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1
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He said, "I don't bother
with the Grand National any more.
2
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:28,922
"Last year, my horse started
at 33-to-1 at Aintree
3
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,281
"and ended up as 2-for-1 at ASDA."
4
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:32,925
(LAUGHTER)
5
00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,571
Excuse me!
Could we get the bill, please?
6
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:37,721
Of course.
7
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,566
Anyway, like I was saying, erm,
we were at Lingfield. '89, was it?
8
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,603
- KEVIN: No! It was later than that.
- Eh?
9
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,409
KEVIN: Yes, it was after Diana had died.
10
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:48,529
- Well, what's she got to do with it?
- Well, I, I just remember.
11
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:52,889
All right, well, '99, whatever, and the
Professor here had worked out if we
12
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,442
put this accumulator on seven races we
could have made, what was it, Archie?
13
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,045
- Half a million.
- Half a million!
14
00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,646
Well, it wasn't half a million,
it was 469,000.
15
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:01,846
MALCOLM: Yeah, all right, fucking hell.
16
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,126
We're not to the nearest quid, are we?
17
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,009
Kevin, will you stop
interrupting me flow?
18
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,206
- Yep, I'm sorry.
- Right.
19
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:10,080
So, we all had to pick seven horses
and put a tenner each in the diddlum.
20
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:12,081
The what?
21
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:13,241
The diddlum.
22
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,361
What's a diddlum?
23
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:18,011
The diddlum!
It's a whatsit where you all chip in!
24
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:19,445
It's a diddlum,
you never heard of a diddlum?
25
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,761
- No. (LAUGHS)
- It's where you pay in a bit each week.
26
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:22,927
It's a savings scheme.
27
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,650
Oh, what, sort of like a Northern thing?
28
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:27,849
You know, "Put, put that money in't
diddlum and buy some whippets
29
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,331
"and barm cakes and..."
30
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:31,321
Sorry, go on.
31
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,721
So, anyway, er, we'd all put
in our diddlum money
32
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,802
and chose a horse each
for the first round.
33
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:37,848
Er, you had, what was it,
er, Hoof Hearted?
34
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:39,888
Hoof Hearted, 3-1 second favourite.
35
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,968
Prof chose some fancy writer thing.
36
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,451
- Outrageous...
- Outrageous Fortune.
37
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,961
- That's it, after the Bette Midler film.
- Shakespeare.
38
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:48,611
And I had Mashie Niblick at 50-to-1.
39
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,808
Yeah, you see, clever boy,
back the outsider.
40
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:52,803
Exactly!
To push the winnings up.
41
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:56,009
"Life is either a daring adventure
or it is nothing at all."
42
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:57,127
Do you know who said that?
43
00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,160
- Helen Keller.
- Ah, Going For Gold.
44
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:01,885
That's Henry Kelly!
45
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,008
-(ALL LAUGH)
- Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah.
46
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,323
So, anyway, what happened next,
I gave the diddlum money to Archie.
47
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:08,481
- He didn't.
- I did!
48
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,005
He says he did,
but he was found, he was found...
49
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,321
- No, let me finish!
- He was found in the hospitality area.
50
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,640
- Rubbish!
- With two dolly birds
51
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:14,881
and a full English breakfast.
52
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,770
- Slightly worse for wear.
- Well, I was upset that Diana had died.
53
00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:18,921
And he'd spent the lot.
54
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,570
- No!
- ARCHIE: Yep, kerching!
55
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,290
- What, diddled the diddlum?
- He did indeed.
56
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:23,407
CRAIG: Malcolm!
57
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,006
So just be warned, Craig, you can't
trust him as far as you can throw him.
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00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:29,289
(COUGHS) Excuse me, Archie,
people in glass houses...
59
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:31,167
What?
60
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,165
Shouldn't throw stones.
61
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:40,011
No, they should throw
sex parties with strippers.
62
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,048
(LAUGHING)
63
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,851
So come on then, what happened then?
No, don't tell me.
64
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:46,160
All the horses came in, right?
65
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,009
ARCHIE: Yeah, exactly.
Half a million down the drain!
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00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:49,081
Oh!
67
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,242
- Well, 469,000.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.
68
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:52,890
It's only money, in't it, Craig?
69
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,325
Not worth falling out over.
70
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,368
There you go, gentlemen.
I hope you enjoy your meal.
71
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:58,090
- ARCHIE: It was lovely, thanks.
- Excuse me, darling,
72
00:02:58,200 --> 00:02:59,565
could we get some mints?
73
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:00,887
Please?
74
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,406
You know, the mints
in the bowl by the till?
75
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:04,527
Just to cleanse the palate.
76
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,331
Oh, no, the kitchen boy
will cleanse the palates.
77
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,401
No, no, not plates.
The palate.
78
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,170
You know, the palate.
