All language subtitles for Love a-la-Carte (2014)_en

-[Voiceover] In the
beginning, there was 1967.

Casual sex was born
and celebrated.

Men and women everywhere enjoyed

a new sense of sexual freedom.

But by the end of the 70s,

there was a terrible buzzkill

and the party was
over for everyone.

Then came the 80s,

and casual sex suffered further
under President Nancy Reagan.

-F'ing Canadian!

-[Voiceover] But
that too did pass,

and the 90s brought
forth another revolution,

casual sex under reprieve and
a new sense of acceptance.

During this time, Al Gore
invented the internet.

Electronic mail and
personal advertisements

were soon targeting an
unsuspecting public.

Millions began connecting
with others unknown

for the sole purpose of
instant personal gratification.

This modern marvel
soon turned wicked.

And spawned the
philandering creature,

the married man.

This is his story.

* The penis is the
loneliest of animals

* Wandering here and there

* Roaming around
from town to town

* Beneath a nest of hair

* You may think
his life's a breeze

* Easy and carefree

* But sometimes it gets very sad

* If it's not where it should be

* It should be in a vagina

* It should be in a vagina

* Life don't get
much funner yeah

* That's the way it is

-Hello?

I'm home.

Anybody?

Mom?

(speaks foreign language)

You promised!

(hushes)

(speaks foreign language)

Can you feel how
happy you make me?

-Ooh la la.

-I know where we can go.

(moans of pleasure)

(speaks foreign language)

I think my brother's watching
scrambled porn again.

(speaks foreign language)

Busted!

(screams)

Mom?

-You're home early!

-[Voiceover] This is Diane.

-Hello (laughs).

-[Voiceover] Married for
19 years, three kids,

all of them couldn't tell
you when it was her birthday.

Diane met Phil's three
requirements for casual sex,

human, alive, married.

-Which is pretty pathetic
when you consider

there's eight million
people in Naked City.

You'd think I could find
at least one married

woman who'd want to F word.

-[Woman] I need
to use the phone.

-Wait just a minute.

-Why can't you remember
to lock the front door?

-I left a set with
Gene in the car.

-What are you doing?

-Online.

-Playing web games again?

-No, shopping,

for your birthday.

-It's a little early
to be shopping for
my birthday isn't it?

-Well, Lordy Lordy,
here comes 40.

-[Woman] Don't remind me.

-Who do you need to
talk to so urgently?

-Look, I'm tired of
competing with you

when I need to use the phone.

-I'm working on
getting an upgrade.

-We must be the last
family still using dial up.

-You're the one that's
all about saving money.

-Then I surrender, Ok?

We need a better connection.

-How about a high speed fiber
optic cable for your birthday?

Wouldn't that be romantic?

-I'll make it easy for you.

All I want is a vacation.

-Is that all?

-Yeah, get off soon Ok?

(moans)

-Everyone has an excuse.

I do.

-[Voiceover] Phil
liked the applause.

-All right?

-[Voiceover] Phil
liked saying yes.

-[Phil] Of course you
deserve a loan without

any verifiable income.

-[Voiceover] Phil
liked being appreciated

for doing what Phil
was expected to do,

day after day, week after week.

-Sorry but you're much
to responsible for
a loan modification.

-[Voiceover] Year after year,

being the hero,

-Need a jump?

-[Voiceover] Phil was
happy with his row.

For Phil, it was a fair
trade for true love and

happy penis.

-Absolutely!

-[Voiceover] Then at some
point the applause lessened,

appreciation waned.

But Phil was fine with this
life of quiet desperation.

As long as Phil
was getting laid.

-[Doctor] Please,
please, have a seat.

(unclear) for the pleasure.

-What did you say?

-Easy now, just relax.

-[Phil] I think I'm
gonna get a (mumbles).

-You 42?

-37.

-I think you are a
little young to be in

for a prostate exam, aren't you?

-Well, I thought
it'd be a good idea.

-How long have you been married?

-[Phil] 12 years.

-Long time.

Do you have regular intercourse?

-Almost always, so boring.

-That's not what I meant.

-I try to get backdoor,
she always says no.

I know why now.

Are we almost done?

-Oh course, yeah, yeah.

Yep!

Do you have regular ejaculation,

like daily, weekly, monthly?

-Why are you asking me this?

-Because see your
urine sample test

always indicates excessive
amounts of seminal fluids.

-[Phil] What does that mean?

-It's not healthy.

See, your body constantly
manufacturers sperm.

And when you don't
ejaculate regularly

semens is absorbed
back into the body.

This creates stress
on the testes,

which in turns
harms your prostate.

-English?

-Blue balls kill Phil.

Call me for a follow up.

-[Phil] Come on honey,
doctor's orders.

-[Woman] I would prefer not to.

-If I don't get a blowzoe joe,

I could get prostate
cancer and die.

-Prostate cancer?

You're pathetic.

-It almost killed
America's favorite mayor.

It wasn't 9/11, you know.

-Go jerk instead of
blowzoe joe, I'm tired.

-I love you.

-Good, then you understand.

-[Voiceover] One day, Phil
realized he's made love

more times to himself this year
than he had with his spouse.

-You can't turn your
wife on, who can you?

-I can't go to sleep
because my penis

is harder than Chinese calculus.

-Age, sex, location?

-37 and married
but not dead here.

-Who's on the down low?

-Don't let your small
phallus ruin your sex life.

-Barely legal student
needs hot release.

-Wanna go primate?

-Wicked, wicked--

-Having a huge lovestick is easy

with a miracle herbal solution.

-Isn't this room for
married people only?

-Freaks in the doctor.

-That means you, and you.

-Where are the cyber windows?

-Hey stud!

-Wrong, wrong!

-Sexy slut with big yam
yams wants to drain you dry.

-Sounds inviting, wanna cyber?

-You bet hun, just
cum to my website.

$39.99 per month gets you easy--

-Burn in hell!

-How about a lube job?

-You're nuts!

-[Voiceover] Gene and
Phil each married about

the same time in
their early 20s.

But whereas Phil
volunteered for the war,

Gene was drafted.

-Isn't your wife turning 40?

I mean all the
checkout magazines says

she should be
getting her freak on.

-Yeah well at this
stage of my marriage,

being married is
like being in prison.

-No it's not amigo.

-Oh yeah, there's more
sex happening in prison.

-You and Evelyn Ok?

-Well, we're good cellmates.

-I know what you're
thinking, don't do it.

You can't lie.

-I can lie.

-Yeah, what's the biggest
lie you ever told?

-I do.

-If you start telling yourself
there's ways outside of

your marriage to find
happiness then you're done.

