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1
00:00:05,871 --> 00:00:07,065
You must be the strippers.
2
00:00:07,139 --> 00:00:08,163
You the groom to be?
3
00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:09,605
No, he's inside with his buddies.
4
00:00:09,675 --> 00:00:10,699
Come on in.
5
00:00:13,178 --> 00:00:15,976
Oh, who's a good boy? Yes, I know.
6
00:00:16,048 --> 00:00:17,392
Oh, you're gonna have so much fun.
7
00:00:17,416 --> 00:00:18,440
Yes, I know!
8
00:00:18,517 --> 00:00:19,950
I know, have fun!
9
00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:21,596
Wait, I'm... I'm sorry.
This is just for dogs?
10
00:00:21,620 --> 00:00:23,520
Yeah. I'm throwing my dog, Josh,
11
00:00:23,589 --> 00:00:24,817
a wedding tomorrow and, uh,
12
00:00:24,890 --> 00:00:27,017
what's a wedding without a bachelor party?
13
00:00:27,092 --> 00:00:29,026
You're gonna have so much
fun, I know, I know!
14
00:00:29,628 --> 00:00:30,993
I gotta write the vows.
15
00:00:35,501 --> 00:00:37,230
Jen, seriously?
16
00:00:37,302 --> 00:00:38,380
You never done a dog party before?
17
00:00:38,404 --> 00:00:40,235
No, I've never done any party before.
18
00:00:40,305 --> 00:00:41,716
This is my first time. I'm just doing it
19
00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:43,731
'cause I need to buy a color printer.
20
00:00:43,809 --> 00:00:45,208
How you doing, honey?
21
00:00:45,277 --> 00:00:47,108
Come on. Oh!
22
00:00:47,780 --> 00:00:49,145
Jen, what are you doing?
23
00:00:49,581 --> 00:00:51,572
Last night as a free man.
24
00:00:57,689 --> 00:00:59,054
What the fuck? Okay.
25
00:01:04,129 --> 00:01:05,187
Oh!
26
00:01:05,264 --> 00:01:06,374
I'm sorry. Sorry about that.
27
00:01:06,398 --> 00:01:07,456
That's my bad.
28
00:01:07,533 --> 00:01:09,398
I'm so sorry.
29
00:01:12,538 --> 00:01:14,665
This sucks. This is bad for my self-esteem.
30
00:01:14,740 --> 00:01:16,002
You're losing the room.
31
00:01:17,910 --> 00:01:19,343
Gentlemen, no touching!
32
00:01:19,411 --> 00:01:20,742
What the fuck is this, Jack?
33
00:01:20,813 --> 00:01:22,337
That is one strike for the whole room.
34
00:01:22,414 --> 00:01:24,225
And it only takes two
strikes to end the party.
35
00:01:24,249 --> 00:01:25,580
I'm fine.
36
00:01:26,585 --> 00:01:28,382
So, where you from?
37
00:01:35,561 --> 00:01:37,201
Oh, he's... He's a little busy right now.
38
00:01:40,432 --> 00:01:42,423
I'm just doing my job, okay?
39
00:01:45,504 --> 00:01:46,664
She's got a gun!
40
00:01:47,973 --> 00:01:49,133
Ah! Oh, my god!
41
00:01:49,208 --> 00:01:50,334
Shit. It's gone bad!
42
00:01:50,409 --> 00:01:51,486
We gotta get the hell out of here.
43
00:01:51,510 --> 00:01:52,887
- But what about Jen?
- It's too late for Jen.
44
00:01:52,911 --> 00:01:54,003
We have to move now.
45
00:01:54,079 --> 00:01:56,013
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Move, move, move!
46
00:01:57,783 --> 00:01:59,842
- You got the cords?
- I've got the cords.
47
00:01:59,918 --> 00:02:01,329
That thing is useless without the cords.
48
00:02:01,353 --> 00:02:02,945
This is mine! This is for me!
49
00:02:15,868 --> 00:02:17,062
Do you have any pets?
50
00:02:17,136 --> 00:02:19,536
I have a dog, and a cat, and four fish.
51
00:02:19,605 --> 00:02:20,970
What are your fishes' names?
52
00:02:21,039 --> 00:02:23,030
Okay, they're all named George.
53
00:02:24,910 --> 00:02:25,934
What are your dogs named?
54
00:02:26,011 --> 00:02:27,069
William Wallace, yeah.
55
00:02:27,146 --> 00:02:28,511
- Oh, okay, that's sweet.
- Yeah.
56
00:02:28,580 --> 00:02:30,091
Do you ever play the Braveheart soundtrack
57
00:02:30,115 --> 00:02:32,310
and jerk him off?
58
00:02:32,384 --> 00:02:34,944
No, he doesn't have balls, so... Why?
59
00:02:35,020 --> 00:02:36,385
Yes, very true.
60
00:02:36,455 --> 00:02:38,535
You're talking about your dog
right now, right? Okay.
61
00:02:41,927 --> 00:02:43,485
When a woman has to find a shirt
62
00:02:43,562 --> 00:02:44,756
for her special guy,
63
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:48,061
what will it take for him
to say "Fine" to the shirt?
