Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

[Mister Ed humming]

You know, I think the Park Improvement Committee

will like that sketch.

Well, having your wife on the committee doesn't hurt.

It would help if I knew

what kind of statue they're going to put outside the pavilion.

They ought to let the birds vote on that.

[laughs] Not a bad idea.

Uh, by the way, Wilbur--

[chuckles] ...when we go riding this Sunday,

do you think we'll run into that pretty little chestnut filly again?

I'm sure. We see her every Sunday.

Ooh, would you mind running that razor over my face?

What?

Just the right side.

She kind of likes a smooth cheek to nuzzle against.

Right here, huh?

Up a little higher.

Uh...giving Ed a shave.

Giving your horse a shave?

I'd let him shave himself,

but he always forgets to clean the razor.

I don't know what's the matter with me.

I keep thinking you're normal.

[grunts] I wish our wandering wives would get back.

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

[snorts]

Well, I don't think they're ever going to get back, Rog.

Come on in the house, and I'll fix you some lunch.

My wife is a compulsive clubber.

She'd join the Foreign Legion if it had weekly meetings.

And how about that awful dress that Cynthia Evans had on.

It was just ridiculous.

- [Carol] Wilbur. - Yes, dear?

I've got some good news.

What news?

Wilbur, our committee finally decided

what kind of statue we're going to put in the pavilion.

It's going to be a palomino horse

to represent the spirit of the West, and guess what.

They're going to use Mister Ed as the model.

Mister Ed.

Are they going to do him in marble, or just stuff him?

That's what I like about you, doll.

You always say the wrong thing at the right time.

That same thought struck me the moment I proposed to you.

Honey, give me all the details.

How did they happen to pick Ed?

It was completely impartial.

Pictures of 50 different horses were submitted,

and Mister Ed was the unanimous choice.

Ooh. I couldn't be prouder of Ed

if he'd graduated from high school.

Honey, the sculptor is coming by next Friday to make some sketches,

so let's have Mister Ed looking his prettiest.

Oh, don't worry about a thing, honey.

I'll curry him down. I'll polish his horseshoes.

I'll curl his mane, braid his tail.

Why don't you just walk him through a car wash?

Oh, I'm terribly excited about this,

and I put your name down

for a $50 contribution towards the statue.

Why is it, in a country of free speech,

Every time you open your mouth it costs me money.

Come on, Kay.

Let's see if the boys left us anything in the refrigerator.

- [Kay] All right. - [both chattering]

Oh, come on, cheer up, Rog.

Look at it this way. Your money is helping to build a statue of my horse.

Boy, am I sick and tired

of hearing you talk about that spindly animal of yours.

Well, if you're going to talk like that,

I may never cook for your again.

Let's see, let's see.

[mumbles]

Hey, Ed, what you doing?

Playing Solitaire.

The red queen does not go on the red king.

Oh, is that a red queen?

You know, there's a little color blindness in my family.

A little cheating in your family, too.

Ed, I've got some great news for you.

You got me a date with that little chestnut filly?

Better than that.

You are going to have an opportunity

to work on this park project.

You see, they're going to erect a statue.

- You'll have to work about two or three-- - Whoa, boy.

Rein up there. Did you say work?

It'll be easy, Ed.

You see, this statue is a palomino

to typify the spirit of the American West,

and they've chosen you as the model.

Well, you'll have to stand there in the nice cool grass.

With the nice hot sun beating down on my back.

Let them find another patsy.

You can't let Carol down.

I mean this is a tremendous honor for you.

I'm not going to stand around all day

posing on my flat feet.

Flat feet?

What do you think kept me out of the army?

Ed, you don't understand what this means.

They have chosen you out of 50 horses.

- 50? - 50.

Your statue will be standing in that park forever.

- Ooh. - Mister Ed, typifying the spirit of the American West.

- Picked me from 50 horses. - That's right.

- Oh, well, class will tell. - Sure.

I wouldn't be surprised if I came from royalty.

