All language subtitles for Dicktown s01e10_Engh

(jazz music playing)

MIKE: Boy, Richardsville
sure has changed.

Remember when
our fanciest restaurant

was Dr. Giuseppe's
Meatball Hospital?

Look at us now.

This isn't even Richardsville,
Dad.

Sure, it is.
It's New Downtown.

It's not even
in the same county.

New Downtown
is just offices for bankers

in the middle
of old tobacco fields.

You're just being disagreeable.

No, I'm not.

I read this is what
it's like in Brooklyn.

Have you ever been to Brooklyn?

No.

Well, who needs Brooklyn

when you can get authentic,
Brooklyn�style barbecue

right here in North Carolina?

Hello again, Jen.

Say, do you know my son, John?

Oh, of course.

He solves crimes
for teenagers.

I work at the Lunch Hut.
He's in there every day.

Oh, yes, of course.
Uh, I remember you, yes.

I bet you do.
You got the lamb burger.

Did it turn out
the way you wanted?

Yes, it did.
Thank you, Jen.

Oh, good.

But, Jen, he's running low
on that patchouli.

Aioli, Dad.
And it's fine, I don't��

No, let's get him another
little cup of aioli

for his fries, okay, Jen?

More of our famous aioli
coming right up.

I think she's pregnant.

Mm, keen eye, Dad.

So I have some news.

Remember how the latch
on my front gate was squeaky?

You've mentioned it
a few times.

Well, I decided to fix it.

Pardon my reach.
Here's your aioli.

Thanks, Jen.

Say, we were just talking
about how you're pregnant.

Oh, my God.

Your folks must be excited.

�(sighs) I wish.
�Oh, no.

�What's the issue?
�Dad.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Have you ever dated someone
your parents didn't like?

Oh, he's never dated anyone.
(chuckles)

I have.
I've totally dated someone.

When I got pregnant,
my folks said

I had to move out
when the baby was born

because they didn't like
the father.

(sighs)
So the clock is ticking.

I work at Mr. Moisley's
Lunch Hut, as you know.

Of course I know that.

But it's not enough,
so I've been working here, too,

trying to save enough money
to move to Ottawa.

Ottawa?

That's exotic.

Mm�hmm.
Canada.

They've got a super�duper
neonatal health care system.

And before you ask,
"Where's the father?"

He died in a boating accident
in Pamlico Sound.

Yikes, that was a bit
of a purse dump.

�I'm really sorry.
�Nonsense.

Hang in there, Jen.

You work at a fancy restaurant
in New Downtown.

The world is your oyster.

Aww, bless your heart.
Enjoy your aioli.

�Nice gal.
�Uh�huh.

She seems sad.

Anyway, I found the exact same
latch for my gate

and installed it.

�(woman screams)
�What?

�(patrons gasping)
�What's going on?

And so my gate is smooth
and quiet now.

Excuse me, Dad.

Where you going, bud?

(dramatic music)

♪♪ ♪♪

Where is it?
It was just here.

�What are you looking for?
�My favorite ring.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm John Hunchman,
private investigator.

I'm Emma Bauers.

This is my fiancé,
Loafer Toeknuckle.

He's an investor
in this restaurant.

Loafer Toeknuckle.

As in son of Gary Toeknuckle,

founder of First Toeknuckle
Financial in Charlotte?

Dad.

Wowee�magowee.

Your dad is a legend.

Mike Hunchman, Richardsville
Savings and Loan, retired.

Whatever.

Listen, I can't have thieves
running wild in my restaurants.

It'll kill my Yelp rating
and my SEO.

Right, so you wouldn't
want the police here,

just a private investigator.

John Hunchman,
private investigator.

The ring's important to me.

It has cleansing energy.

If you find it,
I'll pay you $500.

(chuckles)
Well, no problem.

Nobody leave.

I'll be right back.
I have to leave.

(phone rings)

Butt Cheeks Incorporated,
how may I help you?

JOHN: It's John.
What are you doing?

I'm sippin' and grippin', bruh.

JOHN:
What?

I'm sippin' and grippin'.

Ugh, well, I'm
at the President's Physician.

Oh, my God.
You pretentious dick.

(shushes)
Just how soon can you get here?

I got us a case.

�Working for a grown�up.
�Seriously?

Yes, they'll pay us $500.

�Okay, give me five minutes.
�Great.

To finish up with my little
thing here.

Ew.

And then another ten
to drive over.

�No.
�And I'll be there.

Please hurry, David.

No.

EMMA:
Here's a photo, if that helps.

JOHN:
Oh, wow.

"Day six of my paleo cleanse.

"Date night with Loafer
getting my bling on.

ThugLife, Blessed,
NewDowntown."

I'm a personal branding
consultant,

so my sosh is everything.

Well, I get it.
I'm active on Goodreads.

But this is a lot of rings.
Which one is missing?

This one.

Sapphire and diamonds.

Wowee�zowee.

These folks don't need to know,
but it's a $20,000 ring.

(gasps)
Oh, sorry.

�MIKE: I found it!
�Where?

Dagnabbit, false alarm.

�Crouton.
�(groans)

Admit it, you stole the ring.

You're poor.
That's a motive.

Come on, man.
I just got here.

Wait, wait.

Before we jump
to any conclusions,

why don't we just look around
for a second?

MIKE:
Good thinking, bud.

Stop being wishy�washy.

Everyone who works here,

get down on your knees
and crawl around on the floor!

This is not optional.
I expect total compliance.

God damn,
it sounds fun in here.

Hey, I came as soon as I could.

