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1
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CEREAL CRACKLES
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Can you hear them?
3
00:00:10,801 --> 00:00:11,998
Oh, yes.
4
00:00:11,999 --> 00:00:13,998
Snap, crackle and pop.
5
00:00:13,999 --> 00:00:16,998
They sounds like tiny people.
6
00:00:16,999 --> 00:00:20,998
Plip-plip-plip-plip-plip!
"Help me, I can't swim!"
7
00:00:20,999 --> 00:00:22,998
Guys, do you mind?
8
00:00:22,999 --> 00:00:23,999
What are they doing?
9
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,399
Talking about the cereal.
GRUNTING
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00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:29,800
Red man! Red man!
Red man! Red man!
11
00:00:29,801 --> 00:00:31,998
Postman's coming. How do you...? Oh!
12
00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:34,266
I'll go with you. # Friends together
13
00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:36,000
# Fetch the post together... #
14
00:00:38,999 --> 00:00:41,998
Cornflakes were actually invented
15
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to stop people from
touching themselves, apparently.
16
00:00:45,801 --> 00:00:47,266
Never did like cornflakes.
17
00:00:47,267 --> 00:00:49,933
Give me an egg atop a cutlet
any day of the diary.
18
00:00:49,934 --> 00:00:50,998
TOASTER POPS
SCREAMS: Ooh!
19
00:00:50,999 --> 00:00:53,266
Toaster. Yes, I know,
I wasn't scared.
20
00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:54,998
# Let me read the post... #
21
00:00:54,999 --> 00:00:57,800
It's so exciting
reading one's correspondences.
22
00:00:57,801 --> 00:00:59,266
I bet these are from all your
admirers.
23
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:01,998
WHISPERS: I promise I won't tell
Michael! Anything interesting?
24
00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:06,199
Red bill. Red bill. Normal bill.
25
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,334
Ooh! GHOSTS: Ooh!
26
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,199
They're looking for a house
to film a new drama in.
27
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,734
GHOSTS GASP
28
00:01:13,735 --> 00:01:15,200
Oh, I smell money!
29
00:01:17,002 --> 00:01:19,134
You can eat them now. What?
30
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They have stopped calling out.
They are dead.
31
00:01:44,135 --> 00:01:47,001
ALISON: Yeah, I mean,
it really is an incredible place.
32
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The building itself is 15th-century.
33
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Wow.
34
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,867
1469, to be precise.
35
00:01:53,868 --> 00:01:55,199
Very good.
36
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,600
But the facade is actually mid-16th.
37
00:01:56,601 --> 00:01:58,199
But the facade is actually mid-16th.
38
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'Tis the finest house in the county.
39
00:02:01,199 --> 00:02:05,199
Tell her it's the finest house
in the county. I don't want to...
40
00:02:05,201 --> 00:02:08,199
..blow our own trumpet,
41
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:11,505
but some people say that it is the
finest house in the county.
42
00:02:11,507 --> 00:02:13,506
Shall we go inside?
43
00:02:13,507 --> 00:02:15,506
I'm telling you, this is a bad idea.
44
00:02:15,507 --> 00:02:18,174
Actors lounging about the house,
45
00:02:18,175 --> 00:02:20,506
learning lines, wearing make-up,
46
00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:24,507
prancing about the place in
loincloths, topless, oiled up.
47
00:02:24,508 --> 00:02:29,441
Kissing each other probably. Oh,
gosh! I don't think it's that kind
of film, mate!
48
00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:31,441
This was the banqueting hall.
49
00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:34,507
Great space. Boo! Oh! Agh!
50
00:02:35,908 --> 00:02:38,506
Oh, I forgot to take out the bins.
51
00:02:38,507 --> 00:02:41,506
Anyway, what could I tell you
about this room?
52
00:02:41,507 --> 00:02:43,506
Henry VIII actually dined here.
53
00:02:43,507 --> 00:02:45,506
Wow! Henry VIII actually dined here.
54
00:02:45,507 --> 00:02:47,506
Sorry, did I say "wow"?
55
00:02:47,507 --> 00:02:49,640
I'm just still amazed by that.
56
00:02:49,641 --> 00:02:51,506
No, it is wow. Yeah.
57
00:02:51,507 --> 00:02:54,907
Yeah, you should've seen the
banquet. He had swan.
58
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:58,506
He had swan. And hog. And hog. And
dumplings. And dumplings. And figs.
59
00:02:58,507 --> 00:03:00,907
And figs. Absolutely stank out the
privy.
60
00:03:00,908 --> 00:03:04,506
And absolutely... loved the place.
Absolutely loved it.
61
00:03:04,507 --> 00:03:06,506
As do we!
62
00:03:06,507 --> 00:03:08,506
MIKE: Hmm. Shall we move on?
63
00:03:08,507 --> 00:03:10,506
Er, give us a lift?
64
00:03:10,507 --> 00:03:11,507
Mate?
HE SIGHS
65
00:03:11,508 --> 00:03:13,507
OK. Thank you. Yay!
66
00:03:15,507 --> 00:03:16,507
What's the programme, then?
67
00:03:16,508 --> 00:03:17,508
It's a period drama.
68
00:03:17,509 --> 00:03:20,640
Oh, what period? Stuart! Tudor!
Regency!
69
00:03:20,641 --> 00:03:23,041
Regency. Yes!
THUD!
70
00:03:23,042 --> 00:03:25,506
Sorry! Got carried away!
71
00:03:25,507 --> 00:03:27,506
Oh, there you are!
72
00:03:27,507 --> 00:03:28,507
Are you a sight for sore...?
73
00:03:28,508 --> 00:03:30,507
Oh, you are kidding me?
74
00:03:31,507 --> 00:03:36,640
When I have control of the hands,
I am going to punch you so hard.
75
00:03:36,641 --> 00:03:40,506
I think this place is perfect,
if you'd be willing to have us here
for a couple of months.
