Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:02,611
Aren't you Lil Dicky?
2
00:00:02,654 --> 00:00:04,308
♪ Yes, I know
That I'm a rapper ♪
3
00:00:04,439 --> 00:00:06,136
-♪ At the end of the day ♪
4
00:00:06,180 --> 00:00:09,879
♪ But I think
It's time you knew me
By my government name ♪
5
00:00:09,922 --> 00:00:12,229
-♪ Hi, I'm Dave ♪
-ANNOUNCER: Dave.
6
00:00:12,273 --> 00:00:13,926
All-new Wednesday at 10:00
on FXX.
7
00:00:14,057 --> 00:00:15,972
And next day, FX on Hulu.
8
00:00:23,327 --> 00:00:25,112
NADJA: So, yes,
it has been quite a summer.
9
00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:27,940
-We finally got a new familiar.-Yeah.
10
00:00:27,984 --> 00:00:30,726
-But he had an accident
and died.
-Yeah.
11
00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:32,815
-Left a bit. Left a bit more.
12
00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:34,643
It's not even.
13
00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:39,300
Ooh. Shit.
14
00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:40,910
So we found another one
and she had an accident
15
00:00:40,953 --> 00:00:43,304
and she died.
16
00:00:43,347 --> 00:00:44,740
-Oh, fuck.
17
00:00:47,482 --> 00:00:52,008
I had what is known
as a summer of self-discovery.
18
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:55,011
I was being a vapor
19
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:59,885
and I got sucked
into an air purifier.
20
00:00:59,929 --> 00:01:02,366
But apart from that,
21
00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:04,238
pretty slow summer.
22
00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:06,370
And then the same thing
happened with the next one.
23
00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:10,505
I spent so much time at the DMV
24
00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:12,942
they finally just
gave me a license.
25
00:01:12,985 --> 00:01:15,901
I did what any young,
handsome man would do,
26
00:01:15,945 --> 00:01:18,904
I went and bought
a classic convertible,
27
00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:23,387
put the top down,
blasted some tunes and, uh,
28
00:01:23,431 --> 00:01:26,347
I blocked the entrance
to the Lincoln Tunnel.
29
00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:29,698
-This is gonna ruin
my day, too, you know.
30
00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:31,308
-And then the next one.
-Yep.
31
00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:38,359
NADJA: We've been through about six-- no, seven familiars this year.
32
00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:40,361
-Seven?
-Yeah, remember Joey?
33
00:01:40,404 --> 00:01:42,537
No, my dear,
I'm not that familiar.
34
00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:46,280
No, don't you remember?
35
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,499
His intestines came
straight out of his bum.
36
00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:50,588
-Oh, Joey. Yeah, yeah.
-Mm.
37
00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:52,460
Not much new with me.
I've been spending
38
00:01:52,503 --> 00:01:54,418
a lot more time
in the upstairs bathroom.
39
00:01:54,462 --> 00:01:57,508
But besides that, my summer's
been pretty mellow and-- Ooh.
40
00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,467
-There's this little guy.
41
00:01:59,510 --> 00:02:02,296
Here. I've been trying to make
friends with him all summer.
42
00:02:02,339 --> 00:02:04,341
Don't be afraid. Come on in.
43
00:02:13,437 --> 00:02:14,395
Oh, sh...
44
00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:19,530
That's the tenth vampire
I killed this month.
45
00:02:19,574 --> 00:02:21,489
These vampire assassins
keep trying to kill
46
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:22,968
Nandor, Nadja and Laszlo
47
00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:26,015
ever since they escaped
from the Vampiric Council.
48
00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:27,451
I'm doing it
to protect my master.
49
00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:29,584
But I can't tell him
I'm a vampire killer,
50
00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:32,021
because then he'd have
to kill me.
51
00:02:32,064 --> 00:02:34,023
Guillermo, what are you doing?
52
00:02:34,066 --> 00:02:35,981
-Dusting.
-Well, can you dust
more quietly please?
53
00:02:36,025 --> 00:02:39,333
-I'm trying to sleep.
-Okay.
54
00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,770
GUILLERMO:
I haven't slept in 72 hours.
I've been eating
55
00:02:41,813 --> 00:02:42,945
these chocolate-covered
espresso beans.
56
00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:44,338
They give you enough pep
just to keep going
57
00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:45,600
and just keep going, going,
going and pretend...
58
00:02:45,643 --> 00:02:47,297
-Ah!
-NANDOR: Guillermo?
59
00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:49,430
Someone's in here!
Please don't open the door.
60
00:02:49,473 --> 00:02:51,562
NANDOR:
Did you make
a messy toilet again?
61
00:02:51,606 --> 00:02:54,261
GUILLERMO:
I-I did. I-I had an accident.
Whoopsie.
62
00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:56,915
-Well, actually,
I just wanted to...
-No, Master, don't open...
63
00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:59,527
Oh, Guillermo.
