Original subtitles

Chris-Chris-Christmas

Comes once a year

We send goodwill and presents appear

All round the world down the chimneys

He's there

Filling his belly with biscuits and beer

Santa brings Christmas

Laughter and joy

Every Christmas, every toy

He's such a great guy

Christmas, Christmas

Santa brings Christmas for good girls and boys

Ho ho ho! Hi, kids!

It's almost Christmas!

It's not Santa. Ha ha!

It's Crazy Dave from Crazy Dave's Toys.

I've got bigger toys. I've got better toys.

I've got billions of toys.

Don't wait for the real Santa.

It's Christmas every day here at Crazy--

Need that last minute Christmas tree?

Cheap-Ass Chainsaws will see you right.

Just buzz on in to your nearest store

for Santa's cut-price specials.

When the big fella is on his way. Oh, no!

Big night ahead, and you're under the weather.

Thank goodness for Bye Bye Cold.

Stufur!

Get in here!

Yes, Boss?

What is this?

Licensing. We've been through this before.

Whatever happened to spreading peace and goodwill

by delivering presents to the children of the world?

No, we can't do that without a balanced budget.

Earn more, spend less.

That is why I sold the reindeer.

Sold?

That old sleigh was so last century.

We have to move with the times.

Your new sleigh is more cost-effective,

and it's all run by this device.

Reindeers, they are Christmas.

Our gross tonnage of presents

per air mile has gone up by 45 percent this year.

The reindeer can't handle the pace.

Yeah, I know how they feel.

Another beautiful summer's day here in Godzone.

Hope you haven't left the Christmas shopping

to the last minute.

In the next hour, your chance to win

a year's supply of sausages

and a barbecue to go with it.

Hi, Santa.

It's Sam from New Zealand here.

I hope you're well up in the North Pole.

When my great-great-great grandfather started out,

he had a small sack of simple wooden toys

made by his elves, and kids loved it.

Try telling these kids that.

I want a new pony.

It has to be a white one. I'm sick of brown.

I want boots that are going to make me win.

Not these useless things.

I want a new phone, a new tablet, some new clothes.

Come on, Santa.

Call that a video game, Santa?

It doesn't even kill people.

Sure, I'll take care of your request right away!

No, no, no, Boss, don't take it personally, no.

Of course I take it personally.

I am Santa!

Get out, get out, get out of here!

Get out of here!

Do you know what you can do with this job!

You can shove it!

Ow, ow, ow!

Yes.

That's far enough. New Zealand.

Yes, yes, you'll never find me!

You see, well, my mum and dad are separated,

and all I really want for Christmas

is for them to get back together.

Sam, come on! Are you ready?

Yep, I'm ready.

Who were you talking to?

No one.

Look, I've told you before,

there's no such person as Santa Claus.

- There is so! - Even if there was,

he won't know where you're going.

He'll find a way. He always does.

So what'd you ask for?

Nothing.

Molly, don't! Give it back! Give it back!

I'm calling Mum.

And these personalized crackers really show you care.

Exactly. Make that extra effort to show your family

you really love them.

And what better way to show them

than with this simple Christmas menu.

Dark chocolate and whisky tarts

with dehydrated berries and black salt.

Mum, Molly's beating me up.

- Am not. - Am so.

Dad hasn't picked us up.

We're here by ourselves,

which is technically illegal.

Kids, eh?

And so then the piece of string said,

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

Hey, was that your phone?

Oh, the kids!

Oh.

Liz!

You were supposed to pick the kids up two hours ago.

Could you do me a huge favor, finish off?

- Eh? - Thanks.

Come on, come on, start!

Pete. Pete!

Look, I'll meet you at the turnoff to the beach.

So you want me to take the kids.

Only to the turnoff. It'll make life much easier.

You know what? You sticking to your promises

would make life easier.

Come on, Liz. It's on your way.

You just never stick to a plan, do you?

Look. My plan is to take the kids camping

to spend time together

because they're gonna have a proper Kiwi Christmas.

That's my plan

Liz, please.

Just get there as soon as you can.

Oh.

Sorry, Doug.

I owe you one. Merry Christmas.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, I've come for the boat!

You've missed three payments!

I know you're in there!