64
00:02:48,133 --> 00:02:50,033
If you love Say Yes To The Dress,
65
00:02:50,102 --> 00:02:52,263
you'll understand the concept of our show,
66
00:02:52,337 --> 00:02:54,999
Say Fine to the Shirt!
67
00:02:55,073 --> 00:02:59,510
Amy and her fiancé Brian are
shopping for a replacement shirt
68
00:02:59,578 --> 00:03:01,808
after he left his main shirt at an airport.
69
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,279
Just pick something, let's go.
70
00:03:03,749 --> 00:03:04,749
Hi!
71
00:03:06,251 --> 00:03:08,811
Welcome, how are you? You look great.
72
00:03:08,887 --> 00:03:10,087
- Thank you.
- And you must be?
73
00:03:10,122 --> 00:03:11,146
Brian.
74
00:03:11,223 --> 00:03:12,520
- Didn't catch it.
- Brian!
75
00:03:12,591 --> 00:03:13,819
Nice to meet you, Rah.
76
00:03:13,892 --> 00:03:15,018
No, he's saying Brian.
77
00:03:15,093 --> 00:03:16,822
Brian, Brian. Nice to meet you, Brian.
78
00:03:16,895 --> 00:03:18,328
Jeez, I just said it 14 times.
79
00:03:18,397 --> 00:03:20,074
- He's so cute.
- Didn't catch that either.
80
00:03:20,098 --> 00:03:22,965
So you're our man and
let's find you a shirt!
81
00:03:24,369 --> 00:03:26,360
Brian and I have been
together for five years,
82
00:03:26,438 --> 00:03:29,066
and engaged for four-and-a-half years.
83
00:03:29,141 --> 00:03:32,907
Brian is my soul mate.
84
00:03:32,978 --> 00:03:35,845
We met and we both knew right away,
85
00:03:35,914 --> 00:03:37,973
so I asked him to marry me, and he said,
86
00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:40,484
and I'll never forget it, he said,
87
00:03:40,552 --> 00:03:42,520
"Fine, I guess."
88
00:03:45,090 --> 00:03:47,217
So, guys, what's our price range today?
89
00:03:47,292 --> 00:03:50,989
Um, I would say anything between $50 up to,
90
00:03:51,063 --> 00:03:53,588
if it's, like, amazing, like, 12,000? Um...
91
00:03:53,665 --> 00:03:55,043
I don't know, what do you think, babe?
92
00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:56,507
Like, what are you comfortable with?
93
00:03:59,104 --> 00:04:00,696
Okay, great. Are we thinking
94
00:04:00,772 --> 00:04:03,741
sexy, classic sleeves?
95
00:04:03,809 --> 00:04:05,436
Maybe some buttons?
96
00:04:05,510 --> 00:04:07,341
- Oh! Buttons!
- Yeah?
97
00:04:07,412 --> 00:04:08,590
- Did you say buttons?
- Yeah, buttons.
98
00:04:08,614 --> 00:04:09,657
- Did you hear her?
- Buttons?
99
00:04:09,681 --> 00:04:10,909
- Are you listening?
- Brian?
100
00:04:10,983 --> 00:04:12,314
- Are you even listening?
- What?
101
00:04:12,384 --> 00:04:14,750
Why am I here? I have another shirt.
102
00:04:14,820 --> 00:04:16,845
I don't need another "another" shirt.
103
00:04:17,356 --> 00:04:20,723
Okay, Brian, when you were a little boy
104
00:04:20,792 --> 00:04:22,555
and every night you dreamed about clothing,
105
00:04:22,628 --> 00:04:23,993
what shirt did you see?
106
00:04:24,062 --> 00:04:25,154
That never happened.
107
00:04:25,230 --> 00:04:26,774
I didn't dream about
stupid stuff like that.
108
00:04:26,798 --> 00:04:28,265
Seriously, though, I gotta piss.
109
00:04:29,001 --> 00:04:30,901
Is this fine?
110
00:04:30,969 --> 00:04:33,096
- Yeah.
- Is this fine?
111
00:04:33,872 --> 00:04:34,896
Fine.
112
00:04:34,973 --> 00:04:38,136
Well, it seems like Brian
will wear almost anything,
113
00:04:38,210 --> 00:04:40,701
so it's really gonna take all my skills
114
00:04:40,779 --> 00:04:43,145
to make this prince feel like a princess.
115
00:04:43,682 --> 00:04:45,877
Oh! Oh, my God!
116
00:04:45,951 --> 00:04:47,509
What do you think?
117
00:04:47,586 --> 00:04:50,612
Brian has not seen Josh
and Beaver since college,
118
00:04:50,989 --> 00:04:54,083
so I hired a private detective
to track them down.
119
00:04:54,159 --> 00:04:56,286
It cost me $20,000,
120
00:04:56,361 --> 00:04:59,262
but it is so gonna be worth it
121
00:04:59,331 --> 00:05:01,765
to see the look on Brian's
face when he sees them.
122
00:05:01,833 --> 00:05:03,300
Open.
123
00:05:03,368 --> 00:05:05,427
I got your two best friends from college
124
00:05:05,504 --> 00:05:07,267
to come to share in our joy.
