Original subtitles

CHARLOTTE: My sister Kate learned to swim

when most babies were in their playpens.

I adore her. Everybody does.

When she was born I wanted to name her

after St. Gobnait, the virgin beekeeper.

But Mother, Mrs. Flax, thought I was a little peculiar.

I don't agree.

(WOMAN SINGING IN FRENCH OVER TV)

(LIP-SYNCHING)

CHARLOTTE: Mrs. Flax doesn't believe in ritual or tradition.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Never know how much I love you

No. (SIGHS)

♪ Never know how much I care

♪ When you put your arms around me

♪ I get a fever that's so hard to bear

♪ You give me fever

Maybe.

♪ When you kiss me

♪ Fever when you hold me tight

I think so!

♪ Fever ♪

CHARLOTTE: But I'd wanted to repent since I saw

a girl with ashes on her forehead

cross herself and chant Hail Marys before a spelling bee.

Charlotte, we're Jewish.

(SIGHS)

What is this?

Cheeseball pick-me-ups,

accompanied by miniature franks,

and for dessert, marshmallow kabobs.

CHARLOTTE: A word about Mrs. Flax and food.

The word is hors d'oeuvres.

Fun Finger Foods is her main source book,

and that's all the woman cooks.

Anything more, she says, is too big a commitment.

(HORN HONKS)

It's Fred. Okay, how do I look?

Like a woman about to go forth and sin.

Exactly the look I was hoping for!

Good night. Don't wait up!

Mrs. Flax is dating her boss. (SIGHS)

♪ Blame it on the bossa nova

♪ With its magic spell

♪ Blame it on the bossa nova

♪ That he did so well

♪ Oh, it all began with just one little dance ♪

MRS. FLAX: (MOANING) Oh, Fred!

That means we'll be moving soon.

Wait a minute. Wait...

(PANTING)

Did you just tell me that,

not only am I not going on this trip,

but that you're taking another woman?

Honey, she's not just another woman.

She's my wife.

CHARLOTTE: We've moved 18 times.

(MRS. FLAX SINGING)

It gets easy to read the signs.

♪ The lightning of his terrible swift sword

♪ This goose is marching on

♪ Glory, glory...

(SIGHS)

♪ Hallelujah ♪

CHARLOTTE: I feel I've wasted half my life in cars.

I try to be charitable, taking care of Kate and not killing Mother.

But whoever heard the word of God

going 70 miles an hour on the interstate?

REPORTER: President Kennedy arrived in Hyannis Port

this afternoon from Washington.

On hand to greet him as his helicopter touched down...

I don't think he wanted those gifts they gave him.

Frankenstein and birds?

(LAUGHING)

Sweetheart, the three wise men brought

the baby Jesus frankincense and myrrh.

Oh.

I do know these things. I just choose to believe something else.

I got an idea. How about some fudge?

Yeah!

Charlotte, you wanna make fudge?

I can't do anything

until I have everything the way it was.

Charlotte, the point of moving is so that things can be different.

I don't like waking up and not knowing where I am.

Well, I'll make a sign for over your bed.

"Good morning. You are now in East Port. Have a lovely day."

Oklahoma was great. I liked living there.

You'll love it here when you get used to it.

Yeah, and when you get used to it, we'll move again.

Life is change, Charlotte. Death is...

Dwelling on the past

or staying in one place too long.

(CHUCKLES)

MRS. FLAX: Charlotte, remind me to get you a decent pair of shoes.

I don't want any.

Don't be ridiculous.

Every woman wants new shoes.

But those are from him.

MRS. FLAX: Him? Oh, him. (HUFFS)

Charlotte says he'll visit one day.

How will he know we're here?

The only thing you can rely on about your father

is that he can't be relied on.

There. Hold on, hold on.

CHARLOTTE: I only have one memory of my father.

At least... I think it was my father.

MAN : Honey, it's an eclipse. Put these on.

(LITTLE CHARLOTTE GIGGLING)

One day he'll come back. I just hope he can find us.

Dear God, please don't let us be leaving right away.

Please let me stop lying all the time.

Please don't let me fall in love so much

and please let someone fall in love back.

And please send me a sign. Amen.

(SIGHS)

MAN: Hello there. Hello.

(HORN HONKING)

Hey! Come on!

MRS. FLAX: "Chief maintenance man for apartment house or hotel."

(HORNS HONKING) MAN: Let's move it, huh?

MRS. FLAX: "Experienced mechanic. Sheet-metal worker."

Somehow.

Charlotte, you drive like old people make love.

Mom, I'm only 15. I get nervous.

MAN: Move it over!

Driving is one of the two most important skills a woman can have.

You should be tickled pink that I taught you early. MAN: Let's go.

Wait a minute. All right, this sounds good.

"Bright, personable secretary with cheerful disposition

"required by small law firm." (CHUCKLES)

(TURNS ON BLINKER)

Why are you signaling? The turn is two miles down the road.

All right. Just pull over.

MAN: Step on it!

KATE: Blow it out your ear!

Kate!

(CAR APPROACHING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(SONG PLAYING)

Hi.

I just wondered if you got moved in all right.

Yeah, we got moved in fine.

My name's Joe Peretti. I work up the hill.

So if you need anything done, ma'am...

Ma'am? (LAUGHS)

Well, what exactly is up the hill, Mr. Peretti?

The convent. Protectors of the Blessed Souls.

CHARLOTTE: This is a sign. Thank you, God! This is a real sign!

MRS. FLAX: Our nearest neighbors are nuns?

I suppose you think this is divine providence.

You know what? There is one small thing, Joe.

Here. That porch swing up there?

Yeah.

I just can't seem to reach it.

Okay. I'll take a look.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(SONG PLAYING)

So, Joe, how old did you say you were?

26 and cute as a button. Too bad you're set on being a nun.

You know, Charlotte, you might be old enough for a boyfriend now.

If I'm old enough, maybe you're too old.

Don't be ridiculous. A real woman is never too old.

(DISTANT CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(CHEERING)

NUN : Let's go! Let's go!

(CONVENT BELL TOLLING)

Please, God, don't let me fall in love

and wanna do disgusting things.

Dear God! I love the way he throws.

(GASPING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Come on!

Mrs. Flax.

I'm taking my fiancee out to lunch.

I expect you to be here when I return.

WOMAN: Hi, sweetie.

How are those depositions coming?

They'll be ready.

Assholes.

Do you like your new boss, Mom?

No, I don't. Did you make out the list?

Kate needs a swimsuit. I need notebooks, pens and underwear.

I only have a half an hour for lunch,

so we'll pick out the shoes.

Then you can go buy the rest of the stuff.

