Original subtitles

BORGES IMPORTS

What's up, Shirley? All good?

Hey!

Cool.

Well, here's the deal. We're working this holiday.

We have a ton of late orders.

But I can't work Tuesday because of my new religion, Shirley.

What's that about? You've always worked on Tuesdays.

That's why it's new!

So I can't. I have to rest in an air conditioned room,

with my legs resting on a white pillow.

It's all in the sacred book, Shirley.

I see. Is there a specific reason for that?

I can't explain it well, Shirley, because I was baptized recently.

As soon as I find out, I'll tell you,

but the shaman said I have to do it or it will be bad, Shirley.

So your religion has a shaman?

We have a shaman. He teaches us martial arts, painting...

Teaches... Whoa, what time is it, Shirley?

Whoa! Uca, uca, lê, lê!

NEW RELIGION

What is that?

It's a prayer for the Ice god Uca Uca.

We have to do that every half hour, got it?

This is gonna turn to crap.

Why?

Doesn't religion always turn everything into crap?

Wait, there's also the "love thy neighbor" part. Come on!

When "thy neighbor" works on Saturdays,

shaves their beard or hair or has sex with a condom,

you know how that love comes through? By kissing a rock with your teeth!

You didn't get the video. It doesn't mention any specific religion.

It could be any religion.

I feel much better now. We're not messing with a single religion, but with many!

It's a metaphor. A philosophical and anthropological study of religion.

A metaphor, Sonia? These people cut out clitoris!

It was either this video or the one of Erasmo cussing out his ex.

Not cussing out. It was a modern criticism of the heterocentric Christian society

for that slutty Carla who screwed my friend at the soccer barbecue.

Well, then let's avoid Erasmo's critiques here at the company.

I'll be making deliveries because we are still a bankrupt company

with an R$ 800,000 debt.

Hey, can I tag along to help?

Last time I stayed, I had to be Erasmo's girlfriend and that wasn't good.

I work better with you.

Pablo you better stay to help.

As amazing as it seems, crappy videos are more profitable

than being a crappy import company.

-You can help me pack boxes. -Yes!

-For delivery, okay? -Really? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

He keeps touching me, you know?

ONLINE VIDEO PRODUCTIONS

What should I do?

You can gather all the boxes for the same neighborhood,

and I'll do the checklist.

Is it heavy? I have a back problem.

-No. There's nothing heavy. -That's the problem.

I can't do light. If it was a bed or a mattress it'd be okay.

-What you're saying makes no sense. -I'm serious.

Last week I helped my uncle move his closet, bed, mattress,

microwave, nightstand, all that stuff.

I went up and down the stairs, all day long taking heavy stuff.

I was fine, no problem.

The next day I went to buy rice at the market, two pounds.

It fell on the floor. As I'm coming back from picking it up my back goes... pow!

It locked and I couldn't move. I was walking around the house like a chimp.

I hear you, Pablo. Hold this.

You do the checklist and I'll work on these boxes in here.

Hey, Pablo!

There's a black bag in here without any labels.

Do you know what this would--

Pablo! What is this?

It's one of Borges' hyper realistic dolls.

-Damn. -Freakin' frightened me!

How do you know it's Borges? And why does Borges have...

fuck... a hyper realistic doll?

Because she can't run, can't get away from him or ask for help.

Besides, that's just one of them.

A while ago, me and Erasmo took some of Borges' ex girlfriends

to a guy that works with movie special effects.

It's good money. Really good money.

Pablo, look at all the boxes labeled "Borges, don't touch."

Some of these things will bring us trouble especially now that he's a fugitive.

I know, but I can help you carry some of them, like the doll here.

It's probably heavy. This is probably heavy.

If it were a bag of corn or beans, I wouldn't carry it.

I'll take it.

I'll take it. I will. I got this.

It's no problem.

So this prophet was sent down to help humanity from the terrible Arzok.

Then he returns to Earth to save his apostles with karate and kung fu.

He parts the seas and crosses them to reach the dessert of Calahai

which is actually a planet from a distant galaxy run by an evil empire, right?

