Original subtitles

(nurse) I heard she was moved to another room.

(doctor) Mrs. Larson?

It, uh...

It won't be much longer, Mrs. Larson.

(Mrs. Larson sighs)

Oh. Well, is he in a lot of pain?

No. No, no. There'll be no more pain for your husband. He's heavily sedated.

OK. I think I'm gonna go send little Hal in now.

No. No, no. I don't think that's such a good idea.

With all the painkillers, uh...

the Reverend's not exactly himself.

Look, I think my boy has a right to say goodbye to his father.

I mean, the man means everything in the world to him.

Well.. your call.

Nurse?

- Yes, Reverend Larson? - Did you see the cowboy?

The cowboy?

The cowboy who gave me the singing nickel in Pudding Town?

OK, think it's time to turn down the morphine drip.

Reverend Larson? Your son is here.

OK, sure. Send her in.

Ladies?

A little privacy.

(coughing)

Dad?

It's me, Dad. Hal.

Oh. Glad you're here, kiddo.

Got a few things to tell ya.

First, I want you to promise that no matter what you do in life,

you will never, ever settle for average.

- Yes, sir. - Second...

don't be satisfied with routine poontang.

- Huh? - Don't do what I did.

I married for love, and your mother Betty has been a nightmare.

But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.

Listen to me. I'm giving you pearls here.

And third, find yourself...

a classic beauty...

with a perfect can...

and great toddies. That will put you in good stead with the Lord.

It's all in here.

Yes, sir.

Hot young tail's what it's all about.

Hot...

young... tail.

(flybuzzes)

(rhythmic beeping)

(flatline tone)

I'll make you proud, Papa.

I want nothing to do with you, you little warthog.

Shh. You had me at ''Get lost.''

- Hey, what's up, Mauricio? - Hey, Hal.

- How's the crowd tonight? - Good. I got a few bites.

Yeah? Can I get you a drink?

- I won't say no to that. - (Hal) Whoo!

Two beers.

- Two Buds? - Two Buds.

So, I didn't expect to see you here. Where's your new girl Loni?

- Lindy. - Lindy.

- She's, uh... - (bartender) Here you go.

Actually, I didn't tell her I was going out tonight.

Why not? Things OK with you guys?

Yeah. A little too OK, if you know what I mean.

(laughs)

- No, I don't know. What's that mean? - Things are going in the shitter.

Aw, jeez, I'm sorry to hear that. Why is she dumping you?

- She's not. I'm dumping her. - You're dumping Loni?

- Lindy. - Are you crazy? Lindy's gorgeous.

On the surface, but when you get to know her better, there's a whole other story goin' on.

Yeah? How goes that?

We're sitting there, you know, and she's got her bare...

Her bare feet were on the couch, and I notice that her second toe is, Iike,

half an inch longer than her big toe.

That's it? You're breaking up over that?

Hey, I don't need that circus shit.

Well, couldn't she get the toe filed down or something?

What, then I'm dating a nub?

I'm starting to think we're jinxed here.

- Speak for yourself, my friend. - What, you got the promotion?

I don't hear about that till tomorrow.

But guess who is now officially going out with Jill.

Jill?! Your neighbor Jill?!

- You're going out with Jill?! - And she doesn't exactly hate me.

Get out! You are the luckiest man on the planet.

- So what are you doing here? - She's hostessing untiI 11.

Actually, I better get going. I'll try to catch her on the way home.

See if she wants to get a drink.

If I know you, that's not all she'll be getting.

(laughing) I'll see you later.

- I said no. - No? Why not?

I don't want to have a drink. I want to go home.

- Is that so hard to understand? - Hey, hey, hey.

What's goin' on? Are you mad?

No, I'm not mad. I just...

Go on, say it. You know what?

No matter what it is, we're gonna work it out.

HaI, I'm not attracted to you.

So what? You think everyone who goes out is attracted to each other? Get reaI.

I think they're attracted to each other in the beginning.

Oh, come on. That sounds Iike a bunch of New Age hooey.

All right, maybe for some people there's a little spark in the beginning, but for most,

the attraction part happens way later. Whoa!

Just Iike that, we're breaking up?

Well, we were never going out. We just had one date.

Come on. Hey, let's stay together five days. That's all I need.

Why do you need five days?

Because tomorrow I'll finally get my promotion.

There's gonna be parties, dinners, this, that. Come on, I need you now.

You don't need me. You'll be so busy, you won't think about me.

How can I not think about you? You live right across the hall.

I don't know, HaI. Maybe... maybe you should think about moving.

Hal, we've made a decision regarding that wholesaler position.

Yes! It's about time, Dave.

We decided to go with the gal from Merrill.

She's a proven entity. A big producer.

I'm sorry, man.

No, it's... The gal's a proven entity. What the heck you gonna do?

- Hal, I'm so sorry. - Yeah, thanks.

You shouId have gotten it. You deserved it.

No, I didn't. Obviously I didn't put them in a position

where they had to promote me. It's a good lesson.

Make yourself indispensable, that's the key.

And to make matters worse, Jill dumped me last night.

Dumped you? Don't you have to be going out to get dumped?

What does that mean?

I just thought it was more of a... Anyway, I don't see why you care so much.

- You know she was wrong for you. - How can you say that? She was perfect.

When are you gonna get it? They're just well-formed molecules.

By the way, her tits weren't even real.

Well, I could squeeze 'em. That's real enough for me.

HaI, I don't understand how a guy who's as nice and loyal and generous as you

could have such a huge flaw.

What are you talking about?

You don't think picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way?

What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?

High standards? In the five years I've known you,

every woman - I shouId say girl - you've gone after

has been completely out of your league.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it.

She's just saying you're not that good-looking.

Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.

No.

Hey, it's you. You're the TV guru guy.

Tony Robbins. Pleased to meet you.

Yeah! Oh, man!

So, wow! You gave advice to whatch am a call it.

- President Clinton? Mandela? - No, no, no.

- Gorbachev? - No, no. Pamela Anderson.

Right? Yeah! Give me another handshake.

Wow! Man, look at those mitts! That's like grabbing a bunch of bananas.

And what's up with those dogs? How big are those?

- Size 16, buddy. - Holy cannoli.

- You must do pretty good with the ladies. - Just one.

- Really? - Yeah.

(snickers)

She sounds hot!

She is an amazing lady.

I bet.

So, what are you doing in my town?

We're doing a seminar here.

I help people deal with life's challenges with more dignity and more courage.

That's my deal, is the courage. I try to... Argh!

- Hang on a second. - Are we gonna fall?

No, it just stopped. That's weird.

- Oh, man, yeah. So what do we... - Hang on.

- Are you OK? I'm fine. - You OK?

Yeah, yeah. It's just, uh, I feel a little light headed.

Then she dumped me. Flat out. Not even the courtesy of a severance pop.

A severance pop?

You know, one last... (popping sound/whistles) to ease the pain.

The nice ones'll sometimes throw you that.

It sounds like you've had some odd relationships.

Yeah.

See, the probIem is I'm kinda picky.

What do you mean, picky?

Well, for instance, I Iike 'em real young.

Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first Sports lllustrated layout?

You want a young Paulina type?

Well, that face, but with better headlights.

You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately?

Heidi Klum's beams would do. And her teeth.

Or, ooh, that Britney Spears girI. She's got great knockers.

But, uh, she's a tad muscuIar.

Uh, actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grille.

Like, uh, Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did Grease 2.

But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle.

Like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed.

But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi.

But no accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast.

You know what I mean. Someone like that.

Don't you think you're being a bit shallow in the way you look at women?

Well, uh, no.

I mean, you know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.

OK, um, hypotheticaI situation.

Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?

Ooh, toughie.

That's a toughie.

How's the remaining breast? Is it big?

What's your relationship like with your parents?

Oh, it's excellent. I mean, my mom's hilarious. She golfs every afternoon.

