All language subtitles for jauerfdddsmg (1990) eng

Whoa, wilbur, here I go!

I'm running pretty good
now, and I'm gonna take a

jump, and...
Oh, I got wings, and I'm flying! Oh!

Tri-star pictures,
where anything can happen.

♪ Come with me my
love to the sea

♪ to... to the sea
the sea of love

♪ oh I want to tell
you how much I love you

♪ love you, I love you
I love you, I do

♪ bom, bom,
bom do you remember when we met

♪ that's the day I knew you
were my pet I want to tell you

♪ how much I love you
I love you, I love you

♪ bom-bom-bom-bom
come with me

♪ - oooh, with me.
- To the sea

♪ of love
mmm. ♪

Is your diaphragm in?
Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Okay. Now, let me see if I got this
straight. Uh, Santa claus is real,

but ghosts aren't real.
Cowboys are real, but, um,

witches aren't real. Dinosaurs aren't
real, and monsters used to be

real.
Or was it the other way around?

I got to listen a little bit more.
I mean, just because

it's dark doesn't mean monsters are
comin' out. These are just my toys...

The same toys that...
I'm sure that's... I don't

remember it having batteries,
but I'm sure that's fine.

I'm sure that there's a...
oh... Oh my god!

Monsters!
There's monsters in my

room! Maybe I should get
under the covers now.

Yeah. I'll just...

I have to get that.
No, he won't stop.

He'll stop. All right.
- Help! Monsters! -I'll do it, okay?

Okay. No, no.
No, don't read your accounting

-magazines.
- Why not? -'Cause it gets you

-out of the mood.
- Monsters! Monsters! -Okay? All right.

Okay.
You behave.

Okay, Mike. I'm comin'.

- Monsters!
- Monsters? Where?

There's no monsters. Look, see?
Do you see any monsters?

Well, yeah.

I think it was popeye.
Yeah, he was the one who did it.

Why, of all the things...
I'll take that gumby,

and I'll knock him from
here to kingdom come,

- I tell ya.
- I think my daddy likes

- these toys more than I do.
- Who else? Pee-wee?

- No.
- Ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha.

I wonder if he's gonna do
the flyin' turd gag now.

Watch out, Mikey,
it's a flyin' turd. Ow!

- Good night, honey. You're so crazy.
- I'll just tuck myself in.

- Is that good?
- Why did I call you in here?

Aw, come on, Mollie.

I told you not to read this.
Now, get up.

- Come on. Get up, honey.
- Oh, I can't. -Why? Oh, come on.

I just got him to go to sleep.

We never get to do it anymore.
Please.

Please get up, honey.
I'm sleeping.

I know. You wouldn't
have any fun doing it

-with me when I'm sleeping.
- Well, it's never

- stopped us before.
- Oh. Mmm.

Oh, come on. Outta my way, man!
This ain't no wet dream.

Hey, what's going on? Am I hearing things?
Yoo-hoo, is somebody

there?

Get outta my way!
I know where I'm goin', man.

Bright idea.
Now we're lost.

Why? I been here
before, that's why.

Who is it? Who is it?
What do you want? Go away! Ooh.

Tail, don't fail me now.
We are the guys. We are the winners.

I think I can, I think I can.
I think I can.

There we are.
Come on, guys. Let's go.

We're in. We're in. We're doin' it.
We are. Let's go. Keep goin'.

Keep movin'. Come on. Come on.
Keep movin' guys, please.

I don't think I can. I don't think I can.
Help me out, buddy.

As long as one of us makes it.
Come on, buddy,

oh, no. Oh, no, oh, no.
It's the tadpole squad!

Ew. Ew!

You can't bully me! You
can't

get through this diaphragm!

♪ Neener-neener-neener hey,
guys, I found a way through! ♪

Over here by the rim!
Yes!

Hey, buster, how'd you get in here?
This is my womb. Get outta here! Shoo!

Shoo! Here we go.
You know why I'm here.

No! Don't! Stop that!
Come on, give it up.

Give it up!
Stop doing that! Ow! Eee!

Let me in, baby.
Let me in.

Come on, mama. Come on, hot mama.
You're a hot mama.

Ow! Hot mama!

Yes! Yes!
Oooh!

Well, here I am...

All conceived and nowhere to go.

Ah you missed!
Go wide!

Look out! Ooh!
Hi, honey.

Hi. Hi, honey. Hi, honey.

What'd you get for me?
This isn't for you. This is for you.

- It is a... la-da!
- Don't you think he's a little young for that?

A little young?
That hat's never gonna fit me!

- All right. You tell 'im.
- I'm not telling him

about it. You're the guy.
Forget it!

- No, when we have a girl, I will explain it to her.
- Oh, brother.

All right. Here goes.
Mike, this is a potty, okay?

- Now, when you wanna take a piss, you do it...
- Don't say "piss."

All right.
When you wanna take a whiz...

- No.
- What? "See a man about a horse"

"drain the snake"?
What do you want me to

-say? - "Pee-pee."
-pee-pee's such a wimp

-word. I don't...
- No, pee-pee is easy to say.

All right, when you wanna
take a pee-pee, okay,

you do it in here. You just do this.
Just take it out, okay?

- Oh, come on.
- What? -Dad, who's kiddin' who, huh?

And, the same token,
when you wanna take a

-dump.
- Poo-poo. -This is a joke, right?

- I know it sounds
disgusting, Mike,

but, you know,
you got to trust me on this, okay?

You want me to take a

- dump outside my diaper?
- He doesn't like it.

- He does too.
- He doesn't like it. -We just have to make it

fun for him.

♪ Come along and be
my potty boy

♪ come along and be my
potty boy -is this really an

♪ -appropriate
subject for a musical?

♪ And you can potty too
yes, you my girl likes to

♪ potty all the time potty
all the time you got to fight

♪ for your right mmm to potty

♪ you got to fight for
your right to potty ♪

- He doesn't like it.
- He likes it. -Hey, I don't care

what they say.
I ain't poopin' in that thing.

I got my standards.

It's your keys!

Toss 'em!
Yo, thanks, babe. Whew.

You were really lucky with those
keys, I'll tell ya.

I was starting to think
I could really love Brad,

then I noticed this face he
made, kind of like...

Like, if I said,
"what do you want to do?"

There'd be this face. You know?
Or, "how'd you like

"that movie?" It's just this
face that says, "I don't know.

What do you want to do?" And then I
had this flash forward of having kids

and the kids making that face.

- And then I knew it was over.
- You are deranged.

You know that, don't you?
Oh! Oh, you know what?

If you want a boy,
you eat more sodium-rich food.

If you want a girl, you eat more dairy.
Really? Who says?

I read it. Where?
Harvard medical journal

or the national enquirer?
I think the star.

If you have a preference you'd
better act now. Those sex organs are

forming soon.

Let's see.
Two arms, two legs...

- And two mouths?
- "D," and what comes up?

Dog. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know all about

computers.
- How 'bout that one? Scoot over, girls. I got a lot

of work to do here.
Let's see. I'll just try...

This one.

And let's see, what do we get?
A jar! Beautiful.

I'm pretty good at this.
Maybe I ought to get a job here.

