Original subtitles

Before you say another word, I need you to think very carefully

We've got a baby. Can you please leave?

OK... Shit!

What? Nothing.

£50,000 is a lot of money, Madonna.

Do with it as you wish, my darling.

It's what Grandpa would have wanted.

Let me give you some advice, Stu.

Make sure you listen to her body.

Dial it back, woman.

Suck my dick!

I think you'd better get the hell out of my casa, chum.

Is this because I threw up in your face? Went straight in my mouth.

What the hell were you thinking?

What are you going to tell Mum?

Get off your arse, you soppy twat!

All right, Dad. Sorry, I'm on a diet.

She's going to be here in a minute.

You've got to snap out of it. Throw some water on him!

Slap him. Slap him?

Kate's on her way. She can't find you like this.

You know how important today is to her.

You've really screwed up, son. Tell me something I don't know, Doc!

I'm not afraid to give you a spanking.

Yeah, I'd like to see you try!

Mum's going to tear you a new one.

What do you want from me?

I've got nothing left!

And whose fault is that?

So help me, Scotsman, I will thump you!

Dad! Do something.

I'm supposed to be starting a new job today. Heads up!

Oh, shit.

Hello.

What's all this, then?

Hi. All right, Mum.

Right.

Well, this is quite the welcome.

Something you want to tell me?

No.

Genius.

OK. Well, er, Suki,

this is my...

This is my husband, Ted.

Hi.

And my daughter, Madonna.

This is my ex-husband, Stuart.

And his father...

..Willie.

Everyone, this is Suki Morgan from the Mail On Sunday.

Hi...

This looks fun.

Yes. What have I missed?

Fun!

Fun.

Run.

Fun run.

Fun run! Fun run.

Raising money for mental health.

Testicular cancer.

Check your balls!

What are you?

She's a testicle.

Yeah.

She's a teste.

Where are the cars?

Ah...

They...are...being serviced. In the garage.

Yeah. In the garage.

Right.

Well, let's go and have some lunch, shall we?

No. No, you can't. Why not?

Yeah. Yeah.

It's just something we do.

A bunch of neighbours doing dips and trading bants.

Right...

Are you sure?

I have been to M&S. I've arranged a lovely spread.

I'VE got a nice spread.

Great. Whatever's good for you.

Right, well, let's all head over to yours, Stuart.

Ted? Absolutely!

So, er, this is a pretty unconventional set-up.

Most people these days live in a perfectly happy blended family,

and we're no different.

So you all get along?

Get along?! This guy!

What are you doing?

The stories I could tell you about this player!

Go on.

Oh, God, you know?

Badminton.

Yes.

We're just a regular family who enjoy each other's company.

Damn straight.

So, what route did you take? What do you mean?

The fun run. Oh! You know, round the block...

What the hell's going on? What's happened?

It wasn't me. Where are your trousers?

You need to speak to Ted. Stuart...

You need to speak to Stuart. I'm only good with the edible kind.

What's the brown one, Stuart?

Um...Michael. Tea?

I'll have a chamomile if you've got one.

I'll do that. Ted? A hand?

Er, no. Not really.

Sorry? I'll do it.

Fine.

Yep.

They'll just be a couple of minutes. Do take a seat.

Where are YOU going?

To the bedroom. Why?

They took all my clothes.

Jesus Christ, that was close.

Kate's not daft. She knows something's wrong.

Well done, Einstein. What do you wanna wear?

What have you got?

Where's the rest of them?

This is it. Yeah, but where's the good stuff?

This is it.

No, that's just supermarket jeans and multipack T-shirts.

So?

Oh, God. All right, um...

Pass me the floral shirt. That's the least offensive.

You're not wearing that. That's me going-out shirt.

Oh, God! I don't care. Just give me anything.

It all looks the bloody same!

Remind me never to lend you a suit again.

I panicked. You didn't have to tell them it was mine.

I get nervous around authority.

It's a three-piece Boss!

I hope Kate's gonna be all right.

What about me? They took the Lambo!

Well, it's not about you.

If it was, I wouldn't be helping.

You're going to have to tell her.

