Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

I wonder where he can be hiding the carrots.

No.

They got to be here somewhere.

Ed.

Uh-Oh.

Don't ever do that, Wilbur.

My little heart is pounding like a bongo drum.

When I get through with you,

your head will pound like a bongo drum.

Just look at this mess.

Holler, but don't hit.

And what were you doing at my file cabinet?

I was looking under C for carrot.

Between meals?

I thought you were on a diet.

I am, that's why I'm hungry.

Ed, Ed.

Why did you go on this diet anyway?

Well, you know that cute little Spanish filly

we've been meeting in the park Sundays?

Chiquita?

She digs horses.

You old son of a guns. You're in love again, huh?

Yeah, one smile from Chiquita,

and even my tail gets goose pimples.

You sure go for these foreign fillies, don't you?

Let's see, before Chiquita,

it was a little French filly-- Suzette.

And before Suzette,

that little dark Italian filly-- Francesca.

[chuckles] Yeah.

I'm just a gay international playboy.

Ed, just look at this pigsty.

When I got up this morning, my mouth was dry,

and I just had to have a carrot.

Why didn't you eat some hay?

If your mouth was dry, would you eat hay?

Never mind. Look Ed,

I don't mind you trying to lose a few pounds,

but I will not stand for messing up this place.

You're just too darn sloppy.

No, I will not jump in the lake.

Huh? How did you know I said that?

I can read lips.

I don't believe it.

All right, then try me.

No, I will not tell you where I hid the carrots.

Okay, so you can read lips.

And look, you're not going to get any more carrots

until you clean this place up.

Now get going.

You're awful mean to me these days.

Just you get in there and clean it up.

From sunup to sundown, a horse's work is never done.

Get your work done. Clean it up.

Wilbur, I just got a wire from Daddy,

and he's driving in tonight. Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, joy.

Now, honey, I know you think Daddy doesn't like you,

but deep down he does.

Then why did he lock me in the cloak room just before the wedding ceremony?

Now, Wilbur, you know that isn't true.

You were the only bride

who had to show a claim check to get a groom.

Look, let's face it.

Your father never forgave me

for stealing you away from that doctor.

But, Wilbur, you know I never really loved Henry.

That didn't bother your father.

He didn't want a son-in-law.

He just wanted a cheap medical plan.

How long will he be staying?

He didn't say.

He's coming out on some sort of real estate deal.

Honey,

promise me you'll be nice to Daddy

for my sake.

Oh, of course.

After all, he gave me you.

Gave? You know at the wedding,

I had the feeling your father wasn't giving you away.

He was just sort of leasing you out.

Oh, honey, thanks.

Wilbur!

Um, hi, Dad, welcome-- Welcome to the--

Oh, hello, Carol. What is it?

Oh, honey, you messed up the couch,

and I want everything to look neat for Daddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, Wilbur, shine your shoes and put on a tie.

Is Dad coming here for a visit or a barracks inspection?

But, darling, I want him to see what a beautiful home we have

and how well you're doing.

Why don't you wear your cashmere jacket?

- My new brown jacket? - Mm-hmm.

- With the best white silk shirt? - Yes.

- And that tie you got me for Christmas? - Perfect.

Good luck, Charlie.

Oh, Wilbur, please.

I heard screaming. When did your father get in?

We expect him any minute.

Oh, I better go check the roast.

Excuse me, Roger.

Oh, Rog, when does Kay get back from Palm Springs?

As soon as my money runs out.

You know, I kind of miss my nightly fights with her,

so I thought I'd drop by here and catch one of yours.

Oh, we weren't fighting.

Carol is a little bit jittery about her father getting here.

Yeah, from my understanding, he wasn't too pleased

about getting you for a son-in-law.

He would have preferred somebody normal.

Oh, cut it out.

Don't let him upset you, Wilbur.

Try to understand her father.

After all, Carol is his only daughter.

Oh, I'm her only husband.

Carol didn't to do too badly, you know.

I mean, I make a pretty good income,

I have a beautiful home here. I'm intelligent, personable,

and, if I must say so, quite charming.

Then why did her father lock you up in the cloak room?

How did you hear about that?

Carol told Kay.

