All language subtitles for S05E1

I've got a pen pal. I was at school
with. I did ask her out once,
60 years ago.

I thought the sun shone out of her.

Alan? Celia.

Some braindead, lowlife trailer
trash stole my parking space.

And you've met my daughter...
Sorry?

We've got some news for you.
We're getting married!

Alan Buttershaw, he was brought
in with a heart attack.

What have you done to him?
He didn't used to be like this.

Judith's a bit of an alcoholic.
Hello. Er, mind where... Oh!

I don't recognise you any more.

Chucking your money away
on flash cars!

You've got no idea of the
consequences!

She reads Daily Mail,
Celia, did I tell you?

You can keep your Guardian.

Is there an argument for you and me
getting back together?

I like sleeping with other women.
I always did.

You're going to tell me next
you voted for Margaret Thatcher.

Well, you can't have liked
Michael Foot.

When you love someone,
isn't it, like, warts and all?

Come hell or high water?

Here we are.

Omega-3, a dazzling salad
and no carbs.

I thought you were setting the table.

What? I have.

What are you busy with?

Filling in this form.

Are we opening a bottle of Prosecco?

Well, it is a Tuesday.

What form are you filling in?

It's, er...

Earth to Alan?

I'm applying for a job.

Well, I'm not. I'm...
I'm just buggering about.

A job? Doing what?

Chairman of the United Nations.

Oh, well, you'll be good at that,

with all your namby-pamby,
left-wing claptrap.

What is it?

Something to do with Harry?

Why would it be to do with Harry?

Well, you know what you're like
with Harry.

He says, "Jump," and you say,
"How high?"

How would you describe
my personality? In three words.

MESSAGE ALERT
Oh, hello.

It's our Ted.
Why do they need to know

about your personality?

Alan?

Alan!

How about deaf? That's one.

Away with the fairies.
That's another.

Course, that's four words,
but it'll fill a space. Put that.

He's coming over.

Eh? Ted. He's getting a flight.

And he's landing at Heathrow,
Saturday morning

at 20 past 11.

He's never.

What, this Saturday?

He wants to know
if he can stop with us.

Course you can, lad.

"It's all a bit last minute,
but I'll explain when I see you."

Well, I wonder what that means.

What, stay here? With us?

Well, that guest bedroom
will need sorting out.

How's he getting from Heathrow?
Do you think he's poorly?

Well, either that or he's fallen out
with that Nadine again.

We're going to have to get that guest
bedroom kitted out properly, see,
Alan.

There's a bed in it.

He won't care.
Yeah, well, I care.

He's got a connecting flight
to Doncaster Sheffield Airport,

and can we pick him up
at 14.45, Saturday?

Well, we're not doing owt, are we?

Well, we'd better not have a drink,

we'd better get into Halifax
and get some new curtains.

A supermarket?

Mm. Same place our Ellie works at.

The new one down Sowerby Bridge.

But doing what?

Trading assistant.

Checkout.

What the hell for?

Well, I like to keep myself busy.

Well, so do I, but in a supermarket?

Hey, eyes on the road.

So this was today?
Well, I told him.

I said, "How are you gonna get
there?

"You're gonna have to get yourself
a little car, a little run-round,

"cos you're not taking the Lexus
every day, cos I might need it."

I thought you said it was only
part-time.

It's only four hours,
four days a week.

Oh, so it wouldn't be every day?

No, but it'd be inconvenient,
when the hell it was.

D'you know what he says?
Wait for it.

Well, I'll get a bus.

You on a bus?

That's £279.98, please.

I know. Him on a bus.

I laughed. Oh, there is a bus.

There's one that comes down past
here and goes straight there.

He's 82.

He'd only be sitting on it, chicken,
he wouldn't be driving it.

Yes, but he'd be standing out there
waiting for the damned thing.

Getting wet through.

Or dehydrated,
now we've got global warming.

Some people like getting on a bus.

Like who?

People.

How come you know so much?

When were you ever on a bus?

I've been on a bus. When?

Where is he, anyway?

When where you ever on a bus?

Last year, last summer.

Barcelona.

Me and Gillian, Flora and Calamity.

We went on a sight-seeing tour.

You could step on and off all day
with the same ticket, it was
wonderful.

A proper bus.

One that smells of engine oil
and nausea

and has all puke running along the
grooves in the floorboards.

No, Mum. That was the 1960s,
buses aren't like that now.

How was Ruby's birthday party?

Pleasant enough, although the food
was a disappointment.

And who won the fancy dress?

Caleb. Came as a banana.

Four fairies. I said it was
a mistake.

Never mind.

Anyway, so I said to him,
"What about your heart condition?"

And he's all...

Well, I can always go
and have a checkup before I start.

Are you winding me up?

No.

Well, it sounds like
he's approaching it sensibly.

Why do you always
take the other side?

You often say this. Every time.

Do you think you've got
a chip on your shoulder?

I'm missing Eggheads. Oh, come on.

If it's something he wants to do
and if it's only a few hours a week.

It's a supermarket checkout,
for goodness' sake.

It's not like he's running
Network Rail.

Oh, well, I wouldn't mind that
so much.

