Original subtitles

[Song playing]

[Bhasskar] You will not believe me.

I had seen and felt various types and sizes

of more than a thousand breasts in my life.

But I had never seen such shapely breasts.

It felt like.

[Batuknath] It felt like,

it wasn't a breast but a type or coincidence sketched as a circle.

What is this, Bhasskar?

- What? - It sounds more like

a syllabus of geometry than a story.

What is this new thing? No foreplay, direct sex.

You have to build up the story.

[Batuknath] Bollywood film can become a hit without a script.

But in literature, without a story,

it will not sell even for one percent.

As soon as the story gets slackened,

the customer will go to a digital medium.

I can understand. You haven't written since long.

You've lost practice.

It is not sex, that you can't do it. It is just a book.

Try, you will be able to write it.

[Batuknath] Okay, fine. Go. Take this.

Hello. Are you still at the press? I am coming.

Bloody.

How are you, my Banarasians?

[All cheering]

[Rohan] Before beginning the Mishrology's sessions.

All the lovers, raise your hands. Pray to Lord Shiva.

Glory to Lord Shiva.

So, we have amongst us.

By the medium of Mishralogy, my brother.

With some anecdotes of life.

Which you all must have experienced but have never got an inkling.

A big round of applause for the Banarasi Guru,

Devendra Mishra.

[Cheers and Applause]

Get lost f**ker, why do you want to get clicked?

Your excellencies,

the timid man from the land of mortuary greets you all.

And welcome to Mishralogy.

Today a world-class Mishralogy will be about telecommunication.

And if it reaches till you.

Then send it back to me for sure.

[Rohan] The claps should keep coming.

[Applause]

But before Mishralogy.

Mishra's sweets.

Today's sweets are...

mangoes.

Claps!

[Applause]

So, keep attending Mishra's Mishralogy.

And eating Mishra's sweets.

For all of you.

So, let's begin the Mishralogy.

Hold my glares.

The topic of today's Mishralogy is...

first love.

[Cheers]

First love is like the Persian poem of Ghalib.

Its wow the first time you hear it.

But you get f**ked trying to understand it.

Some Shakespearians, call it the first love or the first kiss.

But we are uncouth from Godowlia Chowk, and a typically Banarasi.

I will call it first love only.

[Giggling]

[Applause]

The priest of Trilochan Ghat is, Chidiyanand.

He has a dangerous theory.

About first love. According to him.

First love is like Kalmi mango.

[Man 1] Wow.

Sweet and sour.

Not like the other varieties sold in the market.

Kalmi mango.

Can't make out whether it is sweet or sour.

[Cheers]

To compete with the level of reply to Chidiyanand.

Comrade poet Danda Banarasi, screamed from the Assi Ghat.

Hey, bloody f**ker Chidiyanand.

First love is not mango, mint, garlic or other spices.

First love is like a natural calamity.

Which comes suddenly like a hurricane or a storm.

And rattles you up.

And man bows down on the ground. With his hands raised high.

And prays to each and every helicopter

for the announcement of relief package.

There is an announcement of the relief package.

But it doesn't reach.

And from first love, which the relief package is desired?

Sex.

Not sex, you f**ker. It is hope.

Hope.

With which he tolerates all the tortures of first love.

Hope. For first love,

in which he eats eggs even though he is a Brahmin.

Hope, with whose help,

for first love he starts eating onions being a staunch Jain.

Hoping that his first love will be his last one.

But a bitter truth is bombed on his helicopter of hopes.

The truth is 87.33% of people's first love never lasted.

A poet said in anger.

I laughed and scolded first love.

Bloody, it never tried to come back.

[Rohan] Wow, awesome!

It never tried to come back.

So, I reject both theories.

And present my theory.

First love is like the first world war.

After the first, it feels the second will not occur.

But it definitely happens.

The same way, there is hope. Wish.

The best part of hope and wish is.

When one gets over the other will surely knock at your door.

[Knocking door]

- [Bhasskar] Who is it? - [Pakhi] It's me.

[Door opens]

[Bhasskar] You?

Came to return your clothes.

Okay, thank you. Come in.

Why do your friends always want to throw me out?

- What do you mean? - Mishra wanted to chuck me out.

And yesterday Rohan.

Oh, he is a kid, he doesn't get it.

Will you have water?

I can even have tea, if you wish to serve me.

[Chuckles]

Sure. Less sugar?

Yes.

You look different today.

What do you mean different?

I mean a bit sad.

No, I am not sad, just a bit pressured for work.

Maybe for that.

Work?

That day, when I asked you, what do you do,

you didn't mention anything.

It didn't pop in my mind that day.