Who do you think I am, Santa?

I'm not a charity!

I know you're in there!

I don't have time for this! It's Christmas!

Oi!

Sorry, fellas.

Holy...

Now that is something.

I won't be needing this anymore.

Boss? What are you doing in there?

I haven't got you down for any test flights.

- That is right. - Where are you going?

As far from here as possible!

Oh, heck.

No, no, no, no, no.

A million times, no!

Stufur!

We got a code red.

Boo!

Yeah!

Code Red! Code Red!

- We've never had a Code Red before!

No.

There's been no training for this!

I think Santa's gone AWOL.

He's here!

Hey!

- Hi, son. - Dad.

How are you, mate? Are you all right?

- Good day, Dad! - Hi, my darling.

- I missed you both, heaps. - Missed you too.

Alrighty.

Hi.

- I didn't forget. - No, no, no, of course not.

You never do. You just get a bit distracted.

- Look at Dad's boat! - Choice!

And did you buy that with money you don't have as well,

just like the TV you bought before the oven got repossessed?

Liz, take it easy.

I am taking it very easy.

I'm going to have a great time in Rotorua at Cathy's wedding.

Ah! Excuse me.

Cathy, hello!

I'm calling the wedding off!

No, no, you can't.

Yes, I can.

- Honestly, men... - No, no, no, no, no.

Roberto's had an accident.

Mountain biking? Oh, my God!

No. He slipped over getting a latte.

Will he be okay?

Not for the honeymoon, he won't.

So I'm postponing the wedding for two weeks.

Postponed for two weeks.

I'm really sorry, babe. I'll call you later.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

That's no good.

- You can come camping with us. - Awesome.

No, no. The resort's already been paid for.

You always loved camping.

Remember when Mum and Dad attacked us

with those water bombs?

And then Mum and Dad had too much wine

and got all smoochy.

Yeah, yeah, right-oh. Okay, that's enough.

You could come camping with us, and still do the wedding.

Be like old times.

Yeah, but it's not like old times, is it?

Come on.

I'll make some room.

Oh.

Fireworks for New Year's Eve.

Don't tell your mum.

Sam, pass me that suitcase, mate.

Get around, get around!

Liz! Get over here, Liz!

Oh.

Could've been worse.

Brilliant, Pete.

Absolutely brilliant.

Whoa.

All I want is to rent a car.

Not until after Christmas.

What? After Christmas?

- Hey, are you kidding me? - That's right, lady.

Hello?

Well, at least you got your clothes.

Yeah, but I haven't got my car. My nice little car!

Okay, um, I am so sorry.

I was just really looking forward

to a really nice, relaxing holiday, okay?

Yeah, we know.

Look, the last thing I wanted was for your plans to be ruined.

But, well, since we're all here,

why don't you at least spend Christmas with the kids?

- Yeah! - It's only for a couple days,

and I'll drive you to Rotorua on Boxing Day,

if that's what you want.

- Come on, Mum. - We've got the pup tent.

We've got plenty of food. We can make it work.

For the kids.

I'll be on my best behavior, I promise.

- This doesn't look good. - Mm.

Boss, if we don't get all the stuff delivered,

there'll be millions of disappointed children

all around the world.

Yeah. That's millions of ungrateful kids.

You can't do that. You're Santa.

Ah.

Sure beats the city, doesn't it?

No Wi-Fi, though.

I'll Wi-Fi you.

What?

Ah, welcome to Paradise.

Mm. What have we got here?

Oh, yeah. Oh.

Good afternoon, sir. Coastal Security.

Guarding our coast to keep you safe.

Just doing a routine check. You got anything to declare?

I don't think so. Just an old bag of chips under the seat.

Pete, just stop it.

This is actually no laughing matter.

My job is to keep out undesirables

that can come in by land, sea or air.

In fact, I think you could be harboring

some Ciona Intestinalis?

Now, don't move while I inspect your rear end.

Of your boat, of your boat.

I meant to say boat.

- Hadn't finished. - Okay.

So is this the only fruit you have with you?

That's right.

Then what do you call this?

That's our Christmas cake.

Yeah. A Christmas cake containing fruit.

Fruit? I'll take care of that!

You guys are gonna have to leave this with us.