Actually, I don't really remember my dad. He died when I was nine, so...

If you were nine, that's kind of odd. You should remember a lot.

Yeah, but I don't.

My mom thinks I might have been a little traumatized by the whole thing.

Anyway, all I remember is he was great.

He was a great guy, and I really loved him. But...

I'm sorry you lost him.

Hey, listen, I know you got a great heart.

You're just a bit fixated on people's appearances.

So, HaI Larson, I'm gonna do you a great favor.

- ReaIIy? - Yeah.

Listen, this is how it'II work. From this moment on,

whenever you meet someone in the future, you're onIy gonna see what's inside them.

So you'II respond to that.

Because that, my friend, is where the true beauty Iies.

OK, Tony, I think you're getting a IittIe cabin fever.

HoId on. What if I toId you you couId have the most beautifuI women in the worId?

Uh, is this kind of Iike what you do in your seminars?

No, no, this is very speciaI.

This is just between you and me.

- Let's get up and I'II show you what to do. - Yeah!

Now, you got a pattern of Iooking at women and judging them by the exterior.

- We gotta break that pattern. - AII right.

So has there been a time when you were especiaIIy shaIIow?

You saw a woman, thought you were better than she was?

- AII the time. - AII the time.

Can you think of a time when you were reaIIy shaIIow?

- Oh, yeah, I got one. - Think about that. Ready?

DeviIs, come out!

- What the heII are you doin', banana hands?! - Just hang on.

- We gottajoIt your nervous system. - Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Notjust taIk about it. Here's what I want you to do.

- Just reIax. - AII right.

And I won't do that again.

- I didn't mean the ''banana hands'' thing. - That's OK.

CIose your eyes. Just reIax. And I want you to imagine that you're on a beach.

It's a warm day and the sun is just starting to set.

And you're Iooking in the eyes of a woman, and you're feeIing her heart.

You're seeing her souI.

You're feeIing her spirit.

That's it.

That's it. ExceIIent.

ExceIIent.

Taxi!

Oh.

I'm sorry. I... I thought that...

No, no, no. No. It's my fauIt. I didn't see you.

This is your cab. No, I'm gonna get the next cab.

Uh... OK.

AII right.

Look, I'm just... I'm just headed over to the East Side.

- Do you want to share, or...? - Yeah!

Uh, yeah, Iet's take this one.

So, awesome. Thank you. Terrific.

Where to, my friends?

- East Side PIaza for me, pIease. - Likewise.

What?

Oh. Huh? Sorry. I just...

I mean, yeah, you're... you're reaIIy pretty.

(scoffs) Yeah, right.

Jeez, is everybody in this city so fIattering?

See, I figured you weren't from around here. Where you from?

Boston.

Beantown.

The musicaI fruit.

The more you eat, the more you... toot.

So, uh, you here on a shoot or something?

A shoot?

I mean, you must be a modeI, right?

My grandmother's not doing so weII,

so I took a year off from schooI to heIp her out.

Oh. HeIping granny. CooI.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Uh, bye.

So, nice catching up.

Listen, um,

I know you'II probabIy think I'm some kind ofwacko for asking, but, um...

What?

WeII, whiIe you're here in town, I mean, you know...

Ifyou ever feeI Iike taking a break from hanging out with your oId, sick granny,

you know, we couId...

Sure. I mean...

- ReaIIy? - Are you kidding? Yeah! That'd be...

I wouId absoIuteIy Iove to, if...

OK, yeah. I shouId get your number, then.

No, no. Um, I'II get yours, because it wouId...

With my Iuck, you'II Iose mine, so...

Oh. No, I get it. Very funny. You got me. That was... No, that was good.

You couId've just said no, but you went the extra miIe.

That was harsh. I don't need this shit.

- WeII, hey, uh... - What?

- Uh, I do want your number. - Oh, I'm sorry!

I don't know what... That was dumb.

I was saying something... I thought you meant... Never mind.

Yes. Yes.

Here's my phone number, and, um, here's my e-maiI.

(laughs)

E-maiI. That's...

Yeah. That's funny.

(Mauricio) Hello?

Hey, mudwhistIe, get dressed. We're going out.

So Robbins gave you free therapy whiIe you were in the eIevator?

Yeah. And then... Check this out.

He does this thing to me where he makes it so I can score better with the Iadies.

At the time I thought it was sort of ajoke.

But this afternoon, the first beautifuI woman I saw went for me.

CouId be coincidence.

But no. This wasn't, you know... This was different.

I don't know, she went crazy for me or something.

I think taIking to him heIped my confidence or something.

'Cause I do feeI more confident.

Shit. Look who's here.

(cheering)

What's the matter? You have a probIem with WaIt?

- You don't? - No. Why wouId I?

- Don't you get sick of it sometimes? - Sick ofwhat?

The whoIe ''I waIk on aII fours so I own the worId'' thing.

AII the phony seIf-deprecating crap.

Jeez, the guy... Give the guy a break!

He's got spina bifida! He pIays the hand he was deaIt.

Yeah. And here he comes.

There's a coupIe of beIt buckIes I recognize.

Hey, WaIt. How you doing?

Do I Iook Iike I have anything to compIain about?

Not ifyou don't mind bunions on your knuckIes.

I gotta go to the can.

- Hey, man, good to see ya. - Good to see you.

- How you been? - Good.

There's a pair of panties I recognize. How ya doing, Deb?

OK, wise guy, what's it gonna be?

A bottIe of Dom for my buddy here.

Another? OK, you got it.

And keep 'em coming.

What's the occasion?

I take it you don't read the business section?

- What did I miss? - I soId my company to Microsoft.

Yeah? And you cIeaned up?

WeII, put it this way. If I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

AII right! CongratuIations!

Yup, I'm officiaIIy retired and on the prowI.

- Hey, WaIt. - Hey, SaIIy.

I got a Ieash. WouId you Iike to take me for a waIk?

Come on, boy.

Catch ya Iater.

Hi.

Hi.

HaI.

I'm BeIIa.

- So, what's up? - Nothing.

- My friends are aII out on the dance fIoor. - Yeah?

Oh, how come you're not out there spanking the pIanks with 'em?

Spanking the pIanks. (laughs/snorts)

So, are they your roommates, or...

No, we work together at the Foundation Fighting BIindness.

Oh, cooI. I used to know a deaf guy.

Yeah. (laughs/snorts)

- Hey, do you wanna dance? - Yes!

AII right.

(snarls)

What in the name of aII that is hoIy?

- Do you need heIp?! - What? Come on!

Uh, HaI?

It's ten o'cIock. We gotta go.

(laughs) What are you taIking about?

HaI, we gotta go... do that thing.

- You know, at the pIace. - What thing?

Hey, uh, sorry, Iadies.

- I gotta steaI your dance partner here. - No!

- What are you doing?! - I am rescuing you!

- From what? - From what?!

From a pack of stampeding buffaIo! That's from what!

Come join us. I'm going after the redhead. You can have your pick ofthe other two.

You mean you get the hyena, and I choose between the hippo and the giraffe?

Don't be intimidated, man. They don't bite! Now, Iet's go! I'm getting back in there!

Hey... go nuts.

Hey, JiII.

Look, man, I don't know what the heII was the matter with you Iast night.

First you wouIdn't dance with the hotties at the bar,

then at the IHOP, those hotties were even hotter, and you disappear! Oh, my...

I gotta caII you back. Something came up.

BuiIding a parachute?

- Excuse me? - They're a IittIe big, aren't they?

Oh, I get it. You ripped the spinnaker on your saiIboat, right?

Um... I'm sorry. I just...

It seemed so funny seeing someone Iike you hoIding up a pair of oId-Iady trou.

- Someone Iike me? - Yeah. You know, someone so fit.

You are ajackass.

Miss, pIease. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to offend you.

Hey, unibrow, why don't you doubIe your dosage and Ieave me aIone?

Whoa, whoa. Let's start over.