76
00:03:40,507 --> 00:03:42,506
How much would you be offering?
77
00:03:42,507 --> 00:03:45,308
3,000. We'd have to sleep on it.
78
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:47,506
3,000 a day is the most we can
offer. A day?!
79
00:03:47,507 --> 00:03:49,506
SHE SNORES
Morning! I've just slept on it
80
00:03:49,507 --> 00:03:51,506
and I say yes! And it's a yes from
me! Great!
81
00:03:51,507 --> 00:03:53,506
Just to warn you, though,
it is quite intrusive.
82
00:03:53,507 --> 00:03:55,506
Lots of personnel. Sounds fun.
83
00:03:55,507 --> 00:03:57,506
It can feel like you're not welcome
in your own home.
84
00:03:57,507 --> 00:03:59,506
Absolutely outrageous.
We're used to that.
85
00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:02,507
We've had building work going on.
Is there anything structural
we should know about?
86
00:04:02,508 --> 00:04:04,506
Well, the floor in this room...
No, no, no!
87
00:04:04,507 --> 00:04:06,506
No, there's nothing structural.
88
00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:09,506
Everything's structurally
sound as a pound!
89
00:04:09,507 --> 00:04:10,507
TIMBERS CREAK
90
00:04:10,508 --> 00:04:13,506
We were looking at a property
in the next village,
but they're a big family
91
00:04:13,507 --> 00:04:15,507
and they had some issues about
which rooms we could use.
92
00:04:15,508 --> 00:04:19,308
Well, we're easy. You can film
wherever you like, when you like.
93
00:04:19,309 --> 00:04:20,506
Cos it's just the two of us.
94
00:04:20,507 --> 00:04:22,507
Yeah...
95
00:04:27,507 --> 00:04:29,506
CAPTAIN: Oh, here they come. The
riff-raff.
96
00:04:29,507 --> 00:04:31,507
The lags. This will be chaos.
97
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:37,507
Hm.
98
00:04:41,507 --> 00:04:43,507
Morning. Mind your backs!
99
00:04:47,507 --> 00:04:50,175
ADs on channel 2, please.
100
00:04:52,507 --> 00:04:54,506
LADY BUTTON: Well, I'm keeping out
of it.
101
00:04:54,507 --> 00:04:58,506
Yes, though I might just,
erm... check.
102
00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,506
Yeah.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
103
00:05:00,507 --> 00:05:02,506
Hm.
104
00:05:02,507 --> 00:05:04,042
Um...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
105
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:08,506
Oh, that looks absolutely lovely,
that, doesn't it?
106
00:05:08,507 --> 00:05:10,506
You going to put an egg on it?
107
00:05:10,507 --> 00:05:12,640
He's put an egg on it!
HE CHUCKLES
108
00:05:12,641 --> 00:05:17,174
Can I have some veggie sausages,
please? No. On a roll. No.
109
00:05:17,175 --> 00:05:18,308
Disgusting.
110
00:05:18,309 --> 00:05:22,506
You be beautiful wigs
that I ever did s...
111
00:05:22,507 --> 00:05:25,506
Ooh!
SHE RETCHES
112
00:05:25,507 --> 00:05:28,506
Have you left your tongs on, Tina?
113
00:05:28,507 --> 00:05:30,506
Is this meant to be 1820s?
114
00:05:30,507 --> 00:05:32,506
Those are Rococo chairs and tables.
115
00:05:32,507 --> 00:05:34,507
You can tell by the legs.
They're Rococo legs.
116
00:05:35,507 --> 00:05:38,506
Hi, I'm Adam,
I'm the first assistant director.
117
00:05:38,507 --> 00:05:39,640
Nice to meet you, hi. Hi. Mike.
118
00:05:39,641 --> 00:05:43,506
Sorry... What do you mean,
he's still in make-up?
119
00:05:43,507 --> 00:05:45,506
We're not meant to have more than
15 people on this floor,
120
00:05:45,507 --> 00:05:47,506
and some of these things weigh as
much as people, so that's...
121
00:05:47,507 --> 00:05:49,506
It'll be fine.
I'm sure that's an exaggeration.
122
00:05:49,507 --> 00:05:50,640
But the survey said...
123
00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:53,506
Yeah, the survey also said that we
need to replace the drains,
124
00:05:53,507 --> 00:05:55,506
and we need this money to do that.
125
00:05:55,507 --> 00:05:57,507
There aren't that many people,
anyway.
126
00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:01,506
As long as there isn't anything
that's too heavy.
127
00:06:01,507 --> 00:06:02,507
Mind your backs!
128
00:06:02,508 --> 00:06:06,506
OK! You can store this in the other
room, actually.
129
00:06:06,507 --> 00:06:08,174
It's easier for you then, isn't it?
130
00:06:08,175 --> 00:06:10,506
Just keep things a bit more
uncluttered in here.
131
00:06:10,507 --> 00:06:14,506
The room just along there. Can we
just...? Er...
132
00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:16,506
Little horse go clippy-clippy-clop.
133
00:06:16,507 --> 00:06:18,507
Oh, I see. Oh, hey!
134
00:06:19,908 --> 00:06:21,507
No! What a business!
135
00:06:24,507 --> 00:06:27,507
Oh, you done it now, man.
136
00:06:27,508 --> 00:06:31,506
I suppose we should call it a day...
Hello to you, sir!
137
00:06:31,507 --> 00:06:33,506
HE CHUCKLES
138
00:06:33,507 --> 00:06:35,507
The gee-gees, come on, then.
Let's have a bit of this.
139
00:06:35,508 --> 00:06:37,507
Come on.
140
00:06:38,507 --> 00:06:40,506
HE STRAINS WITH EFFORT
OK.
141
00:06:40,507 --> 00:06:42,507
That's an arrival on Toby.
Just stepping out of the car.
142
00:06:52,442 --> 00:06:53,507
Oh, my God.