What are you girls up to?

Nothing.
- What's going on in here? I don't know why...

- whoa.
So this is how grownups

-get so tall.
- We were just, uh, finishing up

- the, uh, margolis account here.
- The margolis account, huh?

What are you gonna do...
Send margolis a

- spreadsheet with pictures?
- No. -Tickle, tickle, tickle.

I think something funny
is going on here, and I...

- What's that?
- What's up, my man?

It looks like a kid. "It looks
like a kid." I can see it's a kid!

What is a kid doing in here?
This is not a nursery school.

Mr. Russell, let me
explain. It was an

-emergency situation.
- Oh, it was an emergency. I see. I see what you're

up to. You think that
because you have a son

and you're pregnant,
you deserve special consideration.

Oh, no, I would never
ask for special

- consideration.
- Let me tell you something.

Accountancy is filled
with hardship.

It's nothing but sacrifice.

If you wanted something easy,
why don't you become a dental hygienist or

a car-rental person?
You know, when I had a bleeding ulcer, and

I came out of the anesthetic...

Somebody's loud and opinionated.

- Oy!
- "Where's my adding

machine? "Where's my
calculator?" That's what I said!

And let me tell you something
else, young lady, huh?

♪ -Hey, I have a kid. La-la-la-la-la-la-la
here, shoes. Have a drink.

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la

you mess with my mother,
you mess with me.

Mikey, drinks are for
drinking, toys are for playing.

So, how did you arrive at
this figure for your tips?

- I guessed.
- You kept track for a period of time

- and did a projected estimate.
- Uh-uh.

- I made it up.
- You made it up? -Mm-hmm.

Now, as a flight instructor,
you eared $9,212?

Really?
Hey, that's pretty good.

- You realize...
That that's only... -177.

-$177 dollars a week.
- It's not my main job. -You seem to spend

-most of your time doing it.
- Ma, knock it off. -You heard him say it's not

his main job.
Cut him some slack.

Well, since I've been
married, I haven't had an

opportunity to fly. At the rate I'm
going, I'll never work for an airline.

At this rate, there's a lot
of things you won't be doing.

Unlike your son, Stuart...

Who's got a plethora of
opportunities, a regular genius.

We're talking about you and

- Mollie and your income tax.
- Every two weeks he calls Mollie for money.

Don't worry about Stuart.
He'll be all right

as soon as he settles down.

He has a degree in accounting...
Which is like money in

the bank, something you
don't know anything about.

Mike, what do you say we
go out and get some carvel?

I've got the time,
if you got the diapers.

Come on, buddy. Come on.

I can't believe you did that.

What? What did I say?
Ma, you are forever

- on his case.
- He's a slob. He's belligerent.

He has the earning
capacity of an illiterate

immigrant.
But I'm not gonna say anything

if that's what you want.
That's what I want.

That's what I want.

That's your baby sister,
Julie, in there.

She's kicking!
Now, wait a minute.

Let me get this straight.
My sister is in my juice cup?

You wanna feel it? Here.
Gimme your hand.

- Oh, in there. Whoa!
- Don't you just hate it when you get your head

-caught in your placenta?
- I know, let's play her

a little song, mom.
This was always good for me.

♪

Aw.
Oh, now I'll never get

that tune outta my head.

When I have

this new baby girl,
I'm gonna need your help. Okay?

And you know why? Okay. Tell me.
Because you're gonna be

Julie's big brother.
All right! Lay one on me!

Night-night, honey. Night-night.
Remember, you're gonna be

her big brother.
I'm gonna be a big brother.

I'm gonna be a big brother.

Okay, that feels pretty good.

Here we go, in the...

Oop! Not in the nose.
Okay, bottoms up.

Do you believe what they're

askin' for Teddy bears?
I'm tellin' ya, it's a

crime.
Well, I think we got

Teddy bear, teething rings,

p.j. Sparkles.
Yes, I'll kiss you.

Here ya go, ace.
Keep the change.

All right, baby,
here we go. Gum this down.

No, there's no salt on it.

Hey! Hey, punk!
Get your own toy!

All right. That's it. Give...
you give... I'll rip your lungs out!

Give it to me!
Hey, what are you smilin' at?

I guess you never messed with
anybody's big brother before, huh?

Gimme it! Oh.
There ya go. Take that.

Here ya go, baby.
Yeah, you can put it back in your mouth.

Mmm, I love you so much.
I'll never let anybody hurt you.

Oh, wow.

Looks like I got
my work cut out for me.

What did I tell you?
Look at this mess you've gotten us into.

You see, I told you to take 48th.
You should have taken 48th!

- 48th is just as bad.
- Hey, look, take a quick left.

- We'll shoot over to 46th.
- Poor daddy... hangin' out

- with buttholes all day long. - 46th!
Ah, you didn't take the left!

Dad, you wanna think
about gettin' some toys in

here? I mean,
it's lonely in the front seat.

Maybe I'll just push this thing.

That doesn't work. Whoa!
There we go. There's

somethin'.
I think I broke it, maybe. Oh!

- There it goes. Right back on. He didn't even see me.
- Look, just pull over.

- I can walk faster than this.

- All right, fine. Walk.
- That's two dollars. Here ya go.

No, wait a minute.
Tha... my kid must've

-pushed the button! Wait!
- Too bad! Don't bring him to work!

- Aw, man.
Did you push the button?

- Yeah. I think I did.
- Aw, oh, man. -Want some cookie?

It's a little moist,
but take a bite.

Did you bring the shoe box?

If you don't stop

fighting... -what shoe box?
You saw me clean the

closet.
- Don't play dumb with me. Barry. Bambi.

All right, okay, all

right. Come on. Hey, hey, hey!
All right, all right!

Now, let's discuss
this bad business loan.

Basically, all that happened was

that their uncle, Ernie,
convinced them that it would be

a really great idea...
To call their restaurant "eat me raw."

It was a great idea.
It was gonna have Sushi, steak tartare...

- And raw vegetables.
- You know, "cruddities." -It had a certain

quixotic quality.
- Excuse me. People thought it was

an x-rated movie house. Yes,
they thought that, but they still wanted

to eat there.
- No, they didn't. -It was a delightful

-place.
- Everybody was offended. -Are you okay?

- I think I'm going into labor.
- Oh, my gosh.

That's it. It's time to blow
this pop stand.

Geez, I'm all cramped,
and this thing...

- do you want to reschedule?
No, no.

You know, these things
take hours, believe me.

All right. Let's discuss this
$1,200 loss.

- I believe that was the salmon.
- Salmon?

Well, the whole idea of
Sushi is that it's fresh.

I ate at a five-star
restaurant last week,

-let me get just a sentence out.
- And they gave me frozen

- Sushi... it was still cold.
- I don't think so.

- I believe so.
- You're so naive when it comes to frozen

- Sushi.
- I'm not naive!

- This'll teach me to accessorize.
- Could we just establish

did uncle Ernie
have any experience

-in the restaurant business?
- No. -No.

Ernie was more of a...
An idea man.

- That's giving him a lot of credit.
- Do you have the books

for the restaurant?
- Books? -What do you mean?

Pieces of paper with numbers!
Debits and credits here!

