Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Wait. I'm glad my money's tied up in hay.

Oh, morning, Wilbur.

Never mind that.

I'm tired of you beating me to the morning paper.

I like to read it with my eggs.

I like to read it with my hay.

When you get finished with the paper,

nobody else can look at it.

Say, Wilbur, get a load of this story

here at the bottom of the page in the corner.

"Little old lady leaves cat $50,000."

Well, that's silly.

What do you mean silly?

What's a cat going to do with $50,000?

Well, he won't have to chase mice in his old age.

That's true.

He could buy himself 40 or 50 cows.

Have a lifetime supply of milk.

That cat's got security.

Which is more than I've got.

Well, if it'll make you feel any better,

if anything happens to me, Carol will take care of you.

Yeah, suppose she marries a horse-hater.

Oh, she won't. Carol only marries nice people.

- Wilbur. - What?

Am I mentioned in your will?

Now, wait a minute, Ed.

No horse gets better care than you do.

You get the finest hay, the best carrots,

and-- and something else.

Last night I went out, and I spent $5.00 on you

for these special mineral tablets.

They're supposed to be good for your coat.

Well, I'm not worried about my health.

It's your health I'm worried about.

- Come on, Ed. - No, thanks.

I'm a horse, not a guinea pig.

Well, if Carol finds out I've wasted $5.00 on these,

she'll kill me.

And then marry that horse-hater.

She will not marry a horse-hater.

- Hi. - Hi.

Ed, I've changed my mind.

I've decided to see a lawyer and get a will drawn up

so that you'll be taken care of.

Oh, that's swell.

You planning to leave something for your wife, too?

Well, you feel more secure now?

Yeah, maybe I won't be a wealthy cat,

but I won't be a starving horse.

Ooh, ah, before I go,

how about trying one of these mineral pills, huh?

Oh, Wilbur, I don't want that junk.

I hate to waste them. They're so expensive.

Then you eat them.

You know, Carol is right.

I pamper you too much.

- Yeah. Oh, Wilbur. - Yeah?

I don't know how much you plan to leave me,

but remember one thing.

What?

That cat got 50,000.

All right, Mr. Post, now that we've list your assets,

let's get on with the provisions of your will.

I assume you wish to leave

the bulk of your estate to Mrs. Post.

That's right.

I'd also like to provide for the care of Mister Ed.

Mister Ed. A relative?

Uh, uh, no.

Friend?

Well, um, did you read in the paper this morning

where this little old lady left her cat $50,000?

Oh, yes.

You know, someone is sure to contest that will.

Oh?

Anyone that would leave that much money to a dumb animal

must be, um, shall we say, um--

Don't you agree?

Huh? This--

Oh. Yes.

[chuckles]

Now then, this Mister Ed,

how shall we describe his relationship to you?

Well, you, um-- you better just put down there friend.

Friend.

Mm-hmm.

And, uh, how do you want to provide for him?

Um, food.

I'd like him to have a lifetime supply of carrots, oats, barley.

He's a vegetarian?

Fanatically.

I'd also like to you to put a little money aside to keep him in shoes.

I understand. Shoes.

Clothing.

Just shoes. He doesn't wear clothes.

No, clothes?

Just a blanket.

Oh, I see. He's an Indian, hey?

No, a Palomino.

Mister Ed is a horse?

Yes.

And I know this may sound peculiar, Mr. Dieterle,

but, uh, there are several other provisions

I would like included in the will.

Yes, Mr. Post?

Well, first, his TV set must be kept in good working order.

Your horse has his own TV set?

Well, my wife won't let him in the house to watch with us.

Ah, she won't?

You can't blame her.

A horse doesn't belong inside a house.

Of course not.

He's much happier where he is, in my office.

Your office?

Well, it's really a corner of the barn that I converted.

I see.

[clears throat]

Will there be, uh, anything else, Mr. Post?

No.

Well, I think I have all the necessary information.

Now, if you'll just have Mrs. Post come down here.

Oh, no, no, I don't want my wife to know anything about this.

You see, she feels that I'm overly attached to my horse.

What ever gave her that idea?

Well, you know women.

[chuckles]

Yes.

Well, now, before my secretary types this up,

let's just review these notes.

"I, Wilbur Post, being of sound mind...

"and not being actuated by any duress, menace, fraud,

"or undue influence whatsoever..."

Well, Ed, it's all finished.

I just made out my will.

Good.

Who did you name as executor?

Executor?

You know, the one who hands out the loot.

Oh, oh, Addison.

Aw, Wilbur, he hates me.