143
00:06:53,508 --> 00:06:56,506
Who is that? Toby Nightingale.
144
00:06:56,507 --> 00:06:58,506
He is... Hot, right?
145
00:06:58,507 --> 00:07:00,506
It's certainly a lot of layers.
146
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:05,441
No, Kitty, she means to say
she's in love with him.
147
00:07:05,442 --> 00:07:06,506
A knife in my heart!
148
00:07:06,507 --> 00:07:08,506
Look at all his servants.
149
00:07:08,507 --> 00:07:10,506
He looks preposterous.
150
00:07:10,507 --> 00:07:12,506
Nine, ten...
151
00:07:12,507 --> 00:07:14,506
He counts as two.
152
00:07:14,507 --> 00:07:15,508
What are you...?
153
00:07:17,641 --> 00:07:19,640
Ah.
154
00:07:19,641 --> 00:07:22,506
Oh, no. Everything OK?
155
00:07:22,507 --> 00:07:24,506
No. Yeah. Everything's fine.
156
00:07:24,507 --> 00:07:27,506
It's just Toby Nightingale,
that's her free pass.
157
00:07:27,507 --> 00:07:29,506
Free pass? Oh, right!
158
00:07:29,507 --> 00:07:30,507
Ha! Don't let him hear that.
159
00:07:30,508 --> 00:07:33,507
Yeah, I won't. I definitely won't.
160
00:07:38,507 --> 00:07:40,308
Julian! I say, Julian!
161
00:07:40,309 --> 00:07:42,308
What do you want? I'm terribly busy.
162
00:07:42,309 --> 00:07:45,174
You wouldn't happen to know what
a "free pass" means?
163
00:07:45,175 --> 00:07:46,506
Something Michael said.
164
00:07:46,507 --> 00:07:48,506
Oh, yes. Samantha Fox was mine.
165
00:07:48,507 --> 00:07:51,308
I do hope she's still modelling.
Very talented lady.
166
00:07:51,309 --> 00:07:53,174
Alison's is this actor fellow.
167
00:07:53,175 --> 00:07:54,640
What does it mean?
168
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:57,506
Well, it's a sort of clause
in a marriage contract.
169
00:07:57,507 --> 00:08:01,441
A named exception to the rule of
monogamy.
170
00:08:01,442 --> 00:08:03,506
Sometimes there's a whole list of
people
171
00:08:03,507 --> 00:08:06,507
with whom one can enter into
congress without consequences.
172
00:08:06,508 --> 00:08:09,774
My God! Margot had three of the
Gladiators on her list -
173
00:08:09,775 --> 00:08:13,308
Wolf, Cobra and John Fashanu.
174
00:08:13,309 --> 00:08:17,506
You mean to say that this player,
this minstrel,
175
00:08:17,507 --> 00:08:20,506
is allowed to bed fair Alison?
176
00:08:20,507 --> 00:08:22,507
He's her free pass.
177
00:08:28,507 --> 00:08:32,506
CREW MEMBER: I'll start here,
and I think I'm going to approach...
178
00:08:32,507 --> 00:08:36,506
What are they feeding the metal cow?
179
00:08:36,507 --> 00:08:40,506
Oh! No, that's not a cow, Mary, no.
That's called a camera.
180
00:08:40,507 --> 00:08:42,907
Yes. They're just cleaning the lens.
181
00:08:42,908 --> 00:08:45,308
Is that its mouth?
182
00:08:45,309 --> 00:08:48,506
No, no, no. That's its, erm, eye.
183
00:08:48,507 --> 00:08:50,506
OK, cheques are happy.
184
00:08:50,507 --> 00:08:53,506
What does that mean?
185
00:08:53,507 --> 00:08:55,174
I thought you weren't interested?
186
00:08:55,175 --> 00:08:58,041
What? No, no, no,
I just wanted to, erm, you know?
187
00:08:58,042 --> 00:08:59,907
Can we clear the frame now?
188
00:08:59,908 --> 00:09:02,506
First positions. Call for quiet.
189
00:09:02,507 --> 00:09:05,506
Quiet on set, please!
That's extraordinary. Camera set?
190
00:09:05,507 --> 00:09:08,506
MIKE: Huh! Getting a good look,
are we?
191
00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:10,506
DIRECTOR: Quiet! Hm?
192
00:09:10,507 --> 00:09:13,640
Alison! Shush. A word, if you
please. Shh-shh-shh!
193
00:09:13,641 --> 00:09:15,775
Is it true that...? Shush...
194
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,507
..everyone.
195
00:09:23,507 --> 00:09:25,507
Thank you.
196
00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:29,506
And action! Oh, that's very good.
197
00:09:29,507 --> 00:09:30,774
They've left for London.
198
00:09:30,775 --> 00:09:35,506
It's a pity that such a sweet girl
should have such low connections.
199
00:09:35,507 --> 00:09:37,506
Ooh! She's a fancy flapjack.
200
00:09:37,507 --> 00:09:40,774
Perhaps you are too harsh on
your sex, Miss Jane.
201
00:09:40,775 --> 00:09:44,774
In truth, you have not had
experience of all of society.
202
00:09:44,775 --> 00:09:48,041
I am beginning to believe
that this severity
203
00:09:48,042 --> 00:09:49,507
is born from other distractions.
204
00:09:49,508 --> 00:09:53,506
TIMBERS CREAK
205
00:09:53,507 --> 00:09:56,506
Do you find yourself distracted,
Miss Jane?
206
00:09:56,507 --> 00:09:58,506
My lord.
207
00:09:58,507 --> 00:09:59,641
WHISPERS: Kiss him!
208
00:10:03,507 --> 00:10:06,506
MAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
What is it? Damn you!
209
00:10:06,507 --> 00:10:09,506
Yes, what is it? Damn you!
A letter for you, Lord Byron, sir.
210
00:10:09,507 --> 00:10:11,441
Byron? Cut!
211
00:10:11,442 --> 00:10:15,506
Cut what? Oh, not my lace!