64
00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:02,138
You should really
drink more water.
65
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,278
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪
66
00:03:11,321 --> 00:03:13,802
♪ They have no use
for your song♪
67
00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,413
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪
68
00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:18,850
♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪
69
00:03:20,983 --> 00:03:24,029
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪
70
00:03:24,073 --> 00:03:26,771
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪
71
00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:29,078
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪
72
00:03:29,121 --> 00:03:32,603
♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪
73
00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:42,831
Anyway, that is all in the past,
74
00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:45,442
because we have finally
found us a good one.
75
00:03:45,486 --> 00:03:48,358
Topher, come in here!
76
00:03:48,402 --> 00:03:50,404
-Look at this.
-Tophie!
77
00:03:50,447 --> 00:03:53,102
Your skull polish, madam.
78
00:03:53,145 --> 00:03:54,973
-I'll be right outside.
-There he goes.
79
00:03:55,017 --> 00:03:58,063
Take care of business. Ooh.
80
00:03:58,107 --> 00:04:00,065
NADJA:
Topher is an absolutely
81
00:04:00,109 --> 00:04:03,068
"Bob's your money"
spectacular familiar.
82
00:04:03,112 --> 00:04:04,374
And his résumé
83
00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:06,071
is impeccable.
84
00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:08,596
LASZLO:
It is. He is proficient
in Excel.
85
00:04:08,639 --> 00:04:10,162
And went to Lehigh.
86
00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:12,643
Now, my wife and I
have not a whore's notion
87
00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:14,819
what any of that means.
88
00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:16,517
-But we like it.
89
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:17,909
Need any help with that,
G-Money?
90
00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:19,694
Nah, I got it.
91
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:21,913
It's like my father used to say.
92
00:04:21,957 --> 00:04:24,742
"Never accept a towel
from an Italian."
93
00:04:24,786 --> 00:04:27,528
-: Yeah. Topher.
-Very true, darling.
94
00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:28,703
-Master.
-Watching you stretch
95
00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:30,922
your young body
across that fireplace,
96
00:04:30,966 --> 00:04:33,098
-you know who you remind me of?-Who, Master?
97
00:04:33,142 --> 00:04:34,970
-Me.
98
00:04:35,013 --> 00:04:36,363
-Bring it in.
99
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,060
-You're the best.
100
00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:40,845
-NANDOR: Guillermo! Guillermo!
-Y-Yes, Master?
101
00:04:40,889 --> 00:04:43,065
Yes?
102
00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:45,676
I dragged my cape through
a street doo-doo again.
103
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,026
I dragged it for three blocks
before I noticed
104
00:04:48,070 --> 00:04:49,854
and I'm embarrassed to say
I dragged it
105
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:51,682
for another eight blocks
after that.
106
00:04:51,726 --> 00:04:54,598
-Why did you do that, Master?-Well, I thought it would help,
107
00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,644
you know, drag the doo-doo off.
108
00:04:56,687 --> 00:04:59,124
-Anyway, take care of it please.
-TOPHER: Hey, uh,
109
00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:00,909
-you want me to fly in
with the assist?
-NANDOR: No!
110
00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:02,606
TOPHER:
That actually
is a-a lot of shit on it.
111
00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:05,043
This is a good solo job
for Guillermo.
112
00:05:05,087 --> 00:05:08,133
But thank you for the hustle,
Topherino!
113
00:05:08,177 --> 00:05:09,134
-TOPHER: Look out.
114
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:11,006
-Hustle...?
-I don't think so.
115
00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:15,402
-NANDOR:
It looks fantastic in here.
-LASZLO: Doesn't it?
116
00:05:15,445 --> 00:05:17,491
-I could watch him clean
all day.
-NANDOR: Yes.
117
00:05:17,534 --> 00:05:19,144
TOPHER:
All right, I'm glad
to hear you say that.
118
00:05:19,188 --> 00:05:20,624
Uh-huh.
119
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:21,625
All right.
120
00:05:21,669 --> 00:05:23,627
All right! Bye, Bobby.
121
00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,716
It's my little side hustle.
122
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,719
I'm a 0.5 percent owner in thisdope new line of hard ciders.
123
00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:32,723
-It's called Doze Apples
Hard Cider.
124
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:35,596
That's clever, 'cause it--
they're made with apples.
125
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:36,553
Apple flavoring,
126
00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:38,163
-we have to say.
-Do Laszlo and Nadja
127
00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:39,774
-know about this?
-Eh.
128
00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:41,166
What they don't know
can't hurt them.
129
00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:43,604
-Am I right? High five.
-I...
130
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:45,170
-Come on, dawg.
Don't leave me hanging.
-I don't know. Just...
131
00:05:45,214 --> 00:05:46,737
-With our job...
-Dawg. Don't leave me
hanging, dawg.
132
00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:49,610
-And we're just...
-Dawg. Don't leave me hang...
133
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:51,176
-I just think that...-No, give me a better one, dawg.
