Original subtitles

So when the woman says they come long and thin, fat...

...with veins on them, like this and like that...

...the guy can't handle it. He gets up and says, "If I found one like that... "

- "... I'd, you know... " - He's something else!

They used to call them 'zibiks'. They were like coffee mills. This big.

And made of wood, right? Or so I hear, I never saw one.

I haven't laughed so much in ages. Let's drink, Vedat.

- Cheers! - Welcome, old man.

- Welcome. - To your health.

Zeki, why don't we, you know?

Right. Enough laughs. Let's not keep Vedat hanging on any longer.

Oh man! You had to put them in a plastic bag?

Hey, the wrapping has to be crap or they'd attract attention. Right?

Sure.

Here, these are the goods.

Just look at that stitching. It speaks for itself.

- So can I touch them? - Sure... Here you go.

They call these long Wellingtons. They're around 130-140 years old.

I can't give an exact figure, but around that.

- So how did they land up with you? - Now that's an interesting story.

Go on, tell him. Vedat's one of us. There's no one around. It's just us.

- OK, US president Garfield... - What, the cat?

- What fucking cat? - Garfield's a cat, right?

Google it, man! See for yourself. The then US president was Garfield.

OK, I enter 'Garfield'. 'Did you mean Garfield? ' The cat again.

Where's the president? Away. On vacation.

- Carry on, chum. - Alpay...

Just carry on.

Vedat, the US president sends our sultan a gift.

And the sultan thinks, "I'll send a gift back. "

My great-grandfather, Aziz Vefa, a member of the secret services...

...and another public servant, Lemi Galip, from the treasury.

He gives them a mission. What does he say?

He says, "Take this gift to the president. "

- So they go to the palace. - The palace?

What do you think? They'd meet the sultan down at the waterside?

- So they go to the palace. - OK. Get on with it, will you?

I am, but learn to listen first.

Telling a story is just as much about being listened to.

Oh, right.

They come before the sultan. And they kiss the sultan's hands.

- Does the sultan kiss theirs? - Come on, man! Stop butting in.

They're presented the gift right away. What is it? Adiamond necklace.

And the sultan says, "It's in your hands now. "

"And here's 1000 bucks for the road. Confederation dollars. "

Well, you can't say, "Sorry, padishah. America's miles away. No can do. "

You have to go come hell or high water.

Now they've got the mission their route's a given.

First, the Orient Express to Paris.

Then a boat to London.

And then another boat across the Atlantic to America.

THE MILD WEST

S'il vous pla�t, madame.

Our honourable jerk didn't get the joke, Aziz.

Ask if Mr and Mrs Brown are back from the picnic.

Give me a break! The humour's way too subtle.

English peasant!

I'm saying we prize our village people.

They always say that. It's the only thing they know.

She says she can keep secrets.

Keep those secrets when we stop for a break.

Suppose we stop and pass a little water?

What the hell are you doing?

- What's the problem? - You can't share it round like candy!

- Well, you did it with that photo. - Put the damn thing back!

OK. Don't get so steamed up! I'm responsible for it.

Bandits! Keep calm.

Don't point that at me!

Listen. We'll follow the normal routine. Calm down.

Listen. We'll draw straws. The diamond or the money? Quick!

- We're in deep water, Aziz Efendi! - Draw a straw!

The diamond.

- There's armies of them, Aziz Efendi! - Stay calm. Calm down. Stay calm.

- I am calm! - Stay calm.

In the name of Allah, most gracious, most merciful...

Dear God, don't desert us!

We're not giving up the diamond even if it means death!

- Let's go, main man! - With the will of Allah...

I said stop the carriage, you son of a bitch!

Hey, Zeki. I got kind of lost from the mail carriage onwards.

Wait. Let's try this then.

Didn't I say stop the carriage, you fuckers?

Get out! Out, out, out!

Get out of there! Out!

- Come on, move it! - Oh God, Jack! No!

- Stop! Get off her! - Don't shout. Stand in line.

Ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Lesh here. My crew and I are here...

...to relieve you of certain items for the comfort of your journey.

You're free to shout. Any heroics and you're dead.

The gun's antique. I put in for a new one and does anyone give a fuck?

Come here, asshole! Move! Get over there!

Lesh! Check out this chick!

A watch!

Don't take us for wasters, sir. We've come all the way from Istanbul.

