Original subtitles

* OH, YEAH

* MANY A TEAR HAS TO FALL *

* IT'S ALL A GAME

* LIFE IS A WONDERFUL GAME

* WE PLAY AND PLAY

* WORDS

* YOU HAVE WORDS WITH HIM *

* HAPPY AND SAD

* AND SWEETEST

* WORDS

* OH

* OH, YEAH

* ONCE IN A WHILE HE WON'T CALL *

* IT'S ALL A GAME

* SOON HE'LL BE THERE AT YOUR SIDE *

* WITH A SWEET BOUQUET

* KISS ME

* KISS MY LIPS

* CARESS ME

* WITH YOUR FINGERTIPS

* AND SWEETEST

* WORD

[CHURCH BELLS RINGING]

I LOVED HER MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

I FELL LIKE A STONE

THE FIRST TIME I SAW HER.

SHE FELL JUST AS HARD.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE WAS, SHE KNEW WHY.

KRISTY WAS MY MATE FOR LIFE.

KRISTEN BAINBRIDGE... THAT WAS HER NAME.

NOW SHE HAS MY NAME-- BRIGGS.

WE'RE MR. AND MRS. JEFFERSON BRIGGS,

BUT EVERYBODY CALLS ME JAKE--

EXCEPT MY GRANDMOTHER.

SHE CALLS ME BOOPER.

HE'S TOO YOUNG,

AND HE'S TOO IMMATURE.

SHE'S A GOLD DIGGER.

THERE'S LITTLE OR NO GOLD TO BE DUG.

HE'S PLENTY OLD.

AND PEOPLE DON'T MATURE ANYMORE.

THEY STAY JACKASSES ALL THEIR LIVES.

THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN A STRONG STREAK OF RATIONALITY

AMONG THE MALES IN THE FAMILY.

IT'S THE WOMEN WHO KEEP THINGS ELECTRIFIED.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,

CAN YOU PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE?

GIVE ME SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT.

RUSS AND GAYLE BAINBRIDGE, MY IN-LAWS--

PEOPLE THAT ONE DAY I WOULD CALL MOM AND DAD.

I'LL LAY YOU TWO BITS THAT LITTLE PEA-BRAIN IS GOING TO BE LATE.

DON'T BE SILLY.

YOU WOULDN'T LET ME THROW HIM OUT WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE.

NOW THE LITTLE S.O.B.'S GOING TO BE A GODDAMN RELATIVE.

THIS IS WHAT KRISTY WANTS.

PLEASE DON'T SPOIL IT FOR HER.

WHY?

SHE'S IN LOVE.

YOU CAN'T EXPECT TO BE FOREMOST IN HER MIND.

IT'S TIME WE LET GO OF HER.

TRY TO FIND THE BEAUTY

IN THE WAY SHE FEELS ABOUT JAKE.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

ALL RIGHT.

WHERE IN THE SWEET NAME OF CHRIST

IS THAT LITTLE ASSHOLE?

THAT'S ME, THE GROOM, ABOUT TO CHARGE HEADLONG

INTO THE JAWS OF RESPONSIBILITY.

WHAT AM I DOING?

THAT'S DAVIS McDONALD, MY BEST FRIEND.

HE WAS MY UNSANCTIONED WIFE.

WE GOT DIVORCED

WHEN I MARRIED KRISTY.

HE LIKED HER. HE MAY HAVE EVEN LOVED HER.

ARE YOU SCARED?

HERE I AM.

I'M ON THE VERGE

OF BINDING MY LIFE TO KRISTY'S...

AND I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALONE.

WE CAN SPLIT.

BUT YOU'D BE BACK TOMORROW.

YOU WERE MARRIED THE MINUTE YOU MET HER.

16 YEARS OLD, AND YOU WERE GONE.

* IT'S MORE THAN A FEELING

* MORE THAN A FEELING

THIS IS YOUR DESTINY--

TO BE FOREVER CAUGHT IN THE CROSS FIRE

BETWEEN YOUR HEAD AND YOUR HEART.

DO YOU...

DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO BE HAPPY?

I MEAN, HONESTLY.

YOU WANT TO BE A WRITER...

YOU WANT TO BE A HUSBAND.

MAYBE IT WILL WORK OUT. WHO KNOWS?

YEAH, YOU'LL BE HAPPY.

YOU JUST WON'T KNOW IT, THAT'S ALL.

NEVER BEFORE AND NEVER AGAIN

DID HE NAIL A MOMENT

MORE FIRMLY THAN THAT AFTERNOON.

HE'S NOT ALL THAT WISE.

HE JUST KNEW HIS SUBJECT MATTER VERY, VERY WELL.

LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO SAY THIS AGAIN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS. YOU CAN WALK.

YOU SAY THE WORD, AND WE ARE OUT OF HERE.

MARRIAGE WILL WAIT.

TIME WON'T.

JAKE!

SHIT.

LET US ALL JOIN IN THE LORD'S PRAYER.

OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN,

HALLOWED BE THY NAME.

THY KINGDOM COME, THY WILL BE DONE,

ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.

GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD

AND FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES...

AMEN.

AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US.

AND LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION,

BUT DELIVER US FROM EVIL,

FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM

AND THE POWER AND THE GLORY

FOREVER AND EVER. AMEN.

AMEN.

FOR AS MUCH AS THESE TWO PERSONS

HAVE COME HITHER TO BE MADE ONE

IN THIS HOLY ESTATE,

IF THERE BE ANYONE HERE PRESENT

WHO KNOWS ANY JUST CAUSE

WHY THEY MAY NOT LAWFULLY BE MARRIED,

I REQUIRE HIM TO MAKE IT KNOWN

OR EVER AFTER HOLD HIS PEACE.

KRISTEN,

WILT THOU HAVE THIS MAN TO BE THY HUSBAND,

AND WILT THOU PLEDGE THY TROTH TO HIM

IN ALL LOVE AND HONOR,

IN ALL DUTY AND SERVICE,

IN ALL FAITH AND TENDERNESS,

TO LIVE WITH HIM

AND CHERISH HIM

ACCORDING TO THE ORDINANCE OF GOD

IN THE HOLY BOND OF MARRIAGE?

I WILL.

WILT THOU, JEFFERSON,

HAVE THIS WOMAN TO BE THY WEDDED WIFE?

WILT THOU COMFORT AND KEEP HER

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?

WILT THOU PROVIDE HER WITH CREDIT CARDS

AND A 4-BEDROOM, 2 1/2-BATH HOME

WITH CENTRAL AIR AND PROFESSIONAL DECORATING?

A MERCEDES-BENZ,

TWO WEEKS IN THE BAHAMAS EVERY SPRING?

WILT THOU TRY TO REMEMBER THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MEAN SO MUCH,

LIKE FLOWERS ON HER ANNIVERSARY,

A KIND WORD WHEN SHE'S HAD A ROUGH DAY,

AND AN OCCASIONAL "GEE, HONEY,

YOU LOOK PRETTY TODAY"?

WILT THOU BE UNDERSTANDING WHEN SHE IS TIRED, HEADACHY,

OR UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING,

WHEN SHE FEELS UGLY,

OR WHEN SHE HAS A BIG PIMPLE ON HER CHIN?

WILT THOU NOT BE SUCH A PIG WHEN YOU SHAVE AND SHOWER?

WILT THOU LISTEN PATIENTLY TO LONG STORIES

ABOUT KIDS' COLDS, KITCHEN TILES, CLOTHES,

SHOES, MAKEUP, HAIR, SORE FEET,

AND DECORATOR CHECKBOOK COVERS?

I WILL.

FOR AS MUCH AS KRISTEN AND JEFFERSON

HAVE CONSENTED TOGETHER IN HOLY WEDLOCK

AND HAVE WITNESSED THE SAME BEFORE GOD AND THIS COMPANY

BY THE JOINING OF HANDS AND THE GIVING AND EXCHANGING OF RINGS,

I PRONOUNCE THAT THEY ARE HUSBAND AND WIFE.

WHOM THEREFORE GOD HATH JOINED TOGETHER,

LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER.

YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.

BUT...

DON'T MESS UP HER HAIR OR HER FACE

BECAUSE SHE STILL HAS TO HAVE HER PICTURE TAKEN.

GO FOR IT.

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

I'D GRADUATED COLLEGE IN THE SPRING.

AND FOR REASONS STILL NOT CLEAR TO EITHER OF US,

WE DECIDED THAT I SHOULD RETURN TO PURSUE MY MASTER'S DEGREE.

KRISTY HAD EARNED HER DEGREE

AND INSISTED ON WAITING FOR ME TO GET MINE

BEFORE BEGINNING HER CAREER.

THERE WASN'T TIME FOR A TRIP TO THE BAHAMAS

OR EVEN A WEEKEND AT NIAGARA FALLS.

WE SPENT OUR HONEYMOON ON AN INTERSTATE HIGHWAY BOUND FOR NEW MEXICO.

KRISTY.

BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND FORTH.

BABE, I GOT IT.

BABE, YOU'RE WRINKLING UP

ALL OF THE CENTRAL STATES.

I'M NOT.

THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BOW TIE.

OUR FIRST ADDRESS.

NOT PRETTY, BUT CHEAP.

AND HAPPY...

SORT OF.

YOU DON'T LIKE FISH?

I LOVE FISH.

IF YOU LOVED IT, YOU'D EAT IT. I ONLY MADE IT BECAUSE IT'S HEALTHIER.

NO. I HONESTLY LOVE IT.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE OVERWHELMING TO HAVE, UH...

