Original subtitles

Yeah, I'd love a noon facial with David.

Okay, is Lisa P. available? Manicure, pedicure?

No, it has to be Lisa P.

I'll take any appointment available.

Oh, yeah, Lisa M. is fine.

No, I will not see Philippe.

Phillippe hurt me once and I think I complained about that.

Kegels?

Hmm...

Disgusting.

What are you guys talking about?

Yeah, hi.

I can't come in today.

Well, then I quit.

Do you wax?

Okay... how's the asshole reshaping?

Should I get a diamond or a heart?

A four-leaf clover.

I need all the luck I can get.

Shit.

Oh, hi! I thought you were coming later.

Do you want to have sex with me? I do.

Ugh...

Oh.

Come on, bitch.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, so you get off holidays?

♪

Nothing's changed, everything is exactly the same.

I get acupuncture now.

That's a fancy, like, richer person thing, right?

Thank you. She goes, "nice."

I know, right? Acupuncture.

I go to a nicer waxing place.

A place where they, like, change the paper.

I'm like, whoa!

Am I the duchess of Deutschland?

Like, how...

There's, like, no blood on the paper.

I'm like, whoa, what do I owe this...

Make an acceptance speech.

Acupuncture, waxing.

Just like paying for more Asian people to hurt me.

That's what happens.

That's what happens with money.

♪

Welcome to "Who's More Over Their Ex?"

The game show where two contestants compete to prove

they're doing totally fine.

Let's meet our players, Amy and Julian.

Come on out, guys.

Welcome to the show. No.

Amy, tell us about your relationship.

Oh, well, actually Aiden and I aren't broken up-broken up.

We're just kind of on hiatus because he made out with

somebody at a party in front of me, and I totally overreacted.

I tried to apologize, but it was too late.

I already made things super weird.

Pathetic. Julian.

Oh... story's a little different.

I was about to propose to Maggie.

Who wouldn't, right?

And then she, uh, decided to move to San Francisco.

But it's cool.

I have my own things going on, you know what I mean?

I developed this new social networking app.

It's called Klooper.

And you'll be hearing about it.

No, I won't. Let's play!

Contestants, you will now receive a phone call from your ex.

Whoever holds out the longest without picking up plays first.

He looks like Aiden.

Not even remotely.

Remember, all you have to do is nothing.

You just have to have an ounce of dignity.

Hey, are you in town or...

You fool, it was me.

Is she... Is she with you?

No, she's not with me, she's in San Francisco

having the time of her life.

You're with me in this room.

Amy, you've got control of the board.

Hit that button to select your challenge.

"Mutual Friend!"

Okay, Amy, your challenge is

to have a conversation with a mutual friend of Aiden's

and not ask about him.

Let's bring out your friend Melanie.

- Hey, Mel. - Hey.

What's up?

- Nothing... hung over. - Ugh.

What'd you get into last night?

Oh, popcorn at home. You?

Some party in Greenpoint.

Did you go with Kelly or...

Yeah.

Was Aiden there?

- Yeah. - Okay, what was his vibe like?

- Like, did he seem sad or... - Disappointing.

All right, Julian, you've got control.

Hit that button.

"Change Your Status!"

Okay, Julian, your challenge is simply to change

your online relationship status.

Okay, piece of cake.

No problem.

We're just gonna change that to

"It's Complicated."

- Hear me out. - Nothing complicated about it.

You are alone, Julian. Amy, hit that button.

"No Excuses!" All right, Amy,

your challenge is to hear a piece of information

that could be used as an excuse to reach out to your ex

and not act on it.

Oh. Not a problem.

It shouldn't be, but here we are.

"There was a fire four blocks and two avenues away

from Aiden's house yesterday."

The thing with this particular one is that he walks to work

that way sometimes, so I feel like

I should probably just step out and call him

and make sure he's okay.

Actually, you know he's okay because

he was at that party in Greenpoint.

You really need to pull yourself together,

you're embarrassing yourself on television.

All right, it's time to play the final round.

Contestants, please step into the nostalgia chamber.

♪

Your challenge is to hear the song

"I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt

and not cry or eat carrot cake... Are you ready?

Uh, can we do a different song?

No.

Play the song.

♪

Julian's crying and eating cake.

Amy, that makes you our winner! Step on out of there!

Congratulations, your prize is Aiden.

You win your ex back, Amy.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Baby, I missed you so much!

Ooh, sorry, Amy, but that was your final test.

You're not over your ex.

- What? - Tough break.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Julian, you don't win either.

Nobody wins. There's no way to win this game.

Well, that's all the time we have.

Tina, if you're watching, give me a call anytime.

Fuck you, I love you... This is all for you!

♪

They're just like us.

Olivia Munn's cute.

She's pretty. Don't you think she's pretty?

Yeah, she's cute.

Yeah.

Channing Tatum has a new movie coming out.

He's so hot. You think he's hot?

I wouldn't know.

Seriously?

You think it makes you gay to acknowledge that a guy's hot?