79
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,729
I mean the mints, in the mouth.
Sucky-sucky.
80
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,531
Oh. Oh, sorry,
yes, erm, I'll get you some.
81
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:19,761
It's my first day.
82
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,168
Well, she's not getting a tip.
83
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,049
I wouldn't mind giving her my tip.
84
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,844
What are you doing
asking for piss-mints?
85
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,400
- Eh?
- Piss-mints by the till?
86
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:30,970
Why are they piss-mints?
87
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,042
'Cause people come out the bogs,
they don't wash their hands,
88
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:34,844
and then they dip in
for a mint on the way past.
89
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,485
No! People aren't animals.
90
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:37,800
They are actually. They did a test.
91
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:41,248
Exactly. They tested a bowl.
They found 15 different types of piss.
92
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:42,731
What do you mean,
"different types of piss"?
93
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,131
There aren't "different types of piss".
94
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:45,685
There are, like fine wines.
95
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:47,842
Jesus Christ, I can't wait
to get back to Chiswick.
96
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:50,651
Oh, yeah, because London piss is
like sparkling water, in't it?
97
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:51,881
Just drink it straight back down again.
98
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,041
Well, pretty much, yeah.
99
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,361
Well, I'm just telling ya,
mints in Northern restaurants,
100
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:56,646
they're all drenched in piss.
101
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:57,846
And faecal matter.
102
00:03:57,920 --> 00:03:59,729
ANYA: There you go,
I give you a big handful.
103
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,325
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Look at them, Craig.
104
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,402
You're not gonna
cleanse your palate, then?
105
00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:04,481
Er...
106
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,881
No, I think I'll take them for the kids.
107
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,167
- How many kids do you have, Craig?
- Got two.
108
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,368
Yeah, it's half term
so they come up with the au pair.
109
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,169
You know, I told them it was
a safari but with poor people.
110
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,045
Hey! There's plenty of money
swilling 'round up here you know.
111
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:17,360
As long as you know
where to look for it.
112
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,329
- And your wife, is she...
- Divorced.
113
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,843
Best three quarters of
a million pound I ever spent.
114
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,249
-(WHISPERS) Really?
- Yeah.
115
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,488
Why's a wife like a hand grenade?
116
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,847
Remove the ring and, boom,
your house is gone!
117
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:31,445
(LAUGHTER)
118
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:33,363
That's a terribly expensive business.
119
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,044
Do you know why
it's so expensive, Kevin?
120
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:37,685
Because it's worth it.
121
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,762
-(LAUGHTER)
-(CRAIG GRU ms)
122
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,611
Now, talking about unseemly
squabbles about money,
123
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,286
let's have a little look at this bill.
124
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:50,410
Well, there's my contribution,
including a 10% service charge.
125
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,130
MALCOLM: 10? You tight bastard.
126
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,248
Give her 15 like a normal human being.
127
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:55,526
Well, 10 is industry standard.
128
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:56,647
What industry?
129
00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,644
She's slopping plates around
for a room full of fat pigs!
130
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,245
Honestly, Kevin.
131
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,482
Here, give it here, Craig,
I'm gonna get this.
132
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,369
- KEVIN: No, Malcolm...
- No way, that's not right.
133
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,124
Shut up, I am, it's on me.
134
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,850
No, you got it last time,
let me get this one.
135
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:10,649
Get off, I'm paying it.
136
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:12,125
How much is it?
137
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,690
Oh, Jesus Christ, go on then!
138
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,570
No, I'm joking, I'm joking.
I don't mind, honestly.
139
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,688
No, I'm not having that.
I invited Craig along.
140
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:19,966
I was gonna pay for him anyway, so...
141
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,087
So what?
142
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,369
"Craig's my friend, you can't play with
him." Don't be so childish, Archie.
143
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,249
I'm not being childish,
you're the one that's being childish.
144
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:27,560
Hey, it doesn't matter.
145
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,290
It does! You're messing
it all up, it's not fair.
146
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:30,646
Guys, guys, listen, I'm getting it.
147
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:31,881
'Yes!
148
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:35,043
I'm going back to civilisation soon,
and I know that all you Northerners
149
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,964
are very poor, what with your
Christmas clubs and your diddums.
150
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,606
- Diddlums.
- So I'd like to treat you all, please.
151
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:41,761
No arguments!
152
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,047
Well, thank you, Craig,
that's very kind of you.
153
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,451
Bloody hell, Kevin, that was quick.
154
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:46,931
You thanked him
before he'd even offered.
155
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,047
Yeah, he doesn't miss a trick, does he?
156
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,645
No, I offered to pay my way.
157
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:50,881
Yeah, like the time you offered me
petrol money
158
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,007
for that league game in Otley!
159
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,606
That was based on mileage as the crow
flies divided by the four of us.
160
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:56,648
-£2.