125
00:05:07,339 --> 00:05:08,636
Yo, what up?
126
00:05:08,707 --> 00:05:10,607
Hey, man. You hear TJ died?
127
00:05:10,676 --> 00:05:12,303
Oh, for real?
128
00:05:12,377 --> 00:05:13,503
What's up, Beav?
129
00:05:13,578 --> 00:05:14,806
Yo.
130
00:05:15,447 --> 00:05:16,880
Magical.
131
00:05:18,550 --> 00:05:19,550
Hey, gang!
132
00:05:19,618 --> 00:05:23,213
So, Brian, this is a Tommy Bahama.
133
00:05:23,288 --> 00:05:25,848
Okay, so it is blue, it has buttons.
134
00:05:25,924 --> 00:05:27,323
What do you think?
135
00:05:27,392 --> 00:05:28,984
- Whatever.
- Fantastic.
136
00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:30,494
Let's try it on. Come on.
137
00:05:30,562 --> 00:05:32,496
Come on, come on.
138
00:05:33,632 --> 00:05:35,463
Buttons.
139
00:05:36,968 --> 00:05:38,663
It's time for the big reveal.
140
00:05:38,737 --> 00:05:41,035
Brian has just tried on the shirt.
141
00:05:41,106 --> 00:05:44,405
Will it be fine or will it be
back to the rack for Travis?
142
00:05:44,476 --> 00:05:47,604
Okay, let's see our prince!
143
00:05:52,217 --> 00:05:53,684
He looks amaze.
144
00:05:53,752 --> 00:05:55,049
Friends, thoughts?
145
00:05:56,755 --> 00:05:58,222
Pretty cool. Doesn't look too gay.
146
00:05:58,290 --> 00:06:00,884
Okay, and you, Brian, what do you think?
147
00:06:00,959 --> 00:06:02,439
Is it everything you were hoping for?
148
00:06:02,494 --> 00:06:04,155
I guess.
149
00:06:04,229 --> 00:06:05,696
You know what?
150
00:06:05,764 --> 00:06:07,595
I think we need to jack him up.
151
00:06:07,866 --> 00:06:09,094
- What?
- Stand over there.
152
00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:10,259
Do it.
153
00:06:10,335 --> 00:06:11,359
What?
154
00:06:11,436 --> 00:06:12,494
Let him jack you up, guy!
155
00:06:12,571 --> 00:06:14,266
Just trust me, just trust me.
156
00:06:16,041 --> 00:06:17,508
- Now, look.
- I don't wanna look.
157
00:06:17,576 --> 00:06:19,043
Look in the mirror.
158
00:06:25,317 --> 00:06:27,080
Yes! This is my new main shirt.
159
00:06:27,753 --> 00:06:31,553
Brian, are you saying "fine" to the shirt?
160
00:06:32,424 --> 00:06:34,483
Fine. Oh!
161
00:06:34,559 --> 00:06:37,960
Fine, yes! A thousand times fine!
162
00:06:38,029 --> 00:06:39,963
I love it!
163
00:06:40,565 --> 00:06:42,465
This has been such a hard year for me.
164
00:06:43,034 --> 00:06:44,634
I just never felt that good about myself
165
00:06:44,703 --> 00:06:46,247
and then I just looked
at myself in the mirror,
166
00:06:46,271 --> 00:06:48,762
and I'm like... I felt like a butterfly.
167
00:06:49,641 --> 00:06:51,108
You know, at the end of the day,
168
00:06:51,176 --> 00:06:54,373
my real job is to make dreams come true.
169
00:06:54,980 --> 00:06:56,572
Also, I'm a cashier at Petco.
170
00:07:01,887 --> 00:07:02,997
How do you like when a guy dresses...
171
00:07:03,021 --> 00:07:04,283
Like, what's his style?
172
00:07:04,356 --> 00:07:06,517
Fitting jeans, a fitting shirt,
173
00:07:06,591 --> 00:07:09,082
dark colors,
nothing too outrageous looking.
174
00:07:09,161 --> 00:07:11,391
So you want to forget the
outfit, basically?
175
00:07:11,596 --> 00:07:12,620
- Pretty much.
- Yeah.
176
00:07:19,704 --> 00:07:21,399
You are listening to the audio tour
177
00:07:21,473 --> 00:07:24,442
of The Museum of Boyfriend
Wardrobe Atrocities.
178
00:07:24,509 --> 00:07:25,533
When you hear the tone,
179
00:07:25,610 --> 00:07:27,202
move forward to the next display.
180
00:07:28,780 --> 00:07:31,146
The man who wore this outfit
was named Josh.
181
00:07:31,716 --> 00:07:33,461
He met his girlfriend Jenna
when they were both
182
00:07:33,485 --> 00:07:35,077
waiters at Legal Seafoods.
183
00:07:36,354 --> 00:07:38,982
Tragically, this is what
he wore to meet her parents.
184
00:07:39,691 --> 00:07:41,522
Their relationship perished soon after.
