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1
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Thirty seconds and counting.
2
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:16,004
Power transfer is complete.
3
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:19,563
We're on internal power
with the launch vehicle at this time.
4
00:00:19,563 --> 00:00:21,768
T minus 20 seconds and counting.
5
00:00:21,768 --> 00:00:24,047
All the second-stage tanks now pressurised.
6
00:00:24,047 --> 00:00:26,851
T minus 15 seconds. Guidance is internal.
7
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:30,689
Twelve, eleven, ten, 9...
8
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:33,004
Ignition sequence starts.
9
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:38,527
Six, five, four, three, two, one,
10
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,363
zero. All engines running.
11
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,282
Lift off! We have a lift off.
12
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:46,568
And so in 1972,
13
00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:50,522
the Atlas Centaur rocket
blasted off from our planet,
14
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:54,124
a four-stage rocket that launched a probe
15
00:00:54,124 --> 00:00:56,248
way out into the blackness of space.
16
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,007
The probe would use the energy from the sun
17
00:00:59,007 --> 00:01:02,209
and the gravitational pull
of our neighbouring planets
18
00:01:02,209 --> 00:01:03,770
to cross our solar system.
19
00:01:03,770 --> 00:01:06,247
That momentum would then carry it on
20
00:01:06,247 --> 00:01:08,687
into the farthest reaches of the universe.
21
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:13,401
The mission, to find intelligent life
similar to ours
22
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,128
out there in deep space.
23
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,044
The probe carried a tablet
which had inscribed on it
24
00:01:20,044 --> 00:01:22,646
the image of us humans, a man and a woman,
25
00:01:22,646 --> 00:01:24,404
and a map to locate us in the universe.
26
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:29,843
Stage four disconnects and our probe
is fired on its long journey.
27
00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,562
The world wished it bon voyage
28
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,765
and may it find a friend out there
29
00:01:35,765 --> 00:01:37,524
in deep space.
30
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,603
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
31
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:20,805
Hey! Thank you very much. Thank you.
32
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:22,480
Thank you, nice to see you.
33
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,168
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.
34
00:03:33,168 --> 00:03:35,766
When I interviewed Neil Clarke
for The Book Programme,
35
00:03:35,766 --> 00:03:37,410
I knew he was extraordinary.
36
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,291
Now, with the publication
of his brilliant novel,
37
00:03:41,291 --> 00:03:43,249
reviewers agree he's joined the ranks
38
00:03:43,249 --> 00:03:45,004
of Britain's immortals.
39
00:03:45,004 --> 00:03:46,570
Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clarke.
40
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,811
Um, so I suppose I wanted to start off
by asking you
41
00:03:56,811 --> 00:04:00,811
how did you manage such amazing
insight into the soul of modern man
42
00:04:00,811 --> 00:04:03,531
and how do you know
what men and women really want,
43
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:08,047
just really the whole relationship
between humanity and the cosmos?
44
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:11,250
Yeah, well,
I think I probably achieved that
45
00:04:11,250 --> 00:04:14,006
by looking into my own soul, Catherine.
46
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,808
Um, I studied its flaws,
47
00:04:16,808 --> 00:04:19,406
its potential, its urgent needs.
48
00:04:19,406 --> 00:04:21,000
I listened to its cries for help...
49
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:27,209
...and its yelps of anguish and, um, I...
50
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,249
I spent five long years
51
00:04:30,249 --> 00:04:35,008
in a book which I hoped would throw open
the doors of human perception
52
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:38,926
and allow us to be engulfed
in a sense of our own futility.
53
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,124
Sorry about this, it's...
54
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:46,522
Get off! Down!
55
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,411
Ah!
56
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:55,890
Oh, God.
57
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,206
Go watch TV.
58
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,130
Your dog is barking.
59
00:05:03,130 --> 00:05:05,448
My dog was barking
because you rang the doorbell.
60
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:09,288
I rang the doorbell
because your dog was barking.
61
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,604
Your lease says no pets.
62
00:05:11,604 --> 00:05:13,887
Well, he is a guide dog.
63
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:16,406
You're not blind.
64
00:05:16,406 --> 00:05:19,051
I prefer the term "optically challenged".
65
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,044
You're not optically challenged, either.
66
00:05:23,044 --> 00:05:25,248
Fiona, you live, like, three floors up.
I mean, I don't...
67
00:05:25,248 --> 00:05:28,847
If you don't
control your bloody dog,
68
00:05:28,847 --> 00:05:32,288
I am going to get it sent
to Battersea Dogs Home. Right?
69
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,366
- Hmm?
- All right.
70
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,760
Come on, Dennis,
let's go and evacuate your bowels.
71
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,241
Come on, Dennis.
72
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,768
Come on.
73
00:05:49,768 --> 00:05:51,205
- Hi, Neil.
- Hi, Catherine.
74
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:54,648
Hey, it's funny,
I was just dreaming about you.
75
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:57,366
Really?
76
00:05:57,366 --> 00:05:59,647
Yeah, you were presenting me
with an award for my novel.
77
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,206
Oh, did you deserve it?
78
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,609
Well, I was proud but humble.
79
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,323
Have you finished it,
actually, in real life?
80
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,088
Absolutely, almost, yeah.
81
00:06:09,088 --> 00:06:11,481
Cos last spring you were on chapter...
82
00:06:11,481 --> 00:06:13,881
Yeah, I've renumbered them.
In fact, I've removed them.
83
00:06:13,881 --> 00:06:15,041
- Oh.
- Yeah.
84
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,646
I find the whole concept of chapters
just gets in the way so...
85
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,641
Yeah. Yeah, no, I can see that.
86
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:24,649
I want reading it to be like being
sucked into a giant vortex, you know.
87
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,444
- Like going on Facebook.
- Like Facebook, yeah.
88
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,806
That's a good one.
89
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,801
"Like being sucked into a giant vortex."
90
00:06:35,801 --> 00:06:39,521
Dennis, why do you let me
say things like this, hey?
91
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:41,806
Come on.
92
00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,405
Hmm. Mmm?
93
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:49,710
Ah.
94
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,882
- Come on, Ray. It's only 20 quid.
- No, I can't, Neil.
95
00:08:21,882 --> 00:08:23,200
- Yeah, but it can't lose.
- No.
96
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,967
Look, I guarantee you
a 50% return on your money
97
00:08:25,967 --> 00:08:27,411
before the end of classes today.
98
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:33,090
So when do you make your move on
Miss Booker Prize downstairs, then?
99
00:08:33,090 --> 00:08:37,370
Oh, I don't. Turns out she's a bit
literal-minded, no foresight.
100
00:08:37,370 --> 00:08:39,966
Whereas me,
I can see for miles into the future.
101
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:42,524
A man needs a woman, Neil.
102
00:08:42,524 --> 00:08:45,285
- I've got Dennis.
- Dennis is male.
103
00:08:45,285 --> 00:08:47,049
And he's a dog, in case you hadn't noticed.
104
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,241
Yeah, well,
I don't want to complicate my life.
105
00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:53,566
This is a tenner!
106
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:56,846
Walk!
107
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,726
Accessing representative images
of earthlings.
108
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:43,131
Communication will be carried on in the
language of the species to be judged.
109
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:46,850
I'm sorry, I'm not understanding.
110
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:49,841
Ah.
111
00:09:49,841 --> 00:09:52,844
- Is that better, Kylie?
- Understanding you now, Sharon.
112
00:09:52,844 --> 00:09:57,528
By the power invested in me by
the Intergalactic Council of Superior Species,
113
00:09:57,528 --> 00:10:01,605
I hereby pronounce
a destruction order on the planet Earth.
114
00:10:01,605 --> 00:10:05,890
With great respect, Sharon,
we should not pronounce a destruction order
115
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,522
before we've given these earthlings
a chance to prove themselves.
116
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,491
They've penetrated
intergalactic space.
117
00:10:12,491 --> 00:10:13,800
Maureen is right.
118
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,004
They're clearly not a superior species.
119
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,330
Look at the way they copulate.
120
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,281
If these earthlings
121
00:10:23,281 --> 00:10:27,410
can convince us that they are superior beings,
then they may join our society.
122
00:10:27,410 --> 00:10:29,409
If they cannot, we must eliminate them,
123
00:10:29,409 --> 00:10:33,081
for the moral well-being of the entire
Intergalactic Community.
124
00:10:33,081 --> 00:10:35,083
Thank you for explaining it to me, Sharon.
125
00:10:35,083 --> 00:10:36,321
Not at all, Miss Barker.
126
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,804
No, Grant, I don't want to talk to you.
127
00:10:41,804 --> 00:10:43,723
No, I don't want to see you, either.
128
00:10:43,723 --> 00:10:46,121
We had a great time last
summer but it's over.
129
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:48,931
What part of over do you not understand?
130
00:10:48,931 --> 00:10:50,690
Thank you for calling. Goodbye.
131
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,966
These questions of yours
make it sound as if I thought
132
00:10:54,966 --> 00:10:57,407
this bloody author
can string two words together.
133
00:10:57,407 --> 00:11:00,086
But he can. It's a wonderful book.
134
00:11:00,086 --> 00:11:03,130
Darling, didn't you read the memo?
We're doing a demolition job.
135
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,851
But it's the best thing he's ever written.
Everyone says so.
136
00:11:06,851 --> 00:11:09,321
That's why we have to pee on it
from a great height.
137
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:14,450
I want ten new questions,
please, before noon.
138
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:23,282
Don't you know? She never reads the books.
She hates books.
139
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:26,371
Why is she presenting
a book programme, then?
140
00:11:26,371 --> 00:11:27,965
I spy trouble. Just...
141
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:34,162
Look, Catherine, you may despise her ego,
142
00:11:34,162 --> 00:11:36,720
but that's what people tune in to see.
143
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,844
Not books, not authors, God forbid,
144
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,929
but Fenella's rampant, pulsating,
sexually arousing ego.
145
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,448
No, I think people watch because
it's a book programme and they love books.
146
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,170
Books are finished.
147
00:11:50,170 --> 00:11:53,722
Our job is to provide scandal, gossip
and character assassination,
148
00:11:53,722 --> 00:11:56,326
with a thin veneer of
literary respectability.
149
00:11:56,326 --> 00:11:58,408
Oh, so we're not just selling out, then?
We've sold out?
150
00:11:58,408 --> 00:11:59,527
Exactly.
151
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:03,484
For God's sake, smile.
152
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,089
It's enough to make you weep, isn't it?
153
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:31,487
What?
154
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,651
The price of pickles.
Don't even look at the marinated herring.
155
00:12:35,651 --> 00:12:37,245
Honestly, you'd be suicidal.
156
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:40,566
I didn't want them, anyway.
157
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,041
Thanks.
158
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:52,120
Um, I also offer support and counselling
on dips, dried fruit and pasta sauces.
159
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,330
She's gone.
160
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,451
- The usual test, Sharon?
- The usual test, Kylie.
161
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,486
One earthling will be chosen randomly,
162
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,082
as defined by
the Intergalactic Manual of Good and Evil.
163
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,004
Page 56. paragraph B.
164
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,569
Uh, page 56, paragraph D.
165
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,010
Uh, right.
166
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:25,247
To prove that they understand
the difference between good and evil.
167
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,329
How will they prove it?
168
00:13:27,329 --> 00:13:30,529
They will be given the power
that all superior beings have.
169
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,570
The earthling will be capable
of doing absolutely anything.
170
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,441
What if he uses his power for evil?
171
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,691
The Earth will be eliminated.
172
00:13:40,691 --> 00:13:42,330
But if he uses it for good?
173
00:13:42,330 --> 00:13:45,244
Then we welcome them
to the Intergalactic Community.
174
00:13:45,244 --> 00:13:46,560
Are we ready, gentlemen?
175
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,131
Commencing random
selection of earthlings.
176
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:52,811
Processing...
177
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:55,401
Processing...
178
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,640
Earthling.
179
00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,440
Jolly good!
180
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,086
Wait!
181
00:14:01,086 --> 00:14:02,400
Selected.
182
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:09,770
The earthling has ten days to prove
he can use absolute power for good
183
00:14:09,770 --> 00:14:12,002
rather than for evil.