Of course I'm going to have to tell her, you berk! Just not now.

It's going to go off like soddin' Krakatoa!

I tell you what. That fun run thing was a stroke of luck.

I don't know. Some dog.

Why would a dog take our trousers?

I don't know!

Maybe we were having a barbecue and the sausages spat on them!

Oh, God, this is painful.

Look at me! I think you look good.

No, I don't. I look like you.

What's wrong with that?

Look at me!

Come on.

Can you not smack my arse again?

We're supposed to be mates.

So, how long had Ted lived over the road before

the two of you got together? Six months?

Oh.

Yes, but by that time, Stuart and I were very much voluntarily dividing.

Look, I really would like to talk about my new policy ideas.

So you left Stuart for Ted?

Oh, I wouldn't put it like that.

Oh! Look at you two.

You look exactly the same.

Oh! What can I say?

My man's got style.

Hmm. Yep.

So you and Stuart weren't separated

when you got together with Ted? No, no, no.

No, that's not what I was saying.

She left me five months before she officially moved in with him.

Right. And where did you stay in the meantime?

With me.

There's no angle on this.

Stuart and I met at university.

We got married at 23,

had 18 happy years together

and then five tricky ones,

as it became apparent we wanted different things.

What was it that YOU wanted, Stuart?

Well, um, you know...

I like watching telly.

Christ.

Look, the point is,

Stuart's pulled his socks up.

He's got a new family, and now we all get along terrifically.

Stuart?

Lunch?

Yep. I'll give you a hand.

And how has Madonna coped with all this?

Oh, Madonna has tremendous resilience.

Oh, God!

What are you doing? Looking for food!

We've got a load of posh nibs over at ours. Just bring it all over.

I'll stay here and do the whole devoted husband thing.

This is ridiculous. I'm supposed to be starting a new job today!

Oh, come on, Stuart. You're a bit old to be a receptionist.

Front desk executive!

We need to get some food from your mum's.

Shaggy.

So, what was this march about?

Extinction Rebellion.

I'm supposed to be the blood of Mother Earth,

but now, according to you, I'm just a bollock.

Sorry about that. I panicked. I think you look great.

Whatever.

Hello!

Yeah. Sorry, I meant to call.

Yeah. There's been a bit of a family crisis.

Someone took me trousers. Well, me neighbour's trousers.

I AM taking this seriously.

One strike? That's not even a thing.

Can't I have another strike?

Hello?

Oh, fucking hell!

Don't worry, you can watch telly at mine. Your telly's tiny.

Oh, the bailiffs have taken all the food!

How much does he owe?

Don't know. I almost feel sorry for him.

I don't. No, neither do I.

Do you think they're gonna take the house?

If they do, you can come and live with me.

Uncle Charlie's gone now, so you can have your old room back.

Be like the old days.

Fuck...that.

Just a thought.

Let's see if Sandy and Barry have got any food.

I did a bit of protesting at uni.

They were closing down the library.

So?

I was just saying. It's good to be part of something.

Fight for justice.

Get behind a cause.

They turned it into a nightclub.

Burnt down. Block of flats now.

Martin Kemp owns one.

Who?

All right?

All right.

Is Barry in?

Hi, guys.

Love the new look, Madonna.

Barry there?

Sure. He's in the living room.

Barry!

Just go and get some coffee.

He's got his headphones on.

Oh, hello.

Sorry. Just in the middle of an opera marathon.

Fan of Wagner?

He's all right.

Oh, don't tell me.

Apple? Cherry? Plum?

Bollock.

Please yourself.

I take it you met Paul?

Not really.

He's our new lodger.

Hey?

Sure.

OK.

Look, um, I've got some unexpected guests

and, er, I've got no food in.

Have you got anything?

Hold tight. I'll just go and quiz the fridge.

Noisy morning.

What do you mean?

Oh. Yeah. Right.

Poor Ted.

Yeah.

Here you go!

They're all in date.

Thanks.

Are you two going to get dressed today?

Do you think Paul and Sandy...?

Of course they are!

It goes without saying,

I think the elderly are valued members of society.

So what are your views on subsidised care homes?

She doesn't care about us.