You wouldn't like it if
she was doing it to you.

-Wow, I totally
lost my erection.

-Good, 'cause there's nothing
better than having someone

to love you unconditionally
for the dog you are.

-Don't play moral
superiority with me,

you've been there too.

-Yeah and I pray to God I never

make stupid like that again.

-Plus, there's dog in all men.

You know who gives
birth to dogs?

Bitches.

-You're not listening.

-What should I do?

Buy more lotion for
my hand callouses?

-You find a way to make
her want to show up

and play ball with you.

-Like how?

-I don't know,
flowers, massage toys,

some sort of romantic bullshit.

-I'm already married,

why should I have to
keep doing that stuff?

-'Cause if you're lucky,

'til death do you
part's a long ways off.

-Why wasn't the
front door locked?

-Sorry, I forgot.

-You forgot?

Where's Benjamin?

-Babysitter.

-Why?

-I really need to tell you?

-Yes.

-Well, because I want
to seduce my wife

and touch her inappropriately.

-Well she's married.

-Then it's a sure thing.

-Come on baby, giddy up.

-Where's the towel?

-You need one?

-Didn't you cum?

-I had an orgasm.

-There's nothing there.

-You don't have to ejaculate

in order to have an orgasm.

-You faked your orgasm?

-They're two separate
things Evelyn.

It's a biological fact.

-I don't believe this.

-I had fun, didn't you?

-You know what?

Never mind.

-Why do I get the feeling
you'd rather be reading a book?

-It's only because of
you sex is the most

important thing in the world.

It's not with me.

-Tell me why.

-It's called life, Phil.

People change, we
evolve, get grey hairs.

Tits sag, balls
droop, what the F?

This is a surprise to you?

-So I'm the odd one here?

-You think I'm strange?

-No, I just want to know why

you don't find me
attractive anymore?

-Here's a secret, shh,
don't tell anyone Ok?

Are you ready?

You are attractive to me.

-Then why is our marital
sex life such a train wreck?

-I didn't say it's not.

It's rather ordinary,

what we're working through
is nothing special.

-So that's the way it has to be?

For better or for worse?

-Easy with the daddy drama,
you don't have it so bad.

People living in other
parts of the world,

you have bigger
things to worry about.

-I don't care about that.

I only care about what's
happening in my world.

You know, what's
happening right now

and why you're not in it.

-God, give me a
break you ass hat!

I'm the mother of your child.

-Well don't blame this on Benji.

I'm not just another
chore (unclear) mom.

-Just stop, stop
pushing my buttons.

It's not attractive!

-Ok.

Maybe we should see
another marriage counselor.

-Again?

Good luck finding one
that's not divorced.

-Don't you think we should
talk to somebody, anybody?

-How is someone that we don't
know gonna help our marriage?

-Yeah but maybe a stranger
is exactly what we need

to figure things out.

Oh boy!

* Rewind the clock

* Tick tock erase
the shock of our gang

* Change all the names

* Shift the blame

* I'm not the same girl you knew

* I'm over you all over you

* We were so blind some times

* Forward crying for romance

* No second chance at this dance

* Our circumstance was the clue

* I'm over you all over you

* But the joke is on me

* And it hurts when I laugh

* Defense is all gone

* And there's no
second half to regret *

-Greetings, I'm a
college graduate.

I'm unemployed, racked
with debt, but hey

I can do pushups with my tongue.

-When I think of
my special someone,

I think of you,

in handcuffs,

gagged,

with a butt plug in your ass!

-What do I like most in a woman?

Without a doubt, my dick!

(speaks foreign language)

-My man must be willing
to urinate sitting down,

fold towels into thirds and
prefer two percent milk.

-I will be your master,
you will worship me

and beg for forgiveness.

But there will be only pain!

-Internet personal ads
are nothing but pleas

of desperation from lazy people.

-But I found this
website Love a la Carte,

it's a fancy clearinghouse
for people stuck in

relationship quagmires.

-Yeah and it's not for
you because, I don't know,

because you're already married?

-Don't throw away the car
just 'cause the muffler's bad.

-No, I don't.

But I also didn't make a
vow to a 63 Dart either.

-So by commensurating
with other married women

through internet personals,

you know you're married,
they're married,

and the rules are clear.

-What rules?

-Family first.

-Yeah, what's second?

-Everything else.

-Are you gonna write the ad?

-Why not it seems like
a little anonymous

harmless fun to me?

A little easier now, you
did it once upon a time.

You want in?

-No, I like having
sex with one person.

I'm sentimental that way.

-Hold on, it's not just
about getting laid.

If I wanted to buy a
whore, I'd do that today.

-Yeah, for now all
you can afford is me.

-I just want to know what I
can do to be desirable again.

What I can do to be appreciated?

What can I do to get
a little applause?

-What if Evelyn was
doing the same thing,

looking for a Sancho?

-What if my ding dong
grew six inches, Gene?

-Aren't you a little
worried about the husbands

of these online wives?

-No, the husbands are
more worried about why

their wives are
cheating on them,

than who they're
cheating on them with.

-You tool.

You're going to hell.

-Yep and I'm taking over, drive!

Come on, this is
gonna be worth it.

Countless babes on the
internet just couldn't wait

to get (mumbles).

(screams)

(grunts)

-[Voiceover] Phil's quest
wasn't for any female

but a married one, therefore,

he must think smarter
than a single man.

-A married man shouldn't search
for dates online at home.

That's why you have
the internet at work.

-[Voiceover] Phil
knew most husbands

were easily replaced
by science and plastic.

But with the internet,

a married man can learn a
lot about how to succeed,

in the tryst trade.

So Phil visualized the prize

and created a road
map to getting there.

-How can something
so impersonal,

salvage a personal dilemma?

-[Voiceover] Phil
new most men failed

because they sold themselves
from their perspective

and not a woman's.

Phil would not make
the same mistake.

-Let's be honest,

you and I both have long
term commitments elsewhere.

We realize that our time
on this planet is fleeting.

Like you, passion with that
person has hit rock bottom.

Yet, you're not willing to
roll over and play dead either.

That is why I'm hoping
another married woman

will consider
responding to my ad.

To her I'd say this,

"You and I are a rare breed.

"A small target market in
a very complicated game.

"But if you're willing
to take a chance

"at how to play that game right,

"I'm willing to
discuss it with you,

"at lunch."

Now your first thought may
be to quickly turn away.

But maybe tomorrow

or the next day

you'll reconsider that long
neglected desire within.

Yes, yes you can have it all.

Your public moments elsewhere,

your private moments

with me.

