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1
00:00:03,668 --> 00:00:06,370
Who's fat, who's gross?
Who's least, who's most?
2
00:00:06,372 --> 00:00:07,137
Someone, someone.
3
00:00:07,139 --> 00:00:10,207
I got Amber Tamblyn throwing
some real shade
4
00:00:10,209 --> 00:00:11,709
on Dame Judi Dench.
5
00:00:11,711 --> 00:00:13,377
(man)
Amber!
6
00:00:15,814 --> 00:00:17,314
Please, my dog is sick,
come on.
7
00:00:17,316 --> 00:00:19,550
(man)
So you'd marry Betty White?
8
00:00:19,552 --> 00:00:21,986
Whoa! Rock, paper, scissor!
9
00:00:21,988 --> 00:00:23,153
(laughter)
10
00:00:23,155 --> 00:00:25,856
I thought Amber Tamblyn
was fucking dead.
11
00:00:25,858 --> 00:00:28,225
It's like,
be young forever.
12
00:00:28,227 --> 00:00:30,194
Uh, I need bloated
beach bodies.
13
00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:31,295
Scars.
(buzzer)
14
00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:32,396
Go!
Ted!
15
00:00:32,398 --> 00:00:34,632
Because I secretly want
to fuck you.
16
00:00:34,634 --> 00:00:35,633
I got Anthony Bourdain
17
00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:38,135
doing a pretty bad job
of hailing a cab.
18
00:00:38,137 --> 00:00:40,271
(man)
Anthony Bourdain!
19
00:00:42,407 --> 00:00:43,707
My foot's stuck!
20
00:00:43,709 --> 00:00:44,842
(man)
Anthony!
21
00:00:44,844 --> 00:00:45,576
Someone call 9-1-1.
22
00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:47,478
I just need one more person
to move this car!
23
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,113
Literally one more
person to move this car!
24
00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:52,483
(man)
Looks like he's gonna lose
a few body parts unknown.
25
00:00:52,485 --> 00:00:54,919
(man 2)
'Cause of that TV show,
"Parts Unknown."
26
00:00:54,921 --> 00:00:57,888
Anthony Bourdain,
what an asshole.
27
00:00:57,890 --> 00:00:58,589
(feigns laughing)
28
00:00:58,591 --> 00:00:59,890
Actual cockroach,
what do you got?
29
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,826
I got Demi Lovato's
housekeeper
30
00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:04,363
and she's eating
a Caesar salad.
31
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:04,897
(splat)
32
00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:08,133
(man)
See you next Tuesday, cunt.
33
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,969
(laughter)
34
00:01:13,005 --> 00:01:14,472
Oh, she deserved it!
35
00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:17,141
No offense,
but, if anyone else noticed,
36
00:01:17,143 --> 00:01:19,277
like, I'll say it,
she's not white.
37
00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:22,381
You guys, you're my friends even
if I don't pay you, right?
38
00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:23,549
I bet you do.
39
00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,651
I bet you do.
(chuckles)
40
00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:28,687
Now, who's fragile?
Who's in a bad place?
41
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:29,521
Who's on the brink?!
42
00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:31,190
Piece of shit,
what do you got?
43
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:31,957
I got Justin Long
44
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,893
giving a breakthrough
dramatic performance.
45
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:35,794
(man)
Hey, Justin!
46
00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:38,397
9/11 or 7-Eleven?
9/11 or 7-Eleven?
47
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:40,065
This is not a good time.
I'm burying my father.
48
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:42,634
Who are you wearing?
Who's your dad wearing?
49
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,937
Justin!
Justin, Justin!
50
00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:47,039
Justin!
Justin Long!
Thank you.
51
00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:50,809
Hey, bro, how come
you're so sad?
52
00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:53,879
Wahh, I miss my daddy!
53
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,448
(loud laughter)
54
00:02:01,154 --> 00:02:02,955
(cackling laugh)
55
00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:06,091
(fly buzzing)
56
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:13,432
(echoing)
Poor, unfortunate souls!
57
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,501
(laughter continues)
58
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:19,638
I don't know if I can
do this anymore!
