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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:05,760 PEACEFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC 2 00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:15,040 Hi. - Good evening. 3 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:20,960 - Fully booked again tonight? 4 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:22,440 HE COOS 5 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:24,600 I'm sorry? 6 00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:25,760 HE COOS 7 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:26,800 You... 8 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:28,440 ECHOEY COOING 9 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:29,640 PIGEON COOS 10 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:31,160 SHE GASPS 11 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:33,000 SCREAMING 12 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,200 - Morning. - Morning. - Good morning. 13 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,400 - SHE SIGHS 14 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,400 Living the dream. 15 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,520 Clear. 16 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:13,640 - Yes! 17 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,320 - HE URINATES 18 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,120 On your marks. 19 00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:21,880 Get set. 20 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,720 Go! 21 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:25,560 - For King and country! 22 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,520 - Morning. - Morning. 23 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,520 If music be the food of love... 24 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,080 - MUSIC: Friday I'm In Love by The Cure 25 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:39,960 - He just really speaks to me. - Oh, no, not this berk again. 26 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,680 Get a job! 27 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,520 - Oh, eh, eh, four down is bum. 28 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:45,760 Bum. Bum. 29 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,960 - Robin, for the last time, no newspaper's going to... 30 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,560 - Three letter, "gluteus maximus"... 31 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,120 - Oh, yeah, you're right. - ..is bum. 32 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:53,520 - Yeah. - B-u-m. 33 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:54,800 Good. Very good. 34 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,400 - Come on! Come on! - Yes. 35 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:02,240 OK. - Yes! Takes me back to the David Lloyd in Chelsea. 36 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:04,880 Take that, Hugo! 37 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:07,240 - So where did we get to? - Er, World Cup '86. 38 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,560 It's quarterfinals. 39 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,440 - England-Argentina. All right. 40 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,240 - Ah, the Hand of God. 41 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:14,720 - You what? 42 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,440 - Maradona - scores with a handball, swings the match. 43 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:21,000 - Well, don't tell me the score. - 2-1 to Argentina. 44 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,200 - What's wrong with you?! 45 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,040 You absolute... - Dikhet. 46 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,640 - Robin! - Is six-letter, "permit to travel", dikhet! 47 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:30,440 - Oh, ticket! 48 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,520 - Dikhet! - Ticket! - Here. - Yeah, OK. 49 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,240 You're getting good at these. 50 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,600 - Well, me very clever. 51 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:37,840 Ugh. 52 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,080 - Hey! 53 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,160 - 'Orse. 54 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,840 - Huh. Huh-huh-huh-horse. 55 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:49,560 - Oh. LAUGHING 'orse. 56 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:52,800 - Thank you. 57 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,560 - Absolute filth! 58 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,080 - SHE GASPS 59 00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,520 - Oh, thanking you kindly. 60 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:04,800 Oh... 61 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,640 I do not like where this is going. 62 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,000 - DOOR OPENS 63 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,000 - Morning. 64 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,280 - Morning. - Hi, Alison. 65 00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,720 - Hi! - Back to the grindstone. 66 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,480 - Yeah. - Which reminds me, we found this grindstone. 67 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,960 14th century. Honestly, your cellar is literally a gold mine. 68 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,160 - When you say litera...? - Archeologically speaking. 69 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,240 - Ah, yeah. 70 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,560 - Here we go, then. 71 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,000 - Oh, push it! 72 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,720 Well? - Two minutes, 30. Same as... 73 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,240 Well, always. I mean, it's always two minutes, 30. 74 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:39,520 - Blast! 75 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,440 Well, keep at it. - Hmm. 76 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,000 - Maybe I need to try some new stretches or something. 77 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,520 - Yeah, or maybe you can't really get any faster, 78 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:50,360 you know, because you can't build muscle, what with you being - 79 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:54,200 and I mean this with all the love in the world, Cap - dead. 80 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,160 - We didn't win the war with attitudes like that, did we? 81 00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:58,960 - BOTH: - No. - No! 82 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,360 Right, I'm going to go and stretch my hams. 83 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,680 - Well, I mean, they won't stretch because you're... 84 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,520 He's dead. - I'm dead. - Yeah, you're dead, yeah. 85 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,880 - You'll be dead soon. - What? 86 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,160 - Sorry. 