Oh yeah? It shows.

I never saw kit like that even in Buffalo Bill's show.

What the hell is this?

Afez. I have a flute as well if you want.

Knock it off!

Don't!

- Lesh! - What the hell have you done?

- Lesh! - What the hell have you done?

This is unreal!

But we're in with Firecracker Ahmet of Highwayman Creek. Be warned!

Come on, let's go! I smell Indians.

See you!

- He said "Sioux". The Sioux... - No, he said "see you" as in goodbye.

Who the hell is Firecracker Ahmet?

Any time I mention the guy's name it always gets me in trouble anyhow.

Don't make me crazy, mon cher! The instructions are explicit.

In case of danger, hide the goods up your nether region. It's that clear!

But is that fair? Adiamond that big?

Hey, you think it's a turn-on stuffing 1000 dollars up my ass?

- I wouldn't know. - What?

Sir thinks his ass is too precious and I'm about to get massacred here!

Come here!

Open up that handkerchief.

Here.

Terrific!

There should be a saucer for this.

Here, that's all.

Are you OK?

At least we held on to the grand.

It's not the time for jokes, but the old boy's stuffed us.

Carry on and you're dead! We face the arrows of misfortune here.

Indians!

- Oogh! - What's "oogh"?

I think they use animal names. Mole-cricket...

I'm Richard Thomas. I'm at Oxford. I just spend summers with my tribe.

Look, we come from Istanbul. They say Indians are Turks, right?

- Kenan, is that true? - No way. Get their kit off.

I'll take it off myself.

What if I say we bear greetings from Apache Selim of Kas�mpa�a?

I can do it.

Here you go... Lemi Bey!

Hopefully they won't fuck us.

- Here you are, Kenan Bey. - Oh my God!

- Aziz, suppose we notify the consulate? - We can do that.

Does that thing round your neck have any particular meaning?

My mum gave it to me. She said it would keep all danger at bay.

Hello! It's an emergency, my friend. Get this wired to Istanbul right away.

- Is this an 'A'? - Can't you read or write either?

- Give it here. - You do it.

If Lucky Luke showed up now, you'd be kissing his goddamn ass.

Lucky Luke? Who gives a toss about him?

- Any telegrams for me? - Hey, my friend! Welcome.

Have a seat over there. Geoffrey, grab us a couple of teas!

After a while, a reply comes through from the palace.

What does it say?

No need to come back. Mail us the head of the officer responsible.

OK then.

Cut off my head and mail it. You shouldn't get grief for this.

I'm responsible.

How am I supposed to do it?

I don't know.

Strangle me with rope first.

Pass on my greetings to my mum.

Hey, America! What happened to that dream?

Hey, that needs a splash of water.

Shut up! We're in this shit together and we'll pay for it together.

Aziz, you'll be exiled to Timbuktu.

Just look around. We're fucking in Timbuktu! Who needs to be exiled?

We're not dying before we find that diamond. OK?

For a week or so they roam around totally broke.

They think about getting guns and going after the diamond thieves.

But then guns don't come for a kiss. And they don't have a dime.

Fuck off, dicko!

Then they dream up a venture or two that will feed them at least.

I say venture, but of course not the kind that needs capital.

Horse washing! In and out!

Good health to your horse!

Horse washing!

Having got their hands dirty in a couple of shitty ventures...

...Aziz Efendi gets an idea. "Why don't we do what we're good at?"

Now for the best-loved characters with their best-loved quirks!

- Karag�z dear, have a good Ramadan! - Clear off, nincompoop!

Don't be like that, Karag�z. It's the holy month of Ramadan!

Don't worry, gasbag Hac�! My whole family's behind you.

This was the hottest show in Sultanahmet last year.

Let's have a few laughs!

Sorry, it's not funny.

Try being open to new things. This is shadow theatre!

- We'd laugh if it was funny, right? - I agree.

OK... I'll do you Moliere next year. Moliere's 'The Miser'.

I did Blustering Drunkard Bekir, I did the Dwarf.

They didn't laugh at one of them!

- But they laughed at your lady, huh? - So? And up until then?

They have no sense of humour. American humour! Fuck that!

The jokes get lost in translation of course.

Give me a break!

Eggs... Save those. What's in that over there?

Sugar.

Lemons... Sugar... Lemons and sugar.

