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1
00:00:00,083 --> 00:00:01,460
GUNMAN: Open the fucking register now!
2
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:03,003
Everybody get your hands up.
3
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,380
Come on, get over here,
I want everybody to line up over here.
4
00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:07,799
- Oh, my God, oh, my God,
Barbara, do you think he saw us?
5
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:09,218
- Fuck, I don't think so.
6
00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:10,886
I don't know.
CODY: I don't want to die, man,
7
00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:12,221
not like this.
8
00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:13,222
I don't even have a Wikipedia page.
9
00:00:13,305 --> 00:00:14,223
GUNMAN: Ma'am.
10
00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:16,099
- Oh, shit, he saw you.
11
00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:17,100
- What? No, he said "ma'am."
12
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:18,101
BARBARA: Yeah, that's you.
13
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,103
- What? I'm not a ma'am.
14
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:21,188
- Yeah, you are, you're totally a ma'am.
15
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,564
- No, I'm not.
BARBARA: Yes, you are.
16
00:00:22,648 --> 00:00:24,358
You've been a ma'am for a long time.
GUNMAN: Ma'am!
17
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,612
Ma'am!
18
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,948
Why don't you go smoke
some more crack, huh?
19
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,741
- You got any?
- What?!
20
00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:34,618
- See, he was talking to the crack whore,
I told you.
21
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,662
- Okay, I don't care.
Listen to me, I have a plan.
22
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:37,996
You see those Jesus candles?
23
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:38,997
You're gonna take two of them,
24
00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:40,123
then you're gonna somersault
25
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,542
quietly behind the candy aisle.
26
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,086
From my calculations,
you'll have a perfect vantage point.
27
00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,504
- What the fuck are you talking about?
28
00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:46,839
- Come on, Cody, you can take him.
29
00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:48,131
- No, I can't.
BARBARA: Yes, you can.
30
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,758
You're bigger than him.
- Fuck you.
31
00:00:49,842 --> 00:00:51,677
- You are-- you're like twice his size.
32
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,596
- I want everybody to take
their cell phones out and their wallets.
33
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,348
But don't touch your own wallet!
34
00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:59,434
Take the wallet out
of the person to your right.
35
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:00,811
There's only four phones here,
36
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:01,937
and there's five of you.
- Fuck this.
37
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:02,980
I'm calling the cops.
- You're such a pussy.
38
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,816
[gunman shouting indistinctly]
39
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:06,942
What are you doing?
40
00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,110
- Nothing. Nothing, nothing.
41
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:09,486
[Barbara gasps]
42
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,738
Are you fucking texting Dan right now?
43
00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:12,990
- No, okay, just...
44
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,741
I texted him "I love you" two hours ago,
45
00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,661
and he just texted back
"k, you, too," all lowercase.
46
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Like, what the fuck is that?
47
00:01:18,871 --> 00:01:20,998
- I seriously cannot believe you.
48
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,916
Don't you get that this is
like a fucking parable
49
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,459
for the world right now?
50
00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:27,004
Toxic masculinity as represented,
quite literally,
51
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,505
by a dude with a gu...
52
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,465
Well, don't write that.
53
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- Why?
54
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- "Are we okay?"
CODY: What, what?
55
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:35,762
- If you have to write to your boyfriend
"Are we okay?"
56
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you're definitely not okay.
57
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:38,557
- Do you think he's cheating on me?
58
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:39,558
- Honestly?
59
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GUNMAN: Ma'am.
- Yeah.
60
00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:42,144
- Don't say that.
61
00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:43,478
You're gonna give me
a fucking heart attack.
62
00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:44,980
- Ma'am!
- [gasps] Fuck, oh, my God.
63
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,190
Please don't kill me, Jesus Christ,
64
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:47,441
please, please, please don't kill me,
oh, my God.
65
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:48,567
- See, you're totally a ma'am,
I was right.
66
00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:49,735
[laughs]
- Shut up.
67
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:52,029
- What?
- No, not-- nothing, not you.
68
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,280
- Slide your phone over here.
69
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:54,781
- Okay, okay, okay, just, um...
70
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:56,575
I'm so sorry, can I just send one text?
71
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:57,743
It'll be so fast.
72
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:58,994
- No! What the fuck?!
73
00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:00,204
- Okay, okay, all right, okay!
74
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,122
All-all right!
- God, you idiot!
75
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,042
[quiet music playing]
76
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,586
- Is that a fucking sex doll?
77
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:08,587
- Yeah.
78
00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:10,380
- The fuck is around its neck?
79
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,634
- Her vagina?
BARBARA: Sir,
80
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:15,677
I'm fully cooperating,
and if you have to kill her,
81
00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:17,137
I completely understand,
82
00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:19,014
and if you have to rape me, I'm down,
83
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,474
but, like, please don't kill me.
84
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:23,352
- Why the fuck is it wearing a vagina
around its neck?
85
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:25,646
- Well, it's her,
it's her old vagina, it's...
86
00:02:25,729 --> 00:02:26,939
'Cause, you know, she wa--
87
00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:28,565
she used to be my boyfriend's sex doll
88
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:29,775
and now, you know, she's just my friend
89
00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:31,193
and she's my writing partner.
90
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,862
She's kind of a,
kind of a handful, actually.
91
00:02:33,946 --> 00:02:35,572
When she was my boyfriend's sex doll,
92
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:38,075
he didn't, he didn't take
very good care of her, so, like,
93
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,660
hygiene-wise,
her pussy got kind of crusty.
94
00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:41,453
You know, when I say that,
95
00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:43,914
it, like, it-it sounds like I'm saying,
like, he's a pervert.
96
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,749
He's, like, a super sweet guy,
great boyfriend.
