Original subtitles

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- Why? Why are you in the house?

Get out of there!

- Well, she lives there. [both laugh]

- Oh, good. Yeah, grab a kitchen knife.

The worst weapon ever, every time.

How are you gonna kill a ghost with a knife?

- Okay, you're a movie villain. What's your weapon of choice?

- Pfff, easy-- a deadly boomerang comb.

Pull it out, chuck it, cuts them in half,

grab it, calmly comb my hair when it comes back to me.

- Then there would be blood all in your hair.

- Fine with me.

Always wanted to be a redhead.

- Lord, no, I--I can't. I'm not gonna watch.

- Why are you still watching? You're a mess.

Do you want us to put on the game?

- He thinks fear is like an allergy,

like if you eat a few peanuts every week,

then you won't be allergic to peanuts anymore.

- Then why am I still allergic to latex?

- I'm sorry. What's that, young lady?

- Nothing.

- Cap, what's your villain weapon?

- Flamethrower. - [groans]

- Is that some kind of perverse firefighter fantasy?

- Not at all.

It's just got the most taglines after the kill.

"She was an old flame."

"You're fired."

- "His ears were burning." - Okay.

- "That's what I call kicking ash."

- both: Yeah! - [chuckles]

- She's not dressed for ghost hunting.

- No, not at all. - No, she is not.

- Oh, what is it? [dramatic musical sting]

[screaming, laughter]

- Cat. That is a cat.

God, man! Why?

- Granny, you should start smaller.

I'm thinking a "Scooby-Doo" episode.

- Oh, man. That might be more appropriate.

[tense music]

- [dramatic musical sting] - [screams]

- [growls] - Ah!

- [all ooh] - Ooh, wow--whoa!

- Did I get him? - Yeah, you did good, buddy.

Oh, this thing is stuck to your face.

- Yeah, I think it's part of me now.

- Damn it, Andy, you know my history

of knocking people out when I'm scared.

- I didn't know that, no.

- Why do you think we got you to do it, man?

- What's all the noise in here? - Ah!

- Holy!

- I thought Granny wasn't allowed to watch horror movies.

- Well, at least we got the mask off.

- Ow.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ The fire's out ♪

♪ Now you wanna be ♪

♪ Where the laughs are free ♪

♪ Tacoma FD ♪

- ♪ [vocalizing] ♪

- How's your face feel?

- Still numb, but at least I can feel

the lower part of my body again.

- Looks like you made out with a waffle iron.

- [laughs] What's up, Golf Ball Head.

- [cackles]

- Hey, Chief, you want some chicken cordon bleu?

Oh.

- So Granny, when did you start scare-punching people?

- Oh, uh, probably when I got my first jack-in-the-box.

I don't know. I'm just jumpy, I guess.

- What's the most afraid you've ever been in your entire life?

- When I was 10, I was at a surprise birthday party

for my Aunt Carol.

- Ooh, I like where this is going.

- I was crouched down with the rest of the guests,

waiting to surprise her.

And right as she walked through the door,

everybody jumped up and yelled at me.

It was my surprise-surprise party.

- So then you swung? - Yeah.

Uncle Dave wound up with a broken jaw,

and I got permanently removed from the Christmas gift list,

so whatever.

- What about you, Ike?

What's the most scared you've ever been?

- Oddly enough, it was at a haunted house.

- That's not odd at all. - Yeah.

That's like saying the wettest you've ever been is at a pool.

- Oh. - [cackles]

- Why does he keep leaving?

- Anyway, I was working at this place called Nightmare Manor.

- Oh, I know that haunted house, right by the refinery.

- Yeah! I played the executioner.

- More like the flex-ecutioner.

- You saw me? - No.

- Oh, anyway, yeah, I jumped out

and scared this guy so bad once, he had a heart attack.

- Nice job.

- No, no, I mean he went into cardiac arrest.

And I froze.

Like, I didn't do anything.

It was lucky my buddy, Dracula, he jumped in and performed CPR.

The guy survived, thankfully,

but I tell you, that feeling of uselessness...

it really scared the crap out of me.

- Whoa.

- Anyway, that's the reason I became a first responder.

- Cool origin story. Lucy, your turn.

- Okay, I was seven, and I was

at the Tukwila Family Fun Center with my dad,

and I was holding onto his pant leg so I didn't get lost.

I, uh, got bumped into this sea of people,

so I let go for a moment.

And we kept walking for a while,

and... eventually I looked up, and I realized

that I was holding onto a complete stranger.

My dad was nowhere in sight. I was lost.