It needs to be disposed of in the appropriate manner.

Hey, why don't we just let them off

on a warning this time, eh?

Tama, a word.

- Yeah, sure. - Just hold it there, folks.

Yeah?

Are you gonna be the one to let in a tiny piece of fruit

that releases the larvae of a fruit fly,

and brings down New Zealand's entire agricultural system?

It's a Christmas cake.

It's a Christmas cake.

A little Christmas cake, eh?

Yeah.

Ah!

Too much.

What are you lot still doing here? Scat!

Grapes. Another biological hazard.

Merry Christmas, guys.

What a waste.

For your information, we're just doing our jobs.

Keeping our coasts safe, okay?

- All right! - Okay.

Come on, Pete, let's go.

All right, let this lot through!

Don't forget to recycle, eh, mate?

Hey, look, the hippies are back.

And the family with the kitchen sink.

Here we go, good ol' family campsite.

Ah.

I'll just get 'em to move.

Hey, boys.

Look, I'm afraid, um, you're in my spot.

Really? Oh, I'm sorry, mate,

'cause I booked and paid for this site.

They must have made a mistake.

Show me your booking slip, and I'll move.

I don't have a booking slip.

- So you've just turned up? - Oh, no.

I mean, we've been coming here for years.

This has always been our spot.

And now you just want me to move.

Yes, please.

Well...

I got a little Christmas message for you.

Get lost.

Merry Christmas.

Ah...

You know what?

I just remembered, this spot is rubbish.

It's too windy.

I know the perfect spot. It's just along here.

I like that spot.

Two, three, nice and easy.

That's the one. Here we go.

Do you even know what you're doing, Pete?

Ah, of course, I remember. Do it in my sleep.

Should we time you?

Dad loves a challenge.

Right, first up the poles.

Liz!

- Norman and Elsie. - Oh!

Lovely to see you again.

Oh, Molly!

She's shot up in the last 12 months.

I've been taking illegal steroids.

Sorry?

Nothing.

And don't tell me.

This young man here is Sam, right?

Yeah, that's me.

Know what? Can I have the poles, please?

Oh!

Oh, Norm and Elsie, how are you?

- Hello, Pete! - Hey!

Lovely to see your happy family again.

Actually, Mum and Dad are having a trial separation.

- Oh. - Kids, eh?

Yeah, well, um...

bet you're looking forward to Santa Claus coming, eh?

Yeah, but I don't think he'll find me this year

'cause I've forgotten to tell him we're going on holiday.

Oh, no, don't you worry, I promise you.

Santa will find you.

- Yeah, well, we've got to go. - See you later.

- Bye. - See you, Norm.

That was a bit rough, mm-hm?

- Sad. - Yeah.

Yellow poles, please.

- Where's he going? - He's lost his marbles.

Well, he's not gonna find them down there.

Ooh.

I'm tasting...

blackcurrants,

Jupiter berries,

marshmallow biscuits,

and, uh...

cinnamon muffins.

Ah, this is the life, eh?

Hey, Dave?

Do you know that there's 17,000 kilometers

of coastline in New Zealand?

Yes, mate, and it's our job

to guard every centimeter of it.

Yeah, right.

Another disappointing day.

You're gonna need to make yourself a really good catch

if you want to get out of this backwater.

That'd take a miracle.

Oh, oh, oh! Oh!

- Ohh! - Whoa!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Sausage, Dave?

Most gentlemanly of you, Tama.

Here it comes.

I don't know who you are,

but I'm gonna bust your backside.

Mmm. Ah!

Yes, Boss.

We have an intruder trying to enter our airspace

and slip in under the cover of darkness.

Ah!

They're coming your way now.

Keep your eyes peeled.

Eyes peeled, Boss. Don't you worry.

Oh, sorry, bro.

But the instructions say green first, then black.

Yeah, well, instructions are for the cognitively impaired.

Just forgot your father always has to do it his way.

The right way.

Can't we just start again, and try to do it together?

"Oh, I know what I'm doing."

How many times have I heard you say that?

Not my fault you're such a control freak.

I'm just telling you what it says.

I don't need to be told what to do.

- I know how to do it. - Obviously.

Idiot.