- It was mathematically sound.
161
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,245
- Yeah, all in coppers.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
162
00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,402
Right then, shall I split you four ways?
163
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,330
No. No, but I wouldn't
mind splitting you four ways.
164
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,970
No, I'm getting this.
165
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:08,408
It's been very nice to meet you, Craig.
You played very well tonight.
166
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,482
The pair of you beat Kevin
and I fair and square.
167
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:14,360
So victor/bus spolia,
to the victor, the spoils.
168
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:16,204
Well, I won't argue with you, Malcs.
169
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,368
- I'm sorry, Malcolm, that is bullshit.
- Eh?
170
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,124
We've never played
that before, loser pays.
171
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:21,690
It would be a very dangerous
precedent to set.
172
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,730
It's not a precedent.
I would like to pay for your meals.
173
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:28,287
- Put it all on this, please.
- No, put it on this, please, I insist!
174
00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:31,131
All right, calm down.
You'll give yourself a heart attack.
175
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,804
Why are you making such
a big deal out of it?
176
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,723
It's just important to me, all right?
177
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,486
Thank you, Archie,
that's very kind of you.
178
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:38,846
CRAIG: Bloody hell.
179
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,400
Never realised that badminton
was so competitive.
180
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,244
It's not competitive,
it's just that Malcolm
181
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,641
is over-generous at times,
aren't you, Malc?
182
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,405
This is my treat, everybody.
You can get the next one.
183
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,960
Sorry, is run out of paper,
I'll be back.
184
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:55,406
(IN MOCK ACCENT)
"I'll be back."
185
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,320
The Terminator.
186
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:03,002
Very clever, Archie. Very clever trick.
I can see what you're doing.
187
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:04,121
What do you mean?
188
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,851
Letting me get the next one,
which is, oh, let me think,
189
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,042
wives and girlfriends night at Browns.
190
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,043
- So?
- So it'll be double the price, won't it?
191
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,885
Even more if your Susie puts it away
like she did at the Christmas do.
192
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,610
- Malcolm...
- All those mojitos.
193
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:19,441
You shouldn't bring Susie into it,
Malcolm. You know, that, that's wrong.
194
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,804
I like the sound of Susie.
195
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,044
Has she got a sister?
(CHORTLES)
196
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,491
Anyway, it's fine.
197
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:27,971
You just get this little starter,
198
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,771
I'll pay for the proper grown-up meal
next time. Well done.
199
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,842
Fine, I'll get the next one as well
if you're keeping track.
200
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:33,967
Eh, no one's keeping track.
201
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,889
Well, you clearly are if you're
thinking one ahead like that.
202
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,405
It hadn't even occurred to me
what the next one was!
203
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:39,005
Well, why don't you just split it, then?
204
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:40,687
Eh?
205
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,207
Well, why don't you just split it
two ways?
206
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,361
Then no one loses face.
207
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,209
Who's losing face?
I'm not losing face.
208
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,487
Why two ways anyway?
Why not three ways?
209
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,649
Oh well, fine, fine,
if Craig wants to...
210
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,610
I meant with you!
Jesus what a blue-cock!
211
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,808
- CRAIG: What's a blue-cock?
- A tight-fisted wanker.
212
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:56,927
Ha! It's good, I'm having that.
213
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,843
No, no, listen.
I'm happy to pay my way.
214
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:00,251
I've already demonstrated that.
215
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:03,563
Oh, put your little purse away,
Ebenezer, we don't need your shrapnel.
216
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:06,371
- Well, do you want me to pay or not?
- Yeah, three ways so we can treat Craig!
217
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:07,561
No, it's not necessary.
218
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,041
Fine. Well, I don't drink
and I didn't have a starter, so...
219
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,201
-(BOTH) Oh.
- So what?
220
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,851
You're contributing to the evening,
to the company provided,
221
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:15,126
not just what's in your belly!
222
00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:16,247
He always does this.
223
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,004
No, it's just that I know
all these menus...
224
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,048
- Kids menus.
- That is not the point.
225
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,566
And I know exactly what I'm gonna
have before I come out.
226
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:24,927
I like to have the requisite funds
about my person.
227
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,685
Now, I don't have the
same resources as you, do I?
228
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,285
I have to be careful.
229
00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:31,283
Careful? He's got two
houses in Clitheroe!
230
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,408
Well, they're flats and one of them's
got my mother in it, so...
231
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:34,845
And how much rent do you charge her?
232
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,206
None of your business.
233
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,123
- Bloody hell, I was joking!
-(LAUGHING)
234
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,248
He's that mean, that when he takes
a tenner out of his wallet
235
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,924
the Queen blinks in the light.
236
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,650
No, it's just that I don't
think it's fair, that
237
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,762
I end up subsidising other people's...
238
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:47,926
What?
239
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:49,926
Gluttony!
