Original subtitles

I think you're seeing the sex industry in Seattle

because there's a fair population of us who are out and willing to talk about it.

This is going on in all of the cities everywhere

all of the time.

I think it's just human nature to want to be with somebody,

to be close to somebody, to be accepted,

just to be held.

Sex work is not legal in the state of Washington.

I shouldn't be going to jail because I'm doing what I want with my body.

So much of my life has to be a secret.

People knowing who I am could be really dangerous.

Sex workers are really the secret keepers of our society.

We see the parts of people they don't let the rest of the world see.

Society puts this dark shadow on sex workers

and makes them into these terrible people,

portraying them to be criminals or people that are victims.

My saying is, if you treat me like a ho, I'm gonna treat you like a trick.

But if you treat me like a lady, then I'm gonna treat you like a gentleman.

Sex isn't a want. It's a need.

And there are people missing this entire part of their life,

and I can help that.

I've never had a secret before this big.

There's things I can't tell my mom and my dad.

Trying to have that, like, double life has really been a struggle.

It's hard to ignore society's expectations.

My family, I don't think, will ever have a conversation about it.

I already know that they won't approve.

They'll think that I'm a failure or that I'm a bad person.

Since I haven't gotten my first client yet,

I don't know if I'm doing anything right.

So right now I have the rough draft of my website.

Not super happy with the pictures I have or with the layout,

but I'm really excited to get new pictures,

so I can kind of just represent myself better and my brand better.

I don't want to introduce myself until I have the right branding,

and so far, I'm just finding that I'm not really...

I'm not legit enough yet.

So everything is really hanging on tomorrow,

and I don't model that often, so I have no idea how I'm gonna do.

It's emotionally very draining.

Feeling stuck and feeling trapped in this, like, cycle

of debt and working myself to death.

Every week is, like, 70 hours a week.

But when it comes between,

do I pay for the photo shoot

that I've been waiting for that I need to get this going

and is gonna be the staple to my brand,

or do I pay my credit card bill?

That's when it's really scary.

One of my good friends who's in the industry

refers to herself as a hooker

and refers to other women in the industry as hookers,

and that really bothers me.

I'm like, "I'll never call myself that."

"Sex worker", I think, is fine.

But anything that's kind of a derogatory word

I like to stay away from.

I know for my long-term, like, well-being

that it will affect me more than I even realize,

'cause I've worked so hard to get where I am in life,

and I'm not gonna let somebody

feed me that line of crap

or tell me what I am.

I'm not gonna let anybody tell me what I am.

I've never been motivated to fit in

with society.

If anything, I've kind of held my being different as a badge of honor.

If I was just getting ready for myself,

I would've just brushed my hair and left.

I don't really wear makeup in my personal life.

I am most comfortable in workout gear, climbing a mountain sweaty and dirty,

but society has this idea of what they want women to look like,

and that is made up in dresses,

looking all fancy with the latest shoes and a purse.

And while that's a cool disguise to put on,

that isn't something I enjoy looking like all the time.

I like looking like myself,

which is just a mountain goat in human skin.

Most people spend 40 to 80 hours a week

becoming very, very proficient at their skill.

They put all of their energy towards that.

I take all of that energy, and I put it towards connecting with people.

And that's why it's worth paying professionals,

because the amount of energy people put into careers,

we put into being good partners.

I'm not very concerned with being a girl in my personal life.

I'm concerned with being an athlete.

My genitals don't really define me.

But in work, I'm very girly.

When I'm putting on makeup and getting ready for work,

I am creating a space for whoever I'm going to be with,

a canvas for them to project their fantasy onto.

They're falling in love with a fantasy of me

and not me personally.

They only have their projections of me.

They don't really know me.

And it's the projections that they fall in love with.

That's disgusting.

Bryan and myself, we don't have a lot of open dialogue about it,

'cause for me, I'm like, "Well, the less he knows, the better."

I'm trying to protect him, I think.

But I also think that he wants me to open up more about it.

So he'll try to crack jokes and, like, make light of it.

When she first came to me and told me,

I was 100% behind it as long as she was.

It's a lot of pressure right now.

It's a lot of pressure, you know, to step through that door,

but I think once we get her through that first door,

I think just a lot of weight's gonna be lifted.

We talk about getting married and stuff, so it's not a light matter.

Do you think that I'm gonna come home and just, like, cry in your arms after?

Oh, I know you are. Oh, I know she is.

I know she's probably gonna come home, and she's gonna want to cuddle.

I'm gonna hold her. I'm gonna tell her it's gonna be okay.

Gonna say, "Everything's gonna be just fine."

See, my version is I'm gonna come home and be like...

I think he wants to see that I'm not...

that it's not easy, in a way.

But for me, I think it will be that easy,

'cause, you know, I've been with men

where I didn't necessarily want to,

but I did it anyways 'cause I felt kind of trapped

or stuck in whatever scenario I was in or social setting.

I know her, and I know she's amazing and strong and beautiful,

and she'll be safe and smart about it.

I want to be her emotional rock that she can come home

and know that I'm here to get behind her no matter what.

He's asked me how long he thinks I want to do it for, and...

I think I've given myself at least...

I want to do it for at least six months.

For how much work and how much money I've already invested into it

and haven't seen anything back yet, I want to at least do six months,

but I also don't know.

We're doing this because we want to capitalize

on a few things that we have going for ourselves right now.

And...

when we're old, I don't see us doing it.

No.

So... -But it's not us, it's me doing it.

Yeah, it's you. That's right.

I mean, you're getting dragged along for the ride.

It's just, like, a lot of moral struggle, constantly, like, back and forth

of, like...

just wondering if I'm doing the right thing or not.

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