- You're an idiot. - You're an idiot.

- You're an idiot. - You're dumb.

Sam, what the heck do you think you're doing?

You should know better than to bring fireworks.

Yeah, it was just for fun.

Ohh!

Pull up, pull up, pull up!

Pull up, pull up, pull up!

Oh, no!

What's going on?

What's happening? What's happening? What?

No, you.

Boss?

That thing just flew over the bay.

Did you see anything?

That is a negative, Boss.

Check it out! Now!

- Sam! - Sam!

- Are you all right, son? - Oh, my God!

Hey, help me get him into the recovery position!

Is he okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey!

- This guy needs help. - Okay, sir, calm down.

Look, we've had some reports of unidentified flying objects.

In the sky.

Flying around.

- You seen anything? - Nothing round here.

Probably just a fruit fly out to get you.

Pete.

It'd be a battle of wits.

- Pete! - I've got my eye on you.

Oh, for goodness sake! What about this poor man?

Oh, well, what do we have here?

Mm. Drinking and swimming.

He should know better at his age.

Easy on the sauce there, Granddad.

Yes.

Come on. Up you go. There you go.

- Did you find anything out? - No, he's not a local.

None of the other campers know him either.

I reckon he's from some old folks' home.

- Probably got confused. - Shh.

Well, he can't stay here.

Okay, okay.

There is no need to panic, all right?

He's just stopped for a rest. He'll be back in time.

We need to have everything ready for him.

So go! Git!

That sleeping bag okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Good, fabulous. Thanks!

Great.

- Night, family! - Night.

- Night, darling. - Night, son.

Gotcha.

Ah!

Isn't this glorious?

Ah.

Yeah!

Yeah. Mum said you needed a hat.

Dad said it's time for breakfast.

Breakfast? Yes.

Thank you.

Oh, yes.

Look, I'm just saying--

As long as the kids are safe, it'll be fine.

Here he comes.

You've had quite the adventure.

- My son found you in the drink. - Drink?

- The water. - He's still hungover.

You should take it easy on the sauce, mate.

- Sauce? - Drink.

Oh.

Anyway, I'm Pete. This is Liz, my...

Hi.

Hi.

- Uh, Molly and Sam. - Hi.

I remember now. And my name is San...

Stan.

- Stan? - Stan.

- Well, hi, Stan. - Hi, Pete.

Now that accent tells me you're not from around here.

Where you from?

I'm-- Up north.

Oh. You might know my whanau.

Mmm.

Yeah. Ohh...

Anyway, wrap your laughing gear around this.

Laughing gear?

Has anyone said you look like Santa?

Hey, Sam, don't be rude.

- But he does. - It's all right.

I have heard this many times before.

So where exactly are you staying?

With my family.

Oh, nice. Are they here?

No, not yet.

Oh. How did you get here?

By bus.

But we found you on the beach.

Yeah, yeah, on the beach, yeah.

By water bus.

Okay, well, your family,

are they supposed to be here already?

- Is that right? - Yes.

I'm sure they'll turn up.

Whoo!

He still believes in Santa Claus.

And you don't?

It's scientifically impossible.

Santa has 24 hours to deliver presents

to over a billion children.

That gives him one-thousandth of a second per household

to drop down the chimney, leave the presents,

and eat the snacks left for him and his sleigh.

Sounds hectic.

And don't get me started on how eight reindeer

could ever provide enough thrust

to move that sort of present payload.

45 % bigger this year too.

Really?

Oh, ah, I imagine.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Off your backsides.

Tama!

Surveillance headquarters just intercepted this call.

God, I love Surveillance headquarters.

Boss, if we don't get all that stuff delivered,

there'll be millions of disappointed--

"That stuff delivered". Do you know what that means?

Um, he's a pizza man.

- Hawaiian? Oh! - Cheesy crust.

It means they're smuggling something illegal

into this country.

Do you know how I ended up with you two clowns?

How?

Because I let the Calici virus

slip through my fingers.

It was smuggled in down the underpants of a farmer

on my watch.

And do you wanna know why that's never gonna happen again?

Yeah, because your gonna use rubber gloves next time?

It's so hard to soar with eagles when you're working with kiwis.

No, you idiots!