59
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,006
(sobbing)
60
00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:24,343
♪♪
61
00:02:31,817 --> 00:02:33,117
Do you guys
watch TMZ?
62
00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:35,486
I've watched a couple of
ones that I've been on,
63
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:36,387
and they're bizarre.
64
00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:38,322
Like, any time
you're friends with someone
65
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:40,191
and they'll ask you
and they're like,
66
00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:41,292
they're like,
"Amber, Amber, Amber,
67
00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:44,428
did you see what Amy Schumer ate
for breakfast this morning?"
68
00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:47,431
You're like, "Pussy.
Next question."
69
00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:53,605
♪♪
70
00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:01,547
(alarm sounding)
71
00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:08,921
(phone alert)
72
00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:11,857
Oh, my gosh.
73
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,561
I'm the president!
74
00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:17,696
Holy shit!
75
00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:22,534
Oh, no!
76
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,136
No!
77
00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:27,439
I got my period
on my first day?
78
00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:30,309
(low voice)
Damn it.
79
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,877
(toilet flushes)
80
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:32,911
Okay, okay.
81
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:35,581
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay...
82
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:36,848
Okay, you can handle this.
83
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:38,784
It's not ideal
for the first day.
84
00:03:38,786 --> 00:03:39,818
It's not amazing.
85
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,888
But you can do anything.
You're the president.
86
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:43,922
(knocking on door)
87
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,090
(man)
Madame President.
88
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:46,658
We're calling
an emergency meeting
89
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,961
about the situation in Iran?
90
00:03:49,696 --> 00:03:51,930
I'll be out in a second!
91
00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:55,500
Come on, bitch.
92
00:03:55,502 --> 00:03:56,902
(deep sigh)
93
00:03:58,471 --> 00:04:00,572
Madame President,
I can see the benefits,
94
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,441
but we need to explore
all our options.
95
00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:04,576
We don't know if we have
enough NATO support
96
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:05,777
for sanctions at this point.
97
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,746
But militarily,
our choices are limited
98
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:11,316
to drone strikes
and strategic air...
99
00:04:11,318 --> 00:04:11,850
(sighs)
100
00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:14,086
I'm sorry,
does anyone have any Advil?
101
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:15,120
Excuse me?
I just--
102
00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,855
I have epic cramps
and I just--
103
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:21,026
Ugh, my mind is, like, mush,
right now, if I'm being real.
104
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:23,095
I'll get you Advil
right away, Madame.
105
00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:25,197
Thank you,
you are, like, my hero.
106
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:25,931
Now may I continue?
107
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,799
Yeah, but can you dim the lights
a little bit?
108
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:30,802
It's-- it's like--
It is crazy bright in here.
109
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,237
Do you want to maybe
hit that?
110
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,305
You're kinda closest.
111
00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:35,374
Of course.
Thank you.
112
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:37,009
That's great.
113
00:04:37,011 --> 00:04:38,910
Um, um,
up a little bit more.
114
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:41,813
Oh...
It's not nap time.
115
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,982
I'd split the difference.
116
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:47,486
That's great.
Thank you for that.
117
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:48,720
Okay.
118
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,589
So you were saying something?
119
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:53,225
Um, Iran
or something, Iraq?
120
00:04:53,227 --> 00:04:56,161
We need your support
in establishing
121
00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:58,196
the borders
of the no-fly zone.
122
00:04:58,198 --> 00:04:59,998
We are totally behind you
in that.
123
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,200
You just need to give us
something in return
124
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:04,002
with your export embargo.
125
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:06,571
That's the last piece
of chocolate.
126
00:05:06,573 --> 00:05:07,472
Excuse me?
127
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,708
Like, there's no more.
128
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,109
That's
the last piece.
129
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,210
You've been eating
all of them,
130
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:13,545
you could have just
at least asked me.
131
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:14,980
Can't you just ask
for more?
132
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,616
That's not the point!
133
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,051
Ugh.
134
00:05:19,053 --> 00:05:20,152
(sighs)
135
00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:24,323
Behind that door is the command
center for Adele Dazeem.