Wilbur, at the wedding ceremony,

did you really try to put the ring on Carol's thumb?

Could have happened to anybody.

You know what tiny fingers Carol has,

and I got the wrong size ring.

- Naturally. - And it was dark in there.

After all, we had a candlelight ceremony, you see?

And when I reached over to put the ring on her finger--

Like I said, it was dark.

You're lucky you didn't marry the best man.

Stop worrying about your father-in-law, Wilbur.

Now, from what I understand,

he has nothing personal against you.

Expect for one thing.

What's that?

He thinks you're a kook.

Do you think I'm a kook?

Well, Wilbur, let's face it.

Any man who has a beautiful wife

and yet spends all his time with a horse

is hardly the type we pick to head Mental Health Week.

There's nothing wrong with a man spending time with his horse

Now, Carol, didn't want me to tell you this

until it was certain, but you're in

an excellent position to land that architect job

on her father's big real estate deal.

So for heaven's sake, keep away from that old plug.

look, I don't want any favors from him.

I'm doing pretty well, thank you.

If Carol thinks I'm going to make a big fuss

about her father just to land some job why--

[engine approaches]

That's him. That's him.

Where's my cashmere jacket?

Carol, where's my tie?

It's in the closet.

Carol, your father is outside. Open the door.

[doorbell rings]

Wait.

Let me put on my jie and tacket.

I mean my tack and jiet.

Will you excuse me?

I break up at these touching scenes.

[doorbell rings]

I can't keep him waiting out there all night.

Here, let me.

Oh.

He hasn't changed a bit.

Hi.

Had a little accident.

Floor was just waxed.

Floor waxed? That's carpeting.

Slippery as the dickens underneath.

Dad, it's so wonderful to see you.

How are you, honey?

You sure everything is all right?

Of course, everything's fine.

Mmm, you're looking wonderful, Dad. How was the trip?

Come on and sit down and tell me everything.

Yes, sit down, tell us everything, Dad.

Well, there isn't much to tell.

How long can you stay with us?

Well, I won't be able to stay very long, Carol.

You see, there's a real estate syndicate here, Carmichael and Hogan.

And I may buy some land from them for a housing project.

Housing? I used to do all that kind of work.

You're looking beautiful, Carol.

California really agrees with you doesn't it, honey?

Oh, we really love it here.

Tell me, how are Aunt Alice and Aunt Gertrude?

I built a six-story office building downtown last year.

Oh, they're fine.

And Uncle Joe, is he still with that hardware company?

Oh, yes. They'll make him vice president yet.

Yes, siree, they say it's a showplace.

What's a regular showplace?

The alligator farm. It's right in the middle of the city.

Would you care to go down and see it on Sunday?

Why would I want to go see an alligator farm?

I'm here to close a real estate deal.

I don't know, I thought you just might like alligators.

Dad, you must be starved.

Why don't you go upstairs and wash up

while I put dinner on the table?

- Fine, honey. - Here, right up the stairs.

Turn right, you'll be in the cloak room.

The bathroom. The bathroom.

Oh, I waited years for this.

- For what? - I'm gonna lock him in the bathroom.

Wilbur.

That you, Ed?

That you, Ed?

Uh-Oh, here comes another lecture on neatness.

Okay, where have you--

Oh, no. Ed, look at yourself.

Revolting, huh?

How could you get so dirty?

Well, you know I'm trying to lose 40 pounds

so Chiquita will go for me.

Yes.

So I went to the park to run it off.

What park?

Santa Anita.

I came in second.

Don't be funny.

Look, Ed, I don't mind you trying lose a little weight,

but you're filthy.

I can't stand a sloppy horse.

How could you come in looking like this?

I tried a Turkish bath, but they wouldn't take me.

Oh, quiet. I'll clean you off this time, Ed.

But next you walk in here looking like that,

you're going to clean yourself.

If I where your size you do what to me?

Huh?

Oh.

You forgot I can read lips, huh?

[chuckles]

Can you read tails?

Read tails?

[laughs]

Figure that one out.

look, Ed, I told you,

you come in here once more looking like that,

and as far as I'm concerned, you'll stay that way.

Please, Wilbur, all the world loves a lover.

And I'm a lover so love me.

