Original subtitles

Hello, darling, it's your father.

Haven't heard from you since you found your new flat.

Hope you're alright...

...Your mother sends her love and all that,

but what I'm really calling about is this latest bit of yours in the paper.

Honestly, Faith!

I know you've got your own views on religion

we've talked about that

but where's the sense in digging up all this stuff about poor old Leonard?

It's not like he's still here and can answer back, is it?

- Oh, fuck off, dad. - To be honest...

...we thought you wanted to go into journalism, not muckraking

Anyway, give us a call when you get this

assuming you haven't forgotten our number.

Alright, I hope you're well. 'Bye.

Yeah, hi, Faith, it's me, Claire.

Listen, I was going to tell you before you left the newsroom,

but I got talking to Bob and when I looked round you were gone.

Anyway, me and Liz and Lorraine are round at the Charles Bradlaugh,

so if you're not doing anything then you can rock by and join us.

Okay, that's all. Take care. 'Bye.

Claire?

Yeah, hi, it's me.

Yeah, yeah, I got your message.

No.

No, I'm ever so sorry, babe. I'm all tied up tonight.

Yeah, well, that and other things. You know.

Is that Liz I can hear in the background?

Yeah, well, tell her she's a crack-whore, but for Bailey's.

You can tell me what you were talking to Bob about.

Yeah, I bet.

Okay darling, I'll see you Monday.

Yeah. Yeah. Big hugs. Ok, bye, yeah. 'Bye. 'Bye.

Hello?

Is that the.. Costume Hire Shop?

Oh, right, good.

Look, I'm the woman who was in the other day

I think it was you I spoke to?

Yes.

Yes, Harrington, that's right.

I was just calling to see if that outfit I asked you to put by for me.

Yes, the paramedic outfit, that's the one.

Did anyone call in to pick it up, or...

...oh, they did. That's great.

No, no, I was just calling to see if anyone

had come to pick it up, that's all.

That's brilliant. Ok. Thanks a lot.

Yeah. 'Bye.

Is that... is that the paramedics?

Listen, I, uh, I don't have anyone else I can turn to.

You see, I'm...

I'm a young woman, and I live here all on my own.

Yes. Yes, completely alone.

I'm very... vulnerable. And lonely.

I'm so lonely that I...

I just dressed myself up in these... these slutty clothes.

Yes. Yes, they're really slutty. Like me.

I was...

I was going to go out and, you know, go out and whore myself, but...

I'm so ashamed. I'm so ashamed that I'm going to end it all.

Yes.

Yes, that's right. In my stockings and everything.

No. No, there's no point trying to talk me out of it.

I'm just worthless trash and everybody's better off without me.

No, goodbye.

Goodbye forever.

Hi, this is Faith. Sorry I'm not here

but leave a message and I'll get right back to you.

Hello? Faith, it's me. Pick up. Oh, fuck.

Look, if you've not started already, then don't.

There's been an accident. The car's fucked. Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck. Look, I'm coming round as fast as I can, okay?

Oh, shit, darling, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Look, just hang on, okay, just... I mean, just don't worry.

I'll be there in a minute.

I'm out of the car-park and I'm just coming up Michael's Road now.

Oh, Christ. Oh, Jesus, love please be alright.

Excuse me, but I think I'm lost.

I've taken a wrong turn somewhere and ended up down here...

Well, we all end up down here sooner or later, darlin'.

Cinders for eyes, pennies for eyelids, ay?

Oh, come on. You might as well just have a quick drink now you're here.

The show's not started yet, and they're still serving in the lounge.

It's back through there.

Oh. Well... Thanks.

You're welcome, sweetheart.

You're late.

I'm sorry?

I dare say you are, son, but that's late as well.

Hello. Can I... um... have a double scotch, please? No ice.

That's just as well.

You'll not find any ice round here, love...

Although everybody's on the rocks, ay?

No, I'm only joking with you, love.

One double scotch with no ice, coming up.

This place is a bit... different

It's like something out of forty years ago.

I wouldn't know about that, love

We've had 'em all in here, though, for last orders.

All the dodgy councillors and planners, the off-duty coppers and the bigwigs.