185
00:07:42,894 --> 00:07:45,954
Heather dated Mark and his
bowling shirt for two years,
186
00:07:46,698 --> 00:07:49,258
and despite her protests,
he insisted on wearing
187
00:07:49,334 --> 00:07:52,360
calf-high tube socks.
She tried her best to hide them,
188
00:07:52,437 --> 00:07:55,065
stashing them for weeks
in their attic, but sadly,
189
00:07:55,407 --> 00:07:57,466
they were soon discovered and forced back
190
00:07:57,542 --> 00:07:59,009
into regular rotation.
191
00:08:04,216 --> 00:08:06,616
What you see before you may not look so bad
192
00:08:06,685 --> 00:08:11,213
until you know that it was worn
by Simon, age 55.
193
00:08:13,258 --> 00:08:14,919
It's okay. It's over.
194
00:08:18,497 --> 00:08:21,091
You are now
in the accessories wing.
195
00:08:21,366 --> 00:08:23,391
One survivor recorded the following words.
196
00:08:24,302 --> 00:08:26,236
First, he wore a braided belt,
197
00:08:26,304 --> 00:08:28,101
and I said nothing.
198
00:08:28,507 --> 00:08:31,601
Then came that hat, and I said nothing.
199
00:08:32,210 --> 00:08:35,771
Then he wore that fucking hemp
necklace, and I was like, "Peace!"
200
00:08:40,051 --> 00:08:42,281
You are now entering
The Hall of Sighs.
201
00:08:42,354 --> 00:08:44,948
You will hear actual recordings
of real girlfriends
202
00:08:45,023 --> 00:08:46,684
the moment they first bore witness
203
00:08:46,758 --> 00:08:48,726
to the horror of their
boyfriend's mistakes.
204
00:08:48,793 --> 00:08:50,488
Why are you wearing khakis?
205
00:08:50,662 --> 00:08:53,290
Where's what I bought
you for your birthday?
206
00:08:53,365 --> 00:08:55,356
We're going to my
sister's rehearsal dinner.
207
00:08:55,433 --> 00:08:56,433
Birkenstocks?
208
00:08:56,501 --> 00:08:58,526
It's too cold for shorts and you know that.
209
00:08:58,637 --> 00:09:01,606
I don't think this many
guys wore this stuff.
210
00:09:01,673 --> 00:09:03,368
Those numbers are exaggerated.
211
00:09:05,777 --> 00:09:08,769
There are 5,200 pairs of
Crocs in front of you.
212
00:09:08,847 --> 00:09:11,441
Each one represents
a relationship that was real
213
00:09:11,516 --> 00:09:14,747
and tangible until poor
judgment tore it apart.
214
00:09:14,853 --> 00:09:16,718
Did this really happen?
215
00:09:18,156 --> 00:09:20,386
It did, Gabby. It did.
216
00:09:31,937 --> 00:09:34,303
What is your least favorite
thing that he wears?
217
00:09:34,372 --> 00:09:36,863
His sweatpants.
218
00:09:36,942 --> 00:09:38,553
What's your least favorite
thing that she wears?
219
00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:40,704
You could dangle a rag off her,
she'd be beautiful.
220
00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:41,803
You know the old saying,
221
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,108
you can dangle a rag on her...
222
00:09:47,352 --> 00:09:49,081
You are
working out to couch sit,
223
00:09:49,154 --> 00:09:50,951
the workout you do from your couch.
224
00:09:51,222 --> 00:09:52,814
Now unclench your fists
225
00:09:52,891 --> 00:09:55,018
and bring your hands together and apart.
226
00:09:55,393 --> 00:09:57,486
That's right, give yourself a hand.
227
00:09:57,562 --> 00:09:58,790
You did it!
228
00:09:58,863 --> 00:10:00,854
Yeah, I did.
229
00:10:03,535 --> 00:10:05,366
Seamless? I just ordered.
230
00:10:10,241 --> 00:10:12,436
Do I need to sign something?
231
00:10:13,745 --> 00:10:17,203
Uh, where's my Surf 'n' Turf? Excuse me?
232
00:10:18,249 --> 00:10:20,046
Um, hello?
233
00:10:20,118 --> 00:10:21,585
Hi, yeah, the whole point
234
00:10:21,653 --> 00:10:25,282
of ordering Seamless is so that
you don't have to interact with anyone.
235
00:10:25,357 --> 00:10:26,790
You're ruining that right now.
236
00:10:27,892 --> 00:10:30,656
"I am Vlad, your mail order husband."
237
00:10:31,529 --> 00:10:33,360
"You ordered me at 4:00 a.m. Last week."
238
00:10:34,299 --> 00:10:35,926
No. No, no, no, no.
239
00:10:40,472 --> 00:10:42,030
- Hello?
- Kimberly!
240
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,003
Did you let me order a Russian muppet
241
00:10:44,075 --> 00:10:45,133
when I was on Ambien?
242
00:10:45,210 --> 00:10:46,234
Yeah, remember?
243
00:10:46,311 --> 00:10:47,655
You said you wanted to get your dick wet,
244
00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:49,237
but you're too famous for Tinder now.
245
00:10:49,547 --> 00:10:51,572
That doesn't sound like me at all.