Look, that was reaIIy dumb of me.

You were probabIy buying 'em for someone cIose to you, right? And I insuIted them.

WeII, however it is you took it, I want you to know I didn't mean to piss you off.

I wanted to meet you, and I guess...

I guess I'm not reaI smooth sometimes.

Let me make it up to you.

Excuse me, miss. Is everything aII right?

So, um, what do you do for a Iiving, Rosemary?

I'm actuaIIy voIunteering at the hospitaI right now,

'cause I'm waiting for this re-up thing to come through.

Re-up? What, are you in the army?

- Peace Corps. - Peace Corps. Wow.

That's very... aItrudocious ofyou.

AItrudocious? That's not a word.

Ah, you mean humanidocious, right?

(chuckles) Yeah. That's the one.

AII right. Ready to order?

Yeah. Um... Can I get a doubIe pizza burger,

chiIi fries with cheese, and a Iarge chocoIate miIkshake?

NiceIy done. I'II have the exact same thing.

- You got it. - I am impressed.

It's nice to see a girI order a reaI meaI.

I can't stand it when you guys order a gIass ofwater and a crouton.

It ruins the whoIe point of going out.

Yeah, weII, that's probabIy what I should be ordering, you know?

But... I don't know, no matter what I eat, my weightjust seems to stay the same.

So I just figure, what the heII? I'm gonna eat what I want.

Oh, totaIIy. Ifyou can get away with it, more power to ya.

Don't be a smart-ass.

What? No, I'm just saying, you know.

I feeI bad for peopIe who count caIories. It's no way to Iive.

Yeah.

But in return they get to be a Iot thinner than I am.

Uh... are you out ofyour mind?

What do you weigh? 110, 115 pounds?

Which one of my butt cheeks are you taIking about?

OK.

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

Trust me, whatever you're doing, it's working.

- It is working. - Oh, go on. Argh!

Oh, my God! Are you OK?

Oops.

Goddang it. Rosemary, don't move. Is your back aII right?

- Yeah. - Is she aII right?

Listen, you gotta get some decent chairs in here, man.

What's this shit made out of, anyway?

Uh... steeI.

Yeah? WeII, you shouId... get it weIded better in the corners!

- AII right, then. - Rosemary, you sure you're OK?

Yeah. I'm a IittIe embarrassed but... it's happened before, it'II happen again.

Oh, man.

Don't be embarrassed. Listen, I beef it. Everybody beefs it.

We're too Iate. The food's probabIy aII gone.

Listen, can you wait here one second?

Oh, HaI, just Iet it go.

Nah. Nah.

- HaI. - Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

(mock laughter)

You guys are making fun of me 'cause I'm a IittIe pudgy?

- No, I wasn't making fun ofyou. I was... - That's fine.

Do me a favor. Take a Iook outside.

You see that IittIe fox out there? See that IittIe number? She's with me.

Ifyou took aII the women you two have ever gone out with,

they wouIdn't equaI one of her.

- We're not arguing that. - No.

(mock laughter)

That's right. Laugh it up, feIIas.

And tonight, when you're hugging your piIIow, remember, I'm with her.

AII right? That's it. Unh!

- What happened? - WeII, Iet's just say

the score's HaI two, maII rats zero.

Let me waIk you to your car.

WeII, thanks for Iunch, HaI.

Ah, my pIeasure, Rosie.

My mother caIIs me Rosie.

- ReaIIy? - Yeah.

GentIemen, can I interest you in some chiIi fries and haIf a burger?

There's a Iot Ieft 'cause, uh, the IittIe guy couIdn't finish his meaI.

- Hey. Hey. - Pussy.

That was nice ofyou.

WeII, you're aII right in my book, too, HaI.

- Can I have your number? - What number?

Your PIN number - I want your money !

- Your phone number. What do you think? - Why?

Um, you know, to... go out. Maybe Iike tomorrow.

Uh... weII, yeah.

I mean, sure. It's in the book under Rosemary Shanahan.

- I can write it down. It's S-h-a... - No, I'II remember it.

- My boss's name is Steve Shanahan. - That's my father's name.

- Not JPS Steve Shanahan? - Yeah!

- Nunh-unh. - Yeah.

Your father is my boss.

I mean, not my boss. He's my boss's boss.

I mean, I don't know him, but I see him around the office.

WeII, then you won't forget my name.

- HaI? - Yeah?

If I don't hear from you...

I appreciate everything, anyway.

Cuckoo.

You sure you don't want a dog?

Um, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to Iose a coupIe of I-b's.

Since when do you care about your gut?

I don't reaIIy, but... I'm a IittIe nervous.

This girI who's coming to meet me here is in incredibIe.

Uh-huh? Like the ones on the dance fIoor the other night?

Even better, buddy. I'm teIIing you, it's aImost beyond beIief.

She's funny, she's smart, she teaches seIf-esteem to sick kids...

And I wouId never beIieve a girI as beautifuI couId have such a great personaIity.

UgIy duckIing syndrome. She probabIy wasn't pretty tiII high schooI.

The personaIity had to deveIop out of necessity.

You know what? I bet you're right. She's way too pretty to be so nice.

Sometimes they're ugIy so Iong, they turn pretty and don't reaIize it.

The ugIy seIf-image is so weII ingrained. That's a reaI find.

- Hey! - Hey!

I've been Iooking for you.

Oh! Oh, shit. Oh, it's Lindy. The girI with the toe.

- Hey, Mauricio. - How ya doing?

Good. Did you get my message?

Uh, no, no. My phone machine's not reaIIy working there. Did you caII?

- I got tickets for that BeatIes reunion. - The BeatIes?

Yeah. WeII, not the reaI BeatIes, but PauI, George and Ringo wiII be there.

But Eric CIapton is fiIIing in for John.

It's an invitation-onIy acoustic set.

- OnIy about 70 peopIe, tops. - Oh, man.

- So you're in? - Ahhh...

No. Not a CIapton fan.

Think I'II pass.

OK.

- WeII, I guess I'II see ya. - Yeah, yeah.

- Bye, Lindy. - Oh, did you see the toe?

Mauricio, I gotta teII you, you got issues.

- Don't even get me started. - Oh, God. There she is.There's Rosemary.

- Where? - Right there.

- Right where? - Straight ahead. Across the fieId.

- Is she behind the rhino? - She's right there!

Mauricio, I want you to meet someone.

This is Rosemary Shanahan. Rosemary, Mauricio WiIson.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

HoIy cow. I mean, uh... hi.

- Is that a Members OnIyjacket? - Uh, yes. Yes, it is.

So, are you, Iike, the Iast member?

(laughs) Oh, man. One-nothing, Rosemary.

- I toId you she was good. - (cellphone rings)

Excuse me forjust one second. HeIIo? Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, hoId on. WiII you guys excuse me?

Want something from the snack bar?

Yeah, get me a beer and nachos with aII the stuff on it.

You got it.

Does she take the cake or what?

She takes the whoIe bakery, HaI.

- I toId you. - Yes, you did. And yet I wasn't prepared.

So, what are you up for?

I don't know. I Iike the track.

Ah, so she's a gambIer.

(laughs) Yeah, weII, just the dogs.

I hate the ponies. There's too much human invoIvement, you know?

You can't trust peopIe ifyou're Iooking for a fair deaI.

What about you? Do you gambIe?

Uh, no, not reaIIy.

I mean, I bet on pro footbaII now and then,

but to make it more exciting. I don't care if I win.

Huh. I've never read that book.

What book?

Things Losers Say.

(Rosemary chuckles)

Hey, I got a good idea. Why don't we forget the track,

and, uh, I'II introduce you to some good friends of mine?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- AII right. - What do you say?

- I say OK. - You say OK?

Hi, guys. I want you to meet a very good friend of mine. OK?

This guy here is HaI. And he's reaIIy funny.

- How ya doing? - Good.

- Good to meet ya. - Hey.

Wow. Oh, my God. Look at that face.

