Original subtitles

♪Translated by♪ XQ2☻♥

- Get the briefcase, Rubecht. - Jawohl, Herr Colonel!

- Heil Hitler! - Ja, Heil. Hurry,

I want to take off now!

Hurry, Rubecht!

Imbecile.

Sleeping, Rubecht?

You're asleep...

You're not Rubecht!

Not even German! Give me the briefcase!

I'll shoot out your legs if you don't!

- Never! - Ridiculous...☻

I have a gun. You don't.

Imbecile!

Looking for this?

- What do you want? - The V2 plans.

No way! You WILL fly me

to South America!

Or else, what?

I'll jump, and you won't get the plans!

Which ones? These?

Nein!

Newspapers?

Newspapers?!

Who are you?

OSS 117... At your service.

I should have guessed! Scheisse!

Auf wiedershen, Herr Colonel!

And thanks for choosing OSS 117 Airways!

- OK, Jack? - OK, Hubert.

OK, then, let's fly this plane!

Coming.

One thing puzzles me, Jack.

Why not give him the case if you'd removed the plans?

I never yield to barbarism.

Yeah, just like me!

- You dog! - Tsk, tsk.

Let's start off easy, before spicing things up.

I saw right through your treachery.

No kidding?

You're French secret service. Agent OSS 117.

You're numbered like a cow to be slaughtered.

At your service.

And I know who you are.

Not Jamila Naroubi; Lebanese journalist, in Rome,

but Princess Al Tarouk; niece of Egypt's King Farouk.

I am Farouk's niece, but he' isn't king.

He was exiled 3 years ago by that vile Nasser!

May he die an agonizing death. Dog!

Gross language for a lady whose unky is a Pharaoh!

My uncle is 'King'. Pharaohs reigned 4000 years ago!

I knew that.

In any case, Princess...

you have something I really need.

Pig, you'll pay for your treachery!

We'll see about that.

Before you go, filthy spy, make love to me.

- I think not. - Why not?

Not in the mood.

- Didn't like the crack about cows. - OK, I take it back. - Thank you.

No... Tied up.

- Gagged? - Yes.

Mm, mhmm.

Mm, mhmm!

Hm?

Mm, mhmm!

Come here, viper!

OK, but, let's make it a quickie. I only have a few hours.

- How's your veal stew? - The stew's good.

How's your veal stew?

The stew's good. Nice to see you, Hubert.

- Here's what you wanted. - Let's see.

My God!

- What is it? - Very bad news.

Jack!

Jack...

Jack...

- Jack. - OSS 283 was our agent in Egypt.

We had no news for a month.

Now, I see why.

- What's going on there? - A mess.

The Soviets and Americans want a punch-up

The English want to hang onto Suez at any cost.

To top it all, a Russian cargo ship disappeared,

last month. The "Kapov".

Almost forgot the Eagles of Kheops.

- The...? - Eagles of Kheops.

Religious extremists who want to take over the country.

-What a cocktail! - Hubert...

Egypt's situation worries our top level. - President Coty?

Yes, President Coty.

So, you gonna eat?

- How's your veal stew? - It's good. - Hubert?

Two veals and Beaujolais Brouilly.

I hear good things about your Kipper and Spuds.

I'll bring you a ramekin see for yourself.

We need you on the spot.

A specialist in the Arabo-Muslim world.

- Arabo... ? - Muslim.

Find out what Jefferson discovered

- And who killed him. - You can count on me.

Find a way to calm everybody down:

Americans, Soviets, English...

bolster the French position, restore peace in Egypt. - Sure.

- Secure the Middle East. - No problem.

Your contact will meet you at Cairo airport, by the globe map.

- Usual procedure? - Usual procedure.

You're Lucien Bramard, businessman. Jack Jefferson's associate.

Welcome to Cairo, OSS 117, realm of pharaohs and mysterious tombs

and a veritable nest of spies.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cairo.

OK, he just arrived.

How's your veal stew?

Pardon?

Your meat dishes,

are they of good quality?

Yeah...

Good?

If you like meat, yeah.

With veal?

No, lamb, I think.

There's chicken too.

Anything with veal? With mushrooms, potatoes...

I don't know.

Goodbye, monsieur.

Good day, monsieur.

How is your veal stew?

It's good!

I hear good things about your Kipper and Spuds.

The landlord'll bring you a ramekin, see for yourself.

Larmina El Akmar Betouche, Jack Jefferson's secretary.

Complicated name. Hubert Bonnisseur de la Bath.

But, here, I'm Lucien Bramard.

- Enchanté. - Enchantée.

Let's be off. This airport is a nest of spies.

- Cigarette? - No, I don't smoke.

Never liked it.

Too bad. Smoking is relaxing. Especially in your line of work.

I know, it bugs me.

It kills me being a non-smoker.

I'll give smoking another try, I promise.

Nice car.

Shame it's so dirty.

There's lots of dust in our country.

To say the least!

People schlepping around chickens and watermelons...

Still, basically it's simpatico.

Simpatico?

Simpatico!

Egypt ruled the world for 2000 years.

We invented astronomy and mathematics.

Our architects built sanctuaries that still baffle archeologists today,

M. Bonnisseur de la Bath!

Bramard. Lucien Bramard.

Your French is irreproachable.

Egypt has long been francophone, but the Rais...

- The who? - Rais. The leader.

The president of Egypt. Nasser.

Nasser launched a policy of Arabicization.

The problem with Arabic is it's illegible.