We had him that strangled that little boy, what was his name?

The businessman. He had a shop in the town centre...

I didn't even know this place was here.

Yes you did.

What... um, what do I owe you?

Oh no, love, this one's courtesy of Mr. Matchbright over there.

He's one of the proprietors.

I'm sorry if it put you out earlier, with my little comment.

I only meant to pull your leg, but evidently it fell on dead ears.

I'm Nicky Matchbright

and this lovely lady is my very good friend...

I'm sorry, love, what was the name again?

I'm Faith.

Oh yeah. Lovely name. And you are...?

James.

I'm only stopping for this drink. I'm lost.

This isn't where I'm meant to be

You might be right, James. You might very well be right.

But this is where you are. Do you see what I'm saying?

This is what you gravitate towards.

You've got a drink there in your hand, there's all these pretty girls around,

and who knows what might happen later, ay, James?

Who knows?

This is every evening that you've ever had, James

here or somewhere like it.

This is all your nights.

It's where you're the most comfortable

the state that takes the least energy to maintain.

That's just the laws of physics, am I right?

We can't do anything about it. None of us roll uphill, do we? None of us.

Uh... well, no. No, put like that, I don't suppose we do.

You're right, James. You're dead right. Of course we fucking don't.

Now, you see James here. He's got the right attitude.

Acceptance, am I right?

He accepts things the way they are.

There's none of this hostility, none of this bargaining.

You could do worse than taking a leaf out of his book, girl...

I'm sorry, I forgot your name again. Joy, was it? Was it Joy?

Faith. I-I'm Faith.

Oh yeah, of course you are.

Now...

I've got some business that needs seeing to before the show starts

with my other half.

I suppose you might say he was the senior partner

Mr. Metterton, the Great I Am.

I'm sure you know the type.

Joy, darling, why don't you go through to the big room

and see that the Bare Brides are getting ready?

You can take James with you if you like.

I'm sure I can trust you with her. Ay, James? You'll look after her.

Well, I was just... I mean, yeah. Of course I will. Why wouldn't I?

That's a good one.

Is everything all right? I mean, back there, you...

Would you like to... I mean... Is it all right for you to dance?

This kind of place...

I wouldn't expect to find someone like you in here.

I'm just like anyone else.

I wouldn't be here if I hadn't let things get out of control.

What do you mean? What kind of things?

With me, it's sex. I just... I don't know.

It goes dead after a time, do you find that?

I can't get excited without something extra.

Then someone mentions asphyxiation...

Mm. I've never liked the sound of that.

Couldn't it, you know, go too far?

Oh, it always goes too far.

That man, Mr. Matchbright?

You're in a relationship with him?

I think we all are.

They go back years, apparently, him and his partner.

Metterton and Matchbright. One of those old...

end of the pier double acts that can't stand each other in real life.

They had this stupid music hall catchphrase

"Doctor, I think we're losing him."

My parents used to say it all the time

if they thought I wasn't paying attention.

I used to hate it.

It's dead out there tonight.

This is childish. You know, I can keep this up for as long as you can.

For fuck's sake!

Are these the dancers he asked you to check on?

The... what did he call them?

The Bare Brides.

Look, I... I need to go talk to their manager.

You'll be alright on your own, yeah?

I need to find the washroom, anyway. You go ahead, then. I'll be fine.

... and I suppose in many ways, that was my biggest problem.

When we started going out, that was what she liked me for.

'Cos I could make her laugh.

Then I started turning everything into a joke.

It was the only level we could relate to.

It ended up as a load of stupid catchphrases and banter.

'Nice to see you, to see you nice'

'Can I do you now, sir?'

'Doctor, I think we're losing him'

Just stuff like that, day after day, night after night.

I can't blame her for having the affair.

I genuinely can't.

What's ironic is, I don't tell jokes any more.

Recently, these days, I just masturbate and cry.

Usually at the same time.

You must be nervous.

- I'm sorry? - Don't be sorry.

Everyone gets nervous on the big night

even when they've had all this time to get ready.

The best thing you can do is think of it as like a talent show.

Everything's a talent show these days, sweetheart.