I want red ones. All right.

Bright red ones. All right.

With a red strap. Yes, Katie.

I don't need any.

Charlotte, don't aggravate me.

You're starting school on Monday and those boots aren't.

What's wrong with them? Everything.

(SCOFFS)

...because I'm the best mother in the world.

(BELL CHIMES)

I'll be right with you.

Hail Mary, full of grace.

(MAN SPEAKING ON TV)

MRS. FLAX: Katydid. KATE: Let me try them on.

You must be Mrs. Flax.

Joseph told us that a nice Jewish family were our new neighbors.

Welcome to East Port.

Oh, God, please let Mrs. Flax control herself.

You're still a perfect seven, Reverend Mother. (CHUCKLES)

You know, most women's feet get bigger.

MRS. FLAX: Only if they marry.

Oh, no! You know, your feet swell.

When you're pregnant, your feet swell.

How could she?

I know mine got swollen when I was pregnant.

Mother, how could you say that?

She's a holy vessel!

What a lovely red shoe!

Thank you.

(MAN CHUCKLES) So, where are you ladies from?

I used to live in South Dakota myself.

Can you imagine, tryin' to keep kosher in South Dakota?

I can't imagine keepin' kosher anywhere.

Yeah.

Will that be all, Reverend Mother? Only one new addition?

Every year fewer and fewer of us now.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Flax.

I hope you enjoy living in East Port.

Yes, dear?

I wanted to ask what color her bra was

and if she always had pure thoughts, but...

(CHUCKLES)

Well, goodbye.

(DOOR OPENS) (BELL CHIMES)

(RETRO MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Well, she's got a pair that she likes. What about you?

I don't need any shoes, thank you.

Nice boots.

(BELL CHIMES)

MAN: Uh...

Maybe I'll see you at the parent-teacher night.

Maybe you will.

Oh. Good.

Yeah. I'd like that!

Yeah.

MRS. FLAX: Come on, Miss Katydid!

You'll be late for registration.

KATE: Bye, sergeant.

Bye, fish head.

Well, well, well. Look who's driving the school bus.

Why, Miss Charlotte, I do believe you're blushin'.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) MARY: Oh, come on.

Don't make such a big deal about it.

Just put it in your mouth and smoke it.

I can't. Mary, I'll throw up all over.

So?

How was your date with Scott Jones, Mary?

He's an animal.

(LAUGHS) Does that mean you had a good time?

We had oral sex by the old railroad trestle.

I love it when they groan. (LAUGHING) Don't you?

Mary, you're gonna get yourself into trouble!

I know. I can't wait. (LAUGHING)

Girls!

Put it in. Quick!

The bell rang five minutes ago.

Sorry, Mrs. Crain.

If she tells my mother, I'm dead.

(KNOCKING)

Noree? BOY: Here.

(DOOR OPENS)

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

Class, we have a new student today, Charlotte Flax.

I'm sure you'll do your best to make her feel welcome.

Charlotte.

Charlotte, right down there.

Charlotte Flax, right? F-L-A-X.

And Kent? Here.

Bye.

Talk to me, Joe. Please talk to me.

So how do you like the house?

Sorry?

How do you like the house?

I hate the house.

I was born there.

I love that house.

You were?

Under the kitchen table.

God strike me down,

but that's almost as good as a manger.

Give me strength not to sit on his lap.

Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

So was that you who carved "Red Sox" on the door?

That used to be my room.

I'm in his room!

When my mother died, I sat on my bed

for two days holding her sweater.

I didn't care about anything anymore.

Not even the Red Sox.

I'm gonna burn in hell for sure.

He's talking about his dead mother and

I'm wishing he was undoing my dress.

Okay!

That'll be Carrie. She sells cosmetics.

Oh. She's gonna love my mom.

Okay.

I was gonna ask... I was wondering...

What do people do here on the weekends?

Well, Sunday's my day off. Sometimes I go fishin'.

Really? I love to fish.

Well, sometimes I just sit by the water and think.

That sounds great too.

Well, maybe you and your sister...

Well, Kate's actually scared of the water.

Oh. But... I'd love to.

Well, I drive right by here on my way to the cliff, so...

What time?

7:00.

Okay. That sounds great.

Okay. I'll wait, for you.

Okay. Bye.

All right. Bye.

Know your colors and your fabrics.

That's what I tell all my little girls.

Honey, I would kill to have your hair!

Swimming's fine for your figure,

but it can damage your hair.

Anything for sharks and jellyfish?

What, dear?

She means body grease.

Kate's going to swim the English Channel one day.

Oh.

Well, honey, I'm not sure I have

exactly what you're looking for.

But try this.

It was meant for crow's-feet, but never really caught on.

You are finished.

Why don't you try the other side?

Tell me about that caretaker guy.

You know, the one at the convent.

You mean Joey? Is he handsome or is he handsome?

In high school, he was quite the golden boy.

No one could touch him on a football field.

Then in the middle of the season

of his senior year, he lost it.

He couldn't run to save his life.

His girlfriend had just left town kinda sudden.

My theory?

I believe there's a little Joey Junior walking around somewhere.

If I wasn't married to a real son of a gun, I'd go after him myself.

Joey, Joey, Joey. Entering a convent

for the sin of getting a girl pregnant.

A penitent man. Makes me love you even more.

Honey... You have very special eyes.

Only you and Liz Taylor can get away with those eyebrows.

Come on.

Let's put some color on you.

(LAUGHING)

This one's planning on being a nun.

CARRIE: A difficult age.

MRS. FLAX: All Charlotte's ages are difficult.

You never came to parent-teacher night before. Why this one?

Charlotte, you read the invitation.

Community begins in the classroom.

I am your mother.

It is my job to watch over your education.

There's so little of it left!

What took you so long?

Ooh, my favorite game,

"Who's the worst mother in the world?"

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Who could it be? Could it be me?

MRS. FLAX: All right, let's make a deal.

You stop being a little bitch for, let's say, an hour or two

and I won't knock the religion of your choice for a week.

CHARLOTTE: Deal.

MRS. FLAX: Who's that?

Mr. Crain, my history teacher.

He's very nice.

He is an asshole!

You haven't spoken to him yet!

Charlotte, I don't need to speak to him.

He's driving an Edsel, for Chrissake.

We don't have a prayer if you don't

release him for Saturday's game.

There's agendas here and refreshments in the...

Mrs. Flax. Hi. I'm glad you came tonight.

You have two weeks. I'm askin' for one day!

WOMAN: I'll think about it.

Hi, Mr. Landsky.

Hi! How are you? Is your mom here?

I've been meaning to get in touch... Hi!