Even the sounds are...

Actually it's lovely. Really lovely.

Arabic is spoken by millions. Writing it is an art.

Millions?

You're so charming! Do you know how much a million is, Larmina?

I know quite well, thank you.

You must be careful, M. Bramard.

Egyptians will no longer tolerate English occupation.

In general, all foreigners are unpopular these days.

Given the marvelous riches of your land, I can see why foreigners want to occupy it

and linger.

[ Suez Canal Panoramic View ]

It's splendid.

I love panoramas.

This one's magnificent.

That's where you see the greatness of your civilization.

Building this 4000 years ago, they had to be visionaries!

The Canal was built 86 years ago.

Really?

Still, it must be the pride your country!

It has international status.

The company running it, is mostly English.

None of it is Egyptian.

Apart from the cadavers of the workers killed digging it.

What is it?

My father died here.

Participating in the construction of the canal?

No, playing paddleball*(jokari). The elastic broke. The ball flew off.

He chased it, the current carried him away.

He was a saintly man.

A great loss for Egypt.

Tell me, Larmina...

what was Jack investigating?

M. Jefferson discovered a stockpile of arms was stolen.

He had a rendezvous with an informer in Ismaila, last month.

I haven't seen him since.

- Hm, curious. - Isn't it?

Yep. Curious.

- See the car behind me? - Yes.

I've been observing it for some time.

- And? - It's impeccably clean!

Isn't a clean car nicer?

Sometime, I'll give your chassis a good polish.

[ CAIRO ]

We're here. This is SCEP.

- What? - SCEP, your cover.

Come Lucien, I'll introduce you to Slimane.

Foreman, caretaker, and pillar of the company.

- Welcome, sidi*.(sir) - Thank you, Slimane.

You feel like an orphan since M. Jefferson's gone.

Rest assured. I'm here now.

I'm Lucien Bramard, your new boss.

- Above all, your friend. - Thank you, sidi.

To seal our friendship, I have something for you.

Look, this is our 'Rais'. M. René Coty.

A great man.

He'll go down in history.

He loves Cochinchinese, Malagasians, Moroccans and Senegalese.

That makes him your friend.

It'll be your good luck charm.

Thank you, sidi.

Jack...

[ SYNDICATED CAIRO ENTERPRISES IN POULTRY ]

Jack.

What are you doing, Lucien?

Welcome to SCEP, sidi!

- What's this? - It's SCEP.

Syndicated Cairo Enterprises in Poultry.

M. Jefferson raised chickens. So do you, now.

Ah, very well.

450 hens, 110 roosters, 150 chicks.

That's SCEP, sidi!

- What's that smell? - Chickens, sidi.

- And the noise? - Also chickens, sidi.

They stop sqwawking when the lights are off.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, it's true!

Come, M. Jefferson's office is down the hall.

It's... amusing.

Who are you? Why are you here?

Calm down, calm down.

Lucien, this is Gerhard Moeller, he runs SCEB.

Syndicated Cairo Enterprises in Beef.

Enchanté. But, it doesn't answer my second question.

Which one?

W-Why are you here?

I simply came to ask about my friend Jefferson.

Haven't seen him in a while.

Jack's in Jordan. Promising market for chicken.

That's reassuring. Thank you.

I haven't had the honor of meeting you.

And yet, it's a small world around here.

Everyone knows everyone.

Lucien Bramard. Jack's associate.

Very well. Enchanté.

And...

welcome to Cairo.

Don't trust him, Lucien.

Jack never liked him.

Don't worry, Larmina. If there's anything to uncover,

I'll uncover it.

There's a reception tonight at the British Embassy.

Ah, great!

An occasion to wear my alpaca tuxedo. - If you want.

But use the occasion to meet the Cairo, top big cheeses.

Not on top of my potatoes au gratin?

You said 'Cairo top': 'carrot top'.

The vegetable. And you said cheeses...

So, potatoes au gratin...

'Potatoes au gratin' was my clever joke.

- I'll pick you up at seven. - Yes, great!

See you lat...

- Bramard. - Yes, sidi?

Reservation for Bramard.

Ah yes. Please sign.

Shokran*, sidi Bramard. (Thank you.)

Welcome to Egypt.

I think that man is waiting for you, sidi.

It's fine. He's at the Metropolitan hotel.

- M. Bramard? - Monsieur?

- How's your pork hotpot? - Pardon?

How's your pork hotpot?

How's my what?

How's my WHAT?

How IS my what?

Thank you. Here.

No, thanks.

But it's René Coty!

Welcome to Egypt, 117.

Oh, Princess!

Always enchanting to see you.

- Thank you, Hubert. - Don't mention it.

What's that curious smell? Sorta like chicken.

Let's say it's me.

Gimme the envelope, Hubert.

- Why should I? - That's why.

I love to fight.

Princess, why are you so keen on that envelope?

- My lips are sealed, fennec* (jackal) - As you wish.

I'll say nothing.

That makes us even. Because, I won't make love to you.

Oh, sure, I could use my... tool.

It's called a... pistol.

It has loosened many tongues. Men's and women's.

You cock and uncock it, like this.

Cocked,

Uncocked.

Cocked,

Uncocked.

Cocked,

Uncocked.

It's trusty weapon... Sturdy.

Has a penetrative capacity...

Safi!* (stop) I dunno what's in the envelope.

A stranger asked me to give it to my uncle, King Farouk.

Thanks.

My little camel.

Would you stop with the animal names.

if you overdo it, it's annoying.

