All language subtitles for Bullyparade-Der.Film(2017)DEFHD8kultkomodieENG1

♪Translated by♪ XQ2☻♥
Orig subs: Cosima Ertl, Thomas Wojczewski

(♪)

On the 9th of November, 1989
the borders opened. (Narrator)

Overjoyed people poured
through from east to west.

It began as German reunification

but then turned into a huge stage
for David Hasselhoff.

♪ I had everything that money could buy.

♪ But freedom I had none

It all happened because GDR government
spokesman, Gunter Schabowski,

during a press conference,
accidentally read a memo,

proposing for the first time
to enable citizens to leave the GDR.

Asked when this regulation
would come into effect,

Schabowski answered:

As far as I know, it's effective immediately,

without delay.

With this memo Schabowski
sealed the fate of the GDR

and made David Hasselhoff's
appearance possible.

♪ I've been looking for freedom

For over 20 years
two brothers from Zwickau have been

developing a plan to prevent
just such an appearance.

(♪)
[BACK TO THE ZONE]

Ach, Scheisse!
(Saxon accents)

- Jörg, camera on.
- Wait. Camera on!

Good evening, my name
is Jens Kasirske.

- Operating the camera is my brother Jörg.
- Good evening.

We're at the East Zwickau
shopping mile.

According to my calculations,
we will travel,

--without altering our molecular structure--

into the past and change history.

Jörg, all set for
November 9, 1989?

I'm all set. Motor, on!

Motor, running.
Plutonium injectors, at maximum.

Atomic reaction, in ten seconds.

- Wait.
- What is it?

If we do this we won't get our
welcome money. (Begrüßungsgeld)

- We drank that a long time ago.
- Oh yeah, what am I thinking? Gun it.

(♪)

- The speedometer needle will break!
- Fuck the needle!

(♪) [40 years GDR]
[Architecture to benefit the people]

- Jörg, what does the readout say?
- 9th of November 1989,

- We are...
- ... back in the Zone!

And therefore we decided, today,

to enact a regulation

which enables every citizen
of the GDR

to leave by the border crossings.
(not via a 3rd country)

Pavel Pipowitsch, New Prague Review.
(Czech accent)

It doesn't seem risk-free,
comrade Schabowski.

An exodus of technicians could
become problematic.

- Isn't that a bit drastic?
- Pardon?

Have you thought this through?

So, comrades,
I've been informed, here,

that such a communique has
already been circulated today.

It should be in your possession.

Comrade Schabowski,
when will it come into effect?

As far as I know, it's effective imm...

Forget it.

The border stays closed!

No wall-fall, no Hasselhoff.

- So, the wall remains?
- I've heard nothing to the contrary.

- We lucked out, again.
- Thank god.

That's how David Hasselhoff's
performance came to be prevented. (Narr)

Jörg and Jens Kasirske
celebrated their triumph

with pride and dignity.

Why they didn't also prevent
the "Bully Parade",

remains unaccounted for.*

(♪ "Hollywood Follies" by Ray Davies)

(♪)

However an account* remains, of what
happened in 1865 in the Wild West. (Narr)

(Eagle screeches)
(♪ drums)

(bleating)

(bleating)

(Indian language)

(Interpreter)
We sent a message to the white man.

(Door opens)

- General Motors?
- What gives, Lieutenant?

We just got a friend-request
by Face-buck.

- Who are the other two?
- Face-buck's followers.

- What's it about?
- A peace offer.

- What do you think?
- Well, General,

we came to take the Indians' land
and starve them out

so we can spread out here.

- We are immigrants.
- I thought we were emigrants.

Yes, in Europe we're emigrants,
here, immigrants.

- So, we're foreigners?
- No, we're not.

Foreigners look very different.
They have long hair and are...

somewhat darker.

- You mean, like the Indians?
- Correct, sir.

Indians are foreigners.

They'll end up stealing our jobs,
or our women.

The white man doesn't want peace,
they've rejected our offer.

Let the first speaker, have the floor.

(all) Shwing, shwang, shwong.

Winnetou...

Winnetou Chief of the Apaches!
(Interp)

- Ciao.
- Ciao!

That went well.

Winnetou comes with peace in his heart.
(Bavarian accent)

Truth is like the storm.
She blows only in one direction.

- It. - Pardon?
- "It"... truth is neuter.

- I meant "she", the storm.
- Oh, yeah?

- Whoever opposes her, will be blown.
- Blown 'away', not "blown".

- Can you please stop it?
- Okay.

- Winnetou has a dream...
- The 3rd person is too impersonal.

Just say, "I have a dream."

- Good. Old Shatterhand has a dream!
- Why me?

- You said, I should say that.
- No, YOU should say "I have a dream".

- I said that.
- No, you said "Winnetou has a dream".

And I'm Winnetou, what's your problem?

The problem is you don't listen to me
and you don't improve.

- Nobody can listen to you.
- You're as stubborn as your horse.

Without whom we wouldn't
have found our way here.

- Oh, I have a compass.
- Aha? You think so?

- Oh, there it is! - "Oh, there it is"
I can't listen to this anymore!

- Here we go again.
- Who always picks up after you?

You mustn't pick up after me,
or go through my saddlebags.

You're just an insane pedant

that's why you don't even
have a wife!

(Echo) wife, wife!

- He can have my old lady.
- Who'd want that old bat?

- Don't be rude.
- Whatever.

It's always the same.
Typical Asininebongs!

That's 'Assiniboine', idiot!

C'mere and say that,
you jackass!

They're Kiowas,
the Jakas canceled.

Kiowas, or Kiowere?

- We're gonna split.
- I knew it.

- My ass fell asleep.
- Stay, then.

Great. For this, I canceled
my barbecue?

I really expected more.

I have a tracking lecture to go to.

I have a builder coming
to my teepee today.

So, the buffet is off?

They were very disappointed
over the failed peace summit. (Narr)

But, they also found it hard
to clear the air of personal differences.

For this reason, the two
blood brothers agreed to

a trial separation.

Several years later the Apache Chief
set off to track down

Old Shatterhand, once more.

(♪)
[Winnetou in Love]

(♪)

(Horse snorts)

[Buddy, go behind the shack, now]

[Huh?
I din't understand a word]

[But, can I just go behind
the house for a pee?]

[Ei leik!]*

(♪)

(Door shuts)

I sure didn't expect to see you.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

- We haven't seen each other for ages.
- 15 years.

- That long already?
- Yeah.

- And you have a boat rental now?
- Mm.

- On the prairie?
- Yeah.

- Since when do you wear a beard?
- It's only for outdoors.

- Looks good, though.
- Wanna try it?

No thanks.

You... I wanted to ask

if you were still...

- about our old history...
- Yeah, so...

- Maybe we were both...
- Yeah, good.

I wanted to ask you something,
Old Shatterhand.