How are you?

I'm good. I'm even better now.

Are any of these yours?

Oh, no. Mine are grown and long gone.

MAN: Lou! How're you doin'?

I'm fine.

And where's Mrs. Landsky tonight?

She's long gone, too.

Oh. So you're a widower.

Oh, no. She's just gone.

Oh.

Would you like some punch?

Sure. This way.

No, she just up and left one day,

right in the middle of vacuuming.

Didn't even switch the damn thing off!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

LOU : Is there a Mr. Flax?

No. He too made a rather sudden and unexpected departure.

Not in the middle of vacuuming?

No, I was in labor with Charlotte.

And, to add insult to injury,

the son of a bitch stole my car to leave in.

It was a great car. Red Buick convertible, white sidewall tires.

It still pisses me off.

It's kind of obvious it means a lot to you.

I remember the first time I got in that car.

I thought "Rachel, this is heaven."

Cars mean freedom.

If you hate a place, you can get in your car.

Poof, you're gone.

So your first love was a Buick?

Yeah. Before I met my husband.

Big mistake. One of many.

Are we talking cars or men?

I don't know. I've been taken for a ride by both of 'em.

(LAUGHS)

Mrs. Flax.

Yes, Mr. Landsky.

I, uh...

I try not to get involved with women

when the World Series is about to start,

but for you, I'd make an exception.

Should I take that as a compliment?

Oh, yes!

I would really like to know you a whole lot better.

So call me Lou.

So, Lou, call me.

How about Sunday?

I'm free all day.

How about breakfast?

Great! I'll bring bagels.

I'll be there.

So will I.

You see that woman there?

CHARLOTTE: Yes.

MARY: That's my mom. But when I grow up I wanna be just like yours.

Mary, you already are.

(LAUGHING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

CHARLOTTE: I'll make real sandwiches.

Big ones a man can sink his teeth into

and use both hands to hold 'em.

He's late. Oh, God, please don't let him forget.

Be patient as St. Bridget,

lady-in-waiting to Queen Blanche of Namur.

It's after 7:00, Charlotte. He's late.

I will not start the day with an argument.

I will tally up my week's evil thoughts and ignore her.

When a man's late, it's time to clear the decks.

(SIGHS)

No! What?

(HONKING)

CHARLOTTE: (HUFFS) Forget it. Never mind!

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(HORN HONKING)

Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Or don't do anything I would.

(KATE GROWLING)

(THUDDING)

(GROWLING)

Rachel Flax!

I wanna scream out the window like a maniac.

"I'm running away with the caretaker man!"

My speedometer's broken.

I'm tryin' not to drive too fast.

Well, after my mom nothing seems fast.

Now my lips are touching his.

She seems like a nice person.

Oh, yeah. She is. And a wonderful mom.

(EXCLAIMS IN GERMAN)

(LAUGHS) My whole life

I never saw anybody treat a bagel this way.

Where were you raised?

Well, believe it or not, my parents owned a kosher bakery.

They made me crazy, of course.

And the night I ran away from home, I stood in the kitchen,

cigarette in one hand, ham sandwich in another.

Why did you run away?

(HORN HONKING) I had my high-school diploma,

my first paycheck. Why stay?

Hi! Bye!

MRS. FLAX: Wait a minute!

Bye, Mom.

Bye, honey.

Bye, Mr. Landsky.

Bye.

(KETTLE WHISTLING)

Where'd you meet your husband?

In a writing class.

He liked my poems.

So we moved into a one-room apartment.

It was a dump, but if you stood on a chair

you could see Lake Michigan.

It must have been tough when he left,

raising a kid on your own.

I coped.

Um...

Who was Kate's father?

Are you always this nosy?

This nosy? Well...

Small-town boy.

I like to know other people's business. Do you mind?

No. When I mind, you'll know I mind.

It's kind of obvious.

So who was he?

Well, actually I never caught his name.

He came to St. Louis for a swim meet.

If he won he was headed for the Olympics.

You were on the same team?

No, I was the maid in his hotel.

And one night I delivered

more than his towels.

(LAUGHING)

You're a hell of a woman, Rachel!

I know.

Gosh, it's been a memorable breakfast.

I'm glad you liked it.

I didn't say I liked it!

I'm never gonna forget it though.

I'm sorry. No offense.

No. None taken.

Okay. Uh...

You, uh...

What do you wanna do? We got... We got all day.

Do you wanna go out someplace?

(CHUCKLES)

(STAMMERS)

Do you wanna go out someplace?

Not really. No.

(LAUGHING)

Do you wanna go out someplace?

No.

I'm fine.

(LAUGHING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

So, Joe, tell me about the nuns in the convent.

Do they wear underwear in the shower?

I don't believe I said that.

I'm always too embarrassed to take a shower after gym.

Mary O'Brien dances naked, screaming

about her boyfriend's quivering loins.

Shut up, Charlotte. Shut up!

The boat's down there.

Please, God, let him throw me on the ground

and make another Joey Junior.

(GASPS)

Okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.

I do wanna be good and virtuous,

but it isn't easy.

Come on.

(CHARLOTTE QUIVERS)

Do you wanna bait your own hook

or do you want me to do it?

Mary, mother of God. He still wants to fish?

LOU : What's funny?

You're a sexy guy.

Do you have to look surprised?

I am surprised.

Oh.

Sometimes age has its compensations.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

It's been a while since I've felt this good. Don't spoil it.

How long?

Too long!

You haven't been with anyone else? No.

You're lying.

LOU : I am?

Trust me. I know about these things.

Okay.

Okay, what? I'm lyin'!

I don't care.

Well, that's a shame.

'Cause lying's my main thing. I'll miss it.

Look, in my experience...

Which we know is considerable.

Men lie about everything.

But women don't.

I don't know about women, but I don't.

But from me you expect it?

Absolutely.

Well, when you expect the worst from people,

they usually deliver.

Are you always aggressive after sex?

You call this aggressive? (SCOFFS)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, yeah! Hey, this is fun.

Can we do it again next Friday?

You don't waste time, do you?

Life's too short.

I'm sorry I got so old before I noticed.

I'm never growing old.

Well, time catches up. What can you do?

Keep moving.

Well, I had a really good time.

Yeah, me, too.

Kiss me, Joe. Please kiss me.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Bye. Bye.

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

How was your date?

Uh, fine. We had a good time.

Great. So did we.

I hate it when she does that.

She's trying to break the world record.

I can't look.

If she's not up in ten seconds, call an ambulance.

MRS. FLAX: So when are you gonna see him again?

CHARLOTTE: I don't know.

Well, if I were you, Charlotte, I'd go easy.