240
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,528
Are you directing that at me, Kevin?
241
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:56,531
Are you directing that at me?
'Cause this is glandular!
242
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,251
- Right, so it was Mr Simkins?
- Yes.
243
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,164
- No, no, guys, honest, I've got this!
- MALCOLM: No, put it away!
244
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:03,571
- No.
- Please, I'd really like to...
245
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:04,641
I'll pay!
246
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,091
I'd like to pay the whole bill, please?
247
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,920
CRAIG: Kevin, that is... That, that's so
generous of you. Are you sure?
248
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,171
That's fine.
249
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,960
Perhaps you could
all put in for the tip.
250
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,960
Wow, wonders never cease.
251
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,362
Oh, and I have these vouchers
for 50% off.
252
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:35,487
- What?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
253
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:36,891
50% off?
254
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,804
- Yes, I got them from a coupon website.
- What, you were gonna let me pay for it?
255
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,245
Well, I was saving them
for another time.
256
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:42,526
What other time? You never go out!
257
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,410
No, I'm sorry, Kevin. If you're paying
for dinner, you're paying for dinner.
258
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:46,811
None of this coupon shit.
259
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,008
ANYA: They're out of date anyway,
I'm sorry.
260
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,161
(ALL LAUGH)
261
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,005
Bit like your condoms, Kevin.
Use by January 2000.
262
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:56,050
Yeah, get your pounds notes out with
Isaac Newton on the back.
263
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,642
I'm sorry about that I, I was just...
Let me, erm...
264
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,404
-(COINS CLANKING)
-(ALL SIGH)
265
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:07,968
I come back in a minute.
266
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,811
Erm, can I offer you guys
to be shot or something?
267
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,247
- Sorry?
- She means a free drink.
268
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,481
Oh, yes, erm, thank you.
269
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:15,971
Oh, that made his eyes light up, look.
270
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,121
You got any Limoncello?
271
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,242
- Please?
- It's a liqueur.
272
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:23,120
- Er, lick your what? Sorry?
- It's a drink.
273
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,847
Erm, I will check. I'll be back.
274
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,285
You wait, she'll come back
with a lemon and a cello.
275
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,362
(ALL LAUGH)
276
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,488
You know, I was dreading this week.
277
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:35,642
One boring seminar after another.
278
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,848
But if I hadn't met Archie
it would have been one long round of
279
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:39,251
business lunches and hotel porn.
280
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:43,006
- It don't sound too bad.
- But you guys, you made it bearable.
281
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,849
So please, lemme get this.
282
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:48,481
- No, I'm getting it, I'm just...
- Oh, leave it, Kevin. I'll get it.
283
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,882
- You're not getting it, I've told you!
- Don't point at me, Malcolm.
284
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,247
- Now, honestly, let me.
- It's no skin off my nose.
285
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,731
Yeah, we all know
you're really rich, Craig.
286
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,280
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Hey, I don't care if he's Bill Gates.
287
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,404
He played at our club, I'm club sec,
I'm paying for his meal!
288
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,881
And there it is in a nutshell, Craig,
you've been bought. Kerching.
289
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,042
- Oh, not this again.
- I'm afraid so Malcolm. This again.
290
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,088
- How many votes was it? Tell him.
- I don't remember.
291
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:09,605
17-to-5 and he's club secretary.
292
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,284
I'd been there five years before him.
293
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,283
Don't dredge up old graves, Archie,
it's unseemly.
294
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,362
- There was no funny business.
- ARCHIE: Who did you vote for, then?
295
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,364
- You don't have to tell him, Kevin.
- It was anonymous.
296
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,364
You were seen, Kevin, at Garfunkel's
lunch every day for a fortnight.
297
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,761
- That's not true!
- MALCOLM: Were you spying on us?
298
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:26,161
Bloody hell, if you're that desperate,
put your name up next time,
299
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,447
- I won't stand again.
- Don't worry, I will!
300
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,171
If that's all you've got to worry about
then I'm very happy for you, Archie.
301
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:32,685
You must have a very nice life.
302
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,081
Oh, get off my back, Malcolm,
you've got no idea about my life!
303
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:36,571
Guys, don't!
304
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,809
It's just a couple of hundred quid,
I mean, it's literally nothing.
305
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,211
Oh, it's nothing, is it, Mr Monopoly?
306
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:42,327
Archie, what's got into you?
307
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,448
Besides, the club would never
have allowed somebody with
308
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,761
a criminal record to
become club secretary.
309
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:47,887
Nobody ca res about that,
310
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,042
that was me utilising a clause
in a mortgage contract.
311
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,326
Also known as "fraud".
312
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,920
Yeah, you're the fraud, pal, you bought
every single one of those votes.
313
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,207
Because I treated Kevin
to a Footlong from Subway?
314
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,163
Yes. And this is what he's doing
now, Craig, so just be aware.