- No, we don't have any of that stuff!
- Would you not yell at him?

Uncle Ernie was an idiot!

It was a stupid idea,
and they lost their shirts,

so just allow
the fucking deduction!

I heard life is short,
but this is ridiculous.

Don't be alarmed.
Now, your baby is in distress.

- What? What's wrong?
- We're going to do a cesarean.

Rona, where is she?
Oh, hi.

She's right through there.
Hi! Hey, Mikey!

- You're gonna be a big brother, doll!
- And you know what, rona?

I'm just the right kid
for the job.

- Did my husband get here yet?
- We called him. He's coming.

- Okay.
- Clamp.

- Honey.
- Oh, James, the baby's in

- trouble.
- No, she's okay she's comin' right out.

- Well, at least I've achieved most of my goals.
- Sponge.

- Get that. Clamp.
- Honey, everything's good. Yeah.

Right there.
Scissors. Okay.

Oh, wow.
Look at that.

- Interesting.
- Almost there.

- Just a bit longer. Bladder retractor.
- Educational... kind of.

- Hold this bladder. Right there.
Let's get this bladder.

- I mean, it's...
- Okay.

Hmm.

I guess this is... the
end.

- Here she comes.
- No, my neck! My neck!

Hey, you with the scissors!
Cut me some slack here!

- There ya go.

Aw, geez, for cryin' out loud!

Is she really okay?

She's fine.

How 'bout him?

- He'll be all right.
- There you go.

Oh, my po', sweet baby.
Yeah. I'm gonna take

-extra-special care of you.
- Hey, you look a lot

- better from the outside.
- I'll take her now.

- Hey, where am I going?
- Where are they taking her?

- To put her in observation.
- What happened to

-my quality time? Bye, honey.
- Bye, honey. Bye-bye.

I don't want to go any place.

Bye-bye, honey. Bye-bye, honey.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye, honey.

First a lousy birth,
and now this.

Geez, life sucks.

Oh, yes, yes. You're next.
Oh, I hope so.

Bye-bye. Bye, daddy. Bye, doll.

Congratulations!
Hey, rona. Thanks.

- Hey, pop! All right!
- Hi, honey. How's your head?

Mmm. Mikey,
this is your sister, Julie.

Hiya, Julie. Welcome to the outside.
I'm your big brother, Mikey.

I'm gonna be in charge
of your life for the next

two or three years...
smackin' you around, getting you in shape,

teachin' you things.
- Anything you need, don't be afraid to ask.

- Who's this asshole?
- No, no, say no more. Of course you're tired

after all that traveling, especially
that long trip down the birth canal.

- Stop, you're killin' me.
- I got you a little

somethin' for comin'
into the world,

and here it is. Have a cow.
- Get away!

- All right, fine.
Don't have a cow.

Eddie, what do you say
we go get a apple juice?

No, I'm into my trainin'.

- What kind of training?
- You know... wearin'

-the training pants, man.
- Aw, man, don't tell me you're goin' along with

-this potty business too.
- Yo, we have to, Mike, 'cause

-the toilet man says so.
- Who? -Mr. Toilet man. He likes

to eat your doo-doo
and your pee-pee,

so I say, give it to him.
- Eat your doo-doo and your pee-pee?

Who told you that? My mother.
Why? You callin' her a liar?

- No, I'm not calling her...
-she told me that diapers are for

babies. But eat your
doo-doo and your pee-pee?

Eddie, the thought is too
hideous to comprehend.

- Oh, yeah?
- I'll tell ya what. Let's take

- my little sister for a walk.
- All right.

Okay, quick, while the moms
aren't looking.

Come on, let's take her to
the zoo and leave her there.

- Good idea.
- He would have a friend. -I don't think she's

gonna like the lions, Eddie.
- And they're both

schmucks.
Mommy! Mommy!

- Wait, wait, wait!
- Uh-oh, busted. -Oh, honey, you okay?

- Yeah, she's fine.
- Don't ever take your

sister away like that.
You made mommy's

-heart jump into her throat.
- Mom, do you have to be

so graphic? I was just takin'
her for a walk. I thought

she'd have a good time.
I'm sorry.

- Are you okay, sweetheart?
- Here, let me give you a present.

- Here. What's this?
- Oh, my god.

- Yuck! What is it?
- Well, it's hospital garbage.

- They make crack pipes out of these.
- Oooh.

- Oh. Let me see your hands.
- Oh, my hands are okay, ma.

Oh, no, don't... oh, please, don't...
no, don't... no, please.

- They're okay. They're clean.
- Give mommy your hands.

That is it.
I have had it with this park.

Sorry, honey.
She didn't mean to throw that on you.

- Mikey, time to go to bed.
- What are you doin'?

I told him
he could watch a video.

- He needs to go to bed.
- But I made a promise he could

finish watching the video.
- He can finish it

-tomorrow. He's tired.
- Don't undermine me.

- You don't undermine me.
- Let's take it outside. Okay.

♪ Ah-Dee-ah-Dee-ah-Dee
ah-Dee-ah-Dee-ah-Dee aye

♪ ah-Dee-ah-Dee-ah-Dee
ah-Dee-ah-Dee-ah-Dee aye

♪ ee-Dee-ee-Dee-ee-Dee
ee-Dee-ee-Dee-ee-Dee eee

♪ ee-Dee-ee-Dee-ee-Dee just because
she's a baby I have to go to bed early. ♪

- What are you lookin' at?
- If I say Mikey can do

something and you come
along and say he can't,

then you're cutting my nuts
off right in front of him...

-how can I be a good dad?
- So because you're the man,

and you have the nuts,
you get to make all the decisions?

I don't get to make all
the decisions

because I'm the man. Look,
if I promise him something, okay, don't

make me look like an asshole.

Oh, you're doin' a good
job of that yourself.

- Keep it down out there.
- Please? -I am his mother.

I see my tired baby sitting
there, and I know that he's got

to get up early the next
morning.

- For what?
- Because I'm taking him to baby gym.

- Oh, no. Not baby gym.
- He needs to learn to socialize with other kids.

Well, take him to the park.

I'm not taking him to the park anymore.
Today he picked up a

-crack pipe.
- Well, throw it out! -Do you have any idea

- how many diseases he could get?
- God, you're so scared!

You're gonna bring him up to be
a real crybaby. I can see it.

I am going to baby gym,
and I don't see

- why you care anyway.
- What's that supposed to mean?

- What do you mean, "what does it mean?"
- I know what it means.

It means that it's your
money, so I'm not supposed to

-care.
- I did not say that. -That's what you're

thinkin', that you earn more
money, so you can make the

-decisions, and I'm outta here.
- I do not make the

decisions, and I have never,
ever, brought up money with you!

Why does everything
have to be your way?

It doesn't!
Oh, you! Shut up, you!

Shut up!

Let's take stock here.

My brother is 27 pounds
of stupid.

Now, look at that!
- My parents are okay separately,

-but as a couple they stink.
- Well, why don't you just

put me in a fuckin' dress?

I guess you're my only
friend, herbie.

Intellectually, I know it
takes at least three dates

to know somebody, but,
emotionally, I'll just look

at the way he'll eat something
disgusting, like chili dogs.

