Original subtitles

Take the briefcase, Rubecht.

Ja wohl, Herr Colonel!

Hurry! I want to take off now!

Get moving, Rubecht!

Idiot.

Sleeping, Rubecht?

Asleep...

You're not Rubecht!

Not even German! Give me the briefcase!

Hand it over or I'll riddle you with bullets!

Never!

Don't be stupid. I have a gun. You don't.

Idiot!

Looking for this?

- What do you want? - The V2 blueprints.

No way! Get in the cockpit and take me to South America!

Or else?

I'll jump... And bye-bye blueprints!

Which ones? These?

Newspapers?

Newspapers!

Who are you?

OSS 117...

At your service.

I should have guessed!

Auf wiedershen, Herr Colonel!

And thank you for flying OSS 117 Airways!

- You okay, Jack? - Yes, Hubert.

Come on. We have a plane to fly.

I'm coming.

There's one thing that baffles me.

Why keep the briefcase if you had the plans?

I'll never give into barbarism.

Oh yeah. Same here.

Reptile!

Start by playing nice. Then we can get nasty.

Traitor! I saw straight through you.

You don't say!

You're French secret service. Agent OSS 117.

Numbered like a cow lead to slaughter.

At your service.

And I know who you are.

You're not a Lebanese reporter based in Rome,

but the niece of Egypt's King Farouk.

I'm his niece, but he's no longer king.

He was exiled 3 years ago by the vile Nasser!

May the maggot rot in hell.

You're pretty vulgar for a Pharaoh's niece.

My uncle is King.

The pharaohs ruled 4000 years ago!

I knew that.

In any case, Princess, you have what I need.

Pig! You'll pay for having betrayed me!

We'll see about that.

Before you go, filthy spy...

make love to me.

I don't think so.

- Why not? - Don't feel like it.

- It was the cow joke. - I take it back.

Thank you.

Tied up.

Gagged too?

Come here, snake!

Make it fast. I only have a few hours.

- How's the veal stew? - Excellent.

How's the veal stew?

Excellent. Nice to see you, Hubert.

- Here's the envelope. - Let's see.

- My God! - What's wrong?

Very bad news.

Jack!

Jack...

OSS 283 was our agent in Egypt.

We've had no news for the past month. Now I know why.

- What's going on there? - It's a mess.

The Americans and Russians are fighting as usual.

The English want complete control of the Suez Canal.

To top it off, a Russian cargo ship went missing.

The "Kapov".

Not to mention the Eagles of Keops.

Religious extremists who want to take over.

Potent cocktail.

The higher-ups are getting nervous.

- President Coty? - Yes... President Coty.

Your turn... What'll it be?

- How's the veal stew? - Excellent.

Hubert?

Two veal stews. I hear your herring is good.

We'll get you a side order. Judge for yourself.

We need you there.

A specialist in the Arabo-Muslim world.

- Arabo...? - Muslim.

Find what Jefferson discovered and who killed him.

Count on me.

Figure out a way to calm them all down:

Americans, Russians, English...

Buttress French policy. Establish peace.

- Sure. - Make the Middle East safe.

No problem.

Your contact will meet you at the airport, by the globe.

- The usual procedure? - Exactly.

You're Lucien Bramard, businessman. Jack Jefferson's partner.

Enjoy Cairo, OSS 117. Land of pharaohs and pyramids.

And a veritable nest of spies.

He just arrived.

How is the veal stew?

Excuse me?

Are the meat dishes here of good quality?

Yeah...

Good?

If you like meat, yeah.

With veal?

Mostly lamb, I think.

There's chicken too.

There's nothing with veal? And mushrooms and potatoes...

I don't know.

Goodbye, sir.

Have a nice day.

How is your veal stew?

Excellent.

I hear your herring is good.

We'll get you a side order. Judge for yourself.

Larmina El Akmar Betouché, Jack's secretary.

Tough name.

Hubert Bonnisseur de la Bath. Here, Lucien Bramard.

- My pleasure. - No, mine.

Let's go. This airport is a nest of spies.

- Cigarette? - No, I don't smoke.

I haven't acquired a taste.

Too bad. It's relaxing. Especially in your line of work.