134
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:52,395
-I just think...
-Again, high five!
135
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:54,571
Oh, yeah. High five.
136
00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:56,094
I feel like there's a way
137
00:05:56,138 --> 00:05:58,532
to be cool-- which you are,
you're very cool...
138
00:05:58,575 --> 00:06:00,534
-Thank you.
-...and also, respectful,
you know?
139
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:02,449
You need to let them know
140
00:06:02,492 --> 00:06:05,190
that you are worthy of being
turned into a vampire someday.
141
00:06:05,234 --> 00:06:06,844
-Which is why we're here.
-To be honest,
142
00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:08,585
I don't really care
about being a vampire.
143
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:11,022
I'm sorry, what?
144
00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:13,111
Yeah, yeah,
I was very surprised
145
00:06:13,155 --> 00:06:15,636
that Topher does not
want to be a vampire.
146
00:06:15,679 --> 00:06:16,985
Who doesn't
want to be a vampire?
147
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:20,249
What are you doing
if you don't...
148
00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:22,033
-What-what do you want to be?
-TOPHER: I don't know.
149
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,557
Maybe a warlock.
150
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,036
-That'd be cool.
-That would be cool.
151
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,821
That's, like, above vampire.
152
00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:28,692
Alla-kazoom!
153
00:06:28,736 --> 00:06:31,042
And it would explode
or something.
154
00:06:31,086 --> 00:06:34,742
GUILLERMO:
He's still learning.
He's still finding himself.
155
00:06:34,785 --> 00:06:36,091
He'll get there.
156
00:06:36,134 --> 00:06:38,267
So, these are like money.
157
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:40,748
You go to any store that sells
Doze Apples Hard Cider,
158
00:06:40,791 --> 00:06:43,228
pay for the cider
with real money, but then,
159
00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:45,579
you mail in this card to
the address there on the back.
160
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:48,582
And I can explain
this whole process
161
00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:50,671
as I'm handing these out?
162
00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:52,673
Oh, yeah.
Sometimes more than once.
163
00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:55,240
-You know, if you want,
you can drain me right now.
164
00:06:55,284 --> 00:06:57,025
I'm, like, firing on all
four cylinders, you know?
165
00:06:57,068 --> 00:06:59,070
You can crunch up as much as youwant. I can make some more.
166
00:06:59,114 --> 00:07:00,942
I-- Yeah, I want to, Topher,
167
00:07:00,985 --> 00:07:04,032
but I'm having a pickle
of a time draining you.
168
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,642
I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Robinson.
169
00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:08,036
-Like, I know
you're trying to bore me--
170
00:07:08,079 --> 00:07:10,212
-Hang on.
171
00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:12,519
Come on in.
172
00:07:14,738 --> 00:07:17,262
The stuff that you tell me
is just so interesting.
173
00:07:17,306 --> 00:07:18,655
You know?
174
00:07:18,699 --> 00:07:20,701
Sue me.
175
00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:22,833
-Who was at the door?
-I don't know.
176
00:07:22,877 --> 00:07:25,706
Unbelievable. Topher?
177
00:07:25,749 --> 00:07:28,056
Topher, did you happen to let
two vampires into the house?
178
00:07:28,099 --> 00:07:30,101
-Hey, hang on, dawg.
-Look, there's a couple rules
you need to follow.
179
00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:31,842
-I know you're new, okay, but...-Sorry, just, uh,
180
00:07:31,886 --> 00:07:33,714
conferencing with this guy
I used to intern for,
181
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,585
this dope werewolf--
You might know him, actually.
182
00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:37,979
First of all, werewolves are notdope, so I wouldn't know him.
183
00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:39,763
-Uh, this guy's pretty dope.
-No.
184
00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:41,635
Look, I don't mean to be hard
on you, but it's important
185
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,854
you follow the rules
for everyone's safety.
186
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:45,639
Do me a favor and stay away
from the koi pond.
187
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,815
I think there's an electrical
short from the heater, so just
188
00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:49,817
-stay away from it...
-Have you tried turning it
off and back on again?
189
00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:51,645
No, just don't touch it,
Topher, okay?
190
00:07:51,688 --> 00:07:53,734
-The electric guy's
gonna be here on Monday.
-Always works for me.
191
00:07:53,777 --> 00:07:55,083
So just leave it alone...
192
00:07:57,781 --> 00:08:00,871
GUILLERMO: Yeah. I'm sad that Topher died.
193
00:08:00,915 --> 00:08:03,744
Another familiar dead, you know?
194
00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:06,660
But... that's the business.
195
00:08:06,703 --> 00:08:09,271
I'm used to it.
196
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:11,142
That's bad, right?
197
00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:17,714
Death comes for us all.
198
00:08:17,758 --> 00:08:20,717
It comes for the bees.
199
00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:22,719
It comes for the trees.