I know you plan a celibate life,

but with half my chromosomes that may be tough.

Yuck, five seconds off.

(SIGHS)

CHARLOTTE: I must stop having impure thoughts about Joe.

I don't take the bus to school anymore,

but that doesn't seem to help.

Maybe if I figure out why I love him,

the sick feeling will go away.

I love him.

He has the most beautiful skin in captivity.

He wears moccasins in the winter,

even though his feet must feel like blocks of ice.

(KIDS SHOUTING PLAYFULLY)

ALL: Trick or treat! (RINGING DOORBELL)

Anything for Halloween?

MRS. FLAX: Yes, I got wonderful prizes for you!

GIRL: Toothpaste?

BOY: Hey! Toothpaste!

Toothpaste?

All right! It's magic toothpaste! Mom...

Magic toothpaste.

Bye! Hey, hey, wait! Miss Kate! In the house.

Come on, Mom!

Put your goldfish lips in the house.

Bye!

(BLOWS WHISTLE) Okay! Come on! Let's do it!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

They're big!

I know, I know.

All right, team! Yeah!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Swimmers need quiet, please!

Swimmers, on the block.

(SCATTERED CHEERING)

Take your marks.

(FIRES STARTING PISTOL)

(CHEERING)

LOU : A regular Esther Williams.

Mrs. Flax! Coach Parker. It's so nice to meet you. Hi, Lou.

I don't have to tell you how proud we are of Kate.

I think she has Olympic potential.

But that won't surprise you!

Not at all.

Does she get it from you?

Not at all.

(CHUCKLES) Nice job, dear.

Thanks, Coach.

Bye, Mrs. Crain. Bye, Coach!

Bye, dear!

MRS. FLAX: Lou, they're terrible.

Hey! (LAUGHS)

I said painting was my passion.

(LAUGHING) I didn't say I was good.

Hey, girls, you gotta back me up here!

Did you ever once hear me say to your mother that I had talent?

No. No.

I rest my case, okay?

Now, will you stop being a pain-in-the-ass critic and pose for me?

Yes, but if I look like that, you're dead.

Trust me.

Girls, follow me.

Already I feel inspired.

I'll show you where you're sleeping. Ladies.

Okay? Yeah.

Forgive me if I don't linger,

but when the muse calls, the artist has to jump.

Good night.

He's nutso.

Yeah! (CHUCKLING)

♪ With a hey, mambo! Don't wanna tarantella

♪ Hey, mambo! No more-a mozzarella

♪ Hey, mambo! Mambo italiano!

♪ Try an enchilada with the fishy bacalao... ♪

I did Sophia from memory.

I've never worked with a live one before.

(LAUGHING)

Now this is fun. Hmm?

Don't you think this is fun?

Oh. Cleo, baby.

That is not very regal, huh?

(RAINING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

CHARLOTTE: Sometimes I feel like

you're the child and I'm the grown-up.

I can't ever imagine being inside you.

I can't imagine being anywhere you'd let me hang around

for nine straight months.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING SOFTLY)

What's wrong with this picture?

Compliments of Mrs. Landsky.

She's frozen Lou's meals for the next decade.

Good morning.

Good morning.

What a good morning.

This is for you. Oh, thank you.

How did you sleep? Did you weather the storm?

Yeah. Fine, thanks.

This is how you normally eat breakfast together?

Yeah. BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

Oh.

NARRATOR: The time is autumn, 1621.

The place is Plymouth Plantation,

an English colony in Massachusetts.

This is a harvest feast, a thanksgiving.

To share the harvest, the Englishmen

have invited their friends, the Indians...

(SOBBING) Oh, God!

...for games and contests of skill.

Oh, dear God!

What is it? Martha?

The President's been shot!

(STUDENTS MURMURING) What?

The President's been shot!

(MURMURING)

MR. CRAIN : Benny, turn that off!

Listen, listen.

REPORTER: Governor Connally was shot in the upper left chest

and the first unconfirmed reports say

the President was hit in the head.

That's an unconfirmed report that the President was hit in the head.

(SCATTERED SOBBING) The President's wife walked into the hospital

at her husband's stretcher side.

A Dallas newsman was riding shortly behind

the President in the parade.

After the shots were fired, he looked up

at about the fifth or sixth floor

of the Texas Book Depository.

He said he saw the rifle being pulled back in...

CHARLOTTE: I want my father.

Please, God, I wanna speak to my father.

WITNESS: ...20 feet away from the President.

REPORTER: Tell us exactly what you saw, sir.

WITNESS: He was coming down the street.

My five-year-old boy and myself were

by ourselves on the grass on Palmer Street.

I waved and the... The man...

REPORTER: That's all right, sir. Go ahead.

As he was wavin' back, the shot rang out and he slumped down.

His wife reached up toward him.

And he was slumpin' down and the second shot went off.

It just knocked him down.

REPORTER: Two shots? WITNESS: Two shots.

Did you see the man who did it?

No, sir. I did not see the man who did it.

I'm sorry...

I can't help you more, but... I won't forget.

REPORTER 2: Here is a flash

from the Associated Press. Dateline, Dallas.

Two priests who were with President Kennedy

say he is dead of bullet wounds. Oh.

There is no confirmation,

but this is what we have on a flash basis from the Associated Press.

ANNOUNCER: (OVER RADIO) The men have administered the last rites

of the Catholic Church to the President.

President Kennedy has been assassinated. It's official now.

The President is dead.

Women here in shock, some have fainted.

Two Secret Service men standing by the emergency room,

tears streaming down their face.

There's only one word to describe

the picture here, and that's grief.

And much of it.

It's official, as of just a few moments ago,

the President of the United States is dead.

(CHILDREN SHOUTING PLAYFULLY)

CHARLOTTE: It feels like there isn't a single adult left on the entire planet.

Oh, God, what were you doing? How could you let this happen?

(CONVENT BELL TOLLING) (NUN SOBBING)

I miss my father. I wonder if he's watching television.

Maybe he's in the jungles of Brazil

and doesn't even know what's happened.

(TOLLING)

The old man who did this job before me,

he had Indian ways.

He could stand so quiet, his heels together like a little dancer.

(SNIFFLES)

(SOBBING)

The world's gone crazy.

I know.

I know.

(SOBBING)

(GASPS)

(BELLS TOLLING)

(GASPING)

My Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil. Amen.

In 1990, the age of space will be entering its second phase,

and our hope's in it to preserve the peace,

to make sure that in this great new sea, as on Earth,

the United States is second to none.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(RUNNING WATER)

CHARLOTTE: Everyone's crying about the President.