136
00:05:24,325 --> 00:05:26,291
He should be there.
137
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:27,626
(man)
Okay, this is it.
138
00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:29,428
Madame President,
permission to neutralize.
139
00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:31,663
You guys, I'm gonna
need to take five.
140
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:32,764
Madame President?
141
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,833
I have not changed
my tampon,
142
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,101
it is leaking.
143
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:37,169
Today's been a bear.
144
00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:38,537
Does anyone else
feel like that?
145
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:39,838
Madame President...
146
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,306
He's got--
He's gone!
147
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:43,342
He slipped away!
Damn it!
148
00:05:43,344 --> 00:05:44,743
Stop yelling at me!
149
00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:47,446
Why are you being
so mean?
150
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,481
You guys,
I can't be president
151
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:52,017
because I got my period!
152
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,019
Ugh!
153
00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:57,923
Does anyone have anything
they want to say to me?
154
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:06,498
Like, maybe an "I'm sorry,"
and "You're my president"?
155
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:07,866
Your hair looks good.
156
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,302
(soft voice)
Thank you.
157
00:06:10,304 --> 00:06:12,237
Thank you.
158
00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:27,319
(female announcer)
It isn't anyone's business
but yours,
159
00:06:27,321 --> 00:06:29,388
but if your period
starts at work,
160
00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:33,825
keeping your dirty little secret
private is almost impossible.
161
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:40,132
Because when you're hiding
a bulky tampon in your sleeve,
162
00:06:40,134 --> 00:06:42,100
that walk from your desk
to the bathroom
163
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:45,670
suddenly feels
a million miles long.
164
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:46,605
(distant scream)
165
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:50,675
By the time you get there,
everyone knows...
166
00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:54,980
there's some blood
coming out of your vagina.
167
00:06:55,815 --> 00:06:57,682
It's so embarrassing.
168
00:06:57,684 --> 00:07:00,752
If only there was
a solution.
169
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:01,753
(saxophone music playing)
170
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:04,489
Wish that could have gone
differently, huh?
171
00:07:04,491 --> 00:07:05,490
Oh, yeah.
172
00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:08,059
You need Tampo,
from Baker Street,
173
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,528
discreet feminine hiders.
174
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:11,463
Tampo?
What's that?
175
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:13,331
It's a discreet carrying case
for your tampon
176
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:15,000
so no one notices
when you have your period.
177
00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:18,403
(female announcer)
Our patented jazz saxophone
design guarantees
178
00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:21,106
that your tampon will go
totally unnoticed.
179
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,508
Other saxophone-based
tampon holders
180
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:26,411
store your feminine product
right in the bill.
181
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:27,813
That could be a major problem.
182
00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:30,215
But at Baker Street,
we thought ahead
183
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:32,217
to ensure complete discretion.
184
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:34,753
Discretion?
I'm in!
185
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:35,420
Great.
186
00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:36,955
Let's take it
from the top.
187
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,423
A-two, three, four...
188
00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:42,060
(saxophone music resumes)
189
00:07:47,166 --> 00:07:48,600
Yeah.
190
00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:53,138
Hey, Amy.
(music stops)
191
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:55,574
Yeah?
192
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,809
When you get a chance,
could you help me
193
00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,145
code my third-quarter
Excel sheets?
194
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,780
You're such a whiz at that.
195
00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:04,516
Sure thing, Daddy-O.
196
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,351
(whispers)
Daddy-O.
197
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:07,018
(music resumes)
198
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,888
(female announcer)
Tampo also comes with
step-by-step instructions
199
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:15,460
on how to teach yourself jazz,
you know, just in case.
200
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:16,495
(music continues)
201
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:17,963
(man)
Hey, you!
(music stops)
202
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:19,764
Let's hear you play.
203
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:22,534
Are you really
a saxophone nut,
204
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:24,069
or do you just have
your per--
205
00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:26,671
(music resumes)
206
00:08:37,884 --> 00:08:40,452
That was awesome.
Are you in a band?
207
00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:42,988
(female announcer)
Each Tampo comes with a CD-ROM
208
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:46,424
full of flyer templates
for you to personalize.