- Did you find your dad again?

- Ike, you know her dad's the chief, right?

- [sighs] Yeah--no, I...

That's what I s-- I know that.

That's what I said, Andy.

I mean in the story, did you find your dad?

She's telling a story.

- That's not what I meant! - Okay.

- So I kept shouting for my dad, and no one could hear me.

It was like I was trapped under all these people,

and I thought I was gonna be lost forever.

It's the most terrifying feeling I could ever remember.

- I don't remember it that way.

- Dad, I found you at the concession stand,

and you were wearing your ugly gray sweater

and holding a bratwurst with onions.

- The bratwurst rings a bell.

- Why do you keep popping in and out of here?

- I'm getting my steps in.

Vicky got me one of these new fit bands.

- I don't think they're really new.

They've been around for about 10 years.

- They still suck.

They're supposed to motivate you to walk more?

All they do is motivate you to swing your arms.

- Well, maybe you'd have more motivation

if you had a companion to walk with, like a dog.

- Ooh.

- We're not getting a dalmatian.

- Oh, come on, I think it'd be really great for morale.

And besides, I think most fire stations have them.

- I'm not most fire stations.

Dogs are needy, they stink, and they lick you.

- What about a Clydesdale? - They lick you too.

Eddie, I almost got my steps. Where's my chicken cordon bleu?

- I got it right here.

- Aw, good. Cheese and ham.

- God, he can be so ornery, can't he?

- Yeah, but I love that about him.

- What about you, Cap? What's your scariest moment?

- That's easy. Sophomore year in high school.

It's picture day.

The photographer took a photo of me from my bad side.

- And then what happened? - That's it.

I know it's hard to believe, but the photo was hideous.

Even after I cried,

she refused to take of me from my good side.

- That's it? - Yeah.

I had to petition the school

to stop publication of the yearbook.

- Wow, that's crazy 'cause-- - Mm-mm, ah.

- Oh, okay! Impressive.

- It's his good side. - Andy, your turn.

- Oh, I'm not afraid of anything.

- Nah, come on, everybody's scared of something.

- Nope, not me.

There is nothing I can think of that I am afraid of.

- What about Chief when he's low on carbs?

- Not even that.

Basic law and union guidelines prevent him

from mortally harming us in any way.

- Well, I sure hope so because

I have something to show you guys.

- Oh, shit. - Oh.

- Hey! - Whoa!

- Lucy, you are dead.

- Lucy, why would you bring a dog in the station

when you know how much your dad hates animals?

- He doesn't remember losing me at the family fun park,

so maybe I don't remember him saying no dogs.

- Ooh, I don't know if that's gonna hold up in court.

- What's your name, boy? Huh?

what's your name? What's your name?

What's your name? Does he have a name?

- I don't know yet. - Wow, he's an orphan?

- Orphans have names, man. - Yeah, that's true.

- I just don't have the heart to name him

in case I have to give him back.

- You gotta give him a name, like, um, Sparky.

- Yeah, or Blaze. - Flame-O.

- That's already taken, bud. - Not a dog, though.

- I got it--Hoser. - Oh, yes!

- Hoser it is. Aw, come here, Hoser.

- What the hell's that? - Oh, jeez.

- I can explain. - Chief, you know what?

It's actually all of our faults.

Well, it's like 60-40, Lucy.

- I saw him at the animal shelter,

and I mean, look at this face, Dad.

- How could I resist? - Look at that face.

- We named him Hoser. - Get rid of it.

- Oh, come on, I will walk and feed him myself every day.

- Please? - Oh, yeah?

You said that when you were 12 years old,

and I ended up scooping dog shit for two months.

- Oh, hey, what if we get a golden retriever?

- [sighs] You're missing the point, Ike--no dogs.

- Station 24, respond to structure fire

at 666 Eerie Ave.

- Let's go. - Tough address.

Come on, Hoser. Good boy.

- Hey, Chief, are you gracing us with your presence?

- Yeah, I gotta get my steps in.

- Wow, you're taking this seriously.

- Vicky's monitoring my progress on the website.

- Happy to have you. - Glad to be here.

- Try not to get in the way.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[sirens wailing]

Is that what I think it is?

- It is if you think it's Nightmare Manor.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- I hope Granny's up for this. - [cackles]

[eerie music]

- Car one to dispatch, I got smoke showing

on a three-story wooden structure.

Car one in command.

- Whoo-hoo, baby! What are the odds, huh?

- Man, I don't like this.

And why is that crazy old lady staring at me

from the top window?