SWORDFISH AND...

TROUT.

AND...

GROUPER. IT'S GROUPER.

IT'S GROUPER.

THE FRIES ARE GOOD.

THAT'S BREADED SMELT.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU LIKED, AND I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE GUESSING.

I'M TRYING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY, AND YOU MOCK ME. THANKS.

AW, KRISTY, COME ON.

JAKE...

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING WITH MYSELF.

I HAVE TO GET A JOB OR TAKE CLASSES OR SOMETHING.

NO. YOU'RE GOING TO WEIGH 400 POUNDS.

I'M NOT MAD. I DON'T LIKE FISH, EITHER.

YOU DON'T NEED TO GET A JOB.

YOU DON'T NEED TO TAKE CLASSES.

I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

JAKE, DON'T START THAT ON ME.

COLLEGE--IT'S LIKE HIGH SCHOOL WITH ASHTRAYS.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING.

SWEETIE, YOU'RE BEING WEAK. YOU HAVE TWO MORE YEARS.

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING RIGHT NOW.

JUST FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED.

BUT I DIDN'T LEARN ANYTHING AS AN UNDERGRADUATE.

I'M LEARNING LESS IN GRADUATE SCHOOL.

DAVIS QUIT SCHOOL. HE'S STARTING HIS OWN BUSINESS.

YEAH, WITH HIS DAD'S MONEY. I DON'T THINK YOU'D DO THAT.

AT LEAST HIS LIFE HAS BEGUN,

AND MY LIFE IS ON INDEFINITE HOLD.

YOU REALLY WANT TO LEAVE?

I CAN'T THINK OF ANY REASON TO STAY.

JEFFERSON, CAN YOU TELL GRANDPA

WHY BUMBLE BUNNY WAS SUCH A HAPPY LITTLE RABBIT?

BECAUSE HE WENT TO COLLEGE.

BOY, ARE YOU A SMART LITTLE FELLA.

AND WHAT DID HE GET IN COLLEGE?

A MASTER'S DEGREE.

A MASTER'S DEGREE.

AND WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO HIM

IF HE HADN'T GONE TO COLLEGE

AND GOTTEN THAT MASTER'S DEGREE?

PROBABLY END UP WORKING ON A LOADING DOCK,

AND HATING EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

YOU'RE GOING TO COLLEGE

AND GET A MASTER'S DEGREE, AREN'T YOU?

YES, SIR!

THEN YOU'LL NEVER END UP WORKING ON A LOADING DOCK.

NO, SIR!

COLLEGE BOY.

HEY, MORTY, HOW ABOUT THOSE CUBS?

SHUT UP.

SAY, MORTY,

DID YOU CATCH THAT P.B.S. SPECIAL LAST NIGHT,

ANIMALS OF-- SHUT UP.

SHUT UP!

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

I THINK A MAN CAN JUDGE HIS SUCCESS OR FAILURE

BY THE AMOUNT OF OVERTIME HIS WIFE WORKS.

DON'T YOU AGREE, JAKE?

THAT'S PART OF THE JOB, DAD. I DON'T WORK LATE BECAUSE WE NEED THE MONEY.

WE DON'T. WE'RE FINE.

THAT'S TRUE, RUSS.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW BUT WHAT THEY TELL YOU?

DID WE REALLY RAISE HER TO ANSWER TELEPHONES

AND LIVE IN SOME SHOE BOX?

WE DIDN'T COME HERE TO GET INSULTED, DAD.

AW, IS HE ABOVE CRITICISM?

JAKE, KRISTY TELLS ME YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE

CALLING RUSSELL AND I MOM AND DAD.

I THINK THAT'S FOOLISH. WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL US BY OUR--

GAYLE, WILL YOU PLEASE--

NAMES.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO PISS YOUR LIFE AWAY

WRITING SOME GODDAMN BOOK

THAT NOBODY IS EVER GOING TO A CRAP ABOUT,

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO INVOLVE MY DAUGHTER?

LET'S SAY SHE GETS PREGNANT. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

THREE CAN'T LIVE ON WHAT YOU MAKE.

TWO CAN'T LIVE ON WHAT YOU MAKE.

KRISTY, IS THE BABY WARM ENOUGH?

[BABY CRYING]

WE'RE FINE.

SWEETIE, DON'T BURN YOUR BOOK.

MAYBE WE CAN GET SOME WOOD.

WOOD'S EXPENSIVE.

WORDS ARE CHEAP.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?

NOTHING.

MY MOM AND I JUST GOT MY DAD TO ADMIT HE WAS BEING RUDE.

DO YOU WANT TO COME IN? HE WENT TO BED.

HE WASN'T ENTIRELY WRONG, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, IF YOU WEREN'T WORKING, WE'D BE BROKE.

SO, I AM WORKING, AND WE'RE NOT.

BUT YOU'RE MARRIED TO A CHILD.

I GOT A JOB,

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I DO.

SO, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?

THE QUESTION IS, WHAT CAN I DO?

SWEETHEART, YOU HAVE A B.A.

IN ROMANCE LANGUAGES.

WHAT WAS YOUR MINOR?

ELIZABETHAN POETRY.

WELL, WHAT SKILLS DO YOU HAVE?

OH, WELL. OK. LET'S SEE.

JEFFERSON BRIGGS.

CALL YOU JEFF?

IT'S JAKE.

OR JEFF.

SAYS HERE YOU WORKED FOR A JAPANESE ADVERTISING AGENCY.

NETSU.

NETSU?

NETSU.

WELL, NETSU IS ONE OF OUR FOREIGN SUBSIDIARIES.

HEY, WE OWN THAT.

THERE'S THOUSANDS OF ADVERTISING AGENCIES ALL OVER THE WORLD.

YOU HAPPEN TO CHOSE ONE WE OWN.

THAT WAS A BAD CALL.

YOU'RE FULL OF CRAP, AREN'T YOU?

YEAH.

AFTER THIS NETSU THING, I GOT A LITTLE CURIOUS,

SO I CHECKED OUT THE REST OF YOUR RESUME.

AND, UH, ASIDE FROM YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER...

THERE ISN'T ONE PIECE OF INFORMATION IN THERE

THAT IS TRUE.

YOU HAVE SET NEW STANDARDS

FOR LYING IN THE JOB MARKET.

THERE'S NO QUESTION YOU CAN WRITE,

AND TO COME IN HERE WITH A WHOPPER LIKE THIS...

I MEAN...

YOU MUST WANT TO WORK PRETTY BAD.

I NEED THE WORK.

YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF?

I THINK I CAN MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SLAVE WAGES?

SLAVE WAGES ARE FINE.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ALCOHOLICS?

I LIKE ALCOHOLICS?

I GOT THE JOB.

WE CELEBRATED WITH CHINESE FOOD,

AND KRISTY BOUGHT ME TWO SUITS, SIX TIES, AND A COMMUTER RAIL PASS.

I WAS BEING PAID TO WRITE.

NOT NOVELS. ADS.

PEOPLE WERE TAKING NOTICE OF MY ABILITY.

THERE WAS SOMETHING FRESH AND EXCITING

IN THE WAY I WROTE ABOUT DISPOSABLE DIAPERS.

I WAS MEETING MY SHARE OF THE OBLIGATIONS

TO THE LIFE KRISTY AND I WERE MAKING.

THERE WAS FINALLY A FUTURE IN MY FUTURE.

SO, WHY DID I FEEL

LIKE THE WORLD WAS CLOSING IN ON ME?

NOW THAT I HAD A REAL JOB AND KRISTY WAS MOVING UP IN HER COMPANY,

WE WERE ABLE TO BUY A THREE-BEDROOM MORTGAGE

WITH TWO BATHS AND A MONTHLY PAYMENT.

MY MOTHER OFFERED TO BUY US A COUCH.

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY YOU TURNED HER DOWN.

TWO REASONS.

FIRST, SHE WANTED TO PICK IT OUT

AND, THEREFORE, MAKE SURE I DECORATE THE HOUSE TO HER TASTE.

SECOND, IF YOUR MOTHER BOUGHT US A COUCH,

SHE'D WANT TO COME OVER ALL THE TIME AND ADMIRE IT.

WOULD THAT BE SO TERRIBLE?

LET'S NOT FIGHT.

WHO'S FIGHTING?

YOU'RE GETTING READY.

NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE THE NASTY REMARK.

IT WASN'T NASTY. IT WAS TRUE.

WHAT DID YOUR MOTHER SAY THE FIRST TIME SHE CAME OVER HERE?

SHE SAID THAT THEY LIKED THE PLACE.

TO YOU. WHAT DID SHE SAY TO ME? I DON'T REMEMBER.

SHE SAID, AND I QUOTE, "IT'S AMAZING HOW LITTLE

YOUR HOUSING DOLLAR BUYS TODAY."

KRISTY, SHE WAS MERELY STATING A SIMPLE ECONOMIC FACT.

EVERY TIME FAMILY COMES UP, WE FIGHT,

SO, WHY DON'T WE DROP IT?

I CAN HANDLE IT. YOU CAN'T. THAT'S WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU.

Kristy: THIS IS OUR HOUSE. WE'LL HAVE OUR OWN FAMILY, OUR OWN LIFE.

YOUR FAMILY AND MY FAMILY DON'T MATTER.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE MY FAMILY OVER ONCE.

THEY WERE OVER ONCE.

THEY'LL BE OVER AGAIN.