See I don't wanna get
to the end of the line

and wonder if I missed
a chance for magic

while I can still pull it off.

For us it may be that
it goes no further

than that lunch date.

But what a thrill,

what a thrill it
would be to think

it almost did.

(cheers)

Old Mother Hubbard

-Old Mother Hubbard

-went to the cupboard

-went to the cupboard

-to fetch the poor dog a bone

-(mumbles) poor dog a bone.

-Your vibrator.

-[Voiceover] Greeting from
Love a la Carte your ad was

declined, you have
zero messages.

You are rejected!

-[Child] Daddy?

-and when she came there
the cupboard was bare.

-And so the poor dog had none.

-How's life in the internet
fast lane, any luck?

-It's early.

-What, no replies?

Poor baby.

I guess it's confirmed
then, you suck.

-Just fix my car so I don't
have to see you again, Ok?

-(laughs) You put so much work
into creating that fantasy,

maybe you should apply some of
that knowledge on your wife.

-You know what,

maybe you should lick a
dog's ass until it bleeds.

-(laughs) Yeah, call me foolish

but risking so much just
to have sex with someone

who means absolutely nothing

is asinine.

-You're right.

-What?

-You heard me,
don't bust my balls.

-Of course I'm right.

And you're wrong, no matter
what's going on in your marriage

you have the responsibility
to create opportunities

to deal with problems
and fix them.

-Yeah, well your point is moot

if you're the only one
who thinks it's a problem.

Apparently, this
is my own dilemma.

-All right, here's what you do.

You find a massage parlor
that's giving happy endings

and while you're there,

have them pluck that wild
hair out of your ass.

-This isn't just about the sex.

-Then it's worse than I thought.

-This marriage of mine,
it's way underwater.

My wife, she's a fish

and I'm drowning.

Where's my bailout?

-Shide for it, Phil.

-I want my bailout.

-You know,

there is more than one
woman out there for you

but trust me

you don't want to
meet 'em, not now.

Not ever.

-Well, if Love a la
Carte can't help me,

there's always alcoholism.

-Yeah but what you wanna
justify is living a lie,

it's cheating.

-As long as it's
not a lie to myself,

I don't see the problem.

-I'm sorry to hear that.

I wish there was something I
could say to change your mind.

Or your wife's.

-Thanks but don't blame Evelyn.

It's not her fault
she closed with me.

-Such a mad existence.

Living in the shadows,

the darkness is gonna come,

so will the hurt.

-Yeah, well at least
I don't have company.

* I'm sick of here alone

-You look like the kind of
man that could use a woman.

Am I right?

Am I?

-Yeah man, I'm really Jonesing.

-What would it take

for me to put you
inside of a woman today?

-I don't know, what do you got?

-I got it all son.

Freaks in heat, Pollys
wanting crackers,

what you need baby?

-Something discreet.

-Discreet?

-Yeah.

-Discreet like, "I'm
legal in 34 states" or

discreet like, "This
don't make me homo right?"

(laughs)

-No, discreet like
she's married.

-A married woman?

Why?

-Because I'm married.

-Oh sir, you sicken me.

Have you no regard for
the sanctity of marriage?

You made a promise to your wife,

to be faithful, to be honest,
to cherish your relationship.

You said, "I do."

You accepted the wedding gifts.

You made a commitment to your
woman before God Almighty,

'til death do you part.

Well hallelujah!

Are you ready to die?

Answer me, are you ready
to die today motherfucka?

-I'm dead already.

-And the phoenix
shall rise again.

-Go home Phil it's
three o'clock!

(message alerts)

-[Voiceover] Greetings
from Love a la Carte.

-(reads) Thank you for writing.

We love the honesty
of your letter.

Very cute pic,
like to hear more.

(rejoices)

-[Voiceover] Amongst humans,

the alpha male is
harder to recognize.

-You're married, I'm married.

Is this nuts?

Is this the wildest
thing you've ever done?

-Defecating on my husband.

Those were the days, I
really miss them you know?

-[Voiceover] Due to the nature

of the sexual conquest mandate,

the human alpha male must
forever remain discreet.

-You seem nervous,
are you nervous?

-What if those people
ask you about me?

-I'll say hey you nosy bastards,

it's just some man I hooked
up with on the internet.

How's that?

-But we're also married.

-I'm not married.

-You're not?

-No, you are?

You naughty boy.

-Yes, yes that's why in
my relationship status

I checked discreet, so did you.

-Yeah, that's right.

-Why?

-I never got as many
dates with my ad

when I said I was single.

-[Voiceover] The
prudent alpha male hunts

where conquests are plentiful
and commitments are not.

Therefore, he doesn't
trust anyone under 30.

-Well then, you
know the situation.

Would you like to
take it further?

-As far as it can go handsome.

-Let me go pay so we can leave

and I'll buy a short
term spot nearby

where we could hide a few hours.

-You know Hotel Taliri?

-Yes, you know the place?

-I have a room there,
when I'm providing,

I stay there during the week.

-Providing?

-Would you rather
link to online account

or pay me in cash later?

-[Voiceover] In conclusion,
a human alpha male

is a man who wins
copulation rights

with as many women as possible

by constantly paying for and
manufacturing new romances.

-I've got this.

-[Voiceover] Thereby
avoiding the expectation of a

monogamous relationship
and thus denying a woman

the victory of
becoming his wife.

-Females.

Fee-males, oh I get it.

-Get what?

-Nothing.

-Did you know that cyanide
smells like raw almonds?

-[Phil] No.

-You use (mumbles) so much,

maybe we should
get you a gas mask?

-Yeah.

-When do you get your car back?

-I don't know, can't rush Gene.

-He certainly takes
his sweet time

to finish what he's started.

-I guess.

-Enjoying the show?

-Saving money.

-He loves me.

(gunshot fires)

(gasps)

-You know what, the bottom line
is that the egg has to have

a chicken to keep it warm
so how would you not?

(stammers)

I don't know how
the chicken just--

-I don't even speak English
so I don't even know

what you're talking about.

-You don't speak English?

-No.

-Well just agree with me,
just nod your head a lot.

-Ferrous and
non-ferrous materials?

-Excuse me?

-[Phil] You must be Angela.

-Thanks for showing
up, I'm Phil Anders.

-Thanks for meeting me
without seeing my picture,

you're taking a big chance.

-I was?

I got to tell you, I'm
a little surprised.

You're nothing
like you described.

-I didn't sleep very
well last night,

and my eyes must be bloodshot.

-No, it's not that, I
mean, you shorted yourself.

-I had a nervous
stomach this morning.

-No, you're more beautiful
than you described.

I mean my God, you
are (mumbles) hot!