Please, Erasmo! It's fiction. It's a metaphor.

If you don't get the jokes--

Wonderful. So tell that to Shaman... What's your name again, honey?

Shaman Cleberson. He didn't get the joke and called because it's the same story

he tells his faithful from Thursday to Sunday, twice a day, right, Shaman?

Great. That's fine.

Looks like my social critique with a neopolitical jab

for slutty Carla wasn't so bad, was it?

-Oh, it's fucking heavy. -No, it's not. That's light.

-Help me out then! -I said it was light.

Got it? Remember that now "light" is my new heavy,

and heavy is my new light.

It if were really heavy, I'd help you.

I have no problem with that. You know I-- What's this?

A bunch of pictures of Borges' nieces.

There's more nephews than nieces here. Some very strong nephews.

From several ethnicities.

Let's get rid of Borges' things before the shit hits the fan.

More shit, actually.

Could you please get that bizarre doll and I'll take it back to them?

Of course.

-Damn it, always at the worst time! -Calm down.

Damn. Hi! Hello! Sorry.

Are you here?

I've been waiting for ten minutes, ma'am. This is nonsense.

I'll be right out. Now, sir...

I have a gun here I need to turn in.

Can you find a route with not cops on the app?

Ma'am, look, I just got another ride request.

No! Hello? It's a fake gun, sir.

I just don't have a license to carry a fake weapon. Got it?

We're good then because my driver's license is also fake.

Okay, I'm on my way.

This driver is getting on my nerves.

Polyester. It's polyester for sure.

Hello, shaman Cleberson. Are you almost here?

There better be parking, because if my car gets scratched,

you'll have to pay more than what will be on my lawsuit.

No, you can relax. We have plenty of parking space.

No need to worry because the lawsuit won't even be needed, right?

We had no intention of mocking

your prophet who saved humanity using karate and kung fu,

especially on a distant planet on another galaxy.

Yeah, but not according to your video.

I don't agree, and neither does our lawyer.

Of all the lawsuits we've won, yours is the most obvious.

There were others?

Star Wars, The Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and so on.

Shaman Cleberson, I am sure we will make you change your mind.

I've even asked my producer Rosana to meet you outside.

You'll see her in a couple of minutes, okay?

Where's Rosana?

Hey, buddy!

See me here with all this? Open the damn door!

-If the cops come, we're screwed! -No, it's all good!

We're settled!

Crap!

Come on! Don't die on me. Don't die on me, little car. Let's go!

Open the fuck up!

-Open the trunk! -I will! I'm opening it.

Don't panic, we're good. Don't die, car.

That's it! Don't die, or I will die.

Come on, car!

For the love of God, come on!

I don't need anything. It's all settled!

It's all good!

Please, God!

Hi.

Come on, buddy. Let's go!

Where to? I don't know...

I don't want to be rude, but if you don't want to get one star, you better move.

Of course, but my car broke down. Look, look.

It worked. Aren't we lucky?

Oh, man....

I'm so very sorry, I can't find Rosana. I'm so sorry.

-Yeah. Twenty minutes waiting... Come on! -Twenty minutes?

Really? Look, I apologize. I am Sônia, director here at Borges.

-We're going nuts in there. -I am too.

I am even getting a lot of calls that I'm canceling because of you.

I am sorry. We know you are a very busy man.

I wish none of this had happened.

That's what they all say. Let me tell you something.

This isn't just my profession.

When you do this, you're not just disrespecting me.

You're disrespecting an entire class.

Look I truly apologize.

We can go inside and discuss this further.

I want to know if you'll pay me for having come out here.

Of course. It's the least we can do.

-It's the least. -Have you had lunch?

No.

Won't you come inside? We have sandwiches, popcorn, lasagna--

Lasagna?

We have everything. I'll show you the company, too.

It won't take long. I'm sure you'll love it here.

We have food, anything you want.

Things here are a bit...

Things are worse and worse, huh?

-What? Why? -You have to ask?