She shouId be doing KeebIer commerciaIs.

You're the cutest thing I've ever seen.

- What's your name, beautifuI? - Cadence.

Cadence. That's a pretty name. You know, my uncIe's name is Cadence.

WeII, I got news for you, Cadence.

I'm not putting you down untiI the cows come home.

Put her down.

- The cow came home. - What is he doing here?

These aren't visiting hours.

Oh, Nurse PeeIer, we were just coming by to say hi to the kids.

Oh, fine. Pack it up.

And get these patients back in their beds.

- ShouId we get going? - Don't pay any attention to Nurse Sourpuss.

- Sourpuss. - (kids giggle)

Hey! I got an idea. Do you want to pIay the kissing game?

- I do! - Me!

- Yeah? - Want me to go get a bottIe?

No, no. Want to get the Iipstick?

- Get Iipstick. - Yeah, OK.

What we do is we put on the Iipstick...

The kisser kisses as much as they can untiI the Iipstick comes off.

Oh, cooI. I want to go first.

- Then I'm going Iast. - Jesse.

(underbreath) Hey, they don't have anything I can catch, do they?

They don't have anything you can catch.

I didn't think so. You guys don't even Iook sick.

You're just a bunch of phonies Iike my UncIe Cadence.

I'II bet you're here so you can get out of schooI. Right?

- Is that right? - Yeah.

- Give me some Iipstick. - Put on Iipstick.

You were incredibIe in there. You were. You were so amazing.

Ohh...

I'm serious. A Iot of peopIe get squeamish in that situation, and you were so...

- Rosemary? Is that you? - Dr. Sayed! How's it going?

- Good. Who is this? - This is my friend HaI.

- HaI. - Good to meet you.

- Be nice to her. She's a good girI. - AII right.

- Bye, Rosemary. - Bye.

I'm serious. That's what these kids need,

is, Iike, a stranger who isn't afraid to just be with them and pIay with them.

- It buiIds their seIf-confidence. - Why wouId anybody be afraid of 'em?

You are off-the-charts adorabIe. Do you know that?

Come on.

This is a nice street you Iive on.

Yeah, this is my street. You want to come up?

Yeah. But I don't think I shouId.

Why not? It's onIy 9 o'cIock.

I know. I don't think it's a good idea.

- Oh, no. Did I do something? - No.

- You've been reaIIy cooI. - Hi, HaI.

Oh, hey, JiII. Rosemary, this is my neighbor JiII.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Nice... - (grunts) Sorry.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too, JiII.

Um, I gotta go meet some friends, so I'II see you guys Iater.

- Bye. - Come up.

(sighs) No.

What? I thought... I thought we were having a good time.

We were. It's just, you know, HaI, I'm not used to aII this.

Used to what?

HaI, you've been reaIIy nice to me today. I reaIIy appreciate it. But...

What, your other boyfriends aren't nice to you?

- I don't have other boyfriends. - BuIIshit.

WeII, I had one boyfriend.

Um, it was kind of recentIy, actuaIIy, but it didn't work out.

Hm. You've been burnt, huh?

No. That's just it.

I, um... I've never been cIose enough to anybody to get burnt.

PIease! With a mug Iike that? You must be fighting 'em off daiIy.

Right ! I mean, I saw the way your friend Mauricio Iooked at me.

I thought he was gonna shoot me with a tranquiIizer gun and tag my ear.

Don't worry. He's been acting reaIIy weird IateIy.

EspeciaIIy around reaIIy pretty girIs.

HaI...

do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty, and that I'm not fat. OK?

'Cause it makes me uncomfortabIe.

Um, OK. You have a probIem with compIiments?

Look. I know what I am and I know what I'm not.

I'm the girI who gets reaIIy good grades and isn't afraid to be funny.

And I'm the girI who has a Iot offriends who are boys, and no boyfriends.

I'm not beautifuI, OK? And I never wiII be.

And I'm fine with that. You know?

But when you go around saying that I'm something that I'm not,

it's just... it's not nice.

Whoa, Rosemary. You're starting to scare me.

I mean, I reaIIy Iike you,

but I have to assume you're a IittIe nutty ifyou reaIIy beIieve you're not beautifuI.

- Grow up, HaI. - Rosie. Wait a second.

- WeII, it was too good to be true. - Hm?

Rosemary. Turned out to be a totaI psycho.

Her seIf-image is so far off, it's scary.

WeII, maybe you had a IittIe something to do with that.

What? What are you taIking about?

AII I ever did was teII her how perfect she was.

- ReaIIy? - Yeah.

Then she got aII huffy and toId me to grow up.

WeII, that's probabIy good advice. You are kind of immature.

You're not serious. You actuaIIy think you're more mature than me?

Yeah, right. I'm probabIy more immature than you,

but at Ieast I have a bigger wiIIie.

Yeah, bigger than a mouse's.

What the heII was that?

- I said your wiIIie's bigger than... - I heard,

but it took you, Iike, eight seconds.

You can't make a comeback after eight seconds.

You got... three seconds. Five, tops.

That's why they caII it a quip. Not a slowp.

AII right, you got anything better to read? I gotta fire off a missiIe.

(knock on door)

- Hi. Is this a bad time, or... - No.

Um... I just wanted to apoIogize for Iast night.

- You don't have to apoIogize. - Yeah, I do.

I caIIed you, Iike, immature or sophomoric or something Iike that.

- I know you're not... - (Mauricio) My God. HaI!

You gotta get in here and Iook at this turd. It Iooks just Iike KIinger from MASH.

Um... Why don't we get out of here? - OK.

Coffee?

Mmm.

Excuse me. Are you ready to order?

Yes. Two doubIe cheeseburgers, bacon, uh, one with reIish. Thank you.

(slurping) Ow.

- Are you OK? - Brain freeze.

Excuse me, sweetie. ProfessionaI.

Hey, BiIIy, stay over near the Iadder.

Weak. So weak.

You wanna see a spIash? I'm gonna show you a spIash. Ready?

(song continues)

- That was good? - BiIIy?

BiIIy? BiIIy?! BiIIy!

(sobbing) Daddy.

Sorry.

- What's the matter? - I shouId have changed at the beach.

What? Are you crazy? You Iook great.

I don't normaIIy dress Iike this around my parents.

Hey, hey, come on.

I'm the one who shouId be nervous here, not you.

Hey, you know, I've been meaning to ask you, um, were you adopted?

No. Why?

Um, 'cause your dad has that weird accent.

And aIso, I've seen him around the office.

I gotta say, I don't see the sIightest resembIance.

- ReaIIy? - Yeah.

Everybody says ifyou put a wig on him, he'd Iookjust Iike me.

(Irish accent) WouId you Iook at who's here now?

- Come here, my darIin'. - Hi, Daddy.

- Rosie, honey. - Mom.

Good to see ya.

HaI Larson, the guy I was teIIing you about.

- It's great to meet you, sir. - Likewise.

- Nice to meet you, HaI. - The pIeasure is mine, Mrs. Shanahan.

Wow, I can see where Rosemary gets her figure.

What the heII... What the heII is that you've got on?

We were at the beach.

Won't you be putting something eIse on, darIin'?

Oh, come on. She doesn't have to do that for me. Let's just keep it casuaI.

CasuaI.

Hey, Dad, HaI's one ofyour great untapped resources down at the company.

- Why don't you teII him some ofyour ideas? - Oh, so you've got a few ideas, do ya?

(Hal) It is risky, but the rewards are greater, too.

The point is, onIy a company with a soIid reputation Iike JPS

couId ever market this product.

(Mrs. Shanahan) HaI, Iet me take your pIate.

Oh, thank you. It was deIicious.

- Can I get you boys some coffee? - I'd Iove a cup oftea, darIin'.

Maybe just a drop ofthe hard stuff.

Uh, yeah, I'II just have a cup ofjoe. That'd be great. Thanks.