At least that'd be a...

What?

Respectable?

A desk job!

It's his heart I'm thinking of.
What if he ends up pushing trolleys?

What if he gets someone
who's difficult to deal with?

Ooh. Friday night, don't forget
Gillian and I are cooking up at her
house,

seeing as we did it round
at mine last year.

It's in the diary.

I never know what to get you
for your birthday. Either of you.

I don't need anything.

What are you looking so pleased
with yourself for anyway?

You're not...in love again, are you?

I'm off.

TTFN. Bye, Granny.

Let me know what
you want for your birthday.

Where did you say he was?

Oh, he's buggered off
up to Gillian's.

He's taken our Calamity home.
I mean, it became a proper argument.

It wasn't just an amusing anecdote.

I'm upset.

I've got to go. I've got John coming
over for dinner.

John?

Thank you for picking up Tinkerbell.

Oh, I know.

What for?
CHUCKLES

Oh! What?

Ted's coming. Ted?

His brother. From New Zealand.

Oh, I remember Ted at the wedding.

He fancied Kate.

Ted fancied everybody.

Well, she says, "You're not
taking t'Lexus, I might need it."

She didn't.

Well, she did, which is fair enough,
she might need it,

so I said, "Well, then,
I'll get on a bus,"

and she goes, "You? On a bus?"

As if it were a wholly alien
concept.

Aliens? Hmm?

Oh, not them sort of aliens, love.

No, I like a bus ride.

Many a time I used to get on a bus.

Before we bought yond...

Yeah, before you started chucking
your lolly around on rubbish.

Well, I thought she'd be delighted,

not having me underfoot
all day every day.

She goes...

What if people see you?

Well, that's the idea,
working at a checkout.

A non-automated checkout.

It's the only human contact
some people have all day.

The elderly. The lonely.

A cheerful conversation with
a friendly face can mean a lot
to a lonely person.

However brief.

Don't forget you're taking me
to Ruby's party, Granny.

All squash up, ladies,
Grandmama has been spending again.

Don't call me Grandmama.

Make me sound about 90.
You are 90.

CHUCKLES
I'm not 90!

See what you've started now.

Well, how old are you then?

I'm 36. Are you, Granny? Is she?

36?! Oh, are you joining in?

136! Have you heard her?

You don't ask a lady how old she is.

We wasn't. We was asking you.

Oh, very funny.

Wit dripping off her, that one.

I'm 36, and your grandad's...38.

I can't imagine being that old.

It's just a nice age.

They're talking bollocks.
Ignore 'em.

Hey! Excuse me?!

Why, what you done?

How much do you get an hour?

Er, £9.20, if I get anything.

I mean, I've only made
an application

and she's gone all funny with me
over it. Yeah, well,

there you go, eh? Celia.

You're looking pale.

Are you all right?

I've got woodworm.

Y..?
In my upstairs, primarily.

But then when they've looked
properly, it's all over.

We're riddled
with the little pillocks.

D'you want some tea?

5,786 quid.

Worst part's the builder.

Need to replace some timbers in the
roof. I should have sorted it out
sooner.

It's been staring me in the face
for God knows how long,

but, you know, healthy neglect,
blind eye.

They're not the cheapest,
before you ask,

and they...they do guarantee
the work for 25 years.

Well, I should hope so
at that price.

No, I've had three different lots
in, and they all said same thing,

needs doing, needs doing sharpish.

Worst-case scenario, the roof
could give way at the far end.

Well, do you have that
sort of money?

OK. So, you know I borrowed
another 90 grand

to buy them ten acres off Fred
Turner and expand the flock?

And it will pay off. No two ways.
Wise move. Very.

Best flock I've ever had,

and they'll pay dividends
when time comes, but...

..in the interim...

..no, I don't have that sort of
money, so...

It's just... It's this new kitchen
she's having, I'm paying half.

We always go halves on stuff.

And...well, it's not cheap.

It's hand-crafted.

And she's spent another arm
and another leg this aft,

kitting out guest
room for our Ted. Right.

And it won't stop there.
You can bet your bottom dollar

once curtains are up,
she'll decide it needs a new carpet.

No, it's...

Let me see what I can do.

I could ask to borrow more
from the bank.

It's just I'm stretched with the
repayments every month as it is,
and...

Let me see what I can do.
Why does she need a new kitchen?

You've got a perfectly good kitchen.

I mean you've already spent God
knows how much on the damned place.

Mm. Mm.

And why do you need three bedrooms?
What does she do in 'em all?

Well, she's always fancied
a bungalow up there,

and they don't come up for sale
so often, so...

Look, you know all this. Mm.

Suppose one bedroom will be
justifying its existence for five
minutes

if Ted's stopping, it's just...

Well, you know.

You don't need a new kitchen.

I don't need a new kitchen,
certainly.

I wouldn't ask if it wasn't...

SHE SIGHS

Ellie will be finishing work soon,
and with Raff still training,

I can't ask them to contribute
any more than they're doing already.

No. I'll talk to her.

So what did you say was up with Ted?

Well, nothing that we know of.

It's just him coming
at such short notice.

Made me wonder. Mm.

You going my way?

If you're lucky.