Byron? Did he say Byron?
212
00:10:15,507 --> 00:10:17,308
Isn't he going to read the letter?
213
00:10:17,309 --> 00:10:18,506
I'm sure Adam knows what he's doing.
214
00:10:18,507 --> 00:10:21,506
That's one out, three in. Four.
215
00:10:21,507 --> 00:10:22,774
God, they're everywhere!
216
00:10:22,775 --> 00:10:24,506
This is about Byron?
217
00:10:24,507 --> 00:10:26,640
Well, yeah, I mean,
the clue is in the title, mate.
218
00:10:26,641 --> 00:10:28,506
HE GASPS
219
00:10:28,507 --> 00:10:30,174
What effrontery is this?
220
00:10:30,175 --> 00:10:33,309
I cannot and will not bear it!
221
00:10:34,507 --> 00:10:36,507
Can we take that key light up
a little?
222
00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:41,775
Ohh...
223
00:10:42,508 --> 00:10:45,308
You do light.
224
00:10:45,309 --> 00:10:47,506
HE CHUCKLES
225
00:10:47,507 --> 00:10:50,506
He's smaller in real life, isn't he?
Taller, if anything.
226
00:10:50,507 --> 00:10:52,506
I wish I could see his calves.
227
00:10:52,507 --> 00:10:55,308
I bet he's got lovely calves.
228
00:10:55,309 --> 00:10:57,506
Well, I thought that was rather
good. No good for me.
229
00:10:57,507 --> 00:10:59,506
It sounds like there's a radio
on somewhere.
230
00:10:59,507 --> 00:11:01,175
Can we find out where the...?
I'm on it.
231
00:11:02,175 --> 00:11:05,506
I can also hear a wood pigeon.
Yeah, good luck with that one, mate.
232
00:11:05,507 --> 00:11:08,506
What's up after this one? We're in
the bedroom for the sex scene.
233
00:11:08,507 --> 00:11:11,174
Oh, my!
234
00:11:11,175 --> 00:11:14,506
RACING COMMENTARY ON RADIO
235
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,308
Sorry, Julian, they can hear it
on set.
236
00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:18,506
No, actually, this is important.
237
00:11:18,507 --> 00:11:20,506
I need to... Don't do that!
I've got a bet on.
238
00:11:20,507 --> 00:11:22,506
You've got a bet on?
That's what I said.
239
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:25,308
You can't bet, you're dead.
All right, don't rub it in.
240
00:11:25,309 --> 00:11:27,041
It's a sportsman's bet with myself.
241
00:11:27,042 --> 00:11:29,506
Ooh, hold on a minute.
242
00:11:29,507 --> 00:11:30,907
You could put a bet on for me.
243
00:11:30,908 --> 00:11:32,506
You haven't got any money,
you're...
244
00:11:32,507 --> 00:11:34,907
Dead! I know, you just said that,
I get it!
245
00:11:34,908 --> 00:11:36,506
But you could keep my winnings,
246
00:11:36,507 --> 00:11:38,507
maybe buy yourself
a pretty little dress.
247
00:11:38,508 --> 00:11:41,640
Perhaps some make-up.
Make yourself look nice.
248
00:11:41,641 --> 00:11:45,506
I really believe you have it
in you, Alison.
249
00:11:45,507 --> 00:11:47,506
Just need a bit of help, that's all.
250
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:49,506
Wow. You're welcome.
251
00:11:49,507 --> 00:11:50,507
Just keep the radio off, please!
252
00:11:50,508 --> 00:11:53,507
Will do! Mystery Queen 10-1!
253
00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,506
HE STRAINS WITH EFFORT
254
00:11:57,507 --> 00:12:00,441
Sorted. Thank you. OK!
255
00:12:00,442 --> 00:12:02,309
I can hear the radio again. One sec!
256
00:12:04,175 --> 00:12:06,507
RADIO ON
I told you to turn it off.
257
00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:10,506
No, actually, no, you didn't.
You said... Er... hold on a moment!
258
00:12:10,507 --> 00:12:13,506
This is my house too.
I have a right to the amenities.
259
00:12:13,507 --> 00:12:15,507
This is an infringement of my...
Write to your MP!
260
00:12:16,507 --> 00:12:18,506
She got me there.
261
00:12:18,507 --> 00:12:21,507
Sorry about that.
It won't happen again now.
262
00:12:23,175 --> 00:12:24,507
OK.
263
00:12:24,508 --> 00:12:27,506
Let's not get behind.
First positions, please!
264
00:12:27,507 --> 00:12:29,506
That's it, Adam, call them to
order! Sound speed.
265
00:12:29,507 --> 00:12:32,506
Here we go, stand by! Settle.
266
00:12:32,507 --> 00:12:34,441
And action! Action.
267
00:12:34,442 --> 00:12:36,506
They've left for London.
268
00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:41,441
It's a pity that such a sweet girl
should have such low connections.
269
00:12:41,442 --> 00:12:43,308
She said that before.
Yes, that's because...
270
00:12:43,309 --> 00:12:45,506
Please, Pat. We're turning.
271
00:12:45,507 --> 00:12:47,506
Perhaps you are too harsh on
your sex, Miss Jane.
272
00:12:47,507 --> 00:12:49,506
HE GROANS
In truth you have not had
273
00:12:49,507 --> 00:12:52,175
experience of all of society.
274
00:12:55,507 --> 00:12:58,506
I am beginning to believe
that this severity
275
00:12:58,507 --> 00:12:59,507
is born of other distractions.
276
00:13:01,908 --> 00:13:05,506
Do you find yourself distracted,
Miss Jane?
277
00:13:05,507 --> 00:13:07,506
ELECTRICITY FIZZES
278
00:13:07,507 --> 00:13:08,507
CAPTAIN: Robin!
279
00:13:08,508 --> 00:13:10,507
ALISON: For God's sake!
