:23,874 So will you come with us now? 391 00:14:23,912 --> 00:14:25,379 You know, it's just that I have 392 00:14:25,383 --> 00:14:26,683 so much more shopping to do. 393 00:14:26,686 --> 00:14:28,166 I have to get something for my nephew. 394 00:14:28,191 --> 00:14:29,725 Oh, Bob could get something for your nephew. 395 00:14:29,729 --> 00:14:31,095 I could? 396 00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:32,867 That would be great. It would? 397 00:14:32,871 --> 00:14:34,538 All right, come on, let's go, Santa. 398 00:14:34,577 --> 00:14:36,677 Wait. What's he into? Your nephew. 399 00:14:36,716 --> 00:14:38,850 You know. Regular... nephew stuff. 400 00:14:38,889 --> 00:14:40,890 Well, so, like, is he into sports, or... 401 00:14:40,895 --> 00:14:43,129 or board games, uh, calendars? 402 00:14:43,169 --> 00:14:44,989 Did you say, was he into calendars? 403 00:14:45,007 --> 00:14:46,910 I did. Yeah. I don't know. 404 00:14:46,947 --> 00:14:48,580 No one's into calendars. 405 00:14:48,619 --> 00:14:50,620 I just couldn't think of anything else. 406 00:14:50,624 --> 00:14:52,757 I'll do better. Don't worry. I'll get him something good. 407 00:14:52,798 --> 00:14:56,299 So the nurse says, "Rectum? I damn near killed him!" 408 00:14:56,342 --> 00:14:59,154 Well, those are all the clean jokes I know. 409 00:14:59,183 --> 00:15:00,683 He's here! We got the big man! 410 00:15:00,687 --> 00:15:02,687 Yes! He is here, people! 411 00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:04,126 Okay, let's do this! 412 00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:05,632 No! You're-you're closing early! 413 00:15:05,636 --> 00:15:08,237 I-I'm shopping for Santa! 414 00:15:08,243 --> 00:15:09,709 Crap. 415 00:15:10,751 --> 00:15:12,884 (piano plays flourish) 416 00:15:12,924 --> 00:15:16,393 Hello. This year was a banner year for us Belcher kids. 417 00:15:16,435 --> 00:15:18,670 We did so many nice things. 418 00:15:18,675 --> 00:15:21,343 Too many to list, so we're going to sing them to you. 419 00:15:21,349 --> 00:15:24,117 Take it away, Gene, my brother. (light applause) 420 00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,991 I did a bunch of nice things this year. 421 00:15:26,029 --> 00:15:28,563 But one in particular comes to mind. 422 00:15:28,604 --> 00:15:32,074 ? Taco Tuesday was the day at school ? 423 00:15:32,081 --> 00:15:34,982 ? A day that always makes me drool ? 424 00:15:34,989 --> 00:15:38,292 ? But when only one taco was left ? 425 00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:41,635 ? I said "Rudy, friend, you take the rest" ? 426 00:15:41,642 --> 00:15:44,945 ? But the only thing left to eat ? 427 00:15:44,953 --> 00:15:48,655 ? Was nuggets from the deep, deep freeze ? 428 00:15:48,663 --> 00:15:52,099 And then those reheated evil nuggets got mad 429 00:15:52,107 --> 00:15:54,375 and turned into an angry tornado! 430 00:15:54,381 --> 00:15:56,114 Oh! 431 00:15:56,153 --> 00:15:57,820 (quietly): I made those nugget costumes. 432 00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,158 I made 'em a few hours ago. It's no big deal. 433 00:16:00,198 --> 00:16:03,300 So I did what I had to do to save the world. 434 00:16:03,307 --> 00:16:06,509 ? I ate the nuggets, I ate the evil nuggets, yeah! ? 435 00:16:06,517 --> 00:16:10,053 ? I ate the nuggets, the evil, evil nuggets, yeah! ? 436 00:16:10,061 --> 00:16:11,995 So that's something nice I did. 437 00:16:11,999 --> 00:16:14,900 And now I'm gonna hand it off to my handsome sister, Tina. 438 00:16:14,942 --> 00:16:17,243 (applause) Don't look at the bag. It's not calendars, 439 00:16:17,249 --> 00:16:19,850 but if it is, they're great... calendars. 440 00:16:19,890 --> 00:16:22,458 ? I kissed my family on all of their cheeks ? 441 00:16:22,464 --> 00:16:25,265 ? Then I took a little walk along the beach ? 442 00:16:25,306 --> 00:16:27,708 ? A horseshoe crab was on its back ? 443 00:16:27,713 --> 00:16:30,380 ? Nearly having a heart attack ? 444 00:16:30,421 --> 00:16:31,955 ? I didn't kick it ? 445 00:16:31,959 --> 00:16:33,627 ? I gently nudged it back into the sea ? 446 00:16:33,631 --> 00:16:35,498 ? I didn't kick it ? 447 00:16:35,503 --> 00:16:38,605 ? It had all the right number of legs when I left it, yeah ? 448 00:16:38,612 --> 00:16:40,480 The end. (Louise clears throat) 449 00:16:40,485 --> 00:16:42,452 Oh, right. ? And then I took it home and fed it ? 450 00:16:42,457 --> 00:16:44,625 ? And took care of it and then it went to college and now ? 