Candy! Roll up, roll up! Candy!

Here you go. Enjoy!

- Candy! - Do me one.

- Your wish is my command! - Wind it round this, not that!

- It's Ottoman candy. It might be heavy. - Shut the fuck up!

There's nothing they don't do to scrape together 100 dollars.

They even show cartoons on a contraption Lemi rigged up.

I'm talking cartoons! Walt Disney isn't around yet, nor Mickey Mouse.

Watch up, watch up! A love story! As real as life itself!

I'll tell you something, but don't get the wrong idea.

They find that formula. You know the one that's said to be secret?

- What's that? - Cola of course!

Liquorice, bicarbonate of soda... And the base is syrup anyway.

Hold it, I'm not with you. They really invent cola?

Sure they do, but...

Aziz!

What do you think?

Wow! Fabulous! Fabulous! Look...

Try it.

What do you reckon?

Exquisite!

Aziz, should I write this on the pitcher? 'Drink Cold'.

Forget it. Leave people alone. Let them drink it how they like.

Drink up, drink up! Ice-cold cola!

Thanks. Enjoy! Ice-cold cola!

Drink up, drink up!

If only I could afford some... It needs a drink on the side...

Anyone hungry? Ice-cold cola!

Let me get the money for that. There you go, my friend.

The thighs are still cooking. I'll give you a wing instead.

Give me change for this.

- Lf only I could afford one... - Shame on you! What's with the yelling?

You're a trader, right? So try yelling. The creaking wheel gets the grease.

We're Kentucky boys. Cut the bullshit!

And we're Samatya boys. You're trying to bullshit?

Get off me! Get off!

I'll get you with this bottle!

Get off!

Oh God!

So they're trying to sell chicken sandwiches in Kentucky.

Like they'd get away with it... The guys are in business there.

They'd give anyone else a chance? You recognise him?

- Who do you mean? - Who do you think?

The guy on the logo. I'm not plugging him here.

For our guys it was yet another let-down.

A solder job and it'll be fine.

Redneck assholes, they won't let us do an honest day's work!

How much have we got?

- Around 50-55 dollars. - Hand it over.

I'll get a pistol and go to town with them!

Enough crap! I've woken up from that American dream at last!

Aziz Efendi, you're a wanted man.

I'll find that fucker Johnny Lesh and finish him off too.

- Aziz Efendi, you're a wanted man. - Come on! It's just luck, that's all.

No, not like that. You have a price on your head.

Ah!

It's the spitting image!

- Ten dollars. Can we get that? - You bet we will!

Horse... Horse Whisper... Horse Whisperer.

Horse means 'at'!

How about this one? Johnny Lesh... 500 dollars.

So he's on the wanted list, the son of a bitch!

Let's just get that pitcher fixed.

Hello there, sheriff.

I'm Lenny the bounty hunter.

- I want 10 dollars for the cowboy. - Which cowboy?

- The horse-fu**ing cowboy. - What are you talking about?

- You know, the horse whisperer. - You sick bastard! You pervert, you!

But I didn't do a thing. The horse started it.

Sheriff, it's your job to put perverts like this behind bars.

Lou, lock up the animal.

He should be kept away from stables a while, asshole!

Here, your 10 dollars.

This is peanuts. I'm really after Johnny Lesh.

Johnny Lesh? Are you kidding? I'd retire if I found him.

Here. 500 dollars.

- Would you care for some cola? - Cola? It's a drink?

Here you go, sheriff.

Won't you have some too?

Whoa!

Sheriff Cheko?

Here, Timothy the horse thief.

Timothy the horse thief, huh?

How old are you?

Open your mouth! Open up!

- He's not worth a red cent. - Twenty dollars!

Ten dollars.

I hate horse thieves, Timothy.

- OK, 10 dollars, 10 dollars. - It's a deal?

Lock him up!

Sheriff, would you care for a cola?

Cola?

Go on then.

Whoops!

You?

It's ice-cold.

May it work its wonders.

Johnny Lesh... 900 dollars.

He goes up faster than the dollar, son of a bitch.

Psst, listen. Put 100 dollars, not some piddling amount.

We'll say he robbed a train.

- Aziz Efendi, what about the name? - What name?

Get writing. 'Jack Daniel'. It's our last job anyway.

Tomorrow we're on the train to White Lake.

- Jack... ... Daniel.