I've turned into a fallen woman and no one can tell.

I've been as bad as I can be.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and in a holy place.

I kissed him.

I will starve myself until I purge every

sinful thought about Joe from my soul.

(CHARLOTTE PRAYING)

(SIGHS)

(CONTINUES PRAYING)

The sins of the saints never go unpunished.

Joan of Arc got burned at the stake.

What are you gonna do to me, Lord?

Flagellation? Mutilation?

LOU : I bumped into Mr. Crain on the way, leavin' Sammy's house.

MRS. FLAX: The old witch woman? Charlotte, dinner.

CHARLOTTE: You think about it. Get back to me.

LOU : He's wanted a baby real bad.

I guess he's tryin' one of her love potions.

Wish I had trouble conceiving.

I just have to hang my clothes next to a man's suit.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, Lord, no. Anything but that!

(THUDDING)

No more fasting. You're driving me crazy.

I'm pregnant!

Lord, how could you do this to me? How could you be so strict?

Are you okay?

All right. Eat and get some rest

and we'll talk about this tomorrow.

Mary didn't even kiss Joseph and look what happened to her!

Oh, Lord, what have I done?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

CHARLOTTE: Can I talk to you?

Sure.

(DOOR OPENS) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well...

Hello? Is there anybody there?

Just give me a second. I'm trying, Mom!

What? I wanna tell you.

What?

I may be pregnant with the next Jewish-Italian messiah.

What? Nothing.

Charlotte, what is the matter with you?

What is happening in your brain

when you sit there, not moving, not speaking?

What?

What? What?

Dad, you're the only person who can help

and you're never here. Where are you?

Oh, God...

Joe doesn't know where she is. We better get back.

She's angry, that's okay. Blowing off steam, that's okay.

But taking my car, that's not okay! That's going way too far!

Did she talk to you about anything bothering her?

Lou, I'm her mother. If something bothers her,

I'm the last person she'll talk to.

She's a teenager. I'm amazed she talks at all!

(SIGHS) Where in the hell can she be?

CHARLOTTE: ♪ Onward, Christian soldiers ♪

I wanna lead a violent and exciting life!

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(DOG BARKING)

Excuse me, sir. I was out for a spin

and I'm having a bit of engine trouble.

Who is it?

Honey, it's all right. It's just a young girl.

I'm a shepherd who's lost my flock. (CHUCKLES)

Do your folks know where you are?

Oh, yeah! They know exactly where I am.

Especially my dad. He's that kinda guy.

CHARLOTTE: Charlotte, you're talking like a crazy person.

MRS. FLAX: Lou, I'm glad you're here, but I don't need you to stay.

I'll always be here for you.

Okay, I won't always be here for you.

Just sometimes. If I feel like it

or I happen to be around. Is that better?

She's doing this to turn my hair white.

She has a problem

and she's probably too frightened to talk to you about it.

Why would she be frightened?

Rachel, you can be a little abrasive!

Shit, even I'm scared to talk to you sometimes!

She's a kid! Don't ride her too hard!

I don't need a lecture on parenting from you!

That's it! When she comes, I'm leaving.

No wonder she runs away from problems! Listen to yourself!

Are we having a fight? Yeah!

Why? It relieves the tension!

Yeah!

(SIGHS)

The discotheques, which are nightclubs,

have been very popular for years in Europe and South America.

Paris has about a hundred of them.

We're now looking at the frug.

A combination twist, patty-cake and hitchhike.

That's Killer Joe, society's favorite dancing teacher.

Killer Joe is also available, he told us,

as a party stimulator.

Do you like pancakes? Yeah.

Thank you.

CHARLOTTE: A real, live father actually living

in the same house as his wife and kids.

They're perfect. This is like television.

Thanks.

Maybe they'll adopt me.

Do you like bacon?

Oh, yeah!

How about sausage? Mmm. Mmm.

Toast?

I love toast.

Thanks!

What's your name?

Sal.

How could you lie to them? They're being so nice to you.

Sal what, dear?

Val. Sal Val.

Uh-oh.

My parents love rhymes.

We stay up late every night thinking of new ones.

Me, Mom, Dad, Sis and my big brother, Al.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello? Yeah.

She's all right. She's in New Haven.

Yeah. Could you give me that address again, please?

When I was little, we lived in Brazil

and we owned this big diamond mine.

And my father would dance with me all the time.

We would just dance and dance,

right in the middle of the jungle. (CHUCKLES)

And me and my sister, she has these beautiful long red curls...

(DOORBELL RINGING) ...and she likes to wear this crown thing.

And we would make this pear wine...

We would take the bottles and hang them from tree branches

and write on them with diamond dust...

Charlotte?

MAN: Bye. BOY: Bye.

Goodbye. Bye, Val!

GIRL: Bye! WOMAN: Bye, dear.

(CLATTERS)

Do you have the slightest idea

what you have just put me through?

(CLATTERING)

I thought you were kidnapped. I thought you were dead!

I thought you were laying someplace

chopped into a million pieces.

Go to your room! I can't talk to you now.

If I talk to you right now, I'll kill you!

Okay.

I've had a little Scotch. I'm real calm.

So tell me, Charlotte, what's going on?

You don't get it, Mom. I think I'm pregnant.

It may be the Lord's child.

Are you trying to make me crazy?

You wouldn't understand.

You don't believe in religion, or anything.

Why were you running? Running away doesn't solve anything.

(SCOFFS)

I'm a grown-up. I don't run away. I move on.

If something is bothering you, tell me what it is. Maybe I can help.

How bad can it be?

Look, I'm really tired. I just wanna go to sleep, okay?

Charlotte, you know,

sometimes being the mother really stinks.

I don't always know what I'm doing.

It's not like you and your sister

came with a book of instructions. (SCOFFS)

If I can help you, tell me!

I'll give it my best shot. But that's all I can do.

(SIGHS)

Where's Charlotte?

She's in her room. Somewhere on Mars.

What did she tell you?

Nothing.

Maybe her school counselor...

Mrs. Crain? Are you kidding?

That woman couldn't find her ass with both hands.

Has she done anything this strange before?

Well, she did get sent home from school one time before.

(SIGHS) For licking chalk off a blackboard.

God, her tongue was yellow for a week.

What did she do that for?

She read in some book that some saint

had a vision after licking a wall.

The teacher sent home a note that said

Charlotte had psychological problems.

What did you do?

We moved.

Oh.

(WAVES GUSHING)

(SEAGULLS CALLING)

CHARLOTTE: Hi. JOE: Hi.

I heard you ran away. You okay?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

You wanna talk about it?

It's kinda complicated.

Okay.

I was worried.