And then this voice inside me

says, "you can't spend the
next 60 or 70 years with this

-guy." -boy,
you're planning on living a long time.

Mollie, you know what I mean. Like,
you and James have been together forever.

- Yeah, a year and a half.
- For a non-obsessive

- relationship, that's pretty good.
- You know what I hate?

What? I hate the way
James is always telling

me how to take care of Mikey.

You know, like I carried
the kid for nine months. Oh.

I'm the one who went through
labor and all that pain.

I think I know what I'm doing.
I should be lord and

- emperor of that child.
- Yeah.

I think maybe he just gets
frustrated, you know,

because he doesn't have a
job that he loves, like we

do. We're really lucky.
I don't know what to do.

- I don't know what to tell you to do.
- You know what you have to

do? You have to take
control of the situation.

You can't sit around waiting
for this schmendrick you

married to get his act together.
He is not a schmendrick.

He is a good father, and,
for your information,

he works real hard. Well,
that's the trouble. He works his ass off

for nothing. Now, daddy has an
account with corporate pilots.

They earn between $30,000
and $50,000 a year.

I wish James could get
a job like that.

I'm way ahead of you. We already asked.
All James has to do

is call Freddie, tell him how many
hours, what kinds of planes,

things like that. No. Oh, ma!
You know if James had a

job that he really loved
and he could make money...

Oh, that would be great for us.
And you have daddy to

thank.

- Six. Six.
- Six dollar. -Yeah.

Grandpa, a card's a card.
Do you have to name 'em all?

What kind of equipment
do they fly?

- I don't know. You'll find out.
- Well, at least with my job,

- I can fly different types of airplanes.
- Jimmy, what does it

-matter? A jet's a jet.
- Well, you don't love

flying,
so it wouldn't matter to you.

You know, I don't think this
is about what kind of

airplanes they have to fly.
What is it?

You want to know what it is?
I'll tell you what it is.

- It's your mother, okay?
- My mother? -You don't mind them

controlling your life,
but I mind them controlling...

-they do not control my life.
- Oh, why are you and

- your brother accountants?
- Because we dearly love it.

Oh, come on. "Dearly."

- You-you dearly love being accountants?
- I do, because it deals

with my two favorite
numbers and people.

And you know another thing?
They check our tax return

every year to make
me look stupid.

- Oh, that isn't true. And you said it was okay.
- Well, maybe it's not.

Look, just don't take the job.
I don't care one way or

-another.
- All right. Fine. I won't.

Oh, honey.

I'm sorry.
Oh, sweetheart.

- I was just trying to help.
- I know you were helping me.

I thought that if you did

something that you really
loved that you would be happy.

I know, I'm stupid.
I shouldn't have said anything.

My mom and dad were just trying to
help, so they talked

to their friends,
and now you hate them.

- I don't hate them.
- And I've always been really nice to your mother.

Oh, honey, look.
I'll call Freddie

tomorrow, okay? Don't call him

just because I'm bawling. I'll find
out what it's all about, and I won't

promise you anything. Okay?
It won't be because you're crying.

- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. All right. Gimme a kiss.

Who the hell is that?

Who is it? Damn it.
Sounds like some kind of

- nut.
- Here, let me...

- Do you know who I hate?
- Stuart! How you doin'?

You're back in town!
This is my brother. This is

James.
I hate these damn orientals.

They're buyin' up this whole damn country.
Now, do you know why?

- He's the accountant for mitsubishi.
- Not anymore. The way I

look at it is
Americans have turned

into fat, lazy slobs...
Who'd rather sell off their toes

than get off their butts and walk
half a block. You think I could

stay here for a little
while until I get a new job?

You can stay here
as long as you want.

I'll make up the couch!
Yes!

Mollie? Mollie!

Oh, what a dilemma.
Do I stay, or do I pee?

What if Eddie said was true?
Mr. Toilet man eating

your pee-pee? Oh, well.
I guess I really don't believe

that.
But then, on the other hand,

what if there is a Mr. Toilet man?
Well, I think I better

just turn the light on, just to make sure.
Ah, just as I thought.

Just a regular old toilet, huh?

Wait till I tell Eddie about this.
Eddie and his bonehead

- ideas.
- Hey, you, you little pisher!

- I'm talkin' to you!
- Oh, no! What is that? -Hey, you're supposed

-to give me some pee-pee! Where's that pee-pee?
- We're talkin' about

pee-pee. I need that pee-pee!
- Oh, no! Mr. Toilet man!

Listen, I've had it with you.

You better give me that pee-pee.
Give it to me,

or the next time you sit on
me, I'm gonna bite off your

tushy!
- Yes! Yes!

Oh, it's okay, honey.

Mommy's here.

Mommy. Yeah.
Mommy, daddy. Potty.

Mommy's here. Ohh, sweetheart.
It's just a dream.

- It's just a dream.
- Toilet man. It was... scary.

Okay?

The problem with this

- country?
- Get a load of those eyebrows.

- It's a country of softs.
- What's the deal with

- eyebrows?
- Eyes, I understand.

- Mouths, I understand. But eyebrows?
- Why waste money on new

- bombs...
- I wonder if I'll have a set like his.

- Am I right?
- Daddy doesn't have a set like his.

Good luck on your job
interview, studebaker.

It's a confusing question.
But I guess I'll learn

- someday.
- Mollie,

- I want him out of the house.
- Oh, we're going out!

We're getting ready to go out!
I'm so excited!

- I got your nose!
- Oh, daddy, don't take my nose.

- I got your nose!
- Oh, hi, mommy.

Mommy, let's take the
play-doh with us. There's

something I saw I'd
like to build with you,

and if you'd just get it...
mom? Mommy?

Daddy?

Where'd everybody go?
What have I done

-to deserve this?
- Hey, Julie, don't worry. I'll take care of you.

You're too little!

You should have seen my brother when
he was a kid. Oh! He was so cute.

And sweet? I mean...
but no matter what he did,

he would get in trouble.
Everyone was always screaming at him.

- Yeah. Daddy was like...
-he looks just like Leon.

- Everybody looks like Leon.
- Do you think so?

You know, I think if my
brother was in a loving

environment like my house...
That he would really

straighten out.

All right, and shutting down.

Okay. Thanks a lot, bill.
Okay, here we are.

- Excuse me. Here we go.
- Where's the briefcase?

- Did you leave it on the plane?
- No, I didn't.

One minute, one minute.

- Ah, thanks.
- I'll lock up, James. -You bet.

- All right, here we are.
- Thank you. -Good night.

Dickface. Geez.

- Hi, Elvis. How'd it go?
- Hey, Priscilla.

Which part? Where they
blamed me for the turbulence

spilling red wine
on their clothes,

or the part where they bawled
me out for weak coffee?

Oh, honey, you probably
just got a couple of creeps.

Yeah, right. But didn't it feel
great up there in that jet, not

having to worry about
driving the cab?

- I mean, didn't that make it all worthwhile?
- Yeah, I love flyin' a

lear jet.
It's just this beeper lifestyle.

I mean, you're on call anytime, honey.
That means we can't

plan vacations. What about the kids?
I mean, come on.