315
00:11:58,240 --> 00:11:59,241
Bullcra p!
316
00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,482
He's putting you in his pocket
in case he needs you at a later date.
317
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:05,406
- I'm offering to buy everyone's meal!
- Yes, because you're a selfish prick!
318
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,965
He isn't, Archie.
319
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,930
Now just calm down.
He isn't.
320
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:22,163
Because I am paying for this meal.
321
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,450
Yes, I live in London.
322
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:29,560
Yes, I'm very rich, but that is my
prerogative as your guest. All right?
323
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:32,086
Here we go, some Limoncello for you.
324
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,208
And have you decide
yet who pay the bill?
325
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:35,611
Yeah, put it all on this.
326
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,444
And put on 25% for yourself.
327
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:41,491
Right, gentlemen, I'd like to thank you
for your company this evening.
328
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,768
And for a good game of badminton.
329
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,411
And if any of you happen
to find yourself in the Chiswick area,
330
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,482
please don't hesitate to not ring me.
331
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,642
- Cheers.
- Cheers!
332
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:55,767
Ah.
333
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,761
Don't envy you going
back to London, Craig.
334
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,410
All those pickpockets.
335
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,403
Yeah, well, it's not what it was, Kevin.
336
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,526
I mean, I'd be happy to move on
to be honest with ya.
337
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,083
I crave a bit of excitement.
338
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,041
But last year I went
climbing in Canada...
339
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,408
Excuse me, sir, but your card
is not welcome.
340
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:24,205
- What?
- It is a reject, bad.
341
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,721
Do you have perhaps other card?
342
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:30,689
Erm, no, not on me.
343
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:32,640
I don't understand.
344
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,563
There's at least 250 in that account.
345
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:36,610
Well, that settles it then, I'll pay.
346
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:37,681
Hang on, hang on.
347
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,484
I've got an Amex card back at the hotel.
348
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,449
I'll phone the au pair get
her to give me the number.
349
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,329
- Oh, I'm not sure...
- Craig, there's no need.
350
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,526
Shh, shh.
351
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:52,121
Anoushka, yeah, it's me.
Can you go to my room, please?
352
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,929
Yeah, it was very nice, thank you.
353
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:58,005
Yeah, go into my room
and go over to the bedside cabinet
354
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,768
and open the second drawer down.
355
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:04,450
No, no, no, not the top one.
356
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,604
Do not open the top one!
357
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:09,880
Yeah, the second one.
358
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,446
Right and in there is my Amex card.
359
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,525
Yes, the gold one.
360
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,843
Now, I need the long number
on the front and the four digits
361
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:21,127
just above that in
the right-hand corner.
362
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:23,286
Digits.
363
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,000
Digits.
364
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,846
I tell you what, why don't you just
bring the card down to me?
365
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,127
- ARCHIE: (WHISPERS) Oh, no, no!
- It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
366
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,283
No, they're fine. They'll be fine.
They're asleep, in't they?
367
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:36,603
Well, just leave quietly!
368
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,527
Well, if you're that worried
just unplug everything!
369
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,251
No, Craig, no! Don't worry,
babooshka, it's fine.
370
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:43,810
You don't have to come.
371
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,847
Look, I appreciate what you're trying
to do, but it's daft you putting
372
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,730
your kids' lives in danger when
I've got a good card right here.
373
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,086
Or we can split it!
374
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,367
No, I'm getting this.
375
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,090
No more arguments.
376
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,366
That is the absolute end of the matter.
377
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:05,807
Well, under these circumstances, I'd be
very happy to accept your kind offer.
378
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:06,961
Thank you, Malcolm.
379
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,884
- Not a problem at all.
- Yes, thank you.
380
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,249
All right, fine. Look, will you just
give us a minute, please, love?
381
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,767
Ah, this is not the way I
wanted to do this.
382
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,491
But I've, erm.
383
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,570
I've got something to tell ya.
384
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,404
Oh, what, you've got a voucher?
385
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:29,921
No.
386
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,329
No, I've not got a voucher.
387
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,929
I've got a brain tumour.
388
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:41,051
You're joking?
389
00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:44,206
No, I'm not, Malcolm, and I wish I was.
390
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:50,609
It's, er, inoperable and I've
got three months, at best, I'm afraid.
391
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,685
Oh, Archie, I'm so sorry.
392
00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:54,801
Tha n ks, Kevin.
393
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,484
And that is why I wanted
to pay this meal.
394
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,285
I'm sorry, Malcolm,
I should have told you sooner.
395
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,405
Will you excuse me?
396
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,769
Listen, Archie, erm,
397
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:23,521
we had somebody in my office who
had something very similar
398
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:27,448
-and we took him over to Switzerland.
- Dignitas.
399
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,050
No, it's Geneva.