It pisses me off. Not smoking kills me.

I'll keep trying, I promise.

Nice car.

Shame it's so dirty.

We have a lot of dust here.

You're telling me!

Chickens and watermelons in the streets!

But it's sort of fun.

Fun?

Egypt led the world for 2000 years.

We invented astronomy and mathematics.

Your archeologists are still stymied by our pyramids,

Mr. Bonnisseur de la Bath.

Bramard. Lucien Bramard.

Your French is perfect.

We've spoken French for ages, but the Rais...

The...?

Rais. The leader. Our president.

Nasser.

Nasser is making Arabic the sole language.

The problem with Arabic is it's hard to read.

Even the sounds are...

But it's nice. Really nice.

Arabic is spoken by millions. Writing it is an art.

Millions?

You're sweet, but do you know how much a million is?

Yes, I think I do.

You must be careful, Mr. Bramard.

Egyptians hate English occupation.

Foreigners aren't appreciated these days.

Considering your riches, I see why foreigners want to stay...

and nestle close.

Suez Canal Panoramic View

It's breathtaking.

I love panoramic views.

This one is stunning.

Your civilization truly is grandiose.

To build this 4000 years ago was visionary.

The Suez Canal was built 86 years ago.

Really?

But what a source of national pride!

It has international status. An English company runs it.

Nothing here is Egyptian.

Except for the workers killed while building it.

What is it?

My father died here.

Building the canal?

Playing paddle ball. The string broke. The ball flew off.

The current carried him away.

He was a true saint.

Egypt has suffered a great loss.

Tell me, Larmina...

what was Jack working on?

A stockpile of weapons had disappeared.

He was supposed to meet an informer in Ismaila.

I haven't seen him since.

- Strange. - Isn't it?

Strange... You see this car behind me?

I've been watching it.

- And? - It's perfectly dust-free!

Isn't a clean car nicer?

Someday I'll give your chassis a polish.

Cairo

We're here. This is the S.C.E.P.

- The... - S.C.E.P. Your cover.

Come here. This is Slimane.

Foreman, caretaker... the pillar of the company!

Welcome, sir.

Thank you, Slimane.

You feel like an orphan since Mr. Jefferson left.

Rest assured. I'm here now.

I'm Lucien Bramard, your new boss. And your friend.

Thank you, sir.

To seal our friendship, I have something for you.

Look, this is our "Rais". Mr. René Coty. A great man.

He'll go down in history.

He likes people from Madagascar, Morocco and Senegal.

He is your friend. This will bring you luck.

Thank you.

Jack...

What are you doing?

Welcome to the S.C.E.P.!

What's this?

Society of Chicken and Egyptian Poultry.

Mr. Jefferson raised chickens. Now you do!

Great.

450 hens, 110 roosters, 150 chickens! This is the S.C.E.P.

- What's the smell? - Chickens!

- And the noise? - Chickens too!

They stop it when the lights go off.

How strange.

It's true.

Mr. Jefferson's office is down the hall.

How humorous.

Who are you? Why are you here?

Calm down, calm down.

This is Gerhard Moeller, the head of the S.C.E.B.

Society of Cows and Egyptian Beef

That doesn't answer my second question.

Which one?

Why are you here?

I came to inquire how my friend Jefferson is doing.

It's been a while.

He's in Jordan. Big chicken market there.

You've put me at ease. Thank you.

We haven't had the pleasure of meeting.

It's a small world here. Everyone knows everyone.

Lucien Bramard. Jack's partner.

Very well. Pleased to meet you.

Welcome to Cairo.

Beware of him. Jack didn't like him.

Don't worry. If there's something to uncover,

I'll uncover it.

Come to tonight's Embassy reception.

I'd be delighted. A perfect occasion to wear my alpaca tuxedo.

I guess. And to butter up to the cream of high society.

I try to avoid rich foods.

Because you said butter and cream.

Two rich foods: butter and cream.

Cream of high society...

Avoid rich foods... It's a pun.

- I'll pick you up at seven. - Excellent.

Bramard.

Yes, sir?

I have a reservation.

Ah yes. Please sign here.

Thank you, Mr. Bramard.

Welcome to Egypt.

I think that man is waiting for you.