87 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,880 - Right. Hard to be conclusive about the cause of death, but, er, 88 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:15,720 well, it's going to be plague, isn't it? 89 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,080 - GHOSTS MURMUR IN AGREEMENT 90 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,280 - From the pelvis, I'd say female. 91 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,880 - GHOSTS CHEER AND GROAN 92 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,920 - 30 to 40. 93 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,920 - GHOSTS CHATTER 94 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,320 - Down, down. 95 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,280 - Bowed right femur. Probable limp. 96 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:29,800 - The winner! 97 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,760 - Evidence of extensive syphilis. 98 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,160 - No, no, not that bit. 99 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,400 - Same as the male from yesterday. 100 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,040 - Geoff! - What? - Someone's been a naughty boy! 101 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,560 - Hi, er... 102 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,560 GHOSTS MURMUR 103 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,080 - Hello, stranger. 104 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,880 - I forgot to say, that, um, we've got a photographer coming today 105 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,480 to take a picture for our brochure. 106 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,120 - Oh, for the hotel? - Erm... 107 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,600 No, we...we...we ran out of money, and also... 108 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,040 ..this. 109 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,640 So we're thinking of trying to use some of the big rooms for functions, 110 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,240 weddings, you know. 111 00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,360 - Nice. - Which will be nice, yeah. 112 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,400 Er, yeah, and we need to get a shot of the front, 113 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,640 so do you think you could move your van? 114 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,960 - Well, I could, but... 115 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,400 - Yes, great, thank you. 116 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:11,520 Any end in sight? - Er, yeah, nearly there. Few more days. 117 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,440 Sorry it's taken so long. There's just so much history on this site. 118 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,800 - GHOSTS CHATTER - Honestly, if these bones could talk. 119 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,960 - Yeah, well, that would save us all a lot of hassle, wouldn't it? 120 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,920 But then...who'd believe you?! 121 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:24,120 LAUGHTER 122 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:26,800 Oo-hoo! 123 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,480 - So the aim is to turn it into a venue. - A venue for what? 124 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:38,560 - Er, well, you know, weddings, parties, bar mitzvahs... 125 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,880 ..girl mitzvahs. - Bat mitzvahs. 126 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,600 - For bats? 127 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:43,880 - What? 128 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,200 - Huh? 129 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,680 - Erm, we need it to look nice, 130 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,240 so if you could avoid the bad bits... 131 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:51,560 - What, all of them? 132 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,200 - SHE CHUCKLES - Well, just find the best angle. 133 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,520 - Yeah, I mean, we know that the camera never lies, 134 00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,640 but if it could not tell the whole truth, 135 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,480 then that would be very handy for us. 136 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,320 - I'll see what I can do. - Great. 137 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:10,160 - There's simply not enough slates to do the whole roof! 138 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:14,000 - Er... 139 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,920 - It's the third Earl of Winborne! 140 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,400 - OK. 141 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,040 - IMITATES EARL 142 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,240 - I'm not sure Impressions Club's going to work, is it? 143 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,840 - Well, let's not be too hasty. No-one's heard my Nelson Mandela. 144 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,400 - Outrageous! - Haven't done it yet. 145 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,000 - No, no, no, no! 146 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:35,240 Alison, get the tradesman off the lawn! 147 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,720 Snap-snap! - Um, Rory, can we try...? 148 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,160 - This way? - Yeah, just... 149 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,480 - All the way off the lawn! 150 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:41,800 - A little bit... - Yeah. 151 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:42,840 - Both feet! 152 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:44,880 - Yeah. And more... - Hurry up! - And just... 153 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,040 That's perfect. - Here? - Yeah. 154 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,520 - Whatever happened to standards?! 155 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:53,480 - Absolutely. Mustn't let things slide. 156 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,160 All it takes is a little... 157 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,280 - BONES CRACK 158 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,280 - ..effort. 