451 00:16:44,630 --> 00:16:46,397 ? It's a celebrity chef with all its legs. ? Good night. 452 00:16:46,435 --> 00:16:48,836 (applause) Lin, this is not going very... 453 00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:51,277 Breathtaking. It's just breathtaking. 454 00:16:51,283 --> 00:16:53,584 Yup. Right. Yeah, that's what I was about to say. 455 00:16:53,624 --> 00:16:56,326 And now enjoy the stylings of my super nice sister, Louise. 456 00:16:56,332 --> 00:16:57,999 (piano plays flourish) (quietly): Nice job, Tina. 457 00:16:58,003 --> 00:16:59,804 I think he bought it. I'm just glad it's over. 458 00:16:59,809 --> 00:17:01,209 I feel dirty. That's the spirit. 459 00:17:01,213 --> 00:17:03,046 Thank you. Oh. 460 00:17:03,085 --> 00:17:07,020 ? I did so many nice things I can barely count 'em ? 461 00:17:07,063 --> 00:17:09,398 ? I regrew the rain forest, and lost puppies I found 'em ? 462 00:17:09,404 --> 00:17:11,871 ? I gave blankets to cold kids and ice cream to warm kids ? 463 00:17:11,911 --> 00:17:14,847 ? Shoes to the shoeless, hair to the hairless ? 464 00:17:14,854 --> 00:17:19,223 ? But the nicest thing I did all year... ? 465 00:17:20,704 --> 00:17:24,706 ? Uh... nicest thing I did... I... ? 466 00:17:24,749 --> 00:17:27,450 ? The nicest thing I did... I... ? 467 00:17:27,491 --> 00:17:28,891 I... 468 00:17:28,928 --> 00:17:31,763 I... I can't do this. 469 00:17:31,770 --> 00:17:33,237 (grunting) 470 00:17:33,241 --> 00:17:34,842 What? What are we doing? 471 00:17:34,846 --> 00:17:38,697 Do I still spin around? What do I do? Oy gevalt. 472 00:17:40,250 --> 00:17:43,008 Louise, what's going on? I can't do it. 473 00:17:43,014 --> 00:17:44,782 You were right. We shouldn't have lied. 474 00:17:44,787 --> 00:17:47,321 Yeah, but I didn't know stopping was an option. 475 00:17:47,361 --> 00:17:49,261 Hey, listen, you got to tell Santa-Santa 476 00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:51,968 to bring Gene and Tina presents tomorrow. 477 00:17:52,008 --> 00:17:53,508 They're good kids. 478 00:17:53,512 --> 00:17:55,513 And I don't belong on the nice list. 479 00:17:55,518 --> 00:17:57,853 I mean, a nice person doesn't put on a Nice Capades. 480 00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:59,393 They wouldn't need to. 481 00:17:59,397 --> 00:18:01,063 They would just call it "Capades." 482 00:18:01,102 --> 00:18:02,569 All right, show's over, everyone. 483 00:18:02,573 --> 00:18:05,240 Merry Christmas. LINDA: No! 484 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:07,180 No, no! Louise, wait. 485 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,620 You're a nice person, Louise. 486 00:18:08,624 --> 00:18:10,392 You do belong on the nice list. 487 00:18:10,396 --> 00:18:11,762 Sing it, Bob. 488 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,534 (microphone feedback squeals) Um, I... 489 00:18:13,539 --> 00:18:15,774 Wait, hold on. I want to say something else to you, Louise. 490 00:18:15,779 --> 00:18:17,646 You think you're a tough cookie, 491 00:18:17,651 --> 00:18:20,852 but you're really just as soft as the rest of us, maybe softer. 492 00:18:20,894 --> 00:18:22,661 Yeah. You do nice stuff all the time, 493 00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:24,133 but you don't even realize it. 494 00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:25,671 Like... your constructive criticisms 495 00:18:25,675 --> 00:18:27,475 of my secret diary entries are really helpful. 496 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,114 ? You read her diary ? 497 00:18:29,118 --> 00:18:31,586 ? And tell the rest of us the juicy stuff ? 498 00:18:31,592 --> 00:18:33,493 ? So we don't have to read it ? 499 00:18:33,498 --> 00:18:36,166 ? Keeps our hands clean, oh, yes, it does ? 500 00:18:36,172 --> 00:18:38,474 And, Louise, I know you don't like 501 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,113 watching The Weather Channel, but 502 00:18:40,151 --> 00:18:42,452 you sit and watch it with me anyway, so... 503 00:18:42,458 --> 00:18:47,194 ? Oh, she gets bored of forecasts and more forecasts ? 504 00:18:47,239 --> 00:18:50,206 ? I don't know why you watch that, Bob, she's bored ? 505 00:18:50,248 --> 00:18:52,649 When we were walking to school, you told me I should 506 00:18:52,655 --> 00:18:55,390 put away my penis before we got to school, and I did. 507 00:18:55,396 --> 00:18:58,398 ? You told him to put away his penis ? 