That's like cutting me off without one red carrot.

Wait a minute, Ed.

You may not like Roger,

but when the chips are down,

he's a perfectly gentle and honest man.

Yeah?

Name me one animal-lover who had a mustache.

Theodore Roosevelt.

Please. He was cruel to horses.

Theodore Roosevelt?

Well, sure.

Why do you think they called him a Rough Rider?

Oh, Ed, will you stop worrying?

I tell you, Roger Addison is a perfectly honest man.

You'll get all the food that's coming to you.

Yeah? With him dishing out my hay,

I'd hire a food-taster.

What do you want me to do?

Call the lawyer.

Tell him when you named Addison,

it was temporary insanity.

And tell me, who do you want as executor?

Well, I know of somebody who's fair, honest, and completely trustworthy.

Yeah? Who?

Me.

Oh, you crazy horse.

[chuckles]

Please, Mr. Sweeney, my husband's home today.

Mr. Sweeney.

Oh, Wilbur, I thought it was the milkman.

Still think it's the milkman?

No.

Mm, that was more like the butcher.

Come here, you Jezabel.

[Carol laughs]

[both laugh]

Why all this sudden affection?

Well, honey, I've been thinking.

If something should happen to me and you should marry again,

what sort of man would you marry?

Mm, someone like you--

Tall, dark, sophisticated, with a French accent.

I'm serious, Carol.

Wilbur, what brought all this on?

Well, I mean, we've got to be realistic, you know.

A man's got to provide for his loved ones.

Oh, Wilbur, really.

Well, I mean, I've been thinking,

if something should happen to me,

who would take care of Mister Ed?

Ed?

You mean, who would take care of me?

Well, Ed and you.

You and Ed.

What I mean is, if something should happen to me,

would you take care of Ed? That's what I mean.

Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine.

Just promise me one thing--

you won't marry a horse-hater.

All right, I promise.

Well, let's have breakfast.

[humming]

Oh, hi, honey.

Where have you been all morning?

Oh, out on business.

Wow, it's, uh, time for Ed's lunch.

Carol, how about you feeding him?

Me?

Yeah, well, I think you ought to get used to feeding him.

Why?

Well, that way you can both get to know each other better.

Oh, Wilbur, please.

I'm-- I'm too busy to feed Mister Ed.

I wish you'd take an interest in him, Carol.

You could give him love, security.

All right, get me some steel wool,

and-- and I'll knit him a pair of horseshoes.

Don't joke about it, Carol.

Ed needs you.

Why, if something ever happened to me,

you can get married.

Ed couldn't.

Have you got your clothes ready yet, Carol?

My little doll is going to drive us down to the cleaners.

Oh, thanks, Rog.

It's only fair.

She's been taking me to the cleaners for years.

Oh, Roger.

- Can I help you with those? - Oh, thank you.

Where's Wilbur? I haven't seen him all morning.

He's feeding Ed.

Roger, I'm worried about him.

Why? Is anything wrong?

Well, I don't know.

Roger, you're his best friend.

Is he all right?

Of course.

Physically he's fine.

Of course mentally, that's a different story.

Oh, stop being such a clown.

Can't you see she's worried?

Believe me, my dear. You have nothing to worry about.

I'm sure that Wilbur is in perfect health.

[sighs]

I guess I'm worrying about nothing.

Actually--

What's this?

My goodness, look at the size of that pill.

I've seen smaller bowling balls.

Wilbur's never taken a pill in his life.

Why has he been hiding this from me?

Oh, they're probably just vitamin pills.

Has he complained about feeling sick lately?

No, on the contrary.

Last night he took me dancing

and then for a moonlight ride on the beach.

Oh, he hasn't been so romantic since our honeymoon.

Come on, doll. Open up for Mommy.

Oh, come on now, Kay. Cut that out.

Well, there goes my moonlight ride.

Don't look so grim, Carol.

As Kay says, I'm sure these are only vitamin pills.

Well, of course, sweetie.

If there was anything wrong with Wilbur, you'd know it.

Oh, that's right.

If it hadn't been for you two, I'd be a nervous wreck.

As long as your mind is at ease, my dear.

[phone rings]

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Hello, is Mr. Post in?

No, this is Mrs. Post. Is there any message?

Yes, please.

I'm calling for your husband's attorney.

Mr. Dieterle left town, and he asked me to inform Mr. Post

that his will would be ready for notarization this Monday.

What's the matter, honey?

Wilbur made out a will without telling me.

Oh, now, there you go again, Carol.