209
00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:49,127
Come on out
and see us sometime.
210
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:51,763
Right on.
211
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:52,797
(music continues)
212
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:55,967
(female announcer)
When your period gives you
the blues,
213
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:56,735
turn up the Tampo.
214
00:08:56,737 --> 00:09:01,039
From the makers of Baker Street
discreet brown towel,
215
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,707
for period sex.
216
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:06,177
I had no idea Amy was
so good at jazz.
217
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:09,848
And she never gets
her period.
218
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,924
How do you feel
about period sex?
219
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,025
Ugh, blech.
220
00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:20,759
Doesn't exist to me.
221
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,527
Unless you mean 1800,
I'm not touching her.
222
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:23,762
What is wrong with you?
223
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:25,130
Won't do it,
won't do it.
No, never doing that.
224
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:27,632
I don't need my whole room
smelling like pennies.
225
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:29,801
So you guys--
(men laughing)
226
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,182
Can I help you
find something?
227
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,150
Um, yeah.
228
00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:47,185
Do you have this
in a larger size?
229
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,954
Have what?
In what?
230
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:53,091
Uh, this shirt in--
in a larger size?
231
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,759
Have you checked
under the table?
232
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:57,596
No.
Good luck.
233
00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:02,801
So?
234
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:05,370
I-- I just got
down here.
235
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:06,538
Oh.
236
00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:07,706
Any luck?
237
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:08,907
Um, no, these--
238
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:10,175
These are even smaller.
239
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:11,876
Could you keep
your voice down?
240
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:14,079
You're scaring
the thinner customers.
241
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:14,813
Oh, sorry.
242
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:16,314
Can I help you find
something else?
243
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,415
Maybe some jewelry.
244
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:20,218
No.
I just need a--
245
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:23,154
Just, just this
in a size 12.
246
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,790
Like, a UK 12?
247
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,859
Which is a U.S. 8.
248
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:28,994
Or like a Japanese 12?
249
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,862
Which is an American
toddler 3.
250
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:33,565
Is that true--
No, no, I just--
251
00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:36,501
Just this in a...
252
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,836
12, a U.S. 12.
253
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:41,873
I could call the Midwest
for you?
254
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,074
(distant cowbell)
255
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:45,343
(sighs)
Oh, where is my head?
256
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:49,781
We have a whole section
for your... situation.
257
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,549
Follow me.
258
00:10:53,552 --> 00:10:56,221
Please don't touch
that anymore.
259
00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:03,361
What?
260
00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:05,764
Where the fuck am I?
261
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:06,998
Amy?
262
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,033
Lena?
263
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:09,300
Hi!
264
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:10,769
It's so good to see you.
265
00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:13,104
Okay, so I asked
for a turtleneck,
266
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,005
they brought me here.
267
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,807
That was, like,
three months ago.
268
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:16,608
What? Wha--
269
00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:18,576
What is a cow
doing here?
270
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:19,411
Oh, she's shopping.
271
00:11:19,413 --> 00:11:21,246
It's her daughter's
bat mitzvah.
272
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,348
Is that the AIDS quilt?
273
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,949
Mm-hmm,
Mindy Kaling returned it
274
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:26,551
after she wore it
to the Golden Globes.
275
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,820
Oh, she looked so warm.
Mm-hmm.
276
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:30,555
(woman)
Ma'am?
277
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,290
Do you wanna try this on?
278
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,859
That is a tarp
for wood.
279
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:35,560
Yeah.
280
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:38,296
It's perfect for covering
your pool or...
281
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:39,831
your problem areas.
282
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,866
Here.
Oh, okay.
283
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,535
It looks good, Amy.
284
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:44,302
Really?
Yeah.
285
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,805
Mm-hmm.
I'll--
I'll take it.
286
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:47,305
Great.
287
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:50,275
Let's get you to the register
before the storm comes.
288
00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:53,044
Bye.
Bye.
289
00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:57,716
Twister is a-comin'.
290
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,486
Daisy?!
291
00:12:03,522 --> 00:12:04,355
Thanks.