Come on, it's windier
than hell out here.

* No longer I'm involved

* I'm no longer

-When your kids are growing
and gone, so is your youth.

-Yours are eight and nine?

-Yes, how old's Benji?

-He's five.

-You have pictures, ugh!

I don't have mine with me, I
left them in my other purse.

-That's Ok, next time.

-He is so handsome.

What a beautiful little boy!

Looks a lot like you.

-I know.

He's taller but I
have all my teeth.

-What's this?

Oh!

Here's everybody.

-Yep, that's them, happy family.

-I can certainly see why
you'd stay with your wife.

-Great!

Maybe you can explain it to me.

-I really like our
play dates together.

-Yeah but don't
tell anybody, Ok?

-It's like I'm a teenager
again and I'm skipping class.

-(whispers) Come on.

Here we are!

-Here's what?

-The Eastern Mythology section.

-Your favorite place
in the bookstore?

-It is now, it's where
we had our first kiss.

(heart beating)

-Too soon for a threesome.

-I better be going.

-[Phil] I don't want you to go.

-[Blonde] Phil, I have to
pick up my son from school.

And you have to
get back to work.

-I'd rather be working on this.

-Phil, you're making me dizzy.

-Just dizzy?

-[Blonde] Phil, please.

-When did you decide to do this?

-I liked your ad,
you sounded sincere.

-No, I mean

after so much time of
putting up with your husband,

when did you decide
to sub plan him?

-Sub plan him?

-Wow, now that's a
nice parking spot.

We should have parked, damn!

-I'm not subplanning my husband!

I think you mean to
ask me, "Why do this?"

Why would anyone do this?

-I feel like Moses.

-Moses?

-Yeah.

I mean he wandered around
the desert for years.

It was hot, he was
probably thirsty,

Of course he was Jewish.

I mean, I'm not Jewish but

I'm circumcised.

But don't ask me why.

-Moses?

-You and I,

it's like we're
lost in a desert.

I say we make it rain.

-You've really
thought about this.

-Yes, I have.

-My best answer is I'm bored
as fuck with pedestrian penis.

-That's a good answer.

Angela.

Don't let me think I'm in love.

* Gotta get out of this town

* Gotta get my
feet on the ground

* Small talk is cheap with
the friends that I keep

* I spread a little
stories around

* I gotta get out of this town

* Feeling like an
old hand me down

* Paid all my dues now
I'm left with the blues

* And lately all
I wear is a frown

* I've been around
for a year and a day *

-Well, hello stranger.

-I think your husband
might need these.

-You came all the way across
town just to drop off keys?

-Nah, I had other
business in the ghetto.

-Yeah, what kind of business?

-None-ya business.

-None-ya business!

You're a better mechanic
than you are a comedian.

* Desire is lost

* And isn't anywhere to be found

* Gotta get out of this town

* I'm getting tired
of running around

-So I hear your big
birthday is coming.

-[Evelyn] Don't remind me.

-What's that term?

What do they call
women in their 40s?

-A MILF?

-Yeah, well we both
know that's not true.

-Yeah, maybe for your wife.

(laughter)

-A cougar, that's it.

Yeah, you'll be a cougar.

-I hate those trendy
demeaning terms

they come up with for women.

-I thought it was a compliment.

-That's because you're a man.

-Ooh, kitty likes to scratch.

-Really I just rather everyone

forget about my birthday.

I bet Phil's planning
something special.

-You'd lose that bet.

-You know he talks
about you a lot.

I mean it's obvious, he really
wants you two to be happy.

-He could have fooled me.

-Well, that's just because

it requires major energy
and focus for some men to

show even the simplest,
loving gestures.

-And yet for some it's so easy.

-Yeah but,

Phil's your man now.

And well when you show him you

appreciate what he does for ya',

it makes him feel like he's won.

-So now, we're keeping score?

He has to feel like he's won

in order to be happy?

-All the time.

He won you.

-He won the booby prize

and it turns out,

I got second place.

What about life on my terms?

-These are the terms.

You are damsel in distress.

And he's the hero rescuing you.

-Well maybe I
prefer the bad guy.

-I know it hurts.

But

what's happened in
your marriage is past.

You can still be happy
with Phil again, you just

you need to remember,

what all you have together.

-Is that what you tell yourself?

-Everyday Evelyn.

Everyday.

-[Phil] Did you like college?

-Yes, it was fun, I used
to dance, do you dance?

-Evelyn and I haven't
been dancing since

God, since the
Christmas work party.

-Christmas how intolerant.

Don't you mean holiday party?

-Forgive me, infidels.

Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa
-What are you, sit down!

[Phil] Happy Ramadan!
-What are you doing?

What about being discreet?

-I'm sorry, I just
feel so alive!

-Oh my God, my (mumbles).

-It's your fault.

-My fault?!

-Yes, you turn me on,
I feel so powerful.

-Come on you're a married man--

-I hold my power.

Behold my power.

-[Blonde] Where is
your off switch?

-[Phil] Behold it.

-My, you're a
handful aren't you?

-There's a man crossing central

and you're holding my penis.

-We shouldn't, I mean
we could get caught.

-It's a couple ordering escargot

and you're holding my penis.

-I can see my bridge
room from here.

-And you're holding my penis.

-I want you so bad.

-You're turning me into
somebody I don't even recognize!

-Don't mess up this (unclear).

-Ok.

(screams)

-You didn't plan this very well.

-I'll get us a room.

-There's no vacancy,
I already checked!

-Serendipity at last!

-The penthouse suite.

(thunder roars)

-It's been raining.

-That is most certainly correct.

-You know those black
shoe laces you got me

to replace the
ones I already had?

They're too short.

-That's a shame.

I'll take them back.

-Too late.

-I suppose it is.

-I'm just being realistic
about our situation.

I realize at any given
moment it can all end,

no strings attached.

-You're afraid of me, why?

-Think about how we met?

Why we keep seeing each other?

Sooner or later with
that kind of intimacy,

we're bound to have feelings.

I just don't want to see
either one of us get hurt.

-Men, you're all a
bunch of pussies!

-How did you meet your husband?

-[Angela] At work,
back in college.

Remember I told
you I was a dancer?

-Right, so nightclub,
bartending?

-No, not like that.

He was in the front office
of the pro football team.

I was on the dance
squad for five years.

-You were a professional
cheerleader?

-I was even in the Superbowl.

My parents said they saw
a close up of me on the TV

and right before the credit
card graphics rolled,

it covered my face.

We lost.

-Oh God!

I've hit the mother-load!

-You can keep that.

I was gonna give you the
calendar but it's not even good

for another four years.