He's here. He checked into the hotel.

How is your goulash?

How is your goulash?

How is what?

How is what?

Thank you. Here.

No thank you.

But it's René Coty!

Welcome to Egypt, 117.

Princess!

It's always so enchanting to see you.

- Thank you, Hubert. - Don't mention it.

What's that smell? Could it be chicken?

Let's say it's me.

Give the envelope back.

- Why should I? - That's why.

I love to fight.

Princess, why do you want that envelope?

- My lips are sealed, ape. - As you like.

Totally sealed.

Now we're even. I won't make love to you.

Obviously, I could use this tool of mine.

It's called... a revolver.

It's unsealed lots of lips. Of both men and women.

You load it and unload it, like this.

Load,

unload.

Load,

unload.

It's trustworthy. Hard. It can penetrate up to...

I don't know what's in the envelope.

A stranger asked me to give it to my uncle, King Farouk.

My little camel...

Enough with these animal names. It gets pretty annoying.

- How is your room? - Fine, thank you.

Actually it's a bit of a mess.

A mouse on the bed and a roach underneath.

I'll take care of it.

He's leaving the hotel.

- Salaam Aleikum, Lucien. - Good evening, Larmina.

You get prettier by the hour. I can't wait till tomorrow!

- Inch Allah. Shall I drive? - I can't refuse a dark-eyed brunette.

And blue-eyed blondes?

In any case you're my kind of woman.

What if I were a midget with glasses?

I wouldn't let you drive.

Preposterous.

Go on, Larmina. I'll meet you inside.

Now I've got it. How's the beef stroganoff?

- Didn't you get enough? - Stop it.

You, stop it!

I'm sorry. Come on, let's have some fun.

He's at the Embassy.

A Suze.

Nothing to drink? Lillet? Dubonnet? Cinzano? Brandy?

I don't drink alcohol.

How strange!

It's against my religion.

What stupid religion would forbid alcohol?

The Muslim religion, practiced by 90% of our population.

I didn't know.

Too bad for me.

You're very...

Very French, in fact.

Thank you.

A mambo!

Come on!

I don't know it.

Watch my feet and do the same.

I guess I'm sort of like... your mirror.

What I see in it tickles me pink. I'm gorgeous tonight.

That dress hugs my shapes with just a hint of modesty.

Keep quiet and concentrate.

We're not very discreet.

Why be discreet with a woman like you?

Come back. I feel...

Naked without me? I understand.

You see those men?

Interesting clique.

You should question them. I'll introduce you.

Come plunge into the muddy waters of the Nile.

This is Mr. Jefferson's new partner, Lucien Bramard.

You've already met Gerhard Moeller.

Pleasure to see you again.

The pleasure's mine.

Mr. Pelletier, Society of Belgian and Egyptian Poultry Producers.

Our competitor and friend.

- Raymond Pelletier. - Pleasure.

And Yevevni Setine. He raises sheep.

Pleasure.

Mr. Bramard... a cigarette?

Thanks. I'm trying to start.

- Miss? - Thank you.

May I?

Be my guest.

I would love to show you the pyramids, Mr. Bramard.

I would love you as a guide.

The mystery of the pyramids is that of unattainable conscience.

Pharaohs were buried with their servants.

When we die, we want everything to stop.

It is the cycle of life itself.

When someone or something dies,

something or someone is born.

We try to forget we're animals,

but nature keeps reminding us. Sometimes cruelly.

Scientists experiment on fruit flies

because their brains are very similar to ours.

Through a horse's eye we seem bigger than we are.

That's why we're able to tame them.

Our eyes teach us

how to react to others.

But we can be near-sighted.

The blind man doesn't see. He feels.

And paradoxically, he sees.

When a cat's tail is straight,

it feels at ease.

An amputee's leg still itches.

When women change men, they change hairstyles.

You must let a baby cry at night,

or bedtime becomes too ritualized.

You want a drink? We can go to the bar.

A little nightcap?

Mr. Bramard?

How is the veal stew?

Nigel Gardenborough. Head of the British Lamb Consortium.

Lucien Bramard. What does this mean?

I know who you are.

I tried contacting you.

But you get a little hot under the collar.

Excuse me. One must be careful.