292
00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:08,026
Why is there a mall pretzel
in the bag?
293
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:11,062
Oh, we assume that's where
you'd be going next.
294
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:14,399
That is really offensive.
295
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,434
I can take it out
if you want.
No.
296
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:17,469
But just for the future,
297
00:12:17,471 --> 00:12:20,238
just, like, know that
that is offensive.
298
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,874
Do you want dipping sauce?
Yeah.
299
00:12:35,653 --> 00:12:37,821
I am so glad that
we're doing this.
300
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:41,091
It's so important that
we get out of the city, right?
301
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:42,059
We can catch up and, you know,
302
00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:44,995
remember that Manhattan isn't
the whole world.
303
00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:46,797
Isn't it, though?
Yeah.
304
00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:48,098
(laughter)
305
00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:48,999
You're so funny.
306
00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:51,268
Totally, I've missed
you guys so much.
307
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:52,069
Me too.
308
00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:53,337
Natasha, are you still
dating Jeremy?
309
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:56,640
No, it turned out he was,
like, a total sociopath.
310
00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:57,307
What happened?
311
00:12:57,309 --> 00:12:58,542
We were watching
the entire season
312
00:12:58,544 --> 00:12:59,610
of "Game of Thrones"
together, right?
313
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,746
That's sweet, and then he goes
and he watches one without me.
314
00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:05,282
Just watched it
without you?
315
00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:06,917
Oh, yeah.
No.
316
00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:07,584
Total sociopath.
317
00:13:07,586 --> 00:13:09,753
I read an article about a book
about that once, okay?
318
00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:10,788
You are so lucky
you got out.
319
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:14,591
Uh, Amy, how about that
architect you were dating?
320
00:13:14,593 --> 00:13:16,593
What's it like to fuck
an architect?
321
00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:17,427
Seems like it'd be better.
322
00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:21,732
Yeah, it is, it is better,
but we broke up.
323
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:23,801
Because I am sorry to say
324
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:27,738
that Martin was, like,
a textbook borderline.
325
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,106
I'm so sorry.
326
00:13:29,108 --> 00:13:31,175
What textbook?
327
00:13:31,177 --> 00:13:34,611
So I'm a fucking liar, Abby?
328
00:13:34,613 --> 00:13:35,579
No.
329
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:37,047
For your information--
Hi.
330
00:13:37,049 --> 00:13:40,217
For your information, we were,
like, perfect in the beginning.
331
00:13:40,219 --> 00:13:41,985
Everything was, like, amazing,
332
00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:44,922
and then out
of literally nowhere,
333
00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:49,126
he was, like, crazy late
to my pre-birthday party.
334
00:13:49,128 --> 00:13:50,961
Wow.
Oh, wow.
335
00:13:50,963 --> 00:13:51,862
I'm so sorry.
336
00:13:51,864 --> 00:13:54,364
And I was like, oh, you're
trying to destroy me.
337
00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:55,766
It's like
that Jesus saying,
338
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:56,967
"Do unto others
on your birthday
339
00:13:56,969 --> 00:13:58,502
like you would have them
treat you on your birthday."
340
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:03,106
Yeah, it's like, live every day
like it's your last birthday.
341
00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:07,778
Dance like no one knows
it's your last birthday.
342
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:13,483
And, oh, also, he called
the Internet "the interwebs."
343
00:14:13,485 --> 00:14:14,518
Oh, please.
344
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,988
So he was obviously
on the spectrum.
345
00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:19,289
Which spectrum?
346
00:14:19,291 --> 00:14:20,924
Fuck you, Abby!
347
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:21,892
Are you Lee Patton Oswalt?
348
00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:23,694
Why don't you back
the fuck up?
349
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,162
Are you trying to destroy me?
350
00:14:25,164 --> 00:14:26,263
No, I am not, Amy.
351
00:14:26,265 --> 00:14:28,866
Um, anyway,
I totally met somebody.
352
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,668
That's nice.
Yeah, yeah, it is nice.
353
00:14:31,670 --> 00:14:32,502
Where'd you meet him?