Phil?

Surprise!

Happy Birthday!

-I'm still 39 for
two more weeks.

-That's a surprise.

-Plane tickets to my sister's.

-Drink all the boxes
of wine you want.

Sit in her hot tub
until you prune.

-Why did you get
me plane tickets?

-(internal voice) 'Cause I'm
trying to get rid of you.

You said you wanted a vacation.

Why spend all of it driving?

-I don't know.

What about all that security
screen now, it's brutal.

-It's not brutal, it's smart.

And if it was me going,

I'd ask them, how much
for extra groping?

-Why aren't you in with us?

-You know I can't stand

being around your crazy sister
for more than a weekend.

Plus, I've got to work.

-Doesn't seem right though,

living our lives
in parts like this.

We should be together.

-What do you call 12
years of marriage?

-We should want to be
together not because we have

a kid or a dog.

-Look, I miss ya' already.

I just thought you
might like to get away

from everything that's
going on around here.

Including me.

-Would you miss me if I was gone

forever?

-Wait a minute!

How did we go from happy
birthday to this inquisition?

-I was checking out
this woman's website,

some of the bloggers
had some ideas about

what keeps a relationship fresh.

-You've been online?

-Of course, isn't everybody?

-That makes two of
us if I ejaculate.

-Hey, you're gonna have a lot
of free time on your hands

while I'm gone, are you
gonna be a good boy?

-Of course, what
else would I do?

I'm a married man.

-What are you doing?

-Marking my territory.

Give me that!

-Everyone must
evacuate the building.

Go to staircase Z,
(foreign language).

-What the hell was that?

-Rebel Rousers in the perimeter.

Rebel Rousers in the perimeter!

-Rebel Rousers?

-Oh snap!

-Can you see
anything down there?

-Only martyrdom and glory, Phil!

Glory, hallelujah.

-Was that a Mountie?

Where is staircase Z?

What the hell is a Rebel Rouser?

-(unclear) reform now man!

-[Mountie] You there--

-Hey, hey, don't tase me bro'!

(screams)

-He pissing in his pants,
he pissing himself.

Go Canada!

-Anarchy at last.

-I'm gonna need a new intern.

All these single people.

And I thought
everyone was married.

-One hundred unmarried women

for every 86 unmarried men.

-Lucky for those
guys that are gay.

-Yeah, and they want
to be married too.

-What's the point in being gay
if you're gonna be married?

You just wasted the best
part of being a homo.

-Yeah, you're right.

Why should gays be allowed
to sully the sanctity of a

breeders only
marriage institution?

-You get to be
promiscuous by default.

You've been given a
pass, nobody cares.

-Are you jealous?

Or curious?

-You try being like
that as a married man,

you're branded a piranha.

-I know one good thing about
being married and faithful,

I'd sleep like a
monkey flying baby.

-But Gene, all this power
at your finger tips?

You don't like what
you got, wait a day.

They'll be a hundred new
ads for you to consider.

You can always trade up.

-You're never gonna be satisfied

if you're always looking
for the next best thing.

-I don't see it that way.

I see dreams coming true.

Fantasies fulfilled,

wishes granted.

I can be of service

to all these unwashed,

single masses.

-Of service?

-Who am I to deny
these women me?

-You're smoking now?

-I don't inhale.

-You're not a martyr, Phil.

You need to get off this
power trip that you're on.

-But Gene,

this kind of power
makes it your world,

not God's.

-You're only this confident
because you already

got what you really want.

-Sex equity buddy,
that's what I got.

-Yeah, if you were single,

you wouldn't be so
sure of yourself.

LMFAO, I've been to Superbowl,

I know what I talk about?

What?

-All your bases
are belong to us.

-Phil!

-Don't talk to me in all caps

because you don't have the
balls to do what I'm doing.

You know guys like you,

they tell their wives to
put the toilet seat down.

-Your car is finished.

So are we!

-I know you.

I know what you want.

You want

what I can be.

(laughs)

-What do you want?

-All of them!

Nice, very nice.

-All these women have
seven email minimums.

That should say, responding
to your single ad.

I know you most
certainly aren't married.

You can see any one
of them right away.

-Thanks.

You've been a great help.

-Yes, that's supposed
to be this way.

-What is?

-Well, you're not playing fair.

-I'm just giving
them what they want.

They have demands

and I'm the supplier.

-You must realize that

no one is the owner
of their instincts?

But controlling them,
that's civilization.

-You must realize they're beyond
being judged by hypocrites.

(mumbles)

-These people, they don't
advertise themselves

so they can get used.

They do it so they can
meet somebody cool.

Somebody they can spend the
rest of their lives with.

-And in the
meantime, there's me.

* Did it fly away

* Where did our love go

* I gotta get it
back with me someday

* Where did our love go

* I need to find it right away

* Lady where did our love go

-Wowee zowee Polly.

-Are you Canadian?

-No.

-I hate Canadians.

-I'm not Canadian.

-What's the capital of Canada?

-Arizona.

-Ok, let's go.

-Check please.

-[Voiceover] That'll be 10.70.

(screams)

-The Obama weeps!

-Daddy go make me some eggs!

(farts)

-A healthy sexual
relationship combats insomnia

and relieves pain.

-So it was good for you.

-Quite the workout.

I think I just
lost three pounds.

-You're welcome.

-[Voiceover] For Phil,
living his life a la carte

made perfect sense.

-Now you have it all.

You've got a monogamous
relationship with

four different women.

Keep it simple, keep it moving

and keep on hunting.

Remember this,

if you're the type of man
that's not paying attention

to his wife,

beware the dog that will.

-[Voiceover] Phil was in the
fantasy fulfillment business

and business was good.

* I look for the answers

* I look for the truth

* I sense complications

* From the remnants of you

* I'm searching for something

* And I don't ask much

* I'm longing to break free

* But I do need your touch

* And the easy life

* Is all that I'm hoping to find

* It's that easy life

* Find a man with some money

-Lordy Lordy look who's 40.

* And become his wife

* Easy life
-Easy life

* Easy life
-Easy life

-What's it like having
sex with your husband?

-He's not your type.

-I mean, how am I
different than him?

-You're not asking
me how you measure up

with my husband are you?

-No, of course not.

Size doesn't matter
to men, that's a myth.

-Talk about your buzzkill.

-I'm sorry.

You just seem so easy to enjoy.

I don't want to make
the same mistakes

your husband made with you.

-I prefer not to
answer that question

while you're still inside of me.

-Just curious that's all.

-Husband sex, ooh the humanity.

-Hey hey!

(whoops up)

Who's your Easter Bunny?