280
00:13:14,507 --> 00:13:17,506
Sorry. It was just a really good
take, wasn't it?
281
00:13:17,507 --> 00:13:19,308
Harry!
282
00:13:19,309 --> 00:13:22,506
Sorry, I don't know why that
happened. I'll sort it.
283
00:13:22,507 --> 00:13:25,506
OK, let's cut and reset
as quickly as possible, please.
284
00:13:25,507 --> 00:13:27,640
No, we don't have time. We'll just
use the beginning of that one.
285
00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:30,506
Let's move on before we lose the
day. OK, moving on!
286
00:13:30,507 --> 00:13:32,174
Set up for the next shot, please.
287
00:13:32,175 --> 00:13:34,506
CAPTAIN: Moving on, please,
everyone. Moving on.
288
00:13:34,507 --> 00:13:36,506
DIRECTOR: Can I take a look at
playback, please?
289
00:13:36,507 --> 00:13:39,506
RECORDING PLAYS
'Tis witchcraft.
290
00:13:39,507 --> 00:13:41,774
Their souls be captured
in the window.
291
00:13:41,775 --> 00:13:46,506
Oh, no, no, no. It's all being
recorded on to a video cassette.
292
00:13:46,507 --> 00:13:49,308
But how are they cleft in twain?
293
00:13:49,309 --> 00:13:51,506
They be there and there.
294
00:13:51,507 --> 00:13:53,442
What?
295
00:13:55,507 --> 00:13:57,042
Oh, God.
296
00:13:59,507 --> 00:14:03,506
Um... Sorry, if I distracted
you there.
297
00:14:03,507 --> 00:14:06,506
Oh, I didn't notice.
I was completely in the scene.
298
00:14:06,507 --> 00:14:08,506
Great.
299
00:14:08,507 --> 00:14:10,506
We haven't met, have we?
300
00:14:10,507 --> 00:14:12,506
I'm Toby. I-I-I'm Alison.
301
00:14:12,507 --> 00:14:16,506
Can I just say how good I thought
you were in The Shoe Shiner?
302
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:17,507
Fire away.
303
00:14:19,507 --> 00:14:20,507
Oh, er, yeah.
304
00:14:20,508 --> 00:14:22,506
I just thought you were so good.
305
00:14:22,507 --> 00:14:25,506
It's actually one of my favourite
films. I'm Mike.
306
00:14:25,507 --> 00:14:28,174
I completely believed
that you were blind.
307
00:14:28,175 --> 00:14:30,506
Thanks. I spent a week at a hotel
for the blind.
308
00:14:30,507 --> 00:14:33,441
Wore a blindfold,
really got to know the condition.
309
00:14:33,442 --> 00:14:35,506
One of the most rewarding times
of my life.
310
00:14:35,507 --> 00:14:40,308
Wow. I tell you what,
food never tasted so good.
311
00:14:40,309 --> 00:14:42,308
Now I always eat with my eyes
closed.
312
00:14:42,309 --> 00:14:43,506
Mind your backs, please!
313
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:45,907
Whoa-whoa-whoa.
314
00:14:45,908 --> 00:14:48,907
Excuse me, Toby. No problem.
315
00:14:48,908 --> 00:14:50,506
Nice to meet you, Abigail.
316
00:14:50,507 --> 00:14:51,507
It's... It's Alison.
317
00:14:51,508 --> 00:14:54,506
That looks really heavy.
Shall we just come clean?
318
00:14:54,507 --> 00:14:56,506
What, and tell them that they're
working on a death trap?
319
00:14:56,507 --> 00:14:59,507
Look, if you go outside,
that's one less.
320
00:15:01,507 --> 00:15:02,507
Both of us.
321
00:15:03,507 --> 00:15:04,908
Fine.
322
00:15:16,442 --> 00:15:17,506
Curses!
323
00:15:17,507 --> 00:15:19,174
A pox on all of them...
324
00:15:19,175 --> 00:15:20,507
..apart from Alison.
325
00:15:21,507 --> 00:15:23,442
Finally!
326
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:27,506
Come to coax me back, have you?
327
00:15:27,507 --> 00:15:29,506
It's no use!
328
00:15:29,507 --> 00:15:32,506
Nothing will persuade me to...
Oh, it's you.
329
00:15:32,507 --> 00:15:34,507
Go and get Alis...
Oh, he can't hear me.
330
00:15:36,507 --> 00:15:38,506
Harry, can you hurry with that
light, please?
331
00:15:38,507 --> 00:15:41,506
So the metal cow remembers what it
sees...
332
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:43,506
Through its one eye?
333
00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:45,907
Yeah. And it sends the memories
through the cables...
334
00:15:45,908 --> 00:15:47,506
Worms. Worms, if you like.
335
00:15:47,507 --> 00:15:49,506
..to the little window.
336
00:15:49,507 --> 00:15:53,640
Where the tiny peoples dance
the memories.
337
00:15:53,641 --> 00:15:55,907
Yeah, if you like.
338
00:15:55,908 --> 00:15:58,774
Ohh! Come to dadda.
339
00:15:58,775 --> 00:16:01,506
There we go, that's all good.
HE GRUNTS
340
00:16:01,507 --> 00:16:04,506
ELECTRICITY FIZZES
341
00:16:04,507 --> 00:16:05,507
HE GRUNTS
342
00:16:05,508 --> 00:16:07,174
THUD!
343
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,506
Seems to be all right now.
344
00:16:08,507 --> 00:16:11,506
Thanks, Harry, just one more,
from the top.
345
00:16:11,507 --> 00:16:14,506
I thought they were moving on?
When are they moving on?
346
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,506
Oh, they do lots of different
camera angles. How many?
347
00:16:17,507 --> 00:16:18,507
Quiet on set, please!
348
00:16:18,508 --> 00:16:20,506
Quiet on set, please.
349
00:16:20,507 --> 00:16:21,507
Turning over. Sound speed.