- I can't remember if that's a cardboard cutout

or a real ghost.

Rumors are this place is, like, haunted for real, for real.

- [yelps]

- I ain't afraid of no ghost. I ain't afraid of nothing.

- All right, Lucy, you're with me.

- We're on crowd control. - Okay, Ike and Granny.

Grab the main attack line from rear step.

The three of us are gonna locate the fire.

- Andy, you man the pump. - Cap, why can't I go in?

I'm not even afraid of this place.

- Yeah, let me man the pump.

- Andy, you man the pump. Granny, get in there.

All right, let's go to work. Pack up, everybody.

- Hey, Granny, don't crap your scaredy pants.

- [cackling] - Stop whining and get to work!

[dramatic music]

- Tacoma FD! - Tacoma FD, everybody out.

- Everybody out, please. - Please exit the building.

- Let's go, let's go. - Come on.

- Let's go. Please exit the building.

- Everybody outside, please. Thank you very much.

- Everybody out. - Outside.

- It's like I never left!

Place looks exactly the same.

- We got smoke coming up from the floor over here.

- No, no, Cap. It's a fog machine.

- This is all fog machine. - It's all fog?

All right.

- All right, Lucy, let's go this way, come on.

- So this way is the Witch's Cauldron Room.

It's actually a great place to have sex

if you're into hot tubs and stuff.

Over here is the Room of a Thousand Eyes,

also a great place to have sex if you're into being watched.

- Look, man, let's just find the fire

so we can get the hell out of here.

- No, yeah, absolutely.

Uh, best thing to do would be cut through the Insane Asylum.

Ah, sorry, old habits. The Mentally Challenged Ward.

It's right here.

- [dramatic musical sting] - Ah!

- [grunts] - Oh!

- Whoa! - And what the hell was that?

- Dude, you just punched an employee.

- I didn't mean to.

You know this is the type of shit that freaks me out.

- Hey, Carl, is that you? You crazy son of a bitch.

You can't jump out at this guy! He's my buddy, Carl.

He's worked here for, like, 12 years.

- Hey, Carl.

[upbeat rock music]

- Hey, everybody, listen up. Tacoma FD.

A fire alarm has been triggered in the building.

I'm gonna ask you to evacuate in an orderly manner.

- Oh, no. save us, right?

- Sir, this is an actual emergency,

not part of the show.

- Oh, sure, yeah. The smoke almost seems real.

[imitates choking]

- Dad, I think these firefighters might be legit.

- What, a chick and a fat guy? Come on.

- All right, buddy, let's go. Come on, you guys.

You and your kid, out. Ghouly, let's go.

You're out. Let's go.

Everybody's out. Everybody's out.

Lucy, you head down the hallway.

I'll take these people out. I'll meet you in the back.

Okay? All right. Look at this guy.

I got a werewolf here.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[screaming]

- Oh, yes.

The Hall of Hands. I forgot about this place.

Ah--oh, jeez, sorry. Is that Phil back there?

[laughs] He's as strong as an ox.

- All this smoke is fake. - Yeah.

All the fires are fake too, man.

Where's the real stuff? [screams]

- Don't do that--just reach out and shake a hand or something.

Don't offend 'em. Come on.

- Let's just get through this, okay?

- Yeah, unless the next room is the Hall of Hand Sanitizer,

I'll pass.

[applause]

Aha. Ah, thank you.

- Well done, Cap. They love it.

All right, just, uh, to the right here, fellas.

- Okay--ah!

- Take it ease.

- Come on down, folks. Watch your step.

But please get away from the house.

Thank you. Sorry to ruin your night.

- Hey, uh, can we get our money back?

- Actually, I don't work here.

- How about a voucher so we can come back another time?

- I mean, I have some TFD stickers

and maybe some band-aids--

- Ah, forget about it.

Another crappy weekend with Dad.

- Let's go. - Sorry, kid.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Stay calm, sir. - Dude, back up off me.

- Your eyeball is hanging down by your mouth.

- Do you know how long it took me to get this right?

- It's a $40 prosthetic. - Oh.

- Asshole. - Oh, thank goodness.

I didn't wanna actually have to deal with that.

Whoo--oh!

Those aren't real guts. They don't get that glossy.

Okay, tell me that is a fake cleaver

on your--all right.

The last thing I need from you with the cleaver

is an attitude.

- Hello?

[dark ambient music]

♪ ♪

[eerie tone]

Hello? Someone there?

[heartbeat pulsing]

Hello?

- ♪ [vocalizing] ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey, Chief, I got turned around.