400
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,320
We got him one of
the top surgeons over there.
401
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,328
He had the best possible treatment.
402
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,765
Did he survive?
403
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:39,407
No.
404
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:45,643
But he had a private room,
52" plasma and all the channels.
405
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:48,606
It's a nice touch.
406
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,843
Thanks, Craig, but I'm...
I've talked it over with Susie.
407
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:56,130
We wanna try and make it as normal
as possible for the kids' sake, so,
408
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,884
if you could do me the honour,
the very great honour
409
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,361
of allowing me to pay that bill,
410
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,290
probably for the last time...
411
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:06,361
Don't say that, Archie.
412
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,487
Just...
413
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,650
...in case, Kevin.
414
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,888
It really would mean the world to me.
415
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,600
Of course, Archie. Thank you.
416
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,844
If you want, we can pay the tip.
417
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,206
It's fine, Kevin,
I'll, I'll get all of it.
418
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:34,728
It's just nice to spend what time
I've got left amongst friends.
419
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,242
You lying fucking monster!
420
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,049
- Eh?
- I've just texted Susie.
421
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:42,522
She don't know anything about
a tumour. He's lying! He's a liar!
422
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:43,840
KEVIN: Is this true, Archie?
423
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,968
Well, I haven't told her yet.
I wanted to tell you first.
424
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,280
You said you'd talked it over.
425
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:48,885
I can't believe you'd
pretend to be dying
426
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,644
just so you could pay for a tapas meal!
427
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,210
Well, I can't believe
you'd ring up to check!
428
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,248
Texting a dying man's wife
to confirm his story?
429
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:55,685
You're not dying, though, are you?
430
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:57,524
I can't take much more of this.
431
00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,570
How dare you try and swindle
your way into paying for this meal!
432
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,961
You've driven me to it, Malcolm!
You're a control freak!
433
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,805
Why can't I have a pat on the back?
"Good old Archie" for a change?
434
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,201
Swooping in and claiming
every act of generosity.
435
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,691
You're both unbelievable!
436
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,491
The pair of ya.
It's ridiculous behaviour.
437
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,006
Strutting around point scoring,
I mean, it's pathetic!
438
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,162
Oh, you're the one who was
happy for his kids to be burnt to death
439
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,924
-just so he could flash his gold card!
- CRAIG: What?
440
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,241
Right, where's that bill?
I am paying this. Right?
441
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,401
- You're not!
- Yes, I am!
442
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:23,561
CRAIG: I'm getting this!
443
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:24,641
Let him go!
444
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,131
(ALL ARGUING)
445
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:31,685
Stop this now!
446
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:34,208
Stop it, or I call the police!
447
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,447
Sorry.
448
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,967
There is no one else here now.
I need to close the restaurant.
449
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,084
My manager said this
meal can be at the home.
450
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,285
She means on the house.
451
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,044
Yes, please.
452
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,525
Let me take the bill,
453
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:50,601
and we all...
454
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:52,446
...go home.
455
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:55,810
No!
456
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,841
We're going to sort this,
once and for all.
457
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:04,603
It's not about the bill.
458
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,649
It's gone beyond that now.
459
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,882
Look, can't we just split it four ways?
460
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:12,247
I'm happy to put in for the drink,
even though I never had any.
461
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:15,369
Although, I did have that Limoncello
and, mind you, that was free.
462
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:19,570
Miss, will you bring us the sharpest
knife in your kitchen, please?
463
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:20,721
No!
464
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,280
The matter is closed. There is no bill.
465
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,811
There's always a bill.
466
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,845
Somebody has to pay.
467
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:29,361
No!
468
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:32,205
Erm, fellas, what...
Whatever you're thinking about doing,
469
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,687
you know I would probably
advise against it.
470
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,524
I'm sure there must be an alternative.
471
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,329
What is he doing, Archie?
472
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,120
I kn ow.
473
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:46,402
"Stab Scotch", also known as
"Pin Finger", "Nerve",
474
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,124
or "Five Finger Fillet".
475
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,002
Archie and I have played
this since school.
476
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,249
We used a compass back then.
477
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,322
Or the sharp end of a 2b pencil.
478
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,044
The rules are very simple.
479
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,763
You pass the knife between each finger
and back again 10 times.
480
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,322
Fastest time wins. Winner pays the bill.
Agreed, Archie?
481
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:07,566
If you wish, yes.
482
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,529
Kevin, will you time this, please?
483
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,285
Malcolm, wait. Think what you're doing.
484
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:14,681
We've got the county semi's
coming up in Doncaster.
485
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,364
You don't want to be
butchering yourself like this!
486
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:17,680
I'll be fine.
487
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,491
I know what I'm doing.
488
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:23,207
(CLEARS THROAT) Erm, I'm not sure
I wanna go through with this.
489
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,089
Well, you don't have to.