Daniel. Train robber Jack.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Almighty God, have mercy on the soul of Thy departed servant.

And let us, who mourn him, pray for his soul.

Lord, protect and watch over him. Amen.

Take it easy there! May God forgive his sins, brother.

Father, not brother.

We're after the sheriff actually.

I'm Sheriff Murphy.

Sheriff, I've brought you train robber Jack.

- Train robber Jack? - Train robber Jack.

- Train robber Jack... - Aha.

You hear that, Jack? The guys says he's caught you!

God damn you! Just get this over with!

- That's train robber Jack? - Just our fucking luck!

- The train robber was your idea. - And whose idea was Jack Daniel?

It was me who laughed at 'train robber Jack', was it?

Sheriff, allow me to offer you a cola.

Wait! There's carbon dioxide inside! Carbon dioxide! Agh! Oh my God!

Roll them in tar and feathers and lock them up!

Come here! Get moving!

Relieve yourselves in this pot. Don't get bird shit everywhere.

- Are you wearing that talisman? - Yes.

The one that keeps away danger?

Gambling, was it?

God give me patience...

This is the calm before the storm. There are greater things to come...

Man, does there have to be one of you in every jail?

Johnny Lesh!

Who'd have thought a gunslinger like him would land up here?

- There goes our 1000 dollars. - That's bullshit!

The diamond's come back by itself.

Friend... Can I have that if you're not eating it?

Get to work! Come on!

Get to work!

If they left us alone for a second I'd smash his face in.

But they're always looking.

Calm down. We'll follow the routine. There's no rush.

This is the calm before the storm. It doesn't bode well.

Get out of here! Clear off!

Hey, chickens! Water!

You mentioned the routine, right? What do we do?

Don't rush things. More haste, less speed.

Slow and steady wins the race. Listen.

- Lemi! - Aziz Efendi!

That was some hail of bullets!

It's so dark in there.

Water, anyone?

- I guess not. - Lesh. Lesh!

Lesh, don't die! You can't die yet! Wait!

Where's the diamond? Tell us where the diamond is.

- Out with it! - Where's the diamond?

- Bea... - Bill... Give him some water.

What's bill? Bill? What's bill? Pacos Bill?

- Buffalo Bill! - Come on, bill what?

- Akbil travel cards? - Bill?

Bea... Ts me.

Asshole, I'll kill you! You can't die! I'll kill you!

- Cannon... - Bill Cannon? Bill Cannon?

- Cannon? Cannon? - Cannon... Ball...

Cannonball. What's Cannonball? Local or import?

- Siii... - Say the first bit! The first bit!

Sii-ouux...

Sioux! He said Sioux! The Sioux!

No, man! It was "see you", like "I'm dead. " It was "see you"!

He timed that death so badly.

Ah, poor thing! His horse is all sad.

- Horses are such sensitive animals. - Right.

Aziz Efendi?

You're Johnny Lesh. You broke jail. You're worth 2000 dollars.

OK.

Here.

Agh!

This is the calm before the storm. There are greater things to come.

I'm knocking him off.

Let's see what Cannonball is all about then...

I'd never have imagined this. Galatasaray High School, Robert College...

...four years' training at the finance ministry...

...and look at me now.

Well, put it in your memoirs.

We only had to deliver the diamond, be wined and dined and get back.

But we've been in shit the whole way. Look, I still have fluff in my mouth.

So I need to reconsider my admiration for the west.

My dear friend, why do you make such a big thing about the west?

100 years ago Versailles Palace had no toilets.

The king shat straight on the floor.

The waltz was only invented so people didn't step in shit.

They always say that. So what went wrong after that?

Well, the printing press didn't get to us till late, and so on...

- What's going on? - Get off, get off!

- Whoa! - Whoa!

Whoa!

Keep calm.

- Is that really a woman? - Sure.

Watch where she's firing. You can tell from that.

Aziz Efendi, what's going on? I sense a new admiration for the west.

The thing is to take on the good things about the west.

Hey, take off those guns. Remember, you're a captive.

Glasses!

Hello there, pretty lady! We loved watching your target practice.

Really?

But watching the Suzan Van Dyke show doesn't come for free.

Toss over some change.

We're clean out of money. How about a coffee instead?

Coffee, huh?

- Suzan Van Dyke. - Aziz Vef... Zozo the Kid. Three words.