How many people over 60 do you speak to on a daily basis?

We're not talking to you, Willie.

But, roughly, how many? Our cleaner's in her 80s.

I mean, we don't talk to each other, I don't speak Turkish,

but I still consider her a friend.

It's all take, take, take with you lot. If it moves, you'll privatise it.

It's not about privatisation.

It's about delegating financial responsibility to...

The highest bidder?

Some of my best friends were saved by the NHS.

If they go private, it might screw up my dick pills.

Lunch is almost ready. Lovely. What are we having?

His deli platters are to die for.

Fish pie, sweet and sour pork...

..and rice pudding.

Can you give me a hand, Dad?

Yeah. And I will

take on board what you've said, Willie. Good!

And free rubber johnnies for the over-70s.

Now, please.

Pensioners really are the backbone of our society...

What's wrong?

Stop winding her up. We're supposed to be making her look good.

I'm trying to protect my dick pills.

What the fuck?!

I apologise for making things awkward, Kate.

But I'm a bit grumpy since I gave up food.

I don't care, Willie. And stop pacing.

I've got to hit my steps.

What the hell's going on? Why is Madonna red?

Why is Ted being so nice to you?

And where were your fucking trousers?

Got a new job. So?

Bertha was sick on my suit. I had to borrow one from Ted.

So why were you in your pants? And where is the suit?

A dog took it.

What dog?

I don't know. Some dog.

Shall I tell her? No!

Tell me what?

You need to speak to Ted.

I'd better get that.

Stuart! Who's the guy who writes your car reviews?

I really like him. He knows his machines...

Humphrey.

Steve. Stuart. Stuart. Now's really not a good time.

It never bloody is, is it? Where's Apes?

She's at mother and baby shiatsu.

OK. Well, I might as well just come out with it.

I've done some number crunching, and I'm pretty sure Bertha's mine.

What? Don't be stupid.

Who's this?

I'll tell you this is. My name's Humphrey Roehampton.

I was April's fiance, and I'm father to this man's daughter.

No, you're not. You look nothing like her. Bugger off!

I'm not going anywhere until this is dealt with.

Can you keep it down, please? We've got guests.

Do they know that you stole my baby? I want a paternity test.

No chance! You'd better lawyer up, princess.

Cos I'm not handing over my granddaughter to you.

Dad, can you leave us alone?

Twat.

Listen, if you want to take it down the legal route, then bring it on.

I play golf with Sting's solicitor.

So? How can you bring up a child here?

Not exactly screaming "cash", are you?

I just got a really good job, actually.

Stuart, whatever this is, can it wait? I'd like a word.

What's it going to be, chum?

Both of you, tell me now, what is going on?

I've got to pee! Ted!

My sex life is incredibly demanding.

Sounds intriguing.

Oh, Christ!

Tell me more.

We don't want to know about your sex life, Willie.

I do. I don't.

the amount of drugs that I ingested over the years.

- Dad... - And do you still

take recreational drugs? Aye, loads.

Dad, could you get that?

Aye.

If it's that toff, can I slap him in the ball bag?

Oh, God. No.

Sorry, how is any of this relevant to the article?

I'm just trying to build up a bigger picture of your family.

Oh, he's not my family.

Can I just say, for the record,

I'm totally against the use of drugs?

Unless it's Pinot.

Enjoy a drink, do you?

Oh, only with a box set.

It's only Barry. Oh, God.

- Felicitations. - What do you want, Barry?

So sorry to steamroll through your lunch,

but, Stuart, I think I owe you

and perhaps everyone, really, an explanation.

Sorry, whatever it is, could it wait?

I feel these things are best out in the open.

I'm not sure they are.

We're all friends, and I haven't been entirely transparent with you

re mine and Sandy's domestic situation.

- Sorry, you are? - Oh, forgive me. Barry Foskin.

Next door at number 4.

Suki Morgan. Mail On Sunday.

They're doing a lifestyle piece on me.

Oh, I see. Well, this is strictly off the record, Suki.

Of course. Barry...

Now, in the coming months, you may see Sandy with a young man.

- His name is Paul. - You mean, your lodger?

What's this?