Ah, you crazy horse.

[hums]

♪ When the moon is on the sail ♪

You're really stuck on that Chiquita, huh?

Yeah, she sure makes a horse want to settle down.

Have you picked out a place for the honeymoon yet?

Nope, just a little stall by a waterfall.

Then one day, the stork may drop a 100-pound bundle.

Yeah.

Chiquita and me and baby makes three.

You know, you're not the marrying type, Ed?

You're more of a lone wolf.

You know, love them and leave them?

[chuckles]

Matter of fact, I was like that myself, you know?

You were, huh?

Oh, hello, Dad. I was just, uh--

Talking to the horse.

Yeah-- Uh, no.

To myself.

Not that I talk to myself,

but where have you been all morning, Dad?

Uh, looking over that property.

Is this where you work?

Yes, yes, this my office.

Sit down. I'll show you some of things I'm working on.

[sighs]

Right now I'm designing a--

designing a medical building, you see?

I laid out the parking lot in a L shape

So all the approaches are centralized.

I've got some other innovations.

And instead of using steel posts as bracers.

I'm using an alloy.

And no carrots.

Carrots?

I mean I have no carrots to give my horse.

If could let me know what's on your mind

with regard to your project.

Well, I'm not too sure myself, yet.

When the time comes.

Well, I have an architect in New York.

Oh, what's his name? Maybe I know him.

Oh, I don't think so. He's one of the big ones.

Pretty good, huh?

I always pick the best.

My success has been based on being able to pick

the right people for the right job.

If there's one thing I pride myself on,

it's my knowledge of character.

[phone rings]

Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, yes, yes. It's for you.

Oh, thank you.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Mr. Carmichael.

I know that you're anxious

to get on with the purchase of our property, Mr. Higgins,

so if you wish,

we can have our legal staff rush the contracts

and we could submit it for your approval by tomorrow.

Splendid, the sooner the better.

What time can you drop by tomorrow?

4 will be fine.

That's 17230 Valley Spring.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Well, so far so good, huh?

Yep.

I think our little chicken

is just about ready for plucking.

Hi, Ed.

Ed, are you in there?

Oh, no.

W-W-Wonderful day, isn't it?

Mmm, sun is shining. Birds are on the wing.

Dew is on the grass.

And dirt is on the horse.

Oh, could you get so filthy?

I heard mud baths were good for reducing.

Oh, you did, huh?

Wilbur, I got to lose 18 more pounds before Sunday.

Ed, do you remember what I told you yesterday?

I forgot.

Wash me down while you're reminding me.

I told you the next time you came home dirty,

you could clean yourself up.

Clean myself? How?

I don't know.

Go to a car wash for all I care.

Ha ha ha! A car wash.

Ha ha! Wilbur, you're beautiful.

[laughs]

Why aren't you laughing?

I meant what I said, Ed.

You got yourself dirty.

Now you can figure out some way

of getting yourself clean.

Now, wait a minute, buddy boy.

I got a big date with Chiquita Sunday.

I can't show up looking like a slob.

There's only one chance you have of getting clean.

What? I'll do anything. What?

Pray for rain.

You'll turn who in to the SPCA?

Uh, you and your lip reading.

And I'll break that code someday, too.

Bah.

- Hello, Carol. - Oh, hi, Roger.

- Where's Wilbur? - He's out in the office working.

Any chance of your father

letting him draw the plans for that big project?

I don't know.

Every time I bring it up,

Daddy mumbles something about Wilbur being eccentric.

He seems to think that anyone

who has an office in his barn can't be too reliable.

Well, that shouldn't make any difference.

After all, it's Wilbur who designs the plans, not the horse.

Although sometimes I wonder.

Hmm?

It's a beautiful building.

I have the plans just over at my office.

I can go and get them if you be interested?

Oh, all right.

Be right back.

Daddy, what happened to Wilbur?

Oh, he was telling me about some office building he designed,

and he went out to the barn--

um, to his office to get the plans.

Dad, now that we have a few minutes together,

let me try to explain something to you about Wilbur

Now I know you think he's eccentric,

but just wait till you get to know him.

Oh, boy. That's all I need.

I better sneak over the back fence.