It looks like I'm at the Silence of the Rams Room,

whatever that is.

You copy, Chief? Chief, do you copy?

Hey, Dad?

Okay.

Damn flashlight.

Chief?

Dad?

[sighs]

[dramatic musical sting] [screams]

- Your radio won't work down here.

There's no one to hear you call.

- Mister, you need to go-- - I'm Buffalo Phil.

- Have you seen a fire chief dressed like this?

- Is he a great, big, fat person?

- Excuse me? - Come on.

You never saw "Silence of the Lambs" either?

You're like the 10th person today.

Does no one watch the classics anymore?

- I thought this was Silence of the Rams.

- It's a copyright thing.

- Listen, the building's on fire, and you need to evacuate.

Is there anyone else down here?

- If I said Hannibal Lecter, would you know who that was?

- Uh... - Oh, unbelievable.

- [sighs heavily]

Oh. [screams]

Ow. Come on.

[coughs]

- Wow, it's all smoke and mirrors, fellas.

Oh, and if you need a confidence boost,

stand in front of this one with your pants off.

Hello! Whoo-whoop!

- Okay, enough. Ike, where's the control room

so I can turn the fog off and the lights on?

- I'm flattered you think I had control room access.

- I've never been in that room. - Okay, I'll find it.

You guys keep looking for the real fire, I'll get the lights.

- The sooner the better, Cap.

- You're fine. Come on, let's go.

I know this place like the back of my hand.

[both scream]

Oh, hey! Whoa, come on, man. No!

Calm down, man.

[both scream]

Granny, that's like seven years bad luck.

- Okay, raise your hand

if you're in need of real medical attention.

Oh, really, of all people,

the one that doesn't have a hand?

- I have a splinter in my foot. Do you have any tweezers?

- Can you give us a status update on the fire?

- I, um... Chief will do that, actually.

- Can you just fill us what's going on inside?

- Has it been contained? - Is this live?

[tense music]

- Can people see me right now? - Have you evacuated everyone?

- I don't know.

- How many people are still inside the house?

- What--no. Is that a werewolf?

- [vocalizing]

- [whimpers]

[solemn music]

- [grunts]

Dad? Buffalo Phil?

Anyone?

I'm stuck in the well!

[sighs] And I really have to pee.

[groans]

- Oh, brother. You gotta be kidding me.

Lucy?

Hey, you, you. Have you seen a firefighter?

Hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with your mouth?

You can't talk? What's the matter with you?

Hey, your mouth's not really sewn shut.

Evacuate the building! God.

Hey, hey, buddy. Have you seen a firefighter?

What the hell's in your mouth? Is that a ball?

Show's over, pal.

God, these people.

Hey, have you seen a firefighter come through here?

Okay, great. All right, you know what?

All of you, get out. Get out!

Gotta evacuate the building. Let's go, come on.

There's a fire in here. [growls]

- Hey, wait a minute.

Granny, this is my old executioner's room.

Check it out, man.

- Man, I feel like something's crawling on me.

Get it off of me, man. Just get it--get it off.

- God, man, you're fine. God, Granny, calm down.

Man, I remember every single detail.

Look at the chains hanging here, the big axe,

a rusty guillotine too.

Ah, there's Glenn back there in his cage.

Oh, right there.

That's where I used to jump out and scare--

[both scream]

- [wheezes] - Oh.

- My heart. [gurgles]

- No, no, no, no.

[tense music]

[sighs shakily] Oh, not again.

- You can do this, Ike. You got this.

Be the flex-ecutioner. Be the flex-ecutioner.

[exhales]

Come on, breathe! Don't you die on me!

[funky rock music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, oh.

Come on.

House light, rise and shine.

Ah, the staff kitchen. Okay.

[camera shutter clicks]

- That's gross.

[eerie music]

Hello? Is someone there?

Hoser! [Hoser barks]

Hoser, good boy. Hoser, go get help.

[Hoser barks]

[upbeat music]

Well, that's got a 50-50 chance of working.

- [huffs] Come on, don't you die on me.

Come on, my health insurance

doesn't cover this much therapy.

- [gasps, wheezes]

- Okay. - Wow.

- Okay, easy.

- Whoa. - Yes!

- Thank you.

Hey, I guess I did a good job, huh?

- Yeah, you got him good. I am so glad you didn't die!

- Aw, thanks brother.

Hey, no one ever thinks about the executioner dying.

- You know? - Hey, I was the executioner.

- Oh, I can tell. [laughter]

- Thanks, man. - Okay, let's get him up.