246
00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:53,584
Okay, well, he's here! What should I do?
247
00:10:53,685 --> 00:10:55,414
Uh, stop taking Ambien?
248
00:10:55,487 --> 00:10:56,897
I... I don't know. Look, I have to go.
249
00:10:56,921 --> 00:10:58,321
We're cuddling and watching Splash.
250
00:10:58,390 --> 00:10:59,448
Ooh, Splash.
251
00:10:59,524 --> 00:11:01,617
What channel? Hello?
252
00:11:06,531 --> 00:11:07,930
Thank you, Vlad.
253
00:11:07,999 --> 00:11:09,694
I am thank you Vlad.
254
00:11:10,602 --> 00:11:13,127
I'm Amy, your wife.
255
00:11:17,475 --> 00:11:18,533
I think you should go.
256
00:11:18,977 --> 00:11:20,069
I... I go.
257
00:11:20,145 --> 00:11:21,612
Yeah, you go now.
258
00:11:22,247 --> 00:11:23,407
We go.
259
00:11:23,882 --> 00:11:26,476
No. No, you go. I stay.
260
00:11:27,118 --> 00:11:28,278
We stay.
261
00:11:28,453 --> 00:11:29,545
No.
262
00:11:30,188 --> 00:11:31,348
You...
263
00:11:33,992 --> 00:11:35,302
What am I supposed to do with you?
264
00:11:35,326 --> 00:11:38,022
I make "hech"? We "hech."
265
00:11:38,596 --> 00:11:40,530
- That... What is that?
- I push-push in...
266
00:11:41,366 --> 00:11:42,458
Ah.
267
00:11:43,001 --> 00:11:44,559
No. We're not...
268
00:11:45,370 --> 00:11:48,862
We're not there yet. Um...
269
00:11:50,041 --> 00:11:51,133
Excuse me.
270
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:56,338
Please sign.
271
00:11:59,384 --> 00:12:01,909
I have always wanted to do that.
272
00:12:01,986 --> 00:12:03,283
That was amazing.
273
00:12:04,656 --> 00:12:07,147
I would never have to talk
to a delivery guy again.
274
00:12:11,096 --> 00:12:12,723
Thank you, Vlad.
275
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:17,868
I could get used to this.
276
00:12:31,249 --> 00:12:34,013
Amy and Vlad fell in love.
277
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,620
Then Vlad revealed his secret.
278
00:12:37,689 --> 00:12:39,554
He was actually a merman.
279
00:12:40,325 --> 00:12:44,091
They could only stay together
if Amy lived with him in the sea.
280
00:12:44,162 --> 00:12:48,895
Their passion would make it possible
for her to breathe underwater.
281
00:12:49,701 --> 00:12:51,999
She chose Vlad and they lived...
282
00:12:52,070 --> 00:12:53,628
Guys, I'm super sorry.
283
00:12:53,705 --> 00:12:57,402
I wrote this when I was on Ambien,
and I don't know why we made it. My bad.
284
00:13:00,445 --> 00:13:03,437
Have you ever shopped online
when you were drunk or high?
285
00:13:03,515 --> 00:13:04,709
Oh, all the time, yeah.
286
00:13:04,783 --> 00:13:06,463
What's the worst thing you've ever gotten?
287
00:13:06,618 --> 00:13:11,453
I bought a, um... A star.
288
00:13:11,523 --> 00:13:14,014
Like, you name a star after you?
289
00:13:23,535 --> 00:13:24,934
I am not joking.
290
00:13:25,003 --> 00:13:26,914
That is the saddest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
291
00:13:26,938 --> 00:13:28,371
It's... It's horrible, right?
292
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,210
You're here to learn to evade and defuse,
293
00:13:38,283 --> 00:13:42,720
the ancient art of female emotional combat.
294
00:13:43,988 --> 00:13:46,183
Is that a power you wish to possess?
295
00:13:46,257 --> 00:13:47,622
Yes, sensei!
296
00:13:48,326 --> 00:13:49,418
Jeff, you're up first.
297
00:13:49,494 --> 00:13:51,428
Jeff, Kaitlyn is your girlfriend.
298
00:13:51,496 --> 00:13:52,793
It's date night.
299
00:13:52,864 --> 00:13:54,263
Bow and begin!
300
00:13:56,501 --> 00:13:57,741
You look really pretty tonight.
301
00:13:57,769 --> 00:13:58,827
Oh, just tonight?
302
00:13:58,903 --> 00:13:59,927
You always look pretty.
303
00:14:00,004 --> 00:14:01,444
You know, you never say "beautiful."
304
00:14:03,174 --> 00:14:05,094
Uh, I mean beautiful,
it's just not a word I use.
305
00:14:05,143 --> 00:14:07,373
That's interesting, 'cause
in one of your old e-mails,
306
00:14:07,445 --> 00:14:08,673
you called your ex beautiful.
307
00:14:08,746 --> 00:14:09,957
You were going through my emails?
308
00:14:09,981 --> 00:14:11,792
Hey, if you have nothing to
hide, it shouldn't be a problem.
309
00:14:11,816 --> 00:14:13,113
It's about privacy.