159 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:26,880 - PHONE CHIMES 160 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,560 - Urgh! Look at this evil old... 161 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,280 Isn't that...? - Oh, no. 162 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:49,960 - She's everywhere. 163 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,760 Look! And there! 164 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,040 - Where'd you get that? - Over there. 165 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,760 - Did you know this happens? - I had no idea. 166 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:02,880 If indeed that is me. She looks at least 20 years older. 167 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,360 - How come SHE can be seen? 168 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,320 - Perhaps it's only if you're grumpy. 169 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,680 - Or ugly. 170 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,880 - Well, her photo's all over Facebook now, 171 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,640 so we can say goodbye to doing events. 172 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:14,200 No-one wants a haunted wedding. 173 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:15,440 - No-one will know. 174 00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,880 Look, it's only one window and he doesn't say where it is... 175 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,240 - PHONE CHIMES 176 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,080 Hmm. - OK, but does anybody actually read the comments? 177 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:26,640 - Gah! Just look at them, gullible cretins! 178 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,720 I mean, what sort of moron believes in ghosts? 179 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,480 - You ARE a ghost. 180 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,640 - Well, yeah, but, you know, before I became one, 181 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:36,280 you wouldn't have caught me believing in this sort of nonsense. 182 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,680 - I'm going to talk to them. - And say what? 183 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,800 - That there's no such thing as ghosts. 184 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,000 - Yeah, you tell 'em. Bloody weirdos! 185 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,560 - Hi, hi. I'm Alison, and I own the house. Um... 186 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:50,920 SURPRISED MURMURING 187 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,200 I do! 188 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,360 Look, I know why you're here, 189 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,040 but I can assure you that there are no ghosts...ghost. 190 00:08:58,040 --> 00:08:59,800 There is no ghost. 191 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,600 I know that it looks like a very spooky old house, 192 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,640 but there's nothing creepy going on here, actually. 193 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,840 - Hi, Alison. - Could you open the gate? 194 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,160 - Really? Now? 195 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,040 - Well, you made us move the van. 196 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,200 - Yeah. 197 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,280 - Is that the Grey Lady? 198 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,280 - CAMERAS CLICK 199 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,000 Obviously, I know how that looks, 200 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,160 but that is unrelated to the ghosts...ghost! 201 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,760 Erm, look, the photo is a fake, 202 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,720 and I'd really appreciate it if you could all just go home, 203 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,080 please, and not go spreading any rumours or... 204 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,720 - Well, that worked. - Hmm. 205 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,720 - So you're a paranormal expert? 206 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,520 - Yes, indeed, I am a paranormal podder, 207 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,840 blogger, vlogger, and psogger. 208 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,040 - Psogger? 209 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,200 - It's a psychic blogger. The P's silent. 210 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,040 - Oh, eh, oh! We on TV! 211 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,240 - We're on TV! 212 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:52,680 Oh, we're on TV! 213 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:54,720 - Look, come, come see, look, huh, see, look! 214 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,200 - SHE GASPS 215 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,760 TV: - ..some very fascinating spirits, erm, and there's lots of 216 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,640 emanations coming from... from this hou... 217 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:01,840 Sorry, what was that, Tony? 218 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,480 That's my guide, Tony. 219 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,240 Yeah, no, he was just saying that something bad happened here... 220 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,320 - We are all over Twitter. 221 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,560 "Man, this pic has me bricking it. That ghost be one scary-ass..." 222 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:14,160 Is she in the room? 223 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:15,400 - BOTH: - Yes. 224 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,720 - Well, it doesn't say "lady". 225 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,480 - TV: - It's just a pity the owners are being so uncooperative 226 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,200 because the opportunity to study 227 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,640 this kind of phenomenon is so valuable. 228 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,040 - How valuable? 229 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,800 - Let's find out. 230 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:34,200 Hi... Hi... Hello! 