184
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,281
God.
185
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:32,961
Fuck you!
186
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:48,324
All they want me to do is help them
sneer at people who write wonderful books.
187
00:14:48,324 --> 00:14:51,728
Well, my producer just wants me
to dig up dirt on Amenhotep III.
188
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,201
I keep telling them he had a kind nature
189
00:14:55,201 --> 00:14:56,406
and lovely hands.
190
00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,489
I would have loved to spend
an evening with Amenhotep III.
191
00:15:00,489 --> 00:15:04,007
Yeah, except he's been dead
4,000 years, Rosie,
192
00:15:04,007 --> 00:15:06,725
and he'd spend all day long
talking about embalming.
193
00:15:06,725 --> 00:15:08,842
Well, find me a good one
that's still breathing.
194
00:15:08,842 --> 00:15:10,848
Tell me about it.
195
00:15:10,848 --> 00:15:12,365
What about Grant?
196
00:15:12,365 --> 00:15:15,887
Oh, well, Colonel Grant
turned out to have issues.
197
00:15:15,887 --> 00:15:18,770
- Issues?
- Yeah, like being clinically insane.
198
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,611
Shame.
199
00:15:20,611 --> 00:15:22,170
Maybe that's overstating it.
200
00:15:22,170 --> 00:15:26,290
Uh, just obsessive, possessive
and pathologically jealous.
201
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:29,206
What about him upstairs?
202
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,287
Oh, he tried to cheer me up
in the supermarket.
203
00:15:32,287 --> 00:15:33,964
Oh, so he's gay?
204
00:15:33,964 --> 00:15:35,201
What?
205
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,168
Well, he's sympathetic,
interested, available.
206
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:43,611
- That's the way life works.
- No, he's not gay.
207
00:15:43,611 --> 00:15:47,168
He's... very likeable.
208
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,003
Mr Clarke.
209
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,201
Hi.
210
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:19,125
This is the twelfth time
you've been late this month, Mr Clarke.
211
00:16:19,125 --> 00:16:20,645
Yeah, I got knocked off my bike.
212
00:16:20,645 --> 00:16:25,203
Yesterday you had food poisoning.
Friday you thought it was Saturday.
213
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,246
Monday you forgot to put
your clock forward.
214
00:16:28,246 --> 00:16:29,367
Oh, everybody does that.
215
00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:33,491
Week last Wednesday it seems you had
an appointment with the Dalai Lama.
216
00:16:33,491 --> 00:16:35,130
Yeah, I showed you the picture.
217
00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,684
That had Michael Jackson in it as well.
218
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:40,800
Well, he's a great man.
219
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:44,011
Great enough to appear in photographs
when he's dead.
220
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,329
You, Mr Clarke, are totally irresponsible,
221
00:16:48,329 --> 00:16:51,410
you are idle and you are feckless.
222
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,006
Feckless?
223
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,568
Yes, you are without feck.
224
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,444
If I could replace you, I would.
225
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,364
Yeah, well, so would I.
226
00:17:05,364 --> 00:17:08,364
I just don't have anybody
to replace me with.
227
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,524
You a big skier?
228
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,166
Well, I've had my moments.
229
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:38,360
Hello, gorgeous.
230
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:42,081
How about cocktails for two this evening?
Go halves?
231
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,329
Drop dead, Ray.
232
00:17:44,329 --> 00:17:47,404
All right. Think about
it and get back to me.
233
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:51,561
Knob.
234
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:53,641
- Neil?
- Yeah.
235
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:55,805
If you could do anything,
what would you do?
236
00:17:55,805 --> 00:18:00,204
Hello, Neil, love.
Tinned mouse or fricassee of war victim?
237
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,726
I will have the roast headmaster,
please, Mrs B.
238
00:18:02,726 --> 00:18:04,131
You are a one.
239
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:07,643
- There you go.
- Thank you.
240
00:18:07,643 --> 00:18:11,486
Uh, I'll have the casserole, please, Mrs B.
241
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,928
You'll enjoy that, Mr Ray.
As long as you don't eat it.
242
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,690
No, I mean, if you could
make anything you want happen,
243
00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:28,205
what would it be?
244
00:18:28,205 --> 00:18:31,250
I would make Dennis regurgitate
my notes from chapter three.
245
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,800
If you could make
something impossible happen.
246
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,690
Intact.
247
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,004
What if you could make someone
worship the ground you walked on?
248
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,965
What, even if she thought
you were a little shit?
249
00:18:50,965 --> 00:18:52,121
Come on, Ray.
250
00:18:52,121 --> 00:18:54,600
That would be taking an unfair advantage
of an innocent girl.
251
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:58,363
OK, but suppose
there was one thing you could do
252
00:18:58,363 --> 00:19:00,160
that would change your life for the better?
253
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,966
Oh, that's easy.
I would make alien spaceships destroy 10C.
254
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,720
That sounded like it was in the school.
255
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:16,720
Out of the way! Out of the way!
256
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,365
Stand back, stand back.
Stand back, stand back.
257
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:19,646
Now, just stay calm.
258
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,171
Oh, my God!
259
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,606
Who was that?
260
00:19:31,606 --> 00:19:36,760
It was the Salubrious Gat
of Galaxy G946 WOT.
261
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,850
Gat, what do you think you're doing?
262
00:19:40,850 --> 00:19:42,445
Just practising, Sharon.
263
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:47,209
We haven't done the judicial review yet.
We may not want to destroy this species.
264
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:48,886
Who are you kidding?
265
00:19:48,886 --> 00:19:54,649
445,349,722 new alien species encountered.
266
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,406
Number granted membership
267
00:19:56,406 --> 00:19:59,290
of the Intergalactic Community
of Superior Beings?
268
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:00,681
Zero.
269
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,486
We have high standards.
270
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,125
You know you're going to wipe them out.
271
00:20:04,125 --> 00:20:06,163
It all depends on the earthling.
272
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,683
And signs of a recovery
seem as far away as ever.
273
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:18,970
Hey.
274
00:20:18,970 --> 00:20:20,121
Hello, Dennis.
275
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,847
Oh, Dennis. Couldn't you have waited?
276
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,121
We can now go live
to our reporter Brenda Emmanus
277
00:20:28,121 --> 00:20:29,770
at the scene of the incident.
278
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:33,050
It was here
at Kinbrook Comprehensive School
279
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,410
that an explosion killed 38 pupils.
280
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:40,521
A police spokesman said they
could not rule out a terrorist attack
281
00:20:40,521 --> 00:20:42,400
but say there were no
connections with reports
282
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,284
of a UFO sighting in the area.
283
00:20:45,284 --> 00:20:46,805
The head teacher, Mr Robert...
284
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,444
Oh, sure, Dennis,
it was an alien spaceship.
285
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,842
What are you talking about?
286
00:20:56,842 --> 00:20:59,042
If I could make
an alien spaceship destroy 10C,
287
00:20:59,042 --> 00:21:01,521
then I wouldn't be farting around
with this, would I?
288
00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:02,925
I'd just say,
289
00:21:02,925 --> 00:21:04,650
"Dog mess, clean yourself up."
290
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,611
See?
291
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,481
It's just shock.
292
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:48,089
It's just post-hallucination shock.
That's all it is.
293
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,849
I mean, it couldn't have been
an alien spaceship, Dennis, could it?
294
00:21:55,849 --> 00:21:59,163
I mean, it just, I mean, it couldn't have.
295
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:01,641
Oh, my God.
296
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,406
That's my notes.
297
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:13,080
Ah, damn it!
298
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,165
Whisky, go back in the bottle.
299
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,480
See? You see?
There's nothing. It's nothing.
300
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,964
There was nothing. It's nothing.
301
00:22:30,964 --> 00:22:32,530
Whisky, go back in the bottle.
302
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:40,926
Oh, my God.
303
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:44,330
I have to wave my hand.
304
00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:59,609
Whisky, exchange yourself
for another bottle, a single malt.
305
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:03,844
Hey, come back!
306
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:26,326
Door, open quick.
307
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:29,411
Not that quick.
308
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,450
I didn't mean go back to the shop
to get exchanged!
309
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:40,681
It's closed.
310
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:45,128
Oh, shit.
311
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:54,289
- Gotcha!
- Help me, Dennis!
312
00:23:54,289 --> 00:23:55,646
- Priority.
- Help me!
313
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:10,131
Shh, Dennis, be quiet.
314
00:24:10,131 --> 00:24:12,521
Oh, shit.
315
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:21,560
All right, laddie. You're nicked.
316
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,524
Me be at home having dinner with Dennis.
317
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,881
Oh, yuck! Chumzy!
318
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,487
You say one word about this, Constable,
you'll be on community relations.
319
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:50,930
Oh, my God. 10C!
320
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,082
Uh, let everyone who died be alive again.
321
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:32,120
Oh, God.
322
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:37,487
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
No, I meant everybody in 10C be alive again!
323
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:41,324
Obviously. Not everyone who's died ever.
Are you crazy?
324
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:47,961
Shit. Shit.
325
00:25:47,961 --> 00:25:50,646
And everybody who died in
the bomb blast that is alive again,
326
00:25:50,646 --> 00:25:51,966
be completely uninjured.
327
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,051
Oh, shit, shit, shit!
328
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:57,563
Uh, OK, me feel better.
329
00:25:58,000 --> 00:25:59,206
Oh, that's better.
330
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,165
Me have a really good idea
about what to do next.
331
00:26:02,165 --> 00:26:03,401
Oh, that's a good idea.
332
00:26:03,401 --> 00:26:06,091
Um, let the explosion never have happened.
333
00:26:06,091 --> 00:26:09,164
No, I mean, if you could make
anything you wanted happen,
334
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,043
what would it be?
335
00:26:12,043 --> 00:26:13,241
I'm sorry, what?
336
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:15,683
If you could do anything,
what would you do?
337
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:20,243
That's very weird.
I think I just dreamt that I could.
338
00:26:20,243 --> 00:26:21,367
What?
339
00:26:21,367 --> 00:26:24,330
Do anything. I dreamt that I could just
wave my hand and say such-and-such
340
00:26:24,330 --> 00:26:25,486
and it would happen.
341
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:26,921
So what did you do?
342
00:26:26,921 --> 00:26:28,843
I made alien spaceships destroy 10C.
343
00:26:28,843 --> 00:26:30,081
Good thinking.
344
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,046
I would make Dorothy Pringle
worship the ground I walked on.
345
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,166
You wouldn't be so cruel.
346
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,967
Hello and welcome to Book News,
347
00:26:43,967 --> 00:26:46,924
the show where you get to know
what books are coming to you
348
00:26:46,924 --> 00:26:48,849
and authors get what's coming to them.
349
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,884
What's the truth under publishers' blurbs?
350
00:26:52,884 --> 00:26:56,891
Why do writers' photographs always
show them looking ten years younger?
351
00:26:56,891 --> 00:26:59,526
You've come to the right place to find out.
352
00:26:59,526 --> 00:27:02,444
Our first guest tonight
is Mortimer Stanley,
353
00:27:02,444 --> 00:27:06,889
whose latest novel is entitled
What You See With Your Eyes Open.
354
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:11,202
Mortimer, your last novel
was published nearly ten years ago.
355
00:27:11,202 --> 00:27:15,564
It got what they call "mixed reviews"
and sold fewer than 3,000 copies.
356
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,721
What possessed you to write another one?
357
00:27:18,721 --> 00:27:20,728
Well, my wife was dying.
358
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:22,645
You were estranged, weren't you?
359
00:27:22,645 --> 00:27:26,770
Well, yes, but on her deathbed,
she urged me to write another book.
360
00:27:26,770 --> 00:27:28,405
Knowing that she would
never have to read it?
361
00:27:28,405 --> 00:27:29,487
Well...
362
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:33,440
Fenella's complaining that you didn't tell
her about his shoplifting conviction.
363
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,927
Well, he was 14, James.
It's got nothing to do with his book.
364
00:27:36,927 --> 00:27:38,724
Well, neither has the show, Cath.
365
00:27:38,724 --> 00:27:42,083
Listen, what upsets Fenella about you
is your integrity.