200
00:08:22,763 --> 00:08:27,681
It comes for, uh, basically
anyone from zero on up,
201
00:08:27,724 --> 00:08:29,900
so... one...
202
00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:31,119
LASZLO:
Are you kidding?
203
00:08:31,162 --> 00:08:33,295
...two, three, four.
204
00:08:33,338 --> 00:08:34,949
Put a cork in it,
Colin Robinson.
205
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:37,386
-We're weak enough as it is.
-NANDOR: Perhaps there is
206
00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:40,389
-a familiar killer on the loose?-NADJA: What?
207
00:08:40,432 --> 00:08:42,173
Well, I was just thinking,
you know,
208
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:43,740
if there are vampire killers,
209
00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:46,787
then why not
familiar killers, also?
210
00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:48,832
There's no such thing asvampire killers, you knob lord.
211
00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:51,356
-Well...
-What was that, Guillermo?
212
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,923
I'm just saying
that it wouldn't hurt
213
00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:54,882
to be more cautious and alert.
214
00:08:54,925 --> 00:08:56,318
NADJA:
Enough of this!
215
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:58,102
This is horse piss.
We are vampires.
216
00:08:58,146 --> 00:09:00,148
We can do better
than this for our Topher.
217
00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:01,889
Guillermo, dig him up.
218
00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:03,064
Yes.
219
00:09:03,107 --> 00:09:05,370
Please be respectful of his mud.
220
00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:07,198
A necromancer is someone
221
00:09:07,242 --> 00:09:09,113
who can reanimate the dead.
222
00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:12,029
It's a truly fantastical part
of the dark arts.
223
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:14,815
And I happen to have
a very good old pal
224
00:09:14,858 --> 00:09:16,817
-Wallace...
225
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:20,734
...who is excellently proficientin the art of necromancy.
226
00:09:20,777 --> 00:09:23,867
No, he's excellent, at the darkart of ripping you off.
227
00:09:23,911 --> 00:09:25,739
-These people are shysters.
228
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:28,176
They're obsessed
with the upsell.
229
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,744
I'm sure his hut
is around here somewhere.
230
00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:33,181
It's a classic necromancer scam.
231
00:09:33,224 --> 00:09:36,271
"Meet me at my hut."
What bloody hut?
232
00:09:37,359 --> 00:09:39,840
There it is. I'm certain of it.
233
00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:42,190
Look at all those pale,
desperate wretches
234
00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:43,974
scurrying around
in the moonlight.
235
00:09:44,018 --> 00:09:45,933
It's a performing arts school.
236
00:09:45,976 --> 00:09:49,110
COLIN:
Hey, a high school production
of Thornton Wilder's
237
00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:51,808
Our Townwith a Q and A
afterwards.
238
00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:54,550
-Don't mind if I do. Yum, yum.
-WALLACE: You seek
239
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,421
the necromancer?
240
00:09:56,465 --> 00:09:58,206
LASZLO:
What the...?
241
00:09:58,249 --> 00:10:00,208
I am they.
242
00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:01,426
Hello, Wallace!
243
00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,995
NADJA:
Come on, everyone!
244
00:10:05,039 --> 00:10:08,477
-WALLACE: I've got a lovely potof stew if anyone's hungry.
-LASZLO: No.
245
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,959
-I see you admiring my wares.
Anything tickle your fancy?
-No.
246
00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:15,310
-NADJA: Hush.
-These bracelets
ward off the evil eye.
247
00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:17,747
-NADJA: Ooh. Ooh.-This one attracts the evil eye.
248
00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:21,795
-And this one increases
sexual stamina. Yeah.
249
00:10:21,838 --> 00:10:23,971
You could do with a leg up.
250
00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:27,757
-And these are key chains
that look like license plates.
-NADJA: Uh-huh.
251
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:29,324
LASZLO:
Look, mister,
we are not interested
252
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:31,892
in your tricks and trinkets.
253
00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:34,851
This one would make a cute giftfor a man named Steve.
254
00:10:34,895 --> 00:10:37,898
NADJA:
Yes, yes, yes, but, Wallace,
what we are here for
255
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:39,029
is we were hoping
you could reanimate
256
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:40,465
our beloved familiar Topher.
257
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:43,207
Yes, uh, how long
has he been dead?
258
00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:45,906
-Huh?
-Oh, that is Guillermo.
259
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:48,473
He is not dead, although
sometimes we wish he was.
260
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,477
Just a little joke there,
Guillermo,
261
00:10:52,521 --> 00:10:54,044
I got it.
262
00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:55,872
All right, so, uh,
where's the carcass?
263
00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:59,223
Yes. Guillermo,
fetch the carcass.
264
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:02,183
-The what?
-The carcass.
265
00:11:02,226 --> 00:11:04,838
-The cadaver, man.
-I'll go get the body.
266
00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,970
NANDOR:
What was that?
267
00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:08,929
I'll go get the carcass.
268
00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:10,060
NANDOR:
Better.