Joe, tell me about your girlfriend.

My girlfriend?

There's nothin' to tell.

Did you love her?

Yes, I did.

But her family moved away

and I never got a chance to see her again.

People in town talk as if

something happened between us, but it didn't.

Joe, do you like babies?

Babies?

Sure. I love babies.

Someday I hope to have a whole bunch of 'em.

(BABIES WHINING)

Joan Ark?

Hello, I'm Dr. Reynolds.

How do you do? Actually...

First time here?

I just had a question...

How's school?

It's great. I wish we had it on weekends.

(WHIMPERING)

How old are you, Joan?

What? 18.

Is everything okay?

I mean, is there anything inside me?

(CLATTERS)

Just get dressed and come into my office.

(GROANS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Joan, has your mother ever talked to you about sex?

Please, God, I want to die.

Yeah. All the time.

So you know how babies are conceived?

Oh, yeah. Uh...

We talk about everything. She's a wonderful mother.

Then why did you think you were pregnant? You're still a virgin.

I want to die now. Right now.

(CHORUS SINGING)

Okay, it's crazy to think that one kiss could get you pregnant.

But how would I know?

What about the Virgin Mary? And look at St. Perpetua.

She got transformed into a man,

fought with the devil and walked on his head.

Weird things happen.

Hi. Hi!

(BELL CHIMES) How are you?

Can you do me a favor?

I need to go to Boston on a jerk errand for my boss.

Could you give the girls dinner?

Yes. I got a great pot roast in the freezer that Sophia left.

Sound good?

Anything hot and not shaped like a star sounds good to me.

Very funny. You're sounding a lot like your sister

and I'm not pleased with that.

The Crains are having a party for New Year.

Did you get an invitation? Mmm-hmm.

Well, I'm going. Will you be there?

Lou, it's a costume party. What do you think?

Go.

As what?

A goldfish!

(LANDSKY LAUGHING)

Well, you're a big help!

(BELL CHIMES)

Charlotte?

As always, it was a pleasure.

ALL: ♪ Oklahoma! Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain

♪ And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet

♪ When the wind comes right behind the rain

♪ Oklahoma!

♪ Every night my honey lamb and I... ♪

MRS. FLAX: Where is everybody?

ALL: In here!

MRS. FLAX: Well, where's... What is this?

Hey, you guys, what's going on in here?

My friend Esther Williams wanted to know

what it feels like to sleep in the ocean.

Her wish being my command, hey presto!

Wall-to-wall ocean!

You're certifiable, you know that? (KATE LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) I'm hangin' around with the right family.

Let's show her! Yeah.

I'll do it.

You wanna do it? Yeah.

(GASPING)

Oh, my gosh...

That is so neat!

It's beautiful.

LOU : How's that? The bottom of the ocean.

KATE: Flying fish and everything.

CHARLOTTE: Wow! LOU: It's good.

Oh, dinner! Dinner's ready. Dinner!

Let's eat! I'm so hungry.

CHARLOTTE AND KATE: ♪ Oklahoma! Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain

♪ And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet

♪ Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain ♪

You did all of that in one evening and cooked dinner?

Charlotte we have to thank for the dinner.

A feast to put Sophia to shame.

Where did you learn how to do this?

Home economics.

If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach,

there's hope for you yet.

Personally, I never found that to be true.

Mom? Yeah.

What do men care about?

Astroturf.

According to Lou, it'll ruin baseball.

Not to mention the civilized world as we know it.

So if you ever wanna have a boyfriend,

I suggest you start caring about it, too.

Mom? Yeah?

If you marry Lou, he can be our dad.

We already have one, Katie.

I've never seen him.

And he wouldn't make me an ocean.

Can we sleep over? Please?

No. No!

Please? All right, I'll think about it.

You should have two forks.

Why do you need two?

Know what we did if we used the wrong fork when I was a kid?

We went out back and stuck 'em in the ground.

Even if it was frozen solid.

We used to call it the hardware garden. Can you believe it?

A kid in school had an uncle who died

and got sprinkled in the garden.

That's nothing. St. Margaret of Antioch

got eaten by this dragon and it burst.

When I die, I wanna be sprinkled in the ocean.

I don't care if a whale eats me.

I could live inside a whale like Jonah.

Girls.

What if you get a whale with no living room

and end up in a tuna fish sandwich?

Who are they?

KATE: Once a man came to dinner and took his shirt off.

Like we were in a nudist colony.

Oh, I remember!

He kept taking quarters out of your ears.

Why did he take his shirt off?

I think he didn't want to spill his dinner on it or something!

KATE: Can I have some of the cranberry sauce, please?

LOU : Who wants some chicken?

What's happening here?

What usually happens when families sit down

to a meal together. They talk!

Cranberry sauce?

Who wants some chicken? I do.

I'd love some!

(DOOR OPENS)

Wait.

I never said you could do this.

Do what?

Let Kate get so attached.

(CHUCKLES) That's so terrible?

Yeah. This is not your family.

If you wanna get closer to me, dial direct.

But don't do it through my kids.

Never in my life have I wanted to hit a woman

the way I wanna hit you now.

When you are wrong, you are so wrong, it's scary.

Your whole life, you never did something

just to make somebody happy?

What is it that you want from me?

A little trust would be nice!

And if you care about us, would it kill you to show it?

What do you mean, us?

Since when did you and my children become us?

You're just you, Lou.

Okay? Me and the girls, that's us!

I was talkin' about you and me.

(SLAMS DOOR)

Well...

(SIGHS)

CHARLOTTE: Mom, if you don't come out soon, it's gonna be New Year's Day!

You're gonna miss the party.

MRS. FLAX: Here's a little something.

(SHRIEKS) Whoo! An arm!

This year, Mom!

MRS. FLAX: All right, here's a little more!

Are you ready?

Come on, Mom! Come on, this is boring!

One, two, three! Here I am!

You're a mermaid!

No, I'm a lumberjack, a car salesman!

You're beautiful too! Thank you.

You know, if I'd had this costume when you guys were little

I would've done my ironing and all your diapers in it.

(GIGGLING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, my God!

Could this be the mermaid bus?

I can tell by my mermaid watch that

it's time to get into my mermaid car

and hit the mermaid road.

And get the mermaid outta here!

You get my mermaid coat.

And you get my mermaid keys.

Oh, my God!

Oh, I don't think I'll be fresh for the party.

(GROANS)

Bye, Mom! Have fun! Bye, Mom!

CHARLOTTE: Bye! Goodbye!

Have a good time! I will!

KATE: Goodbye, Mrs. Mermaid!

Goodbye, Miss Junior Mermaids! I will!