366
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,968
But me, I quite like it.
367
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,610
Play your cards right,
you could get your own office
368
00:27:49,610 --> 00:27:51,085
with a bigger desk and a view.
369
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:54,961
Um...
370
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:00,603
Sorry. Excuse me one second.
371
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:03,720
Mind you, you've gotta
play your cards right.
372
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:06,211
What the hell are you doing here?
373
00:28:06,211 --> 00:28:08,601
- Don't I get a kiss?
- Please go away.
374
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:10,331
That wouldn't be fair to you, Cath.
375
00:28:10,331 --> 00:28:14,161
This is a wonderful opportunity
for you to get to know the real me.
376
00:28:14,161 --> 00:28:15,850
Well... I'm calling security.
377
00:28:15,850 --> 00:28:18,440
No, not just the charming,
high-flying military strategist.
378
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,443
Hello, security?
379
00:28:20,443 --> 00:28:22,360
Not the inventor of extreme
rendition, either.
380
00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:24,488
Yes, I've got an intruder in room 405.
381
00:28:24,488 --> 00:28:28,491
Or the mastermind behind
warrantless domestic surveillance.
382
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:32,443
Just a humble officer who adores you.
383
00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:37,644
OK, Grant, I appreciate that you like me...
384
00:28:37,644 --> 00:28:41,885
Like? Like? What do you think,
I'm one of these cardboard cut-outs?
385
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:46,205
Like? No. No, no, no. Adulate. Worship.
386
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:49,841
OK, well, I don't adulate or worship you.
387
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:51,731
I don't even really like you.
388
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:54,725
So that's why I'm asking you
to just go away and leave me alone.
389
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:59,369
- So there's some hope?
- No, no, no. There's no hope.
390
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:02,651
Cath, I came all the way to England
to see you.
391
00:29:02,651 --> 00:29:04,524
Doesn't that show you
how much I care about you?
392
00:29:04,524 --> 00:29:08,167
No, it shows me that you're obsessed.
Obsession's not a quality that I admire.
393
00:29:08,167 --> 00:29:09,480
Really?
394
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:12,322
I think the lady wants you to go, Colonel.
395
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,209
You work for the BBC, don't you?
396
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:19,206
I do.
397
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:25,246
You know who ultimately controls
the British Broadcasting Corporation?
398
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,362
A little guy that used to work
down the hall from me
399
00:29:30,362 --> 00:29:32,402
at Fort Bragg, North Carolina.
400
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,048
And he did it in his spare time.
401
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,770
I'll catch you later, honey.
402
00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:52,364
It was a party. I was doing a documentary.
I was drunk.
403
00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:54,251
Judging me.
404
00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,050
Oh, God.
405
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:20,483
Let 10C become a model class,
kind and considerate.
406
00:30:20,483 --> 00:30:21,800
Oh, and eager to learn.
407
00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:36,607
- Good afternoon, 10C.
- Good afternoon, Mr Clarke.
408
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:42,322
Um, could you all turn to page 73,
please, and read the entire chapter?
409
00:30:42,322 --> 00:30:44,488
- What, the whole chapter?
- Yes.
410
00:30:44,488 --> 00:30:46,967
- Oh, good.
- How exciting!
411
00:30:46,967 --> 00:30:48,844
He's letting us read the whole chapter!
412
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:51,527
- Great.
- Well, you get on with it, then.
413
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:18,371
Let the headmaster
be nice to me for a change.
414
00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:22,760
And what you did
with the guitar quite beggars belief.
415
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:24,450
That is not how Kumbaya goes.
416
00:31:24,450 --> 00:31:26,881
Neil. So good to see you!
417
00:31:26,881 --> 00:31:30,009
I love what you're wearing.
It really does, it's just a great ensemble.
418
00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:31,969
So similar to what you were wearing before.
419
00:31:31,969 --> 00:31:35,163
But your laissez-faire attitude
to work is a great counterpoint
420
00:31:35,163 --> 00:31:36,804
to my by-the-book approach.
421
00:31:36,804 --> 00:31:38,320
Great having you on the staff, Neil.
422
00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:40,328
- Thank you.
- Right.
423
00:31:40,328 --> 00:31:41,407
Yeah!
424
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:45,009
He must love you an awful lot
to fly across the Atlantic.
425
00:31:45,009 --> 00:31:47,321
No, he just can't bear losing anything.
426
00:31:47,880 --> 00:31:50,850
As far as Grant's concerned,
I'm just a piece of lost property
427
00:31:50,850 --> 00:31:54,004
he wants to retrieve
and put back on his mantelpiece.
428
00:31:54,004 --> 00:31:56,321
He was really scary. Crazy.
429
00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:00,160
I had a boyfriend like that once.
430
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:01,960
The sort who wouldn't
take no for an answer.
431
00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:03,525
Did you? What happened?
432
00:32:03,525 --> 00:32:05,170
I married him.
433
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:10,001
Mr Eriksson, you know the romance
languages, French, Italian...
434
00:32:10,001 --> 00:32:11,844
Yes, Miss Pringle, I teach them.
435
00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:13,960
Well, I was wondering
how they got their name?
436
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:17,527
- It's to do with Rome, ancient Rome.
- It's from the Latin.
437
00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:21,851
So it's just a coincidence
that they sound so romantic?
438
00:32:21,851 --> 00:32:24,571
Actually, I'm thinking
of switching to economics.
439
00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:25,590
Oh.
440
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:28,045
He is...
441
00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:35,282
Let Miss Pringle worship Ray.
442
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:39,804
Ray.
443
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:56,088
I can do abso-fucking-lutely anything.
444
00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:08,966
Yeah.
445
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:13,083
Me be President of the United States.
446
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:19,446
Hmm.
447
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:21,081
That's funny.
448
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:23,005
Me be President of the United States.
449
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:25,604
- Thank God we found you, sir.
- Sorry?
450
00:33:25,604 --> 00:33:27,200
We've been looking for you everywhere.
451
00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:28,446
Oh, my God!
452
00:33:28,446 --> 00:33:30,642
Help! Help! Guns! They're shooting!
453
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:33,847
Move, move, move! Move!
454
00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,406
I am sorry about that, Mr President.
455
00:33:41,406 --> 00:33:45,604
Now, here are the briefing papers
for Syria, the deficit,
456
00:33:45,604 --> 00:33:48,530
Israel and the Middle East,
China, global warming,
457
00:33:48,530 --> 00:33:51,849
unemployment and the
Arctic Wildlife Reserve.
458
00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:54,284
They're shooting!
459
00:33:54,284 --> 00:33:56,806
Me be my old self at home!
460
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:06,882
I can do anything.
461
00:34:08,720 --> 00:34:11,963
OK, but what do I really want?
462
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:20,289
Give me a really big dick.
463
00:34:20,840 --> 00:34:21,966
Ouch!
464
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:24,808
Ouch, not that big, obviously!
465
00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:27,402
Just... Dick, return to the old size.
466
00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:30,270
Oh!
467
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:38,366
OK, um... Let me have a penis
that women find exciting.
468
00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:43,249
Yeah, it's good, yeah.
Can I have it in white?
469
00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:45,725
Right, OK, um...
470
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:48,684
Let me have a really great body.
471
00:34:50,160 --> 00:34:51,366
Wow.
472
00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:54,207
No.
473
00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:57,729
Um, no, look, no, look,
give me the body of a great man.
474
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,206
What the fuck? Not Albert Einstein.
475
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:05,362
Let me have the great body of a man.
476
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:16,204
Me be able to see
Catherine from downstairs, now.
477
00:35:30,240 --> 00:35:31,480
Shit.
478
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:35,565
Let me not be able to see her.
479
00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:37,809
No, I don't mean me go blind.
480
00:35:38,720 --> 00:35:40,768
Let me be able to see
but floor be as it was.
481
00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:50,006
Uh, Catherine from downstairs,
forget what just happened.
482
00:35:58,160 --> 00:35:59,650
Move out of the way.
483
00:35:59,650 --> 00:36:01,609
Thank you. Quiet, please. Quietly.
484
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:15,527
- Um. Ray?
- Hmm?
485
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:19,925
You know earlier on we were talking
about being able to do anything?
486
00:36:19,925 --> 00:36:21,968
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, well, um...
487
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:28,330
This is going to sound kind of stupid
but suddenly I can.
488
00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:31,330
- Can what?
- Do anything.
489
00:36:31,330 --> 00:36:32,646
Just make things happen.
490
00:36:32,646 --> 00:36:36,367
Things that shouldn't happen,
I just wave my hand and they do.
491
00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:39,166
You feeling OK?
492
00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:41,849
Yeah, um, just look.
493
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:47,126
You, tell us who you were.
494
00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:50,564
You'll never believe this
but I was a conjuror!
495
00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:53,487
I went by the name of The Great Alfredo.
496
00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:56,289
Real name was Reg Hoskins.
497
00:36:56,800 --> 00:37:00,566
I did variety, clubs,
private parties, the lot.
498
00:37:00,566 --> 00:37:02,520
What is this?
3D projection or something, right?
499
00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:04,968
Course, it's all gone now.
500
00:37:04,968 --> 00:37:06,365
- I blame the wogs.
- Hey!
501
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:08,483
All that black minstrel stuff.
502
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:10,206
Once they started allowing that...
503
00:37:10,206 --> 00:37:11,560
That's not me, that's what I'm saying.
It's...
504
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:14,484
Jews took over the business.
It was never the same again.
505
00:37:14,484 --> 00:37:16,164
Just go and jump out the window.
506
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:18,529
Right-o. Watch this.
507
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:32,207
What...
508
00:37:32,680 --> 00:37:35,251
- How did you do that?
- I don't know.
509
00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:38,242
I could swear it was the skeleton talking.
510
00:37:38,242 --> 00:37:40,891
- Yeah, it was.
- OK.
511
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:42,566
Let me see you do another one.
512
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:44,525
Well, what? I can't think of anything.
513
00:37:44,525 --> 00:37:48,526
Oh, come on.
You know, how about some flowers?
514
00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:51,363
Bunch of flowers in my hand.
515
00:37:51,363 --> 00:37:55,081
It's pathetic.
How about room be covered in flowers?
516
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:57,886
Come on, Ray.
517
00:37:59,240 --> 00:38:01,208
Ray. Think of something more imaginative.
518
00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:06,647
Bloody hell, Palmer.
Did you just throw this out the window?
519
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:09,327
Neil. Did you throw this out the window?
520
00:38:09,327 --> 00:38:10,646
That's very funny.
521
00:38:10,646 --> 00:38:13,240
What are you doing here?
Go on, get on home. I'll cover for you.
522
00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:15,646
Oh, my God.
523
00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:21,087
This is the best sandwich I've ever tasted.
524
00:38:21,720 --> 00:38:22,881
Told you.
525
00:38:23,240 --> 00:38:25,447
You know what? We could own a racehorse.
526
00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:29,724
Ray, we could own
every racehorse in the world.
527
00:38:29,724 --> 00:38:30,921
No shit.
528
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:42,531
- We win every time?
- They're all ours.
529
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:45,887
Let's forget about the horses.
530
00:38:45,887 --> 00:38:47,922
We could have anything, Neil.
531
00:38:47,922 --> 00:38:50,571
Wealth, fame. Women.
532
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:54,890
We could make any woman
fall in love with us.
533
00:38:54,890 --> 00:38:57,526
Neil, any woman we want.
534
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:01,844
Goodnight, Catherine.
See you later.
535
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,124
Jump in, babe.
536
00:39:07,124 --> 00:39:09,607
Kerb crawling is illegal
in this country, Grant.
537
00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:12,605
That doesn't really apply to people
with my security clearance.
538
00:39:12,605 --> 00:39:14,400
Besides, how else are
you going to get home?
539
00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:15,930
On the Tube. Go away.
540
00:39:15,930 --> 00:39:19,602
The London Underground is worse than
anything we ever did in Guantanamo.
541
00:39:19,602 --> 00:39:22,291
- You don't deserve that.
- No, I don't deserve this, either.
542
00:39:22,291 --> 00:39:25,011
- Please, leave me alone.
- OK, OK, I get it.