269
00:11:15,979 --> 00:11:18,852
And did you bring a personalitem belonging to the deceased?
270
00:11:18,895 --> 00:11:21,289
Uh, yes, uh, his mini-fridge.
271
00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:23,291
Uh, Guillermo, you did
bring the mini-fridge, yeah?
272
00:11:23,334 --> 00:11:26,990
He absolutely loved
this cold, white little box.
273
00:11:27,034 --> 00:11:28,949
And the foot of a deranged cat,
274
00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:31,603
the night-thistle,
the parcel of wolf's-bane
275
00:11:31,647 --> 00:11:34,084
and the $350 cash?
276
00:11:34,128 --> 00:11:35,825
-Thank you.
-It's all there,
277
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:37,087
razzle-dazzle man.
278
00:11:37,131 --> 00:11:39,481
Good, good.
I can't stress enough
279
00:11:39,524 --> 00:11:41,570
the $350 cash.
280
00:11:41,613 --> 00:11:44,355
-Yeah, I'll bet you can't.
-Otherwise,
the spells don't work.
281
00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:46,314
Wallace,do you think we are going to get
282
00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:49,534
-our beloved Topher back?-Well, he seems well preserved.
283
00:11:49,578 --> 00:11:52,537
Everything seems to want to...
seems to be intact.
284
00:11:52,581 --> 00:11:54,539
He hasn't had that, uh,
285
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:56,280
intestines out of the asshole,
has he?
286
00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:57,368
-No, no.
-Good,
287
00:11:57,412 --> 00:11:59,327
'cause that really yucks me out.
288
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:02,112
Right, then, here we go.
Hold on to your hats.
289
00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,122
Yes! You're alive!
290
00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,994
You can jive!
291
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,517
Your spirit rise!
292
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,171
♪ The light has gone♪
293
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:18,825
♪ Out of your eyes♪
294
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:19,956
♪ What a surprise♪
295
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,002
-♪ Yah!♪
-Is he scatting?
296
00:12:22,045 --> 00:12:23,351
No, of course not.
297
00:12:23,394 --> 00:12:24,569
♪ Zippidee-dop♪
298
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:25,875
♪ A-zippidee-doo♪
299
00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:28,138
♪ A-zippidee-zop-zop,
wabada-boo...♪
300
00:12:28,182 --> 00:12:29,574
-This is bullshit.
301
00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:30,924
Shut up.
302
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:31,925
♪ Ooh-eh♪
303
00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:36,146
-Oh-pah!
304
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,852
-Zombra, zombra, zombra.
305
00:12:45,895 --> 00:12:48,028
Zambra, zombra.
306
00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:49,333
Why is he looking at his phone?
307
00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:51,118
It probably just can't wait.
It's an emergency.
308
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:55,339
Z-Zombra, zambra,
zombra, zombra, zombra.
309
00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:58,038
Zombarisa...
310
00:12:58,081 --> 00:12:59,691
Hai! Hai! Hai!
Hai, hai, hai!
311
00:12:59,735 --> 00:13:01,171
Ba-boom!
312
00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:04,696
-Oh!
-Ew!
-Get in, you bastard!
313
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:08,178
The end.
I have achieved reanimation.
314
00:13:08,222 --> 00:13:09,963
Your beloved familiar
315
00:13:10,006 --> 00:13:11,965
will return to you tomorrow.
316
00:13:12,008 --> 00:13:14,619
-Tomorrow?
-Life takes time, my friend.
317
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:18,058
We are reversing the very powerof nature itself.
318
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:20,060
But there's
a-a quickening ritual,
319
00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:21,931
if you want
to chivvy things along.
320
00:13:21,975 --> 00:13:24,107
As we're all friends,
I could do it for a hundy.
321
00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:26,109
-No, you bloody won't.
We're not interested.
322
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:28,068
Thank you so very much, Wallace.
323
00:13:28,111 --> 00:13:29,547
♪ Zappidee-doo.♪
324
00:13:29,591 --> 00:13:31,811
Zappidee-doo.
325
00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:39,122
Everything is back to normal,
because our Topher is back!
326
00:13:39,166 --> 00:13:40,645
It's true.
I've got to admit,
327
00:13:40,689 --> 00:13:42,952
Wallace, as contemptible
a man as he is,
328
00:13:42,996 --> 00:13:47,087
-actually came up trumps.
-: Told you so.
329
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:50,220
You fucking didn't.
330
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:53,093
Don't tell Guillermo, but...
331
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:55,399
I'm so happy Topher is back.
332
00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:59,621
All right,
let us begin with the minutes.
333
00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:01,231
I am here.
334
00:14:01,275 --> 00:14:03,451
Guillermo, you are there.
335
00:14:03,494 --> 00:14:05,105
And, um...
336
00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:06,889
TOPHER :
To-pher!
337
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:08,369
NADJA :
Oh, Tophie!
338
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:09,457
And there is Topher.