(grunts)

(unclear) cowboy!

Give me the chance.

(cap gun pops)

Touchdown!

-Ugh, sorry I asked.

-You needed to know.

-Look,

I'd just like to apologize
for all husbands everywhere.

-I can't accept your apology.

-Thanks.

-Sure it's not the
same for your wife.

Right?

-So Evelyn, tell us
about your vacation.

You went to your sister's?

-For a little more
than two weeks.

-Wow, how did you maintain?

-Maintain?

-You know.

-Two weeks isn't that long.

-So what's your secret?

How are you both able
to control yourselves

when you're not together?

-You're making the assumption

that we're actually having sex!

How can you possibly
miss something

when it's not there anymore?

-Phil!

-Evelyn!

-Oh well maybe uh...

Honey where did you say
those terrorist live?

-It's my own damn fault,
this is the life I chose.

I only did what
everybody else did.

I foolishly gave up myself

in exchange for a marriage
Nirvana that doesn't exist.

-What?

-We're gonna need a bigger boat.

-It was unrealistic
to begin with.

But I'm Ok with that now

because there is no Santa Claus.

There's no homosexuals in Iran

and there's no way out
of this sexist quagmire

we call marriage.

-Are you telling me
you want a divorce?

-Abandon ship?

-No, wait a minute.

You two might hear something
that will help you.

We're terminal.

You still have a chance.

-How are we terminal?

-We're lazy, we're
business, we're roommates.

We're tired, we're bored,
we're siblings, we're lazy.

-[Evelyn] You said
that all ready.

-We're married.

We're not lovers.

-That sounds like
you're blaming me.

-I said, "We."

-I know what you're
really saying.

I know you.

And you want an explanation.

Well here it is!

It's the quality
of the connection
outside of the bedroom

that makes married sex good.

Once you figure that out sex
will come easier than you do.

-One hand washes the other.

-Get that hand to do
more than washing honey,

-[Gene] Phil!

-then we'll talk.

-That's the woman I love.

-It's so easy to cop out to
some obscure connection issue

that's typical female
rationalization
for being frigid.

-How hard is it for
you to be a man?

Your righteous sense of
entitlement makes you think

that all the answers
to a healthy marriage

can be solved with an erection.

-Where did you get that idea?

-From you!

You're so focused on
one part of our marriage

that you completely
missed the bigger picture.

-Ok, I agree with you.

Men are pigs,
what's your excuse?

-I've got swine flu.

-[Voiceover] The bed Phil
laid in became uncomfortable.

-If your wife doesn't
want to have sex again,

-[Voiceover] He had to change.

-why would I?

Fucking Canadian!

Ok, you were right!

-Are you listening to me?

Phil--

-[Voiceover] Phil knew
that there was room

for only one female
in his heart.

-You're breaking up with me?

Oh bollocks, look I
can pay you in euros.

-[Voiceover] Phil would
commit now to only one woman

before the only one
committed was himself.

-You did all this for me?

-Thought you might enjoy it.

-It's a little more high profile

than what I'm comfortable with.

-Don't worry about it.

All right, this is for
us, it's a real date.

We're out there
and we deserve it.

-Wish you would
have asked me first.

-Where's that coming from?

-It's nice dating like
we're a legitimate couple?

That's beyond our
original agreement.

-What do you mean?

-It crosses a line.

You should be here
with somebody else.

-Yeah well, my wife
wouldn't enjoy this.

-Maybe not, maybe one of
your other girlfriends might.

-I don't have any
other girlfriends.

-Phil, I kept three other
personal ads running.

You wrote them all.

Same cut and paste intro
from you every time.

-Why'd you do that?

-Because I'm smart.

I'm smarter than boys.

-So why didn't
you say something?

Why did you let me
embarrass myself like that?

-I was on vacation.

-So what?

-Relax.

-I answered some ads but I
don't have another girlfriend.

-I hope you had fun.

-Why doesn't it bother you?

-Because it proves my point

that you don't believe in the
fairytale monogamy either.

That's what made me choose you.

I felt honest with you.

-I suppose you'd be wanting
your underwear back now.

-What I want is to keep
things simple, just sex.

You're the perfect man for that.

-So you're saying I'm shallow?

-Uncomplicated.

All of this,

is complicating.

-I hoped things are
different between us.

I thought we cliqued.

-We did clique,
we double cliqued.

-I need more than that.

-Oh no, you didn't?

Did you?

-I did what?

-You did!

-I did what?

-We had a deal!

-What deal?

-Don't let me think
I'm in love with you?

Remember?

-Yeah, I remember.

-No, you don't remember.

-Wait a minute.

(dramatic sigh)

-Goddammit Phil!

I am not going through this
again with another man.

-Don't leave.

All right, I can change.

-I don't want you to change.

I don't want you to love me.

-I don't love you.

-Like hell you don't.

-I like this one.

Do you like this one
(gibberish) very much.

What's this say?

What's this say?

What's this say momma?

Momma?

Momma?

-At least I still have hands.

Delete already.

All profiles?

Oh my God!

-Could you please
explain why your family's

personal ads have
crashed all the computers

on the 22nd floor?

-No.

-Hey Phil?

Aren't you married?

-[Phil] Yes.

-Is your wife?

(laughter)

-Our employees don't
do such things.

(razzing)

-[Voiceover] This
is Evelyn Anders.

And this is her story.

The following visualizations

were culled from
the Anders web log.

Now defunct.

-[Voiceover] I haven't
had sex in months.

Even Mother Theresa had
doubts about her man.

I can't say that
Phil is the problem

or any man.

My problem has no name.

-Be that as it may,
you've lamented

in all of our sessions the fact

that your husband
likes Bill Clinton

for all the wrong reasons?

-Yes.

But even the King of England
wanted to be a tampon.

-Are you defending
your marriage to him?

(exaggerated sigh)

-I prefer not to.

-You may be surprised you know,

many others share your problem.

Some studies show
infidelity exists

in 60 percent of
all relationships.

-Is this all?

What you dream about?

What's really there?

-So how did you find
yourself a part of this

problem with no name?

* Ice cream soda
pop cherry on top

* Who's your boyfriend
let's find out

-[Voiceover] From the beginning,

Evelyn resented the
idea that little girls

should use their happiness
on a handsome prince.

-G, George is your boyfriend.

-No, not George.

-George is your boyfriend.

-Why can't I be best friends?

(unclear)

-[Voiceover] Her
dissatisfaction began then too.

-The men in my
life never matched

the heroes I saw in movies

or heard about in love songs.

-Reality bites don't it?

-You're one to talk,
Mister President.