NOTHING THAT YOU CAN SAY OR DO IS GONNA CHANGE THE FACT

THAT THEY ARE MY FLESH AND BLOOD.

IF THEY'RE YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD, WHAT AM I?

YOU'RE MY WIFE.

YOU'RE NOT MY FLESH AND BLOOD.

WHY DON'T YOU GO MOVE IN WITH THEM, THEN?

YOU SHARE FLESH AND BLOOD WITH THEM.

WITH ME, IT'S JUST GOLD BANDS AND BATH TOWELS.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

THEY'RE YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD. I'M NOT.

I'M JUST THE ASSHOLE WHO MARRIED YOU.

YOU MEAN THAT?

NO.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

VERY.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

[DOOR CLOSES]

YOU DIDN'T PUT THE END TABLE ON THE END OF ANYTHING.

THE JOB, THE HOUSE, THE FURNITURE, THE FIGHTS--

THOSE WERE SYMPTOMS.

THE DISEASE WAS GROWING UP.

AND IT WAS HAPPENING FASTER THAN I EVER IMAGINED POSSIBLE.

IN THE BACK OF MY MIND,

I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE THE MYTHICAL IMMORTAL ONE,

THE TRUE PETER PAN.

I WAS SORELY MISTAKEN.

WE CAN'T AFFORD THIS.

GOOD-BYE.

* IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY

* ALL THE LOVE THAT YOU LONG FOR ELUDES YOU *

* AND PEOPLE ARE RUDE

I'LL MISS YOU. * AND CRUEL TO YOU

* I'LL TELL YOU WHY

* I'LL TELL YOU WHY

* I'LL TELL YOU WHY

* OH, OH

* YOU JUST HAVEN'T EARNED IT YET, BABY *

* YOU JUST HAVEN'T EARNED IT, SON *

* YOU JUST HAVEN'T EARNED IT YET, BABY *

* AND I'M TELLING YOU NOW

[NEW SONG BEGINS]

* HOW SWEET IT IS TO BE LOVED BY YOU *

* YES, BABY

* HMM MM-MMM

* HOW SWEET IT IS TO BE LOVED BY YOU *

HE'S GOING TO BURN THEM.

HEY, CYNTHIA, HE'S GONNA BURN THEM.

GREGORY, PUT THAT DOWN.

YOU KNOW WHAT TWO THINGS

I LIKE ABOUT YOU MOST, BRIGGSIE?

CAN'T IMAGINE.

YOUR WIFE AND YOUR LAWN MOWER.

I'VE SEEN YOUR WIFE.

WHAT KIND OF MOWER YOU GOT, BRIGGSIE?

UH, IT'S, THAT, YOU KNOW,

THE KIND YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUSH,

BUT, UH, BUT YOU DO IT STANDING UP.

A POWER MOWER.

WHAT BRAND?

I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU.

IT WAS A GIFT, AND I NEVER LOOKED.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF MOWER YOU GOT?

WHEN YOU GOT IT, DIDN'T YOU HAVE ANY SPECS THAT CAME WITH IT?

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT KIND OF MOWER YOU GOT?

YOU GOT A BIG YARD KING 410.

A YARD KING 410. REMEMBER THAT.

410 IS FOR SHIT.

I LIKE THE OLD 380.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.

THE GRASS CATCHER ON THE 410 IS 1/3 MORE CAPACITY THAN THE 380.

THAT ALONE MAKES IT A BETTER UNIT.

DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH CUBIC FEET YOU CAN GET OF--

I DON'T CARE-- HORSESHIT IN THAT GODDAMN THING.

THE 410'S GOING TO FALL APART.

IT'S GOT A PLASTIC FLYWHEEL.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A MAJOR LAWSUIT ON YOUR HANDS.

YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT.

THE GOVERNMENT WILL NOT BUY 410

BECAUSE OF THE DANGER INVOLVED WITH THE PLASTIC FLYWHEEL.

PUT THAT DOWN!

WHERE DO YOU WORK?

I'M A RESEARCH ANALYST AT COMTEX.

I WIN.

LYNN BET ME A BOX OF POP-TARTS THAT YOU WERE A LAWYER.

SEE, EVERY CAREER WOMAN

WHO'S MOVED INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD

ALWAYS OFFERS TO BRING SOMETHING THAT NOBODY'S EVER HEARD OF.

WHAT WAS THAT THING THAT SHEILA WALKER-REYNOLDS MADE LAST YEAR?

DO YOU REMEMBER? IT WAS RED.

GOAT CHEESE RAVIOLI.

NO, THAT WASN'T IT.

I BEG YOUR PARDON. IT CERTAINLY WAS.

HANK ASKED HER WHAT IT WAS, SHE TOLD HIM,

AND THEN HE SPIT IT OUT IN THE GUTTER.

THEN THE THACKERY'S DOG GOT AHOLD OF IT AND ATE IT--

LET ME TELL YOU ANOTHER THING.

GIVE YOU A PIECE OF PHILOSOPHY-- WIVES ARE LIKE LAWN MOWERS.

FANCY ONES WEAR OUT REAL FAST.

GOOD, SOLID ONES LAST A LIFETIME.

THIS FROM A MAN WHO GOES THROUGH TWO GARDEN HOSES A SEASON.

DON'T START. MY POINT IS STILL VALID, PINHEAD.

I'M NOT MARRIED TO MY GARDEN HOSE.

IT'S A GOOD THING, 'CAUSE YOU'D BE ON YOUR 18th WIFE.

THERE'S SOME HUMOR FOR YOU. THERE'S HUMOR.

THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE HUMOR.

HE BUYS THAT CHEAP VINYL CRAP THAT YOU CAN'T ROLL UP.

AND THE SUN BEATS DOWN ON IT AND HEATS THE WATER ALL UP.

AND THEN WHEN HE GOES TO WASH HIS DOG,

HE SCALDS THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! HANK'S WASHING HIS DOG AGAIN!

IT HAPPENED ONCE. TWICE.

FELLAS, I GOTTA-- YOU CAN'T COUNT.

I GOT A THING I GOTTA CHECK ON.

SOMETHING I SAID?

HEY, BRIGGSIE? BRIGGSIE.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

WHAT DO YOU DO UP IN THAT ROOM LATE AT NIGHT?

I'VE SEEN YOU UP THERE. AND YOUR HANDS ARE DOING WEIRD THINGS.

WRITING A BOOK.

A BOOK?

IT WAS SCOOTER ALBERT THAT ATE THE BALLOON.

YOU REMEMBER-- THE LITTLE CROSS-EYED BOY

WITH THE IMPETIGO.

SCOOTER ALBERT WAS THE ONE WHO DREW THE BOOBIES

ON HEATHER'S CABBAGE PATCH DOLL?

NO. HE'S--

CAN YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND?

OH, YEAH.

LISTEN,

IF YOUR WIFE WAS IN AS GOOD CONDITION AS HIS DOES,

WOULD YOU BE SITTING UP ALL NIGHT WRITING A BOOK?

LOOK AT THOSE GUYS.

WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

THREE GUESSES.

WHAT IS THIS?

KEN!

KEN! I'M TALKING TO YOU.

YO!

WOULD YOU BRING THE PICNIC TABLE AROUND TO THE FRONT?

YOU'RE UP.

HANK, HELP HIM!

HE CAN DO IT HIMSELF.

YOU HAVEN'T DONE A THING

TO GET READY FOR THIS!

I DID. I WASHED THE DOG. DIDN'T I WASH THE DOG?

Lynn: YOU BURNED THE DOG!

* HOW SWEET IT IS TO BE LOVED BY YOU *

* TELL THE TRUTH, BABY

* HOW SWEET IT IS TO BE LOVED BY YOU *

* WELL, IT'S LIKE SUGAR... *

YOU GUYS HAVE REALLY GOT TO COME TO NEW YORK SOMETIME.

I KNOW. AND WE TALK ABOUT-- TRY AND TO CONVINCE KRISTY...

I REALLY WANT TO.

I MEAN, IT MAKES CHICAGO LOOK LIKE...

CHICAGO.

DO YOU WORK, ERIN?

SHE MODELS.

OH. OH, REALLY.

I JUST DID A VIDEO.

ARE YOU IN A BAND? OR--

NO, I'M NOT IN A BAND.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO EXACTLY?

GIVE ME YOUR GLASS.

SURE. IT'S DIET. IS THAT OK?

FIGURES.

AHH.

OOH!

THAT'S GREAT.

THAT'S--THAT'S TERRIFIC.

THAT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

IT'S JUST RUNNING IN CLUBS RIGHT NOW

'CAUSE M.T.V. REJECTED IT BECAUSE OF THE NUDITY.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

OH! IT'S RIDICULOUS. THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

BIG DEAL. I'M WEARING A FUCKING G-STRING.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? I DIDN'T EVEN BEND OVER.

Jake: THAT'S NOT THAT CONTROVERSIAL

IF YOU HAVEN'T BENT OVER.

REALLY. THAT'S THAT'S NOT, UH...

HOW LONG YOU TWO BEEN MARRIED?

YOU ARE MARRIED, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH. ABSOLUTELY.

GOT THE BAND OF GOLD.

IT'S, UH...

TWO YEARS, BABE.

TWO YEARS.

HOW LONG ARE YOU STAYING IN TOWN?

A FEW DAYS.

ERIN'S MOTHER DIED LAST NIGHT,

SO, WE'RE GONNA DO THE WHOLE FUNERAL...

BULLSHIT.

THAT WHOLE SCENE.

YEAH, DAVIS MADE ME COME.

