Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

[Man on TV] I knew someday you'd come back to us, Johnny boy.

[Johnny] This is where I belong.

Here with you, Father.

Welcome home, son.

Wilbur.

[sniffles]

Wilbur, turn off the TV.

Why, Ed, you old softy.

That play really got to you, huh?

It wasn't the play. [sniffles]

It was the commercial.

Oh, the commercial, yeah.

I know how you feel.

I felt like bawling when that girl broke

her engagement to the man with the dry hair.

Mm.

Ed.

Look, never be ashamed of showing your emotions.

Well--

That was a very touching play.

It made me realize how empty my life is.

Oh, don't say that.

Look, you've got a lovely home,

plenty to eat, friends, Carol and me.

But no boy.

No boy to call me Daddy.

Ed, stop complaining.

One of these days you're going to meet the right filly,

and you'll get married.

And then soon you'll be hearing the pitter-patter

of four little feet around the house.

Uh, not me, Wilbur.

I'm a confirmed bachelor.

Anyway, with my luck, I'd have all girls.

Ed, forget it.

That play just put you in a paternal mood.

Last week you saw Wings,

and you wanted to join the Air Force.

Honey, Kay and I are going to The Country Market for lunch. Anything I can get you?

Yeah, would you bring back a pound of lump sugar for Ed?

- All right. - Oh.

Roger wants you to return his pruning shears.

He's gardening today.

Yeah, I'll take them right over.

The sugar's going to taste a lot better than the hay, huh?

It would taste even better if I had a son to enjoy it with.

Addison, doll,

I'm going out with Carol,

and I'll need some money for lunch.

Why, certainly, my dear. Here, hold this.

Well, certainly.

My, you have such a lovely crop of apples.

I'm so proud of you, Addison.

You'll be prouder still when those apples

win first prize at the county fair.

Oh, I know I will.

There you are, my dear.

A dollar for lunch?

Well, I thought you might want to treat Carol.

Uh, just a minute, doll.

Hold this.

It's, uh, mother's turn.

There you are.

Thank you, doll.

Roger, just returning your shears.

I won't need them now. I've already been clipped.

See you later, Wilbur. I'm taking Carol to lunch.

Bye, doll.

There she goes, the kissing bandit.

Hey, those are beautiful apples.

Wilbur, be careful. You'll bruise them.

I'm entering these in the county fair.

[chuckles]

I'm sorry, Rog.

If I ruined the finish, I'll be happy to pay for a polish job.

Well, this is no laughing matter, you know.

One little smudge could cost me first place.

Those judges are very finicky.

Well, let me give you a hand.

You wash, and I'll dry.

[phone rings]

My telephone. Ooh.

Wilbur, be careful of those apples.

Apples--

Hello?

[Mister Ed] Hi, Wilbur.

Ed, for Pete's sake.

I nearly broke my neck getting to the phone.

You'd better hurry in here.

It's very important.

That ought to make him comfortable.

I got to dust off his desk.

Ed, what is it? What's wrong?

Sit down, Wilbur. Put your feet up.

You said you had something important to tell me.

I have. Remember how I felt about not having a son?

[sighs]

Ed, I told you there's nothing you can do about it.

Ever hear of adoption?

Now I've heard everything.

Whoever heard of a horse adopting a horse?

This is America where anything can happen.

What do you say, Wilbur?

You want the truth?

Sure.

I think you're being ridiculous.

Ridiculous to want a son, somebody to carry on my name,

someone to call me Daddy?

If it means so much to you, I'll call you Daddy, Daddy.

Don't joke, Wilbur.

How do you think I feel

not even getting a card on Father's Day?

For heaven's sake.

Is there such a place as a horse orphanage?

No.

And I never heard of a baby pony being left on a doorstep.

Ed, will you please forget the whole idea?

Blessings on thee, little feller.

Barefoot cold with cheeks of yeller.

With your bushy, turned-up tail,

Eating oats from Daddy's pail.