Just because your husband has been talking morbidly

and made out a will and carries around a few pills--

Courage, my dear.

[laughing]

That tickles.

Watch my mole.

You're feeling more secure now that you know you're mentioned in my will, huh?

You're all heart, Wilbur.

And I want you to know something.

What is it, Ed?

If I should go first, everything I own goes to you.

Well, that's very kind of you, but I'll look kind of silly

walking around with horseshoes and a saddle.

I wish I could leave you something, Wilbur.

Oh, Ed, you'll be leaving me wonderful memories

of a horse that is faithful and kind.

A true friend and a pal.

There'll never be another horse like you, Ed.

[sniffles]

What's wrong?

I'm not even gone, and I miss me already.

Oh, Ed.

Aah.

Sorry, Ed.

Oh.

I got to go.

We're having dinner tonight at the Addisons'.

Now, remember, I expect you to be brave.

Now, let's all smile, pretend to be gay.

Wilbur, come in.

Sorry, I'm late, Rog.

Oh, think nothing of it, old boy.

Go ahead. The girls are waiting for you.

Boy, what a beautiful night.

Why are you all smiling?

Uh, Addison just told us a very funny joke.

[both laugh]

Oh, I heard a very funny joke today.

It seems this farmer came out from the east,

and he was a little confused by the change of time, you see.

So he woke up one morning three hours early

and started to milk the cow while the cow was still asleep.

Suddenly the cow woke up

and said, "Thank heavens it's you.

"I thought I was being robbed."

[laughs]

Gee, I don't know.

When I heard the joke, I-- I thought I'd die.

Oh, Wilbur, please.

Uh, Wilbur,

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my annual checkup.

How about coming along with me?

Why? Are you scared of doctors?

No, I just like company.

Well, now that the cans are all open,

shall we have dinner?

Yes.

[phone rings]

Oh, pardon me.

Hello?

Yes, yes, he's here.

Wilbur, it's for you.

Hold it just a minute.

Thanks, Rog.

Hello?

Roger, I can't stand it.

I'm going to ask him what's wrong with him.

Yeah, maybe she should.

You'll never get Wilbur to your doctor.

No, but maybe I can get my doctor to come to him.

But, Roger, you heard him.

Wilbur would never submit to an examination,

not if he's trying to hide something from me.

He'll never even know that he's being examined by a doctor.

Well, how in the world are you going to do that?

Dr. Reynolds happens to be an excellent golfer.

I'll introduce him as a golf instructor.

Now, leave everything to me.

[Kay] Carol.

Oh, hi, Kay.

Has the doctor--

Not doctor, golf pro.

Where's Wilbur?

Upstairs changing into his golf clothes.

He's so excited about this lesson he thinks he's taking.

Oh, now, my dear, remember, you promised to be brave.

Yes, there's no sense in worrying, angel.

The doctor might find--

Shh.

I mean the golf pro might find he's not so sick after all.

Kay, why don't you wait outside, huh?

Addison, I promise you I won't say a word.

[doorbell rings]

That's the doctor. I'll let him--

Shh.

Why don't you wait out on the patio, loose lips?

I'll get it.

Hello, John.

Rog, how are you?

Come in. Uh, he's upstairs.

John Reynolds, this is Carol Post.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

- You have a lovely home. - Thank you.

And my wife Kay.

How do you do?

My husband tells me that you're one of the finest doctors--

I'll be out on the patio.

Roger, I'm only doing this out of friendship for you

and to relieve Mrs. Post's anxiety.

Oh, and I appreciate it so much.

Well, now you understand, I can't give your husband

a thorough physical examination this way.

We realize that, John.

Just check him for the major symptoms.

Later, we'll get him to your office for a complete check up.

Fine.

[Wilbur] Honey, is the golf pro here yet?

Yes, Wilbur, he's here.

I'll wait outside.

- Hi, Wilbur. - Hi.

Wilbur Post, John Reynolds.

- How do you do? - Hello, John.

Boy, this is a real treat for me.

Roger's been telling me how much you've improved his game.

Well, he's been a very apt pupil.

Now, if you'll just sit down and watch,

I'll demonstrate the proper stance.

Okay.

All right.

Now, the most important thing

in getting a good, smooth stroke

is to pivot your knee correctly.

Oh, which knee?

That one.

Oh, that's fine. Fine.

Now, you take the club

because I want to check your grip.

Oh, all right.

There we are.

Uh, right hand first.

There we are.

Good. Now, nice grip.

Firm but gentle.

That's it.

