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1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:01,502
.
2
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:04,438
[ticking]
3
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:12,213
- Mm, he's, uh--
4
00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:14,348
he's on his way,
I just texted him, so--
5
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:18,552
- Did he text you back?
- Nope.
6
00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:20,288
Nope.
7
00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:22,690
- All right, everybody.
Start to shut up.
8
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:25,093
Ralph, what brings you here?
9
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:27,261
- You're late.
I'm--I'm covering for you.
10
00:00:27,295 --> 00:00:28,796
It's school policy.
You can't leave
11
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,231
these students unattended.
12
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:32,133
- Is that a real rule?
That's nuts.
13
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,135
- He literally leaves us alone
all the time.
14
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,803
- Uh, narc much?
[chuckles]
15
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:38,206
- Just--just try to be on time.
16
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:41,709
- All right, yeah.
Totally.
17
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:43,511
Come on, dude.
18
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:47,448
Is it--ah! Just gonna get
some, uh-- [sighs]
19
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:48,716
both: Hey!
20
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:50,384
- Jack, where are you goin'?
21
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:53,287
- Uh, I need SunChips.
- We just discussed this.
22
00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:55,556
You--you can't just leave
because you want chips.
23
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,225
- Ah, come on.
24
00:00:57,258 --> 00:01:04,298
*
25
00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:06,434
So I had
an interesting morning.
26
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,336
As I was pulling out
of my dead mom's driveway,
27
00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:11,505
I turned on my number one NPR
voice crush, Terry Gross,
28
00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:14,575
only to find that she was
interviewing my rival, Miles.
29
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:16,410
I was so distracted
by this injustice
30
00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,812
that I accidentally
backed over a possum.
31
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,248
Specifically, his lower half.
32
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,316
He was flat
from about here down.
33
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:24,218
And he was shouting, uh,
a lot.
34
00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,886
And this presented me
with an interesting
35
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,455
philosophical dilemma.
36
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:30,558
Was it kinder to let
this animal slowly die
37
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:33,861
or to bash it to death
with a big wrench?
38
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:35,463
And once I'd done so,
I turned and saw
39
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:36,797
that one of the
possum's relatives
40
00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:38,132
was staring right at me.
41
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,467
He witnessed the entire thing.
42
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,169
This presented me
with another beautiful
43
00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,337
philosophical dilemma.
44
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:46,707
Was it kinder to let
this new possum be driven mad
45
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,876
by what he'd seen,
or do I bash him to death
46
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:50,744
with a giant wrench as well?
47
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,346
Needless to say,
my morning became
48
00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,248
a veritable killing field
situation.
49
00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,617
And now I'm going
to have to power wash
50
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,886
my dead mom's driveway.
51
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:01,155
Yeah.
- Awesome.
52
00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:02,590
- Sounds like you were
lashing out
53
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,392
'cause you were angry
that Miles has a best-seller.
54
00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:06,227
- Marcus, you of all people
should be able to discern
55
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,628
when I'm lashing out.
56
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,630
- Maybe you should
write your own best-seller.
57
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,365
- I've considered that.
58
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:12,833
It's just difficult to get any
work done in this town,
59
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:16,136
with its possums
and their screams.
60
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:20,608
There was so much...screaming.
61
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:23,677
[ticking]
62
00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,514
I need SunChips.
63
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:27,815
[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]
64
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,783
- One, two, three, four!
65
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,420
- * Next time
I'll listen to my heart *
66
00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:35,289
* Next time
well, I'll be smart *
67
00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:42,530
*
68
00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:48,236
- Book ideas?
You writing a book, Jack?
69
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:50,304
- Oh, just getting down
some thoughts.
70
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:52,240
- Oh, you know what
kind of books I like?
71
00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:54,875
Sex mysteries.
- Mm-hmm. Like "Gone Girl"
72
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,477
and "Girl on the Train."
- Mm-hmm.
73
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,546
- Anything where there's a girl
and she's missing
74
00:02:58,579 --> 00:02:59,947
or ideally, dead.
75
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,882
- Yes, yes. Ooh, okay,
so you know what
76
00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:02,983
your book could be about?