Ed, will you stop trying to wear me down?

You know as well as I do Carol will not stand for us

having another horse around here.

You know what happened the last time we tried.

Ooh, well, talk to her again. She might understand this time.

Why don't you talk to her?

That's a silly question. You know I only talk to you.

It's no use, Ed. Believe me.

Please, Wilbur. I'm getting older.

Well, this morning I found a gray hair in my tail.

Hi-ho silver.

Hi-ho silver.

With your bushy, turned-up tail,

Eating oats from Daddy's pail.

[chuckles]

That crazy horse.

Look what I bought this afternoon.

Do you like it?

Wow.

Very nice.

I bought it especially for you.

Well, that's kind of you, dear.

Looks a lot better on you, though.

[both laugh]

Aw, it's beautiful.

So are you.

I thought I'd wear it tonight,

since it's sort of a special occasion.

Yeah.

Do you remember what happened three years ago tonight?

Oh, of course.

How could I forget?

Oh, it was exactly three years ago tonight that I--

that I, um-- that I forgot.

Could you give me a little hint?

It's the anniversary of our first date.

Oh, it is?

Don't you remember?

We went to a drive-in and had hamburgers.

Right.

One thing I do remember is taking you home

and you saying that you never kiss a fellow on a first date.

And then I said in your case I'd make an exception.

Yeah.

Then your father yelled down, "No, you won't."

[phone rings]

Hello?

Wilbur, are you doing anything now?

Yeah.

I'm-- I'm sitting with my wife.

Oh, uh, but nothing important?

What do you want?

I just remembered a little feller

I saw at the stable last week.

He'd make a great son for me.

No, I can't join your poker party...

Phil-- Phil.

Uh, some other time.

This is the only hand I want to hold tonight.

Oh, darling, how sweet.

[phone rings]

Hello?

He looks just like me.

I can't play poker tonight, Phil.

That ought to bring him out here.

Now, where were we?

Honey, I think I better get out to the barn.

The barn? What for?

Well, it's-- it's kind of cold. I better turn on the heat.

But it's almost like summer out tonight.

You're right. I better turn on the fan.

Ed, I warned you to stop annoying me.

How can you deny me a son?

How can you?

Ed, I told you what you're asking is impossible.

Carol wouldn't stand for another horse around here.

Then do me a favor, Wilbur.

Just take a look at the little guy I have in mind.

Absolutely not.

I'll make you a deal, Wilbur.

If you still say no after you see him,

I'll forget it.

Is that a promise?

I'll even put it in writing.

Okay, Ed.

I'll take you down to see him tomorrow.

But remember your promise.

Once I say no, it is no.

Let's shake on it.

Now if you'll excuse me,

there is a beautiful young lady waiting to see me inside.

Carol.

I got tired of waiting, so I'm going to bed.

Now you see why I'm a bachelor.

[laughs]

There he is, Wilbur.

That's my son.

Okay, I said I'd take a look, and I've looked. Let's go.

Wait, Wilbur. Let's find out what he costs.

Oh, okay, Ed.

Remember, we are not buying.

This little pony is not for sale, is he?

Well, that depends. You want to buy him?

No, no, just-- just curious.

How much would he be if he were for sale?

Snuffy?

Oh, I might let him go for a hundred and a quarter.

I'll take him.

Okay, mister, you just bought yourself a pony.

Who? Me?

Well, you just said you'd take him.

But I didn't.

Are you calling me a liar?

Well, no, I--

Got a pen I could borrow?

I'll get you one. Here, hold the pony.

All right.

Ed, that was a low-down dirty trick.

I did it for my son, Wilbur.

Blood is thicker than water.

He is not your son.

Please, I'd like to break it to him

when he's a little older.

Eat, son. Eat so you'll grow big and strong like Daddy.

Well, Ed, Carol's going to be home pretty soon.

I just wonder how I'm going to explain this to her.

Look at him eat.