This city is a nest of spies. What do you want?

To warn you of a great danger.

Jefferson...

What's this about, old chap?

My God!

Choukrane... The Metropolitan Hotel, please?

Choukrane...

Larmina...

It's me.

Is it you?

Yes, it's me.

I was scared to death.

I preferred to wait here.

Sleep. It'll be fine.

Shut your damned mouth!

This ruckus is really getting on my nerves.

I'll show them!

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Enough with the mike! Don't act like a baby!

Give me that mike!

- Sleep well? - Very well, thank you.

I had a marvelous dream.

Breakfast in bed with a dark-eyed beauty.

Smooth talker!

Only during breakfast with dark-eyed beauties.

Bismi Allah...

I love to butter my biscuit.

By the way,

I was woken by a guy screaming on a tower.

I couldn't sleep. I had to shut him up.

A muezzin? You shut up a muezzin?

- The...? - Muezzin.

He was calling for prayer.

I didn't know.

That's what the ruckus was. The screaming, the mike...

Yours is a very strange religion.

You'll grow tired of it.

I bet it won't last long.

Larmina, honey,

can you drop me at the office? I'll poke around.

Of course, Lucien.

La choukrane.

See you later...

Paper clips...

Poultry and Eggs

You don't need me anymore?

- It's five o'clock. - Already?

Time really flies! You can go home, my good man.

Goodnight, faithful Slimane.

Kiss your family for me, okay?

How many children? Eight? Nine?

Two, sir.

Kiss them anyway.

Thank you, sir. Goodbye, sir.

Slimane?

Is that you?

My God...

- Are you okay? - Fine!

You said it would sting.

It usually does.

May I?

Let's not waste any more time.

- Are you okay? - Fine.

What an asshole!

It's just scratches. You could have been infected.

This doesn't bode well.

Business is bad enough.

Now we've lost 25 chickens.

This was in your assailant's pocket.

Heavens! "Fondouk". What is it?

- It's a café. - Nothing special?

Just your typical café.

What a shame.

We almost had a clue.

Maybe it's worth going there. You never know.

To find a clue or a lead.

You're right. I couldn't agree more.

Teach me a little Arabic, so I'll blend in.

From the beginning:

Excellent!

- What does it mean? - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

It's totally useless.

Unless I need to count to five.

Then it might come in handy.

But I can't go past five because at "six" I get stuck.

Let's try. Strike while the iron is hot.

Yes. Strike while the iron is hot.

My brothers! My brothers!

In the name of Merciful God

foreigners steal our riches!

They blaspheme our Prophet

and scorn our religion!

This morning

they stopped a muezzin from doing his duty.

It is a sign from above

to take up arms!

Allah Akbar!

Allah Akbar!

Yes, my brothers,

we will take up arms.

Yes, my brothers,

by attacking the muezzin this morning

they have angered the Eagles of Keops.

The infidel is among us.

Brothers...

The atheist infidel

who stopped the muezzin

from performing his duty is here.

It is him!

My head...

My wrists...

Why are you here, mutt?

I hate touristy places. Your café seemed authentic.

My whip will make you less of a wise-ass, unbeliever.

Untie me and kiss my wise ass, believer.

Six.

Larmina?

Exposed as the rat you are.

How could you betray me?

Why did I trust you?

Women are never to be trusted!

To think I almost let you make love to me! What a fine mess!

Make love to you?

You silenced a muezzin

just so you could sleep!

I'd rather screw a pig on a holy Friday!

You judge my country and religion with condescension.

I can't believe it.

Your cigarettes, your mambo, your tits mixed up with fanatics!

I told you. You didn't listen.

My father was a great man.

If he hadn't played paddle ball, he'd have led the revolution!

- You're not like those men. - I am.

I fight to be respected.

Too bad they're not like you.

If their bodies were as shapely as yours, I'd switch teams.

Don't you ever talk about my body!

If they had such round breasts,

such captivating cleavage,

nipples that perked up at the slightest emotion or breeze

nipples that you want to nibble...

so pink, so healthy, swelling with life...

You're a fool.

Yes... but I'm free!

Okay... I'm going.

What about you?

Just kidding. So long, Larmina... Inch Allah.