77
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,418
Three women who are best
friends,
78
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,754
but then the Asian one
gets taken.
79
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:08,356
- [whispering] For sex.
80
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,591
- Jack, come on!
- Oops.
81
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:11,859
all: Ooh!
- Busted. [laughs]
82
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:13,427
- Dirty man!
83
00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:15,296
- This policy is there
for your protection.
84
00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:18,266
You're responsible if something
happens to one of your students
85
00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:19,700
while you're out
toodling around.
86
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,402
- Ralph, Ralph, these kids
are teenagers.
87
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,337
You think they can't be left
alone for two seconds?
88
00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:24,872
[clattering]
- Go!
89
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:28,642
- Are you okay?
What happened?
90
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,311
- How did this happen?
91
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,580
- He fell. We were playing
Jelly Bean Quidditch.
92
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,348
- Yeah, it's where you
stand on your desk
93
00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:35,716
and throw jelly beans
in each other's mouths.
94
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,885
- How is that Quidditch?
Where's the golden snitch?
95
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,887
- So nerdy.
- Ah--it--nerdy.
96
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,522
- Victor? Victor?
97
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,491
You okay, buddy?
You wanna hop up there?
98
00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:44,825
- You know,
this all happened
99
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,560
because Mr. Griffin
left us unattended.
100
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,462
He can't do that.
School policy.
101
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:51,299
- Yes, Sarika,
thank you for taking
102
00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:52,766
what I said earlier
and shouting it at me.
103
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,636
Okay, let's take this
to my office.
104
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,274
- Concussion test.
105
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,476
Pupils not dilated.
106
00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:03,944
Eyelashes are gorgeous.
107
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,013
That is not fair.
Gimme, gimme.
108
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,582
Impulse control.
On the count of three,
109
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:10,818
look right into here
and do not blink, okay?
110
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,052
Wah!
111
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,687
- Okay, this is bad.
All right, Victor
112
00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:15,956
could be hurt,
the school could get sued.
113
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:17,558
It's--it's like
you only care
114
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,393
about yourself, Jack.
- Technically, deep down,
115
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:20,828
we all only care
about ourselves.
116
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:23,030
Psychological egoism.
- Well, you know what?
117
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,466
I happen to care
about this school.
118
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,967
But--but yeah,
you don't respect that.
119
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,336
And--and frankly, I don't--
120
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:29,570
I don't think
you respect me.
121
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,405
- Oh, come on, Ralph.
You know we coo.
122
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:33,874
- No, I don't know that.
Are we coo?
123
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:35,776
- I'm gonna take Victor
back to class.
124
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:39,046
He's still a bit slow, but I
think that was already there.
125
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,415
- Ah, yeah.
126
00:04:41,449 --> 00:04:42,916
- Wait, who's with
the kids right now?
127
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,652
- Oh, God, we left them
alone again!
128
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:46,620
- That's hilarious.
- Jack, plea--
129
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:48,856
Helen, go cover for me.
- I also called
130
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:51,925
the teacher's union and the rep
is here to see Jack.
131
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,927
- Which one--wa--not Kim.
132
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:54,928
Not Kim.
133
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,397
Oh, God, please not Kim.
134
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:57,965
Not Kim, please, not Kim.
135
00:04:57,998 --> 00:05:00,568
Hey! Kim!
What's up?
136
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:02,069
- Jack, don't say another word.
137
00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:04,705
Ralph, get out.
- The room is yours.
138
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,510
- Tums?
- No, I'm good.
139
00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:10,844
- I'm freakin' addicted.
140
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:14,548
My name is Kim Burke
and as your union rep,
141
00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:17,651
I am always on the side
of the teacher.
142
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,654
I don't care if you did
kill that kid.
143
00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:22,556
[chuckles]
I don't wanna know.
144
00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:24,858
As I see it,
you have two options.
145
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,094
Or, as I like to call them...
146
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:28,596
doors.
147
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:29,830
Huh?
148
00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,565
Door number one:
149
00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:34,502
admit you're at fault,
take a one week,
150
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:35,869
unpaid suspension.