I THINK HE JUST MISSES CHICAGO,

IF THAT'S POSSIBLE.

I'M A NEW YORKER.

I HATE EVERYPLACE ELSE.

I KNOW. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

AND L.A.-- I CAN TAKE L.A.

I WON'T PUKE IF I'M IN L.A.

OH, YEAH. L.A. IS NICE.

WE'VE NEVER BEEN TO L.A.

'COURSE, WE'VE NEVER BEEN TO L.A., BUT I HEAR IT'S NICE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

I'M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, ERIN.

YOU AND NEIMAN MARCUS.

ARE YOU STAYING WITH FAMILY?

WE'RE DOWNTOWN AT THE RITZ-CARLTON.

TRAGIC ERROR COMING UP.

READY?

1...

2...

3...

A HOTEL? DON'T BE SILLY.

WHY DON'T YOU STAY HERE?

WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHAT?"

OH, COME ON. AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE MY BEST FRIEND STAY IN A HOTEL?

BEST FRIEND, MY ASS. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN TWO YEARS,

AND IN THAT TIME, HE HAS TURNED INTO A COMPLETE JERK.

EXCUSE ME? YOU HEARD ME.

AND HIS GIRLFRIEND IS NAUSEATING.

NAUSEATING?

HER MOTHER DIED LAST NIGHT!

BUT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO COME!

SHE MODELS NUDE IN VIDEOS!

SHE WASN'T NUDE, THOUGH! SHE WAS WEARING ONE OF THOSE G-THINGS.

IT PROBABLY WASN'T A VIDEO.

MAYBE HER MOTHER WASN'T A VERY NICE PERSON.

I DON'T CARE IF SHE WAS OR IF SHE WASN'T!

THAT BITCH HAS NO FEELINGS!

AND IT MAKES ME SICK SHE'S SLEEPING IN OUR HOUSE!

I'LL HAVE TO BURN THE SHEETS!

WHAT IF IT WAS ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS, HUH?

WHAT IF THE SHOE WAS ON THE OTHER FOOT?

I'D GO BAREFOOT!

OH...DON'T GIVE ME THAT RIGHTEOUS POSE.

MOVE! MOVE! WHAT?

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? TELL ME. TELL ME. TELL ME!

YOU WANT ME TO THROW THEM OUT IN THE SNOW?

YES. YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?

YES. WELL, FORGET IT!

YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING IN THIS BED!

OH, REALLY?

ANYWHERE BUT IN THIS ROOM OR IN THIS BED!

ISN'T IT GONNA BE A LITTLE BIT EMBARRASSING

TO HAVE DAVIS KNOW THAT WE'RE FIGHTING?

NOT TO ME.

OK, FINE! FORGET IT!

FORGET IT!

BUT IF HE ASKS...

I'M TELLING HIM EVERYTHING.

DON'T FORGET TO TELL HIM

HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIS GIRLFRIEND!

SHE'S GOT SOME LUNGS WHEN SHE WANTS THEM.

JERK.

I NEVER THOUGHT THIS IS WHERE YOU'D END UP.

I LIKE IT HERE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, PAL.

YOU WANT TO BE A WRITER, YOU MOVE TO NEW YORK.

YOU LIVE HERE, THERE'S NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT.

NOTHING HAPPENS. I'M JUST BEING HONEST WITH YOU, JAKE.

I SEE YOU DEAD IN THE WATER FACE DOWN.

YOU ARE ROTTING. WHAT IS THIS?

GIVE ME THAT.

IT'S MY PORCELAIN UDDER BUDDY.

IT'S A DAIRY DISPENSER.

DELIGHTFUL.

YOU'VE ONLY BEEN HERE FOR FOUR HOURS.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME?

LOOK AT THE WAY THAT YOU LIVE.

IT'S BORING. IT'S TORPID.

I MEAN, MY GOD.

"HO HO HO. COCKTAILS AND MISTLETOE."

YEAH.

LET'S BOP ON OVER TO WALT AND SHIRLEY'S HOUSE

FOR A LITTLE EGGNOG AND YULE LOG.

WISE-ASS.

YOU BELIEVE IN THIS!

SHOULD I LIVE LIKE YOU?

YES. I CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE YOU LIVE FOR YOURSELF. I DON'T.

I HAVE KRISTY.

YOU WANT SOME MORE TRUTH?

NO.

TOO BAD.

IT'S RUDE AND IT'S WRONG. BUT IT'S RIGHT ON THE MONEY.

SHE'S HOLDING YOU BACK, MAN.

YOU ARE A DROWNING MAN,

AND SHE IS AN ANCHOR AROUND YOUR NECK.

SHE IS MAKING ALL THE CHOICES IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

NO. NO. YES.

I LOVE KRISTY.

SHE'S THE SWEETEST GIRL IN THE WORLD,

AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE A MEAN BONE IN HER BODY.

BUT I LOVE YOU LIKE A BROTHER. AND YOU KNOW THAT.

AND THIS HURTS LIKE HELL TO SAY,

AND MAYBE I'M WRONG...

BUT I MISS YOU.

I MISS YOU VERY MUCH.

I MISS OUR FRIENDSHIP...

VERY MUCH.

KISS ME.

HEY, REMEMBER WHAT I SAID, THOUGH.

WHAT ABOUT ERIN?

WHAT ABOUT ERIN?

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR HER?

NO, I DO NOT HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR HER,

AND I HOPE TO GOD SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEBODY TO GO TO BED WITH THEM.

AND THE MERE FACT THAT YOU MENTION THAT

IS AN INDICATION OF HOW PAROCHIAL YOUR THINKING HAS BECOME.

UH-UH.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING PAROCHIAL

ABOUT A MAN LOVING A WOMAN.

SAVE THAT FOR THE BROADWAY SHOW LYRICS,

BUT THAT'S NOTHING TO LIVE YOUR LIFE BY.

I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, JAKE.

VERY DISAPPOINTED.

YOU SHOULD BE DOING MORE THAN THIS.

I'M DOING JUST FINE.

YOU CAN THINK THAT.

I DO.

THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN GETTING LAID.

YOU CAN THINK THAT, TOO.

* CHUKKAH

* CHUKKAH

* CHUKKAH

* CHUKKAH

* COME AND GET IT * COME AND GET IT

* COME AND GET IT

I LOVE THIS PLACE.

THIS IS GREAT.

CAN YOU BELIEVE 3 BUCKS FOR A BEER?

I--I PAID 3-- I LOVE THAT.

I LOVE--IT'S GREAT.

* CHUKKAH

* D-D-D-D-D-D

* D-D-D-D-D-D

* DESIRE

* CHUKKAH

* D-D-D-D-D-D

* D-D-D-D-D-D

* DESIRE

* CHUKKAH

* D-D-D-D-D-D

* CHUKKAH

* DESIRE

* CHUKKAH

* D-D-D-D-D-D

* D-D-D-D-D-D

* CHUKKAH

* DESIRE

* CHUKKAH

* SUGAR

* I'VE BEEN MISSIN' YOU

* AND I'VE BEEN WONDERIN'

* WHERE IT IS YOU'RE HIDING *

* I'VE BEEN A BALL OF FIRE

* IN YOUR ARMS, DESIRE

* AND I'VE BEEN WONDERIN'

* WHERE IT IS YOU'RE HIDING *

* CHUKKAH

* WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU SEE *

* CHUKKAH

* DESIRE

* CHUKKAH

* WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU SEE *

* CHUKKAH

* DESIRE

* I'VE BEEN WONDERIN'

BE RIGHT BACK, OK?

YOU WAIT RIGHT HERE?

* AND I'VE BEEN WONDERING

* WHERE IT IS YOU'RE HIDING *

* WHERE IT IS YOU'RE HIDIN' *

* CHUKKAH

* WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU SEE *

* CHUKKAH

* DESIRE

* CHUKKAH

* WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU SEE *

ENJOYING THE MUSIC?

SORRY. THE LADIES' ROOM WAS TOO CROWDED.

YOU DON'T MIND, DO YOU?

NO. NO. NO.

DO YOU COME HERE A LOT?

WELL...I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'D SAY A LOT,

BUT TWICE TONIGHT,

BUT I HAD COFFEE EARLIER.

THEN I HAD A BEER.

I MEANT THE PLACE. THE CLUB?

OH.

CIAO.

HI, LEFTY.

HOW'S THE NEIGHBORHOOD GIGOLO?

WELL, LEFTY BOY,

ABOUT THIS, UH, VALERIE BLAKE,

IS SHE... YOU KNOW, HUH?

YOU KNOW...

CRAWLING AROUND IN THAT WARPED LITTLE MIND OF YOURS.

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING SO MAD ABOUT?

I DON'T LIKE THE INNUENDO IN YOUR VOICE.

KRISTY.

[SQUEAK]

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

KRIS?

OH, MY GOD.

[CREAK]

HELLO, JAKE.

YOU DIDN'T LOCK THE DOOR,

IS IT ALL RIGHT THAT I CAME IN?

HOW'D YOU FIND ME?

I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU.

YOU MUST KNOW THAT I DON'T MAKE A HABIT

OF WALKING INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES.

IT'S OK.

YOU'RE FRIGHTENED?

I DON'T KNOW. I...

I THINK I'M EXPERIENCING AN EMOTION

THAT HASN'T BEEN DEFINED YET.

THE MORE I TRY TO EXPLAIN TO YOU

WHY AND HOW I CAME TO BE HERE,

THE LESS WE'D BOTH UNDERSTAND IT.