- Do you like your room? - Fine, thank you.

Actually, I must admit, it was disorderly.

I had a mouse in my bed and a cockroach in the cupboard.

I'll take care of it, sidi.

Aiwa?* (Yes?)

He's leaving the Metropolitan hotel.

- Salaam Aleikum, Lucien.* - Good evening, Larmina.

You were LOVELY this afternoon.

You're GORGEOUS tonight.

Can't wait to see you tomorrow!

Insh Allah* Shall I drive? (God willing)

I can't refuse a dark-eyed brunette.

If I were blonde and blue-eyed?

Either way, you're my type of woman, Larmina.

Really? What if I were a myopic midget?

I wouldn't let you drive.

It'd make no sense.

Go in, Larmina. I'll rejoin you later.

OK, now I've got it.

How's your casserole?

- Didn't have enough, before, huh? - (Stop!)

YOU, stop it!

Pardon me.

Come, let's have some fun.

He just arrived at the Embassy.

A Suze*. (bitters) Anything for you?

Guignolet? Dubonnet? Cinzano? Brandy, perhaps?

I don't drink alcohol.

What an odd notion!

It's forbidden by my religion.

What religion would be so stupid as to deprive its faithful of such a pleasure?

The Muslim religion,

to which 90% of this country belongs.

I didn't know that.

My bad.

You're very...

Very French, all in all.

Thank you.

Oh, a mambo!

Come on!

I don't know this dance.

Watch my feet and do like me.

I'm a sort of mirror image of you.

Say, I'm delighted with my reflection.

I'm lovely tonight.

That dress shows my gorgeous shape with a soupcon of modesty.

Be quiet and concentrate.

Lucien, a little discretion!

How can I be discreet with a woman like you?

Come back, without you, I feel...

All naked?

I understand.

You see those men?

- A pretty clique! - They're the ones, you should sleuth.

I'll introduce you.

Come, Lucien.

Plunge with me into the troubled waters of the Nile.

This is M. Jefferson's associate, Lucien Bramard.

Lucien, Gerhard Moeller. You've already met.

Nice to see you again, M. Bramard.

My pleasure, Herr Moeller

Raymond Pelletier, SBEP: Syndicate of Belgo-Egyptian Poultry Producers.

Our competitor and friend.

- Raymond Pelletier. Hello. - Enchanté.

And Yeveni Setine. He raises sheep.

Enchanté.

M. Bramard. Cigarette?

Thanks. I've been meaning to start.

- Mademoiselle? - Thank you.

- May I? - Be my guest.

I'd be delighted to show you the pyramids, M. Bramard.

It's an honor to have such a guide.

A philosopher once said, the pyramids' mystery

is as impenetrable as the mystery of consciousness.

Pharaohs were buried with their servants.

When we die, we want everything else to stop.

But, it's the cycle of life.

When someone or something dies,

something or someone is born, elsewhere.

We try to forget we're animals,

but nature reminds us.

Sometimes cruelly.

Scientists experiment on fruit flies (drosophilia*)

because their brain structure is very close to ours.

A horse sees us as bigger than we are, with its anamorphic eye.

That's why we were able to domesticate them.

Our eyes and our outlook

which dictate our behaviour towards others.

But we can be myopic.

Ah!

The blind man doesn't see. He feels.

And paradoxically, he sees.

If a cat's tail is vertical,

it feels at ease.

Amputees' legs still itch.

When women dump men, they change hairstyles.

You must let a baby cry at night,

otherwise its bedtime becomes too ritualized.

Hm!

Shall we have a drink? Something from the bar, hm?

A little nightcap.

- Mister Bramard? - Yes.

[ How's your veal stew? ]

Excuse me.

Nigel Gardenborough. Head of the British Lamb Consortium.

Lucien Bramard. What does this mean?

It means, I know who you are. - Ah!

I tried contacting you several times.

But you're a bit of a hothead.

Pardon me. Can't be too careful.

This city is a nest of spies.

- What did you want? - To warn you of great danger.

Jefferson...

Jack Jefferson... aah!

What is it, old chap?

Oh, my God!

Shukran*... (thanks?)

The Metropolitan Hotel, please? Shukran*

Shukran?*

Larmina.

It's me.

- It'syou? - Yes, it's me.

I was worried to death.

I preferred to wait here.

Sleep. Everything's fine.

♪ Allahu akbar* (God is great)

♪ Allahu akbar

♪ aaaaaaaaa

♪ aaaaaaaaa

♪ la ilaha illallah* (there is no god but God)

♪ Allahu ak...

WILL YOU SHUT YOUR TRAP!

♪ Allahu akbar

♪ Allahu akbar, Allah

This racket is getting on my nerves.

I'll give'm an earful!

- ♪ baaaaaar - Excuse me!

Excuse me!

I don't believe this! Gimme the mike!

Don't be childish!

Gimme that mike!

- Bonjour. - Bonjour, Larmina.

- Sleep well? - Very well, thank you.

I had this marvelous dream, that a sublime dark-eyed lady

- served me breakfast in bed. - You say that to everybody.

No, only to sublime dark-eyed ladies who serve me breakfast in bed.

Bismillah.* (in the name of God)

I love laying it on thick.

By the way, Larmina

I was awakened by a guy screaming his guts out, up a tower.

Impossible to sleep. I had to shut him up.

A muezzin*? You shut up a muezzin?

- The who? - Muezzin.

The priest who calls us for morning prayers.

I didn't know.