Ooh!

Good evening, Mrs Greenwood.

Good evening, Mr Greenwood.

Been waiting long? No.

How were the little tossers today?

Oh, Joe Thompson told me
to eff off again.

Nice.

Sophisticated.

Mm. So he's in isolation again.

That took up most of lesson one,
obviously,

cos he wasn't gonna go
without some stand-up comedy.

And then second period
started quite well.

I even got a nice little equation
scribbled on the whiteboard,

then, half a second later,

we're into four warnings
and two confiscated phones.

Cracking.

I were always getting
me phone confiscated.

Then at dinner... Don't say it
like it's something to be proud of!

Do you want me to go
and stand outside?

Then at break, a load of Year
Elevens from Sedgley's decided to
start a war

with some of our Year Elevens,
so we had police in.

Not before me and Leah got bruised
trying to split 'em all up.

I told you it'd get easier.

I should have gone in for teaching
infants. I could have coped with
them.

Oh, don't lose faith, lad,
I think you're doing very well.

I was, last term, when I had
that placement at Caroline's school,

but, oh, this place!

I mean, I like a challenge,
but bloody hell...

I should take Gary up on that
offer to train to be an accountant.

Yeah, you should.

No, you shouldn't.

Ring Caroline.

She said if you were struggling...

I'm not. I'm not struggling.
I'm just...

Oh, home time,
I spent an hour consoling Leah.

This is this other trainee, this
lass, she were in tears and they
don't support you.

At Caroline's, all the other staff
were really helpful.

I mean, it's one thing
the kids being shitty,

you expect that,
but when the staff are as well...

Yeah, but why are they like that?

Oh, because they had
a shit time training,

so you're gonna have a shit time -

I think they think it's
character building.

Well, 'appen it is.

And you'll not be at that school
forever and I'm very proud of you,

for what it's worth.

Hey, right, I'm gonna have to set
off. Once more into the fray.

You can stop and have your tea
if you want, we're not chucking you
out.

Oh, no, I'll...
I'll only end up in more bother.

You'll get a damned sight
more job satisfaction

training young people
to think for themselves

than number crunching for yond.

You think? I'll be seeing you.

Bye, Grando. Ta-ra.

GILLIAN LAUGHS

No way are they offering him
a job at Waverley's!

No, we would!

We will. They do.

He's 82. We have one old lad,

Bill Robertshaw, and he's 85.

Old fella in the Stevenage branch,
he went on till 95.

Exploitation!

Through choice.
He has a heart condition.

They'll... We'll take a view.

What did he mean,
"once more into the fray"?

Great-gran's been spending again.

Oh, she's not been running rings
around him again, has she?

It happens. Marriage.
It's all downhill.

Not you two. Obviously.
That's... Not you two.

Put your foot in it there, Gran.
You can pipe down, lady.

Big time. Right down to... Zip.

Bye.

DOG BARKS

Oh! Didn't know you had a dog.

Oh, you don't like dogs, do you?
I'd forgotten.

Come on, in.

Can you make it go away?

Settle down, Ruth.

Ruth?!

Yeah, well, it's Flora's idea.

After Ruth ben Reuben
in Judith's Robin Hood thing saga.

Away, away! She's besotted.

Ruth, settle down.

She must like you.

You're looking very well.

Well, it's odd, life -
the places it takes you.

If someone had told me five or six
years ago that I'd be

a single parent to a five-year-old
who isn't biologically mine,

living in an old farmhouse
in West Yorkshire,

head of what was, and still is,
a very difficult school,

well, I don't know
what I'd have thought.

But if they'd told me on
top of all that

that I was the happiest
I'd ever been...

..I don't know,
I'm not sure I'd have believed them.

Are you...seeing anyone?

Tell me about Lawrence. Suppose you
wouldn't tell me if you were.

I've got nothing to hide.
Tell me about Lawrence.

Oh, well...

..he's still weighing up
his options.

Still doing nothing all day.

You know you enable him
to do nothing all day.

You and Judith.

He's... Yes, it's difficult.

Do you still see much
of what's-his-name?

The father, Flora's father.

Oh, Greg. Yes. Greg.

Can never remember his name.
He has her every other weekend.

Well, it doesn't always work out
like that, but he's very good,

and she's very fond of him
and...and so am I.

You were telling me about Lawrence.

Still not signed on,
still not applied for any jobs,

still not going back to college.

You know, it's all well and good you
saying that we enable him...

Well, you do. She enables you too.
She's made so much money

that you can afford to
sit around all day doing nothing,

but she's not doing
either of you any favours.

Let's not fight.

Gillian keeps her dog outside.

So why are you here?

Ah, well...
If not to talk about Lawrence?

It's Judith. She's coming to your
school next week.

Yes, she is.

Yes, she's one of
my inspirational women, ironically.

Anyway, there you go.

Michelle Obama, Baroness Chakrabarti
and now Judith.

I know, but...

..have to hand it to her -
her books are extraordinary.

I really don't begrudge her
a shred of her success.

When I see a child who we all
thought would never become a reader,

pick up a book through choice
and become entirely engrossed.

Yes, she's certainly made an impact.