310
00:14:13,184 --> 00:14:14,651
- Stop yelling!
- I'm not yelling!
311
00:14:14,719 --> 00:14:16,152
Stop and bow.
312
00:14:17,188 --> 00:14:18,553
What did Jeff do wrong?
313
00:14:18,623 --> 00:14:20,056
- I was born.
- Jeff, get in line.
314
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:22,559
First off, never give your girlfriend
315
00:14:22,627 --> 00:14:25,027
a temporary compliment.
She doesn't look pretty.
316
00:14:25,096 --> 00:14:27,496
She is the most beautiful
woman of all time.
317
00:14:28,466 --> 00:14:32,163
Second, change your e-mail
password every two hours.
318
00:14:32,237 --> 00:14:36,401
And third, never change
the volume of your voice.
319
00:14:36,507 --> 00:14:38,134
Are we clear?
320
00:14:38,309 --> 00:14:39,867
Yes, sensei!
321
00:14:39,944 --> 00:14:41,605
Dave, step in.
322
00:14:42,313 --> 00:14:43,610
Kaitlyn's your girlfriend.
323
00:14:43,681 --> 00:14:46,479
You're eating dinner.
She's complaining about how you're chewing.
324
00:14:46,551 --> 00:14:49,520
And you strongly suspect
that she has her period.
325
00:14:50,788 --> 00:14:52,119
How do you respond?
326
00:14:53,424 --> 00:14:54,755
Hey, I'm sorry about the chewing.
327
00:14:54,826 --> 00:14:56,088
I'm working on it.
328
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,038
Uh, I know it bothers you,
I'm trying to be more aware of it.
329
00:14:58,062 --> 00:15:00,641
I know you're feeling crazy right now
because you're on your period.
330
00:15:00,665 --> 00:15:01,927
Unh!
331
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,331
Hyah!
332
00:15:04,636 --> 00:15:05,830
Congratulations, Dave.
333
00:15:05,904 --> 00:15:07,064
You're dead.
334
00:15:08,806 --> 00:15:10,398
Try again, new scenario.
335
00:15:11,776 --> 00:15:14,574
Kaitlyn is scowling at you for no reason.
336
00:15:14,913 --> 00:15:15,937
Go!
337
00:15:18,883 --> 00:15:20,214
Hey, what's wrong?
338
00:15:21,052 --> 00:15:22,383
Nothing.
339
00:15:22,820 --> 00:15:25,584
Stay calm. Remember your training.
340
00:15:27,959 --> 00:15:29,303
Honey, you remember
what your therapist said?
341
00:15:29,327 --> 00:15:31,438
When you have a problem with something,
you gotta communicate.
342
00:15:31,462 --> 00:15:32,895
We'll talk whenever you're ready.
343
00:15:32,964 --> 00:15:34,524
I love you and I'm always here for you.
344
00:15:37,936 --> 00:15:39,198
Okay.
345
00:15:39,270 --> 00:15:41,431
Excellent work. Get back in line.
346
00:15:41,806 --> 00:15:45,936
Remember, women can't deny the authority
of therapy and, or Oprah.
347
00:15:47,045 --> 00:15:48,876
Look at how docile Kaitlyn is.
348
00:15:51,816 --> 00:15:52,840
Louis!
349
00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:55,647
Step in. You'll be sparring with me today.
350
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,985
You quietly read that newspaper
while I attack you.
351
00:15:59,223 --> 00:16:00,520
Begin.
352
00:16:07,165 --> 00:16:08,462
Why are you ignoring me?
353
00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:09,659
Hmm?
354
00:16:09,734 --> 00:16:11,395
I was just reading the newspaper.
355
00:16:11,469 --> 00:16:13,960
But you couldn't even acknowledge
that you heard my voice?
356
00:16:14,038 --> 00:16:16,529
I genuinely didn't hear you.
What did you say?
357
00:16:17,575 --> 00:16:20,976
Never mind. If you wanted to hear me,
you would have listened the first time.
358
00:16:21,045 --> 00:16:22,069
Jesus.
359
00:16:22,146 --> 00:16:23,386
You're acting like your mother.
360
00:16:23,448 --> 00:16:24,813
Like your mother.
361
00:16:24,916 --> 00:16:26,645
Mother... Mother...
362
00:16:32,991 --> 00:16:36,449
If you say that, there is no coming back
and I can't help you.
363
00:16:37,161 --> 00:16:39,288
That's all for today. Leave me!
364
00:16:43,468 --> 00:16:45,459
I am not my fucking mother!
365
00:16:46,771 --> 00:16:47,999
Ah!
366
00:16:49,540 --> 00:16:51,735
Ah!
367
00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:55,445
You're acting like my mother.
368
00:16:58,416 --> 00:17:00,111
How do you win an argument with a girl?
369
00:17:01,285 --> 00:17:03,219
I don't normally win.
370
00:17:03,287 --> 00:17:04,447
- No?
- No.
371
00:17:04,522 --> 00:17:06,649
- You can buy stuff.
- Yeah.
372
00:17:06,724 --> 00:17:08,123
Like, girls like shoes and shit.
373
00:17:10,428 --> 00:17:11,656
That's true.