350
00:16:21,508 --> 00:16:23,506
And action! Action.
351
00:16:23,507 --> 00:16:26,506
MISS JANE: They've left for London.
It's a pity...
352
00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:28,506
Stand aside, Thorne!
353
00:16:28,507 --> 00:16:30,506
You really want to know what vexed
me? GHOSTS: No!
354
00:16:30,507 --> 00:16:32,506
Fine, I'll tell you.
CAPTAIN SIGHS
355
00:16:32,507 --> 00:16:35,506
Lord Byron was my greatest foe.
356
00:16:35,507 --> 00:16:39,506
If I had flesh
and this were Byron himself,
357
00:16:39,507 --> 00:16:41,506
I would damn well run him through!
358
00:16:41,507 --> 00:16:43,507
He stole my verse,
359
00:16:43,508 --> 00:16:45,506
my destiny,
360
00:16:45,507 --> 00:16:49,506
and now he is to steal
the woman of my dreams!
361
00:16:49,507 --> 00:16:51,506
You say every woman is
the woman of your dreams.
362
00:16:51,507 --> 00:16:54,640
I have a lot of dreams!
And most of them are about women...
363
00:16:54,641 --> 00:16:57,506
..apart from the one
where I have the body of a crab.
364
00:16:57,507 --> 00:17:01,041
SERVANT CLEARS HIS THROAT
What is it? Damn you!
365
00:17:01,042 --> 00:17:04,441
Begging your pardon.
A letter for you, Lord Byron, sir.
366
00:17:04,442 --> 00:17:08,506
I will not tolerate this sordid
pantomime in my house
367
00:17:08,507 --> 00:17:11,506
glorifying this charlatan!
368
00:17:11,507 --> 00:17:13,507
This cad!
369
00:17:13,508 --> 00:17:16,506
This wazzock!
HE GASPS
370
00:17:16,507 --> 00:17:17,774
What's a wazzock?
371
00:17:17,775 --> 00:17:23,506
Pat says it! I'm going to drown
myself in the lake.
372
00:17:23,507 --> 00:17:26,308
TEARFULLY: I mean it!
373
00:17:26,309 --> 00:17:28,174
Cut! Cut there!
374
00:17:28,175 --> 00:17:30,041
Right, we're going to take
a couple of minutes,
375
00:17:30,042 --> 00:17:31,640
just to turn things around
for the reverse.
376
00:17:31,641 --> 00:17:33,506
Actors, you can relax yourselves
off.
377
00:17:33,507 --> 00:17:36,640
Right, that's two minutes, people,
and then we're going to turn it
round.
378
00:17:36,641 --> 00:17:39,775
Thank you very much.
God, this is good.
379
00:17:44,507 --> 00:17:46,308
Oh, hey, Abigail. Oh, it's Alis...
380
00:17:46,309 --> 00:17:47,774
I wonder if I could ask you a
favour.
381
00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:50,506
I've got this scene later,
I need to run the lines.
382
00:17:50,507 --> 00:17:52,506
I didn't want to ask her, because I
find it can stifle spontaneity,
383
00:17:52,507 --> 00:17:54,506
and I want to keep it fresh and
beautiful.
384
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,441
I'm Lord Byron, obviously. Yep.
385
00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:58,506
I've thought of nothing
but you all day.
386
00:17:58,507 --> 00:18:01,441
Have you? Oh...
387
00:18:01,442 --> 00:18:03,174
No, that's the scene,
that's the first line.
388
00:18:03,175 --> 00:18:05,506
Oh, oh-oh! Oh! Of course!
389
00:18:05,507 --> 00:18:08,441
Why would you...? That's... OK!
390
00:18:08,442 --> 00:18:10,506
I've thought of nothing but you
all day. Hm.
391
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,907
Do not deny your feelings.
392
00:18:12,908 --> 00:18:15,507
I do not. Alison? Oh, my heart.
393
00:18:16,507 --> 00:18:19,041
First, I will kiss your lips. Ohh!
394
00:18:19,042 --> 00:18:21,506
Then I will undress you. Ohh...
395
00:18:21,507 --> 00:18:23,175
And then...
396
00:18:27,309 --> 00:18:28,508
And then...
397
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:02,507
HE TUTS
Squares!
398
00:19:05,507 --> 00:19:07,507
TOILET FLUSHES
399
00:19:14,507 --> 00:19:16,640
RACING COMMENTARY ON RADIO
Ha! Bingo!
400
00:19:16,641 --> 00:19:19,506
WOMAN: Can we have some music on,
please, Cathy?
401
00:19:19,507 --> 00:19:23,506
My bus, my rules!
I've got 20 quid on this!
402
00:19:23,507 --> 00:19:27,506
Ah, yes.
HE CHUCKLES
403
00:19:27,507 --> 00:19:29,506
You are on a sinful path.
404
00:19:29,507 --> 00:19:31,506
I can't talk about this now.
It's not what you think it is.
405
00:19:31,507 --> 00:19:34,506
Oh, I know all about this
so-called free pass.
406
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,506
Your husband may be satisfied
but, I tell you, I am not.
407
00:19:37,507 --> 00:19:40,506
The marriage vows are sacred,
and I will not have you
408
00:19:40,507 --> 00:19:44,508
sullying the good name of this
family with your wanton debauchery!
409
00:19:56,175 --> 00:19:57,507
Mm...
410
00:19:58,507 --> 00:20:01,506
Hey! Hi! How's it going?
411
00:20:01,507 --> 00:20:04,506
What are you wearing?
Oh, I thought I'd go for a run.
412
00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:06,506
Now? You don't run.
Hey, going for a run?
413
00:20:06,507 --> 00:20:08,907
Yeah, I like to keep in shape.
414
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:11,174
What are we talking? 5K?
415
00:20:11,175 --> 00:20:12,506
Pfft! 10... at least.
416
00:20:12,507 --> 00:20:15,041
Cool. I'm actually in training
for my next project.