354
00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:34,638
I pretty much just followed
and unfollowed him on Twitter
355
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,173
until he finally noticed me.
356
00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:37,507
Oh, my God,
are you fucking Amélie?
357
00:14:37,509 --> 00:14:40,043
That's the most adorable
thing I've ever heard.
358
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,312
He does have a "Rain Man" thing
going on, though.
359
00:14:42,314 --> 00:14:43,780
Autism.
No.
360
00:14:43,782 --> 00:14:45,148
His name is Dustin.
361
00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:45,816
Oh, my God.
362
00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:47,751
I'm sorry,
but at a certain age,
363
00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:48,652
your name is your choice.
364
00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:50,287
You know what, we're probably
gonna break up anyway.
365
00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:53,457
You know, he has a really
addictive personality.
366
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:54,925
He's a raging chocoholic.
367
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:56,059
I'm sorry.
368
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:58,729
Um, I thought only
women got that.
369
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,631
It was like
a joke problem.
370
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,466
What?
Abby, men get it too.
371
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,835
There's just so much more
shame associated with it.
372
00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:07,537
Okay, I'm really ashamed
of him.
373
00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:09,273
I'm ashamed of you, Abby.
374
00:15:09,275 --> 00:15:10,574
You're a bad person.
375
00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,075
Do you hate women?
376
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,277
No.
377
00:15:13,279 --> 00:15:15,646
Anyway, what's Brian like?
378
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:18,715
Um...
You know, I don't know.
379
00:15:18,717 --> 00:15:19,983
Are these red flags?
380
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:23,186
He has zero empathy,
he sets fires,
381
00:15:23,188 --> 00:15:25,289
he tortures
small animals.
382
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:27,391
He wets himself
on purpose,
383
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:29,793
and he's really, really
manipulative.
384
00:15:29,795 --> 00:15:30,360
Thoughts?
385
00:15:30,362 --> 00:15:32,429
I don't know, I mean,
he sounds really interesting.
386
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:35,499
I think you're just projecting
your fear of abandonment.
387
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:38,335
(Amy)
Abby, a red flag...
388
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:41,605
is just a green light
you're afraid of.
389
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:44,308
Go to him.
390
00:15:47,512 --> 00:15:49,713
Well, he is my dad.
391
00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:51,682
(all)
Aww!
392
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:53,951
Boo!
393
00:15:58,489 --> 00:16:01,024
So, M.E.,
you are a sociopath.
394
00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:03,360
I am, yes,
diagnosed sociopath.
395
00:16:03,362 --> 00:16:04,227
Let's talk about it.
396
00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:06,396
You asked us to alter
your appearance?
397
00:16:06,398 --> 00:16:07,664
Right.
Why is that?
398
00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:08,565
I don't know if you know,
399
00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:11,568
there's, like, a little bit
of a stigma about sociopaths.
400
00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:13,770
Yeah, there's, like,
a little stigma.
401
00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:14,538
Yeah.
So, I mean--
402
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,707
Oh, my God, cool, let's
invite her to our party.
403
00:16:16,709 --> 00:16:17,474
Right, exactly.
404
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:18,508
I know you've done
some television
405
00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:20,811
and you've written a book and--
What's your book called?
406
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,279
It's called
"Confessions of a Sociopath:
407
00:16:22,281 --> 00:16:24,781
A Life Spent Hiding
in Plain Sight," yeah.
408
00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:26,717
What does it mean
to be a sociopath?
409
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,685
Basically, it's like
moral insanity.
410
00:16:28,687 --> 00:16:29,853
You don't have
a conscience.
411
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:33,090
I would say the defining traits
are a lack of empathy.
412
00:16:33,092 --> 00:16:35,258
You don't necessarily
feel guilt.
413
00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:38,895
Now, I have informally been
diagnosed as a cunt.
414
00:16:38,897 --> 00:16:41,331
Oh, really?
There's been no doctors,
but it's--
415
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:44,234
You hear a word enough
and you think it's possible.
416
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:47,170
There you go.
So, flying colors for me.