Guys, this is my associate��

I came just as soon as I could.

Okay, I��I get it.

This is David Purefoy.
David, this is Emma Bauers.

Her ring is missing.

That's Loafer Toeknuckle

as in the son
of Gary Toeknuckle.

Uh�huh.

And he's an investor
in this restaurant.

And, uh, why is Jen,

who's, like,
a thousand months pregnant,

crawling around
on the fucking floor?

Uh, she works for me?
She's looking for Emma's ring.

Dude, seriously?

It's my favorite ring.
It has cleansing energy.

What, like an enema?

Exactly like that.

Has anyone looked up her butt?

You making fun
of my girl's ring, bro?

'Cause I can be your best
friend or your worst nightmare.

Homie,
you are my worst nightmare.

You smell like garlic
and mayonnaise.

It's called aioli.
We're kind of famous for it.

David, can I talk to you
for a minute, please?

♪♪ ♪♪

Why are you acting so weird?

Why are you helping
these New Downtown douchebags?

Because they're grown�ups.

How long have we talked about
getting grown�up clients?

I don't know, man.
I don't think it's worth it.

Well, if we find this ring,
she'll give us $500.

And she'll refer us to her
adult friends in New Downtown.

So basically,
you're selling out.

Just because I want to stop
working for children,

that's selling out?

Yeah, man.

I mean,
what about your dignity?

(chuckles)
Dignity.

David,
you live with your parents.

I'm not ashamed
of wanting to grow up.

Who knows?

Maybe I'll actually leave
this piece of shit town.

�Whoa.
�Yeah.

And maybe I can start fresh.

�Maybe with Heather.
�Yeah, right.

�Keep dreaming, come on.
�Oh, well, thanks a lot, David.

Face it, we're both stuck here.

Finding this ring is a way out.

If I find the ring,

I'm flushing it down
the fucking toilet.

(dramatic guitar chords)

Okay, good news.

We're going to employ
two separate search strategies,

and that will double
our chances

of returning your ring to you.

�Actually, it will not.
�(groans)

Now she's refusing to help

because she's "pregnant."

�I am pregnant, and I did help.
�Not enough!

Jen, pack your bags and go.
You're fired.

�What?
�Whoa, what?

I think that's a mistake
both morally and legally.

Oh, really?

Uh, what do you know about
running a successful business?

Well, I've had my own
investiga��

And how much do you even make?

�Do you mean in��in money?
�Uh, duh.

What else is worth making?

I make pee�pee and poo�poo
sometimes.

See, this is why

the President's Physician
is in New Downtown,

because New Downtown
is for winners and innovators.

(bell rings)

Face it, you are betas trying
to make it in an alpha world.

Uh, but if I find the ring,
you'll still refer me

to some of your
grown�up friends, right?

Okay, that's it.

I'm not helping this
aioli�smelling motherfucker

for one more second.

Oh, and by the way,
before I leave,

those light bulbs
are goddamn ridiculous

and those french fries
are too greasy, even for me.

That's my Yelp review.
Zero stars on deez nuts.

Wait a minute, that's it.

(dramatic guitar music)

�(inaudible)
�(gasps)

And those french fries
are too greasy even for me.

(echoing)
It's called aioli.

Miss Bauers,
I have one question for you.

Did you eat any of Loafer's
french fries tonight?

�(gasps)
�LOAFER: Of course she didn't.

I put her on a paleo cleanse.

(suspenseful music)

Sorry, babe.
I've been bad.

(scoffs) I knew
you had a fat person in you.

A�ha.

Thank you.

Jen, where's
Loafer Toeknuckle's aioli?

(sighs)

It's already been uploaded
back into the cloud.

What does that mean?

Loafer has us dump leftovers
back in the vat.

(shudders)
That is profoundly unhygienic.

He calls it
"condiment cloud storage."

He says he's a disruptor.

Jen, close your eyes.
I'm going in.

�(soft dramatic music)
�JOHN: (gasps)

♪♪ ♪♪

It was simple, really.

Emma was on a paleo cleanse,

which would've withered
her fingers to sticks.

Couple that
with the greasy fries

and you've got a recipe
for a classic ring slide�off.

Bloop into the aioli ramekin
and back into the vat.

Well, I hope you're
proud of yourself,

because you sold out
for some New Downtown assholes

JOHN:
Mm�hmm?

And you got a pregnant lady
fired, and your arm smells.

Huh.

Well, what did they say
when you returned the ring?

I didn't.

I thought you said
it was in the vat.

I'm sure it was in the vat,
but I didn't find it.

Okay, now I don't know what
the hell you're talking about.

What?

However, I did suggest
Jen search the vat

while I called
the health inspector

to get that place shut down.

�DAVID: Whoa.
�So who's the alpha now?

Damn, respect.

DAVID:
So did Jen find it?

JOHN:
I'm really not sure.

�Was Loafer Cockknuckle pissed?
�Yes.

Did that bring you immense joy?

Well, that would be
unprofessional to say,

but yes...
(laughing)

It really made me happy.

That guy sucked hard.

JOHN:
David, to justice.

DAVID:
John, to sippin' and grippin'.

You know what?
I'll go along with that

to the cleansing energy
of sippin' and grippin'.

Damn, you're a pervert!

�Here, smell my arm.
�No, ugh!

�Smell my aioli arm, smell it!
�No, stop!

�Seriously, stop bullying me.
�Smell it, David!

�I don't like this.
�I'm the alpha male now.

DAVID:
This is not natural.

(upbeat music)

♪♪ ♪♪