The coffee's with the horses. Let me run off and get it right now.

- She's like a man! A real turn-off. - I'd lay her for what it's worth.

The coffee foam is fine, your marksmanship divine...

Thanks.

I've been into it since I was 3. I did 5 years in Buffalo Bill's Show.

Shooting, lassos, cooking, trickshot... Then I did some time at a hotel.

Van Dyke...

What brute of a cowboy puts you to work like this?

What cowboy? There is no cowboy.

Did you drop this by any chance?

Yes.

Lesbo...

- Someone important, I guess. - Right... Someone I love.

So which way are you heading?

Well, I'm a bounty hunter, on my way to turn in Johnny Lesh.

- Goddamn it! What are you saying? - What is this? Hold it!

- Johnny Lesh! Finally. You, huh? - No! Aziz, tell her!

- Suzan, please... - Wait, Miss Suzan!

Out of the way or I'll kill you too! No, stay right there!

Wait! No! He's not Johnny Lesh! It's a lie! We're Ottomans!

- He's a fake! To get the reward! - Really I'm not him, or American even.

I'm Ottoman. An Istanbul boy. I speak four languages.

- Ottoman? - Ottoman. You know, the palace, music...

Folk plays... The harem...

- �bi� sweetie, we have guests coming. - Fine, but coming to see me?

- Great food, stuffed leaves, lamb stews... - Stuffed eggplant...

The Hippodrome, Sultanahmet, Ramadan festivities...

Look, the lights between minarets!

- Lf only we had them here! - Sultan of the 11 months...

Lords and ladies, let's repair to the river for drinks...

We'll pull those oars and have a merry time.

An old mansion... The fire brigade... Afire...

- Guard, where's the fire? - In my heart! In my heart!

- The gangsters of Galata, Tophane... - I killed my mother and my father!

- Do the Arab maid. - What does young madam fancy tonight?

Not like that. Make it more nasal.

Young madam, I haven't cooked a thing and the larder's empty.

Isn't that a bit fierce?

Some soot on my face and I'd be the perfect Arab maid!

A headscarf would do the trick too.

Ah! Lokum... Turkish delight! Lokum!

I didn't get the Arab maid, but lokum makes sense.

- Here you go. - Turkish delight...

- Lokum originates from us after all. - Hmmm...

- You believe I'm not Johnny Lesh, right? - I believe you.

Miss Suzan, we have another thing. If a gun is pulled, it has to fire.

Oh, right.

It's nothing. Just a graze. Get up, get up.

Hang on in there, Aziz Efendi.

Agh!

- Aggh! - OK, OK. Keep still. OK.

Is that alcohol?

Agh! Oh God!

- So Lesh is dead, huh? - Yes. We saw for ourselves.

Aziz Efendi buried the body with his own hands.

I wish I'd killed him myself. Johnny Lesh murdered my mother.

My mother... Mary Lou.

Ohh! Agh! Ugh!

- God! - Pass that over.

Johnny Lesh shafted us too.

We'd arrived with the sultan's gift. Something worth thousands.

We're in the mail coach. And suddenly, bandits!

It's, "Stop the carriage, you son of a bitch!"

Aziz Efendi panics, I'm brave as can be.

- We draw straws and... - Skip the details, asshole!

My idea was to make Lemi Johnny Lesh, turn him in and get back 2000 dollars.

You should cross the river. Lesh is too well-known this side.

I'd say go to Cannonball.

- Cannonball? - Cannonball... See you...

Ah!

You'd get 2000 dollars for Lesh there. The sheriff's a jerk.

Hurrah!

Right... But I get 1000 of that.

That's fine.

Hey, it's a photo of her mum. Gossip monger!

You know they say hearsay is half lies?

And you let her have 1000 dollars just like that.

I'd give my life for her.

She's like a man. Not my type.

Yeah, right. Check out that back. Just like our street porter, Hasan.

Ahem...

Listen, which hand do you use to write your memoirs?

Good. Let me tie up those hands so I get a decent night's sleep.

- Don't you have any trust left? - No.

Hey! I expect you at evening prayer. Got it? Don't drive me mental!

Here, stick this gun out of the way.

If it's not keeping law and order...

...it's priest duties at the church.

I don't have five minutes to sit down. I'm just back from a funeral.

Chuck, run over to the church with some candles.