- Granny, you all right? - Huh?

- How long was I out? - Aw, man.

[both scream] No!

No! Man!

You're giving him mouth-to-mouth this time!

- Lucy. Lucy, are you in here?

Lucy, are you in here? Lucy.

[Hoser barks] Oh, boy.

[Hoser barks]

Welcome to my nightmare. Surrounded by dogs.

Get out of here.

Hoser, is that you? It is you.

Oh, are we gonna do this? [Hoser barking]

Are you trying to tell me something, boy?

Is Lucy trapped in a well?

Wait, is she trapped in a well? [Hoser whimpers]

I can't believe we're doing this.

All right. Let's go.

[upbeat rock music]

- [sighs] Engine 24 to command.

After all this, it's just a popcorn call.

- Hey, that's my lunch.

Man, that popcorn button's bullshit.

- Buddy, you could've burned down the whole building.

- Yeah, okay. I surrender.

- Whoa, nice dick tuck. Love the dedication.

- You're the first person who actually gets it.

[ambient music]

- Is anybody there? Hello?

[Hoser barks]

Hoser, I need help.

- Dad! - Well, well, well.

- Dad, seriously, this isn't a time for puns.

- You're fine now. I found you.

- You mean Hoser found me. - Hoser followed me here.

- Yeah, because I told him to go get you.

- Hoser's a dog. Dogs don't understand English.

[Hoser barks]

- All right, why don't we just get me out of the well,

and then we can discuss it?

- Is that lotion down there?

- Yeah, I don't know why there's lotion in here.

- Hold on a second. - Why?

- It looks like the good stuff.

Here, put the lotion in the basket.

- Are you kidding me right now?

- Yeah, put the lotion in the basket.

- Dad, please tell me you're kidding.

- Put the lotion in the basket!

- Why are you yelling at me?

- [sighs] Have you not seen the movie?

- No, I haven't seen the movie. - It's a classic.

- Okay, great, why don't you just get me out of the well,

and then we can watch all the classics together?

- Okay, but seriously, put the lotion in the basket.

- [growls] You're so weird, Dad.

[upbeat rock music]

- Hey, Hoser. - [cackles]

- I gotta say, this place is awesome.

I'm having my birthday party here.

Who's in? both: Nope.

- Hey, Carl can get us a meet and greet

with all the hands. both: Nope.

- Captain, Chief, somebody's gotta talk to the press.

- Where's Andy?

- Uh, I think your guy's got a problem with public speaking.

- Look at him. He's all petrified.

[whimpers]

- Yeah, I got the same thing. That's why I wear the mask.

- He faced his fears, and now look at him.

Hey, wait. Guys, that's what I did.

- I guess that's what we all did

'cause I almost just died in that creepy well.

- Well, you get paid to not be afraid,

so I'm proud of you, and I'm not proud of you.

- It goes both ways. [both laugh]

- All right, well, one big question remains:

what about Hoser?

I mean, he did just save your daughter's life.

- Can we keep him? - Come on, Chief.

- Come on, Chief. - Come on, have a heart.

- Come on. [chuckles]

- Hi, buddy. [all aww]

- Okay, okay. - He--he loves you.

- Okay, good dog, good doggy. - This melts my heart.

- [sighs contentedly]

- Get rid of it. - What--

- Oh, hey, I got my steps!

Excuse me.

- I did not see that coming.

[upbeat rock music]

- Whoop, whoop! Check it out, team.

The photos from Nightmare Manor.

- Whoa, okay. - The envelope, please.

- Ah, yeah. I'll take that.

- All right. - Oh, Granny.

- Granny. - Wow.

- Hey, can we get rid of that? - Nah, it's fine.

He doesn't care.

- That's my buddy, Paul. He's fine, he's fine.

- Whoa. - Aw, yeah.

- Arms up. Executioner down.

- I know where all the cameras are.

- Aww. - There's my best friend.

- I wish we could've kept him.

- I think Chief had him stuffed.

- Whoa, Luce. Look at that.

- Looks clumsy. - Apple doesn't fall far.

- Well, I mean, it does fall far into a well.

- [chuckles] - Stop.

- Whoa!

- Oh, whoa! - Wow.

- That's not just the bad side. That's the dark side.

That is super embarrassing.

- Oh, you wanna talk embarrassing, Andy?

Check this out.

- Can you fill us in what's going on inside?

Is the fire under control?

- [vomits] - Oh!

- Yup, firefighter vomits on camera.

- Story at 11:00. - Oh!

- Oh, my gosh.