So, that's what that racket was. The screaming, the mike...

I still maintain it's a curious religion.

I'm sure you'll all be fed up with it, soon.

I can't predict a great future for it.

Say, Larmina, dear,

can you drop me off at the SCEP office to rummage around?

Sure, Lucien.

Lashukran.* (don't thank me)

OK.

See you later...

Intercalary...

[ Chickens and Eggs ]

Will you need me for anything else?

- It's five o'clock, sidi - Five o'clock?

How time flies!

No, you can go home, my good man. - Thank you sidi.

Goodnight, Slimane.

- Slimane? - Yes, sidi.

Kiss your family for me, OK?

How many kids you got? Eight? Nine?

Two, sidi.

Kiss them anyway.

Thank you, sidi.

Slama*, sidi. (Goodbye)

Slimane?

Is that you, Slimane?

Slimane?

My God!

You OK, Lucien?

Fine!

I though it would sting.

Normally, yes.

May I?

Let's not waste time with this nonsense.

- You OK, Lucien? - Fine.

(What an idiot!)

You're lucky it's just scratches.

It could get infected.

I don't like this, at all.

As if business isn't bad enough, already.

We lost 25 chickens in this deal.

Look at what I found in your assailant's pocket.

My God, "Fondouk"! Ring any bells?

- It's a café. - Anything special about it?

No, nothing. Very typical.

Too bad.

It could've been a clue.

Even so, it may be worth dropping by.

You never know.

To find a clue or a lead.

You're right. That's exactly what I think.

Teach me some basic Arabic, so I'll blend in.

Very well. Let's start at the beginning:

waheed, zhush, thalatha, arba'a, hamsa.

- waheed, zhush, tleita, arba'a, hamsa. - Very good.

- What's it mean? - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

It's of no use to me.

Unless I need to count to five.

Then it might come in handy.

I mustn't go past five because at "six" I'm done.

Let's give it a try.

It's worth a shot, Larmina.

Yes, worth a shot.

- Salaam. - Salaam.

My brothers! My brothers!

In the name of God most merciful

foreigners steal our riches!

They flout our God

and repudiate Islam!

This morning they obstructed a muezzin

in the performance of his duty.

It is a sign from above to take up arms!

- Allahu Akbar! - Allahu Akbar!

- Allahu Akbar! - Allahu Akbar!

- Allahu Akbar! - Allahu Akbar!

Yes, my brothers,

we will take up arms.

- Allahu Akbar! - Allahu Akbar!

- Allahu Akbar! - Allahu Akbar!

- Allahu Akbar! - Allahu Akbar!

Yes, my brothers,

by attacking the muezzin this morning

they've aroused the wrath of the Eagles of Kheops.

- Allahu Akbar! - Allahu Akbar!

- Allahu Akbar! - Allahu Akbar!

- Allahu Akbar! - Allahu Akbar!

All...

The infidel is among us.

Brothers...

The atheist infidel

who stopped the muezzin

from performing his duty is here.

- It is him! - Allahu Akbar!

Oh, my head!

My wrists...

Why are you here, foreign dog?

I avoid tourist traps. Your café seemed authentic and the menu tasty.

A few whip lashes and you'll lose your arrogance, infidel.

Untie me, I'll let you feel my arrogance, Fidel.

waheed, zhush, tleita,

arba'a, hamsa...

...Six.

Larmina?

Trapped like a rat, OSS 117.

How could you betray me? I should've never trusted you.

You can never trust a woman!

To think I almost let you make love to me, now I'm fairly screwed!

Make love to you?

You, who silenced a muezzin because he interfered with your sleep!

I'd rather fornicate with a pig on a Ramadan Friday!

You incessantly judge my country and religion with smug pretention.

I can't believe it. You...

with your cigarettes, your mambo, your tits, in this gang of fanatics!

I told you, but you didn't listen.

My father was a saint of a man.

If he hadn't had that terrible jokari accident,

he'd be leading the revolution!

- You're not like those men. - I'm just like them.

I fight for respect.

Too bad they're not like you.

If all men had your shape I'd definitely switch teams.

I warn you, never talk about my body!

If men had your round breasts,

your impeccable cleavage,

nipples that perk up at the slightest emotion or breeze

the sort of nipples you want to nibble...

so pink with life, engorged with desire...

You're ridiculous Lucien.

Yes... but I'm free!

OK... I'm off.

What're you gonna do?

Just kidding. So long, Larmina. Insh Allah.(God willing)

I'm such a card!

Oh yes, I'd forgotten.

So, infidel, leaving without saying 'au revoir'?

Not at all. I'm ready to tell you 'au revoir', one at a time.

- Try it and see... - Who wants to start?

Try it and see...

Who wants to start?

So, infidel, leaving without saying 'au revoir'?

In polite society one never overstays one's welcome.

waheed, zhush, tleita,

Arba'a, hamsa...

Good bye, infidel. May God receive you soul.

What?! May he rot in hell!

Let's go, he's done for.

Gimme that, I'll row.

Good evening.

Any messages?

Fine.

I'll go up to my room.

He just got back to the hotel.

OK. You can stop following him now.

We must kill the Frenchman. He's too nosy.

The jackal.

He raped me twice, and several times since then.

Assalamu aleikum

- He's in his room. - Stop following him, I said!

And he has a pistol,

- with penetrative capacity... - Stop it!

He's nothing but a small spy with a swelled head.

He poses no danger?

None at all.

[ French Embassy ]

Hubert, old chap.