417
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:49,206
What was one of the first things
you remember where--
418
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:52,209
where people were like, why
don't you feel bad about this?
419
00:16:52,211 --> 00:16:53,810
I think I was like
six or seven, eight,
420
00:16:53,812 --> 00:16:55,078
we were watching
something on TV,
421
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,480
it was this little boy,
he was crying,
422
00:16:56,482 --> 00:16:58,749
something horrible had happened
to him, whatever it was,
423
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,817
and I was kind of laughing
and making fun of him,
424
00:17:00,819 --> 00:17:02,919
and my dad was, like,
horrified and said,
425
00:17:02,921 --> 00:17:04,521
you know,
"Have you no empathy?"
426
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:05,455
And that was the first time
427
00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:07,257
that I had heard
that word used, "empathy,"
428
00:17:07,259 --> 00:17:10,160
and I thought, I-- I don't
know if I have empathy.
429
00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:11,928
I guess I don't.
What was happening
with the boy?
430
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:14,965
I don't know, you know,
like, had his parents die
431
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,133
or, you know,
something horrible.
432
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:17,367
Something bullshit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
433
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:18,902
some local news story,
exactly.
434
00:17:18,904 --> 00:17:24,074
Um, what is the worst thing,
you would say,
435
00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:24,908
you've ever done
436
00:17:24,910 --> 00:17:26,476
that people were, like,
"That's not okay"?
437
00:17:26,478 --> 00:17:28,912
I have always had very
terrible moral judgment.
438
00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:30,580
Mm-hmm.
It's hard for me--
439
00:17:30,582 --> 00:17:31,515
You know, I'll do something
440
00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:33,150
and then people will be
outraged and it's--
441
00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:34,885
Like what?
Uh, I don't know,
442
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,187
like abandoning my friend
who had cancer,
443
00:17:37,189 --> 00:17:40,057
you know, stealing
somebody's bike, you know...
444
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:40,757
You stole a bike?
445
00:17:40,759 --> 00:17:43,360
I've probably stolen,
like... 20 bikes.
446
00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:44,828
Really?
(laughs)
447
00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:45,729
What do you do with them?
448
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:46,897
I just, like, use them
and then I--
449
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,698
Sometimes I put them back.
Often, I put them back.
450
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:52,502
So really, Citi Bikes is
not a new thing for you.
No.
451
00:17:52,504 --> 00:17:54,371
When people find out
your diagnosis,
452
00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:55,572
are they afraid of you?
453
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:58,141
I think that people hear
the word "sociopath"
454
00:17:58,143 --> 00:18:00,010
and in their mind,
they think killer.
455
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:00,844
Where did that come from?
456
00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:04,114
Like, um, Hollywood
writers being lazy.
457
00:18:04,116 --> 00:18:06,650
You don't have to tell me.
Yeah, why did that--
458
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:07,217
Yeah.
459
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:09,219
Why did that person
do that bad thing?
460
00:18:09,221 --> 00:18:10,153
They're a sociopath.
461
00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:11,455
Have you ever been violent?
462
00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:14,124
I wouldn't think of myself
as being terribly violent,
463
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:16,226
but if you ask me questions
like, have you--
464
00:18:16,228 --> 00:18:18,361
did you used to get in fights
when you were little,
465
00:18:18,363 --> 00:18:20,097
like, or have you ever
killed a small animal,
466
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,599
then I would be answering yes
to those questions.
467
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:24,067
What small animal?
468
00:18:24,069 --> 00:18:25,235
I start off the book
talking about
469
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:26,870
drowning a baby opossum
in my pool.
470
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:29,539
Well, possums are gross.
Yes, that's what I thought.
471
00:18:29,541 --> 00:18:33,710
What do you think is the biggest
misconception about sociopaths?
472
00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:37,647
Honestly, I think that
empathy is so important.
473
00:18:37,649 --> 00:18:38,682
That empathy...
474
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,183
Everyone's all about
their empathy.
475
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:41,384
Who cares?
They really are, yeah.
476
00:18:41,386 --> 00:18:43,487
Let's say I suddenly
take away your empathy...
477
00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:44,588
Mm-hmm.