Please, don't call me
Old Shatterhand, anymore.

- What, then?
- Rudi.

- Rudi Shatterhand?
- No, just Rudi.

Okay.

Rudi,

I have good news.

I met someone,
her name is Annette.

Tomorrow's our wedding.
- Ah? - Yeah.

Now, I want to ask you...

- Do you wanna be my best man?
- Aw...

Don't you want to?

There's a problem.

For 15 years, I've had peace.
No neighbors, no noise.

As soon as you come,
it all starts again!

I think he's had enough, Chango.

[♪ Chango]

Let's get him.

Slight hitch, Doc.

(♪)

Well, looks like we'll have to
put in some overtime.

Forget the overtime, Doc,
you've blown it again.

- What makes you say that Chango?
- It's true, Doc.

Look at you. You always blow it.

All we've ever done before,
is scare patients.

- Be quiet, you chatterbox.
- Take your hand out of my...

- Shut your yap and scratch my head.
- Not again!

Ach, you stink!
You've got rabbit pellets on your head.

I caught something to eat.
What part of the turtle would you like?

- No thanks.
- No?

I'm tying the knot!
Can you imagine?

Well, it was about time,
for me to take the plunge.

My heir is on his way.

- Did you think it through well?
- Yeah, very well.

Good thing you weren't around.

How so?

That sort of thing invites
bad luck.

Take my cousin,
Chief Dancing Snake, for example.

He had to choose between his
blood brother and his great love.

She forced his hand with:
"it's either him or me."

- And what did he decide?
- He's no longer alive.

But, that can't happen to me.

I found exactly the right one.

And it wasn't easy.

Ciao, I'm Apache Bachelor Winnetou.

Nice to see you all here.

I hope we'll have a good time.

In finding a squaw there
are many factors at play.

For example, sharing
leisure activities

is very important
in a relationship.

And it's important to make
a good impression on the first date.

There are many methods,
and it doesn't matter how...

Stand aside.

...as long as, you leave your
chosen one speechless.

Mary Ann, will you accept this rose?

No!

If there's no spark,
it's best, just to drop it.

OK.

Attending cultural events will
quickly show, if you're compatible.

"What's wrong with you lately?"

"I'm not happy with
the whole situation!"

Chimalis, I want to ask you,
will you...

please, take out the trash?

Right. Then, Nancy, perhaps?

And since the path to love
goes through the stomach,

don't neglect the culinary arts.

And you know, how much I love
monosodium glutamate.

Nancy, will you accept this rose?

Very funny.

But, Annette was up for anything.

I even dug out my bike for her.

♪ Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head
[B.J. Thomas]

♪ And just like the guy whose
feet are too big for his bed

♪ Nothin' seems to fit

♪ Those raindrops are fallin'
on my head, they keep fallin'

♪ So I just did me some
talkin' to the sun

♪ And I said I didn't like
the way he got things done

♪ Sleepin' on the job

♪ Those raindrops are fallin'
on my head, they keep fallin'

♪ But there's one thing I know

♪ The blues they send to meet me

♪ Won't defeat me

♪ It won't be long...

With her, I can be myself.

Annette, will you accept these roses?

She's not like the others.
She said yes.

Since then, we see each other
every day,

or send smoke signals
three times a day.

I gave her legs names,
so I can keep them apart.

- This is unbelievable.
- Yeah, I think so too.

- Are you an Indian, or what?
- Yeah.

Didn't you notice the wagon
following you?

You led them directly to me.

They won't rest till I'm dead.

What do they have against you?

- You know 'Nachi...
- 'Nachi?

- Apanachi. You've forgotten her?!
- Apanachi Zwetschgendatschi*? [plum tarte]

Exactly.
She moved back to Washington.

And I helped her move, so,
she invited me to the theater.

Abraham Lincoln?!
The white father in Washington?

Yeah, the president.

- With your weapon?
- Yeah.

Ever since then, the whole world
is after me:

bounty hunters, mercenaries, even dentists.

- What's the matter, Chango?
- I never get to shoot anyone.

Chango, you're still too small.

I've been full-grown
for 15 years, asshole.

Oh, that boat rental
was your cover!

No, it was a business idea.
It's ruined now.

Yeah, but, there was no water, anyway.

The water would've come.
Noah built the ark first, and then...

- Who?
- Right, you don't know that story.

How shall we sleep?

Well, with Annette, I love to spoon.

I'll sleep outside.

A... But...

What should I have done, Chango?
I had to use chloroform.

He'd never come willingly in our coach.

Why didn't you kill him?

So we can collect the full bounty
from Sheriff Chiller.

But, I also have to
watch him all the time.

Hey, the guy woke up.
And he can't stretch out.

Hey gringo, I'll give you a tip.

If you wanna get loose,
pull both armrests at the same time.

Old Shatterhand was in
mortal danger.(Narr)

Winnetou had no choice but
to dig up the old bike again.

Oh, I don't know about the hair!

The curls make me look so fat.

No, he'll fall at your feet.

Well, hopefully.

- Say, Missus Sippi?
- Mm?

- You speak the language of
the Indians, don't you? - Yeah.

I want to surprise Winnetou, with
a few sentences, on our wedding night.

How do you say,...

- "kiss me, now"?
- Kiska wonga me.

And how do you say...

- Oh, it's too tight!
- Oh, enaro wen kane.

- Oh, God, I'm getting woozy.
- Oh, Manitu, dizzy kana.

- I'm about to faint.
- Ninka dura blackout ana.

- Ah... uhuh, unngh...
- That doesn't need translating.

Get lost! I never want to see you again!

And I'll keep the jewelry!

That's not my suitcase.

Faster, Achmed!

- Bank robbery!
- Come back with the coal!

- Hands up!
- Always the same shit!

- A dentist on wheels.
- Better than a dented wheel.

- Bent dentists build bad bridges.
- I once had a bridge over the Kwai.

- My bridge is on the upper left.
- I had a crown there.

- The British crown has held on longest.
- A Swedish Crown gets you many British pounds.

- How do you know?
- I was an exchange student.

- Which currency did you change?
- Latin-American standard diapers.

Woah, Achmed!

Hey, Sheriff, we got
something for you.

I hope you have enough
cash in your till.

That's right, 50 big ones each.

Very good. Uh...

What would we do without
law-abiding...

dentists, like you?

Finally we've got this...
gangster.

This... this dink-slapper,

causes trouble for everyone...

for... sleeping in front of caves.

We know everything.
You've been found out.

What about my reward?

Yeah, right.
Please follow me in the...

- Bounty room.
- Bounty room.

- Other side.
- Other side.

- I'm late for my wedding.
- Is that my beard?

Yeah! I, still, have to pick up after you.

- Ah, shit.
- What is it?

- Hoof-boot.
- Where are our horses?

Probably scared off by the dentist.

- Morning, sheriff.
- How did you get here, then?