PROBABLY.

I'LL JUST SAY

THAT I HAVE A VERY DEEP

AND CERTAIN FEELING ABOUT YOU.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN DESTINY?

FROM NOW ON I WILL.

WE WERE MEANT TO BE.

FOR SEVERAL YEARS NOW,

YOU'VE FELT LIKE SOMETHING WAS MISSING.

YOU WERE CARRYING WITH YOU A VOID

AND I WAS BORN TO FILL IT.

WE CAN'T HELP IT.

OUR LIVES UP TO NOW

HAVE BEEN THE PRELUDE TO THIS MOMENT.

NOW IT'S HAPPENED,

AND ALL THAT EMPTINESS YOU'VE FELT IS GONE.

IT'S NOT WRONG.

NO GUILT.

IT'S DESTINY.

YOU COULDN'T PREVENT IT.

NO GUILT.

ONLY PLEASURE.

YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

WE HAVE NO CHOICE?

WE HAVE NO CHOICE.

WE'RE DESTINY.

JAKE.

YOU'RE DREAMING AGAIN, SWEETIE.

BABE... BABE, WHAT HAPPENED?

BAD DREAM.

WHY COULDN'T I ACCEPT

WHO I WAS, WHAT I WAS, AND WHERE I WAS?

WHY COULDN'T I BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE WHO RODE THE TRAIN?

WERE THEY MINDLESS, ANONYMOUS DRONES

FOLLOWING THE SCENT OF MONEY TO A SENSELESS, FORGOTTEN END?

OR WERE THEY THE BEARERS OF SOME GREAT SECRET

THAT ALLOWED THEM TO REJOICE IN THIS LIFE

THAT I WAS SO UNWILLING TO EMBRACE?

AND WHAT WAS THE DEAL WITH THAT WEIRD DREAM?

SO MANY QUESTIONS.

SO FEW ANSWERS.

COME ON.

17, 18. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL HERE? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

YOU'VE BEEN HERE A YEAR, YEAR AND A HALF.

5, 10 YEARS, YOU'RE GONNA BE

CRANKING THIS CRAP OUT IN YOUR SLEEP.

I DON'T INTEND TO BE WRITING ADS 10 YEARS FROM NOW, THANK YOU.

OH, THIS IS JUST TEMPORARY, RIGHT?

YEAH. VERY.

I HAD THE EXACT SAME FEELINGS WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I ACTUALLY EVEN QUIT ONCE.

DID YOU?

TO WRITE A BOOK.

YEAH? YEAH.

AND I BUILT SIX BIRDHOUSES,

I PUT ON 20 POUNDS,

I WATCHED 5,000 HOURS OF TV,

WROTE A PAGE AND A HALF,

CALLED HOWARD, GOT MY OLD JOB BACK.

EVERYBODY TRIES IT,

AND EVERYBODY COMES BACK.

THE RARE INDIVIDUAL BREAKS OUT,

BUT IT'S TOO INFREQUENT

TO WARRANT CONSIDERATION.

JUST FORGET IT.

WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE RARE INDIVIDUAL,

BECAUSE I'M BUSTING OUT.

LISTEN.

I MEASURE MY LIFE

IN DEGREES OF HAPPINESS.

I'M SUPPORTING MY FAMILY

IN A WAY THAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

I GOT A NICE HOUSE,

I GOT A REAL NICE CAR,

AND ONCE A YEAR,

I WRITE AN AD THAT I'M PROUD OF.

AND THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT?

NO. THAT'S WHAT I TAKE.

YOU NEVER GET WHAT YOU WANT.

THE GUYS WHO JUMP OFF THE MICHIGAN AVENUE BRIDGE

ON THEIR 40th BIRTHDAYS

ARE THE ONES WHO WANT MORE THAN THEY WILL EVER GET.

YOU DEPRESS THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

CONSIDER WHAT I DO TO MYSELF.

HE WAS MY BOSS.

I SECRETLY BELIEVED HE WAS TERRIFIED

THAT I MIGHT MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF OUTSIDE THE FIELD.

IF I DID,

HE'D BE REMINDED IN LIVING COLOR OF HIS OWN FAILURES.

THE LAST THING I NEEDED AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE

WAS A 36-YEAR-OLD MANIC-DEPRESSANT

BEGRUDGING ME MY YOUTH.

I WAS FRIGHTENED ENOUGH THAT IT WAS EVAPORATING.

GET USED TO IT, PAL.

IT ONLY GETS WORSE.

HAVE YOU EVER HELD A BABY BEFORE?

NO.

DO YOU WANT TO? YES.

COME. SIT OVER HERE.

[BABY CRYING]

Woman: KRISTY, OVER HERE RIGHT NOW.

Jake: NOW. NO, NOT LATER. NOW. SEX NOW.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX NOW.

CAN WE HAVE SEX NOW?

YOU WANT TO MATE WITH ME?

YOU WANT TO MATE?

AH. AH. AH.

AH. AH.

SORRY, GUYS.

TAKE A HIKE.

RUSS,

WHAT I'M GOING TO DO TO YOUR DAUGHTER TONIGHT...

[CLINK]

KRISTY,

I'M GOING TO SLEEP NOW, BABE,

SO, WHEN YOU COME IN,

BE KIND OF CAREFUL NOT TO WAKE ME,

'CAUSE I'M REALLY TIRED.

OK?

I'M JUST...

I'M JUST DOG-TIRED,

AND I GOT KIND OF A BIG DAY TOMORROW.

ONE OF THE STUPIDEST

AND LEAST EFFECTIVE METHODS OF SEDUCING A WOMAN.

THE LOGIC IS

THAT BY MAKING MYSELF SEEM DISINTERESTED IN SEX,

SHE'LL BE CHALLENGED.

IT NEVER WORKED,

BUT THAT WAS NO REASON TO STOP TRYING.

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

[FACTORY WHISTLE BLOWS]

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR RELATIONSHIP,

SHE TOOK THE INITIATIVE.

SUDDENLY, AND WITHOUT WARNING,

THE GAME HAD TURNED ON THE HUNTER.

MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS THAT SHE WAS MISTAKING ME FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

SECOND THOUGHT, SHE HAD STARTED DRINKING IN THE AFTERNOONS.

THIRD AND FINAL THOUGHT, SHE LOVED ME.

I MISSED THE TARGET BUT HIT THE TREE.

PLASTIC FLYWHEEL.

IT'S PROBABLY OUT OF GAS.

YOU'RE OUT OF GAS.

YOU SEE THIS? PERCH ON IT.

HEY, I'M RUBBER, YOU'RE GLUE.

WHATEVER YOU SAY BOUNCES OFF ME

AND STICKS TO YOU.

STICK THIS.

UP YOURS.

UP YOURS, TOO.

IT'S YOU AND ME.

CIAO.

YEOW!

* THE DRUMMIN' MAN

* HE'S A DRUMMIN' MAN

* NO ONE KICKS A SET OF DRUMS *

* JUST LIKE HE CAN

* ALL ABOUT ROMANCING GIRLS *

* HE KNOWS NOT A THING

* BUT WHEN HE ROCKS OUT ON THE DRUMS *

* YOU KNOW HE'S REALLY MEAN *

* DIG THAT MAN SITTIN' ON THAT STOOL *

* HE'S A COWHIDE-KICKIN' FOOL *

* SWINGIN' MR. T

[COUGHING]

CAN I GET ANYBODY ANYTHING?

YEAH.

DINNER, MISSY.

HOW ABOUT IT? LET'S GO.

THIS IS GOOD, JAKE.

YOU'RE QUITE A BARBECUE CHEF.

WHAT FASCINATES ME IS HOW YOU GOT IT

BLOOD RAW ON ONE SIDE

AND CHARRED TO A CRISP ON THE OTHER.

MY STEAK'S JUST FINE, RUSS.

MINE, TOO, DARLING.

WHAT IS THIS, DIRT ON HERE?

YOU SAY SOMETHING, JAKE?

NO. NO.

Gayle: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERYTHING?

I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

YOU CERTAINLY ARE.

THAT'S NOT COMPLAINING. YOU WANT TO HEAR COMPLAINING?

MISSY...

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR

AND GET ME A GRANDCHILD?

I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME, TOO, RUSS.

AT LAST WE AGREE ON SOMETHING.

EVERYTHING IN DUE TIME.

FOR CRIPES' SAKE, THEY JUST MOVED INTO A HOME.

DON'T PUT PRESSURE ON TOP OF PRESSURE. WHAT'S THE RUSH?

I'M WITH YOU, JIM.

I HAD A TERRIBLE TIME WITH KRISTY'S BIRTH.

I ALMOST LOST HER IN DELIVERY.

IF SHE WANTS TO WAIT, IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME.

I JUST THINK IT'S ODD THAT THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED NOW--

WHAT IS IT, FOUR YEARS?

AND THEY DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT KIDS.

IT WAS A BREECH.

THE WOMEN IN MY FAMILY HAVE SUCH SMALL HIPS.

IT WAS PAINFUL, AND IT WAS TERRIFYING.

YOU ARE ALL RIGHT NOW,

SO WHY DWELL ON IT, IN THE SWEET NAME OF CHRIST?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW UNTIL IT WAS ALL OVER.

HOW COULD I KNOW? I WAS OUT PLAYING GOLF.

DARLING, YOU WOULD HAVE THE MOST DIVINE BABIES.

AREN'T YOU THINKING ABOUT IT?

MOM, THAT'S KIND OF A PERSONAL MATTER.