Now, why would Wilbur skip lunch to go to a car wash

and want me to bring money?

You should have married the doctor.

Now don't look at me that way, Daddy.

That doctor is a psychiatrist now,

and Wilbur could have been his best patient.

Hey, Harry.

Do you see what I see?

It's a horse.

What's a horse doing here?

Who knows? Some nut wants his horse washed,

we'll wash it.

Think we should?

We're not thinkers, we're washers.

Yeah.

I'll take the front end, Harry.

Okay, I'll get the trunk.

Okay, Ed, come on home. You got your laugh.

Hey, what's going on here?

What's it look like, Mr. Burke?

We're washing a horse.

What's this horse doing here? What is this, a publicity gag?

I'm sorry, sir. My horse ran away.

He ran a--

Uh, you fellas get back to work.

There's some more cars coming in back there.

And as for you, mister--

Wait a minute. Hey, this could be good for a lot of publicity.

What a picture for the papers?

Hold him here will you? I want to go get my camera.

Ed, come on.

Wilbur?

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm wiping Ed down.

Carol if you're sensible--

I've kept your room back home for you

just the way you left it.

Come on.

Oh, but, Daddy.

Well, Ed, what more could you possibly do to me?

[metal bongs]

Aah!

It's just a short contract, Mr. Higgins.

You won't find any technical difficulties.

I'm sure.

I'm an architect, you know,

and I do know something about land,

so if there's anything in the contract you'd like me to explain--

Please, we left the house to get away from you.

I don't want you to think that I'm rushing you, Mr. Higgins,

but we do have other clients interested in this deal.

[phone rings]

Oh, that must be for me. I hope you don't mind.

My partner was supposed to call me

at 4:00 sharp on some important matter.

- May I? - Certainty.

Um, we have an extension in the barn.

Help yourself.

- Oh, thank you. - Sure thing.

[chuckles]

Sure thing.

[ring]

Bill?

Yeah, everything is coming along just fine.

No he doesn't know anything

about re-routing the freeway.

No, he doesn't know about

the city putting a garbage dump out there.

Stop worrying.

The way this deal is going,

I'll have everything wrapped up in 10 minutes.

Sure is neatly typed, huh?

You know, I've read a lot of contracts for my clients,

so if there's anything technical in there

that you don't feel you quite understand, why--

Oi, you don't like alligators, huh?

Sorry about the interruption, Mr. Higgins,

but that was another client interested in the same deal.

But you got first call.

Eh, this contract looks fine.

Yes, looks like we got a deal.

May I use your pen, please?

Yes, sir.

Just a minute.

Don't you think you should tell my father-in-law about

the new freeway being diverted away from this property?

- Free-- - Freeway?

Well, I was wondering how far you'd go

before you brought that up.

Well, actually I don't think

that rerouting the freeway makes much difference.

But if it bothers you, Mr. Higgins, perhaps we could

make some adjustment in the price?

Mmm.

And while you're adjusting the price,

what about the new dump the city is putting next to this property?

Dump?

Well, actually that's a rumor.

The City Council hasn't voted on it yet.

But like I say, Mr. Higgins,

perhaps an adjustment in the price?

And how about some carrots?

Carrot?

Uh, he knows what I mean.

No, I don't.

I don't know anything about any carrot situation.

Well, it's pretty bad. Pretty bad.

Freeway. City Dump.

Trying to put something over on me, eh?

No, Mr. Higgins.

It's lucky for me my son-in-law checked on you.

Good day, Mr. Carmichael.

Good day, Mr. Carmichael!

Wilbur, I owe you an apology.

You're a pretty smart fellow.

Hey, where did you get all that information?

Straight from the horse's mouth, Dad.

Mmm.

Well, what's all that for?

For winning Daddy over.

You know what he told me just before he left?

That I was a kook.

No, that he's glad I married you.

That's one thing I like about your father.

When he's wrong, he's the first one to deny it.

Oh.

I call you when dinner is ready.

Okay.

Ed, you haven't stopped eating all day.

What happened to your diet?

I thought you wanted to lose 40 pounds for Chiquita.

I gave her up.

You did? How come?

It she wants a long skinny horse,

let her get a giraffe.

You know, you're the kook.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.