- He's not coming back!
- He'll be here soon.

No, he's not coming!

Don't blame yourself,
he might have been shot.

- Oh God!
- Indians!

Open the gate!
Winnetou is coming!

He's coming, he's coming!
Oh God, how do I look?

MAKEUP!

Not this one.
Everyone'll stare at my ears.

Winnetou!

- Annette.
- Shh.

Tele-show ata himi,
chuck scheme Kara-oke?

Kara what?

- Kara-oke!
- Ah!

♪ 1, 2, 3, 4!
[Wenn ich dich seh]

♪ - Whenever I see you.
- What about, when you see me?

♪ - Whenever I see you.
- Ooh. What about, when you see me?

♪ Whenever I see you, yeah.

♪ - What about, when you see me?
- Then, I feel good.

♪ - Excuse me, what?
- Then, I feel so super good

♪ Annette Winnetou.
- Yeah! - Aha! - Ooh!

♪ Winnetou is here, and gettin' it on.

♪ - Get it on!
- When does Winnetou get it on?

♪ - Whenever I see you
- Ooh, ooh!

♪ When does Winnetou get it on?

♪ Whenever I see you, yeah.

♪ - What about, when you see me?
- Then, I feel good.

♪ - What about, it?
- Then, I feel so super good.

♪ - Oh, so good, yeah
- Good.

Winnetou.

- There you are!
- This was not a good idea.

- Why?
- They're after me, too.

Not getting cold feet, I hope?

No, I'm wearing Apache
leather slippers.

May I introduce:

Father-in-law Otto,
Best man Rudi. Rudi, Otto,

Annette, Rudi. Rudi, Annette,
daughter of Father-in-law Otto.

- Annette with 'tt'.
- Yeah, I can see them.

Then we can start.

Thanks, Sergeant Mross.

THE REGISTRAR!

Winnetou, do you...

according to this marriage contract,

cede the entire Apache territory
to General Motors.

Everything from the Rio Grande
to the Pecos River Valley,

including the Llano Estacado
in Texas.

Plus Sonora, Chihuahua, Coahuila,
Nuevo Leon and Tamaulipas...

- Understand what he's saying?
- No, you?

- They're stealing your land.
- Oh, there you go again.

If any of you has cause
to object to this union,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

Wonderful. Then the contract can be...

- Hold it, stop.
- Why?

It's all about land.

- Rudi, please.
- Don't sign that.

Let's all just calm down a little.

Annette will take me even
without a contract.

No...

What?

You must sign it.

What are you gawking at?
My father needs this land!

Do you know what he earns?
Nobody can live on a pension.

B-but you accepted the rose,
at the Apache Bachelor.

You're my Apachelorette.

Yeah, my father registered me.

You said, when we were married,

you'd give me an heir,

- a Minitou.
- Only if you sign.

Does 'everybody' get it, now?
Oh, this is too much!

Anybody can see that he never...

Come away, Winnetou.
We'll find you someone else.

Halt!

This is Lincoln's murderer!

The Murderer and the Bridegroom.
Sounds kinda like a Wagner opera.

Cut it out!

So, Winnetou is harboring
a wanted murderer.

It could mean the gallows.

But, it needn't go that far.

If I were you, I'd sign the contract.

Don't leave me hanging,
or, I'll have to do the same to you.

He had to choose between his
blood brother and his great love.

- And what did he decide?
- He's no longer alive.

Papa used to say,
"Life is like a peace pipe.

"It doesn't matter how long it is
or who you share it with."

And my cousin, Chief Dancing Snake
said in a similar situation:

"Shit."

But clever sayings won't
get me anywhere.

My blood brother and I

are on our way to the
eternal hunting grounds.

A thousand thoughts
now go through my head:

"What will become of our hatchet?

"Nobody knows where I buried it.

"My bike isn't locked.

And "who'll pick up Aunt Blue Barrel
from the beer tent on Monday?"

We'll need a great miracle
to get out of here alive.

♪ [Chango!]

I knocked, nobody opened.

Nobody move,
I have an itchy finger!

My name's Sheriff Chiller,
Cortland, Arizona.

And this is my deputy Chango.

This is a warrant for
Old Shatterhand

and his long-haired accomplice.

Hand over those varmints,
or we'll blow this place sky high!

What do you earn as a
civil servant?

Yeah right!

Faster, Achmed.

Faster, Achmed!

Hey, Winnetou.

You can't let yourself go,
over a woman.

- You're not just anybody.
- What if I am?

Hey, you're the chief. You have...

- ...beautiful hair.
- Aw, you're just saying that.

No, no, Natschi says it too.

- Apanachi Zwetschgendatschi?
- 'Course.

And best of all, she loves
monosodium glutamate.

We gotta get outta here,
right away!

I've had it up to here.

Let me shoot these guys.

We always do what you want!

- Uh, excuse me?
- What is it?

Not you. I mean the other one.

- Who, me?
- Yeah, sure.

- I wouldn't put up with that.
- With what?

His constant paternalistic attitude.

You're not a... puppet.

You're a... free man.

Oh, yeah? He's not free!

He's dependent on that dentist.

- Am not!
- You are, too!

- What kind of bounty hunter is he?
- He can't even hold a Colt!

Never mind, Chango. They're a bad
influence on you. Face forward.

See, Chango? How he's got
you in the palm of his hand?

Everyone forges his own fortune.

Everyone, perhaps, but not him.

What is it, Chango?

A man has to help himself.

Yeah, how could he do that?

No idea.

- Y-you,... Think it worked?
- Yeah.

Chango is, now, a free man.

Viva la revolucion!

♪ - With a shotgun in our hand
- And moccasins on our feet

♪ - we will be blood brothers
- we will be blood brothers.

- Yeah, now take out the keys.
- Yeah, sure.

What keys?

The... keys... for unlocking...

- I have no keys.
- Why don't you?

You don't have any either.

I live in a Wigwam.
I don't need a key.

Shit!

- What?
- The dentist has the keys.

- How do we get out?
- I have no idea!

The horse...

[Horse, take us to a locksmith]

He doesn't understand.
Must be an Arab.

He's not the only one who doesn't
understands the 3rd person.

- "Winnetou can't find his keys"!
- Don't start...

This story actually happened.(Narr)

Whether Winnetou and Old
Shatterhand ever got free,

remains unaccounted for.*

However an account* remains

of what happened in
Bavaria at the same time.

Careful! Slower.

Don't speed!

Almost crashed into a spruce.

What a nightmare!

Unthinkable.

There's nothing more beautiful
than nature and our wildlife.

- Rabbit, deer and marmot.
- Ah, if only I had my rifle.

- Sisi?
- Franz.

Why do we go, so seldom,
into the forest?

Because we have a toilet
in the castle.

What's that? ... A jay...

The policeman of the forest.

- And the woodpecker agrees.
- Look, Franz.