I... I can't tell, I like girls, all right?

Yeah, but come on, you can just admit that.

Can we just drop it?

Fine.

But I mean, you see no difference between, like,

Eugene Levy and Channing Tatum?

Nope.

If they both needed mouth-to-mouth, you don't think

it would be grosser to give it to Levy?

It would be equally gross.

You're lying.

Okay, okay, you're asleep,

and you wake up to what you think is me going down on you

but then you look next to you, and I'm laying in the bed.

And then I say, "Eugene Levy is on your penis right now."

but then you look down, and it's actually Channing Tatum.

Wouldn't you be, like, slightly relieved and, like, finish?

No.

But you thought it was me up until the very end.

Okay, stop making me think about this, all right?

Oh, my God, you're so homophobic.

Imagining a hot guy's mouth around your junk

doesn't all of a sudden make you not straight.

Okay.

You're in jail, okay?

And these guys have you surrounded in the shower,

and there's no way out of it.

You've already just given over to the fact that you are

definitely about to take it right in the butthole.

- Oh, my God. - All right?

Okay, can we please just not talk about it.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're being silly about something so meaningless.

Just listen, you're in jail.

Okay, so you're surrounded, okay?

But they give you a choice who you're gonna get it from.

Four of the guys are Eugene Levy,

and they haven't showered in weeks.

But then there's Channing.

Beautiful, perfectly chiseled, great at dancing, Channing.

He's fresh out of the shower,

and his hair looks professionally done,

but you know it just fell like that.

- Amy. - What?

Just tell me you know what a handsome man looks like

and I will leave you alone.

Okay, I can see how Channing Tatum might be a little bit good-looking.

Are you happy? Jesus!

Get it.

Hey, sorry to interrupt, but I can't find my cat.

Have you seen it?

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

Wow.

- Hey. - Oh.

- Hey. - I'm John.

- Shh... - Yeah.

Okay.

I'll find your cat.

What's his name?

I'll figure it out.

Take my pants off.

Yeah, okay.

Get in there.

♪

What's your type? Like...

I like sad, skinny guys with beards.

- Hipsters. - Who wear like...

- Yeah. - Terrible fashion sense.

- Yep. - Take your pick.

Hey.

♪

I had an idea.

A show where four women get together to talk,

mostly about their mutual friend Janelle.

Let's gab.

- Hi, hi! - Oh, they're cute, thank you.

So did everybody have an exciting weekend?

Oh, you know what? I want to start,

because Saturday I had a day.

What happened?

Well, you know, I was picking up my new rescue puppy Simon.

Aww...

Stop. You have to rescue.

- There's no other way. - On the way home,

ran into guess who?

- Don't tell me. - Janelle.

Oh, I knew it.

- Janelle, okay? - Of course.

So we're saying goodbye, and she kisses me on both cheeks.

- Oh, my God. - Like, um, I'm sorry,

are you the duchess of Brussels all of a sudden?

Yeah, it's like, uh, USA?

Well, Amy's already got us started,

so I think we should just get right into it.

Our "Big Issues" segment.

Oh, people love this, love it.

Okay, I have a huge issue with Janelle's Facebook page.

- Ugh. Who doesn't? - Don't we all?

Hashtag "hope this day never ends"?

Um, that's what days do, Janelle, they end!

And B, uh, we know his name's Steve.

Like, you know she just wants to say "fiancé".

- So French. - I can't.

There's something, like, off about this dude.

Mm-hmm, something is up, something's up.

I actually really like him.

Yeah, but, like... come on.

Oh, yeah, totally. He is weird.

- Right! - He is weird.

So weird.

Well, we're onto our segment where we check Janelle's Instagram.

Oh, my God, this is the best.

Wow, shocker. It's about her cat again.

Like, we get it... its fur makes it look like

it's wearing a tuxedo... Who cares?

Oh, God.

Do you know that that cat, I heard, isn't even a rescue?

- Shut up. - She bought it, yeah.

- No. - I knew it.

You know where she got it?

- The mall. - She got a mall cat.

Oh, my God. That is so disgusting.

Oh, my God, you guys.

I just got a DM from Janelle.

- Oh, my God. - Should we read it?

Uh, it says, "Heard about the new show, ladies.

I'm sure it's great 'cause you guys are the best."

She knows I'm at work.

Like, I'm at work.

- Yeah, it's like, we're working. - We're working.

All right, you guys, stay with us, 'cause when we come back,

we'll be interviewing Janelle's personal trainer,

who she met with once.

At least she went.

Okay, do you want to be a part of this show?

Do you ever get annoyed with people's posts?

- Yeah. - Like, what annoys you the most?

When people are specifically downers.

- Like a cry for help? - Yes.

Because I'm not gonna help you.

You're the best friend.

Good afternoon.

I'm here to address the allegations

of inappropriate behavior on my part.

It's amazing that in 2014, there can still be a witch hunt.

I'd like to thank everyone who has stood by me,

especially my beautiful husband, Trentman.

Yes, you have a question?