(CHARLOTTE AND KATE LAUGHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Thank you.

Where's that handsome hunk of a husband of yours?

Out front, talking baseball.

He just bet 20 bucks they couldn't name

three players that batted over 400.

Hey! Buzz! I'll be right back.

Buzz! Ty Cobb, Joe Jackson, Nap Lajoie! You owe me 20 bucks.

KATE: Last day ever, ever of this year.

CHARLOTTE: Do you wanna make some resolutions?

What are resolutions?

They're sort of like wishes.

I wish I could swim forever.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I wish I'd known Anne Frank.

And I didn't lust after Joe so much.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Oh, put that right here. Boy, can we use that!

Stick around and have a drink? It's almost midnight.

Sorry.

Hi, handsome. Nice caretaker's costume.

Hi, Joe.

Hi, Mrs. Flax. You look very nice.

Mrs. Flax? Yes?

I think it's time you and I had a little dance.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Little Bo-Peep.

Honey, can you help us with these?

Now spin me.

Yeah, okay.

Watch my tail. I'm sorry.

All right, I'm on pins and needles. Did you win the 20 bucks?

What do you think? I'm planning a little pilgrimage.

Lourdes?

No. Cooperstown. Ask me why.

No. I'm gonna tell you anyway.

I thought you would. Yeah.

The Baseball Hall of Fame.

Before I bite the dust, there's three things that I want from life.

To touch Lou Gehrig's glove.

To be in Florida for spring training.

To take you with me on both trips.

Well, two out of three, that's not bad.

Okay, ask me in a couple of months.

You mean if you're still here.

MR. CRAIN: Two minutes, everybody!

Get some champagne! Come on!

Hey, turn up the TV!

WOMAN: Streamers? Does everybody have a streamer?

(CHUCKLING)

What are we gonna do, Rachel?

About what, Lou?

This relationship.

What's the matter with it?

It's stuck.

It has to move or it has to end.

It can't just stay the same.

You know, Lou, ultimatums don't sit really well with me.

CARRIE: Noisemakers?

Thank you, Carrie!

No? No. Thank you.

What if I asked you to marry me?

First I'd remind you that you're married.

And then I'd write. From New Mexico.

Live with me.

No.

ALL: Ten, nine, eight,

five, four,

three, two,

one! Happy New Year!

(ALL CHEERING)

(NOISEMAKERS RATTLING)

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot

♪ And never brought to mind

♪ Should old acquaintance...

Well, so far 1964's a big drag.

Are you coming home with me?

Another night.

Happy New Year!

♪ We'll take a cup of kindness yet

♪ For auld lang syne ♪

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Hey, Joe! I think my car's dead!

Can you help me?

Yeah, sure.

Good.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Thanks for the ride, Joe.

Sure. You bet.

Sorry.

Oh, could you help me? I have a little trouble with this tail.

Happy New Year, Joe.

You kissed him!

You kissed him! How could you do that?

How could you let her kiss you?

Charlotte, for God's sake, it was just a little New Year's Eve kiss!

You don't believe in New Year's.

I know.

Hey! What are you guys fighting about?

Nothing!

Everything!

Get back in the house before you freeze your butt off.

Is Charlotte gonna run away again?

God willing. No, just kiddin'.

Did you have a nice time?

I had a lovely time.

Are you gonna stay out all night, Miss Poopy Face?

Why did you let her?

I mean, she kisses everybody, don't you know that?

It doesn't mean you're special.

It doesn't mean she likes you or anything like that!

She doesn't like anybody!

(PANTING)

(HUMMING)

Okay, Mom. You wanna drive Lou away, that's your business.

You want Joe, that's war.

(GRUNTS)

(CHARLOTTE HUMMING)

♪ You give me fever

(WATER SPLASHES)

♪ Fever ♪

Care to dance, Mrs. Flax?

Mrs. Polka Flax.

She's gonna kill you if you put those on.

Go back to your rocks, Kate.

Okay!

Act your age, not your shoe size.

(CHUCKLES)

Who's this?

Know your colors and your fabrics.

That's what I tell all my little girls. (LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Katie, shall I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

I'm in love with Joe Peretti.

Do you kiss each other? Yes.

On the lips?

Yes.

Like Superman and Lois Lane?

Well... (CHUCKLES)

What's it like?

Well, sometimes when you kiss a person, it's like nothing happens.

It's like you're kissing your hand or something.

(SIGHING) But when it's someone you love...

I know, there's chemicals.

You mean chemistry, fish head. Oh.

Okay. How do I look?

Like someone drew all over you.

(SIGHS)

Let's celebrate. Cool.

♪ Never knew how much something

(VOCALIZING)

♪ I care ♪

Ugh!

What are you doing?

Sucking out the pimentos.

They give me hernias.

(LAUGHS) You mean hives, fish head.

Hit me, sergeant.

Okay, but you can only have one and you have to sip it.

♪ Fever

(HUMMING)

(VOCALIZING)

♪ You give me fever ♪

(KATE HICCUPPING)

Tell me about when I was born.

Aren't you sick of hearing this story?

No.

Okay. (HICCUPPING)

You were born in a hospital in Minneapolis on a cold winter's day.

And when Mrs. Flax brought you home, I pretended you were mine.

Where was Pop?

I don't know.

(CONVENT BELL TOLLING)

Come on, I'll show you the convent.

(HICCUPPING)

(GIGGLING)

Finish the story.

I'll show you the tower. You've never seen it.

(KATE GIGGLING)

(HICCUPPING)

(CONTINUES HICCUPPING)

(RUSTLING)

Look, there it is. Isn't it neat?

Neat.

I wanna go up. I'm gonna go up.

Not me. I'll fall off.

No, you won't.

How will you get up there in those shoes?

I'll manage.

I'm gonna go collect rocks.

Okay. I'll be right back, so don't go anywhere.

Okay. Okay. Bye.

(GROANS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(PANTING)

(PANTING)

(SCREAMING)

(GASPING)

(GASPS)

Oh, God! This is real.

This is really real.

(SIGHS)

(SCREAMS)

WOMAN: Joseph! Joseph! Quick! Hurry!

Get her inside.

Katie!

Joseph. Get an ambulance.

(SOBBING) Katie!

Katie! Katie!

Katie... Katie...

Katie, please don't die! Please don't die!

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Joe, take Charlotte home. We'll call when there's news.

Tell Lou.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(SOBBING)

(SNIFFLES)

(SNIFFLES)

Katydid...

(SIGHS)

You were born in a hospital in Minneapolis

on a cold winter day.

I brought you home

and Charlotte pretended that you were hers.