543
00:39:25,011 --> 00:39:26,640
But you gotta let me down gently, huh?
544
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:28,321
What does that mean?
545
00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:31,040
Well, there's somebody else, right?
546
00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:33,442
No, Grant, that's not what this is about.
547
00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:34,727
It's...
548
00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:37,330
You and I are not compatible.
549
00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:42,124
So, we could grab some
coffee, sit and talk.
550
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:45,000
What would that even achieve?
There's nothing to talk about.
551
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:48,201
Except for the luxury
apartment I rented for us.
552
00:39:48,201 --> 00:39:49,880
It's got a view of St Paul's Cathedral.
553
00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:53,811
Oh, my God. Go home, Grant.
554
00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:56,324
- Here's the key.
- I don't want it.
555
00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:58,166
And when I get you up there,
556
00:39:58,166 --> 00:40:01,164
you're going to think you died
and went to heaven.
557
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:41,284
- Fuck Grant.
- Oh, yeah, fuck Grant.
558
00:40:41,284 --> 00:40:42,691
Fuck Grant.
559
00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:50,006
Fuck James Cleverill.
560
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:57,569
Fuck all TV producers.
561
00:40:57,569 --> 00:40:59,921
Especially ones that say
you can sleep with them.
562
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:01,969
But if I play my cards right.
563
00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:15,249
Why do I always end up
with the control freaks?
564
00:41:15,249 --> 00:41:16,845
- Or gays.
- Yeah.
565
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:19,608
- Who?
- Him upstairs.
566
00:41:20,360 --> 00:41:21,850
Oh, honey, he's not gay.
567
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:25,366
He's attractive. He's kind.
568
00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:27,445
Well, then, fuck him.
569
00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:30,564
- No, he's nice.
- No, I don't mean fuck him.
570
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:34,240
I mean fuck him.
571
00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:41,288
- You mean fuck him?
- Yeah.
572
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:43,928
- What, right now?
- No, not now.
573
00:41:44,840 --> 00:41:46,560
You've got to let me do your make-up first.
574
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:53,691
Malfunction.
Galactic power failure.
575
00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:57,091
Bother, we'll have to suspend the test.
576
00:41:57,091 --> 00:41:59,441
- What?
- This is on the blink, Sharon.
577
00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:03,287
The earthling won't have galactic power
until I get it working again.
578
00:42:03,287 --> 00:42:04,680
Botheration!
579
00:42:05,040 --> 00:42:08,681
I thought our galactic powers
meant we could do anything?
580
00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:16,771
Catherine from downstairs,
be madly in love with me.
581
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:19,206
That was quick.
582
00:42:23,720 --> 00:42:25,085
- Hi.
- Hi.
583
00:42:25,085 --> 00:42:27,567
- Um, you're not gay, are you?
- No, no.
584
00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:39,483
- Let's go to bed.
- OK.
585
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:45,851
Oh, shit!
586
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:49,331
Ow, my leg!
587
00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:55,320
Got it.
588
00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:59,567
Galactic power
now returning to earthling.
589
00:43:31,680 --> 00:43:34,411
Weather, be like it is in Los Angeles.
590
00:43:36,720 --> 00:43:39,769
I didn't mean be like it is in Los Angeles
right this moment.
591
00:43:39,769 --> 00:43:42,486
It's the middle of the night,
for crying out loud.
592
00:43:42,486 --> 00:43:44,887
Weather, be like it usually is
593
00:43:44,887 --> 00:43:47,207
in Los Angeles during the day.
594
00:43:48,640 --> 00:43:50,369
So pedantic.
595
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:55,201
All right.
596
00:43:58,560 --> 00:44:00,449
Clothes, get dressed on me.
597
00:44:05,400 --> 00:44:06,765
And smarten yourselves up.
598
00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:08,647
Better.
599
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,445
Miss Pringle, this really...
600
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:36,840
has to stop.
601
00:44:37,240 --> 00:44:40,369
- Oh, Lord.
- Oh, Lord.
602
00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:47,922
Yeah.
603
00:44:49,280 --> 00:44:51,282
Ah. OK.
604
00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:54,047
That was a very interesting... Ow! Ow!
605
00:44:54,047 --> 00:44:55,770
Could you just stop that, please?
606
00:44:55,770 --> 00:44:59,282
You, stop tapping.
Let's just have a break, shall we? Just...
607
00:45:00,320 --> 00:45:02,368
Right, what's next?
608
00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:04,440
Ooh.
609
00:45:04,440 --> 00:45:07,051
This one's in German. Wow.
610
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:11,489
Let me be able to understand German.
611
00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:18,207
What are you talking about, Dennis?
612
00:45:18,207 --> 00:45:21,124
Look, just shut up, OK? I can handle this.
613
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:24,241
She's not going to ask me to marry her.
614
00:45:24,241 --> 00:45:27,722
Or have my children, OK?
615
00:45:27,722 --> 00:45:30,849
Dennis, what are you talking about?
616
00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:36,163
That's a good idea, actually.
What are you talking about?
617
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:37,561
Dennis, be able to talk.
618
00:45:37,561 --> 00:45:38,926
Biscuits.
619
00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:42,928
- What?
- Biscuits.
620
00:45:42,928 --> 00:45:45,526
Maybe if I make her fall in love with me
like a little bit, you know,
621
00:45:45,526 --> 00:45:47,051
so she doesn't want to marry me
622
00:45:47,051 --> 00:45:48,400
- but she would have sex on a regular...
- Biscuits.
623
00:45:48,840 --> 00:45:51,491
- For crying out loud, they're in the cupboard.
- What are?
624
00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:54,690
Biscuits. Red biscuits, black biscuits.
625
00:45:54,690 --> 00:45:56,762
- Nothing else matters.
- Is that all you think about?
626
00:45:56,762 --> 00:45:58,604
Yes, yes! Biscuits.
627
00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:04,287
All right, Dennis,
become a rational, thinking creature.
628
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:07,844
Look, I just can't concentrate on anything
until I've had one of those biscuits.
629
00:46:07,844 --> 00:46:10,960
I know it's crazy but that's how it is.
I guess I'm kind of hooked on them.
630
00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:12,843
So please give me just one biscuit,
631
00:46:12,843 --> 00:46:15,531
then I'll be able to think
about something else.
632
00:46:16,240 --> 00:46:17,366
That makes sense.
633
00:46:17,366 --> 00:46:19,841
Oh, oh, oh! He's getting the biscuits!
He's getting them! This is it!
634
00:46:19,841 --> 00:46:20,967
Yeah!
635
00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:25,203
He's got them.
636
00:46:25,203 --> 00:46:28,568
He's got them. He's going to throw one.
Get ready, get ready. Here it comes.
637
00:46:28,568 --> 00:46:30,768
Ah! Mmm. Mmm.
638
00:46:32,600 --> 00:46:37,083
God, it must be terrible being a dog.
I never realised you had so many cravings.
639
00:46:37,083 --> 00:46:39,726
- It's no worse than you and that bitch.
- What bitch?
640
00:46:39,726 --> 00:46:41,922
The bitch you were shagging last night.
641
00:46:41,922 --> 00:46:46,329
Oh, my God. She's not a bitch, OK?
She's a lovely human female.
642
00:46:46,329 --> 00:46:47,561
And we weren't just shagging.
643
00:46:47,561 --> 00:46:50,246
Right. Come to think of it, I wouldn't
mind shagging your leg right now.
644
00:46:50,246 --> 00:46:52,480
A little leg dance, huh?
Just above the sock.
645
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:54,289
- Ah...
- How about it? Come on, Daddy.
646
00:46:54,289 --> 00:46:57,244
I thought I turned you into
a rational, thinking creature.
647
00:46:57,600 --> 00:46:59,807
Rational, thinking creatures
still have desires.
648
00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:01,924
Oh, well,
we can soon deal with that.
649
00:47:01,924 --> 00:47:03,240
No!
650
00:47:03,480 --> 00:47:06,643
- No, no, don't take my desires away from me.
- Why not?
651
00:47:06,643 --> 00:47:10,167
They're what makes my life worth living.
Biscuits, shagging.
652
00:47:10,167 --> 00:47:12,567
I don't think I like your conversation.
653
00:47:12,567 --> 00:47:15,490
But I worship you, master.
I love you so much.
654
00:47:15,490 --> 00:47:17,170
- I can't bear displeasing you.
- I... I know.
655
00:47:17,170 --> 00:47:18,810
- My whole world collapses...
- I know. Yes. I love you.
656
00:47:18,810 --> 00:47:19,921
...when you're cross with me.
657
00:47:19,921 --> 00:47:21,166
Look, maybe it was better
when you didn't talk.
658
00:47:21,166 --> 00:47:24,483
Oh, no, don't take away my power of speech
now that I can think rationally.
659
00:47:24,483 --> 00:47:25,965
That would be so cruel.
660
00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:28,805
- I heard the bell. Somebody at the door.
- OK, no...
661
00:47:28,805 --> 00:47:30,763
- The bell! Hey! The bell!
- No, no. Dennis. Dennis, good dog.
662
00:47:30,763 --> 00:47:31,921
- Hello, the bell!
- Dennis... Dennis.
663
00:47:31,921 --> 00:47:33,086
- Hey, hey, somebody.
- Just... Just quiet.
664
00:47:33,086 --> 00:47:35,362
There it goes again.
Hey, hey, somebody at the door.
665
00:47:35,362 --> 00:47:37,169
Oh, no, have I done something wrong again?
666
00:47:37,169 --> 00:47:39,248
No, just... Just be quiet.
Do you understand me?
667
00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:43,165
Yes. Yes, anything to stop you
being angry with me.
668
00:47:43,165 --> 00:47:44,810
The bell! There it goes again!
669
00:47:44,810 --> 00:47:46,086
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
670
00:47:46,086 --> 00:47:48,248
Dennis, listen. Just listen,
listen, listen, listen.
671
00:47:48,248 --> 00:47:50,169
Be quiet. That is an order.
672
00:47:50,169 --> 00:47:52,442
Right. Quiet.
673
00:47:52,442 --> 00:47:55,290
I like obeying orders,
especially your orders.
674
00:47:55,290 --> 00:47:58,165
Good. Well, then, shut the fuck up.
675
00:47:58,165 --> 00:48:00,760
Right, right. Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, right.
676
00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:05,281
Good boy.
677
00:48:09,960 --> 00:48:15,808
Oh, God, I made her do it.
I made her do it... I... OK.
678
00:48:17,000 --> 00:48:19,128
- Hi.
- Hey.
679
00:48:19,128 --> 00:48:22,004
- Can I come in?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.
680
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:28,126
- So, look, um, about last night...
- Yes.
681
00:48:28,126 --> 00:48:30,441
- Is this a bad time?
- No, no. No, no.
682
00:48:30,441 --> 00:48:32,448
OK. Um, I just... I don't want you to think
683
00:48:32,448 --> 00:48:35,802
that I, um, do that sort
of thing all the time
684
00:48:35,802 --> 00:48:38,411
because... Because I don't.
685
00:48:38,411 --> 00:48:41,324
- Um... I was slightly drunk.
- Yeah, well, I mean, naturally.
686
00:48:41,324 --> 00:48:43,323
Otherwise we probably wouldn't have
done the thing with the...
687
00:48:43,323 --> 00:48:45,010
- No, no, no, that's not what I mean.
- ...beard trimmer.
688
00:48:45,010 --> 00:48:49,045
I mean, I like you.
I, um, I've always really enjoyed talking to you.
689
00:48:49,045 --> 00:48:52,562
I just... I probably wouldn't have jumped
on you like that if I hadn't...
690
00:48:53,480 --> 00:48:57,041
- Been pissed as a newt?
- Well, sort of.
691
00:48:57,041 --> 00:48:59,965
Yeah, OK. Well, then, let's just forget it.
It never... It never happened.
692
00:48:59,965 --> 00:49:01,809
No, no, no, that's not
what I'm saying, Neil.
693
00:49:02,360 --> 00:49:04,522
Oh, well, um, what did you want, then?
694
00:49:05,200 --> 00:49:06,690
Shag her, Neil!
695
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:08,644
That's Dennis.
696
00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:13,210
- Dennis?