Yeah, but it's across the board.

The ones who struggle to read love
her, the ones who love reading love
her.

Right the way from Year Seven
up to the Sixth Form.

I mean, I realise she's probably
not the easiest person to live with.

Sorry.

I'm sure she'll be very good
if she's on form.

If she's on form,
she'll be excellent.

It's just...

..if she isn't.

This is why I thought
I ought to talk to you. She's, um...

..lapsed once or twice recently and
there was an event that she had

to pull out of a few weeks ago.

And, well, not to put too
fine a point on it,

the organisers struggled
to avert a bloodbath,

what with all the disappointed fans,

so I just wanted to flag up that you
might want to think of a plan B

in the event of, um...
Really?

It's bewildering, the effect
she has on people.

Kids.

Well, not just kids always.

It's like she's become some
kind of...

..rock star. Oh, good Lord.

The students can't believe
she's coming.

Certainly they'd be
very disappointed if, um...

Oh, dear.

The publisher's appointed a little PA

to try and avert the same thing
happening again, I assume.

I don't think that's
how they sold it to her.

They said they thought she needed
someone to help with the day-to-day,

so she could concentrate
on her writing.

But, yeah.

So she turned up last week

and she's become something of a
permanent fixture about the house.

Odd little woman.

But, yeah, so hopefully, hopefully,
you won't have a problem, but as
I say...

DOG WHINES
..just wanted to flag it up.

How's Celia...and Alan?

Well, they bought a bungalow above
Ripponden eight or nine months ago.

Lawrence must have told you.
It's...it's very nice.

But, um, I don't know.
I mean, seven years on.

I mean, he's so sweet, Alan,
he's so kind,

and I just worry that sometimes...
I mean, she runs rings round him.

And I do sometimes wonder

if just occasionally he might, well,
not rue the day he met her exactly,

but something a bit like that.
No.

No, I don't believe that.
Oh, I don't know.

Did you ever finish that novel
you were writing about all of us?

It wasn't about...

Yes, it was. It was.

No. No, I didn't.

I sometimes think if Romeo and
Juliet hadn't died when they did,

they'd just have fallen out anyway
eventually.

Maybe I should dig it up again.

Probably when the kids became
teenagers and started damaging the
house.

You don't sound very enthusiastic.
Is the muse not with you?

No, I think she cleared off
a while since.

What is the muse? Inspiration?
Where does it come from?

Love.

Being in love.

That thing that makes you feel...

..alive.

Thank you.

Bye. Good night.

TV BLARES IN BACKGROUND

I'm back!

Said I wouldn't be late.
Everything all right?

How was she, the old love?

She's got a dog.
You didn't tell me she had a dog.

She'll be keeping sheep next.

I forgot.

Rustic chic.

You watch, she'll be making her own
cheeses before we know what's going
on.

She should team up with Gillian,

they could enter their cheeses
at the village fête.

What have you been doing
with yourself all day?

Earning loads of money as usual.

No, don't thank me.

Not you. Him.

Angus came round.

Just for a change.

You didn't apply for any jobs, then,
or anything radical?

Oh, don't you just hate that tone?
We are working on something.

Reminds me of my dad.
What does that mean?

He used to do that. That shitty
passive-aggressive thing.

Me and Angus...
He was a prick as well.

..we're working on something,
we have been for a while.

Paid?

Work? Potentially, yeah.

Oh.

Good. Good.
You'll have to tell me about it.

Oh, and don't forget it's your
mother's birthday on Friday.

Lawrence! She's doing a meal over
at Gillian's if you want to go,

if you can be bothered.

I can put that in the family diary
for you, if you'd like.

Your ex-wife's birthday.

Right. Thank you.

It's Caroline, isn't it?

Caroline, yes.

I'm looking to get rid of the
wine rack.

It doesn't help her,
having a partner who drinks.

I know you'll have thought
about that.

Oh, and old Uncle What's-his-name's
coming over from New Zealand.

Alan's brother.

And, oh, my God, Alan has applied
for a job in a supermarket

to get away from Celia.

I must go back to that grown-up
novel I was writing years ago about
your family.

Mm, for sure.

Did you hear what I said?

Morning. Hey.

Thanks. Ta-ra.

Hm.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh. Hello, Martin.

It's Martin.

Who? From Bespoke Valley Kitchens.

I'm gonna have to get off,
I don't want to be late.

Sorry, Martin, I'm having
two conversations. Hang on.

Go on, Martin.

Oh, that's wonderful,
I'll put it on the calendar.

He can start next Wednesday.
I'm going to be late.

OK. Well, wish me luck!

I don't know why you're doing this.
It's not as if we need the money.

Right, ta-ta.

Oh. Yes?

Oh, yes, yes, I'll be organised. Mm.

No, if we're without a cooker for a
couple of days, that's no hardship.

We'll go to my daughter's in Hebden.

She's a head teacher. Mm.

Had Michelle Obama there last year.

Morning. Morning!

Morning. Morning.

Stop that little twat!

Hey, steady on, lad.

Little sod.
Argh! He's breaking me arms.

You're a witness.
I haven't done owt.

You've been thieving again,
Harrison. No, I have not. Get off!