I'm such a ham!

Oh yes, I'd forgotten.

You're leaving without bidding farewell?

I'll bid you farewell, one by one.

- Go ahead and try. - Who wants to start?

Go ahead and try...

Who wants to start?

So infidel, you're leaving without bidding farewell?

One bids farewell only in polite society.

Good evening.

No messages?

Fine...

I'll be in my room.

He's at the hotel.

Okay. You can stop following him now.

Kill the Frenchman. He's getting very nosy.

Jackass.

He raped me twice. Maybe even more.

He's in his room.

Stop following him, I said!

And he has a pistol.

It can penetrate...

He's just a small spy with a big ego.

He's not dangerous?

Not at all.

French Embassy

Hubert, old chap.

Plantieux, good to see you!

- How long has it been? - Too long!

Like I say: "When it's long, it's too long!"

- On the rocks? - The usual!

Funny...

To our colonial empire!

The unrest here...

in Algeria, Morocco, Tunisia, the fall of Dien Bien Phu...

But trust me. We'll persevere and keep our colonies!

Inch Allah, Plantieux.

- How's it going? - It's not.

I searched the S.C.E.P. All I found are chicken receipts.

What do you think?

The books are far from great,

but there's potential.

Two years ago, our largest competitor

had 85% of the market. Now we're number one.

In fact...

I wanted your take on the Jefferson case...

Jack... Of course...

I still don't know who did it.

But if ever I found out...

Thank you.

What's this?

Jack's writing. "Kapov" is the Russian ship

that's missing. This is important. Here's your clue!

These matchbooks keep popping up.

The chicken-chucker left this. It led me straight to...

to the...

- The Eagles of... - Keops?

Another clue! Good job! Hat's off!

I was in a crowd clamoring for revolution and arms.

The Eagles are getting arms?

Worrisome. Warn the Egyptian government. I'll tell Paris.

Well done, old chap.

Intuition, discretion, deduction... Pure OSS 117!

A question of brainpower and concentration.

Talk to that Russian, Setine. He's always at the steam bath.

Okay.

Paris. Code red.

I'm off.

What should I do, before the steam bath?

The government.

Of Egypt.

That's right.

Well, I'm off.

So long, Plantieux.

Code red.

Thank you for warning us, Mr. Bonisseur de la Bath.

We'll take immediate action.

It's perfectly normal.

The Eagles want us to return to the Middle Ages.

That unconscionable attack on the muezzin sent them over the edge.

Did it?

This fountain is pretty.

I love the white noise water makes.

The first puff is for you, Mr. Bonisseur de la Bath.

It's soothing, and leads to pleasant, intelligent conversation.

An ancient Oriental tradition.

Then I'd love to start smoking again.

How flattering to see a man like you

speak our language so fluently.

I won't be sharing the hookah with a guest, but a friend.

Our country's development

and modernization have made some people jealous and bitter.

Not just the Eagles, but our degenerate royal family.

They won't accept that we removed crooked Farouk from power.

They may be a family of degenerates

but Princess Al Tarouk is worth the trip!

That royal blood sure can boil!

The way she squeals! A real fishmonger's wife!

Getting back to Egypt... Development, modernization okay, but...

Thank God for the West.

Pardon me?

Look at the canal. Pardon you!

Good thing it's European-run!

Not like your city streets!

I'm telling you as a friend.

It's 1955. Come on, wake up!

Donkeys and jellabas and writing you can't read...

It's time to grow up!

Time to grow up, man!

I'm in poultry. In terms of chicken alone, it's a mess!

Never the right papers.

If we weren't allies, you'd be rotting in jail!

What did I say?

Fat ass.

Suleyman Pacha Steam Bath

It's a good thing you came to see me, Mr. Bramard.

Your skin is terribly dry.

Really?

You should moisturize.

A moisturizer with high penetrability.

It's heaven.

I love being rubbed with oil.

Did you have something to tell me?

Yes. Does "Kapov" sound familiar?

Sounds like my country's ship that disappeared last month.

Allow me to confide you to expert hands.

The best of the Suleyman Pacha Bath.

And the best of the Orient,

Khalid.

He's the tall one. The other is Loktar.