The assholes keep nicking them.

Yes, welcome.

- Sheriff Lloyd? - That's me.

We've come to pick up a reward.

How about a whisky first? My own home-brew.

Or... Chuck! Run over and get us some ice-cold cola!

- Cola? - Yes. It's new.

You know how it tastes? Awesome!

They've bottled the stuff.

It's a total rip-off.

Anyway, sheriff. Let's talk business.

We've brought you Johnny Lesh.

Johnny Lesh...

Is this for real? You're not kidding, right?

- Chuck, you hear that? Johnny Lesh... - When do we get the money?

The money? What goddamn money? Are you insane, man?

On a day like this, at a time like this...

...at a moment when we most need to join forces and stand together...

...you're asking me to lock up a hero like Johnny Lesh?

I sent a message with the Fargos' boy. You got it, right?

What's going on?

Sheriff, you're breaking the law. We demand the reward right now!

To hell with your reward! The money's with me. Don't worry.

But I can't lock up Johnny Lesh.

The Sioux have fucked us over.

Look!

- Ugh! They scalped him! - Right... Not long ago.

It only happened yesterday. They wreak havoc on a regular basis.

Have a seat.

Look, if anyone can deal with this, it's Johnny Lesh.

You're white too. You should have some sympathy.

Chuck!

Hey, don't high-five me every time I say your name, hick!

Run and tell the hotel...

...Johnny Lesh is on his way with our bounty hunter guests.

There we go!

Come with me, my man.

Sheriff!

Macaulay!

Take Johnny Lesh to the hotel.

Give him a good wash inside and out.

Sure, sheriff. This way!

- Don't say he's forgetting the reward. - Not so fast. We'll talk.

Isn't the lady coming to the hotel? Please! Make yourself at home.

I could do with a hot bath.

I'm getting my 1000 dollars, like it or not.

OK, OK. She seems like a go-getting type.

Right, she's a go-getter, but will we get that reward?

Sure you will. Don't fret.

Have some respect for this star. Don't fret about the reward shit.

Once we wipe out those Sioux the rest is easy.

You seem like a heavy-hitting hero.

- With help from Allah... - What?

- I mean, yes, I am. - Forget that.

The cowboy days are over.

Today you get young boys sticking feathers in their heads...

...making whooping noises and playing Indians all day.

That's kids for you. What do they know about enemies?

Try talking sense to an Indian. You'd never get anywhere.

Those freaks talk to rivers, mountains and rocks.

- It must be the firewater. - Just the firewater?

There's peace pipes, mushrooms, and a pile of other shit.

But they're finished. Almost.

They have maybe half an acre of land left around here.

I'll wipe out the lot of them soon enough.

- Hey! Go play somewhere else! - That's my second wife. Betty.

- Welcome, cowboy! - My respects...

- Will you be staying a while? - Well...

Mind your own business!

- Come to evening prayer if you like. - We've had the evening call to prayer?

What?

Well, with a gammy leg...

Come on in.

It's not a church to write home about.

But it's fine as a place to perform religious duties.

Hey, don't take those boots off. The assholes will nick them.

Divide religion and state, sheriff, or the work will wear you out.

Public service. What can I do? There's no choice.

- Come on! Aren't the floors done yet? - But hasn't slavery been abolished?

You can't abolish slavery overnight for God's sake!

Slowly but surely. Get up, you!

If he sang a gospel song, he'd have you in tears, you know.

Go on, get your robes on. And make that voice soulful, huh!

Psst! Don't let him walk all over you.

- Here's our confession box. - So the confessions come out, huh?

Well, they'll do...

What are you doing in there? Get out, dickhead! Get out!

That's my oldest kid... Eugene.

I should have shagged anything but his mother.

Leave him alone, sheriff! He's having a spiritual moment.

Spiritual, huh? He's off his head from that homebrew whisky.

- His friends call him Johnnie Walker. - Johnnie Walker?

Aha... Hey, say hello to the guy!

- Hello. - Hello.

Don't get the wrong idea. This woman... I was hearing her confession.

I'd just finished when you turned up.

- Welcome... Got a smoke? - No smokes, no.

- He should give me a smoke. No smokes... - Ah! Here, a mirror!

When one crazy meets another he's as mild as milk, they say.

Good for that mirror. It'll keep him busy for hours.

Here's a picture of my mum. You can keep it.