Plantieux, good to see you!

- How long has it been? - Too long!

Like I always say, when it's long, it's too long.

- On the rocks? - On the rocks!

Funny...

- To our colonial empire! - To our colonial empire!

There's unrest here, in Algeria, Morocco, Tunisia...

the fall of Dien Bien Phu.

Believe me, Hubert, France will soon regain the upper hand

- and keep its colonies! - Insh Allah, Plantieux.

- How far did you get? - Nowhere.

I searched the SCEP and found nothing but chicken receipts.

What's your take on it?

I redid the books. They're not wonderful,

but, it has potential.

You realize, Plantieux, two years ago,

our largest competitor, SBEP, had 85% of the local market.

Now we're ahead of them.

Actually...

I wanted your take on Jefferson's death.

Ah, Jack... yeah, sure.

I still don't know who did it.

Believe me, if I knew...

Thanks.

What's this?... Jack's writing.

The "Kapov" is the Russian ship that disappeared last month.

If he wrote it down, it must be important.

It's a clue!

I keep finding matchbooks.

This one, I found on the chicken-chucker.

It led me straight to the...

to the...

- The Eagles of... - Kheops? - Yes!

Another clue. Good job. Hats off to you.

I was in a crowd clamoring for revolution,

but, now that they're getting arms...

The Eagles of Kheops, are getting arms?

- Yes. - Extremely worrisome.

You warn the Egyptian government, I'll tell Paris.

Well done, old chap.

Intuition, discretion, deduction: pure OSS 117!

You just have to think and not get sidetracked.

Talk to that Russian, Setine.

You'll find him at the Soliman Pasha Hammam* (steam bath) - OK.

Get me Paris. Code red.

I'm off.

What did you tell me to do before the hammam*? (steam bath)

- The government. - The government...

Of Egypt.

OK, right.

Well, I'm off.

Au revoir, Plantieux.

Code red.

You did well to warn me, M. Bonisseur de la Bath. Thank you.

We'll act immediately.

It seemed the obvious thing to do.

The Eagles of Kheops want to plunge us into the Middle Ages.

Yesterday's regrettable, unforgiveable incident with the muezzin

- must've sparked their fire. - Ah, really?

Lovely fountain!

I like the white noise of water.

The first puff is for you, sidi Bonisseur de la Bath.

Kief* soothes and makes for pleasant, constructive conversation. (hash resin)

An ancient Oriental tradition.

In that case, I'd be pleased to start smoking again.

- Ella ye ham. El wa ledin. - La shukran ela wa el zhulla.

How flattering to see a man of your caliber

speak our language with such ease.

It's not with a guest, but a friend that I share this narguile*. (hookah)

Our country's development

and the modern era we opened up have created envious, bitter opposition.

Not only the Eagles of Kheops, but that degenerate royal family.

Who never accepted the removal of that inept pervert, Farouk.

The royal family may be degenerates, but

I assure you, Princess Al Tarouk is worth making a detour.

When she gets busy, she checks her royal blood at the door.

My God, she screeches like a fishwife!

So...

Getting back to the situation in Egypt. Development, modernization: fine, but

- If it weren't for Westeners, huh? - Sorry?

Just the canal, if you please!

If the French and the English weren't running it, I mean...

Just look at the mess on the streets!

And I say this as a friend:

it's 1955, buddy. Gotta wake up!

Donkeys everywhere, djellabas*, illegible writing. (kaftan)

It's time you grew up.

Time to grow up.

I'm in poultry. Just in terms of chicken, what a mess!

- Never the right papers. - Enough!

Because our countries are allies, you're not rotting in jail!

What is it? What did I say?

I've had enough of you.

Fat ass.

[ Suleyman Pacha Hammam* ] (Steam Bath)

It's a good thing you came to see me, M. Bramard.

Especially since your skin is so dry.

Really?

I'd advise you to moisturize.

Hydrate your skin, let it penetrate deeply.

This is delicious.

I love being buttered up.

- Got something to tell me, Lucien? - Yes, "Kapov". Ring any bells?

Kapov?

Could it be my country's ship that disappeared last month?

M. Bramard, I'll leave you in expert hands.

The best in Suleyman Pasha Hammam.

The best in all the Orient,

Khalid.

He's the tall one. The other is Loktar.

Khalid mixes two traditional massage methods:

shiatsu, to work out the nervous blood

and Nuan Thai for stretching.

Oh, yes, it's astounding!

Khalid is a master; a "maalem", as they say, here.

It's bracing.

Would you like to prolong the massage

- or will you to talk to me? - Talk about what?

Your associate, Jefferson.

- Jack's at a meeting, abroad. - Enough games, Bramard!

You're no more into poultry than I am into lamb.

The Kapov, a ship, property of the Soviet Union, disappears

with its cargo of arms. The next day,

Jefferson disappears, too. Strange, no?

My sole concern, Setine, is to develop my chicken activities.

Lymphatic drainage!

At the bloody British Embassy you had

a matchbook with "Kapov" written in it. Odd, no?

My ambition is to break into the Syrian and Jordanian markets.

Enough, Bramard! Or should I say, OSS 117?

Where's the Kapov? Where are the arms?

Where's Jefferson? Three questions.

One answer.

Two answers.

And three answers.

One might say the Soviet's thrown in his towel.

Guten Abend.

Ah, good evening, Moeller.

Get in, Herr Bramard.

- How's our friend Setine? - As well as can be expected.

What do you want, Moeller?