WELL, IT'S A FAMILY MATTER.

WE'RE JUST CURIOUS.

Russ: WELL, WHAT'S THE DEAL?

Gayle: THEY'LL HAVE KIDS WHEN THEY HAVE KIDS.

MAYBE THEY'RE NOT READY.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO? BE SWINGERS THE WHOLE REST OF THEIR LIVES?

IS THAT IT?

DID YOU HAVE YOUR PARENTS GOADING YOU INTO HAVE KIDS?

THERE WAS NO TIME TO GOAD ME.

NO, NO. I HAD MY KIDS RIGHT AWAY.

DOWN AT MY COMPANY,

EVERYBODY MY AGE, OR AROUND MY AGE,

HAS A PICTURE ON THEIR DESK OF A GRANDCHILD.

I HAVE A PICTURE ON MY DESK OF HER.

WHAT I WANT TO HAVE ON MY DESK

IS A PICTURE OF A GRANDCHILD.

WHO WOULDN'T WANT THAT?

BUT THIS IS ONE THING

WE'RE JUST ALL GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE PATIENCE ON.

AT THE RATE THESE TWO ARE GOING,

I'LL BE RETIRED BEFORE THEY GET AROUND TO IT,

AND THEN THERE WON'T BE ANY DESK TO PUT A PICTURE ON.

ARE YOU MAD?

NO.

WOULD YOU RATHER NOT TALK?

I'M FINE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

YOU KNOW.

KIDS?

YOU WANT KIDS?

DON'T YOU?

IT'S IRREVERSIBLE.

SO?

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR IRREVERSIBLE ACTION RIGHT NOW.

LET'S GO TO SLEEP.

HAVING OUR PARENTS HERE...

DISTORTED EVERYTHING.

IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME TO TALK SERIOUS.

NOW, GO TO SLEEP.

IF I TELL YOU SOMETHING, WILL YOU PROMISE NOT TO GET MAD?

WHAT IS IT?

PROMISE YOU WON'T GET MAD?

TELL ME WHAT IT IS.

YOU HAVE TO PROMISE YOU WON'T GET MAD.

OK, I PROMISE I WON'T GET MAD.

I STOPPED TAKING THE PILL THREE MONTHS AGO.

[SCREAMING]

KEEP SMILING, BRIGGSIE.

CAN YOU HOLD THE BABY UP A LITTLE HIGHER, PLEASE?

HE'S GOT A NOSEBLEED ALREADY.

HOWARD,

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE DONE IN MY LIFE.

DON'T RETIRE THE TROPHY YET.

YOUR CAREER'S JUST STARTING.

SOME WORTHLESS OLD SHIT IS RETIRING,

SO I HAVE TO TAKE HALF A DAY OFF

AND HAVE MY PICTURE TAKEN WITH SOMEBODY ELSE'S BABY.

SORRY.

EVERYBODY ON THE ACCOUNT IS DOING IT. YOU'RE NOTHING SPECIAL.

YEAH, BUT DID THEY HIRE US TO DEVELOP THEIR ADVERTISING

OR TO PLAY CLOWN?

BOTH. BOTH.

I HATE THIS. HATE THIS.

YOU CAN RELAX FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

I GOT TO RESET THE LIGHTS.

HOWARD, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

YOUR WIFE SEES THESE PICTURES,

SHE'S GONNA START BEGGING YOU FOR OFFSPRING.

HOW HAVE YOU HELD OUT FOR SO LONG ON THAT?

MY REPRODUCTIVE LIFE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

OH, GOD. WHERE'S THE MOTHER?

I DON'T KNOW. SHE'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

THANKS, GUYS. COME ON.

WHOOPS!

SORRY.

WHOA!

SORRY.

SHALL WE DANCE?

GIVE ME A BREAK.

IS THIS YOURS?

* FROM FLOWERS IN YOUR HAIR *

* TO AIR-CONDITIONED AIR

* CHILDREN REVOLUTING TO APPLE COMPUTING *

* BUT YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS *

* IF YOU FEEL A KISS

* YOU HAVE TO LET GO

* YOUR MIND GOES YO

* WRAP ME IN SKIES OF BLUE *

* NEVER BEEN SO FULL OF LOVE *

* PICASSO SAID IT WAS A CRIME *

* TO DO IT ONE MORE TIME *

* TO IMITATE YOURSELF IS A DANGER TO YOUR HEALTH *

* BUT THERE'S THIS THING

* THAT HAPPENS IN THE SPRING *

* YOU HAVE TO LET GO

* YOUR MIND GOES YO

* WRAP ME IN SKIES OF BLUE *

* NEVER BEEN SO FULL OF LOVE *

WAAH.

MY FAULT.

IT WAS HER, IN HER UNDERWEAR.

THERE HAD TO BE A REASON

WHY I WAS SEEING HER AGAIN.

HUH? HUH? THEN YOU TELL HIM...

HERE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ALL DAY LONG.

I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS.

[BABY SQUEALS]

YOU'RE MARRIED.

THE RING.

YEAH. YEAH, I AM.

IT'S OK. I'M MARRIED, TOO.

REALLY?

I WAS TOO YOUNG.

HE WAS TOO YOUNG.

I GOT MARRIED YOUNG, TOO.

REALLY?

ARE YOU STILL IN LOVE WITH HER?

YES.

YES.

ABSOLUTELY.

ABSOLUTELY?

IF YOU'RE STILL IN LOVE WITH HER,

HOW COME YOU'RE HERE WITH ME?

IT'S OK. YOU'RE NERVOUS.

NERVOUS?

I'M NOT NERVOUS.

AH, COME ON.

HEY.

WHY DO--WHY DO YOU THINK I'M NERVOUS?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

* SO THIS IS FOR WHEN

* YOU'RE FEELING HAPPY AGAIN *

* AND THIS IS FOR WHEN

* YOU'RE FEELING SAD

* AND THIS IS FOR WHEN

* YOU FEEL SOMETHING

* OHHH

* WHEN THE MINUTES DRAG

* OHHH

* WHEN THE MINUTES DRAG

* OOH

[METAL CREAKS]

* OOH

[FLOORBOARD CREAKS]

[HANDLE RATTLES]

[CLICKS]

[EXHALES]

[METAL JANGLES]

[DISTANT DOG BARKS]

[BUCKLE RATTLING]

[ZIPS]

[COINS FALLING]

[COIN ROLLING]

[STOMPS]

YOU'RE HOME LATE.

YOU SCARED ME.

I'M SORRY. DID YOU EAT?

I GOT SOMETHING DOWNTOWN.

I WENT BACK TO THE DOCTOR.

OH, YEAH. EVERYTHING OK?

MY TESTS ARE ALL IN.

YEAH?

IT'S NOT ME. I'M FINE.

WELL, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS I'M OK.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE NOT OK

IF YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT.

I CAN GET PREGNANT.

IF YOU CAN, THEN WHY AREN'T YOU?

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET ME PREGNANT.

AND YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?

IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

WHO'S ASHAMED?

MOTHER SAID FATHER HAD THE SAME PROBLEM.

YOU TOLD YOUR MOTHER ABOUT THIS?

DID ANYBODY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD NOT HEAR ABOUT IT?

WAS IT ON THE NEWS?

WE'LL INVITE YOUR PARENTS OVER,

PUT SOME CHAIRS AT THE END OF THE BED.

A LITTLE HOME INSTRUCTION.

GET YOUR BUTT A LITTLE HIGHER, JAKE.

RUSS, HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.

IF HE KNEW,

WE'D BE GRANDPARENTS BY NOW.

YOUR FATHER WOULD HAVE A LOT OF POINTERS.

YOU TOLD YOUR MOTHER?

JESUS!

IT COULD BE A VERY SIMPLE PROBLEM.

WHAT PROBLEM? THERE IS NO PROBLEM.

COMPARED TO WHAT I WENT THROUGH,

YOUR TEST IS EASY.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE TO DO THAT?

I'D HELP.

VERY FUNNY.

IF YOU'RE FINE AND I'M NOT,

THERE'S REALLY NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM THAT CAN BE TREATED.

THAT'S EXACTLY THE SPOT

WHERE I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SURGERY.

THAT'S WHERE I'D LIKE MEN POKING AROUND

WITH SCALPELS IN MY GROIN.

NOBODY IS TOUCHING MY BALLS!

THIS REALLY ISN'T THE PLACE TO DISCUSS THIS.

WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A BABY?

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MEN

HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?

WHATEVER NUMBER MINUS ONE,

BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.

I CALLED DR. STANKY

AND ASKED HIM WHAT'S INVOLVED.

YOU CALLED DR. STANKY?

OK. WHAT'S INVOLVED?

A COUPLE OF MINUTES AND A PLASTIC CUP.

IT'S VERY DISCREET AND PROFESSIONAL.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH. YEAH, JEFFERSON BRIGGS.

WELL, I... HAVE MY S--

MY...MY...

SAMPLE?

HMM? YEAH. SAMPLE. YEAH.

THERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY.

ARE YOU SURE THERE'S ANY IN HERE?

[LAUGHTER]

MY INABILITY TO IMPREGNATE KRISTY

WAS BLAMED ON TIGHT SHORTS,

HAVING SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY BODY TEMPERATURE.

TO GO THROUGH THE HELL OF A FERTILITY CHECK

AND DISCOVER MY PREFERENCE IN UNDERGARMENTS

WAS TO BLAME

SEEMED AS SILLY AND POINTLESS

AS EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT MY LIFE.