Stop wriggling.
He's interfering with me. Help!

Inappropriate touching. Help.
Paedo alert. Help!

Pockets the size of Texas, this one.

I've paid for all these items.
No, you haven't!

I've been watching you.
I can show you me receipt.

Really? I put it in that bin
over there. No, you didn't!

If you let go of me, I'll dig it
out for you. Let you go?

Do I look stupid?

You do a bit, if I'm being honest.
Are you all right, sir?

Er, yeah, I've got an interview
for a job with a Mr Awad.

I'll take you up.
I'm going that way myself

with this little tea leaf. Argh!

I'll have to get my tetanus now!

You bite me, you little sod,
and I'll bite you back - harder!

Which school do you go to?

St Bart's up Holywell Green.

Do you hell. I do.

Isn't that a private school?
That's right.

Who pays for you to go there?
My father.

Every word is a lie.

He drives me there in his Maserati
and he lives in Dubai.

Yeah, OK. When he's here.
He's not always here.

Once he dropped me off in his
Chinook. That caused a furore.

Did it?

This fella's just jealous.

Hey, hey don't do that.

Gives a poor impression. And your
fingers are all mucky, you see?

Thanks a lot. See you later.
Thank you. Bye-bye.

Right, who's next?

Oh. Hello. In you come.

All of you.

Er, I'm... In!

Always the same faces, isn't it?
Hm? Why is that?

I'm not actually with these.
I've come about a job.

I've got an interview with you.

Well, I did have at quarter to ten.

Oh, Mr Buttershaw?
Ellie's grandad. Hello.

And I was here. I wasn't late.

Only I got caught up in this...

Altercation. Bit of a tussle.

How's the wife, Mr Awad?
Still struggling with her weight?

Me and Harrison go back a few months.

So, when will you know anything?

Oh, I don't know. He seemed
optimistic. Yeah. Nice fella.

Story of my life with you, this.

I come up with a fabulous new idea
to earn a few quid,

and you wangle it your way.

Did you fill the form in properly?
Yes.

And did you press send?

Why do they have to make everything
so complicated?

Anyway, yeah, I was telling
you about this kiddy.

So I drove him home
and I paid for what he'd pilfered.

And I shan't tell Celia any of this.

I drove him home...
Nay, you soft turnip.

He could have mugged you.

No, no, no, he were
a puny little thing.

And he wasn't malicious.

He was hungry, you could see.

Only I shan't tell her
because she'd go mad with me

for letting him sit in t'Lexus.
He was mucky.

Not malicious?
You said he bit t'other fella.

Well, yes, he did, but, er...

Well, he was cornered, wasn't he?
And he'd...

What?

He'd stolen a meal.

A square meal.

That's what upset me.

I mean, a little kiddy shouldn't
have to forage for his tea.

I mean, I know you hear about
stuff on the news.

Folks living in poverty, but...

..it's not every day...

..you come face-to-face with it.

Well, did they not call t'police?
Or social services?

Police aren't interested.

They've got enough on.

Social services, I don't know,
I assume they're the same.

Understaffed, underfunded,
struggling to get on top of it all,

so I offered to bail him out.

Yeah, they all jumped at it.

So you drove him home...

Well, I tried to, yeah.

To have a word with his parents.

That was the idea.

Are you a millionaire, then, Alan?

Oh, I wish!

No, actually, d'you know, Harrison,
I don't.

I'm all right as I am.

I'm just comfortable.

Is Harrison your real name?

This car must be worth a bit.
Well, it was when we got it.

I think if we traded it in now, we'd
be lucky to get owt much for it.

No, your high-performance car
will depreciate.

He had a very impressive vocabulary,

for somebody ingrained
so comprehensively in muck.

Hey, I asked you a question.

Me name?

Mm. Well...

..it's as real as any other.

I answer to it,
which is what matters.

It's been a delight talking to yer.
Which house is it?

It's that one over there.

Come on, then.

What y'gonna to say to 'em?
Well, jus...just that, er,

I'm gonna explain
you got caught pilfering.

And I might offer
a few tentative suggestions.

What's "tentative"?

Er... Gentle,

with overtones of well-intentioned.

I like words.

I've noticed.

I collect 'em.
They don't cost owt.

Hey!

Only it wasn't his house.
HE SIGHS

No. Elderly couple.
Knew nowt about him.

Ah. You're well shot of him
by t'sound o' things.

You're dozy,
letting him get in your car.

He could accuse you of all sorts.

Oh, I tell you, he wasn't nasty.

He were just...

..a little motormouth.

He was actually quite entertaining.

Do you remember Frank Dodsworth?

When we were kids.

Lived down t'back of Melway Street.

Er... Oh, God, aye.

Skid Alley, me dad called it.

Reminded me of him.

Hm. Way he looked.

He were a poor specimen, wasn't he?

Muck ingrained.

D'you remember? Bad teeth.

Stank like a poke o' monkeys.

He once asked
if he could come and play.

Round at our house. I said no.

We'd only be five.

Six 'appen, I don't know.

It's always bothered me.
I could have let him.

It wouldn't have hurt, would it?

Only I knew me mother'd not like it.