- Yeah. He is a plumber.
697
00:49:13,210 --> 00:49:16,050
Um, I'm having a few problems
with my waterworks. My water pipes.
698
00:49:16,050 --> 00:49:17,366
Shag her, Neil!
699
00:49:18,840 --> 00:49:21,680
I'd better get him the shagger.
It's a special wrench that plumbers use.
700
00:49:25,040 --> 00:49:26,371
I thought
I told you to shut up.
701
00:49:26,371 --> 00:49:28,602
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, sorry.
702
00:49:28,602 --> 00:49:30,370
You're supposed to be
a rational, thinking creature.
703
00:49:30,370 --> 00:49:33,284
Sorry, sorry. Can't help myself. Sorry.
Oh, dear. I wanna shag your leg.
704
00:49:33,284 --> 00:49:35,448
Shh. It's not a great time,
to be honest.
705
00:49:35,448 --> 00:49:37,050
Maybe later, if you behave.
706
00:49:37,050 --> 00:49:38,206
Oh...
707
00:49:38,206 --> 00:49:42,689
Oh... Couldn't... Couldn't find the shagger,
so he just went with the old decoupler.
708
00:49:42,689 --> 00:49:44,370
I love you, Neil!
709
00:49:44,370 --> 00:49:46,528
Shut up, Dennis!
710
00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:49,047
It's odd, isn't it,
shouting at the plumber like that?
711
00:49:49,047 --> 00:49:52,527
But, uh, the fact is he's my brother.
The plumber is my brother.
712
00:49:52,527 --> 00:49:54,961
Say you love me, Neil.
713
00:49:54,961 --> 00:49:56,241
And we're very close.
714
00:49:56,241 --> 00:49:58,408
- God, Rosie was right.
- Rosie?
715
00:49:58,408 --> 00:50:00,966
Please can I shag your leg?
716
00:50:01,440 --> 00:50:04,205
Jesus, Neil, how could you?
The next morning!
717
00:50:04,440 --> 00:50:05,726
What? I...
718
00:50:05,726 --> 00:50:09,441
- Why do I always end up with creeps?
- I'm not a creep!
719
00:50:09,441 --> 00:50:12,484
There was a cat, Neil!
Neil! Hey, you, cat!
720
00:50:12,484 --> 00:50:15,410
Stay out of my garden, go on!
Neil, it's a ginger tom!
721
00:50:17,080 --> 00:50:19,287
Dennis, be a dumb animal again
for five minutes.
722
00:50:22,440 --> 00:50:24,408
So she thinks I'm gay.
723
00:50:24,408 --> 00:50:26,886
I mean, so what, you know?
724
00:50:26,886 --> 00:50:30,129
I mean, it means that she won't want to
marry me or have my kids.
725
00:50:31,120 --> 00:50:33,282
Bingo. Problem solved.
726
00:50:34,120 --> 00:50:35,645
Thank you, Dennis.
727
00:50:41,840 --> 00:50:43,126
Catherine!
728
00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:48,604
Catherine!
729
00:50:50,960 --> 00:50:53,167
Um, me be on the bus.
730
00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:58,924
Ah! I don't mean on the bus.
I mean in the bus.
731
00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:04,648
Not in the engine.
In the passenger accommodation!
732
00:51:06,760 --> 00:51:07,510
Ow!
733
00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:12,641
Hey!
734
00:51:13,600 --> 00:51:14,647
Catherine!
735
00:51:24,800 --> 00:51:26,484
Catherine!
736
00:51:26,840 --> 00:51:28,330
Catherine!
737
00:51:28,720 --> 00:51:29,846
Whoa.
738
00:51:29,846 --> 00:51:31,962
- Ray.
- You've gotta stop Miss Pringle.
739
00:51:31,962 --> 00:51:34,731
She's... She's set up shrines
all over the school.
740
00:51:34,731 --> 00:51:36,171
There's even a website.
741
00:51:36,171 --> 00:51:37,810
Look, you wanted her to worship you, OK?
742
00:51:37,810 --> 00:51:39,842
- Not like this.
- Ray, I don't have time for this.
743
00:51:39,842 --> 00:51:41,849
Wait, wait, wait.
You haven't lost the powers, have you?
744
00:51:41,849 --> 00:51:44,201
- No, I haven't lost the powers. Ray.
- You have. You've lost the...
745
00:51:44,201 --> 00:51:45,367
- I haven't lost the powers.
- Do the thing.
746
00:51:45,367 --> 00:51:46,890
Ray, become a duck.
747
00:51:49,880 --> 00:51:54,920
Ray. Ray, stop it. Ray, stop it.
Ray, stop it. Ray, become a sausage.
748
00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:59,200
- I haven't lost the powers, Ray, OK? This is...
- Where is he, Neil?
749
00:51:59,680 --> 00:52:02,047
Oh. That's his car.
750
00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:05,842
Oh. Behold the car of Ray!
751
00:52:09,360 --> 00:52:12,170
- Catherine, can we talk?
- No.
752
00:52:12,170 --> 00:52:13,611
But I love you.
753
00:52:13,611 --> 00:52:15,529
You also love Dennis, apparently.
754
00:52:15,529 --> 00:52:17,927
- Did you take that off there?
- Uh, no, this is mine.
755
00:52:17,927 --> 00:52:19,405
- Yours?
- Yeah.
756
00:52:19,405 --> 00:52:21,170
Look, you've got it all wrong about Dennis.
757
00:52:21,170 --> 00:52:24,881
I've nothing whatsoever against Dennis.
You love him, he loves you.
758
00:52:24,881 --> 00:52:27,120
I'm happy for both of you.
Just don't bring me into it.
759
00:52:27,120 --> 00:52:29,402
Yeah, no, but there's something I need
to tell you about Dennis.
760
00:52:29,402 --> 00:52:31,522
You are going to have to pay for that
now that you've touched it.
761
00:52:31,522 --> 00:52:33,164
- It's mine!
- No, it isn't.
762
00:52:33,164 --> 00:52:34,685
Look, I heard what you
said to each other, Neil.
763
00:52:34,685 --> 00:52:37,007
Yeah, look. There's something crucial
about Dennis you don't know.
764
00:52:37,007 --> 00:52:38,081
- Hey!
- He's not a man.
765
00:52:38,081 --> 00:52:39,361
I don't want to hear this, Neil.
766
00:52:39,361 --> 00:52:40,891
I know, but I'm just saying,
he's not a man.
767
00:52:40,891 --> 00:52:42,763
Ow! Ah! Hell's tits!
768
00:52:42,763 --> 00:52:44,245
- You pervert!
- Ow!
769
00:52:44,245 --> 00:52:45,800
You come in here and steal our stuff?
770
00:52:45,800 --> 00:52:46,887
I told you, that's not your sausage.
771
00:52:46,887 --> 00:52:49,161
- It is my sausage. Give it back.
- Get off. Be careful, be careful.
772
00:52:49,161 --> 00:52:50,765
- Just let go!
- Oh, God!
773
00:52:50,765 --> 00:52:53,411
- Give me 80p.
- Fine.
774
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:57,048
- I'll just get your change.
- No, it's... Never mind. It's...
775
00:52:57,048 --> 00:52:58,411
Well, no, cos it's £4.20.
776
00:52:58,411 --> 00:53:00,442
- Keep it.
- It's too much for a tip.
777
00:53:00,442 --> 00:53:03,450
- Have it your way.
- I should think so, too. Jesus.
778
00:53:05,600 --> 00:53:08,285
Feck. Sausage, become Ray.
779
00:53:08,920 --> 00:53:13,403
Jesus, Neil. Have you any idea
how vulnerable a sausage feels?
780
00:53:13,680 --> 00:53:14,886
There he is!
781
00:53:16,440 --> 00:53:17,930
I'm off!
782
00:53:18,360 --> 00:53:20,761
- Leave me alone, you nutters!
- Ray! Ray!
783
00:53:20,761 --> 00:53:23,400
Here you go. You must have been hungry.
784
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:29,808
It's clear he has no idea of doing
any good whatsoever.
785
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:33,965
Why can't we just get on
with the destruction?
786
00:53:33,965 --> 00:53:36,122
Because there are rules, Maureen.
787
00:53:36,122 --> 00:53:38,043
We must follow galactic procedure.
788
00:53:38,043 --> 00:53:42,808
Rules didn't stop you from eating
the inhabitants of G4378, Janet!
789
00:53:42,808 --> 00:53:45,440
They were delicious.
Very crunchy, as I recall...
790
00:53:50,920 --> 00:53:52,649
- Surprise, surprise!
- Oh, my God!
791
00:53:52,649 --> 00:53:54,808
- No!
- Wait. Wait, wait. Catherine!
792
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:57,401
You're crazy, do you know that?
793
00:53:57,401 --> 00:54:00,080
Crazy in love, darlin'.
794
00:54:00,080 --> 00:54:02,129
Get out of my flat, Grant.
795
00:54:02,129 --> 00:54:03,650
Well, I can't because
you've locked the door now, babe.
796
00:54:03,650 --> 00:54:05,609
Well, then, get out the way you got in.
797
00:54:05,609 --> 00:54:08,849
Oh, honey, come on, now. That ain't nice!
798
00:54:08,849 --> 00:54:12,169
Just get out, Grant.
I never want to see you again!
799
00:54:12,169 --> 00:54:13,964
Get out of my life!
800
00:54:13,964 --> 00:54:15,650
Get out!
801
00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:18,248
Come on, now, open the door.
802
00:54:18,248 --> 00:54:21,000
Sorry. Sorry about the noise.
803
00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:23,364
At least it wasn't barking.
804
00:54:23,364 --> 00:54:25,329
Feck off. Not you.
805
00:54:25,329 --> 00:54:26,885
- Walk out the front door, OK?
- Honey!
806
00:54:26,885 --> 00:54:28,883
Then sneak in the back.
Make your way up to my place. No moves.
807
00:54:28,883 --> 00:54:31,440
- No, no, no funny business.
- Come on. Let the love shine through.
808
00:54:31,440 --> 00:54:32,851
You can just stay out of his way
809
00:54:32,851 --> 00:54:34,843
- and I will make you dinner.
- Love me!
810
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,209
- I hate doors!
- All right.
811
00:54:37,209 --> 00:54:38,810
But invite Dennis.
We'll behave like grown-ups.
812
00:54:38,810 --> 00:54:40,524
- Catherine?
- OK.
813
00:54:40,524 --> 00:54:42,440
- Catherine, come back.
- I'm leaving!
814
00:54:42,440 --> 00:54:46,644
OK. I'm coming!
Hold on. Wait for me, now.
815
00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:50,850
She's coming to dinner!
816
00:54:50,850 --> 00:54:53,281
This episode looks at doggy fantasies.
817
00:54:53,281 --> 00:54:55,727
Whoa. Hey! It was just about to start.
818
00:54:55,727 --> 00:54:57,882
She's coming to dinner.
819
00:54:57,882 --> 00:55:00,327
- Who?
- Catherine.
820
00:55:00,327 --> 00:55:02,044
Oh, the bitch.
821
00:55:02,044 --> 00:55:05,881
Don't call her that, all right?
I don't want you chipping in, either, OK?
822
00:55:05,881 --> 00:55:07,843
Just pretend to be a dumb animal again.
823
00:55:08,240 --> 00:55:09,571
Me? A dumb animal?
824
00:55:09,571 --> 00:55:11,643
Yeah, well, you know how to pretend,
don't you?
825
00:55:11,643 --> 00:55:13,211
It's just... It's called acting.
826
00:55:13,211 --> 00:55:15,240
Oh, you mean like when I'm having
my tummy tickled?
827
00:55:15,640 --> 00:55:18,723
- You love having your tummy tickled.
- No, I don't.
828
00:55:19,520 --> 00:55:22,091
- What?
- It's a sham, Neil. All dogs do it.
829
00:55:22,640 --> 00:55:26,042
- Why?
- Why do humans like tickling dogs' tummies?
830
00:55:26,042 --> 00:55:28,004
Because they love
having their tummies tickled.
831
00:55:28,004 --> 00:55:32,369
Uh-uh. Dogs pretend to like it because
they know human beings like doing it.