490
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:27,808
It's between me and Malcolm now.
491
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,450
Tell me when.
492
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,087
Sorry, I'm just waiting
for it to get to the top.
493
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,003
Oh, look, come here,
I'll do it on my phone.
494
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,003
- I, I cannot allow this.
- Don't watch, then.
495
00:20:58,080 --> 00:20:59,286
(SHUSHING)
496
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:02,726
Right, are you ready?
497
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:04,487
Three,
498
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:05,967
two,
499
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:07,481
one,
500
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,001
90!
501
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:11,927
One.
502
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:14,601
Two.
503
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:16,681
Three.
504
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:19,481
Four.
505
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:21,401
Five.
506
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:23,561
Six.
507
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:26,161
Seven.
508
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:28,561
Eight.
509
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,201
Nine.
510
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:33,921
Done!
511
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,410
Twenty-three seconds.
512
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:38,966
Very good.
513
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:40,841
Not bad.
514
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:45,811
Well done.
515
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:50,970
Oh, no, this isn't fair.
516
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,691
He might have double vision
because of his brain tumour.
517
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:55,489
He hasn't got a tumour, remember?
518
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,210
Oh yeah, no. Yeah, carry on.
519
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,644
I'm happy to pay the bill now
and we can all go home.
520
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,730
No, thank you, Malcolm.
521
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:05,651
I'm fine.
522
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,085
When you're ready, Craig.
523
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,041
Three,
524
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:16,281
two,
525
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:18,361
one,
526
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:20,521
90!
527
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:24,281
One.
528
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:27,287
Two.
529
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,321
Three.
530
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:32,841
Four.
531
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,161
- Five.
- How long?
532
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:36,366
Fifteen seconds.
533
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:38,566
- Six.
- Argh!
534
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:39,841
Argh!
535
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:44,526
Seven... Stop it now, Archie!
You're bleeding!
536
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:45,806
Make him stop!
537
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,166
Stop it!
538
00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:04,964
(CLATTE RING)
539
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:08,760
(ALL GASPING)
540
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:14,164
What did you do that for?
541
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:15,651
I didn't do anything.
542
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:17,404
It wasn't his fault.
It was an accident.
543
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:18,766
MALCOLM: Get me some napkins!
544
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:21,001
Quick!
545
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:27,081
What shall we do? Shall I call for
an ambulance? The police? What?
546
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:28,844
I don't know? Is she alive?
547
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,763
Onlyjust.
Her windpipe's been severed.
548
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:33,290
Gimme that knife.
549
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,889
Archie, what should I do?
550
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,610
Shall I call the police?
551
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,411
Gimme your phone.
552
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:43,967
I haven't got much credit left on it.
553
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:46,210
Fine, use it.
554
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,370
She's dead.
555
00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:56,930
Oh, God, no!
556
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,641
Look, we've gotta get
our story straight, okay?
557
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:02,167
It was Archie that did it
and you were trying to stop him.
558
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:04,521
- I was trying to stop him.
- Yeah, and that's what we'll say.
559
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,728
- Do we mention the stab cock?
- What?
560
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,849
- The game, the fish finger?
- No! It's irrelevant.
561
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,048
We'lljust say we were
arguing about the bill.
562
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,930
All of a sudden he grabbed the knife,
he's got cuts on his hand anyway.
563
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,650
- Yes.
- Right, it's been sorted.
564
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,326
Now, all we have to do is disappear
and this will be dealt with.
565
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,410
- What do you mean?
- The less you know about it the better.
566
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,120
Don't let your wives
and your girlfriends see ya.
567
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:26,930
And get rid of your clothes.
568
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:30,404
Get clean, have showers.
Clean your showers.
569
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:31,970
Sounds like you do this
on a weekly basis.
570
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:34,168
You don't spend time in prison
without making contacts.
571
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:35,321
People who watch your back.
572
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:36,481
What, while they're trying to bum you?
573
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,403
Fine, I'll cancel it then!
We'll call the police instead.
574
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:39,766
Guys, I can't be here.
575
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:43,123
This was just supposed to be a tapas
meal with the badminton people and
576
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:44,690
I need to be back in London tomorrow!
577
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,922
What about the girl?
Surely she'll be missed.
578
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:48,490
You heard what she said,
she's only just come here.
579
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,881
She's probably illegal, anyway.
It's a risk we'll have to take.
580
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:53,406
Malcolm?
581
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:56,647
Do it.
582
00:24:58,720 --> 00:24:59,881
Right.
583
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,567
Before we go we need
to sort out the money.
584
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,404
Oh, you can pay it, Archie,
I'm not bothered now!
585
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,130
I'm not talking about
the bill, I mean this!
586
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:07,321
The clean-up.
587
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:09,562
It's not a free service, you know.
I've not got a couple of coupons.
588
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:10,801
How much does he want?