That excursion to the pyramids we talked about; still up for it?

Yes, with pleasure.

- Tomorrow? - Tomorrow.

Good.

Want me to drop you at your hotel?

I'd sooner be dropped off at the SCEP I have a little more work to do.

- He just left the hotel. - &*$%*@*¢!!

Herr Bramard, what are we, paltry poultry producers,

before these masterpieces that have endured millennia?

I dunno... Nothing?

Frightful thing that happened to our friend, Setine.

They say crazy things about him.

They say his morals were, to say the least, ambiguous.

Particularly in the hammam where you met.

Did you know?

No, I had no idea.

Strange. Still, they say that you and he...

Yeah, well, I didn't know!

And I prefer it that way.

As for me, men should go with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.

- Let's say no more. - I totally agree.

[ Entrance to Pyramids ]

Herr Bramard, you'll see, it's quite impressive.

Come.

This sudden intimacy suits me fine.

I have 2 or 3 questions for you.

What do you know about the Kapov and what happened to Jefferson?

You disappoint me Herr Bramard. I thought you were intersted in pyramids.

Well, I'm not. I couldn't give a rat's ass.

You're wrong about that. Deep inside they reveal all their riches.

Where are you taking me, Moeller?

Don't worry, Herr Bramard.

Great God, what the...!

Heil Hitler, Heil Hitler, Heil Hitler!

What's this masquerade, Moeller?

Colonel Moeller, Officer of the Wehrmacht.

Welcome among us, OSS 117.

I've been waiting a long time for this moment. 10 years, exactly.

Since the day you murdered my friend, Colonel von Umsprung.

- Von... ? - Umpsprung.

Colonel Hermann von Umsprung, Waffen SS.

- Can't place him. - Sure. Tall... dark hair.

I tell you, Moeller, I've killed so many Nazis, I've lost count.

On the up-side, each one was a great pleasure.

Hermann...

Hermann...

Take that!

Is that what you call hitting it...

hard?

Hermann...

Not a day goes by, when I don't think of him.

Since you threw him out over Berlin. - Oh, him!

- He had the V2 plans? - Voila.

Oh, OK, now I see, I see, absolutely, yes, yes.

We took his plans and gave them to the Americans. - Voilà!

Tall guy, dark hair.

- Voilà! - Sympatico.

Exactly. Hermann von Umpsrung, my friend.

Yes, Hermann, absolutely. Nice mission, by the way.

Nice mission, yep.

My God, so it was you who killed Jefferson!

Unfortunately, no. Someone else beat me to it.

But I'll make up for it, with you.

- You should tie him up, Colonel. - Shut up, Loktar!

- You? - You know each other, I believe.

- Hello, 117! - I should've guessed.

You're not only a coward, you're a traitor,

as your small size indicates.

What are you, huh? What are you? Nardim amouk.

Silence, Loktar!

- Where's the Kapov, Bramard? - I won't tell you a thing, Moeller.

The 3rd Reich and Nazis ideology have always left me sceptical.

Bla, bla, bla, bla.

Funny, how the Nazis are always the bad guys.

It's 1955, Herr Bramard.

Can we get a second chance? ... Thank you...

- You should tie him up, Colonel. - Enough, Loktar!

Shut up, or I'll shut you up.

You're just tolerated here. Tolerated!

I'm a little embarrassed, because

I can't say "Talk or I'll kill you"

because I'll be killing you anyway. For Hermann, you see.

But, perhaps this

will motivate you to help me.

Oh, Scheisse!

So Herr Bramard, what's you decision?

The arms, or your secretary?

Mademoiselle El Akmar Betouche is no longer part of SCEP.

Yes, yes. How does she look?

Do you want me to undress her before my men?

Do as you please. I'm not attracted to that woman.

Oh, silly me!

No doubt, it would have been easier with Herr Setine in her place.

The one who, so expertly, fondles little weenies.

What weenies?! Whose weenie?

- "I love being buttered up." - I never said that!

- I saw you! - Stop talking nonsense.

- Total nonsense. - Ach, Herr Bramard!

Let me show you something, Herr Bramard.

You see these screens?

It's a surveillance system. Highly sophisticated.

This system is simply amazing.

Machines that allow you to record images on magnetic tapes.

I call them 'record-o-scopes'.

Loktar...

Once the screens warm up we'll be able to...

- Adieu, Moeller. - What the ...?!

Scheisse!

I told you to tie him up, Colonel.

And I told you to shut up!

How did you do that?

Ma chère, when you're interested in a culture, you learn the language.

In this situation, it happens to be hieroglyphs.

How do we get out of here?

We'll never get out of here.

No one ever got out of here!

The Pyramid of Kephren will be our tomb!

All they'll find, in 150 years will be our skeletons.

Walled in for life! For life!

Condemned to eat our fingers, our feet, our clothes!

We're all going to die!

Coming, Larmina?

Thank you, M. Bramard, you saved my life.

I didn't save you. I couldn't stand that fascist's allegations

about my sexuality. It's different.

How are your friends, the Eagles of Kheops?

Fine, thanks. They're fighting for a good cause.

A good cause?

Worth throwing me into the Suez canal among a forest of skeletons?

By the way...

Here's the jokari I found around your father's neck.

Your father was influential, a saintly man.

This was definitely no ordinary paddle ball accident.

Come, we have an hour's hump by dromedary.

Don't cry Larmina.

Rather, try to figure out who profited from the crime.

- Good evening, sidi. - Assalamu aleikum

- Ma assalaam - Hatha sali?