My goodness,
a Double-spored Pholiotina!

And there, a White Slimecap.

And even a Buckled
Vomiting Russula.

The Spikey-warted Blastramete.

And the Copper-red
Tar-speckling.

Your Majesty, the coach is now
ready to board.

Yellow-testicled Clubfoot.

What did you call the Field Marshal?

[Menopause of an Empress]

- Franz!
- What is it?

- Nothing.
- Are we under attack?

Sorry, Majesty, we're crossing
a slightly bumpy track.

There may be more
turbulence coming.

Please fold the tables in the
upright position, strap in

and do not use the toilet.

- It's really shaking, now.
- Yeah.

We should have taken
the chairlift.

But Sisi, it ends up
in Innsbruck.

Your Majesty, we've reached
our destination.

Hope you've had a pleasant journey.
I must say goodbye now,

so I can open the coach door
from the outside.

Welcome to Bavaria, Your Majesty.

Why are you trembling?
What's the matter?

- Nothing, Your Majesty.
- Out with it.

All right, I'll tell you,
Your Majesty.

The turbulence during our trip
has distressed me.

What if I'd lost control of the vehicle?

We could've fallen into a gulley.

Your Majesties would've been
tossed about

and I would've been sentenced
to death.

I was so scared.

Fear is there to be overcome,
Field Marshal.

Good to know, Your Majesty.

When I'm scared,
I always nibble on something.

That's why I always keep
a couple of nuts in my pants.

Your Majesty, the realtor
has cancelled on us.

It's not very big.

You could barely fit
all your suitcases inside.

- But, it's only for the weekend, Franz.
- All right.

Field Marshal, what now?
Shall we go in, or what?

Majesty, I can never forgive
myself for this mix-up

I confirmed the appointment
with the realtor by dispatch.

- I feel terrible.
- Fine, let's move along.

- But, Franz... - Pardon?
We were going to go shopping together.

I'm sad, now.

- Sad?
- Very sad.

I cannot allow that.

- Field Marshal!
- Your Majesty!

Rummage around in that flower pot.

Bravo, Majesty,
I marvel at your instincts.

I'm ashamed, I didn't think of
this great idea, myself.

Needless to say,
you can flog me for it.

Not today, I'm a bit tired
from the journey.

Now, open the door, you swine,
there's a good fellow.

- Oh, Franz!
- Sisi.

You make me so happy.

That is my greatest joy.

- What do you think, Franz?
- Wonderful.

I suggest, we buy it
and go home.

That is a good suggestion!

But, we haven't seen it all, yet.

I've seen enough.

Well, I'll look around for a bit.

Cheeky, little minx.

Women always want to build a nest.

Oh, yeah.

Are you married?

No, Majesty, in my life
there's no room for a woman.

What do you do in your free time?

- I march.
- Back, or forth?

- I prefer the combination.
- Ah, yeah.

So, this will be my walk-in closet.

Sisi, I don't want my picture
hanging next to this fathead.

- Should I put it around the corner?
- I wouldn't go so far.

- Turn it facing the wall.
- Jawohl!

I left the sunroof open!

Oh my god, the coach!

It's gone!

Imagine that, Sisi!
Russia wants to sell Alaska.

Oh yes, I want it.

Think carefully. Remember Hungary?

You went 3 times, then,
you didn't like it anymore.

Your Majesty, Bismarck is hung!

- And so?...
- Did you do it?

What makes you think that?

Your Majesty, the strangest
things happen here.

Our coach has disappeared, too.

Good heavens, that's all we need!

I must get back to Vienna
to perforate Prussians.

Oh, but, Franz,
the Prussians will keep.

Sisi,

when you look at me like that,
it makes me want to

tear my clothes off
and bake a cake.

Oh, my God! What is that?

Don't worry, Field Marshal,

they're just our people,
arresting a critic.

Oh, why, Franz? Some of them
write very nice things about us.

Yeah, but do you know
what that costs?

This is a catastrophe, Majesty.

Without a coach, we can't leave.
What should we do?

- Good night, Franz.
- Sweet dreams, Sisi.

- Good luck in your career.
- Break a leg.

- Happy fishing
- Good hunting.

- Seven years of good sex.
- Seven years?

- And then, what?
- A cigarette!

- Franz?
- Sisi.

I can't sleep.

- What, now?
- I have an idea.

- Out with it, my dumpling.
- You can tell me a story.

- Yeah, but then, I can't sleep.
- Hm.

A thorny situation.

- Field Marshal!
- Good Morning, Majesty!

Not so abrupt.

Can you think of something
soporific for the Empress?

I could drive the Empress to the
vet and have her put to sleep.

That's a dumb idea,
we don't have a coach.

What's on the late program?

Coming right up, Your Majesty.

It seems, somehow, familiar.

Must be a re-run.

Ah!

Your Majesty,
there's someone in the yard.

Then, offer him something.

Fear is there,
to be overcome, Field Marshal.

When I'm scared,
I always nibble on something.

Have you heard?
Mushrooms make you stupefied...

...and require moisture,
like the feet of the Wild Kaiser.

Who's there?

Aahh!

Fire! Oh, no!

Field Marshal!
Where is that filthy swine?

Not here either.
Where could he be?

I hope he hasn't run off,
like at the Budapest marathon.

Maybe he's just out surveying
our new neighborhood.

Either way, he's deserted us.

- Sisi?
- Franz.

- Did you treat him badly?
- No, not really.

- Well, once I tied him to the bed.
- He likes that, I know.

Have you gone mad?!

- What are you doing?
- Trembling. - Why?

Maybe, because he's in a fridge?

Your Majesty, a ghost
is wreaking havoc in this castle.

We must get out of here
or we're dead.

- What are you talking about?
- I saw it with my own eyes.

He chased me, but I escaped.

But, who?

Him there! Get out!

Save yourselves, if you can! Aahh!

The castle is cursed!

Hellas, together, at last!
(Greek accent)

Allow me, my name is
Dimitri Stoupakis,

I'm an Exchange-Realtor
from Greece.

I had a very difficult client
in Schwan-Neustein.

I had to evict the Malaka*.
(wanker)

I see, you've already met my father.

[Papa, these are the idiots who
want to buy this dump from us]

Unfortunately he doesn't speak.
A dumbwaiter, so to speak.

Virtually the good soul
of the house.

Oh!

If you'll, please, sign here and here.

'Pain and shortless'.

One moment, what are the
20,000 guilders for?

It's for my father.
You'll need to keep him on as before.

Yeah, it'd be good for
the late program.

- Let's get Alaska, instead.
- No, they have no dumbwaiters.

Good, we'll take it,
but, not at this price.

I'm sorry, but, Herr Bismarck will pay triple.

- And I'll double the triple.
- That much?

Sisi, we don't buy cheap things!

Herr Kaiser, you drive a
'barg hardon'.