-So I may have shared
my bed with another

dude in my youth, big deal!

The LA winters
are freggin' cold.

And the summers
are hot, hot, hot!

-Fall colors in Arizona,
simply beautiful.

-This is my favorite
place to travel.

-How do you cope with
society's opinion of

what you should be and who
you really are, Black Jesus?

-I remind them that I
called everyone my brother,

likes gospel music and
couldn't get a fair trial.

-Just talking about
it doesn't work.

-Then, get their
attention somehow,

Old Testament style!

-I wish I was that
brave, but I'm not.

Everyone gets married because
it's a check box in life.

Anyways, I'm much too
much of a coward to be

selfish and single.

Every guy that ever liked me

just long enough to
get into my pants.

-Then you need to find out not
why someone should get married

but why they don't get divorced.

-Thank you, I know
just who to ask.

-Hey, you shook my hand.

That's a hand job, (whoops up)!

(laughter)

-So, mom, dad 42
years of marriage,

was it worth it?

-The fellatio could
have been better

but all in all, I
would wager it was.

-He's an ass clown but he's,

he's my ass clown.

-But you two argue all the time.

-He just gets this way
around his offspring.

You know, he has to feel like
he's the cock of the walk.

-Here's another hot flash
grandma, I don't either.

-Why do you sleep
in separate rooms?

-Why not?

-Because we can.

-It's not what you'd expect.

I mean you suppose
to be married,

together.

-Our independence
makes our togetherness

more bearable.

-Did you ever think
about divorce?

-You mean today?

-Sure, especially when he
was thinking with his dick.

-Well, why didn't you
divorce back then?

-When your dad had
his girlfriend,

I knew it was partly my fault.

Sex was so important
to him, but not to me.

-I'd like to kick the
guy who invented those

boner pills right in the nuts.

-See men can't blame
themselves for why

they're cheating on their wives.

So they don't think
cheating's bad,

but let their wives fool
around then they'd understand.

-I remember wishing that you
would have gotten a divorce,

I was so sick of being
around all the arguing!

-It would have been
worse on you kids

if we would have split.

You don't know it but
I did you a favor.

-Why did you let him stay, mom?

-I knew I could have
castrated him financially

and found somebody new

but why would I ever want
to train another man?

Screw that!

-And what do you have
when the shiny hotness

wear off your lover?

Just another wife?

-Plus he's this close
to a slight stroke.

Maybe then he'll shut up more
when I spend his retirement.

-[Dad] Cheers.

-[Voiceover] One day it was the
4369 day Evelyn was married,

-This isn't working.

-Any special requests?

-Let's just do it.

-I wanna try
something different.

-Like what?

-Relax, close your eyes.

-You better not
do anything weird.

I don't feel clean.

-It's Ok, really.

-What is that?

-Nothing.

-No really, what is that?

-Nothing!

It's um...

-My electric toothbrush?

-I thought you might like a toy.

-I brush my teeth
with that Phillip.

-Well it is good for cavities.

-That's not even
close to being funny.

-I wasn't gonna
use the brush end.

I mean unless you're
into the sort of thing.

-Just get the lube.

-I love when you talk sexy.

-I'm warning you.

-The great cultural
anthropologist Margaret
Mead once said,

"Every woman needs
three husbands."

-Three husbands?

God was she drunk?

-One for youthful sex.

One for security as
she raises her children

and one for the joyful
companionship of old age.

Do you see all three in Phil?

-The great rock singer
Meatloaf once said,

"Two out of three and bad."

-You just rolled off a bunch
of your husband's faults.

Why are you protecting him now?

-Victim's remorse.

-Is why you haven't divorced?

-I don't wanna cut and
run like some democrat.

Divorce feels like
failure to me.

Plus the world doesn't
need another single mother.

-Divorce my dear is
in fact something

that takes much
bravery to accomplish.

Courage you evidently lack.

-I don't wanna be
older and alone

just because I'm angry now.

-If I could make a fist,

I'd punch you in the labia.

-We're both right.

Divorce is a good
reason to stay married

but marriage is the number
one reason for divorce.

-You're far too
young to be already

waiting out the clock.

-Even still, my connection
with my husband 404,

-Phil's already two of
your three husbands.

Who is your third man?

* He's a preacher with an iPod

* And a WiFi for Jesus

* And he's cruising eternity

* Looking for some action

-[Voiceover] Evelyn's
hero was someone full of

(unclear), mystery
and surprises.

* Gotta watch out
for the trap of hell

* Devil's gonna get you

* 'Cause you are in

-Hydrogen Monoxide is the
primary component of acid rain.

It can cause severe burns,

cut through solid rock

and have been found in the
tumors of cancer victims.

The terrorist are using
dihydrogen monoxide

to this day America.

Now what are you
going to do about it?

-I want my baby to be
dihydrogen monoxide free.

We have to bomb all
the dihydrogen monoxide

before they use it on us.

-(mumbles) vote no against
their dihydrogen monoxide.

(screeching)

-The term dihydrogen
monoxide means

two parts hydrogen,
one part oxygen.

H2o.

Nice job guys.

You just demonized water.

-[Voiceover] For Evelyn, when
the world would go insane,

her hero would know how to
make her feel safe and secure.

So Evelyn queried the
website, Love a la Carte

to see if it could
find what she couldn't,

her whole life.

-Team work is a lot of
people doing what I say.

Doing it right is no excuse
for not meeting the schedule.

-It's so important that you
couldn't let other things

that are more important
fear it, right?

-So, since we've
established a relationship

may I have sex with you now?

-[Voiceover] Filtering
out the dirty old men

for Evelyn was just as
easy as spotting the

slick, habitual cheaters.

But Evelyn, you're still
young and attractive,

yet your husband
still ignores you?

How can it be?!

-Are you Ok?

-Do you feel that?

That is the sound
of your empty heart

and I'm here to replenish it.

You deserve satisfaction.

-And therefore, as a man it
is my duty to service you.

No reciprocation necessary.

-Die!

No wonder whores get
such good business,

they charge you because
it's so much fucking work!

-Call me!

-[Voiceover] Evelyn
soon realized

that while looking
for Prince Charming,

she forgot to consider
again the man at home.

-Why wasn't the
front door locked?

-Sorry, I forgot.

-[Voiceover] But by
then, it was too late.

Evelyn was the one who
left her world unlocked.

Her husband simply
left to find the key.

He would have to find out
on his own what I know now.

Every star wants a fan.

Every player wants
a cheerleader.

But the sweetest applause
you'll ever receive

comes from the one that
unconditionally loves you.

-Yeah, I know who you are.

-He's all yours.