Where did you find that? Get out of here! Quick march!

Get marching!

That's my boy! Let's see the arms too!

Swing those arms too!

Sheriff, what's the story with you and Johnny Lesh?

Johnny Lesh robbed a mail coach last month.

He lifted a diamond as big as your fist.

But the Sioux ambushed him in a canyon and grabbed the diamond.

Now if you tell him where those Sioux are...

...Johnny Lesh will do them in.

And we'll be rid of the feathered jerks.

Don't fret over that reward. Two grand is a drop in the ocean.

Give us a hand with this and keep quiet about it.

- So the Sioux have the diamond? - I swear by Allah.

- By Allah? - Well, just a slip of the tongue.

- Lemi! - Excuse me!

The Sioux have the diamond. The Sioux!

The sheriff has a proposition for you. He said to meet in the saloon tonight.

- Saloon? - That's what he said.

Whoa!

Well, I'm after the diamond. I haven't got a word out of her.

It's been a total waste of time.

Great... Great. Good for you.

Speak! Speak! Where's the diamond?

Come on in. Welcome!

Now let's find somewhere to sit.

Get up from that table! Fat ass!

You can't afford that table!

Murdoch of the Fidas is sitting there. There you go.

Good luck.

Here, my dear friend. Welcome!

Whisky over here!

Good luck. I'll be right back.

Hey, didn't I tell you no under-18s in this place?

Stetsoned fucker!

Chuck! Throw him out!

We don't want a fight yet. There's still time for that.

Hey, Johnnie! What are you doing here?

- Dad wants a Johnnie. - Let's have it then.

Come on! Knock it back. What's up? You're wasted?

Suzan, I drank like this as a kid. It's also nice you're joining me.

But you're not watching the cancan dancers.

They hired a belly dancer for my circumcision party.

And I haven't been able to look at one since.

Good evening to you!

- No Johnny Lesh? - He'll be here in a while.

Busy pumping, is he?

I told him the story. He's interested.

We'll set off tomorrow. But we need all the Indian gear.

We'll arrange that.

Whoa!

Come on in, Casanova. Have a seat.

- She was asking about the post office. - Sure she was.

Don't fret... Everything you want will be taken care of.

Once we've taken out the Sioux chief it'll be curtains for those shits here.

Besides, let the bastards learn the price of screwing Johnny Lesh, huh?

We'll set out tomorrow at dawn, Zozo the Kid too.

Three cheers!

I'm not thrilled by the idea of messing with the Sioux, but anyway...

- Be honest. Were you pumping just now? - Sheriff!

You just spoke like that in front of a lady. Don't!

What's wrong? She has more of a moustache than me.

Shh!

What's wrong, Suzan?

Suzan, that diamond's crucial for us. Our lives depend on it.

We have to leave tomorrow morning.

Don't come if you don't want... But it would really help if you did.

- They said I had a moustache. I heard! - Look, I have one too. So what?

- They just don't see your beauty. - Yeah, right. Sure.

There's an art to seeing beauty, Suzan. Some people look and don't see it.

And it isn't where you look that matters...

...it's what you see there.

See you tomorrow.

- Come inside, cowboy. - I'm no cowboy, wench!

Move!

Go on, move!

Wow! Terrific story!

- So the Sioux got the diamond? - Right.

Wow...

You know, I can't wait to see how you bring the boots into it.

Well, the boots belong to Johnny Lesh, don't they?

No. What's he got to do with them?

- Listen. These guys... - Hey, Zeki. How about a break?

- I need a piss. - Sure.

Me too, if you'll excuse me.

Hey! How's it going?

Terrific!

- Hand over that cappuccino. - Wait. Let me fix this mouthpiece.

- Fuck! - What's up?

I dropped it... OK, 10-minute break while I look for it.

- Yakari! - Yakari?

Hamle ba Yakari! Haride Yakari! Tannare Yakari!

Hanyere had Yakari! Kam le Yakari! Koppe Yakari!

Aziz Efendi, I'm using my intuition... Greetings, Iron Leg!

- Hello, Eagle Eye! - Are you taking the piss?

- Well, Unwanted Hair of the Cherokees... - The Cherokees?

The Grand Cherokees... My friends Pajero and Pontiac.

We bring greetings to the chief.

Beat that! Let's see your cards.

Hello, chief!