Sure. Who knows?

I mean, some of your ancestors

may have been owned by earls and dukes.

Princes, kings.

[laughs] Wilbur, let's find out about my ancestors.

Maybe I have a family coat-of-arms.

Sure, sure. I'll write to the Breeders' Association

the first chance I get.

Do it now, and that's an order, peasant.

Yes, Your Majesty.

It sure is nice to have a stenographer.

Lick. It's your letter.

[groans] Lemon.

Hey, Wilbur, how about some golf?

No, I can't. I've got to mail this letter.

It's to the American Breeders' Association .

American Breeders' Association?

Yeah, now that they're making this statue,

I figure so many people will be asking about Ed's family background,

that I thought I'd send away for his papers.

The answer will come back in one word. Plug.

- [snorts] - Yeah?

Well, I'm positive Ed came from a long line of thoroughbreds.

You know, I'm getting a little fed up,

the way you keep boasting about this broken down horse.

I ought to teach you a lesson. How about a little bet?

All right. What about a sociable $5?

Let's make it an unsociable 50,

the exact amount my dear foolish wife put me in the hole for.

Fine. We'll make it $50.

Oh, boy, you're better than social security.

Just don't spend the money yet, Roger.

Ed has a lot of class.

They'll probably find nothing but polo ponies in his family.

I've got to mail my letter.

No, no, give it to me.

I'll mail it on my way to the club.

Oh, thanks. I can get my work done.

Honey, that call was from the Park Commission, and guess what.

They want me to unveil Mister Ed's statue when it's finished.

Why, that's wonderful.

Let's see. I'll need a whole new wardrobe--

- a dress, shoes, purse-- - Wait, wait, wait, honey.

They're going to unveil Ed, not you.

- Oh, Wilbur. - Ha, I'm only teasing.

You buy whatever you want.

Oh, thank you, darling.

- I better go tell Kay. - [Roger] Oh, Wilbur.

Oh, Roger, is Kay home?

Yeah, she's in the kitchen, of all places.

Insists on cooking dinner tonight.

Then maybe I shouldn't ask her to go shopping with me.

Oh, please do. In her hands, a gas range is a deadly weapon.

I won't be long, honey, and thanks.

[Wilbur] Spend all the money you want.

Oh, Wilbur, I met the postman on the way in,

and this letter came for you.

It's from the American Breeders' Association.

That is Ed's papers.

Well, I wonder what they say.

Just have the $50 ready, please, huh?

Ed's not a thoroughbred.

Why, his ancestry is probably better than yours.

- Will you take a check? - Straight to the bank.

I'll bring it over later.

Oh, Wilbur, I'm just trying to prove a point.

- Forget about the money. - No. When I lose, I pay.

You won fair and square.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,

who's the noblest horse of all?

You, you handsome devil, you.

- Hi, Ed. - Hello, Wilbur.

You should knock before entering the royal bedchamber.

I got the letter from the American Breeders' Association.

About time.

How many kings and queens rode on my ancestors?

None.

Princes?

- Dukes? - No.

Police wagons, huh?

Forget about the letter, Ed.

I still think you are a great horse.

Read me the letter, Wilbur.

Okay.

[clears throat]

Uh, the first ancestor they could trace

was your great-great grandfather Dirty Ed.

- Dirty Ed? - Owned by Billy The Kid.

Billy The Kid?

You don't want to hear any more of the letter, huh?

Keep going.

You had two great-uncles--

Eddy the Rat and Evil-eyed Ed.

- [Ed groans] - They rode with the Dalton brothers.

[groans]

Belle Starr owned your great-grandmother.

Then there was your uncle, Mad Dog Eddy.

Mad Dog Eddy?

The first horse ever hung in Arizona.

- Then there was-- - Don't go any further.

I've got bad blood.

I come from a family of crooks.

Ed, it's nothing.

When I was playing solitaire,

I knew I put that red queen on that red king.

Cheating is in my blood.