Uh, now, what did you say your golf score is?

99.

Uh, what was that?

99.

Louder, please.

99!

Fine, fine.

- What's fine? - Uh, your grip.

Oh, thank you.

Now, let's see about those shoulders.

They must be straight, you know.

- [giggling] Please. - I'll try not to tickle you.

- Ticklish. - Yes.

Now, let's see. No tenseness. No tenseness.

Now, let's see. Would you take a deep breath for me, please?

Deep breath?

Oh, yes. It's very important, you know,

just before you hit the ball to hold your breath.

- Gets the power. - Power, that's right. Power.

Now, would you breathe for me?

Let it out.

That's fine.

Very good.

Now, let's see. We better--

We better check on your backswing, I think.

- Okay. - Let me help you here.

There we go. Up, up, up slowly.

Slowly. There we go.

Now, when you get to the top of the swing,

it's very important to pause.

How long?

Uh, five seconds.

1, 2,

3, 4, 5.

Good, good.

Very good.

Somebody could've played through.

Yes. Now, let's see.

Uh, we've taken care of your backswing.

Now, we'll attend to the downswing in a minute,

but first I want to check your sense of balance.

Uh, would you close your eyes, please

and hold your hands out in front of you?

I never had a lesson like this before.

And you never will again.

Uh, listen to him, Wilbur. Listen to him.

He took six strokes off my game.

Uh, would you close your eyes, please?

- Yeah. - Hands out in front of you.

Now, have you got your eyes closed?

- Yes. - All right.

Now, let's see. We'll check this balance here.

Well, it seems to be all right there.

That's fine.

Is this for the grip or the swing?

Uh, everything. Everything. It covers everything.

- Overall. - Yeah, mm-hmm.

Let's see.

Yes, I think you're doing just fine.

- Oh, good. - You should make a good gol--

Oh, oh, eyes closed.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were finished.

Now, now, hold your hands out.

Now, would you lift your right leg for me, please?

Lift my leg?

Yes, lift your leg. Keep your eyes closed.

Hands out, leg up. There we are.

Very good. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm, yeah, that's all right.

This is the strangest golf lesson.

Yes, well, you can't teach a man to line up a put properly

unless he's got good peripheral vision.

Yeah, looks fine. Fine.

Excuse me.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Wilbur, that golf pro is really a doctor.

He is?

You wouldn't go for a checkup,

so they're bringing the checkup to you.

Oh.

Well, thank you for the call.

They had me terribly worried with that doctor.

You ought to teach them a lesson.

I, uh-- I think you're right.

And I will.

Goodbye, Mr. Jackson.

Well, uh, where were we?

[coughs]

Wilbur, what is the matter with you?

Well, I-- Nothing, I--

Huh?

I always get these nervous attacks when I worry.

What do you worry about?

Getting these nervous attacks.

Well, tell me, how long have you had these attacks?

Oh-- [coughs]

Just since I fell off my horse.

Wilbur, you never told me you fell off a horse.

Well, I didn't really fall off it.

I-- I fainted.

Do you get these attacks often?

Oh, only when my wife isn't around.

I don't like to worry her.

Oh, Wilbur.

Haven't got time now, honey.

Got to continue with our golf lesson.

Uh, how about a little putting practice, doctor?

Look, I'm sorry.

You knew it all the time, didn't you?

Oh, of course. Golf pro. With those bloomers?

You got M.D. written all over you.

And, Carol, I mean,

that was a pretty sneaking way of getting a man examined.

Oh, but-- but you're sick, and you refused--

Wait-- Wait.

What ever gave you the idea that I am sick?

Well, that will you made out

and those pills I found in your pocket.

Honey, those pills are for Ed and so was the will.

For Ed?

Excuse me. Who is Ed?

Ed is my horse.

You made out a will to your horse?

Well, that's no stranger

than making out a will to a cat.

Roger, let's get on with the examination. You hold him.

What?

Now-- Now, wait a minute. Rog-- No, that's silly.

- Breathe deeply please. - That's silly!

Exhale.

Poor old Ed.

They sure had me worried with that doctor.

Yeah, you were practically in tears over the phone.

You're all I've got, Wilbur.

I know, Ed.

I'm really your next of kin.

To me, you're like a blood brother.

Thanks, Ed.

Well, at least you're well provided for now.

Say, how did she take it when you told her I was in your will?

What do you mean how did she take it?

I just told her that from now on I was the boss,

that's the way I wanted it, and that was that.

[laughs]

Oh, boy, that's telling her.

Good night, boss.

Good night, Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

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