- Franz?
- Sisi?

I'm a bit worried about
the Field Marshal.

Oh, there's no need, dear Sisi.

Our address is on his insignia.

Yes, but he's never run off on us before.

Well... perhaps, someday,
we'll have him castrated.

One day later
on Lake Starnberg...

Got him!

Get him up.

Let me go, you stupid swine!

- I'm the Empress.
- Yeah, yeah.

Don't think I'm crazy,

but, that's exactly how the
ghost incident happened.

(Get your hands off me!)

Why are you here, Majesty?

(You're all insane!)

Until yesterday, I lived in a castle.

It wasn't completely finished
but quite comfortable.

Then I was evicted, because
I supposedly listened to loud music.

I've hanging around here, since
yesterday and I'm super-hungry.

Ah, I still have a few
provisions here, Your Majesty.

I think I'll go in the water now.

Cannonball! (Ass-bomb)

This story actually happened.(Narr)

Whether the Field Marshal
ever recovered, remains unaccounted for.*

There is an account, however,
of what happened 130 years later in New York.

♪ Gus-Tav, Gus-Gus Tav,

♪ Jojoba OIL!

Not even ink-eraser
smells as good as freedom.

- I missed you.
- I missed you, too, Löffler.

That's me, my name is Lutz.

How did I end up in the clink,
you may ask?

[FIVE DAYS EARLIER]
It all began in Löffler's garage.

- Lutz, it's a real catastrophe.
- I told you.

All gone! Totally broke.

What about your savings account?

- I emptied it long ago.
- How could you do that?

Are you online again?

My mom's stressing me out.

I gotta be up early tomorrow

to leak all BND* data to the NSA,
(Bundesnachrichtendienst)

and I share the phone line with my mom.

Get off the internet, now,
I have to make a phone call.

Yeah all right, I'm off it now!

- And wash your hands!
- I will!

Stupid boy toy!

I need dough.

I got caght riding the bus
without paying.

If I don't pay the $60 fine
by next week, I've had it.

- Can you lend me some?
- Let me check.

See, I'm at the moment...

5, 6, 7... 12 dollars.

That means we still need 48,

Where can I get so much dough,
so fast?

I'll google it.

The fastest way is in the
stock market.

This is Mr. Moneymaker.
Number one on Wall Street.

Locust-plague and broker-faced
financial-shark.

Löffler hacked his computer
and booked us a lunch date.

Mr. Moneymaker, what can I
bring you on this grand day?

Hector, I'll have the
wonderful 'Hedge Fondue'

with the "Dax", medium rare.

A good choice, sir.

Gentlemen, we also have fresh oysters
and scallops.

How about lollipops?

Nothing for me, I brought my own.

You want to increase your capital?

- Not me, him.
- I'm his asset manager.

"You'd better call Löffler".

- There's no phone number on it.
- It's secret.

Long term investment,
or quick money?

- Rather quick.
- Yeah, that's best.

- Shh, I'm negotiating.
- OK.

So, Mr. Moneymaker.

We need $60,
but he only has twelve.

I think he bit.

- Cool!
- Cool!

♪ Gus Tav, Gus-Gus Tav,

♪ Gus tav, Gus-gus tav

♪ One morning I woke up,
Long before the alarm went off.

♪ I lay there in a sweat
In my pajamas

♪ Washed my hair with jojoba...

♪ OIL!

Hey! This is not an ad for jojoba oil.

Arabic jojoba oil
is ideal for nasal fracking.

♪ Hey, Lutz, I had the same dream
Only I had no pajamas.

♪ - Were you naked?
- Yeah.

♪ - Löffler was naked
- Na-na-na-naked.

Oh, shit.
Löffler, what do we do now?

Table Frog Diving Elbow Drop!

♪ Money Monster
(Bully & the Gus-Tav-Gang)

Cool

♪ Gus Tav, Gus-Gus Tav,
Gus Tav, Gus-Gus Tav,

♪ Woh-oh!
- Go, jojoba

♪ Jojoba, jojoba...

♪ OIL!

♪ Making money, making cash
Faster than the Flash.

♪ I grab what I want
I'm the wizard of greed

♪ Like a money hurricane
C'mon, make me rich again.

♪ Bling, bling, boom, bang
Take what you can

♪ The race don't change
Addicted to the game

♪ No entry for losers
Put your butter in my pocket,

♪ it's ready to go

♪ Money monsters everywhere
I don't care

♪ Lutz, you're so crazy!
Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump

♪ Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump

It was shortly before the crash.
I was in it up to my neck.

What? Couldn't swallow your losses?

- I owe you one.
- How about $60?

I have no cash
but I have a better idea.

I'll put his laugh on the stock market.

Sorry, what? - What's so special
about his stupid laugh? - Yeah.

Nothing. That's just it.
I often put nothing on the stock market.

I do business with nothing.
People are addicted to nothing.

Nothing is less than shit,
and we make gold out of that.

And that's the beauty of it.

At first I was skeptical, but
Mr. Moneymaker turned out to be right.

He actually took my stupid laugh
public on the stock exchange.

'Laugh-Out-Lutz' shares
went through the ceiling.

The whole world went crazy
for 'LOL' stock.

With my stupid laugh, I earned
$300 million in two minutes.

People called me "Lutz of Wall Street."

But then came the big crash.

In Asia, an investor
laughed himself to death.

Within seconds, 'LOL' shares
crashed down.

And, again, there I sat

in Löffler's garage.

- Hey, Lutz, this is a real catastrophe.
- I told you.

All gone.
Totally broke.

How can anybody simply blow millions?

They go fast, if you can suddenly
make all your dreams come true.

First, I bought
something nice to wear.

Then I had dollar signs
tattooed on my nuts,

to make my ball-sack
look like a money bag.

And then I treated Chuck Norris
to another ice cream.

And there was nothing left?

Oh, sure. $250 million.

But, I bought one of the Ronaldos with it.

Didn't work out, though,

after a quarter of an hour
he'd had it.

Did you at least set aside the $60?

I forgot.

Löffler, the cops want to
arrest your buddy.

Now you know my story.
That's how I ended up in the can.

Fortunately, Löffler put up his
twelve dollars for my bail,

and I was let out
15 minutes early.

Everything all right
with you, Lutz?

I had time to think in prison.

It was the longest 3 hours of my life.

But, you've hardly changed.

Maybe not outwardly, but I've
become a law-abiding man.

Cool. What do you wanna do now?

Wait till the light turns green.

This story actually happened.(Narr)

Whether Lutz still abides
by traffic rules,

remains unaccounted for.*

What is certain, however,
is what will happen in 2280,

Captain, systems show
unusual readings.

The planet's atmosphere
is unknown to us.

Castanets* on.

- Check the distress signal again.
- Short, short, long, long.

- Long-Long is a star pianist from China.
- Chinese star pianists' morse messages are mostly in minor keys.