Ed, forget it. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

I'm not worthy of posing for that statue.

Ed, that's ridiculous.

The kids of America deserve better than a rogue horse.

- Ed, listen-- - Stay away from me, Wilbur.

I might be a killer.

"The classic concept of the criminal type

is the close-set shifty eyes."

Yeah, that's me.

"Pointed ears."

Check.

"And thin, cruel lips with an animal expression."

Don't even have to look in the mirror for that one.

I did see a beautiful dress at Philippe's,

but the price was absolutely ridiculous.

I told Kay that they're nothing but a bunch of bandits.

Well, that doesn't make him a bad horse.

What? Who?

Hmm? Oh, I was talking about the statue.

I mean, the whole idea of a horse,

well, that's ridiculous.

Wouldn't a dog be a better subject?

For the American Palomino?

Palomino. Make it an American German Shepherd

or American French Poodle or any of those American dogs.

Wilbur, what are you talking about?

It's already settled.

Mister Ed is going to pose for the statue.

The sculptor is coming by tomorrow to make some sketches.

Honey, I'm afraid Mister Ed doesn't feel up to it.

How do you know how a horse feels?

Well, you can tell by looking at him.

All he does lately is just lie around the stall.

That's all he ever does.

There's a reason for that.

Ed is not supposed to be on his feet too long.

- He's-- he's go flat feet. - Flat feet?

I didn't' want to worry you about it, dear,

but when Ed had his last checkup,

the vet said he really should be wearing corrective horseshoes.

Wilbur, where do you get these ideas?

It's not going to hurt a horse to pose a few hours a day.

Standing still is the best thing Mister Ed does anyway.

[shatters]

Oh, Wilbur, let me finish what's left of the dishes by myself.

All right, but if Mister Ed gets fallen arches,

it'll be on your conscience.

Well, Ed, I tried to get you out of posing for this statue,

but Carol wouldn't hear of it.

Did you tell her why I won't?

How can I? She wouldn't' believe me.

Tell her yourself.

You know I won't talk to anyone but you.

That's what makes my life so difficult.

Look, Ed. this sculptor will be coming by in the morning.

Maybe you'll feel differently then, huh?

No, Wilbur.

I'm not worthy of the honor. I'm a bad seed.

The last of the outlaws.

You're no such thing.

- I am, too. - Take it easy.

You've had a hard day. Why don't you try to get some sleep?

Well, okay.

Maybe I will hit the hay.

That-a boy.

Sleep well, Ed. Good night.

- And, Ed. - Yeah?

No matter what happens, you're my horse.

[Ed whimpers] Good night, Wilbur.

Heredity and the Criminal Mind. Poor Ed.

[snoring]

Attention all cars,

be on the lookout for Mister Ed,

alias Shifty Ed, alias Eddy the Dip.

Height-- 15 hands, 2 fingers. Weight-- 900 pounds.

Warning, this horse is dangerous and may be armed.

[Man] That's him, the one in the middle.

He robbed the bank. He did it.

That's the one. That's the one.

No, no. I didn't do it. I didn't.

Oh, what's the use. I can't pose for that statue.

I'm a bad horse.

Well, I see Light-fingered Lily is back in town.

I'm, uh, just getting your clothes ready for the cleaners.

Doing a pretty good job at cleaning them yourself.

Oh, really, Addison. I've just never known a man who--

- What's this? - Here, give me that--

"American Breeders' Association."

Kay, you have no right to read my mail.

The return address says Wilbur Post.

You have no right to read his mail, either.

Now, if you're through censoring the mail.

Addison, whenever your mustache begins twitching,

I know you're up to something.

- I am not up to anything. - What's all this about?

It's is nothing. It's a joke on Wilbur,

and when he brings a check over, I won't even accept it.

Check? Joke? I don't know what you're talking about.

Kay, I haven't time to explain to you now.

I'm busy. I've got a very important engagement downtown.

I'm late for it already.