What? But... oh, no, no, I'm not appearing. I'm, you know...

Disappearing?

Ha. No, I just stopped in here for a drink.

Just need to find the men's room and I'm off, basically.

Right. Back to the way you came.

Thank you.

Like I said: nerves.

So! This is where all the big knobs hang out, is it?

Yeah. Probably too often for my own good.

I mean, tonight, I can't even remember which pub I started out in.

It's not like I plan to go out getting pissed, looking for women.

I just always seem to somehow end up in a place like this.

Funny, innit?

Where's Faith gone?

Well, James, that's a matter for the theologians.

If you're looking for an angel, I'd trying looking in the wings, ay?

Now, let's have a bit of hush.

He's about to take the stage.

The Great I Am...

Begun as diamond, ended in the rough

here is the long-expected great surprise.

Would that thy tears rolled back into those eyes that

that never loved or never loved enough.

The dizzy spell's black circle, widening,

and every day caught in the comb more hair

now suddenly here is the empty chair.

Here is the unimaginable thing.

The words are said that nothing can put it right.

First, 'It's a boy', flung to the mortal swim,

then, soon, 'Doctor, I think we're losing him',

and after that, the light, the light, the light...

Move.

Wh-what happened? What happened? Am I gonna be all right?

Not really. You're dead.

Oh, God. Are you working for Bleeker?

Are you going to kill me?

What would be the point of that? I just told you. You're dead.

Oh no. No, no, this is not right. I'm not dead.

Got pissed at a club. Fell down steps.

Dead.

No, I... I was at the club, right?

May've been a fall, but, I mean, surely I...

Dead. Put him on the spot.

This is wrong. You've got me wrong.

No, we haven't.

It's Egyptian Rules from here on then.

The opening of the mouth, the weighing of the heart...

all that shit.

Oh, but don't fret, it don't hurt. Well, I say that but...

Look, please, I don't understand.

You've got the wrong man. Please, I don't deserve this...

Yes you do. At the end of the day, we all deserve it, James.

And make no mistake, this is the end of the fucking day.

But... what have I done? I haven't done anything...

Now, that's not strictly true. Is it, James?

You've done a lot of things.

What about all them women?

You did them, didn't you?

And they weren't nothing.

Penny, Jenny, Izzy, Lizzie, Trudy, Judy, Dotty, Lottie...

And that's just the ones that rhyme.

What about that woman you left up in the hospital... half dead.

Covered in cuts, burns, bruises...

tubes up noses... doctors looking doubtful?

That's never good, James. That's never good.

- Oh, Christ... - He's fuck all to do with it.

Christianity, it's a bit modern... Innit? It's a bit of a fad.

Round our house, we like the old fashioned way of doing things.

Beryl, love, open up his mouth, will you?

Let's get this over and done with the least fuss as possible.

Get what done with?

That woman, you can't blame...

Yes, James. Yes, we can blame you.

By and large, that's what we're here for.

Now, the opening of the mouth.

That's what the old Egyptians used to do to mummies

so they could still eat and drink after they were dead.

Diet's still important, even when you've passed on.

You've got to keep your strength up.

Beryl, love, put some music on, will you?

And then bring me the Nectar.

How's that going down, James?

All right? All right?

I'm sorry it's only creamed rice

but it's all we can get our hands on down here.

I know, I know that, I know. It's shit, innit?

It's very unpleasant, all this. You must be frightened.

I expect you just want all this to be over, don't you?

But that's for when you're still alive...

unpleasant things being over.

Down here, it's not like that.

That's enough, darling.

We have to leave room to give him a drink and all.

This is even more important than food...

Drink, when you're a mummy.

Imagine being buried under the sand with all the beetles.

You'd get proper dry, wouldn't you? Practically desiccated.

Old James here, he's never been one to refuse a drink.

Fuck me, James.

Don't you make a lot of noise? Don't he make a lot of noise?

You're putting me right off.

You make me feel... not hostile but...

Beryl, what's the word for how he's making me feel?

- Rancorous. - That's it, rancorous.

You're making me feel rancorous. You're acting like a big baby.