- Am I a waiter or a pilot?
- Other than that,

how'd you like it?

- Did you like it? I knew you'd like it.
- Yeah, it was all right.

All right. I think I'm gonna try it.
Yeah, yeah. It's solid.

Oh, I got to be honest with myself here.
I'm a failure as a big

-brother. I mean, look at her.
- And I'm goin'. I'm goin'.

- I'm... kiddin' myself.
- I teach her how to crawl, and she'd bouncin' around

-like a cocker spaniel.
- Here I go. Oh! Uh-oh.

- Yeah. I'm goin'. I'm going.
- Wait a minute now.

She's up. She's mobile.
She's movin'.

She's headin' right for my toys.
Hmm. Well, maybe I better

show her about toys right away...
Before she does

something drastic to one of my toys.
All right, let me show

you something. Come here.
These are all toys, right?

- Yeah.
- Some of them are mine,

some of them are yours.
The way you tell the difference

-is I have all the great
toys, -let me see it.

Can't I see that?
And you have all these stupid little...

- Don't-hurt-yourself baby toys.
- Geez. But I like it.

Well, of course you like it.
It's a big-boy toy.

- Well, can't I just see
it for a little while?

- You can't have it. You think
you can jump right into a toy like

this?
Grow up, kid.

- Geez, he's always so mean to me.
- Look, here's a toy you

- can play with... a nerf ball.
- I don't like balls!

Oh, don't cry again.

- Freeze!
- What the... what are you doing?

- I'm sorry, man.
- You have a gun in my house?

- There are kids here!
- It's only nine millimeter.

- It's not loaded.
- Oh, man. That's what is exactly

the stupid thing people say...
When they accidentally

kill someone...
"oh, I didn't think

-it was loaded."
- You know, you guys make me laugh.

You're really funny.
You know, you stock up your cabinets with

bottled water and flashlights,
but what do you think is

gonna happen when the shit
really hits the fan, huh?

Like earthquakes
or flash floods or mud

slides, or just, like,
a lot of chaos and

horror,
people dying in the streets,

and you're sitting nice and
pretty with your bottled water?

Now, the guy next door has got one
of these. Who's gonna go thirsty...

Him or you?
I mean,

- think about it.
- You're nuts.

Mollie, I don't want
that maniac around the

-kids.
- He's their uncle. -Oh, he's a maniac!

- He sleeps with a gun.
- Oh, he does not. -He does too. He tried

- to shoot me when I came in.
- Stewball?

- Moll?
- Do you have a gun in there?

- It's not loaded.
- It's not loaded.

- I need some covers.
- You know, why is it if I drink

out of a styrofoam cup...
You give me a two-hour lecture,

b-but Travis bickel
moves in with us...

With a semiautomatic
weapon, and it's okay?

Chill out. This is new York.
Women carry guns

in their purses.
Most people have them in their

nightstands.
Jimmy, if a little unloaded gun

- makes him feel better...
- Makes him feel better?

Maybe climbing a tower...
And shooting student nurses

would make him feel better.

Geez!

Okay, now, this might sound

like a stupid question,
do you have a flight today?

But where is Julie's penis?

I mean, is it in the tub, maybe?

- Did she break it off?
- No penis.

Oh, it's okay.
He wants to know

- why Julie doesn't have a penis.
- What?

- You have to tell him about girls and boys.
- Not at this age, honey.

- No, I mean, just tell him why we're different.
- No, you do it. I told him

-about the potty bit.
- All right. Take Julie. Go see daddy. Go see daddy.

Mikey, Julie is a girl,
and you are a boy, okay?

Little boys have penises, but girls
don't have them because they don't need

them. It's like mommy...
mommy is a girl,

- so I don't have a penis.
- But she's got some set of balls.

- But daddy is a big... -penis!
- That's right!

- Here we go. What's that?
- Hmm. A penis.

- This one?
- No penis. -That's good!

- He understands. What's this?
Hmm. Tough call.

Oh, boy, was that stupid, or what?
It was very stupid.

I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
It's very... you see, at

this age, people have a tendency

to have a heart attack. You can do that.
You just go up and down.

But eventually,
you have a heart attack, and you...

Jump up and down like
that, and don't forget to

breathe. Don't forget to breathe!
A lot of times, people

just drop dead
here, and you say,

"what happened?" "I forgot to breathe.
I wasn't breathing."

Jump! Jump up and down.
You two, like that. Fine.

You like this house, don't you?
Yes, it's a very good house.

Is it just me,
or is this guy really weird?

You just ripped my face off.

She rips my face off,
and you punch me.

Oh, I've never had
so much fun in my life!

Yo, Eddie, check out the blonde on the
monkey bars! You can see right up her dress

yeah, man, that's Sheila.
We played doctor together

- played doc... where?
- Right over there, man,

- behind that beanbag thing.
- You dog!

Gotta make another house call.

Hmm. Eddie gets all the girls.
He's not wearin' a diaper.

Hmm. Eddie gets all the girls.
He's not wearin' a diaper.

Maybe I ought to give
this potty thing a try.

♪ When you have to pee
you jump up and down

♪ but sometimes
nothing has to come out

♪ so you try to jump up
and down a little more ♪

And I don't have to pee.

I don't have to pee.

I do have to pee and
I better go somewhere.

Here I go. Okay.
Now's the time. I just...

That stuff really sneaks
up on ya.

Hey, I want a ball of
kraft caramel pieces.

Introducing wwf
wrestling buddies,

the rough and ready
wrestlers from tonka!

Wwf wrestling buddies by tonka?
I want one of those!

Here comes the new
cobra hammerhead!

The cobra hammerhead will
sink those Joes!

Wow!
I need a cobra hammerhead!

Hey, I want
a cobra "camerahead."

It's for boys. Geez.

- Hey, Priscilla.
- Hi, Elvis.

- Mikey, guess what I got you, boy?
- A cobra hammerhead?

- An airplane!
- Oh, man.

That's a lear 24,
just like your dad flies.

You know, one day I'll
take you out to the airport

you can sit right
up here with me.

- You wanna do that?
- No.

Man, I have never been
more insulted.

I get up for this job
interview this morning, right?

Everything is goin' great.

- It's for this liberal-type organization, right?
- Which one?

I don't know. The American
foundation of crybabies or some shit.

He tells me the salary,
and I wanted to kick his ass.

Who does he think he's
talkin' to, this guy?

Stu, honey, are you hungry?

No, I'm gonna check out the
faster pussycats in the village.

Oh, that'll be fun for you.

- You think I could borrow $20?
- Sure.

- Hey, Stuart, nice jacket.
- Hey, do you mind?

- I got a date.
- I guess not.

Okay. Here you are. And I want you
to take this. This is some mad money.

Just take it. I don't want
to take the subway, so here.

There's a lot of weirdos,
there. You take a cab.

- There's a lot of weirdos?
- Yeah. Take a cab. Bye, honey.

You know, I don't mind that every job
interview he goes on he gets upset.

It doesn't really bother me that
he takes my clothes without asking.

I can even put up with
his fascist point of view.

But you know what bothers me?

You know what really
ticks me off?