151
00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:39,740
However, this could go
on your permanent record.
152
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,475
So--
- Eh.
153
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:46,146
- Then there's door--
or option--two.
154
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,581
We fight it!
155
00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:50,117
You should know,
this could take a while.
156
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,686
Because there will be
an investigation.
157
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,455
Right, and while
all that's going on,
158
00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:56,590
you won't be allowed
back in that classroom.
159
00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:57,958
- Say more about that.
160
00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,860
- You'd be in something
called teacher jail,
161
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:02,563
which is basically a trailer
where you sit around all day.
162
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:03,997
But that could take
a couple months.
163
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,866
- That's a long time
to not get paid.
164
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,101
- Oh, who said that?
You would get paid.
165
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,137
Full salary.
166
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:11,605
- You know what?
167
00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:13,641
It feels wrong
sweeping this under the rug.
168
00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:15,643
I'd be willing to stay
in that damn jail
169
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,811
for as long as it takes
to make this right.
170
00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,613
- [whispering]
Say the words, Jack,
171
00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:24,418
and I will unleash the dogs.
172
00:06:24,452 --> 00:06:26,086
- Kim...
173
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:29,690
unleash the dogs.
- [howling]
174
00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:35,963
.
175
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:36,497
- This is teacher jail.
176
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:41,068
- Yeah, I bet I can guess
what some of these guys did.
177
00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,670
[chuckles]
- Right now, I'm taking you
178
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,938
off my team and handing you
over to the coach.
179
00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:46,940
He's gonna take it from here.
180
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,642
- All right.
181
00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:50,944
- Here's the rules, Kemosabe:
182
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,480
Number one, every day
you're here,
183
00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:55,415
you've gotta sign in.
184
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,518
- Sorry, I was waiting
for number two.
185
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,620
Okay. All right.
186
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:06,827
*
187
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,803
[percussive music]
188
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:18,572
- How we feeling?
189
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:19,907
Been through so much.
190
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,875
That's why Principal Durbin
has entrusted me
191
00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:24,878
with the sacred duty to--
as he would say--
192
00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:26,146
just take care of it, Helen.
193
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:28,081
So I went on my computer
and I searched
194
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,584
for every available sub
in the district.
195
00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:34,154
And I think I found someone
that you're really gonna love.
196
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,991
Come on in, don't be shy.
Come on.
197
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,828
Tada! It's me.
198
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:43,964
You think I'd leave you guys
with a stranger?
199
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:46,033
I'm gonna teach you
what I know.
200
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,201
Starting with the gorgeous
velveteen labyrinth
201
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:51,672
that is the female
reproductive system.
202
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:54,141
This is my cervix.
203
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:57,511
Who can tell me the five things
that are wrong with it?
204
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,280
- Okay, ladies.
205
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,584
I'm trying to get a sense of
the culture around here.
206
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:04,785
Nobody?
- Mm-mm.
207
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,186
- All right, then.
208
00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,722
Is everybody following
the supervision policy?
209
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:12,292
- I do. Other people may leave
their class sometimes.
210
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,928
Not me. Not even if
I have to use the bathroom.
211
00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:17,598
I just control it.
- She's so dedicated.
212
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,132
- Oh, she's amazing.
- She's a queen.
213
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,200
- She has pooped her pants
a couple of times.
214
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:21,635
- Wait, what?
- I have.
215
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,671
But I just borrow
some red track pants
216
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:24,738
from lost and found.
217
00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:26,139
I wash them
and put them back.
218
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,009
- Nobody wants those now.
- Let the lost be lost.
219
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,011
- Hey! Hey, Durbin!
220
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:33,681
Come back here! Durbin!
221
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,248
Where you going?
222
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:37,718
- Hey, what do you got there?
223
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,086
- This?
224
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:40,888
This is my dog chow.
225
00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,890
- Your--your what?
226
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,626
- The dogs are loose.
227
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:46,894
- What--what dogs?
228
00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,562
- Jack wants to fight his case.
229
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:52,165
So you can just wipe that
smug look right off your face.
230
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,767
- Why do you hate me so much?