374
00:17:19,871 --> 00:17:21,236
- Kurt, Keren...
- Yeah.
375
00:17:21,305 --> 00:17:22,897
You are in an open relationship.
376
00:17:22,974 --> 00:17:24,134
- Yeah.
- Yes.
377
00:17:24,208 --> 00:17:25,368
Let's... Let's talk about it.
378
00:17:25,443 --> 00:17:28,378
It's not like a free-for-all,
but, uh, you know, occasionally
379
00:17:28,446 --> 00:17:29,723
you want to bang other people...
380
00:17:29,747 --> 00:17:31,227
- Yeah.
So then, we let each other.
381
00:17:32,583 --> 00:17:35,279
Um, whose idea was it?
382
00:17:35,353 --> 00:17:37,184
- It was me.
- Yeah, I...
383
00:17:37,255 --> 00:17:38,517
- lf I had...
- Wham!
384
00:17:38,589 --> 00:17:41,649
His wiener is a big responsibility.
385
00:17:41,726 --> 00:17:42,886
And I'm one person.
386
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,671
This is what I remember, we were
watching Sister Wives...
387
00:17:44,695 --> 00:17:45,773
You guys watch Sister Wives?
388
00:17:45,797 --> 00:17:46,974
- That's not what I would think.
- We did!
389
00:17:46,998 --> 00:17:48,124
- She does.
- Okay.
390
00:17:48,199 --> 00:17:49,443
- And she was like...
- Everyone has.
391
00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:50,644
You know, it would be handy to tag...
392
00:17:50,668 --> 00:17:52,046
You know, to tag out to a sister wife.
393
00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:53,414
- Mmm...
- And then, that's when she asked
394
00:17:53,438 --> 00:17:55,565
her friend, to, like, be that sister wife.
395
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,335
- I have a life to live, and I...
- Yeah.
396
00:17:57,408 --> 00:17:58,705
But you want him to be happy.
397
00:17:58,776 --> 00:18:00,971
Well, also, I didn't want her
to just be with one dude
398
00:18:01,045 --> 00:18:02,423
- her whole life, you know?
- Right.
399
00:18:02,447 --> 00:18:03,624
That was the other part of it.
400
00:18:03,648 --> 00:18:04,858
Right, 'cause you were a virgin.
401
00:18:04,882 --> 00:18:06,026
Yes, I didn't think about that part.
402
00:18:06,050 --> 00:18:07,161
It was right... Right from the beginning.
403
00:18:07,185 --> 00:18:09,225
The first time that Kurt had sex
with your friend...
404
00:18:09,253 --> 00:18:11,187
- Yeah.
- Where were you?
405
00:18:11,255 --> 00:18:12,666
- I think I was sleeping.
- Yeah, you went to sleep.
406
00:18:12,690 --> 00:18:14,351
I think I just, like, left them to it.
407
00:18:14,425 --> 00:18:16,359
Well, here's what it is,
like, 90% of the time...
408
00:18:16,427 --> 00:18:17,471
- Mmm-hmm.
- I just get tired.
409
00:18:17,495 --> 00:18:19,622
- That sucks, we all know.
- And Kurt's gotta fuck!
410
00:18:19,697 --> 00:18:20,823
Yeah.
411
00:18:20,898 --> 00:18:21,942
- That's what I told her.
- It's true.
412
00:18:21,966 --> 00:18:23,886
- Get out of this house.
- He's got to get his...
413
00:18:23,935 --> 00:18:26,213
- That time you had the flu.
- When did you have your first time
414
00:18:26,237 --> 00:18:27,381
hooking up with a different guy?
415
00:18:27,405 --> 00:18:29,498
I banged this guy who was my teacher,
416
00:18:29,574 --> 00:18:31,166
and I had a huge crush on him
417
00:18:31,242 --> 00:18:33,335
and wanted to, like,
bang him the entire time.
418
00:18:33,411 --> 00:18:36,390
Like, that first time, you were like,
"Oh, my God, I've only had sex with Kurt."
419
00:18:36,414 --> 00:18:37,472
Yeah.
420
00:18:37,548 --> 00:18:39,675
Now there's this new dick.
What... What is it like?
421
00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:44,551
We had, like, fast, awkward, weird sex,
but it was, like, that's the point.
422
00:18:44,622 --> 00:18:46,066
- That's the point.
- And then I was, really...
423
00:18:46,090 --> 00:18:47,868
Like, I needed someone
to high-five afterwards.
424
00:18:47,892 --> 00:18:49,736
All that matters...
My one... My one rule is that she...
425
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,694
As long as she doesn't enjoy it, I'm happy.
426
00:18:51,762 --> 00:18:53,957
Right, as long as it's not consensual...
427
00:18:54,065 --> 00:18:56,056
- And it was a mess.
You're fine.
428
00:18:56,134 --> 00:18:58,500
- I wanted her to get, well, a score, you know.
- Right.
429
00:18:58,569 --> 00:19:00,614
My score's kind of ahead of hers,
so I wanted her to, like,
430
00:19:00,638 --> 00:19:02,116
- even it up a little bit, you know?