231 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:37,320 Hi, yeah, I'm Mike, I live here, and... 232 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:38,880 - LAUGHTER 233 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,880 - I do! - If you say so. 234 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,160 - Er, anyway, my wife might have been a bit hasty 235 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,800 with some of the stuff she said earlier, 236 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,280 so, well, let me put something to you. 237 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:51,520 - And you just get to be yourselves without me telling you not to, 238 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,360 so go full ghost. 239 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,360 Julian, just shove anything you like. 240 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,000 Robin, just go crazy with the lights. 241 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,000 Mary, lot of weird burning smells. 242 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,600 And a few Fanny pictures. 243 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:04,720 - Oh, can I play? - Oh, yes! Teamwork makes the team work. 244 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,760 No... - No, speak for yourselves. 245 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,040 Personally, I don't want a bunch of misfits 246 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,640 poking around in every corner, 247 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,200 keeping us up at night with their probes and their machines... 248 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,920 - Cap-Cap-Captain... - Yeah? 249 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:19,000 - It... It's actually just these four I really need. 250 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:23,480 No offence, but, haunting-wise, you don't really have much to offer. 251 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,840 - No. That's fine, actually, er, 252 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,960 because I'm, er... I'm busy with something. 253 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,800 So, thank you. - Mm-hm. 254 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,200 - What? 255 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,720 - HE EXHALES 256 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,200 Sorry, guys. 257 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:35,400 - No. 258 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,480 I wish there were something I could do to assist fair Alison. 259 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,840 - Yeah. The irony, eh? 260 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,920 I had so many skills in life - 261 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:45,960 knot-tying, tent-pitching, archery... 262 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,240 Oh, no, well... 263 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,560 - And Mike has this "No Sugar, I'm Sweet Enough" mug 264 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,080 that I would really love to meet with an accident, 265 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,320 so if you could just suddenly push it... - Hmm. 266 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,040 - Um... - And what's in it for me? 267 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,000 - Well, there's not really much that I can... 268 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,080 - A smartphone. 269 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,600 - What?! - There was a review in Robin's paper 270 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:06,760 for an application which allows you to play golf with a single finger 271 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,560 on a smartphone. 272 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,040 - But they're hundreds of pounds. 273 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,920 - Well, if you don't want my help... - Are you trying to blackmail me? 274 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:16,800 - With respect, I think the real issue here is...is, er... 275 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,800 Oh, I'm not on Newsnight now, am I? 276 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,120 Yeah, it's blackmail. 277 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,480 - Oh, come on, Julian, everyone else is willing to help. 278 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:24,880 - Alison, I'm not willing to help. 279 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:29,040 The smell of burnings, um, reminds me of being tied to that stake. 280 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,720 And for that reason, I'm out. 281 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:33,600 - Hmm! 282 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,240 - ALISON SIGHS 283 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,240 - The offer stands. 284 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:39,040 - And I will not be paraded about like some Parisian concubine. 285 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,880 - Yeah, she no porcupine! 286 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,640 Ugh! And me no sideshow freak! 287 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,800 - No, but... - Actually, Robin, 288 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,640 having been to a sideshow, you're exactly like... 289 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,120 No, no, nothing. 290 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,040 - Guy... Guys! 291 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,520 - And boom! We have paying guests. 292 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,960 Ghost night is on! 293 00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,360 - Slight problem - no ghosts. 294 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,280 OWL HOOTS 295 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,200 - Welcome to Button House. - Hi. 296 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,920 - Just through here. 297 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,760 So what do we do? I promised them stuff moving on its own and 298 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,480 weird smells and lights going off... 299 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,840 - They have gone on strike. I mean, what do you want me to do? 300 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,880 - I dunno. You're the ghost expert. - Hmm. 301 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,040 HE GASPS 302 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,320 - You're a ghost expert - you know how they operate, 303 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,360 so can't we just... 304 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,000 - MUTTERS: - ..fake it? - Eh? 305 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,200 - Fake it. - No! No, that's completely immoral. 