231
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:55,002
- Because you're weak.
232
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,870
And I don't trust you
with my teachers.
233
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:58,972
You don't deserve
to be their principal.
234
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,808
Just like you didn't deserve
235
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,309
to be captain
of the Glee Club.
236
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,645
- Okay, Kim, that was
25 years ago.
237
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:06,179
- I don't care!
- You gotta let it go!
238
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,882
- No! Mr. K felt sorry for you.
239
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:10,918
Everybody knows
it should've been...
240
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:16,156
* me
241
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:19,126
Yeah. I see you for what
you really are, Durbin.
242
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,894
You're no leader of men.
243
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:23,063
You're nothing but
a cutie patootie.
244
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,065
- You know what?
I may be a cutie patootie,
245
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,167
but I'm still the boss
around here.
246
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,603
And you were flatting.
Good day.
247
00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:30,237
- [gasps]
248
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,639
- [grunts]
- Uh!
249
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,707
- Oh, my God.
250
00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:37,945
- Mm-mm.
251
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,848
- Wh--whatcha workin' on?
252
00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:44,818
- Uh, I'm trying to come up
with ideas for a new book.
253
00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:47,688
Philosophy--but I'm not quite
sure where to begin.
254
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:53,126
- Plato says, "All philosophy
begins in wonder."
255
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,362
- You know Plato.
- I dabble.
256
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:59,066
- Jack.
- Oh, Philip.
257
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,034
Homemade shortbread?
258
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:03,370
- Yes.
[both laugh]
259
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,105
- Wow. Mmm.
260
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:06,306
What are you here for?
261
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:07,708
- You ready for this?
- Hm?
262
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:09,743
- I tickled some of
the other teachers.
263
00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:11,845
[both laugh]
264
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,146
- Why?
- What can I say?
265
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,716
I'm a tickler.
I love to make people laugh,
266
00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:17,117
but I don't know any jokes.
267
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,219
- Hm.
- It only takes one person,
268
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,121
though, to call you
a teacher tickler.
269
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,256
And true or not,
you're ruined.
270
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,192
- Mm.
- You are ruined.
271
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,227
- But it was true?
- Very much.
272
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:28,696
- Mm.
- Yeah.
273
00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,831
So, what have you got
so far on this book?
274
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,299
- Ohh--
I don't know.
275
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:34,134
Something about
the distortion of the ego
276
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,970
that comes from late
capitalism's denial of death.
277
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,171
- Mind if I type this down?
278
00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:41,074
I mean, it may help
to have someone else
279
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:43,744
tickle the keyboard.
- [laughs]
280
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:46,146
Yeah, I'd like that.
281
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:51,785
- Great. Let's dispel
some common myths.
282
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,754
Pull-out method.
Don't work.
283
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:55,355
Menopause, not real.
284
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,425
Vaginal orgasm,
gimme a break.
285
00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:00,894
- I thought we were gonna
get a real teacher.
286
00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:02,262
- You think I wanted this?
287
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:05,032
- I'm gonna need a volunteer.
Let me see.
288
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,935
Somebody maybe in the very,
very back.
289
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:11,004
How about, uh, Anthony.
290
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,439
Come on down.
291
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,975
Come on down, Anthony.
Oh, yes.
292
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,176
Come on. Now, Anthony,
293
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,345
I'm gonna say a part
of the female body
294
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,748
and I want you to define it
and then I want you
295
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:21,915
to point it out on me.
296
00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:22,983
This is gonna be fun.
297
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,417
- Sarika, you have to fix this!
298
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:26,453
- This is way worse
than Mr. Griffin.
299
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,088
- Okay!
300
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:30,791
Ms. Demarcus, can Victor,
Grace, Colin and I
301
00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:31,959
go to the bathroom?
302
00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:33,493
- Yeah, the pass
is on the desk.
303
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,797
Anthony, perineum.
304
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:39,466
Keep goin'.
Keep goin'.
305
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:43,236
Keep goin'.
306
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:45,438
Mine's lower than usual.
Keep goin'.