- Un shouilla. - Ushe gava?

- 'Ham du li'llah, ani? - Be 'aa. - Hashem zii.

- Ana melfik. - 'Ham du li'llah.

When I say: "Stop following him" I really mean "Stop following him."

Not "Keep following him."

Otherwise I'd say "Keep following him."

Lucien, I... I've thought it over.

Only one man could hate my father. The Imam of the Eagles of Kheops.

- The I... ? - Mam. The old man at the Fondouk*. (café)

I'll kill him with my own two hands.

Calm down Larmina. You can't kill people on a whim.

I'm sorry about the other night at the Fondouk*. (café)

I'm not sorry.

What I saw there made up for the torture.

Even if the worst torture of all was not seeing more.

Lucien, you're embarrassing me.

- Flatterer. - Flatterer.

Well...

Larmina, the Eagles of Kheops are getting arms.

And Setine the Soviet said the Kapov disappeared with its cargo of arms.

Seems to me, a lot of arms, all at the same time.

Undoutedly the same arms.

Possibly.

But there are troubling things in this business.

Jefferson's killed and writes in a matchbook: "Kapov."

Maybe Jack learned the Kapov was carrying arms.

Possible. But what's the connection to the Princess?

Maybe those arms interest the Princess.

Larmina, I'll give you my gut feeling.

Maybe Jack learned the Kapov was carrying arms.

Maybe those arms interest the Princess, too.

The Eagles of Keops' arms. are undobtedly the same arms.

Possible.

Yes, I think my reasoning holds up.

Larmina, you invite the old fool of the Fondouk*. - The Imam.

Invite him here for a drink tonight and try to loosen his tongue.

That traitor dishonors our religion.

You see that group of folk musicians?

'Traditional'.

I didn't know the Arabic term.

What do you call that guitar shaped like a big cheese tart?

An oud.

Here's what we'll do.

Pardon?

[♪ Bambino] [Guaglione 1956 Music Giuseppe Fanciulli]

What's this?

♪ aynin-ak bakew, Galb-ak hanin, Me l-ak hazin? Your eyes weep, your heart is pained, are you in mourning?

♪ Me je-k'sh an-num, Me l-ak al-yum? Wulit magrum Sleep won't come, what's wrong, today? You're in love.

♪ Ra-k bi nu-nes, Tamshi fi sharaea, hawis Among the people, you walk the streets, searching.

♪ U kul lila, gudim beb-ha, Tastana-ha And each night, by her door you wait.

♪ Habit twazwaz ye l-bulbul You wanna sing like a nightingale

♪ Bambino, bambino

♪ U fi bel-i ra-k tnum But I think you're dreaming.

♪ Bambino, bambino

♪ Gelu l-i wulit mahbul I've been told you're a fool.

♪ Bambino bambino

♪ Me zel tabaz ye bahlul You haven't yet grown up, idiot.

♪ Taleab maziane bi la mandoline, Ya wald-i Bambino You can play the mandolin, o my Bambino.

♪ Musiqa shal nabghi-ha, U hluwa kima rahat al-lil How I love your music, sweet enough to chase out the dark.

♪ Gha-ni gha-ni, bi b-sut hanin, Ya wald-i Bambino Sing, sing with your tender voice, o my Bambino

♪ Fahham-ni wasshsh ra-k tatmanna, Lazim khu-ya l-yum tense-ha Tell me what you wish. Brother, forget about it.

♪ Habit twazwaz ya l-bulbul You wanna sing like a nightingale

♪ Bambino, bambino

♪ U fi bal-i ra-k tnum But I think you're dreaming.

♪ Bambino, bambino

♪ Gelu l-i wulit mahbul I've been told you're a fool.

♪ Bambino, bambino

♪ Ma zal tabaz ya bahlul You haven't yet grown up, idiot.

Let's get outta here.

The music is deafening!

[ Back in one hour. ]

Thank you, thank you. La shukran to all. La shukran

Lucien, I got the Imam to tell me

at 21:00h he'll be on Pier 17 to take delivery of the arms.

And, hold on, the seller is a westerner wearing a torn djellaba. (kaftan)

Another djellaba?

Between the chicken-chucker, the arms dealer and the Limey-killer,

No doubt, it's the same djellaba.

One djellaba for three people?

Larmina, you're so charming,

but I rather think it's the same person. - Surely.

It's ten to seven.

We absolutely must intervene before the Imam gets the arms. I'm off.

- Lucien, I'll come with you. - Certainly not.

You've risked enough. Tell Gilbert Plantieux at the French Embassy that

the chicken chucker, the arms dealer and the Limey-killer is the same man.

- Can you emember? - I should think so.

You sure?

If not, say so, Larmina. There's no shame in not knowing.

No, it's OK, I assure you.

I can write it down. It'll take two minutes, then I can rest easy.

- I said it's fine. - I trust you, Larmina.

Sidi, there's a big disater at the SCEP!

My God, the chickens! I'll pass by the SCEP on the way to Pier 17.

Step on it, Slimane!

Gun it!

Thank you, Slimane, stalwart pillar of the SCEP. Do you know...

Yes, I know, sidi, you're my friend.

Here. Buy shoes for your kids.

It'll be complicated, at the moment they're in New York pursuing their studies.

Oh, my head...

So Bramard, regaining your wits?

You know Slimane, I believe.

Slimane? You? My stalwart foreman!

Bramard, a foreman like him should be cherished. - I do!