306 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,000 We can't just rip people off. I mean, what, they've paid, like...? 307 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,320 - 200 quid each. 308 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,440 - Although, yeah, OK, thinking about it... 309 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:37,200 ..it IS a real haunted house, so it's only, like, a white lie. 310 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,840 We have to con them, 311 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,240 because it's the right thing to do. - Yes, yes. 312 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,480 - OK. 313 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,080 - Hmm! 314 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:51,400 - Nice to see you, to see you... 315 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,800 - BOTH: - Nice! 316 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:55,080 - JULIAN LAUGHS 317 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,080 - It's like he's in the room! 318 00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:00,320 - Gentlemen, there is an invasion afoot. 319 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,360 Despite expressly forbidding it, 320 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,680 she has just opened up the border and let them all in. 321 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:08,160 The place is awash with eccentrics and fantasists. 322 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,640 - THEY GASP 323 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,760 - Uh-uh. No way, Jose. 324 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,480 We told her we weren't playing ball. 325 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,360 - Yes, there be nothing to see. 326 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:16,720 - Slash smells. 327 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,920 - No, no - they are planning on faking it all. 328 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,400 Pretending that there are ghosts. 329 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:24,120 I mean, it makes a mockery of our very existence. 330 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:27,000 - But these people came here for a glimpse of Fanny. 331 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,080 - Yes, and they can hardly fake that. 332 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,400 - Well, that's it. Well, they still need you. 333 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,920 Of course! Come on. We shall have to find you a place to hide. 334 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,400 Chop chop, Fanny. 335 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,240 Let's go. Come along. 336 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,400 - Come on, ape. 337 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,960 We're putting a stop to this. 338 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,400 I didn't die to let someone else fake the skills I've honed in death 339 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,560 without giving me a smartphone. 340 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,040 - What?! 341 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,600 - And I'll... I'll stays here and watch... 342 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:57,480 ..this wall. 343 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:02,480 Hmm. 344 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,440 - Oh, yeah, this part of the house has a lot of paranormal activity. 345 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:12,200 - Oh, how exciting! I hope we see some. - Kitty, I think we ARE some. 346 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,040 - Check, one, two. Check. Check. 347 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,880 - Stick together, everyone! 348 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,480 - One, two, two, two. 349 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:21,320 Pop into Pagham to purchase a pig. 350 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,360 OK. It's 21.07. 351 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,680 Recording in zone four for EVP. 352 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,000 - What? - Electronic voice phenomena. 353 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:34,040 It picks up vocal frequencies of discarnate entities. 354 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,760 Ghosts, Danni, the voices of ghosts. 355 00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,920 Right, proceed to zone three. - Er... 356 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,200 - The kitchen, Danni. Check your map. 357 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,480 - Did you hear that? - What? 358 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,120 - That thing there picks up ghosts' voices. 359 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,120 Maybe we can help after all! 360 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,320 - Help Alison? - Yeah. Speak into that microphone, 361 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,880 and we can prove that this house is haunted. 362 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,560 - What would we say? 363 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:01,600 - Erm... 364 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:08,720 Hello, and, erm, welcome to Button Hou... 365 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,240 Ooh! Welcome to Button FM! 366 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,960 I'm Pat Butcher. 367 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,640 - HIGH-PITCHED: - # Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo! 368 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,760 # The greatest DJ in the area! 369 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,600 # Pat Butcher! # 370 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,320 And joining me this week is renowned poet Thomas Thorne! 371 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,720 How are you, Thomas? 372 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,960 - WHISPERS: - Thomas, we're on the air. 373 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:35,080 And we'll be right back with Thomas 374 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,000 after this song from local band Chicken & Chips. 375 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,920 It's called Where's The Cream? 376 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,720 - Greetings, my apparition apostles. 377 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:48,760 The Ghostmaster General here, on the hunt in the kitchen of Button House, 378 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,160 where restless spirits are said to... 379 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,000 - Turn the light off. 380 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,320 - Was that it? 381 00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:59,600 - Well, yeah, but it's, like, really spooky, 382 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,440 cos it's when you least expect it... 383 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:04,640 ..usually. 