832
00:55:33,240 --> 00:55:38,087
Well, just pretend to be
a perfectly ordinary dog, OK?
833
00:55:38,087 --> 00:55:40,561
Can't I join in the
conversation just a little bit?
834
00:55:40,561 --> 00:55:43,922
- No.
- That is so cruel.
835
00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:49,286
Somebody at the door! Hey! Hey! It's the bell!
It's the bell! It's the bell! It's the bell!
836
00:55:49,286 --> 00:55:51,761
- I know it's the bell, Dennis.
- Right. No, no, sorry.
837
00:55:51,761 --> 00:55:55,407
Just one more peep out of you, OK,
and the flea collar is going back on again.
838
00:55:56,080 --> 00:55:59,050
Right, right, right.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
839
00:55:59,050 --> 00:56:00,360
Bark.
840
00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:02,606
Woof.
841
00:56:03,120 --> 00:56:04,451
Do it properly.
842
00:56:04,920 --> 00:56:07,969
Yeah, good. OK, thank you.
843
00:56:07,969 --> 00:56:09,525
Got it.
844
00:56:11,040 --> 00:56:12,121
- Hi.
- Has he gone?
845
00:56:12,121 --> 00:56:13,565
No, I don't think so.
846
00:56:14,040 --> 00:56:15,883
- Ooh!
- Dennis, down.
847
00:56:16,800 --> 00:56:19,280
You named him after the plumber,
then, did you?
848
00:56:19,280 --> 00:56:20,771
Uh...
849
00:56:22,240 --> 00:56:25,244
Ah. Do you want your tummy tickled?
850
00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:28,246
Why do dogs like that so much?
851
00:56:29,560 --> 00:56:31,050
I don't know.
852
00:56:35,880 --> 00:56:38,645
So the producer promises to take me
out of the general office
853
00:56:38,645 --> 00:56:41,166
and give me a big desk with a view,
but he won't.
854
00:56:41,480 --> 00:56:44,643
He's just trying to get me into bed.
855
00:56:47,240 --> 00:56:48,844
What did you want to tell me?
856
00:56:49,560 --> 00:56:51,324
Uh, just try this first.
857
00:57:03,520 --> 00:57:04,601
Mmm.
858
00:57:07,160 --> 00:57:08,525
Oh, that's incredible.
859
00:57:10,800 --> 00:57:14,282
That's the most wonderful thing
I've ever tasted in my life.
860
00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:22,166
Mmm. I had no idea you were
such a fantastic cook.
861
00:57:22,166 --> 00:57:25,841
I've... I've... It's unlike anything
I've ever tasted. What is it?
862
00:57:26,560 --> 00:57:30,360
I just said, "Let the soup be the most
amazing thing Catherine has ever tasted,
863
00:57:30,360 --> 00:57:32,369
"unlike anything she's tasted before."
864
00:57:32,369 --> 00:57:35,847
- And it is.
- Really?
865
00:57:35,847 --> 00:57:42,843
Really. I can make things happen. Anything.
866
00:57:44,080 --> 00:57:46,003
That's what I was trying to tell you
this morning, you know?
867
00:57:46,003 --> 00:57:48,327
I wasn't talking to a live-in
homosexual plumber.
868
00:57:48,327 --> 00:57:50,050
I was talking to Dennis.
869
00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:52,848
- The dog?
- Dennis the dog.
870
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:58,408
- Who answered you back?
- Yeah, because I made him talk.
871
00:58:00,280 --> 00:58:02,567
- Oh.
- With my powers.
872
00:58:04,080 --> 00:58:05,605
Special powers?
873
00:58:06,880 --> 00:58:09,360
I mean, what, you... You want a bigger desk?
You got it.
874
00:58:09,360 --> 00:58:11,249
You want a great view? You got it.
875
00:58:12,240 --> 00:58:16,928
Um... Neil, how long have you had
these special powers?
876
00:58:17,560 --> 00:58:19,369
Well, they came upon me very suddenly.
877
00:58:19,369 --> 00:58:22,762
- Very suddenly?
- Yeah, I was knocked off my bike.
878
00:58:23,400 --> 00:58:24,765
Just ask me to do something, anything.
879
00:58:24,765 --> 00:58:28,088
- Just, you know...
- Listen, Neil, it's... It's OK.
880
00:58:28,800 --> 00:58:30,211
You can get help with this.
881
00:58:30,211 --> 00:58:31,770
Son of a bitch!
882
00:58:31,770 --> 00:58:32,520
Oh!
883
00:58:33,400 --> 00:58:34,811
Shit, Grant!
884
00:58:34,811 --> 00:58:36,081
I'm out of here!
885
00:58:36,081 --> 00:58:38,607
- There's nobody else, huh?
- Who is this guy?
886
00:58:38,607 --> 00:58:40,927
She didn't tell you? I'm her fiancé.
887
00:58:40,927 --> 00:58:42,644
- You're not my fiancé, Grant.
- Oh, yeah?
888
00:58:42,644 --> 00:58:45,081
And you weren't just making out
with this apology of a man?
889
00:58:45,081 --> 00:58:46,406
Stop this.
890
00:58:46,406 --> 00:58:48,403
You know how long you'd last
on a battlefield, soldier?
891
00:58:48,403 --> 00:58:49,601
I'm sorry, Neil.
892
00:58:49,601 --> 00:58:51,722
- That long.
- I'm warning you.
893
00:58:52,120 --> 00:58:54,600
- You're warning me?
- Yeah, I'm warning you.
894
00:58:54,600 --> 00:58:56,244
Who is this guy?
895
00:58:56,244 --> 00:58:58,243
- Why don't you suck on this, asshole?
- Grant!
896
00:58:58,560 --> 00:59:01,450
All I have to do is go like this and...
And say what?
897
00:59:01,450 --> 00:59:04,802
- Where did you find this fruitcake?
- Put that away, Grant.
898
00:59:04,802 --> 00:59:07,082
Uh, what can I say? Grant, become a fairy?
899
00:59:07,082 --> 00:59:09,640
- It's Grant, not...
- ...Grant.
900
00:59:09,640 --> 00:59:11,728
- Stop it.
- And you're the goddamn fairy.
901
00:59:11,728 --> 00:59:13,769
How about Grant go back
to where you came from?
902
00:59:13,769 --> 00:59:16,201
- It's Grant.
- How about kiss my arse, Grant?
903
00:59:16,201 --> 00:59:17,970
Neil, don't. He's crazy.
904
00:59:17,970 --> 00:59:21,647
How about you say, "Please, Grant,
don't put a bullet through my brain?"
905
00:59:21,647 --> 00:59:25,611
- Grant, stop it!
- I prefer, "Let all bullets bounce off me."
906
00:59:25,611 --> 00:59:29,441
- Go on, shoot me.
- Oh, my God. You're both crazy.
907
00:59:29,441 --> 00:59:31,562
- He doesn't dare.
- Neil, please, please.
908
00:59:31,562 --> 00:59:34,246
Go on, pull the trigger.
What's the matter, "Grant"?
909
00:59:34,246 --> 00:59:35,651
- Shut up.
- Go on, shoot me.
910
00:59:35,651 --> 00:59:37,285
- Neil, he will.
- No, he won't.
911
00:59:37,285 --> 00:59:40,290
- Yes, I will.
- No, you won't. Grant, drop the gun.
912
00:59:40,290 --> 00:59:42,322
You little shit!
913
00:59:44,160 --> 00:59:45,969
You're idiots, both of you.
914
00:59:45,969 --> 00:59:47,081
I wouldn't do this if I were you.
915
00:59:47,081 --> 00:59:48,161
"I wouldn't do
this if I were you."
916
00:59:48,161 --> 00:59:49,406
God, I hate the English.
917
00:59:54,520 --> 00:59:57,000
Let Grant's arm break if
he tries to throttle me.
918
00:59:57,000 --> 00:59:58,770
Shut up. It's Grant!
919
00:59:58,770 --> 00:59:59,520
Oh!
920
01:00:01,000 --> 01:00:02,604
Help! Help! Help!
921
01:00:02,604 --> 01:00:03,841
Who the heck was that?
922
01:00:03,841 --> 01:00:06,002
Uh, that's Dennis.
923
01:00:06,002 --> 01:00:07,207
Ow.
924
01:00:10,520 --> 01:00:15,686
It's just a dog! English dick.
925
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:20,127
- Ow! Ow... Shit! Shit! What happened?
- Yeah, yeah.
926
01:00:20,127 --> 01:00:22,726
- Do you want me to make it better?
- It hurts.
927
01:00:22,726 --> 01:00:24,484
Grant's arm be better.
928
01:00:27,640 --> 01:00:30,211
Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, what is this?
929
01:00:31,040 --> 01:00:33,008
Grant be stuck on the ceiling.
930
01:00:33,008 --> 01:00:34,565
Oh, shit!
931
01:00:34,565 --> 01:00:35,920
Grant be plastered to the wall.
932
01:00:36,960 --> 01:00:39,167
Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk about this.
933
01:00:39,167 --> 01:00:41,521
Grant be buried head
first in the plant pot.
934
01:00:41,521 --> 01:00:43,050
What do you mean, potted plant?
935
01:00:45,720 --> 01:00:47,882
Grant be standing in front of me.
936
01:00:52,400 --> 01:00:55,404
Yeah. You wanna be nice to me, Grant, OK?
937
01:00:55,404 --> 01:00:56,686
Maybe I can help you.
938
01:00:56,920 --> 01:01:01,403
- You?
- I could make your life absolutely hell
939
01:01:01,403 --> 01:01:04,251
or I could say,
"Grant be holding a million dollars."
940
01:01:07,920 --> 01:01:09,000
Oh, yeah!
941
01:01:11,160 --> 01:01:13,686
Or I could say,
"A million dollars, disappear."
942
01:01:14,520 --> 01:01:15,601
Fuck! Come on!
943
01:01:16,920 --> 01:01:20,447
I can do anything.
All I have to do is wave my hand.
944
01:01:21,440 --> 01:01:23,681
- You gotta wave your hand?
- That's right.
945
01:01:24,240 --> 01:01:26,925
Isn't he great? I love you.
I love you so much.
946
01:01:26,925 --> 01:01:29,367
- Dennis, keep out of this.
- But you are great, Neil.
947
01:01:29,367 --> 01:01:31,727
- You can do anything.
- Dennis, shut up. I'm not...
948
01:01:31,727 --> 01:01:33,888
Master! Neil!
949
01:01:41,680 --> 01:01:45,366
- Hi. Made your mind up yet?
- How about tonight?
950
01:01:45,800 --> 01:01:47,450
Good girl. 8:00, my place.
951
01:01:47,450 --> 01:01:49,961
Yeah. I always pick the wrong guy, anyway.
952
01:01:49,961 --> 01:01:53,448
Oh, and, uh, I got you a new desk.
953
01:02:29,480 --> 01:02:30,561
Hey!
954
01:02:30,561 --> 01:02:36,130
Well, it's about time. Now, listen up.
When I take that gag out of your mouth,
955
01:02:36,130 --> 01:02:39,323
you're going to say exactly what's on that
piece of paper, you understand?
956
01:02:39,323 --> 01:02:45,123
The moment you say a word that is not on
that piece of paper, I kill the dog.
957
01:02:46,160 --> 01:02:47,680
Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
958
01:02:47,680 --> 01:02:49,524
Understand? Nod if you understand.
959
01:02:51,920 --> 01:02:58,485
OK. OK. I'm going to take the gag out now.
Remember, one wrong word
960
01:02:59,960 --> 01:03:01,689
and the dog gets it.
961
01:03:03,880 --> 01:03:10,365
OK, read. Item number one, let's go.
Come on.
962
01:03:10,365 --> 01:03:13,126
"Item number one.
All pasty white Englishmen...
963
01:03:13,126 --> 01:03:16,044
"Pasty white Englishmen to get big ears
and webbed feet?"
964
01:03:19,720 --> 01:03:22,041
- Now wave your hand.
- What?
965
01:03:22,041 --> 01:03:23,724
Wave your hand!
966
01:03:23,724 --> 01:03:24,474
Oh!