Ah, I'm glad you're here, Ted.

Saves me a trip.

I'm just filling everyone in on Paul - Sandy's...

..second partner.

Oh, dear.

No, no, no, Stuart, it's absolutely fine.

You see, we are in what is commonly known as -

correct me if I'm wrong, Suki -

Barry, why don't you go home?

So, Sandy's biffing this Paul guy?

Well, by mutual consent.

It's all very fair.

Paul and Sandy are going to be together Monday through Thursday

and every other weekend,

And I do the rest. Unless she wants to be on her own.

- Doesn't sound very fair. - When Sandy handed me the leaflet,

that's the first thing that went through my head.

So, how do you work out the sleeping arrangements?

Really? It's very straightforward.

Should I need to go in the bedroom on a Paul and Sandy night,

I just announce myself with a special knock or a big sneeze.

You poor bastard.

I'm very happy.

And I'd like you, as my friends and neighbours, to be happy for me.

We are, Barry.

But maybe go now.

Yes, quite so.

I shall skedaddle.

Last thing you need is me rabbiting on.

Not after the morning you've had, Ted.

I had the bailiffs round myself once.

What? See you, then, Barry.

Took my whole collection of vintage beer mats.

That's back when I refused to pay the old poll tax.

You can put that in your article if you like, Suki.

The bailiffs were here? Come on, Barry.

Have I said something I shouldn't? I'd better go.

I said I'd run Paul and Sandy a bath.

Ted? Bailiffs?

What? No, I'm sure it's not what it sounds like.

Ted?

Tell her.

Yes, Stuart, tell her.

Me? Yes.

It was you, wasn't it?

Yeah, it's my fault.

SIGHS

Go on.

Yeah, go on, Stu.

Well...

..not only am I Ted's best mate...

..I'm also his business partner.

Isn't that right, Ted?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

And...

I've been having a few problems.

Right.

Right...

Yeah, keep going, big man. You're doing the right thing.

Yes, go on, Stuart.

Tell us what's going on.

Well, the long and short of it is...

..I've bankrupt the company.

What?!

Yes. His actions might mean we lose the house.

Oh, God, no!

Stuart!

How much did you lose?

Somewhere in the region...of...

1.2 million.

Yeah, that's it.

Fucking hell!

Stuart!

So, ex-husband gets his revenge by wilfully destroying MP's life?

Yeah.

Stuart! Not now, Barry!

- So you weren't on a fun run? - I'm afraid that was a lie.

Yes, Stuart thought it was best to lie.

So, why are you painted red? I'm trying to save the planet.

Next year I'm sailing round the Arctic.

Going to use the money Grandpa left me.

Ah, yeah, you'd better put the brakes on that one.

Why?

Yes, why?

Stuart?

What?

There's something else Stuart hasn't told you.

Um...

He had to dip into Madonna's inheritance to pay off

Don't speak to him like that. He's your dad!

He had his reasons.

How much did you dip into it...

..Stuart?

Um...

Be honest, mate. Be honest.

He dipped into all of it and took all of it out!

Fuck! Did I?

I am a fucking wanker!

Shut up, everyone! I think he's having a heart attack!

Dad! Grandad!

Oh, my God! Call an ambulance!

I'll get Paul. He knows first

aid. Works on the oil rigs.

Don't worry, Dad. Help's on its way.

Come here, son. There's something I need to tell you.

I'm here, Dad.

If I don't make it, you need to know...

I love you too.

That moustache...

..makes you look like a tosspot.

Yep.

We need to move quite swiftly. There's been a major

deterioration in his renal function.

So, there's something wrong with his, what, renus?

You bankrupt us, steal Madonna's money and this is somehow on me?!

Are you drunk?

Yeah. But in a good way, not in a "what's the point?" way.

All right, Stu? That's him!

Your dad mentioned you had a tiny phobia of needles.

It's not tiny.

Oh, fuck off!

I'm not missing the look on your face when you find out

I'm Bertha's dad. You're not. Stop saying that.

I paid for the test. I should be there when they announce the winner.

And that's 100%, is it?

Well?

You Can't Judge A Book By Its Cover by Bo Diddley