Because I don't know. What should I do? Have I done something wrong?

No, I am in the wrong. I should've come in shooting.

No...

Hey.

Rosana, for the love of God, where are you?

Not God. For the love of the ice giant of planet Akron.

I'm going to solve our problem. Why?

Our problem just got bigger

because, unfortunately, our video,

due to an absurd coincidence, portrayed in a skewed manner

a beautiful interesting religion, and we may even be sued

by Shaman Cleberson.

I can't believe it. Fucking shaman!

Sônia, listen up. I'll handle it. Relax.

-Where's the bathroom? -Over there.

Rosana, we're treating him like a prince

until you get back. I'll even give him a back rub.

Pablo bought Coke, cake, cookies, peanuts

there's even chocolate truffles from yesterday.

He'll at least be diabetic when he leaves.

He'll wake up to his mouth full of ants.

BORGES IMPORTS

This is awesome. Look at this.

Do you have a big following?

It's been a lot slower this year.

Competition, you know. Someone new everyday promising a bunch of stuff.

-I bet. -Nowadays, there's a dime a dozen.

But some are more loyal. They always look for me.

There's a widow that I always take to Paradise.

That's awesome.

Awesome? You haven't been to Paradise, have you?

It's dangerous there.

But she pays me well.

-So, it's good money? -Yeah, I make do.

I was an engineer.

Due to the economic crisis, I was fired,

my life took a dark turn I went through some rough patches.

Got it.

But then I found a way out and things started to change.

Got it. Did you hear a calling?

All day long!

Excuse me. I made you some chocolate truffles, okay?

Come on, man! Thank you so much.

Thanks. God bless you.

-Amen. Amen. -What the...

-It's fine, brother. You're... -Okay.

-Damn! -Did you like it?

-Dear Lord! -He liked it. That's good.

Well, we wanted to apologize again for the entire mishap.

We didn't want any of this to happen.

We have a solution for this misunderstanding.

I'm listening.

So, since this all started because of a video,

and videos are what we do and what provides for it all,

we wanted to make a video to show people

all that peace stuff...

And for us to apologize.

You could also talk about your passion for you calling.

One more thing, Erasmo. This would just stay between us.

As you know, above the justice and man and lawyers,

is His justice.

Uca lê lê!

Ei uca lê lê!

Where are we? This isn't Paradise, is it?

No, sir. I'll need your help with something here.

-Do I have a choice? -Of course you do.

If you want, I can finish it off here and call someone else.

-No, no, no! No, please. -Your call.

-Let's go. -Let's go. Let's go.

We're going.

Come get it. Get it. Get it.

Damn it.

-Watch it. It's heavy. -Yeah.

-What is this? -It's trash now.

But lots of people pay big bucks to reuse this trash.

What do people most ask of you?

They complain about the path.

Wow, interesting. The path.

They mention a path, but sometimes it's dangerous and I suggest a new one.

They get weary, thinking I'm cheating them.

People mention free will,

-but no, people should be guided. -That's right.

I've been guiding for over 10 years.

The problem is that there's a bunch of people guiding others

who don't even know where the City of God is.

A bunch of scammers.

The app helps a lot.

-App? There's an app? -I use it a lot.

Not that I need it, because it's already in me.

But it really helps reach the final destination.

I've already had an idea for a script.

Wonderful! Uca lê lê!

-Let's put it on the table. -Okay.

One, two, three, and...

How are you? Nice to meet you. I'm Rosana.

Nice to meet you.

Erasmo and Pablo couldn't come?

-Unfortunately, no. -What do you have there?

Same as always. Another one of Borges' ex girlfriends.

Is this one at least in one piece?

Good one!

This... I... mmm...

My life is a disaster.

My wife left me.

My kids don't love me anymore.

And my coworkers don't want to see me either.

Oh, uca lê lê.

Take me to Paradise!

-Hello? Regis, take it easy. -Hi!.

I came to help you find the path to redemption.

To do so, we will talk to God through an app.

But won't that take long?