Can you explain the graphic photos of yourself that you tweeted?

I tweeted those photos privately to my doctor,

who was available only via direct message.

I see, so your doctor's Twitter handle is "Hung as fuck"?

Correct. Dr. Hung.

He is Korean, and yes, my vagina's in perfect health.

Thank you for your concern.

What about the lewd texts sent from your cell phone

to college-aged interns?

I... What do you consider lewd?

"Your dick, my mouth right now."

Okay, that was an autocorrect issue.

Now, I'd like to focus on the work I've done

since I've been in office.

Have there been some scandals? Yes.

Have I done a good job?

No.

Well, that's why I need another term.

Why did you send the guy an invite to your pussy on Facebook?

That was a misunderstanding. I'm new to Facebook.

You put "invite" and then "pussy".

I mean, how confusing is that?

Would you comment, please, on allegations

that you were seen coming out of Slayer's dressing room

with your face and hair covered

in what appeared to be tapioca pudding?

Um... no.

We were going through your old yearbook,

and can you clarify your senior quote,

"Where you see a fist, I see a comfortable chair"?

I at this time would like to take the last question.

Is anything related to not what you just asked?

Yes?

Yes, what about allegations you had sexual relations

with Chris Christie's dog walker while on government property?

That wasn't a dog, that was a prostitute, and it was at my gym.

Okay, well, looks like you caught your witch, all right?

This is just a case of slut-shaming.

This slut is not ashamed.

Especially of the perfect puss pic I tweeted?

You're welcome! You are welcome!

There are more where that came from, okay?

If you're lucky, you'll catch another glimpse.

At this time, if anybody has any further questions,

you can address them to my campaign manager... Damone.

Isn't that right, Damone?

That's it for questions for the congresswoman.

Her husband will make a brief statement

while I talk to the congresswoman in private.

I just want to say that I love my wife and I'm standing by her.

Our private life is just that, private,

and I don't think that she should be punished

just because of the perfect pussy picture that you guys published.

Thank you.

♪

Would you vote for someone if you knew they had a sex scandal?

It depends on the nature of the sex scandal.

- A handy in a library. - Oh, definitely.

In front of their kids. Let me finish.

Oh...

But the kids are blind.

Oh, okay.

It depends on the scandal, but in general, no.

You don't care who they ejac'd on?

No, not in general.

Let's play "Fuck Marry Kill".

- Okay. - Clinton, Weiner, Me.

I'd fuck you, marry Clinton, and kill Weiner.

Thank you?

♪

I'm gonna bring out someone who is my absolute favorite

live performer of all time.

If you saw season one, you saw her.

Give it up for the one, the only Bridget Everett!

Hit the track!

This song goes out to anybody with a pussy.

And I'm not talking about a vagina,

I'm talking about a pussy!

♪ There he was just a-standing on the street ♪

♪ With them lazy blue eyes ♪

♪ Was he looking back at me ♪

♪ I said boy where you going ♪

♪ Don't care where you been ♪

♪ You wanna drink, fuck and love ♪

♪ It's a win win win ♪

♪ I can tell by the way you walk ♪

♪ What you gonna do with me ♪

♪ I can tell by the way you talk ♪

♪ You're gonna give it to me ♪

♪ So please take my number ♪

♪ I'll tell you where I live ♪

♪ Gonna leave the light on ♪

♪ Give give give ♪

♪ What I, what I ♪

♪ What I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪

♪ Hot sweet and sticky ♪

♪ Like Mrs. Buttersworth ♪

♪ Lick your fingers stick it in ♪

♪ And get your money's worth ♪

♪ You're a big tough daddy with a loaded gun ♪

♪ Whip it out, slap it down and let your motor run ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it let it rip ♪

♪ To the tippy-tippy top ♪

♪ Shit starts popping ♪

♪ Ain't no way to make it stop ♪

♪ Oh what I, what I ♪

♪ What I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪

♪ Yeah what I, what I ♪

♪ What I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪

♪

♪ This kitty is hungry ♪

♪ Give her her ball ♪

♪ Pop into the center of this Tootsie Roll ♪

♪ I'll say one more thing ♪

♪ And then I'll be done ♪

♪ Put your ♪

♪ In my hot dark oven ♪

♪ Oh what I, what I ♪

♪ What I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪

Everybody!

♪ What I, what I ♪

♪ What I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪

Y'all say it!

♪ What I, what I ♪

♪ What I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪

♪ What I, what I ♪

♪ What I gotta do ♪

♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪

New York City!

Ladies and gentlemen, Carmine Covelli and Adam Horovitz!

♪

Uh, would you care to comment on the video surfacing on TMZ

that reportedly shows you drinking vodka

and queefing "Gangnam Style"?

Yeah, can you please address

the recently deleted tweet from your account,

"Another day, another Valtrex, L-O-L"?

Do you deny your high school roommate's allegations

that you strung 30 billiard balls together

and claimed they were anal beads?

I have a couple more.

So easy.

Mmm, magic.