I am actually a writer.

I write books.

- Oh. - Yes.

I have written a book called. Methods of Love.

That's awesome.

- Yes. - I also write.

Really, what do you write?

Usually assignments.

But last year a student had done PhD on Indian-mytho scriptures.

So, I had written the thesis for him.

I wrote a very long story.

By the way, I can help you!

No, I mean, I write differently.

No, I can write.

No, Pakhi, you will be able to write.

But it will not be of any use for me.

- Then what is the use? - You are taking me lightly.

[Pakhi] Dev was tearing off my clothes one by one, from my body.

And I was unable to say a word.

I had nothing left except to gasp.

The way he was kissing me increased my heartbeats.

And he laid me on the bed.

He started removing his clothes one by one.

I didn't care about anything else. I just attacked him.

To hell with shame and honor.

We both were travellers of a night.

Passengers talk among themselves.

Listen to their hurt and pains. And never meet again.

Tonight was our night.

And I was willing to do everything wrong,

for which the morning sun could never taunt me off.

This book is written by me not Bad Boy.

So, I became a Bad Girl by one book.

And do you know who inspired me?

- By whom? - Bad Boy himself.

Bad Boy?

Bad Boy?

Who is Bad Boy?

Now don't try to pretend.

I very well know, that you are Bad Boy, Bhasskar.

I think you are misunderstanding.

So, I was thinking,

why don't we unite Bad Boy and Bad Girl?

If we write together, we can create an uproar.

What do you think?

Giving you an offer.

50-50?

Do you accept?

Yes sis, I have reached, but how will I recognize the guy?

White shirt. Okay.

White shirt.

Yes.

Okay, I got it.

Take this.

300 rupees.

Why are you staring at me?

- Can't you hear? - 300 for what?

Oh, so is this solved paper for free?

Hurry up, I don't have time.

Thank you.

I also have solved paper of the final exams.

Let me know if you need it. Bye.

First, let me solve this out.

[Boy 1] Hey, Bindu.

- My solved paper? - Who are you?

- Which solved paper? - I had spoken to Pakhi.

Papers for B.Sc. Mathematics.

I am the one with white shirt.

But he was there. You stay here.

[Bindu] Oh, hello. Stop.

Do you think you are very smart?

Why did you take the papers when you have not ordered for it?

You gave me so I took it.

Oh, so if anyone gives you anything you will take it.

You don't know me. Don't judge me.

I am reading this book.

It is written if you want to achieve anything in life,

then say yes to every opportunity.

But what do you want to achieve?

Why should I tell you?

You wasted my time by taking my notes.

So quickly tell me, I want to know.

I am in search of true love.

Oh, true love.

By the way, true love is found in the movies of Imtiaz Ali.

[Bindu] Not in real life.

You think you will get true love by saying yes to everything?

Of course not, I will not get true love by saying yes for everything.

I have read a different book for it.

Methods of Love.

Written by Bhasskar Tripathi.

You are amazing.

- Okay, give me your phone. - Why?

Give me, I will not run away with it.

- Call me in the evening. - Why?

Why do you want to know that?

You are reading this book. To say yes to everything.

[Bindu] So be it.

Batuk...

you have been printing books for years.

Come to media, will earn lakhs in months.

I am not refusing.

I will get a writer to write stories. Tell me.

No.

No writers Batuk.

I want Bad Boy.

Once the Bad Boy comes on the coloured screen from the black ink.

The countries sperm count will decrease.

Bad Boy will not agree.

He is not a writer but my boss.

Talk to him.

Maybe he will agree.

I will pay the amount you say.

I cannot talk to him.

He is caught in a lot of trouble.

Let the matter cool down. Then I will try.

[Knocking door]

[Door opens]

Are you ready?

[Bhasskar] Uh, yeah.

[Pakhi] Okay so, shall we begin?

Have you written anything?

[Bhasskar] No, I was thinking, what to write.

I was not able to think. Do you want water?

No, I am fine.

- Give me a notebook and pen. - Yes.

[Sighs]

Come here.

Sit down.

Look if we have to work together.

Then we both have to talk to each other openly.

If you feel so shy, then how will we be able to work?

We need to discuss it freely.

Especially about sex.

Okay, first I will tell you my story.

Then you say yours. Fine?

So, let me begin.

I feel I will think about it a bit more.

Then I will be able to understand the story.

So, when I was in grade seven.

In seventh grade? Did it in seventh grade?

No, not in seventh.

Listen to me, I have just started.

[Pakhi] I met him for the first time when I was in 7th grade.

His name was Puneet Kataria.

He was my boyfriend Vishwajeet's best friend.