967
01:03:28,400 --> 01:03:30,687
Yes! Yes! Oh, it's beautiful.
968
01:03:40,160 --> 01:03:43,164
Neil! Neil!
969
01:03:51,240 --> 01:03:52,571
Neil?
970
01:04:02,360 --> 01:04:03,885
Neil?
971
01:04:10,920 --> 01:04:12,081
Oh!
972
01:04:13,280 --> 01:04:14,441
You don't worship me, do you?
973
01:04:14,441 --> 01:04:18,246
What? Ray. You're Ray.
974
01:04:20,200 --> 01:04:21,770
- I can't find Neil.
- Isn't he here?
975
01:04:22,240 --> 01:04:23,366
He wasn't at school, either.
976
01:04:23,366 --> 01:04:26,091
Oh, I left him with my crazy,
gun-toting ex-boyfriend.
977
01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:29,362
- Neil's got these powers.
- No, I know, I know.
978
01:04:29,362 --> 01:04:30,521
Oh.
979
01:04:30,521 --> 01:04:34,446
He got Miss Pringle to... To worship me
and now she's turned me into a religion.
980
01:04:34,880 --> 01:04:36,962
- They think I'm immortal.
- So what?
981
01:04:37,720 --> 01:04:40,724
They want me to prove it
by rising from the dead.
982
01:04:42,360 --> 01:04:43,771
We've got to find Neil.
983
01:04:44,960 --> 01:04:46,610
Wait.
984
01:04:48,400 --> 01:04:50,641
Hey! Hey!
985
01:04:51,120 --> 01:04:52,645
What are you doing?
986
01:04:55,480 --> 01:04:56,925
No...
987
01:04:58,040 --> 01:04:59,121
Got it.
988
01:04:59,800 --> 01:05:01,325
- Where's your car?
- Why?
989
01:05:01,325 --> 01:05:02,606
I know where they are.
990
01:05:05,480 --> 01:05:08,006
It's just out here. We can... Shit!
991
01:05:08,640 --> 01:05:09,846
Lord.
992
01:05:09,846 --> 01:05:11,445
Oh, no. Run for it!
993
01:05:12,840 --> 01:05:15,684
Get him! Lord!
994
01:05:17,560 --> 01:05:18,800
Yeah!
995
01:05:18,800 --> 01:05:22,089
This is working beautifully.
OK, keep going. Number three. Let's go.
996
01:05:22,520 --> 01:05:28,527
OK. "Three. All British police
to have pink uniforms."
997
01:05:28,527 --> 01:05:30,608
My personal favourite.
998
01:05:33,000 --> 01:05:34,764
Ray!
999
01:05:35,000 --> 01:05:37,480
Lord! Come to us!
1000
01:05:38,760 --> 01:05:41,525
Ray! Ray!
1001
01:05:46,480 --> 01:05:48,005
What's this all about?
1002
01:05:48,800 --> 01:05:49,550
Oi!
1003
01:05:52,640 --> 01:05:53,880
Take that off!
1004
01:06:02,680 --> 01:06:03,727
There he is!
1005
01:06:34,640 --> 01:06:39,567
Oh! Oh... Oh, it's beautiful.
1006
01:06:39,567 --> 01:06:41,409
I can't believe it. All right, next one.
1007
01:06:41,409 --> 01:06:43,124
Come on, read.
1008
01:06:43,124 --> 01:06:46,204
"Let all traffic lights be
permanently set on green."
1009
01:06:46,204 --> 01:06:47,765
Come on. That's just...
1010
01:06:47,765 --> 01:06:50,326
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.
1011
01:06:50,326 --> 01:06:52,568
Huh? Do it, do it.
1012
01:06:56,440 --> 01:06:57,930
Wait. Now, listen.
1013
01:07:08,560 --> 01:07:10,050
All right.
1014
01:07:14,640 --> 01:07:16,440
Grant, are you in there?
1015
01:07:16,960 --> 01:07:20,169
Skip to the end. Hurry up.
Just skip to the end!
1016
01:07:21,040 --> 01:07:25,045
Skip to the end. Just...
There. Come on, quick. Read it.
1017
01:07:25,045 --> 01:07:29,011
Uh, uh... OK, OK,
"Item 417, Catherine West..."
1018
01:07:29,320 --> 01:07:30,367
- Come on.
- All right.
1019
01:07:31,320 --> 01:07:33,004
Let them go, Grant.
1020
01:07:33,004 --> 01:07:36,527
Why should I?
Go on, Neil. Read the last item.
1021
01:07:37,280 --> 01:07:42,730
"Item 417, Catherine West be madly, deeply
in love with Colonel Grant Kotchev
1022
01:07:43,280 --> 01:07:45,726
"and leap on him like a tigress
begging for sex."
1023
01:07:48,120 --> 01:07:51,044
- You bastard.
- Now, come on, now.
1024
01:07:51,044 --> 01:07:52,451
Wave your hand. Come on.
1025
01:07:52,451 --> 01:07:54,648
- Neil, don't!
- Or the dog gets it!
1026
01:07:54,648 --> 01:07:56,006
Don't let him shoot me, Neil.
1027
01:07:56,006 --> 01:07:57,445
Come on, wave your goddamn hand!
1028
01:07:57,445 --> 01:08:00,211
But I don't want to love him, Neil.
I don't want to go anywhere near him.
1029
01:08:00,211 --> 01:08:01,850
I don't wanna die.
1030
01:08:03,680 --> 01:08:05,250
Yeah.
1031
01:08:05,800 --> 01:08:10,727
Grant, I love you.
Please, please, let's have sex now.
1032
01:08:10,727 --> 01:08:12,165
Oh, yeah.
1033
01:08:15,280 --> 01:08:16,406
Dennis, be free.
1034
01:08:16,406 --> 01:08:18,084
I'm free! I'm free!
1035
01:08:18,084 --> 01:08:19,286
Please.
1036
01:08:19,286 --> 01:08:21,249
Uh, uh,
1037
01:08:21,249 --> 01:08:22,606
- Grant become a corgi!
- What?
1038
01:08:22,606 --> 01:08:23,966
Oh, shit.
1039
01:08:23,966 --> 01:08:25,241
Do it. Do it, Grant.
1040
01:08:26,320 --> 01:08:28,004
Do it, do it!
1041
01:08:28,560 --> 01:08:29,891
Me be free.
1042
01:08:30,680 --> 01:08:33,160
Yes, yes! Master.
1043
01:08:33,160 --> 01:08:35,163
- Yeah.
- You chose to save me rather than that bitch.
1044
01:08:35,163 --> 01:08:38,687
Yeah, don't call her that. Catherine be
her normal self and not in love with Grant.
1045
01:08:40,120 --> 01:08:41,167
Ugh!
1046
01:08:42,640 --> 01:08:44,768
And all Grant's wishes be cancelled.
1047
01:08:49,840 --> 01:08:50,887
- Ray!
- Oh, shit.
1048
01:08:50,887 --> 01:08:52,689
Oh, no. Get off me!
1049
01:08:52,689 --> 01:08:53,807
Neil, stop them!
1050
01:08:53,807 --> 01:08:56,406
Lord, show us how to conquer death!
1051
01:08:56,406 --> 01:08:59,006
Dorothy Pringle, think about Ray
the way that you used to.
1052
01:09:02,280 --> 01:09:05,648
- What the hell, Ray?
- It was nothing to do with me.
1053
01:09:06,200 --> 01:09:08,407
Get lost, you creep!
1054
01:09:08,407 --> 01:09:11,245
- Thank you.
- Everyone else, forget about Ray.
1055
01:09:13,840 --> 01:09:16,491
Thanks, Neil. Thanks a whole bunch.
1056
01:09:19,760 --> 01:09:21,330
Ray, could you take me home, please?
1057
01:09:21,330 --> 01:09:22,845
Sure.
1058
01:09:24,640 --> 01:09:26,881
I'm... I'm sorry...
1059
01:09:30,720 --> 01:09:32,529
Any thoughts?
1060
01:09:33,120 --> 01:09:37,444
- Pathetic!
- He has no concept of good or evil.
1061
01:09:37,920 --> 01:09:40,161
Well, the dogs seem all right.
1062
01:09:40,680 --> 01:09:44,969
Yes, yes, the dogs are all right.
It's the people I can't stand.
1063
01:10:08,000 --> 01:10:10,367
Oh, hey. Catherine, hi.
1064
01:10:10,367 --> 01:10:13,489
Hey, sorry about the other night.
It was... Can I cook you supper?
1065
01:10:13,489 --> 01:10:16,001
- Uh, no, thanks, Neil.
- I'm doing a whole suckling pig.
1066
01:10:16,001 --> 01:10:18,048
- No.
- Hey, what's the matter?
1067
01:10:18,520 --> 01:10:20,443
Is it because I made you
throw yourself at Grant?
1068
01:10:20,443 --> 01:10:24,764
No. Look, you did what you had to do.
It worked. Forgotten.
1069
01:10:25,080 --> 01:10:26,923
Well, what is it, then?
1070
01:10:27,520 --> 01:10:29,761
Do you know what it feels like
to be in someone else's power?
1071
01:10:29,761 --> 01:10:31,370
To have no will of your own?
1072
01:10:31,760 --> 01:10:35,526
Look, I thought that I made you love me.
1073
01:10:36,000 --> 01:10:38,446
- What?
- You know, with my powers.
1074
01:10:40,200 --> 01:10:41,725
Oh, my God.
1075
01:10:43,160 --> 01:10:46,480
Did I really come home early tonight
because I wanted to or did you make me?
1076
01:10:46,800 --> 01:10:49,600
Have I always lived opposite you
or have you somehow rearranged things?
1077
01:10:51,200 --> 01:10:53,168
- I'm never going to know.
- Look, I love you.
1078
01:10:53,168 --> 01:10:56,323
How could any woman love a man
who could make her do whatever he wants,
1079
01:10:56,323 --> 01:10:58,846
any second, every day, forever?
1080
01:10:59,960 --> 01:11:03,407
Look, I'm sorry, Neil, I could never love you,
not in a million years.
1081
01:11:03,407 --> 01:11:05,130
Oh! Catherine...
1082
01:11:11,800 --> 01:11:14,485
Sharon, Sharon, terrible news!
1083
01:11:14,880 --> 01:11:16,564
This is indeed grave news.
1084
01:11:16,564 --> 01:11:19,291
It appears that the Salubrious Gat has been
1085
01:11:19,291 --> 01:11:21,966
interfering with our translation devices.
1086
01:11:21,966 --> 01:11:23,571
What's he done, Sharon?
1087
01:11:23,840 --> 01:11:26,411
I'm afraid, Janet, that we have been
calling ourselves
1088
01:11:26,411 --> 01:11:30,007
by foolish-sounding earthling names.
1089
01:11:31,080 --> 01:11:33,000
Female ones, at that.
1090
01:11:33,000 --> 01:11:39,810
It seems that Sharon is particularly favoured
among female earthlings from Australia.
1091
01:11:39,810 --> 01:11:41,166
The shame of it.
1092
01:11:41,166 --> 01:11:45,160
Sharon... I mean,
what should we be calling you?
1093
01:11:45,600 --> 01:11:49,571
Call me the Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.
1094
01:11:49,571 --> 01:11:51,927
Yes, oh, Death-Dealer.
1095
01:11:52,160 --> 01:11:55,767
Great waffles, master.
1096
01:11:56,280 --> 01:11:57,770
Who cares about waffles?
1097
01:11:57,770 --> 01:12:02,562
Catherine hates me. Ray hates me.
Everybody hates me.
1098
01:12:02,960 --> 01:12:05,167
I don't hate you and I care about waffles.
1099
01:12:05,480 --> 01:12:07,960
I think I like them even more than biscuits,
even red biscuits.
1100
01:12:07,960 --> 01:12:10,646
You know what the worse thing is, Dennis?
This is all my fault.
1101
01:12:10,646 --> 01:12:11,886
Mmm-hmm?
1102
01:12:11,886 --> 01:12:14,691
You know, I was just thinking about myself,
what I could get.
1103
01:12:14,691 --> 01:12:17,923
- Hmm.
