Original subtitles

Amy, you're my best friend.

We do everything together.

We love to have tea parties.

And dance parties.

Get ready for a day of fun and glamour

when you're hanging out with Amy!

The official Amy Schumer doll.

Look, she's spicing up her coffee.

Glamorous.

1:00 p. M! We're allowed to wake her up now.

She's waking up in a stranger's bed again.

She's so popular!

Uh-oh. No wrappers on the floor.

Time for Plan B.

Amy comes complete with a variety of accessories,

including a purse for her essentials

that you can dump on the table.

What's in your purse, Amy?

Birth control, Lexapro, dusty candy corn,

and a business card from a Tekserve employee

that gave her a vibe.

Amy also comes with a six-pack of cranberry juice

to help her UTI.

You'll feel better soon, Amy.

Dress her in three different outfits

that hide her problem areas.

A crop top.

This shows off her tramp stamp.

Skinny jeans to keep in the closet.

For someday.

And one nice thing for court.

It's okay, Amy, you can fall asleep in your clothes again.

Don't forget to sleep on your side.

I dress in a way where I accentuate

the parts of myself that I know are good.

Like, my wrists are very... A lot of people...

...respond well to those.

And then, only the people in the front are enjoying them, but my ankles...

Right? Great ankles on me, right?

Mmm!

And then shit hits the fan, yay, here. Like,

you can't totally tell, but under this,

it's just like a lava lamp. Like...

Shit's moving around.

I am zonked.

- I need a drink. - Yeah, me too.

This week was a shit show.

- Let's go somewhere we can get nuts. - Totally.

I'm ready to get completely bananas.

- Dude, what about Bangers? - Yo, totally down for it,

but I don't know if Amy

wants to go to a strip club.

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God! I'm cool with it.

Oh, my God, it's actually my pref.

Oh, we're going.

Come on!

Let's go!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

I like the dark-haired lady.

She's so pretty. I like the Asian one.

Excuse me, are you Asian?

Okay, how do I get your face and your body,

and your ass and your tits...

- On and on and on. You're so pretty. - Should we order some beers?

- Yes. - Beers? Fuck you!

We're getting shots!

Five Fireballs,

uh, and two of 'em are for me, okay?

I'm cool with it, so, whatever.

Watch this. Watch this, you guys, all right?

Okay.

I am so cool with it!

Oh, all right.

- Oh, there we go. - Ahhh!

Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!

- TGIF. - Right?

Wait, but, no, for real though.

- Seriously. - Hey.

- You want a lap dance? - Thank you, no.

Yes! What are we at, Whole Foods?

That's what we came here to do, right?

You know what? Fuck this. I'm getting onstage.

- I don't even give a shit. - Aw...

- I'm doing it. - Amy, don't.

Watch this. You don't even know me at work.

I'm crazy on the weekend.

- You can't be up there. - You guys don't even know. I'm cooler.

Argh! Oh!

No, are you serious? Vin Diesel could totally beat up a shark.

Man, that's not even, that's not even...

I would totally bang a shark.

Oh, my God, I'm so drunk.

I think I'm out of gas for the night.

No fucking way, Luke!

We're going to fucking go to the champagne room.

It's done! All right?

I already paid for it with my money!

- Really? - Okay? I'm cool with it.

Suck his dick!

I mean, my dream horse is a Palomino

'cause they look like they're gold.

But that's, like, out of my... That's expensive, is what I'm saying.

Amy! Come here!

She goes to night school.

I don't know what happened!

We were just messing around, doing some really basic choke stuff,

and she stopped moving.

- Oh, shit! - We, we have to call 911.

Yeah, right, we're calling 911.

Are you serious? No!

Would you call 911 if it was just you guys?

- Yes! - Stop talking out of your pussy right now.

I'm cool with it!

Get her legs. I'll get her arms.

I can't take this anymore.

You guys, go home!

I got this.

Seriously?

Yeah, I'm cool with it!

If you don't leave me all by myself

to bury this dead stripper,

I'll be super mad, you guys.

See you at work on Monday!

Boo work! We hate work. Blah!

We love weekends though!

I'll just be here

doing 100% of the work, even though

at work I make 78 cents on the dollar.