339
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:10,588
Wonderful.
340
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,286
We are all here.
We can begin.
341
00:14:12,329 --> 00:14:14,201
Firstly--
and I'm not naming names--
342
00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:17,291
but I have recently noticed
that the house reeks
343
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:20,076
of decaying flesh, and there aredead birds everywhere.
344
00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:21,686
TOPHER:
Topher!
345
00:14:21,730 --> 00:14:23,514
As I say, I'm not naming names.
346
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,473
But if we do have an issue,
347
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:27,475
then it's important
that we all work together
348
00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:30,304
to let Guillermo know,
so that he can fix it.
349
00:14:30,347 --> 00:14:32,262
TOPHER:
Doze Apples!
350
00:14:35,526 --> 00:14:36,788
LASZLO:
Off he goes.
351
00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:38,529
That chap's tireless, isn't he?
352
00:14:38,573 --> 00:14:41,576
You could learn something
from Topher, no, Guillermo?
353
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,491
I actually have an orderof business I'd like to discuss.
354
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:45,058
-Oh...
-NANDOR: Okay.
355
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:47,277
-The floor is yours.
-I'm a little bit concerned
356
00:14:47,321 --> 00:14:48,452
about Topher.
357
00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:50,280
I think there might be
something
358
00:14:50,324 --> 00:14:52,282
-really wrong with him.
359
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:55,024
-Topher! Aah!
360
00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:58,288
-He waits under my bed and tries to bite me, for one. -NANDOR: Yes.
361
00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:00,029
He eats live birds and insects.
362
00:15:00,073 --> 00:15:02,162
I think, I think
he might be a zombie.
363
00:15:04,425 --> 00:15:06,427
That, my boy,
sounds like slander.
364
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:09,169
Nandor, what are you going to doabout the state of the muck
365
00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:10,474
-pouring out of his mouth?
-Guillermo,
366
00:15:10,518 --> 00:15:12,302
do you have any proof
of this wild accusation?
367
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,348
-Aah!
368
00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:18,830
Well, do you?
369
00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:20,571
He's not well!
370
00:15:20,615 --> 00:15:22,312
-He's freaking out.
-Yes!
371
00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:24,314
He's gonna eat me!
Dios mío!
372
00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:25,707
LASZLO:
Well, now he's
speaking in tongues.
373
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:27,274
That is awful of you
to call Topher
374
00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:28,405
those things you just did.
375
00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:33,193
Exactly.
376
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:36,196
Guillermo, have you
been getting enough sleep?
377
00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:37,980
: No. No,
I am not getting any sleep!
378
00:15:38,024 --> 00:15:40,287
I haven't slept
in the last two weeks,
379
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:43,203
because I have to keep one eye
open to protect you guys!
380
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,553
-Protect us from what?
381
00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:50,732
Nothing.
382
00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:52,560
I just wish you guys knew
how hard I work for you,
383
00:15:52,603 --> 00:15:55,215
and you don't, so that's okay,
never mind, forget it.
384
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,304
Did you see that?
385
00:15:57,347 --> 00:15:59,654
-He was eating
his own dry poops.
386
00:16:05,312 --> 00:16:07,227
The vampire assassins
usually come at night,
387
00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:08,750
so I have to constantly survey
the perimeter.
388
00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:30,598
Topher!
389
00:16:30,641 --> 00:16:33,166
Topher? No, no, no, no, no, no!
390
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:34,950
I don't wanna die, I don't
wanna die, I don't wanna...
391
00:16:40,651 --> 00:16:42,305
Sorry. Sorry.
392
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:44,177
Why...?
393
00:16:44,220 --> 00:16:47,876
Sorry, buddy,but you were trying to kill me.
394
00:16:49,399 --> 00:16:51,358
High five.
395
00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:53,229
I don't know, bud.
396
00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:55,666
-Come on!
-Okay. All right.
397
00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:57,451
-Aw, shit.
398
00:16:57,494 --> 00:16:59,366
-Why?!
-Sorry, Toph.
399
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,281
See, that's why
I didn't want to do that.
400
00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:03,413
-Toph.
401
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,633
No, buddy, I don't think it's
gonna go back on there, bud.
402
00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:08,331
High five!
403
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:09,724
No, I'm not gonna
high-five you anymore.
404
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:10,855
High five!
405
00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:12,814
Ow, Toph! That really hurt!
406
00:17:12,857 --> 00:17:14,598
-High five!
-Stop it, you...
407
00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:16,470
You're being really rude
right now!
408
00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:18,124
-Stop it! Stop it!
409
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,388
Stop it, Topher.
Stop it, Topher!
410
00:17:21,431 --> 00:17:24,086
-Stop it, Topher!
411
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:25,914
Aw, fuck no!
412
00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:28,438
No one bites Guillermo!
413
00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:33,313
It was an accident.
414
00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:37,708
All right, dudes,
I'm headed out.