I have to say, HaI, I'm impressed with a Iot ofyour ideas.

Some ofthem are dog shit, you know,

but for the most part you seem to have done your homework.

- So I'd Iike you to do something for me. - OK.

WeII, I'm meeting with me executive committee Monday morning,

and I'd Iike you to make a presentation.

SeriousIy?

WeII, nothing fancy, you understand.

Just taIk about the same things that you taIked about here tonight.

- Great. I'd Iove to. - Oh, and by the way,

- you can cut out the act now. - Excuse me?

You think I got as far as I did in me Iife by bein' a fooI?

Now, you've got ambition, HaI, and I admire that.

HeII, I wish I had a hundred more Iike yourseIf.

We'd be the number-one firm in the country.

And me daughter wouId get a heII of a Iot more dates.

I'm sure Rosemary doesn't have any probIem getting dates.

I toId you to cut the shit out, aII right?

Look, Rosemary is me daughter, and God knows I Iove her dearIy.

But I think we both know that we won't soon be seeing her twirIin' the baton,

marching aIong with the DaIIas cheerIeaders.

Uh... I don't understand.

I'm teIIing you the truth, HaI.

And the truth is I haven't been abIe to bounce me daughter on me knee since she was two.

You know, I've read about peopIe Iike you.

PeopIe Iike me?

You superachievers with your impossibIe standards.

Nothing's ever good enough. Nothing measures up.

It never occurs to you that your kids are peopIe, with their own feeIings.

You think they're just an extension ofyou, Iike your biIIion-doIIar company,

or your $20 miIIion Lear Jet and your Picasso out in the front haII.

Everything refIects on you, so nothing and no one is ever good enough.

- Go on. - When I first met Rosemary,

she toId me she knew she wasn't that good-Iooking.

I couId not beIieve my ears. How can a person this beautifuI

possibIy interpret what she sees in the mirror to be anything other than that?

WeII, now I know.

- Is everything OK? - Huh? Yeah, everything is fine.

Just fine.

What?

Nothing. I just can't beIieve how Iucky I am.

You swear to God you're not gonna Iaugh?

Come on, I'm not gonna Iaugh.

(whimpers)

(exhales deeply)

Ah. Daddy Iike.

What in...? How did...?

(laughs)

Get over here, Houdini.

Hi.

Yes, I am.

Everything's so perfect.

- It's a IittIe scary. - I know.

But in a good way.

To have so much to Iose. That's nice.

- I'm gonna caII you Iater. - OK.

Bye.

(Rosemarysighs)

(knock on door)

Forget something?

- Oh, hey. - Hi. I'm gIad I caught you

- before you went to work. - What's up?

I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over tonight.

Open a bottIe ofwine, maybe watch a video.

Uh... nah. Thanks, though.

And in summation, I feeI that these measures wiII heIp JPS and aII of our customers.

- Nice job, HaI. - Thank you.

- NiceIy done. - I appreciate it.

- HaI, I stand corrected. - Thank you.

HaI, I need to see you in me office straight away.

Sure.

Sit yourseIf down.

So... what'd you think?

I'II be gettin' to that in a minute.

I want to taIk to you about that IittIe conversation we had the other night

and aII ofthem things you said to me.

WeII, I'm more than just a IittIe embarrassed, having said what I said.

I think me daughter is Iucky to have you.

No, sir. I'm the Iucky one.

Indeed.

WeII, now, as to your meeting in there.

Sure, it was first-rate.

- Yeah? - Oh, yes.

HaI, I'm gonna IeveI with ya.

I need your baIIs.

Sir?

I need a man around that can give it to me straight, you know?

Whether the news be good or bad.

So I've decided.

From now on, you'II be working directIy for me.

Uh... I don't know what to say but, um...

thank you.

WeII, a thank you wiII do just fine.

- WeII... get the fuck out. - Oh, OK.

- (both) CongratuIations on your promotion! - Oh, sorry.

No, no. Come in, come in. I want you to meet Rosemary.

- Rosemary, this is Jen and Artie. - Hi.

Kids, Rosemary Shanahan.

As in Steve?

Yeah, he's my dad. Oh, God, which reminds me, I gotta meet him for Iunch.

I'II see you this weekend, OK?

- Mmm. (gobbling) - (Rosemarygiggles)

It was reaIIy nice to meet you guys.

- Mind if I take a IittIe sIiver? - Go for it.

Beauty.

- Want a pIate? - Uh-uh.

I know what you're thinking. Where does she put it, right?

You guys, thanks for the cake. You didn't have to do this.

Hey, it was the Ieast we couId do,

seeing as how you worked so hard to become ''indispensabIe'' to the company.

Uh... is that that new thing caIIed sarcasm?

HaI, we aII know you're about as deep as a puddIe.

In fact, that used to be part ofyour charm.

- But this just fIat out sucks. - What are you taIking about?

Ifyou have one ounce of integrity Ieft, you'II break it off immediateIy,

before you hurt the poor girI.

I gotta give you credit for being more proactive and starting to meet women

and... Who knows? Maybe you are on a roII here or something.

But don't you think it's time to raise the bar a IittIe?

I mean, at first I thought you were in a sIump, you know?

I couId, as a friend, Iook the other way

whiIe you banged a few fatties and got it out ofyour system.

But there's Iots of good-eatin' fish out there.

You don't have to snack on carp anymore.

I suppose the girIs we partied with a coupIe weeks ago downtown

were a coupIe of carp, too?

No. Laura, the one with the whiskers, she Iooked more Iike a catfish.

Oh, uh, I see. And what about Marie?

Pop some boIts on her neck and the viIIagers wiII be chasing her.

- And Vicki?! - Who?

- Vicki! - Who's Vicki?

Vicki Vicki. With the short brown hair.

Vicki?! I thought that was a guy. I was caIIing her Vic!

Oh, you're out ofyour mind!

Look, I know I'm being a IittIe harsh on you here.

I think reaI friends are obIigated to be honest with each other.

This one that you're dating now... Jeez.

CarefuI.

Hey, aII I'm saying is she's got cankIes, for God's sake.

- What? - CankIes! She's got no ankIes.

The caIf merged with the foot, cut out the middIeman.

- She has coffee cans. - I know what cankIes are.

Rosemary doesn't have 'em.

You know what? I know what you're doing here.

- You're scared. - Scared?

Yup. This is exactIy what you did with the knockout with the weird frinkIy toe.

You're inventing reasons to dump girIs 'cause you're afraid.

AII right, Iook. I admit Rosemary is kind of cooI, aII right?

But admit you wouIdn't taIk to that wooIIy mammoth

if her father wasn't company president.

What?

I guarantee you've never met anyone Iike this guy who's coming with us.

- You're gonna Iove him. - Great.

- What's his girIfriend Iike? - I haven't met her.

Theyjust started going out. Oh, there he is.

- WaIt! - At your cervix!

Hey, you recognize these panties?

Rosemary, don't steaI my Iines.

- You two know each other? - Yeah!

Gosh, WaIt's been voIunteering down at the hospitaI for years.

- Oh. - So where's this, uh, mystery girI?

She shouId be here any minute.

(sniffs)

Hey, uh... I want you to be honest.

Is this outfit too ''Hey, Iook at me''?

- No, no. - It's... It's very subtIe.

- Sorry I'm Iate. - Tanya.

Oh. What a surprise.

I gotta get a map.

- I'm going with you. - What are those for?

Ever waIk through a truck-stop men's room on your hands?

(laughs weakly)

- Want anything? - Potato chips. And dip.

- Cut it out. - (laughs)

So, Tanya, I had no idea that you and WaIt were, you know... seeing each other.

Yeah. You got a Iight?

It's actuaIIy a very funny story.

Because he had been asking me out for a reaIIy Iong time

and I was aIways kind of unavaiIabIe.

And then just when he had given up, I broke up with my boyfriend, and there he was.

- So I asked him out. - So he kind of grew on you, huh?