Hi, I'm Amy Schumer, and I'd like to talk to you about an important issue,

the wage gap for women.

Write to your congressperson today

and tell them you're not cool with it!

Or just support raising minimum wage.

Two-thirds of minimum-wage workers are women.

- Have you ever gone to a strip club? - Yes.

- Did you like it? No? - Nope.

Did you pretend like you were cool with it?

Nope, I sat in the corner.

Did you ever have a boyfriend that you pretended

like you were cool with something when you weren't?

Like every single one.

So, you like going to strip clubs?

I actually wanna be a stripper.

Really?

- Is that true? - Always, it's always been a fantasy of mine

since I was, like, in high school.

- Where would you wanna do it? - In The Bronx.

You know what? I feel like that dream is super attainable.

Girl, it ain't no lie Just look deep into my eyes

You're perfect and I think you should know

You should know

That you don't need no lipstick

You don't need no blush

'Cause you've got that inner natural glow

- Magazines say that you're whack - Girl, don't believe them

Just leave that tabloid trash on the rack

Girl, don't you read them

You're beautiful and who cares what they think

Now wash that lovely face off in the sink

In the sink, girl

Girl, you don't need makeup

You're perfect when you wake up

Just walk around like that all day

Go ahead, girl

Wipe that goop off of your face

I'll take you to a special place

It's something that I've got to say

Wipe it off, whoo Wipe it off, yeah

Wipe it off, let's go, girl Wipe it off

Ho-ho-ho-hold up, girl We spoke too soon

With this whole no makeup tune

We kinda changed our mind on the makeup thing

You'll be the hottest girl in the nation

With just a touch of foundation

Girl, I can't be seen with the ghost from The Ring

I didn't know that your lashes were so stubby and pale

Just a little mascara and you'll look female

Please listen, girl what we're trying to say

Just get up an hour earlier

And you can make yourself much girlier

- Much girlier - Girl, you don't need makeup

You're perfect when you wake up

Just don't go outside like that, okay

Just a little makeup Some natural looking makeup

What more do I have to say

Just put it on

- Put it on - I'm trying.

Just put it on Put it on

Sing, na-na-na, na-na-na na-na-na-na, na-na

- Na-na-na, na-na-na - That's not enough, girl

- More? - Na-na-na, na-na-na

Na-na-na-na, na-na na-na-na, na-na-na

Na, na

Girl, I wanna get real with you.

I got a lot of regrets in my life.

I regret missing my father's funeral

to audition for The Voice.

I regret being high when my niece was born.

But most of all, I regret telling you not to wear makeup.

That's on me.

But what's on you is hopefully more makeup.

See, it's like I tore up the shag carpet

assuming there were hardwood floors underneath.

But it turned out to be just dirty linoleum.

These are just metaphors, girl.

But they are about your face.

Girl, you do need makeup Lots and lots of makeup

Think of a clown and then work your way back

You are great except your face, girl

So don't take off your makeup

Wear it when you sleep and swim

We met someone else, we're out

Back in Pittsburgh, I worked murder police.

I was good at my job, but then a case took me to Miami.

Being plain made me invisible to the perfect.

And being invisible made me the perfect detective.

They call me Plain Jane, plain-clothes detective.

You wanted to see me, Chief?

Um, I got a case for you, Plain Jane.

You know my name's Amy, right, Chief?

Plain Jane's just a nickname I can't seem to shake.

- Two bikini models were poisoned last night. - Oh, no.

There's a tainted shipment of diet cocaine out there.

We've tracked it down to this supplier.

Santos Alvarez.

He's gonna be at a smoking-hot model party tonight

at Club Cuerpo Caliente.

Oh, Club Hot Body, I know it.

I'm thinking we can get you in undercover,

as a replacement bartender.

No need, Chief, hot people don't see me, like, at all.

God damn it, Plain Jane!

If only inner beauty mattered.

I wouldn't be half the cop I am today, Chief.

Maybe just a little rouge.

If this club were in Pittsburgh,

I would've been spotted a mile away.

But in the land of perfect tens,

threes just don't count.

What can I get for you?

Oh, I'll have a club soda and...