- And yet with these powers, you know,
1104
01:12:17,923 --> 01:12:20,367
I could have solved every
problem in the world.
1105
01:12:20,367 --> 01:12:23,927
- I could have made people happy.
- You couldn't make Catherine happy.
1106
01:12:23,927 --> 01:12:28,050
Yeah, because I wanted her to love me.
You know, I was being selfish.
1107
01:12:28,050 --> 01:12:31,169
I mean, take world hunger, you know? Uh...
1108
01:12:31,400 --> 01:12:33,880
Let everybody in the world have as much
food as they want.
1109
01:12:37,360 --> 01:12:40,887
I mean, take homelessness. Let everybody
in the world have somewhere to live.
1110
01:12:40,887 --> 01:12:43,242
No, no, no, live in their dream house.
1111
01:12:43,520 --> 01:12:47,570
And war, senseless war, over forever.
1112
01:12:47,570 --> 01:12:50,928
Let there be no reason for anyone
to make war on anyone any more.
1113
01:12:50,928 --> 01:12:51,928
Yay!
1114
01:12:53,160 --> 01:12:55,162
Oh, and reverse global warming.
1115
01:12:56,000 --> 01:12:57,411
Has it happened?
1116
01:13:02,480 --> 01:13:05,609
The latest nation to
succumb to the sudden mysterious
1117
01:13:05,609 --> 01:13:08,809
exponential growth in world food
supplies is China,
1118
01:13:08,809 --> 01:13:12,043
where the average weight
is now 300 pounds and rising.
1119
01:13:12,043 --> 01:13:15,522
Well, today a party of picnicking
schoolchildren brought down
1120
01:13:15,522 --> 01:13:18,888
a mile-long section of
the Great Wall of China.
1121
01:13:18,888 --> 01:13:21,406
As homelessness
becomes a thing of the past,
1122
01:13:21,406 --> 01:13:24,245
the last undeveloped area
of the Sahara Desert
1123
01:13:24,245 --> 01:13:27,688
has become a gated community
known as Beau Geste Towers.
1124
01:13:27,688 --> 01:13:30,366
Property developers are now
converging on Antarctica.
1125
01:13:30,366 --> 01:13:33,649
- Well, I mean, at least I got rid of war.
- Whoa, that was a good one.
1126
01:13:34,360 --> 01:13:35,805
"Let there be no reason to make war..."
1127
01:13:35,805 --> 01:13:37,689
- "To make war on anyone any more."
- "...on anyone any more."
1128
01:13:37,689 --> 01:13:39,649
How could that go wrong?
1129
01:13:39,649 --> 01:13:43,167
For no reason at all,
New Zealand has declared war on Iceland.
1130
01:13:43,167 --> 01:13:44,480
Oh, wow. Oh, dear.
1131
01:13:44,480 --> 01:13:48,565
Barbados has declared war on Somalia.
And in a surprise move,
1132
01:13:48,565 --> 01:13:53,521
the tiny island of St Kitts and Nevis has
declared war on the entire rest of the world.
1133
01:13:53,521 --> 01:13:56,126
Our war correspondent says
he is unavailable for comment
1134
01:13:56,126 --> 01:14:00,245
because he's too busy covering all the
other wars which have just broken out
1135
01:14:00,245 --> 01:14:02,687
for no reason at all.
1136
01:14:02,687 --> 01:14:07,607
A short time ago, scientists were afraid
of constantly rising global temperatures.
1137
01:14:07,607 --> 01:14:10,001
- But none of them have any explanation...
- Oh, my God.
1138
01:14:10,001 --> 01:14:12,048
- ...for this sudden return...
- Global warming.
1139
01:14:12,048 --> 01:14:18,685
...not only to the last ice age but to a
snowball Earth of half a billion years ago.
1140
01:14:19,360 --> 01:14:24,605
On the other hand, plans to turn the Antarctic
into the Captain Scott gated community
1141
01:14:25,120 --> 01:14:26,610
- have been put on hold...
- Shit!
1142
01:14:26,610 --> 01:14:30,446
- Shit, shit, shit!
- Oh, it's not so easy trying to do good, is it?
1143
01:14:30,446 --> 01:14:32,562
Yeah, but this is just unfair.
1144
01:14:33,480 --> 01:14:35,881
Let everything go back to how it was
before I started trying to make
1145
01:14:35,881 --> 01:14:37,564
everything better for everybody.
1146
01:14:38,480 --> 01:14:41,165
Beautiful though
the Earth looks from space,
1147
01:14:41,165 --> 01:14:46,007
we all know how fragile it is, how much
damage human beings have done to it
1148
01:14:46,007 --> 01:14:49,641
and will, it seems, continue to do to it.
1149
01:14:51,600 --> 01:14:55,082
Absolute power doesn't corrupt.
It just drives you bloody mad.
1150
01:15:06,160 --> 01:15:09,323
- Tell Catherine I love her.
- Don't do it, master. I love you!
1151
01:15:10,680 --> 01:15:12,682
I've made arrangements for your biscuits.
1152
01:15:13,160 --> 01:15:14,764
You'll never have to
worry about them again.
1153
01:15:14,764 --> 01:15:16,524
You're the kindest master.
1154
01:15:16,524 --> 01:15:18,728
Just shush, OK? I can't concentrate.
1155
01:15:19,920 --> 01:15:23,925
- Master, don't you love me?
- I can't stand it, Dennis.
1156
01:15:24,640 --> 01:15:26,688
I just... I can't stand the responsibility.
1157
01:15:26,688 --> 01:15:29,570
You need to get that into
your stupid dog brain.
1158
01:15:29,570 --> 01:15:30,820
Neil!
1159
01:15:35,440 --> 01:15:37,329
I'll save you, master. Here I come!
1160
01:15:41,200 --> 01:15:45,330
Oh, wait a second. I can't swim.
Master, help! Woof!
1161
01:15:45,330 --> 01:15:49,883
Help! Help! Oh, dear. Woof! Woof!
1162
01:15:52,240 --> 01:15:54,891
Oh, there you are. Thank you, master.
1163
01:15:55,200 --> 01:15:57,009
Bless you!
1164
01:15:57,760 --> 01:15:59,922
You do love me, master.
1165
01:15:59,922 --> 01:16:03,607
Of course I love you, Dennis.
I just don't love myself.
1166
01:16:07,760 --> 01:16:11,162
Time's up! Prime the Destruction Generator.
1167
01:16:11,162 --> 01:16:12,486
- Hang on.
- What?
1168
01:16:12,486 --> 01:16:14,688
We need to check if he's passed the test.
1169
01:16:14,688 --> 01:16:18,924
- Well, he did start all those wars.
- That was good.
1170
01:16:18,924 --> 01:16:22,561
- But then he stopped them all.
- But why?
1171
01:16:22,800 --> 01:16:26,930
He said he was trying to make things
better for people.
1172
01:16:28,120 --> 01:16:30,726
That's very appalling.
1173
01:16:31,040 --> 01:16:35,443
The only good is to destroy.
The only evil is weakness.
1174
01:16:35,443 --> 01:16:38,490
Weakness must be annihilated!
1175
01:16:39,200 --> 01:16:43,285
Agreed. Vaporise the earthling
and his wretched planet.
1176
01:16:44,320 --> 01:16:45,731
I told you so.
1177
01:16:45,731 --> 01:16:48,770
Reprime the Destruction Generator.
1178
01:17:19,000 --> 01:17:20,968
Try her again, Neil. Go on.
1179
01:17:20,968 --> 01:17:25,523
- She... She won't have me.
- Then, give up the powers.
1180
01:17:25,523 --> 01:17:28,410
- I can't.
- Then, give them to me.
1181
01:17:28,410 --> 01:17:31,768
You wouldn't have the powers
but you'd know where they were.
1182
01:17:32,320 --> 01:17:34,846
And being a dog,
all I want to do is follow orders.
1183
01:17:34,846 --> 01:17:36,724
I'll do what you tell me to.
1184
01:17:37,760 --> 01:17:40,525
- Dennis, you're a genius.
- Not bad, huh?
1185
01:17:43,200 --> 01:17:48,047
Destruction Generator already charged,
Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer.
1186
01:17:50,960 --> 01:17:52,689
Commencing destruction.
1187
01:17:58,200 --> 01:18:01,409
It is a curse that our numerals
take so long to pronounce.
1188
01:18:02,040 --> 01:18:04,850
Uh, yeah, it's like, uh,
you just wave your hand, like that.
1189
01:18:04,850 --> 01:18:07,400
I feel it. Wow!
1190
01:18:07,400 --> 01:18:11,360
Yeah. There you go.
So what's it going to be? Biscuits?
1191
01:18:12,320 --> 01:18:13,810
But the power made you miserable.
1192
01:18:13,810 --> 01:18:17,441
Yeah, but I don't have them any more, do I?
Look, tree become Eiffel Tower.
1193
01:18:19,000 --> 01:18:20,206
See?
1194
01:18:22,840 --> 01:18:25,127
What are you thinking, Dennis?
1195
01:18:34,360 --> 01:18:35,566
Forgive me, master.
1196
01:18:35,566 --> 01:18:37,320
What? Wait, wait.
What are you going to do?
1197
01:18:38,840 --> 01:18:41,446
That's the only short one.
1198
01:18:43,400 --> 01:18:48,645
If I have any power, let the source
of that power be destroyed, forever!
1199
01:19:49,280 --> 01:19:52,090
All this marking be suddenly finished
and neatly stacked up.
1200
01:19:55,120 --> 01:19:57,043
Fiona Blackwell, go away.
1201
01:20:03,480 --> 01:20:05,642
Oh, shh, shh. Shush, shush, shush.
1202
01:20:06,840 --> 01:20:09,002
Fiona! How lovely to see you.
1203
01:20:10,920 --> 01:20:13,605
Hey, great news. I got my sight back.
1204
01:20:15,160 --> 01:20:17,481
Hey, I think I hear Catherine.
1205
01:20:22,480 --> 01:20:23,720
- Catherine.
- Hi.
1206
01:20:23,720 --> 01:20:27,805
Hey. Um, look. Letters become cucumbers.
1207
01:20:28,920 --> 01:20:30,968
Us be on the prow of the Titanic.
1208
01:20:31,840 --> 01:20:33,126
I got rid of the powers.
1209
01:20:34,560 --> 01:20:36,244
I'm impressed.
1210
01:20:37,560 --> 01:20:41,565
Yeah. So I thought maybe
we could have some dinner sometime?
1211
01:20:43,440 --> 01:20:46,808
- Yeah, maybe, yeah.
- OK.
1212
01:21:00,080 --> 01:21:03,527
- How about tonight?
- I'll be down in half an hour.
1213
01:21:10,840 --> 01:21:13,764
We're going out to dinner.
I'll bring you both back a doggy bag.
1214
01:21:14,200 --> 01:21:17,443
- I suppose I'd better keep my mouth shut.
- Turn me back, Den.
1215
01:21:17,443 --> 01:21:20,649
I can't. I like you as you are.
Those stubby legs. Look at you.
1216
01:21:20,649 --> 01:21:24,566
- I'm not a dog, I'm a man.
- Hey, nobody's perfect.
1217
01:22:16,960 --> 01:22:19,281
This is chewing a biscuit, boss.
I'll try and give you that right now,
1218
01:22:19,281 --> 01:22:20,566
hold one second.
1219
01:22:22,400 --> 01:22:24,368
Oh, red biscuit. Great.
1220
01:22:24,368 --> 01:22:25,208
No! No!
1221
01:22:30,440 --> 01:22:31,680
Oh, got it.
1222
01:22:31,680 --> 01:22:33,649
Licking. Licking somebody.
1223
01:22:35,320 --> 01:22:37,129
This is like porn. Now a shagging noise.
1224
01:22:40,720 --> 01:22:42,449
Oh, look. There's the red bit.
1225
01:22:44,160 --> 01:22:46,049
Oh, there, oh, right, oh...
1226
01:22:47,480 --> 01:22:48,527
I'm done.
1227
01:22:48,800 --> 01:22:50,643
OK, great.
1228
01:22:50,643 --> 01:22:53,001
That's enough chewing biscuits
for fucking half an hour.
95591
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