384 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,240 - Robin! - It not me! 385 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,000 - Oooh, clever! 386 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,040 - Oh, well, why don't you sleep with her, then? 387 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:13,800 - Sweetheart, we've talked about this. 388 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,280 - Two can play at that game. 389 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:19,200 Hoooo! 390 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,600 - HE STRAINS 391 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,920 Oh! 392 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,160 - Eh? Who the daddy? I'm the daddy. I'm Daddy. 393 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,200 No, no, no. 394 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,320 - HE STRAINS 395 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,000 ELECTRICITY CRACKLES 396 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,080 THEY GASP 397 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,080 - Oh, God! 398 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,400 - Things are kicking off here, guys. This is getting pretty spooky. 399 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,480 - Oh, yes, that's really thrown them off the scent. 400 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,200 - Oh... 401 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,920 Oh, no. 402 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,120 - OK, ease down. Ease down. 403 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,320 It's over, isn't it? It's over. 404 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,480 Do you want some milk? 405 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,600 Do you...do you want a glass of milk? - No, thank you. 406 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,600 - Cor! That really freaked them out. They're all yours. 407 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,520 - Right, then, to the ballroom. 408 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,520 - Well, we know where they're not. 409 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,760 Come along, Fanny, down you go. 410 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,960 - But it's cold and damp down there. 411 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,560 - You can't feel the cold. 412 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:29,600 - SHE SCREAMS 413 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:31,600 - Huh. 414 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:33,600 Or can we? 415 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,840 Yes, cool the muscles, improve performance. 416 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:40,320 A little night air might just give me the edge. 417 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:42,920 - SHE WHIMPERS 418 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:53,240 - And, of course, your poetry rhymes, which is A, harder, 419 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:56,720 and B, shows you have a real passion for the English language. 420 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,480 Is that fair to say? 421 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:01,360 - Yes. 422 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,160 - HE SIGHS 423 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,360 - And we'll be back with Thomas after these advertisements. 424 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:13,680 - Buy cheese. 425 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,200 Please. 426 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,120 Louise. 427 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,520 Buy Louise's Pleasing Cheese, 428 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:27,680 made from only the freshest Jersey milk, 429 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,560 lovingly thumbed from our all-Friesian herd... 430 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,880 - And we have a lot of poltergeist activity up here. 431 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,280 - But that's where I live! 432 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:44,040 - Oh, we also have a smell...tergeist...tergeist. 433 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,280 Smell-tergeist. 434 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:46,600 - We're overrun! 435 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,040 - If you just step this way... 436 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,840 SHE RETCHES 437 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:55,120 Do you smell that? 438 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,960 - Yes, yes, I smell it. - Crafty cow. 439 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,160 - Smells like fire, but there is no fire. 440 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,520 - Apart from that one. 441 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:07,080 - WOMAN MUTTERS: - Oh, come on. Do you think we should leave this? 442 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,480 - Yeah. That's... OK. 443 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,160 I mean, that wasn't what... OK. 444 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,240 We'll come back to that. 445 00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:14,760 Now, anyway, back to the... 446 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,480 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT 447 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,480 ..poltergeist. - Where?! 448 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:18,680 - RUMBLING, ALISON GASPS 449 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,600 Wait. There it is now. 450 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,840 SHE SCREAMS 451 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,600 - Don't let it eat me! 452 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,280 - MURMURING 453 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,960 - Wow! 454 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,960 - MURMURING 455 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,240 - I hope you guys are seeing this. 456 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,960 This is the real deal. 457 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,360 - Come on. - It's moving again. 458 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:01,880 - Evening. 459 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,240 Just resting my finger against this mug. 460 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:06,720 - JULIAN STRAINS 461 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:20,960 MUG SMASHES, THEY GASP 462 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,280 - Whoa-ho-ho! Did you see that?! 463 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:24,320 - What the...?! 464 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,360 - Wow, er... - Oh, yeah. 465 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,440 - That's really shaken me up, actually, guys. Um... 466 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:29,960 I'm going to have to sit down. 467 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,400 - Not ideal. 