She even tried to make you call her "Mom".

(SNIFFLING)

(VOICE BREAKING) And we... We...

We tickled your ears and we watched you sleep.

And the only thing that...

(SIGHS)

The only thing that we ever agreed on

was that you were a wonderful child.

(SNIFFLING)

(QUIVERING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

LOU : Charlotte? Charlotte?

She's gonna be all right.

They're keeping her in one more night for observation.

(SIGHS)

Your mother's on her way home for some clothes.

(CHARLOTTE'S BREATH QUIVERING)

(SNIFFLES) She's okay.

She's okay.

You look different.

You look beautiful.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Take care.

You, too.

Okay. Bye.

If you're smart, you'll just stay away from me.

(SLAMS DOOR)

I mean it.

You wanna take the book for her?

What the hell were you thinking about, huh? She could've died!

Your sister, who you were supposed to watch, could've died!

What was she doing there? What were you doing?

I know what you were doing.

The whole goddamn town knows what you were doing!

Mom? Mom!

I'm warning you! I'm angry! I'm crazy angry!

Don't walk away from me, Mom!

You're not gonna walk away from me!

I am not invisible!

Talk to me! Now!

Yes, I made a mistake! Yes, I am really, really sorry!

It was a big mistake! I know that!

You make mistakes! You always screw up and we pay for it!

Every time you get dumped! Every time you dump on somebody!

And it's just...

It's not fair, Mom! It is not fair!

God!

(SLAMS DOOR)

I am sick and tired of being judged by you. You're a kid!

When you're an adult you can live how you want!

But until then we're gonna live my life my way!

Start packing.

No! I said pack!

This move is on you! If lover-boy doesn't like it, too bad!

This is not about him! This is about me, okay?

That's over! He is gone! He has left!

Surprise, surprise!

It's not like that!

Maybe your life works for you but it doesn't work for me!

I wanna stay! And do what?

Finish high school!

Great! What's your major? Town tramp?

No, Mom. The town already has one.

(SIGHS)

You know, you're just one year younger than I was when I had you.

If you hate my life, why are you doing

your best to make the same mistakes?

How do you feel about this guy?

I thought I loved him.

That sounds familiar.

I thought you were gonna take him away.

(SNIFFLES)

Did you love my father?

Yeah. I did.

(SNIFFLES)

What was he like?

Oh, he was charming and...

He made me feel really special for about a minute and a half.

And then he was gone.

What did he look like?

He looked like you, only taller.

I don't have any pictures.

We took some at the wedding and they didn't come out.

I guess I should've known then.

He's never coming back, is he?

No.

(CHUCKLES)

Has he ever even seen me?

Yeah, he did once. You were about four.

He wanted us back?

No, he met some other woman and he wanted to get married.

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFLES)

How do you feel about Joe leaving?

(SCOFFS)

It's fine.

Well, I guess it's a little bit too late

for our birds-and-bees talk, isn't it?

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Mom...

Can we... Can we please stay?

I don't know. There's gonna be so much talk.

This is such a small town.

Well, you know, there's always talk.

It's just usually it's about you.

I'm sorry.

(SIGHS)

Just for a year. Just give it a year.

Okay?

I don't know.

(SNIFFLES)

CHARLOTTE: Mrs. Flax promised she'd try and stay put.

I knew that would be a hard one for her to keep.

But three months later she and Lou were still sparring.

He took us to the Baseball Hall of Fame, his idea of heaven.

Mom was kinda bored,

but we thought she hid it quite well.

This... This is Lou Gehrig's glove. You see that?

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Okay, you touched it. All right, guys.

Hey... Come on!

KATE: What's for lunch?

LOU: If they squeeze your toes, chew 'em for a couple of hours.

Softens 'em up real nice. You don't believe me?

Eskimos do it all the time. Their wives do it.

Would you do that for your old man?

I don't think so.

Bye-bye. (LAUGHING) Bye-bye.

Hey, gimme a break!

I'm a nice old man.

I'd watch it if I were you, Lou.

I might decide to move to a real city.

(SIGHS) I hate all these trees and weather.

Ta-ta.

She won't admit it, but they get along real well.

Yeah. Trees and weather can really get to a person.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(MURMURING)

BOY: Let me take these for you.

CHARLOTTE: I got quite a reputation for a while.

Even Mary O'Brien was impressed.

It's not easy, but I'm trying to keep romance on the back burner.

Joe moved to California and opened up a nursery. We still write.

He sends me funny little postcards

with pictures of palm trees on them.

Greek myths are my new passion.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hi.

Charlotte, we're not Greek.

Kate's back in Olympic form.

But since the accident, sometimes her hearing gets fuzzy.

I think I heard Mom say she'd be making a main course tonight.

BOTH : Nah!

♪ If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

♪ Never make a pretty woman your wife

♪ So from my personal point of view

♪ Get an ugly girl to marry you

♪ If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

♪ Never make a pretty woman your wife

♪ So from my personal point of view

♪ Get an ugly girl to marry you

♪ A pretty woman makes her husband look small

♪ And very often causes his downfall

♪ As soon as he marries her then she starts

♪ Doin' the things that will break his heart

♪ But if you make an ugly woman your wife

♪ You'll be happy for the rest of your life

♪ An ugly woman cooks your meals on time

♪ She'll always give you peace of mind

♪ If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

♪ Never make a pretty woman your wife

♪ So from my personal point of view

♪ Get an ugly girl to marry you

♪ Don't let your friends say you have no taste

♪ Go ahead and marry her anyway

♪ Though her face is ugly and her eyes don't match

♪ Take it from me, she's a better catch

♪ If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

♪ Never make a pretty woman your wife

♪ So from my personal point of view

♪ Get an ugly girl to marry you

♪ Say man Hey, baby

I saw your wife! ♪ I saw your wife the other day

♪ Yeah?

♪ Yeah, she's ugly She was ugly!

(BOTH LAUGHING) ♪ Yeah, she's ugly but she sure can cook, baby

♪ Yeah, all right

♪ If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

♪ Never make a pretty woman your wife

♪ So from my personal point of view

♪ Get an ugly girl to marry you

♪ Don't let your friends say you have no taste

♪ Go ahead and marry her anyway

♪ Though her face is ugly and her eyes don't match

♪ Take it from me, she's a better catch

♪ If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

♪ Never make a pretty woman your wife

♪ So from my personal point of view

♪ Get an ugly girl to marry you

♪ If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life

♪ Never make a pretty woman your wife... ♪

MRS. FLAX: Hey! What are you doing with that in here?

KATE: Indoor swimming?

MRS. FLAX: No way. Take it outta here.

KATE: Mom.