Is this and this.
He drinks everything but a drop

and puts it back.
He takes bites out of everything

and then he puts it back. He reads our
newspapers, our magazines, hides them

before we get a chance to read
them!

- I'll have a talk with him.
- No, no talk.

- I want him out of here.
- He doesn't have anyplace to go.

- Send him to your mother's house.
- No, they'd kill each other.

Mollie, why do you
put him ahead of me?

- I don't!
- You do! Just decide, him or me.

That's not fair! You can't ask me
to choose between you and my family.

He's still your family at your
mother's house.

I'm not gonna kick him out,
and you know what?

- I really hate you for asking me to do this.
- You hate me?

Yes, I think that you are
being mean and selfish.

- I think you're inconsiderate
and stubborn.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- I think you are a big, stupid slob.
- You're just big and stupid.

Okay, I may be big,
but I am not stupid!

- So, you just get out of here!
- I pay half the rent here, baby!

Well, I pay all the utilities!

Fine! Elvis is
leaving the building!

Hey, I don't want him to go.

- What happened?
- Oh, yeah? Chase my daddy away,

I'll show you a thing or two.
Here. Here. Go ahead.

Hey, that's mine!

All the yellin' and
screamin' all the time?

Here's what I think
of your friend here.

Oh, no!

How's that?
Bye-bye, birdie.

Think you're a bird, huh?
Let's see if you can fly now!

Oh, my friend!

You hurt my friend!
You creep!

♪ Are you lonesome
tonight

♪ do you miss me tonight

♪ are you sorry

♪ we drifted apart

♪ does your memory stray

♪ to a brighter summer
day

♪ when I kissed you

♪ and called you
sweetheart

♪ do the chairs
in your parlor

♪ seem empty and bare

♪ do you gaze at
your doorstep

♪ and picture me there

♪ is your heart filled
with pain

♪ shall I come back again

♪ tell me,
dear are you lonesome tonight ♪

- Mollie?
- Who is it? -It's me, rona.

- Hi, hon.
- Do you mind if I stay here for the night?

I'm too scared to go back to my apartment.
I was robbed.

Well, of course you can stay.
What happened?

I went to put the key
in the door,

and I saw it was a little open.
So I peeked my head in,

and the whole place is wrecked.

- Oh, god, what'd they get?
- Everything. They got my telephone,

my stereo, my camera. They got my
grandfather's gold watch. That pocket watch.

- Oh, hon.
- They got all my costume jewelry,

and some of that stuff
was really expensive.

But the worst thing is
everything thrown around,

just when I was getting
organized.

- Help! Freeze!
- Stuart, put the gun down.

- Rona, this is my brother, Stuart.
- Hi. What a surprise.

Mollie never said
she had a brother.

- Hey, I'm sorry for
aiming this thing at you.

That's okay.
No one was killed.

Come on, you can stay
in my room tonight.

Okay. Um...
It was nice meeting you.

- Mollie said some wonderful things about you.
- Oh, yeah?

Look, I'm not gonna
tell you again.

- You move!
- No, you shove over. This is my side.

Get over on your side.
Oohh. What, are you

oohh.

What, are you afraid you're
gonna get recognized?

- Bitchin' wheels.
- Yeah, except I got to ride beside her.

- Here, buzz off.
- Get your finger outta my eye!

- You got a sister?
- Huh-uh. -So much the better for you.

Your mom tells 'em
to be good, they don't.

They just poke you in the eye.

Worse, they... Try and stay
with me when I'm talkin' to you.

- Uh-huh.
- What I'm sayin' is, your parents completely

-forget about you.
- No, dude. Don't say that.

Yeah, well, the way it's
goin'. See ya later.

I got to bail, dude.

Mommy is so funny.

She's always doing
something so inventive.

She's the greatest.
She's so clever.

Imagine, using your hand
and turning it into a duck.

Sure, sure. Laugh now.

Wait till they take out
that big sharp thing

and start sticking you with it.
Huh?

I hope they don't stick
me with anything today.

She'll probably be a little
knocked out from the shot,

so no driving or operating
heavy machinery, huh?

I'm only one and I know
that's not funny.

What's that?

Oh, god. I can't watch
this part.

Oh... my... god!

So it hurts, does it? Hmm?
Hurts just a little?

Will this pain ever go away?

Maybe it will, maybe it won't.

Hey, look at this.

Look what I'm doin'.
I'm walkin'. I'm...

Oh, my tush hurts.

Hey, my friend's back.

Oh. Now I remember.

He killed my friend.

As god is my witness,

I'm going to learn to walk
and get the hell out of here.

Hey, Mike, what do you
say we see a movie?

What do you say you carry me around
town for once, instead of her, dad?

Yeah, bite my teething ring.

All right. We got Schwarzenegger,
and we got Betty boop.

Oh, tough call. They're both really built.
They both talk funny.

Well, what would Arnold
say if he were here?

He'd say, "do it.
Why don't you do it?

You are here.
See my movie." I don't know, Arnold.

I think they're a little young
for your movie, don't you?

Yeah, he says we're too young.

- All right.
- Oh, man. Don't tell me you're gonna pull the...

"Sir, my kid left her shoe
inside, can I go get it ?" Gag.

- Okay. Come on.
- He's not gonna go for it.

- Sir, my kid left her shoe inside. Can we get it?
- Yeah.

- Thanks.
- Okay, I guess he went for it.

Mike, here. Remember your
obnoxious routine, okay?

Remember it?
I live for it.

- Say, "popcorn, popcorn."
- Popcorn, popcorn, popcorn!

- Can I help you?
- Yeah, the kids knocked over the popcorn

- in the theater.
- Popcorn, popcorn, popcorn!

Popcorn, popcorn! All right.
Calm down. Just a minute.

Hey, I can be obnoxious too.

Popcorn, popcorn!

- Popcorn, popcorn!
- Okay. Just go.

Oh, no. Really?

- You're great. Thanks.
- Oh, yeah.

- Thanks a lot.
- It's all right. It's okay.

Always works.

Look, you guys.

You know I'll be home soon.
But it's just your mother.

If she doesn't stop
bossing me around,

I'll never be a good dad, right?

I know that ice cream doesn't
make up for me not being home.

Yeah, well, you know.
But it's a good start.

I miss you kids so much.

Please don't be mad at
me, whatever she says, okay?

And, remember, this has nothing
to do with you guys, all right?

It's not your fault,
and it's not your fault.

I think it is his fault.

- Yeah, well, I think it's your fault.
- Me? You're the bad one.

- I miss you so much.
- Oh, pop!

- Do you miss me?
- Yeah.

Ick. Male bonding
makes me sick.

- She needs to be changed.
- Hi! -Oh. There you go, Mike.

Jimmy, have you given any more
thought to what we talked about?

♪ -What? About me being a big, stupid slob?
- I got a spoon, uh

♪ I got a plate, uh,
we're gonna boom-a-boom-a-boom-boom ♪

- No, not about that.
- The part about my being mean and selfish and

you wanting me out of the house?

I'm sorry! I just got upset because
I didn't think you appreciated

me getting you that j...
Mikey, stop it!

All right, all right!
I'll do it soft.