- Minor Chinese star pianists morse in major keys.
- Samuel Morse did not morse in major keys, but from the Moselle.

The Moselle, Neckar, Elbe and Rhine
do not flow into the Danube.

- The Altmühl, Naab and Regen flow into it.
- Only freeflowing rivers flow in an emergency.

- Did I hear 'emergency'?
- Yes, an emergency.

- Captain we have an emergency.
- Dammit, an emergency!

Establish contact.

Captain, what was our password, again?

Try again with...

Peter Maffay.

No problem.

[No problem!]

- Thanks, Peter Maffay.
- No problem.

Captain there's an interference signal.
Contact with the planet is not possible.

Again? Everybody warm up!

Come on, get moving, Spook.

I wish I could do what
normal men do.

Mow the lawn, change tires, get beer.

Or, simply kiss a beautiful woman.
Oh, why am I telling you?

The only sharp thing about you,

are your ears.

Your testosterone levels
are clearly too high.

Was that an emotional reaction?

No, Captain, I had an urgent
need to vulcanize.

- Engine room, here, Captain.
- After-work beer is canceled.

- Snotty, we must save a strange world.
- Aye, aye, Captain, I'm coming.

Will you turn off that
damned lens flare!

At your command, sir. Lens flare off.

Ahh...

- All right, Snotty?
- Systems are reacting normally.

Why do you wanna bring
that old crate along?

We have no other communication droid,
the lease on this one runs for 2 more years.

Weather report for this mission.

Recommend: solid footwear
and warm clothing.

The weather report is
presented by Gardinen-Weiß.

Gardinen-Weiß:
make every housewife happy.

We have no housewives here.

- Your beam-miles have been credited.
- My name is James Beam.

I'm officer in charge of
your teleportation, today.

A moment of your attention
for your safety, please.

Our beam time, today,
will be ten seconds.

Please don't use the toilets
after starting and before arriving.

I love you. Oh...

Avoid surfing to 'Smutsite.de'.

Please comply.
This is absolutely a smoke-free beam.

While in transit,
avoid lactose and other shit.

Do not eat any bread and cheese.

Be aware that the strange
atmosphere may produce side effects.

Now, assume the upright
beaming position

and shut your yaps.

(***)

(***)

What'd he say?

He said, "Due to interference
Beam-tubes 1 and 3 are off-line. "

Not again!

Boarding personnel
to the bridge, immediately.

Repeat: Boarding personnel
to the bridge, immediately.

Snotty, I need an air and soil
analysis right away.

Aye, aye, Captain.
Soil sample, coming up.

Musk?

Fine dust pollution
zero percent.

The soil may contain traces
of soy, peanuts,

- some sulfur and ...
- Lavender!

Yes, I 've never seen such
extremely high estrogen levels.

- Any allergy warnings?
- Stressful levels of poplar pollen.

- What, poplar pollen?
- Yeah, poplar pollen.

- Good. Contact Starfleet.
- As you wish, Captain.

But use coins. The ads get on
my nerves. - Yeah-ha.

Nutmeg...

Connection, established.
50 per minute or part thereof.

Welcome to the Beam Central
service hotline. My name is James Beam.

To improve our service,

this conversation
is being recorded.

So watch what you say.

Captain Cork of the U.S.S.
Hasselhoff.

I just wanted to inform you
we've arrived all right.

The location is absolutely dreamy.

How's the weather where you are?

A pansy.

- Everything alright with you?
- Yeah, everything's fine.

Sorry, gotta cut you off, now,
or it'll be too expensive.

Somehow I feel madly free.

Is it the atmosphere
or did I get too much serotonin?

I think it's the hair dryer.
Do you also feel slightly dizzy?

You should take the Bach flower
homeopathic cure.

I need something harder.

Spooky, do you have
your globuli with you?

Only rescue drops.

- What's the matter with him?
- Perhaps, oxygen shock?

What've you got there?

Mr. Spook, we're under attack!

Mr. Spook?

Who was that?

Spooky.

- Snotty, wake up.
- Who'll go pick up the buns?

- Forget the brekfast rolls, we're trapped.
- Beg your pardon?

I think, we've been abducted
by aliens.

Have they done experiments on me?

Who'd want to experiment on you?

Snotty, what does the droid say?

- Battery empty.
- Don't you have a charging cable?

Do you see a socket anywhere?

What's that sound?

You said, nobody wants to
experiment with me.

- Certainly not.
- Yeah, you said it.

No, I said the ALIENS don't want to
experiment with you,

others, may very well, want to.

- What are you so sensitive about?
- Maybe he has emotions.

Spooky, do you have emotions?

M-hm.

No one'll believes us. Take a photo.

I think this is the wrong time.

..."New worlds", there, found it.

..."Precautionary measures"...

Snotty, I need your glasses.

- What?
- Glasses!

- God, what prescription are they?
- You're just jealous.

- Spooky, would you please?
- M-hm.

"Precautions for first contact
with a alien civilization:

- "Keep calm."
- We did that. Go on.

"Avoid phrases like 'ohmygod!',
which could provoke misunderstandings."

Okay.

"Don't pet any animals
and don't pick any flowers.

"Signal, by your body language,
peaceful intentions

"and offer a welcome gift."

Ach! We have no gifts on hand.

Ah.

We come in peace

from a galaxy, far, far away.

Seems, the reception department
is not their strong point.

This planet won't get a good
review from us, what do you think?

Seems clean, though.
2 out of 5 stars would be OK.

Maybe they're deaf,
or a little stupid.

I must be going mad!

Mr. Spook, you know
what that means?

Hello. Don't be afraid.

We are not angry.

We're a fun group

who likes to go on
exploratory expeditions.

Wink, wink. Smile, smile.

We come in peace to help.

I am the captain.

This is Snotty, our ship's Technician.

And Mr. Spook, our First Officer.

They don't understand us.

Oh, shit.

We have long awaited you.

Welcome to the POF*,

the Planet Of* Females.

[PLANET OF* FEMALES]

'Morning.
Today is a very special day.

All right, let's see how
the party is going.

Dear Presidents,

in honor of Mamarella Day,
the First Lady will now speak.

Here is our reigning brood* mother
Miss Babsirella.

Today, on Mamarella Day,
we give thanks to Evolution.

Mother Nature decided
millions of years ago,

to give up on men.

Therefore, we live in peace,
without weapons.

We can proudly say,
"We don't need men."

But often it would be nice
to have something to cuddle.

Or something that wags its tail,
when you come home.

Who has a tail to wag,
around here?

- What about housepets?
- Yeah, with stripes all over!

What was that?

Susirella, there.

- Look.
- What is that?

Looks beautiful.

It's incredible.

Maybe it's fireworks.

I have to record this.

Wow, that's beautiful!

- Are you getting this?
- Yeah, yeah, all of it.