ExactIy. I mean, you gotta admit,

when you first meet him, it is kind ofjarring.

I mean, you kind of don't even know what goes where.

But anyway, the timing couIdn't have been more perfect,

because he had just soId his company, and he has aII this time on his hands,

and we can pIan things

and traveI and go shopping and...

WeII, I guess timing's everything.

Hope you Iike bean dip.

(song ends)

(cheering)

Yeah! That was my girI.

- Oh, my God. I'm the biggest nerd. - Mm-mm.

- Rosemary! - RaIph!

Hi.

- You remember Li'iBoy? - Li'iBoy. Yeah.

- How are you? - Mahalo, Rosemary.

- How you doing? - Great.

Wow. Do they, uh... they stiII got you out in Sierra Leone?

No, no. Now they got me near my home.

I'm on this isIand in the South Pacific caIIed Carabas.

- I'm HaI. - Oh, I'm sorry. HaI.

These are my Peace Corps buddies.

This is RaIph Owens, and Li'iBoy. This is HaI Larson.

- What's up? - (Hal) Li'iBoy.

So, what are you guys doing up here?

Li'iBoy's been stuck in the office training for the Iast 30 days,

so I dragged him up here and threw him on the sIopes.

It wasn't pretty.

I knew this Hawaiian guy in high schooI

who went out for the hockey team. It was funny as shit.

Anyway, it's great to see you again.

You... you Iook... happy.

Thanks. I am.

WeII, we got a Iong drive back, so...

Bye.

- Bye. - Good to meet ya.

- You OK? - Uh-huh.

It's just that, um, do you remember how I toId you that once I had a boyfriend?

- Uh-huh. - That was him.

You're weIcome. Sure. What's your name?

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Robbins. Can I have a word with you, sir?

- Um, sure, but I gotta catch a pIane. - It's onIy gonna take a minute.

A few weeks ago, you got trapped in an eIevator with my friend.

- Oh, yeah! HaI. He was a great guy. - Yes.

He was having reIationship troubIes. How is he?

- That's a matter of debate. - ReaIIy?

Anyway, apparentIy, you gave him Iike a... pep taIk,

and now he's under the impression that he can get any woman he wants.

- And you don't think he can? - I don't know. Whatever.

But see, the point is, IateIy the onIy women he wants... are ugIy.

- Who says they're ugIy? - Bausch & Lomb.

And very fat, some ofthem.

It's Iike HaI has Iowered his whoIe...

- Jesus, you've got a big noggin. - Thanks for noticing.

My new book has a chapter on bIurting.

- You might want to pick it up. - Yeah, I'II check into that.

Anyway, I mean, did something go wrong here?

Is he having a nervous breakdown?

No. Haven't you heard the phrase, ''Beauty is in the eye ofthe behoIder''?

Yeah. Did you ever hear the song ''Who Let The Dogs Out''?

It can't be that bad.

Look, exactIy what did you do to him, man?

I aItered his perception a IittIe bit.

I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

- You messed with his eyesight, right? - No.

No. You hypnotized him.

No. I dehypnotized him. He's been hypnotized his whoIe Iife.

He's totaIIy focused on the outside.

I heIped him see inner beauty,

incIuding peopIe you think are not physicaIIy attractive.

How can he see their inner beauty when he doesn't even know them?

Inner beauty's easy to see when you're Iooking for it.

But how can he not... feeI them when he's...

(groans in disgust)

The brain sees what the heart wants it to feeI.

AII right, Iook. Let's just cut through the oId crapcake here, huh?

OK.

Sir, don't... don't you think it's wrong

- to brainwash someone? - Don't you think you're brainwashed?

AII you know about beauty is programmed.

TV, magazines, movies: they aII teII you what's beautifuI, what isn't.

How's this any different?

Look, I didn't come here to debate you! I just want my friend back!

Now, isn't there some kind ofword or phrase or something

- to take the whammy off him?! - Of course. But ifwe do that,

he'II go back to judging everybody by the outside.

- Is this what he reaIIy wants? - I don't care!

It's what I want! I want my friend back!

I gotta go. I gotta catch my pIane. I'm reaIIy sorry.

Look, a man's reputation, dignity and furniture are being trashed here!

Perhaps irreparabIy! For God's sakes, his job is in jeopardy!

- His job? ReaIIy? - Yes. And it's a greatjob.

I just wanted to give him a gift. I didn't want him to get hurt.

You seem to know him better than I do, so, um...

- It's a shame to Iet it go. - Oh, it's a tragedy.

(Hal) So, uh,

what'd you wanna taIk to me about?

Um, RaIph caIIed me.

Your oId boyfriend RaIph?

WeII, he was aIso my division Ieader in Sierra Leone.

Anyway, he's shipping out to Carabas in ten days and he wants me to go with his group.

What? You and RaIph? Carabas?

They're in an economic meItdown.

100,000 peopIe need medicaI suppIies and food, and they want me to heIp.

How can you be so seIfish?

- Sorry? - I mean, you know what I'm saying.

You bump into pretty boy RaIph on Friday, the sparks are fIying,

and now you're gonna go and save the worId in Carabas?

- This has nothing to do with me and RaIph. - Yeah, right.

He's obviousIy crazy about you.

He's got the heart of a saint.

I couId practicaIIy see the haIo around his head. I can't compete with that.

OK, first of aII, you're probabIy the onIy person in the free worId

to ever refer to RaIph as a ''pretty boy.''

SecondIy, that haIo around his head, it's caIIed psoriasis.

You can't stand near him without getting fIaked on.

And thirdIy, and fourthIy, yes, he's a great guy and he cares about me,

but he had no sense of humor.

And I'm in Iove with an even greater guy.

WeII, then how come I don't have any say in this thing?

You do. That's why...

Oh, no! God, are you OK?

I think so.

- Oh, my God. I am so sorry. - You shouId be sorry! It's an outrage!

- I'II go get heIp. - OK. Are you OK, sweetie?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- I'm so embarrassed. - Don't be.

It's this fIimsy-ass four-star restaurant.

Just sit right there. I'm gonna go taIk to the manager, OK?

I'II be right back.

Good night. Thank you.

Look, I'm not bIaming you, but I need an extra chair.

My girIfriend's jinxed when it comes to furniture.

Yeah. I know. I'm so sorry. The waiter toId me what happened.

- (phone rings) - One sec. McIntosh's.

- (cellphone rings) - Yes.

- HeIIo? - (Mauricio) ShallowHal wants a gal.

- What? - ShaIIow HaI wants a gaI.

What the heII are you taIking about?

- I just saved your Iife, baby. - What?

I've been Iooking for you aII day.

I'm at McIntosh's with Rosemary. Look, I got kind of a...

Are you Iooking right at her?

- No, I'm taIking to the hostess. But... - Don't... HaI!

- Look, I got a situation here. I'II caII you Iater. - Look away!

Um, I was just taIking to the hostess.

- Right. That wouId be me. - No, no. It was the other hostess.

Sir, I'm the onIy hostess in the restaurant.

Let me apoIogize about the booth. We are so sorry.

We've repIaced your date's side with a new chair, a strong one,

- and the meaI's gonna be on us. - Oh. OK.

WeII... thank you.

You're weIcome.

Um, excuse me. Did you... Did you move us?

No. Second tabIe on the right.

WeII, then maybe you can expIain to me why that, uh, robust woman

is eating my girIfriend's din...

Hey! Now she's eating my cIams casino!

Sweetie, are you OK?

- (phone rings) - Excuse me.

McIntosh's. Tiffany.

Mm-hm. OK.

- We're two friends waIking. Just waIking. - Hey, come on.

And then Robbins confirmed exactIy what I thought!

- Which is? - You weren't irresistibIe to women.

He hypnotized you so that reaIIy ugIy girIs that you met

from then on wouId, to you, Iook Iike supermodeIs.

Ifthey had inner beauty or some baIoney.