JAKE?

JAKEY?

MY TEMPERATURE'S JUST RIGHT!

THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME!

WHERE ARE YOU?

CAN YOU HURRY?

HIDING FROM MY WIFE,

HIDING FROM MY MANLY OBLIGATION,

OUR LOVE NEST HAD BECOME A STUD FARM.

JAKEY, MY TEMPERATURE'S JUST RIGHT!

WHERE ARE YOU? HURRY! HURRY!

JEFFERSON EDWARD BRIGGS!

HI, BABE.

WERE YOU WORKING ON THE WATER HEATER AGAIN?

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU,

BUT IT'S BEEN 48 HOURS SINCE OUR LAST COITION.

I HAVE THE PILLOWS SET UP

SO THAT MY CERVIX IS PLACED BETTER.

YOU CAN WATCH TV IF YOU GET BORED.

HERE'S TO SUCCESSFUL FERTILIZATION, SWEETIE.

* UH

* AH

* UH

* I HEAR SOMETHING SAYIN' *

* UH

* AH

* UH

* AH

* UH

* AH

* UH

* WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW *

* THAT'S THE SOUND OF THE MEN *

* WORKING ON THE CHAIN GANG *

* THAT'S THE SOUND OF THE MEN *

* WORKING ON THE CHAIN GANG *

* ALL DAY LONG THEY'RE SAYIN' *

* UH

* AH

* UH

* AH

* UH

* AH

* UH

* WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW *

* THAT'S THE SOUND OF THE MEN... *

MY FATHER DIED.

COME ON IN.

OH, DAVIS,

I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENED.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'VE NEVER HAD ANYONE CLOSE TO ME DIE BEFORE.

TELL ME ANYTHING.

WE MISS YOU. HOW'S THAT?

WE?

JAKE AND I.

JAKE AND WHO?

ME.

YOU MISS ME?

YEAH.

WHY?

WHY?

'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR YEARS, AND...

IS THAT ALL?

FRIENDSHIP ISN'T ENOUGH?

SOMETIMES.

SOMETIMES NOT.

JAKE TOLD ME THAT...

YOU WANT TO HAVE A BABY.

WHY?

OH, 'CAUSE I'M...

I'M READY.

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE READY?

YOU FEEL IT.

IS JAKE READY?

I THINK HE IS. HE SAYS HE IS.

HOW DOES HE KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE HE FEELS IT.

MAYBE NOT.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

NOTHING.

NOTHING?

NOTHING.

OK.

SLEEP WELL.

I WON'T.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I WANT YOU TO KISS ME GOOD NIGHT.

IT WAS STUPID. NOW I'M SORRY.

I'VE HEARD SOME MISERABLE COME-ONS.

YOU THINK I'M SCUM, DON'T YOU,

BECAUSE I STAYED HERE WITH THAT SLUT

THREE YEARS AGO?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I ENVY JAKE.

I ALWAYS HAVE.

IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME

WHEN YOU TWO GOT MARRIED.

YOU'RE A LIAR.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KISS ME GOOD NIGHT...

SO THAT IN SOME MICROSCOPIC WAY...

I KNOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT ME.

I DO CARE.

I ALWAYS HAVE.

NOT IN THIS LIFETIME, DAVIS.

WHY NOT?

YOU HAVE TO ASK?

YOU REALLY LOVE HIM.

WITH EVERYTHING I AM.

NOTHING WILL CHANGE THAT.

NOT YOUR HANDS ON MY BODY,

OR YOUR LOOKS OR YOUR MONEY OR CHARM.

NOTHING, NOTHING.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ABOUT LOVE.

AREN'T YOU THE LEAST BIT CURIOUS?

DIDN'T YOU STEAL CANDY WHEN YOU WERE A KID?

I'M NOT A KID ANYMORE.

YOU GOT COLD, HUH?

I DIDN'T GET COLD.

I FOUND OUT SOMETHING

YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO YET.

EDUCATE ME.

FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF.

FEEL IT IN YOUR OWN SKIN.

I WON'T TELL JAKE ABOUT THIS.

IT ISN'T FATAL.

YOU HAVE YOUR GOOD POINTS.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I EVER LOVED.

NO, DAVIS. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE YOU EVER LOVED.

JAKE? MRS. BRIGGS CALLED.

MY MOTHER CALLED?

YOUR WIFE. SHE'S DOWNTOWN.

WHAT'S SHE DOING DOWNTOWN?

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE SAID SHE'D MEET YOU,

AND IT WAS IMPORTANT.

DID SHE SAY WHAT WAS IMPORTANT?

NO. SHE SAID YOU SHOULD MEET HER AT 5:00

AT THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY.

IF YOU'RE STILL IN LOVE WITH HER,

HOW COME YOU'RE WITH ME?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

DILLON, PATTERSON, AND REID.

HI.

WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?

NEVER CALL ME AT WORK.

YEAH.

TALK TO YOU LATER. I LOVE YOU. BYE.

JAKE...

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

I FOUND OUT TODAY.

I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU ON THE PHONE.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

ARE YOU AS HAPPY AS I AM?

I THINK SO. YEAH.

YEAH.

WE'RE BLESSED.

* APRON STRINGS

* HANGIN' EMPTY CRAZY THINGS *

* MY BODY TELLS ME

* I WANT SOMEONE TO TIE TO MY LONELY APRON STRINGS *

* APRON STRINGS

* WAITIN' FOR YOU

* PRETTY THINGS

* THAT I COULD CALL YOU *

* I WANT SOMEONE TO TIE

* TO MY LONELY APRON STRINGS *

* HE COULD LOOK JUST LIKE ME *

* WHEN I WAS YOUNG

* AND I WONDER AS THE DAYS UNWIND *

* WILL HE HAVE YOUR EYES OR MINE *

* THEN I WAKE UP

* TO MY

* MY APRON STRINGS

* COLD AND LONELY

* FOR TIME BRINGS

* THOUGHTS THAT ONLY WILL BE QUIET *

* WHEN SOMEONE CLINGS

* TO MY APRON STRINGS

* YOU'D BE HAPPY WRAPPED IN MY APRON STRINGS *

* YOU'D BE HAPPY WRAPPED IN MY APRON STRINGS *

I'D STUMBLED INTO A MARRIAGE,

DRIFTED INTO A CAREER,

AND BACKED INTO FATHERHOOD.

IT WAS TOO EASY.

I COULDN'T CONVINCE MYSELF

THAT EVERYTHING WAS ALL RIGHT.

THERE WAS SOMETHING OUT THERE,

CIRCLING MY HAPPY HOME,

WATCHING ME, STALKING ME,

WAITING TO STRIKE.

JAKE?

YEAH!

JAKE.

I'M WORKING!

JAKE, HONEY, IT'S TIME.

TIME FOR WHAT?

[SIGHS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[ENGINE REVS]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[HORN HONKS AND TIRES SQUEAL]

[HORN HONKS]

SORRY. I'M SORRY.

ARE YOU OK?

I'M FINE.

I'M GLAD YOU CAME BACK.

YEAH. H-H-HOW DO YOU FEEL?

I FEEL FINE.

TAKE IT SLOW.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO RUSH.

JUST SIT DOWN. YOU ALL RIGHT?

MM-HMM.

[TIRES SCREECH]

THROUGH THE NOSE...

AND OUT THROUGH THE MOUTH.

KRIS, YOU'RE NOT BREATHING.

THROUGH THE NOSE...

AND OUT THROUGH THE MOUTH.

OOH! SWEETIE, ARE YOU OK?

FINE. FINE. IN THROUGH THE NOSE...

OUT THROUGH THE MOUTH...

YOU OK?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

REMEMBER EVERYTHING WE LEARNED?

YOU GOT YOUR FOCAL POINT?

WHERE IS IT?

BACK HERE? BUREAU?

YOU GOT TO GET SOMETHING MORE FOCAL.

WHAT? THE BUNNIES?

CONCENTRATE ON THAT AND NOT ON THE PAIN.

PRETEND LIKE THERE IS NO PAIN.

BABE, IT'S STARTING.

IT'S STARTED?

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY?

IT'S BEEN ABOUT 10 SECONDS?

LESS? LESS? MORE?

WHAT, LESS? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

WE'LL CALL IT 20.

WE'LL CALL IT 20, 25.

WHAT IS THIS? WHAT?

WHAT? OH, I'M IN THE--

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

OH, SHIT!

LOOK AT THE BUNNIES.

BREATHE.

OK, BREATHE.

OH, THAT'S IT?

WHOA...HMM...

YOU OK?

ALL RIGHT.

YOU DID GOOD.

WE SHOULD WORK OUT SOME KIND OF SIGNAL

WHEN THE CONTRACTIONS START

BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS COMING.

JUST GRAB MY ARM. THAT'S GOOD.

GRAB MY ARM WHEN IT STARTS.

IT STARTED AGAIN?

IT ALREADY STARTED? SO SOON?

OH! OH, GOD!

NURSE!

DO I COME WITH?

NO. YOU WAIT HERE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OK. OK.

YOU WANT-- I HOLD THESE?

OK. OK, BABE.

SEE YA.

UH...

REMEMBER YOUR BREATHING.

JUST RELAX NOW.

OK, OK, KRISTY.

WE'RE GOING TO MOVE YOU OVER.

JUST NICE AND EASY. THAT'S IT.

WHEW.

LOOK AT THIS ONE.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

DON'T TOUCH THAT.

OH, UH...

SORRY.

MY FAULT. SORRY.