- Obviously.
431
00:19:02,140 --> 00:19:03,198
Yes, yes.
432
00:19:03,274 --> 00:19:06,175
Number of people is almost not relevant.
433
00:19:06,244 --> 00:19:09,523
It's like, how much and, like, how much
you're getting it in, you know what I mean?
434
00:19:09,547 --> 00:19:11,291
- I do. I hear you.
- Like, and there was, like...
435
00:19:11,315 --> 00:19:13,861
Butt stuff involved, and, like,
just all the, like... I had, like,
436
00:19:13,885 --> 00:19:15,716
- significant catching up to do.
- Whoa...
437
00:19:15,820 --> 00:19:17,151
Oh. Oh, you mean what I did?
438
00:19:17,221 --> 00:19:18,866
- Yeah, I mean what you did.
- Yeah, there was butt stuff.
439
00:19:18,890 --> 00:19:20,501
You don't deserve all this.
Do you know that?
440
00:19:20,525 --> 00:19:22,186
I am a Christian woman. I don't...
441
00:19:22,260 --> 00:19:26,424
No, I mean, like, this sounds great for him,
and I don't think Kurt deserves this much joy.
442
00:19:26,497 --> 00:19:28,809
- Well, I didn't make it happen.
- Well, he's never appreciated it.
443
00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:30,244
First of all, I didn't
suggest that we do this.
444
00:19:30,268 --> 00:19:31,428
- That was her idea.
- Yeah.
445
00:19:31,502 --> 00:19:32,779
I don't think I could make someone...
446
00:19:32,803 --> 00:19:34,748
Like, if it was my idea, I don't
think it would have happened.
447
00:19:34,772 --> 00:19:37,536
You guys were gonna get married
and then what if you never had sex...
448
00:19:37,942 --> 00:19:39,534
- Yeah!
With anyone other than Kurt?
449
00:19:39,610 --> 00:19:40,702
That was not gonna happen.
450
00:19:40,778 --> 00:19:41,955
I don't think that's a good thing.
451
00:19:41,979 --> 00:19:43,223
I mean, I was raised to
believe that's the...
452
00:19:43,247 --> 00:19:45,272
The greatest thing, is, like,
you just have sex
453
00:19:45,349 --> 00:19:46,460
- with one person.
- One person.
454
00:19:46,484 --> 00:19:47,828
And I think that just, like, we...
455
00:19:47,852 --> 00:19:49,563
One special tiny hole for you to call home.
456
00:19:49,587 --> 00:19:51,787
Well, look, that works,
if you're gonna stay in whatever
457
00:19:51,856 --> 00:19:53,153
your doomsday cult is, you know?
458
00:19:53,224 --> 00:19:55,169
If you plan on staying in that,
then I guess that works,
459
00:19:55,193 --> 00:19:58,193
but if you gotta live in the regular world,
there's too many, like, options.
460
00:19:58,229 --> 00:19:59,740
- Right.
- And the truth is, like, we're not cheaters.
461
00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:01,425
Like, I want to do it on the level,
462
00:20:01,499 --> 00:20:02,543
- you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
463
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:05,512
Like, I don't want to sneak around. I
want it to be cool, and I just want to do,
464
00:20:05,536 --> 00:20:07,401
like, what is naturally
what people wanna do.
465
00:20:07,471 --> 00:20:09,816
- Yeah, and not resent each other.
- And not resent each other, yeah.
466
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,171
Yeah, it makes... I don't know.
467
00:20:11,242 --> 00:20:12,886
I think we kind of got...
Ended up closer from it,
468
00:20:12,910 --> 00:20:14,321
- if that's weird.
- Mmm-hmm. I think so.
469
00:20:14,345 --> 00:20:16,223
If that's even possible, 'cause we
were already really close.
470
00:20:16,247 --> 00:20:17,271
You were close.
471
00:20:17,348 --> 00:20:18,792
How long have you guys been together?
472
00:20:18,816 --> 00:20:20,647
Seven years this past winter.
473
00:20:20,952 --> 00:20:22,249
- Yeah, seven years, yeah.
- Wow.
474
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,652
And how long have you been
in an open relationship?
475
00:20:24,722 --> 00:20:26,383
Like, literally since day one.
476
00:20:26,457 --> 00:20:28,584
As soon as you saw his dick, you went,
477
00:20:28,659 --> 00:20:30,718
"I want my friend to meet you."
478
00:20:34,865 --> 00:20:37,925
Will you marry me?
479
00:20:39,036 --> 00:20:40,936
I can't!
480
00:20:41,672 --> 00:20:43,333
I met someone.
481
00:20:46,177 --> 00:20:47,644
I understand.
482
00:20:47,712 --> 00:20:49,475
Sorry.
483
00:20:57,788 --> 00:20:59,221
So easy.
484
00:20:59,323 --> 00:21:00,347
Mmm, magic.
485
00:21:01,993 --> 00:21:04,223
No one has ever...
486
00:21:04,495 --> 00:21:06,190
Said...
487
00:21:07,732 --> 00:21:09,529
My mom never said it!
488
00:21:14,138 --> 00:21:15,537
Sorry.
35347