Skinny girl energy drink.

Oh, God damn it.

There's something wrong with this stool.

Old and busted.

That's when I spotted Santos.

Here is my 100k.

Where's the diet cocaine?

Hey, what's that noise?

- Hey, is this a setup, man? - Of course not, tranquilo.

There's nobody here but us, okay?

Nobody but us and that moldy compost bin.

Okay.

Here's the coke. Try it.

Freeze! It's poison!

Did you just hear, like, a fat wind howling?

Let me try the goddamn diet cocaine.

- Slow up, bitch, I'll do it. - Get off, I was first!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop fighting and start snorting.

Okay, who brought in the bag of wet leaves?

- You're coming with me, dirtbags. - Hey!

Is that inflatable snowman, wearing a birthday hat, a cop?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will...

I think the snowman is leaking.

Just go see if you can squeeze the air out of it.

Freeze, vendejo!

All right, book 'em, boys.

Another case closed.

Plain Jane has disappeared again.

Chief, I'm right here!

Oh!

I thought that you were a

jumbo sleeve of cookie dough.

You're not even hotter than me, Chief! We're in the same league!

Yeah, but, uh, I believe in myself.

You don't have to do this. This is my job, I can just do it.

No, I mean, why do you have two jobs

when your boyfriend is sitting on his ass?

It's his dream, okay? He's following his dream.

His dream. Ugh, he's terrible.

He's talented, and he, like, is almost off drugs.

And he's literally, like, a month from being divorced.

Am, please don't turn into one of those girls

that sacrifices everything for their guy, and, like,

then he just ends up sponging off of them.

- Please? - Sponging, huh?

Hi, Kyle.

It's BBibbyRapsKyle1975@yahoo.com.

He uses the same, uh, rap name and email,

so people can get in touch with him for bookings.

I was in the area, I thought I'd come by and say hi to my little sunshine here.

Or would that be sponging? Huh.

She's just trying to be a good friend.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

I'll just grab some food and leave.

No, you don't go! Janet can go.

- What? - You can leave.

What do you want? I'll make you whatever you want.

You don't have to, just heat up the squid ink paella.

Oh, you finished that.

Oh, then just, uh, make a new one's fine.

Listen, I know you're her best friend,

but could a sponge do this?

My girl, hmm, is my world, you know what I'm saying,

to your face, I know, you're like, "Who's this guy?

"Taking my friend all the way to the love sky?"

What, love sky?

All of these sounds are coming from my body.

All right, listen, I have to go.

All right, you have fun with your body noises and your paella.

Is that a flute? No!

That's coming from my body.

Oh, my God, is that a flute?

- That was me. - That gets me every time.

Amy, you're better than this.

No, I'm not.

Forget about her. Hey, listen.

Penny for your thoughts.

Well, I'm just wondering when we're gonna have sex again.

It's been like a month.

I want to so bad,

but I need my mojo for my raps right now.

- You know that, right? Yeah. - Yeah, I know.

Oh, by the way, one more bad thing.

I, uh, went a little over budget on the album.

We're gonna need you to give me another $10,000

to keep our dream alive with my dream alive.

But I'm already working two jobs.

No, I hate that!

I hate it!

No!

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

It just kills me that you have to work so hard.

I think it'd be better if I just left,

- and never came back! - Oh, please don't do that!

- You'd have a better life! - Please don't!

No, babe, stop it, I love our life.

I love you. Just promise me that if this rap thing doesn't work out in the next...

...in the next month, that you'll get a job.

Girl, there's one thing that I can guarantee.

I'll be making so much green,

you'll be thinking Kermit when you think of me.

There's no band, it's just me.

That means all the sounds are coming from my body.

Coming from your body, I can do it too.

The sounds are coming from my body.

Oh, my body.

Don't quit your day jobs.

Girl, when you're mopping floors

Know I'm at home thinking 'bout the girl I adore

And I wish you didn't have to answer phones from 9 to 2

But those are key rap-writing times, you know that, boo

When you're landing planes I'm thinking now, that's my girl

Making all of that bacon while I change the world

She's suffering from extreme exhaustion.

She's in a coma.

Oh, you're lying in bed, and I feel fine.