307
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:48,108
- But this desire
for a so-called answer
308
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:52,012
reflects a society
obsessed with the, um--
309
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,214
uhh--
- Uh, ephemeral?
310
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:56,083
Ephemeral.
- Ephemeral, yes.
311
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,851
Yes, Philip, yes.
312
00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:00,020
[sighs] I'll tell you,
now that I have a clear thesis,
313
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,822
this book practically
will write itself.
314
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:04,157
I mean, I think we can have
a draft in a month.
315
00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:06,794
- I do.
- Ah, yeah. [clears throat]
316
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,062
Can we talk?
317
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:11,999
- Uhh, yeah.
One sec.
318
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:16,269
- Look, this thing is getting
blown way out of proportion.
319
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,271
Jack, you know
you're in the wrong.
320
00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:21,141
Okay, how about
a one day suspension?
321
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,342
- Uh, I don't know.
322
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:23,911
I mean, I think this--
this policy
323
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:25,378
really needs to be
examined.
324
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:26,780
I mean, these--these kids
are old enough to get pregnant.
325
00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:28,215
They can't be alone
for two seconds?
326
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,382
- That's literally the reason
327
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:30,417
they shouldn't be left alone.
328
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,419
Look, it's one day, okay?
329
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,887
How about a--
a slap on the wrist,
330
00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:35,355
we'll put the whole thing
behind us.
331
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:37,791
- Jack, my fingers
are getting cold.
332
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,093
- Uhh, you know what?
I gotta go.
333
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:41,394
I'm so sorry, Ralph.
I don't like this
334
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:44,197
any more than you do.
- Get-- [sighs]
335
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:50,403
.
336
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:51,238
- All right, Helen said
we could find
337
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,041
every sub in the district
on here.
338
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:55,275
If we find one we like,
maybe we can
339
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,844
go around her completely.
340
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:58,378
- Colin, all clear?
- If I see anyone coming,
341
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,981
I'll play "Baker Street."
- What's "Baker Street"?
342
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:03,550
- Uh, I think you know.
343
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,118
- Here we go.
344
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,920
Let's find the biology teacher
of our dreams.
345
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:09,990
Oh, here we go.
- I feel like he's too jacked.
346
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:12,259
[playing "Baker Street"
on saxophone]
347
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,194
- What the--
348
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,229
What the heck are you guys
doing on my Dell?
349
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,565
- We're looking for
a new substitute.
350
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:21,334
The truth is...
351
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:24,872
Principal Durbin
needs you even more than we do.
352
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:29,242
- Yeah. He's been through
so much.
353
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:30,410
- Go to him, Helen.
354
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:32,145
- You're good kids.
355
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:34,581
I'll get your substitute
for you.
356
00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:37,317
Ralph! I got you!
I got you!
357
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:39,286
- We convince the board
your case has merit,
358
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,021
this thing could
drag on for months.
359
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:42,322
- Mm.
- You sure you're all right
360
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,157
with being in teacher jail?
361
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,159
- It's been a weirdly
productive situation.
362
00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:48,028
- Mr. Griffin,
do you have any questions
363
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,897
before we begin?
- Um, yes,
364
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:53,600
are there more white grapes
coming or is this all there is?
365
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:56,069
- Zack?
366
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,139
That's all the grapes.
367
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:02,175
Principal Durbin,
your statement.
368
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:05,178
- Yeah, well, uh,
it's--it's pretty simple.
369
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:06,579
- Boo.
- I don't think that
370
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,181
there's any bad guys here.
371
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:11,551
We have a supervision policy.
- Sit down!
372
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:14,054
- He ignored it.
- Allegedly.
373
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,088
- And Victor got hurt!
374
00:14:15,122 --> 00:14:17,324
- Kim, your statement.
375
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:22,896
- I want to tell you
about the most dedicated,
376
00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:27,034
caring, hard-working teacher
I know.
377
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,071
Jack Griffin.
378
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:34,341
I--I mean, clearly,
he is suffering
379
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,909
and this is hard on him.
380
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:38,111
Right?
381
00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:39,679
- I miss my little sweeties.