Probably his first home-cooked meal.

Well, Ed, you got your wish.

Yeah.

You're a father.

I just wonder how much longer I'm going to be a husband.

Now I feel my life is complete.

[door closes]

That must be Carol.

Come on, son. Let's take a little snooze.

Bye-di-bye.

Wilbur, just look at that plump, red beauty.

Isn't it gorgeous?

Yeah, gorgeous, gorgeous.

Ah, this is the pick of the crop.

Perfect in every way.

I'm thinking of having a color photo made of it.

Good, would you give me one for my wallet?

Uh, I think I--

Peasant.

You'll have more respect for my apples

when they win first prize at the fair.

Roger, don't get me wrong. I think it's great. Honestly.

It's just that I wouldn't get your hopes up too high.

I mean, after all, you'll be up against

some of the finest apples in the state.

Ha. Applesauce compared to mine.

Here, let me show you a picture of last year's winner.

Look at that poor coloring.

And that shape,

it's like a dried-up prune compared to the Addison apple.

Well, Roger, it looks pretty good to me.

Well, that's because you're not an apple man,

but believe me, when the judges get one of these beauties--

My apple!

What's that?

Oh, sorry, Roger. He didn't know what he was doing.

He's just a little baby, aren't you?

There.

Ed's kid.

Ed's kid?

Oh, years ago, Ed married this little filly who was a bit player.

Then overnight she became a Hollywood star.

The studio felt that a child might hurt her career,

so they-- they tried to keep it a secret.

Shipped the poor kid off to a private school in Switzerland.

And now the divorce is final, and Ed has custody of the boy.

That's very touching.

That little beast ate one of my prize apples.

Well, I'm awful sor-- Come on, boy.

Vite. There-- There we go.

There we go. That's a boy.

Ed was taking a nap,

and I guess Snuffy just kind of sneaked out.

One horse around here was bad enough,

but this place is beginning to look like the O.K. Corral.

How could Carol let you buy another plug?

She doesn't know about it yet.

Oh?

I have the feeling

there'll be three of you sleeping in the barn tonight.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

That's where you're wrong, Roger.

I mean, if I want to buy another horse, I buy another horse.

I am the boss in my house.

[Carol] Wilbur?

Oh, hi, Rog.

Hello, Carol.

Goodbye, boss.

Well, honey, what did you do today?

Well, I did the dishes and vacuumed the carpet

and washed the windows--

Wonderful. I'm glad you had fun.

Then I went to the market.

And on the way back, I saw the cutest little dress

I'd just love to buy.

Great, you go on out and buy it, dear.

Oh, darling, thank you.

Wilbur?

What pony?

Wilbur, who does this cute little pony belong to?

Uh, you think he's cute, huh?

Oh, he's adorable.

[chuckles]

Then he belongs to you.

It's a gift to celebrate our first date three years ago.

Oh, honey, he's awfully cute,

but-- but what would I do with a pony?

Well, he's-- he's a pet.

I mean, it's like a big dog,

only at night when you walk him, you can ride him.

Uh, Snuffy, come back here.

re now. Come on, come o. Here now. Here, here. He

Hold it, boy. Come on.

Don't be afraid.

There. Now do you believe me?

Oh, what a cute little horsie.

You kids go right on with your fight. Don't let us interrupt.

What fight? Carol loves her anniversary gift.

Anniversary gift?

It was three years ago yesterday that Wilbur and I met.

Where did you meet? In the stable?

Oh, you little sweetie pie.

Aw, Addison, on our anniversary,

why don't you get me a pet like this?

I'd love to, my dear, but I've already ordered a gorilla.

Uh, how does Mister Ed like him, Wilbur?

Is he jealous?

Oh, no. He wants to adopt the little fella.

Like, I'm thinking of getting him father and son saddles.

Admit it, Roger. He is pretty cute now, isn't he?

You know how I feel about horses, Carol.

They're completely irresponsible.