508 00:18:58,405 --> 00:19:03,209 ? And that was pretty cool. ? 509 00:19:03,220 --> 00:19:05,987 That's nice of you all to say, but it's not gonna matter. 510 00:19:06,028 --> 00:19:08,161 You know, I'm turning in my report tonight. 511 00:19:08,202 --> 00:19:10,402 (sighing): Yeah. I know. 512 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:13,810 And I want to tell you, this was amazing, what you did here. 513 00:19:13,818 --> 00:19:16,720 You know, you may care about what Santa thinks of you, 514 00:19:16,727 --> 00:19:18,460 but I think you care more 515 00:19:18,498 --> 00:19:20,398 about what you think of you. 516 00:19:20,438 --> 00:19:22,472 And I'm gonna say that you're a leader 517 00:19:22,477 --> 00:19:25,144 who really thinks hard about right and wrong. 518 00:19:25,185 --> 00:19:26,619 And you know what, sweetie? 519 00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,991 The world needs people like you. Really? 520 00:19:28,997 --> 00:19:31,564 And some tough-looking security guys are motioning 521 00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,305 for me to wrap it up. 522 00:19:33,309 --> 00:19:34,942 It's best to listen to them. 523 00:19:34,981 --> 00:19:37,182 So, Louise, what do you want for Christmas? 524 00:19:37,187 --> 00:19:39,722 What do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas? 525 00:19:39,728 --> 00:19:41,296 A pet shark. 526 00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:44,601 Uh, okay, I'm gonna recommend the shark. Yes! 527 00:19:44,643 --> 00:19:46,210 Uh... eh... 528 00:19:46,214 --> 00:19:48,149 But just in case, do you have a backup? 529 00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:49,687 Nope. Well, y... 530 00:19:49,725 --> 00:19:51,992 (lights clunk off) And they shut off the lights. 531 00:19:52,031 --> 00:19:53,699 So, I guess we'll just make our way to the wall 532 00:19:53,704 --> 00:19:55,604 and feel our way out. 533 00:19:55,608 --> 00:19:56,909 TINA: Everyone grab hold of Dad. He'll pull us. 534 00:19:56,913 --> 00:19:58,547 BOB: What? No. No. 535 00:19:58,551 --> 00:20:00,118 GENE: Pull us to Christmas! (thudding) 536 00:20:00,122 --> 00:20:01,521 ALL: Aah! LINDA: Ow! My fudge! 537 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,493 LOUISE: You know, getting presents 538 00:20:03,532 --> 00:20:06,867 is nice, but it's not what Christmas is about, right? 539 00:20:06,909 --> 00:20:08,877 Look. There's one more for Louise. 540 00:20:08,882 --> 00:20:10,882 Give me! Give me! Give me! 541 00:20:10,921 --> 00:20:14,090 "A special present for a special kid. Santa." Aw. 542 00:20:14,097 --> 00:20:16,097 A goldfish? 543 00:20:16,137 --> 00:20:17,604 It is a goldfish. 544 00:20:17,608 --> 00:20:18,975 Look at that! 545 00:20:18,979 --> 00:20:20,413 Way better than a shark. 546 00:20:20,416 --> 00:20:22,617 Very funny, Santa-Santa! Ha, ha! 547 00:20:22,623 --> 00:20:24,023 You're hilarious! 548 00:20:24,027 --> 00:20:25,760 I get it. I get it. 549 00:20:25,799 --> 00:20:28,600 You got to be ten to get a shark? Is that it? 550 00:20:28,607 --> 00:20:30,475 Okay, I can wait. Starter shark. Love it. 551 00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:31,845 Next year, though, 552 00:20:31,883 --> 00:20:33,951 I want a great white under the tree. 553 00:20:33,956 --> 00:20:37,588 Did you hear that? I think I just heard him say, "No way." 554 00:20:37,596 --> 00:20:40,699 Shh, shh. Dad, you don't know anything about Santa. 555 00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,767 ? Oh, bourbon ? 556 00:20:45,724 --> 00:20:49,093 ? Oh, bourbon ? 557 00:20:49,101 --> 00:20:52,203 ? Oh, bourbon, oh, bourbon, oh, bourbon ? 558 00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:54,345 ? Oh... bourbon ? 559 00:20:54,350 --> 00:20:56,918 ? Oh, oh, oh, oh! ? 560 00:20:56,925 --> 00:20:58,025 Everybody now. 561 00:20:58,028 --> 00:20:59,394 ? Oh, bourbon ? 562 00:21:00,368 --> 00:21:01,635 ? Oh, bourbon ? 563 00:21:01,639 --> 00:21:04,073 Come on, now. Let's hear it. 564 00:21:04,079 --> 00:21:05,613 ? Oh... bourbon! ? 565 00:21:05,617 --> 00:21:07,652 Yeah. Give me another one. 566 00:21:07,657 --> 00:21:10,758 Okay. ? Oh, bourbon, bourbon ? 567 00:21:10,799 --> 00:21:13,767 ? Bourbon, bourbon, bourbon, bourbon, bour... ? 568 00:21:13,817 --> 00:21:18,367 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42682

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