382
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:44,117
- Why are we persecuting
this man
383
00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:47,287
when clearly, the problem
at this school
384
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,022
is this man?!
385
00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,658
Principal Ralph Durbin.
386
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:54,127
Dirty Durbin.
387
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:58,098
Why aren't the teachers
following the school policy?
388
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,968
Well, maybe it's because
the principal
389
00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:04,371
is asleep on the job.
390
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,339
- Okay, I'm clearly blinking.
391
00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:07,340
- Is he focused on work?
392
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:10,944
Well, not according
to his Google searches.
393
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,445
- Okay, that's private.
- I'll allow it.
394
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:15,548
"Kokomo is it real"
395
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,184
Do we really want
a principal
396
00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:18,651
who's daydreaming about
397
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,154
some fake paradise
in the Florida Keys?
398
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:22,355
- Well, why are the other ones
real?
399
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:25,625
Aruba, Jamaica--
- Principal Durbin
400
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,294
mowing the school lawn
401
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:30,998
wearing what is known
as a wife-beater.
402
00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:32,332
- It was a Saturday.
403
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:35,435
- Oh! It's okay, everybody,
to beat your wife
404
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,569
on a Saturday.
405
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:37,737
Do we really think
406
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,739
that Principal Durbin
told Jack
407
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,541
about the supervision policy
408
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:44,144
when he can't even remember
to fix the sign
409
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,513
in front of the school?
410
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:48,148
Since I've been here this week,
411
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,517
I've noticed nothing
but a trail of destruction
412
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:51,684
on your watch.
413
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,453
Kids falling off of desks,
414
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:56,056
teachers defecating
in their pants,
415
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:59,726
and a Harvard professor
being micromanaged
416
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:03,363
by an incompetent,
little wiener.
417
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:04,697
But we have a chance
418
00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:08,035
to be on the right side
of history.
419
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,403
Ladies and gentlemen,
420
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,040
fire the wiener.
421
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:19,346
.
422
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:19,712
[bell ringing]
423
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:21,781
- Oh--uh, can we just--
424
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,383
can we have a moment?
425
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,085
Okay, thanks. Uh, Kim, can I
talk to you over here?
426
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,786
- I'm killing it, right?
- Just--
427
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,289
can you just ease up on Durbin
a little bit?
428
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,158
I mean, I think we can
both agree as educators
429
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:32,525
he's not the problem,
it's the policy.
430
00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,661
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Cut the crap, Jack.
431
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,796
Okay, we both know
you love teacher jail--
432
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,399
being able to get paid
to write your little book
433
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,034
and play grab-ass
with the freaks.
434
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:43,803
You punk out on me now,
and all that goes away.
435
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,805
- I'm not punking out,
I'm just saying lay off Durbin.
436
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,475
He's a good guy.
- It's too late, Jack.
437
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:51,144
You let the dogs out.
438
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:52,545
All right, everybody.
439
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:54,647
On my next slide,
you're gonna see
440
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:58,685
Principal Durbin in full
Native American headdress.
441
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,553
- It--it was the '90s.
It wasn't bad yet.
442
00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:02,355
- Okay, excuse me.
Can I say something here?
443
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:03,456
- Uh-uh, sit down!
- Just--
444
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:06,226
I have something to say, okay?
445
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,295
[sighs] Kim...
446
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:11,098
Uh...tickled me.
447
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:12,832
- What?!
448
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,169
- I'm sorry.
- She's a teacher tickler.
449
00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:18,105
Yeah, she would wait
until we were all alone
450
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,373
and then she would just go
bananas all over me,
451
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:21,708
tickling me up and down.
452
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,376
Yep.
453
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:26,079
So take her away.
454
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,448
- What are you talking about?
Jack, tickling is not
455
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:30,217
a punishable offense.
456
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:31,618
I'd call it
lightly frowned upon,
457
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,820
or awkward--
if people are watching.
458
00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:37,324
- What--so no one cares
that she tickled me?
459
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:40,160
- Well then why is Philip,
the frickin' best guy I know
460
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:41,394
in teacher jail right now?
461
00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,430
- That guy did more
than just tickle.