♪ I got a spoon you know,
I'm not one of the kids. ♪

- I can do things for myself.
- Oh, yeah, like becoming

an airline pilot when you
only fly two hours a week?

- It'll take you till you're 50.
- For your information,

♪ I got myself a job. I got a
plate, uh we got to boom-biddy... ♪

- Knock it off!
- Knock it off! -Whoa!

Why'd they do that?
He was just working his plate.

♪ I was dreamin' of the
past

♪ and my heart
was beating fast

♪ I began to lose control

♪ I began to lose control

♪ I didn't mean to hurt
you

♪ I'm sorry
that I made you cry

♪ oh,
now I didn't want to hurt you

♪ I'm just a jealous guy

♪ I was feelin' insecure

♪ you might not love me
anymore

♪ I was shivering inside

♪ I was shivering inside

♪ oh, I didn't mean
to hurt you

♪ I'm sorry that I
made you cry oh, now

♪ I didn't want to hurt
you

♪ I'm just a jealous guy

♪ watch out I'm just a
jealous guy look out ♪

I'm sorry, Julie.

'Night, baby.

I don't know how you can...

I don't know what they're
talking about.

Listen.

So I said to this guy, "what are
you, some kind of idiot?"

Oh, come on.

I did.
- I said, "file schedule c." -File schedule c.

That's right.

You would, huh?
I would what?

File schedule c.
Yeah, I would.

Okay, I can do it holdin' on.

But I wonder if I can make it
all the way to the couch.

All right. Here goes nothin'.

Yeah, I'm doin' it.
I'm doin' it.

- I'm gettin' there. Yes!
- You walked!

I did it! I made it! I walked!

Honey, you walked! You walked!
Stuart! You walked!

James! Julie...

Jimmy called. He's gonna
pick up the kids tomorrow.

Did he ask to talk to me at all?

Well, it's only been
a couple of days.

- Fine, fine. Let's work.
- I got a spouse who wants to make a contribution

into an ira account, and her
husband's covered by a pension plan.

You'd lose a $2,000 deduction.

I actually think
you're just being lazy.

You need to do a separate and a joint
return and see which one turns out best.

- I know.
- I know you know. -I know you know I know.

Get a load of this asshole here.
He's a teacher, right?

So he figures that his chair
and his desk are one-fourth.

Of his six-room apartment.

So he deducts one-twenty fourth
of his residence as work space.

Stuart, you can't do that.

- He can do it.
- It's only one-twenty fourth, who's gonna care?

First of all, he has a
classroom,

and his school has a teacher's lounge.
That's employer-provided workspace.

- You can't deduct that.
- You're too strict.

- You could get away with it.
- You wanna be a criminal? Good.

What is wrong, doll?

Look at us.
It's Saturday night at 10:00,

and we're here with our 1040s.

- It's tax season.
- I don't care. We should be out, having fun.

Hey, this is fun.

- I know what's wrong.
- No, you don't. -I know what you're thinking.

Okay, what am I thinking?

You're thinking "what's Jimmy doing?
He's out there having a ball."

yeah, "ball" being
the operative word.

Mollie, come on. He's probably on
his sister's couch watching TV.

- He's probably getting laid.
- Oh, Stuart! -Thank you very much.

That's just what I need to hear.

Mr. Wonderful, my brother.

- It was just a physical thing.
- Just work.

- Hey, rona. Let's go and get something to eat.
- Okay, let's go.

♪ Last night a little
dancer

♪ came dancing to my door

♪ last night a little angel
came pumpin' on the floor ♪

Whoa, this is great. My wife would
never let me drive with the top down.

She'd tell me "it would
cause skin cancer."

And she'd say these
would cause emphysema.

And this would cause
liver disease.

♪ Because
in the midnight hour

♪ oh, man!
She cried more, more, more

♪ with a rebel yell

♪ she cried more, more,
more ♪

Whoa! What a rush!

Oh, man!
My wife would have hated that.

How dull! I mean,
you have to have some fun in life!

You know what her idea of
living dangerously would be?

Forgetting one of her vitamins.

What a snail!
Hey, let's go get some pork.

♪ With a rebel yell
more, more, more ♪

- You okay?
- Yeah. I'm fine.

I just wish James would get here
so I can go to work already.

Okay, you little brat,
let go of her head!

Let go. Just, just...
Hey!

Everybody in the circle. Everybody in
the circle. Just... get in the circle.

Get in the circle.

Just, everybody together.
Just, who am I talking to here?

Now, Eddie, run this potty
thing by me one more time.

It's simple. You got to take
control of the situation.

- How you do that?
- You got to say, "hey, yo, pee-pee.

I know you're in there,
but you're not comin' out till I say so."

- The pee-pees just listen to you?
- Sometimes they do,

sometimes they don't, but that's
what the grownups are there for.

- Hey, buster.
- What are you doing?

- Hey, Joey, need some help?
- Get in a circle. Indians dance in a circle.

Hey!

Help me. Jews and Italians
all dance in circles.

Come, kids. Help me. Help me here.
Do that step we do.

Do this, kids!

Good! All right.

- Elvis! Elvis!
- Ooh, Elvis, my man!

Come on! Dance, dance, dance.
Come on!

Damnit, I'll slap you. Dance!

Dance! Hey! Twist, twist!

Come on, twist!

- Follow me!
- Follow him! Follow him! Here, I'll give ya a dollar. Follow!

Come on, show off,
get out of here!

Oh, are you kidding?
I'm having a stroke. Oh, boy!

Hey come here, Elvis, I'm your
kid, not them!

You hit me! You hit me.
Hey, Molly. See you later.

What's with him? He acts like
I don't even exist.

I don't get it.

Am I losing it?

Oh man, Julie. If we're going
to get your daddy back...

We're going to have to do
some serious packaging.

Are you with me, kid?

Yeah!
Let's dress up for daddy!

♪ When I have a brand new
hairdo

♪ with my
eyelashes all in curl

♪ I float as the clouds
on air do

♪ I enjoy being a girl

♪ I flip when a fellow
sends me flowers

♪ I drool over dresses
made of lace

♪ I talk on the telephone
for hours

♪ with a pound and a half
of cream upon my face

♪ I'm strictly a female
female

♪ and my future I hope will be

♪ in the home of a
brave and free male

♪ who enjoys being a guy

♪ having a girl like me

-gee, hi!
- Hey, rona! You look good. -Thanks, doll.

All right, big boy.
I'll see you.

- No no, where are you going? Don't go.
- I got to go!

No, Molly wants to talk to you.

- For what?
- Come on, oh, Jimmy, just talk to her, come on. Be nice.

Oh, hi!

Have you seen my
sunglasses anywhere?

Jimmy, don't you think we should try
and work out some of your problems?

What problems? The biggest problem
I got is squinting my eyes all day.

Don't you even miss this?

Ooh, calling out the
heavy artillery, huh?

- God, do you always have to be such a putz?
- Oh, pipe down.

Hmm, maybe this is a good opportunity
for me to try what Eddie said.

I think I'll just have a talk
with my pee-pee.

I'm getting ready to go to
the potty, so don't come out.

Hmm! I can still feel
them in there.