I've often wondered
what happened to him.

I've never heard owt about him.

I don't think I ever saw him again
after we all went up to t'grammar
school.

1948.

I have wondered if, er...

..if they knocked him about.

Worse.

He were a quiet lad.

When's Ted coming?

Fair took me back. Little kid.

What? Oh, Saturday. Why?

Just changing t'subject.

An alcoholic? Well, issues
with alcohol. God.

That's terrible.

So... Well, for her, yeah.

God, who'd have thought it?

Well... Successful people -

you just assume
they live in this perfect world

and they do Pilates
and eat vegan and don't drink.

Poor woman.

Anyway, the point is, I've been
advised to come up with a B plan,

just in case she's, um...

B plan? I don't think there is
a B plan.

If you've got Judith Tyzack coming
here and she turns up legless,

I think you're fucked.

Well, dwell on it,
give it some thought.

Er, the other thing...

The other thing?

Would you like to do the Q&A
instead of me?

I'm not copping out,
I just think that,

well, you know her books
and her characters better than I do.

And, um... Well, if there an issue

and we need to get her off stage,
I can always interrupt,

I can always come up with some
random reason to interrupt things.

Er... Are you serious?

Oh, well, I'm happy to do it,
I'm not dumping it on you,

I just thought...
No. Oh, my God,

I get to interview Judith Tyzack,
are you serious?

Yeah.

Yeah. That's the idea.

Oh, my God, I love you, Caroline.

Oh, steady on.

I'm serious. I've said it before
and I'll say it again,

what you've done for this school
is phenomenal,

and I don't think you have any idea.

No, I do.

I used to fantasise about teaching
Shakespeare to sixth formers.

I...I used to fantasise
about having a sixth form.

I didn't think it would happen,
not here.

Now...

..they're fighting to come here,
to study the fucking stuff!

Well, their parents are.

No, don't...don't swear.

Not here.

Sorry, I'm getting excited.

I just wondered if you fancied going
through the questions together.

Beforehand.

If you wanted to come for dinner,
I could cook.

I'd love that.

It's just, um... Sure.

..a little more relaxed at home,

and such a high-profile visitor,
it's important to be well-prepped.

God. Course.

I will faint if she speaks to me.

No, you won't.
No, I will.

I'll do something
mad and embarrassing.

I'll shit myself, or something.

Well, perhaps I should
ask someone else.

No.

No, no, no. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

How're things at home?

Oh, he's...still in the spare room.

Ah!

What about the weekend? Saturday?

I'm busy Friday, it's my birthday.

Well, it's my joint birthday
with my step sister.

We, er, take it in turns
to cook for the family, so...

Saturday? Um...

Yeah. Yeah, good.

Oh, good.
PHONE BUZZES

Your birthday. God, um...

Hello! It's my mother.

How did he get on? Hello?
Hi, Mum.

Is that you? Yes, hello.

How did Alan get on at the
supermarket?

He's applied for a job
at a supermarket.

Caroline? Yes.

He's 82.

It's your mum. Yes, hello.

I've just had New Zealand
on the phone.

Hm. Really?

Nadine, Ted's daughter,
all in a flap.

They didn't know where he was.

I'd better go. What?

Ted! They didn't even know
he'd got on an aeroplane.

Blimey.

That's, um... Is he, er...?

How, er...?

And I can't get hold of Alan,
cos he'll have switched his phone off

for this interview, and it won't
occur to him to switch it on again.

Oh, he's here, I'll have to go.

Oh, hell's bells, he's brought
his pet nitwit with him again.

Oh. Oh, OK.

Ta-ta. Ta-ta.

Oh...

Celia. There you go.

Ta.

There.

Are your socks clean?

I thought you were having a new
kitchen.

We are, it doesn't mean
I want this one mucked up.

Harry's come to help me sort out
that shelving in the greenhouse.

I thought we were getting
a proper fella in.

Aren't you going to ask
how my interview went?

No, we have more pressing concerns.

I need to talk to you. In here.

Oh, OK.

I'm not exactly sure
I've got to the bottom of it,

but I've had New Zealand
on the phone.

They had no idea he'd gone.

No idea he'd set off.

There's been some sort of bust-up
between him and the kids.

Well, who have you spoken to?

Nadine. She wanted you, obviously,
but you weren't here, so...

What have they had a bust-up over?

Money. What else?
But that isn't the point.

Well, it's a point.

But what she was most going on
about was that he, Ted...

..has started with dementia.

Hence, they think, him having made
some odd decisions lately.

Like what?

Well, she didn't enlarge.

Except...he's sold his house
on Green Lane.

Has he been diagnosed?

For 1.5 million!

Well, she didn't say,
and I didn't ask.

1.5 million?!

But the point is, yeah,
she's worried about him.

She's worried about him
getting here in one piece.

As, apparently, he's got
a two-day stopover in Hong Kong

and he often can't find
his sock drawer,

let alone a connecting flight.

How's he got 1.5 million
for that house?

Well, when he bought it in 1950,
it was in the middle of nowhere.

Now it's very desirable
suburban Auckland.