Look at you. It's only blood on your hands.

It's only blood what's got spilled because of you, James.

It's blood what's on your hands.

You know that, don't you? It's all over you.

Look on your face.

Oh, dear.

No, joking aside, we have to be serious now.

We have to be serious

'cos this is a very serious matter what we're all involved in here.

'Cos everyone down here, James, we're all dead.

Now then...

Let's have a little look at what the Book has to say about you

before we pass judgement.

And let's be clear, this is eternal judgement what we're talking about.

If I were you, James, I'd feel insulted.

'Cos if you were a Pharaoh you'd have Osiris or Isis...

or some other posh bugger passing down the verdict

but because it's you... you get a stripper and a fucking clown.

Let's have a butcher's at what it says in here, shall we?

"And when his belly is made full"

"then shall he come unto a Hall of Two Truths"

"where is placed the scale"

"in its correct position in the Land of Silence."

"Here shall James..."

'Cos they leave a sort of blank there for you to write the name in, so...

"Here shall James purge all misdeeds what he has done,"

"and herein shall he likewise see the faces of the Gods."

Now, the faces of the gods, that's me and Beryl.

You'll just have to use your imagination for that bit, won't you?

"And he shall hail them, and testify that he knows them"

"and that he knows their names"

"and knows the forty-two gods that are with them"

"and live on those who preserve evil"

"who swallow their blood..."

Oh, shocking...

"who swallow their blood on that day of the reckoning of characters"

"in the presence of Osiris."

"Then shall James speak his negative confession, saying"

"I have not committed wrongdoing."

"I have not mistreated cattle."

"I have not done evil."

"I have not caused pain."

"I have not caused weeping."

"I have not made suffering for anyone."

"I have not stolen the cakes of the blessed dead."

"I have not copulated."

"I have not been lascivious."

"I have not added to the weight of the balance."

"Nor have I tampered with the plummet of the scales."

"I have not extinguished a fire at its critical moment."

"I am pure, I am pure, I AM PURE."

"I AM PURE!"

Are you, James? Are you pure?

But don't worry. There's not much left...

"Then shall James bare his breast and offer up that which is in him"

"crying: O Fiery-One, who has come forth backwards"

"I have not stolen a God's property."

"O Smasher-of-Bones, who has come forth from Heraclee..."

from... Her-Herac... How do you say this? Hera...

"Heracleopolis..."

"from Heracleopolis, I have not told lies."

"O Eater-of-Entrails, who has come forth from the Court of Thirty"

"I have not committed usury."

"Then shall that which is in him be brought forth and seated on the scale"

"wherein shall it be matched against a plume of Maat"

"she who is silent and has no word."

"And be that vessel but encumbered by a single, singular, wrong"

"so that the feather be outweighed"

"then shall Apophis at his glorious table make no longer plaint of hunger"

"and then shall jackals have their due."

So, James, did you understand all that?

What I was doing, I was reading you your rights.

All that stuff is about tearing out your heart and weighing it against a feather.

You're alright with that, are you?

Good. Good.

'Cos I mean, tearing out your heart...

It is not as if you gonna miss it, is it?

All them women, they'd all been through bad relationships, divorces...

They just wanted to feel good about themselves again.

A little bit of reassurance, a bit of respect...

but you were off outta the door before your spunk was dry.

It's only your heart, James. You won't be needing it.

Granted, might feel a bit peculiar not having one, but you get used to it.

It heals.

So, all we have to do now is weigh it.

And find out whether you are going to paradise

or whether your immortal soul...

is going to Apophis, the Devourer of the Dead.

It's exactly as it sounds, the Devourer of the Dead.

I blame the Egyptians.

I mean, good with make-up and all that, but fucking morbid.

Who'd have thought that they'd know what they were talking about

when it comes to the afterlife? I were a Catholic.

I would expect to see Jesus, and me Nan, Saint Patrick...

I were gobsmacked.

You could have knocked me down... with a feather!

Eh, nice, ain't it? Vulture feather.

Stands for silence and truth and all that.

So, James, let's see if your heart

is heavier than silence and truth, shall we?

Oh, dear. Oh, that's bad.