417
00:20:15,042 --> 00:20:20,506
I'm playing a mountain climber,
so I'm mainly focusing on upper-body
strength. Yeah? Me... me too!
418
00:20:20,507 --> 00:20:21,507
One...
419
00:20:24,507 --> 00:20:28,308
Why is that...? Are you actually
going up a real-life mountain?
420
00:20:28,309 --> 00:20:30,308
Of course.
Mike couldn't do that.
421
00:20:30,309 --> 00:20:32,174
He's scared of heights.
I wouldn't say scared.
422
00:20:32,175 --> 00:20:34,775
Oh, I love them, if anything.
Don't faze me at all.
423
00:20:36,507 --> 00:20:39,506
OK, back on in five, everyone!
424
00:20:39,507 --> 00:20:42,506
OK, well, I'd better get going.
425
00:20:42,507 --> 00:20:44,506
Keep an eye on the floor, yeah? Hm.
426
00:20:44,507 --> 00:20:46,507
Enjoy your 10K.
427
00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:50,506
Oh, my God.
How much does that thing weigh?
428
00:20:50,507 --> 00:20:52,506
Watch yourself, coming through.
429
00:20:52,507 --> 00:20:56,507
Where have all these people come
from? There's twice as many.
430
00:20:59,507 --> 00:21:01,174
HE STRAINS
431
00:21:01,175 --> 00:21:02,506
ELECTRICITY FIZZES
432
00:21:02,507 --> 00:21:04,174
In your face!
433
00:21:04,175 --> 00:21:06,506
Robin! What the bally hell
do you think you're playing at?
434
00:21:06,507 --> 00:21:09,506
Bigger boy made me do it.
No! It's nonsense, and you know it!
435
00:21:09,507 --> 00:21:12,506
Yeah, I just think it's a shame
we're not just pushing in
436
00:21:12,507 --> 00:21:15,506
for that moment there,
just to capture the emotion.
437
00:21:15,507 --> 00:21:17,506
Well, I'm sure they know what
they're doing, Mary.
438
00:21:17,507 --> 00:21:19,506
Will, can you just push in a little?
Just get the emotion.
439
00:21:19,507 --> 00:21:21,506
Yeah, sure. Well done, Mary!
440
00:21:21,507 --> 00:21:24,507
KITTY SIGHS
This is taking for ever.
441
00:21:34,507 --> 00:21:35,508
Oh!
442
00:21:38,507 --> 00:21:41,507
That's probably about 10K.
443
00:21:49,507 --> 00:21:51,507
Little short cut...
444
00:21:55,507 --> 00:21:58,507
Oh... Why is that?
BOTH: First positions.
445
00:21:59,507 --> 00:22:01,506
Thanks for your patience, everyone.
446
00:22:01,507 --> 00:22:03,308
This is the last set-up.
447
00:22:03,309 --> 00:22:05,775
Toby. Toby.
448
00:22:08,042 --> 00:22:10,508
Lord Byron? Yes? First positions.
449
00:22:14,175 --> 00:22:16,441
Turning. Sound speed!
450
00:22:16,442 --> 00:22:17,506
And action. Action.
451
00:22:17,507 --> 00:22:19,506
They've left for London.
452
00:22:19,507 --> 00:22:20,908
CREAKING
453
00:22:26,507 --> 00:22:30,507
In truth, you have not had
experience of all of society.
454
00:22:31,507 --> 00:22:34,506
I am beginning to believe
that this severity
455
00:22:34,507 --> 00:22:36,507
is born from other distractions.
456
00:22:39,507 --> 00:22:42,508
CREAKING
457
00:22:48,507 --> 00:22:53,507
Do you find yourself distracted,
Miss Jane?
458
00:23:01,507 --> 00:23:03,175
My lord.
459
00:23:04,507 --> 00:23:07,507
And cut! That's scene complete.
460
00:23:12,442 --> 00:23:14,506
That should hold it.
461
00:23:14,507 --> 00:23:17,506
Jolly good. Excellent work,
everybody, thank you.
462
00:23:17,507 --> 00:23:19,907
Thank you so much for your hard work
today, everyone.
463
00:23:19,908 --> 00:23:22,506
It does not go unnoticed.
Lovely working with you, thank you.
464
00:23:22,507 --> 00:23:25,506
Thank God. I thought they were
never going to finish.
465
00:23:25,507 --> 00:23:27,506
Moving on to the bedroom.
466
00:23:27,507 --> 00:23:30,506
Closed set, just essential crew,
please, cos there'll be nudity.
467
00:23:30,507 --> 00:23:32,506
Oh, I hope he has a hairy chest.
468
00:23:32,507 --> 00:23:35,506
Good Lord.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
469
00:23:35,507 --> 00:23:39,506
OK, it's a closed set. There will be
intercourse, apparently.
470
00:23:39,507 --> 00:23:44,506
OVER RADIO: Next up, it's the
main event of the day, this is
the big one, the King Henry Stakes.
471
00:23:44,507 --> 00:23:47,506
As the riders line up,
the atmosphere here
is absolutely electric.
472
00:23:47,507 --> 00:23:50,506
Here we go! Fingers-fingers!
473
00:23:50,507 --> 00:23:52,506
There you are, Harry, straight
through, yep.
474
00:23:52,507 --> 00:23:54,507
First door on the right, thank you.
Er, no. No, thank you.
475
00:23:54,508 --> 00:23:56,506
You heard Adam. It's a closed set.
476
00:23:56,507 --> 00:23:59,308
Essential crew only.
Especially not you, Robin!
477
00:23:59,309 --> 00:24:02,506
I'll be good. There's no harm in it.
They can't see us, mate.
478
00:24:02,507 --> 00:24:04,506
Yeah, we're ghosts,
you warty old crunk.
479
00:24:04,507 --> 00:24:08,774
That is beside the point. Rules
are rules, and young Adam deserves
our every respect.