462
00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:44,564
- Oh. What else did he do.
463
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:46,833
- Uh, well, he-- [sighs]
464
00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:48,101
Dated.
- Yes.
465
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,869
- He dated the CPR dummy.
466
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,339
- Uhh, okay, you know what?
Look, I'm just gonna--
467
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,574
I'm gonna come clean here.
468
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,476
I was out of the room
when the nerd fell,
469
00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,345
and Ralph warned me about it.
470
00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:03,583
It's totally my fault.
So can we just be done here?
471
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:05,885
- All right, Mr. Griffin
is docked three days pay.
472
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,854
- Yeah, and must remain
in teacher jail--
473
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,756
- And will return
to his classroom immediately.
474
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,191
- Ahh.
475
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,526
- This is not over, Durbin.
476
00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:19,732
[bell ringing]
[door opens]
477
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,636
- My name is Mr. Vining.
478
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:27,574
I am your new teacher,
and I...
479
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,143
love biology.
[hopeful music]
480
00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:32,245
Pretty soon,
you're gonna love it as well.
481
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:34,347
But not just love it,
482
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:37,217
you're going to understand it.
483
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,520
So let's not waste
another moment.
484
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,355
Our story begins
485
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:46,526
3.8 billion years ago.
486
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:48,761
In a humble puddle
of amino acid.
487
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:53,466
[whispering]
You may wanna write that down.
488
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:54,834
- [sighs] All right, chief.
489
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:58,205
I appreciate it,
but I got it from here.
490
00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:00,807
- Oh. Okay.
491
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:04,911
Well, uh, fair enough.
- Yep.
492
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:08,181
All right.
493
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:10,450
- Wait.
494
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,522
- Well, I'm back.
495
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:16,623
Did you guys miss me?
496
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,558
Yeah? Little bit?
497
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:21,561
By the way,
I know what y'all did.
498
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:24,564
And, uh, no hard feelings.
499
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:25,865
- What do you mean?
500
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,534
- That little accident
with Victor,
501
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:28,935
I know you staged it.
502
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,237
It was just--
503
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,971
it was a little bit
too convenient.
504
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,273
You know, the way Victor
505
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,275
fell just after
Durbin mentioned
506
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,410
the supervision policy.
507
00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:38,945
But I know Victor--
508
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:41,414
sweet, simple Victor
couldn't come up
509
00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:42,715
with a plan like that
on his own.
510
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,884
He probably had
a little bit of help.
511
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,588
- I don't know
what you're talking about.
512
00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,457
- "I don't know what
you're talking about."
513
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:52,759
Sure you don't.
514
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,295
Well, I gotta say, Serika,
you know, I'm impressed.
515
00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:56,863
Yeah, yeah, sometimes I forget
516
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,698
that even though you're
all dumber than me,
517
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:01,468
there's still some value
to your little brains.
518
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:03,536
Kinda cool.
519
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:06,639
Well, it's good to be back.
520
00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:11,311
Oh. Who's this little guy?
521
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,782
[door opens]
522
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:23,490
So...guess you heard
I got out.
523
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:25,492
- Guess you heard
I'm not just a tickler.
524
00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:27,760
- Philip, stop.
525
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:30,663
You don't need to explain
a damn thing to me.
526
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:32,332
- You're not mad?
527
00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:35,302
- Well, I'm--I'm mad
you didn't tell me the truth.
528
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:36,836
There's no secrets between us.
529
00:20:36,869 --> 00:20:39,439
And what is a friend,
but a single soul
530
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:40,707
dwelling in two bodies.
531
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,810
- Aristotle.
My favorite philosopher.
532
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:48,581
Well, second favorite now.
533
00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:51,384
- Come here, you dumb perv.
534
00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,653
[sighs]
535
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,054
Ahh!
[both laugh]
536
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,656
Oh, come on!
537
00:20:56,689 --> 00:20:58,858
Oh, you are so bad.
538
00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:01,828
[bell ringing]
[toilet flushes]
539
00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:05,598
[playing "Baker Street"
on saxophone]
540
00:21:05,632 --> 00:21:12,839
*
38501
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