97
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,584
He's actually, like,
a really successful TV writer.
98
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,044
He just has kinks, you know.
99
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:51,004
He's into foot stuff, he's into pantyhose,
100
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:53,590
and, you know, like,
for a while he just had, um,
101
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,384
like, a mannequin leg,
and he would put pantyhose on it
102
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,885
and he would just, like,
rub it on his nipples,
103
00:02:56,969 --> 00:02:58,095
but then the dog chewed up
the pantyhose leg,
104
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,513
so then he got the sex doll.
105
00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:00,931
It's kind of the...
GUNMAN: Hold on, hold on, hold on.
106
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:05,727
Is your... is your boyfriend Dan Harmon?
107
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:07,145
- Yeah.
108
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:09,356
- Oh, my God.
109
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:11,149
This is crazy.
110
00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:13,402
I am a huge fan.
111
00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,945
- Wait, what?
GUNMAN: Yeah.
112
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,238
- I fucked him every week.
113
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,115
- Uh...
CODY: Oh, my God!
114
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:21,368
- Rick and Morty is
my favorite TV show of all time.
115
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:22,786
- That is insane.
116
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,247
- I-- this is crazy.
I'm, like, a total Harmenian,
117
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:28,166
and, you know, I,
I listen to his podcast every week.
118
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,334
- Right.
GUNMAN: And, as you know, you know,
119
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:32,129
he really kind of, like,
puts himself out there,
120
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,964
so when you said "sex doll,"
121
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,091
I was like, "Could it be?"
122
00:03:36,175 --> 00:03:38,343
And then you were like, "writer."
123
00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:39,595
And then you said...
- "Foot fetish."
124
00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:41,346
- "...foot fetish"! And I was like,
125
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:43,515
"Uh, could it be? Yes, it is!"
126
00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:44,766
And now it is!
127
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,560
- Dude, I'm, like, freaking out right now.
128
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:48,854
This is fucking crazy.
GUNMAN: So am I.
129
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,731
Wow, what a small world.
What are the chances
130
00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:54,484
that, like, you and I would run
into each other like this?
131
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,861
- Very slim.
- Barbara.
132
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:57,779
- I mean,
it's-it's like a Rick and Morty episode,
133
00:03:57,863 --> 00:03:59,781
but, like, everything
I would be saying would be
134
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:02,534
so much smarter
because the writing on that show was...
135
00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:03,535
[gunshot]
136
00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:05,412
[both screaming]
137
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,497
CODY: Oh, my God!
138
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,916
Holy shit!
[Barbara screams]
139
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,126
- [panting]
140
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,212
[engine starts]
141
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,055
[Barbara sighs]
142
00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:25,140
- That was so fucked up.
143
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:27,935
- [exhales]: What?
144
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:30,604
- Oh, my God, I'm, like, still shaking.
145
00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:32,189
- Like, me, too, I'm also shaking.
146
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,941
Like, I'm not actually physically shaking,
147
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:37,361
but I'm also experiencing the trauma
in a very real way.
148
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,696
- That was fucking crazy!
149
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,698
What the fuck just happened to us?!
150
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,075
- That was crazy!
151
00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:45,244
Like, who thought that fucking crack whore
152
00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:46,620
would save the day like that?
153
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,372
- Oh, my God, I know.
154
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,958
You know...
155
00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:53,502
we probably shouldn't call her that
anymore.
156
00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:55,295
- I hundred percent agree.
157
00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:56,880
Well, can you believe that...
158
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,925
crack sex worker
saved the fucking day like that?
159
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,552
- Totally.
160
00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:05,973
Oh, my God, he broke my phone.
161
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,561
I mean, mostly it is very, very sad
162
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:14,481
that a, like, a human life was taken,
obviously,
163
00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:16,733
and, like, I feel terrible for, like,
the family
164
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,068
of that dead robber.
165
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,653
- Dude, I feel terrible, too.
166
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:22,489
Like, to echo that, I'm devastated.
167
00:05:22,573 --> 00:05:24,074
- I mean, the whole thing's
like a fucking tragedy.
168
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,201
BARBARA: It's a tra--
it's... that's a perfect word.
169
00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:28,620
Yeah, it's like a true American tragedy.
170
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,290
But...
171
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:34,835
you know, it is kind of
one of those tragedies that...
172
00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,753
would make an amazing story, right?
173
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,631
- Like, a really good story.
174
00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:40,841
- Like, it'd be almost more of a tragedy
175
00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:42,634
if we didn't tell that story, right?
176
00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:45,679
- Like maybe in a spec script
about a girl and her sex doll?
177
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:48,098
- Oh, my God, I was having the same idea!
178
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:49,725
- No.
- Yes, but I didn't want to tell you
179
00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,560
'cause I was like,
"She's gonna think I'm a monster."
180
00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:53,103
- Wait, really?
- Hundred percent.
181
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:56,690
- No. Oh, my God, that's hilarious.
182
00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:59,026
Oh, my God, I'm starving.
183
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,069
Feel like I burned,
like, a million calories
184
00:06:01,153 --> 00:06:03,197
just from having my heart rate
so elevated.
185
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,740
- I know, I'm so hungry.
186
00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:07,826
[sighs] I would so join you, but...
187
00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:09,536
- You're a sex doll so you can't eat?
- I'm keeping this shit tight.
188
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:10,537
- All right.
189
00:06:10,621 --> 00:06:12,539
Bitch, you are covered in blood.
190
00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:13,832
BARBARA: You're covered in blood.
191
00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:15,250
CODY: You look psychotic.
192
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,919
BARBARA:
You look like you're in the movie Carrie.
193
00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:18,921
CODY: No, I look dope.
194
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:22,049
♪ 'Cause they mean me and you. ♪
14372
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