415
00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:40,450
Going up to Albany to catch
a community theater production
416
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:41,886
of Pippin.
417
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:48,328
What's going on with,
uh, Toph-Dawg?
418
00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:50,330
I think he's a zombie.
419
00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:51,635
Yeah, could be.
420
00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:53,420
-See you guys later.
421
00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:55,683
You goofballs.
422
00:18:08,435 --> 00:18:09,523
GUILLERMO:
No!
423
00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:12,308
Why won't you die?!
424
00:18:15,398 --> 00:18:17,139
Stop it! Stop it!
425
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:18,227
Ow!
426
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:22,405
Jesus fucking...!
427
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:25,060
Topher!
428
00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:32,894
Guillermo!
429
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:36,289
GUILLERMO:
Master...
430
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:38,204
you saved me.
431
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:39,683
Thank you.
432
00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:42,512
Your screaming disturbed me
from my slumber.
433
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,384
You shouldn't be putting
your head in there.
434
00:18:44,427 --> 00:18:45,254
It's not hygienic.
435
00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:46,951
If you want to wash yourself,
do it in...
436
00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:48,562
Will you stop that!
437
00:18:48,605 --> 00:18:50,781
-I've had enough of this.
438
00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:58,311
He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
439
00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:00,530
-But what is done is done.
440
00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:03,316
This fuckin' guy.
441
00:19:10,627 --> 00:19:13,326
He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
442
00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:14,762
But what is done is done.
443
00:19:16,459 --> 00:19:19,245
Are you kidding me with this
right now?
444
00:19:19,288 --> 00:19:22,422
Just give him a few jolts.
I'll be fine.
445
00:19:22,465 --> 00:19:24,511
He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
446
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:28,428
Kind of tickles.
447
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:32,519
You conned us,
you slippery bastard!
448
00:19:32,562 --> 00:19:34,564
Wallace,
how could you do this to us?
449
00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:37,001
Yeah, plus, he was crawling
on the ceiling, which is odd.
450
00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:39,482
-Well, he didn't do that before?-NADJA: Of course not!
451
00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:41,789
Well, okay, I must have used
the wrong incantation spell.
452
00:19:41,832 --> 00:19:44,487
But you know what?
No extra charge.
453
00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:46,141
-Bullshit! You made it up
as you were going along.
-No, no, no, no,
454
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,448
that was word-for-word verbatim.
455
00:19:48,491 --> 00:19:50,537
No. You were bloody texting
on your phone the whole time!
456
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:52,582
It was an Amber Alert.
457
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:54,236
Well, I did think
it was important.
458
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,021
He is damaged goods,
and we demand satisfaction!
459
00:19:57,065 --> 00:20:00,503
-Not cool, Wallace, not cool.
460
00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:02,331
-Fine. Let me have him.
-What, do you think
461
00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:04,464
I'm gonna let him go?
You must be out of your mind.
462
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:08,076
Come here, boy.
463
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:09,556
Come on, come on.
464
00:20:11,297 --> 00:20:13,777
That'll do, pig, that'll do.
465
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:15,388
-Wow.
-All right,
466
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:17,172
I don't normally do refunds,
467
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,000
but I'll take him
off your hands for you.
468
00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:20,393
And for your trouble,
469
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:23,657
each of you can grab
a license plate key chain.
470
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:25,615
For free?
471
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,182
Free. Gratis.
472
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,749
Okay.
473
00:20:28,792 --> 00:20:30,533
Come on!
474
00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:33,493
-Oh. "Ingrid." Oh.
-NANDOR: I got...
475
00:20:33,536 --> 00:20:34,624
"Steve."
476
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:38,585
So if you're watching, Steve...
477
00:20:38,628 --> 00:20:40,543
waiting for you.
478
00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:41,849
Ah.
479
00:20:41,892 --> 00:20:43,633
NADJA:
I got "Nadia," uh,
480
00:20:43,677 --> 00:20:46,506
which is my name,
but with a less exciting "J."
481
00:20:46,549 --> 00:20:48,508
Completely free.
482
00:20:48,551 --> 00:20:50,031
You don't have "Colin."
483
00:20:50,074 --> 00:20:52,512
We haven't sold any
since 1979, mate.
484
00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:54,514
But you have "Condom."
485
00:20:54,557 --> 00:20:56,603
Very, very popular.
486
00:20:56,646 --> 00:20:58,431
-Can I take one?
-Go for it.
487
00:20:58,474 --> 00:21:00,084
GUILLERMO:
So I got...
488
00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,434
"Gigi."
489
00:21:01,477 --> 00:21:03,914
I guess that's better
than "Gizmo."
490
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:10,312
Being a familiar
isn't for everyone.
491
00:21:10,356 --> 00:21:14,055
You're not always thanked
or praised.
492
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:17,145
But after my master
saved my life,
493
00:21:17,188 --> 00:21:20,104
he proved to me that...
he really does care about me
494
00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:22,455
and all the things I do for him.