I've never seen birds
swarming like that.

That's not a flock of birds.

That was seven years ago.

Since then, King-Klone has attacked us,
every 12 months.

No one, so far,
has come to our aid.

You're the only ones to respond
to our distress signal.

You're our only hope.

Wait. What? Hope?...

I think we'll have to pass.

- We're wrong for this, right Spooky?
- Really wrong!

We don't even have proper shoes.

Who'll help us, then?

Well, we could ask watsisname.

- Er... You know, the guy, that...
- Who?

Watsisname, always with his
brother-in-law...

- What's his name?
- I don't know who you mean.

- The guy who was with watchamacallit.
- Oh, that guy!

- The guy who drags his leg?
- Exactly. You got it.

Yeah, he doesn't do this anymore.
He's a tour guide, now.

- Tour guide?
- Yeah.

I didn't know he was tour guide.

- Yeah, for a long time.
- Ah, too bad.

- Nothing we can do.
- But, if we hear anything, we'll call.

Exactly, we'll keep a sharp ear out,
right, Spooky?

But, without you we're lost.

King-Klone won't stop.

They'll continue to attack us.

To cut off our hair.

What do they do?!...

They cut off our hair.

- Are they flying hairdressers?
- No.

King-Klone needs the hair
for his army.

Clones! I'm proud of you.

You spread fear and terror.

You are the strongest
and deadliest army in the galaxy.

And also, the handsomest.

And to keep it that way,

we have to ensure a hair supply
for future generations.

So that every one of us
has the right to his own toupee!

Ach, shit.
They're still in sleep mode.

Snooze off.

At ease!

You sleepyheads, I said,
"every one of us...

"has the right to his own toupee!"

Hip-hip, toupee!
Hip-hip, toupee! Hip-hip, toupee!

Nobody has the right
to cut our hair!

We hate layers.

I'm interested in knowing how
King-Klone produces his clones.

No one knows that.

It's his greatest secret.

Copy, paste, copy, paste,
copy, paste, copy, paste ...

Yeah, I can understand, but ...

I'm afraid we can't do
anything for you.

So, thanks for the invitation,
we must move on.

Snotty, contact the Hasselhoff,
to beam us up, immediately.

- No go. Battery's empty.
- Och!

But, with a socket I can recharge
C.L.A.U.S. in eight hours.

AC or DC, whatever fits
the ladies' sockets.

The main thing is to warm it up.

Ah, yeah, then you'll spend the night with us?

You can... relax.

And your C.L.A.U.S. can recharge.

Yeah, why not?

I could use a bit of charging myself.
We'll go home, tomorrow.

In the meantime Mr. Spook can
press his ear to a pillow.

- That's enough!
- What?

I can't put up with this bullying, anymore.

For years you've been talking about "ears".

Ear to the pillow,
a clip on the ear,

prick up the ears, bend an ear,
lend an ear.

Always ears, ears, ears!
Dogeared, earwig, ear-gasm.

Yes, my ears are different from yours.
We vary in our appearance.

But have I ever said anything
about your saggy ass?

Do you have single rooms?

♪ O mio babbino caro

♪ Mi piace bello, bello

♪ Vo' andare in Porta Rossa

♪ A comperar l'anello

- Did I wake you?
- You have a beautiful voice.

Yeah? Oh, I don't know.

I also don't know
what's wrong with me.

Before, I had no emotions.
Now, they all come at once.

My feelings are all in a muddle.
Earlier, I even had stage fright.

And that embarrassing quarrel
with captain Cork...

That would never have
happened to me, before.

How do you feel, now?

Really, okay.

I think it's good to let it out.

Yeah, that's completely normal
on this planet,

on account of our atmosphere.

The air here enables us to
be happy with ourselves,

to like ourselves.

Therefore, we dare to be
as we really are.

Here, nobody pretends.

Here you can be
what you've always wanted to be.

Barbra Streisand!

Now don't start, C.L.A.U.S.

Surprise your husband
with a bathing cap.

Every man, as you know,
loves a housewife

with a bathing cap
from Swimwear-Weiss.

- C.L.A.U.S. you have a short.
- A short one's good enough.

Thank god, someone's out there. Hello!

Sigi, we have to drive drunk again.

What's going on there?
Mayday, Mayday.

Being a Yeti, and drinking...
You have to be careful.

It's pretty hard on the liver.

Sigi, we Yetis drink with our spleen.

That's even in Yetipedia.

Owie, was that a burp, or are you sad?

Sigi, you know...

I've been your pal
for a long while...

Out with it, Yeti.
You can tell me everything.

You're my mechatronics engineer,

my navigator, my bedside rug,
my Knight Rider.

Sigi, last week I had to get up
in the middle of the night.

And your beer glass was
right next to my chamber pot.

It was dark,
and I'm sorta night blind.

But, afterwards I rinsed it four times.

That's why the froth
is different now.

Gotcha!

You hairy scoundrel.

Hello, hello, Mayday.
Can you hear me? Yeah hello.

That's him, the Italian.

Mayday, my name is Snotty...

I'll order a Hawaiian pizza

with quattro stagioni,
but no artichokes.

You want something, too?

An Alpo pizza with poultry byproducts.

But, hold the dry kibble.

There's no pizza, here
this is the Planet Of Females*.

- Woah! Planet Of Females*?
- Sigi!

- That's just the thing for us.
- Yeah!

Hello, can you hear me?
It's about clones.

Clones want to cut off our hair.

What? Haircut?
A haircut is a good thing.

- My friend, here, is moulting.
- Yeah!

Listen, our position is
Gamma Sector: Hybrid, 13...

You messed up, Clausi.
You stupid cow!

Yeah?

- Good evening, Dr. Cork.
- Doctor?

Shall I turn down the bed for you?

Thank you.

- Can I do anything else for you?
- No.

It's all really very clean.

I think it's a pity
you'll be leaving us tomorrow.

Yeah, a great pity.
But, we have so much to do.

What now? How should I proceed?

- She wants to know how to proceed.
- Just a second.

Hm! Music.

Okay, Susirella, turn on the music.

- It's on, now what?
- I'll have it soon.

Here. Men...
groping... primitive... hit on...

Here it is...

OK.

Now, play with your breasts.

He's not biting.

This is a good one:
"Men always want to be admired."

OK, Susirella, now, admire.

I admire you!

Yeah? My left foot's falling asleep.

Oh, I could give you so much!

Then perhaps you could give me
that red box.

Dr. Cork, stay with us.
Free us from the tyrants.

Together we will be happy.
We'll unite with each other.

What?! Unite? No, no, that won't do.

I'm technically not allowed to
invade strange worlds with my DNA.

Sorry.

- The sirens!
- The sirens!

- King-Klone is attacking.
- Thank God.

So, here we are again!

Nice to see you again, ladies.

Hm, morale good, hair long...
Let's make it short.