This little nanny goat ate one of my prize apples.

Oh, Roger, he's just a baby.

I'm sure he didn't mean any harm.

Of course not.

And stop making such a fuss over--

My bag.

What happened to my bag?

[ding ding]

[crash]

- Addison, wake up. - Hm?

I heard a noise downstairs.

Noise? What kind of noise?

I don't know. I think it's a prowler.

You better go down and take a look.

Why don't we just go back to sleep?

Addison, I heard a noise.

My dear, it's only your imagination.

[crash]

There goes my imagination again.

Addison, are you going down, or must I go?

My-- Let's be reasonable.

If I go downstairs and don't find anybody, I'll feel foolish.

And if I do find somebody, I'll drop dead,

so let's go back to sleep.

Addison, when we were married, you promised to protect me.

In sickness and in health.

I didn't say a word about prowlers.

[crash]

Someone's in the backyard.

My apples.

Somebody's after my apples.

Wait.

Wait for me.

What happened?

My apples.

My beautiful apples.

My beautiful apples, they're ruined, every one.

There all gone.

Why my--

Addison.

What happened? Who was it? I--

It was that blasted pony. That's what it was.

I got a glimpse of him. He's running away.

Kay, look-- look what that four-legged cannibal

did to my beautiful apples.

Oh, Addison, please calm down.

I am calm.

Wilbur will pay for this.

Mark my words, Kay. These apples will be avenged.

Roger Addison is furious.

Snuffy ate up every one of his prize apples.

Oh, well, boys will be boys.

Ed, this is very serious.

Snuffy did a terrible thing.

I know. That's why he needs a father.

That pony is nothing but trouble.

There's no such thing as a bad pony.

What kid hasn't stolen a few apples?

I never heard of any that ate up a whole treeful.

Look, I'll punish my kid.

Tonight he goes to bed without any supper.

He doesn't need any supper.

He can run on apple juice for the next three weeks.

Wilbur, I beg you as a father,

tell old vinegar puss it will never happen again.

Ed, look. I'm trying to find the words to tell you

that Snuffy has got to go back.

So, you-- you want me to give up my baby?

Sorry, Ed.

Well, if my little boy goes, I go.

You don't know what you're saying.

Let's talk about it.

Excuse me, Wilbur. I got to pack.

Hi, Mr. Post.

Oh, hello, Mr. Ogilvie.

Glad you could come over.

I hope I haven't put you to too much trouble.

Oh, that's all right. I'm glad you called.

You know, to tell you the truth, now that school's out,

business is picking up, and I could use old Snuffy.

Good. I'm glad.

You know, it's hard to find

an old saddle fellow like this that's used to kids.

Snuffy, old?

Oh, he can't be more than 2 or 3 at the most.

Are you kidding?

Snuffy was 23 years old last month.

Hm?

23?

But how is that possible?

Well, Shetland ponies look young because they're so small.

Snuffy here, he's got many, many grandchildren.

Many, many grandchildren?

Yeah.

Well, come on, Snuffy. Let's get to work.

So long, Mr. Post.

Goodbye.

Oh.

Here's your check.

Oh, thank you. Bye.

So long.

Well, Ed, you heard what the man said.

Yeah.

Imagine, Snuffy is 23 years old.

And that old phony had me sing him to sleep last night.

Ed? Ed?

I wonder where he is.

Uh-oh.

Ed, it is 2:00 in the morning.

Where have you been? I was worried about you.

[yawns]

I'm sorry, Wilbur. I know I should've called.

Where were you?

Well, I picked up Snuffy at the stable,

and we went out on the town.

Ah, that old goat knows all the night spots.

No kidding.

[Mister Ed laughs]

We had a ball.

Had a ball.

Yeah.

Uh?

What's that I smell?

Uh, want me to take a balloon test?

I thought so.

Ed, don't you ever come home again

with apples on your breath.

All right.

You're always picking on--

[hiccup]

...on me.

[hiccup]

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.