Addison, what are you doing with Wilbur's letter?

[water running]

Tampering with the U.S. mail is a federal offense.

You better give this letter back to Wilbur immediately.

Addison, do you hear me?

You've got me so upset, I don't know what I'm doing.

Good morning, Ed. Time to get up.

Rise and sh--

Ed?

Ed--

[reading]

Carol, he's gone.

- Who's gone? - Ed. He's run away.

I've got to call the missing persons bureau.

- Wilbur. - The missing horses bureau?

You're not going anywhere until I find out what's going on.

Ed has run away.

Wilbur, are you hiding that precious horse of yours

so that he won't have to do something worthwhile for a change?

No, I am not hiding him.

[Kay and Addison arguing]

- Come along, Addison. - This is not necessary.

My dear husband has something to tell you, Wilbur.

Speak, boy.

Well, wait, wait, now, this is just a joke.

Just a little joke, that's all.

I-- I--

wrote that letter you got from the American Breeders' Association.

- You did? - I never mailed yours.

Believe me, I had no intention of taking your $50.

I just did it to stop you from bragging about Mister Ed.

Oh, fine joke.

Somewhere out there is a broken-hearted horse,

making up for the crimes his family never committed.

What did he say?

You thought I acted strange

because I took a shower with my pajamas on.

What did he say?

[groans] This darn buckle's busted again.

Well, here goes a life of hard labor.

Congratulations, madam.

You've just won a two-week's trip to Honolulu.

Go on, honey. Beat it.

Scram. Aloha.

Sure is going to be a scorcher today, Sally.

What is this?

You forgot your lunch, Tom.

Martha, somebody switched horses on us.

Why would anybody do that?

Well, it beats me, but we sure got the best of the bargain.

This fella's got another 10 or 15 years of good work in him.

[groans]

As long as you've got a nice, young, strong horse,

why don't you fill up the wagon?

Yeah, I should do that. I was going to take two trips,

but this young fella will do it in one.

Pick up that stuff in the south pasture, too.

I'll do that. I'll hitch him up right away.

10, 15 years, whoa.

Wonder if I'll get time off for good behavior.

[man spurring]

Pull. Come on, pull.

Just a little more. Pull. Pull.

Gee, my aching back.

I'll be right back.

Working is for horses, not me.

What's wrong with bad ancestors?

I've got to get out of here before they kill me.

[Woman] Operator.

Hello, honey.

Would you get me State 11781?

You can dial that number, sir.

Uh, I can't see. Just broke my glasses.

Very well, sir. I'll get it for you.

[phone rings]

Hello.

[fake Japanese accent] Hello, this is Japanese farmer.

You miss a horse, please?

Yes, but not-- Have you seen him?

So, you find a horse 1103 Moorpark Road.

No. No, do not want reward.

Just come-a get horse,

and-- [sniff]-- bring lots of liniment.

Oh, thank you very much.

Honey, I drove all over the Valley.

There's no sign.

Wilbur, a Japanese gentleman just called

and said we could find Mister Ed

at 1103 Moorpark Road.

A Japanese gentleman?

Come on, honey, let's go.

Honey, how did that man know that we lost Mister Ed?

Well, I--

I guess he got it straight from the horse's mouth.

[Mister Ed moaning]

Oh, a little more on the shoulders, please.

[sighs]

- Feel better, Ed? - Yeah, that's it.

It was awful, Wilbur.

He worked me like a horse, and I'm a playboy.

Take it easy, Ed.

You'll feel better when I sponge your down

with some nice hot water.

It was a dirty trick Addison pulled on me.

Yes, it was.

I'd love to take him for a ride some day.

Only one of us would come back.

Just settle down, Ed. Relax.

Wilbur, do you think there's a chance I do come from royalty?

Well, we can still write to the American Breeders' Association.

No, no, we both know I came from a horse,

and that's good enough for me.

That-a boy.

[groans] Hey, you're getting that in my eye.

Oh, sorry.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.