I must say, your hair gets more
beautiful from year to year.

And this, dear ladies,

seems to me to be
an especially good vintage.

- Are you clones, too?
- No, monozygotic twins.

We also have only one egg*. (ball)

So, I'll, now, give the haircut order.

Where did I put my
Snippity-Snap-App?

This is such crap, just one bar.

Such shitty reception here
is incomprehensible!

I can't connect to my clones.

This can't be happening.

What are you doing?

Showing what I'm going
through emotionally.

- That's what I look like inside.
- Shit!

Huh?

No signal.
Must be the thick walls.

Open the window, asshole!

Oh!

Yeah, that's a nice peak!

Attenton pollen index report
on poplar pollen stress levels.

The pollen count is brought
to you by Nose-wise.

Surprise your husband's nose
with nose spray from Nose-wise.

Don't worry, clones,

it's just a poplar pollen allergy,
not a virus.

Repeat: not a virus.

I have an idea.
Can you distract him?

I'm gonna burst.

I can't keep from expressing
my feelings much longer.

My name is Captain Cork
of the U.S.S. Hasselhoff.

And I ask you, what's so bad
about having no hair?

I'm being completely honest now.

That comical bird's nest on your
head makes you look 20 years older.

And it makes you look like shit,
like a Griffon lapdog.

This is crazy! He has over 900
million enemies on spacebook!

I need to vent.

I suggest you pack up
your clowns and leave.

And maybe we'll forget about
the broken window.

What kind of odd looking
girl are you?

You're not much use.
Hair's way too short.

No!

I'll turn you into dandruff shampoo.

All right, Spider-girl,
you asked for it.

Clones!

Barbra Streisand

♪ Yeah!

♪ She's the one

♪ Come on, praise her name

♪ Bless my heart and my soul

♪ Let me be with you
You raise me up.

♪ Oh, you're my shelter

♪ Spread your arms
and take me high

♪ Up to the sky

♪ Boogie beat!

Yee-hah!

Enough with this stupid hopscotch!

Spider-girl will now be shaved.

You have a new message.

What?

"Hairy women in your neighborhood"?

Let's download that, huh?

Download.

- Oh!
- Ha, ha...

Virus, successfully installed.

Cool... What?

Say, Snotty, was that you?

Yeah, I installed a virus in him.

- Crazy! Where'd you get it?
- Smutsite.de.

Yeah, what did I tell you?

Thank you, Barbra Streisand.

- What'd she call you?
- Barbra Streisand.

- Here everyone can be what he wants.
- Okay, then I'm Britney.

- What, Britney Spears?!
- No, Britney Cork!

Britney Cork.

Can you get a hair cut, here?

A housepet!

- How sweet!
- It's so soft!

- Is it male or female? - Whatever
you want me to be, baby. Yeah!

Hope he doesn't have worms.

I have only one worm
and it's housetrained.

Hey, what about me?

Aw, he's wagging his tail!

This story will actually happen.(Narr)

Whether the beverage
delivery man, Sigi Solo,

includes Prosecco in his selection,
however, is in the stars.

Oh, she's fast, all right!

She can do light-speed.

- Oooohh...
- Stop it!

Loosen up, Britney!

Loosen up?!
During manned space travel?

Stop it! The end!

- I say...
- Take it seriously.

Yeah sure.

Winnetou has come...

- I have a compass.
- Aha, a compass...

You mean this? Sorry.

Keep rolling, keep rolling.

- I have a compass.
- Aha, a compass, yeah. You mean this?

For crying out loud.

- I have a compass.
- Aha?

Where is it? Er...

No, it wasn't wrong, it was different.

- No ...
- No ...

Gus-Tav, Gus-gus-tav...

- I tripped.
- Whoops.

- Löffler was naked
- Yeah, yeah, na-naked.

Shit!

Arabic jojoba oil
is ideal for nasal fracking.

Gentlemen, my name
is James Beam,

I'll be your teleportation
dink-slapper, today.

I wish a you pleasant shit.
I'm going for lunch.

Father-in-law Otto, best man Rudi.
Rudi, Otto.

Annette, Rudi.
Annette, Chief's son. Annette ...

- "Chief's son?"
- Chief' of the Apaches.

Papa Otto, best man Rudi.
Rudi, Otto.

Annette, Rudi. Rudi, Annette,
daughter of father-in-law Otto.

- Ann...
- Again.

Father-inlaw Otto, best man Rudi.
Rudi, Otto. Annette, Rudi.

- Rudi, Annette, daughter of...
- Otto.

- Give it to me.
- That was good, but the angle is shitty.

I'm dying of shame!

Taraa!

- Cut!
- I forgot the shape.

No.

The Empress has been overthrown!

You're getting stuck
on everything, today.

She forced his hand with:
"it's either him my brother."

No. "Him or ..." Who?

Keep rolling, keep rolling. Shh.

- I'm not doing anything.
- Wait.

- Neither am I.
- Shh.

- Now, I am.
- Shh.

- It's asparagus and shh time.
- Shh.

Sigi, you old bouncy castle, we must...

- Are you gonna cut this, now?
- No, no.

You realize what I went through?...
Oh, my teeth!

I have so much hair on my face,
it's like I swallowed a sheep.

So, when I'm scared...

- I have something to nibble on.
- Yeah?

That's a dumb idea, we have no...

Always ears, ears, ears!

Earwig, ear up the prick,
prick up the ears,

and ...

I can't take this anymore.
I don't wanna do this anymore.

First, I bought myself
something nice to wear.

Then, I had a dollar sign
telephoned onto my sack...

Moment, keep rolling.

Pardon? "A dollar sign
telephoned onto your sack"?

That's world class! I'm sorry.

Shh!

I'll need the correct area code.

Sorry.

- Shh.
- Oh no.

Shh.

Shh.

- First I bought something nice to wear.
- I know.

First I bought something nice to wear.

Then ... Yeah, wait, Löffler.

Then, I bought something
nice to wear.

Then, I had another dollar sign...

Then, I had a dollar sign
tatt... on my nuts...

I need to go out.

- Zig-zag, chicken shit.
- Let me suck on this a moment.

Suction? We suck!

I have to suck the
prosthesis onto my teeth.

I lack the suction power.
Don't look so serious.

- I can't do it.
- I can't suck for you.

- What about pressing?
- What?

Yeah, press, on the incisors.

- Here?
- with feeling.

That's it, a little harder.

You find this cool, I can tell.

I'm stuck.

- In the gap?
- Is that OK?

- You're stuck on my tooth-gap?
- I can't get it out.

- Holy smoke.
- Careful.

- It left a mark?
- Yeah, look.

Post it on Instagram.

Well bravo.

I admire your instincts...

Cut.

"Fifty Shades of Lutz."

Cool!

With any luck,
never in theatres.

♪Subtitles by♪ XQ2☻♥