...what are you gonna do?
478
00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:45,822
The very next day,
you're gonna go out
479
00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:47,824
and kill your neighbor
just, just because?
480
00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:48,592
Right.
No.
481
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:51,128
Yeah, you don't all of a sudden
want to kill somebody.
482
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,763
What is something that
you would want people to know?
483
00:18:53,765 --> 00:18:55,332
You know, a sociopath
doesn't mean just evil.
484
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:57,667
You know, there are plenty
of sociopaths out there
485
00:18:57,669 --> 00:18:58,468
doing good in the world.
486
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:00,270
I see a lot of sociopaths
who are CEOs,
487
00:19:00,272 --> 00:19:02,472
you see a lot of sociopaths
who are politicians.
488
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:03,840
There are also
a lot of sociopaths
489
00:19:03,842 --> 00:19:04,774
who are surgeons, you know?
490
00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:07,310
If you're empathizing
with somebody as you're
cutting into them,
491
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:08,578
that's-- that's not
a good thing.
492
00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:10,380
Yeah, but it can be
a good thing.
Soldiers.
493
00:19:10,382 --> 00:19:11,548
Definitely can be
a good thing.
494
00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:13,316
What type of things do
make you cry?
495
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,886
Do you know
the last time you cried?
Onions, cutting onions.
496
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:18,021
Art makes me cry,
music makes me cry,
497
00:19:18,023 --> 00:19:21,124
anything that's kind of
either beautiful or, uh,
498
00:19:21,126 --> 00:19:22,726
kind of, I guess,
beautiful in the negative.
499
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:24,494
You're good at reading people.
What do you read about me?
500
00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,496
I mean, I think it's
interesting that you have
501
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:27,898
your sister here
working with you
502
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,399
and the way that
she interacts with you,
503
00:19:29,401 --> 00:19:33,336
and it's probably
that you can take things
easier from your sister,
504
00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:36,173
like, criticisms, than you can
take from other people.
505
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:39,609
She's the one who actually
diagnosed me as a cunt.
506
00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:40,410
Really?
Yeah.
507
00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:42,946
So she would know.
She would know.
508
00:19:49,086 --> 00:19:50,921
You and I think
that we're psychologists.
509
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,789
I don't know if you do.
I think so, though.
510
00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:54,224
Like, do you just
diagnose people
511
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:55,258
with personality disorders?
512
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:56,526
Oh, all the fucking time.
513
00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:57,961
Everybody I--
I call my friends
514
00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:00,263
and I'm like, yeah,
he's definitely bipolar.
515
00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:01,798
Right, right.
Everybody's borderline.
516
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:02,999
I'm like, well,
he's a bordie.
517
00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:04,134
Of course he's acting
like that.
518
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:08,238
But I also like using those
as a way to, uh, make sure--
519
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:09,673
I make sure that
they don't diagnose me
520
00:20:09,675 --> 00:20:11,575
and I'm like, and if you
think I'm a narcissist,
521
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:14,377
here are the reasons
that I am not.
522
00:20:16,314 --> 00:20:18,848
(Amy)
Throw something over Lena!
523
00:20:18,850 --> 00:20:20,450
I'm okay!
524
00:20:20,452 --> 00:20:21,685
(Amy laughs)
525
00:20:21,687 --> 00:20:23,153
This is my choice!
526
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:24,688
(Amy laughing)
527
00:20:25,489 --> 00:20:27,090
Aah!
528
00:20:30,294 --> 00:20:31,561
(crew laughing)
529
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:32,896
(woman)
So easy.
530
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,631
(man)
Mmm, magic.
531
00:20:36,601 --> 00:20:39,336
I like that blue.
It's a nice blue.
532
00:20:39,338 --> 00:20:41,738
Exact color as my eyes.
533
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:44,140
Well, well, it brings out
your cheeks,
534
00:20:44,142 --> 00:20:46,376
the pink in your cheeks
and the blue, it's--
535
00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:50,213
What the fuck does
that mean, Reg?!
536
00:20:50,215 --> 00:20:52,349
(laughter)
37947
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