OK, KRISTY. CONTROL YOUR BREATHING NOW.

ALL RIGHT?

WHEN YOU FEEL THE CONTRACTION,

TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND HOLD IT.

DO YOU FEEL THE CONTRACTION?

DEEP BREATH IN AND HOLD IT FOR 10.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

OK, BLOW IT OUT.

TAKE ANOTHER DEEP BREATH IN,

AND HOLD IT WHILE I COUNT TO 10 AGAIN.

1, 2...

AHEM.

OH! HI.

I WAS JUST, UH, WATCHING.

HERE WE GO.

PUT THESE ON.

IS THIS MY SIZE?

THEY'RE ONE SIZE FITS ALL.

OK.

OK, WHAT IS THIS, UH...

GET THESE ON.

COME BACK TO ME, AND I'LL TAKE YOU IN.

OK, GREAT.

MR. BRIGGS,

THAT GOES ON OVER YOUR CLOTHES.

YEAH, OF COURSE.

I'M SORRY.

WHERE'S MY HUSBAND?

HE'LL BE HERE REAL SOON, KRISTY.

OH, GOD!

OH, OH! OW!

OH, JAKE! JAKE!

DID I DO THIS THING RIGHT?

LOOKS OK.

WE'RE GOING TO THE DELIVERY ROOM?

I FEEL GOOD. I FEEL CHARGED.

YOU'LL BE JUST FINE.

I THOUGHT I'D BE NERVOUS.

THIS IS GREAT. RIGHT IN HERE?

WAIT HERE A SECOND.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT OUTSIDE.

WHY?

THERE'S BEEN A COMPLICATION.

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT--

MR. BRIGGS! MR. BRIGGS, PLEASE!

YOU'RE GOING--

THAT'S MY WIFE!

JUST TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!

JUST TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!

IF YOU'LL JUST CALM DOWN,

I'LL FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON

AND COME BACK FOR YOU.

KRISTY, I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW.

I WANT TO GET IT OUT.

STOP PUSHING WITH YOUR CONTRACTIONS.

I GOT TO GET IT OUT!

STOP PUSHING WITH YOUR CONTRACTIONS.

YOU'RE NOT DOING YOURSELF ANY GOOD.

I GOT TO GET IT OUT!

OH, GOD, OH.

MR. BRIGGS...

THE BABY IS IN A BREECH PRESENTATION.

UH-HUH.

IT'S COMING OUT BACKWARDS.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

THE BABY'S HEAD IS CAUGHT.

IT'S TOO EARLY TO TELL,

BUT WE'RE DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN.

* AH-HA OOH

* AH-HA OOH

* AH-HA OOH

* PRAY GOD YOU CAN COPE

* I'LL STAND OUTSIDE THIS WOMAN'S WORK *

* THIS WOMAN'S WORLD

* OOH, IT'S HARD ON THE MAN *

* NOW HIS PART IS OVER

* NOW STARTS THE CRAFT

* OF THE FATHER

* I KNOW YOU HAVE A LITTLE LIFE IN YOU YET *

* I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF STRENGTH LEFT *

* I KNOW YOU HAVE A LITTLE LIFE IN YOU YET *

* I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF STRENGTH LEFT *

* I SHOULD BE CRYIN'

* BUT I JUST CAN'T LET IT SHOW *

* I SHOULD BE HOPIN', BUT I CAN'T STOP THINKIN' *

* OF ALL THE THINGS I SHOULD HAVE SAID *

* THAT I NEVER SAID

* ALL THE THINGS WE SHOULD HAVE DONE *

* THAT WE NEVER DID

* ALL THE THINGS I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN *

* BUT I DIDN'T

* OH, DARLIN'

* MAKE IT GO

* MAKE IT GO AWAY

* GIVE ME THESE MOMENTS BACK *

* GIVE THEM BACK

* TO ME

* GIVE ME THAT LITTLE KISS *

* GIVE ME YOUR HAND

* I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF STRENGTH LEFT *

* I KNOW YOU HAVE A LITTLE LIFE IN YOU YET *

* I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF STRENGTH LEFT *

* I SHOULD BE CRYIN', BUT I JUST CAN'T LET IT SHOW *

* I SHOULD BE HOPIN', BUT I CAN'T STOP THINKIN' *

* OF ALL THE THINGS WE SHOULD HAVE SAID *

* THAT WE NEVER SAID

* ALL THE THINGS WE SHOULD HAVE DONE *

* THAT WE NEVER DID

* ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU NEEDED FROM ME *

* ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU WANTED FOR ME *

* ALL THE THINGS I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN *

* BUT I DIDN'T

* OH, DARLIN', MAKE IT GO AWAY *

* JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY

* NOW

HI, SWEETIE.

I DIDN'T WANT ANYBODY ELSE TO TELL YOU.

BABE, IT'S A BOY.

WHAT?

WE HAVE A BOY.

* I CAN HEAR HER HEARTBEAT FOR 1,000 MILES *

HE'S OK?

* AND THE HEAVENS OPEN

* EVERY TIME SHE SMILES

* AND WHEN I COME TO HER

* THAT'S WHERE I BELONG

* YES, I'M RUNNIN' TO HER

* LIKE A RIVER'S SONG

* SHE GIVES ME LOVE

I LOVE YOU.

* CRAZY LOVE

* SHE GIVES ME LOVE

* CRAZY

* LOVE

AND IN THE END,

I REALIZED I TOOK MORE THAN I GAVE,

THAT I WAS TRUSTED MORE THAN I TRUSTED,

THAT I WAS LOVED MORE THAN I LOVED.

WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR WAS NOT TO BE FOUND...

BUT TO BE MADE.

* SHE GIVE ME LOVE, LOVE, LOVE *

* CRAZY LOVE

* SHE GIVE ME LOVE

* CRAZY

* CRAZY LOVE

* AH, CRAZY LOVE

HOW ABOUT A NICE, SIMPLE NAME?

LARRY.

BOB.

IF IT'S A BOY, NAME IT AFTER ME.

RUSSELL.

JEFFERSON JUNIOR?

GEORGE.

ARNOLD? CALEB.

IAN. MARK.

MARMADUKE.

OTTO. NOT ENOUGH OTTOS.

DOUGLAS? REGINALD.

IGOR. HYMAN.

SCHWOCK. DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

HEARD IT ON A BUS.

DAVID. Both: ALFRED.

IRWIN. MELONHEAD OR LIZARD.

HUEY.

BASIL. ROLAND?

HMM...NAMES FOR A BOY?

MY WIFE'S PARTIAL TO BOR-BOR.

JASON? JEROME.

VLADIMIR. MAXIMILLIAN.

NICHOLAS. ABNER.

JOHANN. MICHAEL.

UH, CRYOBORG, GANDORF, KLAUS, VALDOR, SLAGATHOR...

UH, SLAGGY FOR SHORT.

RUDOLPH. PETER. ASHLEY.

I'VE LIKED FOR YEARS QUEEG, BLIGH,

NARGALZIUS, ROLO, AND VORTEGUR.

JEAN-MARC. Both: MOHAMMED.

MELVIN. MILTON. DUANE.

KLAUS. TOBY? KIND OF SISSY.

BUT OK, HE'LL BE A PRIEST.

BLIND BOYD GRUNT.

JASPER.

OPIE? WALTER.

IF YOU WANT TO TORMENT HIM, CALL HIM CECIL.

CHARLIE. Both: TERRENCE.

CHARLIE THE FIRST.

GEORGE. HARRY.

LARRY. REUBEN.

YOU COULD GO SILLY

AND CALL HIM, UH, SKIPPY.

WHEELER. JIM.

WINTHROP.

BARNEY IS A GOOD NAME.

GROVER.

ALVIN. ELLIOT.

LINUS. ROSCOE?

KERWIN. KIOSHIAMAMOTO.

PATRICK. LITTLE SUCK.

DASHIEL. FRED.

ORBY LEE. JASPER.

JAZZ. J-A-Z-Z.

GUIDO. HORATIO.

BABY MAGIC.

WHO WOULDN'T LOVE THAT?

EVERYBODY WOULD. I WOULD.

SPIKE. ADOLPH.

CHRIS. MARK.

UH, MUCUS.

MUCUS?

WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?

CONAN.

WHAT ABOUT BILLY?

MMM, I LIKE BILLY.

BUNKY. BEAUFORD.

BREWSTER. BERTULUCCI.

BARNEY. BASIL.

BUTCH. BORIS. BEAUREGARD.

BELLAWACKADAYFORLONGER- AMSTERDAMANDASHQUININA.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

UH...

All: SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY NAME?

DID WE SAY CHRISTOPHER YET?

YEAH.

I LIKE CHRISTOPHER.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

* ALL CHANGE, SHE'S HAVING A BABY *

* ALL CHANGE, SHE'S HAVING A BABY *

* MIXED DRINKS AND MIXED EMOTIONS *

* YOU FEEL THE BEAT OF A BRAND-NEW HEART *

* ALL CHANGE, SHE'S HAVING A BABY *

* IT DRAWS YOU CLOSE AS IT TEARS YOU APART *

* WILL IT BE A BOY OR A GIRL *

* AND WHAT WILL IT MAKE OF THE WORLD *

* ALL CHANGE, SHE'S HAVING A BABY *

* ALL CHANGE, SHE'S HAVING A BABY *

* ALL CHANGE, SHE'S HAVING A BABY *

* ALL CHANGE, SHE'S HAVING A BABY *

* ALL CHANGE, SHE'S HAVING A BABY... *

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