495
00:21:22,498 --> 00:21:26,285
And if one day
he doesn't, well...
496
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:47,567
Here you go. Down there.
497
00:21:47,610 --> 00:21:49,569
That be slippy there, hang on.
498
00:21:49,612 --> 00:21:51,919
Here you go.
499
00:21:51,962 --> 00:21:53,399
Topher!
500
00:21:53,442 --> 00:21:54,922
Yep.
501
00:21:54,965 --> 00:21:57,316
Just uh, copy what they do,
you'll be fine.
502
00:21:58,534 --> 00:21:59,796
Doze Apples!
503
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:01,494
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very good.
504
00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:03,713
Be back to check on you
next year.
505
00:22:03,757 --> 00:22:05,976
Doze Apples.
506
00:22:06,020 --> 00:22:07,543
WALLACE:
Yes, yes.
507
00:22:09,632 --> 00:22:11,765
FEMALE ZOMBIE:
Gigi.
508
00:22:11,808 --> 00:22:14,594
MALE ZOMBIE:
Condom.
509
00:22:14,637 --> 00:22:16,726
TOPHER: Topher!
510
00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:19,207
♪ See the people
all dressed in white♪
511
00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:21,514
♪ Oh, it must be
the children of Israel♪
512
00:22:21,557 --> 00:22:23,298
♪ Just a-walkin'
into the light♪
513
00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:25,213
♪ 'Cause there ain't no grave♪
514
00:22:25,256 --> 00:22:28,216
♪ Gonna hold my body down♪
515
00:22:28,259 --> 00:22:30,305
♪ Oh, there ain't no grave♪
516
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:33,482
♪ Gonna hold my body down♪
517
00:22:33,526 --> 00:22:36,267
♪ When that trumpet shot
shall blast♪
518
00:22:36,311 --> 00:22:37,921
♪ And the dead
shall leave at last♪
519
00:22:37,965 --> 00:22:40,315
♪ There ain't no grave♪
520
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:41,577
♪ Gonna hold♪
521
00:22:41,621 --> 00:22:44,711
♪ My body down.♪
522
00:22:44,754 --> 00:22:47,757
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
523
00:22:56,766 --> 00:23:01,423
"Total protection
from the sun."
524
00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:08,648
-VOCALIST: Hey!
525
00:23:10,214 --> 00:23:11,564
-Mom.
-Yes?
526
00:23:11,694 --> 00:23:13,827
-Okay. I want
a big party this year.
-Serious?
527
00:23:13,870 --> 00:23:16,177
-I want a quinceañera.
-Quinceañera?
528
00:23:16,220 --> 00:23:19,398
We can't do that.
We're too white for that.
We're not allowed.
529
00:23:28,711 --> 00:23:31,671
Do me a favor?Never look me in the eye again.
530
00:23:31,714 --> 00:23:34,674
Okay? 'Cause your stare
is way too intense.
531
00:23:34,717 --> 00:23:36,502
It's starting to make
my hair fall out.
532
00:23:41,898 --> 00:23:43,465
I'm good at reading and writing.
533
00:23:43,596 --> 00:23:46,468
Yes, you are. You know,
I wanted to be a writer
when I was a kid.
534
00:23:46,512 --> 00:23:48,557
Or an artist, you know?
535
00:23:48,601 --> 00:23:50,646
Cartoonist, maybe.
Combine the two.
536
00:23:50,690 --> 00:23:51,691
Why didn't you?
537
00:23:53,519 --> 00:23:55,216
-Wake up!
538
00:23:55,259 --> 00:23:56,913
-You two came along.
539
00:23:56,957 --> 00:23:58,698
-Bing, bing, bing!
-Oh!
540
00:23:58,741 --> 00:24:00,656
-Life gets in the way, don't it?--
541
00:24:01,265 --> 00:24:02,484
Oh. Ow!
542
00:24:02,528 --> 00:24:03,703
You drift.
543
00:24:03,746 --> 00:24:05,052
-Ahh.
544
00:24:05,095 --> 00:24:07,489
I'm not blaming you.
Just... you did ask.
Right.
545
00:24:12,929 --> 00:24:14,888
I would like to explore the idea
546
00:24:14,931 --> 00:24:16,585
of tokenism
in the workplace,
547
00:24:16,629 --> 00:24:19,109
where one minority is propped up
548
00:24:19,153 --> 00:24:21,677
to cover the experience
of the entire population.
549
00:24:21,721 --> 00:24:23,244
WOMAN: That's interesting.
550
00:24:23,287 --> 00:24:25,289
Wait. Sorry. You're not sayingyou feel that way here?
551
00:24:34,429 --> 00:24:37,040
Cause precedes effect.
552
00:24:37,084 --> 00:24:38,694
Effect leads to cause.
553
00:24:39,826 --> 00:24:43,177
The future is fixed
in exactly the same way
as the past.
40256
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.