589
00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,928
-200.
- Oh, that's actually very reasonable.
590
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,206
Thousand.
591
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:15,681
I haven't got that.
592
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,167
It's all right,
we'll split it four ways.
593
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:19,930
- What, 50 grand each?
- Yeah.
594
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:21,047
Like a diddlum.
595
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:22,884
I can get it wired tomorrow morning.
First thing.
596
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,405
It has to be cash
and he wants it tonight.
597
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:26,687
That's just unrealistic.
It's half 11:00!
598
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,125
Archie, one question.
599
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,965
It's just that, I didn't actually touch
the knife, so, technically,
600
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,088
- I think I probably owe less.
- Oh, here we go!
601
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:34,241
No, no, I'm just saying that my...
602
00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:36,408
Shut up, Kevin!
We're all paying the same.
603
00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:37,686
Oh, you've changed your tune.
604
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:39,569
You were gonna pay
the whole bill a minute ago!
605
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,608
Yeah, when it was 200 quid,
not 200 grand!
606
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,011
Stop it! We're running out of time.
607
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,082
It's just that I haven't
got that kind of money!
608
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:46,286
CRAIG: I have!
609
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,682
Anoushka, it's me again.
610
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,008
Right, I want you to
go back into my room.
611
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,367
Go into the right-hand wardrobe.
612
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:56,604
No, not the left one!
613
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,927
Do not go in the left.
614
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,720
Right, inside you'll see a grey safe.
615
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:03,804
I need you to open it.
616
00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:07,601
- The number is si...
- Argh!
617
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,923
Oh, good, she's, she's still alive!
618
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,642
But we'll still need the money
to clean everything up, won't we?
619
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,410
Forget it, it's over.
620
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:24,766
She's blown it.
621
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:26,849
He stood on my hand.
622
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,126
Don't blame me.
623
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:29,611
So close!
624
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,682
We'd have had him if you'd
have kept your mouth shut!
625
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,081
Anoushka, I'll call you back.
626
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:36,046
What's going on?
627
00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:37,406
Well, I would have
thought that was obvious.
628
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:39,721
Have you really got 200 grand
in your right-hand side wardrobe?
629
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,007
Never mind that, I wanna know
what's in the left-hand side.
630
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:43,809
Archie, what is this?
631
00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,211
It's a wash-out.
632
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,045
- I told you it was too elaborate.
- It was going fine.
633
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,847
It's just geography,
he stood on her hand.
634
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,969
And I'm sorry, Prof, but she's going way
over the top with that accent.
635
00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:55,530
It's barely believable now.
636
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:58,206
-"Can I offer you guys to be shot?"
- Oh, piss off, Gerry!
637
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,011
You couldn't do it. And you were
the one who mentioned Susie.
638
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:02,570
No names, remember?
639
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,130
All this was a set-up?
640
00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:05,929
Well, the restaurant's real,
we just had to pay
641
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,525
the manager to take the night off.
642
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:08,931
Yeah, and they put the prices up.
643
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:10,490
They want 1,500 now.
644
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:12,289
People are such greedy bastards.
645
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:13,850
You've been scamming me!
646
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,045
I thought we were friends.
647
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,122
Well, see it as a holiday bromance.
648
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:19,725
And you are very rich.
649
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,244
I don't know what to say.
650
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,331
I'm speechless.
651
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,880
- Yeah, well, I wish she was.
- He crushed my fingers!
652
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:29,884
- What about my fucking fingers?
- All right, that's enough!
653
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:33,043
- Stop squabbling and abort.
- Sorry, Prof.
654
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:35,280
Karen,
655
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:37,964
go and clean yourself up.
656
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,845
I'm afraid you're gonna
have to give us that phone.
657
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:47,810
You what? Why?
658
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,441
Well, we can't have you
going to the police, can we?
659
00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:52,727
You just tried to rob me of 200 grand!
660
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:54,404
You got a free meal out of it.
661
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:56,010
Hand it over.
662
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,402
Sorry, no.
663
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:06,331
I'm not gonna do that.
664
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:18,680
Well, then,
665
00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:22,127
we've got a bit
of a problem, haven't we?
666
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:34,011
Anyway, we were at Lingfield.
'89, was it?
667
00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:35,809
- No, it was later than that.
- Eh?
668
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:37,962
- It was after Diana had died.
- What's she got to do with it?
669
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,361
- I just remember.
- All right, well, '99.
670
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:43,569
Whatever. And the Professor here had
worked out if we put this accumulator
671
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:46,211
on seven races we could have won...
How much was it, jack?
672
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:47,611
- Half a million.
- Half a million!
673
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:50,524
Well, it wasn't half a million.
It was 469,000.
674
00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:52,967
Excuse me, can we get the bill, please?
675
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,165
Certainly, sir, I won't be a second.
52031
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