480
00:24:08,775 --> 00:24:11,506
OK, if everyone's happy.
Let's clear the room.
481
00:24:11,507 --> 00:24:12,507
ROBIN GRUNTS
482
00:24:12,508 --> 00:24:14,774
TOBY BLOWS THROUGH LIPS
Mah!
483
00:24:14,775 --> 00:24:18,308
Good Lord. Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Why he do rain dance?
484
00:24:18,309 --> 00:24:20,506
The Devil plays with his strings!
485
00:24:20,507 --> 00:24:24,441
Oh, no, no, no, no. He's getting
himself in the zone.
486
00:24:24,442 --> 00:24:25,507
Ah.
487
00:24:27,507 --> 00:24:29,507
SHE GIGGLES
488
00:24:32,175 --> 00:24:33,506
Fixed it!
489
00:24:33,507 --> 00:24:35,506
Oh, great!
490
00:24:35,507 --> 00:24:37,640
Before or after the 10K?
491
00:24:37,641 --> 00:24:39,506
Where's your free pass?
492
00:24:39,507 --> 00:24:41,041
You...
493
00:24:41,042 --> 00:24:43,441
You're not are you actually jealous?
494
00:24:43,442 --> 00:24:44,507
No.
495
00:24:45,641 --> 00:24:47,506
But, I mean, he is handsome.
496
00:24:47,507 --> 00:24:49,175
Hm.
497
00:24:52,507 --> 00:24:54,508
And... action.
498
00:24:56,442 --> 00:24:58,775
GHOSTS CLAMOUR
CAPTAIN: No, thank you!
499
00:25:00,507 --> 00:25:02,442
I've thought of nothing
but you all day.
500
00:25:04,507 --> 00:25:06,308
Yes!
501
00:25:06,309 --> 00:25:08,506
What are you all doing here?
We're not allowed in.
502
00:25:08,507 --> 00:25:11,308
They're making love. What?!
503
00:25:11,309 --> 00:25:14,506
No, no, no, Fanny, no! No, Fanny!
504
00:25:14,507 --> 00:25:17,506
OVER RADIO: Bradley's Misdemeanour
challenged by the outsider
Mystery Queen.
505
00:25:17,507 --> 00:25:19,506
Come on, Bradley!
Come on, Mystery Queen!
506
00:25:19,507 --> 00:25:22,506
SHE GASPS
Alison!
507
00:25:22,507 --> 00:25:25,506
First, I will kiss you...
HE SCREAMS
508
00:25:25,507 --> 00:25:28,907
OVER RADIO: Mystery Queen on the
nearside... BOTH: Come on!
509
00:25:28,908 --> 00:25:31,506
Help! I can't pull myself up.
HE SHRIEKS
510
00:25:31,507 --> 00:25:32,907
BOTH: Come on!
511
00:25:32,908 --> 00:25:34,907
TOBY SHRIEKS
Stop kicking!
512
00:25:34,908 --> 00:25:36,506
BOTH: Come on!
513
00:25:36,507 --> 00:25:38,506
ELECTRICITY ZAPS
514
00:25:38,507 --> 00:25:41,041
RADIO TURNS OFF
Oh, come on!
515
00:25:41,042 --> 00:25:43,506
Robin! What? It wasn't me!
516
00:25:43,507 --> 00:25:47,506
Have you got me? Have you got me?
It's OK. Let yourself down.
Slowly.
517
00:25:47,507 --> 00:25:48,507
Have you got...?
518
00:25:48,508 --> 00:25:52,441
HE GASPS
Oh, God. Oh, God.
519
00:25:52,442 --> 00:25:55,506
You're fine now,
you're all right now.
520
00:25:55,507 --> 00:25:57,175
All right.
521
00:26:01,507 --> 00:26:04,506
Someone get a medic in here.
Toby, are you OK? No, I'm not.
522
00:26:04,507 --> 00:26:06,506
I could've died,
and then where would you be?
523
00:26:06,507 --> 00:26:08,506
Where did you get that from?
524
00:26:08,507 --> 00:26:10,506
HE SPITS
525
00:26:10,507 --> 00:26:11,507
I think you know.
526
00:26:18,507 --> 00:26:20,506
CAPTAIN: That's a terrible shame.
527
00:26:20,507 --> 00:26:23,506
I thought you didn't want them here?
Not for me, for you.
528
00:26:23,507 --> 00:26:24,507
The money and so on.
529
00:26:24,508 --> 00:26:26,506
I shan't miss him... them!
530
00:26:26,507 --> 00:26:29,506
'Tis back to boredom, I suppose.
531
00:26:29,507 --> 00:26:33,441
Oh, never bored with chess board.
532
00:26:33,442 --> 00:26:36,506
Well, I think it quite the best to
be free from distractions.
533
00:26:36,507 --> 00:26:40,506
You do know that free pass thing's
a joke? Wasn't in my marriage.
534
00:26:40,507 --> 00:26:42,506
Goodbye, £96,000.
535
00:26:42,507 --> 00:26:43,507
Yeah...
536
00:26:43,508 --> 00:26:45,774
Well, at least we won 100 quid.
537
00:26:45,775 --> 00:26:49,041
Mystery Queen.
Got a tip from a ghost.
538
00:26:49,042 --> 00:26:52,506
That's how we can make money!
No, they're... they're ghosts, Mike.
539
00:26:52,507 --> 00:26:54,640
I think you're thinking of
time-travellers.
540
00:26:54,641 --> 00:26:56,506
Oh.
541
00:26:56,507 --> 00:26:58,441
Yeah, but... No.
542
00:26:58,442 --> 00:26:59,507
Well, Thomas will be glad they've
gone.
543
00:26:59,508 --> 00:27:02,507
Yeah, perhaps someone
should tell him.
544
00:27:05,507 --> 00:27:08,175
Come on, Pat. Chop chop!
545
00:27:20,507 --> 00:27:21,507
HE SIGHS DEEPLY
55444
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