All of this guilt drive me out of my mind.

Out of my mind.

Pardon me, I'm sorry, but my wife was waiting for a skin graft,

and I couldn't help but overhear.

Were you just using a synthesizer?

Nope.

So, you mean to tell me that all of those sounds

were coming from your body?

Yup.

I'm the president of rap music.

Oh, snap!

And I need to work with you right away.

- You give me a call. - Yeah, I will!

I will give you a call!

- Hey, can she hear me? - Yes.

I'll give you two a moment.

Baby, listen.

I think we're on two different paths, you know?

Like, I'm gonna be this big rap star making millions

and having all this fame,

and you're, like, in this bed

acting a fool all boring-like.

So, I'm gonna peace out.

But you remember,

you'll always be my little baby-baby girl.

Peace.

So, Noel, you're the founder of ashleymadison.com.

Guilty as charged.

Tell me what ashleymadison.com is.

It's a community of likeminded individuals,

for the most part already attached,

looking to play around on the side.

You know what, the first time I saw the Ashley Madison commercial,

I was like, I cannot believe this is allowed to exist.

Yeah, you know, our TV commercials are some of the most

complained about advertising in the history of the entire nation, right?

That seems like it would be a good thing, though.

- Like, that that would sort of help marketing. - Controversy has fed part of our success.

- Yeah. - There's no doubt about it.

We don't like having our ads taken down. We think censorship is a terrible thing.

- There's nothing illegal about our business. - Mmm-hmm.

- It's just some people judge it. - What about cigarettes?

Well, there's so many products out there.

Listen, alcohol consumption does lead to

- disease and addiction. - Well, let's just slow down there, okay?

- That one's good, that's important. - That's never been proven!

Um, so, you must be someone who gets a lot of rage directed at you.

Yes, people are really furious,

and I don't think they understand the concept of monogamy.

That's why most people don't negotiate it, even in their own marriages.

Like, I never sat down with my wife and said,

"What is acceptable? Can I massage, you know, Amy's foot right now,

- "is that acceptable behavior?" - What'd she say?

Well, I haven't asked her, I haven't...

- Let's find out what she thinks. - We're gonna do it.

- And we're... - This is the best interview I've ever done.

So, the point is they don't negotiate monogamy.

Who knows where this ends up, right?

You know what, I just remembered the commercial

where the husband cheated on the wife.

This, the commercial kinda made it seem like, because she got really fat.

Why do people have affairs? People ask me all the time.

That is a legitimate reason.

I just want you to hear it from me,

someone who's had, who's had no kids,

um, that I've kept.

You know, I feel like aging, unfortunately,

it doesn't agree with women as well as it agrees with men.

You have kids, you put on some weight, whatever.

And even though I hear you, I did think that it was kinda mean and unsympathetic.

Fair enough, but, but what about dealing with reality?

Right now, if you're, if you're about to get married,

one interesting thing I could do for you

is hand you a bit of a road map. I could say,

this is when infidelity tends to happen in marriages.

- When is that? - It coincides with this.

- Right. - First bump.

- Do men cheat when women are pregnant? - Yeah.

That's the first time they look to stray,

because their sex lives go from 100 miles an hour,

- anytime, anywhere, wherever... - Yeah.

...to where there's a bunch of restrictions put on it.

Do you ever get super depressed?

I'm living the life, like, honestly. I have a billion dollar company, I...

I knew it!

Can I have some money?

- Yes. What do I get? - How much?

You got to rub my foot.

Do you know how many people write to me on Twitter?

My Twitter... My feet have their own Twitter.

Any other questions, you guys?

Jessi's gonna be bummed, she's pregnant as fuck.

She's in the danger zone.

Oh, God, hey, it's so great to meet you.

My husband just texted me, he's out!

Um...

I'm sending him the book, I'm sending him the book.

You fucking demon. I'm just kidding.

I'm gonna be this huge rapper with lots of money and fame,

and you're, like, in this bed acting a fool.

I don't think I can do it.

But you'll always be my little baby-baby girl.

It's fucking bullshit!

But you know you'll always be my little baby-baby...

So easy!

Mmm, magic!

Get a job.

Girl...