Khalid mixes two traditional massage methods: the shiatsu

for the nerve centers and the Nuan Thai

for stretching.

It's staggering!

Khalid is a master. A maalem, as they say.

Invigorating.

Would you like the session to last or will you talk?

Talk about what?

Your partner, Jefferson.

- Jack's out of town. - Nice try!

You're as much in poultry as I am in lamb.

The Kapov. Soviet ship. Disappears one day

with a cargo of arms. The day after,

Jefferson disappears. Odd, isn't it?

My sole purpose here is to increase my chicken sales.

Lymphatic drainage!

At the Embassy you had a matchbook

with "Kapov" written in it. Odd, no?

I want to break into the Jordanian and Syrian markets.

Enough, Bramard! Or should I call you OSS 117?

Where's the Kapov? Where are the arms?

And where's Jefferson? Three questions.

One answer.

Two answers.

And three answers.

Truth is, they came "Russian" at me.

Hello, Moeller.

Get in, Herr Bramard.

How's our friend Setine?

Just fair, alas.

What do you want, Moeller?

That trip to the pyramids... Still up for it?

It'll be a pleasure.

- Tomorrow? - Tomorrow.

Good.

Shall I drop you at your hotel?

I'd prefer the S.C.E.P. I have some work to do.

He just left the hotel.

Herr Bramard,

how paltry is our poultry

before these masterpieces of ancient history?

I haven't the slightest idea... Very?

What happened to Setine is awful.

I've heard such wild rumors.

It would seem that his morals were ambiguous.

Especially in the bathhouse where you met.

Did you know?

I had no idea.

How strange. Rumor has it that you and he...

Well I had no idea!

Let's keep it that way.

Men belong with women.

The rest is perversion and mental illness.

I couldn't agree more.

Entrance to Pyramids

Herr Bramard... you'll see, it's quite amazing.

Come here.

This sudden intimacy is fitting.

I have some questions for you.

Where's the Kapov? Where's Jefferson?

You disappoint me. I thought you came for the pyramids.

I didn't. I couldn't care less.

You're wrong. It's inside that their splendor is apparent.

Where are we going?

Don't worry, Herr Bramard.

Good heavens!

What is this three-ring circus?

Colonel Moeller, of the German Wehrmacht.

Good to have you among us, OSS 117.

I've waited ages for this.

Ten years, in fact.

Ever since you killed my friend, Colonel von Umsprung.

- Von...? - Umpsprung.

Colonel Hermann von Umsprung, Waffen SS.

- I can't remember. - Think. Tall with dark hair.

I've killed so many Nazis, I've lost track.

But each time was a pleasure.

Hermann...

Catch!

That's what you call hitting...

hard?

Hermann...

he occupies my thoughts since he fell from that plane.

Oh, him!

- The V2 blueprints. - Exactly.

Okay, okay, now I see, now I see, yes, yes.

The blueprints for the Americans.

Exactly!

Tall guy, dark hair.

- Exactly! - Sweet guy.

That's right. Hermann von Umpsrung, my friend.

Yes, yes, Hermann. Nice mission.

Nice mission.

My God, so you killed Jefferson!

Unfortunately, not. Someone got there first.

But I'll make up for it with you.

- Tie him up. - Shut up, Loktar!

- You? - You've met, right?

What's up, 117!

Not just a coward, but a traitor, as your size leads one to expect.

Who the hell are you? Who are you? Nardim amouk.

Quiet, Loktar!

- Where is the Kapov? - I won't say.

Nazis and their ideology have always left me... nonplussed.

Funny how Nazis are always the bad guys.

This is 1955, Herr Bramard.

Don't we deserve a second chance?

Thanks.

Tie him up.

Enough, Loktar! Shut up or I'll shut you up.

You're tolerated here! Barely tolerated!

I'm a little embarrassed, because...

I can't say "Speak or I'll kill you"

because I'll be killing you anyway. For Hermann...

But... this will perhaps

make you want to help me.

So Herr Bramard,

what will it be?

The arms... or your secretary?

She's no longer under my employ.

How does she look?

Shall I undress her before my men?

Do as you please. She leaves me ice-cold.

How silly of me.