But maybe it's working.
Maybe Eddie was right!

Okay.
Let's see if I can make it.

I can still feel 'em.
Maybe they're listening to me.

Okay, don't come out,
don't come out!

Ooh, it's getting a little
tougher now.

Don't come out,
I'm almost there.

Ooh! I might make it.

Don't come out! Ooh, had to
pinch that one back. Yeah.

Okay don't come out,
don't come out.

Might make it! If I could just
get these darn pants down.

Oh, wait a minute, hold it...

Mommy, daddy!
Mommy, daddy!

- Huh? What?
- What is that? What's wrong with him?

- Oh! Honey!
- Oh! Mike, you did it! You did it, boy. I'm so...

Wait a minute wait a minute
I'm not done!

Mikey went pee-pee in the potty!

Pee-pee in the potty!
Pee-pee in the potty!

Isn't it great, sweetie?
Your brother went pee-pee!

Big deal. I made a doodey.

I can't believe this, what a
big boy! Good boy!

I haven't felt this good since
the day he was born.

I know, it's so weird, it's better than
money, it's better than airplanes, its...

It's better than sex!

Well, I don't know
about that, but...

You hungry?

- No, I got to go.
- I could fix you anything you want.

I got a nine o'clock flight.

But it's pouring out!

Well, you know what they say.
It's better to be up in the air pouring

than it is on the ground on
the highway in a car!

Well, whoever said that the
highway was safe?

I mean, every year there's 200,000
fatalities related to the rain, and...

Want some chicken?

I don't know, it depends
on how it turns out.

Okay so what do you need?
Paprika, vegetables, what...

Get me whatever you want. Hey, Molly.
Do you want some chicken?

Um, no thanks, honey,
I don't eat meat.

Havoc in five states.
The forecast calls for increased winds...

That's it. I have to talk to
Jimmy, this is crazy.

Hi, this is Mollie rialco.
Could I speak to my husband James?

- He's on the field.
- Oh he is? -Yeah.

- Oh has he taxied out yet?
- Not yet.

Oh good. Could you have somebody go
out there and get him for me please?

- It's an emergency.
- No.

- Do you think you could reach him on his phone?
- No.

- All right, all right. So what terminal is he in?
- Airborne express terminal.

- Okay, got it. What ramp?
- What do I know? You'll have to come in and ask.

Okay. Thank you very much.

Stewart, I've got to go get
James.

You feed the kids their
dinner, all right?

And do not give them any diet
coke like you did last time.

Wait, hold it, hold it,
wait a minute, hold it!

New York center, one
three five point nine.

Mollie, what are you doing here?

I told them that there was a
family emergency.

- Mollie, you shouldn't be here.
- No, Jimmy, you're the one

-who shouldn't be here. It's too dangerous to fly tonight.
- Oh, Mollie, I've told you a

million times. We fly around
the weather.

That's just it! You can't fly around it this
time. It's like wall-to-wall storms out there.

Didn't you listen to the news?

- Honey, the news always upsets you.
- All right, forget the news.

Let's just say that I have this gut
feeling that you shouldn't be up there!

Well we don't need your gut feeling,
we've go sophisticated instruments

that tell me exactly where I
can go and where I can't go.

Now I got my clearance, and I'm leaving.
So would you please go?

- I'm not leaving this plane without you.
- Mollie, get out.

- I'm not leaving.
- Get out! -No!

Four seven papa, due to adverse weather
conditions, we're canceling all flights

until further notice. Do you
read me, four seven papa?

Okay that's four seven papa.
You can cancel our flight plan.

Roger, four seven papa.

So. I guess this time your
feeling is right, huh?

Does it make you happy?

Jimmy...

I love you. I don't care
anymore if I'm right or wrong.

You do too, you liar.

Well, I sort of like being
right. But I do love you.

I love you too.

Auuugh boosh!

I got you!

Bombs away!

A little napalm oughtta
slow you down, colonel!

Thank god they left me with a
responsible adult.

- Chaaaarge! I got you!
- Oh no!

You are my prisoner!

Okay! I give up! I surrender!

Yeah? How about a little
squirt in the nostril?

This ain't over.
This ain't over.

I'll get my troops together,
and we'll be back.

Mikey, watch Julie, okay?

Why, is she gonna do
something besides slobber?

Auuugh! Freeze!
Okay.

Okay. Put the bag down.

Slow, and nobody's going
to get hurt.

Put the bag down.

Hey! Stop!

- Mm, the kids are going to be so excited.
- Who's taking care of them?

- Stewart.
- Stewart?

- Aw, no. What are ya, nuts?
- Don't worry, everything's going to be all right!

Holy cow!

Okay, stay calm, just go
get uncle Stewart.

Uncle Stewart!
Uncle Stewart!

Oh, great!

Hey! Somebody stop that guy!

- Hey! Where's mommy?
- Come on, Julie!

I don't know where uncle Stewart
is, but we got to get outta here!

This is way too much hot stuff!

Mikey, this stuff is scary!

- It's okay, Julie.
- I'm afraid! -I'll take care of you.

I don't know where that
bonehead uncle Stewart is.

- Now just keep your hands in, Julie. Don't touch anything!
- Mikey, it's hot!

Hey, what was that for?

- Well what did you want me to do, let him kill you?
- Oh what are talking about?

Stewart, where are the kids?

They're upstairs.

Oh my god!

I'll take the stairs.

Okay here we go,
I think we're safe.

- Whoa, that was close.
- How did you get down here?

We just walked.

Technically, I was pushed

- honey, get him out and call the fire department.
- Okay, come on, baby.

Turn, then press...
Whoa!

Yes! Yes!

So I chase him all the way down
until he landed on some fire escape

chase him down through this thing, I jump
on the guy, and then I sucker punched him.

He's amazing! Isn't he?

- Oh, Stewart, let's get married!
- Yeah!

All you guys are pretty lucky the
fire didn't spread beyond the kitchen!

Yeah well thank god I got
that fire extinguisher!

I was the one who got the
fir extinguisher.

- I got the fire extinguisher!
- No, I got the fire extinguisher.

Who left the kids with Stewart?
That was a pretty bonehead idea, huh?

Oh... yeah.

Good answer.

I'm worried about you
barbecuing all the time.

- Oh, will you relax?
- It's really not good for the environment, mom.

We just got one of these brand-new
outdoor electric stoves, and they're...

No, they don't do anything bad!

You've gotten to be such a
nudge, I don't know how...

Mikey, okay. You got me out of
the hot stuff. I don't get it.

Well now, listen. You know,
hot stuff can be very bad for you.

It's especially not good
for kids at all.

But I thought you hated me?

I mean, you're always mean
to me and stuff.

Yeah, well, I do hate you
a lot of the time.

You drive me crazy. You bug
me. You poke me in the eye.

But you're my sister.
And its my job to love you.

We got to stick together.

The way I see it, there's us,
and there's them.

Yeah, big ones don't
make any sense.

You never know what big
ones are gonna do.

- That's for sure. That's why we have to stick together.
- Yeah!

You and me.

You and me?

That's right. You and me.

- We're the kids!
- Yeah!

Ow!
Oh, my tush hurts.