So the point is, she's worried
that he'll have landed in Hong Kong,

wondering where he is,
and what the hell he's doing there.

Well, if he's that bad,
how's he managed to organise

a flight in the first place?

His cleaning lady.

She was the one that told Nadine
what was going on -

they hadn't a clue.

She helped him pack and get on
his flight, and Nadine's livid.

He paid her, this cleaning lady,
to get him get to the airport

and not tell the family
until he was in the air.

Well, have they rung the airline?

Well, I think one of them
said they had,

but I don't think
they were any the wiser.

When's he due in Hong Kong?

The airline would know whether
he'd got on the flight, or not.

I'm just telling you what I know.

And he'll still have to
negotiate his way through Heathrow,

for the other flight up here!
Mm.

Even if he gets out of Hong Kong.

Mm, that's a mine field.

I've never walked so far in my life
as getting through Heathrow.

I thought I'd walked to New Zealand
by the time we got on that plane.

Has she rung his mobile?

Oh, she said he wouldn't answer,
not to her.

Something's obviously
gone very wrong between them.

But he'd answer to you.

Well, not when he's in the air,
obviously.

I didn't know he'd started
with dementia.

Well...

..he'll have been hiding it,
won't he? Like folk do.

Or...trying to.

CORK POPS
Hey!

So, wow, he's loaded.
Well, we don't know that.

We know he's sold his house.

What's the exchange rate like?

One New Zealand dollar
is worth 52p sterling.

Oh, you've googled it?
It was me, not Celia.

So he's worth 750,000, then.
In theory.

Well, unless he's spent it.

Happen that's why
they've all fallen out with him.

Or he's not shelling it out.

Well, why should he?

If it's his,
that he's worked all his life for.

I wasn't saying he should
or he shouldn't, I was just...

They all expect a hand-out
these days.

How many children has Ted got?
Four.

Nadine and Simon and... Who else?

Janet and Kevin.

And then how many grandchildren
and great-grandchildren?

Oh, I lose track.

12, I think, at last count.

And do we know any more
about where he actually is?

Well, I left him a message
on his mobile,

and he should get it
when he lands at Heathrow.

If he lands at Heathrow.

And if he can fathom
how to turn on his mobile phone.

We might have to borrow
the Jag tomorrow.

Oh, might you?

Well, we can't pick him up in the
Lexus, cos that back seat's tiny.

And he'll have all his luggage.

These two only just squeeze
in after school.

Can't see Ted squashing in,
he's a big fella.

We can take the Landy. We can all go
pick Uncle Ted up. Yay!

I'm coming.

Can I come? Am I coming?

Can Flora come?
Yes, we'll see.

Right.

Oh!

Happy birthday, Gillian.
Happy birthday, Caroline.

Bottoms up. Up yours.

Ooh, 53 at last. Wa-hey.

Many happy returns, both of you.
Happy birthday.

# Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday,
dear Gillian and Caroline... #

Thank you. Thank you.

# Happy birthday to you! #

Thank you. Thank you.

God, isn't it weird
you were both born on the same day?

Ah! Statistically, no.

There are 7.6 billion people
on the planet,

and 365 days in the year,
so statistically...

Oh, what does that mean?

Oh, um...

It means that, on any one given day,

there's a shedload of birthday cake
on the planet.

LAUGHTER
Yup!

That is 20.8 million people
on any one given day.

You didn't just work that out.

Well, I think it's lovely.
Yeah, so do I.

Just another sign from upstairs

that all this was meant to be.

What, you mean the woodworm?
Sorry?

We've got woodworm. Upstairs.

Oh, have you? That's a nuisance.

Mm, yeah, and it's gonna cost
millions to get it fixed.

Millions? Well, a lot.

Otherwise, roof's gonna collapse.

Will it collapse
while we're in bed?

No! No, it's not gonna...
You've scared her now.

It's not gonna collapse,
cos we're gonna get it fixed.

What's all this face pulling?

Sorry?

You two.

It's nothing,
just a bit of wind.

It'll be the champagne.

You're transparent.

HE SIGHS

Well, yeah.

Yeah, I've, er, said
I'd lend it to our Gillian,

what she needs for this, er,
woodworm.

And how much is it?

Money and fair words.

How much?

CLEARS THROAT

5,700 and summat.
It's just till she can pay me back.

We might have to, er,
put the kitchen on hold.

For a month or two, that's all.

Right.

It's very difficult for her
at the minute, financially,

with her having bought those
ten acres and expanded the flock.

Yeah. I was going to talk to you,
but, er...

..we've had all on.

It is an emergency.
Seriously, Celia.

If I can...

OK.

Did the boys both send you
a birthday card, Caroline?

William did, Lawrence didn't.

Well, he rang me.

Who did?
Lawrence, your Lawrence. Yesterday.

Not to do with birthdays,
although I did remind him.

He...he wants to come over
cos he's making a documentary.

A doc...? Is he? What about?

Sheep. Him and Angus.

They make documentaries,
and then they post them on YouTube.

Mum, they're not documentaries.

Little short ones. Are they not?
No. Well, they're something.

He's bringing a camera.
Oh, well, very good.

We thought he wasn't doing
very much, didn't we?

Lawrence.