It would have been easier with Herr Setine

instead. With his wonderful weenie-wandering hands!

Weenie? What weenie?

"I love being rubbed with oil."

- I never said that! - I saw!

You're talking nonsense!

Total nonsense!

Let me show you something, Herr Bramard.

You see these screens? A surveillance system,

incredibly hi-tech.

It's just amazing.

Machines that allow you to record on magnetic tapes.

VTMs: Video Tape Machines.

Loktar...

Once the screens warm up...

- Adieu, Moeller. - What the hell?

I said "Tie him up!"

And I said "Shut up!"

How did you do that?

When a culture grabs your interest, you learn the language.

In this case, it was hieroglyphics.

How do we get out of here?

We'll never get out of here!

No one ever got out of here.

The Kephren Pyramid will be out tomb!

In 150 years they'll find our skeletons.

Walled in for life! For life!

We'll have to eat our feet and clothes...

We're going to die!

Are you coming?

Thank you, you saved my life.

No, I didn't.

I hated that fascist's insinuations about my sexuality.

How are the Eagles of Keops?

Fine. Fighting for the right cause.

The cause got me thrown into the canal, into a skeleton junkyard.

Oh yes...

The paddle ball I found round your father's neck.

A great man of great importance.

That was no innocent paddle ball accident.

We have an hour's hump ahead.

Don't cry. Figure out who had the most to gain.

"Stop following him" means "Stop following him."

Not "Keep on following him."

Or else I say "Keep on following him."

Lucien, I've... I've thought it over.

Only one man hated my father. The Imam of the Eagles.

- The I...? - Mam. The old man at the café.

I'll kill him with my own two hands.

You can't kill people on a lark.

I'm sorry about the other night.

I'm not sorry.

What I saw made the torture worth it.

The worst torture was not seeing more.

You embarrass me.

- I'm flattered. - As am I.

The Eagles of Keops are arming themselves.

And the Kapov disappeared while transporting arms.

That's a lot of arms.

Probably the same arms.

Possibly.

But something's fishy.

Jack was killed. In a matchbook he wrote "Kapov."

Maybe he learned it had arms on it.

Possible. But how does the Princess fit in?

Maybe she wants arms too.

Larmina, let me tell you how I see it.

Maybe Jack knew the Kapov had arms.

The Princess may want arms.

The Eagles of Keoops may want the same arms.

Could be.

Yes, I think it holds water!

Invite the madman here.

The Imam.

Offer him a drink and get him to talk.

He dishonors our religion.

You see those folkloric musicians?

Traditional.

I don't know the Arab word.

What's that guitar shaped like a crab cake?

An oud.

Now here's the plan.

Excuse me?

Let's get out of here.

What a racket!

I'll be back in an hour.

Thank you, thank you. La choukrane to all.

He said he's picking up the arms on Pier 17 at nine.

They're being sold by a white man in a torn jellaba.

Another jellaba?

Like the chicken-chucker, the arms dealer and a Brit-killer.

It's probably the same jellaba.

One jellaba for three people?

Your sweet, but it's probably the same person.

Probably...

Ten to seven.

We must act before he gets the arms.

- Let me come. - Impossible.

You've risked enough. Tell Plantieux at the Embassy:

"Chicken chucker, arms dealer, Brit-killer: one man." Get that?

Got it.

You sure?

If not, say so. No shame in not understanding.

No, I understood.

I can write it down. It'll take a minute.

- I said I understand. - I'll trust you.

Big problem at the S.C.E.P.!

My God, my chickens! First the S.C.E.P., then the arms.

Step on it, Slimane!

Faster!

Thank you, Slimane... devoted pillar of the S.C.E.P.

I know, you're my friend.

Here. Buy shoes for your kids.

It'll be tough. They're at university in New York.

My head...

So Bramard... you're coming to?

You know Slimane...

Slimane? You? My devoted foreman...

Bramard! A foreman like him deserves to be

- cherished. - I cherish him!

With coins and trinkets. That's not cherishing!

Here! My good luck charm.

President Coty. How dare you? Crooked pillar!

Get back down! Don't try acting smart!

Get it?

What do you want? Where's the Kapov? The arms? Jack?

I couldn't care less about that! I don't care! Understand?