468 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:35,640 - And are these kinetic episodes related to the full-body apparition? 469 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,640 The Grey Lady, Danni. 470 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,880 - Well, I mean, she can be a bit elusive, but, er, fingers crossed. 471 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,360 MARY WHIMPERS 472 00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,920 - This is another room said to be haunted by the Grey Lady. 473 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,600 - Oh, no, not again! 474 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:52,120 - Hi, I'm back. Sorry, I just had to take a minute to, er... 475 00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:55,800 Oh, what's that?! What was that?! What was that?! 476 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,360 Right, I can smell burning. 477 00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,520 Er... Oh, that is so weird. 478 00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,520 - MARY RETCHES 479 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,440 - Right, I'm freaking out, I'm freaking out. 480 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,600 I'm going to have to get out of here. I need some air. 481 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,520 - MIKE GROANS 482 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,520 - What was that? 483 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,240 - What's that made out of? 484 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:14,840 Sack? - Silk. Silk. And I have said, "Don't touch." 485 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,320 - What's holding your hair? 486 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,080 - Oh, Walter, put her down. She's old enough to be your mother. 487 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,760 It's embarrassing. - I beg your pardon! 488 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,120 - She looks like my mother. - I resent that. 489 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,480 - Except the teeth. My mum had nicer teeth. 490 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:29,920 - Can I come out yet? Please! 491 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,160 - Ahh! 492 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:37,280 There. Start my lap on the hour chime, and who needs a stopwatch? 493 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,640 Yeah, touch of night air on the old calves, 494 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,080 I should beat the pants off my two minutes, 30. 495 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:44,360 Isn't that right, boy? 496 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,680 Oh, what do you know? Right, here goes. 497 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:50,840 Ah, bracing! 498 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,360 - So, this Grey Lady... 499 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:55,240 - Yep, yeah, er, be patient. 500 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:56,280 Biscuit? 501 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,920 Ah, I'll just be a sec. 502 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,880 Any sign? - No, I can't find her anywhere. 503 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:05,080 - OK, so what are we going to do? 504 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:06,960 Cos I promised these people a Grey Lady ghost. 505 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,080 - Why did you do that? - Because we've got one. 506 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,360 - I think I've got an idea. I just need to buy some time. 507 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:15,560 - Uh-huh. - OK. 508 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,880 - No, the poltergeist was me. There aren't ghosts that haunt ghosts. 509 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,560 - There no ghost-ghost. - I know what I almost saw. 510 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,360 - JULIAN SCOFFS 511 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,800 Still want that phone? 512 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,520 - What? - I need another burst of that poltergeist act, 513 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,000 just while I sort something out. 514 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,440 So what do you say? Want to play a few holes? 515 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:33,880 HE MOANS IN PLEASURE 516 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,800 - Looks so good! There's some sweet greens. 517 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:39,720 OK, I'm in. 518 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:40,760 - Yes! - Oi! 519 00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:42,520 - Ah-ta-ta! - Great! 520 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,680 Now, you see that mug? 521 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,040 - Yeah. 522 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,800 - The second he puts it down, do your worst. - All right. 523 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:54,000 - The housemaid's leg was Gwendoline... 524 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:56,320 ..and the lusty dog... 525 00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:58,960 ..was I. 526 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,200 - Yet another poem from Thomas Thorne there. 527 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,440 And apologies for those still waiting for the pop quiz. 528 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:10,840 - Right, let's see what we've got. 529 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:12,440 - Join me next week when my guests 530 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,240 will be Sheena Easton and Dudley Moore! 531 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,880 - The kitchen, Danni. Check your map. 532 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,120 - Here we go. - Fame at last! 533 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:23,520 - SILENCE 534 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,120 - Nah. Nothing. 535 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:34,640 Thought as much. 536 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,280 There's no energy here. 537 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,360 With experience, you can feel it. 538 00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,320 You can't learn that sort of thing. 