They do a YouTube channel.

And they don't make documentaries,
Mother. They review things.

Review things? What, like what?
Films? No.

Books? No, like one week
they reviewed a used teabag.

And then another week
they reviewed a fly

one of 'em had squashed against
a window.

Sorry. People watch this?
Yeah.

People watch any old shit,
don't they, on YouTube.

I mean it's...it's comic...
Well, it's meant to be comical.

And do they make money?
They don't make money.

You can do, if you get enough hits.

It isn't rude, is it?
No, it's just juvenile.

And what do they call themselves?

LAADS.

Lawrence And Angus Do Stuff.

The thing is, people do make money.
Some people make thousands.

And what are they doing here?
What're they reviewing here? Me?

A sheep, by t'sound o' things.
You spoke to him.

It's sort of thing they'd do,
review a sheep.

Or its backside.

I should've asked more questions.

Maybe not. Just let 'em get on with
it and charge 'em for the privilege.

If they're making thousands.
They won't be making thousands.

They'll be deluding themselves
that they could be making thousands

if they get enough hits,
which they won't.

I'm sorry. I can't just sit
here and say nothing.

This is you all over, Gillian.

Manipulating your dad.

I mean, never mind the fact that
I have, all my life, been a saver,

so that I can take things a bit
easier and have a few nice things.

No, we have to bail you out,

you who doesn't think beyond
next week, and never has.

Forget it.

No, I shouldn't have asked.
We'll find another way.

No, no, no, hang on, just a minute.

It wouldn't be your money,
it'd be mine.

Yes, but it'd mean I'd have
to stump up a bigger percentage

to go ahead with the kitchen,

so I would, in effect,
be helping you bail her out.

Can you not see that?

We're talking about a delay,
that's all.

Oh, are we? Yes.

OK. So what's the timescale?
When can we expect to be paid back?

Oh, don't do this now, Mum,
not in front of the little ones.

Oh, God.
It's always me that's in the wrong.

The problem is that we've already
put down the deposit.

They've started building the units.

It's custom-built, it's not off the
shelf, and we've got a start date.

We can't suddenly say
we've decided against it,

we can't afford it. We can delay.

See, we'd done our sums.

Yeah, well, I'd done mine, but, er,
this... This was unforeseen.

But...

..forget it.

Look, you can't just go
mucking folk about, tradesmen.

You're lucky to get somebody
who turns up these days,

never mind a proper craftsman.

We can ask Martin to...

He's running a business.

It's fine. Dad...

..honestly, it's...

We'll find another way.

PHONE RINGS

That's you, Grando. Hmm? Oh!

It's Ted. It's Ted!

Ted? Where are you?

He's in Hong Kong.
He's about to get on a plane.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm champion.

So...

Yes, quarter to three,
we'll be there.

I think we'll all be there,
I think we're all coming.

Yeah, yeah, she's right here.

Yes. Yeah.

Yes, still a handful, that's right.

HE CHUCKLES

Would you like a word with her?

No? OK.

Yeah, you will indeed.

Hey, how much luggage have you got?

A lot, righto.

Right, ta-ta. Ta-ta.

Well, he seems as right as rain!

I've never heard him sound
more himself.

The plot thickens.

The black eye, or shiner,
was, contrary to popular belief,

not invented by King Harold in 1066,

but in fact dates back
to the sun god Horus

getting smacked in the eye
by his brother, Set,

during a tiff over who ruled Egypt.

Now, Angus got his black eye,
or shiner, last night

when he fell over pissed
in a gutter in Harrogate

after a tiff with a big scary bloke,

following an incident involving
the big scary bloke's girlfriend,

who looked like an orangutan.

Now, Set might have smacked Horus
in the eye,

but Horus kicked Set
in the family jewels. Yow!

Now, world leaders
such as the Pope and Boy George

have been seen in public
with a black eye,

and this is thought to be a sign
of belonging to the Illuminati,

or secret society, who will test

your loyalty, stamina and sense of
humour by smacking you in the eye.

Eating pineapple...

..smearing toothpaste on it...

..or vapour rub with salt
mixed in...

..is thought to ease the bruising.

Fucking pineapple water in my eye!

In serious grown-up literature,
like The Hunger Games

and Shakespeare, there are
any number of black eyes.

Fucking idiot. What are you doing?

Turning it off! It's going really
well. No, it isn't!

Well, you're not turning it off.
It's stupid.

We're just going to have to do it
all again now,

and I've only got two tins
of pineapple chunks.

It's not even funny.
It's very funny, you fuckwad.

What's a fuckwad even?

Sit. Stay there.

The thing about not drinking
is you get to this time of the day

and you're just so fucking bored.

Anyway, I've been thinking.

D'you wanna marry me?

Ted! Hello, hello, hello!

We could put them up
for a couple of nights, couldn't we?

I've no idea who they are.

Are you fed up of this old face?

What would you think
if I got married again?

LAUGHTER
I don't want to hurt her.

Is it all right if I leave
my car here tonight?

You can stay over, if you like.

Judith's asked me to marry her.

Jesus Christ! What is that?!

You need to come and look at this.

It's big. It'll be worth millions.