Before Jefferson arrived, I was the king!

The boss! The big boy!

Then the S.E.P. came.

- The S.C.E.P. - Yeah whatever.

The S.E.P. came and stole my clients. One by one.

Now all I want

is for you to sign this paper authorizing the S.E.P.

The S.C.E.P.

The S.E.P. or the S.C.E.P. since Slimane is such a smarty pants!

Sell it to me, or just give it to me.

Then you'll be free to go.

Give you the S.C.E.P.? I'd rather die!

You want to end up like your chickens, Bramard?

Decapitated, gutted, feathered? Is that what you want?

For my chickens, yes!

I'll shoot you like a bird! You won't know what hit you!

Don't insist. You'll get nothing. Walou.

You don't impress me, Bramard.

You're a clown.

Poor guy.

So long, Bramard.

You were warned.

What's going on here?

One of the canons... Something is clogging it.

It's jammed.

Jammed, jammed, I see it's jammed! Do I look stupid?

You shouldn't...

See Slimane? That's why his chicken sales declined.

Shoddy maintenance means shoddy quality.

I won't punish you. You've learned your lesson.

Am I wrong?

Your silence is golden.

He's very stupid... or very smart.

Pier 17

Don't move, old madman!

That was a warning.

You? I thought the fish ate you.

They found me inedible.

Too many muscles, too many nerves.

Wretched dog!

Charming greeting.

Hands up, OSS 117.

Drop your gun.

Move forward.

Further... to the Imam.

The I...?

Mam. The Imam.

Oh, him! Now I get it.

- Got the money? - Yes. Got the arms?

Over there.

Allow me to give him to you as a bonus.

Choukrane, Mr...

Mr...?

Mr...

Jefferson.

- Hello, Hubert. - You're not dead?

OSS 283 is dead.

- But you're not dead? - No.

I never figured you were alive. In fact I thought you were dead.

I was pretending.

My God!

So it was you who...

I figured you were dead.

My friend. My brother.

Your friend?

That's not how I remember it.

Twenty-three to zero!

I'm whipping your ass!

You can't play, Jack! You suck!

That's not how I remember it.

Why did you do it?

Money, Hubert. A lot of money.

You can't live on President Coty's smile.

Lots of money, thanks to that!

- Excuse me. - Can I have a second?

- Can I have my arms? - Over there.

This is boring me.

I want my arms and him dead.

We're getting there...

Imam... claim your prize.

So long, OSS 117.

Die for your sins.

Larmina, what a surprise!

- Mr. Jefferson. - See? He's not dead!

I was sure of it.

The entire S.C.E.P. is here.

Who goes first? You or her?

Drop your gun, Jefferson!

You double-crossed me and went with the Eagles instead.

The Imam bid higher. But now I'll take your offer.

Here's my offer.

Take it or leave it.

Women! Once you let them out of the kitchen...

It's to clean up!

Enough!

I said enough!

Enough!

Listen, Princess! Tell me exactly...

Make haste!

We have a boat to catch.

There, Larmina.

Order is restored.

Egypt will be at peace for centuries to come.

I meant to tell you...

Maybe I shocked you a few times.

Yes.

At least twice.

My penchant for clean cars, and the fact that I don't smoke.

Thanks to you, I learned something.

The mambo!

I can never thank you enough.

La choukrane.

You still have some stuff to learn.

Oh yes, like what?

Cairo Bombing Nasser Declares State of Emergency

What an idiot.

Football Scandal

Good to see you. How's the veal stew?

Excellent.

I'm glad to hear your mission's a success.

Good work, OSS 117.

I did my duty.

But still...

- Something troubles me. - What?

The weenie rumors.

The higher-ups are wondering.

- You told Coty? - Hubert, I had to.

- I swear, I never... - As long as you're happy.

I never did anything!

Miss?

Sir.

Thank you, Miss.

At your service.

What you did with the weenies, you did for France.

Given your total success in Egypt,

and your knowledge of Muslim culture,

I'm sending you to Iran.

I'd be delighted. Another excuse to fly!

I'm envious, Hubert.

Iran is beautiful. They really appreciate Westerners.

Westerners are appreciated everywhere, if we show goodwill.