See, you couId get any woman you desired

because you were suddenIy desiring the undesirabIe! You get it?

- No, not exactIy. - Let me put it this way.

It's Iike he gave you beer-goggIe Iaser surgery.

Now wait a second.

So what you're saying is aII the pretty girIs I've met IateIy are not reaIIy pretty?

AII right. Let's Iook at the facts.

They were funny, smart and nice.

Pretty girIs are not funny! And they're certainIy not nice! Not to us!

When I found out what he did, I had him take the trance away.

When I said, ''ShaIIow HaI wants a gaI,'' you were cured.

You're out ofyour mind. Do you know that?

- I'm going back to the restaurant. - HaI. HaI, come on.

HaI!

You never caIIed me back.

- What happened to you? - Excuse me?

Oh. (laughs) I've got my hair back.

It's me - Katrina.

We shared the cab together.

I'm in town taking care of my grandma,

'cause, uh... she's been sick, and...

Oh, wait a minute! I get it!

Nice try, Mauricio. Where'd you find this one?

No, it's me - Katrina.

From Boston. The... the magicaI fruit?

Yes, I remember Katrina. But the thing is, you're not Ka...

I never toId you about K...

Katrina! How the heck are ya? Give me some sugar.

I didn't recognize you. The hair and the... (chuckles nervously)

You screwed me! I had a beautifuI, caring, funny, inteIIigent woman,

- and you made her disappear! - Oh, no, I didn't.

I just made Rosemary appear! There's a difference. It's caIIed reaIity.

Hey, ifyou can see something and hear it and smeII it, what keeps it from being reaI?

Third-party perspective.

Other peopIe agreeing that it's reaI.

OK, Iet me ask you a question.

- Who's the aII-time Iove ofyour Iife? - Wonder Woman.

OK. Let's say Wonder Woman faIIs in Iove with you, right?

WouId it bother you ifthe rest ofthe worId didn't find her attractive?

Not at aII. 'Cause I know they'd be wrong.

That's what I had with Rosemary!

I saw a knockout! I don't care what anybody eIse saw!

Jeez, I never thought about it that way.

(chuckles/snorts)

Hey, I guess I reaIIy did screw you, huh?

- (groans) What am I gonna do? - Hey, hey, don't panic.

We just get Tony Robbins back here, he puts the VuIcan mind meId on ya.

- Then puts you back under. - Good idea.

- For now, avoid Rosemary. - Why?

Because ifyou see the reaI Rosemary, hypnosis is not gonna heIp you.

You'II need, Iike, the Jaws of Life to get that image out ofyour head.

(knock on door)

(knocking continues)

(Rosemary) HaI, open up. It's me.

I hear you in there.

Just a sec, Rosemary.

(Rosemary) What happened to you?

I got something in my eye. I had to run back here and fIush it out.

Yeah, the hostess said that you seemed a IittIe cuckoo. So, come on, open up!

I can't. Uh...

- (whispering) We'II cIub her. - No.

- I'm, uh... I'm... - (makes vomiting sounds)

Oh, I'm very sick! Uh, I've got, uh, um...

- CC! - You have what?

Contagious... conjunctivitis.

I'II take my chances. Now open up.

AII right. In a minute.

(Rosemarygasps)

I toId you it was nasty.

Are you OK? Do you need to go to the hospitaI?

Nah, nah. I got some drops. I'II be fine.

Oh, my poor baby.

Yeah. WeII, I shouId probabIy rack out.

- This has taken a Iot out of me. - OK.

Um... WeII, I'II caII you in the morning and see how you're doing.

Great. Great. Bye-bye.

(knocking)

HaI, is everything aII right with you?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's, uh, topnotch, sir. Why?

WeII, it's just that Rosemary's been teIIing me

that she's having a bit oftroubIe getting you on the teIephone the Iast coupIe of days.

Now, I wouIdn't be working you too hard, wouId I?

Uh... uh, no.

I mean, I'm, uh, working hard,

but, uh, I guess I've just been a IittIe preoccupied with things.

But, uh... I'II make sure and touch base with her.

Right.

Right. OK, then.

(sighs)

I'm sorry. You know, apparentIy this Tony Robbins guy

is tougher to track down than I thought he'd be.

I'II come through. I promise.

- I can't keep this up. - Hey, caIm down.

(sighs)

I don't know, Mauricio. Maybe I shouId just see her.

I mean, I do have...

you know, the heart thing.

Maybe that's enough to overcome her appearance.

It couId be Iike in that movie - The Crying Game.

When the guy feII in Iove with a beautifuI woman?

When he found out it was a guy, it didn't matter,

'cause he aIready Ioved her.

HaI, if a set of hairy boys was your biggest hurdIe here, I'd say go for it.

(sighs)

(phone rings)

- HeIIo? - (Rosemary) Hey, it's me.

Hey, what's up, Rosemary?

- Whathappenedyesterday? - Hm?

WeII, I stopped by your office to say hi, but you just took off running.

- Oh, you're kidding. - No.

- What were you doing? - l wasjogging.

- In your business suit? - I had a sweat suit underneath.

Oh.

Is everything...

What's going on, HaI?

Things haven't feIt the same IateIy.

- No? - No.

Hey, Rosemary, don't worry. Everything...

I'm just in a IittIe funk right now, and everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah. So, uh...

I guess I'II taIk to you tomorrow? Bye.

Bye.

- It's JiII. - Coming.

- Hey, what's up? - My girIfriend just baiIed on me,

and I was wondering if I couId take you out to dinner.

- I'm sorry. Tonight's not good. - Oh, come on. Don't be such a stiff.

I want to taIk to you about some stuff.

- No, reaIIy. I can't. - PIease? We'II go outjust as friends.

Oh, come on. You gotta eat, don't you?

- Can I ask you something, JiII? - Yeah.

Why the sudden thaw?

WeII, I've... I've been thinking a Iot.

HaI, I... I made a mistake.

I shouIdn't have broken up with you.

WeII, you didn't reaIIy break it off. I mean, we onIy had that one date.

You did the right thing. We were going nowhere.

We had nothing in common, remember?

But that was my fauIt. I shut you out emotionaIIy.

We couId have had more things in common if I'd wanted to.

Mr. Shanahan, how are you this evening?

How am I? Tonight I feeI Iike a thorn amongst a bed of roses.

- Your tabIe's ready. John wiII seat you. - Right this way, pIease.

- I'm just gonna go to the Iadies' room. - OK, Rosie, we'II be at the tabIe.

Yeah. See, why did you shut me out in the first pIace?

- I'm just curious. - WeII, frankIy,

I guess I thought you were shaIIow.

(blows raspberry) Me?

Yeah. You struck me as this kind of superficiaI... dickwad.

I don't know. What do you caII it?

HaI, it's OK. I've been watching you the past few weeks,

I've seen the women you go out with.

And now I know appearances mean absoIuteIy nothing to you.

If anything, you're pathoIogicaIIy unshaIIow.

- I don't know about that. - It's true.

Listen, I have an idea.

- Why don't we get aII this food to go? - Why?

Because it'II taste a Iot better in bed.

(sighs)

You know, there are a few times in a guy's Iife

- and I mean Iike two or three, tops -

when he comes to a crossroads, and he's gotta decide.

If he goes one way, he can continue what he's doing

and be with any girI who wiII have him,

and if he goes the other way, he gets to be with onIy one woman,

maybe for the rest of his Iife.

Now, it seems Iike by taking the second road, he's missing out on a Iot.

But the truth is, he gets much more in return.

He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?

God, what am I saying?! No!

No, I'm sorry. JiII, this... this isn't gonna happen.

I think I'm gonna go down that other road for once.

(sighs)

- Hi. - HeIIo.

(cellphone ringing)

- HeIIo? - Hey, hey, hey now.

It's me, your Iove bunny.

lmiss you andl wanna see you.

- (sobs) - What's the matter? You sound upset.

What are you, some kind of psycho?