Not all all, Regis. Look. Your spiritual journey will take 23 minutes.

It's quick.

And you know the best part of your journey?

No, what is it?

-We have water and... -And?

-...candy! -Candy!

-Excuse me, guys. -Cut!

-What is it? -It's not quite like that.

We know. The video is a metaphor. It's not supposed to be exactly the same.

-It's even nicer like this. -Could you include peanut brittle?

It's my signature, you know.

-But-- -Could you?

-Okay, what now? -Relax, this is the last thing.

We're almost done.

-Is that good or bad? -Depends.

If you help me out I'll be very grateful.

I promise I'll help. What do I do?

-Great. Get the shovel in the trunk-- -Shovel? What do you mean?

The shovel we picked up at Fernando's house.

Get it and help me dig a hole.

Oh, my God!

Damn, you're so annoying with your crying.

You cry for anything. Didn't you say you'd help?.

-Yes. -You have to dig then.

-Let's dig. Let's dig! -Let's dig, let's go.

What a pain!

-Sônia. -Hi, hi.

I have a box full of Borges' documents to get rid of.

What? Why would you get rid of that?

Because it's labeled "get rid of the files in this box in case of emergency."

This must be it.

Yes, probably.

-How's it going with the shaman? -It's weirder than before.

And before we had Jesus doing karate in another galaxy..

But we're now doing it his way, and it will be fine.

Okay. As soon as I'm done here I'll be on my way.

Keep him there a bit longer, and I'll go have a word with him.

What will you do with the file?

I thought I'd leave it out for some animal to eat.

Then I thought about burying it.

But I think I will burn it. There's less risk of someone finding it.

Hey, Sônia.

I'm going to hang up because this guy is peeing his pants right in front of me.

Okay.

What do you want from me?

Look, I promise I won't do a thing.

I'll disappear. I promise! I--

What do you want me to say?

Fine, fine. I admit it.

It's all a lie!

There is no evidence that two million years ago an ice giant

sent his son, the prophet, to a distant galaxy to save

an entire civilization using kung fu and karate. There!

I said it. Is that what you wanted?

What did you say, son?

I don't know what else you want from me.

You want me to say I am a charlatan?,

That I gave up my dream of being a classic dancer for lack of skills?

Shoot. Shoot!

Shoot!

Shoot what?

Shoot what? It was a fake gun. I don't have it anymore, it was Fernando's.

What is happening here?

That's what I'm asking. What's happening here?

The guy is driving, Erasmo signaled him, and he didn't stop.

The angel signaled, and he didn't stop.

The shaman gets his phone and app, and...

Stop, stop, stop.

-Did you text? -Yes.

I improvised.

Yeah, but it makes no sense. What does a taxi have to do with it?

Do you read the paper?

You saw what these guys are doing to our cars?

Let me ask. Aren't you making this video to apologize to me?

-Yeah. -Then let me do it my way!

May I? Hey, Pablo.

Let's get the piano tone right. I want something playful.

And why is one wing bigger than the other on the angel?

It's affecting my creativity.

-It's... -Bah, beh...

I've never been so humiliated in my life!

I understand, shaman Cleberson. If we use common sense--

I believe in an ice god from another galaxy who will return

and will make the dead, even those cremated,

come back to life. You want to talk common sense?

-I know. Us here at Borges will fix-- -There's no fixing this!

I won't just call my lawyer. I'll call the cops to shut down--

Let's work it out and--

My dear ice giant...

Cry. I'm used to it. Cry.

That's exactly how it is!

Wonderful!

Wonderful!

You, you, and you! God Agiró!

ONLINE VIDEO PRODUCTIONS

What are these idiots doing?

What are you doing there, buddy?

I'm seeing what these idiots here are doing.

If they're not wasting their phone battery in the jungle, they're not that stupid.

What's the point of having GPS, if this crap shows us in the middle of the ocean?

I'm not just on the phone. I want to know where we are.

Someone should be able to track us.

Yes, the cops, but if they find out they'll come looking for us.

Ah, got it.