-Don't flatter yourself.

-Do you know why I could
have him whenever I wanted?

-Oh I can't wait!

-I am the forbidden
fruit that quenches

your husband's starved libido.

-(unclear) Phil driven him out
of the home to find, Evelyn.

And when I'm satisfied I
don't have to hear him snore

or wash his dirty underwear,

I just send him home.

You'll make him miserable again

but he'll dream

of me.

-Suck my phoenix.

I don't feel the female
version of emasculation

when a man cheats.

I see it for the
weakness that it is.

That's why a husband
always comes back home

to his wife.

Even a dog like Phil knows
that you're not worth

what he would lose with
me if I ever strayed

because it would be proof
that I no longer loved him.

And they lived
happily, never after.

-I figure there are many models
of marriage that are viable.

Mine may not be perfect but

it'll have to do.

-In writing your blog,

the comments from anonymous
souls on the internet,

it's helped you hasn't it?

-Yeah, I'm shutting it down.

-Why?

-Too maddening thinking
about all the possibilities.

-The truth is you determine
the life that you live.

Why do you choose to live a lie?

-There was one man who
helped explain me to myself

with a framework I could
finally understand.

-He connected with you.

-In more ways than
he would allow me.

He that I could not have.

Still he helped me
believe my vows again.

Sent me a telegram once.

-Always remember that
forgiving someone

justifies your own forgiveness.

-That was it.

To me it's proof that

freedom beating heroism
can still exist,

even in a struggling marriage.

* Cinderella dressed in yellow

* Went upstairs to kiss a fella

* Made a mistake
and kissed a snake

* How many doctors did it take

-Princess Evelyn, you
magnificent bitch!

I read your posts.

-Imagine that.

It's a small world wide web
after all isn't it, Phil?

-How you felt
about our marriage,

why we're not communicating,

why couldn't you
tell me those things?

-I did!

I could have said more.

-But it would have been wasted?

-Probably.

-You know you really know
how to stomp on a guy's ball.

I mean, bravo.

-You can appreciate
that can you?

-This marriage sucks anus!

-It is not a competition, Phil!

-Yeah, well in the
court of world opinion,

I lose!

How were you gonna explain
this to Black Jesus?

-We could go Hindu.

-I don't know, all that curry.

-Do you think there is any way
we can repair our marriage?

-Marriage by default isn't a
success until death do us part.

-You first!

-What is it my love?

-I want you to be
my lady friend.

-Alas, I'm married.

-Oh forsake your husband I say.

-Prey tail why?

-For he knows not how to
make a wife feel loved.

I however realized what
most men never learn.

-What's that my prince?

-Pussy is pussy,

they're all the same.

What matter is the person,
and that's you my love.

Too many men only think
of their tallywackers but

I say refuse to let my
tallywacker define me anymore.

-So romantic.

-But I also want the
life of least resistance.

And that mean true
love and happy penis

with only one person.

So I unconditionally
surrender myself to you.

-You do?

-For certain!

I have enough respect
for you to know

you could do much better than I

but our differences
aren't so irreconcilable.

Would you return the key
to your heart once more?

-Of course, you're my hero.

-Oh sweet, precious darling,
let us never quarrel again.

-(mumbles)

-[Both] Hib hib hooray!

-[Voiceover] Love a la Carte

was brought to you by

Vacation Saturn, you
like our hot boobs,

you'll love our xenophobia.

And by kumquats.

And by the great
nation of Mexico,

just like Canada but with a tan.

-It doesn't have to
end like this Evelyn.

Please, don't let it happen.

-Every story has to
have an ending, Phil.

What's it gonna be?

-Isn't it possible to forgive?

-Sure, but it's forgetting

and moving on that's
the hard part.

-Yeah but we don't have
to nuke our entire world.

You know there's still good
reason for us to be together.

-(unclear) is the
enforcement of stupid laws.

I do want to stay with you.

I often wonder exactly why.

-Well for one thing I do a
lot of things mostly right?

Plus we've got the
same last name,

that's got to be a bonus.

-This species aren't
even the best.

Your nuisance for
bread is overwhelming.

Most likely it's because
neither one of us

has a better choice.

-Yeah, I can live with that.

-You're reaching for
a happy ending but

out story's still being
written and it's an epic,

a constant battle to
try to find the reasons

that we should stay together.

-Let's write our own
chapter, our chapter 13.

-Bankruptcy?

-We're broke.

Let's get solvent sexy pants.

You wanna go see a movie?

-I want to take a vacation,
before I go back to work.

-You're gonna start
your career again?

How serendipitous, my
unemployment insurance

lasts for 13 weeks,
let's do this!

-You lost your job?

So you're gonna be
the one staying home?

-Gone in there and make
me a damn sandwich bitch!

-Not tonight, I have a headache.

-Seriously, I want
a good vacation.

-We could go to Tijuana.

We could bring back
some cheap medication.

How long is your anal cavity?

-I wanna go see America,
before they close it down.

-Wow, oh wow!

If I was a female you would
totally be questioning

your sexuality right now.

-Keep dreaming.

-Thanks for continuing
to be my wife.

I love you, I love you.

-I love you too.

-It's over.

-That's a relief.

-I don't want to
be a third wheel.

-Wanna go with us instead?

-Yeah, I do.

(groans of disgust)

-Let's go amigos!

* Sometimes it stops (unclear)

* Feels like it never ceases

* And all that you found

* (unclear)

* Please Mister
please play one for me

* Her man of her's

* He's learned a lesson

* Not to keep a good
man second guessing

* She's gonna show
him what she needs

* If you wanna be
if you wanna be

* If you wanna be
the love of my life

* If you wanna be
if you wanna be

* If you wanna be
the love of my life.

* I've had enough of it

* Right now

* I see part of you

* Wants to think about it

* But the rest of you

* Just can't be without it

-It get's better!

* If you wanna be
if you wanna be

* If you wanna be
the love of my life

* If you wanna be
if you wanna be

* If you wanna be
the love of my life

* I have an opening right now

-I was in the West
End, I played Guinevere

in front of the Queen
and now look at me.

This is ridiculous,
I can't believe this.

Look what I've got to
put up with, this one.

And these, 3 bras,
it's ridiculous.

-Hey baby, what are you doing?

-Oh God, come here.

I like it really.

-Here we go, no I don't
like it and action.

-No (laughter).

-I couldn't let things
that were more important.

Other things that
were more important.

-So it seems we've
established a relationship.

May I have sex with you now?

(slurps)

Excellent!

-Is that a yes?

-Let me grab my water bottle.

-Sure.

-Sorry, sorry sorry, go ahead.