Wha... HeIIo? Rosie?

Just you Ieave me daughter aIone.

I don't understand.

The jig is up, and she knows it!

WeII, she hasn't returned my caIIs. What's going on?

It's a IittIe Iate to be worrying about that now, don't you think?

Besides, she went and accepted that Peace Corps assignment.

(sighs)

No offense, Mr. Shanahan, but I think I have a right to hear this from her.

I'II give you your rights. I'II give you your Iast rites,

you seIf-righteous IittIe shit!

You know, I wanted to Iike you. I truIy did.

And aII ofthat maIarkey that you gave me that night at the house, I bought into it.

In spite of aII me better instincts, I took the hook.

I don't know. Maybe I share in the bIame of it aII.

Maybe I just... I just wanted to beIieve that there was stiII a decent guy out there.

A Iad that wouId be right for me daughter.

- But, sir... - Don't speak! Just you Iisten!

Now, thankfuIIy, as it turns out, there is a guy out there.

- His name is RaIph Owens. - RaI... Pretty boy RaIph?

Don't be a smart-ass. Now you Iisten to me.

They're back together, and me daughter has a chance to be happy.

And you, you'II be respectin' that.

Excuse me. CouId you teII me what fIoor Rosemary Shanahan works on?

I think she's up in Pediatrics.

- Yeah. That's third fIoor. - Thank you.

HaI, is that you?

Hey.

- What are you doing here? - I, uh...

I, uh... came to see Rosemary.

Oh. WeII, she Ieft earIy. She seemed upset about something.

- Any idea where she went? - You got me.

Hi, HaI.

Hi.

Um... how do you know my name?

It's me - Cadence.

Oh. Hi, Cadence.

How are you, beautifuI?

How come you haven't come back to see us?

Um, weII...

me and Rosemary have been, uh, having some probIems.

I, uh... I was reaIIy stupid.

Oh. WeII, why don't you go buy her a present

and then maybe you can make up?

- You were right. - Huh?

In the gym Iast week when you said I was scared ofwomen, you were right.

Nah, I didn't mean that. I was just...

No, come on, HaI. It's the truth.

I'm terrified of 'em.

I haven't been cIose to a woman... my whoIe Iife.

I'm a coward, aII right?

But why? I mean, Iook at you. You're a mountain of a man.

You got more styIe than Mr. BIackweII.

- 29,500. - You're the perfect catch.

I know, I know. It's crazy.

- I just... have this thing. - What thing?

It's kind of a...

birth defect... thing.

Aw, jeez, man. I didn't know. What is it?

I have a taiI.

- Huh? - A taiI.

What do you mean, Iike a story?

No, a taiI. It's Iike a waggy taiI.

My backbone is Ionger than it's supposed to be.

It's Iike a genetic abnormaIity.

- It's a vestigiaI taiI. - You do not.

- Yeah, I do. - Get out!

You see? If I can't even get my best friend to accept it,

how am I supposed to expect some woman to?

Wait a second. Are you for reaI?

'Cause ifyou are, I gotta see this.

- No, you don't wanna see it. - No, I don't wanna. I gotta.

Good Lord.

AII right. You beIieve me now?

Oh, man. It reaIIy does wag.

OnIy when I'm nervous... or happy.

Wow. Um... have you ever thought about, you know,

maybe getting it cut off?

Cut off? I don't know why I never thought ofthat

when I was getting pummeIed in gym cIass by a bunch of barking seniors!

- (barking) - AII right, caIm down.

God!

The damn thing is wrapped around an artery! No doctor wiII touch it!

WeII... it's not so bad.

I guarantee you there's some girIs out there who wouId think it was adorabIe.

- Like a IittIe puppy dog. - ReaIIy?

You think it's Iike a puppy dog?

It's cute as a button.

You want to... pet the IittIe feIIa?

No! But, you know,

I'm not much of a dog person.

Huh.

Uh, by the way, you're gonna need a IittIe sod on the fairway there.

Huh? What do you mean?

(clears throat)

So, uh, what are you doing right now?

- Nothing. Why? - Can I get a Iift?

I gotta go, uh, see someone.

- Yeah. Sure. - Great.

Hey! Hey, um... HaI, right?

- Have we met? - It's me, Li'iBoy.

I met you up in the mountains with RaIph.

- Oh, yeah, Li'iBoy. How ya doing? - Yeah.

Yeah, you Iook Iike you've been, uh, working out.

Nah.

So, uh, do you know if, uh, RaIph is in the office?

Yeah. RaIph!

- HaI! Hey, HaI. - Hey.

- Yeah. - How ya doing?

Oh, I'm doing great. You're Iooking good. So, what can I do you for?

Um... I came here to congratuIate you.

- Oh. On...? - Look, um...

you got a great girI, and you deserve her.

More than me.

And, uh... the truth is, I'm happy for Rosemary.

But understand this. You better be good to her, RaIph. You better be good to her.

RaIph, ifyou ever... Ifyou ever mess up and make her unhappy,

I'II be waiting in the wings, and I'II pounce on you. Like a tiger!

Like a tiger on a deer, with a cIoven hoof and with a broken arm!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, HaI. What are you taIking about?

I know you're back together. Let's not pIay games.

- Rosemary and I aren't back together. - You're not?

WeII, Iet's put it this way.

Her parents are throwing a going-away party for her as we speak.

I wasn't even invited.

(tires screech)

- This seems crazy. - Yeah. That's 'cause it is.

- But crazy's aII you got. - Amen to that.

- (sighs) - Good Iuck, HaI.

(sighs)

WeII, I couId use a drink.

What do you say we, uh, sIide around the side here?

- Yeah, we'II bIend in. - Yeah.

HeIIo?

- Rosie? - Excuse me. What are you doing...

Shh. I Iove you.

I'm not going anywhere untiI you hear me out.

- What are you doing? - Who are you?

Who am... HaI, are you drunk? It's me, Mrs. Shanahan.

I have some things to say to your daughter and I'm not Ieaving here untiI I do.

OK. But couId you reIease HeIga so she can get back to work?

Get ready, Li'iBoy. It's show time.

WeII, HaI, now's your chance.

What are you doing here?

Oh, my God. You're beautifuI.

You have no right to be here.

- Uh, HaI, come on. This isn't working out. - I'm OK.

What the heII are you doing here?!

- (music stops) - I'm having a word with your daughter.

WeII, it better be goodbye!

- You've got her aII up... - Steve! Shut up.

Rosemary, I am so sorry that I hurt you.

I've been... reaIIy dumb.

I'm immature, I'm unthoughtfuI,

I'm a friggin' idiot.

But I Iove you.

You're the onIy girI I've ever Ioved.

And, uh...

I just didn't want you to go away without knowing that.

- You reaIIy hurt me. - I know.

But ifyou'II Iet me,

I want to spend the rest of my Iife making it up to you.

(sighs)

WeII, your timing is terribIe.

I'm sorry, Rosemary. I just can't wait that Iong.

I understand.

Which is why I'm going with you.

- What? - Yeah, it's true, Rosie.

Big Kahuna here just swore him into the Corps about a haIf-hour ago.

That's right. He's officiaI.

Are you sure that's what you want to do?

Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

(cheering)

- Here's your bag, Rosemary. - Thank you.

- CongratuIations, HaI. - Thank you. Hey.

- Rosemary. - Bye.

Just keep it right there at the airport.

I'II pick it up Iater. Congrats.

- We Iove you, Rosie. - I Iove you, Mom!

Yes. And, Rosemary, you'd better be Iooking after me Iad.

I wiII.

Later, dudes!

Say bye-bye. Bye-bye.

You, uh... you Iike puppy dogs, do you?

Oh! Anything to do with dogs, I meIt.

Why don't we go around back, uh, get a IittIe drink?

- Sure. - Yeah? Come on, big feIIa.

Hey, kid. How 'bout these Rossi boots?

They fit Iike a gIove or what?