With loose change and alms.

I don't call that cherishing!

Here! My good luck charm.

President Coty. How dare you, felonious pillar...

Hey! Back in place, boy-o!

Don't start with your clever tricks! Got it, huh?

What do you want Pelletier?

To know where the Kapov is, the arms, Jefferson?

I don't give a hoot! I don't care! Understand?

Before Jefferson arrived, I was the 'king'!

The wali*, caid*! (leader, chief)

- Then the SEP came. - SCEP sidi. - Yeah I know.

The SEP came and my clients left. One by one.

What I'd like now,

is that you sign this paper to undertake that the SEP...

SCEP sidi.

The SEP, or the SCEP as Slimane, the know-it-all, calls it.

...undertake to sell it, or even give it to me.

Then you can go about your business which I don't wanna know.

Give you the SCEP? Never, I'd rather die!

You wanna end up dead, like your chickens, Bramard?

Decapitated, gutted, plucked? Is that what you want?

To keep my chickens, yes!

I'll shoot you like a chicken.

You'll catch some lead in your ass you won't know where it came from!

Don't insist, Pelletier. You'll get nothing*. Walou*.

You don't intimidate me, Bramard.

You're ridiculous.

A loser.

Adieu, Bramard.

This'll teach you to act smart.

What the hell's going on here?

One of the barrels... Something's obstructing it.

It's jammed sidi.

Jammed sidi, jammed sidi! I can see it's jammed!

Do you take me for a cretin?

No, you shouldn't...

See Slimane? That's why Pelletier lost his market share.

Equipment, badly maintened,

equals products of bad quality.

I won't punish you, Slimane. I think you learned your lesson.

Am I wrong?

Your humility does you credit, Slimane.

I wonder if he's very cunning or a complete twat.

[ Pier 17 ]

Don't move, old fool!

I warned you.

You? I thought the fish devoured you.

They found me inedible.

Too much muscle, too sinewy.

- Vile dog! - Charming reception.

Hands up, OSS 117.

Drop your weapon.

Move forward.

Further. Up to the Imam.

The I... ?

Mam. The Imam.

Oh, him! All right.

- Assalalamu aleikum. - W'aleikum salam u lah durrahua.

- Got the money? - Yes. Got the arms?

There.

Imam, to celebrate this important deal, I offer him to you as a gift.

Shukran, sidi.

Sidi...?

Sidi....

Jefferson.

Jack! Jack...

- Hello, Hubert. - ...you're not dead?

OSS 283 is dead.

- But you're not dead? - No.

I never imagined you were alive. In fact I thought you were dead.

I was pretending to be dead.

Oh, my God!

- Then, it was you who...? - Yes.

But I was sure you were dead.

Jack... my friend. My brother.

Your friend?

That's not how I remember it.

Twenty-three to zero!

You've been trounced, Jack!

You don't know how to play, Jack! You stink!

- Jack! - Hey?

No, it's not how I remember it, at all.

Why are you doing this, Jack?

Money, Hubert. A lot of money.

President Coty's smile isn't enough to live on.

Lots of money, thanks to that!

- Please... - Just a second, hm?

- Can I have my arms? - They're there.

I'm fed up with your back story. I want my arms and I wanna kill him.

- This is my point. - We're coming to that.

Imam, your gift.

Adieu, OSS 117.

You die by the fruits of your sins.

Larmina, what a surprise!

- M. Jefferson. - See, Larmina, he's not dead!

I was sure of it.

Seems the SCEP personnel is all here.

Who'll be first? The secretary or the director?

Drop your weapon, Jefferson!

Dog! We had an agreement, yet you deal with the Eagles of Kheops.

The Imam upped the bid. Now, I'm open to offers.

Here's my offer.

Take it or leave it.

The problem with women is, when you leave the kitchen...

It's to take out the trash!

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!... Jack!

Jack...

JAAACK!

That's enough, now!

I said enough!

Stop!

Enough!

Now, Princess, tell me exactly...

Let's get a move on! We have a boat to neutralise.

Voilà, Larmina.

Peace is restored.

Peace will reign over your country for centuries to come.

Larmina, I meant to tell you...

I may have shocked you a couple of times.

Yes.

At least twice.

My obsession for clean automobiles,

and the fact that I don't smoke may have irked you.

Be that as it may, I learned something, thanks to you.

The mambo!

I can never thank you enough.

La shukran.

No, thanks. I beg of you.

You still have a few little things to learn.

Oh yeah, like what?

[ Cairo Bombing Nasser Declares State of Emergency ]

What a mess.

[ Kopa Quits Reims Football Club ]

Good to see you, Hubert. How's the veal stew?

It's good.

I'm so happy. Your mission was a success.

Good work, OSS 117.

I just did my duty.

But still...

- Something bothers me. - What?

That weenie business. They're asking about it at the top levels.

- You haven't told Coty about the weenie? - Hubert, it's my duty.

- I swear, Armand, I never did... - After all, whatever makes you happy!

But, I never did that!

Mademoiselle?

Monsieur.

Thank you, Mademoiselle.♥

At your service, monsieur.

After all, your weenie acted for the good of France.

In view of your total success in Egypt,

and your profound knowledge of Muslim lands,

they've asked me to send you to Iran.

It's about time! Good opportunity to go by plane.

I envy you, Hubert.

Iran is a beautiful country and I believe Westerners are really appreciated.

You know, Westerners are appreciated everywhere, as long as we make a little effort.

♪Translated by♪ XQ2☻♥