Because you two are gonna track him down and find him.

- Understand? - Yes, Boss.

This man here appears to be the courier, okay?

Now, he's wearing some sort of disguise.

Have you seen him before, Tama?

Ah, no, no, never.

Track him down, find out what he's up to,

and stay undercover.

Don't let him recognize you, okay?

We need to catch this sicko red-handed.

And if you guys fail,

I've been asked to recommend two Border Security members

to do a two-year stint on a small island.

Oh, nice!

In Antarctica!

According to Einstein,

time makes very strange things.

If you can move faster than the speed of light,

you build a sleigh with an antimatter warp engine,

and according to my calculations,

Santa would be back home at North Pole

before he even left.

But what's the point in him?

Young lady, he must have some uses.

I hear he's a very intelligent and very clever man, this Santa.

Clever enough to bring our parents back together?

Santa cannot change the way people feel and think,

though it might be a better world

if he could.

Gidday, gidday. Thought I'd introduce yourself

as it looks like we're neighbors.

- Hi. Liz. - Harry. Good to meet you, Liz.

Those are my boys, Mick, Rick and Dick.

Ah, nice to get away for a wee break, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, especially when you're a solo dad

and, you know, you're trying to make the best of it.

- Oh? - Yeah, widower.

My wife Melissa, she...

She got a brain tumor.

Yeah, we met in Form Two. She was the love of my life.

- I'm so sorry. - Hey, these things happen.

But it's been hard on the boys, obviously.

Anyways, if you ever want to come for a ride in my boat.

Ah, no, thanks, mate.

Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you two were--

No, no, no. Pete's my ex.

Ah, trial ex.

Well, I think it's great that you two

put the love for your kids ahead of any personal differences,

and come away on holiday together.

Yeah.

Um, Harry just invited me for a ride in his boat.

2.5 horsepower?

Yeah, I got, ah, 15.

Ah, 2.5 is enough to get me to the big one.

Huh. I'd hate to see the size of your carbon footprint.

Ah.

Bigger than yours, mate.

Hey, let's get out on the water, eh?

- Make a day of it, yeah? - Yeah!

Okay.

Hey, guys, don't forget your togs and towels!

So you and Pete are separated?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, news travels fast in our family.

We're just too different.

Pete lives in the moment. I like to plan ahead.

But ever since he moved out, we've had no money problems.

We don't argue anymore.

The kids are still doing well at school.

I'm a lot happier now, that's for sure.

- Yes. - Go, Dad!

Sometimes you just have to do

what you think is... best for you.

The secret to surveillance

is to get as close as possible to the enemy camp, okay?

Stealth, yep, stealth.

Hey!

Sneaky.

- Oi! - Hey, mate.

Nothing to see here, people. Just carry on, yep.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

All right, hold on!

We're gonna go round one more time!

Keep going!

Whoo-hah!

Hang on, boy, that's the one!

Good boy, Sammy!

Yeah!

Could be anywhere.

Good boy, that's the one!

Oi! Oh.

Gotcha.

Okay. We need to observe him up close.

Perfect.

Okay.

Oh!

Oh, okay.

Oh, oh, oh.

Andy, there's some creep perving at me.

Uh...

Wow! That was fun!

Yeah, but it's not for me.

Okay, so...

plan B.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay, okay, here we go, here we go.

Gotta limber up. Okay, yeah, yeah, good, good.

Okay, okay, pass it.

Go back, go back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're good.

Aah! Oww!

That man broke that little kid's toy.

I'm good, I'm good.

Well, these things happen.

There we go, there we go!

- Well? - Huh?

I guess Santa will have to give him another one for Christmas.

Abort!

- Hey, hey! - Go, go, go, go!

Where do you think you're going?

Come back!

Okay, let's have a look.

Those eggs, eh, son?

Oh, no, it's broken.

Oh, amazing!

Wow!

It looks better than the old one.

Yeah.

- Thank you, Mister. - Thank you.

Thank you. Merry Christmas.

How did you do that?

Well, I think it's time to cool off.

Lizzy!

About to go for a whizz around the bay to warm her up.

Care for a lift?

Oh, no, thanks!

Oh, come on, you only live once!

Where's Mum?

All right, then.