539 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:42,960 It's a gift, a calling, really. 540 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,960 Come on. 541 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,400 - You were great, mate. 542 00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,560 - You have a slightly grating register and a tendency to gabble. 543 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:53,720 Something to work on. 544 00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,320 - Right. On your marks, 545 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,120 get set, and... 546 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:05,160 - CLOCK CHIMES 547 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,120 - For King and country! 548 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:12,440 - Yes, yes, I'll be sure to visit again very soon. 549 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:15,240 Hideous creatures! Couldn't take another minute. 550 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,200 - SHE WHIMPERS 551 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,000 SHE SCREAMS 552 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:26,840 CAMERA CLICKS, SHE SCREAMS 553 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,840 - There's a real sense there could quite literally 554 00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:36,080 be a ghost around every corner. 555 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:37,720 I mean, if I just pan around, 556 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,040 you get some idea of the sheer size of this place... 557 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:43,560 - Oh, no! 558 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:45,960 Fanny's exposed! 559 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,040 - DRAMATIC MUSIC 560 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,200 SLOW-MOTION SHOUTING 561 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,040 SLOW-MOTION CHEERING 562 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,320 - ..but, sadly, no Grey Lady. 563 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:15,480 - THEY GROAN 564 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,840 - Two, 29. Shaved off a second! 565 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:21,080 - Well done, Cap. 566 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,600 - I knew it! It's the cold air, you see. I've still got it. 567 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,040 In my bally prime. 568 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:26,480 - Two minutes, 30, weren't it? 569 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,480 - MURMURS OF AGREEMENT 570 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,480 - Slower, if anything. 571 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,640 - The Grey Lady! 572 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,200 There's free-floa... In zone... 573 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:39,760 There's a ghost upstairs! 574 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,880 - Right, come on! - OK! 575 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,840 - CAMERAS CLICK 576 00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,880 - The ghost-ghost. 577 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,280 - ROBIN STRAINS 578 00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:13,840 MURMURING 579 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,720 Guys, there you are. 580 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,720 I think I just saw a ghost in there. 581 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:25,680 I really am... 582 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,280 I'm sorry again for... 583 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:29,680 Sorry. 584 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,120 - You'll be hearing from my lawyer when I get one. 585 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,200 - I really am sorry again. 586 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:39,600 - For exploiting people, just because they're open-minded enough to accept 587 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,480 the possibility that there might just be such a thing as ghosts? 588 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:47,960 Because, let me tell you, there are spirits all around us. 589 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,640 I just hope one day, you come to embrace them. 590 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:51,960 - At least! 591 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:56,800 - That must be galling. 592 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,560 - Oh, eh! Er, ghouling! 593 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,720 - HE LAUGHS 594 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,120 - No. - Come on! 595 00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:05,680 - It doesn't really work, mate. - No, come on! Come on! 596 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:07,360 - HE GRUNTS 597 00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:09,000 MIKE: - It's already up on the blogs. 598 00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,040 - Huh...huh... 599 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:12,280 ..hoax. 600 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,000 - Well, back to weddings, then. 601 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:15,440 - Ah! 602 00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:19,120 Off the lawn! Off the lawn! 603 00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:20,720 - Now she does it. 604 00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:22,400 MIMICS: - Orf the lawn! 605 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,080 Orf the lawn! 606 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:26,480 - LAUGHTER 607 00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:28,920 - Er, Alison, this has stopped working. 608 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,000 It's saying "credit warning", 609 00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:35,040 something about in-app purchases, spending limits, blah-blah-blah. 610 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:38,200 - 180 quid?! - Well, yeah. I had to buy some new clubs. 611 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:41,360 In golf, you have to keep up with the latest technology. 612 00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,000 - Oh, you didn't even do the mug. 613 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,480 - Oh, yeah. Sorry. 614 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:49,600 - CUP SMASHES 615 00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:50,960 - There. 616 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:54,160 Now, I give you my Nelson Mandela. 617 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,400 - Oh, no, no, Julian, no... 43757

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