Oh, that's like moral cholesterol that...

laying it down. Hey, it's all that womanising.

It puts on the pounds, James. It puts on the pounds.

Looks like we'll be throwing you to Apophis.

I'm sorry, James, there's fuck all we can do about this.

On reflection, you're a worthless fucking shit with a heavy heart.

Fancy suits, fast cars, boozing, women...

You're a consumer. So think on it like this, eh kid.

It's only fair that you get consumed.

I'll tell you what, James.

We'll get this over and done with as quick as possible.

We're not sadists, James.

We're not enjoying this. Even Apophis, he's not enjoying this.

I mean, eating the dead, that's fucking horrible.

You tell me... Does he look like he's enjoying it?

Oh, c'mon, James, be a man. Be a man for once in your fucking life.

I'm sorry, Apophis. It's not us, it's soppy-bollocks here, showing us up.

Come on, James. Don't keep him waiting.

If you keep him waiting, You're only gonna make him hungrier.

Don't shirk the inevitable.

Let's get you out of that. Stop struggling.

This is gonna happen, James.

This is happening and there's nothing you can do about it, Ok?

Let's get this strap off. Don't struggle.

You saw the scales. You saw the feather.

We can't make any exceptions for you, James.

If we did that, it wouldn't be fair on the others.

And Apophis, he's good at what he does. It only takes a minute...

Come on.

Why are you making this so difficult? He is practically ruining my weekend.

Why don't you just let us do our jobs... why?

Please... please...

Please what? Please let you go? No, we can't do that, James.

We'd be in trouble.

And I don't think you'd do anything in return for us, would you?

Sorry, James, I couldn't quite catch that.

- Did you catch that, Beryl? - He said he'd do anything.

James, would you do anything? Would you do anything? Would you?

Beryl, maybe we could...

No, it's too risky. C'mon. Up you get. Get him on his feet.

If... if we were to let you go... and that is an if...

then you'd have to do everything what we say.

But could we trust you, James? Could we? Could we trust you?

All right, come on.

Don't make me regret this, James.

Thank you. Thank you. No, no. You won't regret it, I promise you.

I hope not.

Do you know what you've agreed to, don't you?

Any time we need your talents

whatever they may be when they're at home

you make yourself available.

Otherwise we bring you back here and feed you to Apophis

from the bottom up.

Which means your head will still be screaming

after your feet have been digested and are halfway out the other end.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, yes. Yes, whatever you want, whenever you want. I understand.

Good. Well... I'm glad that we've reached this little agreement.

You're not such a bad bloke, are you?

Underneath all the lying and the cheating and the groping?

It'd be a shame if a fellow with your potential ended up as shit and leftovers.

Well, all we've to do is sort out your accommodation, and... well, we're done.

Accommodation?

I'll have to find you somewhere to sleep. It's only manners, isn't it?

Hey, there might be space up in my room. Should you like that?

Well, uh... that's great, but...

Well, I got my own flat up by that park there, the Racecourse is it?

Up there, yeah. I'll be fine... I don't want to impose on you...

It wouldn't be an imposition.

Besides, it gets a bit boring up there on me own...

I like a bit of company, left to me own devices, don't I, Beryl?

Oh, he likes a bit of company. He's very sociable.

Oh, I am. I'm very sociable.

And that flat of yours, that was for when you were alive.

Living rooms, they're for the living.

And besides, us being posthumous, well...

the world out there is not what it was.

Not what it was?

Gone... for you, James.

I know you must feel a bit reluctant about shacking up with me.

That's completely understandable.

Most people would feel a bit reluctant about shacking up

and having sex with a dead clown.

Wouldn't they, Beryl?

To most people it's literally the last thing they want.

But then, you've got fewer options these days. Aren't you with me, lad?

The world you knew is not there any more.

Wh-what do you mean?

Come with me.

It's where Northampton goes when it's asleep.

It's where a town goes when it dies.

It's very dark. There's no light. It's all tunnel.

Nighthampton, we call it.

English Subtitles: FLAVIA FERREIRA DOS SANTOS

Subtitles produced by FLAVIO PESSANHA