And I knew, he loved me secretly.

Oh, that means with boyfriends' best friend?

Listen to the whole thing.

So Vishwajeet's father got transferred.

And he left. But Puneet was at my school.

So, once I had gone at a birthday party.

There I met Puneet's elder brother Jitu.

Oh, so it was with Jitu?

No.

He had become my best friend.

We had relations like a family.

So Puneet understood that he didn't stand a chance.

[Pakhi] So Jitu and me joined a coaching class together.

There I met Jitu's best friend Ashok.

Oh, so Ashok?

No, he was like my elder brother.

Not with this one nor with him? Then with whom did you do?

- I haven't done it. - Haven't done it?

What do you mean?

I have never done it. Never. I am a virgin.

You are a virgin?

How is that possible?

Why can't it be?

No, I mean by looking at you.

So, I don't have anything much to say.

So, tell me your story.

Now I feel, I am getting some ideas.

I can write a new story now. I heard your story.

Now I have got an idea. After that.

Bhasskar. Don't be shy now.

Tell me. I told you.

You are north India's beloved Bad Boy.

You would have created a ruckus.

No wonder you write such amazing sex.

So, tell me.

Sit down.

[chair rattles]

Look, Pakhi.

That is the problem.

That I can write sex very well.

But I have never done it.

What do you mean? I didn't get it?

I mean me too, virgin.

Oh, okay. It is fine.

Fine means?

Did you not find it weird?

What is so weird in this?

I mean I am 27 years old.

You are a virgin, not a dumbf**k!

You are an author, you read books.

Your Hindi is so good.

And I am sure you have many good qualities in you.

So...

So, should we begin?

Okay, let's begin.

Bring the laptop.

My mood is on.

- So... - [Knocking door]

- [Knocking door] - Coming.

[Mishra] Open the door.

Bring the coat for me.

[Bhasskar] What is it?

Why did you lock the latch?

It is a latch, can be locked.

What do you mean? Why I locked it?

Just like that.

[Mishra] Lord, save us from the witch.

- Come I will give you the coat. - How are you, Mishra?

I am fine.

What are you doing here in broad daylight?

Bhasskar and me.

- [Pakhi] Look at this. - We were studying Hindi.

I was teaching Hindi to her.

Teaching her Hindi?

[Clapping]

Hindi language must be feeling very proud.

That Bhasskar Tripathi, son of Jagdish Tripathi.

Dinkar, Premchand, Nirala, Bhartendu.

Is the new creator for the upliftment of the language!

[Mishra] And who has declared you the national poet?

That you have started giving tuitions in Hindi?

Why? Should I show you my mark sheets?

I have got good marks in Hindi.

Bring it. I will test your mark sheet. Right here.

Why have you come here?

I came to fetch the coat.

The coat is hanging outside.

Come I will give you. I will be back.

Why do you assassinate my character in front of girls?

And what about Hindi?

Don't you know, I am well-versed in Hindi?

Oh really.

Trijata was her name, the unbeatable demoness.

The one who burns in the house of lacquer are the real heroes.

When the destruction is inevitable,

the conscience of the man dies first.

The man challenges everyone and kills everyone around.

When a man's pride was bowed down.

Beheaded, with bowed head.

- Cut into pieces. - God, stop it!

Your character will not be assassinated,

you will be stripped, in full view.

- Because of this girl. - Talk to girls with respect.

I doubt this woman's intentions.

Why?

I told you, we were sitting and writing.

Then what is your problem?

But you said earlier, that you were teaching.

Now I am saying I was writing.

First, you were teaching, then you were writing.

Had I come a little late you both would have started printing.

Yes. What is your problem?

Were you writing Femina, Woman's Era, Amar Chitra Katha.

- We were writing literature. - Which literature?

The same literature, where boys and girls meet

at a particular locations.

And have an orgasm in 10 minutes.

Yes, we were writing that.

You have come back to your basics. Back to the underworld.

[Mishra] Bloody, if anything goes wrong.

Then don't come back to me with a weird face.

Don't talk nonsense with me.

Give me your black coat.

Why will I give you mine?

I have a session of Mishralogy.

- So, are you doing a favour on me? - So, you do for me.

Join me in Mishralogy.

Or should I light a lamp for you like Lord Rama?

I don't have time to waste.

You have time to latch the door, right?

- Here, take it. - Hope there are no bedbugs.

- Have you dry cleaned it? - Give it back to me.

I will wear the one infected with bed bugs.

But if a bed bug, a centipede, or any insect is around you.

- Then I will kill the pest. - Hey. Stop!

I will kill the pest.

I am your life's insecticide.